1 00:00:03,228 --> 00:00:04,991 - Previously on Wonderfalls. - Make me a match. 2 00:00:05,097 --> 00:00:08,726 You can't talk. You don't have a larynx. 3 00:00:08,834 --> 00:00:11,667 Are you Satan? Are you God? 4 00:00:11,770 --> 00:00:14,204 I'm a crazy person. 5 00:00:14,306 --> 00:00:17,332 Your ass is ringing. 6 00:00:17,442 --> 00:00:21,071 - My ass rings a lot. - Why do you have an ass if you don't answer it? 7 00:00:21,179 --> 00:00:23,204 Her name's Heidi. She's my college sweetheart. 8 00:00:23,315 --> 00:00:26,682 Married in Jersey. Honeymoon in Niagara. It was like a fairy tale. 9 00:00:26,785 --> 00:00:30,585 - Until I caught her with the bellman in our room. - Sweet. 10 00:00:30,689 --> 00:00:33,715 I'm almost numb enough to start something on the rebound. What do you say? 11 00:00:33,825 --> 00:00:38,455 I may be clinically insane. You might wanna hold out for someone a little more stable. 12 00:00:56,348 --> 00:00:58,782 Go ahead. Say something. 13 00:01:01,019 --> 00:01:03,954 Say, "Make me a match. " 14 00:01:08,293 --> 00:01:10,488 Bet you'd talk if I stuck a wick in your butt. 15 00:01:12,431 --> 00:01:15,889 Can you say, "Make me a candle"? 16 00:01:16,001 --> 00:01:17,969 Okay. Thanks for calling. Have a good day. Bye-bye. 17 00:01:18,070 --> 00:01:20,129 - Another personal call. - No. 18 00:01:20,238 --> 00:01:23,071 - Phone bills can be checked. - Whatever. 19 00:01:23,175 --> 00:01:26,303 I know it's traditional for labor to be at odds with management... 20 00:01:26,411 --> 00:01:29,744 but it really would be in your own best interest to lose the 'tude. 21 00:01:29,848 --> 00:01:33,340 - I don't have 'tude. - You do. You have 'tude. 22 00:01:33,452 --> 00:01:36,853 And while you may think I have no interest in your success here, I do. 23 00:01:36,955 --> 00:01:42,291 I'm the assistant manager. If you suck, it reflects on me. So stop sucking. 24 00:01:42,394 --> 00:01:44,658 I can't be here to cover for you indefinitely. 25 00:01:44,763 --> 00:01:48,392 - Cover for me? - I've been very lenient in my reports. 26 00:01:48,500 --> 00:01:53,301 Upper management thinks you're doing a much better job than you really are, so F.Y.I. 27 00:01:53,405 --> 00:01:55,873 And by "upper management," do you mean Peggy? 28 00:01:55,974 --> 00:01:59,933 - She thinks you're a model employee. - I am a model employee. 29 00:02:00,045 --> 00:02:04,812 Most really successful people are on a solid career track by the time they get to your age. 30 00:02:04,916 --> 00:02:08,317 - I'm 24. - It's never too late. 31 00:02:08,420 --> 00:02:11,048 If you buckle down now, show a little initiative... 32 00:02:11,156 --> 00:02:14,785 you can make sure there'll always be a place for you here at Wonderfalls. 33 00:02:14,893 --> 00:02:18,795 - Oh, God! - Don't you think it's time you started giving a little back? 34 00:02:18,897 --> 00:02:21,331 You have to contribute and stop taking. 35 00:02:21,433 --> 00:02:23,799 And in order to put in, you have to give back. 36 00:02:23,902 --> 00:02:27,861 Give it back to her. 37 00:02:44,356 --> 00:02:48,053 - Give it back to her. - Fine. Fine. I'm giving back. 38 00:02:48,160 --> 00:02:49,855 That's not giving. That's taking. 39 00:02:58,770 --> 00:03:03,673 Give what back to her? 40 00:03:03,775 --> 00:03:05,265 Oh. 41 00:03:09,548 --> 00:03:13,507 - Give it back to her. - I'm working on it. 42 00:03:15,887 --> 00:03:18,253 Got it. 43 00:03:18,356 --> 00:03:20,347 Where'd she go? 44 00:03:25,030 --> 00:03:27,021 Should I put this back? 45 00:03:27,132 --> 00:03:30,431 Might as well keep it. You can apply it toward the fine. 46 00:03:31,770 --> 00:03:34,204 Give it... back. 47 00:04:26,157 --> 00:04:30,685 - Is it rare or something? - 1998. Nope, just a quarter. 48 00:04:30,795 --> 00:04:33,161 - And you paid 50 bucks for it? - Yeah. 49 00:04:33,265 --> 00:04:35,927 Does that make me a loser? 50 00:04:36,034 --> 00:04:39,492 That just makes you eccentric. Living in a trailer park, however- 51 00:04:39,604 --> 00:04:42,937 Uh, some guy named Darryl. He wants to know if you're coming back to work. 52 00:04:43,041 --> 00:04:45,202 - Delete. - At least I own property. 53 00:04:45,310 --> 00:04:50,213 - Your property's on wheels. - A lot of good it's done. I'm still stuck here. 54 00:04:50,315 --> 00:04:52,306 Oh, wah. It's your mom again. 55 00:04:52,417 --> 00:04:54,476 Ooh, she is upset. 56 00:04:54,586 --> 00:04:58,488 "I've died a thousands deaths. " She said that. Those words. 57 00:04:58,590 --> 00:05:01,320 - Save. - Why are you making her check messages for you? 58 00:05:01,426 --> 00:05:04,224 It's less stressful if I don't have to hear the voices... 59 00:05:04,329 --> 00:05:06,490 - and I've decided they're not my messages anyway. - Whose are they? 60 00:05:06,598 --> 00:05:10,500 Some guy named Eric who came to Niagara for his honeymoon and caught his wife with a bellman. 61 00:05:10,602 --> 00:05:14,368 - You are that guy. - No, I'm not. I've moved on. I stopped wearing the ring. 62 00:05:14,472 --> 00:05:18,203 - You're still married. - Marriage is not the institution it used to be. 63 00:05:18,310 --> 00:05:21,074 I am utterly, totally, completely available right now... 64 00:05:21,179 --> 00:05:24,478 if, um, someone were to be interested. 65 00:05:24,583 --> 00:05:26,710 It's your wife. 66 00:05:26,818 --> 00:05:29,719 - Boy, she even sounds like a slut. - Save. 67 00:05:29,821 --> 00:05:32,688 So much for moving on. 68 00:05:32,791 --> 00:05:34,918 Call me back. 69 00:05:35,026 --> 00:05:37,221 Oh, my God! 70 00:05:39,831 --> 00:05:41,423 Oh, my God. 71 00:05:41,533 --> 00:05:43,364 - Are you mocking me? - No, I'm not. 72 00:05:43,468 --> 00:05:45,026 - Like you know who that is. - I don't. 73 00:05:45,136 --> 00:05:47,696 - Who is she? - It's Millie Marcus. 74 00:05:47,806 --> 00:05:50,104 That picture she's looking at? That's her. 75 00:06:00,852 --> 00:06:04,481 - Why's her picture on the wall? - Only because she was super famous. 76 00:06:04,589 --> 00:06:07,786 Millie Marcus was the first American woman to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel... 77 00:06:07,892 --> 00:06:10,861 - and live. - How does going over Niagara Falls... 78 00:06:10,962 --> 00:06:15,092 - in a barrel make anyone famous? - Because it's Niagara Falls. 79 00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:20,797 Where is your hometown pride? God, you really are like a Hobbit that hates the Shire. 80 00:06:20,905 --> 00:06:23,897 Hey. Give it back to her. 81 00:06:25,143 --> 00:06:27,634 I'm gonna get her autograph. 82 00:06:30,048 --> 00:06:32,539 - Millie Marcus. - Yes? 83 00:06:32,651 --> 00:06:35,279 You don't know me, and I'm pretty sure it can't be this simple... 84 00:06:35,387 --> 00:06:36,979 but I wanted to give you this. 85 00:06:37,088 --> 00:06:39,716 - It's yours. - Not the quarter. 86 00:06:41,493 --> 00:06:44,087 Right. So not the quarter. 87 00:06:44,195 --> 00:06:46,595 Miss Marcus. Hi. 88 00:06:46,698 --> 00:06:50,964 I'm a huge fan. My dad's been telling me about you all my life. 89 00:06:51,069 --> 00:06:53,299 He's the guy who fishes corpses out of the river. 90 00:06:53,405 --> 00:06:56,806 - Oh. - Could I get your autograph? 91 00:06:56,908 --> 00:07:00,139 You have any idea how long it's been since someone asked- 92 00:07:00,245 --> 00:07:02,907 Oh. Really, a napkin? 93 00:07:05,050 --> 00:07:08,349 - Or maybe this. - It's okay. She works here. 94 00:07:08,453 --> 00:07:11,684 - So, do you still live in Paris? - Yes. 95 00:07:11,790 --> 00:07:14,691 Wow. You just did that one little thing... 96 00:07:14,793 --> 00:07:17,159 and it got you out of here and all the way to France? 97 00:07:17,262 --> 00:07:21,756 Well, it wasn't exactly a little thing. That stunt nearly killed me. 98 00:07:21,866 --> 00:07:25,529 See? She was willing to kill herself to get out of here. 99 00:07:25,637 --> 00:07:29,266 But, all of my really precious memories were made here. 100 00:07:29,374 --> 00:07:33,777 And since there was nothing keeping me elsewhere, I- 101 00:07:33,878 --> 00:07:35,812 - No family or anything? - No. 102 00:07:35,914 --> 00:07:40,544 In a way, the public's always been my family. 103 00:07:40,652 --> 00:07:45,646 Of course, now that family's all grown up and left the nest and forgotten about old Millie. 104 00:07:45,757 --> 00:07:47,850 It's Mahandra with an "H." 105 00:07:47,959 --> 00:07:50,325 You know, it's worth more if I don't personalize it. 106 00:07:50,428 --> 00:07:54,728 - Not to me. - You like signing autographs, huh? 107 00:08:05,844 --> 00:08:08,404 Millie Marcus right here. 108 00:08:08,513 --> 00:08:12,176 First American woman to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel... 109 00:08:12,283 --> 00:08:13,978 and live. 110 00:08:16,521 --> 00:08:21,015 Why don't we move the table out on the courtyard? That way, more people can see me. 111 00:08:21,126 --> 00:08:23,492 They said you'd get a fine. 112 00:08:23,595 --> 00:08:29,227 My manager Hank used to have people lined up around the block waiting for my autograph. 113 00:08:29,334 --> 00:08:32,826 But he's probably dead, so I guess no one's coming. 114 00:08:34,339 --> 00:08:36,466 I appreciate that you're showing initiative... 115 00:08:36,574 --> 00:08:39,873 but you said she was gonna attract customers, not drive them away. 116 00:08:39,978 --> 00:08:43,072 - We still have customers. - Not in a 10-foot radius of that table. 117 00:08:43,181 --> 00:08:45,877 Why am I the only one talking to her? 118 00:08:45,984 --> 00:08:49,351 I don't wanna be the only one talking to her. She's not a pariah. 119 00:08:49,454 --> 00:08:52,582 - Maybe I should've told more people. - Did you tell anyone? 120 00:08:52,690 --> 00:08:55,181 Not really. 121 00:08:55,293 --> 00:08:57,693 This is so sad. 122 00:08:57,796 --> 00:09:00,094 This is sadder than that hooker we saw getting beat up by that other hooker. 123 00:09:00,198 --> 00:09:02,723 At least a hooker fight would draw a crowd. 124 00:09:05,937 --> 00:09:08,462 All right. Why are you doing this? 125 00:09:08,573 --> 00:09:12,373 - What do you mean? - You really expect me to believe you've just... 126 00:09:12,477 --> 00:09:15,207 spontaneously tapped into the magic that is Niagara? 127 00:09:15,313 --> 00:09:18,282 - Well- - Right. So, I'm forced to wonder... 128 00:09:18,383 --> 00:09:22,979 am I the target of your cruel buzz-kill, or are you trying to humiliate an old woman? 129 00:09:23,087 --> 00:09:27,615 I'm not trying to humiliate anyone... not intentionally. 130 00:09:27,725 --> 00:09:30,922 She said she liked signing autographs. What do you expect me to do? 131 00:09:31,029 --> 00:09:32,963 What you usually do, nothing. 132 00:09:33,064 --> 00:09:36,932 - I thought you'd like that I was showing an interest. - I would if I believed it. 133 00:09:38,636 --> 00:09:43,096 Okay. Well, the truth is... 134 00:09:43,208 --> 00:09:46,803 you made Millie seem so cool I just wanted to be her friend. 135 00:09:46,911 --> 00:09:50,813 And it's wrong that nobody knows who she is anymore and- 136 00:09:53,051 --> 00:09:57,351 Did you find everything okay? 137 00:09:57,455 --> 00:10:01,687 Yes. Thank you. Um, who's that woman over there? 138 00:10:01,793 --> 00:10:06,196 Millie Marcus. First American woman to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel. 139 00:10:06,297 --> 00:10:08,822 - And live. - Is it a book signing? 140 00:10:08,933 --> 00:10:11,527 - Photo signing. That's why the photos. - Oh. 141 00:10:11,636 --> 00:10:15,333 - There's no book? - No book. 142 00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:17,374 So Millie could be your coauthor... 143 00:10:17,475 --> 00:10:20,273 and the book could be a historical tour of Niagara Falls. 144 00:10:20,378 --> 00:10:23,347 I've already written a book on Niagara Falls, sweetheart. 145 00:10:23,448 --> 00:10:25,006 They sell it at the store where you work. 146 00:10:25,116 --> 00:10:29,553 - So, are we not going to the movies? - Don't be rude. Have some cake. 147 00:10:29,654 --> 00:10:31,815 Well, you could write a sequel. 148 00:10:31,923 --> 00:10:35,188 - There's no market for a sequel. - How can you be so sure? 149 00:10:35,293 --> 00:10:37,784 Your mother's a well-respected authoress. She'd know. 150 00:10:37,896 --> 00:10:40,490 I've read several of your travel guides, Mrs. Tyler. 151 00:10:40,598 --> 00:10:44,864 Do call me Karen, and I'd be more than happy to sign anything that you brought with you. 152 00:10:44,969 --> 00:10:48,769 Our son wanted to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel himself when he was a child. 153 00:10:48,873 --> 00:10:51,137 - We discouraged it, of course. - Yeah. 154 00:10:51,242 --> 00:10:54,211 Well, the book doesn't have to be all about Niagara Falls. 155 00:10:54,312 --> 00:10:58,248 - It could just be a section. - We're not talking about that anymore. There is no book. 156 00:10:58,349 --> 00:11:00,840 Our daughter seems quite taken with you, Millie. 157 00:11:00,952 --> 00:11:03,853 Do you always have this effect on young people? 158 00:11:03,955 --> 00:11:06,583 I suppose I did back in the day, but, I have to admit... 159 00:11:06,691 --> 00:11:11,560 it's been a long time since anyone took such an active interest. 160 00:11:14,032 --> 00:11:17,695 She accomplished a thing, okay? Hell, it got her out of here and all the way to Paris, France. 161 00:11:17,802 --> 00:11:21,499 And who could use the example of an American hero more than the French? 162 00:11:21,606 --> 00:11:24,598 - Oh, I'd hardly call myself a hero. - That's what you are. 163 00:11:24,709 --> 00:11:28,440 Your story embodies the pioneering spirit of innovation... 164 00:11:28,546 --> 00:11:31,174 that thrives in today's modern woman. 165 00:11:31,282 --> 00:11:34,911 Jaye's sister and I are both very active members of CLAW. 166 00:11:35,019 --> 00:11:38,580 Concerned Ladies of America West. East Coast branch. 167 00:11:38,690 --> 00:11:42,091 We've been promoting achievement and morality in family life... 168 00:11:42,193 --> 00:11:45,890 and public policies since- what- since you were 16? 169 00:11:48,333 --> 00:11:50,062 How do you live with yourself? 170 00:11:50,168 --> 00:11:53,934 The Concerned Ladies are always looking for inspirational speakers. 171 00:11:54,038 --> 00:11:57,769 Now-Now, they would be interested in Millie's story. Don't you think, Sharon? 172 00:11:57,875 --> 00:12:00,708 Yeah, don't the worried women have, like, bake sales or raffles? 173 00:12:00,812 --> 00:12:04,270 - They have fund-raisers all the time. - Millie could speak. 174 00:12:04,382 --> 00:12:08,318 Who better to talk to the scared chicks than the lady who did Niagara Falls in a barrel. 175 00:12:08,419 --> 00:12:10,387 Who better? Am I right? 176 00:12:10,488 --> 00:12:13,457 I like that idea. Sharon, you should do that. 177 00:12:23,668 --> 00:12:26,637 - Don't drop it. - That's good. To the left. 178 00:12:26,738 --> 00:12:29,206 - Eric. Eric, be careful. - Okay, now. Straighten it out. 179 00:12:29,307 --> 00:12:32,435 - Okay. - Oop. 180 00:12:32,543 --> 00:12:34,443 - I'm so sorry. - It's okay. 181 00:12:34,545 --> 00:12:38,003 - Thank you so much for all your help, Maureen. - Not a problem. 182 00:12:38,116 --> 00:12:40,448 Who's she? 183 00:12:40,551 --> 00:12:44,146 - No one. - Did you have sex with her? 184 00:12:44,255 --> 00:12:47,713 - No. - How long have you been using the Republican Party... 185 00:12:47,825 --> 00:12:50,794 - as a lesbian dating service? - What do you want? 186 00:12:50,895 --> 00:12:54,194 You should be thanking me. I hear it's gonna be quite the turnout. 187 00:12:54,298 --> 00:12:56,163 Oh. Then thank you. 188 00:12:56,267 --> 00:12:59,327 And thank you for all your help putting this fund-raiser together. 189 00:12:59,437 --> 00:13:01,928 Oh, that's right. You didn't help at all. 190 00:13:02,040 --> 00:13:04,941 I rescind my thank you. 191 00:13:05,043 --> 00:13:07,603 I have to pick up more name-badge holders. 192 00:13:07,712 --> 00:13:09,646 Are you gonna meet Maureen? 193 00:13:09,747 --> 00:13:13,478 - Turn it. - Wait. Wait! Eric! Eric! 194 00:13:13,651 --> 00:13:15,118 Oh. 195 00:13:21,059 --> 00:13:23,186 Oh. 196 00:13:23,294 --> 00:13:27,594 It's like seeing an old friend. I haven't laid eyes on this barrel... 197 00:13:27,698 --> 00:13:31,566 since I donated it to the Niagara History Museum in '69. 198 00:13:31,669 --> 00:13:36,003 I'm so moved. I didn't think anyone cared anymore about those days. 199 00:13:36,107 --> 00:13:38,041 I thought everybody'd forgotten. 200 00:13:38,142 --> 00:13:41,407 I haven't forgotten. I'll never forget. 201 00:13:41,512 --> 00:13:43,810 Oh, Lord. 202 00:13:43,915 --> 00:13:46,748 You stole my life, you bitch! 203 00:13:48,453 --> 00:13:50,580 Give it back to her. 204 00:13:55,860 --> 00:13:58,488 You've got some ovum coming back here. 205 00:13:58,596 --> 00:14:01,030 - Who's she? - She's nobody. 206 00:14:01,132 --> 00:14:04,192 - Just a crazy fan. - Lying cow. 207 00:14:04,302 --> 00:14:08,033 - She doesn't sound like a fan. - You probably thought I was dead. 208 00:14:08,139 --> 00:14:11,006 Hell, I prayed you were. Then I saw this. 209 00:14:11,109 --> 00:14:13,873 Watch it. You're talking to a genuine icon. 210 00:14:13,978 --> 00:14:16,003 She put the "con" in icon. 211 00:14:16,114 --> 00:14:18,082 - Security. - I can't toss out an old lady. 212 00:14:18,182 --> 00:14:20,844 - The four of us can take her. - Do you have a ticket? 213 00:14:20,952 --> 00:14:25,082 Do you think I wanna pay to listen to her lies? I paid enough already. 214 00:14:25,189 --> 00:14:28,158 - What lies? - Start with that one. 215 00:14:28,259 --> 00:14:30,227 Are you saying that's not Millie? 216 00:14:30,328 --> 00:14:33,661 Of course it's me. Who else could it be? Look at that smile. 217 00:14:33,764 --> 00:14:38,565 Oh, it's her. But anyone who really went over Niagara Falls... 218 00:14:38,669 --> 00:14:40,967 wouldn't be smiling like that. 219 00:14:43,674 --> 00:14:47,405 It's a honey of a ride. A hundred and 70 feet... 220 00:14:47,512 --> 00:14:50,072 straight down over razor-sharp rock. 221 00:14:50,181 --> 00:14:54,948 And before you get there, the current topsides enough to scramble your brains. 222 00:14:55,052 --> 00:14:58,783 Nobody goes through that and comes out grinnin'. 223 00:14:58,890 --> 00:15:00,949 Are you saying the barrel was empty? 224 00:15:01,058 --> 00:15:04,027 No, it wasn't empty. It was me. 225 00:15:04,128 --> 00:15:08,428 Uh, I don't think so. You're not buying this, are you? 226 00:15:08,533 --> 00:15:11,502 The biddy's postmodern. She's just trying to tear down a legend... 227 00:15:11,602 --> 00:15:14,230 like those... legend tearer downers. 228 00:15:14,338 --> 00:15:18,604 I was supposed to ride that barrel right out of this crummy town. 229 00:15:18,709 --> 00:15:20,643 And you never considered a bus? 230 00:15:20,745 --> 00:15:23,009 I was gonna see the world... 231 00:15:23,114 --> 00:15:27,414 but all I saw was the inside of a barrel and I couldn't even see that. 232 00:15:35,126 --> 00:15:38,152 Anything could've been waiting for me at the bottom. 233 00:15:38,262 --> 00:15:41,993 Could've been death. Could've been fame. 234 00:15:42,099 --> 00:15:46,433 - Instead, it was Hank. - Hank? 235 00:15:48,272 --> 00:15:52,265 My manager and fiancé. The bastard. 236 00:15:52,376 --> 00:15:56,779 I didn't know it at the time, but before I even went over the falls... 237 00:15:56,881 --> 00:15:59,475 Hank had sold me down the river. 238 00:16:18,236 --> 00:16:21,000 - Hank. I wonder what ever became of him? - He wrote me once. 239 00:16:21,105 --> 00:16:24,336 Thirty years ago. Told me how he dumped you. 240 00:16:24,442 --> 00:16:27,070 Oh, he said he dumped me? Ha, ha. Okay. 241 00:16:27,178 --> 00:16:29,874 That must've been right after I ditched him in Amsterdam. 242 00:16:29,981 --> 00:16:34,577 - So it's true? - Oh, could've been Belgium. It was a long time ago. 243 00:16:34,685 --> 00:16:36,585 You made a career out of what I did. 244 00:16:36,687 --> 00:16:38,985 Just exactly what did you do? 245 00:16:39,090 --> 00:16:41,923 You fell down. That took gravity, not skill. 246 00:16:42,026 --> 00:16:46,554 You didn't have the charisma to handle a world tour, and Hank knew that. 247 00:16:46,664 --> 00:16:49,997 That's why he chose me to do the really hard work. 248 00:16:50,101 --> 00:16:52,501 Oh, that barrel may have carried you... 249 00:16:52,603 --> 00:16:56,198 but I carried the barrel and the legend. 250 00:16:56,307 --> 00:16:59,504 - That barrel? - Mm-hmm. 251 00:16:59,610 --> 00:17:02,010 That's- That's on loan. 252 00:17:02,113 --> 00:17:06,015 Balsa. It's a fake. Just like her. 253 00:17:06,117 --> 00:17:10,053 The real one's in my yard back in Gastown. 254 00:17:10,154 --> 00:17:13,749 It is not a fake. It is a prop. 255 00:17:13,858 --> 00:17:18,261 Show business, dear. A concept you never could seem to grasp. 256 00:17:18,362 --> 00:17:22,059 I can't believe this. You're not even gonna pretend you're not a big fat liar? 257 00:17:22,166 --> 00:17:26,466 Hey, she's not... fat, and she's not a liar either. 258 00:17:26,570 --> 00:17:28,936 What about the part where she didn't go over Niagara Falls in a barrel? 259 00:17:29,040 --> 00:17:32,567 Don't worry about Vivian. She rants and she raves. Everybody thinks she's crazy. 260 00:17:32,677 --> 00:17:36,135 - But she's not crazy. - Well, she is if she thinks people want... 261 00:17:36,247 --> 00:17:39,978 the version of the story of the chunky girl going over the falls. 262 00:17:40,084 --> 00:17:43,383 - You are vile. - Oh, face it, Vivian. 263 00:17:43,487 --> 00:17:47,446 Nobody's gonna pay to see you. Not outside of a barrel anyway. 264 00:17:47,558 --> 00:17:49,651 Well, you're vile and you're evil. 265 00:17:49,760 --> 00:17:54,390 But I'm not wrong. Why don't you stay and find out? 266 00:17:54,498 --> 00:17:58,332 I'll even pay for your ticket and you can hear all about how I went over the falls. 267 00:17:58,436 --> 00:18:01,166 It's a thrilling tale. You'll feel just like you were there. 268 00:18:01,272 --> 00:18:04,298 And then, after the applause has died down... 269 00:18:04,408 --> 00:18:09,072 you can come up on that dais in that big ol' baggy shirt... 270 00:18:09,180 --> 00:18:12,980 and those men's trousers, and you can call me a liar. 271 00:18:13,084 --> 00:18:15,518 Let's just see what happens. 272 00:18:16,787 --> 00:18:18,687 You just go to hell. 273 00:18:22,893 --> 00:18:25,862 Oh, thank goodness. I was afraid that might get ugly. 274 00:18:25,963 --> 00:18:28,932 - You didn't think that was ugly? - It was a little unpleasant... 275 00:18:29,033 --> 00:18:32,332 - but the truth hurts sometimes. - The truth? 276 00:18:32,436 --> 00:18:34,802 What do you know about the truth? My God. 277 00:18:34,905 --> 00:18:38,170 How do you live with yourself?. But, then, you don't really, do you? 278 00:18:38,275 --> 00:18:41,438 Because you're not even you. And if you're not the person you say you are... 279 00:18:41,545 --> 00:18:44,173 then you spent 50 years being a nobody. 280 00:18:44,281 --> 00:18:48,240 And I'd rather be a nobody that's a somebody than a somebody that's a nobody. 281 00:18:48,352 --> 00:18:50,820 Or something. The point is, you suck. 282 00:18:53,124 --> 00:18:54,716 A nobody? 283 00:18:57,928 --> 00:19:01,227 Hey! Don't you run from me. 284 00:19:01,332 --> 00:19:04,859 Oh, I'm running all right. I'm running for justice. I'm gonna give- 285 00:19:04,969 --> 00:19:07,460 - What's her name? The old lady? - Millie? 286 00:19:07,571 --> 00:19:10,165 - No. The other one. - Vivian Caldwell? 287 00:19:10,274 --> 00:19:14,574 - Yeah. Viv. I'm giving her back what's rightfully hers. - There is no "rightfully" here. 288 00:19:14,678 --> 00:19:18,546 There is legend, and Millie is that legend, so you're not giving nothing to nobody. 289 00:19:18,649 --> 00:19:22,380 That's not Millie's legend. It's Viv's. Millie stole it. 290 00:19:22,486 --> 00:19:24,647 She's a stealer. We don't like stealers. 291 00:19:24,755 --> 00:19:27,656 You're in league with her. 292 00:19:27,758 --> 00:19:31,057 You're in league with Grandma Flannel. 293 00:19:31,162 --> 00:19:35,622 You are Grandma Flannel. Just add 40 years and a pair of orthopedic sneakers. 294 00:19:35,733 --> 00:19:37,758 - What? - You set Millie up. 295 00:19:37,868 --> 00:19:41,167 You'll stop at nothing to trash this place and pee on its history. 296 00:19:41,272 --> 00:19:45,072 Just think about what you're saying. I set something up. Me. 297 00:19:45,176 --> 00:19:47,406 Oh. Yeah. 298 00:19:47,511 --> 00:19:49,672 Okay. Then why are you doing this? 299 00:19:49,780 --> 00:19:53,181 - Flannel Granny justice. - And? 300 00:19:53,284 --> 00:19:57,186 There's no hidden agenda. 301 00:19:57,288 --> 00:20:00,587 - My agenda's in plain view. - Oh, no, no, no, it isn't. 302 00:20:00,691 --> 00:20:03,319 You've got something tucked away in your agenda hole. 303 00:20:03,427 --> 00:20:07,261 Hey, maybe I should just lob a can of tear gas down there and see what crawls out. 304 00:20:07,364 --> 00:20:11,596 - Oh, what kind of tear gas? - The kind that's gonna sting. 305 00:20:24,315 --> 00:20:28,115 I hope the Concerned Ladies aren't too angry that I canceled. 306 00:20:28,219 --> 00:20:30,517 But, can't risk it. Not with that loose cannon out there. 307 00:20:30,621 --> 00:20:32,589 I don't think Vivian'll be back. 308 00:20:32,690 --> 00:20:34,920 Mm-mmm. Not Vivian. That Jaye girl. 309 00:20:35,025 --> 00:20:37,789 You saw how she fell for Vivian's story. 310 00:20:37,895 --> 00:20:42,332 I'm sorry about how her life turned out. Truly, I am. 311 00:20:42,433 --> 00:20:45,231 But we're not talking about my fame... 312 00:20:45,336 --> 00:20:48,737 we're talking about Niagara's legacy. 313 00:20:48,839 --> 00:20:53,139 A legacy that I've been the guardian of now for half a century. 314 00:20:53,244 --> 00:20:56,372 I'm just supposed to stand idly by and watch them destroy that? 315 00:20:56,480 --> 00:20:59,278 - Hell, no. - Wow, that's impressive. 316 00:20:59,383 --> 00:21:02,147 You made ruining that poor woman's life actually sound kind of noble. 317 00:21:02,253 --> 00:21:06,553 It is noble. She's protecting the legend for future generations. 318 00:21:06,657 --> 00:21:10,115 - Ooh, I like that very much. - I mean, who wants to think... 319 00:21:10,227 --> 00:21:14,357 some unscrupulous publicity hound lied and slept her way into the history books? 320 00:21:14,465 --> 00:21:16,433 - Oh, wait- - That doesn't do anyone any good. 321 00:21:16,534 --> 00:21:18,434 But I'll tell you what does... 322 00:21:18,536 --> 00:21:20,936 the story of Millie Marcus and her barrel. 323 00:21:21,038 --> 00:21:23,131 It is sort of the quintessential American tale. 324 00:21:23,240 --> 00:21:27,370 Yes. Exactly. It teaches us there's nothing a person can't do. 325 00:21:27,478 --> 00:21:29,969 Or nothing a person actually has to do. I mean, look at her. 326 00:21:30,080 --> 00:21:34,540 She's 100% fabrication. She decided what she wanted to be and damn the facts. 327 00:21:34,652 --> 00:21:36,620 You don't get much more American than that. 328 00:21:36,720 --> 00:21:41,020 You see there? You see what an inspiration you are? 329 00:21:41,125 --> 00:21:43,753 You can't hide your barrel under a bushel. 330 00:21:43,861 --> 00:21:46,659 You have to go on that tour. You just have to. 331 00:21:46,764 --> 00:21:50,962 Well, how can I when inspiration could so easily turn to scandal? 332 00:22:08,652 --> 00:22:10,882 What do you want? 333 00:22:10,988 --> 00:22:13,422 I want to help you get back what's yours. 334 00:22:26,770 --> 00:22:30,399 - Hello. - Don't you feel inspired? 335 00:22:30,507 --> 00:22:33,476 - Who is this? - It's me. 336 00:22:33,577 --> 00:22:36,876 Wait. You answered that other Eric's phone. 337 00:22:36,981 --> 00:22:40,781 Is this progress or did you fall off the wagon? 338 00:22:40,884 --> 00:22:43,512 I don't know. It said unavailable. I thought it might've been Jaye. 339 00:22:43,621 --> 00:22:46,749 Huh. You got that right. No, no, no. Wait, wait. This is progress. 340 00:22:46,857 --> 00:22:50,088 Would you have picked it up if you thought it might have been anybody else? 341 00:22:50,194 --> 00:22:53,095 Uh-uh. 342 00:22:53,197 --> 00:22:58,760 Oh. See? You're not that other Eric anymore. 343 00:22:58,869 --> 00:23:02,862 You have moved on. You've started over here in Niagara Falls. 344 00:23:02,973 --> 00:23:05,965 Magical land of the possible. Your eye on a new lady. 345 00:23:06,076 --> 00:23:09,807 - Huh? - Heidi chose Niagara Falls. 346 00:23:09,913 --> 00:23:13,246 Whatever. Point is, you are new baptized in enchanted waters. 347 00:23:13,350 --> 00:23:15,875 I am new baptized. 348 00:23:15,986 --> 00:23:19,251 Now, on the subject of Jaye, we need to call her bluff. 349 00:23:19,356 --> 00:23:23,816 - Is there a bluff to be called? - Poor, naive Eric. 350 00:23:23,927 --> 00:23:26,896 You're so sweet. Yes, there's a bluff. 351 00:23:26,997 --> 00:23:29,795 There may be bluffs. I don't know. But I do know this. 352 00:23:29,900 --> 00:23:32,368 Jaye Tyler doesn't like old ladies. 353 00:23:32,469 --> 00:23:35,131 They scare her. It all goes back to Hansel and Gretel. 354 00:23:35,239 --> 00:23:37,867 - Well, she seemed to like that other one. - Mm-mmm. Seemed to. 355 00:23:37,975 --> 00:23:41,706 But she doesn't. Now, don't get me wrong. She's a lovely human being. 356 00:23:41,812 --> 00:23:44,576 But she's up to something. We may all be in danger. 357 00:23:44,682 --> 00:23:48,675 Okay. Maybe not danger, but she is up to something. 358 00:23:48,786 --> 00:23:50,913 Is it that she's up to something or is it that... 359 00:23:51,021 --> 00:23:53,421 she's up to something and won't tell you what it is? 360 00:23:53,524 --> 00:23:55,754 Uh-huh. Can you get a truck? 361 00:23:57,461 --> 00:24:02,592 She's right. Nobody wants to see a movie starring the ugly girl. 362 00:24:02,700 --> 00:24:05,498 But you are the star. You have a picture. 363 00:24:05,602 --> 00:24:08,366 You have a picture of you with the barrel, and you have the barrel. 364 00:24:08,472 --> 00:24:10,303 Why don't we just tell everybody? 365 00:24:10,407 --> 00:24:13,376 Every person in town saw Millie Marcus crawl out of that barrel. 366 00:24:13,477 --> 00:24:17,971 She's a star. She'll always be the star. Hank saw to that. 367 00:24:19,349 --> 00:24:23,183 - You got screwed. - I got screwed. 368 00:24:23,287 --> 00:24:25,585 But just 'cause she biddy-slapped you doesn't mean you have to quit. 369 00:24:25,689 --> 00:24:29,352 That barrel is a symbol of what you accomplished and what you can accomplish. 370 00:24:29,460 --> 00:24:33,624 And no one can take that away from you. 371 00:24:33,731 --> 00:24:38,168 Watch your step. 372 00:24:39,670 --> 00:24:43,037 - All right. Easy. Over. Over. - What are you doing? 373 00:24:43,140 --> 00:24:46,234 - Protecting history. - You're drunk. 374 00:24:46,343 --> 00:24:48,072 And you're a nihilist. 375 00:24:48,178 --> 00:24:50,544 Why don't you run and get a Bible and a copy of the Constitution... 376 00:24:50,647 --> 00:24:53,275 - and tear those up too while you're at it. - Oh, stop it! 377 00:24:53,383 --> 00:24:56,375 Oh, you'd love that, wouldn't you? You'd love it if I just stepped aside... 378 00:24:56,487 --> 00:25:00,947 and allowed you to destroy one life after another with your truth-covered lie. 379 00:25:01,058 --> 00:25:04,323 You may have started this little geriatric war, but I'm gonna finish it. 380 00:25:04,428 --> 00:25:08,387 What-What war? Eric, why are you helping? What's gotten into you? 381 00:25:08,499 --> 00:25:12,026 Please don't ask me any questions. I'm really not sure what's happening. 382 00:25:12,136 --> 00:25:16,004 - They're taking your barrel. - Oh, so what. 383 00:25:16,106 --> 00:25:20,338 You can steal every barrel in Niagara Falls. Won't make her life any less a lie. 384 00:25:20,444 --> 00:25:23,709 - Not if nobody ever knows about it. - The two people that matter know. 385 00:25:23,814 --> 00:25:26,374 The lady that did a thing and the lady that didn't. 386 00:25:26,483 --> 00:25:31,546 That's right, you old skank. You go ahead and you take that barrel. 387 00:25:31,655 --> 00:25:37,025 Take it to your grave. Live some more of your lie and get buried in it. 388 00:25:37,127 --> 00:25:40,187 Hey, you come back here. My life is not a lie. 389 00:25:40,297 --> 00:25:43,266 Oh, yes it is. And nothing you can ever do... 390 00:25:43,367 --> 00:25:46,461 will change the fact that you never went over Niagara Falls. 391 00:25:46,570 --> 00:25:50,028 There's one thing I can do. 392 00:25:52,075 --> 00:25:56,409 Take me to the falls. I'm goin' over. 393 00:25:56,513 --> 00:25:59,573 Hit it, Eric. 394 00:25:59,683 --> 00:26:02,481 Ow! 395 00:26:04,354 --> 00:26:06,754 Now that's just nuts. 396 00:26:09,793 --> 00:26:12,125 Are we still calling the bluff?. Did we leave a message? 397 00:26:12,229 --> 00:26:15,960 This can end anytime Jaye wants. She needs to true confess... 398 00:26:16,066 --> 00:26:20,025 - and come correct. - Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. 399 00:26:20,137 --> 00:26:22,731 Wait. 400 00:26:22,840 --> 00:26:24,501 Okay. 401 00:26:24,608 --> 00:26:27,475 Millie Marcus. Legend. Icon. 402 00:26:27,578 --> 00:26:30,138 Daredevil in a one-piece. 403 00:26:30,247 --> 00:26:32,681 She returns to the magical- Whoa! 404 00:26:35,052 --> 00:26:39,113 Returns to the magical land of Niagara to make history once again. 405 00:26:39,223 --> 00:26:42,192 - You have to videotape this? You could be recording evidence. - Recording history. 406 00:26:42,292 --> 00:26:44,157 History that's admissible in court. 407 00:26:44,261 --> 00:26:48,391 You can see everything from up here. See, that's where I hid. 408 00:26:48,498 --> 00:26:51,797 That's where they pulled Vivian ashore and we switched places. 409 00:26:51,902 --> 00:26:55,201 Nobody down there saw a thing. 410 00:26:55,305 --> 00:26:59,765 - We had 'em all skunked. - Okay. I'm just gonna erase that part. 411 00:26:59,877 --> 00:27:01,504 - Okay. I have an idea. - Mm? 412 00:27:01,612 --> 00:27:04,308 You'll videotape her getting into the barrel, and we'll stop the camera... 413 00:27:04,414 --> 00:27:07,212 pull her out of the barrel, and you'll videotape the barrel going over the falls... 414 00:27:07,317 --> 00:27:10,013 - and it'll look like she did it. - But that'd be a lie. 415 00:27:10,120 --> 00:27:12,418 What's wrong with that? A lie's worked great for you for 50 years. 416 00:27:12,522 --> 00:27:16,652 What happened to not having to do a thing to be a thing? Deciding you were that thing? 417 00:27:16,760 --> 00:27:19,729 Ultimately, it's dishonest. I think it's called "fraud. " 418 00:27:19,830 --> 00:27:24,961 - And I'm no fraud. - At least you won't be shortly. 419 00:27:25,068 --> 00:27:28,401 - Back up the truck. - You can't change the past. 420 00:27:28,505 --> 00:27:32,669 Yes, it will. If it's true tomorrow, it'll be just as true 50 years ago. 421 00:27:32,776 --> 00:27:35,212 We're reverse-engineering history. 422 00:27:35,512 --> 00:27:39,573 - How far? - Keep going. I'm sure something will look familiar. 423 00:27:39,683 --> 00:27:43,084 You could be a little more helpful. A woman is about to die. 424 00:27:43,186 --> 00:27:46,815 - She might not. - Don't you care about anything? 425 00:27:46,924 --> 00:27:50,519 Don't you even care that the only proof of what you did was just stolen? 426 00:27:50,627 --> 00:27:53,926 It's destiny. Nobody was meant to know the truth... 427 00:27:54,031 --> 00:27:56,431 and I was meant to be stuck here all my life. 428 00:27:56,533 --> 00:28:00,594 You sure it's destiny? It could just be you're lazy. 429 00:28:00,704 --> 00:28:04,663 Do you think a lazy person would have the gumption to go over the falls? 430 00:28:04,775 --> 00:28:08,233 Kinda. If they thought that's all they had to do for the rest of their life. 431 00:28:08,345 --> 00:28:10,643 - Beats work. - I risked death. 432 00:28:10,747 --> 00:28:14,774 To avoid work. So I'm thinking kind of a role model for lazy. 433 00:28:14,885 --> 00:28:18,048 - I mean, what have you done since? - I was wronged. 434 00:28:18,155 --> 00:28:20,680 Boo-hoo. We all have troubles. 435 00:28:20,791 --> 00:28:23,692 Hell, look at me. I'm already 24, and I've never done anything. 436 00:28:23,794 --> 00:28:27,423 I have a worthless philosophy degree that's gotten me no further... 437 00:28:27,531 --> 00:28:29,897 than a dead-end retail job working for a mouth-breather... 438 00:28:30,000 --> 00:28:32,560 so I can continue to support my trailer-park lifestyle. 439 00:28:32,669 --> 00:28:34,899 You think I sit around feeling sorry for myself? 440 00:28:35,005 --> 00:28:36,905 God, I would if I were you. 441 00:28:37,007 --> 00:28:40,135 - Well, you're not me. - You're right. 442 00:28:40,243 --> 00:28:43,371 I'm not you. Actually, you're me. 443 00:28:43,480 --> 00:28:45,141 Not even. 444 00:28:45,248 --> 00:28:47,876 I can see exactly where your life's going... 445 00:28:47,985 --> 00:28:50,112 which would be nowhere just like mine. 446 00:28:50,220 --> 00:28:54,714 The current of life rushing by and you're stuck up on some old log. 447 00:28:54,825 --> 00:29:00,286 The current pounds and pounds and grinds you down till you're a tiny little stuck nub. 448 00:29:00,397 --> 00:29:05,926 - I'm living proof of that. - You may be nubby, but I'm not stuck. 449 00:29:06,036 --> 00:29:08,004 - Oh, you're stuck. - I'm not stuck. 450 00:29:08,105 --> 00:29:09,970 - So stuck. - Am not. 451 00:29:26,123 --> 00:29:27,920 Shut up. 452 00:29:28,025 --> 00:29:30,653 Jaye isn't coming. You have to stop this. 453 00:29:30,761 --> 00:29:32,661 Not till she cries Uncle Chicken. 454 00:29:32,763 --> 00:29:35,732 - Maybe you should cry Uncle Chicken. - You are a buzz-kill. 455 00:29:35,832 --> 00:29:39,632 Shut your whiskey hole, buzz-kill. Girlie, turn on that camera. 456 00:29:39,736 --> 00:29:43,194 This message is for a certain bitter old hag. 457 00:29:43,306 --> 00:29:45,331 Jaye, I hope you're paying attention. 458 00:29:45,442 --> 00:29:51,074 Uh, Vivian Caldwell, I stole your barrel just like I stole your man. 459 00:29:51,181 --> 00:29:54,480 Call my life a lie, do you? Well, I'll show you. 460 00:29:54,584 --> 00:30:00,113 After tonight there won't be anything about Millie Marcus that can be called a lie. 461 00:30:00,223 --> 00:30:03,192 Are you vaguely aware of how old you are right now? 462 00:30:03,293 --> 00:30:05,921 Oh, shut up. 463 00:30:06,029 --> 00:30:09,157 Yes, not only will I be the first American woman... 464 00:30:09,266 --> 00:30:11,894 ever to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel. 465 00:30:12,002 --> 00:30:14,971 I will be the first one ever to do it twice. 466 00:30:15,072 --> 00:30:17,006 - You didn't do it the first time. - Oh, right. 467 00:30:17,107 --> 00:30:21,567 Well, then, I'll be the first- I'll be the oldest... 468 00:30:21,678 --> 00:30:24,476 American woman ever to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel. 469 00:30:24,581 --> 00:30:27,243 You do think I'll be the oldest? 470 00:30:27,350 --> 00:30:29,978 - Okay, then. - Can we at least wait until sunrise? 471 00:30:30,087 --> 00:30:33,022 It being nighttime could really hamper a rescue effort. 472 00:30:33,123 --> 00:30:36,752 No one in their right mind is gonna let us get away with this in broad daylight. 473 00:30:36,860 --> 00:30:41,854 Miss Marcus, you're already an inspiration. What's this really gonna change? 474 00:30:44,501 --> 00:30:46,799 Everything. 475 00:30:48,238 --> 00:30:50,706 It changes everything. 476 00:30:53,877 --> 00:30:57,938 This isn't destiny. It's not supposed to happen this way. 477 00:30:58,048 --> 00:31:00,346 If Millie goes over, she dies. 478 00:31:00,450 --> 00:31:03,908 Mahandra's committed and eventually sobers up. 479 00:31:04,020 --> 00:31:09,117 Eric goes to jail where he finally meets someone nice and sane. 480 00:31:09,226 --> 00:31:12,855 Maybe it is supposed to happen this way. 481 00:31:12,963 --> 00:31:16,296 No, it can't. Can it? 482 00:31:16,399 --> 00:31:19,027 Come on, honey. Just accept it. It's too late. 483 00:31:19,136 --> 00:31:22,367 You ain't ever gonna get your car out of this metaphor in time. 484 00:31:22,472 --> 00:31:25,441 It's a mud pit, not a metaphor. 485 00:31:25,542 --> 00:31:29,000 This car may be stuck, but I'm not stuck. 486 00:31:29,112 --> 00:31:32,411 - I can leave anytime I want. - Then why don't you? 487 00:31:32,516 --> 00:31:37,977 I have work responsibilities and family obligations. 488 00:31:38,088 --> 00:31:42,286 I can't just- Okay, I may be a little stuck. 489 00:31:42,392 --> 00:31:46,886 Some folks are just fated to be stuck. I'm living proof of that. 490 00:31:46,997 --> 00:31:49,966 Fine. Whatever. You're living proof. I'm living proof. 491 00:31:50,066 --> 00:31:54,264 - Everyone's just living proof. - Millie Marcus ain't. 492 00:31:54,371 --> 00:31:59,070 She ain't living proof of anything. Not anymore. 493 00:32:00,744 --> 00:32:03,269 Oh, my God. 494 00:32:06,283 --> 00:32:10,083 - Oh, my God. She did it. - Told you it was too late. 495 00:32:40,717 --> 00:32:44,551 I could call my sister for you. You'll probably need a lawyer. 496 00:32:44,654 --> 00:32:46,554 Your sister's an immigration attorney. 497 00:32:46,656 --> 00:32:49,989 - You might want to think about leaving the country. - We'll pay for the barrel. 498 00:32:50,093 --> 00:32:52,891 Okay? It was an accident. At least, I think it was. 499 00:32:52,996 --> 00:32:55,624 It was. It slipped. 500 00:32:55,732 --> 00:32:58,394 Then it kind of bounced and rolled. Then it sort of plummeted. 501 00:32:58,501 --> 00:33:00,799 - Oh, God. - Did she have any last words? 502 00:33:00,904 --> 00:33:03,532 Yeah. "Screw this. I'm going home. " 503 00:33:03,640 --> 00:33:06,973 - What? - But then she decided to come here instead. 504 00:33:07,077 --> 00:33:09,739 - She's here? - In my house? 505 00:33:09,846 --> 00:33:13,509 Mm-hmm. She said her butt was too bony to wait on the stairs. 506 00:33:15,352 --> 00:33:18,651 I am a bitch. 507 00:33:18,755 --> 00:33:21,485 Oh, my God. I'm such a bitch. 508 00:33:21,591 --> 00:33:24,651 Oh, am I ever a bitch. 509 00:33:26,296 --> 00:33:30,062 - I'm a bitch. - You're just now realizing this? 510 00:33:30,166 --> 00:33:34,125 I stood up there and I looked down... 511 00:33:36,172 --> 00:33:38,037 and I realized what you did. 512 00:33:38,141 --> 00:33:41,668 Something I could never have the guts to do. 513 00:33:41,778 --> 00:33:44,246 Hell, I can't even get on an escalator. 514 00:33:44,347 --> 00:33:46,838 What made me think I could jump the falls? 515 00:33:46,950 --> 00:33:50,386 - A bottle of merlot. - You were right. 516 00:33:50,487 --> 00:33:54,947 It was a lie. Every handshake. Every autograph. 517 00:33:55,058 --> 00:33:58,892 Every speech. My whole life a lie. 518 00:33:58,995 --> 00:34:03,091 - Least you had a life. - Oh, yes. I had yours. 519 00:34:04,834 --> 00:34:08,031 I wanna give it back to you. The Concerned Ladies... 520 00:34:08,138 --> 00:34:12,598 are willing to spring for a national "Back in the Barrel" summer tour. 521 00:34:12,709 --> 00:34:15,303 All expenses paid. I wanna take you with me. 522 00:34:17,013 --> 00:34:21,507 I wanna tell the world that it was Vivian Caldwell who's the real hero. 523 00:34:21,618 --> 00:34:26,282 The first American woman brave enough to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel. 524 00:34:26,389 --> 00:34:29,984 - And live. - Oh, please, let me make this right. 525 00:34:30,093 --> 00:34:32,618 - A little late, isn't it? - Oh, God, no. No. 526 00:34:32,729 --> 00:34:35,926 Standing up there I realized something. 527 00:34:36,032 --> 00:34:38,830 - You're a bitch. - Oh, sure. That. 528 00:34:38,935 --> 00:34:43,235 No. I realized that it's not too late. 529 00:34:44,741 --> 00:34:48,472 It's not too late. It's not too late to come clean. 530 00:34:48,578 --> 00:34:51,479 It's not too late to change things. 531 00:34:51,581 --> 00:34:55,039 Oh, don't you see? It's never too- 532 00:35:06,796 --> 00:35:10,163 I think she's dead. 533 00:35:10,300 --> 00:35:13,394 ** 534 00:35:20,610 --> 00:35:22,908 How did you arrange all this? 535 00:35:23,012 --> 00:35:25,480 Her purse was full of traveler's checks. 536 00:35:25,582 --> 00:35:31,043 - Isn't that illegal? - Probably the least illegal thing we're doing right now. 537 00:35:31,154 --> 00:35:35,488 - Be quiet. - We have come here today to pay our respects... 538 00:35:35,592 --> 00:35:38,823 to a woman who touched all of us. 539 00:35:38,928 --> 00:35:41,726 We've all felt her love, her smile... 540 00:35:41,831 --> 00:35:44,322 her words of comfort in times of need. 541 00:35:44,434 --> 00:35:49,371 Not me personally, of course, but many people did. 542 00:35:49,472 --> 00:35:53,408 So let us celebrate Vivian Caldwell. 543 00:35:53,510 --> 00:35:56,877 Gone too soon. Too soon. 544 00:35:56,980 --> 00:35:59,778 I would now like to read Psalm 30- 545 00:36:05,488 --> 00:36:07,649 That everything? 546 00:36:11,094 --> 00:36:13,028 I don't wanna die alone and friendless. 547 00:36:13,129 --> 00:36:16,030 Screeching my final testimony into a video camera. 548 00:36:16,132 --> 00:36:19,260 Uh, all right. 549 00:36:19,369 --> 00:36:23,169 I'm sorry I went crazy. But I think I know why it happened. 550 00:36:23,273 --> 00:36:25,400 You drove me there. 551 00:36:25,508 --> 00:36:30,309 - I made you crazy? - Well, it started with all the mumbling. 552 00:36:30,413 --> 00:36:33,041 And then this obsession with consciousness and why things talk. 553 00:36:33,149 --> 00:36:37,950 I mean, I know you have a philosophy degree, but, I mean, come on. 554 00:36:38,054 --> 00:36:40,522 A- And all these random acts of kindness? 555 00:36:40,623 --> 00:36:42,614 Are you feeling guilty about something? 556 00:36:42,725 --> 00:36:45,694 No. Well- 557 00:36:45,795 --> 00:36:49,697 - No. - So there is something? 558 00:36:49,799 --> 00:36:52,768 I don't know. I think so. 559 00:36:52,869 --> 00:36:54,769 I don't think it's just in my head. 560 00:36:54,871 --> 00:36:58,204 I hope it's not just in my head. Or would that be a good thing? 561 00:36:58,308 --> 00:37:01,937 I don't know because you won't tell me what it is. 562 00:37:02,045 --> 00:37:05,105 - And that makes me sad. - And crazy? 563 00:37:05,215 --> 00:37:07,149 Yes, and crazy. 564 00:37:10,220 --> 00:37:13,621 Jaye, you used to tell me everything. 565 00:37:15,091 --> 00:37:18,720 Okay. Okay. 566 00:37:20,663 --> 00:37:24,997 Remember when I told you about that little smooshed-face wax lion that talked to me? 567 00:37:25,101 --> 00:37:29,231 I didn't make that up. It spoke. 568 00:37:29,339 --> 00:37:31,967 And it's not alone. 569 00:37:32,075 --> 00:37:37,377 Animals with faces that aren't really alive talk to me and tell me to do things. 570 00:37:37,480 --> 00:37:41,678 It's very confusing, and I don't always understand. 571 00:37:43,486 --> 00:37:46,819 So whenever you're ready to tell me the truth, I'm here to listen. 572 00:37:48,358 --> 00:37:50,519 I appreciate that. 573 00:37:52,762 --> 00:37:54,855 Oh, my God. 574 00:37:59,035 --> 00:38:01,299 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 575 00:38:01,404 --> 00:38:05,636 - It's just you look so much like her. - Oh, sweetheart. None of that. 576 00:38:05,742 --> 00:38:10,008 As long as you remember her, she'll always be with you. 577 00:38:10,113 --> 00:38:12,343 In fact, here she is. 578 00:38:15,218 --> 00:38:19,314 - Okay, gross. - So now I know what it's like to be Millie. 579 00:38:19,422 --> 00:38:23,552 - Because you're wearing her clothes? - Because I feel like a fraud. 580 00:38:23,660 --> 00:38:28,859 One of life's little ironies is that you have to continue Millie's lie to tell the truth. 581 00:38:28,965 --> 00:38:33,231 I never said it was a perfect plan, but at least it'll be you up on those podiums... 582 00:38:33,336 --> 00:38:35,964 getting the accolades and signing the autographs. 583 00:38:36,072 --> 00:38:39,041 - I still have to sign her name. - 'Fraid so. 584 00:38:40,743 --> 00:38:44,509 - Sorry to interrupt. Miss Marcus? - That's me. 585 00:38:44,614 --> 00:38:47,742 We better get going if you don't wanna miss your flight. 586 00:38:47,850 --> 00:38:52,310 And can I just say it's an honor driving you. 587 00:38:52,422 --> 00:38:55,823 My Great-aunt Esther was actually there the day you went over the falls. 588 00:38:55,925 --> 00:38:59,156 She talked about it all the time. You were a huge inspiration to her. 589 00:38:59,262 --> 00:39:01,890 Well, thank you, dear. Do call me Millie. 590 00:39:04,634 --> 00:39:06,693 See? Nobody's stuck. 591 00:39:06,803 --> 00:39:10,432 You're not living proof anymore. I destroyed the evidence. 592 00:39:10,540 --> 00:39:15,204 Maybe that lying old cow was right. Maybe it really is never too late. 593 00:39:15,311 --> 00:39:17,836 Except in her case, it kinda was. 594 00:39:17,947 --> 00:39:19,915 Poor bitch. 595 00:39:21,451 --> 00:39:24,887 - Can I maybe get your autograph? - Yes, dear. 596 00:39:28,191 --> 00:39:31,126 Crap. Let me do that again. 597 00:39:48,578 --> 00:39:50,546 Murderer. 598 00:39:53,750 --> 00:39:56,715 At least I gave it back to her, right? 599 00:39:56,819 --> 00:40:00,778 Well, not her, but the other her. That's who you had in mind, right? 600 00:40:00,890 --> 00:40:05,850 You know, things would be a lot easier if you were clearer with your pronouns. 601 00:40:05,962 --> 00:40:08,260 It's never too late. 602 00:40:22,412 --> 00:40:27,042 - Wanna start? - Um, okay. Yeah. 603 00:40:27,150 --> 00:40:29,778 I'd just like to say... 604 00:40:29,886 --> 00:40:33,982 Millie Marcus taught me that what's most important in life is to be yourself. 605 00:40:34,090 --> 00:40:36,285 Even if you have to be somebody else to do it. 606 00:40:36,392 --> 00:40:39,691 So, from here on out, you can just call me Eric. 607 00:40:39,796 --> 00:40:42,924 - But, like, with a "Q' or something? - Nope. Just me. 608 00:40:43,032 --> 00:40:46,331 I figure it's not so terrible being Eric. The Now Eric, I mean. 609 00:40:46,436 --> 00:40:49,030 Then Eric was sad. But Then Eric was then. I'm Now Eric. 610 00:40:50,373 --> 00:40:53,433 And don't laugh, but I kinda like it here. 611 00:40:53,543 --> 00:40:57,843 I like The Barrel. I like slinging cocktails. 612 00:40:57,947 --> 00:41:02,384 I like Niagara Falls... and I like you. 613 00:41:04,087 --> 00:41:07,022 - I'm not laughing. - That's a start. 614 00:41:07,123 --> 00:41:09,785 Maybe it is. 615 00:41:13,329 --> 00:41:16,492 - And here's an ending. - What are you doing? 616 00:41:16,599 --> 00:41:19,159 This phone belongs to Then Eric, so it's going away. 617 00:41:19,268 --> 00:41:21,702 Oh, my God. 618 00:41:21,804 --> 00:41:24,932 Okay. Here goes. 619 00:41:25,041 --> 00:41:27,509 Good-bye to the old life. 620 00:41:44,193 --> 00:41:46,093 I'm sure they'll call back. 621 00:41:48,965 --> 00:41:51,991 - Yeah. - All right. My turn. 622 00:41:53,703 --> 00:41:56,866 We're gathered here today to say good-bye not only to Then Eric... 623 00:41:56,973 --> 00:41:59,066 but to our friend Millie. 624 00:41:59,175 --> 00:42:01,643 Or most of her, at any rate. 625 00:42:01,744 --> 00:42:04,542 Some of her got on the cash register. 626 00:42:04,647 --> 00:42:08,913 But, hopefully, it wasn't anything important. Just like an elbow or something. 627 00:42:09,018 --> 00:42:12,818 She was a- 628 00:42:12,922 --> 00:42:16,858 She may have been a liar, but she'll always be a legend. 629 00:42:16,959 --> 00:42:21,259 She lived her life claiming she went over Niagara Falls in a barrel. 630 00:42:21,364 --> 00:42:24,424 Now nobody will ever be able to say different. 631 00:42:36,279 --> 00:42:38,213 And so history is preserved. 632 00:42:38,314 --> 00:42:41,477 And a legend continues. 633 00:42:46,055 --> 00:42:48,046 Oh, crap! 634 00:42:48,157 --> 00:42:53,117 Littering, $250 fine. Just need your autograph. 635 00:43:31,100 --> 00:43:33,000 Get the ball, Bud.