1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:03,960 Good evening, I'm the Head of the BBC. 2 00:00:03,960 --> 00:00:06,880 Due to some viewer complaints about swearing, I'd like to reassure you 3 00:00:06,880 --> 00:00:10,840 than any offensive language in tonight's show has been substituted. 4 00:00:10,840 --> 00:00:14,040 For example, some people find "bloody" offensive. 5 00:00:14,040 --> 00:00:16,240 So, instead, we'd say "ruddy". 6 00:00:16,240 --> 00:00:18,200 This is something we, the BBC, 7 00:00:18,200 --> 00:00:22,360 must do to appease all those self-righteous duckheads. 8 00:00:22,360 --> 00:00:25,520 The fact that we have to make these funking substitutions 9 00:00:25,520 --> 00:00:27,640 is a steaming pile of bullfrog 10 00:00:27,640 --> 00:00:31,800 and to me, personally, it's a giant pain in the aerosol. 11 00:00:31,800 --> 00:00:35,040 After all, you only have to visit a pub or football terrace 12 00:00:35,040 --> 00:00:37,680 to hear any Tom, Duck or Harry say, 13 00:00:37,680 --> 00:00:39,760 "Funk this, funk that!" 14 00:00:39,760 --> 00:00:41,560 "Kick him the bollards!" 15 00:00:41,560 --> 00:00:45,800 Or, "The referee is a complete and utter tossed salad." 16 00:00:45,800 --> 00:00:47,400 But, of course, here at the BBC, 17 00:00:47,400 --> 00:00:50,920 the last thing we want to do is get on anyone's tittle-tattles. 18 00:00:50,920 --> 00:00:54,160 Even if they are a whining fudgewit. 19 00:00:54,160 --> 00:00:58,040 Now, duck off, you annoying winkers, and enjoy the trucking show. 20 00:01:21,960 --> 00:01:25,360 Our kingdoms will become entwined 21 00:01:25,360 --> 00:01:27,920 as our bodies may be in lust. 22 00:01:27,920 --> 00:01:31,240 You bring out the dragon in me, Ingabord. 23 00:01:31,240 --> 00:01:35,040 Then let us see how this troublesome beast... 24 00:01:35,040 --> 00:01:36,520 may be tamed. 25 00:01:40,240 --> 00:01:41,400 Cut. 26 00:01:41,400 --> 00:01:45,000 OK, we're going to do the naked part now, so bring out the body doubles. 27 00:01:52,840 --> 00:01:57,680 Right, how do you want me to start off, on me back or on all fours? 28 00:01:58,760 --> 00:02:00,120 Who's that? 29 00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:02,280 That's your body double. Mick. 30 00:02:02,280 --> 00:02:04,680 I'm just going to line up the next shot. 31 00:02:05,760 --> 00:02:08,280 - You're my body double? - Yes, love. 32 00:02:08,280 --> 00:02:10,240 You are joking. 33 00:02:10,240 --> 00:02:12,760 - Well, it's good news for you. - How's that? 34 00:02:12,760 --> 00:02:16,400 Well, everyone will see my smokin' hot bod and assume it's yours. 35 00:02:16,400 --> 00:02:18,520 Where's the director gone? Robert? 36 00:02:18,520 --> 00:02:20,800 What's the problem, Amelia? 37 00:02:20,800 --> 00:02:22,160 I'm Amelia. 38 00:02:23,680 --> 00:02:25,440 You just look so alike. 39 00:02:25,440 --> 00:02:29,720 I'm absolutely outraged that you would choose THAT as my body double. 40 00:02:29,720 --> 00:02:31,680 - You're just jealous. - I'm not jealous. 41 00:02:31,680 --> 00:02:33,960 Please, Amelia, calm down. 42 00:02:33,960 --> 00:02:36,000 Look, I know there's an elephant in the room.... 43 00:02:36,000 --> 00:02:39,240 - Don't call her that, not to her face. - How dare you! 44 00:02:39,240 --> 00:02:42,800 The elephant in the room is that your double is a lot younger. 45 00:02:42,800 --> 00:02:45,240 And...thinner. 46 00:02:45,240 --> 00:02:48,520 - And I got a better rack. - No, you haven't. 47 00:02:48,520 --> 00:02:51,800 You look like a gorilla, you're all covered in body hair. 48 00:02:51,800 --> 00:02:54,880 Make-up actually stuck all this on me, to make me look more like you. 49 00:02:54,880 --> 00:02:57,600 Right, that's it, I'll just do the nude scene myself, OK? 50 00:03:00,560 --> 00:03:04,960 - What? - It's just...nudity's a big part of the show. 51 00:03:04,960 --> 00:03:07,600 What else are nerds are going to knock one out to? 52 00:03:07,600 --> 00:03:09,640 They can knock one out to me! 53 00:03:09,640 --> 00:03:11,920 - Ah... - What? 54 00:03:11,920 --> 00:03:13,000 Mm... 55 00:03:13,000 --> 00:03:15,560 With the best will in the world it would be quite a struggle. 56 00:03:15,560 --> 00:03:17,080 How dare you! 57 00:03:17,080 --> 00:03:20,200 Amelia, we need to do a take. Places, everyone. 58 00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:23,080 Right, let's keep this nice and professional, mate, yeah? 59 00:03:23,080 --> 00:03:24,760 No getting over-excited. 60 00:03:24,760 --> 00:03:26,960 HE GROANS 61 00:03:28,600 --> 00:03:30,560 And...action! 62 00:03:30,560 --> 00:03:33,760 Let's see how this troublesome beast may be tamed. 63 00:03:35,800 --> 00:03:37,240 Oh, that's nice. 64 00:03:37,240 --> 00:03:38,960 MOANING AND GROANING 65 00:03:38,960 --> 00:03:40,440 Cut! 66 00:03:43,240 --> 00:03:45,800 That...was...stunning. 67 00:03:45,800 --> 00:03:47,560 Thank you. 68 00:03:47,560 --> 00:03:49,600 Right, that's it. 69 00:03:49,600 --> 00:03:53,440 I'm walking off the set. You can find someone else to play my role. 70 00:03:53,440 --> 00:03:55,520 Good luck finishing the series without me. 71 00:03:57,880 --> 00:03:59,360 What do I do now? 72 00:04:00,800 --> 00:04:04,240 Will you consider taking on Amelia's role as Ingabord? 73 00:04:04,240 --> 00:04:06,040 Yes. 74 00:04:06,040 --> 00:04:08,440 But I would need a clause in my contract. 75 00:04:08,440 --> 00:04:09,680 What's that? 76 00:04:09,680 --> 00:04:11,920 I want to be nude at all times. 77 00:04:11,920 --> 00:04:14,120 Sure! 78 00:04:14,120 --> 00:04:17,320 - Let's go for a take. - Right. 79 00:04:20,200 --> 00:04:24,440 Good evening and welcome to What's She Cross About? 80 00:04:24,440 --> 00:04:27,680 The game show that tests how much you really know about your partner. 81 00:04:27,680 --> 00:04:30,120 Playing tonight are a couple who've just celebrated 82 00:04:30,120 --> 00:04:33,120 their 20th wedding anniversary - Julie and Peter Evans! 83 00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:43,840 - Welcome to the show. - Hello. - Hi. 84 00:04:45,120 --> 00:04:48,400 So, Peter, you've got one minute to guess what your wife Julie 85 00:04:48,400 --> 00:04:51,800 - is cross about. - She's not. - I am. 86 00:04:51,800 --> 00:04:54,040 For everyone at home and our studio audience, 87 00:04:54,040 --> 00:04:56,040 here's what Julie is cross about. 88 00:04:58,480 --> 00:05:01,000 Right, peter, what's she cross about? 89 00:05:01,000 --> 00:05:03,160 Is it that time I broke wind in front of your mother? 90 00:05:03,160 --> 00:05:05,200 I thought that was her. 91 00:05:05,200 --> 00:05:06,640 Is this about Megan from work? 92 00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:08,520 - Who's Megan? - Nobody. 93 00:05:08,520 --> 00:05:10,120 30 seconds. 94 00:05:10,120 --> 00:05:12,600 - Is it something around the house? - Oh, it might be. 95 00:05:12,600 --> 00:05:15,240 Is it that time I dropped your toothbrush down the toilet? 96 00:05:15,240 --> 00:05:18,400 - What? When was that? - I didn't. - Time's running out, 97 00:05:18,400 --> 00:05:20,680 we're going to have to hurry you. What is she cross about? 98 00:05:20,680 --> 00:05:23,440 - Um...my internet search history? - Don't know your password. 99 00:05:23,440 --> 00:05:25,200 Oh, thank God for that. 100 00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:27,080 Ten seconds. What's she cross about? 101 00:05:27,080 --> 00:05:28,800 Too much time in the pub! 102 00:05:28,800 --> 00:05:30,360 Too little time in the pub! 103 00:05:30,360 --> 00:05:32,600 Telling you to vote Leave! 104 00:05:32,600 --> 00:05:34,120 Peeing in the sink! 105 00:05:34,120 --> 00:05:36,440 GONG AND KLAXON 106 00:05:36,440 --> 00:05:39,800 Time's up. Julie, please put Peter out of his misery. 107 00:05:39,800 --> 00:05:41,440 What are you cross about? 108 00:05:42,640 --> 00:05:45,720 He left a wet towel on the floor. 109 00:05:45,720 --> 00:05:47,080 When was that? 110 00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:48,560 2012. 111 00:05:50,080 --> 00:05:52,880 - Well, why didn't you tell me then? - I shouldn't have to! 112 00:05:52,880 --> 00:05:55,040 So, no points there, I'm afraid. 113 00:05:55,040 --> 00:05:58,200 Time now to turn the tables as we play... 114 00:05:58,200 --> 00:06:00,560 What's He Cross About? 115 00:06:00,560 --> 00:06:03,920 For our viewers at home, let's see what Peter is cross about. 116 00:06:07,080 --> 00:06:09,320 OK, Julie, one minute on the clock. 117 00:06:09,320 --> 00:06:10,920 What's he cross about? 118 00:06:12,480 --> 00:06:14,840 - Football. - BELL DINGS 119 00:06:14,840 --> 00:06:17,280 Correct! See you after the break. 120 00:06:17,280 --> 00:06:19,680 APPLAUSE 121 00:06:28,960 --> 00:06:30,760 - KNOCK ON DOOR - Come in. 122 00:06:30,760 --> 00:06:32,960 DOORKNOB RATTLES 123 00:06:34,480 --> 00:06:37,840 Ah, Mr Ballcock, it's you. 124 00:06:37,840 --> 00:06:39,840 Your knob's a bit stiff! 125 00:06:39,840 --> 00:06:42,000 HE LAUGHS 126 00:06:42,000 --> 00:06:43,680 That's quite enough of that. 127 00:06:43,680 --> 00:06:48,040 Now, I've had a number of complaints from female members of staff 128 00:06:48,040 --> 00:06:51,040 who you've made very uncomfortable with your lewd comments, 129 00:06:51,040 --> 00:06:52,640 and I won't have it in my factory. 130 00:06:52,640 --> 00:06:53,920 Where will you have it, then? 131 00:06:53,920 --> 00:06:55,560 HE LAUGHS 132 00:06:55,560 --> 00:06:57,640 I've had dozens of women in this office... 133 00:06:57,640 --> 00:07:00,320 I bet you have, you dirty old man! HE LAUGHS 134 00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:02,640 ..so you'd better change your ways or you'll be facing 135 00:07:02,640 --> 00:07:04,040 a sexual harassment tribunal. 136 00:07:04,040 --> 00:07:07,040 Sexual? Corr! Harassment? Phwoar! 137 00:07:07,040 --> 00:07:11,040 Tribunal? Don't know what it means, but PHWOAR! 138 00:07:11,040 --> 00:07:14,920 Control yourself, Mr Ballcock! One more lewd comment from you 139 00:07:14,920 --> 00:07:17,440 and I'll be forced to take serious action! 140 00:07:17,440 --> 00:07:18,880 Tea lady! 141 00:07:18,880 --> 00:07:21,000 Oh, yes, come in, Miss Jugs. 142 00:07:27,560 --> 00:07:29,240 Mr Stern, your knob's a bit stiff. 143 00:07:32,800 --> 00:07:34,440 I've got a fresh pot of tea, 144 00:07:34,440 --> 00:07:37,720 - would you like me to give it to you right now? - Oh...! 145 00:07:37,720 --> 00:07:40,280 Yes, I'd like you to give it to me right here on the desk. 146 00:07:40,280 --> 00:07:41,560 Hm-hm-hm! 147 00:07:41,560 --> 00:07:44,280 Mr Ballcock, would you like me to give you one? 148 00:07:44,280 --> 00:07:46,360 Ahhhhh...! 149 00:07:46,360 --> 00:07:47,920 Yes, he'll have a cup of tea. 150 00:07:47,920 --> 00:07:49,400 How do you take it? 151 00:07:49,400 --> 00:07:51,440 Ahhhhh...! 152 00:07:51,440 --> 00:07:53,640 You're very quiet today, Mr Ballcock. 153 00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:55,240 Are you feeling yourself? 154 00:07:55,240 --> 00:07:57,480 Ho! Mmmm! 155 00:07:57,480 --> 00:07:59,800 Control yourself, Mr Ballcock. 156 00:07:59,800 --> 00:08:01,880 I said, are you feeling yourself today? 157 00:08:03,640 --> 00:08:06,080 After seeing you, I'll be feeling myself later! 158 00:08:06,080 --> 00:08:07,720 HE LAUGHS 159 00:08:07,720 --> 00:08:09,440 - LAUGHING: - Saucy! 160 00:08:09,440 --> 00:08:11,680 - Mr Ballcock! - I can't help meself! 161 00:08:11,680 --> 00:08:13,440 Would you like to see my buns? 162 00:08:13,440 --> 00:08:14,680 Oh, I've seen 'em already! 163 00:08:14,680 --> 00:08:16,120 HE LAUGHS 164 00:08:16,120 --> 00:08:18,440 - LAUGHING: - Saucy! 165 00:08:18,440 --> 00:08:20,200 Sorry there's no cream on them. 166 00:08:20,200 --> 00:08:22,040 Oh, I'll squirt some cream on 'em later! 167 00:08:22,040 --> 00:08:23,840 HE LAUGHS 168 00:08:23,840 --> 00:08:25,600 - LAUGHING: - Saucy! 169 00:08:25,600 --> 00:08:29,000 Please, Miss Jugs! We've had complaints about you, too. 170 00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:32,560 I'm trying to reform Mr Ballcock and you're making it harder. 171 00:08:32,560 --> 00:08:33,920 It's hard enough already! 172 00:08:33,920 --> 00:08:35,400 HE LAUGHS 173 00:08:35,400 --> 00:08:37,040 - LAUGHING: - Saucy! 174 00:08:37,040 --> 00:08:39,520 Please, Miss Jugs, I'm not sure you're grasping this. 175 00:08:39,520 --> 00:08:40,800 Grasping! 176 00:08:40,800 --> 00:08:42,480 - LAUGHING: - Saucy! 177 00:08:42,480 --> 00:08:44,720 - Here's the bottom line. - Bottom! 178 00:08:44,720 --> 00:08:45,800 HE LAUGHS 179 00:08:45,800 --> 00:08:48,560 If this doesn't stop I'll be pulling you both off the factory floor! 180 00:08:48,560 --> 00:08:49,760 Pulling you off! 181 00:08:49,760 --> 00:08:52,160 - LAUGHING: - Saucy! - You'll get the sack! 182 00:08:52,160 --> 00:08:55,720 Oh, ball sack, nut sack, testicle sack, d'you get it? 183 00:08:55,720 --> 00:08:57,920 Not as often as I'd like to get it! 184 00:08:57,920 --> 00:08:59,320 - LAUGHING: - Saucy! 185 00:08:59,320 --> 00:09:00,960 Quite, the both of you! 186 00:09:00,960 --> 00:09:04,240 I just want this factory to be a place where women can work without 187 00:09:04,240 --> 00:09:07,720 having to deal with smutty remarks from the male members of staff. 188 00:09:07,720 --> 00:09:09,480 BOTH: Male members! 189 00:09:09,480 --> 00:09:10,960 THEY LAUGH 190 00:09:10,960 --> 00:09:12,880 - LAUGHING: - Saucy! 191 00:09:12,880 --> 00:09:14,320 I'm doing this for you, love! 192 00:09:17,320 --> 00:09:18,840 Did you just call me "love"? 193 00:09:21,240 --> 00:09:22,600 Yes. 194 00:09:22,600 --> 00:09:25,120 Mr Stern... 195 00:09:26,720 --> 00:09:29,320 ..I'm appalled at your sexism. 196 00:09:29,320 --> 00:09:32,360 I thought we'd moved on from a patriarchal society 197 00:09:32,360 --> 00:09:34,320 that denigrates women. 198 00:09:35,560 --> 00:09:37,360 As a feminist myself, 199 00:09:37,360 --> 00:09:39,280 I find it deeply offensive 200 00:09:39,280 --> 00:09:43,120 that you'd use a patronising and archaic term such as "love" 201 00:09:43,120 --> 00:09:45,520 to describe this crackin' bit of crumpet. 202 00:09:47,240 --> 00:09:49,320 I apologise unreservedly. 203 00:09:49,320 --> 00:09:52,560 I'd appreciate it if you'd keep this close to your chest. 204 00:09:52,560 --> 00:09:54,840 Well, I'd love to keep it close to her chest! 205 00:09:54,840 --> 00:09:56,280 - LAUGHING: - Saucy! 206 00:09:56,280 --> 00:09:58,040 - Breast! - Oh! 207 00:09:58,040 --> 00:09:59,880 Ladies' bits! 208 00:09:59,880 --> 00:10:01,760 - Men's willies! - Oh! 209 00:10:04,120 --> 00:10:06,200 - LAUGHING: - Saucy! 210 00:10:06,200 --> 00:10:11,840 Opera boyband Il Prima Donnas return with their brand-new album, 211 00:10:11,840 --> 00:10:15,280 Songs Off Of Children's Telly. 212 00:10:15,280 --> 00:10:18,720 # Oh! Byker Grove! 213 00:10:18,720 --> 00:10:20,840 # Oh, Byker, Byker 214 00:10:20,840 --> 00:10:24,280 # Byker Grove. # 215 00:10:24,280 --> 00:10:28,320 Opera lovers everywhere will adore the Iggle Piggle concerto 216 00:10:28,320 --> 00:10:31,480 from the operetta In The Night Garden. 217 00:10:31,480 --> 00:10:35,680 # Yes, my name is Iggle Piggle 218 00:10:35,680 --> 00:10:39,320 # Iggle Piggle-wiggle-niggle-piggle 219 00:10:39,320 --> 00:10:43,480 # Yes, my name is Iggle Piggle 220 00:10:43,480 --> 00:10:48,760 # Iggle Piggle-niggle-wiggle-woo. # 221 00:10:49,840 --> 00:10:55,560 Experience a once-in-a-lifetime operatic duet. Together at last - 222 00:10:55,560 --> 00:10:59,600 Il Prima Donnas and Katherine Jenkins. 223 00:10:59,600 --> 00:11:01,520 # Ch-Ch-ChuckleVision 224 00:11:01,520 --> 00:11:03,120 # Ch-ChuckleVision 225 00:11:03,120 --> 00:11:07,080 # Ch-Ch-ChuckleVision Ch-Ch-ChuckleVision 226 00:11:07,080 --> 00:11:10,000 # Ch-Ch-ChuckleVision Ch-Ch-ChuckleVision 227 00:11:10,000 --> 00:11:13,840 # Ch-Ch-ChuckleVision Ch-Ch-ChuckleVision. # 228 00:11:13,840 --> 00:11:17,680 Il Prima Donnas' Songs Off Of Children's Telly, 229 00:11:17,680 --> 00:11:22,160 available now, by the mince in service stations. 230 00:11:22,160 --> 00:11:25,440 # Bob the builder 231 00:11:25,440 --> 00:11:28,040 # Can we fix it? 232 00:11:28,040 --> 00:11:30,760 # Bob the builder 233 00:11:30,760 --> 00:11:34,680 # Yes, we can. # 234 00:11:37,400 --> 00:11:39,240 Can you remember, like... 235 00:11:39,240 --> 00:11:40,560 What? 236 00:11:40,560 --> 00:11:41,960 Like, back in the day. 237 00:11:41,960 --> 00:11:43,480 When? 238 00:11:43,480 --> 00:11:45,080 Like, back in the DAY. 239 00:11:45,080 --> 00:11:47,280 What was that game we was always playin'? 240 00:11:47,280 --> 00:11:48,680 Game? What game? 241 00:11:48,680 --> 00:11:51,400 You know, back in the day, that game we was always playin' 242 00:11:51,400 --> 00:11:53,560 where we was, like, tryin' to find things. 243 00:11:53,560 --> 00:11:57,320 - Oh, like hide and seek? - Nah, nah, nah, back in the day, you know, 244 00:11:57,320 --> 00:11:58,520 we'd be, like, 245 00:11:58,520 --> 00:12:01,960 looking for them things in the garden and all over the streets. 246 00:12:01,960 --> 00:12:05,640 - Oh, you mean, like, looking for eggs at Easter? - No! 247 00:12:05,640 --> 00:12:08,400 Like, back in the day, you know, and we'd be, like, 248 00:12:08,400 --> 00:12:10,320 you'd be on your phone and you was tryin' 249 00:12:10,320 --> 00:12:12,080 to collect them little monsters. 250 00:12:12,080 --> 00:12:14,720 - Oh, Pokemon Go. - Pokemon Go! That's it. 251 00:12:14,720 --> 00:12:18,400 - Back in the day. - Yeah, but, I mean, I wouldn't say that was, like, 252 00:12:18,400 --> 00:12:21,080 - back in the day, that was, like, last week, innit? - Yeah, last week, 253 00:12:21,080 --> 00:12:22,640 like, well back in the day. 254 00:12:24,640 --> 00:12:27,840 D'you remember back in the day what a ball ache it was to watch a movie? 255 00:12:27,840 --> 00:12:31,320 Oh, what, like, goin' down Blockbusters an', like, get a DVD? 256 00:12:31,320 --> 00:12:33,680 No, I'm talking, like, back in the DAY. 257 00:12:33,680 --> 00:12:36,240 Oh, when you had to wait ages for, like, a movie to come out 258 00:12:36,240 --> 00:12:37,520 an' watch it on the TV? 259 00:12:37,520 --> 00:12:40,000 Nah, nah, nah, nah, I'm talkin', like, back in the DAY! 260 00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:42,320 You know, when you be, like, sittin' on a bus, 261 00:12:42,320 --> 00:12:45,200 you'd have to get your phone out your pocket and press play. 262 00:12:45,200 --> 00:12:48,360 What you mean, like... watchin' a movie on your phone? 263 00:12:48,360 --> 00:12:50,080 Yeah, that's it, you got it. 264 00:12:50,080 --> 00:12:52,920 But that ain't back in the day, that was, like, this mornin'. 265 00:12:52,920 --> 00:12:55,560 Yeah, this mornin', back in the day. 266 00:12:55,560 --> 00:12:57,640 Well back in the day. 267 00:12:57,640 --> 00:13:00,240 D'you remember, like, back in the day when was just chillin' 268 00:13:00,240 --> 00:13:03,280 - and chattin' an' that. - What, at my mum's house? - Nah, I'm talkin', like, 269 00:13:03,280 --> 00:13:06,200 - back-back-back-back-back-back-back in the day. - Oh, in the playground. 270 00:13:06,200 --> 00:13:08,680 Nah, nah, I'm talkin' back in the DAY! 271 00:13:08,680 --> 00:13:11,720 You know, when we was, like, sittin' on this sofa, 272 00:13:11,720 --> 00:13:13,360 but it was made of wood. 273 00:13:16,840 --> 00:13:19,640 - D'you mean this bench? - Yeah! That's it. 274 00:13:19,640 --> 00:13:23,120 I've got, like, this memory of us sittin' on this bench, 275 00:13:23,120 --> 00:13:25,920 talkin' about Pokemon Go. 276 00:13:25,920 --> 00:13:29,240 No, that ain't back in the day, though, is it? That is NOW! 277 00:13:29,240 --> 00:13:32,600 - Yeah! - "Back in the day" is a long time ago! 278 00:13:32,600 --> 00:13:35,400 It don't mean now, innit?! 279 00:13:35,400 --> 00:13:37,120 All right, I got it. 280 00:13:41,880 --> 00:13:44,040 D'you remember back in the day when you told me 281 00:13:44,040 --> 00:13:47,400 - what back in the day meant? - Oh, shut up! 282 00:13:47,400 --> 00:13:49,920 APPLAUSE 283 00:13:49,920 --> 00:13:54,440 Time now for round two - What's Different About her? 284 00:13:54,440 --> 00:13:56,520 And for the viewers at home... 285 00:13:56,520 --> 00:13:59,400 let's see what's different about Julie. 286 00:14:00,600 --> 00:14:01,920 OK, Peter. 287 00:14:03,240 --> 00:14:08,360 You've got 30 seconds, and your time starts...now! 288 00:14:08,360 --> 00:14:11,120 - What's different about her? - You've lost weight. - No. 289 00:14:11,120 --> 00:14:12,680 - You've put on weight. - No! 290 00:14:12,680 --> 00:14:14,360 No, you don't look like you have. 291 00:14:14,360 --> 00:14:16,440 - Your rash has gone. - What rash? 292 00:14:16,440 --> 00:14:18,080 Um... Er... 293 00:14:18,080 --> 00:14:20,520 - You've finally had your teeth fixed. - No! 294 00:14:20,520 --> 00:14:23,080 - Is it something to do with hair? - You're getting warmer. 295 00:14:23,080 --> 00:14:25,240 - You've waxed your moustache. - No. 296 00:14:25,240 --> 00:14:27,000 - You've shaved your ears? - No! 297 00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:29,280 GONG AND KLAXON 298 00:14:29,280 --> 00:14:30,800 Time's up. 299 00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:33,840 Julie, tell us, what is different about you? 300 00:14:34,840 --> 00:14:37,040 I've gone blonde! 301 00:14:37,040 --> 00:14:40,480 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. I was going to say that, yeah. 302 00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:43,560 - What were you before? - Brunette! - Yeah, brunette! 303 00:14:43,560 --> 00:14:45,480 I knew that, I knew that. 304 00:14:45,480 --> 00:14:48,360 Julie, now it's your turn to play! 305 00:14:51,840 --> 00:14:55,280 For the viewers at home, let's see what's different about Peter. 306 00:14:58,600 --> 00:15:01,920 OK, Julie, 30 seconds on the clock. What's different about Peter? 307 00:15:03,200 --> 00:15:05,480 - He's shaved. - BELL DINGS 308 00:15:05,480 --> 00:15:07,560 Correct! See you after the break. 309 00:15:11,240 --> 00:15:13,840 FOG HORN 310 00:15:13,840 --> 00:15:15,720 COUGHING 311 00:15:15,720 --> 00:15:19,400 Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome 312 00:15:19,400 --> 00:15:24,200 your entertainment for this evening - Miss Gina Ferrari! 313 00:15:24,200 --> 00:15:27,200 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 314 00:15:31,360 --> 00:15:34,960 Thank you! Thank you all, ladies and gentlemen, and good evening. 315 00:15:34,960 --> 00:15:38,000 It's a very special night tonight because I've been told 316 00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:40,720 we've got a big, hotshot manager in the audience. 317 00:15:40,720 --> 00:15:44,240 A big round of applause, please, for Mick Waterhouse! 318 00:15:50,000 --> 00:15:53,480 "No pressure, Gina! Just your last chance at the big time." 319 00:15:53,480 --> 00:15:54,640 OK. 320 00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:02,120 # When you're alone and life is making you lonely 321 00:16:02,120 --> 00:16:03,720 # You can always go... # 322 00:16:03,720 --> 00:16:05,400 Just to say, Mick, sorry - 323 00:16:05,400 --> 00:16:08,160 there's nothing wrong with working on cruise ships. 324 00:16:08,160 --> 00:16:11,160 Some of the most talented entertainers work on cruise ships. 325 00:16:11,160 --> 00:16:13,000 I'm just ready for a change. 326 00:16:17,600 --> 00:16:21,000 # When you're alone and life is making you... # 327 00:16:21,000 --> 00:16:24,280 Sorry, when I say "change", I mean, I am happy where I am. 328 00:16:24,280 --> 00:16:27,160 Although I would pack this in at the drop of a hat 329 00:16:27,160 --> 00:16:29,560 if I was offered a record deal. 330 00:16:29,560 --> 00:16:31,680 I'd steal a lifeboat if I had to! 331 00:16:31,680 --> 00:16:36,000 "Oh, come on, Gina, you're supposed to be singing, not prattling on." 332 00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:38,000 OK, here we go. 333 00:16:39,680 --> 00:16:42,600 # When you're alone and life is making you lonely... # 334 00:16:42,600 --> 00:16:45,560 Oh, I meant to say, I've already got a big online fan base. 335 00:16:45,560 --> 00:16:48,040 326 followers on Twitter. 336 00:16:48,040 --> 00:16:52,080 If all them of them bought an album, tenner an album, you do the maths. 337 00:16:55,400 --> 00:16:56,960 # When you're alone and life... # 338 00:16:56,960 --> 00:17:00,200 Just over three grand. I did it in my head, see? 339 00:17:00,200 --> 00:17:01,760 Not just a pretty face. 340 00:17:01,760 --> 00:17:03,440 Got a business mind, too. 341 00:17:03,440 --> 00:17:06,080 I want to be like Beyonce, running me own empire - 342 00:17:06,080 --> 00:17:08,840 clothing range, perfume, leisurewear. 343 00:17:10,760 --> 00:17:13,400 # When you're alone and life is making you... # 344 00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:15,560 I mean, I'm not getting ahead of meself here, Mick. 345 00:17:15,560 --> 00:17:18,560 I just know that deep down in my heart I've got something special. 346 00:17:21,080 --> 00:17:23,720 # When you're alone and life is making you lonely... # 347 00:17:23,720 --> 00:17:26,920 It came across a bit arrogant, that, didn't it? "Something special." 348 00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:30,360 But those aren't my words. Those are the words of the Whitby Gazette. 349 00:17:30,360 --> 00:17:32,120 Gave me two stars. 350 00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:36,920 # When you're alone and life is... # 351 00:17:36,920 --> 00:17:38,520 ..out of three, not five. 352 00:17:38,520 --> 00:17:39,960 That wouldn't be so good. 353 00:17:42,160 --> 00:17:45,400 # When you're alone and life is making you lonely 354 00:17:45,400 --> 00:17:46,720 # You can... # 355 00:17:46,720 --> 00:17:49,440 Actually, the reviewer was a bit of an arsehole. 356 00:17:49,440 --> 00:17:53,000 I mean, he used the word "flawless". How is that not three stars? 357 00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:56,600 # When you're alone and life is making you lonely... # 358 00:17:56,600 --> 00:17:59,520 But when I see an arsehole I call him an arsehole. 359 00:17:59,520 --> 00:18:02,200 But don't think you couldn't trust me to headline the Royal Variety - 360 00:18:02,200 --> 00:18:04,800 you could. No way I'd say "arsehole" in front of the Queen! 361 00:18:06,480 --> 00:18:09,400 # When you're alone and life is making you lonely 362 00:18:09,400 --> 00:18:11,120 # You can always go... # 363 00:18:11,120 --> 00:18:14,760 Oh, that's it. He's off. Seen enough, have you? 364 00:18:14,760 --> 00:18:17,600 "Too old, Gina!" Well, good! 365 00:18:17,600 --> 00:18:21,160 Because I don't need you, anyway! That's right, go on, walk out! 366 00:18:21,160 --> 00:18:23,680 Screw you, you...arsehole! 367 00:18:25,920 --> 00:18:27,680 Sorry, what was that? 368 00:18:29,040 --> 00:18:31,760 You're just going to the toilet? OK. 369 00:18:31,760 --> 00:18:33,200 Sorry. 370 00:18:33,200 --> 00:18:36,840 Well, I take that back. OK, we'll wait for you. 371 00:18:41,360 --> 00:18:43,280 - MUSIC STARTS - Wait! 372 00:18:43,280 --> 00:18:44,520 MUSIC STOPS 373 00:18:48,480 --> 00:18:52,200 Welcome back to Middle-class Jeremy Kyle. 374 00:18:52,200 --> 00:18:55,400 Now it's time to meet a vicar 375 00:18:55,400 --> 00:18:58,160 with the parishioner from hell. 376 00:18:58,160 --> 00:19:01,200 Please welcome to the show Reverend Stevens. 377 00:19:07,360 --> 00:19:12,160 So, Rev, tell us about this sickening turn of events. 378 00:19:12,160 --> 00:19:15,680 Well, after Sunday service there's a rota 379 00:19:15,680 --> 00:19:19,080 where one of the ladies of the parish bakes a cake, 380 00:19:19,080 --> 00:19:21,480 which we all enjoy with coffee. 381 00:19:21,480 --> 00:19:26,080 We take great pride in our baked cakes at St Christopher's. 382 00:19:26,080 --> 00:19:30,080 Last week it was Meredith's turn and I'm pretty sure she brought a cake 383 00:19:30,080 --> 00:19:33,600 from a supermarket and pretended that she baked it herself. 384 00:19:33,600 --> 00:19:35,960 Despicable! 385 00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:38,880 Let's bring out the evil hag! 386 00:19:38,880 --> 00:19:42,360 BOOING 387 00:19:42,360 --> 00:19:46,240 All right, let's not judge this turd of a woman just yet. 388 00:19:47,720 --> 00:19:49,360 So, Meredith... 389 00:19:51,360 --> 00:19:54,160 ..tell us your side of the story. 390 00:19:54,160 --> 00:19:59,760 I don't know why Reverend Stevens would say that. I did bake the cake. 391 00:19:59,760 --> 00:20:03,760 Well, I ate five slices of it and I'm pretty sure it came from Tesco. 392 00:20:03,760 --> 00:20:08,640 Well, earlier today, we sent Meredith here 393 00:20:08,640 --> 00:20:11,480 for a lie detector test. 394 00:20:11,480 --> 00:20:15,920 She was kicking and screaming but we strapped her into it anyway. 395 00:20:15,920 --> 00:20:21,480 And the results are in. We asked Meredith, "Was the cake from Tesco?" 396 00:20:21,480 --> 00:20:24,240 She answered, "No." 397 00:20:24,240 --> 00:20:26,280 Our lie detector said... 398 00:20:26,280 --> 00:20:29,800 TENSE MUSIC PLAYS 399 00:20:34,840 --> 00:20:36,200 ..she was lying. 400 00:20:36,200 --> 00:20:37,920 AUDIENCE GASP 401 00:20:37,920 --> 00:20:40,800 It was from the Tesco Finest range. 402 00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:45,680 - God forgives you. - He might, but I don't! 403 00:20:45,680 --> 00:20:49,480 OK, Meredith, I think we all know how this goes. 404 00:20:49,480 --> 00:20:52,800 First, you pull off a shop-bought cake as your own. 405 00:20:52,800 --> 00:20:56,960 Next thing we know, you're burning down the church, stripping naked, 406 00:20:56,960 --> 00:21:01,240 covering yourself in goat's blood and praising the dark lord himself. 407 00:21:01,240 --> 00:21:02,960 Praise be to Satan! 408 00:21:02,960 --> 00:21:06,240 I really believe that what we need here is forgiveness. 409 00:21:06,240 --> 00:21:07,880 Shut up, Reverend! 410 00:21:07,880 --> 00:21:10,440 Or I'll get Steve here to smack you on the bottom 411 00:21:10,440 --> 00:21:12,360 with one of your own hymn books. 412 00:21:12,360 --> 00:21:15,200 Well, if that is God's will... 413 00:21:15,200 --> 00:21:18,160 Shut your face! Right, this is what needs to happen - 414 00:21:18,160 --> 00:21:21,800 YOU need to bake your own cakes! It's not hard. 415 00:21:21,800 --> 00:21:23,880 Eggs, flour... 416 00:21:25,480 --> 00:21:27,760 Just watch Bake Off. And you... 417 00:21:27,760 --> 00:21:31,000 need to stop flirting with Steve. It'll get you nowhere. 418 00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:33,080 He's bi-curious, at best. 419 00:21:33,080 --> 00:21:35,440 Now get off my show 420 00:21:35,440 --> 00:21:39,280 before I bake a cake and shove it up both of your arses! 421 00:21:40,320 --> 00:21:43,960 If you'd like to be a guest on the show, just call the number below. 422 00:21:43,960 --> 00:21:45,200 Goodbye! 423 00:21:45,200 --> 00:21:47,360 APPLAUSE 424 00:21:52,880 --> 00:21:54,200 Look at him. 425 00:21:55,960 --> 00:21:57,240 Look at him. 426 00:21:58,480 --> 00:22:00,720 That's my hubby, that is. 427 00:22:00,720 --> 00:22:01,920 Hot, ain't he? 428 00:22:03,200 --> 00:22:07,400 He should be in list of Top Ten Hottest Guys In World. 429 00:22:07,400 --> 00:22:09,560 And I'm the luckiest girl alive. 430 00:22:11,240 --> 00:22:13,920 Feel like I've won Lottery every day. 431 00:22:13,920 --> 00:22:18,720 I wake up and I see him lying next to me naked. 432 00:22:18,720 --> 00:22:22,000 And I say "Ooh, yeah, please, I'll have a portion of that!" 433 00:22:25,520 --> 00:22:29,480 Ticks every box. Great conversation - tick. 434 00:22:29,480 --> 00:22:32,000 Hot bod - double tick. 435 00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:34,920 Smashing sense of humour - triple tick. 436 00:22:37,000 --> 00:22:40,320 I only have to look at him and I know what he's thinking. 437 00:22:40,320 --> 00:22:43,480 Just that lickle look and I roll with laughter. 438 00:22:43,480 --> 00:22:45,120 Look, he's doing it now - look. 439 00:22:46,560 --> 00:22:47,920 Stop it, you. 440 00:22:53,080 --> 00:22:55,440 If you start me off, I won't stop. 441 00:22:57,800 --> 00:23:00,360 Tough at times being with such an Adonis. 442 00:23:00,360 --> 00:23:05,160 As you can imagine, when we go out I have to fight off womenfolk. 443 00:23:06,320 --> 00:23:08,480 Holidays are worst, though, 444 00:23:08,480 --> 00:23:11,120 when he's on beach in only his Speedos... 445 00:23:12,200 --> 00:23:15,560 ..giving the ladies a glimpse of his lickle wrinkly ball bag. 446 00:23:17,640 --> 00:23:20,560 And all senoritas, they gather round to have a gawp, 447 00:23:20,560 --> 00:23:22,360 they're like flies round shit. 448 00:23:22,360 --> 00:23:25,000 "Who is he? Is he an actor? 449 00:23:25,000 --> 00:23:27,920 "A model?" they ask. And I say, "No. 450 00:23:29,080 --> 00:23:31,520 "That's my husband, Clive Stoat." 451 00:23:33,240 --> 00:23:37,520 "Is he... Is he a model and pop star in films?" and I say, "No." 452 00:23:39,040 --> 00:23:41,240 Actually, my Clive's currently unemployed 453 00:23:41,240 --> 00:23:42,840 on account of his gangrene. 454 00:23:44,720 --> 00:23:47,160 Not everyone gets to meet the perfect man. 455 00:23:48,400 --> 00:23:51,200 Sometimes I think of all girls he could've had if he'd wanted. 456 00:23:51,200 --> 00:23:53,320 Nicole Scherkinger. 457 00:23:54,240 --> 00:23:55,280 No. 458 00:23:56,800 --> 00:23:58,120 Angelina Jolly. 459 00:23:59,240 --> 00:24:01,640 In your dreams, love. 460 00:24:01,640 --> 00:24:03,960 Ry-anna, jog on. 461 00:24:06,440 --> 00:24:10,000 Because Clive picked me - Bertha Stoat. 462 00:24:11,600 --> 00:24:14,320 And he's made me happiest girl in world. 463 00:24:16,440 --> 00:24:17,960 Ain't ya? 464 00:24:19,840 --> 00:24:22,920 Right, come on, sexy. 465 00:24:22,920 --> 00:24:26,040 Let's hoist you onto toilet. 466 00:24:27,280 --> 00:24:29,360 We all have dreams as children 467 00:24:29,360 --> 00:24:32,520 but very few of us get to see those dreams come true. 468 00:24:32,520 --> 00:24:35,400 Trudi Funt loved playing with her dolls so much 469 00:24:35,400 --> 00:24:37,960 she actually changed her name to Barbie. 470 00:24:37,960 --> 00:24:40,560 This is the story of Barbie Funt. 471 00:24:43,000 --> 00:24:45,760 I used to play with Barbie when I were a little, 472 00:24:45,760 --> 00:24:48,720 up to the age of about, er, 27. 473 00:24:49,840 --> 00:24:53,640 And, er, I always hoped that one day I'd grow up to be Barbie 474 00:24:53,640 --> 00:24:54,880 and now I have - 475 00:24:54,880 --> 00:24:56,760 a beautiful, real-life princess. 476 00:24:59,040 --> 00:25:02,120 But this Barbie's dream hasn't come cheap. 477 00:25:02,120 --> 00:25:04,360 Well, this were five grand. 478 00:25:04,360 --> 00:25:08,040 These were two grand. These were a grand each. 479 00:25:08,040 --> 00:25:09,960 This were ten grand. 480 00:25:09,960 --> 00:25:11,600 Still saving up for this one. 481 00:25:12,600 --> 00:25:15,640 Did cost a lot but I were dead lucky cos, er, 482 00:25:15,640 --> 00:25:17,240 me nan got hit by a truck. 483 00:25:18,320 --> 00:25:19,760 She left me all the money. 484 00:25:19,760 --> 00:25:21,000 Thank you, Nanna. 485 00:25:22,440 --> 00:25:26,680 I know she's looking down on me now right proud, thinking, "Nice tit." 486 00:25:28,160 --> 00:25:32,200 Barbie Funt's obsession has made it hard for her to form relationships, 487 00:25:32,200 --> 00:25:35,680 but she finally found a soul mate in local electrician Darren. 488 00:25:35,680 --> 00:25:37,560 This is my dream man - Ken. 489 00:25:37,560 --> 00:25:38,760 Darren. 490 00:25:40,440 --> 00:25:43,360 If anything, he's more of a Barbie fan than I am. 491 00:25:43,360 --> 00:25:46,000 I don't think that's possible, my love. 492 00:25:46,000 --> 00:25:49,560 So I sold his motorbike and all his mum's furniture 493 00:25:49,560 --> 00:25:51,400 and look what it paid for - 494 00:25:51,400 --> 00:25:53,640 17 separate procedures. 495 00:25:53,640 --> 00:25:56,040 And a lot of arse ache from the lads at work. 496 00:25:57,240 --> 00:25:58,840 I made him have it all done - 497 00:25:58,840 --> 00:26:03,920 teeth, highlights, liposuction, buttock lift, 498 00:26:03,920 --> 00:26:06,840 breast reduction, nipple relocation. 499 00:26:07,840 --> 00:26:10,480 But the one thing I love about a Ken doll 500 00:26:10,480 --> 00:26:13,400 is that he's smooth as a runway down there. 501 00:26:13,400 --> 00:26:15,720 Totally hairless. But he wouldn't do it. 502 00:26:17,480 --> 00:26:21,240 So when Ken were asleep I immacced his privates. 503 00:26:21,240 --> 00:26:25,240 She left it on too long. Hurt like buggery. Went red raw. 504 00:26:26,320 --> 00:26:27,680 Having found her Ken, 505 00:26:27,680 --> 00:26:30,880 this Barbie is now ready to live happily ever after. 506 00:26:30,880 --> 00:26:32,560 And we're gonna get married. 507 00:26:32,560 --> 00:26:33,600 Are we? 508 00:26:33,600 --> 00:26:36,760 Yeah. It's gonna be the Barbie dream wedding. 509 00:26:36,760 --> 00:26:39,520 We're gonna have a life-size princess carriage 510 00:26:39,520 --> 00:26:41,200 pulled by four pink ponies. 511 00:26:41,200 --> 00:26:43,040 You can't get pink ponies. 512 00:26:43,040 --> 00:26:46,640 Just spray 'em, Ken. Use the paint left over from your van. 513 00:26:47,840 --> 00:26:51,280 I'll be in a diamond-encrusted princess dress with a diamond tiara. 514 00:26:51,280 --> 00:26:53,880 He'll be in a diamond encrusted thong. 515 00:26:53,880 --> 00:26:56,040 You what? 516 00:26:56,040 --> 00:26:59,200 Best thing is, just like the real Barbie and Ken, 517 00:26:59,200 --> 00:27:03,160 we're gonna be together forever and ever and ever and ever and ever. 518 00:27:03,160 --> 00:27:06,120 And one day we'll have a little Barbie running round. 519 00:27:06,120 --> 00:27:08,160 Well, what if we have a boy? 520 00:27:08,160 --> 00:27:10,640 Well, these days there's procedures for that. 521 00:27:15,240 --> 00:27:19,680 Welcome back. Time now for our quickfire round - 522 00:27:19,680 --> 00:27:21,560 What Do You Love About Him? 523 00:27:24,600 --> 00:27:27,640 Julie, you're first up, you have just ten seconds 524 00:27:27,640 --> 00:27:31,560 to list all the things you love about Peter, as many as you can. 525 00:27:31,560 --> 00:27:33,600 Your time starts now. 526 00:27:33,600 --> 00:27:35,920 Er, well, we have a laugh together. 527 00:27:35,920 --> 00:27:37,760 He's good round the house. 528 00:27:37,760 --> 00:27:42,040 He always sends me for a curry on a Friday night, um, looks after me. 529 00:27:42,040 --> 00:27:45,400 He's good with the kids, er, works hard, 530 00:27:45,400 --> 00:27:47,960 we've been together for so long, he knows me better than anybody. 531 00:27:47,960 --> 00:27:49,840 GONG RINGS 532 00:27:49,840 --> 00:27:52,360 Seven things! 533 00:27:54,280 --> 00:27:56,920 Let's see if Peter can do any better. 534 00:27:58,240 --> 00:28:02,440 OK, Peter, you've got ten seconds and seven to beat. 535 00:28:02,440 --> 00:28:04,480 What do you love about Julie? 536 00:28:04,480 --> 00:28:06,400 Your time starts now. 537 00:28:07,840 --> 00:28:10,080 Um... 538 00:28:10,080 --> 00:28:12,240 Um... Um... 539 00:28:12,240 --> 00:28:14,720 Um... 540 00:28:16,080 --> 00:28:17,160 Her tits! 541 00:28:17,160 --> 00:28:19,080 GONG RINGS 542 00:28:22,960 --> 00:28:25,120 So, Peter managed one. 543 00:28:26,600 --> 00:28:27,920 Technically it's two. 544 00:28:29,520 --> 00:28:31,040 # Forget all your troubles 545 00:28:31,040 --> 00:28:33,800 # Forget all your cares and go down... # 546 00:28:33,800 --> 00:28:36,960 Sorry, I forgot to say the toilets on G Deck are blocked.