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(THEME TUNE)
# Once in every lifetime
# Comes a love like this
# Oh, I need you, you need me
# Oh, my darling, can't you see?
# Young ones
# Darling, we're the young ones
# The young ones
(RICK) # Shouldn't be afraid
# To live, love
# There's a song to be sung
# 'Cause we may not be the young ones very long #
(RINGS)
..which is like going to the toilet without taking your trousers down!
- Anyway, Mary decided... - Wait a minute. Who's Mary?
''Who's Mary?'' I've been talking about her for ten minutes!
- Have you? - Have you been listening to me?
No.
Well, pay attention. Mary, who's that tall girl doing geoggers...
Oh! You mean the one with the enormous tits!
They're minute... Vyvyan, would you stop being so sexist?
They're called breasts, and everybody has them.
- Well, I don't. - Yes, and nor did Adolf Hitler!
I know who you mean. Old ''Yellow Pages''.
Yes, yes. The more politically unsound students call her that, yes.
- Anyway, Mary decided... - Hold it. Hold it.
- What is it now? - Who's getting married?
No. No one's getting married, Michael. I'm talking about Mary.
- Who's Mary? - God!
(PHONE RINGS IN DISTANCE)
I don't see why they call her ''Yellow Pages''.
Look, I'm telling you, because when she gets drunk at parties...
Vyvyan, please! Will you both please try and grow up and pay attention?
It's my story. It's bloody amusing. I don't know why I bother sometimes!
- I don't know why you bother ever. - Right. (SNORTS)
Anyway, Mary didn't go to the party, for the obvious reason...
- Were we invited? - What?
- To the party, the wedding. - No!
(PHONE RINGS)
(BREATHLESS) Guys! Guys!
I've got something amazing to tell you!
- Answer the phone, Neil. - What?
- Answer the phone! - Oh, yeah, right.
(STOPS RINGING)
Oh...floppy disks!
- Anyway, never mind that... - What do you mean, ''never mind''?
That might have been important, Neil. You're a complete teacup, aren't you?
- Mug, Rick. - What? Oh. Damn!
- Anyway, listen, guys... - No, no, Neil. You listen!
I've been waiting here half an hour. Half a bloody hour, Neil,
being hungry, waiting for my tea, and listening to that bogey-bum!
That's my fault, is it? Why didn't you cook your own tea?
Because I do not cook the tea. You do.
That's what we agreed. You cook, I look after the plants and goldfish.
Yeah, and what did you make me cook on that first day?
- Uh...sausages. It was a Tuesday. - Yeah, sausages, and...
Sausages and plants and goldfish.
I've discharged my responsibilities, Neil, now you discharge yours.
- Hey, that sounds dirty, doesn't it? - Shut up, Rick.
- What's this, Neil? - Leftovers.
- Neil, I hate you. - Oh, that's right. Pick on me.
I've already had hassles from a stranger today.
Hey! There's a dead rat in there! Great!
Yeah, this complete stranger came up to me, right, and called me smelly!
This stranger shouted ''smelly'' at me!
I wouldn't mind, but he was 100 yards away.
Come on. You can tell me. Do I smell?
- Yes. - Come on. I can handle it.
Do I sme...? What do you mean, ''yes''?
We mean, ''Yes, you smell.'' Smelly!
- Oh, great. Yeah. - Sit down, Neil.
- Sorry. - Hands up who likes me.
Guys, no wonder Neil's smelly. According to the house list,
the last time we went to the launderette was October 23rd...1981.
- Guys, it's wash day. - But why, Michael?
I myself have three pairs of socks and three pairs of knickers.
That means I've only worn them 269 times each since the last wash.
- I said, hands up, who likes... - Rick! We heard what you said.
There's no avoiding this - not my chopper -
we're going to the launderette.
- Oh, no, please... - Not the launderette...
- Why don't you like me? - Because you're a complete bastard.
- Vyvyan, I'm being serious. - So am I. We all hate you.
I find that rather difficult to believe.
- I'll bet a fiver. - Me, too.
- Count me in, as well. - Uh, yeah, but no... I don't bet.
- Coward! - Yeah. Yellow chicken!
- All right. I'm not scared. - Right. A fiver!
I haven't got any money.
What about that tenner I lent you for your sister's operation?
You haven't got a sister. You're the classic only child.
Are we going to bet or piffle around?
- There's a tenner! - The bet's on!
Right... Hands up who likes me.
Damn! Right. I'm going to kill myself.
- Then you'll be sorry! - No, we won't.
- Anybody want the last chickpea? - I didn't want the first.
I feel sorry for you, you zeroes, you nobodies.
What's going to live on after you die? Nothing, that's what.
(MUTTERS) This is pathetic!
Vyv, Vyv, can you, like, actually kill yourself with laxative pills?
I don't know, Neil, but I'm staying to find out.
I think I'm going up to my room for a bit.
This house will become a shrine! Punks and skins and Rastas
will gather in sorrow for their fallen leader!
The grown-ups will say, ''Why are the kids crying?''
And the kids will say, ''Rick is dead! The People's Poet is dead!''
Then one particularly sensitive, articulate teenager will say,
''Do you understand nothing?
''How can Rick be dead when we have his poems?'' Then another will say...
(ENORMOUS, PROLONGED FART)
Don't look at me. I'm irrelevant.
(SCREECHING)
Oh, no! Oh, wow!
Guys, guys, quickly! One of Vyvyan's socks has escaped!
Amazing!
Absolutely amazing.
Human beings the size of amoebas.
Here's your afternoon tea, Dr Carlisle.
Thank you, Janet.
Oh, Dr Not-The-Nine-O'clock-News is here to see you.
Is he? I'd best conceal this sticky bun
by placing it precariously on the edge of this box.
Show him in.
Prepare yourself, sir.
I have a patient whose deformities are so grotesque
that you will question how the Almighty could suffer such blasphemy.
Calm yourself, Dr Not-The-Nine-O'clock-News,
We are men of science. We fear no worldly terrors.
Pray, remember, sir. He is human! He is...a man!
It's an elephant, Doctor.
You unfeeling bastard, sir!
I'm sorry. I hoped that perhaps he might understand.
I am an elephant, you know?
- Get in the sack, sock! - No way! It stinks!
Vyvyan, if you can't control your socks,
you shan't be allowed to have any!
Aah! Help! I'm being hassled by a killer sock!
(CLANG! CLANG!)
Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill!
Oh, that's nice, coming from a vegetarian!
Socks aren't vegetables, man. They should be wiped out.
Well, I hope you're satisfied, Doctor Neil Goebbels!
It's dead now.
(CLANG!)
Rick, it was a mercy killing.
(WAILS)
Right, we're going to the launderette now.
We can't, Mike. They don't open for eight hours. It's midnight.
Right, that's it. We're going upstairs to bed very fast now.
(COCK CROWS)
Ah, morning! Completely brilliant! Let's go to the launderette.
Oh! Oh!
So, now we've all got to go to the launderette because Vyvyan says so.
It's like Nazi Germany. Neil, I hate you.
Oh, wow! Don't bring me down and hassle me, Rick. I'm really confused.
I'm just not feeling myself today.
Mike, you could do a really good joke about feeling yourself. (SNORTS)
Shut up or I'll kill you.
OK, as the guy said who was getting fed up, I'm getting fed up.
I want to wash my smalls, and I don't mean dip my tiddlies.
Right. And take that stupid, girlie bonnet off!
Right, let's go.
(BOING!)
Cor! That was quick!
Oi!
Come on, guys. The sooner we start, the sooner we finish.
Huh! They said that about the, uh...
something that took a long time to finish.
I hate these places. They're so depressing.
You know, I'd rather go to a lecture than a launderette.
Come on, Vyvyan. Don't exaggerate.
Hey, I know a joke. Pay attention to me.
''I've told you a million times, do not exaggerate!''
Get on with it, Neil.
(MACHINE GROANS AND BELCHES)
- No wayI - Oh, wow!
Technofear! It's happening again! All the machinery's ganging up on me!
- Vyvyan! - Get out of the way, Neil!
Me and machinery have a very special understanding.
Now, then. Don't give me any gyp, you bastard.
Oh, dear.
This calls for a very special blend of psychology and extreme violence.
Oh, la-di-da! Look what I found in my laundry bag.
All of Felicity Kendal's underwear that needs a good wash!
phwoarI
Now!
(MACHINE PROTESTS)
Right, shut the door.
''Make sure that the door is shut.'' We've done that.
''Fill the tray with powder.'' What do they mean?
Gunpowder, curry powder, cocaine? What's on their minds?
Maybe they mean washing powder, Mike.
Um... Maybe all the sludgy bits from other machines will be enough.
Neil, you carry on. ''If you require conditioner...'' Well, do we?
That's just for washing your hair.
No, we don't want to go mad. Right, ''Insert two 50-pence pieces...''
Come on, guys, we shouldn't let this experience bring us down.
I mean, what's so wrong with dirty clothes, anyway?
Yeah. You know what they say: ''Dirty pants, clean botty!''
''Dirty duvet, dirty mind.''
Yeah, my knickers are so old,
it's only the stubborn understains that are holding them together!
Yeah, right on! One thing's for sure, when Lenin led the revolution,
- he didn't have a spotless bot! - Yeah! I like my bottom spotty!
Yeah! Yeah, let's never wash our clothes again!
What do you mean, ''again''?
Yeah, yeah. We could be, like, the dirtiest students in the whole world.
Hey, now there's a challenge!
Oh! Oh, wow!
Yeah! I just remembered what it was I had to tell you!
- Oh, what's the time? - Vyv, here's your chance.
Now see the big hand there? That's on the two, right?
Now, the little hand is just before the twelve.
- Now, what's that one? - Eleven?
Perfectly excellent. So, what's the time?
Uh... Half past five!
We have two minutes to get to the station!
Oh, cock-a-doodle-doo, Neil! What are you talking about?
We've been picked, right, to go on University Challenge tonight!
- To the station! - Music!
# If you like to gamble, I tell you, I'm your man
# You win some, lose some, it's all the same to me
# The pleasure is to play, makes no difference what you say
# I don't share your greed, the only card I need
# The ace of spades, the ace of spades
# Going for the high one, dicing with the devil
# Going with the flow, it's all a game to me
# Seven or eleven, snake eyes watchin'you
# Double up or quit, double stakes or split
# The ace of spades, the ace of spades
# You know I'm born to lose, and gambling's for fools
# But that's the way I like it, baby, I don't wanna live forever
# And don't forget the joker
# pushing up the ante, I know you wanna see me
# Read 'em and weep, the dead man's hand again
# I see it in your eyes, take one look and die
# The only thing you see, you know it's gonna be
# The ace of spades, the ace of spades #
I wish we'd missed the train after all now.
I won't be able to answer anything.
Oh, come off it, Neil, you little swotty-pants.
Just look at you, swotting away for teacher like a total spazmo.
You're just an utter creep, really, aren't you?
You've done loads of work. I haven't done anything. Go on. Test me.
- What? - Test me.
- You said you hadn't done anything. - Just take the book.
OK, but verbatim regurgitation's against my principles.
I'm not asking you to throw up on it!
(SNORTS) Right, do it properly and don't skip bits.
- ''O-Level History Notes''? - Yes, bloody brilliant luck, eh?
We're doing exactly the same period as I did for O-Level.
''Prick is a wonker. Signed, the rest of the class.''
Oh, yes... (LAUGHS)
Yes, that was an ''in joke'' that we had.
Actually, everyone thought I was great.
''I agree. Signed, Teacher.''
Just test me on the stuff, will you? There.
All right, all right. Don't get uncool and heavy.
OK. Crop rotation in the 14th century.
''Crop rotation in the 14th century was much more widespread...''
- ''Considerably more.'' - What?
It's ''considerably more widespread'', not ''much more''.
- Well? - You said do it properly.
Not that much, you stupid hippie!
You said don't skip bits. How was I to know that wasn't important?
Well, it wasn't important, all right?
Shall we get on and stop wasting time like this? Right.
''Crop rotation in the 14th century was CONSIDERABLY more widespread...
''after...'' God, I know this. Um...
Don't tell me... ''After 1172.''
- Well? - I didn't think it was important.
- What was it? - You said don't tell you.
- I bloody well did not! - You said, ''Don't tell me.''
- Only for a minute! - A minute from when?
- Shut up and tell me the answer! - Shut up AND tell you the answer?
Just tell me the answer!
- ''John.'' - Thank you.
- ''John''? - Yeah, ''John'' is the answer.
''Crop rotation in the 14th century was considerably more widespread
''after John?''
''..Lloyd invented the patent crop rotator.''
Yes! I bloody knew it!
You said ''1172''! That's not a bit like ''John''.
You spiteful bastard, Neil!
Just because you've done loads of work for this, just like a girl,
and I'm so hard and cool that I've done bugger all,
and you've done loads... Look at it! Loads!
- Stop it! - Loads and loads!
- Stop it!
It's only University Challenge, Rick. It's only University Challenge!
There you are, Rick. That's five quid.
- Five pounds for an empty cup? - It had sugar in it.
- Who are we playing? - Footlights College, Oxbridge.
- It's going to be really heavy. - Well, I've done my revision.
''The Daily Mirror Book of Facts.''
Do you think that's where they get the questions from?
''The world record for stuffing marshmallows up one single nostril.''
- Um, 604, Toxteth O'Grady, U.S.A. - Yeah, right!
- ''The world's stickiest bogey.'' - Trying to fool me. Toxteth again.
''The world's stupidest bottom-burp. Vyvyan, Britain.''
- It says ''Rick'' here. - Give me that!
See, I've done my revision. I'm going to stuff paper down the toilet.
I've often wondered who did that.
''Do not lean out of the window''. I wonder why?
(SCREAMS)
Oh, good heavens! What now?
Somebody pulled the communication cord.
Not me, matey. If British Rail want £50,
they can become a prostitute...
which they virtually are, anyway, right, commuters?
We'll never get there on time now.
Relax. Bambi's a personal friend. I introduced him to Walt Disney.
Over here! Over here! Hurry up about it, will you?
You took your time, you bastard!
Come on! Get the thing started! God, what's the excuse this time?
I suppose they've been held up by Mexican bandits.
That's a Zapata moustache. He was Mexican.
Funny, Zapata. He starts out as a revolutionary,
and ends up as a moustache.
Che Guevara, South American revolutionary, ends up as a boutique.
Garibaldi, Italian revolutionary, ends up as a biscuit.
It's quite interesting, the number of biscuits named after revolutionaries.
You've got your Garibaldi, your Bourbon,
then you've got your Peek Freans Trotsky Assortment.
# Revolutionary biscuits of Italy
# Rise up out of your box
# You have nothing to lose but your wafers
# Yum yum yum yum yumI #
I never really wanted to be a train driver.
They told me if I got two CSEs, I'd be head of British Steel.
That's a load of nonsense. Look at statistics, right.
83% of top British management have been to public school and Oxbridge.
93% of the BBC have been to public school and Oxbridge.
98% of the KGB have been to public school and Oxbridge.
All you get from public school... One, a top job,
and two, you get an interest in perverse sexual practices.
That's why British management's so inefficient.
They're all shutting each other's dicks in the door!
''Go on, give it another slam, Sir Michael!'' Ow!
''Come on, Sir Geoffrey, let's play Panzer commander and the milkmaid.''
(CHANTING) Rah! Rah! Rah! We're going to smash the oiks!
(ALL SQUEAL WITH LAUGHTER)
You know, it's a rotten shame. I saw the careers officer yesterday.
All he'd got was chairman of British Rail!
I want to be Director-General of the BBC.
They gave it to Scapper, just because he directed our world tour of ''Hamlet''
and wrote our hilarious revue, ''What-ho, Darkie''.
Honestly! Chairman of a nationalized industry.
I'd rather be a cabinet minister!
Well, Daddy bought me the Socialist Workers' Party for my birthday!
(ALL CHEER)
At least we're going to smash the oiks at University Challenge.
There's just time before my balls drop.
(ALL) Rah! Rah! Rah!
God! If you hadn't pulled that cord, that man wouldn't have thrown us off.
He threw us off because you said ASLEF was an anagram for ''total bastard''.
Which apart from everything else, it isn't, even.
Shut up! If you hadn't been born, there'd only be three of us,
which isn't enough to enter, so it's your fault.
- Bambi won't wait. - Relax, he's a personal friend.
- I got him the Babycham commercial. - Really? Wow!
Do they really make it out of babies?
Bloody hell! It must be 200 miles and we'll have to walk the whole way!
What are you talking about? I'm the greatest hitchhiker in the galaxy.
See, told you so.
Evening, Officer. University Challenge, Scumbag College.
Here, hang on. You should have been here two weeks ago.
- We walked 200 miles. - Didn't you get our message?
- Neil, why didn't you phone? - We did get a message, yes.
''Beep. Beep. Beep. Oh, no, heavy. The coins keep coming out.
''Beep. Beep. Beep. Even the telephone hates me.
''Beep. Beep. Beep. I wish there were no machines
''and everyone led a pastoral existence.
''Trees and flowers don't deliberately beep in your ear.''
- That's it. Didn't you get it? - Yeah, on the 24th.
- Hang on. What's that? - My mascot!
- A pig? - No.
- It is. - No, it's a ferret.
A deformed ferret, I'll grant you that.
So deformed that it looks like a pig.
- Exactly like a pig. - Well, it has been remarked upon.
In fact, just as John Hurt is known as the Elephant Man,
Bacon Sandwich here is known as the Pig Ferret.
Bacon Sandwich? Funny name for a ferret, isn't it?
A-ha! Had you fooled. It's not a ferret, it's a pig.
- Brilliant, Vyvyan. - Well done. You got him there.
Had enough, Nazi, or do you want some more?
- Good morning, Mr. Gascoigne. - Scumbag College?
- So, you finally made it. - Bambi, Bambi, my main man!
Good to see you. You've lost a lot of fur. You're walking on two legs,
- but the same Bambi! - (NEIL SOBS)
- Shut up. What's the matter? - I'm sorry, everybody. Sorry, Bambi.
I remember when you got lost and the rabbit found you. It was beautiful.
Yeah, and when you shoved the drill in the otter's face.
- That wasn't in ''Bambi''! - It was in the sequel,
''Bambi Goes Crazy Ape Bonkers With His Drill And Sex''.
Is that true, Bambi? Did you do a Disney nasty?
So what if I did? I'm not apologizing.
My life collapsed after ''Bambi''.
I was a lovable faun, unusable for anything else.
I took the Babycham stuff, sure, thanks to Mike, but I was finished.
With the porn ''Bambi'', I thought I'd get something back.
If it hadn't been for University Challenge,
I'd be giving executive relief to woodland creatures today.
- Are you going to let us win? - The posh kids win. They always do.
(THEME TUNE)
Hello, and welcome to University Challenge.
This week, the teams represent Footlights College, Oxbridge...
(ALL) Rah! Rah! Rah! We're going to smash the oiks!
Yes, that's the spirit. And Scumbag College.
Oh, aye! Up Scumbag! Up Scumbag!
(BOOING)
See you, teddy bear. Come 'ere!
Yes, well... Representing Footlights, we have Lord Monty...
- Hello. - Lord Snot...
Miss Money-Sterling...
- and Mr. Kendal Mintcake. - Hi.
And representing Scumbag, we have Mike...
- Hello. - Prick, Vyvyan...
- and Neil. - Vegetable rights and peace.
So, your starter for ten, no conferring.
Born in 1311 of Manchurian stock, he came to...
(ANNOUNCER) Scumbag, Neil.
Uh... Can I go to the toilet, please?
No, you're barking up the wrong tree there.
Five-point penalty to Scumbag. Full question to Footlights.
He represented the modal cathartic slipweight of the...
- (ANNOUNCER) Footlights, Monty. - Wasn't it...Monk D'Wally de Honk?
- Almost. Can you give me any more? - Will £50 do?
Absolutely spot on.
Well done, Footlights. 10 points and three bonus questions to you.
- ''What was the name...'' - Battle of Bannockburn!
Yes, that's very well anticipated. Battle of Bannockburn it is.
Buzz, buzz... Uh...
Uh... Uh... Look...
sorry to hassle you, Bambi, but I really need the toilet badly.
Yes, well, Footlights lead by 15 points, but it's early days yet...
Oh, no. I'll have to wee on Lord Snot's head.
Who said, ''Lawks-a-lordy, my bottom's on fire''?
- Lenin! - I'll accept that,
although the exact answer is Joan of Arc.
Five points. And what is the chemical equation...
I've got a Porsche.
That's not what's on the card,
but I knew your father, so Footlights lead.
Daddy sends hugs.
So, starters for ten. Who is the richest person in the world?
- (ANNOUNCER) Scumbag, Vyvyan. - What?
We're getting thrashed. We're getting completely thrashed!
- Isn't there some way we can cheat? - Guys, it's beginning to seep out.
It's very simple, Neil. Use the jug!
I must hurry you. Who is the richest person in the world?
- (ANNOUNCER) Footlights, Snot. - It's me, isn't it?
No, your father's multi-national collapsed only this morning.
Oh, damn.
So, with the score still standing at 25 to nothing...
I'm completely bloody sick of this!
Give us some easy ones, Bambi, you big bottom-boil!
Relax, we can handle this. Vyvyan.
- Achtung! - It's not an automatic...
- OK, let's hear another. - Starter for ten.
What is the record for marshmallows stuffed up one nostril?
- (ANNOUNCER) Scumbag, Mike. - 604, Toxteth O'Grady, U.S.A.
I told you that, Mike, you bloody cheat!
Ten points, Scumbag. Who produced the world's stickiest bogey?
- Toxteth O'Grady. - Correct, five points.
- You bum-bag! - The world's stupidest bottom-burp?
Rick, Britain!
- Correct, five points. - It is not!
Finally, for five bonus points, to take you into the lead...
- Who's tampered with my questions? - It was me! It was me! Damn, damn!
(BOOING AND HISSING)
(SPLAT!)
This bun's covered with human beings the size of amoebas.
Here, Jumbo, get that down your oesophagus.
There. Anyway, as I was saying, I've rather an interesting theory.
Have you tried this new high-fibre diet?
(ELEPHANT) Yes, I tried that.
I lost a ton, but I put it straight back on again.
I understand that many men must have asked of you
that which you weren't prepared to give,
but I pledge you my word as a gentleman
that I would never take what you didn't offer freely,
nor enter where asked to remain outside.
I was thinking. You should dye your hair a wee bit.
You know, nice little black hairs. You've got... Yes, I quite agree!