0 00:00:00,105 --> 00:00:05,000 Shared by http://DJJ.HOME.SAPO.PT/ 1 00:00:02,607 --> 00:00:05,326 # Once in every lifetime 2 00:00:05,487 --> 00:00:08,001 # Comes a love like this 3 00:00:08,167 --> 00:00:10,727 # Oh, I need you, you need me, 4 00:00:10,887 --> 00:00:13,447 # Oh, my darling, can't you see, 5 00:00:15,407 --> 00:00:17,398 # Darling, we're the Young Ones 6 00:00:18,847 --> 00:00:20,166 # The Young Ones 7 00:00:20,727 --> 00:00:22,843 # (RICK) Shouldn't be afraid 8 00:00:24,167 --> 00:00:25,395 # To live, 9 00:00:25,567 --> 00:00:26,841 # Love 10 00:00:27,007 --> 00:00:29,475 # There's a song to be sung 11 00:00:29,647 --> 00:00:33,606 # 'Cause we may not be the Young Ones very long # 12 00:00:38,487 --> 00:00:43,083 (MEN CHANT) Dominus ad nauseam. 13 00:00:43,847 --> 00:00:48,125 Dominus ad nauseam. 14 00:00:48,287 --> 00:00:52,724 Dominus ad nauseam. 15 00:00:52,887 --> 00:00:58,041 Dominus ad nauseam. 16 00:00:58,207 --> 00:01:01,358 Be this the pit, master gravedigger? 17 00:01:01,527 --> 00:01:03,802 It is, your holiness. 18 00:01:03,967 --> 00:01:08,802 It is the finest pit we 'ave dug this morrow. In troth, 'tis the only one. 19 00:01:08,967 --> 00:01:11,686 (CLANG!) 20 00:01:12,007 --> 00:01:16,922 Then let the punishment commence! Where is the prisoner? 21 00:01:17,087 --> 00:01:22,400 - 'Ere, sir! - Then cast him down, master soldier! 22 00:01:25,447 --> 00:01:28,598 No, no, in the pit! 23 00:01:29,047 --> 00:01:31,800 Very good, master. 24 00:01:34,167 --> 00:01:37,603 - Who is this fellow? - That's you, master. 25 00:01:38,167 --> 00:01:40,158 No, no, in the pit! 26 00:01:40,327 --> 00:01:42,841 Very good, master. 27 00:01:43,647 --> 00:01:47,162 Who is this fellow in the pit?! 28 00:01:47,327 --> 00:01:50,637 That's me, master. That's right, innit? 29 00:01:51,807 --> 00:01:56,642 Master prisoner, dost thou know the crime of which 30 00:01:56,807 --> 00:01:59,719 thou hast been found guilty...of? 31 00:02:00,087 --> 00:02:01,884 Yes, your holiness. 32 00:02:03,127 --> 00:02:05,880 Well, what be that crime? 33 00:02:09,047 --> 00:02:15,282 Being Scottish and Jewish, two racial stereotypes for the price of one, 34 00:02:15,447 --> 00:02:19,918 perhaps the best value in the graveyard this morning. 35 00:02:20,087 --> 00:02:21,759 Perhaps not. 36 00:02:21,927 --> 00:02:27,365 Incidentally, let me say how pleased I am to be here at the graveyard 37 00:02:27,527 --> 00:02:30,485 where so many other comedians have died before me. 38 00:02:32,647 --> 00:02:34,046 Why not? 39 00:02:37,487 --> 00:02:39,557 (CLANG!) 40 00:02:44,167 --> 00:02:48,399 I've just seen the most amazing thing in the garden. 41 00:02:48,567 --> 00:02:51,525 Neil biffed himself in the face with a frying pan! 42 00:02:51,687 --> 00:02:54,326 You've been looking out that window for three hours. 43 00:02:54,487 --> 00:02:56,523 It's hardly surprising. 44 00:02:56,687 --> 00:03:00,839 - Vyvyan put Superglue on the pane. - Did I? That was a good joke! 45 00:03:01,007 --> 00:03:05,046 I'll probably be disfigured for life, and you'll have to pay! 46 00:03:05,207 --> 00:03:09,439 Then who'll be laughing? Huh! Not you, matey, that's for sure! 47 00:03:09,607 --> 00:03:12,326 Don't break the glass when you tear your face off. 48 00:03:12,487 --> 00:03:14,717 I won't, because... 49 00:03:16,287 --> 00:03:22,681 It's not true! It was a joke and you fell for it like the fascists you are! 50 00:03:23,967 --> 00:03:28,199 God, I'm bored! Might as well be listening to Genesis. 51 00:03:31,647 --> 00:03:33,683 Marrow! 52 00:03:35,967 --> 00:03:38,322 Meringue! 53 00:03:39,887 --> 00:03:42,276 Boomerang! 54 00:03:43,807 --> 00:03:46,446 - Long blue... - Oh, shut up! 55 00:03:46,607 --> 00:03:49,201 - I'm trying to freeform! - I'm trying to read! 56 00:03:49,367 --> 00:03:53,121 Oh, really? I learned how to do that years ago! 57 00:03:54,287 --> 00:03:59,805 What are you reading? A little Petrarchan verse? French drama? 58 00:03:59,967 --> 00:04:05,246 It's called ''SS Death Camp Battalion go to Monte Casino for the Massacre''. 59 00:04:06,287 --> 00:04:08,847 - That's my bloody comic! - Give it back! 60 00:04:09,007 --> 00:04:11,362 No, Vyvyan, it's mine! 61 00:04:11,527 --> 00:04:15,156 Anyway, there's no point reading comics. They're stupid! 62 00:04:15,327 --> 00:04:18,842 They treat the kids as if they were, well, you know, kids. 63 00:04:19,527 --> 00:04:23,805 Nothing but war in them. War! War! Bloody war! 64 00:04:23,967 --> 00:04:26,879 Why not have stories about love and peace? 65 00:04:27,047 --> 00:04:29,322 Because it's sissy, you girly! 66 00:04:29,487 --> 00:04:33,639 Longing for a peaceful world is not being girly! 67 00:04:33,807 --> 00:04:37,277 It is! It's being soppy and very, very girly. 68 00:04:37,447 --> 00:04:42,396 I am NOT being... This conversation is sexist anyway and I'm not continuing it. 69 00:04:44,407 --> 00:04:47,638 But...for your information... 70 00:04:47,807 --> 00:04:52,244 it is not soppy of me to long for a world where a man will love his brother. 71 00:04:52,847 --> 00:04:54,678 Poof! 72 00:04:55,527 --> 00:04:58,325 - You're trying to provoke me, aren't you? - Yeah! 73 00:04:58,487 --> 00:05:03,880 For one man to love another, Vyvyan, is not poofy. It's actually very beautiful. 74 00:05:04,047 --> 00:05:08,279 It's only when they start touching each other's bottoms that it gets... 75 00:05:09,327 --> 00:05:13,206 I'm gonna tell Mike and Neil you said you love men. Hey, Mike! 76 00:05:13,367 --> 00:05:17,360 I just said this comic was a reactionary, militarist pamphlet. 77 00:05:17,527 --> 00:05:20,803 - All they do is fight! - What's wrong with that? 78 00:05:20,967 --> 00:05:24,880 I suppose you think we should all be touching each other's bottoms! 79 00:05:25,047 --> 00:05:28,084 Dan Dare touches a Mekon's bottom! 80 00:05:28,247 --> 00:05:32,399 Exciting new story! Batman gooses the Joker's crack! 81 00:05:32,567 --> 00:05:35,957 ALL RIGHT! All right! All right. What's this? 82 00:05:38,087 --> 00:05:40,999 - Being poofy! - No, that's peace. 83 00:05:41,167 --> 00:05:43,476 Look, what's this? 84 00:05:43,647 --> 00:05:47,686 That's my bottom, isn't it? They're two completely different things. 85 00:05:48,767 --> 00:05:52,999 - Can I have the comic? - No, I paid for it and I'm reading it! 86 00:05:53,167 --> 00:05:55,397 (THUNDERCLAP) 87 00:05:56,647 --> 00:05:58,239 (CLANG!) 88 00:05:59,047 --> 00:06:04,360 Five past 11 and it's still raining. I wonder how hard it is. 89 00:06:05,087 --> 00:06:08,397 Probably not very hard. It's only made of water. 90 00:06:11,487 --> 00:06:14,001 I'm gonna find out, anyway. 91 00:06:20,807 --> 00:06:23,367 It's only spitting. 92 00:06:26,887 --> 00:06:30,323 God, this stuff is so reactionary! 93 00:06:30,487 --> 00:06:32,921 Why can't they show us some real heroes? 94 00:06:33,087 --> 00:06:38,764 # Dre-e-e-eam, dream, dream, dream, Dre-e-e-eam... # 95 00:06:38,927 --> 00:06:43,717 Ha ha! You gay black bastards! We're going to victimise you! 96 00:06:43,887 --> 00:06:48,039 (MEN) Oh, no! Who can help us now?! 97 00:06:48,727 --> 00:06:51,844 (POLICEMAN) Oh, no, it's the People's Poet! 98 00:06:52,007 --> 00:06:55,158 Gosh, People's Poet! Is it really you? 99 00:06:55,327 --> 00:07:00,685 Yes, it is, and you pigs are in for a pretty big shock! Right on! 100 00:07:03,487 --> 00:07:06,160 ''What do you think you're doing, pig?'' 101 00:07:07,487 --> 00:07:09,796 ''Do you really give a fig, pig?'' 102 00:07:11,407 --> 00:07:14,399 ''And what's your favourite sort of gig, pig?'' 103 00:07:14,567 --> 00:07:18,765 ''Barry Manilow, or the Black and White Minstrel Show?'' 104 00:07:20,407 --> 00:07:26,676 Thanks, People's Poet! Now the police won't hassle us on the streets any more. 105 00:07:29,047 --> 00:07:33,484 # Dream, dream, dream, dre-e-e-eam... # 106 00:07:40,127 --> 00:07:41,924 (CLANG!) 107 00:07:46,007 --> 00:07:48,123 - Hey, Neil. - Yes, Mike? 108 00:07:48,287 --> 00:07:50,403 Come over here. 109 00:07:50,567 --> 00:07:53,001 You want to know why I hit myself with a frying pan? 110 00:07:53,167 --> 00:07:55,317 - No. - Oh. 111 00:07:55,487 --> 00:07:58,957 - Where's my breakfast? - Yeah, where's my vindaloo, hippie? 112 00:07:59,127 --> 00:08:01,561 You went to the shops two hours ago. 113 00:08:01,727 --> 00:08:04,560 It's always my turn to go to the shops! 114 00:08:04,727 --> 00:08:09,039 - Why haven't you gone? - My hair'll lose its shape in the rain. 115 00:08:09,847 --> 00:08:13,317 - I haven't got any money. - There's plenty in the kitty! 116 00:08:13,487 --> 00:08:15,603 He's constipated. 117 00:08:15,767 --> 00:08:18,839 - Let's open him up. - There he is, get him! 118 00:08:19,007 --> 00:08:21,441 My favourite vegetables are peas. 119 00:08:21,607 --> 00:08:24,121 5ps, 10ps, 50ps! 120 00:08:24,287 --> 00:08:30,078 My wife's a terrible cook. Well, she would be, she's dead. What? Oh! 121 00:08:30,247 --> 00:08:31,566 Meow! 122 00:08:33,367 --> 00:08:35,642 - Did you get him? - No. 123 00:08:35,807 --> 00:08:39,083 But he's left a little present on the mat. 124 00:08:40,647 --> 00:08:43,559 OK, guys. What do we need? 125 00:08:43,727 --> 00:08:47,766 You know exactly what I need 'cause all my stuff is marked with stickers. 126 00:08:47,927 --> 00:08:52,125 Is yours the stuff with the stickers with ''Rick'' written on it? 127 00:08:52,287 --> 00:08:53,686 Yes. 128 00:08:53,847 --> 00:08:58,762 Oh, sod it! Sorry, Rick, I thought it was mine, and I've eaten every last bit! 129 00:09:00,367 --> 00:09:05,885 Look, guys, I know exactly whose food's whose 'cause I do all the shopping. 130 00:09:06,047 --> 00:09:09,960 And I do all the cleaning. I might as well be your mothers. 131 00:09:10,887 --> 00:09:13,117 But we don't hate our mothers. 132 00:09:13,287 --> 00:09:17,360 All right, so most metaphors don't bear close examination. 133 00:09:17,527 --> 00:09:20,246 Anyway...for example... 134 00:09:20,407 --> 00:09:23,365 This glob of green mould is Rick's. 135 00:09:23,527 --> 00:09:26,041 I spat on that so I wouldn't advise you eat it. 136 00:09:27,527 --> 00:09:29,995 The urine and the Super Mousse are Vyv's. 137 00:09:30,167 --> 00:09:34,160 - Yeah, and my potion as well. - What potion? 138 00:09:34,327 --> 00:09:37,797 It's a potion I've invented where, when the patient drinks it, 139 00:09:37,967 --> 00:09:41,403 he turns into an axe-wielding homicidal maniac. 140 00:09:41,567 --> 00:09:45,685 It's a cure - for not being an axe-wielding homicidal maniac. 141 00:09:45,847 --> 00:09:48,520 The potential market's enormous! 142 00:09:48,687 --> 00:09:52,646 - Is this it? - Yeah, nobody'll drink that by mistake. 143 00:09:53,407 --> 00:09:57,764 You know, I just bet, a bit later on, somebody does drink that 144 00:09:57,927 --> 00:10:01,237 and turns into an axe-wielding homicidal maniac. 145 00:10:01,967 --> 00:10:07,360 That's just the sort of crazy, imaginative thing that happens around here, isn't it? 146 00:10:08,727 --> 00:10:11,002 I said, isn't it? 147 00:10:11,167 --> 00:10:13,158 - Well? - Well, what, hippie? 148 00:10:13,327 --> 00:10:14,965 What do we need? 149 00:10:15,127 --> 00:10:19,006 Everything except urine, green globules and Super Mousse. 150 00:10:19,167 --> 00:10:23,445 Everything. Right... Lentils...wallpaper. 151 00:10:23,607 --> 00:10:26,041 Look, just get to the shops! 152 00:10:28,207 --> 00:10:29,799 (THUNDERCLAP) 153 00:10:29,967 --> 00:10:33,676 # To see that the rain came down, 154 00:10:33,847 --> 00:10:39,444 # Mother Earth smiled again 155 00:10:39,767 --> 00:10:44,795 # Now the lilacs grow blue 156 00:10:44,967 --> 00:10:48,357 # Now the fields could grow green... # 157 00:10:51,327 --> 00:10:53,204 - Anything yet? - Nope. 158 00:10:55,207 --> 00:10:58,040 Well, there must be something! 159 00:10:58,207 --> 00:11:01,244 Nope. Not a sausage. 160 00:11:02,367 --> 00:11:06,440 Look... Why won't you let me take the lens cap off? 161 00:11:06,607 --> 00:11:11,237 Because they're not real binoclears! There's no point taking them off! 162 00:11:11,407 --> 00:11:16,401 Well, why can't we have a real pair of binoclears for a change? 163 00:11:16,567 --> 00:11:20,446 Because then the aliens would know that we're watching them! 164 00:11:20,607 --> 00:11:23,167 But we're not watching them! 165 00:11:24,007 --> 00:11:26,726 Yes, but they're not to know that. 166 00:11:27,807 --> 00:11:31,243 This may sound like a stupid question... 167 00:11:32,247 --> 00:11:34,761 Lip, nip, nip, nip, bibble. 168 00:11:35,887 --> 00:11:38,959 - Yes, it does. - Ah. I thought so. 169 00:11:40,167 --> 00:11:43,523 What are we really doing here. Really? 170 00:11:43,687 --> 00:11:46,247 Ask the Manpower Services Commission! 171 00:11:46,407 --> 00:11:48,159 They told you! 172 00:11:51,647 --> 00:11:53,922 Is that a milkman? 173 00:11:54,087 --> 00:11:56,885 - No. - Good! Pass me the milk bottle! 174 00:12:01,527 --> 00:12:03,995 It's pissing down now. 175 00:12:04,167 --> 00:12:07,762 OK! That's just about the bloody limit! 176 00:12:07,927 --> 00:12:12,079 I only put it there on Wednesday! It's not as if they grow on trees! 177 00:12:12,247 --> 00:12:15,523 - Rick, what have you lost? - I had half an apple in there! 178 00:12:15,687 --> 00:12:18,247 All right, own up, who's taken it? 179 00:12:19,807 --> 00:12:24,358 What were you doing? Saving it for teacher? Trying to keep the doctor away? 180 00:12:24,527 --> 00:12:27,564 If he's anything like you...yes! 181 00:12:31,807 --> 00:12:36,005 - Did you take it, Mike? - If you're gonna sin, best be original. 182 00:12:36,167 --> 00:12:39,523 - What's that supposed to mean? - I don't know. 183 00:12:41,487 --> 00:12:44,559 I'm going to look in your bin for the pips! 184 00:12:47,527 --> 00:12:49,802 - He shouldn't do that. - Why not? 185 00:12:49,967 --> 00:12:52,322 There's a lion tamer up there. 186 00:12:53,447 --> 00:12:55,483 - (GROWL) - AAGH! 187 00:12:55,647 --> 00:13:00,323 # ..the lion sleeps tonight 188 00:13:01,207 --> 00:13:04,643 # In the jungle, the quiet jungle, 189 00:13:04,807 --> 00:13:08,083 # The lion sleeps tonight 190 00:13:08,247 --> 00:13:12,126 # Ahh-oooh 191 00:13:12,287 --> 00:13:14,847 # Eee-um-um-away 192 00:13:16,087 --> 00:13:19,841 # Oooh-ooh-ooh-ooh 193 00:13:20,007 --> 00:13:22,396 # Eee-um-umaway # 194 00:13:35,607 --> 00:13:37,598 I've never seen rain like this. 195 00:13:37,767 --> 00:13:40,281 Well, where's breakfast, then? 196 00:13:40,447 --> 00:13:43,917 Oh, no, I knew I went out for something! 197 00:13:44,087 --> 00:13:47,124 If your head was on strike, you couldn't picket your nose. 198 00:13:47,287 --> 00:13:51,326 - I'm starving, you bastard! - So you keep saying, Hitler! 199 00:13:51,487 --> 00:13:55,196 - Why don't you go to the shops yourself? - Yes, Vyvyan. 200 00:13:55,367 --> 00:13:59,246 - I don't want my forehead to rust! - A little rain never hurt anybody! 201 00:13:59,407 --> 00:14:01,967 Anyway, you can take your stupid car! 202 00:14:02,807 --> 00:14:05,480 I could, if it was tied down properly. 203 00:14:05,647 --> 00:14:08,684 Blimey, look at the water out there! 204 00:14:09,167 --> 00:14:13,445 - Now we'll never get to the shops. - Neil, can I see your tonsils? 205 00:14:13,607 --> 00:14:17,646 - Do I sound ill? - No, I just want some breakfast. 206 00:14:17,807 --> 00:14:21,686 For heaven's sake! Why can't we behave like civilised people? 207 00:14:21,847 --> 00:14:26,875 We are students! We're old enough to vote, and do things to girls. 208 00:14:27,047 --> 00:14:32,201 We can go to prison and drive. Last week, I even got into an ''X'' film! 209 00:14:32,367 --> 00:14:37,999 How about finding some adult pursuit to keep us going until the rain stops? 210 00:14:39,727 --> 00:14:41,558 Michael? 211 00:14:45,247 --> 00:14:48,364 ..25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31... 212 00:14:48,527 --> 00:14:50,165 (GROWL!) 213 00:14:50,327 --> 00:14:52,204 (SPLODGE!) 214 00:15:05,087 --> 00:15:09,763 67... 80... 2,500! Coming, ready or not! 215 00:15:12,127 --> 00:15:13,879 Found you, Mike! 216 00:15:14,047 --> 00:15:16,356 - No, you haven't. - What? 217 00:15:16,527 --> 00:15:19,883 I'm the best at playing games, so find the others first. 218 00:15:21,047 --> 00:15:23,925 - I'm sorry, Mike. - It's all right. 219 00:15:24,087 --> 00:15:26,203 Come back when they've lost. 220 00:15:26,367 --> 00:15:27,880 All right. 221 00:15:32,367 --> 00:15:35,086 Great hiding place, Mike! 222 00:15:38,967 --> 00:15:43,040 Oh, for heaven's sake, I've found you! Why isn't anyone playing properly? 223 00:15:43,207 --> 00:15:47,439 - I haven't started hiding yet! - Would you do it now, please? 224 00:15:47,607 --> 00:15:49,677 I'll give you five. 225 00:15:51,287 --> 00:15:52,879 FIVE! 226 00:15:56,047 --> 00:15:57,400 BASTARD! 227 00:16:06,367 --> 00:16:08,403 (SLEIGHBELLS) 228 00:16:12,727 --> 00:16:15,844 Look, Your Majesty, a young fawn! 229 00:16:16,007 --> 00:16:20,523 That's not a fawn, that's a manchild, son of Adam. 230 00:16:20,687 --> 00:16:22,837 His presence signals danger. 231 00:16:23,367 --> 00:16:28,043 - It's the prophecy! - Silence! We must question him. 232 00:16:28,527 --> 00:16:31,678 Hello, little boy, what's your name? 233 00:16:31,847 --> 00:16:35,726 - Vyvyan! - What a lovely name! Come. 234 00:16:35,887 --> 00:16:38,640 Sit next to me, child. 235 00:16:39,607 --> 00:16:42,838 Have some Turkish Delight. 236 00:16:43,007 --> 00:16:45,805 Eugh! Who's farted? 237 00:16:45,967 --> 00:16:48,117 It's not me! 238 00:16:49,527 --> 00:16:52,724 That's revolting. That's revolting! 239 00:16:52,887 --> 00:16:55,924 People like you should be put in boxes tied up with string 240 00:16:56,087 --> 00:16:59,762 and left in small dark rooms with no electricity. 241 00:16:59,927 --> 00:17:01,963 - Who says? - For a month. 242 00:17:02,127 --> 00:17:03,879 Who says?! 243 00:17:04,047 --> 00:17:06,481 - She does! - That's a lie, Shirley! 244 00:17:06,647 --> 00:17:09,639 - Is that your name?! - It's better'n Vyvyan! 245 00:17:09,807 --> 00:17:12,685 - Oh, yeah?! - Oh, shut up! 246 00:17:13,527 --> 00:17:18,840 - Would you like some Turkish Delight? - Not really. You got any kebabs? 247 00:17:19,007 --> 00:17:21,601 Look, sweetheart, eat some Turkish Delight 248 00:17:21,767 --> 00:17:25,555 or you'll find yourself in the rockery holding a fishing rod! 249 00:17:25,727 --> 00:17:29,356 - She means it. - Look, I'm in a bit of a hurry. 250 00:17:29,527 --> 00:17:33,042 I'm trying to hide from someone. You haven't seen a wimpy sociology student 251 00:17:33,207 --> 00:17:36,199 - being chased by a lion? - A lion? 252 00:17:36,367 --> 00:17:39,518 If you do, don't tell him I'm hiding in this tree... 253 00:17:39,687 --> 00:17:43,157 Wait, manchild! I command you! Stop him, Shirley. 254 00:17:43,327 --> 00:17:47,366 Your Majesty, he said a lion. It's the prophecy! 255 00:17:47,527 --> 00:17:48,846 AAAAGH! 256 00:17:50,527 --> 00:17:52,483 What's the bloody point?! 257 00:17:52,647 --> 00:17:54,126 (CRASH!) 258 00:17:54,287 --> 00:17:56,005 (RICK) All right, I give up! 259 00:17:56,167 --> 00:17:58,920 Coo-ee! Behind you! 260 00:18:00,207 --> 00:18:03,882 You bloody cheat! I thought we said no hiding in the cellar! 261 00:18:04,047 --> 00:18:07,084 What are you looking in the cellar for? 262 00:18:07,247 --> 00:18:11,798 I just came down here to say I'm not playing your bloody childish game! 263 00:18:11,967 --> 00:18:15,755 It was your idea to play hide-and-seek! 264 00:18:15,927 --> 00:18:20,159 I was playing another joke on you, and ha ha! Because you fell for it! 265 00:18:21,127 --> 00:18:25,279 Well, I didn't fall for it because... because, while you were counting to 100, 266 00:18:25,447 --> 00:18:29,440 I went up to your bedroom and set fire to your sociology file! 267 00:18:38,407 --> 00:18:40,682 HA HA HA! HA HA HA! 268 00:18:47,287 --> 00:18:50,359 AAAGH! AAAAAGH! 269 00:18:52,207 --> 00:18:56,166 Lads, come quickly! Rick's bedroom's on fire! 270 00:18:56,327 --> 00:18:59,080 Great! Come on! 271 00:19:01,407 --> 00:19:04,001 Now you've hurt my bottom! 272 00:19:04,847 --> 00:19:08,806 Hello! Hello, boys! It's Jerzei Balowski, your landlord, 273 00:19:08,967 --> 00:19:12,880 come for the party with the Tremolo records, boys! 274 00:19:13,047 --> 00:19:15,402 Hello, boys! Anybody ho-ome?! 275 00:19:15,607 --> 00:19:17,598 (SIRENS OUTSIDE) 276 00:19:17,807 --> 00:19:21,595 Oh! Coca-Cola! Symbol of Free West! Oh! 277 00:19:22,647 --> 00:19:24,956 Oh, I like Coca-Cola. Hmm! 278 00:19:25,607 --> 00:19:27,916 (BLOODCURDLING SCREAM) 279 00:19:28,087 --> 00:19:30,157 Oh. Tastes good. 280 00:19:31,327 --> 00:19:35,240 Hello, boys. Hello - WAGH! - Hello? 281 00:19:35,407 --> 00:19:37,796 Hello... Ngh! Ngh! Ngh! 282 00:19:37,967 --> 00:19:40,197 Boys! Where are you?! 283 00:19:40,367 --> 00:19:42,483 (YAPPING) 284 00:19:42,647 --> 00:19:45,400 Boys! Hellooo, where are you? 285 00:19:45,567 --> 00:19:48,127 Hello, boys, where are you? 286 00:19:50,127 --> 00:19:55,406 I was just hiding in the wardrobe and it was getting really hot, 287 00:19:55,567 --> 00:19:58,035 then suddenly, I thought, ''Oh, no! 288 00:19:58,207 --> 00:20:01,483 ''I forgot to put out that essay that was burning on Rick's desk!'' 289 00:20:01,647 --> 00:20:05,356 I started that. Trying to make Rick think I was in his bedroom! 290 00:20:05,527 --> 00:20:08,166 You set fire to Rick's bedroom? 291 00:20:08,327 --> 00:20:12,718 That's really selfish! I was hiding in there, you could've given me away! 292 00:20:12,887 --> 00:20:17,165 Help! Help! Call the firemen! 293 00:20:18,647 --> 00:20:21,957 AGH! HELP! CALL THE FIREMAN! 294 00:20:31,647 --> 00:20:34,207 Blimey, that was quick! 295 00:20:34,367 --> 00:20:37,837 Well, super! Perfect! Lovely! 296 00:20:38,007 --> 00:20:42,125 Wonderful! Good old Vyvyan! Big tick! A plus! Ten out of ten! 297 00:20:42,287 --> 00:20:44,960 Go and see matron for more tuck! 298 00:20:45,127 --> 00:20:49,279 Great, isn't it? Just think, I won't have to put my bed in the toaster now. 299 00:20:49,447 --> 00:20:54,123 - Anyone got a light? - Sorry, Mike, I did have one. 300 00:20:54,287 --> 00:20:58,280 But I went and put it out! What a twit! Slap, slap, slap! 301 00:20:58,447 --> 00:21:01,837 - You got a fish sticking out of your shirt. - I hate sharks. 302 00:21:02,007 --> 00:21:05,966 - Don't be stupid, that's not a shark. - No, but that is. 303 00:21:06,127 --> 00:21:10,040 That's the most completely brilliant thing I've ever seen! 304 00:21:10,207 --> 00:21:13,324 - A flying shark! - Er, sharks don't fly. 305 00:21:13,487 --> 00:21:17,605 Oh, wow! That's what those sirens must've been! 306 00:21:17,767 --> 00:21:19,837 Shark warnings! 307 00:21:20,007 --> 00:21:24,683 I don't want to be a wet blanket, but if this house is a bottle, I'm the message. 308 00:21:24,847 --> 00:21:27,236 - What do you mean? - Simple! 309 00:21:27,407 --> 00:21:30,046 London has flooded. 310 00:21:30,767 --> 00:21:34,237 Oh, well, we'll probably get drowned or eaten by octopuses, then. 311 00:21:35,407 --> 00:21:36,920 WHAT?! 312 00:21:37,087 --> 00:21:39,362 - Phone the police! - But they're fascists. 313 00:21:39,527 --> 00:21:43,042 Never mind about that now! Telephone, Vyvyan! 314 00:21:57,367 --> 00:21:59,437 Oh, it's broken. 315 00:22:02,367 --> 00:22:05,165 Anybody home, boys? Hello! 316 00:22:07,807 --> 00:22:11,038 Hello! Boys! Anybody home? 317 00:22:11,207 --> 00:22:14,802 I know, switch on the radio! There might be a public information bulletin! 318 00:22:15,647 --> 00:22:18,081 How long have you been in the music biz? 319 00:22:18,247 --> 00:22:23,446 Since lunchtime. I was working in a launderette on Kings Road this morning. 320 00:22:23,607 --> 00:22:28,727 Malcolm liked the look of me. It took off from there. 321 00:22:28,887 --> 00:22:32,243 And was it his idea that you should amputate your arms? 322 00:22:32,407 --> 00:22:36,195 Originally, but I could see the validity of the idea from the start. 323 00:22:36,367 --> 00:22:38,517 Right. In what way? 324 00:22:38,687 --> 00:22:43,158 Well...my music's all about urban alienation, apparently. 325 00:22:44,327 --> 00:22:46,318 What's going on here? 326 00:22:46,487 --> 00:22:48,717 - I can't swim! - I can't see! 327 00:22:48,887 --> 00:22:51,640 Why wasn't there anything about this on the radio? 328 00:22:56,287 --> 00:22:59,643 That's just typical of you, Vyvyan! 329 00:22:59,807 --> 00:23:04,483 The house is under 50 feet of water and what do you do? Build a submarine! 330 00:23:06,927 --> 00:23:09,487 There's no room for me in there, is there? 331 00:23:09,647 --> 00:23:11,399 No. 332 00:23:11,567 --> 00:23:16,197 Of course there isn't any room in it for you. Why should there be? 333 00:23:16,607 --> 00:23:19,724 I wanna see you drown, and if I wanna see you drown, 334 00:23:19,887 --> 00:23:24,165 why should I build a submarine with room for you in it, stupid?! 335 00:23:24,327 --> 00:23:26,477 I'm not even taking SPG. 336 00:23:26,647 --> 00:23:29,286 Is that right? We'll see about that, pally! 337 00:23:30,927 --> 00:23:33,157 Bastard! Agh! 338 00:23:34,567 --> 00:23:38,003 Oh, wow, Vyvyan, man, you broke your own submarine! 339 00:23:38,167 --> 00:23:42,319 You bastard! I've shown you a great deal of consideration over the years, 340 00:23:42,487 --> 00:23:45,479 but doesn't that count for anything?! 341 00:23:45,647 --> 00:23:47,638 You're going out to play with the sharks! 342 00:23:54,327 --> 00:23:57,080 Hello, hello, are you lunch? 343 00:23:57,247 --> 00:24:01,638 Is that you? I think you're great, I've seen all your films! 344 00:24:01,807 --> 00:24:04,116 Can I have your autograph? 345 00:24:04,287 --> 00:24:08,803 It's a bore, I know, but I'd miss it if they didn't ask. 346 00:24:08,967 --> 00:24:12,846 Hello! Anybody? Hello! Hellooo! 347 00:24:13,007 --> 00:24:15,157 (WOLVES HOWL) 348 00:24:17,727 --> 00:24:20,082 Hello, anybody? Hello! 349 00:24:21,567 --> 00:24:23,876 (CRASH) 350 00:24:26,967 --> 00:24:29,322 (GROWLING) 351 00:24:30,527 --> 00:24:32,165 (SQUEAL) 352 00:24:41,527 --> 00:24:45,440 Wouldn't it be terrible if we ended up having to eat each other? 353 00:24:45,607 --> 00:24:50,886 Like those sailors in that film, er... ''We Ended Up Having to Eat Each Other''. 354 00:24:53,767 --> 00:24:58,795 Yes, I suppose so, Neil, except we don't have any dead sailors lying around. 355 00:24:58,967 --> 00:25:03,085 Or perhaps I just haven't seen them! Perhaps I should get a white stick! 356 00:25:03,247 --> 00:25:06,364 - I was just saying... - Yeah, well, don't! 357 00:25:07,807 --> 00:25:12,119 As usual, Mike the cool person comes up with a solution in times of trouble. 358 00:25:12,287 --> 00:25:14,482 Even trouble with a capital T. 359 00:25:14,647 --> 00:25:18,799 This is, as they say, the moment of not telling too many lies. 360 00:25:19,887 --> 00:25:22,447 - Are you with me? - Not at all. 361 00:25:23,087 --> 00:25:28,480 Definition of hunger: too many guys, not enough food. So we change the ratio. 362 00:25:28,647 --> 00:25:30,717 - Neil's come up with the answer. - Oh. 363 00:25:30,887 --> 00:25:34,084 There's only one problem - who's going in the pot? 364 00:25:40,367 --> 00:25:42,756 Me! No, him, it's a joke. 365 00:25:47,927 --> 00:25:51,237 Just my luck, I s'pose, to get the shortest straw. 366 00:25:51,407 --> 00:25:55,525 Mind you, it was uncool of the guys not to show me theirs but... 367 00:25:55,687 --> 00:25:57,962 Hi, guys, yeah, come in, sit down. 368 00:25:58,127 --> 00:26:00,402 Wanna play some records? 369 00:26:00,567 --> 00:26:04,640 Oh, guys, I just remembered I've got something important to do... 370 00:26:04,807 --> 00:26:06,798 (MIKE) No time for that, we're hungry. 371 00:26:06,967 --> 00:26:09,561 Ah, look, he's scared! 372 00:26:09,727 --> 00:26:14,005 Scaredy cat, scaredy cat, sitting on the doormat, all the little doggy-wogs... 373 00:26:14,167 --> 00:26:16,317 ..will have a...little bit of it... 374 00:26:16,487 --> 00:26:18,398 Right, here goes. 375 00:26:18,567 --> 00:26:20,444 Hold it, hold it! 376 00:26:20,607 --> 00:26:23,246 Hold it like that, get a nice clean cut. 377 00:26:23,407 --> 00:26:26,444 Vyvyan, could I have an anaesthetic? 378 00:26:26,607 --> 00:26:28,438 'Course you can. 379 00:26:29,927 --> 00:26:34,762 Er, no, wait... Mike, is there time for a last cigarette? 380 00:26:34,927 --> 00:26:36,997 I don't see why not. Yeah. 381 00:26:42,287 --> 00:26:44,118 All right. 382 00:26:44,287 --> 00:26:46,357 I've got his leg, here! 383 00:26:52,007 --> 00:26:54,726 Here's Jerzei! 384 00:26:55,407 --> 00:26:57,523 - It's Balowski! - How did he get in? 385 00:26:57,687 --> 00:27:03,956 - You could eat him. - Little pigs! Little pigs! Let me in! 386 00:27:04,127 --> 00:27:08,518 # Boys and girls come out to play on the busy motorway! # 387 00:27:08,687 --> 00:27:12,885 Let me in! Jerzei wants to play hospitals! 388 00:27:13,047 --> 00:27:16,403 Oh, God, he's turned into a homicidal axe-wielding maniac! 389 00:27:16,567 --> 00:27:19,445 Out of the frying pan, into another frying pan! 390 00:27:19,607 --> 00:27:23,998 - Except this time it's hotter, of course... - Shut up, Neil, shut up! 391 00:27:24,167 --> 00:27:26,886 Shut up! Shut! 392 00:27:27,047 --> 00:27:30,323 There's no one in here, we're all holograms! 393 00:27:31,167 --> 00:27:32,759 What'll we do? 394 00:27:35,087 --> 00:27:41,606 Well, we're halfway through the show and...it's time for Halftime Report. 395 00:27:42,247 --> 00:27:45,205 I think the show's been going particularly well. 396 00:27:45,367 --> 00:27:50,885 I like the way Rick has been running off the joke into the dead laugh area. 397 00:27:52,287 --> 00:27:56,678 Going into the international sphere, they're going to face stiff competition. 398 00:27:56,847 --> 00:27:59,884 Especially from the Swedish comedy series 399 00:28:00,047 --> 00:28:02,766 ''Oh, Where's my Volvo?'' 400 00:28:02,927 --> 00:28:06,681 and from the French with their comedy series, 401 00:28:06,847 --> 00:28:09,884 ''Mr Poo-Poo Goes to the Lavatory''. 402 00:28:10,047 --> 00:28:12,083 - Anyway... - (MAN) That's enough. 403 00:28:12,247 --> 00:28:15,842 Sorry, Paul. Halftime's over and it's back to the action. 404 00:28:16,007 --> 00:28:18,680 AAAAGH! AAAAAAH! 405 00:28:18,847 --> 00:28:23,159 Let me in, boys! Jerzei wants to finger your entrails! 406 00:28:24,367 --> 00:28:26,835 I know! Put Neil's speaker in front of the door! 407 00:28:27,007 --> 00:28:31,762 - I don't wanna go in front of the door! - No! Jimi Hendrix once pissed on that! 408 00:28:33,407 --> 00:28:36,080 Help! Help! Help! 409 00:28:36,247 --> 00:28:38,602 Yes! Yes! 410 00:28:38,767 --> 00:28:42,760 - Bite his fingers, Neil! - But I'm a vegetarian! 411 00:28:42,927 --> 00:28:45,919 Well, keep him occupied while we escape. 412 00:28:49,207 --> 00:28:50,435 Eugh! 413 00:29:02,527 --> 00:29:04,722 (LIONS ROAR...SCREAMING) 414 00:29:06,127 --> 00:29:08,083 All right now? 415 00:29:08,687 --> 00:29:12,441 It's a good job Bobby was here with his man-eating lions. 416 00:29:12,607 --> 00:29:14,916 I'd like to shake his hand. 417 00:29:15,087 --> 00:29:17,282 - Here. - Oh, thanks. 418 00:29:19,087 --> 00:29:23,319 Hey, wow, guys, come and look! The house has grown! 419 00:29:24,487 --> 00:29:28,321 He's wrong, you know! The waters are subsiding. 420 00:29:28,927 --> 00:29:30,724 (VYV) What's that?