1
00:00:31,080 --> 00:00:32,286
Thanks.

2
00:00:32,960 --> 00:00:36,203
That was the BBC again.
Piling on the agony.

3
00:00:36,280 --> 00:00:38,726
A big news story about global warming
has just broken,

4
00:00:38,800 --> 00:00:42,282
and they're adding that to the programme
about you on Sunday morning.

5
00:00:42,360 --> 00:00:44,840
Global warming computer models
have been proved wrong.

6
00:00:44,920 --> 00:00:47,844
The new models show it's even worse
than previously thought,

7
00:00:47,920 --> 00:00:50,002
much more severe and happening faster.

8
00:00:50,080 --> 00:00:52,162
Is that supposed to be my fault, too?

9
00:00:52,240 --> 00:00:53,890
They want to know
why the government's dragging

10
00:00:53,960 --> 00:00:55,564
its feet on co2 emission controls.

11
00:00:55,640 --> 00:00:58,246
Do we have to deal with that tonight,

12
00:00:58,320 --> 00:01:01,369
as well as the collapsing summit,

13
00:01:01,560 --> 00:01:05,929
the ecb, the BBC,
my treacherous cabinet,

14
00:01:06,040 --> 00:01:09,169
my disloyal colleagues, your leaks,

15
00:01:09,240 --> 00:01:12,847
the illegal immigrant cook,
the run on the pound,

16
00:01:12,920 --> 00:01:15,321
the Kumranistani pervert?

17
00:01:15,400 --> 00:01:20,930
Is there anything else,
anything else we can pile on me tonight?

18
00:01:21,080 --> 00:01:25,449
Oh, yes! Global bloody warming,
thank you very much!

19
00:01:27,080 --> 00:01:28,889
Prime minister, might I suggest

20
00:01:28,960 --> 00:01:31,406
you don't worry too much
about global warming?

21
00:01:31,480 --> 00:01:34,450
Right. Well, I can't do much
about it tonight, can I?

22
00:01:34,520 --> 00:01:37,888
Why should the global warming computer
models be any more reliable or accurate

23
00:01:37,960 --> 00:01:42,045
than the financial ones? Wall street's
computer models were designed

24
00:01:42,120 --> 00:01:45,488
to show that sub-prime mortgage
derivatives were low risk.

25
00:01:45,560 --> 00:01:47,881
And these global warming
computer models are designed

26
00:01:47,960 --> 00:01:49,530
to show that global warming
is getting worse.

27
00:01:49,600 --> 00:01:53,127
- Oh, come off it, Humphrey.
- You remember mad cow disease?

28
00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:55,362
The computer models for that proved

29
00:01:55,440 --> 00:01:58,649
that we'd all be dying in our
hundreds of thousands by now.

30
00:01:58,720 --> 00:02:02,008
- But, in fact, hardly any died.
- You're suggesting what, exactly?

31
00:02:02,080 --> 00:02:03,923
Well, the computer models leave out

32
00:02:04,000 --> 00:02:06,844
nearly all other possible causes
except co2.

33
00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:10,009
And then they say, "oh, look,
co2 has caused all this global warming."

34
00:02:10,080 --> 00:02:11,730
There aren't any other causes,
are there?

35
00:02:11,800 --> 00:02:14,849
Haven't you seen that film of
melting icebergs in the antarctic?

36
00:02:14,920 --> 00:02:16,729
Yes. They're beautiful, aren't they?

37
00:02:16,800 --> 00:02:18,643
That's caused by co2.

38
00:02:18,720 --> 00:02:22,088
No, dear lady, that's caused by
warm water masses from the pacific.

39
00:02:22,320 --> 00:02:24,243
Why are the polar bears
becoming extinct?

40
00:02:24,320 --> 00:02:26,641
- Oh, are they?
- The computer models say they are.

41
00:02:26,720 --> 00:02:28,370
But the people who actually
go and count them have found

42
00:02:28,440 --> 00:02:31,125
- more than there were 30 years ago.
- Oh, for heaven's sake, Humphrey!

43
00:02:31,200 --> 00:02:34,090
If it's all such nonsense,
why does everyone believe it?

44
00:02:34,160 --> 00:02:37,528
No, it is. It's very hard to understand,
I agree.

45
00:02:37,800 --> 00:02:40,451
There are some scientists who do
believe it, lots of others

46
00:02:40,520 --> 00:02:43,444
want the billions of pounds you can get
for research that seems to show that

47
00:02:43,520 --> 00:02:45,807
global warming is caused by
greenhouse gases.

48
00:02:45,880 --> 00:02:48,201
Most of the scientists
who disagree can't get published,

49
00:02:48,280 --> 00:02:50,851
journalists love shock horror stories,
governments want to look

50
00:02:50,920 --> 00:02:54,083
virtuous to the voters,
lefties want to bash big oil,

51
00:02:54,160 --> 00:02:56,367
and it makes all the tree-huggers
and whale-savers

52
00:02:56,440 --> 00:02:59,284
and everybody at the BBC and
all of the media feel holier than thou

53
00:02:59,360 --> 00:03:01,408
and warm and fuzzy inside.

54
00:03:02,600 --> 00:03:05,080
So, wind farms don't make any sense?

55
00:03:08,040 --> 00:03:11,203
Wind farms. Forgive me, prime minister.
They do make sense,

56
00:03:11,520 --> 00:03:14,967
to the businessmen who are getting
enormous government grants for them.

57
00:03:15,040 --> 00:03:16,883
There isn't enough wind to be practical.

58
00:03:16,960 --> 00:03:21,090
The total output of all the
uk's wind turbines put together

59
00:03:21,160 --> 00:03:25,210
is less than a quarter of one
decent sized coal-fired power station.

60
00:03:25,280 --> 00:03:27,681
He can't say any of this to the BBC.

61
00:03:27,760 --> 00:03:30,411
No, Claire. Phone them back and say...

62
00:03:30,880 --> 00:03:31,961
Something.

63
00:03:32,040 --> 00:03:34,611
Urn, okay.

64
00:03:34,680 --> 00:03:36,921
Prime minister,
sir Humphrey, what are you thinking?

65
00:03:37,160 --> 00:03:39,640
The kumranistan foreign secretary
has demanded

66
00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:42,769
three women to have sex with
here, tonight, at chequers.

67
00:03:42,960 --> 00:03:45,247
Europe needs his $10 trillion loan.

68
00:03:45,320 --> 00:03:47,971
And the two of you are arguing
about global warming,

69
00:03:48,040 --> 00:03:50,646
instead of working out
how to do what's right.

70
00:03:50,840 --> 00:03:53,207
Bernard, ever since this started

71
00:03:53,280 --> 00:03:57,001
you have been bleating on about
whether or not something is right.

72
00:03:57,080 --> 00:03:59,560
We are politicians, not bishops!

73
00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:03,449
Right. Bernard, the prime minister
is not here to do what's right.

74
00:04:03,520 --> 00:04:04,931
He's here to serve the country.

75
00:04:06,280 --> 00:04:08,362
What if we do get this deal signed?

76
00:04:08,440 --> 00:04:10,920
What if the prime minister loses
the next election

77
00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:13,162
and the next government
has a different policy?

78
00:04:13,240 --> 00:04:17,609
Too late. There will be a treaty.
Britain will be a signatory

79
00:04:17,680 --> 00:04:19,887
and we always keep our word.

80
00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:22,247
- We don't, actually.
- Well, we often do.

81
00:04:23,160 --> 00:04:25,970
- We definitely would in this case.
- Fine.

82
00:04:26,520 --> 00:04:29,729
I'll organise the three call girls
before it gets any later.

83
00:04:29,800 --> 00:04:32,531
We'll need to put the royal helicopter
on standby.

84
00:04:32,600 --> 00:04:34,568
I must not hear this.

85
00:04:35,560 --> 00:04:37,642
Right! Who do I phone?

86
00:04:37,720 --> 00:04:39,768
- You don't know?
- How would I know?

87
00:04:39,840 --> 00:04:41,410
So how do you think I know?

88
00:04:41,480 --> 00:04:44,484
Let me... let me get this straight.

89
00:04:44,560 --> 00:04:49,726
We have finally decided to do this,
and you don't even know how?

90
00:04:49,840 --> 00:04:52,525
- Do you know how?
- I can't believe this.

91
00:04:52,600 --> 00:04:57,367
The TV news shows tell me we are
crawling with illegal foreign hookers,

92
00:04:57,440 --> 00:05:00,762
and nobody even knows how to find any?

93
00:05:01,960 --> 00:05:04,008
What is going on here?

94
00:05:04,200 --> 00:05:06,123
We could try the vice squad,
they'll know.

95
00:05:06,200 --> 00:05:09,170
You want to call the vice squad

96
00:05:09,840 --> 00:05:13,731
and ask them to find three prostitutes?

97
00:05:13,920 --> 00:05:16,526
And put them on the royal helicopter?

98
00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:19,482
Have you lost your mind?

99
00:05:26,840 --> 00:05:29,605
Just popping outside. Back in a minute.

100
00:05:31,840 --> 00:05:34,241
- What was that about?
- Don't know.

101
00:05:40,400 --> 00:05:42,164
She seems to be
talking to someone.

102
00:05:42,240 --> 00:05:44,811
- Who?
- I can't see.

103
00:05:45,480 --> 00:05:47,403
There are trees in the way.

104
00:05:48,440 --> 00:05:50,124
So, we're stuck.

105
00:05:52,080 --> 00:05:54,970
Aren't you worried that this is wrong,
prime minister?

106
00:05:55,040 --> 00:05:58,010
It seems to be necessary, Bernard.

107
00:05:58,120 --> 00:06:00,885
Government is seldom about
right or wrong.

108
00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:03,327
It's about choosing the lesser evil.

109
00:06:03,400 --> 00:06:05,482
Well, it can be about right or wrong.

110
00:06:05,560 --> 00:06:07,722
Are you sure you're in the right job?

111
00:06:08,800 --> 00:06:11,804
I can easily arrange a transfer,
you know,

112
00:06:11,880 --> 00:06:14,531
to the archbishop of canterbury,
for instance.

113
00:06:14,600 --> 00:06:17,809
- You want to get rid of me?
- No, not get rid of you, Bernard.

114
00:06:17,880 --> 00:06:21,043
A sideways move. Find you a good home.

115
00:06:22,280 --> 00:06:24,123
Meanwhile, we have a crisis.

116
00:06:24,200 --> 00:06:26,771
- A moral crisis.
- A survival crisis,

117
00:06:26,920 --> 00:06:29,127
which is much more serious.

118
00:06:29,360 --> 00:06:32,648
I have to survive this weekend
and stay in power.

119
00:06:32,720 --> 00:06:37,282
If I don't, I can't do all the things
that the people elected me to do.

120
00:06:37,360 --> 00:06:41,604
The health service,
schools, all that crap.

121
00:06:43,240 --> 00:06:48,565
I have a moral obligation to do
whatever is necessary to stay in power.

122
00:06:48,680 --> 00:06:51,490
I'm not sure the end
justifies the means.

123
00:06:51,800 --> 00:06:54,201
Look where that philosophy leads.

124
00:06:54,280 --> 00:06:57,648
Stalin wanted all the farms in
the Ukraine collectivised.

125
00:06:57,920 --> 00:06:59,684
He thought there'd be more food.

126
00:06:59,800 --> 00:07:01,370
The peasant farmers opposed him.

127
00:07:01,440 --> 00:07:05,490
So, he ordered
all 5 million of them to be killed.

128
00:07:06,600 --> 00:07:09,683
Actually, if you kill
5 million people, there is more food.

129
00:07:11,520 --> 00:07:13,010
Does that make it right?

130
00:07:13,080 --> 00:07:15,287
Depends whether or not
you're one of the 5 million.

131
00:07:18,200 --> 00:07:19,326
Where did you go?

132
00:07:19,400 --> 00:07:22,847
I heard a dog bark out there.
It belongs to the cook.

133
00:07:23,040 --> 00:07:27,045
I'd forgotten about the cook.
What are we doing about her?

134
00:07:27,120 --> 00:07:30,010
That was cook's daughter out there
walking the dog.

135
00:07:30,320 --> 00:07:32,209
Her 18-year-old daughter.

136
00:07:36,600 --> 00:07:38,921
- Are you suggesting?
- I know there's only one of her.

137
00:07:39,440 --> 00:07:43,604
But she's very attractive. And it would
show mr Aitikeev that we're trying.

138
00:07:43,680 --> 00:07:45,648
- Would it?
- An illegal immigrant.

139
00:07:45,720 --> 00:07:47,085
Exactly want you wanted.

140
00:07:47,160 --> 00:07:48,924
Did you tell her what we want her to do?

141
00:07:49,000 --> 00:07:50,604
Well, sort of hinted at it.

142
00:07:50,680 --> 00:07:52,569
Well, what precisely did you hint?

143
00:07:52,640 --> 00:07:54,961
Oh, a hint can't be precise,
prime minister. Because by definition...

144
00:07:55,040 --> 00:07:56,280
Bernard!

145
00:07:56,600 --> 00:08:00,286
Sex with a very rich and powerful man.
She seems interested.

146
00:08:03,080 --> 00:08:06,050
It's for britain, right?

147
00:08:06,600 --> 00:08:09,251
It's the right thing to do, right?

148
00:08:09,320 --> 00:08:12,085
Jim, you were the one that said
it would be patriotic.

149
00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:15,727
But, but she's a foreigner.
It can't be patriotic for her.

150
00:08:15,840 --> 00:08:17,649
Well, it will be when her papers
come through.

151
00:08:17,720 --> 00:08:20,166
You'll be giving her the chance
to serve her new country.

152
00:08:20,240 --> 00:08:22,447
An active of retrospective patriotism.

153
00:08:22,520 --> 00:08:24,443
Shut up, Bernard.

154
00:08:25,280 --> 00:08:28,284
Claire, the answer is...

155
00:08:28,360 --> 00:08:31,409
"Pm pimps cook's daughter for sex
at chequers."

156
00:08:33,920 --> 00:08:39,211
No! I just can't go through with it.
Her mother is a member of my staff.

157
00:08:39,840 --> 00:08:42,002
- Okay.
- Claire, wait.

158
00:08:42,480 --> 00:08:45,450
- What if see tells her mother?
- Oh, I took care of that.

159
00:08:45,520 --> 00:08:46,726
I asked her if she'd heard of

160
00:08:46,800 --> 00:08:48,564
the immigration detention centre
at Harmondsworth.

161
00:08:48,640 --> 00:08:51,769
I said, "if you ever tell anyone
about this, including your mother,

162
00:08:51,840 --> 00:08:55,128
"that's where you'll end up."
Biggest possible threat.

163
00:08:56,520 --> 00:08:58,966
Bernard, phone the home secretary.

164
00:09:00,280 --> 00:09:02,965
- Get citizenship for the cook.
- Why?

165
00:09:03,320 --> 00:09:05,448
Because what if she does
tell her mother?

166
00:09:05,520 --> 00:09:06,601
Maybe she won't.

167
00:09:06,680 --> 00:09:09,809
But if she does,
how would the mother react?

168
00:09:10,560 --> 00:09:12,483
How would you react if you were
her mother?

169
00:09:12,560 --> 00:09:15,962
You know, I wonder if I might
be pleased. It would...

170
00:09:16,920 --> 00:09:20,561
It would give me the leverage
to get a work permit.

171
00:09:20,920 --> 00:09:23,287
How many drinks have you had,
prime minister?

172
00:09:23,400 --> 00:09:24,731
Just the one.

173
00:09:26,240 --> 00:09:28,641
- Okay, she's gone.
- Thank God!

174
00:09:28,720 --> 00:09:32,281
To get the cook a work permit,
she'll need to have special skills.

175
00:09:32,360 --> 00:09:36,160
She makes great dumplings.
I don't bloody care!

176
00:09:36,240 --> 00:09:38,163
Phone the home secretary now.

177
00:09:38,240 --> 00:09:40,561
- Now?
- Yes, now, damn it!

178
00:09:48,920 --> 00:09:52,686
Hello, home secretary.
Sorry to call you so late.

179
00:09:54,200 --> 00:09:56,168
You were just having a night cap.

180
00:09:56,240 --> 00:09:57,366
Good.

181
00:09:57,640 --> 00:10:00,689
The pm wanted me to call you about
the cook at chequers.

182
00:10:01,520 --> 00:10:03,682
We've just discovered that
she's an illegal immigrant

183
00:10:03,760 --> 00:10:07,048
and he wants her to be given
a uk visa immediately.

184
00:10:07,720 --> 00:10:10,769
Oh, I think because
the pm likes her dumplings.

185
00:10:12,120 --> 00:10:15,966
No, home secretary,
that wasn't a sexist remark.

186
00:10:16,960 --> 00:10:18,166
I see.

187
00:10:19,200 --> 00:10:20,531
Thank you.

188
00:10:21,920 --> 00:10:25,322
I'm sorry, prime minister. I think
the home secretary's had a few.

189
00:10:25,400 --> 00:10:28,609
It's never any use trying to call her
after 6:00 P.M.

190
00:10:29,720 --> 00:10:32,883
Prime minister, do you think
we'd better let the ambassador know

191
00:10:32,960 --> 00:10:34,883
we can't get any girls for Aitikeev?

192
00:10:35,480 --> 00:10:37,289
Yes. Go and get him.

193
00:10:37,400 --> 00:10:39,004
Yes, prime minister.

194
00:10:42,640 --> 00:10:43,721
Yes?

195
00:10:44,160 --> 00:10:45,161
Who?

196
00:10:48,560 --> 00:10:52,121
Oh, yes! We all loved your goulash
and dumplings this evening.

197
00:10:56,720 --> 00:10:58,688
Yes, yes.

198
00:11:01,360 --> 00:11:03,089
I'll call you back.

199
00:11:10,440 --> 00:11:12,761
The cook's daughter
has talked to her mother.

200
00:11:12,840 --> 00:11:15,923
- Already?
- The cook wants to talk to you, Jim.

201
00:11:16,440 --> 00:11:18,920
No, I'm not answering it. You get it.

202
00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:21,765
- I don't know what to say!
- Just get it.

203
00:11:21,840 --> 00:11:24,320
You started this. It's all your fault.

204
00:11:24,400 --> 00:11:26,368
The ambassador's coming.

205
00:11:39,920 --> 00:11:41,046
Yes?

206
00:11:42,800 --> 00:11:43,881
Yes.

207
00:11:47,200 --> 00:11:50,124
My God! Where did you get this?

208
00:11:51,120 --> 00:11:52,929
Yes, of course, I deny it.

209
00:11:53,120 --> 00:11:56,010
There's absolutely no foundation
at all to that story.

210
00:11:56,520 --> 00:11:58,727
No, of course, you can't quote me.

211
00:11:59,040 --> 00:12:02,840
I'm not going to dignify
that sort of rubbish with a comment.

212
00:12:05,720 --> 00:12:08,610
It seems that the cook has talked
to the <i>daily mail.</i>

213
00:12:09,800 --> 00:12:12,565
She only just phoned here!
...Well, she just phoned there, too.

214
00:12:12,640 --> 00:12:15,849
Oh, my God!

215
00:12:15,920 --> 00:12:18,890
Can we buy them off with the promise
of some future policy scoop?

216
00:12:18,960 --> 00:12:23,010
Of course not! It's a newspaper. They're
interested in sex, not government.

217
00:12:23,920 --> 00:12:26,048
Prime minister,
I think you'd better talk to the cook.

218
00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:28,168
We have to stop this going any further.

219
00:12:28,240 --> 00:12:32,404
I don't talk to ordinary people
unless there's an election going on.

220
00:12:33,640 --> 00:12:35,563
If you don't, goodness knows...

221
00:12:35,640 --> 00:12:38,928
Just phone her back and ask her
what the bloody hell she wants.

222
00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:40,729
What is this all about?

223
00:12:45,000 --> 00:12:48,243
Yes. It's the prime minister's
principal private secretary here.

224
00:12:48,480 --> 00:12:51,563
Unfortunately, the prime minister is
too busy to talk to you at the moment.

225
00:12:51,640 --> 00:12:54,405
So, can you please tell me
what it is you want?

226
00:12:54,800 --> 00:12:55,961
I see.

227
00:12:57,600 --> 00:12:58,726
I see.

228
00:13:01,080 --> 00:13:02,241
I see.

229
00:13:05,200 --> 00:13:06,361
I see.

230
00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:13,004
She's discovered that the
newspapers will give her cash

231
00:13:13,080 --> 00:13:16,527
if her daughter will describe
what happened tonight in her own words.

232
00:13:16,600 --> 00:13:17,931
Which are?

233
00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:19,968
That some woman...

234
00:13:20,560 --> 00:13:24,007
Approached her in the garden
and asked her to have sex...

235
00:13:25,400 --> 00:13:27,368
With you, prime minister.

236
00:13:28,160 --> 00:13:29,241
Sex?

237
00:13:29,680 --> 00:13:33,241
She said Claire asked this girl
if she would have sex with me?

238
00:13:33,320 --> 00:13:36,085
- Is that true?
- No, of course it's not!

239
00:13:36,200 --> 00:13:38,089
I'm just telling you what she...

240
00:13:38,160 --> 00:13:40,640
- It's an outrageous lie.
- I'm merely the messenger.

241
00:13:40,720 --> 00:13:43,530
It was her idea.
I always said it would be a disaster.

242
00:13:43,640 --> 00:13:46,883
- How much does she want?
- I don't know. I forgot to ask.

243
00:13:47,600 --> 00:13:50,843
Prime minister, I believe I know
how to deal with this.

244
00:13:50,920 --> 00:13:52,684
- May I?
- Yes, please!

245
00:13:52,800 --> 00:13:54,131
All right.

246
00:13:54,680 --> 00:13:56,364
We have to stop this going public.

247
00:13:56,440 --> 00:13:57,930
Oh, brilliant!

248
00:13:58,400 --> 00:14:00,402
Got any more bright ideas?

249
00:14:00,600 --> 00:14:02,762
Look as far as the <i>mail</i> knows,
it could be a scam.

250
00:14:03,120 --> 00:14:06,442
If we deny it and they still run the
story, we slap a libel writ on them

251
00:14:06,520 --> 00:14:08,648
and clean up financially,
and deport the cook.

252
00:14:08,720 --> 00:14:11,724
Yes, she's not important
in the great scheme of things.

253
00:14:11,800 --> 00:14:14,929
- Who is?
- Well, I am, actually.

254
00:14:16,600 --> 00:14:18,329
What are we going say to the press?

255
00:14:18,400 --> 00:14:20,687
We say we can't talk about it.
National security.

256
00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:24,685
But how do we describe procuring sex
with the cook's daughter

257
00:14:24,760 --> 00:14:27,923
- as national security?
- We don't talk about that.

258
00:14:28,000 --> 00:14:30,287
But that's what
they'll want to talk about.

259
00:14:30,360 --> 00:14:33,045
Oh, for God's sake, Jim. You don't
give journalists what they want.

260
00:14:33,120 --> 00:14:34,884
It only encourages them!

261
00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:38,004
Oh, my God.

262
00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:41,249
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

263
00:14:41,320 --> 00:14:44,529
What am I going to do?
What am I going to do?

264
00:14:44,600 --> 00:14:46,602
What am I going to do?

265
00:14:47,280 --> 00:14:49,487
We can't ignore the facts.

266
00:14:49,560 --> 00:14:51,403
If you can't ignore facts,
prime minister,

267
00:14:51,480 --> 00:14:53,847
you've got no business
being in government.

268
00:14:55,440 --> 00:14:57,363
Ah, prime minister. Oh!

269
00:14:57,880 --> 00:14:58,961
What?

270
00:15:02,120 --> 00:15:03,201
Uh...

271
00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:07,764
- Prime minster?
- Piss off!

272
00:15:07,840 --> 00:15:10,241
Oh! Prime minister it's done.

273
00:15:10,320 --> 00:15:13,483
The cook and her daughter
were upstairs in their accommodation.

274
00:15:13,560 --> 00:15:16,325
At your request,
the diplomatic protection group

275
00:15:16,400 --> 00:15:18,129
has taken them into protective custody,

276
00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:21,283
and is going to turn them
over to the ministry of defence police.

277
00:15:21,360 --> 00:15:23,567
My request?
...Well, yes. I requested it,

278
00:15:23,640 --> 00:15:27,281
actually, on your behalf.
Under the prevention of terrorism act.

279
00:15:27,600 --> 00:15:33,050
You see, the mod police now have
the power to arrest, detain and then

280
00:15:33,240 --> 00:15:36,881
place a control order
upon anyone at all.

281
00:15:37,040 --> 00:15:40,362
Right. What does a control order
actually entail?

282
00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:42,807
Well, it's house arrest, usually.

283
00:15:42,880 --> 00:15:45,884
Plus, no access to mobile phones,
the Internet, or the media,

284
00:15:45,960 --> 00:15:49,646
whenever they believe that lives
may be saved or injuries prevented

285
00:15:49,800 --> 00:15:52,041
by so doing. Lasts for up to a year,

286
00:15:52,120 --> 00:15:54,361
and, in effect,
it's infinitely renewable.

287
00:15:54,440 --> 00:15:56,727
Fine, impose a control order.

288
00:15:56,840 --> 00:15:59,844
No, prime minister,
the home secretary has to do that.

289
00:15:59,920 --> 00:16:01,285
Oh, not her.

290
00:16:01,360 --> 00:16:03,169
Yes, with the approval
of the high court.

291
00:16:03,240 --> 00:16:04,287
Who says?

292
00:16:04,360 --> 00:16:06,169
The European convention on human rights.

293
00:16:06,240 --> 00:16:08,481
Oh, it's bloody Europe again.

294
00:16:09,240 --> 00:16:10,810
Taking away my rights.

295
00:16:10,880 --> 00:16:13,451
Actually taking away your rights,
prime minister,

296
00:16:13,520 --> 00:16:15,488
and increasing everybody else's.

297
00:16:15,680 --> 00:16:19,571
So they're entitled to a trial?
That's not fair.

298
00:16:21,000 --> 00:16:25,324
Prime minister, broadly speaking,
this trial can be held in secret.

299
00:16:25,640 --> 00:16:28,246
And the judge cannot quash
the control order.

300
00:16:28,320 --> 00:16:31,529
Unless it's found to be obviously flawed
and furthermore...

301
00:16:31,600 --> 00:16:34,206
The evidence against them
is never really challenged.

302
00:16:34,280 --> 00:16:36,886
- Why not?
- Because it's withheld.

303
00:16:37,760 --> 00:16:40,684
From them and from their lawyers.

304
00:16:40,760 --> 00:16:42,285
Oh, that's good!

305
00:16:42,680 --> 00:16:45,047
But we still have to make a deal
with the home secretary.

306
00:16:45,120 --> 00:16:46,531
Yes... well, I can try and get

307
00:16:46,600 --> 00:16:49,365
her private secretary to bounce it past
her one evening when she's had a few.

308
00:16:49,440 --> 00:16:52,603
- And if that doesn't work...
- We could leak

309
00:16:52,680 --> 00:16:57,163
that the home secretary has allowed an
illegal immigrant/suspected terrorist

310
00:16:57,240 --> 00:17:00,767
to get into this country,
to infiltrate chequers, and... yes.

311
00:17:01,360 --> 00:17:04,762
Drunk in charge at the home office.
I think that should do it.

312
00:17:04,840 --> 00:17:07,491
- She'll cooperate.
- Sir, at this point in time,

313
00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:10,211
the mod police just need the
allegation, prime minister.

314
00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:14,410
Are you prepared to state that the cook
and her daughter are in fact terrorists?

315
00:17:16,960 --> 00:17:18,041
Me?

316
00:17:18,120 --> 00:17:21,647
No judge will want to declare
your allegation as obviously flawed.

317
00:17:21,800 --> 00:17:23,643
You are the prime minister,

318
00:17:23,720 --> 00:17:26,041
- prime minister.
- Yes, I am.

319
00:17:26,520 --> 00:17:29,000
And I am prepared

320
00:17:29,160 --> 00:17:32,403
to state the following, categorically.

321
00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:35,001
Urn...

322
00:17:36,400 --> 00:17:37,890
I can't do it.

323
00:17:38,120 --> 00:17:40,327
I think you are prepared to state
to the police that

324
00:17:40,400 --> 00:17:42,641
both the cook
and her daughter are in fact

325
00:17:42,720 --> 00:17:46,441
in possession of information,
which, if it were known,

326
00:17:46,520 --> 00:17:49,091
could lead to a rapid escalation
of violence

327
00:17:49,160 --> 00:17:51,686
and the loss of thousands of lives
in the ongoing war.

328
00:17:51,760 --> 00:17:53,091
Yes, I am.

329
00:17:53,360 --> 00:17:55,408
That's actually even true.

330
00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:59,124
Make a note of what you said.
I'll sign it in the morning.

331
00:17:59,200 --> 00:18:00,247
Good.

332
00:18:00,320 --> 00:18:01,367
Oh.

333
00:18:01,560 --> 00:18:03,961
The ambassador, sir Humphrey.
Casual again?

334
00:18:04,040 --> 00:18:05,326
Yes, yes.

335
00:18:10,320 --> 00:18:13,483
Ah, do come in. The kumranistan
ambassador, prime minister.

336
00:18:13,560 --> 00:18:16,245
Come in, come in. Please do sit down.

337
00:18:17,520 --> 00:18:21,605
Oh, I'm not going to
beat about the bush. I'm afraid...

338
00:18:21,920 --> 00:18:23,763
You'll have to tell mr Aitikeev

339
00:18:23,840 --> 00:18:27,401
that we haven't been able to find
any suitable...

340
00:18:29,680 --> 00:18:30,761
Candidates.

341
00:18:31,000 --> 00:18:33,367
He's guessed that by now,
prime minister.

342
00:18:33,440 --> 00:18:36,922
I'm afraid that half an hour ago,
he informed our president

343
00:18:37,160 --> 00:18:40,323
that he did not find you sympathetic
to our national aspirations.

344
00:18:40,520 --> 00:18:43,444
The pipeline deal is,
I'm afraid, no more.

345
00:18:43,880 --> 00:18:46,360
Oh, really.
Well, you can tell your mr Aitikeev

346
00:18:46,440 --> 00:18:48,761
if he withdraws from the
pipeline agreement,

347
00:18:48,840 --> 00:18:53,050
all those weapon systems we sold you
will be cancelled. Forthwith.

348
00:18:53,640 --> 00:18:56,007
But we have them already,
prime minister.

349
00:18:56,720 --> 00:18:57,881
Have you?

350
00:18:57,960 --> 00:19:01,567
Well, we'll stop supplying the spare
parts. They'll be useless within months.

351
00:19:01,640 --> 00:19:04,405
Full of sand. Probably are already.

352
00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:05,766
It won't matter, prime minister.

353
00:19:05,840 --> 00:19:07,922
We are making a new
weapons agreement with the Russians.

354
00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:09,764
You are? You may go.

355
00:19:11,280 --> 00:19:14,807
And please inform mr Aitikeev
that Great Britain is breaking off

356
00:19:14,880 --> 00:19:17,167
diplomatic relations with your country.

357
00:19:17,480 --> 00:19:19,642
- Are you serious?
- Yes, I am.

358
00:19:19,880 --> 00:19:23,009
I am giving you 48 hours
to get to Heathrow.

359
00:19:23,080 --> 00:19:25,401
What do you think I am? A snail?

360
00:19:28,080 --> 00:19:31,243
Prime minister, was that wise?

361
00:19:31,320 --> 00:19:33,527
I don't know.

362
00:19:34,800 --> 00:19:36,689
And I no longer care.

363
00:19:44,040 --> 00:19:46,805
I think I lost my moral compass tonight.

364
00:19:48,240 --> 00:19:52,564
I'll tell you one thing. This incident
will not be in my memoirs.

365
00:19:52,800 --> 00:19:55,531
Of course not.
Memoirs are not the truth.

366
00:19:55,760 --> 00:19:57,683
They're the case for the defence.

367
00:19:58,640 --> 00:20:01,405
I think Humphrey's right. It's all over.

368
00:20:02,080 --> 00:20:03,241
Bernard,

369
00:20:03,320 --> 00:20:06,324
tomorrow morning arrange for me
to see the queen.

370
00:20:07,280 --> 00:20:09,248
And offer my resignation.

371
00:20:09,640 --> 00:20:11,563
I'm so sorry, prime minister.

372
00:20:14,400 --> 00:20:16,368
Oh, God!

373
00:20:16,440 --> 00:20:18,442
No, prime minister, just me.

374
00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:24,086
I have returned with the answer to
all your problems.

375
00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:28,731
- Global warming!
- I thought you were against it.

376
00:20:28,800 --> 00:20:32,088
Everybody is against it, prime minister.
I suddenly realised

377
00:20:32,320 --> 00:20:33,970
that is the beauty of it.

378
00:20:34,040 --> 00:20:37,522
We can get a unanimous agreement with
all of our European partners

379
00:20:37,600 --> 00:20:39,170
to do something about it.

380
00:20:39,240 --> 00:20:41,891
But how can we do something about
something that isn't happening?

381
00:20:41,960 --> 00:20:44,770
It's much easier to solve an imaginary
problem than a real one.

382
00:20:45,520 --> 00:20:46,806
- Do you believe it's real?
- Do you?

383
00:20:46,880 --> 00:20:48,120
- I don't know.
- Neither do I.

384
00:20:48,200 --> 00:20:49,690
Haven't got the faintest idea.

385
00:20:50,640 --> 00:20:52,563
But it doesn't matter what we think.

386
00:20:52,640 --> 00:20:56,201
If everyone else thinks it's real,
they'll all want to stop it,

387
00:20:56,280 --> 00:20:57,930
so long as it doesn't cost too much.

388
00:20:58,000 --> 00:20:59,764
So the question now is,

389
00:20:59,840 --> 00:21:02,411
what are we going to do about it?

390
00:21:02,480 --> 00:21:05,211
But if it isn't happening,
what can we do about it?

391
00:21:05,280 --> 00:21:07,487
Oh, there's so much we can do,
prime minister.

392
00:21:07,840 --> 00:21:11,128
We can impose taxes,
we can stiffen European rules

393
00:21:11,240 --> 00:21:13,208
about carbon emissions,
rubbish disposal.

394
00:21:13,400 --> 00:21:15,323
We can make massive investments in,

395
00:21:15,680 --> 00:21:17,205
in wind turbines.

396
00:21:17,360 --> 00:21:19,408
We can, in fact, prime minister,

397
00:21:19,640 --> 00:21:22,564
under your leadership, agree

398
00:21:23,200 --> 00:21:25,248
to save the world.

399
00:21:28,440 --> 00:21:29,930
Well, I like that.

400
00:21:30,600 --> 00:21:33,922
But Russia, India, China, Brazil...
They'll never cooperate.

401
00:21:34,000 --> 00:21:36,526
They don't have to. We simply ask them
to review their emissions policy.

402
00:21:36,600 --> 00:21:37,647
And will they?

403
00:21:37,720 --> 00:21:40,007
Yes. And then they'll decide
not to change it.

404
00:21:40,080 --> 00:21:42,890
So we'll set up
a series of international conferences.

405
00:21:43,040 --> 00:21:45,168
Meanwhile, prime minister,

406
00:21:45,640 --> 00:21:48,723
you can talk
about the future of the planet.

407
00:21:49,200 --> 00:21:50,281
Yes.

408
00:21:52,440 --> 00:21:54,568
You can look statesman-like.

409
00:21:54,680 --> 00:21:59,004
And it'll be 50 years before anybody
can possibly prove you're wrong.

410
00:21:59,120 --> 00:22:01,009
And you can explain away
anything you've said before

411
00:22:01,080 --> 00:22:02,844
by saying
the computer models were flawed.

412
00:22:02,920 --> 00:22:05,048
The voters will love me.

413
00:22:05,160 --> 00:22:06,924
You'll have more government expenditure.

414
00:22:07,000 --> 00:22:09,321
Yes. How will we pay for it?
We're broke.

415
00:22:09,440 --> 00:22:12,887
We impose a special global warming tax
on fuel now,

416
00:22:12,960 --> 00:22:16,521
but we phase in
the actual expenditure gradually,

417
00:22:16,800 --> 00:22:18,040
say, over 50 years.

418
00:22:18,120 --> 00:22:19,645
That'll get us out of the hole now.

419
00:22:19,720 --> 00:22:22,326
The Germans will be pleased.
They have a big green movement.

420
00:22:22,400 --> 00:22:24,164
And we can even get the frogs on board.

421
00:22:24,240 --> 00:22:26,163
As long as they get more benefits
than everyone else.

422
00:22:27,000 --> 00:22:29,446
Okay, my broadcast is on Sunday morning.

423
00:22:29,600 --> 00:22:32,285
You have a day
to get the conference to agree.

424
00:22:32,400 --> 00:22:35,085
Oh, that's not a problem.
The delegates will be desperate

425
00:22:35,160 --> 00:22:36,764
for something to announce
when they get home.

426
00:22:37,360 --> 00:22:39,169
- There is one problem.
- Huh?

427
00:22:39,280 --> 00:22:41,282
Nothing will have actually
been achieved.

428
00:22:41,480 --> 00:22:43,562
It will sound as though it has.

429
00:22:44,360 --> 00:22:46,283
So people will think it has.

430
00:22:46,360 --> 00:22:49,284
That's all that matters.

431
00:22:51,440 --> 00:22:52,521
Clear set, please.

432
00:22:56,360 --> 00:23:00,331
So, to summarise there is a
deepening financial crisis,

433
00:23:00,400 --> 00:23:01,925
division in the cabinet,

434
00:23:02,000 --> 00:23:05,129
opinion polls are at their lowest
for seven years,

435
00:23:05,200 --> 00:23:07,407
government borrowing
at an all-time high,

436
00:23:07,480 --> 00:23:10,450
and apparently no agreement
on what to do about it all

437
00:23:10,520 --> 00:23:12,488
at the Lancaster house
summit conference.

438
00:23:13,120 --> 00:23:17,409
Today's papers are asking if
Jim hacker's government can survive.

439
00:23:17,640 --> 00:23:21,008
I am here, in chequers,
live with the prime minister.

440
00:23:21,080 --> 00:23:22,445
Can you survive, prime minister?

441
00:23:24,320 --> 00:23:26,766
Of course. All governments
go through difficult patches.

442
00:23:26,840 --> 00:23:29,764
Yes, but this is more than just
a difficult patch, isn't it?

443
00:23:29,840 --> 00:23:33,401
It's a world problem. It obviously
has repercussions on the uk.

444
00:23:33,480 --> 00:23:36,802
But it is worse here
than almost anywhere else, isn't it?

445
00:23:36,880 --> 00:23:39,565
Would you excuse me a moment?
I've been waiting for this.

446
00:23:42,840 --> 00:23:45,764
I think you'll find this puts
a very different complexion on things.

447
00:23:45,840 --> 00:23:49,162
It is perhaps the most momentous
document you'll ever see.

448
00:23:49,240 --> 00:23:50,651
May we know what it is?

449
00:23:50,720 --> 00:23:53,041
It is the final communique
from the conference.

450
00:23:53,120 --> 00:23:54,360
A binding agreement on

451
00:23:54,440 --> 00:23:57,649
all members of the European union
to devote unprecedented sums

452
00:23:57,720 --> 00:24:00,041
to the battle against global warming.

453
00:24:00,120 --> 00:24:03,090
Now, Simon,
you saw the latest ipcc reports

454
00:24:03,160 --> 00:24:06,562
that the situation is not only
far more serious than we thought,

455
00:24:06,840 --> 00:24:09,923
but also deteriorating far more quickly.

456
00:24:10,120 --> 00:24:12,248
That was one of the things
I was coming to.

457
00:24:12,320 --> 00:24:15,210
But if we could talk first
about the level of debt.

458
00:24:15,280 --> 00:24:17,328
I obviously haven't made myself clear.

459
00:24:17,400 --> 00:24:19,926
I am not talking about
day-to-day issues.

460
00:24:20,000 --> 00:24:23,527
I am talking about
the survival of life on this planet.

461
00:24:25,640 --> 00:24:26,926
Now, I do realise

462
00:24:27,000 --> 00:24:29,401
you have to try to score
your little political points.

463
00:24:29,480 --> 00:24:30,527
That's your job,

464
00:24:30,600 --> 00:24:34,969
but the new findings on global warming
make all other issues insignificant.

465
00:24:35,160 --> 00:24:37,561
You can't call
our debt level insignificant.

466
00:24:37,640 --> 00:24:40,723
Simon, you can chase all
the little preoccupations

467
00:24:40,800 --> 00:24:42,131
of daily journalism.

468
00:24:42,200 --> 00:24:44,123
As prime minister,

469
00:24:44,200 --> 00:24:46,123
I have to look
to the future of the country,

470
00:24:46,280 --> 00:24:48,647
and of the world,
not tomorrow's headlines.

471
00:24:48,880 --> 00:24:51,929
But 10, 20, 50 years ahead.

472
00:24:52,240 --> 00:24:54,846
A heavy responsibility.

473
00:24:58,280 --> 00:25:01,443
This momentous document commits Europe

474
00:25:01,520 --> 00:25:05,081
to an investment of €5 trillion
to stop global warming.

475
00:25:05,280 --> 00:25:07,601
How can we possibly afford to spend
that sum of money?

476
00:25:07,680 --> 00:25:09,682
We can't afford not to.

477
00:25:09,760 --> 00:25:11,171
But if the money's not there...

478
00:25:11,240 --> 00:25:14,767
We are faced with
a catastrophic rise in sea levels,

479
00:25:14,840 --> 00:25:17,889
torrential storms, melting ice caps,

480
00:25:17,960 --> 00:25:20,850
widespread hunger, mass migration.

481
00:25:20,960 --> 00:25:23,406
- Are you sure?
- Computer models don't lie.

482
00:25:23,480 --> 00:25:25,050
They have no ulterior motive.

483
00:25:26,000 --> 00:25:27,968
€5 trillion?

484
00:25:28,040 --> 00:25:31,886
Over time.
In the early years, it will be less.

485
00:25:31,960 --> 00:25:35,169
Of course, we still have
much research to do on

486
00:25:35,240 --> 00:25:37,720
new fast breeder reactors, bio fuels.

487
00:25:37,800 --> 00:25:40,804
Even so,
surely taxes will have to go up.

488
00:25:40,880 --> 00:25:42,166
People won't like that.

489
00:25:42,240 --> 00:25:45,210
Simon, people aren't as selfish
as you think they are.

490
00:25:46,920 --> 00:25:49,207
They are worried about their children,

491
00:25:50,560 --> 00:25:52,164
about their grandchildren,

492
00:25:52,240 --> 00:25:54,607
about the future of mankind.

493
00:25:54,920 --> 00:25:58,527
And if that means doing
without a gas guzzler

494
00:25:58,600 --> 00:26:01,524
or a fourth plasma TV set,

495
00:26:01,600 --> 00:26:03,887
I think that's a sacrifice
most people are willing to make.

496
00:26:03,960 --> 00:26:07,123
Prime minister, I did want to
talk to you about cabinet division.

497
00:26:07,200 --> 00:26:10,727
There is no cabinet division
on the survival of our species.

498
00:26:13,120 --> 00:26:17,205
My cabinet is committed to making
this investment in 20 years' time.

499
00:26:17,640 --> 00:26:19,290
They won't be in office then.

500
00:26:19,360 --> 00:26:21,840
I think that's an unworthy remark.

501
00:26:22,440 --> 00:26:25,171
Are you saying that a government
can't make commitments

502
00:26:25,240 --> 00:26:26,605
beyond the immediate future?

503
00:26:26,680 --> 00:26:28,045
No, but 20 years?

504
00:26:28,160 --> 00:26:31,528
We are looking at an historic consensus.

505
00:26:31,600 --> 00:26:35,002
The agreement of every single member
of the European union.

506
00:26:35,240 --> 00:26:39,928
<i>It will stand alongside the magma carta,</i>

507
00:26:40,960 --> 00:26:45,124
<i>and the American
declaration of independence.</i>

508
00:26:49,400 --> 00:26:51,289
Okay, to move on quickly...

509
00:26:51,360 --> 00:26:54,648
And if I might just strike
a personal note,

510
00:26:54,840 --> 00:26:57,969
I would like to say
how humble it makes me

511
00:26:58,040 --> 00:27:00,088
to think that I,
as President of the commission,

512
00:27:00,160 --> 00:27:02,766
was able to
bring about this historic agreement

513
00:27:02,840 --> 00:27:05,650
which, quite frankly, transcends

514
00:27:05,840 --> 00:27:10,243
any achievement
by any post-war government.

515
00:27:11,600 --> 00:27:14,804
It is deeply humbling.

517
00:27:15,560 --> 00:27:16,891
Thank you, prime minister.

518
00:27:17,400 --> 00:27:18,845
Until next week,

519
00:27:19,280 --> 00:27:20,486
goodbye

520
00:27:22,680 --> 00:27:24,011
well,

521
00:27:27,440 --> 00:27:29,010
Simon,

522
00:27:29,520 --> 00:27:32,205
you certainly know how to do
a tough interview.

523
00:27:32,880 --> 00:27:34,325
Thank you, prime minister.

524
00:27:37,000 --> 00:27:40,761
Oh, magnificent, prime minister.

526
00:27:40,840 --> 00:27:42,569
I think you got away with it, Jim.

527
00:27:42,640 --> 00:27:44,563
But the cabinet
will have been pretty surprised.

528
00:27:44,680 --> 00:27:46,170
We'll have to square them fast.

529
00:27:50,400 --> 00:27:51,606
Bubbles.

530
00:27:54,320 --> 00:27:56,971
We're not there yet.
After that interview,

531
00:27:57,040 --> 00:27:59,281
you'll need to announce
some pretty impressive action.

532
00:27:59,360 --> 00:28:00,771
- An initiative.
- Yes.

533
00:28:00,840 --> 00:28:02,410
- A working party?
- Bit lightweight.

534
00:28:02,480 --> 00:28:04,403
- A taskforce?
- Not sure.

535
00:28:04,480 --> 00:28:05,845
Do we have enough in the kitty?

536
00:28:05,920 --> 00:28:07,968
Well, it could be one of those
initiatives that you announce,

537
00:28:08,040 --> 00:28:09,485
but never actually spend the money.

538
00:28:09,560 --> 00:28:11,324
Great. Like the one on child poverty.

539
00:28:12,080 --> 00:28:14,082
Maybe it should be
a government committee.

540
00:28:14,160 --> 00:28:16,083
Or what about a royal commission?

541
00:28:16,320 --> 00:28:19,290
Yes, it won't report for three years

542
00:28:19,360 --> 00:28:20,885
and, if we put the right people on it,

543
00:28:21,000 --> 00:28:22,923
they'll never agree
about anything important.

544
00:28:23,560 --> 00:28:25,210
Right, a royal commission.

545
00:28:25,280 --> 00:28:26,805
Er, no, wait a minute.
That makes it sound

546
00:28:26,880 --> 00:28:28,769
as if we think it's important,
but not urgent.

547
00:28:28,920 --> 00:28:31,924
Well, what about a global warming Tsar?

548
00:28:32,160 --> 00:28:34,322
Fine. Would that do it?

549
00:28:34,440 --> 00:28:37,125
No, I think it might need
a bit more than that, prime minister.

550
00:28:37,280 --> 00:28:39,647
It'll mean announcing quite a big unit,

551
00:28:39,720 --> 00:28:42,166
and, uh,
an impressive salary for the Tsar

552
00:28:42,520 --> 00:28:45,205
to show how much
importance you place upon him.

553
00:28:45,280 --> 00:28:46,645
No problem. Who would it be?

554
00:28:46,720 --> 00:28:49,769
Ah, well, it can't be a political
figure, that would be too divisive.

555
00:28:50,000 --> 00:28:51,729
It has to be somebody impartial.

556
00:28:51,880 --> 00:28:54,167
- You mean a judge?
- No, somebody from the real world.

557
00:28:55,160 --> 00:28:58,209
Somebody who knows
how to operate the levers of power,

558
00:28:58,560 --> 00:29:01,166
to engage the gears
of the whitehall machine,

559
00:29:01,440 --> 00:29:03,647
to drive the engine of government.

560
00:29:03,720 --> 00:29:05,882
That's quite a tall order.

561
00:29:05,960 --> 00:29:07,610
Anybody got any ideas?

562
00:29:10,680 --> 00:29:12,125
Humphrey.

563
00:29:12,440 --> 00:29:13,487
Hmm?

564
00:29:13,560 --> 00:29:14,607
Could you?

565
00:29:15,160 --> 00:29:16,321
Oh.

566
00:29:17,320 --> 00:29:18,810
Yes, prime minister.