0 00:00:00,105 --> 00:00:02,600 Shared by http://DJJ.HOME.SAPO.PT/ 1 00:00:02,735 --> 00:00:05,124 # Once in every lifetime 2 00:00:05,295 --> 00:00:07,855 # Comes a love like this 3 00:00:08,015 --> 00:00:10,370 # Oh, I need you, you need me 4 00:00:10,535 --> 00:00:12,810 # Oh, my darling, can't you see? 5 00:00:12,975 --> 00:00:14,966 # Young ones 6 00:00:15,135 --> 00:00:18,047 # Darling, we're the young ones 7 00:00:18,215 --> 00:00:20,365 # The young ones 8 00:00:20,535 --> 00:00:23,447 (RICK) # Shouldn't be afraid 9 00:00:23,615 --> 00:00:26,766 # To live, love 10 00:00:26,935 --> 00:00:28,766 # There's a song to be sung 11 00:00:28,935 --> 00:00:32,769 # 'Cause we may not be the young ones very long # 12 00:00:36,775 --> 00:00:41,326 (IN HARMONY) Aaaaah. 13 00:00:41,495 --> 00:00:44,055 (MUSIC: ''TWIST AND SHOUT'') 14 00:00:48,015 --> 00:00:50,688 Feel better, you bastard! 15 00:00:57,975 --> 00:01:00,045 (RASPING BLOW) 16 00:01:01,175 --> 00:01:05,009 Will you stop making that revolting noise, Vyvyan? 17 00:01:05,175 --> 00:01:08,611 You know I'm ill. You're only making me feel worse! 18 00:01:08,775 --> 00:01:13,326 You're ill?! I'm the one who's ill. Listen... 19 00:01:13,495 --> 00:01:15,247 (COUGHS) 20 00:01:16,935 --> 00:01:21,690 Nobody feels worse than me, and your shouting's not helping, Rick! 21 00:01:21,855 --> 00:01:25,006 Oh, stop whining, Neil! 22 00:01:25,175 --> 00:01:28,451 God, you're practically brain-dead as it is. 23 00:01:28,615 --> 00:01:31,732 A pathetic little cold won't make much difference! 24 00:01:31,895 --> 00:01:35,444 You're probably not ill anyway, just lying to impress us! 25 00:01:35,615 --> 00:01:39,767 Oh, yeah? How come I'm all hot and sweaty, then? 26 00:01:39,935 --> 00:01:43,723 Well, I think we'd rather not go into that! 27 00:01:43,895 --> 00:01:48,366 Will you two shut up? I'm trying to be ill! 28 00:01:48,535 --> 00:01:53,131 Oh, God! There's nothing left to wipe my nose on. 29 00:01:53,295 --> 00:01:58,005 - Even SPG's all covered in snot. - Oh, too true. 30 00:02:00,935 --> 00:02:02,812 (RASPING BLOW) 31 00:02:02,975 --> 00:02:06,251 (NEIL) Vyvyan, shut up! You're giving me tunnel vision! 32 00:02:06,415 --> 00:02:09,771 (RICK) Stop shouting, Neil! 33 00:02:09,935 --> 00:02:13,974 - Stop shouting yourself! - I am not shouting! 34 00:02:14,135 --> 00:02:17,810 - Yes, you are! - I bloody well am not! 35 00:02:17,975 --> 00:02:21,012 If you want to hear shouting, this is it! 36 00:02:21,175 --> 00:02:23,530 (SCREECHES HYSTERICALLY) 37 00:02:23,695 --> 00:02:28,246 It's funny, but being ill makes me lose my usual tolerant 38 00:02:28,415 --> 00:02:31,452 and easy-going approach to communal living. 39 00:02:38,375 --> 00:02:42,573 Oh, well, how ruddy considerate, Vyvyan. Thank you very much! 40 00:02:42,735 --> 00:02:46,171 Yeah, thanks, Vyv. That bomb's really cleared my sinuses. 41 00:02:47,295 --> 00:02:50,367 - Why aren't you dead? - I'm not discussing it. 42 00:02:50,535 --> 00:02:54,574 You'll be hearing from my solicitors. I'm writing to my M.P. 43 00:02:54,735 --> 00:02:56,885 But you're an anarchist. 44 00:02:57,055 --> 00:03:01,924 Ah. Well, then I shall write to Echo and the Bunnymen! 45 00:03:02,095 --> 00:03:03,528 (KNOCK) 46 00:03:03,695 --> 00:03:06,334 - What's this? - A fish, Mike. 47 00:03:06,495 --> 00:03:07,894 Oh, thanks. 48 00:03:09,815 --> 00:03:14,206 - ''Dear Mr Echo...'' - Why did I do that? 49 00:03:14,375 --> 00:03:17,572 Oh, beginning to regret it, are you? 50 00:03:17,735 --> 00:03:22,411 Of course I am. That was nearly a full bottle of vodka! 51 00:03:22,575 --> 00:03:25,328 That's £7.99 you owe me, ploppy pants. 52 00:03:26,135 --> 00:03:31,209 Oh, stop being so blinking bourjoisie! 53 00:03:31,375 --> 00:03:34,253 All property is theft, Vyvyan. 54 00:03:34,415 --> 00:03:36,849 All right, then. Where's your girlie purse? 55 00:03:37,015 --> 00:03:38,494 (KNOCK) 56 00:03:38,655 --> 00:03:43,206 I didn't finish my sentence. What's this fish doing in my bed? 57 00:03:43,375 --> 00:03:45,809 It's not in your bed, Mike. 58 00:03:45,975 --> 00:03:48,648 Oh, yeah. Right. Thanks, Vyv. 59 00:03:49,815 --> 00:03:53,694 - Ha-ha! Found it! - Put that back! That's my property! 60 00:03:53,855 --> 00:03:57,325 - You said all property is theft. - Well, yes... 61 00:03:57,495 --> 00:04:01,044 - So, I'm nicking it. - Stop! Thief! Thief! 62 00:04:01,215 --> 00:04:04,810 Thieves rush in where angels fear to tread. 63 00:04:04,975 --> 00:04:07,569 No, it's fools, Neil. Fools. 64 00:04:07,735 --> 00:04:10,044 Thieves rush in where fools fear to tread. 65 00:04:10,215 --> 00:04:12,888 Yes! Andy Williams said that! 66 00:04:13,055 --> 00:04:16,650 - Alexander Pope! - You're a little snob, aren't you? 67 00:04:16,815 --> 00:04:19,852 Wimp! Pervert! Knob-end! 68 00:04:20,015 --> 00:04:25,806 Oh, Vyvyan, what repartee! Sticks and stones may break my bones! 69 00:04:25,975 --> 00:04:30,048 Well, that's the first sensible thing you've said all day. 70 00:04:33,415 --> 00:04:34,973 (KNOCK) 71 00:04:35,135 --> 00:04:39,333 OK, I've got it. What's this fish doing in my bed? 72 00:04:39,495 --> 00:04:41,133 (ALL) What fish? 73 00:04:42,055 --> 00:04:45,047 - Oh... Sorry. - That's OK, Mike. 74 00:04:46,975 --> 00:04:48,374 (KNOCK) 75 00:04:48,535 --> 00:04:50,526 - Just one more thing... - A-choo! 76 00:04:54,495 --> 00:04:57,089 - Has any one got a tissue? - A-choo! 77 00:04:58,095 --> 00:05:01,292 - Stop it, Neil! - I can't stop. A-choo! 78 00:05:02,735 --> 00:05:04,054 A-choo! 79 00:05:07,295 --> 00:05:10,924 - A-choo! - Quick, Vyvyan! The pillowcase! 80 00:05:11,975 --> 00:05:15,047 A-choo! A-choo! 81 00:05:15,215 --> 00:05:18,332 OK! Russell Harty! 82 00:05:24,735 --> 00:05:27,693 A-choo! 83 00:05:27,855 --> 00:05:30,767 Quick, stick his head out the window. 84 00:05:44,615 --> 00:05:47,129 (SCREAMS) 85 00:05:56,535 --> 00:06:01,655 - Ooh! Excuse me, did you throw that? - Yeah! Good shot, wasn't it? 86 00:06:06,015 --> 00:06:08,245 (TYRES SCREECH) 87 00:06:13,135 --> 00:06:15,968 That's a bit extreme. Won't he suffocate? 88 00:06:16,135 --> 00:06:18,330 Very probably, Michael, 89 00:06:18,495 --> 00:06:21,965 but we've got to keep the bogeys off the wall. 90 00:06:22,135 --> 00:06:24,126 A-choo! 91 00:06:25,215 --> 00:06:31,211 Euurgh! Oh, wow! It's really horrible in here. 92 00:06:31,375 --> 00:06:35,334 Why did you have to use Rick's laundry bag? 93 00:06:35,495 --> 00:06:38,407 Oh, well, there's gratitude for you! 94 00:06:38,575 --> 00:06:42,454 It's me who'll have snotty undies for the next two terms. 95 00:06:42,615 --> 00:06:45,812 It's me they're going to be calling ''Bogey Bum'' 96 00:06:45,975 --> 00:06:50,253 at the next Friends of Stalin Society ''Show Your Bottom'' competition. 97 00:06:50,415 --> 00:06:51,734 A-choo! 98 00:06:51,895 --> 00:06:55,774 I couldn't find any needles. We'll have to use six-inch nails. 99 00:06:56,575 --> 00:06:59,885 Vyvyan, you can't do acupuncture with six-inch nails. 100 00:07:00,055 --> 00:07:04,048 You better think of something. This bag's getting really full. A-choo! 101 00:07:04,215 --> 00:07:07,764 - I'm going to the chemist. - To get some medicine? 102 00:07:07,935 --> 00:07:11,166 - No, I fancy the girl there. - In that case, 103 00:07:11,335 --> 00:07:15,169 could you get something to clean the toilet with? 104 00:07:15,335 --> 00:07:19,214 - (RICK AND VYVYAN) What?! - I don't think so. 105 00:07:19,375 --> 00:07:23,368 You can't clean the toilet, Neil. It'll lose all its character. 106 00:07:24,335 --> 00:07:29,170 We never clean the toilet, Neil. That's what being a student is about! 107 00:07:29,335 --> 00:07:31,690 No way, Harpic! No way, Dot! 108 00:07:32,855 --> 00:07:35,813 All that Blue Loo scene is for squares. 109 00:07:35,975 --> 00:07:39,285 One thing's certain. When Cliff Richard wrote ''Wired for Sound'', 110 00:07:39,455 --> 00:07:43,289 no way was he sitting on a clean lavatory. 111 00:07:43,455 --> 00:07:48,131 He was living on the limit, like me. Where bleach is for your hair! 112 00:07:48,295 --> 00:07:51,651 Living on Limits? Are you on a diet? 113 00:07:52,975 --> 00:07:55,887 No, I live on the limit, Vyvyan. 114 00:07:56,055 --> 00:07:59,252 I'm a rider at the gates of dawn and I take no prisoners. 115 00:08:02,695 --> 00:08:04,765 I don't know what Neil's on about. Hey! 116 00:08:05,775 --> 00:08:09,290 That's cannibalism. I'd better get some Domestos. 117 00:08:09,455 --> 00:08:12,015 What's Domestos? (BELCHES) 118 00:08:25,495 --> 00:08:27,531 It's this communal street life 119 00:08:27,695 --> 00:08:30,334 that the high-rise block is destroying. 120 00:08:36,335 --> 00:08:39,407 # Father wears his Sunday best 121 00:08:39,575 --> 00:08:43,966 # Mother's tired, she needs a rest The kids are playing up downstairs 122 00:08:44,135 --> 00:08:47,491 # Sister's sighing in her sleep 123 00:08:47,655 --> 00:08:51,409 # Brother's got a date to keep, he can't hang around 124 00:08:51,575 --> 00:08:53,805 # Our house 125 00:08:53,975 --> 00:08:55,772 # In the middle of our street 126 00:08:55,935 --> 00:08:57,812 # Our house 127 00:08:57,975 --> 00:08:59,772 # In the middle of our... 128 00:08:59,935 --> 00:09:01,448 # Our house... 129 00:09:01,615 --> 00:09:05,688 Right, Neil. I am now going to insert the first nail. 130 00:09:05,855 --> 00:09:09,131 - You may feel a bit of a prick. - So, what's new? 131 00:09:11,255 --> 00:09:12,893 OK, here it goes. 132 00:09:13,855 --> 00:09:15,527 # Then she sends the kids to school 133 00:09:15,695 --> 00:09:18,892 # Sees them off with a small kiss 134 00:09:19,055 --> 00:09:22,286 # She's the one they're going to miss in lots of ways... 135 00:09:23,215 --> 00:09:25,934 £180 worth of Durex, please. 136 00:09:26,095 --> 00:09:28,450 Oh, sorry. Force of habit. 137 00:09:33,415 --> 00:09:38,569 Oh, wow! I hope Mike hurries back with the cure. 138 00:09:38,735 --> 00:09:41,886 No, Neil, no. It's Madness this week. 139 00:09:46,935 --> 00:09:48,812 # Our house 140 00:09:48,975 --> 00:09:50,806 # In the middle of our street 141 00:09:50,975 --> 00:09:52,772 # Our house 142 00:09:52,935 --> 00:09:54,812 # In the middle of our... 143 00:09:54,975 --> 00:09:56,294 # I remember way back then when everything was true 144 00:09:56,455 --> 00:09:58,127 # And when we would have such a very good time 145 00:09:58,295 --> 00:10:01,253 # Such a fine time, such a happy time 146 00:10:02,295 --> 00:10:04,047 # And I remember how we'd play, simply waste the day away 147 00:10:04,215 --> 00:10:09,084 Then we'd say nothing would come between us, two dreamers 148 00:10:10,455 --> 00:10:13,652 Father wears his Sunday best 149 00:10:13,815 --> 00:10:18,093 # Mother's tired, she needs a rest The kids are playing up downstairs 150 00:10:18,255 --> 00:10:20,769 # Sister's sighing in her sleep 151 00:10:21,815 --> 00:10:25,569 # Brother's got a date to keep, he can't hang around... 152 00:10:27,135 --> 00:10:29,968 - Out! - So, I'll pick you up at 8, OK? 153 00:10:30,135 --> 00:10:31,887 # Our house 154 00:10:32,055 --> 00:10:33,488 # In the middle of our street 155 00:10:33,655 --> 00:10:35,850 # Our house 156 00:10:36,015 --> 00:10:37,926 # In the middle of our... # 157 00:10:52,135 --> 00:10:53,614 (SIRENS) 158 00:11:10,695 --> 00:11:13,607 Get out! Clear off! 159 00:11:13,775 --> 00:11:15,970 Bloody pop concert in the road. 160 00:11:16,135 --> 00:11:17,853 Go on. Run 'em down! 161 00:11:18,015 --> 00:11:21,485 - I can't do that! - You're a policeman, aren't you?! 162 00:11:21,655 --> 00:11:25,409 They were a great band, Middle Of The Road. 163 00:11:25,575 --> 00:11:27,133 Shut your mouth, Damage! 164 00:11:27,295 --> 00:11:30,332 'Ere, Mr Damage to you, copper. 165 00:11:30,495 --> 00:11:33,407 And nobody tells Mr Damage to shut his mouth. 166 00:11:33,575 --> 00:11:39,286 Not if they wanna keep the head in the vicinity of the shoulders. Right? 167 00:11:39,455 --> 00:11:41,889 I said shut your mouth, Damage! 168 00:11:42,055 --> 00:11:43,408 (YELLS) 169 00:11:45,655 --> 00:11:47,293 A-choo! 170 00:11:47,455 --> 00:11:49,764 We'd better do something before the bag explodes. 171 00:11:49,935 --> 00:11:52,449 Hey, brainy idea. 172 00:11:52,615 --> 00:11:57,769 Maybe sneezing is like hiccups, and you have to give him a shock. 173 00:11:57,935 --> 00:12:02,133 He'll get a shock when he feels this. We've run out of nails, 174 00:12:02,295 --> 00:12:06,573 - so we'll have to use cutlery. - No, Vyvyan. Be sensible. 175 00:12:06,735 --> 00:12:10,694 - I've got to eat off that. - I suppose you're right. 176 00:12:12,335 --> 00:12:13,768 (SCREAMS INSANELY) 177 00:12:13,935 --> 00:12:18,008 My brain's exploded! My brain's exploded! 178 00:12:19,015 --> 00:12:20,334 A-choo! 179 00:12:21,775 --> 00:12:24,050 It didn't work. 180 00:12:24,215 --> 00:12:27,969 I'm not surprised, Vyvyan. It was pathetic. 181 00:12:28,135 --> 00:12:30,649 - You've got to be more subtle. - OK. 182 00:12:30,815 --> 00:12:35,286 Neil, if you don't stop sneezing by the time I count three, 183 00:12:35,455 --> 00:12:40,848 I'm going to cut your bottoms off and ram them up your nose. One... 184 00:12:41,015 --> 00:12:42,334 - Two... - A-choo! 185 00:12:42,495 --> 00:12:46,647 - Right. That's it. - Oh, I wish this wasn't happening! 186 00:12:46,815 --> 00:12:50,410 Mario, my usual table for two. 8.30. 187 00:12:51,495 --> 00:12:55,010 - 2.999 recurring... - Right. Do it! 188 00:13:00,135 --> 00:13:04,686 All right! Nobody move and nothing will happen! 189 00:13:04,855 --> 00:13:07,449 Goodness, how exciting! Are you an anarchist? 190 00:13:07,615 --> 00:13:11,369 No, I am not. I am Brian Damage Balowski. 191 00:13:11,535 --> 00:13:16,165 I am, however, a violent and highly dangerous escaped criminal madman! 192 00:13:16,335 --> 00:13:19,088 - What would you like us to do? - Right, um... 193 00:13:19,255 --> 00:13:23,373 Everybody up against this wall now! 194 00:13:23,535 --> 00:13:29,690 You said nobody move. How can we get to the wall if we can't move? 195 00:13:29,855 --> 00:13:33,165 - What happens if we do move? - Eh? 196 00:13:33,335 --> 00:13:36,372 Oh, God! What happens if anybody moves? 197 00:13:36,535 --> 00:13:39,129 - What happens? - (ALL) Yes! 198 00:13:39,295 --> 00:13:41,251 Oh, right. Terribly sorry. All right. 199 00:13:41,415 --> 00:13:44,930 If anybody moves, I'll show you what happens, right? 200 00:13:45,095 --> 00:13:47,928 This happens, right? 201 00:13:49,175 --> 00:13:52,292 Hi, man. Are you the doctor? 202 00:13:52,455 --> 00:13:54,889 Ah! Ow! Ow! Ow! 203 00:13:58,135 --> 00:14:01,923 Hey, I think that's done the trick! Thanks, Doc. 204 00:14:02,095 --> 00:14:06,964 Thanks, Doc?! Are you being sar-carstic or something, my son? 205 00:14:07,135 --> 00:14:10,571 That's one of my least favourite things, sar-carsm. 206 00:14:10,735 --> 00:14:15,092 (SARCASTICALLY) Really? How incredibly interesting. 207 00:14:15,255 --> 00:14:20,887 I was walking the dog, and this bloke comes up and says, ''Nice day, innit?'' 208 00:14:21,055 --> 00:14:25,606 But it wasn't a nice day. It was a little bit cloudy, 209 00:14:25,775 --> 00:14:28,335 which makes him very sar-carstic. 210 00:14:28,495 --> 00:14:32,408 So, acting like nothing happened, I stuck his head in my mouth, 211 00:14:32,575 --> 00:14:36,853 dead casual, like, closed my teeth, and bit his head off! 212 00:14:37,015 --> 00:14:39,529 'Cause I hate people being sar-carstic. 213 00:14:39,695 --> 00:14:43,608 I wasn't, you know, being sar-carstic. 214 00:14:43,775 --> 00:14:47,563 Weren't ya? Well, forget everything I said, then, all right? 215 00:14:47,735 --> 00:14:50,203 What? Everything from when you came in? 216 00:14:50,375 --> 00:14:53,651 Now, if you're not against that wall after three, 217 00:14:53,815 --> 00:14:58,491 I'm gonna blow your heads off, all right? A-one... A-two... 218 00:14:58,655 --> 00:15:00,407 - Yoo-hoo! - Oh, God! 219 00:15:00,575 --> 00:15:04,614 Sorry I didn't knock. Someone's impaled a head on the door. 220 00:15:04,775 --> 00:15:07,335 - Hello, Vyvyan. - Piss off. 221 00:15:08,535 --> 00:15:10,810 That's no way to talk to your mother! 222 00:15:10,975 --> 00:15:13,773 All right, then. Piss off, Mum. 223 00:15:16,335 --> 00:15:19,407 - That's better. - What do you want? 224 00:15:19,575 --> 00:15:23,807 - Well, what're mums for? - I don't know. Having babies? 225 00:15:23,975 --> 00:15:26,694 Don't be so sexist, Vyvyan. 226 00:15:29,095 --> 00:15:33,646 - Sorry, Mum. - I brought you a present. 227 00:15:33,815 --> 00:15:36,090 Your last present was some matches. 228 00:15:36,255 --> 00:15:40,407 - That was a joke! - I was eight weeks old. 229 00:15:40,575 --> 00:15:44,648 Here, excuse me. I'm not actually known for my patience. 230 00:15:44,815 --> 00:15:49,286 Oh! Well, you're probably not Dr Kildare, then! 231 00:15:52,135 --> 00:15:54,126 Well, what've you brought this time? 232 00:15:54,295 --> 00:15:58,447 - A bottle of vodka. - Oh, brilliant! Thanks, Mum. 233 00:16:00,055 --> 00:16:03,013 - This is empty. - Up yours, ugly! 234 00:16:05,455 --> 00:16:08,333 - Cor, what a nasty woman! - (GUNSHOT) 235 00:16:08,495 --> 00:16:14,525 All right, this has now gone on far too seriously long enough by half. 236 00:16:14,695 --> 00:16:17,732 I am now going to phone the authorities, 237 00:16:17,895 --> 00:16:21,331 and if they do not give me, within 20 minutes, 238 00:16:21,495 --> 00:16:25,249 a helicopter, £100,000, 239 00:16:25,415 --> 00:16:30,728 a complete set of steak knives in a presentation box, 240 00:16:30,895 --> 00:16:36,174 tickets to see the Brazilian National Mime Theatre at Riverside Studios, 241 00:16:36,335 --> 00:16:38,929 a little cairn terrier called Bobby, 242 00:16:39,095 --> 00:16:43,725 those little black rubber things that go, ''Nee! Nee! Nee!'' - 243 00:16:43,895 --> 00:16:46,045 a big box full of them, 244 00:16:46,215 --> 00:16:49,252 the complete memoirs of Donald Sinden... 245 00:16:49,415 --> 00:16:54,250 - Oh, very handy! - Otherwise, I blow your heads off. 246 00:16:54,415 --> 00:16:57,452 - Everybody up against that wall. - (RICK) All right. 247 00:16:59,175 --> 00:17:04,329 Oh, damn! Lumme! Lumme! All right, who's responsible?! 248 00:17:05,175 --> 00:17:07,894 - I think I'm quite responsible. - Mike, yeah. 249 00:17:08,055 --> 00:17:11,525 Listen! Somebody has got to clean this up, 250 00:17:11,695 --> 00:17:15,290 and I tell you one thing, matey boy, it's not me. 251 00:17:15,455 --> 00:17:19,926 What does it matter? We'll all be dead in 20 minutes, anyway. 252 00:17:20,095 --> 00:17:23,326 - Yeah. - Oh, no! 253 00:17:23,495 --> 00:17:26,009 Oh, wow! 254 00:17:26,175 --> 00:17:28,211 Oh, heavy, heavy, heavy! 255 00:17:29,055 --> 00:17:30,488 (WAILS) 256 00:17:30,655 --> 00:17:33,328 Why are you upset? You've always wanted to die. 257 00:17:33,495 --> 00:17:35,929 Who's talking about dying? I just remembered - 258 00:17:36,095 --> 00:17:40,373 - my parents are coming round to tea! - (ALL SCREAM) 259 00:17:40,535 --> 00:17:43,572 Don't panic! Worse things happen at sea. 260 00:17:43,735 --> 00:17:45,930 Like what, Mike? Like what?! 261 00:17:46,095 --> 00:17:49,724 Well, you could be on a cruise, having a lovely time. 262 00:17:49,895 --> 00:17:52,250 There's terrible weather. The ship sinks. 263 00:17:52,415 --> 00:17:55,851 You fall overboard. You're drowning. This shark swims up to you 264 00:17:56,015 --> 00:18:00,247 and says, ''Neil's parents are coming in 30 seconds.'' 265 00:18:00,415 --> 00:18:02,610 That's when you panic. Come on! 266 00:18:20,575 --> 00:18:22,452 (THUNDER) 267 00:18:22,615 --> 00:18:27,609 All hail McVyvyan, Thane of Corridor! 268 00:18:27,775 --> 00:18:30,414 - Eh? - All hail McVyvyan, 269 00:18:30,575 --> 00:18:32,645 Thane of the Outside Toilet 270 00:18:32,815 --> 00:18:36,046 and that little gravelly patch next to the shed. 271 00:18:36,215 --> 00:18:43,724 All hail McVyvyan, that shall be king of the whole house hereafter! 272 00:18:45,135 --> 00:18:50,653 Are you suggesting that I murder Mike, Rick, and Neil, 273 00:18:50,815 --> 00:18:54,171 in order to have the whole house to myself? 274 00:18:54,335 --> 00:18:56,087 Yeah! 275 00:18:56,255 --> 00:18:58,723 It's a thought, I suppose. 276 00:18:58,895 --> 00:19:01,250 Make a great play! 277 00:19:04,975 --> 00:19:07,773 27... 28... 29... 278 00:19:07,935 --> 00:19:10,130 (KNOCK AT DOOR) 279 00:19:10,295 --> 00:19:11,967 Look out! (WHISTLES) 280 00:19:20,175 --> 00:19:22,131 Hello, Mummy. Hello, Daddy. 281 00:19:23,135 --> 00:19:24,932 - Hello. - Hello. 282 00:19:26,095 --> 00:19:30,691 - Take my coat. - Come in. This is where I live. 283 00:19:38,135 --> 00:19:40,251 These are my friends. 284 00:19:41,735 --> 00:19:45,250 This is Rick. He's studying sociology. 285 00:19:45,415 --> 00:19:50,648 Oh, hello! Pleased to meet you. Sorry. So many essays to write. 286 00:19:51,655 --> 00:19:54,533 I'm surprised my arms aren't falling off! 287 00:19:54,695 --> 00:19:57,334 Perhaps they are! Look out! Bonk! 288 00:20:00,055 --> 00:20:03,092 You have to watch me because I'm a bit nutty. 289 00:20:03,255 --> 00:20:06,406 Aren't I, everybody? A bit nutty? 290 00:20:07,615 --> 00:20:09,128 (BLOWS RASPBERRY) 291 00:20:09,655 --> 00:20:14,206 - Hello. - This is Mike. He's studying, er... 292 00:20:14,375 --> 00:20:17,447 I'm in the school of life, Mrs Pye. 293 00:20:17,615 --> 00:20:19,492 (YELPS) 294 00:20:19,655 --> 00:20:23,853 Oh, dear me. What a ghastly smell. 295 00:20:24,015 --> 00:20:27,724 Yeah, that's Vyvyan, Mummy. He's going to be a doctor. 296 00:20:29,375 --> 00:20:33,607 - How do you do? - How fascinating. 297 00:20:33,775 --> 00:20:35,891 I think I'm going to be sick. 298 00:20:36,055 --> 00:20:38,808 And is this another of your colleagues? 299 00:20:38,975 --> 00:20:41,648 No, that's a violent and highly dangerous... 300 00:20:41,815 --> 00:20:45,012 (LAUGHS) That's Neil's little joke, sir. 301 00:20:45,175 --> 00:20:46,847 Brian. Brian Damage. 302 00:20:47,015 --> 00:20:51,531 Currently working on my PhD in astrophysics, actually. 303 00:20:51,695 --> 00:20:58,043 Recently I did a degree in art history, but it was no use for a job. 304 00:20:58,215 --> 00:21:03,767 - What kind of job had you in mind? - Something like a bank job. 305 00:21:03,935 --> 00:21:06,927 - Nice safe job? - Yeah, possibly. Possibly. 306 00:21:07,095 --> 00:21:11,805 - Did you make your bed? - No, no. I bought it. 307 00:21:12,895 --> 00:21:14,408 Exactly. 308 00:21:14,575 --> 00:21:18,124 Your mother and I are very disappointed, Neil. 309 00:21:18,295 --> 00:21:21,253 You have brought shame on your family, Neil. 310 00:21:21,415 --> 00:21:25,328 I daren't show my face at Lady Fanshaw's bridge evenings, 311 00:21:25,495 --> 00:21:28,009 now you've taken up with those television people. 312 00:21:28,175 --> 00:21:32,407 What sort of monsters are you? I mean, ''The Young Ones''. 313 00:21:32,575 --> 00:21:35,294 Well, it all sounds very good, doesn't it? 314 00:21:35,455 --> 00:21:38,447 But look around you. It's trash! 315 00:21:39,775 --> 00:21:44,485 I mean, even ''Triangle'' has better furniture than you do! 316 00:21:44,655 --> 00:21:50,651 That was designed to fall apart. Rick was going to get hit with it. 317 00:21:50,815 --> 00:21:54,854 I thought you'd be glad that I was doing something worthwhile. 318 00:21:55,015 --> 00:21:57,290 Worthwhile?! I mean, it's a bloody outrage! 319 00:21:57,455 --> 00:22:00,970 It's a waste of a licensing fee - pardon my French. 320 00:22:01,135 --> 00:22:07,051 Why can't you be in one of those decent comedies that your mother likes? 321 00:22:07,215 --> 00:22:09,570 What's the thing called? 322 00:22:09,735 --> 00:22:10,804 - Grange Hill! - That's it! 323 00:22:13,615 --> 00:22:17,164 So, that's settled. We'll organize a protest against school uniforms! 324 00:22:17,335 --> 00:22:21,010 Great! We can use the banners from the last protest, 325 00:22:21,175 --> 00:22:23,564 so that racism wouldn't be an issue. 326 00:22:23,735 --> 00:22:28,251 Good! I'll get Mucker, Trucker, Ducker and Sucker. You get Spaz! 327 00:22:28,415 --> 00:22:30,610 - But I am Spaz! - Oh. 328 00:22:30,775 --> 00:22:34,370 I'll get Spaz, then, but we've got to hurry. 329 00:22:35,135 --> 00:22:37,490 Sorry, Mr Liberal. We're in a hurry. 330 00:22:37,655 --> 00:22:41,443 Hang on, you pair of young scruffy tearaways. 331 00:22:41,615 --> 00:22:45,449 Don't you realize you're influencing millions of children 332 00:22:45,615 --> 00:22:47,731 to talk Cockney and be insubordinate? 333 00:22:47,895 --> 00:22:51,331 Come on. We're the only kids who never say f... 334 00:22:51,495 --> 00:22:55,534 You must be talking nonsense. I don't watch that ghastly programme. 335 00:22:55,695 --> 00:22:59,654 I'm sorry. My mistake. I meant ''The Good Life''. 336 00:22:59,815 --> 00:23:01,533 Oh, yes. That's the one. 337 00:23:01,695 --> 00:23:03,651 (THEME MUSIC) 338 00:23:08,535 --> 00:23:11,288 No! No! No! No! 339 00:23:11,455 --> 00:23:14,174 We're not watching the bloody ''Good Life''! 340 00:23:14,335 --> 00:23:16,974 Bloody! Bloody! Bloody! 341 00:23:17,135 --> 00:23:20,445 I hate it! It's so bloody nice! 342 00:23:20,615 --> 00:23:22,571 Felicity ''Treacle'' Kendal 343 00:23:22,735 --> 00:23:26,614 and Richard ''Sugar-Flavored-Snot'' Briers! 344 00:23:26,775 --> 00:23:30,927 What do they do now? Chocolate bloody Button ads, that's what! 345 00:23:31,095 --> 00:23:33,928 They're just a couple of reactionary stereotypes, 346 00:23:34,095 --> 00:23:37,849 confirming the myth that everyone in Britain is a lovable, 347 00:23:38,015 --> 00:23:42,133 middle-class eccentric, and I hate them! 348 00:23:43,135 --> 00:23:48,493 That was an articulate outburst. I only hope they're not watching. 349 00:23:48,655 --> 00:23:52,648 Well, you can shut up, Vyvyan. You can blummin' well shut up! 350 00:23:52,815 --> 00:23:56,854 Because if you've got anything horrid to say about Felicity Kendal, 351 00:23:57,015 --> 00:24:00,724 you can blummin' well say it to me first! 352 00:24:00,895 --> 00:24:03,204 Rick, Rick... I just did. 353 00:24:03,615 --> 00:24:06,846 Oh! Oh, you did, did you? 354 00:24:07,015 --> 00:24:11,770 Well, I've got a good mind to give you a ruddy punch on the bottom! 355 00:24:11,935 --> 00:24:16,167 - That's the woman I love! - Yeah, and me! I love her, too. 356 00:24:16,335 --> 00:24:20,692 Yes, well, I agree with the spotty twerps on that one. 357 00:24:20,855 --> 00:24:26,009 Felicity Kendal is sweetly pretty. Just what a real girlie should be. 358 00:24:26,175 --> 00:24:32,125 Speaking as a feminist myself, I can safely say this - 359 00:24:32,295 --> 00:24:36,846 Felicity Kendal is a wonderful woman, and I want to protect her. 360 00:24:37,015 --> 00:24:40,325 It's the first time I've heard it called that! 361 00:24:40,495 --> 00:24:45,205 Neil! Say something! 362 00:24:46,335 --> 00:24:48,690 (MUMBLES) That's my dad you're talking to. 363 00:24:48,855 --> 00:24:52,609 Did you see that episode where the pig was pregnant? 364 00:24:52,775 --> 00:24:58,327 Now, that was quite a promising idea, but it was all done so bloody nicely! 365 00:24:58,495 --> 00:25:02,044 We didn't see anything! Even the policeman was nice. 366 00:25:05,375 --> 00:25:08,890 Why shouldn't the police be portrayed as nice occasionally? 367 00:25:09,055 --> 00:25:12,252 You trendy students always give us a bad name! 368 00:25:12,415 --> 00:25:14,690 You mean like ''big jobbies''? 369 00:25:14,855 --> 00:25:17,050 Now you've really asked for it! 370 00:25:20,215 --> 00:25:25,164 Now, I would not have done that if you had been Felicity Kendal. 371 00:25:25,335 --> 00:25:30,204 - Are you all right? - She smashed the balsa wood chair. 372 00:25:30,375 --> 00:25:32,172 Well, this wouldn't have happened 373 00:25:32,335 --> 00:25:36,965 if you'd been doing a nice programme like ''The Good Life''. 374 00:25:38,295 --> 00:25:40,126 That's where we'll put the cabbages. 375 00:25:40,295 --> 00:25:44,208 Okey-dokey, Mikey, young Sonny Jim fella me lad. 376 00:25:47,535 --> 00:25:52,211 - That's where we'll put the caulis. - Ah! Just one moment, Michael. 377 00:25:54,615 --> 00:25:56,685 (SINGS FANFARE) 378 00:25:57,535 --> 00:26:00,003 Very funny, Vyvyan. 379 00:26:00,175 --> 00:26:02,006 Well, you might've laughed, Michael. 380 00:26:02,175 --> 00:26:06,054 It took ages to raid the pet shop and nail 'em to the plank. 381 00:26:09,295 --> 00:26:13,334 Ah! The timeless wonder of the English countryside. 382 00:26:14,495 --> 00:26:16,406 It'd be pretty bloody super 383 00:26:16,575 --> 00:26:20,204 to have a snog in a place like this. Eh, Neil? 384 00:26:20,375 --> 00:26:24,493 I don't feel like it, Rick. I've got work to do. 385 00:26:24,655 --> 00:26:28,250 Not with you, you sick pervy. God! 386 00:26:28,415 --> 00:26:33,648 I meant with a super girlie who's on for some rumpo and how's-your-father. 387 00:26:33,815 --> 00:26:37,649 Never mind that. OK, I've ploughed this bit, right? 388 00:26:37,815 --> 00:26:40,045 And now I'm going to sow it. 389 00:26:44,335 --> 00:26:47,452 This self-sufficiency thing really is amazing. 390 00:26:47,615 --> 00:26:49,765 We sow the seed, right. 391 00:26:49,935 --> 00:26:53,723 Nature grows the seed, and then we eat the seed. 392 00:26:53,895 --> 00:26:58,810 And then, after that, we sow the seed, nature grows the seed, 393 00:26:58,975 --> 00:27:00,852 and then we eat the seed. 394 00:27:01,015 --> 00:27:04,849 And then we sow the seed, nature grows the seed.... 395 00:27:05,015 --> 00:27:08,451 Oh, shut up! Shut up! Shut up. 396 00:27:08,615 --> 00:27:12,290 It's pathetic. I mean, what about radical magazines, hmm? 397 00:27:12,455 --> 00:27:16,573 What about kicker boots? Can we grow them? No, we can't. 398 00:27:16,735 --> 00:27:21,092 They beauty of your plan rests on everyone being really into seeds. 399 00:27:21,255 --> 00:27:24,645 No, you don't understand the timeless wonder of it. 400 00:27:24,815 --> 00:27:27,727 Look. We... 401 00:27:27,895 --> 00:27:30,455 - sow the seed... - Right. 402 00:27:30,615 --> 00:27:35,211 Nature grows the seed, then we eat the seed. Then.... 403 00:27:37,375 --> 00:27:38,888 Right. Now, shut up. 404 00:27:41,375 --> 00:27:44,890 Get up, Neil, there's a lot of work to be done. 405 00:27:45,895 --> 00:27:47,214 Neil? 406 00:27:48,295 --> 00:27:49,614 Neil? 407 00:27:51,695 --> 00:27:55,051 Oh, God! Oh, God. I've killed a hippie! 408 00:27:56,735 --> 00:28:01,331 I've killed a hippie, and now I'll have to pay. 409 00:28:01,495 --> 00:28:05,773 I'll get sent to prison and raped in the shower by Mr Big. 410 00:28:05,935 --> 00:28:08,608 Oh, God! Right. Burn the corpse. 411 00:28:08,775 --> 00:28:11,084 Burn the corpse. 412 00:28:11,255 --> 00:28:13,689 Come on, burn! 413 00:28:13,855 --> 00:28:17,450 Burn! Oh, trust Neil to be all soggy! 414 00:28:17,615 --> 00:28:20,288 Burn! Burn! 415 00:28:21,375 --> 00:28:22,808 - Hello. - Hello. 416 00:28:22,975 --> 00:28:25,967 - Hello! - My name's Mick. This is Tez. 417 00:28:26,135 --> 00:28:28,933 - All right, are you? - Yes. 418 00:28:29,095 --> 00:28:32,974 We would've brought Harry, but we don't know anyone called Harry. 419 00:28:33,135 --> 00:28:37,094 Ah. Um... Excuse me. 420 00:28:37,255 --> 00:28:43,330 Er... You're not policemen, are you? 421 00:28:43,495 --> 00:28:45,770 No, we're not policemen. 422 00:28:51,175 --> 00:28:55,168 Oh, yeah! I'm sorry. Look, we've come about the muck. 423 00:28:55,335 --> 00:28:57,610 - Muck? - You know, manure. 424 00:28:57,775 --> 00:29:00,209 - Yes? - We've got a load for your garden. 425 00:29:01,095 --> 00:29:04,565 Well, listen, absolutely nobody, I don't care who they are, 426 00:29:04,735 --> 00:29:07,647 is doing a two-ton poo out here. 427 00:29:07,815 --> 00:29:11,774 Suit yourself. I thought you'd want to cover the hippie you murdered. 428 00:29:12,655 --> 00:29:15,806 Ah. Yes. Yes. Yes, bury him. Bury him. 429 00:29:15,975 --> 00:29:17,294 But it's not a hippie. 430 00:29:17,455 --> 00:29:21,209 It's just a garden gnome, that I cracked. 431 00:29:21,375 --> 00:29:24,367 What a load of crap! It's not a gnome! 432 00:29:24,535 --> 00:29:28,164 It's a hippie. He's killed a hippie, everybody! 433 00:29:28,335 --> 00:29:30,405 Shut up! 434 00:29:37,535 --> 00:29:41,414 So, this is the row of mixed veg. Oh, nicely, nicely. We progress. 435 00:29:41,575 --> 00:29:43,645 The ''grow-anything'' fertilizer has arrived. 436 00:29:43,815 --> 00:29:47,330 Brilliant. We are now completely self-sufficient in fertilizer. 437 00:29:47,495 --> 00:29:50,089 Speaking of which, where's Neil? 438 00:29:50,255 --> 00:29:54,168 Yeah, I told him that if we don't sow the seed, 439 00:29:54,335 --> 00:29:57,725 nature can't grow the seed, and we can't eat the seed. 440 00:29:57,895 --> 00:30:02,969 Ah... Er... He's emigrated, 441 00:30:03,135 --> 00:30:07,686 and he said to say that you'll never see him again. 442 00:30:08,375 --> 00:30:11,014 He's left one of his shoes behind. 443 00:30:12,095 --> 00:30:15,610 - One of his feet, as well! - Bloody idiot. 444 00:30:15,775 --> 00:30:20,212 Yes. I noticed he was hopping when he left. 445 00:30:20,375 --> 00:30:23,412 - Hang on a minute, if you say...? - (OWL HOOTS) 446 00:30:23,575 --> 00:30:26,169 Oh, no. Night-time. 447 00:30:26,335 --> 00:30:28,690 Good grief. 448 00:30:28,855 --> 00:30:31,050 Oh, well. Boing! 449 00:30:35,575 --> 00:30:38,726 - (BOTH) Boing! - Time for bed, everyone. 450 00:30:51,815 --> 00:30:54,693 Lucky Rick only stunned me, eh? 451 00:30:58,335 --> 00:31:00,246 Oh, wow! 452 00:31:03,135 --> 00:31:05,729 - Hello. - Hello. 453 00:31:07,215 --> 00:31:10,844 Anybody watching must have thought it was a negative reality inversion. 454 00:31:12,495 --> 00:31:15,532 Cor, that looked just like a negative reality inversion. 455 00:31:15,695 --> 00:31:17,925 Yes, it did, a bit. 456 00:31:18,095 --> 00:31:20,484 I was right. 457 00:31:22,375 --> 00:31:24,127 - Hello. - Hello. 458 00:31:24,295 --> 00:31:26,604 - Hello. - Oh, wow! 459 00:31:28,535 --> 00:31:31,732 Rick planted me. I was the seed. 460 00:31:31,895 --> 00:31:36,366 Rick sowed me. Nature grew me. Yeah! 461 00:31:37,375 --> 00:31:40,651 RickI RickI 462 00:31:40,815 --> 00:31:44,728 This is the voice of your conscience speaking. 463 00:31:44,895 --> 00:31:46,214 Shut up! Shut up! 464 00:31:46,375 --> 00:31:51,449 Don't tell me to shut up, you spotty little bastard. I'm your conscience. 465 00:31:51,615 --> 00:31:54,891 You killed Neil, didn't you? 466 00:31:55,055 --> 00:32:00,083 No! No, it wasn't me. It was Vyvyan and Mike, and I'm going to tell. 467 00:32:00,255 --> 00:32:04,134 They didn't bloody well do it. It was youI 468 00:32:04,295 --> 00:32:09,369 - Oh, God! Whose side are you on? - Not bloody yours, mateyI 469 00:32:09,535 --> 00:32:11,890 Then get out of my head, poo-hole! 470 00:32:12,055 --> 00:32:16,253 HaI Try and make me, farty breathI 471 00:32:17,415 --> 00:32:21,249 Rick, tell your conscience to keep its voice down! 472 00:32:21,415 --> 00:32:23,485 I'm trying to sleep! 473 00:32:26,135 --> 00:32:31,050 Oh, come on, Judge Mike! He's a complete bastard. Let's hang him! 474 00:32:31,215 --> 00:32:34,844 I'm the People's Poet! The spokesperson of a generation! 475 00:32:35,015 --> 00:32:37,529 Kids everywhere look to me for inspiration! 476 00:32:37,695 --> 00:32:42,166 Oh, People's Poet, don't die! We'll kill ourselves if you do! 477 00:32:42,335 --> 00:32:45,327 But first, we're going to take off all our clothes! 478 00:32:45,495 --> 00:32:47,247 (GIRLISH SCREAMS) 479 00:32:48,255 --> 00:32:51,884 OiI Stop having a wet dream, you little pervyI 480 00:32:52,055 --> 00:32:54,853 You're supposed to be racked with remorseI 481 00:32:55,015 --> 00:32:57,245 I am! I am! 482 00:33:00,575 --> 00:33:02,964 (WAILS) 483 00:33:11,775 --> 00:33:14,289 Oh, Neil! Neil! 484 00:33:14,455 --> 00:33:17,015 Orange peel! 485 00:33:17,175 --> 00:33:20,247 If only I could see you again. 486 00:33:21,015 --> 00:33:24,007 - Hello, Rick. - (SCREAMS) 487 00:33:26,055 --> 00:33:28,125 Hello, Rick. 488 00:33:31,895 --> 00:33:33,692 Hello, Rick. 489 00:33:35,215 --> 00:33:40,812 Help! Michael! Vyvyan! Neil's come back from the grave as zombies! 490 00:33:42,295 --> 00:33:44,934 (CHEESY MUSIC) 491 00:33:46,575 --> 00:33:49,533 (ANNOUNCER) Good evening, and welcome to ''Nice Time'' 492 00:33:49,695 --> 00:33:53,005 with Neil's parents and Brian DamageI