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# Once in every lifetime
# Comes a love like this
# Oh, I need you, you need me,
# Oh, my darling, can't you see,
# Darling, we're the Young Ones
# The Young Ones
# (RICK) Shouldn't be afraid
# To live,
# Love
# There's a song to be sung
# 'Cause we may not be the Young Ones very long #
(MEN CHANT) Dominus ad nauseam.
Dominus ad nauseam.
Be this the pit, master gravedigger?
It is, your holiness.
It is the finest pit we 'ave dug this morrow. In troth, 'tis the only one.
(CLANG!)
Then let the punishment commence! Where is the prisoner?
- 'Ere, sir! - Then cast him down, master soldier!
No, no, in the pit!
Very good, master.
- Who is this fellow? - That's you, master.
No, no, in the pit!
Very good, master.
Who is this fellow in the pit?!
That's me, master. That's right, innit?
Master prisoner, dost thou know the crime of which
thou hast been found guilty...of?
Yes, your holiness.
Well, what be that crime?
Being Scottish and Jewish, two racial stereotypes for the price of one,
perhaps the best value in the graveyard this morning.
Perhaps not.
Incidentally, let me say how pleased I am to be here at the graveyard
where so many other comedians have died before me.
Why not?
(CLANG!)
I've just seen the most amazing thing in the garden.
Neil biffed himself in the face with a frying pan!
You've been looking out that window for three hours.
It's hardly surprising.
- Vyvyan put Superglue on the pane. - Did I? That was a good joke!
I'll probably be disfigured for life, and you'll have to pay!
Then who'll be laughing? Huh! Not you, matey, that's for sure!
Don't break the glass when you tear your face off.
I won't, because...
It's not true! It was a joke and you fell for it like the fascists you are!
God, I'm bored! Might as well be listening to Genesis.
Marrow!
Meringue!
Boomerang!
- Long blue... - Oh, shut up!
- I'm trying to freeform! - I'm trying to read!
Oh, really? I learned how to do that years ago!
What are you reading? A little Petrarchan verse? French drama?
It's called ''SS Death Camp Battalion go to Monte Casino for the Massacre''.
- That's my bloody comic! - Give it back!
No, Vyvyan, it's mine!
Anyway, there's no point reading comics. They're stupid!
They treat the kids as if they were, well, you know, kids.
Nothing but war in them. War! War! Bloody war!
Why not have stories about love and peace?
Because it's sissy, you girly!
Longing for a peaceful world is not being girly!
It is! It's being soppy and very, very girly.
I am NOT being... This conversation is sexist anyway and I'm not continuing it.
But...for your information...
it is not soppy of me to long for a world where a man will love his brother.
Poof!
- You're trying to provoke me, aren't you? - Yeah!
For one man to love another, Vyvyan, is not poofy. It's actually very beautiful.
It's only when they start touching each other's bottoms that it gets...
I'm gonna tell Mike and Neil you said you love men. Hey, Mike!
I just said this comic was a reactionary, militarist pamphlet.
- All they do is fight! - What's wrong with that?
I suppose you think we should all be touching each other's bottoms!
Dan Dare touches a Mekon's bottom!
Exciting new story! Batman gooses the Joker's crack!
ALL RIGHT! All right! All right. What's this?
- Being poofy! - No, that's peace.
Look, what's this?
That's my bottom, isn't it? They're two completely different things.
- Can I have the comic? - No, I paid for it and I'm reading it!
(THUNDERCLAP)
(CLANG!)
Five past 11 and it's still raining. I wonder how hard it is.
Probably not very hard. It's only made of water.
I'm gonna find out, anyway.
It's only spitting.
God, this stuff is so reactionary!
Why can't they show us some real heroes?
# Dre-e-e-eam, dream, dream, dream, Dre-e-e-eam... #
Ha ha! You gay black bastards! We're going to victimise you!
(MEN) Oh, no! Who can help us now?!
(POLICEMAN) Oh, no, it's the People's Poet!
Gosh, People's Poet! Is it really you?
Yes, it is, and you pigs are in for a pretty big shock! Right on!
''What do you think you're doing, pig?''
''Do you really give a fig, pig?''
''And what's your favourite sort of gig, pig?''
''Barry Manilow, or the Black and White Minstrel Show?''
Thanks, People's Poet! Now the police won't hassle us on the streets any more.
# Dream, dream, dream, dre-e-e-eam... #
(CLANG!)
- Hey, Neil. - Yes, Mike?
Come over here.
You want to know why I hit myself with a frying pan?
- No. - Oh.
- Where's my breakfast? - Yeah, where's my vindaloo, hippie?
You went to the shops two hours ago.
It's always my turn to go to the shops!
- Why haven't you gone? - My hair'll lose its shape in the rain.
- I haven't got any money. - There's plenty in the kitty!
He's constipated.
- Let's open him up. - There he is, get him!
My favourite vegetables are peas.
5ps, 10ps, 50ps!
My wife's a terrible cook. Well, she would be, she's dead. What? Oh!
Meow!
- Did you get him? - No.
But he's left a little present on the mat.
OK, guys. What do we need?
You know exactly what I need 'cause all my stuff is marked with stickers.
Is yours the stuff with the stickers with ''Rick'' written on it?
Yes.
Oh, sod it! Sorry, Rick, I thought it was mine, and I've eaten every last bit!
Look, guys, I know exactly whose food's whose 'cause I do all the shopping.
And I do all the cleaning. I might as well be your mothers.
But we don't hate our mothers.
All right, so most metaphors don't bear close examination.
Anyway...for example...
This glob of green mould is Rick's.
I spat on that so I wouldn't advise you eat it.
The urine and the Super Mousse are Vyv's.
- Yeah, and my potion as well. - What potion?
It's a potion I've invented where, when the patient drinks it,
he turns into an axe-wielding homicidal maniac.
It's a cure - for not being an axe-wielding homicidal maniac.
The potential market's enormous!
- Is this it? - Yeah, nobody'll drink that by mistake.
You know, I just bet, a bit later on, somebody does drink that
and turns into an axe-wielding homicidal maniac.
That's just the sort of crazy, imaginative thing that happens around here, isn't it?
I said, isn't it?
- Well? - Well, what, hippie?
What do we need?
Everything except urine, green globules and Super Mousse.
Everything. Right... Lentils...wallpaper.
Look, just get to the shops!
(THUNDERCLAP)
# To see that the rain came down,
# Mother Earth smiled again
# Now the lilacs grow blue
# Now the fields could grow green... #
- Anything yet? - Nope.
Well, there must be something!
Nope. Not a sausage.
Look... Why won't you let me take the lens cap off?
Because they're not real binoclears! There's no point taking them off!
Well, why can't we have a real pair of binoclears for a change?
Because then the aliens would know that we're watching them!
But we're not watching them!
Yes, but they're not to know that.
This may sound like a stupid question...
Lip, nip, nip, nip, bibble.
- Yes, it does. - Ah. I thought so.
What are we really doing here. Really?
Ask the Manpower Services Commission!
They told you!
Is that a milkman?
- No. - Good! Pass me the milk bottle!
It's pissing down now.
OK! That's just about the bloody limit!
I only put it there on Wednesday! It's not as if they grow on trees!
- Rick, what have you lost? - I had half an apple in there!
All right, own up, who's taken it?
What were you doing? Saving it for teacher? Trying to keep the doctor away?
If he's anything like you...yes!
- Did you take it, Mike? - If you're gonna sin, best be original.
- What's that supposed to mean? - I don't know.
I'm going to look in your bin for the pips!
- He shouldn't do that. - Why not?
There's a lion tamer up there.
- (GROWL) - AAGH!
# ..the lion sleeps tonight
# In the jungle, the quiet jungle,
# The lion sleeps tonight
# Ahh-oooh
# Eee-um-um-away
# Oooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
# Eee-um-umaway #
I've never seen rain like this.
Well, where's breakfast, then?
Oh, no, I knew I went out for something!
If your head was on strike, you couldn't picket your nose.
- I'm starving, you bastard! - So you keep saying, Hitler!
- Why don't you go to the shops yourself? - Yes, Vyvyan.
- I don't want my forehead to rust! - A little rain never hurt anybody!
Anyway, you can take your stupid car!
I could, if it was tied down properly.
Blimey, look at the water out there!
- Now we'll never get to the shops. - Neil, can I see your tonsils?
- Do I sound ill? - No, I just want some breakfast.
For heaven's sake! Why can't we behave like civilised people?
We are students! We're old enough to vote, and do things to girls.
We can go to prison and drive. Last week, I even got into an ''X'' film!
How about finding some adult pursuit to keep us going until the rain stops?
Michael?
..25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31...
(GROWL!)
(SPLODGE!)
67... 80... 2,500! Coming, ready or not!
Found you, Mike!
- No, you haven't. - What?
I'm the best at playing games, so find the others first.
- I'm sorry, Mike. - It's all right.
Come back when they've lost.
All right.
Great hiding place, Mike!
Oh, for heaven's sake, I've found you! Why isn't anyone playing properly?
- I haven't started hiding yet! - Would you do it now, please?
I'll give you five.
FIVE!
BASTARD!
(SLEIGHBELLS)
Look, Your Majesty, a young fawn!
That's not a fawn, that's a manchild, son of Adam.
His presence signals danger.
- It's the prophecy! - Silence! We must question him.
Hello, little boy, what's your name?
- Vyvyan! - What a lovely name! Come.
Sit next to me, child.
Have some Turkish Delight.
Eugh! Who's farted?
It's not me!
That's revolting. That's revolting!
People like you should be put in boxes tied up with string
and left in small dark rooms with no electricity.
- Who says? - For a month.
Who says?!
- She does! - That's a lie, Shirley!
- Is that your name?! - It's better'n Vyvyan!
- Oh, yeah?! - Oh, shut up!
- Would you like some Turkish Delight? - Not really. You got any kebabs?
Look, sweetheart, eat some Turkish Delight
or you'll find yourself in the rockery holding a fishing rod!
- She means it. - Look, I'm in a bit of a hurry.
I'm trying to hide from someone. You haven't seen a wimpy sociology student
- being chased by a lion? - A lion?
If you do, don't tell him I'm hiding in this tree...
Wait, manchild! I command you! Stop him, Shirley.
Your Majesty, he said a lion. It's the prophecy!
AAAAGH!
What's the bloody point?!
(CRASH!)
(RICK) All right, I give up!
Coo-ee! Behind you!
You bloody cheat! I thought we said no hiding in the cellar!
What are you looking in the cellar for?
I just came down here to say I'm not playing your bloody childish game!
It was your idea to play hide-and-seek!
I was playing another joke on you, and ha ha! Because you fell for it!
Well, I didn't fall for it because... because, while you were counting to 100,
I went up to your bedroom and set fire to your sociology file!
HA HA HA! HA HA HA!
AAAGH! AAAAAGH!
Lads, come quickly! Rick's bedroom's on fire!
Great! Come on!
Now you've hurt my bottom!
Hello! Hello, boys! It's Jerzei Balowski, your landlord,
come for the party with the Tremolo records, boys!
Hello, boys! Anybody ho-ome?!
(SIRENS OUTSIDE)
Oh! Coca-Cola! Symbol of Free West! Oh!
Oh, I like Coca-Cola. Hmm!
(BLOODCURDLING SCREAM)
Oh. Tastes good.
Hello, boys. Hello - WAGH! - Hello?
Hello... Ngh! Ngh! Ngh!
Boys! Where are you?!
(YAPPING)
Boys! Hellooo, where are you?
Hello, boys, where are you?
I was just hiding in the wardrobe and it was getting really hot,
then suddenly, I thought, ''Oh, no!
''I forgot to put out that essay that was burning on Rick's desk!''
I started that. Trying to make Rick think I was in his bedroom!
You set fire to Rick's bedroom?
That's really selfish! I was hiding in there, you could've given me away!
Help! Help! Call the firemen!
AGH! HELP! CALL THE FIREMAN!
Blimey, that was quick!
Well, super! Perfect! Lovely!
Wonderful! Good old Vyvyan! Big tick! A plus! Ten out of ten!
Go and see matron for more tuck!
Great, isn't it? Just think, I won't have to put my bed in the toaster now.
- Anyone got a light? - Sorry, Mike, I did have one.
But I went and put it out! What a twit! Slap, slap, slap!
- You got a fish sticking out of your shirt. - I hate sharks.
- Don't be stupid, that's not a shark. - No, but that is.
That's the most completely brilliant thing I've ever seen!
- A flying shark! - Er, sharks don't fly.
Oh, wow! That's what those sirens must've been!
Shark warnings!
I don't want to be a wet blanket, but if this house is a bottle, I'm the message.
- What do you mean? - Simple!
London has flooded.
Oh, well, we'll probably get drowned or eaten by octopuses, then.
WHAT?!
- Phone the police! - But they're fascists.
Never mind about that now! Telephone, Vyvyan!
Oh, it's broken.
Anybody home, boys? Hello!
Hello! Boys! Anybody home?
I know, switch on the radio! There might be a public information bulletin!
How long have you been in the music biz?
Since lunchtime. I was working in a launderette on Kings Road this morning.
Malcolm liked the look of me. It took off from there.
And was it his idea that you should amputate your arms?
Originally, but I could see the validity of the idea from the start.
Right. In what way?
Well...my music's all about urban alienation, apparently.
What's going on here?
- I can't swim! - I can't see!
Why wasn't there anything about this on the radio?
That's just typical of you, Vyvyan!
The house is under 50 feet of water and what do you do? Build a submarine!
There's no room for me in there, is there?
No.
Of course there isn't any room in it for you. Why should there be?
I wanna see you drown, and if I wanna see you drown,
why should I build a submarine with room for you in it, stupid?!
I'm not even taking SPG.
Is that right? We'll see about that, pally!
Bastard! Agh!
Oh, wow, Vyvyan, man, you broke your own submarine!
You bastard! I've shown you a great deal of consideration over the years,
but doesn't that count for anything?!
You're going out to play with the sharks!
Hello, hello, are you lunch?
Is that you? I think you're great, I've seen all your films!
Can I have your autograph?
It's a bore, I know, but I'd miss it if they didn't ask.
Hello! Anybody? Hello! Hellooo!
(WOLVES HOWL)
Hello, anybody? Hello!
(CRASH)
(GROWLING)
(SQUEAL)
Wouldn't it be terrible if we ended up having to eat each other?
Like those sailors in that film, er... ''We Ended Up Having to Eat Each Other''.
Yes, I suppose so, Neil, except we don't have any dead sailors lying around.
Or perhaps I just haven't seen them! Perhaps I should get a white stick!
- I was just saying... - Yeah, well, don't!
As usual, Mike the cool person comes up with a solution in times of trouble.
Even trouble with a capital T.
This is, as they say, the moment of not telling too many lies.
- Are you with me? - Not at all.
Definition of hunger: too many guys, not enough food. So we change the ratio.
- Neil's come up with the answer. - Oh.
There's only one problem - who's going in the pot?
Me! No, him, it's a joke.
Just my luck, I s'pose, to get the shortest straw.
Mind you, it was uncool of the guys not to show me theirs but...
Hi, guys, yeah, come in, sit down.
Wanna play some records?
Oh, guys, I just remembered I've got something important to do...
(MIKE) No time for that, we're hungry.
Ah, look, he's scared!
Scaredy cat, scaredy cat, sitting on the doormat, all the little doggy-wogs...
..will have a...little bit of it...
Right, here goes.
Hold it, hold it!
Hold it like that, get a nice clean cut.
Vyvyan, could I have an anaesthetic?
'Course you can.
Er, no, wait... Mike, is there time for a last cigarette?
I don't see why not. Yeah.
All right.
I've got his leg, here!
Here's Jerzei!
- It's Balowski! - How did he get in?
- You could eat him. - Little pigs! Little pigs! Let me in!
# Boys and girls come out to play on the busy motorway! #
Let me in! Jerzei wants to play hospitals!
Oh, God, he's turned into a homicidal axe-wielding maniac!
Out of the frying pan, into another frying pan!
- Except this time it's hotter, of course... - Shut up, Neil, shut up!
Shut up! Shut!
There's no one in here, we're all holograms!
What'll we do?
Well, we're halfway through the show and...it's time for Halftime Report.
I think the show's been going particularly well.
I like the way Rick has been running off the joke into the dead laugh area.
Going into the international sphere, they're going to face stiff competition.
Especially from the Swedish comedy series
''Oh, Where's my Volvo?''
and from the French with their comedy series,
''Mr Poo-Poo Goes to the Lavatory''.
- Anyway... - (MAN) That's enough.
Sorry, Paul. Halftime's over and it's back to the action.
AAAAGH! AAAAAAH!
Let me in, boys! Jerzei wants to finger your entrails!
I know! Put Neil's speaker in front of the door!
- I don't wanna go in front of the door! - No! Jimi Hendrix once pissed on that!
Help! Help! Help!
Yes! Yes!
- Bite his fingers, Neil! - But I'm a vegetarian!
Well, keep him occupied while we escape.
Eugh!
(LIONS ROAR...SCREAMING)
All right now?
It's a good job Bobby was here with his man-eating lions.
I'd like to shake his hand.
- Here. - Oh, thanks.
Hey, wow, guys, come and look! The house has grown!
He's wrong, you know! The waters are subsiding.
(VYV) What's that?