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Good evening. I'm the head of the BBC.

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Before tonight's show begins,

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I'd like to talk to you about how cutbacks at the BBC will affect you,

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the viewer.

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In entertainment,

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The One Show will now be known as the Two For One Show.

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MasterChef will be renamed LittleChef.

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And Wonders Of The Solar System

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becomes Wonders Of The Swindon One Way System.

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In drama, Call The Midwife will become

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Call The Midwife But Please Can You Use Someone Else's Phone?

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And Death in Paradise will become A Minor Injury In Butlin's.

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And in current affairs, The News At Ten

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will be renamed The News At £9.99.

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And finally, the show you're about to watch, Walliams And Friend,

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will become Walliams And Cheapest Available Celebrity.

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Goodnight.

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OK, let's get some valuations done.

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- Yeah. Yeah, yeah. 
- The first one is a one-bedroom flat.

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Needs a lot of updating.

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Any outside space?

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You can stick your head out of a window.

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- Whereabouts is it? 
- Knightsbridge.

24
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What shall we put it on at?

25
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- Oh, Knightsbridge, oh, 1.2 mil? 
- 1.4? 
- 1.5? 
- 1.55?

26
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- 3.9. 
- 3.9.

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All right. This one... It's a cupboard.

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- An actual cupboard? 
- Yeah, cupboard.

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And who would this cupboard suit?

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Young, single guy,

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not claustrophobic.

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Doesn't mind sleeping standing up.

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And whereabouts is this cupboard?

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Mayfair.

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- 2.2? 
- 2.7? 
- 2.9?

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2.99?

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Whereabouts in Mayfair?

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Oh, it's in the middle.

39
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- 8.1. 
- 8.1.

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KNOCKING

41
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Empty cardboard box.

42
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- Is it near a tube? 
- It's right outside the tube.

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- Which tube? 
- Notting Hill tube.

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3 mil.

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Have you gone berserk?!

46
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This is an empty cardboard box outside Notting Hill tube!

47
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4 mil?

48
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HE SCOFFS You could get way more than that.

49
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Dig down, create a superbasement.

50
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- Dig down, dig down. 
- Dig down. 
- Dig down.

51
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- Way down. 
- Cinema room.

52
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- Swimming pool. 
- Nespresso room.

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- Yoga space. 
- Wet room.

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- Dry room. 
- Hot room. 
- Cold room.

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- Room room. 
- Car park.

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Servant's quarters.

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Earth's core.

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So what are we going to say for this cardboard box?

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4.9.

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4.99?

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4.999?

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4.9999?

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4.999999?

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4.9999999.99.

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Shall we say 5?

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- 10? 
- 10, yes.

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Ooh! Ooh, this is a big one.

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Country estate.

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- Nice. 
- 12 bedrooms.

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Mm, what tube is this near?

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It isn't.

72
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What? Where is it?

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The north of England.

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Zone 6?

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Oh, no, it's outside the M25.

76
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I've heard of the south of England,

77
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I've never heard of the north of England.

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It's been there a while, apparently.

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How far is this place from London?

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300 miles.

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50 quid?

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Good luck getting that for it.

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APPLAUSE

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Love.

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Passion.

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Sex.

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Doing it.

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Humping.

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Knobbing.

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Rutting.

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How's your father.

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Slap and tickle.

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Sexual intercourse.

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Frottage.

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Getting your leg over.

96
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Hiding the sausage.

97
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Sticking it in and wiggling it around.

98
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A good rogering.

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Dipping your wick.

100
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Having it off.

101
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Shafting.

102
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Doing It.

103
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The new fragrance for men

104
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who like doing it...

105
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a lot.

106
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But, like, REALLY a lot.

107
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Like, too much.

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99p.

109
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Ken?

110
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We need to have a talk.

111
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Can't we just watch a movie?

112
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No, I want to talk to you about the way you speak to my mother.

113
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Godzilla?

114
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Not only my mother.

115
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I want to talk to you about the way you speak to my father.

116
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The Grinch?

117
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I know you've always found my parents...

118
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Insidious?

119
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..difficult.

120
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But they actually really like you.

121
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I know you don't get on with my brothers.

122
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Dumb and Dumber?

123
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My grandparents, for that matter.

124
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The Evil Dead?

125
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I know last Christmas was a bit...

126
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- World War Z? 
- ..trying.

127
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But if we get together this year...

128
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There Will Be Blood.

129
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..I think it will be better.

130
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I know my mum's cooking was...

131
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- Superbad? 
- ..disappointing.

132
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But you have to give Mum a break. I mean, she's getting on a bit now.

133
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I really think we should...

134
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Terminator?

135
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..be patient.

136
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Same with my aunt.

137
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- I think we should... 
- Terminator 2.

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..be patient with both of them.

139
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And you know, you must understand...

140
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..that my father's very frustrated these days.

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I mean, he doesn't get much chance to...

142
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Enter The Dragon?

143
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..play golf or anything like that any more.

144
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I think we should take them...

145
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Into The Woods.

146
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..away for Christmas.

147
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- We could hire... 
- The Man With The Golden Gun.

148
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..a little cottage, or something like that.

149
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Luckily, this year, Stella won't be joining us.

150
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Whenever you're near my sister, I can tell you want to get...

151
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Interstellar?

152
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..into an argument with her,

153
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and I know that when we all went on holiday together, you saw her...

154
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Untouchables?

155
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..bad side.

156
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It's just a shame you didn't get to see her...

157
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Hot Fuzz? Jumanji? Snatch?

158
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..kind heart.

159
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Because you certainly showed her your...

160
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Alvin And The Chipmunks!

161
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..maudliness.

162
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Look, I know we've been having problems recently.

163
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You sometimes struggle to get it...

164
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Up?

165
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..together.

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I know we've been married a while, now.

167
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12 Years A Slave.

168
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But I know what we have is...

169
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Love Actually.

170
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Yes, exactly.

171
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Oh, come over here and give me a kiss on...

172
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The Ring?

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There you go, thank you.

174
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Can I have a plastic bag?

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They're 5p.

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5p?!

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5p for a plastic bag?! I ain't paying that, it's a rip off.

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Are you sure? You've got quite a lot of stuff there.

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Yeah, don't need one!

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Sure you don't want a bag? It's only 5p.

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SQUELCH

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CAMERAS CLICK

183
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5p!

184
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I know, it's a rip off.

185
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APPLAUSE

186
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I have a Gaz here to see you.

187
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Oh, no, no, no, tell him I'm out, tell him I've gone for the day.

188
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- Oi, oi, oi! 
- Hello.

189
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Nice to finally meet you.

190
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Thank you for all your letters and...

191
00:10:13,640 --> 00:10:15,480
drawings.

192
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I done a film idea, ain't I?

193
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Well, I always love hearing a new idea.

194
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So, take it away.

195
00:10:21,800 --> 00:10:24,280
It's a kiddies' film, one of them Harry Potters.

196
00:10:25,280 --> 00:10:28,120
Oh, is JK Rowling involved?

197
00:10:28,120 --> 00:10:29,480
No, he's not in it.

198
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OK, well, do you have a title?

199
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Harry Potters And The Punch Up In The Pub Car Park.

200
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Thanks for coming in.

201
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So, Harry Potters has given up all his magic malarkey

202
00:10:41,440 --> 00:10:43,080
and he's just having a quiet drink

203
00:10:43,080 --> 00:10:45,800
with the missus down his local Wetherspoons.

204
00:10:45,800 --> 00:10:47,160
Wetherspoons?

205
00:10:47,160 --> 00:10:48,680
Yeah, it's like a posh O'Neill's.

206
00:10:50,000 --> 00:10:53,040
And then he's coming back from the bar with a couple of pints,

207
00:10:53,040 --> 00:10:54,280
a bag of pork scratchings,

208
00:10:54,280 --> 00:10:57,720
and a packet of fags for his missus cos it's her birthday,

209
00:10:57,720 --> 00:11:00,280
and then this geezer barges into him,

210
00:11:00,280 --> 00:11:03,960
and he spills beer all down Harry Potters' trackie bottoms

211
00:11:03,960 --> 00:11:05,680
and Harry Potters does his catchphrase,

212
00:11:05,680 --> 00:11:06,720
"Who the shit did that?!"

213
00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:11,560
That's not his catchphrase, he doesn't have a catchphrase.

214
00:11:11,560 --> 00:11:13,920
Yeah, he does! He does it in all his films.

215
00:11:13,920 --> 00:11:16,400
"Who the shit did that?! Was it Voldemorts?"

216
00:11:17,440 --> 00:11:19,680
And then, Harry Potters turns around

217
00:11:19,680 --> 00:11:20,840
and who is it?

218
00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:23,320
Only James bloody Bonds!

219
00:11:23,320 --> 00:11:24,560
James Bond?

220
00:11:24,560 --> 00:11:26,440
Yeah, he's in it, keep up.

221
00:11:26,440 --> 00:11:28,640
But James Bonds just ignores Potters

222
00:11:28,640 --> 00:11:31,240
and he goes over to the bar and he does his catchphrase,

223
00:11:31,240 --> 00:11:34,760
"Hey, mate, I'll have a packet of cheese and onion crisps, please,

224
00:11:34,760 --> 00:11:36,280
"shaken, not stirred."

225
00:11:37,440 --> 00:11:38,960
That's not his catchphrase either.

226
00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:41,280
Yes, it is! He does it in his film!

227
00:11:41,280 --> 00:11:43,600
And then Potter goes up to Bond and goes,

228
00:11:43,600 --> 00:11:46,640
"Oi! Do you want my mate to give you a slap?!"

229
00:11:46,640 --> 00:11:51,160
And Bond goes, "I don't care, I bet your mate is a big girl and all."

230
00:11:51,160 --> 00:11:53,160
And then who should come out of the bogs?

231
00:11:53,160 --> 00:11:54,240
Supermans!

232
00:11:55,240 --> 00:11:59,480
We could never do a film with Harry Potter, James Bond AND Superman.

233
00:11:59,480 --> 00:12:00,960
All right, then, Batmans.

234
00:12:01,960 --> 00:12:03,720
Batmans comes out of the bogs,

235
00:12:03,720 --> 00:12:06,960
he flaps his cape and he goes, "Oof, I'd give that a minute."

236
00:12:08,160 --> 00:12:10,040
"I've done a really big batshit in there."

237
00:12:11,560 --> 00:12:14,720
And then Batmans clocks what's going on between Potters and Bonds,

238
00:12:14,720 --> 00:12:16,360
and he goes up to Bonds and he goes,

239
00:12:16,360 --> 00:12:20,000
"Hey, I'll tell you what you are, mate, a prick."

240
00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:21,840
And Bond goes, "I'm not a prick."

241
00:12:21,840 --> 00:12:23,120
I think I've heard enough.

242
00:12:23,120 --> 00:12:25,000
And then the landlord, who is Gandalf...

243
00:12:25,000 --> 00:12:26,520
You know, from X Men? He goes,

244
00:12:26,520 --> 00:12:30,000
"Batmans, Bonds, ye shall take this outside."

245
00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:32,400
But as soon as they're out in the pub car park,

246
00:12:32,400 --> 00:12:35,040
Batmans kicks Bonds in the nuts and Bonds goes,

247
00:12:35,040 --> 00:12:37,960
"Oi! That is bang out of order, mate!"

248
00:12:37,960 --> 00:12:40,480
And Bonds' bird's there, who's Mary Poppins,

249
00:12:40,480 --> 00:12:44,080
and she is whacking Batmans over the head with her handbag,

250
00:12:44,080 --> 00:12:46,840
going, "Get off him, Batmans, you fat bastard!"

251
00:12:48,320 --> 00:12:49,720
I really need to wrap this up now.

252
00:12:49,720 --> 00:12:51,600
No, no, no, this is the really good bit.

253
00:12:51,600 --> 00:12:55,440
Batmans and Bonds have this massive ruck in the pub car park

254
00:12:55,440 --> 00:12:58,240
and then, who should poke his head out of the window

255
00:12:58,240 --> 00:13:00,120
of the flat above the pub?

256
00:13:00,120 --> 00:13:01,320
Chewbaccas.

257
00:13:02,560 --> 00:13:03,720
Chewbacca's in it?

258
00:13:03,720 --> 00:13:06,120
Oh, yeah, from Star Trek! Keep up!

259
00:13:06,120 --> 00:13:07,520
And then they all pile in.

260
00:13:07,520 --> 00:13:13,400
Hannibal Lecters, the Hulk, Kermit the Frog, Forrest Gump, Han Solo,

261
00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:16,160
Indiana Jones, AND his sister Bridget Jones.

262
00:13:17,360 --> 00:13:19,560
And Bridget Jones, she does her catchphrase,

263
00:13:19,560 --> 00:13:23,920
"Oh, no! I done it with two geezers and now I've up the duff!"

264
00:13:25,120 --> 00:13:27,560
And then, the bloke from 50 Shades Of Grey,

265
00:13:27,560 --> 00:13:30,000
he pokes his head out of this Fiat Uno,

266
00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:33,040
and he goes, "Oi, stop rocking my mum's car,

267
00:13:33,040 --> 00:13:36,520
"I've got some kinky bird in here and she's giving me a hand shandy."

268
00:13:37,840 --> 00:13:40,760
You see her hand go up and down, but you don't see his old fella,

269
00:13:40,760 --> 00:13:42,800
cos it's a kiddies' film and that would be wrong.

270
00:13:43,880 --> 00:13:45,160
And everyone's fighting,

271
00:13:45,160 --> 00:13:47,680
and then, for no reason, they all look up,

272
00:13:47,680 --> 00:13:49,680
and across the car park,

273
00:13:49,680 --> 00:13:53,040
just past the recycling bins, they see...

274
00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:56,560
they see the giant head of the Statue of Liberties,

275
00:13:56,560 --> 00:13:59,600
and Harry Potters goes to his knees in the sand

276
00:13:59,600 --> 00:14:02,120
and goes, "Oh, no!

277
00:14:02,120 --> 00:14:04,400
"We're in the Planet of Apes!

278
00:14:04,400 --> 00:14:05,640
"Who the shit did that?!"

279
00:14:07,040 --> 00:14:08,320
Opening titles.

280
00:14:08,320 --> 00:14:11,240
Please, stop talking.

281
00:14:11,240 --> 00:14:13,680
I'm glad you said it, actually, because I've got to catch a bus.

282
00:14:13,680 --> 00:14:16,160
I'll come back and tell you the rest of the idea tomorrow.

283
00:14:18,160 --> 00:14:19,840
Oh, by the way,

284
00:14:19,840 --> 00:14:21,840
it's a trilogy. That means five films.

285
00:14:21,840 --> 00:14:23,040
See you tomorrow!

286
00:14:24,080 --> 00:14:25,120
APPLAUSE

287
00:14:26,480 --> 00:14:28,520
You can tell Steve I've finished the accounts.

288
00:14:28,520 --> 00:14:29,840
I'll see you in the morning.

289
00:14:31,560 --> 00:14:33,000
Goodnight, Brenda.

290
00:14:36,280 --> 00:14:38,680
Ow. My feelings.

291
00:14:40,400 --> 00:14:43,640
My line manager has been calling me Brenda for three years,

292
00:14:43,640 --> 00:14:45,400
even though my name is Glenda.

293
00:14:45,400 --> 00:14:47,280
I called Hurt Feelings Direct

294
00:14:47,280 --> 00:14:49,760
and they got me £100 compensation.

295
00:14:50,960 --> 00:14:52,840
Have you had your feelings hurt

296
00:14:52,840 --> 00:14:54,400
in a work place accident?

297
00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:56,200
Have you been emotionally bruised

298
00:14:56,200 --> 00:14:57,400
in the office,

299
00:14:57,400 --> 00:14:58,920
and it wasn't your fault?

300
00:14:58,920 --> 00:15:00,720
Then call...

301
00:15:00,720 --> 00:15:02,400
Hurt Feelings Direct.

302
00:15:02,400 --> 00:15:03,800
On my birthday,

303
00:15:03,800 --> 00:15:07,320
three different people in the office signed my card with Get Well Soon.

304
00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:10,920
And I brought in a cake, and no-one said "Thank you."

305
00:15:10,920 --> 00:15:12,920
I locked myself in the disabled toilets

306
00:15:12,920 --> 00:15:14,920
and cried for 20 minutes.

307
00:15:14,920 --> 00:15:17,440
Hurt Feelings Direct got me £50.

308
00:15:18,680 --> 00:15:21,680
Why should only manual labourers get cash

309
00:15:21,680 --> 00:15:23,440
when they suffer in the work place?

310
00:15:24,440 --> 00:15:26,120
Our experts are standing by

311
00:15:26,120 --> 00:15:29,520
to testify that your hurt feelings are just as painful

312
00:15:29,520 --> 00:15:32,720
as something like getting acid in your eyes,

313
00:15:32,720 --> 00:15:35,360
or catching your nuts in some bricks.

314
00:15:36,480 --> 00:15:39,720
I tried to get Gangnam Style started at the office Christmas party,

315
00:15:39,720 --> 00:15:41,320
and no-one joined in.

316
00:15:41,320 --> 00:15:42,840
So I danced on my own,

317
00:15:42,840 --> 00:15:44,440
and it was faintly embarrassing.

318
00:15:44,440 --> 00:15:47,560
Hurt Feelings Direct got me £47,000.

319
00:15:49,320 --> 00:15:54,320
I overheard my boss calling me "boring."

320
00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:03,280
Call Hurt Feelings Direct to speak to one of our operators,

321
00:16:03,280 --> 00:16:06,080
who are specially trained to listen to your story

322
00:16:06,080 --> 00:16:09,520
and not say, "Grow up and stop whingeing, you pathetic wimp."

323
00:16:10,560 --> 00:16:12,000
ALL: Hurt Feelings Direct.

324
00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:13,360
Direct.

325
00:16:13,360 --> 00:16:15,760
You. You were too slow.

326
00:16:20,760 --> 00:16:22,760
Great choice of car, madam.

327
00:16:22,760 --> 00:16:25,080
And it's yours for just £12,000.

328
00:16:25,080 --> 00:16:28,640
- That's not too bad. 
- There are a few...optional extras.

329
00:16:28,640 --> 00:16:31,280
- I'm fine, thank you. 
- Well, let me just take you through them,

330
00:16:31,280 --> 00:16:34,000
see if any take your fancy. Obviously, they are all optional.

331
00:16:34,000 --> 00:16:36,320
- OK. 
- Sun roof?

332
00:16:36,320 --> 00:16:38,280
- How much is that? 
- £200?

333
00:16:38,280 --> 00:16:40,560
- Nah. 
- Nah, we don't need a sun roof.

334
00:16:40,560 --> 00:16:42,240
Sat-nav, £400?

335
00:16:42,240 --> 00:16:43,680
Nah, I'm fine.

336
00:16:43,680 --> 00:16:44,720
Tyres?

337
00:16:47,000 --> 00:16:48,680
- Sorry? 
- Would you like tyres?

338
00:16:49,680 --> 00:16:52,320
Or are you the kind of driver who prefers to have sparks

339
00:16:52,320 --> 00:16:55,800
flying out from underneath your car as it screeches along the motorway?

340
00:16:55,800 --> 00:16:58,480
No! Of course I want tyres!

341
00:16:58,480 --> 00:16:59,720
How many?

342
00:17:01,080 --> 00:17:02,320
Four?

343
00:17:02,320 --> 00:17:04,640
- £500. 
- Could be worse.

344
00:17:04,640 --> 00:17:06,000
Each.

345
00:17:06,000 --> 00:17:07,280
It is worse.

346
00:17:07,280 --> 00:17:08,640
Car battery.

347
00:17:08,640 --> 00:17:11,480
- What? 
- Are you planning to turn the car on and off?

348
00:17:13,560 --> 00:17:16,680
Well, yes, obviously I want a car battery.

349
00:17:16,680 --> 00:17:19,600
Fantastic, £700.

350
00:17:19,600 --> 00:17:21,120
Petrol tank?

351
00:17:21,120 --> 00:17:23,720
Well, you can't get anywhere without a petrol tank.

352
00:17:23,720 --> 00:17:25,920
- Yes, you can. 
- How?

353
00:17:25,920 --> 00:17:27,560
You could roll the car down a hill.

354
00:17:27,560 --> 00:17:28,920
How would I get back up the hill?

355
00:17:28,920 --> 00:17:30,880
That's why we would recommend the petrol tank.

356
00:17:32,200 --> 00:17:33,520
All right, then.

357
00:17:33,520 --> 00:17:37,080
Fantastic, £1,200.

358
00:17:37,080 --> 00:17:38,920
- Are we done? 
- Pretty much, yeah!

359
00:17:38,920 --> 00:17:41,160
Oh, um, seats.

360
00:17:41,160 --> 00:17:44,480
- What? 
- Do you prefer to stand up as you drive,

361
00:17:44,480 --> 00:17:46,440
or would you like to sit down?

362
00:17:46,440 --> 00:17:48,280
Sit, obviously!

363
00:17:48,280 --> 00:17:50,920
That's £2,000.

364
00:17:50,920 --> 00:17:53,240
Now, when you're driving along,

365
00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:55,400
if someone was to run in front of the car,

366
00:17:55,400 --> 00:17:57,880
would you prefer to stop or just plough on through?

367
00:17:59,680 --> 00:18:01,440
I'd want to stop.

368
00:18:01,440 --> 00:18:03,840
Then I'll put you down for some brakes.

369
00:18:03,840 --> 00:18:07,000
£1,500.

370
00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:09,520
You're going for quite a few extras here, madam.

371
00:18:09,520 --> 00:18:12,360
Now, are you the kind of driver who enjoys wind and rain

372
00:18:12,360 --> 00:18:16,400
and loose stones flying into your face as you drive, or...

373
00:18:17,800 --> 00:18:20,000
I want a windscreen.

374
00:18:20,000 --> 00:18:24,400
Course you do! That's £2,000.

375
00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:27,560
So, with those optional extras,

376
00:18:27,560 --> 00:18:30,280
the car now comes to...

377
00:18:30,280 --> 00:18:33,080
£22,300.

378
00:18:33,080 --> 00:18:34,600
That's a lot more.

379
00:18:34,600 --> 00:18:35,960
Well, we could lose the brakes.

380
00:18:37,200 --> 00:18:39,280
No, I'm not going to lose the brakes.

381
00:18:39,280 --> 00:18:42,840
What do I do if I want to stop? Open the door and stick my foot out?

382
00:18:42,840 --> 00:18:44,160
Oh, you want doors?

383
00:18:48,000 --> 00:18:50,000
FAINT TRAFFIC NOISE AND BIRD CALLS

384
00:18:58,880 --> 00:19:00,120
HE SIGHS

385
00:19:01,680 --> 00:19:04,880
'Gillian Turner lives alone in Rotherham,

386
00:19:04,880 --> 00:19:09,160
'and has an obsession with a certain well-known celebrity.'

387
00:19:09,160 --> 00:19:11,440
He presents,

388
00:19:11,440 --> 00:19:13,200
he sings,

389
00:19:13,200 --> 00:19:14,440
he acts,

390
00:19:14,440 --> 00:19:15,840
he dances...

391
00:19:17,040 --> 00:19:21,040
..and he's got a great big forehead that covers half his face.

392
00:19:22,040 --> 00:19:28,400
Who could it be but Antony David McPartlin OBE?

393
00:19:29,880 --> 00:19:32,400
But Gillian has a surprising reaction

394
00:19:32,400 --> 00:19:34,600
to Ant's on-screen partner,

395
00:19:34,600 --> 00:19:35,840
Declan Donnelly.

396
00:19:36,920 --> 00:19:40,720
And she's come up with a novel solution to liking only one half

397
00:19:40,720 --> 00:19:42,760
of TV's favourite duo.

398
00:19:42,760 --> 00:19:45,480
As Ant always stands on the left

399
00:19:45,480 --> 00:19:49,320
and he who shall not be named always stands on the right...

400
00:19:50,680 --> 00:19:53,200
..I Tippexed over the right-hand side of my telly.

401
00:19:56,120 --> 00:19:57,400
It tends to work.

402
00:19:58,320 --> 00:20:01,840
Gillian has the biggest collection of Ant and Dec memorabilia

403
00:20:01,840 --> 00:20:03,600
outside of Newcastle.

404
00:20:03,600 --> 00:20:06,920
Of course, I bought his autobiography.

405
00:20:10,880 --> 00:20:12,440
But what I did was...

406
00:20:12,440 --> 00:20:15,480
What I did was, before I read it,

407
00:20:15,480 --> 00:20:17,280
I read it, I, like,

408
00:20:17,280 --> 00:20:21,360
I blacked out every mention of...

409
00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:28,600
Oh.

410
00:20:29,680 --> 00:20:30,720
I missed one.

411
00:20:33,360 --> 00:20:34,680
CHAIR CREAKS ITEMS CLATTER

412
00:20:39,840 --> 00:20:41,560
This is what our children will look like.

413
00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:46,560
Not just a fan of Ant McPartlin's TV work,

414
00:20:46,560 --> 00:20:50,120
Gillian is also a huge fan of his music.

415
00:20:50,120 --> 00:20:51,800
Ant's got a beautiful voice.

416
00:20:51,800 --> 00:20:53,600
What I do...

417
00:20:53,600 --> 00:20:55,880
whenever I listen to his songs,

418
00:20:55,880 --> 00:20:59,000
I turn the volume down whenever "it" is singing.

419
00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:00,040
# Psyche!

420
00:21:00,040 --> 00:21:01,880
# Let's get ready, ready Let's get ready, ready

421
00:21:01,880 --> 00:21:03,120
# Let's get, let's get

422
00:21:03,120 --> 00:21:04,520
# Let's get ready, ready

423
00:21:04,520 --> 00:21:06,440
# Let's get ready, ready Let's get ready, ready

424
00:21:06,440 --> 00:21:08,480
# Let's get ready to rhumble!

425
00:21:08,480 --> 00:21:09,760
# Straight up prooving...

426
00:21:10,960 --> 00:21:12,120
# This track's booming...

427
00:21:13,360 --> 00:21:15,120
# Watch us wreck the mic Watch us wreck the mic

428
00:21:15,120 --> 00:21:16,160
# Watch...

429
00:21:17,920 --> 00:21:19,240
# Let's get ready to rhumble! #

430
00:21:19,240 --> 00:21:21,600
He actually sends me secret messages through blinking.

431
00:21:23,120 --> 00:21:27,400
Whenever he's on the telly, I ask him a question. I say,

432
00:21:27,400 --> 00:21:31,760
"Anthony David McPartlin, do you love me?"

433
00:21:34,000 --> 00:21:35,320
And after a short pause...

434
00:21:36,280 --> 00:21:37,320
..he'll blink.

435
00:21:38,480 --> 00:21:41,040
And that blink means...

436
00:21:41,040 --> 00:21:43,880
"Yes, Gillian McPartlin,

437
00:21:43,880 --> 00:21:47,120
"I love you, too, and I want to be with you forever."

438
00:21:50,200 --> 00:21:51,840
All we have to do is kill Dec.

439
00:21:55,040 --> 00:21:56,440
Then I lick the television.

440
00:22:09,960 --> 00:22:11,560
FOOTSTEPS

441
00:22:17,840 --> 00:22:18,960
SLURPING

442
00:22:23,200 --> 00:22:24,400
All right?

443
00:22:24,400 --> 00:22:25,680
Yes.

444
00:22:25,680 --> 00:22:26,720
You're Julie, right?

445
00:22:27,840 --> 00:22:28,880
Yes.

446
00:22:28,880 --> 00:22:29,920
I'm Phil.

447
00:22:29,920 --> 00:22:31,000
All right?

448
00:22:31,000 --> 00:22:32,040
Yes!

449
00:22:36,480 --> 00:22:37,880
You found this place all right?

450
00:22:39,080 --> 00:22:40,160
Yes.

451
00:22:40,160 --> 00:22:42,080
It's all right, isn't it?

452
00:22:42,080 --> 00:22:43,240
Yes.

453
00:22:43,240 --> 00:22:45,640
You look different in your profile pic.

454
00:22:45,640 --> 00:22:47,480
You didn't have your glasses on.

455
00:22:47,480 --> 00:22:49,320
Yes.

456
00:22:49,320 --> 00:22:50,960
Are you all right?

457
00:22:50,960 --> 00:22:52,120
Yes.

458
00:22:52,120 --> 00:22:53,840
Everything going all right?

459
00:22:53,840 --> 00:22:55,640
Yes.

460
00:22:55,640 --> 00:22:56,800
Work all right?

461
00:22:57,880 --> 00:22:58,960
Yes.

462
00:22:58,960 --> 00:23:00,200
Pets all right?

463
00:23:01,400 --> 00:23:03,080
My cat died yesterday.

464
00:23:07,360 --> 00:23:08,920
But apart from that, it's all right?

465
00:23:11,200 --> 00:23:12,280
Yes.

466
00:23:16,120 --> 00:23:17,240
Wine looks all right.

467
00:23:20,640 --> 00:23:21,920
Yes.

468
00:23:21,920 --> 00:23:23,040
Weather all right?

469
00:23:24,320 --> 00:23:25,400
Yes.

470
00:23:25,400 --> 00:23:27,080
Sometimes it's too hot or too cold,

471
00:23:27,080 --> 00:23:28,680
but at the moment it's...

472
00:23:28,680 --> 00:23:30,880
all right.

473
00:23:32,080 --> 00:23:33,240
(Oh, thank God.)

474
00:23:33,240 --> 00:23:34,800
You all right?

475
00:23:34,800 --> 00:23:37,360
- Yes. 
- Everything in the restaurant all right?

476
00:23:37,360 --> 00:23:39,600
- Yes. 
- Bloke in the kitchen all right?

477
00:23:39,600 --> 00:23:40,720
Erm...

478
00:23:40,720 --> 00:23:41,760
Yes.

479
00:23:41,760 --> 00:23:42,840
Pets all right?

480
00:23:42,840 --> 00:23:44,240
I don't have any pets.

481
00:23:44,240 --> 00:23:46,480
Oh, she don't now, either, her cat died yesterday.

482
00:23:47,400 --> 00:23:49,000
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

483
00:23:50,120 --> 00:23:51,600
Nah, she's all right.

484
00:23:52,960 --> 00:23:54,640
I'll be back in a moment to take your order.

485
00:23:58,600 --> 00:23:59,960
Food looks all right.

486
00:23:59,960 --> 00:24:01,240
Yes.

487
00:24:01,240 --> 00:24:04,000
So I read on your profile that you used to be married.

488
00:24:04,000 --> 00:24:05,240
How was that, all right?

489
00:24:06,320 --> 00:24:09,040
He had an affair with my sister, and she fell pregnant.

490
00:24:10,160 --> 00:24:12,640
Then he gambled away all my life savings,

491
00:24:12,640 --> 00:24:14,800
and she moved in and he changed the locks on the house.

492
00:24:15,800 --> 00:24:18,880
Every night when I go to bed I have to cry as quietly as possible

493
00:24:18,880 --> 00:24:21,080
so as not to disturb my disabled mother,

494
00:24:21,080 --> 00:24:22,320
with whom I share a bed.

495
00:24:28,720 --> 00:24:30,480
But other than that, it was all right?

496
00:24:44,320 --> 00:24:45,960
HE MAKES WHIRRING NOISE

497
00:24:45,960 --> 00:24:47,560
FOUR BEEPS

498
00:24:48,680 --> 00:24:49,880
WHIRRING

499
00:24:49,880 --> 00:24:51,560
Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

500
00:24:52,840 --> 00:24:54,960
WHIRRING

501
00:24:57,160 --> 00:24:58,720
LOW WHIRRING

502
00:25:09,360 --> 00:25:13,320
Welcome back to Middle Class Jeremy Kyle.

503
00:25:13,320 --> 00:25:17,360
Our next guest has been with her husband for 43 years,

504
00:25:17,360 --> 00:25:21,760
but their marriage is in tatters after his vile behaviour.

505
00:25:21,760 --> 00:25:23,120
Let's bring him out.

506
00:25:23,120 --> 00:25:25,720
BOOING

507
00:25:32,040 --> 00:25:33,400
Go on, Margaret.

508
00:25:33,400 --> 00:25:37,600
Tell us what this repulsive piece of excrement has done to you.

509
00:25:38,840 --> 00:25:41,880
Well, we had our grandchildren over

510
00:25:41,880 --> 00:25:43,920
for a cup of tea

511
00:25:43,920 --> 00:25:45,880
and when I served up the biscuits,

512
00:25:45,880 --> 00:25:48,040
I noticed they were a bit stale

513
00:25:48,040 --> 00:25:49,640
because Oliver had left the lid

514
00:25:49,640 --> 00:25:51,080
off the biscuit tin!

515
00:25:52,120 --> 00:25:53,200
- AUDIENCE: 
- OOOOOOH!

516
00:25:55,000 --> 00:25:56,600
Unbelievable!

517
00:25:57,800 --> 00:26:02,120
You lazy, good for nothing, pathetic excuse for a man.

518
00:26:02,120 --> 00:26:03,280
Did you ever stop to think

519
00:26:03,280 --> 00:26:05,720
what would happen if you left the lid off the biscuits?

520
00:26:05,720 --> 00:26:08,880
- May I just say... 
- Shut up! You've had your turn.

521
00:26:08,880 --> 00:26:11,360
- No, I haven't. 
- I'm talking.

522
00:26:11,360 --> 00:26:13,320
Do you want me to have you thrown off this show?

523
00:26:13,320 --> 00:26:14,680
I'd welcome it.

524
00:26:16,680 --> 00:26:18,200
Well, it's not going to happen.

525
00:26:18,200 --> 00:26:21,320
You'd better shut it or I'll shove that walking stick

526
00:26:21,320 --> 00:26:24,160
where the sun don't shine, got it, mate?

527
00:26:24,160 --> 00:26:25,960
OHHHHHHH!

528
00:26:28,320 --> 00:26:32,040
So, Margaret, what are you going to do?

529
00:26:32,040 --> 00:26:35,160
Well, I'm not sure it's that big an issue.

530
00:26:35,160 --> 00:26:37,360
I've got one word for you, Margaret.

531
00:26:37,360 --> 00:26:39,320
Divorce the bastard.

532
00:26:40,640 --> 00:26:42,720
What, over a tin of biscuits?

533
00:26:42,720 --> 00:26:45,360
A leopard doesn't change its spots, love.

534
00:26:45,360 --> 00:26:48,280
First, he leaves the lid off the biscuit tin.

535
00:26:48,280 --> 00:26:51,400
Next, he'll be leaving the pickle jar open.

536
00:26:51,400 --> 00:26:53,280
Before you know it, bang,

537
00:26:53,280 --> 00:26:55,840
he's sleeping with hundreds of lap dancers.

538
00:27:05,200 --> 00:27:06,520
Doesn't sound too bad.

539
00:27:09,040 --> 00:27:12,080
I don't think Oliver meant to leave the lid off,

540
00:27:12,080 --> 00:27:14,560
I just think he's getting forgetful.

541
00:27:14,560 --> 00:27:16,920
Well, before the show...

542
00:27:18,160 --> 00:27:21,640
..we sent Oliver here off to do a lie detector test.

543
00:27:22,680 --> 00:27:26,880
And the results are in. We asked him, are you forgetful?

544
00:27:26,880 --> 00:27:28,480
Oliver replied,

545
00:27:28,480 --> 00:27:30,360
"I can't remember."

546
00:27:30,360 --> 00:27:32,160
And our lie detector said...

547
00:27:41,280 --> 00:27:44,120
"Does not compute, system failure."

548
00:27:45,600 --> 00:27:48,720
You've beaten the lie detector, you devious bastard.

549
00:27:48,720 --> 00:27:49,840
Oh.

550
00:27:49,840 --> 00:27:51,440
What are we talking about?

551
00:27:51,440 --> 00:27:53,200
Oh, shut up!

552
00:27:53,200 --> 00:27:55,120
I'm sick to the back teeth of you.

553
00:27:55,120 --> 00:27:57,120
Get off my show!

554
00:27:57,120 --> 00:27:58,400
Gladly.

555
00:28:02,120 --> 00:28:03,360
Bring back Trisha!

556
00:28:06,480 --> 00:28:09,400
SOBS

557
00:28:12,880 --> 00:28:14,520
Oh...

558
00:28:14,520 --> 00:28:16,880
WEEPING

559
00:28:16,880 --> 00:28:18,240
That's all from us this week.

560
00:28:19,200 --> 00:28:20,240
Bye.

561
00:28:23,720 --> 00:28:25,280
I'll get the counsellor.

562
00:28:25,280 --> 00:28:27,400
Why are people so mean?!

563
00:28:27,400 --> 00:28:31,800
APPLAUSE