You're my father.
Why didn't you use protection?
It was the '70s, I liked to go in bareback.
We could live our own lives and not in a palace
but just in a castle or a normal stately home.
Pippa, just so you know, you are pretty enough to be a prostitute.
246 fights, 246 knock-outs.
You see, I'm proud of being a gypsy.
I just had the most brilliant idea for an online business.
A dating app for aristocrats
and the people that want to have sex with them.
Pippa, I'd like you to meet my fiancee.
I'm going to be king again.
And you've just got the hang of the washing machine.
Oh!
The baby!
- We love you, William! - Go! Drive!
Well, that's the Germaine Greer Centre for Women's Studies opened.
Oh, this is ridiculous!
Is this all the royal family does?
Oh, stop wh-wh-whining.
George VI out of The King's Speech.
And do you think I wanted to be king
with this f-f-f-flipping speech impediment?
- Well, no. - I bloody well got on with it.
But I had plans, yeah?
I wanted to be a helicopter pilot and then an estate agent.
Lots of people can be pilots
and literally anyone can be an estate agent,
but only one man can ever be a k-king.
But opening things seems so pointless.
Well, then, find something else.
Some part of royal life that's been left to rot
and needs dragging into the 21st century.
The Royal Variety Show.
Exactly.
But you have to toughen up!
You're going to be a king, not Nick Grimshaw's sidekick.
Now, you look in that mirror and say "I will be king."
I will be king.
- Louder. - I will be king!
- Really mean it. - I will be king!
I will be king!
Hello, Kate.
Hello, Archbishop of Canterbury.
I mean, Justin! Just picking some flowers for the abbey.
Your time in Rickmansworth hasn't dulled your eye for colour.
I know it must've been hard for you
but, for selfish reasons, I'm glad you came back.
Well, the vicar in Rickmansworth
didn't have your broad-minded attitude
towards my pagan corn dollies.
It's a family tradition.
They ward off evil.
Well, Jesus is supposed to do that
but I'm sure he'll be glad of all help.
It's so nice to speak to you again, Justin.
Since we got back from Rickmansworth, Wills has been so...
- .. distant. - Can I help in any way?
No. I shouldn't have mentioned it.
- Oh, there was one thing. - Yes?
I've just pulled these tyres out of a skip.
They've been thrown away but I think there's still 10,000 miles in them.
At least.
Wills is usually so encouraging about my scavenging
but, the way he is now, I wonder if I might keep them here,
just till I find a buyer.
- I'll put them in the palace now. - Great.
Er... Pippa?
- What are you doing here? - I'm here in my professional capacity,
- as a party planner. - Oh.
It was my idea to serve the tea in teacups.
So, how's married life?
Oh, I didn't get married in the end. I realised...
So you're single?
That's right. Footloose and fancy free.
Hang on, you don't fancy getting a coffee sometime, do you?
Just a coffee,
and then having a shag?
That's so sweet Harry but...
- .. it's complicated. - Pippa.
This is Jasper.
It's nice to meet you. Erm... You look familiar.
Here, you weren't skiing in Verbier in the spring?
No. You weren't at Snoop Dogg's Las Vegas afternoon
- all-you-can-snort sex buffet, were you? - So, everything sorted?
Yeah, I've got a private jet taking us to Mustique
- nine o'clock Saturday. - Oh, off on holiday?
We're getting married.
Jasper's my fiance.
Bollocks.
Excuse me. I meant fuck.
Ooh, looks like your party planning skills are required.
No, I told them to put the sandwiches on top of the tray!
Nice to see you again, Harry.
What are we going to do?
We haven't got a fraction of what we owe Debrett's
for illegally using their name on our app, Debrett's.
Why do you think I'm writing a fucking children's book?
Oh, wow. Is it something fresh and original?
Er, just a bit!
It's about a marmalade sandwich-eating bear from Peru
who turns up at a major London train station.
I've called it King's Cross St Pancras.
The time for messing around is over.
I'm going to get a proper job.
Well, I'll never join the rat race.
Working 12 till three?
Two days a week?
We can't live off hand-outs.
I'm going out to work.
Starting tomorrow.
Tomorrow's our spa day.
Starting Wednesday.
You have to toughen up. You're going to be a king.
Where have you been?
Just been chatting to some D-Day veterans.
I always feel so inadequate around people like that.
Well, don't.
Why shouldn't a group of 90-year-old war heroes
bow to a girl in her early 30s just because she married me?
- Are you all right? - Oh, I'm fine.
Look, we might not get much time alone together later
so I thought I'd give you your anniversary present now.
Well?
You didn't forget...
No, I didn't forget. I just didn't have the time.
What are you doing that could be more important than our anniversary?
The Royal Variety Show.
I'm going to make this year's the best there's ever been,
starting with booting off Union J.
Wills?
Trouble in paradise?
- No. - Pippa.
Oh, there's my boyfriend Jasper.
Been wanting to introduce you.
Unlike your husband, he doesn't rely on state hand-outs for his money.
He actually puts something back.
Oh, so what do you do, Jasper?
I'm an asset stripper.
Ah. I'd better take this. It's the new owners of Brompton Bicycles.
Pippa, are you sure you don't have feelings for Harry?
Harry? Why would you even say that?
Well, doesn't Jasper remind you of somebody?
No!
Oh, Harry looks upset.
I hope he doesn't go on an all-night bender.
Everything all right, darling?
I just saw Dr Felanesi.
He says I'm not pregnant at all.
This is just...
.. trapped wind.
Goodness me, that's awful.
Poor you.
- What are we going to do? - There's always adoption.
What's the point of that?
Well, you'd still get to express all your maternal instincts.
- With what? - And they do say the child turns out
just like its adoptive parents.
Yes.
Yes, it'd be like a piece of Play-Doh
I could mould in my own image.
Influence all his thinking,
guide every choice he makes.
Like a puppet master.
Get the air freshener, Ken.
Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
No!
I don't believe you.
This is how I've done it every night for the last four years.
Er, this is the Royal Variety Show.
I intend to make it the greatest one since Freddie Starr got an encore
for his Mick Jagger impression. Now do it again!
I'm tired, Wills.
I'm tired, sir!
OK, everyone, take five.
Then you're on, cowardly lion.
Now that...
.. I believe.
Working 9 to 5
What a way to make a living
Barely getting by
It's all taking and no giving
They just use your mind
And they never give you credit
It's enough to drive you crazy if you let it...
- Sorry to keep you. - Oh, it's all right.
Did you know there's a big railway under London called the Tube?
Er, yeah. This way.
Ooh! Just wanted to check a couple of points on the contract.
It says Monday to Friday.
Is that a mistake?
- No, that's standard. - Really?
Oh! And it says 30 days holiday a year.
Is there a nought missing off that?
Er, that would be ten months holiday a year. - Yeah.
- No, it's just 30 days. - OK.
And where do we take our naps?
- Justin? - Kate!
How lovely to... To see you. Come in.
Erm... I'm sorry about the caravan.
I... I've given the palace over to refugees.
That's wonderful.
And I was brought up in one of these.
A good old Bailey Pageant De Ville.
I got it off Gumtree.
I've converted the toilet into a confessional.
Oh, I'm not sure that's a good idea.
In our one, you could hear everything.
Or at least you could after dad had a curry!
Ooh!
Is everything all right, Kate?
Yes.
No.
It's Wills.
He's become completely obsessed with the Royal Variety Show.
- Mm. - I just feel so alone.
Forgive me but have you been taking care of business?
In the bedroom, I mean.
Yes.
Varying things? Different positions, dressing up,
surprising each other with sex toys and so forth?
Yes.
Well, then, I think you're worrying needlessly.
You're one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen
and, if you're, say, letting him watch whilst you pleasure yourself
with a Black Mamba, then I think there's nothing to worry about.
Justin!
Just because I became the Archbishop of Canterbury
doesn't mean I stopped being a man.
- By the way, those, er, tyres... - Mm.
I took the liberty of putting them on eBay myself.
They made 86 pounds and 14 pence.
You must take 15%.
Oh, I couldn't.
Plus the 35 pence insertion fee.
That's $£13.27.
Your mental arithmetic is excellent.
Thank you.
I bet you even know the commission payable to eBay.
$£8.61,
plus postage and packaging.
Oh, Kate.
- What are you doing? - I'm sorry.
Don't be. Erm...
No, keep... Keep the change.
Gotcha!
Relax, you must not struggle.
Where am I? Wh...
Why am I in this?
You are in the Riga Institute for the Alarmingly Unstable.
You were brought here last night after standing on the fountain,
exposing your sexual organs
and claiming to be fifth in line to the throne of England.
But I am fifth in line.
I'm Prince Harry.
Yes, let me introduce to you Joseph Stalin.
Catherine the Great.
And Zayn from One Direction.
But that IS Zayn.
Mm! Mm! Mm!
And he's losing valuable career momentum.
Look, if I promise not to make any trouble,
can I just make one phone call?
You were saying some pretty crazy things last night.
Like your granny owns any dolphin within three miles of Britain.
She does.
Please!
Darling, this is Sonia.
She's black.
I mean, she's from the adoption agency.
- Lovely to meet you. - Do sit down.
Just let me move this copy of Communism Monthly,
that I subscribe to.
Now, you're a little older than most of our applicants.
How old are you?
If you don't mind me asking.
36.
OK, right, well, we do get some people who are... Er...
What's a nice way of saying it? Erm...
- Fucked up? - Erm... Yeah.
And this test is designed to help us identify them.
We're definitely not fucked up.
Look, we're holding hands.
First question.
What emotion is this person expressing?
- Serenity. - Loyalty to the crown.
This one's just for you.
Which character do you most identify with?
Zayn!
Come on.
Pick up.
Prince Edward, window cleaning, refuse collection and drug mule.
No job too big or too small.
It's Harry. I'm in trouble. I... I need your help.
And you called me?
Look, I'm in a mental hospital in Latvia
and I have to get back to stop Pippa getting married.
- You've got to help me. - I'll be on the next flight.
No, no. I meant call the embassy and get them to help.
- Oh. All right, will do. - Great.
'But if I did sort this out myself and rescue Harry, I'd be a hero.
'People would start to take me seriously, like when...
'Well, people would start to take me seriously.
'This is it.
'My shot at redemption.'
For the last time, Lionel Richie,
you are wearing the beige slacks when you do Three Times A Lady.
Now get out!
Hello, Wills!
- What do you want? - Seen much of Kate lately?
Not that it's any of your business, but no.
I've been very busy with this.
Rumour has it that she's been spending rather too much time
with the Archbishop of Canterbury.
I'm not interested in tittle-tattle.
Oh, this isn't gossip.
This is fact.
He always did say he was going to be more hands-on.
Toodle-oo.
How did I let this happen?
What have I become?
I'm m-m-melting!
I've never seen anything like it.
Your emotional test scores are extremely low.
It's almost what you'd expect to see from a lizard.
Individually or combined?
Either way, I couldn't approve you for adoption.
- I'm sorry. - I'll bet you are.
You know, in years gone by, we could've had you beheaded.
You're just lucky it's not the 1990s any more.
Go on, get out. Get out!
Edward!
I said just call the embassy.
I know, but this was something I had to do on my own.
For me. - Sort of shot at redemption type thing?
Exactly! Give the old self esteem a bit of a boost.
Good for you. Let's go.
Might still be time to stop Pippa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Got to clean all these windows first.
12 quid's 12 quid.
Working nine to five...
Help! Does anyone know how to fix the photocopier?
Why have you filed everything under T?
THE Prebble account. THE Harrowell file.
- Oh, you idiot. - Well, some of it's under A.
Oh, God!
And where's the tea I asked for an hour ago?
I don't know where the kettle is.
Or how to work it.
Christ!
Argh! Argh!
Oh!
What the fuck's going on here?
Bea? Bea?
Wake up.
Eugenie.
What are you doing here?
You forgot your fascinator.
Eugenie, I'm so tired.
I was a fool to think I could work to earn money.
That man makes me do things.
You nonce!
And they make me stay till nearly five.
Drink this.
Is that the '96?
It's an '84.
You've fucked up her palate, you arsehole.
For a moment there, I was outside myself.
Floating.
I finally know where the loos are.
I won't have to hold it in any more.
You've been holding in your wee?
You are quitting right now.
No.
I started on Wednesday. I should at least see out the week.
No, you are coming to the Royal Variety Show,
where all the bogs are adequately signposted.
Kate. - Justin, what are you doing here?
I can't bear being apart from you any longer.
- What are you talking about? - Run away with me. - Where?
Ibiza. We can work in a bar or hand out leaflets for nightclubs.
What about your calling?
There are many ways of honouring god,
including having it large on the White Island.
Come on, Kate. I know the bloke who runs Pacha
but he won't keep these jobs open forever.
I...
Oh, Kate.
I just wanted to say I've been a total arse lately and that...
Archbishop. - I hear it's going to be a good show tonight.
Yes. But I don't care about that any more.
I've been so wrapped up in Olly Murs and Michael Mclntyre
that I've forgotten about us.
Can you forgive me?
You hurt me, Wills.
I don't know what to think.
I hope you make the decision that's right...
for you.
Archbishop.
Come on, Kate. There's not much time.
There's an easyJet flight leaving from Luton in an hour.
- Oh, Justin. - We deserve this.
We've both spent our lives serving the public.
No, Justin.
And for me it's only been four years
and most of that was banquets.
- I see. - I'm sorry, Justin.
No, no. No, you're right.
I'm glad one of us managed to stay level-headed.
And, now I think about it, I'm married, too, so...
Oh, in that case, it's for the best.
OK, Jasper, see you in five.
Harry!
Don't marry him, Pippa.
I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
Er, so does Jasper.
But what's Jasper got that I haven't?
I can hear someone in the background. Pippa! Pippa!
Hello?
Well, he's got a hedge fund that controls over $£40 billion.
And I work unpaid in a charity shop and I'm a trainee window cleaner.
And plus, I'm a prince.
Oh, Harry.
You had me at "Plus, I'm a prince."
Pippa! Pippa!
By the way...
.. this is for you.
I made it in a Latvian mental hospital.
It's beautiful.
Wills, that was marvellous.
So, er... This is an entertainment show?
Yes, congratulations, Wills. You really have an instinct
for what people with below-average intelligence will find amusing.
And Camilla should know. She's only the one O level.
Wills.
Wills!
- I love you. - And I love you.
No, let me.
I'm so sorry about Justin.
You've got nothing to be sorry about.
- But did you? - No.
Little bit of upstairs outside.
Oh, Kate, I've been such a fool.
I can't believe I nearly lost you trying to revive the monarchy
- when I should've been... - Wills! Wills! Wills!
Sounds like you should take a bow.
I didn't do anything. It was the performers.
Well, that's the way the world works.
Someone has to take the credit
whilst millions and millions of other people do all the work.
Drones, if you like.
Ah, here's the press. Give your nice statement.
All right.
Prince William, how does it feel to be responsible
for the best Royal Variety Show since The Beatles?
It feels...
wrong.
I'm not responsible for what happened out there tonight.
It was Olly, Adele,
the touring cast of Bugsy Malone.
All I did was make a man in a lion costume wet himself.
That's all the monarchy have ever done...
take credit we don't deserve for things we haven't done,
suck up a shitload of cash and make everyone else feel a bit below us,
which is why,
Prime Minister, if you're watching,
and I know you are because you're a big Josh Widdicombe fan,
give the people of Britain a referendum
on the abolition of the monarchy.