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Shared by http://DJJ.HOME.SAPO.PT/
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# Once in every lifetime
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# Comes a love like this
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# Oh, I need you, you need me
4
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# Oh, my darling, can't you see?
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# Young ones
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# Darling, we're the young ones
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# The young ones
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(RICK) # Shouldn't be afraid
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# To live, love
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# There's a song to be sung
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# 'Cause we may not
be the young ones very long #
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(WIND HOWLS)
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(ROCK 'N' ROLL MUSIC)
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# The rhythm that gets
into your heart and soul
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# Let me tell you, baby,
it's called rock 'n' roll...
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# Well, we just don't know
what's going to replace it
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(MUSIC STOPS)
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Vyvyan! You bastard!
19
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Vyvyan! You've got no respect
for property!
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All right, what's the stair carpet
doing on the fire?
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Burning, what's it look like?
22
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Oh, you're burning the stair carpet?
Well, call me old fashioned...
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Rick, where'd you find
all that firewood?
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Ah. Uh... Between my legs.
25
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- Wish I'd thought of that.
- I wish you'd done it!
26
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- I might want children one day.
- What a revolting thought!
27
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Vyv, throw another record player
on the fire.
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- Certainly, Michael.
- Bastards! That's my record player!
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You said it was yours.
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No, I said, ''Let's throw
Rick's record player on the fire.
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00:02:04,335 --> 00:02:08,010
- ''That'll be good for a laugh.''
- Oh, yeah.
32
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- It is yours, Rick.
- Yes! Now give it back!
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Oh, God...
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00:02:19,375 --> 00:02:22,208
My parents gave me that
after my O-Levels!
35
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And it looks
like you failed them all.
36
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That's not true!
I got a B for French...
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- Look, Rick. Rick.
- I...
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We're all completely broke,
so we've got to make sacrifices.
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00:02:35,375 --> 00:02:39,891
I myself have generously donated
my used tissue collection.
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And Vyvyan has burned everything
Neil owns.
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Never mind that. I'm more interested
in this O-Level business! I got...
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Ow!
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Sounds like supper's ready.
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Neil, we're not having broken
crockery again? That's my recipe!
45
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I can't nail the plates
to the table without breaking them.
46
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Neil, Neil, Neil.
Nails aren't in the recipe.
47
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I'm not cooking. I'm just trying
to nail the plates to the table.
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00:03:15,375 --> 00:03:20,290
Neil, is it really necessary
to nail the plates to the table?
49
00:03:21,295 --> 00:03:23,525
What happens
when we want to play Monopoly?
50
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''Go directly to plate?'' ''Do not pass
plate - nailed down by a hippie?''
51
00:03:30,215 --> 00:03:32,888
No, guys, you don't understand.
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I've got something well scary to lay
on you, OK? So, like, sit down.
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00:03:38,895 --> 00:03:41,932
What do you mean?
There's only one chair.
54
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Do we all put our bottoms on that
and catch diseases?
55
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- It's not important.
- I think it is, actually!
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I happen to be rather attached
to my bottom.
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- I've got seats in my car.
- All right, we'll use them.
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No, they're attached.
You sit in them while you're driving.
59
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I could drive the whole car in!
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No, no. Better idea,
we'll go out there.
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Ah-ha!
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00:04:09,335 --> 00:04:14,045
No, wait. Guys. Guys.
What about my scary story?
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00:04:14,215 --> 00:04:18,367
That's a point. We won't be able
to hear Neil from out there.
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- You'll have to make a tape.
- No. My cassette's bust.
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- (RICK) Well, come out with us.
- No, there's only two seats.
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- I could go in the boot.
- No. If you touch my car,
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- I'll kill you. Remember?
- Oh, yeah.
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- Neil.
- Yeah?
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00:04:38,895 --> 00:04:41,534
(WHISPERS) Squat down.
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Oh, yeah. Great idea, Mike.
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Hey, guys, look, I've got something
well scary to lay on you, OK,
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so, like, squat down.
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- Brilliant!
- Yeah. Squatting!
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Right on. Youth control. No rent!
75
00:04:54,815 --> 00:04:59,525
- Now listen...
- Neil, has this table shrunk?
76
00:04:59,695 --> 00:05:02,926
That's what I've been trying
to tell you, right?
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00:05:03,095 --> 00:05:05,689
Strange things are happening
in this house.
78
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Furniture keeps disappearing.
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Plates keep, like,
moving about the place.
80
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The table is shrinking.
81
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And last night,
I found my guitar...on the fire.
82
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- Do you know what this means?
- Yes...
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No, no... Yeah!
84
00:05:28,375 --> 00:05:30,525
It means we've got a poltergoost!
85
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(THUNDER)
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Don't be stupid.
There's no such thing!
87
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Don't be such a spazmo, Neil!
88
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There's no ghosts, there's no God,
89
00:05:41,255 --> 00:05:44,930
there's a rational explanation for
any phenomena you might encounter.
90
00:05:45,095 --> 00:05:48,326
Yeah? How do you explain
the table shrinking, then?
91
00:05:48,495 --> 00:05:53,250
- Ah. Uh...
- Well, I did that, actually.
92
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Like this.
93
00:06:09,375 --> 00:06:10,933
See?
94
00:06:12,535 --> 00:06:15,845
God! Mike's floating!
How's that done, then?
95
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Yeah, you see? I was right!
It's the poltergoost!
96
00:06:19,535 --> 00:06:22,766
- It's making him float!
- Aaah! Get a priest!
97
00:06:22,935 --> 00:06:25,051
Get a vicar! I believe in God!
98
00:06:26,455 --> 00:06:28,605
Never mind priests.
Call an ambulance.
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- Why?
- I've nailed my legs to the table.
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(THUNDER AND COUGHING)
101
00:06:37,935 --> 00:06:39,607
- Sore throat?
- Yeah.
102
00:06:39,775 --> 00:06:41,891
'Ere, hold it. Prithee.
103
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Art thou saying that Bacon
wrote all of Shakespeare's plays?
104
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- Yeah.
- Which bit of bacon?
105
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- His hand.
- Bacon hasn't got hands.
106
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Look, they found a manuscript
in a packet of bacon.
107
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Codpiece face!
108
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- What did you say?
- Codpiece face.
109
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- What did you say?
-Codpiece face.
110
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- What did you say?
- I said codpiece face.
111
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- What did you say?
- I said codpiece face.
112
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- What did you say?
- I said...
113
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- Don't be evasive!
- Oh, sod it!
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Oi! Hey!
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Let's go kick his teeth in.
116
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Kick him. Ah! My foot!
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(FARTS)
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With Christmas
only four months away,
119
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imagine that this desktop
is a crowded shopping street
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on a busy Saturday morning.
121
00:07:39,775 --> 00:07:45,054
Say, for instance, that this huge
meringue filled with whipped cream
122
00:07:45,215 --> 00:07:48,332
is a young mother
loaded with her groceries.
123
00:07:48,495 --> 00:07:54,934
And perhaps this enormous, soggy,
overripe tomato is a little girl,
124
00:07:55,095 --> 00:07:59,646
who doesn't realize what a dangerous
place her exciting new world is.
125
00:07:59,815 --> 00:08:03,524
And let's assume
that this clingfilm parcel
126
00:08:03,695 --> 00:08:07,973
of mashed banana and jam
is a deaf senior citizen
127
00:08:09,175 --> 00:08:12,565
who's in a wheelchair and is blind.
128
00:08:12,735 --> 00:08:19,846
And this cricket bat with
a breeze block nailed to it is your car.
129
00:08:20,015 --> 00:08:24,327
Now, what happens
if your car mounts the pavement?
130
00:08:27,175 --> 00:08:29,643
Think once. Think twice.
131
00:08:29,815 --> 00:08:32,568
Think don't drive your car
on the pavement.
132
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(HEADS SHOUT)
Over here! Oi! Over here!
133
00:08:35,615 --> 00:08:38,175
- Over here!
- Over here!
134
00:08:39,295 --> 00:08:43,208
No, no. That's a goldfish bowl.
Put it down.
135
00:08:43,895 --> 00:08:48,525
No, that's a grapefruit! Pick me up
before this woman farts again!
136
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(FARTS)
137
00:08:54,455 --> 00:08:55,968
(GROANS)
138
00:09:00,735 --> 00:09:03,454
Hello. I am your neighbour.
139
00:09:03,615 --> 00:09:07,005
I know. You've been around here
six times today already.
140
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(LAUGHS POLITELY)
141
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Yeah. Nice day.
142
00:09:13,095 --> 00:09:15,563
No, it's not. It's snowing.
143
00:09:15,735 --> 00:09:17,134
(LAUGHS)
144
00:09:17,295 --> 00:09:22,415
Well, if you like snow and being
really cold, it's a nice day.
145
00:09:22,575 --> 00:09:27,285
Well, I don't, and you're letting
cold air in. What do you want?
146
00:09:27,455 --> 00:09:34,088
Um... Could I borrow...
a cup of sugar...please?
147
00:09:34,255 --> 00:09:36,769
Another one?
How many's that you've had?
148
00:09:36,935 --> 00:09:40,530
- It'll rot your teeth.
- Yeah, I was worried,
149
00:09:40,695 --> 00:09:44,608
so I had mine kicked out.
These are Neil's.
150
00:09:46,335 --> 00:09:49,532
Could I have my cups back sometime?
151
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Uh... Yeah, yeah.
152
00:09:53,655 --> 00:09:55,213
There you are.
153
00:09:57,535 --> 00:09:59,173
You're not very comfortable, Rick.
154
00:09:59,335 --> 00:10:04,932
No, I'm bloody not! Why can't you use
Vyvyan as a chair? He burnt them.
155
00:10:05,095 --> 00:10:08,292
Because I've been out
gathering winter fuel.
156
00:10:08,455 --> 00:10:11,094
- Look, another one.
- Nice one, Vyv.
157
00:10:14,175 --> 00:10:16,166
Guys, guys, guys.
158
00:10:16,335 --> 00:10:19,884
Guys, I think I've solved
our money problem.
159
00:10:20,055 --> 00:10:22,330
I'm writing to my bank manager.
160
00:10:22,495 --> 00:10:24,292
See what you think, OK?
161
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''Dear bank manager...''
162
00:10:28,175 --> 00:10:30,814
- Yeah?
- Well, that's it.
163
00:10:31,895 --> 00:10:35,934
- I'm quite pleased with it so far.
- It's a strong opening.
164
00:10:36,095 --> 00:10:41,089
I don't like the ''dear''. Sounds like,
''Please go to bed with me?''
165
00:10:41,255 --> 00:10:43,689
Well spotted, Vyvyan.
What do you think instead?
166
00:10:43,855 --> 00:10:46,847
What about ''darling''?
167
00:10:47,935 --> 00:10:49,926
''Darling bank manager...''
168
00:10:50,095 --> 00:10:55,010
No, no, no, no! Not ''bank manager''.
It's far too crawly bum-lick.
169
00:10:55,175 --> 00:10:57,564
Tell it like it is,
put ''fascist bully boy''!
170
00:10:59,055 --> 00:11:03,731
- ''Darling fascist bully boy...''
- So, what do you want to say?
171
00:11:03,895 --> 00:11:09,447
I want to extend my overdraft,
but there must be a better way to say it.
172
00:11:09,615 --> 00:11:12,732
Well, what about,
''Give me some more money''?
173
00:11:12,895 --> 00:11:17,093
- ''You bastard.''
- Isn't that a bit strong?
174
00:11:17,255 --> 00:11:20,452
- People like that respect strength.
- You're right.
175
00:11:20,615 --> 00:11:25,814
''Darling fascist bully boy, give me
some more money, you bastard...''
176
00:11:25,975 --> 00:11:30,014
- Uh... ''Love, Neil.''
- Not ''Love, Neil''!
177
00:11:30,175 --> 00:11:34,373
That's like, ''Come and get it
like a bitch-funky sex machine.''
178
00:11:35,495 --> 00:11:39,010
Yeah, you're right.
Uh...what about ''Yours sincerely''?
179
00:11:39,175 --> 00:11:44,010
Oh, come off it! If you're going
to be that sycophantic, go there now
180
00:11:44,175 --> 00:11:48,532
and stick your tongue straight down
the back of his trousers?
181
00:11:48,695 --> 00:11:53,007
Oh, I know, I know.
Why not put ''boomshanka''?
182
00:11:53,175 --> 00:11:56,212
That's hard to tell.
What does it mean?
183
00:11:56,375 --> 00:11:59,685
''May the seed of your loin be
fruitful in the belly of your woman.''
184
00:12:00,775 --> 00:12:05,007
Ah-ha! And what makes you think
your bank manager's a man?
185
00:12:05,895 --> 00:12:07,214
His beard.
186
00:12:08,935 --> 00:12:12,211
He'll never understand ''boomshanka''.
Write it all out.
187
00:12:12,375 --> 00:12:15,606
Right. Here we go.
''Darling fascist bully boy,
188
00:12:15,775 --> 00:12:17,891
''give me some more money,
you bastard.
189
00:12:18,055 --> 00:12:22,810
''May the seed of your loin be
fruitful in the belly of your woman.
190
00:12:22,975 --> 00:12:24,294
''Neil.''
191
00:12:25,375 --> 00:12:28,526
If that doesn't work,
I don't know what will.
192
00:12:28,695 --> 00:12:33,564
The trouble is we're running low
on fuel. Vyv, chuck it on the fire.
193
00:12:36,375 --> 00:12:39,731
- Where's my supper, Neil?
- Coming.
194
00:12:39,895 --> 00:12:42,887
Yeah, I could eat my own earwax.
195
00:12:43,055 --> 00:12:46,286
And we know how horrid
that tastes. Right, kids?
196
00:12:47,375 --> 00:12:51,209
Mike, Mike, did we burn the sofa?
197
00:12:51,375 --> 00:12:54,173
- Yeah, afraid so, Vyv.
- I thought we did.
198
00:12:58,535 --> 00:13:00,605
Right, Neil. We're ready!
199
00:13:01,615 --> 00:13:05,927
Right. Here it is.
Now, eat it up quickly, OK?
200
00:13:06,615 --> 00:13:10,449
- What's this?
- Uh... It's risotto, Mike.
201
00:13:10,615 --> 00:13:13,607
It's snow, isn't it, Neil?
202
00:13:13,775 --> 00:13:16,653
No, it's probably
just gone cold, Vyv.
203
00:13:16,815 --> 00:13:18,692
Neil, it is snow!
204
00:13:18,855 --> 00:13:22,894
- It's risotto, Vyv!
- I know snow when I see it!
205
00:13:23,055 --> 00:13:25,649
It's all I've had to eat
for three days.
206
00:13:26,535 --> 00:13:32,644
- Well, it's very nourishing, Vyvyan.
- Snow! I hate the sight of it!
207
00:13:32,815 --> 00:13:37,969
- Don't you want yours, then?
- Ah! I didn't say that, Mike.
208
00:13:39,735 --> 00:13:43,171
Oh, God, this is disgusting!
209
00:13:43,335 --> 00:13:46,088
Don't blame me. I didn't cook it.
210
00:13:46,255 --> 00:13:50,043
- Can't we get decent food?
- We've got no bread.
211
00:13:50,215 --> 00:13:52,683
Well, why don't we get some bread?
212
00:13:52,855 --> 00:13:56,165
Because, Vyvyan,
we haven't got any bread!
213
00:13:56,335 --> 00:14:00,248
OK, OK. This has gone far enough.
House meeting.
214
00:14:00,415 --> 00:14:02,724
House meeting! House meeting!
215
00:14:02,895 --> 00:14:06,774
- Vyv, wake up Rick.
- Rick, wake up!
216
00:14:08,215 --> 00:14:10,490
(DANCE MUSIC)
217
00:14:11,855 --> 00:14:14,767
(1ST GHOST)
Oi, wilt thou just list, please?
218
00:14:14,935 --> 00:14:19,008
Thank you. This is my body.
That one there is yours.
219
00:14:19,175 --> 00:14:22,451
(2ND GHOST) Just because
this one's got a nicer bottom.
220
00:14:22,615 --> 00:14:26,972
- That bum's got no rhythm!
- I don't believe this! Look...
221
00:14:28,055 --> 00:14:29,727
Down a bit. That's it.
222
00:14:29,895 --> 00:14:34,685
You're exploiting the fact that we've
been beheaded to grab a nicer bot!
223
00:14:34,855 --> 00:14:38,291
- For sooth's sake!
- We'll split the bottom.
224
00:14:38,455 --> 00:14:40,889
- Down the middle?
- Don't get aggressive!
225
00:14:41,055 --> 00:14:47,733
- I am not getting aggressive!
- You are, Rick. I can sense it.
226
00:14:48,615 --> 00:14:53,564
I am not! Why does it have to be me
who gets a job?
227
00:14:53,735 --> 00:14:57,648
Well, it can't be me.
I lead an alternative lifestyle.
228
00:14:57,815 --> 00:15:00,807
Ha! You're about as alternative
as Channel 4!
229
00:15:03,655 --> 00:15:06,488
All right, let's look in the paper.
230
00:15:07,575 --> 00:15:09,008
Vyvyan.
231
00:15:09,775 --> 00:15:12,847
I'm sorry about that bang.
I just fired a gun.
232
00:15:13,015 --> 00:15:17,531
Here we are. Situations vacant,
pages seven to thirteen.
233
00:15:22,095 --> 00:15:25,883
- There isn't much choice.
- Wait. What's this?
234
00:15:26,815 --> 00:15:32,970
- ''Join the professionals.''
- ''You can have a gun.''
235
00:15:33,135 --> 00:15:38,687
Ah, well... Now... Yes, well...
That's me out, you see.
236
00:15:38,855 --> 00:15:41,050
Uh... Perforated eardrum.
237
00:15:41,215 --> 00:15:42,967
Really? Yeah, me too.
238
00:15:43,135 --> 00:15:45,774
- Uh... Pardon?
- Flat feet.
239
00:15:45,935 --> 00:15:48,165
Well, that just leaves Neil, then.
240
00:15:48,335 --> 00:15:52,931
What? No way!
Why can't it be Vyvyan for a change?
241
00:15:54,135 --> 00:15:59,812
Uh... Well, Neil,
since you come to mention it...
242
00:15:59,975 --> 00:16:05,129
Um...there is something I've been
meaning to tell all of you
243
00:16:05,295 --> 00:16:07,650
for some time... Um...
244
00:16:07,815 --> 00:16:10,773
I went to see the doctor today...
245
00:16:12,055 --> 00:16:16,970
and, well...I think I'm pregnant.
246
00:16:18,935 --> 00:16:22,723
- What?
- I'm going to have a baby!
247
00:16:23,535 --> 00:16:26,129
- That's impossible!
- That's what she said!
248
00:16:26,295 --> 00:16:28,934
You just can't trust women, can you?
249
00:16:29,095 --> 00:16:34,727
- But... But... How did it happen?
- Come on, Rick. How old are you?
250
00:16:36,335 --> 00:16:38,565
Well, that's rather
a personal question!
251
00:16:39,695 --> 00:16:42,573
Didn't your mother explain
about the birds and the bees?
252
00:16:42,735 --> 00:16:45,886
Mine did, but I didn't believe her.
253
00:16:46,055 --> 00:16:49,570
Well, what if the bird got stung
halfway through?
254
00:16:50,495 --> 00:16:54,647
Well, there's a big size difference.
Ostriches are really big, right...
255
00:16:54,815 --> 00:16:58,854
Ah! Ah! Oh, no!
The contractions are starting!
256
00:16:59,015 --> 00:17:01,688
- Oh, no!
- I'm having a baby!
257
00:17:01,855 --> 00:17:06,451
Quick! Quick!
Mike, get some boiling towels.
258
00:17:06,615 --> 00:17:08,924
Rick, clean water.
259
00:17:09,935 --> 00:17:14,167
Vyvyan, sit down.
Take the weight off your feet.
260
00:17:14,335 --> 00:17:18,408
- There aren't any chairs!
- All the towels have been burnt!
261
00:17:18,575 --> 00:17:22,329
Oh, no! We've got to buy some
furniture for Vyvyan quickly!
262
00:17:22,495 --> 00:17:26,932
We can't! We haven't got any money!
Vyvyan's baby will be a pauper!
263
00:17:27,095 --> 00:17:31,088
Oliver Twist! Geoffrey Dickens!
Back to Victorian values!
264
00:17:31,255 --> 00:17:33,723
I hope you're satisfied, Thatcher!
265
00:17:34,735 --> 00:17:39,411
- Get some money very quickly.
- There's only one thing for it.
266
00:17:39,575 --> 00:17:42,135
- Neil.
- You're right.
267
00:17:42,295 --> 00:17:45,332
I've got to join the army
before Vyvyan has a baby.
268
00:17:46,735 --> 00:17:49,727
(CACKLES INSANELY)
269
00:17:51,415 --> 00:17:55,124
I've just been round my neighbour's
house to borrow a drill,
270
00:17:55,295 --> 00:17:57,331
but he wasn't in.
271
00:17:59,415 --> 00:18:02,327
So, I broke in and ate his fish tank,
272
00:18:02,495 --> 00:18:04,770
and I wasn't even hungry.
273
00:18:06,855 --> 00:18:10,165
You won't catch me with me trousers!
274
00:18:12,015 --> 00:18:13,494
(WAILING)
275
00:18:17,095 --> 00:18:20,451
- What time is it?
- That's the 100th time you've asked.
276
00:18:20,615 --> 00:18:22,606
Yes, and you don't tell me!
277
00:18:22,775 --> 00:18:25,733
- Get a watch!
- I've got a watch!
278
00:18:25,895 --> 00:18:29,251
I'm just not very good
at telling the time yet.
279
00:18:30,655 --> 00:18:33,374
- The small hand's on the four...
- (WAILING)
280
00:18:35,695 --> 00:18:39,404
- How's it going?
- I hate it! I hate it!
281
00:18:39,575 --> 00:18:42,612
Of course you do.
It's not finished yet.
282
00:18:42,775 --> 00:18:45,733
It's finished
as far as I'm concerned.
283
00:18:47,415 --> 00:18:52,648
- At least I'm half fashionable.
- What? You're 150% fashion!
284
00:18:52,815 --> 00:18:55,887
The army can't say no to this suit.
285
00:18:56,975 --> 00:19:02,095
- Thanks for letting me hire it.
- It's somewhat on the snug side.
286
00:19:02,255 --> 00:19:05,247
Come on. The recruiting office
closes in one hour!
287
00:19:05,415 --> 00:19:09,294
- Come on!
- Don't tell them you're a pacifist!
288
00:19:19,335 --> 00:19:22,611
I only said I was a pacifist!
289
00:19:24,695 --> 00:19:26,686
Well, we're back to square one.
290
00:19:26,855 --> 00:19:30,245
God! Look at this weather.
You'd think it was winter.
291
00:19:30,415 --> 00:19:35,045
Yes, a chap could lose his bearings
in weather like this.
292
00:19:35,215 --> 00:19:37,968
Hey! Do you see what I see?
293
00:19:38,135 --> 00:19:42,014
(VYVYAN) Oh, brilliant!
Neil, you're joining the police.
294
00:19:53,935 --> 00:19:56,495
- (KNOCK AT DOOR)
- Entrez.
295
00:20:01,215 --> 00:20:05,493
Hello, I've come to join the police,
but I shouldn't think you'd take me...
296
00:20:05,655 --> 00:20:07,771
Hey, hey, hey!
297
00:20:09,375 --> 00:20:13,334
Hey, aren't you Benito Mussolini,
conqueror of Abyssinia
298
00:20:13,495 --> 00:20:15,611
and former dictator of Italy?
299
00:20:15,775 --> 00:20:17,606
No.
300
00:20:17,775 --> 00:20:20,608
So, what can I do for you?
301
00:20:20,775 --> 00:20:25,291
It's about joining the police,
but I don't think I'm motivated.
302
00:20:25,455 --> 00:20:30,370
Sure you are. There's only one thing
you need to know to be a policeman.
303
00:20:30,535 --> 00:20:34,653
Really. You have to be able
to go, ''Cccch!''
304
00:20:35,335 --> 00:20:37,291
(RETCHES)
305
00:20:37,455 --> 00:20:40,765
No, ''Cccch!''
For when you talk into your radio.
306
00:20:40,935 --> 00:20:44,086
You go, ''Cccch!'' You see?
307
00:20:44,255 --> 00:20:47,088
Cccch! That's right!
Cccch! That's right!
308
00:20:47,255 --> 00:20:51,043
''Charlie, Tango,
Teakettle, Barbecue. Cccch!''
309
00:20:51,215 --> 00:20:54,651
- Cccch!
- That's right! You practice it.
310
00:20:54,815 --> 00:20:58,967
- If you can't, I kick your head in.
- Fascist!
311
00:20:59,135 --> 00:21:00,454
Si.
312
00:21:02,295 --> 00:21:05,287
OK, here is the uniform. Take that,
313
00:21:05,455 --> 00:21:09,607
and as you go out,
watch out for the Special Branch.
314
00:21:15,335 --> 00:21:17,291
What's so special about that?
315
00:21:17,455 --> 00:21:20,128
I've got a degree
in Computer Science.
316
00:21:20,295 --> 00:21:24,334
Oh, yeah. That's quite special. Yeah.
317
00:21:24,495 --> 00:21:29,410
It's been a terrible blow to my life
looking like Mussolini, you know.
318
00:21:29,575 --> 00:21:34,603
Especially when I was a kid. I was
down the youth club, dancing away,
319
00:21:34,775 --> 00:21:39,246
in the '60s, doing the twist,
and this girl comes up and goes,
320
00:21:39,415 --> 00:21:41,724
'''Ere! Are you Mussolini?''
321
00:21:43,215 --> 00:21:46,571
I said, ''Um... Yeah. Yeah.''
322
00:21:46,735 --> 00:21:52,332
She says, ''I thought you was dead.''
I said, ''It was just my day off.''
323
00:21:52,495 --> 00:21:57,011
She pulled me over
and butted me in the face!
324
00:21:57,175 --> 00:22:00,372
She said,
''That's for the invasion of Crete!''
325
00:22:02,215 --> 00:22:06,606
And now, Italy's contestant
in the Eurovision Song Contest.
326
00:22:06,775 --> 00:22:10,927
It's Il Duce with this year's entry.
Take it away, Duce!
327
00:22:11,095 --> 00:22:13,086
(RAPTUROUS APPLAUSE)
328
00:22:18,495 --> 00:22:20,645
# Whenever people bother me
329
00:22:20,815 --> 00:22:23,375
# When they shout
and raise their voices
330
00:22:23,535 --> 00:22:25,287
# I don't let it get me down
331
00:22:25,455 --> 00:22:28,731
# I just make some stupid noises,
I go...
332
00:22:28,895 --> 00:22:30,328
# HuhI HuhI HuhI HuhI
333
00:22:30,495 --> 00:22:32,167
# NiI NiI NiI NiI NiI NiI NiI
334
00:22:32,335 --> 00:22:33,734
# WhizzI BongI WhizzI BongI
335
00:22:33,895 --> 00:22:35,294
# Mrs GandhiI YahI YahI
336
00:22:35,455 --> 00:22:38,891
# Yeeh-haI Ooh-ahI
MigI MigI NogI NogI BlurrghI
337
00:22:39,055 --> 00:22:40,647
# WurghI BlurghI NyaI NyiI
338
00:22:40,815 --> 00:22:42,726
# YagI NagI WagI WagI BleeeuuurghI
339
00:22:42,895 --> 00:22:44,931
# When your boss
is giving you the sack
340
00:22:45,095 --> 00:22:47,131
# 'Cause you've lost all his invoices
341
00:22:47,295 --> 00:22:49,684
# Don't drink a bottle
of sulphuric acid
342
00:22:49,855 --> 00:22:52,494
# Relax, make stupid noisesI
Just go...
343
00:22:52,655 --> 00:22:54,008
# YoI YoI YoI
344
00:22:54,175 --> 00:22:56,245
# MigI Nig-nogI WoggaI BlllllaI
345
00:22:56,415 --> 00:22:59,134
# Miz-mogI BingI BongI
Yickety-yickety wickI
346
00:22:59,295 --> 00:23:01,525
# OohI FuhI FuhI Nickety-knockI
347
00:23:01,695 --> 00:23:03,367
# WooI BongI Wiggly-wongI
348
00:23:03,535 --> 00:23:07,210
# NooI NooI pigglyI
Nick-nock, big-bock, rheumatism... #
349
00:23:09,975 --> 00:23:12,853
You know,
I have the most terrible craving
350
00:23:13,015 --> 00:23:15,848
for a piece of fried lavatory paper.
351
00:23:17,655 --> 00:23:21,330
Well, too bad.
You finished the last roll last week.
352
00:23:22,815 --> 00:23:27,206
(LAUGHS AWKWARDLY) Is there anything
I can do for you, Vyvyan?
353
00:23:27,375 --> 00:23:30,287
Um... Yeah. Kill yourself.
354
00:23:31,615 --> 00:23:33,446
(LAUGHS)
355
00:23:35,975 --> 00:23:40,765
I was wondering if you'd thought
of a name for your baby yet?
356
00:23:40,935 --> 00:23:43,847
- Shut up or piss off.
- Oh, that's charming!
357
00:23:44,015 --> 00:23:47,690
No, no, those are two names
I'm considering.
358
00:23:47,855 --> 00:23:52,849
They'll be very handy in later life
for getting into fights and things.
359
00:23:53,015 --> 00:23:54,687
Oh! Oh! It's kicking!
360
00:23:57,615 --> 00:23:59,173
Urrrgh!
361
00:24:00,335 --> 00:24:02,974
Oh, Vyvyan... Urrrgh...
362
00:24:04,775 --> 00:24:08,211
Would it be all right
to have a listen?
363
00:24:08,375 --> 00:24:10,730
Yeah, help yourself!
364
00:24:12,055 --> 00:24:13,613
You can hear it kicking!
365
00:24:13,775 --> 00:24:16,494
I can't hear anything. All I can hear...
366
00:24:17,935 --> 00:24:21,814
- That's my boy!
- Help! My bottom's on fire!
367
00:24:23,095 --> 00:24:24,972
That's very public spirited of you, Rick.
368
00:24:27,535 --> 00:24:32,973
(RADIO ) Hello, pC13? Hello, pC13? Cccch.
369
00:24:33,135 --> 00:24:35,695
Hello, pC13? Cccch.
370
00:24:35,855 --> 00:24:37,573
Oh, wow! That's me, right?
371
00:24:37,735 --> 00:24:40,090
Um... Right... Uh...
372
00:24:40,255 --> 00:24:43,725
Cccch! Hello! Uh... Here I am.
373
00:24:43,895 --> 00:24:45,772
What is your location, pC13?
374
00:24:45,935 --> 00:24:50,053
Uh... Cccch!
Well, I'm outside, right,
375
00:24:50,215 --> 00:24:54,686
but like, don't worry, 'cause, like,
everything's really mellow, OK?
376
00:24:54,855 --> 00:24:59,087
68 Bryant Street. Get round there,
smash it up, and arrest everybody.
377
00:24:59,255 --> 00:25:03,089
Right, right. Cccch! OK. Here goes.
378
00:25:08,815 --> 00:25:11,648
(MUSIC)
379
00:25:24,455 --> 00:25:27,288
Open up! It's the pigs!
380
00:25:31,735 --> 00:25:34,044
Open up! It's the pigs!
381
00:25:40,215 --> 00:25:45,164
Uh... What's the matter, man?
I was fast asleep on my bed.
382
00:25:45,335 --> 00:25:48,054
- Oh, hello, Neil, mate!
- Hi, Warlock.
383
00:25:48,215 --> 00:25:51,287
Um, look... Uh... This is a bust.
384
00:25:51,455 --> 00:25:53,923
Oh, nice one, man!
385
00:25:54,095 --> 00:25:56,973
Hey! Don't flush the toilet!
386
00:25:57,135 --> 00:26:00,127
It's cool! It's only Neil!
387
00:26:01,135 --> 00:26:03,695
Hey, where'd you get that gear from?
388
00:26:03,855 --> 00:26:06,244
Oh. Uh...down the police station.
389
00:26:06,415 --> 00:26:09,885
Well, you had me fooled.
I've eaten half my stash.
390
00:26:10,055 --> 00:26:12,250
Warlock, this is very heavy...
391
00:26:12,415 --> 00:26:14,975
No, man.
We've got plenty more inside.
392
00:26:15,135 --> 00:26:18,252
Come in. Take the tit off your head.
393
00:26:21,935 --> 00:26:25,644
Come on in, man.
Hey! Neil's come as Mr. Plod!
394
00:26:26,735 --> 00:26:29,693
Right, listen, everybody.
Go home! It isn't safe!
395
00:26:29,855 --> 00:26:32,574
Take your stashes!
It's not safe!
396
00:26:32,735 --> 00:26:35,169
It's safe.
This house is built on a ley line.
397
00:26:35,335 --> 00:26:37,405
- Says who?
- The wall.
398
00:26:37,575 --> 00:26:41,773
No, listen, Stonehenge...
No, listen, everybody, right.
399
00:26:41,935 --> 00:26:43,846
Listen...
400
00:26:44,015 --> 00:26:45,334
(MUSIC STOPS)
401
00:26:45,495 --> 00:26:49,852
Right, listen...
Oh, no... Steve Hillage.
402
00:26:50,015 --> 00:26:54,691
Anyway, listen, everybody. I don't
want to bring the evening down,
403
00:26:54,855 --> 00:26:58,211
but, like, basically,
you're all under arrest.
404
00:26:59,815 --> 00:27:02,204
Look, everybody.
Look what I've just found.
405
00:27:02,375 --> 00:27:05,014
Hello, Earth. Can you read me?
406
00:27:05,175 --> 00:27:09,054
This is Starship Captain Warlock
from the planet Freakout,
407
00:27:09,215 --> 00:27:14,243
broadcasting on the inter-galactic
airwaves. Can you read me, Earth?
408
00:27:14,415 --> 00:27:17,088
(RADIO ) We receive you.
Do you require assistance?
409
00:27:17,255 --> 00:27:23,091
Far out, man! Uh, yeah, we require
ten assistants...preferably Swedish!
410
00:27:23,255 --> 00:27:24,688
Yeah!
411
00:27:36,215 --> 00:27:39,127
Oh, no!
I should have stuck to rum punch.
412
00:27:41,695 --> 00:27:44,732
(VYVYAN) Four kings, two queens
and an ace.
413
00:27:44,895 --> 00:27:48,854
Royal flush - five aces and a jack.
414
00:27:50,655 --> 00:27:53,806
Look, do we have to keep playing
this game?
415
00:27:53,975 --> 00:27:56,614
Can't we play something
that I'm good at?
416
00:27:56,775 --> 00:28:02,213
- Come on, Rick. What have you got?
- One three.
417
00:28:03,615 --> 00:28:05,685
Damn!
418
00:28:05,855 --> 00:28:07,493
Trousers.
419
00:28:09,215 --> 00:28:13,686
It's strange that people with an R
in their name only get one card.
420
00:28:14,455 --> 00:28:17,970
- I lose every game because of that.
- Trousers!
421
00:28:20,095 --> 00:28:24,247
- Right. Another round?
- All right.
422
00:28:24,415 --> 00:28:28,124
Ow! Neil had better hurry up
with the money!
423
00:28:28,295 --> 00:28:33,733
We've got no food, no heat, no light.
Now I've got a splinter up my bottom!
424
00:28:33,895 --> 00:28:36,455
Don't worry.
I've got everything sorted.
425
00:28:36,615 --> 00:28:39,083
Oh! You've got everything sorted,
have you?
426
00:28:39,255 --> 00:28:43,089
What have you sorted? I suppose
you've arranged for a lorry
427
00:28:43,255 --> 00:28:47,328
loaded with everything we need
to smash through the window?
428
00:28:47,495 --> 00:28:50,089
(BRAKES SCREECH)
429
00:28:53,135 --> 00:28:55,729
- (RICK) Bloody hell!
- Brilliant!
430
00:28:55,895 --> 00:29:00,013
- Sorry! Sorry!
- (MIKE) I don't know what to say.
431
00:29:00,175 --> 00:29:02,643
(DOGS BARK)
432
00:29:10,975 --> 00:29:14,411
- It's a bloody game, eh?
- What is?
433
00:29:15,575 --> 00:29:19,045
- Chess.
- If you have a nosebleed.
434
00:29:20,175 --> 00:29:21,893
(BARKING)
435
00:29:33,655 --> 00:29:36,613
Oh, no. Wrong house.
436
00:29:43,735 --> 00:29:47,728
Yes. That's fine. Thank you, little
old man. Have a large sum of money.
437
00:29:48,735 --> 00:29:50,885
Go away quickly.
438
00:29:51,055 --> 00:29:56,254
- Well, this was a piece of luck.
- Frightfully good fortune. Cigar?
439
00:29:56,415 --> 00:30:00,772
- Don't mind if I do.
- This caviar's great, as well.
440
00:30:00,935 --> 00:30:03,529
- James Bond smokes these.
- Oh, no.
441
00:30:03,695 --> 00:30:08,325
In desperation, the guys have turned
into experienced furniture thieves.
442
00:30:08,495 --> 00:30:12,249
Right! Woo! Woo! Woo!
443
00:30:12,415 --> 00:30:15,373
OK, freeze! This is a raid!
444
00:30:15,535 --> 00:30:17,810
Hi, Neil! Want some champagne?
445
00:30:17,975 --> 00:30:22,412
Button your lip, chummy.
You're on my manor.
446
00:30:22,575 --> 00:30:26,454
- We've tumbled your game.
- Pull up a chaise longue.
447
00:30:26,615 --> 00:30:30,005
There'll be no chaise longues
where you're going, Mikey boy.
448
00:30:30,175 --> 00:30:34,373
- I hope you'll come quietly.
- No. We're coming very noisily.
449
00:30:34,535 --> 00:30:37,493
Yes. (SCREECHES)
450
00:30:37,655 --> 00:30:43,366
Ow! Quick, get the stirrups!
I'm going to have my baby now!
451
00:30:43,535 --> 00:30:45,810
Look what your rough-arm tactics
have done, fascist!
452
00:30:45,975 --> 00:30:50,173
- Quick! Dial 999! Get an ambulance!
- I can't watch this.
453
00:30:50,335 --> 00:30:52,451
(NEIL) Oh, no!
454
00:30:52,615 --> 00:30:55,527
(HUGE, PROLONGED FART)
455
00:30:59,535 --> 00:31:02,413
Quickly, the keys to the handcuffs!
I'm suffocating!
456
00:31:03,415 --> 00:31:05,485
Uh... Keys to handcuffs...
457
00:31:05,655 --> 00:31:08,328
(FARTING CONTINUES)
458
00:31:10,975 --> 00:31:13,045
(FARTING STOPS)
459
00:31:13,215 --> 00:31:16,764
Is it over, then?
Congratulations, Vyv.
460
00:31:16,935 --> 00:31:20,484
- Well, is it a boy or a girl?
- No, Mike! No!