1 00:00:02,160 --> 00:00:03,510 You're my father. 2 00:00:03,560 --> 00:00:05,110 Why didn't you use protection? 3 00:00:05,160 --> 00:00:07,550 It was the '70s, I liked to go in bareback. 4 00:00:07,600 --> 00:00:09,670 We could live our own lives and not in a palace 5 00:00:09,720 --> 00:00:11,790 but just in a castle or a normal stately home. 6 00:00:11,840 --> 00:00:15,350 Pippa, just so you know, you are pretty enough to be a prostitute. 7 00:00:15,400 --> 00:00:17,950 246 fights, 246 knock-outs. 8 00:00:18,000 --> 00:00:19,630 You see, I'm proud of being a gypsy. 9 00:00:19,680 --> 00:00:22,350 I just had the most brilliant idea for an online business. 10 00:00:22,400 --> 00:00:23,910 A dating app for aristocrats 11 00:00:23,960 --> 00:00:25,950 and the people that want to have sex with them. 12 00:00:26,000 --> 00:00:28,510 Pippa, I'd like you to meet my fiancee. 13 00:00:28,560 --> 00:00:30,070 I'm going to be king again. 14 00:00:30,120 --> 00:00:32,430 And you've just got the hang of the washing machine. 15 00:00:32,480 --> 00:00:34,110 Oh! 16 00:00:34,160 --> 00:00:38,160 The baby! 17 00:00:53,760 --> 00:00:57,750 - We love you, William! - Go! Drive! 18 00:00:57,800 --> 00:01:01,390 Well, that's the Germaine Greer Centre for Women's Studies opened. 19 00:01:01,440 --> 00:01:04,470 Oh, this is ridiculous! 20 00:01:04,520 --> 00:01:06,190 Is this all the royal family does? 21 00:01:06,240 --> 00:01:09,590 Oh, stop wh-wh-whining. 22 00:01:09,640 --> 00:01:11,630 George VI out of The King's Speech. 23 00:01:11,680 --> 00:01:13,070 And do you think I wanted to be king 24 00:01:13,120 --> 00:01:15,990 with this f-f-f-flipping speech impediment? 25 00:01:16,040 --> 00:01:18,550 - Well, no. - I bloody well got on with it. 26 00:01:18,600 --> 00:01:19,910 But I had plans, yeah? 27 00:01:19,960 --> 00:01:22,390 I wanted to be a helicopter pilot and then an estate agent. 28 00:01:22,440 --> 00:01:25,110 Lots of people can be pilots 29 00:01:25,160 --> 00:01:27,110 and literally anyone can be an estate agent, 30 00:01:27,160 --> 00:01:31,160 but only one man can ever be a k-king. 31 00:01:31,320 --> 00:01:33,550 But opening things seems so pointless. 32 00:01:33,600 --> 00:01:35,270 Well, then, find something else. 33 00:01:35,320 --> 00:01:38,470 Some part of royal life that's been left to rot 34 00:01:38,520 --> 00:01:41,790 and needs dragging into the 21st century. 35 00:01:41,840 --> 00:01:43,710 The Royal Variety Show. 36 00:01:43,760 --> 00:01:45,790 Exactly. 37 00:01:45,840 --> 00:01:47,630 But you have to toughen up! 38 00:01:47,680 --> 00:01:50,750 You're going to be a king, not Nick Grimshaw's sidekick. 39 00:01:50,800 --> 00:01:53,990 Now, you look in that mirror and say "I will be king." 40 00:01:54,040 --> 00:01:56,030 I will be king. 41 00:01:56,080 --> 00:01:58,150 - Louder. - I will be king! 42 00:01:58,200 --> 00:02:00,790 - Really mean it. - I will be king! 43 00:02:00,840 --> 00:02:04,840 I will be king! 44 00:02:07,320 --> 00:02:08,630 Hello, Kate. 45 00:02:08,680 --> 00:02:10,270 Hello, Archbishop of Canterbury. 46 00:02:10,320 --> 00:02:13,630 I mean, Justin! Just picking some flowers for the abbey. 47 00:02:13,680 --> 00:02:16,910 Your time in Rickmansworth hasn't dulled your eye for colour. 48 00:02:16,960 --> 00:02:18,630 I know it must've been hard for you 49 00:02:18,680 --> 00:02:21,430 but, for selfish reasons, I'm glad you came back. 50 00:02:21,480 --> 00:02:23,150 Well, the vicar in Rickmansworth 51 00:02:23,200 --> 00:02:24,910 didn't have your broad-minded attitude 52 00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:28,950 towards my pagan corn dollies. 53 00:02:29,000 --> 00:02:30,390 It's a family tradition. 54 00:02:30,440 --> 00:02:32,590 They ward off evil. 55 00:02:32,640 --> 00:02:34,790 Well, Jesus is supposed to do that 56 00:02:34,840 --> 00:02:37,190 but I'm sure he'll be glad of all help. 57 00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:39,350 It's so nice to speak to you again, Justin. 58 00:02:39,400 --> 00:02:42,910 Since we got back from Rickmansworth, Wills has been so... 59 00:02:42,960 --> 00:02:45,030 - .. distant. - Can I help in any way? 60 00:02:45,080 --> 00:02:47,470 No. I shouldn't have mentioned it. 61 00:02:47,520 --> 00:02:49,270 - Oh, there was one thing. - Yes? 62 00:02:49,320 --> 00:02:52,750 I've just pulled these tyres out of a skip. 63 00:02:52,800 --> 00:02:56,800 They've been thrown away but I think there's still 10,000 miles in them. 64 00:02:57,910 --> 00:02:58,910 At least. 65 00:02:58,960 --> 00:03:01,190 Wills is usually so encouraging about my scavenging 66 00:03:01,240 --> 00:03:04,950 but, the way he is now, I wonder if I might keep them here, 67 00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:06,110 just till I find a buyer. 68 00:03:06,160 --> 00:03:10,160 - I'll put them in the palace now. - Great. 69 00:03:20,280 --> 00:03:23,190 Er... Pippa? 70 00:03:23,240 --> 00:03:25,950 - What are you doing here? - I'm here in my professional capacity, 71 00:03:26,000 --> 00:03:27,390 - as a party planner. - Oh. 72 00:03:27,440 --> 00:03:31,440 It was my idea to serve the tea in teacups. 73 00:03:32,520 --> 00:03:34,990 So, how's married life? 74 00:03:35,040 --> 00:03:37,550 Oh, I didn't get married in the end. I realised... 75 00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:38,790 So you're single? 76 00:03:38,840 --> 00:03:40,710 That's right. Footloose and fancy free. 77 00:03:40,760 --> 00:03:43,230 Hang on, you don't fancy getting a coffee sometime, do you? 78 00:03:43,280 --> 00:03:44,350 Just a coffee, 79 00:03:44,400 --> 00:03:45,590 and then having a shag? 80 00:03:45,640 --> 00:03:48,230 That's so sweet Harry but... 81 00:03:48,280 --> 00:03:50,910 - .. it's complicated. - Pippa. 82 00:03:50,960 --> 00:03:52,230 This is Jasper. 83 00:03:52,280 --> 00:03:55,110 It's nice to meet you. Erm... You look familiar. 84 00:03:55,160 --> 00:03:57,870 Here, you weren't skiing in Verbier in the spring? 85 00:03:57,920 --> 00:04:00,270 No. You weren't at Snoop Dogg's Las Vegas afternoon 86 00:04:00,320 --> 00:04:03,510 - all-you-can-snort sex buffet, were you? - So, everything sorted? 87 00:04:03,560 --> 00:04:05,630 Yeah, I've got a private jet taking us to Mustique 88 00:04:05,680 --> 00:04:08,870 - nine o'clock Saturday. - Oh, off on holiday? 89 00:04:08,920 --> 00:04:10,310 We're getting married. 90 00:04:10,360 --> 00:04:12,270 Jasper's my fiance. 91 00:04:12,320 --> 00:04:13,350 Bollocks. 92 00:04:13,400 --> 00:04:15,270 Excuse me. I meant fuck. 93 00:04:15,320 --> 00:04:18,310 Ooh, looks like your party planning skills are required. 94 00:04:18,360 --> 00:04:22,360 No, I told them to put the sandwiches on top of the tray! 95 00:04:24,440 --> 00:04:28,440 Nice to see you again, Harry. 96 00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:34,710 What are we going to do? 97 00:04:34,760 --> 00:04:36,830 We haven't got a fraction of what we owe Debrett's 98 00:04:36,880 --> 00:04:39,190 for illegally using their name on our app, Debrett's. 99 00:04:39,240 --> 00:04:41,550 Why do you think I'm writing a fucking children's book? 100 00:04:41,600 --> 00:04:43,550 Oh, wow. Is it something fresh and original? 101 00:04:43,600 --> 00:04:44,790 Er, just a bit! 102 00:04:44,840 --> 00:04:47,910 It's about a marmalade sandwich-eating bear from Peru 103 00:04:47,960 --> 00:04:50,190 who turns up at a major London train station. 104 00:04:50,240 --> 00:04:52,990 I've called it King's Cross St Pancras. 105 00:04:53,040 --> 00:04:55,510 The time for messing around is over. 106 00:04:55,560 --> 00:04:57,150 I'm going to get a proper job. 107 00:04:57,200 --> 00:04:58,830 Well, I'll never join the rat race. 108 00:04:58,880 --> 00:05:00,710 Working 12 till three? 109 00:05:00,760 --> 00:05:01,870 Two days a week? 110 00:05:01,920 --> 00:05:03,710 We can't live off hand-outs. 111 00:05:03,760 --> 00:05:05,790 I'm going out to work. 112 00:05:05,840 --> 00:05:07,150 Starting tomorrow. 113 00:05:07,200 --> 00:05:08,710 Tomorrow's our spa day. 114 00:05:08,760 --> 00:05:11,070 Starting Wednesday. 115 00:05:11,120 --> 00:05:15,070 You have to toughen up. You're going to be a king. 116 00:05:15,120 --> 00:05:16,270 Where have you been? 117 00:05:16,320 --> 00:05:18,950 Just been chatting to some D-Day veterans. 118 00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:21,310 I always feel so inadequate around people like that. 119 00:05:21,360 --> 00:05:22,550 Well, don't. 120 00:05:22,600 --> 00:05:24,590 Why shouldn't a group of 90-year-old war heroes 121 00:05:24,640 --> 00:05:27,070 bow to a girl in her early 30s just because she married me? 122 00:05:27,120 --> 00:05:29,710 - Are you all right? - Oh, I'm fine. 123 00:05:29,760 --> 00:05:31,950 Look, we might not get much time alone together later 124 00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:36,000 so I thought I'd give you your anniversary present now. 125 00:05:37,520 --> 00:05:39,350 Well? 126 00:05:39,400 --> 00:05:40,790 You didn't forget... 127 00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:43,150 No, I didn't forget. I just didn't have the time. 128 00:05:43,200 --> 00:05:46,110 What are you doing that could be more important than our anniversary? 129 00:05:46,160 --> 00:05:47,550 The Royal Variety Show. 130 00:05:47,600 --> 00:05:50,470 I'm going to make this year's the best there's ever been, 131 00:05:50,520 --> 00:05:54,520 starting with booting off Union J. 132 00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:56,510 Wills? 133 00:05:56,560 --> 00:05:58,590 Trouble in paradise? 134 00:05:58,640 --> 00:06:00,390 - No. - Pippa. 135 00:06:00,440 --> 00:06:02,190 Oh, there's my boyfriend Jasper. 136 00:06:02,240 --> 00:06:04,510 Been wanting to introduce you. 137 00:06:04,560 --> 00:06:08,230 Unlike your husband, he doesn't rely on state hand-outs for his money. 138 00:06:08,280 --> 00:06:10,110 He actually puts something back. 139 00:06:10,160 --> 00:06:11,590 Oh, so what do you do, Jasper? 140 00:06:11,640 --> 00:06:13,670 I'm an asset stripper. 141 00:06:13,720 --> 00:06:17,430 Ah. I'd better take this. It's the new owners of Brompton Bicycles. 142 00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:26,390 Pippa, are you sure you don't have feelings for Harry? 143 00:06:26,440 --> 00:06:28,910 Harry? Why would you even say that? 144 00:06:28,960 --> 00:06:32,960 Well, doesn't Jasper remind you of somebody? 145 00:06:35,760 --> 00:06:39,760 No! 146 00:06:40,440 --> 00:06:43,750 Oh, Harry looks upset. 147 00:06:43,800 --> 00:06:47,800 I hope he doesn't go on an all-night bender. 148 00:07:16,240 --> 00:07:17,790 Everything all right, darling? 149 00:07:17,840 --> 00:07:19,670 I just saw Dr Felanesi. 150 00:07:19,720 --> 00:07:22,110 He says I'm not pregnant at all. 151 00:07:22,160 --> 00:07:24,110 This is just... 152 00:07:24,160 --> 00:07:25,350 .. trapped wind. 153 00:07:25,400 --> 00:07:27,550 Goodness me, that's awful. 154 00:07:27,600 --> 00:07:30,190 Poor you. 155 00:07:30,240 --> 00:07:32,390 - What are we going to do? - There's always adoption. 156 00:07:32,440 --> 00:07:33,750 What's the point of that? 157 00:07:33,800 --> 00:07:37,270 Well, you'd still get to express all your maternal instincts. 158 00:07:37,320 --> 00:07:39,830 - With what? - And they do say the child turns out 159 00:07:39,880 --> 00:07:42,030 just like its adoptive parents. 160 00:07:42,080 --> 00:07:45,270 Yes. 161 00:07:45,320 --> 00:07:47,670 Yes, it'd be like a piece of Play-Doh 162 00:07:47,720 --> 00:07:51,110 I could mould in my own image. 163 00:07:51,160 --> 00:07:52,390 Influence all his thinking, 164 00:07:52,440 --> 00:07:55,950 guide every choice he makes. 165 00:07:56,000 --> 00:07:58,000 Like a puppet master. 166 00:08:02,880 --> 00:08:06,880 Get the air freshener, Ken. 167 00:08:11,520 --> 00:08:15,430 Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! 168 00:08:15,480 --> 00:08:17,150 No! 169 00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:18,550 I don't believe you. 170 00:08:18,600 --> 00:08:21,990 This is how I've done it every night for the last four years. 171 00:08:22,040 --> 00:08:24,710 Er, this is the Royal Variety Show. 172 00:08:24,760 --> 00:08:27,630 I intend to make it the greatest one since Freddie Starr got an encore 173 00:08:27,680 --> 00:08:30,190 for his Mick Jagger impression. Now do it again! 174 00:08:30,240 --> 00:08:31,590 I'm tired, Wills. 175 00:08:31,640 --> 00:08:35,640 I'm tired, sir! 176 00:08:37,240 --> 00:08:39,110 OK, everyone, take five. 177 00:08:39,160 --> 00:08:41,630 Then you're on, cowardly lion. 178 00:08:43,840 --> 00:08:45,310 Now that... 179 00:08:45,360 --> 00:08:48,910 .. I believe. 180 00:08:53,560 --> 00:08:55,670 Working 9 to 5 181 00:08:55,720 --> 00:08:58,230 What a way to make a living 182 00:08:58,280 --> 00:09:00,470 Barely getting by 183 00:09:00,520 --> 00:09:02,750 It's all taking and no giving 184 00:09:02,800 --> 00:09:05,030 They just use your mind 185 00:09:05,080 --> 00:09:07,350 And they never give you credit 186 00:09:07,400 --> 00:09:11,400 It's enough to drive you crazy if you let it... 187 00:09:11,640 --> 00:09:13,710 - Sorry to keep you. - Oh, it's all right. 188 00:09:13,760 --> 00:09:16,710 Did you know there's a big railway under London called the Tube? 189 00:09:16,760 --> 00:09:18,390 Er, yeah. This way. 190 00:09:18,440 --> 00:09:21,630 Ooh! Just wanted to check a couple of points on the contract. 191 00:09:21,680 --> 00:09:24,150 It says Monday to Friday. 192 00:09:24,200 --> 00:09:25,870 Is that a mistake? 193 00:09:25,920 --> 00:09:28,630 - No, that's standard. - Really? 194 00:09:28,680 --> 00:09:31,990 Oh! And it says 30 days holiday a year. 195 00:09:32,040 --> 00:09:34,310 Is there a nought missing off that? 196 00:09:34,360 --> 00:09:38,190 Er, that would be ten months holiday a year. - Yeah. 197 00:09:38,240 --> 00:09:40,790 - No, it's just 30 days. - OK. 198 00:09:40,840 --> 00:09:44,840 And where do we take our naps? 199 00:09:51,320 --> 00:09:53,750 - Justin? - Kate! 200 00:09:53,800 --> 00:09:56,590 How lovely to... To see you. Come in. 201 00:09:56,640 --> 00:09:58,670 Erm... I'm sorry about the caravan. 202 00:09:58,720 --> 00:10:01,110 I... I've given the palace over to refugees. 203 00:10:01,160 --> 00:10:02,390 That's wonderful. 204 00:10:02,440 --> 00:10:04,150 And I was brought up in one of these. 205 00:10:04,200 --> 00:10:06,070 A good old Bailey Pageant De Ville. 206 00:10:06,120 --> 00:10:07,270 I got it off Gumtree. 207 00:10:07,320 --> 00:10:09,430 I've converted the toilet into a confessional. 208 00:10:09,480 --> 00:10:10,990 Oh, I'm not sure that's a good idea. 209 00:10:11,040 --> 00:10:12,990 In our one, you could hear everything. 210 00:10:13,040 --> 00:10:17,040 Or at least you could after dad had a curry! 211 00:10:17,520 --> 00:10:21,520 Ooh! 212 00:10:21,960 --> 00:10:23,310 Is everything all right, Kate? 213 00:10:23,360 --> 00:10:24,630 Yes. 214 00:10:24,680 --> 00:10:25,990 No. 215 00:10:26,040 --> 00:10:27,430 It's Wills. 216 00:10:27,480 --> 00:10:30,350 He's become completely obsessed with the Royal Variety Show. 217 00:10:30,400 --> 00:10:34,400 - Mm. - I just feel so alone. 218 00:10:34,680 --> 00:10:38,680 Forgive me but have you been taking care of business? 219 00:10:38,880 --> 00:10:40,310 In the bedroom, I mean. 220 00:10:40,360 --> 00:10:41,350 Yes. 221 00:10:41,400 --> 00:10:44,070 Varying things? Different positions, dressing up, 222 00:10:44,120 --> 00:10:47,990 surprising each other with sex toys and so forth? 223 00:10:48,040 --> 00:10:49,030 Yes. 224 00:10:49,080 --> 00:10:51,350 Well, then, I think you're worrying needlessly. 225 00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:53,910 You're one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen 226 00:10:53,960 --> 00:10:57,670 and, if you're, say, letting him watch whilst you pleasure yourself 227 00:10:57,720 --> 00:11:00,390 with a Black Mamba, then I think there's nothing to worry about. 228 00:11:00,440 --> 00:11:01,950 Justin! 229 00:11:02,000 --> 00:11:04,150 Just because I became the Archbishop of Canterbury 230 00:11:04,200 --> 00:11:08,200 doesn't mean I stopped being a man. 231 00:11:10,560 --> 00:11:13,030 - By the way, those, er, tyres... - Mm. 232 00:11:13,080 --> 00:11:15,470 I took the liberty of putting them on eBay myself. 233 00:11:15,520 --> 00:11:19,520 They made 86 pounds and 14 pence. 234 00:11:19,720 --> 00:11:21,110 You must take 15%. 235 00:11:21,160 --> 00:11:22,150 Oh, I couldn't. 236 00:11:22,200 --> 00:11:24,190 Plus the 35 pence insertion fee. 237 00:11:24,240 --> 00:11:26,110 That's $£13.27. 238 00:11:26,160 --> 00:11:28,870 Your mental arithmetic is excellent. 239 00:11:28,920 --> 00:11:29,910 Thank you. 240 00:11:29,960 --> 00:11:33,110 I bet you even know the commission payable to eBay. 241 00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:35,030 $£8.61, 242 00:11:35,080 --> 00:11:36,790 plus postage and packaging. 243 00:11:36,840 --> 00:11:39,910 Oh, Kate. 244 00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:42,790 - What are you doing? - I'm sorry. 245 00:11:42,840 --> 00:11:45,350 Don't be. Erm... 246 00:11:45,400 --> 00:11:49,400 No, keep... Keep the change. 247 00:11:53,580 --> 00:11:54,920 Gotcha! 248 00:12:03,500 --> 00:12:05,850 Relax, you must not struggle. 249 00:12:05,900 --> 00:12:07,970 Where am I? Wh... 250 00:12:08,020 --> 00:12:09,410 Why am I in this? 251 00:12:09,460 --> 00:12:12,930 You are in the Riga Institute for the Alarmingly Unstable. 252 00:12:12,980 --> 00:12:15,850 You were brought here last night after standing on the fountain, 253 00:12:15,900 --> 00:12:18,290 exposing your sexual organs 254 00:12:18,340 --> 00:12:22,330 and claiming to be fifth in line to the throne of England. 255 00:12:22,380 --> 00:12:24,010 But I am fifth in line. 256 00:12:24,060 --> 00:12:25,650 I'm Prince Harry. 257 00:12:25,700 --> 00:12:29,450 Yes, let me introduce to you Joseph Stalin. 258 00:12:29,500 --> 00:12:33,500 Catherine the Great. 259 00:12:33,700 --> 00:12:36,890 And Zayn from One Direction. 260 00:12:36,940 --> 00:12:38,450 But that IS Zayn. 261 00:12:38,500 --> 00:12:39,530 Mm! Mm! Mm! 262 00:12:39,580 --> 00:12:41,890 And he's losing valuable career momentum. 263 00:12:41,940 --> 00:12:44,290 Look, if I promise not to make any trouble, 264 00:12:44,340 --> 00:12:45,970 can I just make one phone call? 265 00:12:46,020 --> 00:12:48,610 You were saying some pretty crazy things last night. 266 00:12:48,660 --> 00:12:51,890 Like your granny owns any dolphin within three miles of Britain. 267 00:12:51,940 --> 00:12:53,250 She does. 268 00:12:53,300 --> 00:12:57,300 Please! 269 00:12:57,900 --> 00:12:59,770 Darling, this is Sonia. 270 00:12:59,820 --> 00:13:01,090 She's black. 271 00:13:01,140 --> 00:13:03,890 I mean, she's from the adoption agency. 272 00:13:03,940 --> 00:13:06,330 - Lovely to meet you. - Do sit down. 273 00:13:06,380 --> 00:13:09,210 Just let me move this copy of Communism Monthly, 274 00:13:09,260 --> 00:13:11,410 that I subscribe to. 275 00:13:11,460 --> 00:13:15,460 Now, you're a little older than most of our applicants. 276 00:13:15,660 --> 00:13:17,130 How old are you? 277 00:13:17,180 --> 00:13:18,570 If you don't mind me asking. 278 00:13:18,620 --> 00:13:20,450 36. 279 00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:24,500 OK, right, well, we do get some people who are... Er... 280 00:13:25,340 --> 00:13:27,890 What's a nice way of saying it? Erm... 281 00:13:27,940 --> 00:13:30,450 - Fucked up? - Erm... Yeah. 282 00:13:30,500 --> 00:13:33,290 And this test is designed to help us identify them. 283 00:13:33,340 --> 00:13:35,010 We're definitely not fucked up. 284 00:13:35,060 --> 00:13:36,970 Look, we're holding hands. 285 00:13:37,020 --> 00:13:38,010 First question. 286 00:13:38,060 --> 00:13:42,060 What emotion is this person expressing? 287 00:13:42,300 --> 00:13:46,170 - Serenity. - Loyalty to the crown. 288 00:13:46,220 --> 00:13:48,130 This one's just for you. 289 00:13:48,180 --> 00:13:52,180 Which character do you most identify with? 290 00:14:04,500 --> 00:14:06,130 Zayn! 291 00:14:06,180 --> 00:14:08,170 Come on. 292 00:14:08,220 --> 00:14:11,050 Pick up. 293 00:14:11,100 --> 00:14:14,330 Prince Edward, window cleaning, refuse collection and drug mule. 294 00:14:14,380 --> 00:14:15,730 No job too big or too small. 295 00:14:15,780 --> 00:14:19,170 It's Harry. I'm in trouble. I... I need your help. 296 00:14:19,220 --> 00:14:20,370 And you called me? 297 00:14:20,420 --> 00:14:22,770 Look, I'm in a mental hospital in Latvia 298 00:14:22,820 --> 00:14:25,250 and I have to get back to stop Pippa getting married. 299 00:14:25,300 --> 00:14:27,970 - You've got to help me. - I'll be on the next flight. 300 00:14:28,020 --> 00:14:31,010 No, no. I meant call the embassy and get them to help. 301 00:14:31,060 --> 00:14:35,060 - Oh. All right, will do. - Great. 302 00:14:35,940 --> 00:14:39,940 'But if I did sort this out myself and rescue Harry, I'd be a hero. 303 00:14:40,700 --> 00:14:44,700 'People would start to take me seriously, like when... 304 00:14:44,940 --> 00:14:47,610 'Well, people would start to take me seriously. 305 00:14:47,660 --> 00:14:49,050 'This is it. 306 00:14:49,100 --> 00:14:51,240 'My shot at redemption.' 307 00:15:05,980 --> 00:15:07,930 For the last time, Lionel Richie, 308 00:15:07,980 --> 00:15:11,050 you are wearing the beige slacks when you do Three Times A Lady. 309 00:15:11,100 --> 00:15:12,570 Now get out! 310 00:15:12,620 --> 00:15:14,090 Hello, Wills! 311 00:15:14,140 --> 00:15:16,490 - What do you want? - Seen much of Kate lately? 312 00:15:16,540 --> 00:15:18,850 Not that it's any of your business, but no. 313 00:15:18,900 --> 00:15:20,530 I've been very busy with this. 314 00:15:20,580 --> 00:15:23,050 Rumour has it that she's been spending rather too much time 315 00:15:23,100 --> 00:15:24,810 with the Archbishop of Canterbury. 316 00:15:24,860 --> 00:15:26,730 I'm not interested in tittle-tattle. 317 00:15:26,780 --> 00:15:28,890 Oh, this isn't gossip. 318 00:15:28,940 --> 00:15:32,940 This is fact. 319 00:15:35,780 --> 00:15:39,780 He always did say he was going to be more hands-on. 320 00:15:40,420 --> 00:15:44,420 Toodle-oo. 321 00:15:44,700 --> 00:15:47,810 How did I let this happen? 322 00:15:47,860 --> 00:15:50,730 What have I become? 323 00:15:50,780 --> 00:15:54,780 I'm m-m-melting! 324 00:15:57,900 --> 00:16:00,410 I've never seen anything like it. 325 00:16:00,460 --> 00:16:03,490 Your emotional test scores are extremely low. 326 00:16:03,540 --> 00:16:07,370 It's almost what you'd expect to see from a lizard. 327 00:16:07,420 --> 00:16:09,290 Individually or combined? 328 00:16:09,340 --> 00:16:12,130 Either way, I couldn't approve you for adoption. 329 00:16:12,180 --> 00:16:14,490 - I'm sorry. - I'll bet you are. 330 00:16:14,540 --> 00:16:17,370 You know, in years gone by, we could've had you beheaded. 331 00:16:17,420 --> 00:16:20,050 You're just lucky it's not the 1990s any more. 332 00:16:20,100 --> 00:16:24,100 Go on, get out. Get out! 333 00:16:31,580 --> 00:16:32,690 Edward! 334 00:16:32,740 --> 00:16:34,210 I said just call the embassy. 335 00:16:34,260 --> 00:16:37,290 I know, but this was something I had to do on my own. 336 00:16:37,340 --> 00:16:40,010 For me. - Sort of shot at redemption type thing? 337 00:16:40,060 --> 00:16:42,770 Exactly! Give the old self esteem a bit of a boost. 338 00:16:42,820 --> 00:16:44,770 Good for you. Let's go. 339 00:16:44,820 --> 00:16:46,290 Might still be time to stop Pippa. 340 00:16:46,340 --> 00:16:49,810 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Got to clean all these windows first. 341 00:16:49,860 --> 00:16:53,050 12 quid's 12 quid. 342 00:16:53,100 --> 00:16:56,170 Working nine to five... 343 00:16:56,220 --> 00:17:00,220 Help! Does anyone know how to fix the photocopier? 344 00:17:00,740 --> 00:17:02,810 Why have you filed everything under T? 345 00:17:02,860 --> 00:17:05,650 THE Prebble account. THE Harrowell file. 346 00:17:05,700 --> 00:17:08,090 - Oh, you idiot. - Well, some of it's under A. 347 00:17:08,140 --> 00:17:09,210 Oh, God! 348 00:17:09,260 --> 00:17:11,130 And where's the tea I asked for an hour ago? 349 00:17:11,180 --> 00:17:12,850 I don't know where the kettle is. 350 00:17:12,900 --> 00:17:14,290 Or how to work it. 351 00:17:14,340 --> 00:17:16,090 Christ! 352 00:17:16,140 --> 00:17:17,690 Argh! Argh! 353 00:17:17,740 --> 00:17:21,530 Oh! 354 00:17:21,580 --> 00:17:23,850 What the fuck's going on here? 355 00:17:23,900 --> 00:17:25,410 Bea? Bea? 356 00:17:25,460 --> 00:17:27,090 Wake up. 357 00:17:27,140 --> 00:17:28,330 Eugenie. 358 00:17:28,380 --> 00:17:29,810 What are you doing here? 359 00:17:29,860 --> 00:17:31,570 You forgot your fascinator. 360 00:17:31,620 --> 00:17:34,970 Eugenie, I'm so tired. 361 00:17:35,020 --> 00:17:38,250 I was a fool to think I could work to earn money. 362 00:17:38,300 --> 00:17:41,130 That man makes me do things. 363 00:17:41,180 --> 00:17:42,930 You nonce! 364 00:17:42,980 --> 00:17:46,570 And they make me stay till nearly five. 365 00:17:46,620 --> 00:17:50,620 Drink this. 366 00:17:52,900 --> 00:17:54,530 Is that the '96? 367 00:17:54,580 --> 00:17:56,250 It's an '84. 368 00:17:56,300 --> 00:17:59,450 You've fucked up her palate, you arsehole. 369 00:17:59,500 --> 00:18:02,010 For a moment there, I was outside myself. 370 00:18:02,060 --> 00:18:03,690 Floating. 371 00:18:03,740 --> 00:18:05,490 I finally know where the loos are. 372 00:18:05,540 --> 00:18:07,410 I won't have to hold it in any more. 373 00:18:07,460 --> 00:18:08,970 You've been holding in your wee? 374 00:18:09,020 --> 00:18:11,010 You are quitting right now. 375 00:18:11,060 --> 00:18:12,050 No. 376 00:18:12,100 --> 00:18:16,100 I started on Wednesday. I should at least see out the week. 377 00:18:16,340 --> 00:18:19,690 No, you are coming to the Royal Variety Show, 378 00:18:19,740 --> 00:18:23,740 where all the bogs are adequately signposted. 379 00:18:27,100 --> 00:18:29,330 Kate. - Justin, what are you doing here? 380 00:18:29,380 --> 00:18:31,810 I can't bear being apart from you any longer. 381 00:18:31,860 --> 00:18:34,770 - What are you talking about? - Run away with me. - Where? 382 00:18:34,820 --> 00:18:38,210 Ibiza. We can work in a bar or hand out leaflets for nightclubs. 383 00:18:38,260 --> 00:18:39,690 What about your calling? 384 00:18:39,740 --> 00:18:41,450 There are many ways of honouring god, 385 00:18:41,500 --> 00:18:44,090 including having it large on the White Island. 386 00:18:44,140 --> 00:18:46,570 Come on, Kate. I know the bloke who runs Pacha 387 00:18:46,620 --> 00:18:48,730 but he won't keep these jobs open forever. 388 00:18:48,780 --> 00:18:49,970 I... 389 00:18:50,020 --> 00:18:51,290 Oh, Kate. 390 00:18:51,340 --> 00:18:55,940 I just wanted to say I've been a total arse lately and that... 391 00:18:56,180 --> 00:18:59,050 Archbishop. - I hear it's going to be a good show tonight. 392 00:18:59,100 --> 00:19:01,570 Yes. But I don't care about that any more. 393 00:19:01,620 --> 00:19:05,130 I've been so wrapped up in Olly Murs and Michael Mclntyre 394 00:19:05,180 --> 00:19:07,650 that I've forgotten about us. 395 00:19:07,700 --> 00:19:09,130 Can you forgive me? 396 00:19:09,180 --> 00:19:11,090 You hurt me, Wills. 397 00:19:11,140 --> 00:19:12,730 I don't know what to think. 398 00:19:12,780 --> 00:19:15,410 I hope you make the decision that's right... 399 00:19:15,460 --> 00:19:18,130 for you. 400 00:19:18,180 --> 00:19:22,180 Archbishop. 401 00:19:22,380 --> 00:19:24,850 Come on, Kate. There's not much time. 402 00:19:24,900 --> 00:19:27,410 There's an easyJet flight leaving from Luton in an hour. 403 00:19:27,460 --> 00:19:29,810 - Oh, Justin. - We deserve this. 404 00:19:29,860 --> 00:19:32,490 We've both spent our lives serving the public. 405 00:19:32,540 --> 00:19:34,370 No, Justin. 406 00:19:34,420 --> 00:19:36,250 And for me it's only been four years 407 00:19:36,300 --> 00:19:37,890 and most of that was banquets. 408 00:19:37,940 --> 00:19:39,890 - I see. - I'm sorry, Justin. 409 00:19:39,940 --> 00:19:42,850 No, no. No, you're right. 410 00:19:42,900 --> 00:19:45,730 I'm glad one of us managed to stay level-headed. 411 00:19:45,780 --> 00:19:48,570 And, now I think about it, I'm married, too, so... 412 00:19:48,620 --> 00:19:52,620 Oh, in that case, it's for the best. 413 00:19:56,620 --> 00:20:00,620 OK, Jasper, see you in five. 414 00:20:01,060 --> 00:20:05,060 Harry! 415 00:20:06,100 --> 00:20:08,210 Don't marry him, Pippa. 416 00:20:08,260 --> 00:20:10,610 I want to spend the rest of my life with you. 417 00:20:10,660 --> 00:20:12,130 Er, so does Jasper. 418 00:20:12,180 --> 00:20:14,210 But what's Jasper got that I haven't? 419 00:20:14,260 --> 00:20:17,010 I can hear someone in the background. Pippa! Pippa! 420 00:20:17,060 --> 00:20:18,410 Hello? 421 00:20:18,460 --> 00:20:21,810 Well, he's got a hedge fund that controls over $£40 billion. 422 00:20:21,860 --> 00:20:25,810 And I work unpaid in a charity shop and I'm a trainee window cleaner. 423 00:20:25,860 --> 00:20:27,210 And plus, I'm a prince. 424 00:20:27,260 --> 00:20:28,690 Oh, Harry. 425 00:20:28,740 --> 00:20:32,740 You had me at "Plus, I'm a prince." 426 00:20:32,820 --> 00:20:36,410 Pippa! Pippa! 427 00:20:36,460 --> 00:20:39,370 By the way... 428 00:20:39,420 --> 00:20:42,410 .. this is for you. 429 00:20:42,460 --> 00:20:46,090 I made it in a Latvian mental hospital. 430 00:20:46,140 --> 00:20:50,140 It's beautiful. 431 00:20:55,420 --> 00:20:57,290 Wills, that was marvellous. 432 00:20:57,340 --> 00:20:59,850 So, er... This is an entertainment show? 433 00:20:59,900 --> 00:21:02,930 Yes, congratulations, Wills. You really have an instinct 434 00:21:02,980 --> 00:21:06,730 for what people with below-average intelligence will find amusing. 435 00:21:06,780 --> 00:21:09,730 And Camilla should know. She's only the one O level. 436 00:21:09,780 --> 00:21:11,210 Wills. 437 00:21:11,260 --> 00:21:14,290 Wills! 438 00:21:14,340 --> 00:21:18,340 - I love you. - And I love you. 439 00:21:18,820 --> 00:21:21,250 No, let me. 440 00:21:21,300 --> 00:21:23,050 I'm so sorry about Justin. 441 00:21:23,100 --> 00:21:25,610 You've got nothing to be sorry about. 442 00:21:25,660 --> 00:21:28,370 - But did you? - No. 443 00:21:28,420 --> 00:21:31,610 Little bit of upstairs outside. 444 00:21:31,660 --> 00:21:33,650 Oh, Kate, I've been such a fool. 445 00:21:33,700 --> 00:21:36,290 I can't believe I nearly lost you trying to revive the monarchy 446 00:21:36,340 --> 00:21:38,810 - when I should've been... - Wills! Wills! Wills! 447 00:21:38,860 --> 00:21:40,770 Sounds like you should take a bow. 448 00:21:40,820 --> 00:21:43,250 I didn't do anything. It was the performers. 449 00:21:43,300 --> 00:21:45,010 Well, that's the way the world works. 450 00:21:45,060 --> 00:21:46,490 Someone has to take the credit 451 00:21:46,540 --> 00:21:49,330 whilst millions and millions of other people do all the work. 452 00:21:49,380 --> 00:21:51,050 Drones, if you like. 453 00:21:51,100 --> 00:21:55,100 Ah, here's the press. Give your nice statement. 454 00:21:55,460 --> 00:21:57,490 All right. 455 00:21:57,540 --> 00:22:00,290 Prince William, how does it feel to be responsible 456 00:22:00,340 --> 00:22:03,090 for the best Royal Variety Show since The Beatles? 457 00:22:03,140 --> 00:22:04,890 It feels... 458 00:22:04,940 --> 00:22:06,490 wrong. 459 00:22:06,540 --> 00:22:08,930 I'm not responsible for what happened out there tonight. 460 00:22:08,980 --> 00:22:10,850 It was Olly, Adele, 461 00:22:10,900 --> 00:22:13,170 the touring cast of Bugsy Malone. 462 00:22:13,220 --> 00:22:16,930 All I did was make a man in a lion costume wet himself. 463 00:22:16,980 --> 00:22:19,170 That's all the monarchy have ever done... 464 00:22:19,220 --> 00:22:22,250 take credit we don't deserve for things we haven't done, 465 00:22:22,300 --> 00:22:26,300 suck up a shitload of cash and make everyone else feel a bit below us, 466 00:22:27,180 --> 00:22:28,490 which is why, 467 00:22:28,540 --> 00:22:31,010 Prime Minister, if you're watching, 468 00:22:31,060 --> 00:22:34,050 and I know you are because you're a big Josh Widdicombe fan, 469 00:22:34,100 --> 00:22:37,170 give the people of Britain a referendum 470 00:22:37,220 --> 00:22:40,410 on the abolition of the monarchy.