Good evening. I'm the head of the BBC.
Before tonight's show begins,
I'd like to talk to you about how cutbacks at the BBC will affect you,
the viewer.
In entertainment,
The One Show will now be known as the Two For One Show.
MasterChef will be renamed LittleChef.
And Wonders Of The Solar System
becomes Wonders Of The Swindon One Way System.
In drama, Call The Midwife will become
Call The Midwife But Please Can You Use Someone Else's Phone?
And Death in Paradise will become A Minor Injury In Butlin's.
And in current affairs, The News At Ten
will be renamed The News At £9.99.
And finally, the show you're about to watch, Walliams And Friend,
will become Walliams And Cheapest Available Celebrity.
Goodnight.
OK, let's get some valuations done.
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah. - The first one is a one-bedroom flat.
Needs a lot of updating.
Any outside space?
You can stick your head out of a window.
- Whereabouts is it? - Knightsbridge.
What shall we put it on at?
- Oh, Knightsbridge, oh, 1.2 mil? - 1.4? - 1.5? - 1.55?
- 3.9. - 3.9.
All right. This one... It's a cupboard.
- An actual cupboard? - Yeah, cupboard.
And who would this cupboard suit?
Young, single guy,
not claustrophobic.
Doesn't mind sleeping standing up.
And whereabouts is this cupboard?
Mayfair.
- 2.2? - 2.7? - 2.9?
2.99?
Whereabouts in Mayfair?
Oh, it's in the middle.
- 8.1. - 8.1.
KNOCKING
Empty cardboard box.
- Is it near a tube? - It's right outside the tube.
- Which tube? - Notting Hill tube.
3 mil.
Have you gone berserk?!
This is an empty cardboard box outside Notting Hill tube!
4 mil?
HE SCOFFS You could get way more than that.
Dig down, create a superbasement.
- Dig down, dig down. - Dig down. - Dig down.
- Way down. - Cinema room.
- Swimming pool. - Nespresso room.
- Yoga space. - Wet room.
- Dry room. - Hot room. - Cold room.
- Room room. - Car park.
Servant's quarters.
Earth's core.
So what are we going to say for this cardboard box?
4.9.
4.99?
4.999?
4.9999?
4.999999?
4.9999999.99.
Shall we say 5?
- 10? - 10, yes.
Ooh! Ooh, this is a big one.
Country estate.
- Nice. - 12 bedrooms.
Mm, what tube is this near?
It isn't.
What? Where is it?
The north of England.
Zone 6?
Oh, no, it's outside the M25.
I've heard of the south of England,
I've never heard of the north of England.
It's been there a while, apparently.
How far is this place from London?
300 miles.
50 quid?
Good luck getting that for it.
APPLAUSE
Love.
Passion.
Sex.
Doing it.
Humping.
Knobbing.
Rutting.
How's your father.
Slap and tickle.
Sexual intercourse.
Frottage.
Getting your leg over.
Hiding the sausage.
Sticking it in and wiggling it around.
A good rogering.
Dipping your wick.
Having it off.
Shafting.
Doing It.
The new fragrance for men
who like doing it...
a lot.
But, like, REALLY a lot.
Like, too much.
99p.
Ken?
We need to have a talk.
Can't we just watch a movie?
No, I want to talk to you about the way you speak to my mother.
Godzilla?
Not only my mother.
I want to talk to you about the way you speak to my father.
The Grinch?
I know you've always found my parents...
Insidious?
..difficult.
But they actually really like you.
I know you don't get on with my brothers.
Dumb and Dumber?
My grandparents, for that matter.
The Evil Dead?
I know last Christmas was a bit...
- World War Z? - ..trying.
But if we get together this year...
There Will Be Blood.
..I think it will be better.
I know my mum's cooking was...
- Superbad? - ..disappointing.
But you have to give Mum a break. I mean, she's getting on a bit now.
I really think we should...
Terminator?
..be patient.
Same with my aunt.
- I think we should... - Terminator 2.
..be patient with both of them.
And you know, you must understand...
..that my father's very frustrated these days.
I mean, he doesn't get much chance to...
Enter The Dragon?
..play golf or anything like that any more.
I think we should take them...
Into The Woods.
..away for Christmas.
- We could hire... - The Man With The Golden Gun.
..a little cottage, or something like that.
Luckily, this year, Stella won't be joining us.
Whenever you're near my sister, I can tell you want to get...
Interstellar?
..into an argument with her,
and I know that when we all went on holiday together, you saw her...
Untouchables?
..bad side.
It's just a shame you didn't get to see her...
Hot Fuzz? Jumanji? Snatch?
..kind heart.
Because you certainly showed her your...
Alvin And The Chipmunks!
..maudliness.
Look, I know we've been having problems recently.
You sometimes struggle to get it...
Up?
..together.
I know we've been married a while, now.
12 Years A Slave.
But I know what we have is...
Love Actually.
Yes, exactly.
Oh, come over here and give me a kiss on...
The Ring?
There you go, thank you.
Can I have a plastic bag?
They're 5p.
5p?!
5p for a plastic bag?! I ain't paying that, it's a rip off.
Are you sure? You've got quite a lot of stuff there.
Yeah, don't need one!
Sure you don't want a bag? It's only 5p.
SQUELCH
CAMERAS CLICK
5p!
I know, it's a rip off.
APPLAUSE
I have a Gaz here to see you.
Oh, no, no, no, tell him I'm out, tell him I've gone for the day.
- Oi, oi, oi! - Hello.
Nice to finally meet you.
Thank you for all your letters and...
drawings.
I done a film idea, ain't I?
Well, I always love hearing a new idea.
So, take it away.
It's a kiddies' film, one of them Harry Potters.
Oh, is JK Rowling involved?
No, he's not in it.
OK, well, do you have a title?
Harry Potters And The Punch Up In The Pub Car Park.
Thanks for coming in.
So, Harry Potters has given up all his magic malarkey
and he's just having a quiet drink
with the missus down his local Wetherspoons.
Wetherspoons?
Yeah, it's like a posh O'Neill's.
And then he's coming back from the bar with a couple of pints,
a bag of pork scratchings,
and a packet of fags for his missus cos it's her birthday,
and then this geezer barges into him,
and he spills beer all down Harry Potters' trackie bottoms
and Harry Potters does his catchphrase,
"Who the shit did that?!"
That's not his catchphrase, he doesn't have a catchphrase.
Yeah, he does! He does it in all his films.
"Who the shit did that?! Was it Voldemorts?"
And then, Harry Potters turns around
and who is it?
Only James bloody Bonds!
James Bond?
Yeah, he's in it, keep up.
But James Bonds just ignores Potters
and he goes over to the bar and he does his catchphrase,
"Hey, mate, I'll have a packet of cheese and onion crisps, please,
"shaken, not stirred."
That's not his catchphrase either.
Yes, it is! He does it in his film!
And then Potter goes up to Bond and goes,
"Oi! Do you want my mate to give you a slap?!"
And Bond goes, "I don't care, I bet your mate is a big girl and all."
And then who should come out of the bogs?
Supermans!
We could never do a film with Harry Potter, James Bond AND Superman.
All right, then, Batmans.
Batmans comes out of the bogs,
he flaps his cape and he goes, "Oof, I'd give that a minute."
"I've done a really big batshit in there."
And then Batmans clocks what's going on between Potters and Bonds,
and he goes up to Bonds and he goes,
"Hey, I'll tell you what you are, mate, a prick."
And Bond goes, "I'm not a prick."
I think I've heard enough.
And then the landlord, who is Gandalf...
You know, from X Men? He goes,
"Batmans, Bonds, ye shall take this outside."
But as soon as they're out in the pub car park,
Batmans kicks Bonds in the nuts and Bonds goes,
"Oi! That is bang out of order, mate!"
And Bonds' bird's there, who's Mary Poppins,
and she is whacking Batmans over the head with her handbag,
going, "Get off him, Batmans, you fat bastard!"
I really need to wrap this up now.
No, no, no, this is the really good bit.
Batmans and Bonds have this massive ruck in the pub car park
and then, who should poke his head out of the window
of the flat above the pub?
Chewbaccas.
Chewbacca's in it?
Oh, yeah, from Star Trek! Keep up!
And then they all pile in.
Hannibal Lecters, the Hulk, Kermit the Frog, Forrest Gump, Han Solo,
Indiana Jones, AND his sister Bridget Jones.
And Bridget Jones, she does her catchphrase,
"Oh, no! I done it with two geezers and now I've up the duff!"
And then, the bloke from 50 Shades Of Grey,
he pokes his head out of this Fiat Uno,
and he goes, "Oi, stop rocking my mum's car,
"I've got some kinky bird in here and she's giving me a hand shandy."
You see her hand go up and down, but you don't see his old fella,
cos it's a kiddies' film and that would be wrong.
And everyone's fighting,
and then, for no reason, they all look up,
and across the car park,
just past the recycling bins, they see...
they see the giant head of the Statue of Liberties,
and Harry Potters goes to his knees in the sand
and goes, "Oh, no!
"We're in the Planet of Apes!
"Who the shit did that?!"
Opening titles.
Please, stop talking.
I'm glad you said it, actually, because I've got to catch a bus.
I'll come back and tell you the rest of the idea tomorrow.
Oh, by the way,
it's a trilogy. That means five films.
See you tomorrow!
APPLAUSE
You can tell Steve I've finished the accounts.
I'll see you in the morning.
Goodnight, Brenda.
Ow. My feelings.
My line manager has been calling me Brenda for three years,
even though my name is Glenda.
I called Hurt Feelings Direct
and they got me £100 compensation.
Have you had your feelings hurt
in a work place accident?
Have you been emotionally bruised
in the office,
and it wasn't your fault?
Then call...
Hurt Feelings Direct.
On my birthday,
three different people in the office signed my card with Get Well Soon.
And I brought in a cake, and no-one said "Thank you."
I locked myself in the disabled toilets
and cried for 20 minutes.
Hurt Feelings Direct got me £50.
Why should only manual labourers get cash
when they suffer in the work place?
Our experts are standing by
to testify that your hurt feelings are just as painful
as something like getting acid in your eyes,
or catching your nuts in some bricks.
I tried to get Gangnam Style started at the office Christmas party,
and no-one joined in.
So I danced on my own,
and it was faintly embarrassing.
Hurt Feelings Direct got me £47,000.
I overheard my boss calling me "boring."
Call Hurt Feelings Direct to speak to one of our operators,
who are specially trained to listen to your story
and not say, "Grow up and stop whingeing, you pathetic wimp."
ALL: Hurt Feelings Direct.
Direct.
You. You were too slow.
Great choice of car, madam.
And it's yours for just £12,000.
- That's not too bad. - There are a few...optional extras.
- I'm fine, thank you. - Well, let me just take you through them,
see if any take your fancy. Obviously, they are all optional.
- OK. - Sun roof?
- How much is that? - £200?
- Nah. - Nah, we don't need a sun roof.
Sat-nav, £400?
Nah, I'm fine.
Tyres?
- Sorry? - Would you like tyres?
Or are you the kind of driver who prefers to have sparks
flying out from underneath your car as it screeches along the motorway?
No! Of course I want tyres!
How many?
Four?
- £500. - Could be worse.
Each.
It is worse.
Car battery.
- What? - Are you planning to turn the car on and off?
Well, yes, obviously I want a car battery.
Fantastic, £700.
Petrol tank?
Well, you can't get anywhere without a petrol tank.
- Yes, you can. - How?
You could roll the car down a hill.
How would I get back up the hill?
That's why we would recommend the petrol tank.
All right, then.
Fantastic, £1,200.
- Are we done? - Pretty much, yeah!
Oh, um, seats.
- What? - Do you prefer to stand up as you drive,
or would you like to sit down?
Sit, obviously!
That's £2,000.
Now, when you're driving along,
if someone was to run in front of the car,
would you prefer to stop or just plough on through?
I'd want to stop.
Then I'll put you down for some brakes.
£1,500.
You're going for quite a few extras here, madam.
Now, are you the kind of driver who enjoys wind and rain
and loose stones flying into your face as you drive, or...
I want a windscreen.
Course you do! That's £2,000.
So, with those optional extras,
the car now comes to...
£22,300.
That's a lot more.
Well, we could lose the brakes.
No, I'm not going to lose the brakes.
What do I do if I want to stop? Open the door and stick my foot out?
Oh, you want doors?
FAINT TRAFFIC NOISE AND BIRD CALLS
HE SIGHS
'Gillian Turner lives alone in Rotherham,
'and has an obsession with a certain well-known celebrity.'
He presents,
he sings,
he acts,
he dances...
..and he's got a great big forehead that covers half his face.
Who could it be but Antony David McPartlin OBE?
But Gillian has a surprising reaction
to Ant's on-screen partner,
Declan Donnelly.
And she's come up with a novel solution to liking only one half
of TV's favourite duo.
As Ant always stands on the left
and he who shall not be named always stands on the right...
..I Tippexed over the right-hand side of my telly.
It tends to work.
Gillian has the biggest collection of Ant and Dec memorabilia
outside of Newcastle.
Of course, I bought his autobiography.
But what I did was...
What I did was, before I read it,
I read it, I, like,
I blacked out every mention of...
Oh.
I missed one.
CHAIR CREAKS ITEMS CLATTER
This is what our children will look like.
Not just a fan of Ant McPartlin's TV work,
Gillian is also a huge fan of his music.
Ant's got a beautiful voice.
What I do...
whenever I listen to his songs,
I turn the volume down whenever "it" is singing.
# Psyche!
# Let's get ready, ready Let's get ready, ready
# Let's get, let's get
# Let's get ready, ready
# Let's get ready, ready Let's get ready, ready
# Let's get ready to rhumble!
# Straight up prooving...
# This track's booming...
# Watch us wreck the mic Watch us wreck the mic
# Watch...
# Let's get ready to rhumble! #
He actually sends me secret messages through blinking.
Whenever he's on the telly, I ask him a question. I say,
"Anthony David McPartlin, do you love me?"
And after a short pause...
..he'll blink.
And that blink means...
"Yes, Gillian McPartlin,
"I love you, too, and I want to be with you forever."
All we have to do is kill Dec.
Then I lick the television.
FOOTSTEPS
SLURPING
All right?
Yes.
You're Julie, right?
Yes.
I'm Phil.
All right?
Yes!
You found this place all right?
Yes.
It's all right, isn't it?
Yes.
You look different in your profile pic.
You didn't have your glasses on.
Yes.
Are you all right?
Yes.
Everything going all right?
Yes.
Work all right?
Yes.
Pets all right?
My cat died yesterday.
But apart from that, it's all right?
Yes.
Wine looks all right.
Yes.
Weather all right?
Yes.
Sometimes it's too hot or too cold,
but at the moment it's...
all right.
(Oh, thank God.)
You all right?
- Yes. - Everything in the restaurant all right?
- Yes. - Bloke in the kitchen all right?
Erm...
Yes.
Pets all right?
I don't have any pets.
Oh, she don't now, either, her cat died yesterday.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Nah, she's all right.
I'll be back in a moment to take your order.
Food looks all right.
Yes.
So I read on your profile that you used to be married.
How was that, all right?
He had an affair with my sister, and she fell pregnant.
Then he gambled away all my life savings,
and she moved in and he changed the locks on the house.
Every night when I go to bed I have to cry as quietly as possible
so as not to disturb my disabled mother,
with whom I share a bed.
But other than that, it was all right?
HE MAKES WHIRRING NOISE
FOUR BEEPS
WHIRRING
Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
WHIRRING
LOW WHIRRING
Welcome back to Middle Class Jeremy Kyle.
Our next guest has been with her husband for 43 years,
but their marriage is in tatters after his vile behaviour.
Let's bring him out.
BOOING
Go on, Margaret.
Tell us what this repulsive piece of excrement has done to you.
Well, we had our grandchildren over
for a cup of tea
and when I served up the biscuits,
I noticed they were a bit stale
because Oliver had left the lid
off the biscuit tin!
- AUDIENCE: - OOOOOOH!
Unbelievable!
You lazy, good for nothing, pathetic excuse for a man.
Did you ever stop to think
what would happen if you left the lid off the biscuits?
- May I just say... - Shut up! You've had your turn.
- No, I haven't. - I'm talking.
Do you want me to have you thrown off this show?
I'd welcome it.
Well, it's not going to happen.
You'd better shut it or I'll shove that walking stick
where the sun don't shine, got it, mate?
OHHHHHHH!
So, Margaret, what are you going to do?
Well, I'm not sure it's that big an issue.
I've got one word for you, Margaret.
Divorce the bastard.
What, over a tin of biscuits?
A leopard doesn't change its spots, love.
First, he leaves the lid off the biscuit tin.
Next, he'll be leaving the pickle jar open.
Before you know it, bang,
he's sleeping with hundreds of lap dancers.
Doesn't sound too bad.
I don't think Oliver meant to leave the lid off,
I just think he's getting forgetful.
Well, before the show...
..we sent Oliver here off to do a lie detector test.
And the results are in. We asked him, are you forgetful?
Oliver replied,
"I can't remember."
And our lie detector said...
"Does not compute, system failure."
You've beaten the lie detector, you devious bastard.
Oh.
What are we talking about?
Oh, shut up!
I'm sick to the back teeth of you.
Get off my show!
Gladly.
Bring back Trisha!
SOBS
Oh...
WEEPING
That's all from us this week.
Bye.
I'll get the counsellor.
Why are people so mean?!
APPLAUSE