1 00:00:39,106 --> 00:00:44,101 I got some frightful pressure from the American ambassador at that drinkies do last night. 2 00:00:44,267 --> 00:00:47,656 - Ah. - They'd heard about my cancelling Trident. 3 00:00:47,826 --> 00:00:49,419 Ah. 4 00:00:49,586 --> 00:00:53,579 The American defence industries are big contributors to the President. 5 00:00:53,747 --> 00:00:58,457 - Ah. - He said we had a big problem in East Yemen. 6 00:00:58,626 --> 00:01:00,583 Ah? 7 00:01:00,787 --> 00:01:05,177 Stop saying ''ah'' like that, Bernard. I'm not your doctor. 8 00:01:06,507 --> 00:01:09,384 - I'm sorry. - What is this big problem? 9 00:01:09,585 --> 00:01:11,542 Ah... 10 00:01:11,746 --> 00:01:14,739 - Thank you, Bernard. - I'll try to find out. 11 00:01:14,906 --> 00:01:19,183 - He muttered about St George's Island. - St George's Island? 12 00:01:19,385 --> 00:01:24,335 - Yes. There IS a St George's Island? - Yes, it's in the Commonwealth. 13 00:01:24,546 --> 00:01:27,344 Ah, I see, yes. THAT St George's Island. 14 00:01:27,507 --> 00:01:33,025 - He's afraid Communists might try to grab it. - What did you say? 15 00:01:33,227 --> 00:01:36,218 - I'd ask the Foreign Office. - What did he say? 16 00:01:36,385 --> 00:01:40,096 The White House thinks the Foreign Office is full of pinkos. 17 00:01:40,307 --> 00:01:43,298 No, it's not. Well, not full. 18 00:01:43,466 --> 00:01:48,063 They don't want the Reds to get a strategic base like St George's Island. 19 00:01:48,227 --> 00:01:53,221 He spoke about putting tariffs on British exports to the USA and taxing US investment, 20 00:01:53,385 --> 00:01:55,537 causing a run on the pound. 21 00:01:55,746 --> 00:02:00,865 Can't you get the Foreign Secretary to sort it out? After all, they are on our side. 22 00:02:01,066 --> 00:02:03,260 - Who are? - The Americans. 23 00:02:03,466 --> 00:02:06,264 I thought you meant the Foreign Office. 24 00:02:07,266 --> 00:02:12,259 What's the Foreign Office worried about, Dick? The Foreign Secretary eats out of your hand. 25 00:02:12,425 --> 00:02:15,781 - Oh, yes. Completely house-trained. - So? 26 00:02:15,986 --> 00:02:21,697 The Prime Minister's the problem. He's starting to mistrust our advice. 27 00:02:21,905 --> 00:02:26,740 - He even questioned Foreign Office policy. - Surely not! 28 00:02:26,945 --> 00:02:30,575 There's even a danger the Cabinet may pursue its own foreign policy. 29 00:02:30,786 --> 00:02:34,903 But that's absurd. The country can't have two foreign policies! 30 00:02:35,105 --> 00:02:39,622 Quite. And the PM's getting far too keen on keeping the White House happy. 31 00:02:39,825 --> 00:02:42,420 Dear, oh, dear. So, how can I help? 32 00:02:42,625 --> 00:02:47,415 There are a couple of things coming up where he might need guiding. 33 00:02:47,585 --> 00:02:51,578 - One is St George's Island. - Ah. Oh, yes, yes, yes. 34 00:02:51,746 --> 00:02:54,703 Remind me, would you, Dick? 35 00:02:54,905 --> 00:03:01,505 As you know, it's one of the few islands in the Indian Ocean to stay in the Commonwealth. 36 00:03:01,706 --> 00:03:04,663 Oh, yes, that's right. It's quite democratic. 37 00:03:04,865 --> 00:03:07,255 Yes. Free elections and everything. 38 00:03:07,425 --> 00:03:13,136 But there's a group of Marxist guerrillas in the mountains. We hear they're planning a coup. 39 00:03:13,345 --> 00:03:16,143 Well, these things will happen. 40 00:03:16,306 --> 00:03:20,697 They're not thinking of starting it on their own. East Yemen is helping. 41 00:03:20,905 --> 00:03:26,298 - Isn't that a democracy? - People's Democratic Republic of East Yemen. 42 00:03:26,506 --> 00:03:29,100 Oh, I see. It's a Communist dictatorship. 43 00:03:29,266 --> 00:03:32,258 And the guerrillas are Soviet-backed? 44 00:03:32,466 --> 00:03:37,699 Yes, and Libyan-backed. Obviously, we in the Foreign Office are staying right out of it. 45 00:03:37,905 --> 00:03:39,783 Obviously. 46 00:03:39,986 --> 00:03:43,739 It would only upset a load of frontline African states. 47 00:03:43,945 --> 00:03:46,585 And we don't want to antagonise the Soviets. 48 00:03:46,786 --> 00:03:52,576 Quite. And we've just landed a huge contract to build a new St George's airport and harbour. 49 00:03:52,746 --> 00:03:55,499 If we back the wrong side, we may lose it. 50 00:03:55,706 --> 00:04:00,257 We don't mind which side wins, the democrats or the Marxists? 51 00:04:00,466 --> 00:04:02,854 Why should we? But you see the problem. 52 00:04:03,026 --> 00:04:07,816 If the PM gets into one of his ghastly patriotic Churchillian moods, he may intervene. 53 00:04:07,986 --> 00:04:11,375 All that pro-British, defending democracy nonsense. 54 00:04:11,585 --> 00:04:14,497 Oh, I know, I know. 55 00:04:14,706 --> 00:04:19,701 He must understand that once you start interfering in the internal squabbles of other countries, 56 00:04:19,867 --> 00:04:24,495 you're on a very slippery slope. Even the Foreign Secretary's grasped that. 57 00:04:25,547 --> 00:04:28,583 Really? So what was the other point? 58 00:04:28,786 --> 00:04:32,985 The Arabs have put down a motion at the United Nations condemning Israel. 59 00:04:33,146 --> 00:04:36,139 - Naturally, we'll vote on the Arab side. - Naturally. 60 00:04:36,305 --> 00:04:40,538 - But I gather the PM wants us to abstain. - Surely not! Why? 61 00:04:40,745 --> 00:04:46,538 Something about the PLO starting it this time, faults on both sides. Sentimental nonsense. 62 00:04:46,706 --> 00:04:49,141 Sucking up to the Americans, as always. 63 00:04:49,346 --> 00:04:54,137 Just help him to realise that, as far as foreign affairs are concerned, 64 00:04:54,305 --> 00:04:59,427 his job is to confine himself to the hospitality and ceremonial role. 65 00:04:59,625 --> 00:05:04,415 I'll do my best, but you know what happens when politicians get into Number 10. 66 00:05:04,586 --> 00:05:07,384 They want their place on the world stage. 67 00:05:07,586 --> 00:05:09,975 People on stages are called actors. 68 00:05:10,146 --> 00:05:15,663 All they're required to do is look plausible, stay sober and say the lines they're given. 69 00:05:15,867 --> 00:05:18,504 Some of them try to make up their own lines. 70 00:05:18,706 --> 00:05:21,346 They don't last long. 71 00:05:24,586 --> 00:05:27,497 The American ambassador had a word with me last night. 72 00:05:27,665 --> 00:05:30,704 - About what? - What do you know about St George's Island? 73 00:05:37,105 --> 00:05:39,415 What do YOU know about it? 74 00:05:39,625 --> 00:05:42,221 Well, you're the Foreign Secretary, not me! 75 00:05:43,906 --> 00:05:46,295 Is there any danger of a Communist takeover? 76 00:05:46,507 --> 00:05:49,497 - Well, did he say there was? - He hinted. 77 00:05:50,665 --> 00:05:55,819 No. No chance at all. No chance at all. The Foreign Office would have told me. 78 00:05:56,026 --> 00:06:01,737 - You're sure they always tell you everything? - Well, everything they think I should know. 79 00:06:01,947 --> 00:06:07,339 That's what I'm afraid of. The Americans are worried and we can't afford to upset them now. 80 00:06:07,547 --> 00:06:12,779 - I'm sure we've got everything under control. - Chamberlain thought Hitler was under control. 81 00:06:12,987 --> 00:06:16,899 - Ah, well, Chamberlain. - Eden thought Nasser was under control. 82 00:06:17,105 --> 00:06:21,896 - The F.O. doesn't know what it's doing? - No, they don't tell us what they're doing! 83 00:06:22,987 --> 00:06:26,740 Absurd. They give me a full answer to any questions I ask. 84 00:06:26,947 --> 00:06:29,744 - And the ones you don't ask? - Such as? 85 00:06:29,906 --> 00:06:34,742 - Such as about St George's Island. - Ah, well, I don't ask those. 86 00:06:34,947 --> 00:06:38,939 - Well, just ask them. For me. All right? - Yes, of course. 87 00:06:39,105 --> 00:06:44,704 But once you interfere in other countries' internal squabbles, you're on a very slippery slope. 88 00:06:44,867 --> 00:06:46,935 Anything else? 89 00:06:47,146 --> 00:06:52,221 Yes, I gather we're proposing to vote against Israel in the UN tonight. Why? 90 00:06:52,427 --> 00:06:56,021 - They bombed the PLO. - The PLO bombed Israel. 91 00:06:56,225 --> 00:06:59,583 - But the Israelis dropped more bombs! - The PLO started it! 92 00:06:59,786 --> 00:07:04,223 - No, they didn't. - It seems to me there are faults on both sides. 93 00:07:04,427 --> 00:07:09,341 - Not according to my advice. - America is worried. They want us to abstain. 94 00:07:09,547 --> 00:07:13,744 I don't think we could do that. The Foreign Office wouldn't wear it. 95 00:07:13,947 --> 00:07:17,735 Are they here to follow our instructions or are we to follow theirs? 96 00:07:17,947 --> 00:07:20,096 Now, don't be silly. 97 00:07:23,706 --> 00:07:26,096 Prime Minister, Sir Humphrey's here. 98 00:07:26,266 --> 00:07:28,860 - Prime Minister. - Humphrey, I'm worried. 99 00:07:29,026 --> 00:07:31,415 Oh, what about, Prime Minister? 100 00:07:33,105 --> 00:07:37,942 - About the Americans. - Well, we're all worried about the Americans. 101 00:07:38,146 --> 00:07:43,744 - Foreign affairs are a complicated business. - That's why we leave it to the Foreign Office. 102 00:07:43,947 --> 00:07:48,303 I've got to keep in with the Americans if I'm to cancel our defence order. 103 00:07:48,507 --> 00:07:53,375 - Ah. - I gather that they're worried about us. 104 00:07:53,586 --> 00:07:57,262 Of course they are, but I know how to keep in with them. 105 00:07:57,466 --> 00:08:00,377 - How? - Don't cancel the huge defence order. 106 00:08:00,586 --> 00:08:05,182 No, Humphrey, I'm determined on that, but we mustn't upset them in any other way. 107 00:08:05,346 --> 00:08:08,656 The ambassador mentioned St George's Island. 108 00:08:09,547 --> 00:08:13,744 - Oh, really? - What's going on in that part of the world? 109 00:08:14,826 --> 00:08:17,214 What part of the world? 110 00:08:17,427 --> 00:08:21,259 That part. The part where St George's Island is. 111 00:08:22,266 --> 00:08:24,461 What part is that? 112 00:08:24,665 --> 00:08:29,023 - I suggest you go and have a look at the map! - No, I do know, Prime Minister. 113 00:08:29,225 --> 00:08:32,536 Good. Then we both know. 114 00:08:34,507 --> 00:08:39,182 The White House is worried it might be taken over by Marxists. 115 00:08:40,507 --> 00:08:44,500 - It's not funny, Humphrey. - No, indeed. Rather touching, really. 116 00:08:44,666 --> 00:08:49,661 Prime Minister, once you start interfering in the internal squabbles of other countries, 117 00:08:49,827 --> 00:08:52,420 you're on a very slippery slope. 118 00:08:52,586 --> 00:08:56,943 - That's what the Foreign Secretary said. - Extraordinary. 119 00:08:57,146 --> 00:09:02,266 Then there's the U.N. vote on Israel tonight. The Americans want us to abstain. 120 00:09:02,467 --> 00:09:07,938 It's a question of maintaining our relationship with the Arabs. The power of Islam. 121 00:09:08,106 --> 00:09:10,496 Oil supplies. 122 00:09:10,706 --> 00:09:13,061 I'm talking about what's right and wrong. 123 00:09:13,266 --> 00:09:15,827 Well, don't let the Foreign Office hear you. 124 00:09:15,987 --> 00:09:21,380 If you insist on an even-handed approach, the Foreign Office might agree to abstaining, 125 00:09:21,547 --> 00:09:26,541 so long as you authorise our man there to make a powerful speech attacking Zionism. 126 00:09:26,746 --> 00:09:30,023 Surely we should promote peace, harmony, goodwill. 127 00:09:30,226 --> 00:09:32,615 Well, it would be most unusual. 128 00:09:32,786 --> 00:09:37,177 The U.N. is the accepted forum for the expression of international hatred. 129 00:09:37,387 --> 00:09:43,336 - And defending democracy on St George's? - Not if it harms us by upsetting our friends. 130 00:09:43,547 --> 00:09:46,583 Britain should not support law and justice? 131 00:09:46,786 --> 00:09:52,623 Of course we should. We just shouldn't let it affect our foreign policy, that's all. 132 00:09:52,827 --> 00:09:55,215 We must fight for the weak against the strong. 133 00:09:55,427 --> 00:09:59,545 Then send troops to Afghanistan to fight the Russians. 134 00:09:59,746 --> 00:10:02,306 The Russians are too strong. 135 00:10:04,706 --> 00:10:07,096 What was that about law and justice? 136 00:10:07,306 --> 00:10:11,697 I want assurances sent to the Prime Minister of St George's Island 137 00:10:11,867 --> 00:10:14,175 that Britain will stand by him. 138 00:10:14,387 --> 00:10:18,744 - Discuss this with the Foreign Secretary. - Thank you, Humphrey. 139 00:10:18,947 --> 00:10:23,338 - Thank you, Prime Minister. - You've been a great help (!) 140 00:10:24,507 --> 00:10:27,101 - Bernard? - Yes, Prime Minister? 141 00:10:27,266 --> 00:10:29,461 Where exactly is St George's Island? 142 00:10:29,666 --> 00:10:31,463 Um... 143 00:10:32,467 --> 00:10:36,983 - Shall we look at the globe? - Good idea. 144 00:10:41,706 --> 00:10:45,699 - Good afternoon, Luke. - Good afternoon, Prime Minister. 145 00:10:45,867 --> 00:10:48,061 Now, where is it? 146 00:10:50,106 --> 00:10:51,903 Eh... 147 00:10:52,067 --> 00:10:56,059 - It's here, in the Arabian Sea. - Near the Persian Gulf. 148 00:10:56,226 --> 00:11:00,822 The lifeline of the West. There's Afghanistan, now under Soviet control. 149 00:11:00,987 --> 00:11:03,376 Only 400 miles north of the Arabian Sea. 150 00:11:03,547 --> 00:11:07,539 - If the Soviets ever took Pakistan... - Which they wouldn't. 151 00:11:07,706 --> 00:11:12,701 If they did, they'd control the Persian Gulf, the Arabian Sea and the Indian Ocean. 152 00:11:12,867 --> 00:11:16,461 They've always wanted a ''warm water port''. 153 00:11:16,666 --> 00:11:21,661 They wouldn't invade Pakistan. The Americans have a fleet permanently stationed here. 154 00:11:21,827 --> 00:11:24,420 The Indian Ocean. 155 00:11:25,706 --> 00:11:30,097 Prime Minister, may I have a word about...home affairs? 156 00:11:30,266 --> 00:11:33,179 - Home affairs? - Yes. 157 00:11:33,387 --> 00:11:38,905 - We're discussing foreign affairs. - No, Prime Minister, it's rather urgent. 158 00:11:39,106 --> 00:11:42,894 - Are you all right, Bernard? - Yes, Prime Minister. Please. 159 00:11:43,067 --> 00:11:45,456 Very well. Excuse me, Luke. 160 00:11:48,507 --> 00:11:52,101 - What on earth's the matter? - I don't want to be disloyal, 161 00:11:52,266 --> 00:11:57,260 but it wasn't a good idea to continue that conversation in front of Luke. Security. 162 00:11:57,467 --> 00:12:02,780 He's your colleague, one of my private secretaries. What is MI6 up to...? 163 00:12:02,987 --> 00:12:07,184 - Not that sort of risk. He works for the F.O. - He works for me. 164 00:12:07,387 --> 00:12:12,585 Eh...yes, but he's not only your man from the Foreign Office, 165 00:12:12,746 --> 00:12:17,184 he's also their man in Number 10. He's a plant. 166 00:12:17,387 --> 00:12:19,503 Oh. Ah. 167 00:12:19,666 --> 00:12:21,463 Oh. 168 00:12:21,626 --> 00:12:24,824 - Do you understand? - Yes. No! 169 00:12:26,626 --> 00:12:30,824 - The F.O. is keeping something from me? - Yes. 170 00:12:30,987 --> 00:12:35,344 - What? - I don't know. They're keeping it from me, too. 171 00:12:35,547 --> 00:12:37,902 - Then how do you know? - I don't know. 172 00:12:38,067 --> 00:12:41,456 How do you know if you don't know?! 173 00:12:41,666 --> 00:12:46,661 I don't know specifically what, but I do know they always keep everything from everybody. 174 00:12:46,827 --> 00:12:49,387 - It's normal practice. - Who does know? 175 00:12:49,586 --> 00:12:51,976 May I just clarify the question? 176 00:12:52,146 --> 00:12:56,742 You are asking who would know what it is that I don't know and you don't know but the F.O. know 177 00:12:56,907 --> 00:13:01,697 that they keep from you so you don't know and all we know is there is something we don't know 178 00:13:01,867 --> 00:13:07,418 and we want to know, but we don't know what because we don't know? Is that it? 179 00:13:08,106 --> 00:13:13,898 May I clarify? Who knows Foreign Office secrets apart from the Foreign Office? 180 00:13:14,106 --> 00:13:16,701 Oh, that's easy. Only the Kremlin. 181 00:13:19,907 --> 00:13:23,615 This bother about St George's Island is getting to be a bore. 182 00:13:23,827 --> 00:13:27,661 We made the real mistake giving them their independence. 183 00:13:27,867 --> 00:13:30,460 Wasn't that right? Wind of change and all? 184 00:13:30,626 --> 00:13:34,619 Yes, but not that way. We should have partitioned the island. 185 00:13:34,786 --> 00:13:38,666 Like we did in India, Cyprus and Palestine? And Ireland? 186 00:13:38,867 --> 00:13:43,894 Yes, that was our invariable practice with the colonies. It always worked. 187 00:13:45,106 --> 00:13:47,496 But didn't partition always lead to civil war? 188 00:13:47,666 --> 00:13:52,661 - As in India, Cyprus, Palestine and Ireland. - Yes, but it kept them busy. 189 00:13:52,827 --> 00:13:57,342 Instead of fighting other people, they fought each other. 190 00:13:57,547 --> 00:14:01,824 Yes, rather good. Saved us having a policy. Cheers. 191 00:14:02,827 --> 00:14:05,625 - Sir Humphrey? - Yes, Bernard? 192 00:14:05,786 --> 00:14:08,585 - Um, Sir Humphrey... - Yes, Bernard? 193 00:14:08,746 --> 00:14:11,135 - Could I have a word? - Yes, Bernard? 194 00:14:11,306 --> 00:14:13,695 - With both of you. - Yes. What about? 195 00:14:13,867 --> 00:14:15,858 - St George's. - What now? 196 00:14:16,067 --> 00:14:18,820 The PM seems to be completely in the dark. 197 00:14:19,027 --> 00:14:23,463 - Good. - Excellent. Anything else? 198 00:14:23,666 --> 00:14:26,340 I wonder, is there anything he doesn't know? 199 00:14:26,547 --> 00:14:28,936 I hardly know where to begin, Bernard. 200 00:14:30,827 --> 00:14:35,342 - No, I mean anything important. - He has the Foreign Secretary to tell him. 201 00:14:35,547 --> 00:14:39,938 - He seems to think HE doesn't know either. - I should hope not! 202 00:14:41,106 --> 00:14:46,465 - Are you implying that he ought to know? - Well, he IS the Prime Minister. 203 00:14:46,666 --> 00:14:51,820 Bernard, it's simply too dangerous to let politicians become involved with diplomacy. 204 00:14:52,027 --> 00:14:57,498 Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century. Politics is about surviving to Friday! 205 00:14:57,706 --> 00:15:02,701 There are 157 independent countries in the world. We've dealt with them for years. 206 00:15:02,867 --> 00:15:05,778 There's hardly an MP who knows anything. 207 00:15:05,947 --> 00:15:10,782 Show them a map of the world, most have a job finding the Isle of Wight. 208 00:15:10,987 --> 00:15:13,978 Surely politicians can't be that ignorant? 209 00:15:15,106 --> 00:15:17,496 Very well. Sit down, Bernard. 210 00:15:17,666 --> 00:15:20,659 - Where is the Upper Volta? - Em... 211 00:15:20,827 --> 00:15:23,818 - What's the capital of Chad? - Um... 212 00:15:23,987 --> 00:15:28,458 - What language do they speak in Mali? - Em... 213 00:15:28,666 --> 00:15:32,376 - Who's the president of Peru? - Um... 214 00:15:32,586 --> 00:15:35,181 What is the national religion of Cameroon? 215 00:15:36,387 --> 00:15:39,423 - Em... - Bernard? 216 00:15:39,626 --> 00:15:42,016 You should stand for Parliament. 217 00:15:43,427 --> 00:15:48,342 No, what I mean is if it's a democracy, shouldn't people sort of discuss things a bit? 218 00:15:48,547 --> 00:15:51,458 - Of course. Full discussion. - And have the facts? 219 00:15:51,666 --> 00:15:56,057 Of course not! They don't want them. Facts complicate things. 220 00:15:56,226 --> 00:16:01,619 All the press, the people and their leaders want to know is who are the goodies and baddies. 221 00:16:01,827 --> 00:16:07,106 The interests of Britain nearly always involve doing deals with people they think are baddies. 222 00:16:07,306 --> 00:16:10,184 And not helping the goodies occasionally. 223 00:16:10,387 --> 00:16:12,981 So we avoid discussion of foreign affairs. 224 00:16:13,146 --> 00:16:15,536 Or rather we keep it inside the Foreign Office 225 00:16:15,706 --> 00:16:21,338 then we produce one policy for the Foreign Secretary, which is our considered view. 226 00:16:21,547 --> 00:16:25,061 - No options? No alternatives? - None. 227 00:16:25,266 --> 00:16:29,545 - What if he's not satisfied? - If pressed, we look at it again. 228 00:16:29,746 --> 00:16:33,945 - And come up with a different view? - Of course not! The same view. 229 00:16:34,146 --> 00:16:37,139 - What if he demands options? - It's obvious. 230 00:16:37,306 --> 00:16:43,177 The F.O. present him with three options, two of which are, in fact, exactly the same. 231 00:16:43,387 --> 00:16:45,581 And the third is totally unacceptable. 232 00:16:45,786 --> 00:16:48,460 Like bombing Warsaw or invading France. 233 00:16:48,666 --> 00:16:53,456 We occasionally encourage the Foreign Secretary to produce his own policy, 234 00:16:53,626 --> 00:16:59,384 then we tell him it will inevitably lead to World War Three, perhaps within 48 hours. 235 00:16:59,586 --> 00:17:04,740 - I see. I'm sorry to appear stupid... - Oh, perish the thought, Bernard. 236 00:17:06,507 --> 00:17:11,705 In my experience, ministers are concerned about the effect of policy on domestic opinion. 237 00:17:11,866 --> 00:17:14,255 Our system doesn't seem to allow for that. 238 00:17:14,467 --> 00:17:19,176 Of course not. We take the global view. We ask what's best for the world. 239 00:17:19,386 --> 00:17:23,096 Most ministers would ask what will the ''Daily Mail'' say! 240 00:17:23,306 --> 00:17:29,496 We can't have foreign policy made by yobbos like Fleet Street editors or backbench MPs! 241 00:17:29,665 --> 00:17:32,659 - Or Cabinet ministers. - Or Cabinet ministers. 242 00:17:32,826 --> 00:17:36,819 We take the right decisions and let them sort out the politics. 243 00:17:36,987 --> 00:17:41,377 - (KNOCKING) - Yes? Yes, come in, Mrs Whitmore. 244 00:17:42,386 --> 00:17:46,346 - Thank you. - If the Foreign Secretary won't accept this...? 245 00:17:46,547 --> 00:17:49,141 It's a free country. He can always resign. 246 00:17:49,346 --> 00:17:54,022 How can you treat the PM like this? After all, St George's IS a democracy! 247 00:17:54,226 --> 00:17:56,217 Not for long. 248 00:17:56,386 --> 00:18:01,301 The East Yemen are preparing to invade in support of the Marxist guerrillas. 249 00:18:01,507 --> 00:18:03,701 - That's awful. - Yes and no. 250 00:18:03,866 --> 00:18:08,940 Moderately bad news for the government of St George's, but very good for the guerrillas. 251 00:18:09,145 --> 00:18:14,141 - What about the islanders? - Bernard, you're reacting like a politician. 252 00:18:14,346 --> 00:18:16,734 - What are we going to do to help them? - Nothing. 253 00:18:16,906 --> 00:18:22,538 - What if St George's appeals to us? - We'll give them every support, short of help. 254 00:18:22,746 --> 00:18:27,740 - What if the Prime Minister insists? - Then we follow the four-stage strategy. 255 00:18:27,906 --> 00:18:32,502 - What's that? - Standard F.O. response in a time of crisis. 256 00:18:32,665 --> 00:18:35,659 In stage one we say nothing is going to happen. 257 00:18:35,866 --> 00:18:39,176 Stage two, it may happen, but we should do nothing. 258 00:18:39,386 --> 00:18:44,221 Stage three, maybe we should do something, but there's nothing we CAN do. 259 00:18:44,426 --> 00:18:49,420 Stage four, maybe there was something we could have done, but it's too late now. 260 00:18:55,705 --> 00:18:58,096 Afternoon telegrams, Prime Minister. 261 00:18:59,586 --> 00:19:01,976 Thank you, Luke. 262 00:19:03,105 --> 00:19:07,701 - Where's Bernard? - I think he's with Sir Humphrey. 263 00:19:07,866 --> 00:19:11,746 - Troop movements in East Yemen? - It's not significant. 264 00:19:11,946 --> 00:19:14,824 The American ambassador mentioned it. 265 00:19:15,027 --> 00:19:17,621 Really? I'm surprised he'd heard of it. 266 00:19:17,786 --> 00:19:22,301 - What are they up to? - Just preparing a regular raid on West Yemen. 267 00:19:22,507 --> 00:19:25,498 - Nothing for us to worry about? - Nothing at all. 268 00:19:25,705 --> 00:19:29,096 He said something about St George's, too. 269 00:19:29,306 --> 00:19:31,980 Really? Educated man. 270 00:19:33,507 --> 00:19:35,781 For an American. 271 00:19:35,987 --> 00:19:41,013 - Is there a problem there? - No, no, no. Just the normal local squabbles. 272 00:19:41,226 --> 00:19:46,174 - He was worried about a Communist takeover. - Americans always are. 273 00:19:46,386 --> 00:19:48,980 Luke! Have you read this? 274 00:19:49,145 --> 00:19:53,424 - We voted against Israel in the U.N. last night! - Yes, Prime Minister. 275 00:19:53,625 --> 00:19:58,176 - But I gave express instructions to abstain. - I think not. 276 00:19:58,386 --> 00:20:02,346 I said I felt very strongly that we should not take sides. 277 00:20:02,547 --> 00:20:06,938 - The Foreign Secretary noted your feeling. - But did nothing about it! 278 00:20:07,105 --> 00:20:11,976 With respect, he did. He asked our U.N. ambassador if we should consider abstaining. 279 00:20:12,185 --> 00:20:14,176 - What did HE do? - He said no. 280 00:20:14,386 --> 00:20:18,743 You mean the Foreign Office can simply ignore the Prime Minister?! 281 00:20:18,946 --> 00:20:23,940 Certainly not, Prime Minister. They take full account of you when coming to their decision, 282 00:20:24,105 --> 00:20:28,895 but events move rapidly. There were important factors in our relationship with the Arabs 283 00:20:29,067 --> 00:20:34,016 that were not known to you when you took your view. We couldn't get through to you in time. 284 00:20:34,226 --> 00:20:37,025 I am on the phone, you know. 285 00:20:37,185 --> 00:20:40,656 It wasn't sufficiently important to wake you. 286 00:20:40,866 --> 00:20:43,778 It was! The White House will do its nut! 287 00:20:43,987 --> 00:20:49,299 You could be telephoned before every U.N. vote, but there are two or three a night. 288 00:20:49,507 --> 00:20:54,103 - What can I do to reverse this? - Nothing. That would be most embarrassing. 289 00:20:54,266 --> 00:20:56,734 Once stated, policy can't be retracted. 290 00:20:57,746 --> 00:21:02,775 - I'd like to talk to the Israeli ambassador. - I think not, Prime Minister. 291 00:21:03,987 --> 00:21:06,784 I want to talk to the Israeli ambassador. 292 00:21:06,987 --> 00:21:09,500 If I may say so, it would be rather unwise. 293 00:21:09,705 --> 00:21:15,065 Luke! Can you hear me? Watch my lips! I want to talk to the Israeli ambassador! 294 00:21:16,105 --> 00:21:18,496 Of course, Prime Minister, if that is your wish. 295 00:21:18,665 --> 00:21:22,705 I will contact the Foreign Secretary and then telephone... 296 00:21:22,906 --> 00:21:25,897 I don't want the Foreign Secretary! 297 00:21:26,105 --> 00:21:31,578 Prime Minister, it would be most improper to see him without the Foreign Secretary present. 298 00:21:31,786 --> 00:21:36,018 - Why? What do you think I want to talk about? - Presumably the vote at the U.N. 299 00:21:36,226 --> 00:21:39,821 - That would be most improper. - Oh. 300 00:21:40,027 --> 00:21:44,623 My daughter Lucy wishes to spend her next long vacation on a kibbutz. 301 00:21:44,786 --> 00:21:49,018 Or I should say, as she's at the University of Sussex, another kibbutz. 302 00:21:49,226 --> 00:21:52,821 - I see. - The ambassador and I were at the LSE. 303 00:21:52,987 --> 00:21:58,855 I thought I'd invite him to the flat tonight for a drink. 6 p.m. See to it, would you, Luke? 304 00:21:59,067 --> 00:22:03,058 - Yes, Prime Minister. - Thank you. 305 00:22:09,266 --> 00:22:14,056 - Don't be upset, Jim. It happens all the time. - I told them to abstain. 306 00:22:14,266 --> 00:22:19,056 It's well known that in the British Foreign Office an instruction from the Prime Minister 307 00:22:19,226 --> 00:22:24,016 becomes a request from the Foreign Secretary, a recommendation from the Minister of State 308 00:22:24,185 --> 00:22:28,304 and, finally, a suggestion to the ambassador. If it ever gets that far. 309 00:22:28,507 --> 00:22:30,895 Thank you. L'Chaim. 310 00:22:31,067 --> 00:22:32,864 Cheers. 311 00:22:33,027 --> 00:22:37,019 Well, Jim, what are you going to do about St George's? 312 00:22:37,185 --> 00:22:40,384 - You know about that? - Obviously. 313 00:22:40,547 --> 00:22:45,143 - Not a serious problem, is it? - Your information must be better than mine. 314 00:22:45,346 --> 00:22:47,906 Mine comes from the Foreign Office. 315 00:22:49,105 --> 00:22:51,301 Israeli Intelligence says 316 00:22:51,467 --> 00:22:55,663 that East Yemen are going to invade St George's Island in the next few days. 317 00:22:55,866 --> 00:22:57,663 What?! 318 00:22:57,826 --> 00:23:02,616 - So that's the connection. - Your Foreign Office agreed with East Yemen 319 00:23:02,786 --> 00:23:07,382 that they'll make strong diplomatic representations, but do nothing. 320 00:23:07,547 --> 00:23:12,257 - In return, you keep your airport contract. - There will be uproar! 321 00:23:12,467 --> 00:23:14,458 That's only the start. 322 00:23:14,625 --> 00:23:19,576 I happen to know that the Americans are going to support the present St George's government. 323 00:23:19,786 --> 00:23:23,859 - In the U.N...? - No, in battle. On St George's Island. 324 00:23:24,067 --> 00:23:27,422 An airborne division and the Seventh Fleet. 325 00:23:27,625 --> 00:23:30,185 Invading a Commonwealth country?! 326 00:23:30,346 --> 00:23:34,339 The Palace will hit the roof. And I'll look ridiculous. 327 00:23:34,507 --> 00:23:37,781 - Why didn't they tell me? - They don't trust you. 328 00:23:37,987 --> 00:23:43,458 - Because you trust the Foreign Office. - Oh, I see. What can I do about it? 329 00:23:43,665 --> 00:23:48,261 Jim, you have an airborne battalion on standby in Germany 330 00:23:48,426 --> 00:23:50,815 that is not now needed for the NATO exercise. 331 00:23:51,027 --> 00:23:54,018 - How do you know? - I know. 332 00:23:54,705 --> 00:23:59,940 Now, if you were to send it to St George's Island, it would frighten off East Yemen. 333 00:24:00,145 --> 00:24:02,375 They'd never dare invade. 334 00:24:02,586 --> 00:24:06,942 Of course, it's not for the Israeli ambassador to advise the British Prime Minister. 335 00:24:07,145 --> 00:24:09,740 And he wouldn't take your advice anyway. 336 00:24:13,105 --> 00:24:17,498 Get me the Foreign Secretary and the Defence Secretary. 337 00:24:17,665 --> 00:24:22,455 I wonder why the Foreign Office didn't cover themselves. Maybe they did. 338 00:24:22,625 --> 00:24:27,415 They gave me several boxes tonight. I've been through them all except this one. 339 00:24:27,586 --> 00:24:30,181 I wonder if this could be it. 340 00:24:30,346 --> 00:24:33,337 ''Northern Indian Ocean Situation Report''. 341 00:24:34,346 --> 00:24:36,734 It's 138 pages. It must be it. 342 00:24:36,906 --> 00:24:39,295 (TELEPHONE RINGS) 343 00:24:39,467 --> 00:24:41,855 Hello? Yes, Ronnie. 344 00:24:42,027 --> 00:24:47,020 I want the president of St George's Island to invite Britain to send an airborne battalion 345 00:24:47,185 --> 00:24:49,576 on a goodwill visit. 346 00:24:49,746 --> 00:24:52,134 No, just a friendly gesture. Goodwill. 347 00:24:52,306 --> 00:24:55,298 Yes, at once, please. Thank you. 348 00:24:56,306 --> 00:25:01,299 He seemed to think that 800 paratroopers was an awful lot to send on a goodwill visit. 349 00:25:03,946 --> 00:25:07,018 No, it's just an awful lot of goodwill. 350 00:25:07,226 --> 00:25:09,615 (TELEPHONE RINGS) 351 00:25:09,786 --> 00:25:14,576 Oh, yes, Paul. You know you have an airborne battalion on standby in Germany? 352 00:25:14,746 --> 00:25:17,134 Never mind how I know. 353 00:25:17,306 --> 00:25:22,299 Well, since it's not being used, I want them to fly straight off to St George's Island. 354 00:25:22,467 --> 00:25:25,263 Sort of between Africa and India. 355 00:25:26,906 --> 00:25:29,578 A goodwill visit. Just showing the flag. 356 00:25:30,586 --> 00:25:35,182 They have been invited. Yes. Leave in...six hours. 357 00:25:36,185 --> 00:25:38,779 Yes, an instant goodwill visit. 358 00:25:38,946 --> 00:25:41,335 Tell your press office to announce it at once. 359 00:25:41,507 --> 00:25:44,498 No, no, leave me out of it. A routine visit. 360 00:25:44,665 --> 00:25:47,464 All right - a routine surprise visit. 361 00:25:48,906 --> 00:25:53,297 Well, say they were invited earlier, but the NATO exercise got in the way. 362 00:25:53,467 --> 00:25:58,460 Now they're not needed, they're going. All right. Nobody knows it's not true. 363 00:25:58,625 --> 00:26:01,221 Press statements aren't delivered under oath. 364 00:26:03,105 --> 00:26:05,496 They'll be off at midnight. 365 00:26:07,027 --> 00:26:11,179 - There's an airborne battalion in the air. - Sounds like the right place for it! 366 00:26:13,507 --> 00:26:18,978 - I gather it's on its way to St George's. - Yes, it should land in two hours' time. 367 00:26:19,185 --> 00:26:23,781 - Isn't this all rather sudden? - I had a sudden friendly impulse. 368 00:26:23,946 --> 00:26:28,701 - I wanted to spread a little goodwill. - There's not much goodwill in the F.O. 369 00:26:28,906 --> 00:26:32,900 - Really? Why not? - It might be construed as provocative, 370 00:26:33,067 --> 00:26:38,505 sending a fully-armed airborne battalion like that into an explosive situation. 371 00:26:38,705 --> 00:26:43,301 - I thought there was no problem there. - Eh...well, yes, indeed. 372 00:26:43,467 --> 00:26:47,299 There is no problem, but it's explosive potentially. 373 00:26:47,507 --> 00:26:52,103 - Why? - Moving troops is always potentially explosive. 374 00:26:52,306 --> 00:26:56,696 We move them around Salisbury Plain. Is that potentially explosive? 375 00:26:56,906 --> 00:26:59,625 There are a lot of unexploded shells on... 376 00:27:00,826 --> 00:27:06,263 Thank you, Bernard. Do tell me why the Foreign Office is worried. I'm fascinated. 377 00:27:06,467 --> 00:27:11,096 - It's a sensitive part of the world. Unstable. - They always tell me how stable it is. 378 00:27:11,306 --> 00:27:14,183 Well, yes, indeed it is...very, 379 00:27:14,346 --> 00:27:17,942 but it's a sort of...unstable sort of stability. 380 00:27:19,665 --> 00:27:22,464 - Excuse me, Sir Humphrey. - Yes, Luke. 381 00:27:22,625 --> 00:27:27,621 - Foreign Office telegrams. - Thank you, Luke. Oh, gosh. Rather a lot. 382 00:27:27,786 --> 00:27:32,621 Yes, the somewhat unorthodox visit to St George's has stirred things up. 383 00:27:32,826 --> 00:27:36,819 Ah, I see East Yemen is moving its troops back to base. 384 00:27:37,027 --> 00:27:41,417 - Yes, Prime Minister. - Decided not to invade West Yemen? 385 00:27:41,625 --> 00:27:44,618 - So it seems. - Oh, this is nice. 386 00:27:44,786 --> 00:27:48,382 The Americans are delighted by our visit. That's good. 387 00:27:48,547 --> 00:27:51,299 Excellent, Prime Minister. 388 00:27:51,507 --> 00:27:56,261 - They're ready if we want reinforcements. - Reinforcements of what? 389 00:27:56,467 --> 00:27:59,424 Reinforcements of goodwill, Humphrey. 390 00:28:01,346 --> 00:28:06,181 May I inquire where the impulse for this little escapade came from? 391 00:28:06,386 --> 00:28:10,174 - Of course you may. It came from Luke. - Luke?! 392 00:28:10,346 --> 00:28:12,301 From me? 393 00:28:12,507 --> 00:28:17,375 It was you who put together that masterly Northern Indian Ocean Situation Report? 394 00:28:17,586 --> 00:28:19,976 Yes, but it argued for not doing anything. 395 00:28:20,185 --> 00:28:23,179 - Come off it, Luke. You can't fool me. - What?! 396 00:28:23,386 --> 00:28:25,900 I can read between the lines. 397 00:28:26,067 --> 00:28:30,058 Some politicians have a feeling for foreign affairs. 398 00:28:30,226 --> 00:28:33,663 I knew you meant St George's needed support. 399 00:28:33,866 --> 00:28:36,460 Oh, yes. Well, no, actually. 400 00:28:37,467 --> 00:28:40,105 Only in one paragraph on page 107. 401 00:28:40,306 --> 00:28:42,694 It was enough. I can take the hint. 402 00:28:42,866 --> 00:28:48,417 I'm giving you full credit. I told the Foreign Secretary it was your warning sparked it off. 403 00:28:48,625 --> 00:28:52,413 No, no, it wasn't! You haven't?! 404 00:28:52,625 --> 00:28:57,746 And I don't think I'm giving away any secrets when I say you are going to be rewarded. 405 00:28:57,946 --> 00:29:03,145 - Rewarded? - Ambassador at a very important embassy. 406 00:29:03,346 --> 00:29:05,859 - Which embassy? - Tel Aviv. 407 00:29:06,067 --> 00:29:10,616 Oh, my God! You can't send me to Israel. Think about my career. 408 00:29:10,826 --> 00:29:13,545 Don't be absurd. It's an honour. Promotion. 409 00:29:13,746 --> 00:29:17,261 They won't want me. I'm on the Arab side. 410 00:29:18,507 --> 00:29:22,214 - I thought you were on OUR side. - Of course, yes, but... 411 00:29:22,426 --> 00:29:27,897 We need somebody like you in Tel Aviv to explain why we always vote against them. 412 00:29:28,067 --> 00:29:30,864 Don't we, Humphrey? 413 00:29:31,027 --> 00:29:33,221 Yes, Prime Minister. 414 00:29:35,887 --> 00:29:44,321 http://episode-heaven.rt.hu