Previously on Weeds...
I've been shot.
Are we sure this is the way to the hospital?
We ain't going to no hospital. We got our own guy... Dr. Tupelo.
Dumb name will know my wrath... The wrath of Doug.
What kind of man tears a cross off the roof of a church?
An impressive one, I'm guessing. That's a big fucking cross.
I need to rent your empty house. We need a grow house.
- How did that cross get in there? - Doug snuck it in on Sanjay's shift.
I'm thinking of opening up another supply line.
There's this biker chick that Andy wants to fuck and a guy named Chess.
Let me show you what I got for you.
You're gonna be a loyal customer.
This weed sucks.
This is inferior product.
I don't think our business arrangement's gonna work out.
And why is that?
My customers don't seem to like your product.
You weigh the pros and the cons, and I'll be in touch.
Three guys on motorcycles pulled me out of the car,
they said they're coming after you. They're coming after all of us.
How many motorcycles in Pittsburgh? I don't know. I need to look it up.
- Who are you talking to? - Dad.
Weeds - Season 3 Episode 14 Protection
Transcript : YDY
Synchro : Michvanilly / Macanto / San-A / [dx]
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We've got to hit them back.
No way we can let them get away with this shit.
Okay, calm down.
Let's get you looked at first.
- How's that arm doing? - Hurts like shit.
Well, try not to move it so much.
- Either of you armed? - Broken-armed.
I'm going to need a $500 cash deposit.
We only accept american currency, and we no longer barter.
Good ol'american green.
Dr. Tupelo will see you now.
- He's gonna be fine, right? - How much can you move the arm?
Not broken.
And the head wound... it looks a lot worse than it is.
Don't you want to X-ray him or something?
Ma'am, if you'd like a second opinion, I could call my buddy over at cedars.
He'll order up an MRI, it'll run you at least 10 grand,
and he'll tell you the same thing.
System's broke, my friend. I'm working outside of it.
I hear you.
How can we call ourselves a first-world country when we can't even provide basic
healthcare for our criminals?
How deep is that cut?
Six or seven stitches.
And I'm out of Demerol. I'm gonna give you a topical.
A topical? Are you kidding me?
Your boy looks like a tough young man. He can handle it.
I'm fine.
Just do it.
Now I remember you.
You came in with U-Turn and Marvin.
I might have.
Took me forever to find that tiny,
little bullet in the middle of that big, fat ass.
Charged him double.
Well, I'm hoping for a discount since we're foregoing the painkillers.
Still got to charge you for parts and labor, honey.
Any chance you're a shrink, too?
- Is Judah here right now? - Yeah.
- Where is he? - Behind you.
I don't know why I just did that.
- Because he's behind you. - I don't see him.
He sees you.
Did you catch "The Sixth Sense" on cable?
Do you see dead people?
Am I dead?
- No, you're alive. - Okay.
What?
I didn't say anything.
- You tell him. - Tell who?
Dad wants to say something to you.
What?
Why don't you answer him?
- Answer who? - Dad.
Shane, if you're putting us on,
I give you all the credit in the world for fully committing to this.
Kudos. All right. Bravo.
Answer Dad.
Fine, what's he saying?
He wants to know why you let Mom down,
why you didn't take better care of all of us.
That's bullshit.
There must be a million ways we can get those assholes.
I have no muscle.
I have no army.
I'm in heels, for Christ's sake.
What the hell does that mean?
Shane's not pretending.
He actually thinks he's talking to Judah. It's very Stephen King.
- Where is he now? - He's upstairs with Judah.
And after hearing what Judah's been saying to him,
I'm starting to think he might actually be communicating with the other side.
Weird things happen when these Santa Ana winds start blowing.
No.
Andy, help me out here. What the hell am I gonna do with Shane?
Take him to a shrink. Should have done it years ago, he's fucking nuts.
Go put ice on your bruises like Dr. Tupelo told you to.
Taking him to a shrink isn't a bad idea.
Oh, no?
What if he starts talking about what his mommy does for a living?
We just tell him to lie.
Wait, I guess that defeats the purpose.
Why does everything have to blow up simultaneously? It's not fair.
Things could be worse. You could be pregnant.
- Bite your motherfucking tongue. - Relax. How could you be pregnant?
It's not like you're getting any.
- Or are you? - Shut up.
- Are you? - Shut up.
- Are you? - Quit it.
Are you?
Thank you.
Hi, there.
I'd like to make a deposit.
$15,000?
It's been a good month.
Fill these out. Bring them back.
What are they for?
One's for the IRS, which demands we report any deposit over $10,000 in cash.
The other's for the bank. We like to keep internal records
of any deposit in cash over $5,000.
I'm not sure...
I counted right.
Thank you.
Oh, my slip.
Hello?
Sullivan Groff speaking.
If you ever want to see your cross again,
you better listen to me and do the right thing.
- Who is this? - It doesn't matter.
What matters is that you make right on all the promises you made
to certain people, certain very important people.
Wilson...
You piece of shit.
Shit.
Fucking radio barn!
Shit.
Of course.
We done planting, and rent ain't due for another couple of weeks,
so what you doing here?
I need to know what you do with all of your drug money.
I never realized how useless cash is...
Can't deposit it in the bank, can't pay my bills with it,
and my family is not going to get their hands on it.
Sorry, I ain't training another white girl in the ways of the drug business.
Didn't turn out too good for me last time.
I'm your landlord,
and if I can't handle all of this cash,
there's just no incentive to rent to you.
Lord, help me.
Fine.
First off, you take out 20%, and you hide it...
Furniture cushions, floorboards, up your snatch if you got to.
Never know when you're gonna need it. No, trust me. It's your savings account.
Now, it don't earn no interest but
there's nothing like cold, hard cash when fate comes calling.
Okay, what about the other 80%?
Take the rest, and you start a company.
What kind of company?
You know what? Why don't you find yourself an accountant
that don't mind bending the rules
and let him take care of it for you?
You gonna leave me to my reading?
Do you ever get scared?
About anything in particular?
Getting caught.
Oh, no. You got to put that out your mind.
It's like flying.
Sure, the plane might crash,
but you got to get to where you're going fast.
So in the end, it's worth the risk.
We're gonna be friends.
Lord, help me.
What does he say to you?
He likes the way you wear your hair now.
He does?
But he's angry.
At who?
All of us.
- Oh yes, is he? - Yeah.
Well, tell him that's not fair.
You tell him.
- He's here. - Oh, Shane.
No,
he's not.
He's dead.
You saw him.
You were there.
Please, don't do this anymore.
It's making me really sad.
Why?
Don't you love him?
I'll always love the memory of him.
What?
He says he still loves you.
Shane, this is you talking, isn't it?
No, it's not.
Don't be mad at me.
I'm not mad.
I'm just scared.
She's mad.
Can I help you?
Hello, I'm Eve Meriweather.
Good for you.
I'm going door-to-door.
We're trying to mobilize the entire neighborhood
to keep an eye out for any suspicious behavior.
Suspicious behavior?
You haven't seen anything strange?
I can't say that I have.
Are you sure?
What is it I'm supposed to be looking out for?
Why our cross, of course.
- Someone stole your cross? - Yes.
That is a damn shame.
- Who would do something like that? - Jews.
Well, I haven't seen it.
Haven't seen many jews around here, either.
Well, they're mostly urban.
You're new here.
Just moved in.
Oh, and you must be the wife.
And you must be?
Eve Meriweather.
Well, look at him.
Hello, baby.
Why are little black babies always so adorable?
Why are white babies always so ugly?
Sense of humor.
Well, you know what, thank you for dropping by, and, yes,
if I see your cross, I will call the number.
See you all in church, I hope.
Sure. Church.
- Praise the Lord. - Hallelujah.
I hate white idiots.
White idiots named Doug.
Celia.
To what do I owe this horror?
All right, save it.
I'm here on business.
I need a slimy, crooked accountant with no scruples
who will do anything to make a buck, and unfortunately,
you're the only one I know.
What makes you think I would lift a finger to help you?
- How can I help you? - You can set up a dummy corporation
for me to funnel cash through.
You did it for Nancy.
I like Nancy.
Yeah, everybody likes Nancy. Everybody hates Celia.
Time for everyone to come up with a new narrative.
- We like the old narrative. Felt right - Tough.
I'm not on the outside anymore.
I am part of this operation,
whether anyone likes it or not,
and I intend to get my fair share.
What?
I really want to have sex with you right now.
You do?
I guess I must have some sort of a castrating bitch fetish.
Yeah?
I'm really hard.
Feel.
Don't waste it on me.
I'd sooner lose a leg than suck your dick again.
Set up the corporation fast.
I have major bills to pay.
You are working for me now.
How about "Ball Busters, inc"?
Yeah, whatever. Work it out, bitch.
What are we waiting for?
Where did you get this?
Conrad had it at the grow house.
Does he know you took it?
No.
We can't just stand around and do nothing.
They'll just hit us again.
Let me worry about it.
You're not the one that got the shit beat out of them.
You're right, I wasn't.
I'm also not going up against an army of drug-dealing bikers
with a 17-year-old boy,
a flamboyant hindi queen,
and a 4-foot-tall Jesus-loving
pixie as my posse.
So what do we do, then?
They won't let us deal. We can't sell their shitty ditch weed.
We're out of options.
I'll think of something.
You better do it fast, because the next crop of MILF is almost ready.
Don't you have other things to do? Go to the mall or something...
- Be normal? - Like it or not,
this is a family business now.
Then let the head of the family worry about it.
The head of the family's dead.
At least that isn't my fault.
Chess is mad, and when he's mad, he does stupid things.
Beating the shit out of a defenseless teenage kid is psycho.
Unfortunately, there's not much I can do to stop him, never has been.
Then what the hell am I doing here? I never wash my van.
- You're here because of me. - No, no, no, no.
This Romeo and Juliet shit isn't working for me...
Not if there isn't anything you can do to stop him.
I tried.
- I really did. - You tell your brother,
if he ever touches anyone in my family again, I will kill him.
Okay, maybe don't pass that message along,
but just know in your heart, his behavior is unacceptable.
- Call me? - Yeah, maybe.
You here for a date?
No.
No date.
- I need help. - You try home depot?
Plenty of Mexicans there that can help you.
Not that kind of help.
I'm being shaken down by some bikers in the hills.
- Yeah? I know them. - You know them?
Señorita, I know everybody who tries to peddle shit in sunny L.A.
And I mean shit. They grow garbage.
- They are garbage. - They beat up my son.
They're threatening me. So what do you want from me?
Protection.
And what do I get in return for this protection?
My undying gratitude?
How about in return, we're partners?
- What kind of partners? - 50/50 partners.
- Half? - Of everything.
Can I think about it and get back to you?
No, you cannot. Yes or no.
Deal or no deal. Ahora.
What kind of protection would I get for half of everything?
You get total protection.
No more shakedowns.
Anyone fucks with you, they fuck with me.
When they go down, they go down hard.
- Fine. - Good.
You don't got to worry about those biker pendejos anymore.
- I'll take care of them. - What are you gonna do?
Don't you worry, chelita.
- What if they come after me? - They ain't gonna come after you.
They're gonna be thanking Jesus Cristo that they're still breathing.
Then they're gonna get on those ridiculous maricónbikes they ride,
and head to Canada.
Then word's gonna spread that you're being protecting by me,
and that's gonna allow you to conduct your business in peace.
- I could use a little peace. - You'll have it.
And you tell your son,
no one is ever gonna mess with him again.
I believe this belongs to you.
You might want to try and hide it a little better next time.
- How you get it? - Silas took it.
He wanted me to use it to blow the bikers away.
Like your hero U-Turn? Silas got a tattoo on his ass, too?
Will you let that go already?
Jealous Conrad. So not sexy.
Should I be carrying this on me? What's going on with said bikers?
It's taken care of.
- I went and bought some protection. - From who?
- Guillermo. - So we working for Guillermo now?
God damn, girl!
You realize you're just trading one gangster for another?
Yes. I also realize that I have no choice.
These things are gonna keep happening to me.
If I don't have any muscle behind me, I won't be able to do my business.
Like it or not, I'm... a drug dealer.
Say it out loud. I'm a fucking drug dealer.
- How much he asks? - Half.
Half?
I let my son be a part of this, and I couldn't protect him.
It was my fault.
I did what I had to do to protect my family.
- And who protects us from Guillermo? - I can handle Guillermo.
How, by fucking him?
That is so not fair.
It's just that we in this together now.
You...
and me.
And your boy Guillermo.
Ain't this the fucking shit?
The two garys did some flyovers with the thermal-imaging camera,
- brought back some sweet shots. - Anything sexy?
Two meth labs.
If the patriot act had tits, I'd buy it a steak.
Wait, go back one.
Zoom in.
Closer.
- Who you calling? - Majestic.
I read an article in the paper about this cross of theirs that got stolen.
I think I just found it. Not our problem.
It's called moral duty.
- Where's your respect for the Lord? - Whose Lord we talking about? Not mine.
If you ask me, a cross that size is for a Lord with a tiny dick.
- What's going on? - Fire.
That's a big one.
- Where is it? - Here.
It started somewhere in the foothills.
Then it jumped the highway, and now it's right here.
The Santa Ana winds aren't helping matters.
The fire department is issuing voluntary evacuation orders.
Denise just called, said the fire started in their grow field.
Someone torched it.
You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you?
- What are we gonna do? - Does that mean we have to leave?
- What about the grow house? - Nance, any ideas?
Shane, ask Judah if he has any suggestions.
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