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(THUNDER)
Checkmate...and why not?
Checkmate?!
Hmph!
Bollocks to this!
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(VYVYAN) Why do we have to dig the grave, carry the coffin,
and...everything else?
(NEIL) Well, we are responsible for him being in this position.
(VYVYAN) Liberal!
(RICK) You should have heard me earlier.
I made these fabulous jokes about the undertaker measuring my stiffie!
I thought we should have some floral tribute,
but all I found was this carrot, so I borrowed Rick's Biro...
You rented it, and you still haven't paid!
..and I wrote, ''Sorry about everything being a bummer,
''what, with you dying and everything. Still, things could be worse.
''You could've been me and had a bad time all the time.''
That's very touching, Neil.
When my hamster finds out you've nicked his carrot, he'll kill you.
Was it SPG's? I didn't know he ate carrots.
He doesn't eat carrots, Neil.
He sticks them down his underpants to impress the girls.
(VYVYAN) Wait a minute! We've missed the grave.
Neil. Neil. Move the spade.
- Do you dig graves? - Yeah, they're all right. Yeah.
I'm so glad. I think they're wonderful!
(SLURS) Hello. I... I'm the vicar.
You'd better be, or you'd look a right girlie in that dress.
Right. Anyone tell the stiffie joke?
Yes. Rick has.
Well, forget about that. Come on, let's get it over with.
Oh, bloody hell...
Crikey, it's a bit early for that, isn't it?
My God, you're right!
Better get some of this down me before I have any of that.
Right, now, um... Where are we? Ashes to ashes....
(SINGS) Funk to funky
We know Major Tom's a junkie...
Shut up!
(RICK) Help! I've fallen into a grave!
Brilliant! Let's fill it in!
No! No! We can't bury Rick alive!
That's absolutely correct, Neil. We'd better kill him first!
- Hold it! - Stop. Who dug this grave?
- Where'd you get this gear? - We dig the graves here.
If any graves are dug on these premises, they get dug...
What's this camera? Is this ''Game For A Laugh?''
Have you killed someone as a prank?
(RICK) No, now bugger off! This is a serious funeral!
Anyone told the stiffie joke yet?
- (ALL) Yes! - So, go away!
No, come on. Tell us what's going on.
Well, it's a long story...
Neil! The bathroom's free! Unlike the country under the Thatcherite junta!
- What are you doing, Neil? - Queuing.
- How long have you been there? - 30 years.
You've been listening, haven't you, Neil?
Listening to what I've been doing in the bath!
Is that how you get your kicks, you pervy?
I wasn't listening. Anyway, what were you doing?
- Nothing. - Well, then.
Anyway, Neil, we all know what you get up to in there,
so don't go spilling the beans.
- What do you know about the beans? - Everything.
- What beans? - Oh. Nothing.
Ha-ha-ha. No beans! No...
Listen, I can't stand here
being subjected to your revolting innuendoes!
- Do you want this bathwater? - Uh...
You've no choice. There's no more hot water.
Well, it's a bit cloudy, Rick.
Well, Vyvyan had the bath before me, and Mike had it before him,
and it's left over from the bath you had last Tuesday.
So stop being picky. That's your filth!
I hate bath night.
Oh, well. Here goes.
(SQUELCH)
- It's a bit cold. - Come off it. Where's your spunk?
Right. That's it. ''Your video is now ready for use.
''Insert cassette...
''Rewind to beginning of tape, and press Play.
- ''Happy viewing!'' - Ha-ha!
They wouldn't say that if they knew what video we've got! Right.
I don't call this a new era in televisual entertainment.
I call it very, very dull.
You must have gone wrong.
Maybe you shouldn't have poured washing-up liquid into it.
It says here, ''Ensure machine is clean and free from dust.''
It don't say, ''Ensure the machine is full of washing-up liquid.''
It doesn't say, ''Ensure the machine ISN'T full of washing-up liquid.''
Well, it wouldn't. It doesn't say, ''Don't chop up your video
''and bung it down the lavatory.''
Doesn't it? Maybe that's what's going wrong!
Vyv! Put it down! That's worth £500. I'm minding it for Harry the Bastard.
Who's he? A gangster?
No, he's the bloke that works at Rumbelows.
Neil, is it really necessary to have the light on?
Well...yeah.
Why? Are you planning to photosynthesize?
We all pay for the electricity, you know?
Vyvyan! I know you're in my bedroom
preparing one of your desperately adult practical jokes,
so anything ghastly that happens to me isn't funny,
because I know it's going to happen, so the joke's on you.
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Vyvyan?
Strange. Maybe he's ill.
What's that?
Oh, wow! It's my bike! I was wondering where that was!
Ha! Try getting out of that, so-called Vyvyan!
- What's that thumping? - Probably Rick doing some reading.
- Maybe oil will help. - The video or Rick's bedspread?
- Oh! Have we got a video? - Yes, we've got a video!
Hello, Rick!
Mike, listen... I've just boarded up Vyvyan in his bedroom. (SNORTS)
He'll get a shock when he gets up for his tutorial.
Well, I think that should do it.
Vyvyan! You utter bastard! Why aren't you in your bed?
- I'm not going to bed tonight. - What do you mean? How dare you?
I board up your bedroom, and you haven't the decency to be there!
Don't worry. It wouldn't have worked, anyway.
- And why not, pray? - I swapped rooms with Neil.
- What? - I had to. I was sick over my bed.
Listen, young man. You go up to Neil's room,
pull the planks off the door, go into your room, and nail yourself in!
- Why aren't you going to bed? - Michael and I are indulging
in an all-night orgy of sex and violence!
- In the drawing room? - Yeah.
First, it's ''Sex With The Headless Corpse And The Virgin Astronaut''.
Urgh! Won't the carpet get awfully sticky?
It's a video nasty!
It's a carpet, farty!
We can't get the bastard to work.
- I'm not surprised if he's dead. - The video.
Oh! Have we got a video?
Yes, we've got a video!
Where did you get it from?
Look, I know this guy...
(HOWLING)
- You borrowed it? - More or less.
At the rental shop, you can get one on trial.
Yeah, so I slid down and had a word...
Slid back, got his birth certificate...
Forged my signature, and Bob's your auntie's lover.
- Except that they've given us a dud! - Give me this!
Vyvyan, this is for a toaster!
(HOWLING)
(GASPING)
(SCREAMS IN AGONY)
Shut the door, will you?
Some people always have to make a dramatic entrance, don't they?
- What's the matter this time? - I think he's been shot.
- You know what that means? - You're stacked?
No. I'm going to have to shut the door myself.
He's bleeding. I've just washed this floor!
- Let go. - What's the matter?
- He's muttering. - Maybe he's apologising.
You've gotta go to Geneva tonight!
347 Rue de la Carrier. Ask...for...Alec...Guinness!
- Hold on. Give us some paper. - Use that!
- You had the ace the whole time? - Not that one...
- Hurry! - I'm not made of paper!
- I'm not a cheque! - (LAUGHS) That's very good.
- I saw a comedian do it. - What's he called?
- Hurry! - Harry! That's it!
- Harry Secombe! - Too short.
- Get the paper! - It won't be in the paper.
- It was on last week! - Go to Geneva!
Western civilisation depends upon it!
I know that, but I've got a good hand here.
Anyway, how will I get to the airport? Who'll pay for the ticket?
Give me that paper. What's the message?
- What's the message? - He's dead.
- How do you spell it? - He's dead.
Look, Steve, I'm going to contact England.
They're going to have solve this question once and for all.
Haven't you done it?
- Give us a chance. - We've made some toast.
(PHONE RINGS)
Lordy, lordy! Who can be phoning at this hour?
Well, maybe someone's just died.
You mean one of our relatives? Yes, perhaps so.
Neil! Telephone!
What? Oh, wow. I must have dozed off.
It's really dark in here.
Where's the light switch?
Aaaah!
- Press the button! - I am pressing the button!
You're doing it wrong! You're supposed to use your hand!
What? Like this?
Hello?
What? You'll have to speak up.
I don't know. I'll ask.
Hey, guys! Do you know the name of a short comedian? Harry something?
- (All) Yes. - Yes, we do.
Neil, you're filthy. Have a bath.
I've just had one. It's amazing how dirty you get answering the phone.
Hey, everybody, listen. It was probably a dirty phone call!
Rick, shut up or I'll kill you!
Oh, touché, Vyvyan. What devastating repartee.
- Talk about Oscar Wilde. - All right.
Oscar Wilde was a British writer, persecuted for his homosexuality...
Shut up, Neil! Shut up!
- Oh, yeah. Be like that, Rick! - Be like what exactly, Neil?
Be a complete and utter drag, and bring everything down.
What? You mean like your trousers?
Don't you dare say that! Flares are coming back in!
- I read it in my horoscope. - How dare he say that?
- Smash his face in! - I'm not into violence,
- but I'm gonna smash your face in! - God! No!
Neil! How are you keeping that flowerpot up?
- Why won't this sodding video work? - Vyvyan!
Hey! I've just had a revolutionary idea!
Let's raise a people's army and seize power!
Oh, no! The front door's exploded.
- Vyvyan! - Vyvyan!
Vyvyan, Vyvyan, Vyvyan!
Honestly! Whenever anything explodes in this house, it's always ''Blame Vyvyan''!
- Well, who should we blame? - Thatcher!
No. Blame whoever rang the doorbell.
They obviously triggered the bomb I set up.
What bomb?
I was worried that we wouldn't hear the doorbell, so I pepped it up.
Well, I call it totally irresponsible!
Fancy ringing the doorbell at this time of night!
Hey, I bet they'll be shocked to find us still up.
Cough! Cough! Splutter!
Cor, an exploding front door!
Stone the crows! The missus will never believe this 'un.
- What do you want? - I have a parcel
for a Mr J. Balowski, special delivery.
- Piss off, postie! - Sign here! Much obliged, I'm sure!
And now...
Here is...your...package!
(TRICKLE OF APPLAUSE)
Thank you.
(CHEERING)
(RAPTUROUS APPLAUSE AND WHISTLES)
(pOSTMAN) How was that, paul? Was I all right?
A package from the Transvaal! How strange...
(pOSTMAN) One should do comedy straight or it just isn't funny.
(SHOUTS) A package from the Transvaal! I wonder what it can be?
It's probably a consignment of very hard drugs.
Why does it say fragile, then?
Ah. Er, that's probably Transvaalian for ''very hard drugs''.
(pOSTMAN) When I was in the Rep, Larry said to me,
''Excuse me, do you have change for the phone?''
''Darling, '' I said, 'you don't need to change for the phoneI''
(SCREAMS) Will you shut up, please?
Little squirt. He does one advert and he thinks he's Dustin Hoffman.
Where was I?
- By the door. - No, before that.
I've got to stop sniffing this Ajax!
All right, everybody in the house, listen to me!
We're talking about the video.
Yeah, shut up, Neil. We've got videos to talk about, haven't we?
Everybody listen, because I've got something to tell you all,
which I think you'll find really interesting.
Neil, why are you wearing that dress?
- That's what I'm talking about. - We don't want to know.
Yes. Who wants to hear about a dress?
- Well, I do. - I'm wearing this dress, right,
because some negative vibe merchant has boarded up my bedroom. So...
Well, that's sorted out. Back to the video.
So I couldn't get any clothes,
which I needed, because I was, like, nude,
so I went into Rick's bedroom, right,
and all I could find clothes-wise, right, was this dress.
Ah. Um...
Ha-ha-ha... (SNORTS)
Oh! Oh! Oh!
So you've taken to snooping around people's bedrooms, Neil?
Grubbing about and planting evidence of transvestisism
to topple me from my position of most popular flatmate!
Well, I've never seen that dress before.
- It's got your name on it. - Yeah!
Oh, God! Look, it's not mine! What would I want with a dress?
It's not... I've got money. Here...
- Let's tell the pigs. - Yeah!
I don't like being negative, but no.
If the police come, they'll grab our nasties.
What?!
- The videos. - Have we got a video?
If anyone else asks that, I'll stick their head through the window.
Vyv, have we got a video?
Right. Come this way, Neil.
Sideways on.
Thank you.
I still don't understand. Does that mean we've got one or not?
Oh, God!
I'm finding everything really confusing today...
(SEA SHANTY MUSIC)
Transported for life to the colonies, and for what?
Scum I was to them. 'Tis for my accent that I am condemned.
'Tis for the want of better graces that I am to board this prison hulk.
And all those murders you done.
- Aged and toothless old crone... - How'd you know my name?
We wish to engage you as ship's cook and concubine.
Oh, yeah? What's a concubine, then?
- It's a small, spiky mammal. - No, that's a hedgehog.
Then, we wish to engage you as ship's cook and hedgehog.
Well, say goodbye to Merrie England. It's Australia for us.
Quite looking forward, really.
My son and daughter-in-law went out about six years ago.
I haven't even seen the baby.
- Must be nearly four by now. - That's nice.
What? Oh, too much! Oh, can I have a go on it, guys?
- Go, on, please? - All right, but don't break it.
Because at the moment, Neil, it's in absolute, complete working order.
Yes, so if you press the button and it doesn't work,
that means you've got to pay.
- £500. - Yeah. Anything. Anything.
Oh, wow! Yeah!
It's not plugged in.
This doesn't reach. Have we got an extension?
- Yeah, the kitchen. - No, a lead. It doesn't reach.
Oh, God!
Oh, if the mountain won't come to Mohammed, smash up the drawing room.
That's very Buddhist, isn't it?!
Right.
That's brilliant, Neil. It's working.
Stay right there, Neil. That's fabulous.
(SCREAMING)
(GASPS)
What's it to be first, then, dear?
Head in a vice? Knitting needle in the ear?
Or red-hot poker up the jacksie?
Thank goodness I've brought along my favourite painkiller.
What? Painaway?
Yes, Painaway.
In my busy life as a working mum, nursery school teacher,
and anguished soul cast into the pit for all eternity,
sometimes I get those headachy pains,
that strange washed-out feeling that you just can't explain.
She's talking about period pains.
So, next time you get those pains,
I recommend a hysterectomy, and it'll be gone in no time.
# OuchI That's better. painawayI #
(WAILS)
- Neil! - I was watching that, you bastard!
Neil, I'm sick of you and all you stand for!
Look!
Greetings from South Africa.
- (All) Aaaaah! - A vampire!
- In a parcel! - In the kitchen!
Hate mail! What are we going to do?
Only pop music can save us now!
# Catch the tide at the flood
# My TVscreen is seeped in blood
# My walls, my floors, all red, too
# The night is coming after you...
(SCREECHES) Excuse me, can I use the toilet? Thank you.
# Cry the innocent screams of pain
# He's coming for you again and again
# There's no escape, there's no way out
# Catch, catch the horror taxi
# I fell in love with a video nasty
# Catch, catch the horror train
# Freeze frame gonna drive you insane...
(WHISTLES)
# The axe is sharp and the blade is keen
# Creature feature spills from the screen
# Shadows fall and all is gloom
# You're not so safe in the safety of your room
# All I want is to make a killing
# To drill and kill, that might be really thrilling
# Why are my victims so unwilling?
# You can be sure that you won't see me
# Careful with that axeI
Stay right there! I've got a crucifix and I'm not afraid to use it!
Yeah, take it easy! You're messing with the big boys now!
No, this is some kind of misunderstanding!
I'm not a vampire. I'm a driving instructor...from Johannesburg!
# I fell in love with a video nasty
# Catch, catch the horror train
# Freeze frame gonna drive you insane
# Catch, catch the horror taxi
# I fell in love with a video nasty
# Catch, catch the horror train
# Freeze frame gonna drive you insane
# Catch, catch the horror taxi
# I fell in love with a video nasty
# Catch, catch the horror train #
A driving instructor from Johannesburg?
- Prove it! - (VAMPIRE) How?
What don't you do in a box junction?
You should never enter, unless your exit is clear.
Ah, true. What's the procedure for the approach of a humpback bridge?
You should slow down and check in both rear view mirrors.
If nobody is behind, rip out a virgin's throat...
A-ha! Gotcha! Gotcha! Gotcha!
Driving instructor, my bottom! You're a vampire. There's no denying it!
Oh, Outspan!
Neil, what exactly does ''messing with the big boys'' entail?
Uh, this.
The Battersea Dogs' Home won't take him.
Hey! Try the Doggersea Bats' Home.
- Don't be flippant, Rick. - No, listen...
- Don't be flippant! - Forget it!
This is actually very serious!
- What will we do? - We'll bite him to death!
You can't bite me! I'm South African!
I know! Let's lock him in the toilet!
- We have. - Oh. Good idea, wasn't it?
Mike, what if we want to spend a penny?
- He'll see us, won't he? - I know... Got it! Peter Cushing!
- We drive a stake through his heart! - I'll get the car!
I'll get a cushion.
Oh, no! We haven't got a steak, just this vegetarian sausage.
Right. Where's the stake?
(SCREECHES)
It's rubbish, this, isn't it, eh?
All the way from the Transvaal by post
to end up in a filthy, horrible toilet in a television studio.
I mean, people think telly's great, you know, but it's dead boring.
They're all dull, and they talk about me behind me back!
- I hate him. - He drinks like a fish.
- He's got no talent. - Alexei who?
But the worst thing is I'm a Marxist comedian,
but since I've been doing television,
a lot of Marxist friends have accused me of selling out.
They make me march at the back on demos.
They sell the Socialist Worker, and I have to sell the TV Times.
So I'd like to take this opportunity
to assure you all, comrades, that honest to God, I have not sold out.
Anyway, around about now, I usually have a Pot Noodle.
Yes, it's a tasty... Mmm! Doesn't that look good!
It's a tasty delicious little snack! Mmm! Let's try some, shall we?
Oh, doesn't that look absolutely yumscious?
Let's try some, shall we?
(GROWLS)
The vampire's escaped from the toilet!
I don't see what the fuss is about. Vampires only attack virgins.
Yeah, I'm not worried for myself, Vyv.
- It's Rick and Neil. - What? Me? Rick? A virgin?
(LAUGHS) Try telling that to some of the foxy chicks who owe me favours.
If Rick's not a virgin, I'm not either.
We'll soon find out, won't we? 'Cause the vampire's gonna know.
If anybody gets attacked, then we'll know that they're a sissy virgin.
God. I hope snogging with SPG counts.
He's gonna turn us into vampires! We'll all be dead, yet still alive...
like Leonard Cohen!
He's bound to bite me first. I'm obviously the most succulent.
Right. Mister Vampire!
Mister Vampire! Don't bite me. I'm horrid!
I'm covered in acne. Bite Neil! He's strawberry flavored!
(WAILING)
OK, there's only one way out. We've got to lose our virginity...now!
But how, Mike? Oh, no!
- Bags not Rick! - Bags not Vyv!
Bags not...Neil.
(THUNDER)
OK! Who's first?
- What a choice! - Quick! Out the window!
Oh, no! I forgot about the time difference
between here and Johannesburg!
(SCREAMS)
Quick! Nail him in!
Thank heavens for Habitat sofa-coffins!
So, in fact, all four of us have stayed up for the entire night!
Now that's what I call anarchy!
We never did watch the video.
- Have you got a video? - Yes, we've got a video!
- I only asked! - The video!
If it's not back by half past nine, we'll owe £500!
- What time is it? - (ALL) Half past nine!
(RICK SCREAMS)
Fooled you all! Cor, blimey!
You fell for the oldest trick in the book, the old strange parcel routine.
And you were completely taken in by my South African accent.
Oh, really? I thought you were Australian like David Bowie.
- In fact... - (ALL) Harry the Bastard!
The very same. And you owe me 500 quid!
(All) Well, what a complete bastard!
..twenty-seven, twenty-seven, twenty-seven...
Why don't you piss off, Death?
..it is irrelevant.
(SCREAM)