1 00:00:40,880 --> 00:00:46,748 (TV) Growing concern for Fiona McGregor, the nurse held in the Gulf state of Kumran 2 00:00:46,958 --> 00:00:49,349 for alleged possession of a bottle of whisky. 3 00:00:49,518 --> 00:00:54,353 Her sentence of 10 years' imprisonment and 40 lashes is awaiting confirmation. 4 00:00:54,559 --> 00:00:59,554 Today, her mother, accompanied by her MP, Stuart Gordon, and a group of sympathisers, 5 00:00:59,719 --> 00:01:04,509 took a petition to the Kumran embassy, but the Kumrani's refused to accept it. 6 00:01:04,679 --> 00:01:09,958 The Foreign Secretary described the incident as regrettable, but no action is planned. 7 00:01:10,159 --> 00:01:12,547 Turn it off, Bernard. 8 00:01:13,679 --> 00:01:17,389 This is very worrying. There's a lot of public sympathy. 9 00:01:17,599 --> 00:01:20,192 I'm sure the Foreign Secretary will advise you. 10 00:01:20,360 --> 00:01:25,353 - He advises me to do nothing. - I'm sure that's good advice. 11 00:01:25,559 --> 00:01:27,948 If we do nothing, we look heartless. And feeble. 12 00:01:28,119 --> 00:01:33,352 It doesn't do the government any good to look heartless and feeble simultaneously. Bernard? 13 00:01:33,559 --> 00:01:38,757 Perhaps you could arrange it so you only look heartless and feeble alternately. 14 00:01:38,958 --> 00:01:43,748 - Humphrey, we must do something. - The Kumranis are good friends of Britain. 15 00:01:43,919 --> 00:01:48,708 They placed a huge defence contract with us, they tell us about the Soviets in Iraq, 16 00:01:48,880 --> 00:01:53,111 they even sabotage OPEC agreements for us. We can't afford to upset them. 17 00:01:53,320 --> 00:01:58,110 I know, but a British national is facing a barbaric punishment for a trivial offence. 18 00:01:58,280 --> 00:02:02,556 The Foreign Office is there to protect British nationals. 19 00:02:02,759 --> 00:02:06,195 - To protect British interests. - It's not in her interest to be flogged. 20 00:02:06,400 --> 00:02:10,597 - It's not in ours to prevent it. - This could hurt the government very badly. 21 00:02:11,281 --> 00:02:17,435 Well, I understand that tomorrow the Foreign Secretary will deliver a strong note of protest. 22 00:02:17,640 --> 00:02:21,838 - Why can't he do it now? - We haven't got their agreement yet. 23 00:02:21,998 --> 00:02:27,199 We're seeing the ambassador privately now. Once they approve the wording, we hand it over. 24 00:02:27,361 --> 00:02:30,873 - Then we'll have done all we can. - Very heartless. 25 00:02:31,080 --> 00:02:33,468 It's safer to be heartless than mindless. 26 00:02:33,640 --> 00:02:37,519 History is the triumph of the heartless over the mindless. 27 00:02:37,719 --> 00:02:43,316 - The Cabinet will never agree to this policy. - The F.O. never expect that for their policies. 28 00:02:44,320 --> 00:02:47,117 That's why they never fully explain them. 29 00:02:47,281 --> 00:02:52,070 - Even to the Foreign Secretary? - Especially not to the Foreign Secretary. 30 00:02:52,240 --> 00:02:57,109 All that the Foreign Office requires is that the Cabinet agree to their decisions 31 00:02:57,281 --> 00:03:01,593 once they've been taken. Will that be all? I have a dinner engagement. 32 00:03:01,801 --> 00:03:06,591 - Yes, I suppose so. - It's time to get ready for the reception. 33 00:03:06,760 --> 00:03:10,151 - Oh, who's coming? - The synod of the Church of England. 34 00:03:10,320 --> 00:03:12,709 There's a vacancy in Bury St Edmunds. 35 00:03:12,881 --> 00:03:16,794 - They come here when a bishopric is vacant. - Why? 36 00:03:16,998 --> 00:03:21,151 To lobby. So you don't choose the wrong name. 37 00:03:21,361 --> 00:03:25,751 - How should I know which one to choose? - It's like any Civil Service option. 38 00:03:25,920 --> 00:03:28,310 It will be a conjuring trick. 39 00:03:28,479 --> 00:03:33,872 Take any card, you always end up with the card the magician forced you to take. 40 00:03:34,080 --> 00:03:37,834 - Suppose I don't take it? - You will. 41 00:03:38,039 --> 00:03:40,031 Who are these cards? 42 00:03:40,240 --> 00:03:44,359 With the Church, you usually get the choice of a knave or a queen. 43 00:03:48,881 --> 00:03:52,078 We do appreciate you dining at the college. 44 00:03:52,241 --> 00:03:56,234 Always a pleasure to dine with old friends. Thank you, Master. 45 00:03:56,401 --> 00:04:02,794 Humphrey, I'll be retiring in four or five years. Isn't that roughly when you retire? 46 00:04:03,000 --> 00:04:04,432 Yes. 47 00:04:04,640 --> 00:04:10,317 The Bursar and I think you could be just the chap to succeed me as Master of Ballie. 48 00:04:10,520 --> 00:04:12,272 Really? 49 00:04:12,480 --> 00:04:14,870 But there is one obstacle. The Dean. 50 00:04:15,040 --> 00:04:19,431 - Why is he an obstacle? - He says you're too clever by half. 51 00:04:19,600 --> 00:04:24,549 I should have thought that at Oxford to be called clever might be rather a compliment. 52 00:04:24,761 --> 00:04:28,355 - He also says you're smug. - Thank you, Bursar. 53 00:04:28,520 --> 00:04:33,310 Well, you've got a lot to be smug about. If I had £75,000 a year, 54 00:04:33,480 --> 00:04:36,279 a knighthood, an index-linked pension, 55 00:04:36,440 --> 00:04:41,230 and a bunch of politicians to take the blame for all my mistakes, I'd be pretty smug myself! 56 00:04:41,440 --> 00:04:46,151 The Dean is paranoid that we're intriguing in this matter behind his back. 57 00:04:46,361 --> 00:04:51,719 That is why we decided to...discuss it with you while he's away. 58 00:04:51,919 --> 00:04:53,477 Quite. 59 00:04:53,681 --> 00:04:58,471 The only way you'll become Master of Baillie is if we can dump the Dean. 60 00:04:58,640 --> 00:05:02,634 - But how? - It isn't easy. He's a lazy devil. 61 00:05:02,801 --> 00:05:05,395 He only has to do four hours' work a week. 62 00:05:05,560 --> 00:05:09,951 Give one lecture and a couple of tutorials and he's got tenure for life! 63 00:05:10,120 --> 00:05:13,158 Only two interests - cricket and steam engines. 64 00:05:13,361 --> 00:05:16,477 Never reads a new book, thinks a new thought. 65 00:05:16,681 --> 00:05:19,274 So being an Oxford don is the perfect job. 66 00:05:20,480 --> 00:05:23,870 So what would get him away from Baillie? 67 00:05:24,080 --> 00:05:26,594 - Only a bishopric. - A bishopric? 68 00:05:26,801 --> 00:05:31,716 We wondered about Bury St Edmunds. That's up for grabs, isn't it? 69 00:05:31,919 --> 00:05:36,118 Yes, a very agreeable diocese. It has a seat in the Lords. 70 00:05:36,321 --> 00:05:42,430 The Dean would like that. His third hobby is sucking up to the aristocracy. 71 00:05:42,640 --> 00:05:45,109 Naturally. Well, it's not up to me at all. 72 00:05:45,281 --> 00:05:49,194 - The Church wants to maintain the balance. - What balance? 73 00:05:49,401 --> 00:05:52,790 Between those who believe in God and those who don't. 74 00:05:53,000 --> 00:05:55,879 Is there anyone in the Church who doesn't? 75 00:05:56,080 --> 00:05:58,469 Oh, yes. Most of the bishops. 76 00:05:58,640 --> 00:06:04,317 But, in any case, Bury St Edmunds is all sewn up. Canon Stanford is getting the job. 77 00:06:04,520 --> 00:06:07,160 We thought the Prime Minister had to choose. 78 00:06:07,361 --> 00:06:10,158 But they gave an impossible second candidate. 79 00:06:10,321 --> 00:06:15,076 In any case, the Dean hasn't done enough public service to qualify. 80 00:06:15,281 --> 00:06:17,748 Are any other dioceses coming free? 81 00:06:17,960 --> 00:06:20,350 Well, it doesn't happen very often. 82 00:06:20,520 --> 00:06:25,116 The older appointees don't have to retire at 60. Bishops tend to have long lives. 83 00:06:25,281 --> 00:06:29,957 Apparently the Lord isn't all that keen for them to join Him. 84 00:06:31,161 --> 00:06:35,790 What sort of public service did you have in mind for the Dean? 85 00:06:36,000 --> 00:06:40,995 Well, why don't you get the bishop to send him to Kumran, 86 00:06:41,161 --> 00:06:44,551 to try to intercede on behalf of that nurse? 87 00:06:44,721 --> 00:06:49,111 The Arabs love him because he's an expert in Islamic studies. 88 00:06:49,281 --> 00:06:53,319 He'd love the Arabs. Either way, we can't lose. 89 00:06:53,520 --> 00:06:55,716 That's right. 90 00:06:55,881 --> 00:07:00,158 - If he fails, at least he's tried. - If he succeeds, he's a hero. 91 00:07:00,361 --> 00:07:04,399 And if he doesn't come back, he won't be missed. 92 00:07:04,600 --> 00:07:07,194 No, it's such an awful country. 93 00:07:07,361 --> 00:07:12,196 They cut people's hands off and women get stoned when they commit adultery. 94 00:07:12,401 --> 00:07:16,440 Unlike Britain where they commit adultery when they get stoned! 95 00:07:20,281 --> 00:07:24,274 He may even come back with a few parts missing! 96 00:07:25,881 --> 00:07:28,873 Look, no hands! 97 00:07:31,801 --> 00:07:35,509 Sorry to be so hesitant, Peter. I've never appointed a bishop before. 98 00:07:35,721 --> 00:07:39,919 Er, recommended the appointment to the sovereign, Prime Minister. 99 00:07:40,120 --> 00:07:43,750 Yes. Tell me about Canon Stanford. 100 00:07:43,960 --> 00:07:47,350 Well, Mike is very highly thought of. He's a modernist. 101 00:07:47,520 --> 00:07:50,114 - Modernist? - A theological term. 102 00:07:50,321 --> 00:07:55,315 It seems that he accepts that some events described in the Bible are not literally true. 103 00:07:55,480 --> 00:07:58,073 He sees them as metaphors, myths or legends. 104 00:07:58,241 --> 00:08:02,199 He's interested in their spiritual and philosophical truth. 105 00:08:02,399 --> 00:08:06,997 He doesn't believe the world was made in seven days and Eve came out of Adam's rib? 106 00:08:07,199 --> 00:08:11,477 - Precisely. - Sounds very sensible. Anything else? 107 00:08:11,681 --> 00:08:17,596 He went to Winchester and New College, Oxford, and his name is first on the list. 108 00:08:17,801 --> 00:08:21,190 - Sounds good. - And he has an eminently suitable wife. 109 00:08:21,359 --> 00:08:23,669 Devout, full of good works? 110 00:08:23,881 --> 00:08:28,556 No, I mean she's the daughter of the Earl of Chichester. 111 00:08:28,761 --> 00:08:32,115 I see. And what about the second? 112 00:08:33,079 --> 00:08:36,832 Well, second is Doctor Paul Harvey. 113 00:08:37,039 --> 00:08:38,791 And? 114 00:08:39,000 --> 00:08:42,389 - He's an admirable man. - But? 115 00:08:42,599 --> 00:08:45,399 It's your choice, of course, 116 00:08:45,559 --> 00:08:50,429 but there's a suspicion he tends towards disestablishmentarianism. 117 00:08:50,639 --> 00:08:52,436 Oh. 118 00:08:53,079 --> 00:08:54,876 What? 119 00:08:55,918 --> 00:09:00,515 The view that the Church of England shouldn't be part of the state. 120 00:09:00,680 --> 00:09:05,070 Some people feel it should be separate, like Methodists or Catholics. 121 00:09:05,238 --> 00:09:09,675 They think ordinary people feel the established church is a club for the ruling classes. 122 00:09:09,880 --> 00:09:12,599 Sounds a good man. 123 00:09:12,800 --> 00:09:16,791 Well, it's entirely up to you, of course, Prime Minister, 124 00:09:16,959 --> 00:09:21,952 but I suspect Her Majesty might be a little surprised if you asked her to appoint a man 125 00:09:22,120 --> 00:09:26,715 who'd make her break her coronation vows to defend the Church. 126 00:09:27,278 --> 00:09:33,115 - Why's he on the list, then? - Well, he's not quite a disestablishmentarian. 127 00:09:33,278 --> 00:09:36,271 But that's the way his mind seems to be moving. 128 00:09:36,479 --> 00:09:41,711 I see. So I'm being asked to choose Mike Stanford or Mike Stanford? 129 00:09:41,918 --> 00:09:45,596 The Commission is offering you the two names which emerged. 130 00:09:45,800 --> 00:09:51,351 - Was there an open election? - No. Bishops are in the apostolic succession. 131 00:09:51,559 --> 00:09:54,550 - What's that? - It's God's will. 132 00:09:54,721 --> 00:10:00,715 When Judas Iscariot blotted his copybook, he was replaced. They let the Holy Ghost decide. 133 00:10:01,639 --> 00:10:05,631 - How did he make his views known? - By drawing lots. 134 00:10:07,000 --> 00:10:09,796 Couldn't we let the Holy Ghost decide now? 135 00:10:10,000 --> 00:10:14,992 No one's confident the Holy Ghost would know what makes a good Church of England bishop. 136 00:10:15,159 --> 00:10:19,358 Sir Humphrey is due here now. Could we continue tomorrow? 137 00:10:19,519 --> 00:10:22,113 Not at all. Thank you, Prime Minister. 138 00:10:22,278 --> 00:10:27,876 Prime Minister, appointing Canon Stanford may be an own goal. May I get his career details? 139 00:10:28,039 --> 00:10:32,032 - Yes, please do. - And I'll send Sir Humphrey in. 140 00:10:36,079 --> 00:10:41,278 - Bernard. Prime Minister. - Ah, Humphrey. Sherry? 141 00:10:41,479 --> 00:10:43,675 Yes, thank you. 142 00:10:45,880 --> 00:10:48,677 What's a modernist in the Church of England? 143 00:10:48,840 --> 00:10:53,229 Ah, well, the word ''modernist'' is code for non-believer. 144 00:10:54,238 --> 00:10:57,231 - You mean an atheist? - No, no. 145 00:10:57,399 --> 00:11:01,392 An atheist couldn't continue to draw his stipend, 146 00:11:01,559 --> 00:11:06,155 so when they stop believing in God they call themselves modernists. 147 00:11:06,318 --> 00:11:09,948 How could the Church of England suggest an atheist as bishop? 148 00:11:10,159 --> 00:11:14,789 The Church of England is primarily a social organisation, not religious. 149 00:11:15,000 --> 00:11:18,992 - Is it? - Part of the rich social fabric of the country. 150 00:11:19,159 --> 00:11:24,153 Bishops need to be the sort of chaps who speak properly, know which knife and fork to use. 151 00:11:24,318 --> 00:11:26,912 The sort of people one can look up to. 152 00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:31,750 - So Canon Stanford's wife's eminently suitable? - Of course. Cheers. 153 00:11:31,918 --> 00:11:35,912 - Is there really no other candidate? - Well, not really. 154 00:11:36,079 --> 00:11:41,791 - There were better jobs available recently. - What's better than a bishop? A rook? 155 00:11:43,559 --> 00:11:45,755 Very droll. 156 00:11:46,760 --> 00:11:50,354 No, Dean of Windsor is a better job. Or Westminster. 157 00:11:50,519 --> 00:11:53,157 It enables one to be on better terms with the Royals. 158 00:11:54,120 --> 00:11:58,671 So being a bishop is just a matter of status? Dressing up in cassocks and gaiters. 159 00:11:58,880 --> 00:12:03,474 Yes, though gaiters are now only worn at significant religious events 160 00:12:03,639 --> 00:12:06,278 like the Royal garden party. 161 00:12:06,479 --> 00:12:09,870 - Why? - The Church is trying to be more relevant. 162 00:12:10,039 --> 00:12:13,430 - To God? - No, of course not. 163 00:12:13,599 --> 00:12:16,432 I meant relevant in sociological terms. 164 00:12:16,639 --> 00:12:22,474 So the ideal candidate in the Church's view is a cross between a socialite and a socialist? 165 00:12:22,680 --> 00:12:27,070 - Precisely. - May I give you Canon Stanford's details? 166 00:12:27,278 --> 00:12:31,274 - Please do. - He was chaplain to the Bishop of Sheffield. 167 00:12:31,439 --> 00:12:36,229 He moved on to be the diocesan advisor on ethnic communities and social responsibility. 168 00:12:36,399 --> 00:12:41,997 He organised conferences on inter-faith interface and between Christians and Marxists, 169 00:12:42,159 --> 00:12:46,233 and between Christians and the women of Greenham Common. 170 00:12:46,439 --> 00:12:51,434 He was chaplain at the University of Essex, vice-principal at a theological college 171 00:12:51,599 --> 00:12:56,626 and is now secretary to the Disarmament Committee of the Council of Churches. 172 00:12:56,840 --> 00:13:00,195 Has he ever been an ordinary vicar of a parish? 173 00:13:00,399 --> 00:13:05,427 Good heavens, no. Clergymen who want to be bishops try to avoid pastoral work. 174 00:13:05,639 --> 00:13:09,189 So you're saying he's a political troublemaker? 175 00:13:09,399 --> 00:13:14,791 No, but he could be a thorn in your side on strikes, public expenditure on welfare, 176 00:13:14,959 --> 00:13:17,554 inner cities, unemployment, defence. 177 00:13:17,721 --> 00:13:22,314 It's interesting that nowadays politicians want to talk about moral issues 178 00:13:22,479 --> 00:13:25,117 and bishops want to talk politics. 179 00:13:25,318 --> 00:13:29,028 And he'd speak with the authority of a bishop and from the Lords. 180 00:13:29,238 --> 00:13:31,628 He designed a new church in South London 181 00:13:31,800 --> 00:13:36,793 with places for dispensing orange juice, family planning and organising demos... 182 00:13:36,959 --> 00:13:41,238 - But no place for Holy Communion. - Are you serious? 183 00:13:41,439 --> 00:13:46,068 - Well, there was a dual-purpose hall. - And the Church approved this? 184 00:13:46,278 --> 00:13:50,238 - Of course. The Church is run by theologians. - So? 185 00:13:50,439 --> 00:13:55,467 Well, theology is a device for enabling agnostics to stay within the Church. 186 00:13:55,680 --> 00:13:58,671 I don't want Stanford. What am I to do? 187 00:13:58,880 --> 00:14:04,750 You could turn both candidates down, but that would be exceptional and not advised. 188 00:14:04,959 --> 00:14:10,238 Even though one wants God out of the Church of England and the other wants the Queen out? 189 00:14:10,439 --> 00:14:15,035 - The Queen is inseparable from the Church. - What about God? 190 00:14:15,880 --> 00:14:19,189 I think he's what's called an optional extra. 191 00:14:22,079 --> 00:14:26,278 Bernard's on his way up. Any more news about that nurse? 192 00:14:26,439 --> 00:14:30,274 - No, not really. - Can't the Foreign Office do something? 193 00:14:30,479 --> 00:14:35,269 The Foreign Office is there to explain why things can't be done. 194 00:14:35,439 --> 00:14:37,827 This could damage us very badly. 195 00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:42,356 All the Foreign Office does is shrug and say we mustn't upset the Kumranis. 196 00:14:42,559 --> 00:14:45,631 - Must be ghastly for her. - Who? 197 00:14:45,840 --> 00:14:47,876 Oh, that nurse. Yes. 198 00:14:48,079 --> 00:14:52,675 - You don't care about her either. - Oh, Annie. 199 00:14:52,840 --> 00:14:57,390 - You're only worried about your popularity. - That's not true. 200 00:14:57,599 --> 00:15:00,159 Sorry, Prime Minister. It's rather important. 201 00:15:00,318 --> 00:15:04,313 The Bishop of Banbury and the Church Missionary Society 202 00:15:04,479 --> 00:15:08,631 are sending the Dean of Baillie College to Kumran on a mercy mission. 203 00:15:08,840 --> 00:15:13,229 - An Oxford don? Why? - He's an expert on Islam. 204 00:15:13,399 --> 00:15:16,153 It's a faith to faith meeting. 205 00:15:16,358 --> 00:15:20,910 All right. Tell the Foreign Office I support their moves to support him. 206 00:15:21,120 --> 00:15:23,713 No, the Foreign Office want you to stop it. 207 00:15:23,880 --> 00:15:28,747 They say it's a futile gesture which will impair our relationship with a friendly country. 208 00:15:28,959 --> 00:15:31,836 But I think it's a good idea. Don't you, Annie? 209 00:15:32,039 --> 00:15:36,430 - You mean it might save the nurse? - Er, yes, that too. 210 00:15:36,599 --> 00:15:38,590 Principally. All right, tell them to go ahead. 211 00:15:39,559 --> 00:15:43,472 Oh, Lambeth Palace want to know if you've decided about Bury St Edmunds. 212 00:15:43,639 --> 00:15:45,675 - All right, Bernard. Thank you. - Good night. 213 00:15:45,840 --> 00:15:48,229 What's happening in Bury St Edmunds? 214 00:15:48,439 --> 00:15:52,149 - I've got to choose a bishop. - That's ridiculous! 215 00:15:52,358 --> 00:15:55,875 - Why? - You're not exactly religious. 216 00:15:56,079 --> 00:15:59,628 I'm Prime Minister. Religion has nothing to do with it. 217 00:15:59,840 --> 00:16:02,229 - To do with bishops?! - Not really. 218 00:16:02,399 --> 00:16:05,197 They're just managers in fancy dress. 219 00:16:06,479 --> 00:16:12,077 The Church of England has over 172,000 acres of land, thousands of tenants, 220 00:16:12,238 --> 00:16:18,429 leaseholds, property and investments worth a total of £1.6 billion. 221 00:16:18,599 --> 00:16:20,988 The ideal bishop is a corporate executive. 222 00:16:21,159 --> 00:16:25,438 A sort of merchant banker, personnel manager and estate agent. 223 00:16:25,639 --> 00:16:29,153 I'd prefer you to choose a man of God. 224 00:16:29,358 --> 00:16:34,354 They offered me one of those, but he wants to turn the Church into a religious movement. 225 00:16:35,358 --> 00:16:39,751 - They're trying to force a modernist on me. - Marxist or atheist? 226 00:16:39,959 --> 00:16:42,756 Both. Doesn't matter about the atheist bit, 227 00:16:42,918 --> 00:16:47,912 but being a Marxist could cause me a lot of trouble once he's in the House of Lords. 228 00:16:48,120 --> 00:16:51,510 - Can't you turn him down? - It would look political. 229 00:16:51,680 --> 00:16:55,751 - You said the Church IS political. - But it mustn't look it. 230 00:16:55,959 --> 00:16:57,950 I see. 231 00:16:58,120 --> 00:17:02,510 - Why not turn him down on religious grounds? - How do you mean? 232 00:17:02,680 --> 00:17:05,637 - Does he believe in Heaven and Hell? - Of course not. 233 00:17:05,840 --> 00:17:10,595 - The virgin birth? The resurrection? - No, nothing like that. 234 00:17:10,800 --> 00:17:15,189 - Isn't that enough? - Annie, you're brilliant! 235 00:17:15,358 --> 00:17:19,351 I'll reject both candidates and force them to submit another. 236 00:17:19,519 --> 00:17:23,148 I really want a candidate who'll get on with everybody. 237 00:17:23,358 --> 00:17:27,318 - Someone without strong views on anything? - Yes. 238 00:17:27,519 --> 00:17:32,876 It might help if he were inclined towards Christianity. That wouldn't do any real harm. 239 00:17:33,959 --> 00:17:36,756 So what you need is a sort of closet Christian. 240 00:17:36,959 --> 00:17:39,756 Exactly. Thank you, darling. 241 00:17:43,880 --> 00:17:49,398 The Six 0'Clock News from the BBC, with Sue Lawley and Nicholas Witchell. 242 00:17:51,479 --> 00:17:56,075 Good evening. News is just coming in that after two weeks in Kumran 243 00:17:56,238 --> 00:18:02,508 the Dean of Baillie College has succeeded in obtaining the release of Fiona McGregor, 244 00:18:02,720 --> 00:18:06,189 the British nurse held there in prison. 245 00:18:06,398 --> 00:18:11,394 She was awaiting a sentence of 40 lashes for possessing a bottle of whisky. 246 00:18:11,559 --> 00:18:16,952 She and the Dean are expected back in England tomorrow. Now for the rest of the news. 247 00:18:17,119 --> 00:18:19,508 The pound had another bad day... 248 00:18:21,079 --> 00:18:24,434 So it's true. I can't believe it. 249 00:18:24,639 --> 00:18:28,233 - It's a disaster. - Disaster! 250 00:18:28,439 --> 00:18:31,476 Whose idea was it to send him to Kumran? 251 00:18:31,680 --> 00:18:34,910 Eh, can't imagine. Bishop of Banbury perhaps? 252 00:18:35,119 --> 00:18:39,829 - We had the situation under control. - Yes, of course you did. 253 00:18:40,039 --> 00:18:46,229 We made our protest. The nurse would have been quietly flogged and stuffed in some jail. 254 00:18:48,278 --> 00:18:52,032 Within a couple of weeks, the press would forget. 255 00:18:52,238 --> 00:18:56,233 - Still, no real damage done. - There is to the Foreign Office. 256 00:18:56,398 --> 00:19:01,189 We've almost got agreement to set up a signals listening post in Kumran. 257 00:19:01,358 --> 00:19:06,229 We said we wouldn't make a fuss if they signed. We've lost our best bargaining counter. 258 00:19:06,439 --> 00:19:10,512 You could find another nurse and plant some Scotch on her! 259 00:19:10,720 --> 00:19:15,713 - I don't think we could do that. - No. No, it wouldn't be right. 260 00:19:17,119 --> 00:19:19,508 No, it's too dangerous. 261 00:19:20,680 --> 00:19:25,470 Still, at least it's got that nurse's ghastly mother off my back. 262 00:19:25,639 --> 00:19:30,872 She's been writing and phoning and telling the press that we haven't been doing anything. 263 00:19:31,079 --> 00:19:35,072 - Extraordinary. - And the press have taken her part. 264 00:19:35,238 --> 00:19:38,992 - Going on about being more patriotic! - Extraordinary. 265 00:19:39,198 --> 00:19:44,796 They've said a lot of unpleasant things, but we've never been accused of patriotism! 266 00:19:46,079 --> 00:19:51,278 Sometimes I can't believe the newspapers' abject ignorance of diplomatic realities. 267 00:19:51,439 --> 00:19:54,954 But we may have a problem with the PM now. 268 00:19:55,159 --> 00:19:57,957 Because we advised him against this? 269 00:19:58,119 --> 00:20:02,590 Because the Foreign Secretary said it was impossible to get her released! 270 00:20:02,800 --> 00:20:08,077 And we were right! If we'd left it to the Foreign Office, it would have been impossible. 271 00:20:08,278 --> 00:20:13,273 You see what will happen now? The press will say the Church succeeds where the F.O. fails. 272 00:20:13,439 --> 00:20:18,035 They'll dig out all the old cuttings about ambassadors' Rolls Royces, 273 00:20:18,198 --> 00:20:24,068 £4 million embassies, school fees at Eton paid for by the taxpayer and what does Britain get? 274 00:20:24,278 --> 00:20:27,874 - Don't. I know what we'll do. - What? 275 00:20:28,039 --> 00:20:33,351 We'll tell the press that it was the Prime Minister's initiative to send the Dean. 276 00:20:33,559 --> 00:20:37,073 Good idea. The PM will enjoy taking the credit. 277 00:20:38,278 --> 00:20:42,635 There's no danger the PM will deny it because it isn't true? 278 00:20:42,840 --> 00:20:45,637 None at all. 279 00:20:47,079 --> 00:20:53,075 And then for the Sundays we'll leak the idea that the Foreign Office suggested it to him 280 00:20:53,238 --> 00:20:55,673 when the diplomatic channels were blocked. 281 00:20:55,880 --> 00:21:00,668 Perfect. Nobody gets the blame and everybody gets the credit. 282 00:21:00,840 --> 00:21:04,548 - Except the person who really thought it up. - I don't mind. 283 00:21:08,119 --> 00:21:11,110 - Em... - (TELEPHONE RINGS) 284 00:21:11,278 --> 00:21:15,273 I don't mind that he doesn't get the credit. Excuse me. 285 00:21:15,439 --> 00:21:17,827 Hello? Oh, put him on. 286 00:21:17,999 --> 00:21:19,796 Oh, hello, Master. 287 00:21:20,760 --> 00:21:23,034 Have you seen the television news? Splendid! 288 00:21:23,238 --> 00:21:26,787 - Yes, absolutely splendid. - This could help our friend, eh? 289 00:21:26,999 --> 00:21:31,834 - Certainly could. - How long until a bishopric falls vacant? 290 00:21:32,039 --> 00:21:34,633 Well, there's no time like the present. 291 00:21:34,800 --> 00:21:40,396 I think the battle of Bury St Edmunds is not over yet. There have been developments. 292 00:21:40,559 --> 00:21:44,153 - (TELEPHONE RINGS) - Excuse me. 293 00:21:44,318 --> 00:21:47,789 Hello? Yes, ask him to come in. Thank you. 294 00:21:49,479 --> 00:21:53,871 I think we can still get the Dean up to the starting gate. 295 00:21:54,039 --> 00:21:56,633 As a late entry. Just leave it to me. 296 00:21:56,800 --> 00:21:59,950 All right. Bye, Master. Bye-bye. 297 00:22:00,159 --> 00:22:02,548 Ah, come in, Peter. 298 00:22:02,720 --> 00:22:08,351 I understand there's a meeting of the Crown Appointments Commission in the morning? 299 00:22:08,559 --> 00:22:12,552 Yes, they are aware that a further candidate is required 300 00:22:12,720 --> 00:22:15,153 since the PM saw fit to break with tradition. 301 00:22:15,358 --> 00:22:18,510 By insisting on a bishop who is a believer? 302 00:22:18,720 --> 00:22:24,316 There is one possible candidate, Steven Soames, but we've saved him up for years. 303 00:22:24,479 --> 00:22:27,039 - We'd rather offer him Truro. - Why? 304 00:22:27,238 --> 00:22:31,233 Well, Truro is... How shall I put it? Very remote. 305 00:22:31,398 --> 00:22:37,269 It is to the Church what the Vehicle Licensing Centre in Swansea is to the Civil Service. 306 00:22:37,479 --> 00:22:39,151 Yes. 307 00:22:39,358 --> 00:22:44,956 - Soames has been waiting for years. - Long time, no see. 308 00:22:45,159 --> 00:22:47,548 Oh, very droll, Humphrey. 309 00:22:48,680 --> 00:22:53,275 Yes, he is a bit of a nuisance. He keeps on about our duty to God. 310 00:22:53,439 --> 00:22:58,229 We rather wanted him out of the way. ''Long time, no see''! 311 00:22:58,398 --> 00:23:02,916 Yes, but if the PM wants a religious bishop, he's the only candidate. 312 00:23:03,119 --> 00:23:05,713 He sounds fine, but there is one little snag. 313 00:23:05,880 --> 00:23:09,872 - The PM wants you to put up two more names. - Two? 314 00:23:10,079 --> 00:23:12,673 You must give the PM the feeling of a choice. 315 00:23:12,840 --> 00:23:17,072 You need a second candidate who is plausible, but unacceptable. 316 00:23:17,278 --> 00:23:22,876 - I can't think who and the meeting's so soon. - Why not the Dean of Baillie College? 317 00:23:23,079 --> 00:23:27,994 - I agree he is impossible, but not plausible. - Why not? 318 00:23:28,159 --> 00:23:33,711 He's a crank! He's unbelievably vain and hopelessly incompetent. 319 00:23:33,918 --> 00:23:38,912 But the PM appoints people who are vain and incompetent - look at the Cabinet. 320 00:23:41,079 --> 00:23:43,468 And the Dean's just had good publicity. 321 00:23:43,680 --> 00:23:46,113 Isn't there a danger he'll get in? 322 00:23:46,318 --> 00:23:51,108 Not the slightest. The PM has stated that he wants a devout Christian. 323 00:23:51,278 --> 00:23:55,671 The Dean only believes in Islam, steam engines and the MCC. 324 00:23:55,840 --> 00:24:00,550 In fact, some smart aleck once asked him on TV if he knew what the Bible was. 325 00:24:00,760 --> 00:24:05,753 - And did he? - He said it's a Christian version of the Koran. 326 00:24:08,278 --> 00:24:11,316 ''Jim's Dean saves Fiona from lash''! 327 00:24:11,519 --> 00:24:13,907 - What about that? - Excellent. 328 00:24:14,079 --> 00:24:18,675 - ''Prime Minister's envoy secures release''. - Excellent, Prime Minister. 329 00:24:18,880 --> 00:24:22,349 - ''Angel of mercy was sent by PM''! - Excellent! 330 00:24:22,559 --> 00:24:26,677 I was given full credit on the news. I suppose it was me. 331 00:24:26,880 --> 00:24:29,028 It must have been. 332 00:24:29,238 --> 00:24:34,108 After all, I stopped the Foreign Office from stopping him, which is the same thing. 333 00:24:34,318 --> 00:24:40,235 - Too late to change it now. - I wonder why they gave me the credit, though. 334 00:24:40,439 --> 00:24:45,148 Well, they couldn't take it themselves. This looks like a government achievement. 335 00:24:45,358 --> 00:24:47,635 There's even a leader. 336 00:24:47,800 --> 00:24:52,269 ''It does the PM great credit that he has not been bound by the shackles of diplomacy. 337 00:24:53,238 --> 00:24:55,229 ''The Kumran aff...'' This IS important. 338 00:24:55,398 --> 00:25:00,189 Yes, but the Palace is waiting for your recommendation for Bury St Edmunds. 339 00:25:00,358 --> 00:25:02,715 The two names were in your box. 340 00:25:02,918 --> 00:25:05,717 I thought Steven Soames sounded right. 341 00:25:05,880 --> 00:25:10,590 The Dean of Baillie did a very good job, but I gather he's rather eccentric. 342 00:25:10,800 --> 00:25:15,394 I'm sure that Soames is the choice the Commissioners are hoping you make. 343 00:25:15,599 --> 00:25:18,796 Oh? Why? What's wrong with him? 344 00:25:18,999 --> 00:25:21,992 Well, I have heard say that he's an extremist. 345 00:25:22,198 --> 00:25:26,876 - You mean he believes in God? - He's very religious. 346 00:25:27,079 --> 00:25:29,434 That's all right for a bishop, isn't it? 347 00:25:29,639 --> 00:25:34,030 He tends to raise issues that governments would prefer not to be raised. 348 00:25:34,198 --> 00:25:39,193 He's a trenchant critic of abortion, contraception, sex education, pornography, 349 00:25:39,358 --> 00:25:42,635 Sunday trading, easy divorce and bad language on TV. 350 00:25:42,840 --> 00:25:47,229 - Oh. - He'd be likely to challenge government policy. 351 00:25:47,439 --> 00:25:52,229 But these are subjects on which the government is hoping to have no policy. 352 00:25:53,278 --> 00:25:56,077 Our policy is not to have a policy. 353 00:25:56,278 --> 00:26:00,510 Well, quite. He's against your no-policy policy. 354 00:26:00,720 --> 00:26:04,554 He will demand that you ban abortion, Sunday trading... 355 00:26:04,760 --> 00:26:07,068 Thank you. I get the picture. 356 00:26:07,278 --> 00:26:11,032 - He's also against oppression in Africa. - So are we. 357 00:26:11,238 --> 00:26:15,117 But he's against it from black AND white governments. 358 00:26:15,318 --> 00:26:18,311 Oh. You mean he's a racist? 359 00:26:19,680 --> 00:26:22,068 But you can choose him if you like. 360 00:26:22,278 --> 00:26:25,113 I can't turn down another two names. 361 00:26:26,318 --> 00:26:28,912 Well, there is always the Dean of Baillie. 362 00:26:29,119 --> 00:26:35,115 He's not really up to it, is he? I gather he's lazy, vain and uninterested in Christianity. 363 00:26:35,318 --> 00:26:37,707 But he's not AGAINST it! 364 00:26:38,720 --> 00:26:43,314 I think he would make a thoroughly suitable British bishop. 365 00:26:43,479 --> 00:26:47,756 Cricket, steam engines and a complete ignorance of theology. 366 00:26:47,959 --> 00:26:51,668 He's never had an ordinary church job. He's been at Oxford. 367 00:26:51,880 --> 00:26:54,599 - But he did well in Kumran. - Yes. 368 00:26:54,800 --> 00:26:59,918 I gather he's thinking of telling the press that the Kumran visit wasn't your idea. 369 00:27:01,079 --> 00:27:05,550 - What?! - He's thinking of telling the press... 370 00:27:05,760 --> 00:27:09,832 Yes, yes, I heard what you said. He can't say that! 371 00:27:10,039 --> 00:27:14,954 I gather he has a letter from the Bishop of Banbury dated before your involvement. 372 00:27:15,159 --> 00:27:19,914 But that would be frightfully embarrassing! Taking credit for something I didn't do. 373 00:27:20,119 --> 00:27:26,068 Yes, I can see the headlines now. ''PM takes credit for Dean's mercy mission''. 374 00:27:26,278 --> 00:27:29,077 ''Jim didn't fix it!'' Sorry. 375 00:27:29,959 --> 00:27:34,952 - He must be stopped! How can we stop him? - He feels he hasn't had enough recognition... 376 00:27:35,119 --> 00:27:40,318 That the Church hasn't had enough recognition for its role in Kumran. 377 00:27:40,519 --> 00:27:44,876 Well, give him some. Get him round for drinks. Photo opportunity. 378 00:27:45,079 --> 00:27:47,593 - That might be a little improper. - Why? 379 00:27:47,800 --> 00:27:53,715 If you're considering two candidates, you can hardly invite just one round for a drink. 380 00:27:53,918 --> 00:27:57,117 - I see. - Unless, of course... 381 00:27:57,318 --> 00:28:02,474 If you'd already given him the job, then it would be perfectly proper. 382 00:28:02,680 --> 00:28:04,476 Oh. 383 00:28:07,880 --> 00:28:10,269 Actually, Humphrey, 384 00:28:10,439 --> 00:28:13,635 I think he's rather a good choice for bishop. 385 00:28:13,800 --> 00:28:16,916 - He's an enterprising chap. - Enterprising. 386 00:28:17,119 --> 00:28:21,271 - Eccentricity can be a virtue. - If you call it individualism. 387 00:28:21,479 --> 00:28:26,269 I have an independent mind, you are an eccentric, he is round the twist. 388 00:28:26,439 --> 00:28:27,952 Sorry. 389 00:28:29,278 --> 00:28:34,273 Thank you, Bernard. Furthermore, we need people like him in the House of Lords. 390 00:28:34,439 --> 00:28:39,467 - People who really understand the Arab world. - And steam engines. 391 00:28:39,680 --> 00:28:44,470 Yes, on mature consideration, I think the Dean of Baillie is my choice. 392 00:28:44,639 --> 00:28:47,028 Convey that to the Palace, Bernard. 393 00:28:47,238 --> 00:28:51,631 - Yes, Prime Minister. - Now! Fast. Announce it by midday. 394 00:28:51,800 --> 00:28:54,791 Get him round for a drinkie at six. Move! 395 00:28:56,559 --> 00:29:01,586 - A wise decision, if I may say so. - You may, Humphrey. 396 00:29:01,800 --> 00:29:06,918 How come you know so much about the Dean of Baillie? Weren't you at Baillie yourself? 397 00:29:07,119 --> 00:29:11,635 - I was, yes. - Jobs for the boys, is it? 398 00:29:11,840 --> 00:29:14,434 On the contrary! I hardly know him. 399 00:29:14,599 --> 00:29:17,273 In fact, I happen to know that he dislikes me. 400 00:29:17,439 --> 00:29:23,150 You can ask him yourself this evening. I don't like him very much, either. 401 00:29:23,358 --> 00:29:25,952 - Honestly? - On my word of honour. 402 00:29:26,159 --> 00:29:30,390 - You have nothing to gain? - How could I have? 403 00:29:30,599 --> 00:29:32,988 In that case, well done. 404 00:29:33,159 --> 00:29:38,314 Helpful, impartial advice. The best traditions of the Civil Service. 405 00:29:40,479 --> 00:29:43,470 Yes, Prime Minister. 406 00:29:45,887 --> 00:29:59,321 http://episode-heaven.rt.hu