0
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Shared by http://DJJ.HOME.SAPO.PT/
1
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(THUNDER)
2
00:00:04,815 --> 00:00:08,251
Checkmate...and why not?
3
00:00:11,615 --> 00:00:13,845
Checkmate?!
4
00:00:14,015 --> 00:00:16,210
Hmph!
5
00:00:16,375 --> 00:00:18,650
Bollocks to this!
6
00:00:25,175 --> 00:00:27,564
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
7
00:01:21,775 --> 00:01:25,973
(VYVYAN) Why do we have to
dig the grave, carry the coffin,
8
00:01:26,135 --> 00:01:27,966
and...everything else?
9
00:01:28,135 --> 00:01:31,684
(NEIL) Well, we are responsible
for him being in this position.
10
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(VYVYAN) Liberal!
11
00:01:33,335 --> 00:01:36,133
(RICK)
You should have heard me earlier.
12
00:01:36,295 --> 00:01:41,449
I made these fabulous jokes about
the undertaker measuring my stiffie!
13
00:01:44,055 --> 00:01:46,967
I thought we should have
some floral tribute,
14
00:01:47,135 --> 00:01:51,526
but all I found was this carrot,
so I borrowed Rick's Biro...
15
00:01:51,695 --> 00:01:54,926
You rented it,
and you still haven't paid!
16
00:01:55,095 --> 00:01:58,531
..and I wrote, ''Sorry about
everything being a bummer,
17
00:01:58,695 --> 00:02:02,813
''what, with you dying and everything.
Still, things could be worse.
18
00:02:02,975 --> 00:02:07,685
''You could've been me
and had a bad time all the time.''
19
00:02:07,855 --> 00:02:09,368
That's very touching, Neil.
20
00:02:09,535 --> 00:02:13,687
When my hamster finds out
you've nicked his carrot, he'll kill you.
21
00:02:13,855 --> 00:02:17,131
Was it SPG's?
I didn't know he ate carrots.
22
00:02:17,295 --> 00:02:19,172
He doesn't eat carrots, Neil.
23
00:02:19,335 --> 00:02:22,884
He sticks them down his underpants
to impress the girls.
24
00:02:25,095 --> 00:02:28,167
(VYVYAN) Wait a minute!
We've missed the grave.
25
00:02:41,495 --> 00:02:44,487
Neil. Neil. Move the spade.
26
00:02:47,775 --> 00:02:51,814
- Do you dig graves?
- Yeah, they're all right. Yeah.
27
00:02:51,975 --> 00:02:55,570
I'm so glad.
I think they're wonderful!
28
00:02:58,535 --> 00:03:00,810
(SLURS) Hello. I... I'm the vicar.
29
00:03:00,975 --> 00:03:05,332
You'd better be, or you'd look
a right girlie in that dress.
30
00:03:07,335 --> 00:03:10,213
Right. Anyone tell the stiffie joke?
31
00:03:10,375 --> 00:03:11,933
Yes. Rick has.
32
00:03:12,095 --> 00:03:16,293
Well, forget about that.
Come on, let's get it over with.
33
00:03:16,455 --> 00:03:18,446
Oh, bloody hell...
34
00:03:18,615 --> 00:03:20,526
Crikey, it's a bit early for that,
isn't it?
35
00:03:22,815 --> 00:03:24,373
My God, you're right!
36
00:03:26,135 --> 00:03:29,605
Better get some of this down me
before I have any of that.
37
00:03:33,215 --> 00:03:37,003
Right, now, um... Where are we?
Ashes to ashes....
38
00:03:37,175 --> 00:03:38,494
(SINGS) Funk to funky
39
00:03:38,655 --> 00:03:41,408
We know Major Tom's a junkie...
40
00:03:41,575 --> 00:03:42,894
Shut up!
41
00:03:45,615 --> 00:03:47,651
(RICK)
Help! I've fallen into a grave!
42
00:03:47,815 --> 00:03:50,010
Brilliant! Let's fill it in!
43
00:03:50,175 --> 00:03:53,531
No! No! We can't bury Rick alive!
44
00:03:53,695 --> 00:03:57,529
That's absolutely correct, Neil.
We'd better kill him first!
45
00:03:57,695 --> 00:04:01,688
- Hold it!
- Stop. Who dug this grave?
46
00:04:01,855 --> 00:04:05,894
- Where'd you get this gear?
- We dig the graves here.
47
00:04:06,055 --> 00:04:09,968
If any graves are dug
on these premises, they get dug...
48
00:04:10,135 --> 00:04:14,492
What's this camera?
Is this ''Game For A Laugh?''
49
00:04:14,655 --> 00:04:16,771
Have you killed someone as a prank?
50
00:04:16,935 --> 00:04:21,008
(RICK) No, now bugger off!
This is a serious funeral!
51
00:04:21,175 --> 00:04:24,053
Anyone told the stiffie joke yet?
52
00:04:24,215 --> 00:04:27,127
- (ALL) Yes!
- So, go away!
53
00:04:27,295 --> 00:04:30,093
No, come on. Tell us what's going on.
54
00:04:30,255 --> 00:04:33,327
Well, it's a long story...
55
00:04:39,375 --> 00:04:43,493
Neil! The bathroom's free! Unlike
the country under the Thatcherite junta!
56
00:04:45,375 --> 00:04:48,412
- What are you doing, Neil?
- Queuing.
57
00:04:48,575 --> 00:04:51,328
- How long have you been there?
- 30 years.
58
00:04:52,215 --> 00:04:54,285
You've been listening,
haven't you, Neil?
59
00:04:54,455 --> 00:04:57,970
Listening to what
I've been doing in the bath!
60
00:04:58,135 --> 00:05:01,172
Is that how you get your kicks,
you pervy?
61
00:05:01,335 --> 00:05:03,803
I wasn't listening.
Anyway, what were you doing?
62
00:05:03,975 --> 00:05:06,205
- Nothing.
- Well, then.
63
00:05:06,375 --> 00:05:10,653
Anyway, Neil, we all know
what you get up to in there,
64
00:05:10,815 --> 00:05:13,283
so don't go spilling the beans.
65
00:05:13,455 --> 00:05:16,606
- What do you know about the beans?
- Everything.
66
00:05:20,415 --> 00:05:22,929
- What beans?
- Oh. Nothing.
67
00:05:23,095 --> 00:05:25,893
Ha-ha-ha. No beans! No...
68
00:05:29,055 --> 00:05:30,852
Listen, I can't stand here
69
00:05:31,015 --> 00:05:33,768
being subjected
to your revolting innuendoes!
70
00:05:33,935 --> 00:05:36,165
- Do you want this bathwater?
- Uh...
71
00:05:36,335 --> 00:05:39,168
You've no choice.
There's no more hot water.
72
00:05:39,335 --> 00:05:41,610
Well, it's a bit cloudy, Rick.
73
00:05:44,535 --> 00:05:49,370
Well, Vyvyan had the bath before me,
and Mike had it before him,
74
00:05:49,535 --> 00:05:53,369
and it's left over
from the bath you had last Tuesday.
75
00:05:53,535 --> 00:05:56,572
So stop being picky.
That's your filth!
76
00:05:57,415 --> 00:05:59,690
I hate bath night.
77
00:06:00,735 --> 00:06:02,453
Oh, well. Here goes.
78
00:06:02,615 --> 00:06:04,287
(SQUELCH)
79
00:06:06,255 --> 00:06:10,612
- It's a bit cold.
- Come off it. Where's your spunk?
80
00:06:13,815 --> 00:06:17,808
Right. That's it.
''Your video is now ready for use.
81
00:06:17,975 --> 00:06:20,011
''Insert cassette...
82
00:06:21,055 --> 00:06:25,651
''Rewind to beginning of tape,
and press Play.
83
00:06:25,815 --> 00:06:27,726
- ''Happy viewing!''
- Ha-ha!
84
00:06:27,895 --> 00:06:33,094
They wouldn't say that if they knew
what video we've got! Right.
85
00:06:39,415 --> 00:06:42,612
I don't call this a new era
in televisual entertainment.
86
00:06:42,775 --> 00:06:45,687
I call it very, very dull.
87
00:06:45,855 --> 00:06:48,050
You must have gone wrong.
88
00:06:48,215 --> 00:06:50,445
Maybe you shouldn't have poured
washing-up liquid into it.
89
00:06:50,615 --> 00:06:56,565
It says here, ''Ensure machine
is clean and free from dust.''
90
00:06:57,615 --> 00:07:00,732
It don't say, ''Ensure the machine
is full of washing-up liquid.''
91
00:07:00,895 --> 00:07:05,013
It doesn't say, ''Ensure the machine
ISN'T full of washing-up liquid.''
92
00:07:05,175 --> 00:07:09,453
Well, it wouldn't. It doesn't say,
''Don't chop up your video
93
00:07:09,615 --> 00:07:12,049
''and bung it down the lavatory.''
94
00:07:12,215 --> 00:07:14,649
Doesn't it?
Maybe that's what's going wrong!
95
00:07:14,815 --> 00:07:20,014
Vyv! Put it down! That's worth £500.
I'm minding it for Harry the Bastard.
96
00:07:20,175 --> 00:07:22,131
Who's he? A gangster?
97
00:07:22,295 --> 00:07:25,173
No, he's the bloke
that works at Rumbelows.
98
00:07:28,175 --> 00:07:31,929
Neil, is it really necessary
to have the light on?
99
00:07:33,095 --> 00:07:34,414
Well...yeah.
100
00:07:34,575 --> 00:07:37,373
Why? Are you planning
to photosynthesize?
101
00:07:39,775 --> 00:07:42,847
We all pay for the electricity, you know?
102
00:07:43,895 --> 00:07:46,455
Vyvyan! I know you're in my bedroom
103
00:07:46,615 --> 00:07:50,005
preparing one of your desperately
adult practical jokes,
104
00:07:50,175 --> 00:07:53,451
so anything ghastly
that happens to me isn't funny,
105
00:07:53,615 --> 00:07:57,130
because I know it's going to happen,
so the joke's on you.
106
00:08:00,575 --> 00:08:03,009
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
107
00:08:05,895 --> 00:08:07,533
Vyvyan?
108
00:08:17,775 --> 00:08:20,812
Strange. Maybe he's ill.
109
00:08:55,255 --> 00:08:56,847
What's that?
110
00:08:59,815 --> 00:09:04,013
Oh, wow! It's my bike!
I was wondering where that was!
111
00:09:05,615 --> 00:09:10,086
Ha! Try getting out of that,
so-called Vyvyan!
112
00:09:10,255 --> 00:09:14,726
- What's that thumping?
- Probably Rick doing some reading.
113
00:09:14,895 --> 00:09:19,411
- Maybe oil will help.
- The video or Rick's bedspread?
114
00:09:19,575 --> 00:09:23,124
- Oh! Have we got a video?
- Yes, we've got a video!
115
00:09:36,815 --> 00:09:38,453
Hello, Rick!
116
00:09:39,975 --> 00:09:45,686
Mike, listen... I've just boarded up
Vyvyan in his bedroom. (SNORTS)
117
00:09:45,855 --> 00:09:49,450
He'll get a shock
when he gets up for his tutorial.
118
00:09:49,615 --> 00:09:51,412
Well, I think that should do it.
119
00:09:52,855 --> 00:09:57,531
Vyvyan! You utter bastard!
Why aren't you in your bed?
120
00:09:57,695 --> 00:10:03,452
- I'm not going to bed tonight.
- What do you mean? How dare you?
121
00:10:03,615 --> 00:10:07,847
I board up your bedroom, and you
haven't the decency to be there!
122
00:10:08,015 --> 00:10:10,654
Don't worry.
It wouldn't have worked, anyway.
123
00:10:10,815 --> 00:10:14,524
- And why not, pray?
- I swapped rooms with Neil.
124
00:10:14,695 --> 00:10:19,007
- What?
- I had to. I was sick over my bed.
125
00:10:20,135 --> 00:10:22,854
Listen, young man.
You go up to Neil's room,
126
00:10:23,015 --> 00:10:28,043
pull the planks off the door,
go into your room, and nail yourself in!
127
00:10:28,215 --> 00:10:32,208
- Why aren't you going to bed?
- Michael and I are indulging
128
00:10:32,375 --> 00:10:36,573
in an all-night orgy
of sex and violence!
129
00:10:36,735 --> 00:10:38,293
- In the drawing room?
- Yeah.
130
00:10:38,455 --> 00:10:42,164
First, it's ''Sex With The Headless
Corpse And The Virgin Astronaut''.
131
00:10:44,135 --> 00:10:47,605
Urgh!
Won't the carpet get awfully sticky?
132
00:10:47,775 --> 00:10:50,448
It's a video nasty!
133
00:10:50,615 --> 00:10:53,004
It's a carpet, farty!
134
00:10:54,255 --> 00:10:56,530
We can't get the bastard to work.
135
00:10:56,695 --> 00:10:59,493
- I'm not surprised if he's dead.
- The video.
136
00:10:59,655 --> 00:11:01,805
Oh! Have we got a video?
137
00:11:01,975 --> 00:11:05,251
Yes, we've got a video!
138
00:11:05,415 --> 00:11:08,407
Where did you get it from?
139
00:11:08,575 --> 00:11:10,884
Look, I know this guy...
140
00:11:11,055 --> 00:11:12,727
(HOWLING)
141
00:11:12,895 --> 00:11:15,284
- You borrowed it?
- More or less.
142
00:11:15,455 --> 00:11:18,925
At the rental shop,
you can get one on trial.
143
00:11:19,095 --> 00:11:22,167
Yeah, so I slid down
and had a word...
144
00:11:22,335 --> 00:11:24,974
Slid back,
got his birth certificate...
145
00:11:25,135 --> 00:11:27,888
Forged my signature,
and Bob's your auntie's lover.
146
00:11:28,055 --> 00:11:32,446
- Except that they've given us a dud!
- Give me this!
147
00:11:32,615 --> 00:11:35,493
Vyvyan, this is for a toaster!
148
00:11:35,655 --> 00:11:37,850
(HOWLING)
149
00:11:38,855 --> 00:11:40,846
(GASPING)
150
00:11:48,175 --> 00:11:50,086
(SCREAMS IN AGONY)
151
00:11:51,815 --> 00:11:53,453
Shut the door, will you?
152
00:11:53,615 --> 00:11:56,971
Some people always have to make
a dramatic entrance, don't they?
153
00:11:58,775 --> 00:12:02,814
- What's the matter this time?
- I think he's been shot.
154
00:12:03,935 --> 00:12:07,245
- You know what that means?
- You're stacked?
155
00:12:07,415 --> 00:12:10,487
No. I'm going to
have to shut the door myself.
156
00:12:17,415 --> 00:12:20,293
He's bleeding.
I've just washed this floor!
157
00:12:20,455 --> 00:12:22,173
- Let go.
- What's the matter?
158
00:12:22,335 --> 00:12:26,408
- He's muttering.
- Maybe he's apologising.
159
00:12:26,575 --> 00:12:28,645
You've gotta go to Geneva tonight!
160
00:12:28,815 --> 00:12:34,048
347 Rue de la Carrier.
Ask...for...Alec...Guinness!
161
00:12:34,215 --> 00:12:37,127
- Hold on. Give us some paper.
- Use that!
162
00:12:37,295 --> 00:12:41,254
- You had the ace the whole time?
- Not that one...
163
00:12:41,415 --> 00:12:44,327
- Hurry!
- I'm not made of paper!
164
00:12:44,495 --> 00:12:48,693
- I'm not a cheque!
- (LAUGHS) That's very good.
165
00:12:48,855 --> 00:12:52,609
- I saw a comedian do it.
- What's he called?
166
00:12:52,775 --> 00:12:54,493
- Hurry!
- Harry! That's it!
167
00:12:54,655 --> 00:12:57,089
- Harry Secombe!
- Too short.
168
00:12:57,255 --> 00:13:01,646
- Get the paper!
- It won't be in the paper.
169
00:13:01,815 --> 00:13:04,283
- It was on last week!
- Go to Geneva!
170
00:13:04,455 --> 00:13:08,368
Western civilisation depends upon it!
171
00:13:10,815 --> 00:13:14,603
I know that,
but I've got a good hand here.
172
00:13:14,775 --> 00:13:17,926
Anyway, how will I get to the airport?
Who'll pay for the ticket?
173
00:13:19,055 --> 00:13:22,445
Give me that paper.
What's the message?
174
00:13:22,615 --> 00:13:24,207
- What's the message?
- He's dead.
175
00:13:24,375 --> 00:13:27,048
- How do you spell it?
- He's dead.
176
00:13:30,815 --> 00:13:34,524
Look, Steve, I'm going
to contact England.
177
00:13:34,695 --> 00:13:37,493
They're going to have solve
this question once and for all.
178
00:13:41,855 --> 00:13:43,413
Haven't you done it?
179
00:13:43,575 --> 00:13:46,453
- Give us a chance.
- We've made some toast.
180
00:13:47,615 --> 00:13:50,368
(PHONE RINGS)
181
00:13:50,535 --> 00:13:54,130
Lordy, lordy!
Who can be phoning at this hour?
182
00:13:54,295 --> 00:13:56,206
Well, maybe someone's just died.
183
00:13:56,375 --> 00:13:59,731
You mean one of our relatives?
Yes, perhaps so.
184
00:14:01,255 --> 00:14:03,644
Neil! Telephone!
185
00:14:04,735 --> 00:14:08,614
What? Oh, wow. I must have dozed off.
186
00:14:09,815 --> 00:14:12,045
It's really dark in here.
187
00:14:13,455 --> 00:14:15,366
Where's the light switch?
188
00:14:15,535 --> 00:14:17,730
Aaaah!
189
00:14:17,895 --> 00:14:21,444
- Press the button!
- I am pressing the button!
190
00:14:21,615 --> 00:14:24,971
You're doing it wrong!
You're supposed to use your hand!
191
00:14:25,135 --> 00:14:27,012
What? Like this?
192
00:14:37,695 --> 00:14:39,447
Hello?
193
00:14:39,615 --> 00:14:42,175
What? You'll have to speak up.
194
00:14:42,335 --> 00:14:44,485
I don't know. I'll ask.
195
00:14:44,655 --> 00:14:49,206
Hey, guys! Do you know the name
of a short comedian? Harry something?
196
00:14:49,375 --> 00:14:52,526
- (All) Yes.
- Yes, we do.
197
00:14:55,375 --> 00:14:57,366
Neil, you're filthy. Have a bath.
198
00:14:58,215 --> 00:15:03,414
I've just had one. It's amazing how
dirty you get answering the phone.
199
00:15:03,575 --> 00:15:07,773
Hey, everybody, listen.
It was probably a dirty phone call!
200
00:15:08,455 --> 00:15:10,730
Rick, shut up or I'll kill you!
201
00:15:10,895 --> 00:15:14,331
Oh, touché, Vyvyan.
What devastating repartee.
202
00:15:14,495 --> 00:15:17,407
- Talk about Oscar Wilde.
- All right.
203
00:15:17,575 --> 00:15:21,648
Oscar Wilde was a British writer,
persecuted for his homosexuality...
204
00:15:22,295 --> 00:15:26,004
Shut up, Neil! Shut up!
205
00:15:26,175 --> 00:15:31,295
- Oh, yeah. Be like that, Rick!
- Be like what exactly, Neil?
206
00:15:31,455 --> 00:15:34,765
Be a complete and utter drag,
and bring everything down.
207
00:15:34,935 --> 00:15:38,245
What? You mean like your trousers?
208
00:15:38,415 --> 00:15:41,851
Don't you dare say that!
Flares are coming back in!
209
00:15:42,015 --> 00:15:46,293
- I read it in my horoscope.
- How dare he say that?
210
00:15:46,455 --> 00:15:49,527
- Smash his face in!
- I'm not into violence,
211
00:15:49,695 --> 00:15:54,564
- but I'm gonna smash your face in!
- God! No!
212
00:15:54,735 --> 00:15:56,248
Neil! How are you keeping
that flowerpot up?
213
00:16:01,095 --> 00:16:04,007
- Why won't this sodding video work?
- Vyvyan!
214
00:16:04,175 --> 00:16:07,008
Hey! I've just had
a revolutionary idea!
215
00:16:07,175 --> 00:16:10,053
Let's raise a people's army
and seize power!
216
00:16:14,935 --> 00:16:18,166
Oh, no! The front door's exploded.
217
00:16:20,015 --> 00:16:21,892
- Vyvyan!
- Vyvyan!
218
00:16:22,695 --> 00:16:24,925
Vyvyan, Vyvyan, Vyvyan!
219
00:16:25,095 --> 00:16:30,613
Honestly! Whenever anything explodes
in this house, it's always ''Blame Vyvyan''!
220
00:16:30,775 --> 00:16:33,972
- Well, who should we blame?
- Thatcher!
221
00:16:34,135 --> 00:16:36,444
No.
Blame whoever rang the doorbell.
222
00:16:36,615 --> 00:16:39,368
They obviously triggered
the bomb I set up.
223
00:16:41,335 --> 00:16:42,654
What bomb?
224
00:16:42,815 --> 00:16:48,014
I was worried that we wouldn't hear
the doorbell, so I pepped it up.
225
00:16:48,175 --> 00:16:50,530
Well, I call it totally irresponsible!
226
00:16:50,695 --> 00:16:54,370
Fancy ringing the doorbell
at this time of night!
227
00:16:54,535 --> 00:16:59,006
Hey, I bet they'll be shocked
to find us still up.
228
00:17:00,655 --> 00:17:03,374
Cough! Cough! Splutter!
229
00:17:03,535 --> 00:17:06,891
Cor, an exploding front door!
230
00:17:07,055 --> 00:17:12,527
Stone the crows! The missus
will never believe this 'un.
231
00:17:14,535 --> 00:17:18,369
- What do you want?
- I have a parcel
232
00:17:18,535 --> 00:17:23,928
for a Mr J. Balowski,
special delivery.
233
00:17:24,095 --> 00:17:30,284
- Piss off, postie!
- Sign here! Much obliged, I'm sure!
234
00:17:30,455 --> 00:17:32,286
And now...
235
00:17:32,455 --> 00:17:37,051
Here is...your...package!
236
00:17:46,335 --> 00:17:48,565
(TRICKLE OF APPLAUSE)
237
00:17:48,735 --> 00:17:50,088
Thank you.
238
00:17:50,255 --> 00:17:51,608
(CHEERING)
239
00:17:51,775 --> 00:17:54,573
(RAPTUROUS APPLAUSE AND WHISTLES)
240
00:18:07,215 --> 00:18:11,254
(pOSTMAN)
How was that, paul? Was I all right?
241
00:18:11,415 --> 00:18:14,532
A package from the Transvaal!
How strange...
242
00:18:14,695 --> 00:18:19,371
(pOSTMAN) One should do comedy
straight or it just isn't funny.
243
00:18:19,535 --> 00:18:24,051
(SHOUTS) A package from the Transvaal!
I wonder what it can be?
244
00:18:24,215 --> 00:18:28,447
It's probably a consignment
of very hard drugs.
245
00:18:28,615 --> 00:18:30,651
Why does it say fragile, then?
246
00:18:30,815 --> 00:18:35,764
Ah. Er, that's probably Transvaalian
for ''very hard drugs''.
247
00:18:35,935 --> 00:18:40,008
(pOSTMAN) When I was in the Rep,
Larry said to me,
248
00:18:40,175 --> 00:18:43,724
''Excuse me,
do you have change for the phone?''
249
00:18:43,895 --> 00:18:48,013
''Darling, '' I said, 'you don't need
to change for the phoneI''
250
00:18:48,175 --> 00:18:51,167
(SCREAMS) Will you shut up, please?
251
00:18:51,335 --> 00:18:56,125
Little squirt. He does one advert
and he thinks he's Dustin Hoffman.
252
00:18:56,295 --> 00:18:58,172
Where was I?
253
00:18:58,335 --> 00:19:00,246
- By the door.
- No, before that.
254
00:19:02,815 --> 00:19:04,851
I've got to stop sniffing this Ajax!
255
00:19:08,015 --> 00:19:12,327
All right, everybody in the house,
listen to me!
256
00:19:12,495 --> 00:19:14,531
We're talking about the video.
257
00:19:14,695 --> 00:19:18,927
Yeah, shut up, Neil. We've got videos
to talk about, haven't we?
258
00:19:19,095 --> 00:19:22,690
Everybody listen, because
I've got something to tell you all,
259
00:19:22,855 --> 00:19:25,653
which I think you'll find
really interesting.
260
00:19:25,815 --> 00:19:28,454
Neil, why are you wearing that dress?
261
00:19:28,615 --> 00:19:32,244
- That's what I'm talking about.
- We don't want to know.
262
00:19:32,415 --> 00:19:35,327
Yes. Who wants to hear
about a dress?
263
00:19:35,495 --> 00:19:39,010
- Well, I do.
- I'm wearing this dress, right,
264
00:19:39,175 --> 00:19:45,125
because some negative vibe merchant
has boarded up my bedroom. So...
265
00:19:45,295 --> 00:19:48,332
Well, that's sorted out.
Back to the video.
266
00:19:48,495 --> 00:19:50,645
So I couldn't get any clothes,
267
00:19:50,815 --> 00:19:53,693
which I needed,
because I was, like, nude,
268
00:19:53,855 --> 00:19:56,528
so I went into Rick's bedroom, right,
269
00:19:56,695 --> 00:20:02,372
and all I could find clothes-wise,
right, was this dress.
270
00:20:04,215 --> 00:20:06,285
Ah. Um...
271
00:20:06,455 --> 00:20:08,844
Ha-ha-ha... (SNORTS)
272
00:20:10,895 --> 00:20:13,125
Oh! Oh! Oh!
273
00:20:13,295 --> 00:20:16,367
So you've taken to snooping around
people's bedrooms, Neil?
274
00:20:16,535 --> 00:20:19,447
Grubbing about and planting evidence
of transvestisism
275
00:20:19,615 --> 00:20:23,324
to topple me from my position
of most popular flatmate!
276
00:20:23,495 --> 00:20:26,692
Well, I've never seen
that dress before.
277
00:20:26,855 --> 00:20:29,574
- It's got your name on it.
- Yeah!
278
00:20:30,175 --> 00:20:34,248
Oh, God! Look, it's not mine!
What would I want with a dress?
279
00:20:34,415 --> 00:20:37,487
It's not... I've got money. Here...
280
00:20:37,655 --> 00:20:40,294
- Let's tell the pigs.
- Yeah!
281
00:20:40,455 --> 00:20:42,923
I don't like being negative, but no.
282
00:20:43,095 --> 00:20:45,768
If the police come,
they'll grab our nasties.
283
00:20:45,935 --> 00:20:47,254
What?!
284
00:20:47,415 --> 00:20:50,452
- The videos.
- Have we got a video?
285
00:20:50,615 --> 00:20:55,086
If anyone else asks that, I'll stick
their head through the window.
286
00:20:55,575 --> 00:20:58,294
Vyv, have we got a video?
287
00:20:58,455 --> 00:21:01,527
Right. Come this way, Neil.
288
00:21:07,935 --> 00:21:10,005
Sideways on.
289
00:21:10,175 --> 00:21:11,654
Thank you.
290
00:21:16,615 --> 00:21:21,643
I still don't understand.
Does that mean we've got one or not?
291
00:21:21,815 --> 00:21:23,134
Oh, God!
292
00:21:23,295 --> 00:21:25,490
I'm finding everything
really confusing today...
293
00:21:25,655 --> 00:21:28,089
(SEA SHANTY MUSIC)
294
00:21:33,135 --> 00:21:36,571
Transported for life to the colonies,
and for what?
295
00:21:36,735 --> 00:21:42,367
Scum I was to them. 'Tis for
my accent that I am condemned.
296
00:21:42,535 --> 00:21:48,053
'Tis for the want of better graces
that I am to board this prison hulk.
297
00:21:48,215 --> 00:21:50,888
And all those murders you done.
298
00:21:51,055 --> 00:21:55,651
- Aged and toothless old crone...
- How'd you know my name?
299
00:21:55,815 --> 00:21:59,285
We wish to engage you
as ship's cook and concubine.
300
00:21:59,455 --> 00:22:02,367
Oh, yeah? What's a concubine, then?
301
00:22:02,535 --> 00:22:07,563
- It's a small, spiky mammal.
- No, that's a hedgehog.
302
00:22:07,735 --> 00:22:11,569
Then, we wish to engage you
as ship's cook and hedgehog.
303
00:22:12,295 --> 00:22:17,210
Well, say goodbye to Merrie England.
It's Australia for us.
304
00:22:18,455 --> 00:22:20,650
Quite looking forward, really.
305
00:22:21,815 --> 00:22:25,569
My son and daughter-in-law
went out about six years ago.
306
00:22:25,735 --> 00:22:28,408
I haven't even seen the baby.
307
00:22:30,375 --> 00:22:33,606
- Must be nearly four by now.
- That's nice.
308
00:22:36,015 --> 00:22:40,645
What? Oh, too much!
Oh, can I have a go on it, guys?
309
00:22:40,815 --> 00:22:45,093
- Go, on, please?
- All right, but don't break it.
310
00:22:45,255 --> 00:22:49,726
Because at the moment, Neil, it's
in absolute, complete working order.
311
00:22:49,895 --> 00:22:53,968
Yes, so if you press the button
and it doesn't work,
312
00:22:54,135 --> 00:22:56,046
that means you've got to pay.
313
00:22:56,215 --> 00:22:58,604
- £500.
- Yeah. Anything. Anything.
314
00:22:58,775 --> 00:23:01,130
Oh, wow! Yeah!
315
00:23:02,255 --> 00:23:04,405
It's not plugged in.
316
00:23:07,935 --> 00:23:10,403
This doesn't reach.
Have we got an extension?
317
00:23:10,575 --> 00:23:14,363
- Yeah, the kitchen.
- No, a lead. It doesn't reach.
318
00:23:14,535 --> 00:23:16,207
Oh, God!
319
00:23:26,295 --> 00:23:30,686
Oh, if the mountain won't come to
Mohammed, smash up the drawing room.
320
00:23:30,855 --> 00:23:32,846
That's very Buddhist, isn't it?!
321
00:23:33,455 --> 00:23:34,968
Right.
322
00:23:36,775 --> 00:23:38,891
That's brilliant, Neil. It's working.
323
00:23:39,055 --> 00:23:40,966
Stay right there, Neil.
That's fabulous.
324
00:23:43,975 --> 00:23:45,294
(SCREAMING)
325
00:23:46,655 --> 00:23:48,293
(GASPS)
326
00:23:52,455 --> 00:23:55,128
What's it to be first, then, dear?
327
00:23:55,295 --> 00:24:00,130
Head in a vice?
Knitting needle in the ear?
328
00:24:00,295 --> 00:24:02,855
Or red-hot poker up the jacksie?
329
00:24:04,095 --> 00:24:07,405
Thank goodness I've brought along
my favourite painkiller.
330
00:24:07,575 --> 00:24:10,487
What? Painaway?
331
00:24:10,655 --> 00:24:12,611
Yes, Painaway.
332
00:24:12,775 --> 00:24:16,563
In my busy life as a working mum,
nursery school teacher,
333
00:24:16,735 --> 00:24:20,205
and anguished soul cast into the pit
for all eternity,
334
00:24:20,375 --> 00:24:23,367
sometimes I get those headachy pains,
335
00:24:23,535 --> 00:24:27,847
that strange washed-out feeling
that you just can't explain.
336
00:24:28,015 --> 00:24:31,564
She's talking about period pains.
337
00:24:31,735 --> 00:24:34,533
So, next time you get those pains,
338
00:24:34,695 --> 00:24:38,608
I recommend a hysterectomy,
and it'll be gone in no time.
339
00:24:39,895 --> 00:24:43,092
# OuchI That's better.
painawayI #
340
00:24:45,655 --> 00:24:48,249
(WAILS)
341
00:24:49,135 --> 00:24:52,571
- Neil!
- I was watching that, you bastard!
342
00:24:52,735 --> 00:24:56,045
Neil, I'm sick of you
and all you stand for!
343
00:24:56,215 --> 00:24:57,728
Look!
344
00:24:58,815 --> 00:25:01,090
Greetings from South Africa.
345
00:25:01,255 --> 00:25:03,325
- (All) Aaaaah!
- A vampire!
346
00:25:03,495 --> 00:25:05,406
- In a parcel!
- In the kitchen!
347
00:25:05,575 --> 00:25:08,533
Hate mail!
What are we going to do?
348
00:25:08,695 --> 00:25:11,653
Only pop music can save us now!
349
00:25:30,055 --> 00:25:33,445
# Catch the tide at the flood
350
00:25:33,615 --> 00:25:36,607
# My TVscreen is seeped in blood
351
00:25:36,775 --> 00:25:40,245
# My walls, my floors, all red, too
352
00:25:40,415 --> 00:25:43,487
# The night is coming after you...
353
00:25:46,855 --> 00:25:52,851
(SCREECHES) Excuse me,
can I use the toilet? Thank you.
354
00:25:53,015 --> 00:25:56,132
# Cry the innocent screams of pain
355
00:25:56,295 --> 00:25:59,526
# He's coming for you again and again
356
00:25:59,695 --> 00:26:02,334
# There's no escape,
there's no way out
357
00:26:06,175 --> 00:26:08,814
# Catch, catch the horror taxi
358
00:26:08,975 --> 00:26:11,967
# I fell in love with a video nasty
359
00:26:12,135 --> 00:26:14,888
# Catch, catch the horror train
360
00:26:15,055 --> 00:26:18,650
# Freeze frame
gonna drive you insane...
361
00:26:18,815 --> 00:26:20,771
(WHISTLES)
362
00:26:25,255 --> 00:26:28,611
# The axe is sharp
and the blade is keen
363
00:26:28,775 --> 00:26:31,892
# Creature feature spills
from the screen
364
00:26:32,055 --> 00:26:35,172
# Shadows fall and all is gloom
365
00:26:36,535 --> 00:26:41,450
# You're not so safe
in the safety of your room
366
00:26:41,615 --> 00:26:44,527
# All I want is to make a killing
367
00:26:44,695 --> 00:26:47,892
# To drill and kill,
that might be really thrilling
368
00:26:48,055 --> 00:26:51,172
# Why are my victims so unwilling?
369
00:26:51,335 --> 00:26:55,044
# You can be sure
that you won't see me
370
00:26:57,655 --> 00:26:59,532
# Careful with that axeI
371
00:27:00,375 --> 00:27:04,812
Stay right there! I've got a crucifix
and I'm not afraid to use it!
372
00:27:04,975 --> 00:27:09,491
Yeah, take it easy!
You're messing with the big boys now!
373
00:27:10,175 --> 00:27:12,643
No, this is some kind
of misunderstanding!
374
00:27:12,815 --> 00:27:18,811
I'm not a vampire. I'm a driving
instructor...from Johannesburg!
375
00:27:18,975 --> 00:27:22,206
# I fell in love with a video nasty
376
00:27:22,375 --> 00:27:25,447
# Catch, catch the horror train
377
00:27:25,615 --> 00:27:28,925
# Freeze frame gonna drive you insane
378
00:27:29,095 --> 00:27:32,371
# Catch, catch the horror taxi
379
00:27:32,535 --> 00:27:35,652
# I fell in love with a video nasty
380
00:27:35,815 --> 00:27:39,171
# Catch, catch the horror train
381
00:27:39,335 --> 00:27:42,566
# Freeze frame gonna drive you insane
382
00:27:42,735 --> 00:27:45,727
# Catch, catch the horror taxi
383
00:27:45,895 --> 00:27:49,046
# I fell in love with a video nasty
384
00:27:49,215 --> 00:27:52,571
# Catch, catch the horror train #
385
00:27:52,735 --> 00:27:55,533
A driving instructor
from Johannesburg?
386
00:27:55,695 --> 00:27:57,333
- Prove it!
- (VAMPIRE) How?
387
00:27:57,495 --> 00:28:00,248
What don't you do in a box junction?
388
00:28:00,415 --> 00:28:04,647
You should never enter,
unless your exit is clear.
389
00:28:04,815 --> 00:28:10,048
Ah, true. What's the procedure for
the approach of a humpback bridge?
390
00:28:10,215 --> 00:28:14,254
You should slow down
and check in both rear view mirrors.
391
00:28:14,415 --> 00:28:17,964
If nobody is behind,
rip out a virgin's throat...
392
00:28:18,135 --> 00:28:20,205
A-ha! Gotcha! Gotcha! Gotcha!
393
00:28:20,375 --> 00:28:24,732
Driving instructor, my bottom!
You're a vampire. There's no denying it!
394
00:28:24,895 --> 00:28:27,250
Oh, Outspan!
395
00:28:28,255 --> 00:28:32,533
Neil, what exactly does
''messing with the big boys'' entail?
396
00:28:33,655 --> 00:28:35,725
Uh, this.
397
00:28:37,375 --> 00:28:39,013
The Battersea Dogs' Home
won't take him.
398
00:28:39,175 --> 00:28:41,814
Hey! Try the Doggersea Bats' Home.
399
00:28:41,975 --> 00:28:44,569
- Don't be flippant, Rick.
- No, listen...
400
00:28:44,735 --> 00:28:47,010
- Don't be flippant!
- Forget it!
401
00:28:49,575 --> 00:28:52,043
This is actually very serious!
402
00:28:56,175 --> 00:29:00,134
- What will we do?
- We'll bite him to death!
403
00:29:00,855 --> 00:29:03,528
You can't bite me! I'm South African!
404
00:29:04,295 --> 00:29:06,934
I know! Let's lock him in the toilet!
405
00:29:07,095 --> 00:29:11,407
- We have.
- Oh. Good idea, wasn't it?
406
00:29:11,575 --> 00:29:15,124
Mike, what if we want
to spend a penny?
407
00:29:15,295 --> 00:29:20,528
- He'll see us, won't he?
- I know... Got it! Peter Cushing!
408
00:29:20,695 --> 00:29:24,927
- We drive a stake through his heart!
- I'll get the car!
409
00:29:25,095 --> 00:29:26,414
I'll get a cushion.
410
00:29:30,855 --> 00:29:36,964
Oh, no! We haven't got a steak,
just this vegetarian sausage.
411
00:29:40,255 --> 00:29:42,371
Right. Where's the stake?
412
00:29:42,535 --> 00:29:44,207
(SCREECHES)
413
00:29:45,215 --> 00:29:47,171
It's rubbish, this, isn't it, eh?
414
00:29:47,335 --> 00:29:50,213
All the way
from the Transvaal by post
415
00:29:50,375 --> 00:29:55,608
to end up in a filthy, horrible
toilet in a television studio.
416
00:29:55,775 --> 00:30:01,088
I mean, people think telly's great,
you know, but it's dead boring.
417
00:30:01,255 --> 00:30:05,533
They're all dull, and they talk
about me behind me back!
418
00:30:05,695 --> 00:30:08,573
- I hate him.
- He drinks like a fish.
419
00:30:08,735 --> 00:30:11,124
- He's got no talent.
- Alexei who?
420
00:30:11,295 --> 00:30:14,810
But the worst thing
is I'm a Marxist comedian,
421
00:30:14,975 --> 00:30:17,170
but since I've been doing television,
422
00:30:17,335 --> 00:30:20,964
a lot of Marxist friends
have accused me of selling out.
423
00:30:21,135 --> 00:30:24,491
They make me march
at the back on demos.
424
00:30:24,655 --> 00:30:29,410
They sell the Socialist Worker,
and I have to sell the TV Times.
425
00:30:29,575 --> 00:30:31,884
So I'd like to take this opportunity
426
00:30:32,055 --> 00:30:37,254
to assure you all, comrades, that
honest to God, I have not sold out.
427
00:30:38,255 --> 00:30:43,124
Anyway, around about now,
I usually have a Pot Noodle.
428
00:30:44,415 --> 00:30:47,805
Yes, it's a tasty...
Mmm! Doesn't that look good!
429
00:30:47,975 --> 00:30:52,685
It's a tasty delicious little snack!
Mmm! Let's try some, shall we?
430
00:30:52,855 --> 00:30:55,574
Oh, doesn't that
look absolutely yumscious?
431
00:30:55,735 --> 00:30:57,771
Let's try some, shall we?
432
00:30:57,935 --> 00:30:59,527
(GROWLS)
433
00:31:01,695 --> 00:31:04,163
The vampire's escaped
from the toilet!
434
00:31:04,335 --> 00:31:09,967
I don't see what the fuss is about.
Vampires only attack virgins.
435
00:31:12,055 --> 00:31:15,047
Yeah, I'm not worried
for myself, Vyv.
436
00:31:15,215 --> 00:31:19,333
- It's Rick and Neil.
- What? Me? Rick? A virgin?
437
00:31:19,495 --> 00:31:25,092
(LAUGHS) Try telling that to some
of the foxy chicks who owe me favours.
438
00:31:25,255 --> 00:31:27,894
If Rick's not a virgin,
I'm not either.
439
00:31:28,055 --> 00:31:32,128
We'll soon find out, won't we?
'Cause the vampire's gonna know.
440
00:31:32,295 --> 00:31:37,528
If anybody gets attacked, then we'll
know that they're a sissy virgin.
441
00:31:38,695 --> 00:31:42,051
God. I hope snogging with SPG counts.
442
00:31:42,215 --> 00:31:47,335
He's gonna turn us into vampires!
We'll all be dead, yet still alive...
443
00:31:47,495 --> 00:31:49,611
like Leonard Cohen!
444
00:31:50,295 --> 00:31:54,129
He's bound to bite me first.
I'm obviously the most succulent.
445
00:31:54,295 --> 00:31:56,206
Right. Mister Vampire!
446
00:31:56,375 --> 00:31:59,412
Mister Vampire!
Don't bite me. I'm horrid!
447
00:31:59,575 --> 00:32:02,806
I'm covered in acne.
Bite Neil! He's strawberry flavored!
448
00:32:02,975 --> 00:32:04,408
(WAILING)
449
00:32:04,575 --> 00:32:09,251
OK, there's only one way out.
We've got to lose our virginity...now!
450
00:32:09,415 --> 00:32:11,610
But how, Mike? Oh, no!
451
00:32:11,775 --> 00:32:15,131
- Bags not Rick!
- Bags not Vyv!
452
00:32:15,295 --> 00:32:17,934
Bags not...Neil.
453
00:32:18,095 --> 00:32:20,131
(THUNDER)
454
00:32:20,295 --> 00:32:22,684
OK! Who's first?
455
00:32:22,855 --> 00:32:26,211
- What a choice!
- Quick! Out the window!
456
00:32:29,455 --> 00:32:32,015
Oh, no! I forgot
about the time difference
457
00:32:32,175 --> 00:32:35,053
between here and Johannesburg!
458
00:32:35,215 --> 00:32:37,445
(SCREAMS)
459
00:32:41,535 --> 00:32:42,934
Quick! Nail him in!
460
00:32:48,535 --> 00:32:50,605
Thank heavens
for Habitat sofa-coffins!
461
00:32:56,895 --> 00:33:01,764
So, in fact, all four of us
have stayed up for the entire night!
462
00:33:01,935 --> 00:33:04,893
Now that's what I call anarchy!
463
00:33:05,055 --> 00:33:07,364
We never did watch the video.
464
00:33:07,535 --> 00:33:13,292
- Have you got a video?
- Yes, we've got a video!
465
00:33:13,455 --> 00:33:16,094
- I only asked!
- The video!
466
00:33:16,255 --> 00:33:20,009
If it's not back
by half past nine, we'll owe £500!
467
00:33:20,175 --> 00:33:23,406
- What time is it?
- (ALL) Half past nine!
468
00:33:24,255 --> 00:33:25,574
(RICK SCREAMS)
469
00:33:25,735 --> 00:33:27,612
Fooled you all! Cor, blimey!
470
00:33:27,775 --> 00:33:32,087
You fell for the oldest trick in the book,
the old strange parcel routine.
471
00:33:32,255 --> 00:33:36,168
And you were completely taken in
by my South African accent.
472
00:33:36,335 --> 00:33:40,169
Oh, really? I thought
you were Australian like David Bowie.
473
00:33:40,335 --> 00:33:44,726
- In fact...
- (ALL) Harry the Bastard!
474
00:33:44,895 --> 00:33:48,649
The very same.
And you owe me 500 quid!
475
00:33:48,815 --> 00:33:52,285
(All) Well, what a complete bastard!
476
00:34:16,535 --> 00:34:19,971
..twenty-seven,
twenty-seven, twenty-seven...
477
00:34:23,535 --> 00:34:26,891
Why don't you piss off, Death?
478
00:34:38,295 --> 00:34:40,286
..it is irrelevant.
479
00:34:49,975 --> 00:34:51,294
(SCREAM)