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Previously on Weeds.

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The puppies are coming of, Nanc'.

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After reconstructive surgery,

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you're gonna feel as good as new. Better!

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So Blanca, take all of the clothes. Go ahead.

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How are you set for furniture?

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You protect your dong and you swing it like your life depended on it.

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Nanc', you just have to make it look like you're running a bakery

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to legitimize your dealing.

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Who made me think I could run a bakery?

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Don't look at me, I'm fucked up on cornbread.

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I wrote a gangsta rap about killing Devon Rensler.

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He's got the whole school calling me Strange Botwin.

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You American dogs have 24 hours to leave our country or else...

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What am I gonna do with him?

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Hey, dude! What's you major?

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Are you in the freshman face book?

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What are you doing here?

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I'm taking the "create your own small business" seminar.

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That's alarming.

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Why aren't you teaching it?

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Are you kidding? Teachers make shit.

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I'm here to expand my client base.

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I stand at the back of the class and I say:

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"as an accountant, shouldn't you blah blah blah..."

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Stop it!

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Confuses the hell out of everyone.

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Finally, all the students, they just give up.

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And that's when I give them my business cards.

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Minimum 14 clients guaranteed.

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How genius is that?

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What are you taking?

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I'm taking a flyer.

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Silas needs a tutor.

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Should take ceramics.

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Get your fingers in some clay.

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That's very sensual, very Demi Moore.

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I'm certainly not taking your seminar.

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Smart move. All you gonna get in there is an earful of my bullshit.

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But with ceramics, you know, you can make a bowl.

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- I'll think about it.
- Cool.

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See you at the kegger!

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Hey!

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Who's this?

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This is Max.

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I can stick 6 quarters up my nose.

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Bullshit!

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We'll see.

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Connecticut.

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Massachusetts.

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And New Hampshire.

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I can't let you stick New England up your nose.

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You got lucky this time. What else you guys up to?

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Mom said we could play as long as we did our homework first.

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What homework?

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- Science.
- Science!

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They're still teaching science?

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I can help you with that.

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What do we got? What do we got...

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Yeah, this is new science. Okay, we're gonna forget this.

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I suck at science.

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But I'm good at life so I'll tell you what we're gonna do:

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we're gonna go online,

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we're gonna order the teachers' edition of your book.

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We can do that?

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Of course!

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Can we order sea monkeys too? I ate one once.

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Bullshit! What did it taste like?

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Lemonade.

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Okay, I'll give you that.

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Hi, mom.

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Hello, sweetheart. Where's dad?

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He's getting you a double double with extra cheese.

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Good man!

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Wanna flick some peas?

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Don't be scared mommy's fine.

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I'm not scared.

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Well then come over here and give me a kiss.

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You wanna watch some TV?

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Sure.

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And you know what?

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Later, I'll give you some money and we can go down the end of the hall

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and raid the vending machines.

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Okay, okay, okay. Listen up. Now...

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if you ever want to get laid, you gotta learn to cook at least one thing.

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Shane, go grab me those carrots.

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Okay, now, here is how you chop vegetables.

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Oh my God! Oh my God! My finger!

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Yeah, right?

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You also gotta learn at least one good joke.

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You guys try.

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Butter knives! Butter knives.

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Hi!

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Hey!

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I'm Max's mother, Eileen Dawn.

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I'm Max's new best friend, Andy Botwin. Come on in.

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- Hi.
- Hi.

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So you must be Shane favorite uncle.

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Yep, that's me.

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How did you get stuck playing daddy?

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Nancy's out

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and the maid went down to Tijuana to buy cheap synthetic hormones.

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- My eye!
- Max! What is it?

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What is it, honey?

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What should I do with his eye?

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You should eat it.

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That was no fun!

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Well, no, it's only fun until someone loses an eye.

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That's what you've been teaching them, huh?

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No wonder Shane loves you.

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Yeah, you know, teaching them how to cook.

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- We were making osso bucco.
- Osso bucco? I love osso bucco.

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Max and I were just gonna do drive-through.

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There's plenty for everyone.

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Can we stay for dinner?

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Well, that's up to uncle Andy.

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Uncle Andy says most definitely. Okay, great job, guys.

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Eileen and I are gonna finish up here.

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Okay, cool. Let's go to my room.

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So good to see Max finally find a friend.

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Yeah. So, you're a single mom, huh?

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Yeah, sort of.

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Sort of?

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Yeah, just going through sort of a rough patch.

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Trial separation.

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I'm really sorry to hear that.

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Must get pretty lonely around here. You know, all these

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hermetically sealed houses,

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chemically treated lawns.

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Yeah, it's all about the kids.
My friends, they're...

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You know what? The truth is...

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I don't have any friends, they're just my neighbors.

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I'm completely out of touch, you know.

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I wake up to a blank slate.

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I don't plan anything.

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It just happens...

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and I run with it.

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We got an hour.

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Oh no! You're gonna get it for that!

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Isabel!

141
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My little sweetheart!

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Gram Pat!

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Here I am! All the way from Florida.

144
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It's much cleaner there.

145
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So, how are you?

146
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Oh, just...

147
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What have you done with your hair?

148
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Nothing, just...

149
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wearing it loose.

150
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Oh no, sweetheart. That's a mistake.

151
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If you had hair from my side of the family, it would be fine

152
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but you have the Jew hair from your father's side.

153
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So, wear it back until you're old enough to get it straightened.

154
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Mother?

155
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Yes, sweetheart. I'm here.

156
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Mom.

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I'm going to the vending machines.

158
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What vending machines?

159
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Neither of you need anything from a vending machine.

160
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What are you doing here?

161
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You're sick. You're my little girl.

162
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How would it look if I didn't come?

163
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My whole church group is praying for you.

164
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Even Mr. Daniels. The cripple.

165
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Where's Dean? Have you seen Dean?

166
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Has he left you?

167
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Yes, he went to get me a cheeseburger.

168
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A greasy cheeseburger? Now that is what I call passive aggressive behavior.

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Spouses of cancer victims often act out

170
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because they're not getting all the attention.

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Mother...

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Yes, dear.

173
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It's thoughtful of you to come.

174
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Okay. What percentage of 75 is 12?

175
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8%? 12%? 16%? 18% or 20%?

176
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I can't do this anymore.

177
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My brain is like totally fried.

178
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What?

179
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What underwear was I wearing last Thursday?

180
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Powerpuff Girls.

181
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You got that right.

182
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What?

183
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What did he say?

184
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How do you know how to do that?

185
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Hey, guys.

186
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Hi. Mrs. Botwin,

187
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Silas and I are through for the hour.

188
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How did it go?

189
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He's gonna do great.

190
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Thank you, Sanjay.

191
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Let me get my wallet.

192
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Thanks, Sanjay.

193
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Oh huh...

194
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Bye...

195
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Me... gan.

196
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What is this?

197
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Some kind of conspiracy?

198
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I looked up a few things.

199
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Mrs. Botwin,

200
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if you know anyone else who needs a tutor

201
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or has any work actually, I'd really appreciate it.

202
00:11:24,738 --> 00:11:26,822
I'm paying my way through school.

203
00:11:26,925 --> 00:11:29,111
What's a smart guy like you doing at Valley State?

204
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I'm a highly intelligent underachiever with debt.

205
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It's all about the Benjamins, Mrs. Botwin.

206
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I'm very nervous.

207
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I spit up some vomit and swallowed it.

208
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Just breathe.

209
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Think about the Benjamins.

210
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I'm starting to feel better already.

211
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Here you go.

212
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Whose the fuck mom are you?

213
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Not yours.

214
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Because if I were,

215
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I would have taught you how to treat a stranger bearing gifts.

216
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- Gifts?
- Gifts.

217
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You want more where that came from,

218
00:12:38,667 --> 00:12:40,991
find my man Sanjay.

219
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Hi.

220
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He's got the hook-up.

221
00:12:46,776 --> 00:12:48,382
Have a nice day, kids.

222
00:12:48,855 --> 00:12:49,980
Party on.

223
00:12:50,646 --> 00:12:52,460
Remember to brush your teeth.

224
00:12:52,607 --> 00:12:54,000
Do your homework.

225
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Nice mom ass.

226
00:13:06,697 --> 00:13:09,322
- Oh God!
- I wanna bite you!

227
00:13:09,407 --> 00:13:11,061
- Yeah?
- Everywhere?

228
00:13:11,877 --> 00:13:13,232
Oh God!

229
00:13:14,428 --> 00:13:16,700
Oh my God!

230
00:13:18,765 --> 00:13:21,371
Okay, okay, okay. Excuse me!

231
00:13:21,547 --> 00:13:22,493
Oh no!

232
00:13:26,556 --> 00:13:29,840
Delivery for huh... Professor Shane Botwin.

233
00:13:30,857 --> 00:13:33,840
He's grading papers right now.

234
00:13:33,878 --> 00:13:35,251
I'll sign for him.

235
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Can you guys ship a whole body?

236
00:13:40,848 --> 00:13:42,110
We ship anything, kid.

237
00:13:44,127 --> 00:13:45,371
Cool!

238
00:13:50,787 --> 00:13:51,771
God!!!

239
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Hey, Nanc'! You just missed the dynamic duo.

240
00:14:00,987 --> 00:14:03,460
I'm so glad Shane and Max are playing together so well.

241
00:14:03,648 --> 00:14:04,653
Hmm hmm.

242
00:14:05,858 --> 00:14:07,432
Thanks for lending a hand.

243
00:14:07,658 --> 00:14:09,883
Sister, I've lent you a hand, a neck,

244
00:14:10,027 --> 00:14:13,702
some other parts I don't feel comfortable talking about.

245
00:14:14,626 --> 00:14:16,011
What's that?

246
00:14:16,156 --> 00:14:18,093
Let me put it this way.

247
00:14:18,428 --> 00:14:23,493
If Eileen ever dies in a plane crash, I have her dental records.

248
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- Andy...
- That woman is a werewolf.

249
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My son finally gets a friend and you go

250
00:14:30,806 --> 00:14:32,271
and fuck his mother.

251
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Actually, she came onto me.

252
00:14:34,167 --> 00:14:35,591
Let's guess how this is gonna turn out:

253
00:14:35,685 --> 00:14:36,861
you're gonna get bored and dump her

254
00:14:36,965 --> 00:14:38,920
and she's never gonna let her kid near this house again.

255
00:14:39,006 --> 00:14:41,233
This will not happen. This cannot happen.

256
00:14:41,358 --> 00:14:43,610
You are gonna continue to fuck the biter

257
00:14:43,716 --> 00:14:45,891
until Shane and Max apply to separate colleges

258
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or you run out of soft tissue, whichever happens first.

259
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- But I...
- You made your bed now fuck in it.

260
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I just feel so helpless.

261
00:14:55,688 --> 00:14:57,203
Why do you do this to me?

262
00:14:57,386 --> 00:14:59,281
You've never let anything go.

263
00:14:59,807 --> 00:15:01,371
You're still blaming me for whatever it is

264
00:15:01,457 --> 00:15:04,200
children make up to blame their parents for!

265
00:15:04,298 --> 00:15:06,101
I don't blame you for anything!

266
00:15:06,286 --> 00:15:08,940
But your cancer comes from somewhere!

267
00:15:09,056 --> 00:15:12,233
Yes, from an irregular cell on a mission.

268
00:15:13,027 --> 00:15:14,252
In a weird way,

269
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this cancer has almost been a blessing.

270
00:15:22,216 --> 00:15:23,152
Hello?

271
00:15:23,437 --> 00:15:26,101
Hello, pastor Williams.

272
00:15:26,667 --> 00:15:28,891
No. No, she's not good.

273
00:15:29,005 --> 00:15:31,411
She just called her cancer a blessing.

274
00:15:32,957 --> 00:15:34,953
No, I won't be here that long.

275
00:15:35,067 --> 00:15:37,783
Of course, I'll make the church cruise.

276
00:15:37,895 --> 00:15:38,943
Bless you.

277
00:15:40,945 --> 00:15:44,560
Well, I hope my strength helps her too.

278
00:15:52,096 --> 00:15:54,952
I need an ounce of Electric Haze, Big Bud,

279
00:15:55,126 --> 00:15:58,441
Grape Crush, White Russian, Blue Rhino,...

280
00:15:58,585 --> 00:16:00,721
Wow! Slow down!

281
00:16:00,967 --> 00:16:03,333
You're ordering enough for a Snoop Dogg pool party.

282
00:16:03,575 --> 00:16:04,563
What's going on?

283
00:16:04,655 --> 00:16:05,741
I'm expanding.

284
00:16:05,908 --> 00:16:07,211
All new territory.

285
00:16:07,468 --> 00:16:08,640
You can handle that?

286
00:16:09,195 --> 00:16:10,423
I've got it under control.

287
00:16:12,756 --> 00:16:13,983
Hey, Sanjay.

288
00:16:14,467 --> 00:16:15,540
Calm down.

289
00:16:16,337 --> 00:16:18,283
How many orders on your cell phone?

290
00:16:18,506 --> 00:16:19,873
67!

291
00:16:21,577 --> 00:16:23,953
No, we handle this, this is a good thing.

292
00:16:24,606 --> 00:16:26,583
No, I'm at my dealer's house right now.

293
00:16:27,286 --> 00:16:28,853
Shit! No, you didn't!

294
00:16:28,945 --> 00:16:29,851
Why did you do that for?

295
00:16:29,937 --> 00:16:31,881
You compromize my business like that again,

296
00:16:31,975 --> 00:16:33,633
I will fuck you up! You hear me?

297
00:16:33,756 --> 00:16:35,911
No, don't fuck me up.

298
00:16:36,256 --> 00:16:37,830
We're about to make a lot of money.

299
00:16:38,057 --> 00:16:41,762
I'm cornering the college market at Valley State. Wee!

300
00:16:41,808 --> 00:16:42,793
Lord, have mercy.

301
00:16:42,936 --> 00:16:44,370
Sit your ass down.

302
00:16:44,788 --> 00:16:45,792
Come on, sit down.

303
00:16:48,535 --> 00:16:51,911
Now, if we're gonna stay in business together, you gotta learn some rules.

304
00:16:52,005 --> 00:16:54,773
No talking on your cell phone in my house.

305
00:16:54,855 --> 00:16:57,521
That shit will get us popped. You think that's smart?

306
00:16:57,847 --> 00:16:59,703
- No.
- Damn right, it's not.

307
00:16:59,856 --> 00:17:02,362
The whole world don't need to know you got the hook up.

308
00:17:02,456 --> 00:17:05,930
Or you're gonna be talking to your kids through a cage. You feel me?

309
00:17:09,996 --> 00:17:11,180
I feel you.

310
00:17:12,196 --> 00:17:13,950
It's like a pyramid, baby.

311
00:17:14,085 --> 00:17:15,861
You want to be at the top.

312
00:17:16,038 --> 00:17:17,530
You got people beneath you,

313
00:17:17,627 --> 00:17:19,393
and they got people beneath them.

314
00:17:19,475 --> 00:17:20,291
Soldiers.

315
00:17:20,438 --> 00:17:22,650
Those soldiers do not know you.

316
00:17:23,026 --> 00:17:25,491
And they damn well better not know me.

317
00:17:26,165 --> 00:17:30,411
And get yourself some disposable cell phones. You hear me?

318
00:17:30,438 --> 00:17:31,533
I hear you.

319
00:17:32,995 --> 00:17:35,942
- You hear me?
- I hear you.

320
00:17:35,415 --> 00:17:36,171
I do.

321
00:17:37,597 --> 00:17:40,710
Leave your order, come back later.

322
00:17:46,865 --> 00:17:51,582
Every time I leave here, I feel like such an asshole.

323
00:17:54,207 --> 00:17:56,211
Only deal with people you know.

324
00:17:56,526 --> 00:17:57,612
Don't take...

325
00:17:59,217 --> 00:18:00,763
...unnecessary risks.

326
00:18:00,906 --> 00:18:02,231
Always get paid in cash.

327
00:18:02,375 --> 00:18:03,242
No credit.

328
00:18:03,367 --> 00:18:04,540
No "I owe you".

329
00:18:04,687 --> 00:18:06,503
No "I'll pay you Tuesday".

330
00:18:06,676 --> 00:18:09,102
They've got the cash, they get the stash.

331
00:18:09,708 --> 00:18:11,603
Here are your cell phones.

332
00:18:11,748 --> 00:18:12,942
Never dial out.

333
00:18:13,117 --> 00:18:14,632
Only receive calls.

334
00:18:15,046 --> 00:18:18,472
Mestab, Anya, Chahid.

335
00:18:18,556 --> 00:18:20,311
In two weeks, you dump them.

336
00:18:21,348 --> 00:18:25,051
Everybody remember: be careful out there.

337
00:18:46,528 --> 00:18:47,482
Slap my ass.

338
00:18:48,126 --> 00:18:50,312
Slap my ass!

339
00:19:03,108 --> 00:19:03,873
Come on!

340
00:19:04,105 --> 00:19:05,001
Slap it!

341
00:19:18,856 --> 00:19:20,912
Holy crap!

342
00:19:21,635 --> 00:19:23,771
What the f... What is this?

343
00:19:24,526 --> 00:19:25,942
Who would do this?

344
00:19:27,538 --> 00:19:28,822
Pennies?

345
00:19:29,097 --> 00:19:29,991
This is cold.

346
00:19:30,176 --> 00:19:33,702
Cold? Try evil and fucked up.

347
00:19:34,266 --> 00:19:36,970
It's a commuter college, there's a lot of displaced anger here.

348
00:19:37,116 --> 00:19:39,822
Displaced on my car!

349
00:19:40,388 --> 00:19:46,633
Fucking community college losers!

350
00:19:46,725 --> 00:19:48,341
Hey! It's a state school.

351
00:19:48,437 --> 00:19:50,053
Shut up!

352
00:20:03,186 --> 00:20:05,372
Sweetheart, you don't need that.

353
00:20:06,637 --> 00:20:09,651
It hurts me to think you won't be getting asked to your prom...

354
00:20:10,008 --> 00:20:12,333
or wearing normal-sized clothes...

355
00:20:13,086 --> 00:20:15,511
because your parents aren't watching out for you.

356
00:20:15,736 --> 00:20:16,822
Look at this house!

357
00:20:17,058 --> 00:20:18,800
You're growing up like a gipsy!

358
00:20:19,037 --> 00:20:20,662
Your mother gives away furniture.

359
00:20:20,748 --> 00:20:23,550
And your father isn't man enough to stop her.

360
00:20:23,705 --> 00:20:24,881
Enough!

361
00:20:25,586 --> 00:20:26,530
What did I do?

362
00:20:26,615 --> 00:20:27,653
Stop picking on her.

363
00:20:27,857 --> 00:20:29,073
Yeah, we're tired of you

364
00:20:29,188 --> 00:20:32,060
working out your psychotic bullshit on the family.

365
00:20:32,198 --> 00:20:32,941
Me?

366
00:20:33,418 --> 00:20:34,491
Psychotic.

367
00:20:35,115 --> 00:20:38,150
You used to open the back of the scale with a butter knife

368
00:20:38,276 --> 00:20:40,811
and pull out the springs before I weighed you.

369
00:20:40,955 --> 00:20:44,592
I went through two dozens scales before I figured it out.

370
00:20:44,786 --> 00:20:45,730
You did that?

371
00:20:45,875 --> 00:20:47,520
Yeah, I used to drive your grandmother crazy

372
00:20:47,865 --> 00:20:49,193
because she's cheap.

373
00:20:49,288 --> 00:20:52,042
You've never appreciated my good nature.

374
00:20:52,188 --> 00:20:53,662
Unlike Mr. Daniels.

375
00:20:53,755 --> 00:20:54,471
The cripple.

376
00:20:54,557 --> 00:20:55,830
How dare you?

377
00:20:56,016 --> 00:20:59,180
Mr. Daniels adores and cherishes me

378
00:20:59,205 --> 00:21:01,791
even with his unusually large head.

379
00:21:02,738 --> 00:21:04,251
I have nothing more to say.

380
00:21:04,338 --> 00:21:05,280
Finally.

381
00:21:07,415 --> 00:21:09,723
I'm going for my power walk now.

382
00:21:09,878 --> 00:21:13,203
I suppose none of you wants to join me in with this sensible,

383
00:21:13,357 --> 00:21:15,451
healthy activity, huh?

384
00:21:24,856 --> 00:21:26,010
Best friends for life!

385
00:21:26,138 --> 00:21:28,220
Yeah! Best friends for life!

386
00:21:42,487 --> 00:21:43,571
It's okay.

387
00:21:44,806 --> 00:21:46,411
It'll be our little secret.

388
00:21:49,338 --> 00:21:51,640
This has never happened to me before.

389
00:21:53,117 --> 00:21:54,441
It's not okay.

390
00:21:55,987 --> 00:21:57,752
It's probably for the best.

391
00:21:58,418 --> 00:22:00,210
I was getting bored.

392
00:22:02,406 --> 00:22:03,913
I mean...

393
00:22:04,378 --> 00:22:07,271
It was fun and it was great.

394
00:22:07,328 --> 00:22:10,943
I mean, gosh, thanks for everything, Andy.

395
00:22:11,598 --> 00:22:12,700
It's not okay.

396
00:22:13,506 --> 00:22:16,380
Oh and please promise me you won't say anything to Nancy.

397
00:22:16,858 --> 00:22:19,702
I wouldn't want anything that happened between us to affect the boys' friendship.

398
00:22:19,805 --> 00:22:21,751
Shane and Max really click.

399
00:22:28,815 --> 00:22:30,251
It's not okay.

400
00:22:32,055 --> 00:22:33,101
Who you pissed off?

401
00:22:33,346 --> 00:22:34,032
What?

402
00:22:34,596 --> 00:22:36,210
Nobody. It was just kids.

403
00:22:36,748 --> 00:22:38,333
Somebody mad at you girl.

404
00:22:39,138 --> 00:22:40,692
What you going on about, Conrad?

405
00:22:41,027 --> 00:22:42,972
Somebody pennied that girl's ride.

406
00:22:43,068 --> 00:22:44,031
Hell!

407
00:22:44,056 --> 00:22:45,510
Here goes my collateral.

408
00:22:45,625 --> 00:22:49,721
No. Nobody. It was just kids at Valley State playing a prank.

409
00:22:49,797 --> 00:22:51,353
No, someone's hating.

410
00:22:51,426 --> 00:22:52,652
You better slow your roll.

411
00:22:52,848 --> 00:22:55,552
You pissed off somebody. Probably another dealer.

412
00:22:55,648 --> 00:22:57,401
No, no, everything's going really well.

413
00:22:57,528 --> 00:23:00,523
I'm outsourcing to build my pyramid.

414
00:23:00,605 --> 00:23:04,111
Took the Egyptians centuries to build theirs.

415
00:23:05,786 --> 00:23:07,220
I appreciate your concern.

416
00:23:07,348 --> 00:23:08,833
Everything's going fine.

417
00:23:12,627 --> 00:23:14,673
That girl's got too much hubris.

418
00:24:28,878 --> 00:24:31,572
This is so not okay.

419
00:24:35,607 --> 00:24:36,602
Hey, sweety.

420
00:24:37,757 --> 00:24:38,501
Hi!

421
00:24:39,708 --> 00:24:43,132
Look mom! I've got a 98 on my science test.

422
00:24:43,216 --> 00:24:46,481
That's great, sweety. Did you show your uncle Andy?

423
00:24:46,578 --> 00:24:47,390
No.

424
00:24:51,395 --> 00:24:52,831
Good job!

425
00:24:53,146 --> 00:24:56,023
I made two wrong just like you said.

426
00:24:56,118 --> 00:24:57,600
Just to make it look real.

427
00:24:57,677 --> 00:25:00,200
Stick with me, kid, you'll be going to Berkeley.

428
00:25:09,278 --> 00:25:11,522
I heard about your little problem.

429
00:25:13,285 --> 00:25:16,913
Don't worry. I'm sure it was just a one-time thing.

430
00:25:19,415 --> 00:25:20,843
Although...

431
00:25:21,446 --> 00:25:23,860
sometimes...

432
00:25:24,475 --> 00:25:28,812
these little problems can last a long time.

433
00:25:30,646 --> 00:25:35,072
Anyway, thanks for taking one for the team.

434
00:26:12,405 --> 00:26:15,872
Transcript/Synchro: Travis
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