Bernard, where's that civil service reform bill?
I thought you promised sir Humphrey you were going to abandon it.
I never said abandon,
I said we could put it on the back burner.
That's civil service speak for abandoned.
- Where is it, Bernard? - It's gone.
- What do you mean gone? - Lost, discredited, shredded.
One of those, ages ago. I can't remember exactly.
- Bernard! - It really wasn't very good.
Too general, badly argued, impracticable, over specific...
Too general and over specific?
I kept a copy in your desk, Jim.
Ah!
Oh, yes.
This will really cramp their style, clip their wings, tie their hands.
Nothing has hands and wings, prime minister.
Didn't you just promise sir Humphrey
that you were going to put civil service reform on the back burner?
And now I'm putting it back on the front burner.
Humphrey shouldn't have leaked that we were joining the euro.
Particularly, as I had no intention of doing so.
- He was trying to twist my arm. - I know, prime minister...
And he leaked it to golding brothers bank,
where he has a directorship lined up.
We cannot allow leaks to the city
designed to increase one's market value on retirement.
This revolving door problem must be dealt with.
But the leak was inaccurate.
That doesn't excuse it. That makes it worse.
And it caused the run on the pound, remember?
But it was done from the best of motives.
This loan from kumranistan
will help save your summit conference at Lancaster house.
His motive in leaking was to feather his own nest.
Full stop. Piss off.
The country will love it. It's a winner.
And it will remind Humphrey who's running the country.
Sir Humphrey, the pm wants to talk to you again.
Ugh. What is it now?
I can't tell you. I am... I was told it's a secret.
Bernard, I am the one who decides what's secret.
But he intimated to me that he sees himself
as the proud successor to pitt and peel,
to gladstone and disraeli and Churchill.
He seems to think he's in charge and we're just paid officials.
Functionaries.
Good God!
It's not his business to interfere in the way government is run.
As the head of the home civil service, I am the true head of government.
But what's the prime minister then? ...Well, he's our marketing consultant.
The party leaders pitch for our business every four or five years, Bernard.
And the electorate simply chooses the mouthpiece of the moment.
But politicians do have their uses though, don't they?
Yes, they make the case for our policies on television
better than you and I would.
And when we write speeches,
we need someone to read them out for us in the house of commons.
But they come and go, Bernard, whereas we stay.
Permanence is power.
I'm really not sure that's a good system.
It's made britain what she is today.
That's true.
Ministers average 15 months in their jobs, Bernard.
And they're only in their departments part-time.
Their real job is getting re-elected.
Their attention and skill, well, such as it is,
is focused on the house of commons, their constituencies, the media,
and try to do down their opponents.
Whereas we are here for 30 or 40 years.
And we run a budget of I600 billion, Bernard.
It's quite obvious who's actually running the country.
Well, it's not obvious to the pm.
Prime ministers have a special talent for missing the obvious.
And this one is exceptionally gifted in that regard.
His capacity for self-deception borders on genius.
But the prime minister is the democratically-elected leader.
Oh, no, Bernard.
Bernard, prime ministers are the democratically-elected scapegoats.
They are there to take the blame on those rare occasions
when we do something badly.
But he makes policy decisions.
Well, he makes policy decisions, yes, but just trivial ones.
If he's going to start doing real things without our permission,
he must be stopped.
So your future, Bernard, depends on your telling me his secret.
Yes, sir Humphrey.
But I do have something else you might find rather interesting.
Well, go on.
Well, it seems they've just discovered another batch of mps' expenses claims.
- Yes. - And some of them are
from the prime minister before he was prime minister,
back when he was in opposition, after he was previously prime minister.
And?
And, well, urn, I'm not sure quite how to...
Well, some of them are not necessarily entirely, urn...
Well, they might be possibly construed as, urn, not completely honest.
Really, Bernard?
How shocking.
Do tell me more.
Well, it seems that for four years
he claimed rental on a house in his constituency.
When, in fact, he actually stayed at his parents' house
- and sublet the constituency house. - Ah.
He failed to declare the rental income. It's all here.
Oh, this is terrible, Bernard.
Yes, sir Humphrey.
If this got out, he'd have to resign.
And this is tax fraud.
That's prison.
Anyway, he wants to see you now.
Excellent.
I want to see him now.
Jim, just remember the old rule, never corner the rat, it may bite.
- Give him an escape route. - He can't escape from this one.
He's coming.
Ah, Humphrey. Do sit down.
We've been talking about this leak.
What leak, prime minister?
About joining the euro. Surely you've heard.
It's all around the city, apparently.
Oh, that, yeah, well.
- What can you tell me about it? - I, prime minister? Nothing.
Except that I'm told there all these rumours,
it happens all the time.
Oh, no, this is different.
Hardly anybody knew about your plan
and then golding brothers bank started buying up
wads of Euros this afternoon.
Who tipped them off?
Well, if anybody did, we'll never find out.
I think we will.
Where did you have lunch yesterday, sir Humphrey?
Oh, I don't remember.
It was le Gavroche, sir Humphrey.
Oh, yes.
Thank you, Bernard.
Le Gavroche.
- Why? - On your own?
Do you know, I don't recall. Who was it now?
You don't remember that, either?
One has so many lunches.
One a day, in fact.
Yes, yes.
I understand.
Bernard, ring le Gavroche and ask the head waiter
who sir Humphrey had lunch with yesterday.
Yes, now, now, I remember now. It was some friends.
- Who were they? - Just friends.
Not directors of golding brothers bank?
Prime minister, one does not cross examine one's friends
as to which directorships they may happen to hold.
Well, we can easily find out.
What is the point, exactly?
The point is, there is bound to be suspicion in cases like this.
Well, I can't see why, prime minister.
Surely you know the civil service will always do
what is best for the country.
What about the government?
Well, I presume the government will, too.
Humphrey, many people suspect
the public officials are using government information
to get themselves directorships
and lucrative quangos for their retirement.
I don't know how you could even suggest such a thing.
You think this suspicion is unfair to loyal civil servants.
Indeed I do.
Well, I'm afraid I share their suspicion.
Perhaps I'm wrong.
But, to be sure, I have decided to go ahead
with the civil service reform bill after all.
- What? - Yes.
I think you'll be very happy about this.
It will include a ban on any related jobs
for civil servants for five years after they retire.
No revolving door any more,
no paid directorships, no paid consultancies.
Prime minister, this is absurd.
Men of great wisdom, great experience,
leading figures of their generation, so much to offer.
And they can offer it, Humphrey.
Pro Bono.
That's Latin, Bernard.
- Pro Bono publico actually. - Exactly.
All that wisdom and experience can be offered
to the unpaid, voluntary sector, Humphrey, for the public good.
It will remove any temptation
to betray government confidences to commercial employers.
That will be a relief, won't it?
Well, it's never been a problem, prime minister.
We have a clearance committee.
Everybody's new job has to be approved by it.
Who appoints the members?
Oh, urn...
There is an established procedure.
You appoint them, sir Humphrey.
Do I?
Oh, yes. So I do.
Thank you, dear lady.
I do. As it happens.
We'll appoint an independent clearance Tsar.
Oh, no, please, prime minister, not another Tsar.
We need to bring outsiders in.
I want a government of all the talents.
The civil service acronym
for government of all the talents is goats.
Yeah.
Thank you, Bernard.
In the last three years,
you've appointed an enterprise Tsar, a youth crime Tsar,
a welfare Tsar, a pre-school supremo,
an unemployment watch dog, a banking regulator.
Oh, a science and technology supremo,
and a community policing Tsar.
If you go on like this, you won't need a cabinet.
- Perfect! - What...
Perfect? Prime minister, we even have a Twitter Tsar.
Her appointment was announced as a tweet.
Well, what is she supposed to achieve?
None of these people have ever achieved anything.
They achieve their objective,
at least 12 column inches in every paper.
Merely by announcing them, it was achieved,
it showed we were responsive, we were doing something.
And it shut the press up.
- And it didn't cost anything. - What?
The Twitter Tsar earns I160,000 a year.
Cheap at the price. Headline news everywhere.
It would have cost a lot more
if we'd set them up with offices and staff.
But that would have meant more index-linked pensions.
Which is something else
the civil service reform bill will address.
You're not really going to get rid
of index-linked pensions, prime minister?
Prime minister, you wouldn't want to do that to the nurses, would you?
Or the dedicated teachers,
the courageous policemen, the gallant firemen.
The starving permanent secretaries.
That is very droll.
Uh, prime min...
Actually, prime minister, I agree. Yes, I agree.
There are aspects of the organisation and administration of the public sector
which could certainly benefit from measured consideration
in the context of changing circumstances and the structural metamorphosis
precipitated by the communications revolution.
But it is important to bear in mind
that the administrative practical conditions of service
have evolved over many years
with manifold and complex inter-relationships.
So, any attempt to vary one of them
could have serious and unforeseeable effects
and unpredictable repercussions on others.
So, to that effect, I...
I would suggest setting up a series of interdepartmental committees...
Nope.
No, Humphrey.
No time for interdepartmental committees.
But there is one other change I'd welcome your views on.
Hmm, prime minister?
Would you call yourself a generalist with your degree in classics?
Oh, yes, indeed, I would. It's a first-class degree, actually.
- Me, too. - Claire got a double first.
Claire, tell sir Humphrey what your phd thesis at Cambridge was all about.
R was naked civil service, the pretence and the practice.
Very impressive, good lady.
It was published by the university press.
What a pity.
The publishers seem to be struggling to survive nowadays.
I wonder why?
Claire has thought of a way to improve the civil service.
That's impossible.
- To improve the service? - Or that I thought of a way?
The point is, I was over at the ministry of defence last week.
I find them rather impressive, don't you?
Well, I do.
And what was really impressive was
they actually knew what they were talking about.
They were qualified professionals,
soldiers, generals, admirals, experienced commanders.
Now, all our other government departments are staffed
by historians, literature graduates, classicists.
Ah, excellent. Men with the wisdom of the ages.
No, Humphrey! Amateurs!
- Amateurs? - We should have teachers
at the department of education.
Doctors and nurses at the department of health.
Accountants and actuaries at the treasury.
Experts! People who actually know what needs to be done!
I think that would be very dangerous, prime minister.
I want advice from real people,
who are living in the real world, doing the real jobs.
Prime minister, you are striking
at the very heart of our whole system of government.
Our success is founded upon staying free from the taint of professionalism
and the corruption of specialist knowledge.
You're not seriously going to...
You wouldn't... would he, Bernard?
I would.
Well, before you go any further, prime minister,
I have another problem.
- You have another problem? - Yes, prime minister.
Oh, poor old Humphrey, not your day, is it?
No, indeed.
Come on, then, out with it.
Well, it's about mp5' expenses.
I thought that was all over.
Well, the treasury auditors have come up with another batch
earlier than the ones that have been published.
Not a problem, we deal with them like the last lot.
Even if it means more criminal prosecutions?
Humphrey, if people break the law, they have to take the consequences.
- Even if it was some time ago? - Of course.
And even if some of the offenders have now reached positions of eminence?
- That depends. - No, Claire, it doesn't.
The law is no respecter of persons.
Prime minister, there are sometimes extenuating circumstances...
No, if people do wrong,
they have to be punished without fear or favour,
no matter who they are or how long ago it happened.
- Does that solve your problem, Humphrey? - No.
Not entirely, prime minister.
- Prime minister, I really must... - Quiet, Claire.
Well, one of the claims is clearly fraudulent and very large.
It concerns an opposition mp who claimed the rental of a home in his constituency
whereas he actually stayed with his parents.
He sublet the house
and he pocketed the rental without declaring it.
An opposition mp? ...Well, he was in opposition then.
He's in government now.
Not to put too fine a point on it, prime minister,
he's the prime minister,
prime minister.
It's all here.
Ah, yes.
Well, no, this... uh, this is...
I mean, you have to understand this, this was years ago.
Yes, but within the statute of limitations.
No, no, you don't understand, there was... there was terrific pressure
not to raise mps' salaries,
so the whips encouraged us to find other ways.
Everybody was doing it. It was a sort of gentlemen's agreement.
So, you're happy for me to release this?
No!
No, people wouldn't understand,
and the press always make a meal of this sort of thing.
Yes, but you do see my problem, prime minister.
I mean, you command my complete loyalty. I am your servant.
But the law is the law.
And the law concerning being an accessory
to a criminal act is very clear.
- Is this a photocopy? - Yes.
It does put me in a very difficult position, prime minister.
I see.
Prime minister, may I have a word with you in private?
Oh, oh, yes.
Urn... would you excuse us please, Humphrey?
Oh, yes. And the reform to the civil service bill?
- You'll think about it. - I'll think about it.
Thank you, prime minister.
Him, too.
Really? Urn...
Bernard, Claire and I are having a private word.
Fine.
Yes, it won't be private until you've actually gone.
Oh, I see.
I thought that as I was your principal private secretary,
I was privy to...
- Oh, get out, Bernard! - Yes, prime minister.
Claire, what am I going to do?
If I go ahead with civil service reform,
he'll spill the beans about my expenses claims.
It's blackmail.
I think Humphrey would call it a negotiating position.
It isn't. I'm not in a position to negotiate.
I think you are.
I told you I was looking into Humphrey's affairs.
Jim, have you ever heard of government procurement cards?
No. What are they?
They're just ordinary credit cards really,
except for the government picks up the tab.
Used by civil servants for government purchases.
You mean stationery, rail fares, that sort of thing?
In theory.
And in practice?
In practice, there are bills from pubs, pizza parlours,
karaoke bars, gift websites, visits to tesco.
- Using public money? - For private purchases, yes.
And the person ultimately responsible for this
is the head of the civil service.
Humphrey!
So, naturally, I checked his personal procurement card.
Naturally.
Why didn't you tell me till now?
I dint want to corner the rat, but now that it's bitten you,
I think we have no choice but to kill it.
Haslemere riding school?
His daughter likes horses.
Thank you, Claire. You are indispensable.
I think we might have word with him about this.
Bernard, could you and Humphrey come back in here, please?
If you look on this page here,
you'll find some very interesting statistics
about the whole procurement card business.
Extraordinary! I had no idea.
Ah!
You wanted a word, prime minister?
Well, really I want your help.
Well, that could be difficult. This is a serious criminal matter.
Are you by any chance referring to my expenses?
Well, yes, that is what we were discussing.
Just to digress for a moment.
Urn, I want your help in understanding procurement cards.
Oh, well, they're just government credit cards for official purchases.
- How many civil servants have them? - A few hundred, maybe.
Well, if you include local government, maybe getting on to 1,000.
And how much is spent on them, roughly?
Oh, a few hundred thousand, maybe.
According to my information
there are 140,000 procurement cards circulating within the public sector.
I can't imagine where you got that figure.
I got it from the controller-general's office.
Oh, well, then, of course, yes. Well, it...
I mean, yes... That really is surprising.
- Did it surprise you, Bernard? - No, sir Humphrey.
Well, it surprises me.
But the annual cost is rather more than a few hundred thousand pounds.
Oh, well, if you include everything, I suppose, at the end of the day
with one thing or another, it could be getting on for, urn...
Urn, maybe a million.
- Rather more. - Million and a half.
Two million?
- Surely not. - A billion, sir Humphrey.
One thousand million pounds a year.
I can't believe that. Can you believe that, Bernard?
Yes, sir Humphrey.
Well, I can't! It just goes to show, doesn't it?
What an expensive business government is.
- Certainly does. - Yes.
Stationery, office furniture, electrical goods, legal services...
Pubs, pizza parlours, supermarkets, karaoke bars...
Surely not.
Oh, yes, Humphrey, they're all in here.
Thousands and thousands of them.
I'm shocked. Aren't you shocked, Bernard?
No, sir Humphrey.
But, Humphrey, aren't you responsible for this?
Well, yes, but you cannot expect me to monitor
every item on every government procurement card...
Now, prime minister, if this is an attempt to distract
from the serious matter of your dubious expenses claim...
Certainly not!
But you are expected to know about a billion pounds' worth of expenditure
by your officials.
Oh, yes, of course, thank you very much for reminding me, dear lady.
Any fraudulent offenders will be very severely dealt with.
With the full rigour of service disciplinary procedures.
- Certainly. - And criminal charges,
- where appropriate. - Most certainly.
Good!
Because I've been looking at your own procurement card spending.
Those are confidential documents, they're not for disclosure!
They've been disclosed at the prime minister's request.
You seem to have charged a lot of restaurant bills,
very expensive restaurants.
Yes, it's government hospitality.
Club subscriptions, the mcc, golf clubs, the Athenaeum.
Well, I have to socialise
with many important people, in the national interest.
Three cases of chateau Margaux from Berry brothers wine merchants
delivered to your home address.
Two weeks for you and lady Appleby at a hotel in Deauville
coinciding with your summer leave.
Riding lessons in haslemere.
Orchids from haslemere florists limited.
Let's get to the point, sir Humphrey.
If you reopen the question of mp5' expenses,
you will, in fact, be joining the prime minister in a career suicide pact.
Do you want that?
Dear lady, how could you even suggest such a thing?
I am the prime minister's humble servant.
- Therefore? - Therefore,
his interests are Paramount in my thoughts.
Therefore?
Well, therefore, while it is true that, in principle,
the activities and procedures of government
should be conducted with unimpeachable transparency
and, indeed, punished with unmitigated vigour,
it would be unrealistic and, indeed, rather foolish
to ignore the possibility that, under the pressure of unforeseen events,
circumstances and situations can arise
in which the principle of transparency, if too literally applied,
could precipitate a series of consequences
which might not only cause grave embarrassment to the government,
but also inflict severe damage on the national interest.
Rendering it, therefore, not only tactically expedient,
but also politically advisable, nay, indeed imperative,
to suspend, purely temporarily of course,
the principle of universal freedom of information
and to withhold, entirely in the public interest,
information which might simultaneously bring unwarranted disrepute
on the affairs of state
and unfairly undermine confidence
in the probity and competence of those to whom has been given
the responsibility for the conduct of affairs.
Sweep it under the carpet, you mean?
Oh, no, prime minister.
Nothing should ever be swept under the carpet.
Merely held over till the time is ripe.
He means sweep it under the carpet.
Excellent advice, Humphrey.
Because we still have this ongoing crisis.
We still need this loan from kumranistan,
which you say has to be in Euros,
but, as you know, I won't join the euro.
Well, if you don't, prime minister,
and if Europe does not get this loan,
it will be engulfed in a complete financial meltdown.
And the civil service reform bill, what shall we do about that?
Yes, I've been thinking about that.
And, alas, I don't think you've got time for it in this parliamentary session.
No.
No, not if our share of the Kumranistani loan comes in pounds
because we'd have to pass a new finance act.
But if it were to come in Euros, it would all be handled in brussels,
leaving us plenty of time for civil service reform.
Ah!
So, you mean, prime minister,
that if the European central bank agreed
that the monies could go direct to the individual countries...
In their chosen currency.
Then civil service reform would go back on the back burner.
Ah!
But you said they wouldn't agree.
No, I said I didn't think they'd agree.
- I could be wrong. - Ah!
Say that again.
I said, I could be wrong.
Leave it with me, prime minister.
Bernard.
Well played, Jim.
Oh, Gerhard. Can you spare a moment?
Of course.
It's about this kumranistan loan.
You know what I think.
It's a lifeline for Europe and your absurd government is blocking it.
You think Humphrey can square the European central bank?
I think so. He'll be talking to Gerhard muller right now.
The President of the ecb, he's here?
Yes, to complete the arrangements with mr Aitikeev.
- Could you go ahead without us? - I don't see how.
The kumranistanis want a guarantee of British oil purchases.
You have over 60 million people in your country.
And the loan must be in Euros?
But it was you who insisted on that.
It would be a major step towards a United States of Europe,
which you and I have always wanted.
Well, yes, but the prime minister won't go along with it.
Then get another prime minister.
Can't do that tonight, Gerhard. Be reasonable.
Well, I don't see why not.
Most of his cabinet want the job. They've all mentioned it to me.
The home secretary, the foreign secretary, the chancellor.
Yes, but none of them will challenge him on this.
We still have some elements of a democracy in britain,
alas!
So, is britain blowing the deal?
Not if we can get our share of the loan in sterling.
Well, that's too bad.
Jim hacker is against all the principles of the European super state.
- Yes. - His request is contrary
to the whole spirit of the European movement.
- Yes. - He is setting back,
by years, britain's final integration into Europe.
Yes, but 10 trillion dollars.
Exactly.
- So you agree. - Of course. I have no choice.
Do you have to square it with any other countries?
No, that would be anarchy.
Brussels decides, then everyone does what we say.
That's how we do things in Europe.
- I'm envious. - Of course.
In my opinion, Humphrey was just trying it on.
Ramping up pressure on you to agree to the join the euro.
So that's why he leaked his plans to his banking chums.
I doubt if he meant to.
I expect he was just sucking up to them.
Showing how useful he could be.
He was probably horrified when they started buying Euros.
He has going to have to do some explaining to Gerhard muller.
He'll blame you.
Prime minister, I've just had a word
with the head of the European central bank.
Yes. And?
Well, it seems that the alternative economic arrangement
which you stipulated could conceivably be accommodated
within the current proposed formalities,
as long as they can be diplomatically and democratically resolved.
Is that a yes or a no, Bernard?
Yes, prime minister.
Yes, it's a yes, or yes, it's a no?
No, it's a yes, prime minister.