1
00:00:30,960 --> 00:00:33,122
Well, it's been quite a day, hasn't it?

2
00:00:33,720 --> 00:00:39,250
My getting that ten trillion dollar
loan from kumranistan in sterling

3
00:00:39,560 --> 00:00:41,085
changes everything, doesn't it?

4
00:00:41,160 --> 00:00:44,926
- Yes, prime minister.
- Saves the Lancaster house conference.

5
00:00:45,040 --> 00:00:47,520
"Jim hacker saves Europe."

6
00:00:47,640 --> 00:00:48,801
Yes, prime minister.

7
00:00:48,880 --> 00:00:50,803
Nothing else can go wrong tonight,
can it?

8
00:00:50,880 --> 00:00:53,531
- Well, I can't see how.
- Good.

9
00:00:53,760 --> 00:00:55,000
Let's have a drink.

10
00:00:55,480 --> 00:00:57,960
- Prime minister.
- Oh, cheer up,

11
00:00:58,040 --> 00:01:00,202
Bernard, have a drinkie.

12
00:01:00,680 --> 00:01:02,444
Oh, don't look so worried.

13
00:01:03,400 --> 00:01:07,200
It looks as though we've reached a deal
on that civil service reform bill,

14
00:01:07,280 --> 00:01:10,568
and your index-linked pension
may be safe after all.

15
00:01:10,640 --> 00:01:13,120
But, prime minister, we have a situation

16
00:01:13,200 --> 00:01:15,441
with the kumranistan foreign secretary.

17
00:01:15,560 --> 00:01:17,722
- Mr Aitikeev?
- Nice chap.

18
00:01:18,400 --> 00:01:19,686
Well, yes.

19
00:01:19,760 --> 00:01:21,125
Well...

20
00:01:21,840 --> 00:01:23,729
He just button-holed me in the hall.

21
00:01:23,800 --> 00:01:26,644
It seems that
mr Aitikeev wants us to provide

22
00:01:28,480 --> 00:01:30,721
some sexual entertainment for him.

23
00:01:31,080 --> 00:01:32,366
What a prat.

24
00:01:33,200 --> 00:01:35,771
That's really not our problem, Bernard,
or yours.

25
00:01:35,840 --> 00:01:38,047
Boundaries do have to be drawn, Bernard.

26
00:01:38,120 --> 00:01:39,360
I know, sir Humphrey.

27
00:01:39,440 --> 00:01:41,841
But with respect, prime minister,
it is our problem.

28
00:01:42,880 --> 00:01:46,680
I confess I didn't handle it
as diplomatically as I should have.

29
00:01:47,280 --> 00:01:49,123
I'm afraid he felt slighted.

30
00:01:49,400 --> 00:01:52,688
He indicated that unless we find him
what he wants he won't sign the contract

31
00:01:52,760 --> 00:01:55,001
tomorrow for the ten trillion
dollar loan to Europe.

32
00:01:55,120 --> 00:01:56,929
- What?
- My God!

33
00:01:57,000 --> 00:01:58,365
How did this happen?

34
00:01:58,560 --> 00:02:01,086
Why didn't you say
you'd try to find him someone?

35
00:02:01,160 --> 00:02:03,640
Well, I should have, but frankly,
I was a little shocked.

36
00:02:04,920 --> 00:02:06,684
You always were a prig, Bernard.

37
00:02:07,560 --> 00:02:09,164
If you say so, sir Humphrey.

38
00:02:09,240 --> 00:02:12,005
So go back to mr Aitikeev
and tell him you are working on it.

39
00:02:12,080 --> 00:02:13,206
Well, how exactly?

40
00:02:13,280 --> 00:02:16,762
Yes, how exactly, dear lady,
this is chequers, not soho.

41
00:02:17,320 --> 00:02:20,244
Surely, Bernard can get a girl up
from London.

42
00:02:20,320 --> 00:02:22,322
- Me?
- Are you serious?

43
00:02:22,400 --> 00:02:24,402
What about all the security at the gate?

44
00:02:24,600 --> 00:02:25,965
Don't use the gate.

45
00:02:26,040 --> 00:02:28,691
It's only 20 minutes from
the west end to chequers by helicopter.

46
00:02:28,760 --> 00:02:31,127
They check it before departure,
but nobody checks it on arrival.

47
00:02:31,200 --> 00:02:33,771
And where do you suggest
we get a chopper?

48
00:02:33,840 --> 00:02:35,330
At this time of night?

49
00:02:35,400 --> 00:02:38,961
We do actually have an raf helicopter
standing by this weekend,

50
00:02:39,040 --> 00:02:40,166
the one the queen uses.

51
00:02:43,160 --> 00:02:45,447
Do I understand this correctly?

52
00:02:45,800 --> 00:02:48,883
You want us to bring a call girl here

53
00:02:48,960 --> 00:02:50,849
in the royal helicopter?

54
00:02:52,000 --> 00:02:56,005
Would you say that is an appropriate
use of taxpayer's money?

55
00:02:58,640 --> 00:03:01,166
Well, we do want the deal signed
tomorrow, don't we?

56
00:03:04,720 --> 00:03:05,801
Got any better ideas?

57
00:03:05,880 --> 00:03:08,531
I think we should talk
to mr Aitikeev about this.

58
00:03:08,640 --> 00:03:09,801
- Who should?
- You should.

59
00:03:09,920 --> 00:03:11,081
I'm not doing it.

60
00:03:11,160 --> 00:03:13,766
Well, the foreign secretary
is his opposite number,

61
00:03:13,840 --> 00:03:16,491
but we didn't invite him this weekend.
Claire can't, she's a woman.

62
00:03:16,560 --> 00:03:18,244
You outrank him. It has to be you.

63
00:03:18,320 --> 00:03:21,449
I can't possibly do it,
this conversation is for an underling.

64
00:03:21,560 --> 00:03:22,686
Like you, Humphrey.

65
00:03:24,680 --> 00:03:25,966
An important underling.

66
00:03:26,560 --> 00:03:29,450
I have to be able to deny
any knowledge of this.

67
00:03:29,520 --> 00:03:33,002
Well, I suggest that as mr Aitikeev
spoke to Bernard,

68
00:03:33,080 --> 00:03:34,844
Bernard is your principal
private secretary,

69
00:03:34,920 --> 00:03:38,242
yes, Bernard should talk to him.
That is the diplomatic protocol.

70
00:03:38,560 --> 00:03:41,006
I can't seem to recall
any diplomatic protocol

71
00:03:41,080 --> 00:03:44,482
that specifies the principal
private secretary does the pimping.

72
00:03:46,520 --> 00:03:50,241
Well, no, not you yourself, maybe,
but one of your people.

73
00:03:50,320 --> 00:03:52,084
I haven't got any people here.

74
00:03:52,440 --> 00:03:55,842
And, prime minister, we absolutely can't
let anyone else in on this.

75
00:03:55,920 --> 00:03:58,321
- Why not?
- I am afraid there's more.

76
00:03:58,400 --> 00:04:03,122
More?
...Well, he has specific tastes.

77
00:04:03,440 --> 00:04:06,728
- You mean blonde or brunette?
- Not exactly.

78
00:04:06,840 --> 00:04:08,171
What, do you mean a ginger?

79
00:04:10,280 --> 00:04:11,770
No, sir.

80
00:04:12,160 --> 00:04:13,889
Well, what? Big boobs?

81
00:04:14,800 --> 00:04:15,881
Small boobs.

82
00:04:17,000 --> 00:04:18,968
Big burn? What?

83
00:04:19,120 --> 00:04:20,565
Is he gay?

84
00:04:20,640 --> 00:04:22,529
If only it were that simple.

85
00:04:22,600 --> 00:04:25,080
Bernard, what sort of woman
does he want?

86
00:04:25,160 --> 00:04:26,525
Not a woman.

87
00:04:27,920 --> 00:04:30,161
- Three women.
- Three women?

88
00:04:30,680 --> 00:04:32,250
More if possible.

89
00:04:32,320 --> 00:04:33,526
An orgy.

90
00:04:33,600 --> 00:04:36,285
I can't believe my ears.

91
00:04:36,560 --> 00:04:39,484
Preferably one European,
one Asian and one black.

92
00:04:41,080 --> 00:04:43,845
At least it's equal
opportunities fornication.

93
00:04:44,520 --> 00:04:47,524
- Claire, this isn't funny.
- Sorry, prime minister.

94
00:04:47,600 --> 00:04:50,524
He said that's what they provided
at those international monetary fund

95
00:04:50,600 --> 00:04:52,682
conferences with Dominique Strauss-Kahn.

96
00:04:54,040 --> 00:04:57,283
Britain is not the imf, we don't
have a budget for that sort of thing.

97
00:04:57,400 --> 00:04:58,526
No.

98
00:04:58,600 --> 00:05:00,409
And we're accountable to the taxpayer,

99
00:05:00,480 --> 00:05:02,562
we can't possibly have
anything to do with this.

100
00:05:02,840 --> 00:05:04,968
So, what do you suggest I do?

101
00:05:05,360 --> 00:05:08,045
He said if we don't do this for him
the whole deal's off.

102
00:05:09,240 --> 00:05:12,483
Well, how did he mention it?
Was he embarrassed?

103
00:05:12,560 --> 00:05:14,767
He told me to see to it or else.

104
00:05:14,840 --> 00:05:17,002
You should have said
it just wasn't possible.

105
00:05:17,080 --> 00:05:18,241
I did.

106
00:05:18,320 --> 00:05:19,765
He said they got a man on the moon,

107
00:05:19,840 --> 00:05:22,161
we can get three girls
from king's cross.

108
00:05:23,680 --> 00:05:24,920
That's technically true.

109
00:05:25,000 --> 00:05:27,367
But hardly the point, Claire.

110
00:05:27,640 --> 00:05:30,405
Well, apparently, he's also
friends with mr Berlusconi.

111
00:05:30,480 --> 00:05:32,801
He's been to several
of his bunga bunga parties.

112
00:05:33,960 --> 00:05:39,000
I wonder if mr Aitikeev really can
wipe out months of diplomacy.

113
00:05:39,280 --> 00:05:44,366
It wouldn't take much. A word here,
a word there, a hint of lost confidence,

114
00:05:44,480 --> 00:05:46,482
this whole thing's very finely balanced.

115
00:05:46,560 --> 00:05:49,245
But Aitikeev wants the deal, right?

116
00:05:49,480 --> 00:05:51,403
Yes, but he doesn't need it.

117
00:05:51,600 --> 00:05:55,241
They can still take the pipeline through
Russia instead of Southern Europe.

118
00:05:55,320 --> 00:05:59,086
Well, he's certainly not getting any
more weapons if he screws us over.

119
00:05:59,160 --> 00:06:02,050
Or, maybe Aitikeev doesn't care
about the weapons,

120
00:06:02,120 --> 00:06:04,805
maybe it's just his president
who wants them.

121
00:06:04,880 --> 00:06:07,008
Internal repression,
that's a possibility.

122
00:06:07,080 --> 00:06:11,130
But doesn't Aitikeev have to account
to his president if this all goes South?

123
00:06:11,200 --> 00:06:14,283
Well, theoretically, but Aitikeev
is here and the president's over there.

124
00:06:14,520 --> 00:06:17,490
All I know is we have
to make this deal stick.

125
00:06:17,720 --> 00:06:19,961
What happens if it all falls apart,

126
00:06:20,040 --> 00:06:22,122
and kumranistan gets offended?

127
00:06:22,200 --> 00:06:23,326
That wouldn't be good.

128
00:06:23,400 --> 00:06:26,722
It would not!
It is a very unstable region.

129
00:06:27,160 --> 00:06:29,845
Nuclear proliferation is spreading.

130
00:06:30,160 --> 00:06:32,083
Yes, proliferating, in fact.

131
00:06:33,560 --> 00:06:36,131
Urn, Bernard,
did the kumranistan ambassador

132
00:06:36,200 --> 00:06:37,565
return to London after dinner?

133
00:06:37,640 --> 00:06:40,883
- No, he's staying overnight, too.
- The ambassador? Good idea.

134
00:06:40,960 --> 00:06:43,486
- Bring him here, right away.
- Yes, prime minister.

135
00:06:50,400 --> 00:06:51,526
Who is it?

136
00:06:51,600 --> 00:06:54,171
I'm the prime minister's
principal private secretary.

137
00:06:54,240 --> 00:06:55,321
Who?

138
00:06:56,960 --> 00:06:58,883
I'm from the prime minister.

139
00:06:59,120 --> 00:07:01,248
- Can I come in?
- I suppose so.

140
00:07:04,240 --> 00:07:05,287
Yes?

141
00:07:05,640 --> 00:07:08,644
I'm very, very sorry
to intrude, your excellency.

142
00:07:09,000 --> 00:07:10,081
What do you want?

143
00:07:10,320 --> 00:07:12,891
We have a problem with mr Aitikeev,

144
00:07:13,040 --> 00:07:15,202
- your foreign secretary.
- A problem?

145
00:07:15,600 --> 00:07:18,171
I don't quite know
how to put this but, urn...

146
00:07:18,480 --> 00:07:20,642
He... he...

147
00:07:22,240 --> 00:07:24,891
Doesn't want to spend the night alone.

148
00:07:25,240 --> 00:07:26,685
Ah, that.

149
00:07:27,800 --> 00:07:28,926
Again.

150
00:07:30,880 --> 00:07:33,360
- I'm afraid so.
- Everywhere he goes.

151
00:07:34,160 --> 00:07:37,243
- How interesting.
- But we don't have a problem, young man.

152
00:07:37,320 --> 00:07:40,164
It's your problem.
...Well, yes, I suppose it is...

153
00:07:40,280 --> 00:07:41,611
So why don't you talk to him?

154
00:07:41,680 --> 00:07:44,126
I really don't see
what I can possibly say.

155
00:07:44,320 --> 00:07:46,084
What do you propose to do?
Find him a woman?

156
00:07:46,240 --> 00:07:49,449
Me? Not me. Definitely, not me.

157
00:07:49,840 --> 00:07:51,126
I'm a civil servant.

158
00:07:52,280 --> 00:07:54,009
No sex, please, we are the government.

159
00:07:55,880 --> 00:08:00,044
Your excellency, the prime minister
hoped you might be able to help.

160
00:08:00,440 --> 00:08:02,329
I'm an ambassador, not a procurer.

161
00:08:03,440 --> 00:08:05,727
Of course not, I wasn't suggesting that.

162
00:08:06,960 --> 00:08:08,564
I just think he wants your advice

163
00:08:08,640 --> 00:08:12,042
as to how to dissuade mr Aitikeev
from pursuing this, uh...

164
00:08:12,760 --> 00:08:14,171
- This...
- Ambition?

165
00:08:14,320 --> 00:08:15,446
Yes.

166
00:08:15,880 --> 00:08:16,961
You mean now?

167
00:08:17,880 --> 00:08:19,405
All right.

168
00:08:20,120 --> 00:08:21,531
Do I have to put on some clothes?

169
00:08:21,600 --> 00:08:23,967
Well, I've never been asked, "do I have
to put on some clothes?"

170
00:08:24,040 --> 00:08:26,088
By someone who's about to have
a meeting with the prime minister.

171
00:08:28,920 --> 00:08:31,048
Look, I have got to get
this all straight in my mind

172
00:08:31,120 --> 00:08:32,485
before we start this meeting.

173
00:08:32,560 --> 00:08:34,642
Always a good idea, prime minister.

174
00:08:35,160 --> 00:08:38,004
- Would you like a recap?
- I'd prefer a night cap.

175
00:08:38,960 --> 00:08:40,450
Claire, get me another scotch.

176
00:08:42,400 --> 00:08:44,687
Let's go through it all, right now.

177
00:08:44,840 --> 00:08:45,921
The whole bottle?

178
00:08:47,680 --> 00:08:49,250
The whole problem.

179
00:08:50,400 --> 00:08:52,846
What's that? A dirty glass.

180
00:08:53,720 --> 00:08:55,927
Get me a proper drink, woman.

181
00:08:57,600 --> 00:08:59,887
So just as we are on the brink

182
00:08:59,960 --> 00:09:02,281
of getting a ten trillion dollar loan,

183
00:09:02,360 --> 00:09:05,569
this lecherous
Kumranistani foreign secretary

184
00:09:05,640 --> 00:09:09,770
makes a new demand,
three assorted hookers for him

185
00:09:09,840 --> 00:09:13,765
to have sex with tonight at chequers

186
00:09:13,840 --> 00:09:16,525
- under my roof!
- Yes, prime minister.

187
00:09:17,920 --> 00:09:20,969
Why does he think he can get away
with this outrageous demand?

188
00:09:21,080 --> 00:09:22,241
Because he has oil.

189
00:09:24,000 --> 00:09:25,923
Well, here's my question,

190
00:09:26,000 --> 00:09:30,130
why didn't MI6 warn us
that Aitikeev was a sex addict?

191
00:09:30,520 --> 00:09:32,522
Well, perhaps they don't know.

192
00:09:32,720 --> 00:09:35,007
But that's their job, isn't it?

193
00:09:36,000 --> 00:09:40,210
We could have been blackmailing
kumranistan for donkey's years.

194
00:09:41,600 --> 00:09:45,286
Prime minister, please don't say it that
way, we do not approve of blackmail

195
00:09:45,360 --> 00:09:47,283
as an instrument of government policy.

196
00:09:47,360 --> 00:09:48,850
Since when?

197
00:09:52,080 --> 00:09:55,607
Prime minister, blackmail is criminal.
We use leverage.

198
00:09:58,520 --> 00:10:01,524
Tell me about this ambassador.
What's he like?

199
00:10:01,760 --> 00:10:05,128
Oh, he's a jolly good chap, we were
undergraduates together at Oxford.

200
00:10:05,200 --> 00:10:06,690
Ah, he's a friend.

201
00:10:06,880 --> 00:10:08,291
We are friendly.

202
00:10:08,600 --> 00:10:11,171
The ambassador of kumranistan,
prime minister.

203
00:10:11,440 --> 00:10:14,808
I am not ready for him yet, oh, God!

204
00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:16,041
Oh, good.

205
00:10:17,280 --> 00:10:19,487
Ah, your excellency.

206
00:10:19,600 --> 00:10:22,444
Uh, prime minister,
please excuse my déshabillé.

207
00:10:22,520 --> 00:10:25,000
I had just retired for the night
when I received your summons.

208
00:10:25,080 --> 00:10:27,401
No problem. No, no.

209
00:10:27,480 --> 00:10:30,165
We're... we're awfully casual
at chequers.

210
00:10:31,680 --> 00:10:33,205
Aren't we, Bernard?

211
00:10:47,720 --> 00:10:48,767
Humphrey?

212
00:10:53,120 --> 00:10:55,361
Ah, bubbles, my dear chap.

213
00:10:55,520 --> 00:10:56,965
Bubbles?

214
00:10:57,800 --> 00:11:00,451
It's like the old days, isn't it?
Late-night drinks and all that?

215
00:11:00,520 --> 00:11:01,601
Bubbles?

216
00:11:03,360 --> 00:11:05,886
- They don't know your old nickname?
- They didn't.

217
00:11:06,760 --> 00:11:09,240
It's nothing, prime minister,
it's the silliest little thing.

218
00:11:09,320 --> 00:11:12,130
I used to be partial to champagne,
that's all.

219
00:11:12,400 --> 00:11:16,246
And you know Claire Sutton,
head of the policy unit at number 10.

220
00:11:16,320 --> 00:11:18,004
- Yes, indeed. We met at dinner.
- Good!

221
00:11:18,240 --> 00:11:19,571
Do sit down.

222
00:11:20,920 --> 00:11:22,046
Well...

223
00:11:22,680 --> 00:11:26,207
I am glad that you and bubbles

224
00:11:28,480 --> 00:11:30,801
- are old friends.
- Yes, indeed.

225
00:11:31,400 --> 00:11:33,164
So, Bernard's briefed you.

226
00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:36,122
I am not sure that I know precisely
what you are asking me.

227
00:11:36,200 --> 00:11:38,362
Does mr Aitikeev mean what he says?

228
00:11:38,760 --> 00:11:42,242
The foreign minister consults me
on matters of kumranistan's policy

229
00:11:42,320 --> 00:11:44,322
pertaining to the United Kingdom.

230
00:11:44,400 --> 00:11:48,962
Mr Aitikeev's sexual proclivities
are not a matter of public policy.

231
00:11:49,200 --> 00:11:53,683
- You knew about his perverted tastes?
- I don't consider it my business.

232
00:11:53,760 --> 00:11:57,685
Well, unfortunately, he has rather
made it your business, wouldn't you say?

233
00:11:57,960 --> 00:12:01,806
Your excellency, do you think
mr Aitikeev will renege

234
00:12:01,880 --> 00:12:05,885
on his commitment to the pipeline
contract if we cannot, um,

235
00:12:05,960 --> 00:12:09,282
- well, oblige him tonight.
- He can be stubborn.

236
00:12:11,920 --> 00:12:15,686
Look, I suspect that my personal opinion
is the same as yours.

237
00:12:16,160 --> 00:12:19,562
In my country, prostitution is not
approved of, of course,

238
00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:22,086
but sex with multiple partners is fine.

239
00:12:22,360 --> 00:12:23,725
We allow polygamy.

240
00:12:23,840 --> 00:12:25,649
But this is prostitution.

241
00:12:25,720 --> 00:12:29,770
Yes, but I am here not as a moralist,
but as a servant of my government.

242
00:12:29,840 --> 00:12:32,923
But there are moral considerations here.

243
00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:34,206
Indeed, there are.

244
00:12:34,280 --> 00:12:36,886
And in all fairness to mr Aitikeev,

245
00:12:36,960 --> 00:12:40,328
I am quite sure he didn't ask you
to obtain virgins for him.

246
00:12:42,480 --> 00:12:44,608
- Am I right?
- No.

247
00:12:45,000 --> 00:12:46,161
He didn't.

248
00:12:46,960 --> 00:12:49,201
As I thought. He would never do that.

249
00:12:51,280 --> 00:12:53,601
- Because?
- Moral considerations.

250
00:12:54,880 --> 00:12:57,565
Also, wouldn't it be a rather
impractical request?

251
00:12:57,640 --> 00:12:59,563
Three virgin call girls?

252
00:13:00,600 --> 00:13:03,683
The reason is that he would not
want to defile them.

253
00:13:03,760 --> 00:13:06,366
He would want women
who have already been defiled.

254
00:13:06,440 --> 00:13:08,522
That's more moral?

255
00:13:09,280 --> 00:13:14,002
In our culture, once a female has been
defiled, she is worthless, dishonoured.

256
00:13:14,160 --> 00:13:18,210
Her family will not take her back.
If they do, they will probably kill her.

257
00:13:18,280 --> 00:13:21,887
Few men would marry her.
Her only real future is in a brothel.

258
00:13:22,160 --> 00:13:25,926
As a moral society, we have no tolerance
for that sort of thing.

259
00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:28,729
Not among women, anyway.

260
00:13:31,120 --> 00:13:33,646
Are you suggesting, your excellency,

261
00:13:33,720 --> 00:13:36,963
that we are a less moral society
than kumranistan?

262
00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:39,004
I would say, yes.

263
00:13:39,080 --> 00:13:41,970
We are even more rigorous
about purity than Great Britain.

264
00:13:42,320 --> 00:13:44,288
We would certainly not allow <i>page</i> 5,

265
00:13:44,520 --> 00:13:47,330
or some of the publications I saw
at a newsagents like,

266
00:13:47,640 --> 00:13:51,690
<i>lusty British babes, or big ones.</i>

267
00:13:53,360 --> 00:13:56,170
But in this instance,
mr Aitikeev is offering

268
00:13:56,240 --> 00:13:58,561
an excellent opportunity to these girls.

269
00:13:58,640 --> 00:14:02,645
He is not ungenerous, I am sure
he would give them hundreds of pounds,

270
00:14:02,720 --> 00:14:06,042
if not thousands. That's better
than death, wouldn't you say?

271
00:14:06,840 --> 00:14:08,922
Yes, but that's not the choice here.

272
00:14:09,000 --> 00:14:10,161
In our culture, it isn't a question...

273
00:14:10,240 --> 00:14:12,641
Forgive me, but I'm describing
our culture,

274
00:14:12,720 --> 00:14:14,131
mr Aitikeev's culture.

275
00:14:14,200 --> 00:14:18,364
It's unthinkable. There'd be
national outrage if this got out.

276
00:14:18,720 --> 00:14:22,566
The British public would think
it was just wrong.

277
00:14:22,840 --> 00:14:24,490
Maybe they would just be envious.

278
00:14:25,280 --> 00:14:27,362
That's even worse, politically.

279
00:14:27,440 --> 00:14:30,410
- British women would think it wrong.
- And some men.

280
00:14:30,640 --> 00:14:32,927
You say to-may-to, and I say to-ma-to.

281
00:14:33,120 --> 00:14:34,246
What?

282
00:14:35,360 --> 00:14:37,931
You believe your values are right,
so do we.

283
00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:40,931
You believe you should impose
your values on us,

284
00:14:41,000 --> 00:14:44,243
many of my people would like
to impose their values on you.

285
00:14:44,320 --> 00:14:46,641
I say, live and let live.

286
00:14:47,360 --> 00:14:49,522
- Are you a Muslim?
- I'm a diplomat.

287
00:14:49,600 --> 00:14:50,681
Yes.

288
00:14:51,600 --> 00:14:55,810
Yes, I know, but apart from that,
what are you?

289
00:14:56,160 --> 00:14:57,366
I am a libra.

290
00:14:59,320 --> 00:15:02,130
- And a member of the mcc, of course.
- Oh, well, that's good.

291
00:15:02,200 --> 00:15:03,565
Yes, yes, that's good.

292
00:15:03,680 --> 00:15:06,684
- You don't want to discuss religion.
- Dear me, no.

293
00:15:06,960 --> 00:15:09,486
I was brought up to believe
it was bad manners to discuss religion

294
00:15:09,560 --> 00:15:10,891
in polite company, weren't you?

295
00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:12,889
Well, I think
the prime minister was asking

296
00:15:12,960 --> 00:15:14,689
because you seem rather English.

297
00:15:14,760 --> 00:15:16,842
Harrow and Oxford, miss Sutton.

298
00:15:16,920 --> 00:15:18,365
I know how to play a straight bat.

299
00:15:18,440 --> 00:15:21,125
Opening bat for Oxford, actually.
Got a blue.

300
00:15:21,920 --> 00:15:23,809
The point is, prime minister,

301
00:15:24,360 --> 00:15:26,931
my government has expressed
a willingness to help you

302
00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:28,809
obtain a loan that you need.

303
00:15:28,880 --> 00:15:30,450
It's to your advantage, too.

304
00:15:30,520 --> 00:15:34,047
I'm sure your government
would prefer not to have Russia's fist

305
00:15:34,120 --> 00:15:36,088
on the pipeline's jugular.

306
00:15:36,160 --> 00:15:37,605
I shouldn't really be saying this,

307
00:15:37,680 --> 00:15:40,411
but it is mr Aitikeev
who wants this treaty.

308
00:15:41,400 --> 00:15:45,644
Quite frankly, our president is not
as pro-Western as mr Aitikeev.

309
00:15:46,320 --> 00:15:49,210
And he responds to pressure
from our extremists.

310
00:15:49,280 --> 00:15:51,408
We have thousands of them
in kumranistan.

311
00:15:51,480 --> 00:15:53,209
How do you define an extremist?

312
00:15:53,480 --> 00:15:55,448
Anyone who opposes
the government, really.

313
00:15:56,440 --> 00:15:59,091
Well, we've got millions
of extremists here.

314
00:16:00,880 --> 00:16:02,848
Yes, a majority, actually.

315
00:16:04,560 --> 00:16:07,086
The president of kumranistan,
I must warn you,

316
00:16:07,160 --> 00:16:11,370
is not convinced by your desire
to force what you call democracy

317
00:16:11,440 --> 00:16:13,647
down the throats of the peoples
of our region

318
00:16:13,720 --> 00:16:16,007
when he can see the dismal results
of it here.

319
00:16:16,080 --> 00:16:18,560
You have the nerve

320
00:16:18,680 --> 00:16:23,129
to suggest to me the British democracy
produces dismal results!

321
00:16:23,200 --> 00:16:25,601
Oh, no, no, no, prime minister,
he did not mean that.

322
00:16:25,680 --> 00:16:27,648
You did not mean that, did you? Freddie?

323
00:16:27,720 --> 00:16:29,449
No. No, prime minister.

324
00:16:29,520 --> 00:16:32,091
I was not referring to you,
perish the thought.

325
00:16:32,560 --> 00:16:34,528
I mean all those who oppose you,

326
00:16:34,840 --> 00:16:36,649
who try to intervene in your noble,

327
00:16:36,720 --> 00:16:38,882
tireless work for the British people.

328
00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:41,804
He's right, actually.

329
00:16:43,120 --> 00:16:45,202
Yes, indeed. Indeed, he is.

330
00:16:45,840 --> 00:16:47,490
- Shall we?
- Yes.

331
00:16:49,440 --> 00:16:51,647
Let me try and explain, your excellency.

332
00:16:51,720 --> 00:16:56,009
Procuring women for sex
is against the law in this country.

333
00:16:56,200 --> 00:16:57,690
But governments break laws

334
00:16:57,760 --> 00:17:00,047
whenever they perceive
it's in their national interest.

335
00:17:00,480 --> 00:17:02,960
<i>Why do you have the sas and mks?</i>

336
00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:05,880
What are covert operations in reality,

337
00:17:05,960 --> 00:17:07,450
if not lawbreaking operations?

338
00:17:07,520 --> 00:17:10,364
Ah, but we do need them.
We live in very dangerous times.

339
00:17:10,440 --> 00:17:11,487
I know.

340
00:17:11,560 --> 00:17:13,961
At your level, breaking the odd law
doesn't count.

341
00:17:14,040 --> 00:17:17,362
Well, obviously, as long
as the press don't find out.

342
00:17:18,800 --> 00:17:22,885
Unless, my God, one of these girls
turned out to be under-aged.

343
00:17:22,960 --> 00:17:24,371
That would be ghastly.

344
00:17:24,440 --> 00:17:27,569
Though many cultures, including ours,
allow sex at puberty.

345
00:17:28,240 --> 00:17:31,084
In Sweden, the age of consent is 15.

346
00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:33,527
Well, that's Sweden.
Sweden, I mean...

347
00:17:35,400 --> 00:17:36,526
In Italy, it's 14.

348
00:17:36,600 --> 00:17:37,840
- That's different.
- Hot-blooded.

349
00:17:37,920 --> 00:17:39,445
It's the mafia.

350
00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:42,324
In Spain, it's 13.

351
00:17:42,640 --> 00:17:45,325
- Really?
- And in the Vatican, it's 12.

352
00:17:47,720 --> 00:17:48,767
Twelve?

353
00:17:48,840 --> 00:17:49,921
Until two years ago.

354
00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:52,287
They raised it to 14
to match Italian law.

355
00:17:52,360 --> 00:17:54,362
What kind of law would you call that?

356
00:17:54,520 --> 00:17:57,046
It's the law of supply and demand,
I should imagine.

357
00:17:59,080 --> 00:18:00,764
Perhaps the church
wanted to bring itself

358
00:18:00,840 --> 00:18:02,922
up to mr Berlusconi's standards.

359
00:18:04,600 --> 00:18:06,284
Not every country is like britain,
you know.

360
00:18:06,400 --> 00:18:08,482
No, more's the pity.

361
00:18:08,600 --> 00:18:11,729
Prime minister,
I urge you to be practical.

362
00:18:11,800 --> 00:18:15,646
This would be the first step
on a very slippery slope.

363
00:18:15,880 --> 00:18:18,281
Down which you have been sliding
ever since you took the job.

364
00:18:18,880 --> 00:18:20,245
It's the price of power.

365
00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:23,729
These girls are doing a job.
They will be well paid.

366
00:18:24,480 --> 00:18:27,006
And, as a result,
unemployment will drop,

367
00:18:28,280 --> 00:18:31,284
oil prices will drop,
repossessions will stop.

368
00:18:31,840 --> 00:18:35,049
Greece, Italy and Spain
will be bailed out.

369
00:18:35,320 --> 00:18:37,846
And Europe will be saved from disaster.

370
00:18:44,200 --> 00:18:45,884
I bid you good night.

371
00:18:52,440 --> 00:18:53,521
Well!

372
00:18:53,600 --> 00:18:55,682
He's trying to claim some
sort of moral equivalence

373
00:18:55,760 --> 00:18:57,091
between his culture and ours.

374
00:18:57,160 --> 00:18:58,685
- There isn't any.
- No.

375
00:18:59,200 --> 00:19:00,281
Is there, Humphrey?

376
00:19:04,280 --> 00:19:08,410
I can't possibly agree to this.

377
00:19:09,760 --> 00:19:11,000
- Can I?
- Of course not.

378
00:19:11,080 --> 00:19:12,206
Can't possibly.

379
00:19:13,360 --> 00:19:14,930
Can I, Humphrey?

380
00:19:19,280 --> 00:19:21,487
But we have to get this deal,

381
00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:23,486
or I'm history.

382
00:19:23,600 --> 00:19:25,364
Yes, prime minister.

383
00:19:29,720 --> 00:19:33,202
Sir, how would you want me
to handle mr Aitikeev's request?

384
00:19:34,720 --> 00:19:38,406
Look, let's discuss this question
for what it actually is.

385
00:19:39,200 --> 00:19:42,124
Is it better for three escorts
to get screwed

386
00:19:42,200 --> 00:19:44,521
than the whole European economy?

387
00:19:47,160 --> 00:19:50,482
Well, if you put it like that,
there's no choice.

388
00:19:50,760 --> 00:19:52,205
- Quite.
- Quite.

389
00:19:52,600 --> 00:19:54,364
But, here's the problem.

390
00:19:54,440 --> 00:19:56,807
If we do get in these girls

391
00:19:56,880 --> 00:19:58,848
and it got out somehow,

392
00:19:58,920 --> 00:20:01,446
the public wouldn't understand.

393
00:20:02,320 --> 00:20:03,606
No shit.

394
00:20:05,440 --> 00:20:07,568
Is there a way to neutralise that?

395
00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:08,687
Well, prime minister,

396
00:20:08,760 --> 00:20:11,843
you've always taken
a very high moral tone

397
00:20:11,920 --> 00:20:13,888
against casual sex.

398
00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:18,887
If you are now to endorse prostitution
as an instrument of government policy,

399
00:20:20,360 --> 00:20:23,489
there is a chance you could
be accused of inconsistency.

400
00:20:25,720 --> 00:20:29,770
But, there are exceptions to every rule,

401
00:20:29,840 --> 00:20:33,811
and, in this case,
I would make a special exception

402
00:20:33,920 --> 00:20:35,968
to allow the girls

403
00:20:36,040 --> 00:20:39,442
to have patriotic sex with Aitikeev.

404
00:20:40,800 --> 00:20:43,121
They'd be doing it for their country,

405
00:20:43,480 --> 00:20:44,641
for britain.

406
00:20:44,720 --> 00:20:45,767
It would...

407
00:20:45,840 --> 00:20:50,084
It would... actually, it would be an act
of the greatest nobility.

408
00:20:50,760 --> 00:20:51,921
In which position?

409
00:20:53,520 --> 00:20:54,885
Shut up, Claire!

410
00:20:55,240 --> 00:20:58,528
But, prime minister,
procuring women for sex is a crime.

411
00:20:58,600 --> 00:21:01,809
- Mr Aitikeev has diplomatic immunity.
- But you haven't.

412
00:21:02,560 --> 00:21:05,370
- I could be prosecuted?
- Conspiracy, pandering...

413
00:21:05,440 --> 00:21:06,965
Only if I knew about it.

414
00:21:07,040 --> 00:21:08,724
But you do know about it.

415
00:21:09,600 --> 00:21:10,726
Bernard?

416
00:21:10,800 --> 00:21:14,202
Just a moment, please. Would you
excuse us, please, prime minister?

417
00:21:15,680 --> 00:21:17,091
May I have a word...

418
00:21:18,280 --> 00:21:22,285
Bernard, I think a period of silence
from you would be rather beneficial

419
00:21:22,360 --> 00:21:23,361
for all of us.

420
00:21:23,440 --> 00:21:24,487
I don't see why.

421
00:21:24,560 --> 00:21:27,643
Well, Bernard, you seem to be putting
all your cards on the table.

422
00:21:27,720 --> 00:21:29,688
We are poker players, Bernard.

423
00:21:29,760 --> 00:21:32,127
We play our cards close to our chest.

424
00:21:32,320 --> 00:21:34,926
Not when the prime minister's
considering a criminal act.

425
00:21:35,000 --> 00:21:36,889
How in the world
can we go along with that?

426
00:21:36,960 --> 00:21:39,770
Bernard, there are two worlds.

427
00:21:40,000 --> 00:21:44,961
There is the world of high principles,
and noble ideals and eternal verities.

428
00:21:45,040 --> 00:21:49,489
That is the world of philosophers,
theologians, academics.

429
00:21:49,720 --> 00:21:53,088
And then there is the world
of unsavoury realities

430
00:21:53,160 --> 00:21:55,242
and squalid practicalities,

431
00:21:55,320 --> 00:21:56,845
the world of politics and government.

432
00:21:58,600 --> 00:22:00,921
My world, Bernard, and yours.

433
00:22:01,000 --> 00:22:02,206
The real world.

434
00:22:02,280 --> 00:22:04,408
But, sir Humphrey,
this is a matter of black and white.

435
00:22:04,520 --> 00:22:07,091
No, no, there's nothing
black and white in our world, Bernard.

436
00:22:07,160 --> 00:22:09,049
Ours is a world of dirty grey.

437
00:22:10,560 --> 00:22:13,245
I appreciate you wish
to take the moral course.

438
00:22:13,320 --> 00:22:15,721
Well, sometimes it is unclear
which course that is.

439
00:22:15,800 --> 00:22:19,600
Politicians, they can talk about
what's right and what's wrong.

440
00:22:19,680 --> 00:22:23,571
We talk about what works
and what doesn't.

441
00:22:23,680 --> 00:22:25,887
So we put morality in the pending tray.

442
00:22:25,960 --> 00:22:27,086
But, sir Humphrey, surely...

443
00:22:27,600 --> 00:22:31,082
Bernard, I do understand how you feel.

444
00:22:31,240 --> 00:22:32,969
Don't you think I agree with you?

445
00:22:33,320 --> 00:22:34,367
No.

446
00:22:35,800 --> 00:22:37,131
Actually, I don't.

447
00:22:38,240 --> 00:22:39,480
Well, do you?

448
00:22:39,560 --> 00:22:42,086
We have an obligation
to the present government.

449
00:22:42,160 --> 00:22:43,685
We are their servants, Bernard.

450
00:22:43,760 --> 00:22:47,321
We can't possibly allow our personal
prejudices to get in the way.

451
00:22:47,400 --> 00:22:49,562
I didn't realise you cared about
the present government.

452
00:22:49,760 --> 00:22:51,125
Oh, I do,

453
00:22:51,800 --> 00:22:53,131
and I don't.

454
00:22:54,320 --> 00:22:56,368
Bernard, a narrow majority,

455
00:22:56,560 --> 00:22:58,050
a divided government,

456
00:22:58,120 --> 00:23:00,282
with a cabinet at each other's throats,

457
00:23:00,360 --> 00:23:04,285
and a prime minister who's, to say
the least, intellectually challenged.

458
00:23:05,480 --> 00:23:07,562
It's the perfect situation for us.

459
00:23:08,160 --> 00:23:10,686
We can run the country
simply, efficiently,

460
00:23:10,760 --> 00:23:12,888
with virtually
no political interference at all.

461
00:23:13,960 --> 00:23:17,567
If this government falls,
then the opposition might get back in,

462
00:23:17,640 --> 00:23:19,244
possibly with a big majority.

463
00:23:19,320 --> 00:23:21,926
And they may try to run things
their way, Bernard,

464
00:23:22,000 --> 00:23:23,365
instead of ours.

465
00:23:24,640 --> 00:23:27,086
It would be like the Thatcher years
all over again.

466
00:23:28,800 --> 00:23:31,087
We'd be facing that real horror,

467
00:23:31,720 --> 00:23:34,724
the early retirement
of senior civil servants.

468
00:23:36,280 --> 00:23:38,123
One of those being dismissed
might be you.

469
00:23:38,680 --> 00:23:40,523
- Oh, I see.
- Yes.

470
00:23:41,360 --> 00:23:42,964
But I must hold on to my principles.

471
00:23:43,040 --> 00:23:45,327
Oh, hold on to them.
Just don't brandish them.

472
00:23:47,520 --> 00:23:49,284
Just put them in your pocket,

473
00:23:49,360 --> 00:23:52,045
and don't take them out again
if anybody's looking.

474
00:23:53,640 --> 00:23:55,165
Ah, Humphrey.

475
00:23:56,280 --> 00:23:57,770
We've been talking.

476
00:23:57,840 --> 00:23:59,922
This absolutely mustn't leak,

477
00:24:00,000 --> 00:24:02,924
and, if it does, the prime minister
knows nothing about it.

478
00:24:03,000 --> 00:24:05,651
- Okay?
- Do you think people will believe that?

479
00:24:05,880 --> 00:24:08,121
Well, there are so many things
you don't know, what's one more?

480
00:24:10,160 --> 00:24:12,083
We must frame it differently.

481
00:24:12,160 --> 00:24:14,527
Bernard, you called it,
"procuring women for sex".

482
00:24:14,600 --> 00:24:17,046
We must avoid that kind
of inflammatory language,

483
00:24:17,120 --> 00:24:18,849
even in a classified document.

484
00:24:18,920 --> 00:24:23,369
We can't use the words "prostitute,
hooker, call girl or escort," okay?

485
00:24:23,680 --> 00:24:26,968
Remember, Clinton got into trouble
just for a blowjob.

486
00:24:29,920 --> 00:24:32,730
Prime minister,
you must take no part in this.

487
00:24:32,800 --> 00:24:35,531
Deniability works better
if there's a little truth in it.

488
00:24:35,600 --> 00:24:38,888
Yes, but, speaking personally,
what is your view?

489
00:24:39,240 --> 00:24:40,969
What about these three women?

490
00:24:41,040 --> 00:24:44,886
Well, in difficult circumstances,
sacrifices do have to be made,

491
00:24:44,960 --> 00:24:47,201
especially by ordinary people.

492
00:24:49,840 --> 00:24:50,966
He's right.

493
00:24:51,040 --> 00:24:53,691
But, if you were
to go through with this,

494
00:24:53,920 --> 00:24:55,331
how should it be referred to?

495
00:24:55,560 --> 00:24:57,847
We must make it sound positive.

496
00:24:58,280 --> 00:25:00,806
Like the yanks did with torture.

497
00:25:01,720 --> 00:25:05,441
They called it
"enhanced interrogation techniques".

498
00:25:07,000 --> 00:25:09,480
How about
"enhanced entertainment techniques"?

499
00:25:09,560 --> 00:25:12,245
Well, it would have worked,
but it's been done.

500
00:25:15,000 --> 00:25:16,764
Horizontal diplomacy.

501
00:25:18,400 --> 00:25:19,811
Smoking gun.

502
00:25:20,600 --> 00:25:23,285
Anglo-kumranistan liaison project.

503
00:25:23,360 --> 00:25:25,044
It's a bit of a mouthful.

504
00:25:25,400 --> 00:25:26,526
That's it.

505
00:25:27,640 --> 00:25:29,369
It's a euro job.

506
00:25:29,760 --> 00:25:31,000
Brilliant!

507
00:25:31,600 --> 00:25:32,886
A euro job.

508
00:25:32,960 --> 00:25:34,883
We may need some way
to refer to the women, too.

509
00:25:34,960 --> 00:25:37,531
What do we call someone
who gives a euro job?

510
00:25:37,640 --> 00:25:38,801
A eurologist?

511
00:25:40,880 --> 00:25:44,123
If it does get out,
how will we defend it?

512
00:25:44,200 --> 00:25:46,601
We can't! It's impossible. It's...

513
00:25:46,680 --> 00:25:49,286
It's reckless. We're not in London.

514
00:25:49,520 --> 00:25:51,602
Mr Aitikeev is a guest in this house,

515
00:25:51,680 --> 00:25:53,205
not at some hotel.

516
00:25:53,280 --> 00:25:55,169
If such a scandal were to get out,

517
00:25:55,240 --> 00:25:57,641
we couldn't blame
the Porter or the concierge

518
00:25:57,720 --> 00:25:59,245
for finding the women for him.

519
00:25:59,320 --> 00:26:02,164
There must be somebody to blame.
There always is.

520
00:26:02,560 --> 00:26:03,607
Who?

521
00:26:03,680 --> 00:26:07,571
I don't know. It's your job
to find me people to blame.

522
00:26:08,720 --> 00:26:09,767
But who?

523
00:26:09,840 --> 00:26:12,650
Security is intense.
The gates are guarded.

524
00:26:12,720 --> 00:26:16,566
Tarts in king's cross can hardly
flag down the royal helicopter.

525
00:26:17,240 --> 00:26:20,449
- Someone would have authorised it.
- Yes, you.

526
00:26:20,840 --> 00:26:23,286
No, prime minister, not me.

527
00:26:24,800 --> 00:26:26,325
You'd refuse to obey me.

528
00:26:26,600 --> 00:26:28,284
No, sir.

529
00:26:30,000 --> 00:26:33,049
You give me a signed instruction,
and I'll execute it.

530
00:26:40,240 --> 00:26:42,925
Humphrey, come back in here, please?

531
00:26:47,400 --> 00:26:48,925
Is there no other way?

532
00:26:49,200 --> 00:26:50,690
We could just say no to him.

533
00:26:50,800 --> 00:26:52,643
I can't risk that!

534
00:26:52,720 --> 00:26:54,722
Collapse of conference.

535
00:26:54,880 --> 00:26:58,601
Collapse of backbench support.
Collapse of coalition.

536
00:26:58,760 --> 00:27:02,162
Collapse of cabinet.
Collapse of my career.

537
00:27:02,880 --> 00:27:06,646
This is the biggest disaster
since dunkirk.

538
00:27:08,160 --> 00:27:09,844
I think not, prime minister.

539
00:27:09,920 --> 00:27:11,490
Name a bigger one.

540
00:27:11,560 --> 00:27:13,483
The freedom of information act.

541
00:27:15,400 --> 00:27:18,006
Humphrey, I'm begging you,

542
00:27:18,080 --> 00:27:19,411
what is your advice?

543
00:27:19,640 --> 00:27:23,042
Prime minister,
one hesitates to say this,

544
00:27:23,400 --> 00:27:26,609
but there are times
when circumstances conspire

545
00:27:26,720 --> 00:27:30,247
to create an inauspicious
concatenation of events

546
00:27:30,320 --> 00:27:34,450
that necessitate a metamorphosis,
as it were, of the situation.

547
00:27:34,520 --> 00:27:36,284
Such that what happened
in the first instance

548
00:27:36,360 --> 00:27:39,523
to be of primary import,
fraught with hazard and menace,

549
00:27:39,600 --> 00:27:43,286
can be relegated to a secondary,
or indeed a tertiary, position,

550
00:27:43,360 --> 00:27:47,046
while a new and hitherto unforeseen
or unappreciated element

551
00:27:47,120 --> 00:27:49,122
can, and indeed should, be introduced

552
00:27:49,200 --> 00:27:51,771
to support and supercede
those prior concerns,

553
00:27:51,840 --> 00:27:53,126
not by confronting them,

554
00:27:53,200 --> 00:27:56,204
but by subordinating them
to the overarching imperatives

555
00:27:56,280 --> 00:27:59,124
and increased urgency of the previously
unrealised predicament,

556
00:27:59,200 --> 00:28:02,568
which may now only be
susceptible, refers par/bus,

557
00:28:02,640 --> 00:28:04,563
to radical and remedial action,

558
00:28:04,640 --> 00:28:06,051
such that you might feel

559
00:28:06,120 --> 00:28:09,727
you wish to strategically reallocate
the current burdens of your office

560
00:28:09,800 --> 00:28:14,089
so that you can resolve the intractable
position in which you find yourself.

561
00:28:18,200 --> 00:28:19,725
What does he mean, Bernard?

562
00:28:21,160 --> 00:28:25,324
I think that he is perhaps suggesting
the possibility that you, urn,

563
00:28:26,240 --> 00:28:27,810
consider your position.

564
00:28:28,760 --> 00:28:30,762
Resign, in fact, prime minister.

565
00:28:31,280 --> 00:28:32,964
Make way for a cabinet colleague.

566
00:28:33,040 --> 00:28:35,646
I am not resigning, Humphrey!

567
00:28:36,480 --> 00:28:39,290
You have got to think of a way
to work this out.

568
00:28:39,520 --> 00:28:40,760
That's what you're here for!

569
00:28:43,080 --> 00:28:44,605
Yes, prime minister.