0 00:00:00,105 --> 00:00:01,500 Shared by http://DJJ.HOME.SAPO.PT/ 1 00:00:01,567 --> 00:00:02,841 (THEME TUNE) 2 00:00:03,007 --> 00:00:05,396 # Once in every lifetime 3 00:00:05,567 --> 00:00:08,127 # Comes a love like this 4 00:00:08,287 --> 00:00:10,642 # Oh, I need you, you need me 5 00:00:10,807 --> 00:00:13,082 # Oh, my darling, can't you see? 6 00:00:13,247 --> 00:00:15,238 # Young ones 7 00:00:15,407 --> 00:00:18,285 # Darling, we're the young ones 8 00:00:18,447 --> 00:00:20,642 # The young ones 9 00:00:20,807 --> 00:00:23,640 (RICK) # Shouldn't be afraid 10 00:00:23,807 --> 00:00:27,004 # To live, love 11 00:00:27,167 --> 00:00:28,998 # There's a song to be sung 12 00:00:29,167 --> 00:00:33,445 # 'Cause we may not be the young ones very long # 13 00:00:35,967 --> 00:00:37,286 (RINGS) 14 00:00:37,447 --> 00:00:41,679 ..which is like going to the toilet without taking your trousers down! 15 00:00:41,847 --> 00:00:47,763 - Anyway, Mary decided... - Wait a minute. Who's Mary? 16 00:00:49,047 --> 00:00:52,722 ''Who's Mary?'' I've been talking about her for ten minutes! 17 00:00:52,887 --> 00:00:56,766 - Have you? - Have you been listening to me? 18 00:00:56,927 --> 00:00:58,326 No. 19 00:00:59,367 --> 00:01:03,155 Well, pay attention. Mary, who's that tall girl doing geoggers... 20 00:01:03,327 --> 00:01:07,718 Oh! You mean the one with the enormous tits! 21 00:01:07,887 --> 00:01:11,197 They're minute... Vyvyan, would you stop being so sexist? 22 00:01:11,367 --> 00:01:14,245 They're called breasts, and everybody has them. 23 00:01:14,407 --> 00:01:18,878 - Well, I don't. - Yes, and nor did Adolf Hitler! 24 00:01:21,767 --> 00:01:24,281 I know who you mean. Old ''Yellow Pages''. 25 00:01:24,447 --> 00:01:29,567 Yes, yes. The more politically unsound students call her that, yes. 26 00:01:29,727 --> 00:01:33,242 - Anyway, Mary decided... - Hold it. Hold it. 27 00:01:33,407 --> 00:01:36,240 - What is it now? - Who's getting married? 28 00:01:37,327 --> 00:01:42,037 No. No one's getting married, Michael. I'm talking about Mary. 29 00:01:43,487 --> 00:01:45,398 - Who's Mary? - God! 30 00:01:50,727 --> 00:01:53,161 (PHONE RINGS IN DISTANCE) 31 00:01:58,487 --> 00:02:01,285 I don't see why they call her ''Yellow Pages''. 32 00:02:01,447 --> 00:02:05,679 Look, I'm telling you, because when she gets drunk at parties... 33 00:02:05,847 --> 00:02:11,524 Vyvyan, please! Will you both please try and grow up and pay attention? 34 00:02:11,687 --> 00:02:16,681 It's my story. It's bloody amusing. I don't know why I bother sometimes! 35 00:02:16,847 --> 00:02:21,204 - I don't know why you bother ever. - Right. (SNORTS) 36 00:02:22,167 --> 00:02:27,605 Anyway, Mary didn't go to the party, for the obvious reason... 37 00:02:27,767 --> 00:02:29,962 - Were we invited? - What? 38 00:02:30,127 --> 00:02:34,006 - To the party, the wedding. - No! 39 00:02:34,727 --> 00:02:36,445 (PHONE RINGS) 40 00:02:44,567 --> 00:02:48,116 (BREATHLESS) Guys! Guys! 41 00:02:48,287 --> 00:02:51,120 I've got something amazing to tell you! 42 00:02:51,287 --> 00:02:54,245 - Answer the phone, Neil. - What? 43 00:02:54,407 --> 00:02:58,036 - Answer the phone! - Oh, yeah, right. 44 00:02:59,647 --> 00:03:01,558 (STOPS RINGING) 45 00:03:01,727 --> 00:03:05,003 Oh...floppy disks! 46 00:03:05,167 --> 00:03:08,921 - Anyway, never mind that... - What do you mean, ''never mind''? 47 00:03:09,087 --> 00:03:13,080 That might have been important, Neil. You're a complete teacup, aren't you? 48 00:03:13,247 --> 00:03:16,000 - Mug, Rick. - What? Oh. Damn! 49 00:03:16,167 --> 00:03:19,523 - Anyway, listen, guys... - No, no, Neil. You listen! 50 00:03:19,687 --> 00:03:24,044 I've been waiting here half an hour. Half a bloody hour, Neil, 51 00:03:24,207 --> 00:03:29,406 being hungry, waiting for my tea, and listening to that bogey-bum! 52 00:03:29,567 --> 00:03:34,641 That's my fault, is it? Why didn't you cook your own tea? 53 00:03:34,807 --> 00:03:38,561 Because I do not cook the tea. You do. 54 00:03:40,287 --> 00:03:45,839 That's what we agreed. You cook, I look after the plants and goldfish. 55 00:03:46,007 --> 00:03:49,841 Yeah, and what did you make me cook on that first day? 56 00:03:50,007 --> 00:03:54,683 - Uh...sausages. It was a Tuesday. - Yeah, sausages, and... 57 00:03:54,847 --> 00:03:58,556 Sausages and plants and goldfish. 58 00:03:58,727 --> 00:04:02,561 I've discharged my responsibilities, Neil, now you discharge yours. 59 00:04:02,727 --> 00:04:06,879 - Hey, that sounds dirty, doesn't it? - Shut up, Rick. 60 00:04:12,087 --> 00:04:14,601 - What's this, Neil? - Leftovers. 61 00:04:14,767 --> 00:04:19,124 - Neil, I hate you. - Oh, that's right. Pick on me. 62 00:04:19,287 --> 00:04:22,723 I've already had hassles from a stranger today. 63 00:04:22,887 --> 00:04:26,562 Hey! There's a dead rat in there! Great! 64 00:04:29,087 --> 00:04:33,444 Yeah, this complete stranger came up to me, right, and called me smelly! 65 00:04:33,607 --> 00:04:35,563 This stranger shouted ''smelly'' at me! 66 00:04:35,727 --> 00:04:39,117 I wouldn't mind, but he was 100 yards away. 67 00:04:39,287 --> 00:04:42,518 Come on. You can tell me. Do I smell? 68 00:04:42,687 --> 00:04:45,724 - Yes. - Come on. I can handle it. 69 00:04:45,887 --> 00:04:48,560 Do I sme...? What do you mean, ''yes''? 70 00:04:48,727 --> 00:04:52,163 We mean, ''Yes, you smell.'' Smelly! 71 00:04:52,327 --> 00:04:55,285 - Oh, great. Yeah. - Sit down, Neil. 72 00:04:58,607 --> 00:05:02,964 - Sorry. - Hands up who likes me. 73 00:05:03,807 --> 00:05:08,483 Guys, no wonder Neil's smelly. According to the house list, 74 00:05:08,647 --> 00:05:13,880 the last time we went to the launderette was October 23rd...1981. 75 00:05:15,007 --> 00:05:18,204 - Guys, it's wash day. - But why, Michael? 76 00:05:18,367 --> 00:05:23,043 I myself have three pairs of socks and three pairs of knickers. 77 00:05:23,207 --> 00:05:28,918 That means I've only worn them 269 times each since the last wash. 78 00:05:29,647 --> 00:05:34,482 - I said, hands up, who likes... - Rick! We heard what you said. 79 00:05:34,647 --> 00:05:38,037 There's no avoiding this - not my chopper - 80 00:05:38,207 --> 00:05:40,084 we're going to the launderette. 81 00:05:40,247 --> 00:05:43,842 - Oh, no, please... - Not the launderette... 82 00:05:45,927 --> 00:05:49,283 - Why don't you like me? - Because you're a complete bastard. 83 00:05:50,607 --> 00:05:55,317 - Vyvyan, I'm being serious. - So am I. We all hate you. 84 00:05:56,247 --> 00:05:58,761 I find that rather difficult to believe. 85 00:05:59,567 --> 00:06:02,240 - I'll bet a fiver. - Me, too. 86 00:06:02,407 --> 00:06:07,356 - Count me in, as well. - Uh, yeah, but no... I don't bet. 87 00:06:07,527 --> 00:06:09,597 - Coward! - Yeah. Yellow chicken! 88 00:06:09,767 --> 00:06:13,965 - All right. I'm not scared. - Right. A fiver! 89 00:06:14,127 --> 00:06:16,118 I haven't got any money. 90 00:06:16,287 --> 00:06:20,121 What about that tenner I lent you for your sister's operation? 91 00:06:21,327 --> 00:06:25,525 You haven't got a sister. You're the classic only child. 92 00:06:26,567 --> 00:06:28,876 Are we going to bet or piffle around? 93 00:06:29,047 --> 00:06:31,515 - There's a tenner! - The bet's on! 94 00:06:34,087 --> 00:06:36,317 Right... Hands up who likes me. 95 00:06:39,207 --> 00:06:41,721 Damn! Right. I'm going to kill myself. 96 00:06:41,887 --> 00:06:45,084 - Then you'll be sorry! - No, we won't. 97 00:06:45,247 --> 00:06:48,842 - Anybody want the last chickpea? - I didn't want the first. 98 00:06:49,007 --> 00:06:52,044 I feel sorry for you, you zeroes, you nobodies. 99 00:06:52,207 --> 00:06:55,756 What's going to live on after you die? Nothing, that's what. 100 00:06:55,927 --> 00:06:57,883 (MUTTERS) This is pathetic! 101 00:07:04,567 --> 00:07:10,722 Vyv, Vyv, can you, like, actually kill yourself with laxative pills? 102 00:07:13,407 --> 00:07:16,877 I don't know, Neil, but I'm staying to find out. 103 00:07:17,047 --> 00:07:20,084 I think I'm going up to my room for a bit. 104 00:07:23,047 --> 00:07:27,086 This house will become a shrine! Punks and skins and Rastas 105 00:07:27,247 --> 00:07:30,205 will gather in sorrow for their fallen leader! 106 00:07:30,367 --> 00:07:33,484 The grown-ups will say, ''Why are the kids crying?'' 107 00:07:33,647 --> 00:07:38,846 And the kids will say, ''Rick is dead! The People's Poet is dead!'' 108 00:07:39,007 --> 00:07:42,204 Then one particularly sensitive, articulate teenager will say, 109 00:07:42,367 --> 00:07:44,323 ''Do you understand nothing? 110 00:07:44,487 --> 00:07:48,002 ''How can Rick be dead when we have his poems?'' Then another will say... 111 00:07:48,167 --> 00:07:50,158 (ENORMOUS, PROLONGED FART) 112 00:07:56,887 --> 00:07:59,720 Don't look at me. I'm irrelevant. 113 00:07:59,887 --> 00:08:01,206 (SCREECHING) 114 00:08:01,367 --> 00:08:03,756 Oh, no! Oh, wow! 115 00:08:03,927 --> 00:08:08,523 Guys, guys, quickly! One of Vyvyan's socks has escaped! 116 00:08:11,967 --> 00:08:13,923 Amazing! 117 00:08:14,087 --> 00:08:16,237 Absolutely amazing. 118 00:08:16,407 --> 00:08:19,160 Human beings the size of amoebas. 119 00:08:20,647 --> 00:08:22,956 Here's your afternoon tea, Dr Carlisle. 120 00:08:23,127 --> 00:08:24,879 Thank you, Janet. 121 00:08:25,047 --> 00:08:28,483 Oh, Dr Not-The-Nine-O'clock-News is here to see you. 122 00:08:28,647 --> 00:08:31,525 Is he? I'd best conceal this sticky bun 123 00:08:31,687 --> 00:08:35,157 by placing it precariously on the edge of this box. 124 00:08:36,567 --> 00:08:37,886 Show him in. 125 00:08:41,807 --> 00:08:43,684 Prepare yourself, sir. 126 00:08:43,847 --> 00:08:47,157 I have a patient whose deformities are so grotesque 127 00:08:47,327 --> 00:08:51,115 that you will question how the Almighty could suffer such blasphemy. 128 00:08:51,287 --> 00:08:53,676 Calm yourself, Dr Not-The-Nine-O'clock-News, 129 00:08:53,847 --> 00:08:57,157 We are men of science. We fear no worldly terrors. 130 00:08:57,327 --> 00:09:02,276 Pray, remember, sir. He is human! He is...a man! 131 00:09:07,087 --> 00:09:08,884 It's an elephant, Doctor. 132 00:09:09,047 --> 00:09:11,038 You unfeeling bastard, sir! 133 00:09:11,207 --> 00:09:15,837 I'm sorry. I hoped that perhaps he might understand. 134 00:09:16,007 --> 00:09:18,999 I am an elephant, you know? 135 00:09:19,167 --> 00:09:23,160 - Get in the sack, sock! - No way! It stinks! 136 00:09:23,327 --> 00:09:26,046 Vyvyan, if you can't control your socks, 137 00:09:26,207 --> 00:09:28,357 you shan't be allowed to have any! 138 00:09:28,527 --> 00:09:31,803 Aah! Help! I'm being hassled by a killer sock! 139 00:09:31,967 --> 00:09:34,242 (CLANG! CLANG!) 140 00:09:35,327 --> 00:09:40,082 Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill! 141 00:09:40,247 --> 00:09:43,000 Oh, that's nice, coming from a vegetarian! 142 00:09:43,167 --> 00:09:46,318 Socks aren't vegetables, man. They should be wiped out. 143 00:09:46,487 --> 00:09:50,116 Well, I hope you're satisfied, Doctor Neil Goebbels! 144 00:09:50,287 --> 00:09:52,243 It's dead now. 145 00:09:52,407 --> 00:09:53,965 (CLANG!) 146 00:09:54,127 --> 00:09:56,163 Rick, it was a mercy killing. 147 00:09:56,327 --> 00:09:58,318 (WAILS) 148 00:09:58,487 --> 00:10:00,876 Right, we're going to the launderette now. 149 00:10:01,047 --> 00:10:05,518 We can't, Mike. They don't open for eight hours. It's midnight. 150 00:10:05,687 --> 00:10:09,282 Right, that's it. We're going upstairs to bed very fast now. 151 00:10:17,047 --> 00:10:19,163 (COCK CROWS) 152 00:10:23,647 --> 00:10:28,163 Ah, morning! Completely brilliant! Let's go to the launderette. 153 00:10:28,327 --> 00:10:29,726 Oh! Oh! 154 00:10:29,887 --> 00:10:34,836 So, now we've all got to go to the launderette because Vyvyan says so. 155 00:10:35,007 --> 00:10:38,716 It's like Nazi Germany. Neil, I hate you. 156 00:10:38,887 --> 00:10:43,483 Oh, wow! Don't bring me down and hassle me, Rick. I'm really confused. 157 00:10:43,647 --> 00:10:46,445 I'm just not feeling myself today. 158 00:10:46,607 --> 00:10:51,965 Mike, you could do a really good joke about feeling yourself. (SNORTS) 159 00:10:52,127 --> 00:10:54,880 Shut up or I'll kill you. 160 00:10:55,047 --> 00:11:00,246 OK, as the guy said who was getting fed up, I'm getting fed up. 161 00:11:00,407 --> 00:11:05,083 I want to wash my smalls, and I don't mean dip my tiddlies. 162 00:11:05,247 --> 00:11:09,240 Right. And take that stupid, girlie bonnet off! 163 00:11:12,047 --> 00:11:14,322 Right, let's go. 164 00:11:14,487 --> 00:11:16,364 (BOING!) 165 00:11:16,527 --> 00:11:18,995 Cor! That was quick! 166 00:11:28,407 --> 00:11:29,965 Oi! 167 00:11:40,767 --> 00:11:44,919 Come on, guys. The sooner we start, the sooner we finish. 168 00:11:45,087 --> 00:11:48,045 Huh! They said that about the, uh... 169 00:11:48,207 --> 00:11:51,119 something that took a long time to finish. 170 00:11:51,287 --> 00:11:54,643 I hate these places. They're so depressing. 171 00:11:54,807 --> 00:11:58,402 You know, I'd rather go to a lecture than a launderette. 172 00:11:58,567 --> 00:12:01,320 Come on, Vyvyan. Don't exaggerate. 173 00:12:01,487 --> 00:12:04,684 Hey, I know a joke. Pay attention to me. 174 00:12:04,847 --> 00:12:08,886 ''I've told you a million times, do not exaggerate!'' 175 00:12:12,047 --> 00:12:14,277 Get on with it, Neil. 176 00:12:14,447 --> 00:12:16,324 (MACHINE GROANS AND BELCHES) 177 00:12:16,487 --> 00:12:19,399 - No wayI - Oh, wow! 178 00:12:19,567 --> 00:12:23,526 Technofear! It's happening again! All the machinery's ganging up on me! 179 00:12:23,687 --> 00:12:27,157 - Vyvyan! - Get out of the way, Neil! 180 00:12:27,327 --> 00:12:30,444 Me and machinery have a very special understanding. 181 00:12:30,607 --> 00:12:33,201 Now, then. Don't give me any gyp, you bastard. 182 00:12:37,207 --> 00:12:39,482 Oh, dear. 183 00:12:39,647 --> 00:12:46,086 This calls for a very special blend of psychology and extreme violence. 184 00:12:48,047 --> 00:12:51,676 Oh, la-di-da! Look what I found in my laundry bag. 185 00:12:51,847 --> 00:12:56,762 All of Felicity Kendal's underwear that needs a good wash! 186 00:12:56,927 --> 00:12:58,246 phwoarI 187 00:12:59,887 --> 00:13:01,639 Now! 188 00:13:03,007 --> 00:13:05,475 (MACHINE PROTESTS) 189 00:13:08,447 --> 00:13:10,642 Right, shut the door. 190 00:13:10,807 --> 00:13:14,595 ''Make sure that the door is shut.'' We've done that. 191 00:13:14,767 --> 00:13:18,396 ''Fill the tray with powder.'' What do they mean? 192 00:13:18,567 --> 00:13:22,276 Gunpowder, curry powder, cocaine? What's on their minds? 193 00:13:22,447 --> 00:13:24,642 Maybe they mean washing powder, Mike. 194 00:13:24,807 --> 00:13:29,517 Um... Maybe all the sludgy bits from other machines will be enough. 195 00:13:29,687 --> 00:13:34,363 Neil, you carry on. ''If you require conditioner...'' Well, do we? 196 00:13:34,527 --> 00:13:36,722 That's just for washing your hair. 197 00:13:36,887 --> 00:13:41,358 No, we don't want to go mad. Right, ''Insert two 50-pence pieces...'' 198 00:13:45,167 --> 00:13:49,479 Come on, guys, we shouldn't let this experience bring us down. 199 00:13:50,607 --> 00:13:53,883 I mean, what's so wrong with dirty clothes, anyway? 200 00:13:54,047 --> 00:13:58,245 Yeah. You know what they say: ''Dirty pants, clean botty!'' 201 00:14:01,127 --> 00:14:03,118 ''Dirty duvet, dirty mind.'' 202 00:14:03,287 --> 00:14:05,403 Yeah, my knickers are so old, 203 00:14:05,567 --> 00:14:08,206 it's only the stubborn understains that are holding them together! 204 00:14:10,007 --> 00:14:14,478 Yeah, right on! One thing's for sure, when Lenin led the revolution, 205 00:14:14,647 --> 00:14:20,358 - he didn't have a spotless bot! - Yeah! I like my bottom spotty! 206 00:14:20,527 --> 00:14:24,566 Yeah! Yeah, let's never wash our clothes again! 207 00:14:24,727 --> 00:14:27,161 What do you mean, ''again''? 208 00:14:27,327 --> 00:14:31,843 Yeah, yeah. We could be, like, the dirtiest students in the whole world. 209 00:14:32,007 --> 00:14:34,521 Hey, now there's a challenge! 210 00:14:34,687 --> 00:14:37,724 Oh! Oh, wow! 211 00:14:37,887 --> 00:14:41,596 Yeah! I just remembered what it was I had to tell you! 212 00:14:42,687 --> 00:14:46,077 - Oh, what's the time? - Vyv, here's your chance. 213 00:14:46,247 --> 00:14:50,286 Now see the big hand there? That's on the two, right? 214 00:14:50,447 --> 00:14:53,837 Now, the little hand is just before the twelve. 215 00:14:54,007 --> 00:14:56,805 - Now, what's that one? - Eleven? 216 00:14:56,967 --> 00:14:59,435 Perfectly excellent. So, what's the time? 217 00:14:59,607 --> 00:15:02,917 Uh... Half past five! 218 00:15:03,087 --> 00:15:06,363 We have two minutes to get to the station! 219 00:15:06,527 --> 00:15:10,566 Oh, cock-a-doodle-doo, Neil! What are you talking about? 220 00:15:10,727 --> 00:15:15,596 We've been picked, right, to go on University Challenge tonight! 221 00:15:17,527 --> 00:15:19,961 - To the station! - Music! 222 00:15:33,167 --> 00:15:36,159 # If you like to gamble, I tell you, I'm your man 223 00:15:36,327 --> 00:15:40,115 # You win some, lose some, it's all the same to me 224 00:15:46,967 --> 00:15:50,562 # The pleasure is to play, makes no difference what you say 225 00:15:53,967 --> 00:15:57,243 # I don't share your greed, the only card I need 226 00:15:57,407 --> 00:16:00,797 # The ace of spades, the ace of spades 227 00:16:04,327 --> 00:16:07,842 # Going for the high one, dicing with the devil 228 00:16:08,007 --> 00:16:11,602 # Going with the flow, it's all a game to me 229 00:16:18,607 --> 00:16:22,077 # Seven or eleven, snake eyes watchin'you 230 00:16:25,767 --> 00:16:28,839 # Double up or quit, double stakes or split 231 00:16:29,007 --> 00:16:32,602 # The ace of spades, the ace of spades 232 00:16:39,487 --> 00:16:42,718 # You know I'm born to lose, and gambling's for fools 233 00:16:42,887 --> 00:16:46,641 # But that's the way I like it, baby, I don't wanna live forever 234 00:16:51,527 --> 00:16:53,882 # And don't forget the joker 235 00:17:20,767 --> 00:17:24,396 # pushing up the ante, I know you wanna see me 236 00:17:24,567 --> 00:17:28,003 # Read 'em and weep, the dead man's hand again 237 00:17:34,807 --> 00:17:38,516 # I see it in your eyes, take one look and die 238 00:17:41,807 --> 00:17:45,163 # The only thing you see, you know it's gonna be 239 00:17:45,327 --> 00:17:49,115 # The ace of spades, the ace of spades # 240 00:18:06,447 --> 00:18:09,405 I wish we'd missed the train after all now. 241 00:18:09,567 --> 00:18:11,159 I won't be able to answer anything. 242 00:18:13,727 --> 00:18:16,685 Oh, come off it, Neil, you little swotty-pants. 243 00:18:16,847 --> 00:18:22,205 Just look at you, swotting away for teacher like a total spazmo. 244 00:18:22,367 --> 00:18:24,881 You're just an utter creep, really, aren't you? 245 00:18:25,047 --> 00:18:30,280 You've done loads of work. I haven't done anything. Go on. Test me. 246 00:18:30,447 --> 00:18:32,324 - What? - Test me. 247 00:18:32,487 --> 00:18:37,242 - You said you hadn't done anything. - Just take the book. 248 00:18:37,407 --> 00:18:40,922 OK, but verbatim regurgitation's against my principles. 249 00:18:41,087 --> 00:18:44,318 I'm not asking you to throw up on it! 250 00:18:44,487 --> 00:18:46,921 (SNORTS) Right, do it properly and don't skip bits. 251 00:18:47,767 --> 00:18:52,158 - ''O-Level History Notes''? - Yes, bloody brilliant luck, eh? 252 00:18:52,327 --> 00:18:55,046 We're doing exactly the same period as I did for O-Level. 253 00:18:56,807 --> 00:19:00,561 ''Prick is a wonker. Signed, the rest of the class.'' 254 00:19:00,727 --> 00:19:02,922 Oh, yes... (LAUGHS) 255 00:19:03,087 --> 00:19:06,523 Yes, that was an ''in joke'' that we had. 256 00:19:06,687 --> 00:19:09,326 Actually, everyone thought I was great. 257 00:19:09,487 --> 00:19:12,001 ''I agree. Signed, Teacher.'' 258 00:19:12,167 --> 00:19:15,716 Just test me on the stuff, will you? There. 259 00:19:15,887 --> 00:19:20,324 All right, all right. Don't get uncool and heavy. 260 00:19:20,487 --> 00:19:24,366 OK. Crop rotation in the 14th century. 261 00:19:24,527 --> 00:19:27,837 ''Crop rotation in the 14th century was much more widespread...'' 262 00:19:28,007 --> 00:19:30,475 - ''Considerably more.'' - What? 263 00:19:30,647 --> 00:19:33,878 It's ''considerably more widespread'', not ''much more''. 264 00:19:34,047 --> 00:19:36,686 - Well? - You said do it properly. 265 00:19:36,847 --> 00:19:38,997 Not that much, you stupid hippie! 266 00:19:39,167 --> 00:19:42,443 You said don't skip bits. How was I to know that wasn't important? 267 00:19:42,607 --> 00:19:44,598 Well, it wasn't important, all right? 268 00:19:44,767 --> 00:19:48,840 Shall we get on and stop wasting time like this? Right. 269 00:19:49,007 --> 00:19:54,365 ''Crop rotation in the 14th century was CONSIDERABLY more widespread... 270 00:19:54,527 --> 00:19:58,315 ''after...'' God, I know this. Um... 271 00:19:58,487 --> 00:20:02,241 Don't tell me... ''After 1172.'' 272 00:20:05,727 --> 00:20:09,117 - Well? - I didn't think it was important. 273 00:20:09,287 --> 00:20:12,279 - What was it? - You said don't tell you. 274 00:20:12,447 --> 00:20:17,237 - I bloody well did not! - You said, ''Don't tell me.'' 275 00:20:17,407 --> 00:20:20,285 - Only for a minute! - A minute from when? 276 00:20:20,447 --> 00:20:23,439 - Shut up and tell me the answer! - Shut up AND tell you the answer? 277 00:20:23,607 --> 00:20:25,040 Just tell me the answer! 278 00:20:27,887 --> 00:20:29,923 - ''John.'' - Thank you. 279 00:20:31,327 --> 00:20:34,603 - ''John''? - Yeah, ''John'' is the answer. 280 00:20:34,767 --> 00:20:37,964 ''Crop rotation in the 14th century was considerably more widespread 281 00:20:38,127 --> 00:20:39,446 ''after John?'' 282 00:20:40,247 --> 00:20:42,477 ''..Lloyd invented the patent crop rotator.'' 283 00:20:42,647 --> 00:20:45,002 Yes! I bloody knew it! 284 00:20:45,167 --> 00:20:48,284 You said ''1172''! That's not a bit like ''John''. 285 00:20:48,447 --> 00:20:50,642 You spiteful bastard, Neil! 286 00:20:50,807 --> 00:20:56,677 Just because you've done loads of work for this, just like a girl, 287 00:20:56,847 --> 00:21:00,806 and I'm so hard and cool that I've done bugger all, 288 00:21:00,967 --> 00:21:03,800 and you've done loads... Look at it! Loads! 289 00:21:03,967 --> 00:21:06,435 - Stop it! - Loads and loads! 290 00:21:06,607 --> 00:21:08,882 - Loads and loads! - Stop it! 291 00:21:09,047 --> 00:21:12,756 It's only University Challenge, Rick. It's only University Challenge! 292 00:21:17,967 --> 00:21:20,276 There you are, Rick. That's five quid. 293 00:21:21,727 --> 00:21:26,005 - Five pounds for an empty cup? - It had sugar in it. 294 00:21:30,847 --> 00:21:34,078 - Who are we playing? - Footlights College, Oxbridge. 295 00:21:34,247 --> 00:21:38,798 - It's going to be really heavy. - Well, I've done my revision. 296 00:21:40,927 --> 00:21:43,487 ''The Daily Mirror Book of Facts.'' 297 00:21:43,647 --> 00:21:46,639 Do you think that's where they get the questions from? 298 00:21:47,687 --> 00:21:52,124 ''The world record for stuffing marshmallows up one single nostril.'' 299 00:21:52,287 --> 00:21:57,361 - Um, 604, Toxteth O'Grady, U.S.A. - Yeah, right! 300 00:21:57,527 --> 00:22:02,157 - ''The world's stickiest bogey.'' - Trying to fool me. Toxteth again. 301 00:22:02,327 --> 00:22:06,878 ''The world's stupidest bottom-burp. Vyvyan, Britain.'' 302 00:22:07,047 --> 00:22:09,959 - It says ''Rick'' here. - Give me that! 303 00:22:10,967 --> 00:22:15,882 See, I've done my revision. I'm going to stuff paper down the toilet. 304 00:22:19,127 --> 00:22:20,845 I've often wondered who did that. 305 00:22:21,847 --> 00:22:25,806 ''Do not lean out of the window''. I wonder why? 306 00:22:27,607 --> 00:22:29,279 (SCREAMS) 307 00:22:36,247 --> 00:22:38,203 Oh, good heavens! What now? 308 00:22:39,007 --> 00:22:41,077 Somebody pulled the communication cord. 309 00:22:41,247 --> 00:22:43,966 Not me, matey. If British Rail want £50, 310 00:22:44,127 --> 00:22:46,322 they can become a prostitute... 311 00:22:46,487 --> 00:22:49,638 which they virtually are, anyway, right, commuters? 312 00:22:49,807 --> 00:22:52,037 We'll never get there on time now. 313 00:22:52,207 --> 00:22:56,883 Relax. Bambi's a personal friend. I introduced him to Walt Disney. 314 00:22:58,767 --> 00:23:03,204 Over here! Over here! Hurry up about it, will you? 315 00:23:05,647 --> 00:23:08,445 You took your time, you bastard! 316 00:23:15,647 --> 00:23:21,165 Come on! Get the thing started! God, what's the excuse this time? 317 00:23:21,327 --> 00:23:23,238 I suppose they've been held up by Mexican bandits. 318 00:23:26,407 --> 00:23:29,524 That's a Zapata moustache. He was Mexican. 319 00:23:29,687 --> 00:23:32,565 Funny, Zapata. He starts out as a revolutionary, 320 00:23:32,727 --> 00:23:34,399 and ends up as a moustache. 321 00:23:34,567 --> 00:23:38,879 Che Guevara, South American revolutionary, ends up as a boutique. 322 00:23:39,047 --> 00:23:42,403 Garibaldi, Italian revolutionary, ends up as a biscuit. 323 00:23:42,567 --> 00:23:46,560 It's quite interesting, the number of biscuits named after revolutionaries. 324 00:23:46,727 --> 00:23:49,161 You've got your Garibaldi, your Bourbon, 325 00:23:49,327 --> 00:23:52,160 then you've got your Peek Freans Trotsky Assortment. 326 00:23:52,327 --> 00:23:56,002 # Revolutionary biscuits of Italy 327 00:23:56,167 --> 00:23:58,840 # Rise up out of your box 328 00:23:59,007 --> 00:24:02,920 # You have nothing to lose but your wafers 329 00:24:03,087 --> 00:24:05,920 # Yum yum yum yum yumI # 330 00:24:07,647 --> 00:24:10,400 I never really wanted to be a train driver. 331 00:24:10,567 --> 00:24:15,721 They told me if I got two CSEs, I'd be head of British Steel. 332 00:24:15,887 --> 00:24:19,402 That's a load of nonsense. Look at statistics, right. 333 00:24:19,567 --> 00:24:23,685 83% of top British management have been to public school and Oxbridge. 334 00:24:23,847 --> 00:24:27,681 93% of the BBC have been to public school and Oxbridge. 335 00:24:27,847 --> 00:24:31,726 98% of the KGB have been to public school and Oxbridge. 336 00:24:31,887 --> 00:24:35,243 All you get from public school... One, a top job, 337 00:24:35,407 --> 00:24:39,525 and two, you get an interest in perverse sexual practices. 338 00:24:40,247 --> 00:24:42,203 That's why British management's so inefficient. 339 00:24:42,367 --> 00:24:45,677 They're all shutting each other's dicks in the door! 340 00:24:45,847 --> 00:24:49,442 ''Go on, give it another slam, Sir Michael!'' Ow! 341 00:24:49,607 --> 00:24:54,681 ''Come on, Sir Geoffrey, let's play Panzer commander and the milkmaid.'' 342 00:24:59,407 --> 00:25:01,921 (CHANTING) Rah! Rah! Rah! We're going to smash the oiks! 343 00:25:02,087 --> 00:25:03,918 (ALL SQUEAL WITH LAUGHTER) 344 00:25:04,087 --> 00:25:08,319 You know, it's a rotten shame. I saw the careers officer yesterday. 345 00:25:08,487 --> 00:25:12,036 All he'd got was chairman of British Rail! 346 00:25:12,207 --> 00:25:15,165 I want to be Director-General of the BBC. 347 00:25:15,327 --> 00:25:18,922 They gave it to Scapper, just because he directed our world tour of ''Hamlet'' 348 00:25:19,087 --> 00:25:22,284 and wrote our hilarious revue, ''What-ho, Darkie''. 349 00:25:22,447 --> 00:25:24,597 Honestly! Chairman of a nationalized industry. 350 00:25:24,767 --> 00:25:26,883 I'd rather be a cabinet minister! 351 00:25:27,047 --> 00:25:31,040 Well, Daddy bought me the Socialist Workers' Party for my birthday! 352 00:25:31,207 --> 00:25:33,004 (ALL CHEER) 353 00:25:33,167 --> 00:25:37,046 At least we're going to smash the oiks at University Challenge. 354 00:25:37,207 --> 00:25:39,243 There's just time before my balls drop. 355 00:25:39,407 --> 00:25:40,726 (ALL) Rah! Rah! Rah! 356 00:25:45,727 --> 00:25:50,801 God! If you hadn't pulled that cord, that man wouldn't have thrown us off. 357 00:25:50,967 --> 00:25:56,485 He threw us off because you said ASLEF was an anagram for ''total bastard''. 358 00:25:56,647 --> 00:26:00,242 Which apart from everything else, it isn't, even. 359 00:26:00,407 --> 00:26:04,878 Shut up! If you hadn't been born, there'd only be three of us, 360 00:26:05,047 --> 00:26:08,164 which isn't enough to enter, so it's your fault. 361 00:26:08,327 --> 00:26:11,797 - Bambi won't wait. - Relax, he's a personal friend. 362 00:26:11,967 --> 00:26:15,437 - I got him the Babycham commercial. - Really? Wow! 363 00:26:15,607 --> 00:26:18,246 Do they really make it out of babies? 364 00:26:18,407 --> 00:26:23,765 Bloody hell! It must be 200 miles and we'll have to walk the whole way! 365 00:26:23,927 --> 00:26:28,205 What are you talking about? I'm the greatest hitchhiker in the galaxy. 366 00:26:29,207 --> 00:26:30,845 See, told you so. 367 00:26:31,007 --> 00:26:33,567 Evening, Officer. University Challenge, Scumbag College. 368 00:26:33,727 --> 00:26:37,879 Here, hang on. You should have been here two weeks ago. 369 00:26:38,047 --> 00:26:41,835 - We walked 200 miles. - Didn't you get our message? 370 00:26:42,007 --> 00:26:46,637 - Neil, why didn't you phone? - We did get a message, yes. 371 00:26:46,807 --> 00:26:51,119 ''Beep. Beep. Beep. Oh, no, heavy. The coins keep coming out. 372 00:26:51,287 --> 00:26:54,438 ''Beep. Beep. Beep. Even the telephone hates me. 373 00:26:54,607 --> 00:26:57,405 ''Beep. Beep. Beep. I wish there were no machines 374 00:26:57,567 --> 00:27:00,445 ''and everyone led a pastoral existence. 375 00:27:00,607 --> 00:27:05,203 ''Trees and flowers don't deliberately beep in your ear.'' 376 00:27:05,367 --> 00:27:09,406 - That's it. Didn't you get it? - Yeah, on the 24th. 377 00:27:09,567 --> 00:27:12,240 - Hang on. What's that? - My mascot! 378 00:27:12,407 --> 00:27:15,558 - A pig? - No. 379 00:27:15,727 --> 00:27:18,400 - It is. - No, it's a ferret. 380 00:27:18,567 --> 00:27:20,797 A deformed ferret, I'll grant you that. 381 00:27:20,967 --> 00:27:24,357 So deformed that it looks like a pig. 382 00:27:24,527 --> 00:27:28,600 - Exactly like a pig. - Well, it has been remarked upon. 383 00:27:28,767 --> 00:27:32,965 In fact, just as John Hurt is known as the Elephant Man, 384 00:27:33,127 --> 00:27:36,961 Bacon Sandwich here is known as the Pig Ferret. 385 00:27:37,127 --> 00:27:40,244 Bacon Sandwich? Funny name for a ferret, isn't it? 386 00:27:40,407 --> 00:27:44,719 A-ha! Had you fooled. It's not a ferret, it's a pig. 387 00:27:44,887 --> 00:27:48,846 - Brilliant, Vyvyan. - Well done. You got him there. 388 00:27:49,007 --> 00:27:52,522 Had enough, Nazi, or do you want some more? 389 00:27:55,847 --> 00:27:58,805 - Good morning, Mr. Gascoigne. - Scumbag College? 390 00:27:58,967 --> 00:28:02,039 - So, you finally made it. - Bambi, Bambi, my main man! 391 00:28:02,207 --> 00:28:07,520 Good to see you. You've lost a lot of fur. You're walking on two legs, 392 00:28:07,687 --> 00:28:10,326 - but the same Bambi! - (NEIL SOBS) 393 00:28:10,487 --> 00:28:14,844 - Shut up. What's the matter? - I'm sorry, everybody. Sorry, Bambi. 394 00:28:15,007 --> 00:28:21,355 I remember when you got lost and the rabbit found you. It was beautiful. 395 00:28:21,527 --> 00:28:25,315 Yeah, and when you shoved the drill in the otter's face. 396 00:28:25,487 --> 00:28:28,957 - That wasn't in ''Bambi''! - It was in the sequel, 397 00:28:29,127 --> 00:28:33,564 ''Bambi Goes Crazy Ape Bonkers With His Drill And Sex''. 398 00:28:33,727 --> 00:28:37,163 Is that true, Bambi? Did you do a Disney nasty? 399 00:28:37,327 --> 00:28:41,002 So what if I did? I'm not apologizing. 400 00:28:41,167 --> 00:28:43,317 My life collapsed after ''Bambi''. 401 00:28:43,487 --> 00:28:46,957 I was a lovable faun, unusable for anything else. 402 00:28:47,127 --> 00:28:51,723 I took the Babycham stuff, sure, thanks to Mike, but I was finished. 403 00:28:51,887 --> 00:28:55,357 With the porn ''Bambi'', I thought I'd get something back. 404 00:28:55,527 --> 00:28:57,438 If it hadn't been for University Challenge, 405 00:28:57,607 --> 00:29:00,280 I'd be giving executive relief to woodland creatures today. 406 00:29:02,927 --> 00:29:08,081 - Are you going to let us win? - The posh kids win. They always do. 407 00:29:11,727 --> 00:29:14,161 (THEME TUNE) 408 00:29:17,087 --> 00:29:19,806 Hello, and welcome to University Challenge. 409 00:29:19,967 --> 00:29:23,403 This week, the teams represent Footlights College, Oxbridge... 410 00:29:23,567 --> 00:29:26,957 (ALL) Rah! Rah! Rah! We're going to smash the oiks! 411 00:29:27,127 --> 00:29:30,836 Yes, that's the spirit. And Scumbag College. 412 00:29:31,007 --> 00:29:33,885 Oh, aye! Up Scumbag! Up Scumbag! 413 00:29:34,047 --> 00:29:35,366 (BOOING) 414 00:29:35,527 --> 00:29:38,439 See you, teddy bear. Come 'ere! 415 00:29:38,607 --> 00:29:43,761 Yes, well... Representing Footlights, we have Lord Monty... 416 00:29:43,927 --> 00:29:46,157 - Hello. - Lord Snot... 417 00:29:46,327 --> 00:29:49,160 Miss Money-Sterling... 418 00:29:49,327 --> 00:29:51,363 - and Mr. Kendal Mintcake. - Hi. 419 00:29:51,527 --> 00:29:53,995 And representing Scumbag, we have Mike... 420 00:29:54,167 --> 00:29:57,603 - Hello. - Prick, Vyvyan... 421 00:29:57,767 --> 00:30:01,362 - and Neil. - Vegetable rights and peace. 422 00:30:02,727 --> 00:30:05,639 So, your starter for ten, no conferring. 423 00:30:05,807 --> 00:30:08,958 Born in 1311 of Manchurian stock, he came to... 424 00:30:09,127 --> 00:30:11,038 (ANNOUNCER) Scumbag, Neil. 425 00:30:11,207 --> 00:30:14,597 Uh... Can I go to the toilet, please? 426 00:30:17,127 --> 00:30:19,766 No, you're barking up the wrong tree there. 427 00:30:19,927 --> 00:30:23,078 Five-point penalty to Scumbag. Full question to Footlights. 428 00:30:23,247 --> 00:30:25,966 He represented the modal cathartic slipweight of the... 429 00:30:26,127 --> 00:30:30,917 - (ANNOUNCER) Footlights, Monty. - Wasn't it...Monk D'Wally de Honk? 430 00:30:31,087 --> 00:30:35,603 - Almost. Can you give me any more? - Will £50 do? 431 00:30:35,767 --> 00:30:37,837 Absolutely spot on. 432 00:30:38,007 --> 00:30:42,364 Well done, Footlights. 10 points and three bonus questions to you. 433 00:30:42,527 --> 00:30:44,802 - ''What was the name...'' - Battle of Bannockburn! 434 00:30:46,007 --> 00:30:51,479 Yes, that's very well anticipated. Battle of Bannockburn it is. 435 00:30:51,647 --> 00:30:53,683 Buzz, buzz... Uh... 436 00:30:54,767 --> 00:30:56,837 Uh... Uh... Look... 437 00:30:57,007 --> 00:31:02,365 sorry to hassle you, Bambi, but I really need the toilet badly. 438 00:31:02,527 --> 00:31:07,396 Yes, well, Footlights lead by 15 points, but it's early days yet... 439 00:31:07,567 --> 00:31:11,276 Oh, no. I'll have to wee on Lord Snot's head. 440 00:31:16,527 --> 00:31:20,759 Who said, ''Lawks-a-lordy, my bottom's on fire''? 441 00:31:20,927 --> 00:31:23,157 - Lenin! - I'll accept that, 442 00:31:23,327 --> 00:31:27,081 although the exact answer is Joan of Arc. 443 00:31:27,247 --> 00:31:29,966 Five points. And what is the chemical equation... 444 00:31:30,127 --> 00:31:32,800 I've got a Porsche. 445 00:31:36,447 --> 00:31:38,483 That's not what's on the card, 446 00:31:38,647 --> 00:31:41,445 but I knew your father, so Footlights lead. 447 00:31:41,607 --> 00:31:43,723 Daddy sends hugs. 448 00:31:45,647 --> 00:31:51,165 So, starters for ten. Who is the richest person in the world? 449 00:31:51,327 --> 00:31:54,364 - (ANNOUNCER) Scumbag, Vyvyan. - What? 450 00:31:56,367 --> 00:31:59,279 We're getting thrashed. We're getting completely thrashed! 451 00:31:59,447 --> 00:32:05,079 - Isn't there some way we can cheat? - Guys, it's beginning to seep out. 452 00:32:05,247 --> 00:32:08,478 It's very simple, Neil. Use the jug! 453 00:32:10,007 --> 00:32:14,319 I must hurry you. Who is the richest person in the world? 454 00:32:14,487 --> 00:32:17,285 - (ANNOUNCER) Footlights, Snot. - It's me, isn't it? 455 00:32:17,447 --> 00:32:20,598 No, your father's multi-national collapsed only this morning. 456 00:32:20,767 --> 00:32:22,246 Oh, damn. 457 00:32:23,807 --> 00:32:29,916 So, with the score still standing at 25 to nothing... 458 00:32:30,087 --> 00:32:32,237 I'm completely bloody sick of this! 459 00:32:35,967 --> 00:32:40,483 Give us some easy ones, Bambi, you big bottom-boil! 460 00:32:40,647 --> 00:32:43,400 Relax, we can handle this. Vyvyan. 461 00:32:44,447 --> 00:32:47,086 - Achtung! - It's not an automatic... 462 00:32:52,247 --> 00:32:55,205 - OK, let's hear another. - Starter for ten. 463 00:32:55,367 --> 00:32:58,359 What is the record for marshmallows stuffed up one nostril? 464 00:32:59,167 --> 00:33:03,843 - (ANNOUNCER) Scumbag, Mike. - 604, Toxteth O'Grady, U.S.A. 465 00:33:04,007 --> 00:33:06,885 I told you that, Mike, you bloody cheat! 466 00:33:07,047 --> 00:33:11,882 Ten points, Scumbag. Who produced the world's stickiest bogey? 467 00:33:13,247 --> 00:33:16,045 - Toxteth O'Grady. - Correct, five points. 468 00:33:16,207 --> 00:33:20,280 - You bum-bag! - The world's stupidest bottom-burp? 469 00:33:21,447 --> 00:33:23,278 Rick, Britain! 470 00:33:23,447 --> 00:33:26,678 - Correct, five points. - It is not! 471 00:33:26,847 --> 00:33:31,841 Finally, for five bonus points, to take you into the lead... 472 00:33:32,007 --> 00:33:38,401 - Who's tampered with my questions? - It was me! It was me! Damn, damn! 473 00:33:38,567 --> 00:33:40,398 (BOOING AND HISSING) 474 00:33:42,527 --> 00:33:44,040 (SPLAT!) 475 00:33:45,567 --> 00:33:48,286 This bun's covered with human beings the size of amoebas. 476 00:33:48,447 --> 00:33:51,166 Here, Jumbo, get that down your oesophagus. 477 00:33:51,327 --> 00:33:55,957 There. Anyway, as I was saying, I've rather an interesting theory. 478 00:33:56,127 --> 00:33:58,721 Have you tried this new high-fibre diet? 479 00:33:58,887 --> 00:34:01,276 (ELEPHANT) Yes, I tried that. 480 00:34:01,447 --> 00:34:05,486 I lost a ton, but I put it straight back on again. 481 00:34:09,247 --> 00:34:12,717 I understand that many men must have asked of you 482 00:34:12,887 --> 00:34:15,765 that which you weren't prepared to give, 483 00:34:15,927 --> 00:34:19,397 but I pledge you my word as a gentleman 484 00:34:19,567 --> 00:34:22,365 that I would never take what you didn't offer freely, 485 00:34:22,527 --> 00:34:25,803 nor enter where asked to remain outside. 486 00:34:27,007 --> 00:34:32,798 I was thinking. You should dye your hair a wee bit. 487 00:34:32,967 --> 00:34:39,042 You know, nice little black hairs. You've got... Yes, I quite agree!