0 00:00:00,105 --> 00:00:02,600 Shared by http://DJJ.HOME.SAPO.PT/ 1 00:00:02,695 --> 00:00:05,163 # Once in every lifetime 2 00:00:05,335 --> 00:00:07,895 # Comes a love like this 3 00:00:08,055 --> 00:00:10,410 # Oh, I need you, you need me 4 00:00:10,575 --> 00:00:12,884 # Oh, my darling, can't you see? 5 00:00:13,055 --> 00:00:14,966 # Young ones 6 00:00:15,135 --> 00:00:18,093 # Darling, we're the young ones 7 00:00:18,255 --> 00:00:20,371 # The young ones 8 00:00:20,535 --> 00:00:23,368 (RICK) # Shouldn't be afraid 9 00:00:23,535 --> 00:00:26,766 # To live, love 10 00:00:26,935 --> 00:00:28,732 # There's a song to be sung 11 00:00:28,895 --> 00:00:33,173 # 'Cause we may not be the young ones very long # 12 00:00:38,895 --> 00:00:42,285 - Michael? - Don't broadcast the handle, Vyv. 13 00:00:43,295 --> 00:00:46,446 My safety means nothing, but the innocent must be protected. 14 00:00:46,615 --> 00:00:48,287 Uh... Right. 15 00:00:49,295 --> 00:00:51,525 Andrea? 16 00:00:51,695 --> 00:00:55,165 - Yes? - Do you think ants go to discos? 17 00:00:55,935 --> 00:00:58,733 Vyvyan, it's proved that ants are highly intelligent, 18 00:00:58,895 --> 00:01:01,090 with a well-ordered society. 19 00:01:01,255 --> 00:01:03,211 Why would they go to discos? 20 00:01:03,375 --> 00:01:07,527 Well, why is that one wearing a silver boob tube, then? 21 00:01:08,255 --> 00:01:11,133 Simple, Vyvyan. You're talking crap. 22 00:01:11,295 --> 00:01:16,210 (LAUGHS) You'd have to get up pretty early to catch you out, Michael. 23 00:01:16,375 --> 00:01:18,809 You'd have to stay up all night. 24 00:01:19,855 --> 00:01:21,971 God, I'm bored. 25 00:01:24,375 --> 00:01:28,254 Term only finished four hours ago and already I'm bored. 26 00:01:41,295 --> 00:01:44,685 # School's out foreverI # 27 00:01:45,815 --> 00:01:49,854 Yeah, let all your hairs hang out! Do whatever you want! 28 00:01:50,015 --> 00:01:51,846 What's all the excitement, Rick? 29 00:01:52,015 --> 00:01:56,213 Has education been cut altogether? That's the reason I voted Tory. 30 00:01:56,375 --> 00:02:01,608 We're on holiday! I finished my last exam and the summer term is over! 31 00:02:01,775 --> 00:02:04,448 Over? I didn't know it had started. 32 00:02:04,615 --> 00:02:06,287 Oh, yes, Michael. That's right. 33 00:02:06,455 --> 00:02:10,926 Your tutor said that if you don't turn up again next year, 34 00:02:11,095 --> 00:02:13,848 then he and the Dean might reconsider your grant. 35 00:02:14,015 --> 00:02:18,372 Well, tell him that I've still got the photographs of him and the Dean. 36 00:02:19,495 --> 00:02:22,328 I'll ask for one of those PhDs next year. 37 00:02:22,495 --> 00:02:25,134 Ah! Summer holidays. 38 00:02:25,295 --> 00:02:29,493 Twelve weeks with nothing to do, and the sun's shining already. 39 00:02:30,615 --> 00:02:35,689 Hey, it's like when you were little, in the garden in your underpants. 40 00:02:35,855 --> 00:02:40,485 And you used to put fruit down them and pretend to be pirates. 41 00:02:40,655 --> 00:02:42,725 Then, when your parents went out, 42 00:02:42,895 --> 00:02:48,094 you used to take off your clothes and wriggle around in the sandpit. 43 00:02:51,575 --> 00:02:56,285 - Oh, great! Here comes Neil! - It was terrible. 44 00:02:56,455 --> 00:02:59,970 I sat there and put my Polos on the desk... 45 00:03:00,135 --> 00:03:02,524 and my spare pencil and my support gonk... 46 00:03:02,695 --> 00:03:05,334 and my chewing gum and extra pen... 47 00:03:05,495 --> 00:03:07,725 and my extra Polos and lucky gonk... 48 00:03:07,895 --> 00:03:10,932 and my pencil sharpener shaped like a cracker... 49 00:03:11,095 --> 00:03:13,814 and three more gonks with Polos... 50 00:03:13,975 --> 00:03:16,091 and lead for my retractable pencil... 51 00:03:16,255 --> 00:03:17,927 and my retractable pencil... 52 00:03:18,095 --> 00:03:20,563 and spare lead for my retractable pencil... 53 00:03:20,735 --> 00:03:24,887 and chewing gum and pencils and pens and more gonks, 54 00:03:25,055 --> 00:03:27,933 and the guy said, ''Stop writing, please.'' 55 00:03:30,135 --> 00:03:32,888 You must tell me that story again sometime. 56 00:03:33,055 --> 00:03:36,092 Neil, you've got the intelligence of an ant. 57 00:03:36,255 --> 00:03:41,409 Has he? Neil, do you go to discos? 58 00:03:42,415 --> 00:03:46,852 Did you know that humans can actually build bridges? 59 00:03:47,015 --> 00:03:50,291 Really? How do they get them into the disco? 60 00:03:52,735 --> 00:03:56,489 One of the great things about summer is tea on the lawn. 61 00:03:57,495 --> 00:04:01,966 Unless you're an ant, in which case, it's a real bottomer. 62 00:04:02,135 --> 00:04:05,844 No, Vyvyan, it's a bummer. Summer is a bummer. 63 00:04:06,015 --> 00:04:08,893 Oh, God, Neil! You're such a killjoy. 64 00:04:09,055 --> 00:04:12,013 Hey, I know what Neil writes in public lavatories. 65 00:04:12,175 --> 00:04:14,735 ''Look out. Killjoy was here.'' 66 00:04:15,375 --> 00:04:17,366 Yeah, that's a really good idea. 67 00:04:17,535 --> 00:04:21,687 Let's all bring Neil down. That'd relieve the boredom. 68 00:04:21,855 --> 00:04:23,846 Would it? OK. 69 00:04:24,015 --> 00:04:28,167 Um... Shut up Neil, you ugly poo-faced git! 70 00:04:28,335 --> 00:04:30,530 - Your turn, Michael. - Oh, thanks, Vyv. 71 00:04:30,695 --> 00:04:35,291 What's ugly, smelly, boring, and is standing in front of me called Neil? 72 00:04:37,095 --> 00:04:39,211 - Me. - Perfectly correct. 73 00:04:40,175 --> 00:04:44,851 - You all really hate me, don't you? - Yes, we do, Neil. 74 00:04:45,015 --> 00:04:47,734 That is, when we can remember who you are... 75 00:04:47,895 --> 00:04:50,693 Um...thingummyjig! 76 00:04:51,455 --> 00:04:53,889 (ROARS) 77 00:05:18,575 --> 00:05:21,567 (VYVYAN) What's happened to your clothes, Neil? 78 00:05:24,255 --> 00:05:28,612 I think I'd better go and lie down for a bit, actually. 79 00:05:28,775 --> 00:05:32,404 God, I hate him. He's a bore, he's a sneak, 80 00:05:32,575 --> 00:05:37,012 - and he's a bloody eavesdropper. - I heard that, Rick. 81 00:05:37,175 --> 00:05:39,530 - Henry? - Shut your face, saucepan-tits! 82 00:05:39,695 --> 00:05:42,607 Can't you see I'm busy? Darren, stop that! 83 00:05:42,775 --> 00:05:46,370 Yes, don't put your tongue in Rover's ear. It's unhygienic. 84 00:05:46,535 --> 00:05:49,129 I only want to taste his brains. 85 00:05:49,295 --> 00:05:53,004 - (SCREECHES) La-de-da-de-da! - All right, Granny? Granny? 86 00:05:53,175 --> 00:05:57,054 - She's doing her voodoo. - Can I go out? 87 00:05:57,215 --> 00:06:00,890 I shouldn't think so. I've nailed your feet to the floor. 88 00:06:01,055 --> 00:06:03,649 - La-de-da-de-da! - For Christ's sake, Rosemary, 89 00:06:03,815 --> 00:06:06,693 tell your mother to keep that stupid bird quiet! 90 00:06:06,855 --> 00:06:09,813 Why don't you stick them both in a home? 91 00:06:10,855 --> 00:06:12,686 (SHOUTS IN PAIN) 92 00:06:12,855 --> 00:06:17,167 - What's in this, you stupid bitch? - Oh, for goodness' sake! 93 00:06:17,335 --> 00:06:20,884 I don't know who said you could use my room... 94 00:06:21,055 --> 00:06:24,684 - Actually, I've got a good idea. - Me, too. 95 00:06:24,855 --> 00:06:26,607 (WHACK) 96 00:06:26,775 --> 00:06:29,926 (ROSEMARY) Nice here, though. (HENRY) It's all right. 97 00:06:36,255 --> 00:06:37,973 Even mindless violence seems boring today. 98 00:06:40,535 --> 00:06:43,925 No more English, no more French, no more bloody anything at all. 99 00:06:48,535 --> 00:06:50,890 Where's Vyvyan? 100 00:06:51,055 --> 00:06:54,445 Well, he said he was going to water his plant. 101 00:06:54,615 --> 00:06:58,164 Strange that such a ruthless and sadistic maniac as Vyvyan 102 00:06:58,335 --> 00:07:00,405 should care for a begonia. 103 00:07:01,415 --> 00:07:05,613 - He's had it two years. - And it was dead when he got it. 104 00:07:05,775 --> 00:07:08,573 Still, he's watered it every day. 105 00:07:08,735 --> 00:07:12,569 He can't be bothered to go upstairs to the lavatory. 106 00:07:12,735 --> 00:07:16,410 Bored! Bored! Bored! Bored! 107 00:07:17,455 --> 00:07:23,894 Bored! Bored! Bored! Bored! 108 00:07:24,055 --> 00:07:25,534 Bored! 109 00:07:27,695 --> 00:07:30,812 (LAUGHS) Well, why don't we play a game? 110 00:07:30,975 --> 00:07:33,569 - Oh, boring! - No, come along. 111 00:07:33,735 --> 00:07:37,125 What about Botticelli? You have to guess the famous person. 112 00:07:37,295 --> 00:07:40,605 What about Jelly Botty, where you have to eat 18 curries? 113 00:07:41,735 --> 00:07:43,885 Very, very amusing. 114 00:07:46,655 --> 00:07:49,328 No, come on. Come on. Let's play Botticelli! 115 00:07:49,495 --> 00:07:51,486 Come on. I'll start. 116 00:07:52,535 --> 00:07:54,526 I'm ''A''. 117 00:07:54,695 --> 00:07:57,607 - What? - No, I'm ''A''. 118 00:07:57,775 --> 00:07:59,367 - Banana. - What? 119 00:07:59,535 --> 00:08:02,925 - You're ''a'' banana. - No, you don't understand. 120 00:08:03,095 --> 00:08:05,370 - A moron? - You've got it wrong. 121 00:08:05,535 --> 00:08:08,254 My name begins with the letter A. 122 00:08:08,415 --> 00:08:11,964 - Rick isn't your real name? - Of course it is. 123 00:08:12,135 --> 00:08:16,128 - It begins with A? - Of course not. 124 00:08:16,295 --> 00:08:20,334 - Could be a silent A. - No, it's a silent P. 125 00:08:21,575 --> 00:08:22,894 What...? Oh, yes! 126 00:08:23,055 --> 00:08:27,526 Tee-hee, Vyvyan. Must be five minutes since you made that joke. 127 00:08:27,695 --> 00:08:33,725 And I know who drew that thingummyjig on the back of my curriculum vitae! 128 00:08:33,895 --> 00:08:36,329 They like to know your hobbies, Rick. 129 00:08:36,495 --> 00:08:39,055 Well, tiny things please tiny minds. 130 00:08:39,215 --> 00:08:42,207 With a thing that tiny, you'll be hard put to please anything. 131 00:08:43,295 --> 00:08:47,288 Oh! Listen, it's what you do with it that counts! 132 00:08:47,455 --> 00:08:51,494 Can we get on with the game? This is getting tedious. 133 00:08:51,655 --> 00:08:56,604 - I was beginning to enjoy myself. - I'll give you an example. 134 00:08:56,775 --> 00:09:01,769 Now, I think of a famous person, right? Say Neil Armstrong. 135 00:09:01,935 --> 00:09:06,008 I give you the first letter of their second name - ''A''. 136 00:09:06,175 --> 00:09:11,613 - Then you have to guess who I am. - All right. Let me try. 137 00:09:11,775 --> 00:09:15,370 - Are you Neil Armstrong? - No, no. 138 00:09:15,535 --> 00:09:19,733 I mean, yes, but you're not allowed to ask me directly. 139 00:09:19,895 --> 00:09:24,685 You say something like, ''Were you the first man on the moon?'' 140 00:09:24,855 --> 00:09:26,607 Were you the first man on the moon? 141 00:09:26,775 --> 00:09:30,370 - Good. Now, say I don't know... - Neil Armstrong. 142 00:09:30,535 --> 00:09:33,413 Yes, but supposing I didn't know that. 143 00:09:33,575 --> 00:09:38,774 - You'd be stupid. I've told you. - Yes, but say I'd forgotten, 144 00:09:38,935 --> 00:09:43,167 then you can ask me if I'm a man or a woman. 145 00:09:45,335 --> 00:09:48,566 - Pervert! - Oh, this is getting stupid! 146 00:09:48,735 --> 00:09:51,090 Look, let's start again. I'm ''S''. 147 00:09:51,255 --> 00:09:55,453 ''S''. Were you the first man on the moon? 148 00:09:57,215 --> 00:10:01,128 Are you a 12th-century druid and political activist? 149 00:10:01,295 --> 00:10:03,684 Ooh, yes! I know this one! 150 00:10:03,855 --> 00:10:07,768 Um... Oh, God! It's on the tip of my tongue. 151 00:10:07,935 --> 00:10:10,847 Uh... no, you'll have to tell me, Michael. 152 00:10:11,015 --> 00:10:13,051 - Ken Smith. - Of course! 153 00:10:13,215 --> 00:10:15,649 - Are you dead or alive? - Wait. 154 00:10:15,815 --> 00:10:20,331 A 12th-century druid and political activist - Ken Smith? Are you sure? 155 00:10:20,495 --> 00:10:24,852 - Of course. I only just made it up. - Honestly, people! 156 00:10:25,015 --> 00:10:27,973 - Are we playing properly...? - I've got one. 157 00:10:28,135 --> 00:10:30,171 Do you make loads of money 158 00:10:30,335 --> 00:10:33,725 by sticking your fist up a duck's bottom? 159 00:10:33,895 --> 00:10:38,730 No, I'm not Keith Harris! And his name begins with H, you cheat! 160 00:10:38,895 --> 00:10:41,170 Wait, wait. Do you give up? 161 00:10:41,335 --> 00:10:43,803 Do we stop playing this stupid game? 162 00:10:43,975 --> 00:10:46,728 - Of course. - (BOTH) We give up. 163 00:10:46,895 --> 00:10:49,932 - And I'm the best? - (BOTH) Yes. 164 00:10:50,095 --> 00:10:52,768 Right. I'll tell you, then. 165 00:10:52,935 --> 00:10:55,654 I was Paul Squires! 166 00:10:57,695 --> 00:10:59,128 (BOTH) Who? 167 00:11:00,095 --> 00:11:01,972 Surprise! 168 00:11:08,775 --> 00:11:11,926 - I know. Let's play cricket! - Yes! 169 00:11:13,295 --> 00:11:16,253 - Rick, you're the stumps. - Thanks, Mike. 170 00:11:16,415 --> 00:11:18,610 - I'm what? - Shut up, nerdy. 171 00:11:19,215 --> 00:11:21,171 Surprise! 172 00:11:24,495 --> 00:11:26,770 - What's a hippie worth? Six? - Six? 173 00:11:26,935 --> 00:11:29,813 It would be six if you'd killed him. 174 00:11:29,975 --> 00:11:32,535 - Let's say two. - Fair enough. 175 00:11:32,695 --> 00:11:36,210 - I don't want to play. - Rick, shut up. 176 00:11:45,655 --> 00:11:47,407 - Howzat! - Nice one. 177 00:11:47,575 --> 00:11:49,691 - You win. - What's my prize? 178 00:11:49,855 --> 00:11:53,404 - The ashes. Just burn the stumps. - Great. 179 00:11:56,495 --> 00:11:58,611 - Surprise! - More of a shock, Neil. 180 00:11:58,775 --> 00:12:01,573 It's not every day somebody sets fire to you during a cricket match. 181 00:12:03,735 --> 00:12:06,488 Shut up, Rick. No one's on fire. 182 00:12:06,655 --> 00:12:10,204 Neil, it's rare that you interest me, but you have. 183 00:12:10,375 --> 00:12:14,004 Why do you keep coming in, carrying a cake, saying, ''Surprise''? 184 00:12:14,175 --> 00:12:15,688 It's my birthday. 185 00:12:17,735 --> 00:12:20,807 You knew that and we don't care, so where's the surprise? 186 00:12:20,975 --> 00:12:23,569 I baked a cake. 187 00:12:23,735 --> 00:12:26,488 A cake? Can a cake dance? 188 00:12:27,895 --> 00:12:33,049 Can it get you drunk? Will it let you put your hand up its jumper? 189 00:12:33,215 --> 00:12:36,332 I don't know, Mike, but we're having a party, 190 00:12:36,495 --> 00:12:40,408 and you're invited, 'cause you're my fr... Well, you pretend to be... 191 00:12:40,575 --> 00:12:44,363 Well, you don't even pretend to be my friends. You hate me. 192 00:12:44,535 --> 00:12:50,053 If I was in hospital dying, you wouldn't even bother to visit me. 193 00:12:50,215 --> 00:12:53,127 Just like my mother. Everybody hates me. 194 00:12:53,295 --> 00:12:56,093 But we're having a party, and you're here, 195 00:12:56,255 --> 00:12:58,689 so you might as well enjoy yourselves. 196 00:12:58,855 --> 00:13:01,733 (MAN) Stop thatI Stop it nowI 197 00:13:01,895 --> 00:13:06,286 Go on. Rub it off. Oh, now look what you've doneI 198 00:13:06,455 --> 00:13:09,925 Get the picture back before Elephant Head starts singingI 199 00:13:10,095 --> 00:13:12,529 Oh, too lateI 200 00:13:13,895 --> 00:13:15,886 # Think it over 201 00:13:17,895 --> 00:13:21,444 # Stop, in the name of love # 202 00:13:23,135 --> 00:13:26,047 Hi, Vyv. Having a good time? 203 00:13:26,215 --> 00:13:27,728 Yeah. Great. 204 00:13:27,895 --> 00:13:31,854 Great. Uh... I'm glad you could make it to my party. 205 00:13:32,015 --> 00:13:33,971 Well, thanks for inviting me, Neil. 206 00:13:34,135 --> 00:13:37,969 I so rarely get a chance to go out these days. 207 00:13:38,135 --> 00:13:42,492 Yeah, great. Oh, excuse me. 208 00:13:42,655 --> 00:13:46,364 I just have to go and circulate. 209 00:13:46,535 --> 00:13:48,730 Catch you later, OK? 210 00:13:51,135 --> 00:13:53,888 Hi, Mike. It's going well, isn't it? 211 00:13:54,055 --> 00:13:58,173 I was worried before. You know how you get before a party. 212 00:13:58,335 --> 00:14:01,168 ''Is everyone going to turn up?'' 213 00:14:01,335 --> 00:14:04,964 - This is great, isn't it? - Yeah. 214 00:14:06,615 --> 00:14:10,528 Yeah, and just about everyone I invited is here. 215 00:14:10,695 --> 00:14:12,970 - Where's the booze? - Yeah, hippie, 216 00:14:13,135 --> 00:14:15,285 where's the bloody lager? 217 00:14:15,695 --> 00:14:17,845 # I was drinking something puffy 218 00:14:18,015 --> 00:14:20,165 # And the girl just looked straight through me 219 00:14:20,335 --> 00:14:23,008 # So I had a pint of Hawk 220 00:14:23,175 --> 00:14:24,893 # And now she's gonna screw me # 221 00:14:27,295 --> 00:14:30,924 What about Babycham? One glass of that and I'm anybody's! 222 00:14:31,975 --> 00:14:35,729 Then it's a pity that absolutely nobody wants you, then. 223 00:14:35,895 --> 00:14:39,854 Shut up, or I'll tell everybody in this room 224 00:14:40,015 --> 00:14:43,894 that you've got an iron-on cartoon worm on your Y-fronts 225 00:14:44,055 --> 00:14:46,364 that says ''girl bait.'' 226 00:14:48,895 --> 00:14:51,773 Oh, you've been going through my Y-fronts, have you? 227 00:14:51,935 --> 00:14:54,768 I suppose you fancy me, is that it? 228 00:14:56,015 --> 00:14:59,325 Yes! As a matter of fact, I do. 229 00:14:59,495 --> 00:15:05,843 I really fancy you, and I want to give you a big kiss on the bottom! 230 00:15:06,735 --> 00:15:10,171 Urgh, Mike! Mike! Vyvyan's gone all funny! 231 00:15:10,335 --> 00:15:13,486 Urgh! He says he wants to kiss my bottom! 232 00:15:13,655 --> 00:15:16,727 Oh, did I say kiss you on the bottom? 233 00:15:16,895 --> 00:15:20,729 I meant, ''Stick an axe through your spinal column!'' 234 00:15:21,415 --> 00:15:27,411 - Oh, no! My party's having a row! - No booze, Neil. Tempers fray. 235 00:15:27,575 --> 00:15:30,806 Yeah, I'm very sober and very, very bored! 236 00:15:30,975 --> 00:15:33,728 Wait. I know. TV time. 237 00:15:33,895 --> 00:15:35,328 Yeah. 238 00:15:37,255 --> 00:15:40,053 (MUSIC: ''GOD SAVE THE QUEEN'') 239 00:15:40,215 --> 00:15:43,207 Why are they closing down? It's only half past nine. 240 00:15:43,375 --> 00:15:46,606 - It's BBC1, Rick. - Oh, right. 241 00:15:46,775 --> 00:15:48,845 Not this band again. 242 00:15:49,015 --> 00:15:52,087 They're always on! Crap! 243 00:15:52,255 --> 00:15:55,213 What about some Hawkwind or Marillion? 244 00:15:55,375 --> 00:15:59,766 Yeah, fascists! No one tells me what time to go to bed! 245 00:15:59,935 --> 00:16:03,211 - Go to bed, spotty. - Blimey! 246 00:16:03,375 --> 00:16:05,650 - (TESTSIGNAL) - That's better. 247 00:16:06,815 --> 00:16:09,010 Oh, turn it off, Neil. 248 00:16:09,175 --> 00:16:11,928 No, this is really good. (SINGS) Ooooh! 249 00:16:15,615 --> 00:16:17,685 (CRACKLES AND FIZZES) 250 00:16:17,855 --> 00:16:21,404 Oh, Vyvyan. I was just getting into that. 251 00:16:21,575 --> 00:16:25,284 I'm bored and deserve to die. This is the end. 252 00:16:25,455 --> 00:16:28,652 Armageddon! No future! 253 00:16:30,015 --> 00:16:31,653 Bastard! 254 00:16:41,615 --> 00:16:46,484 Well, thank goodness I haven't got to stay with you ghastly so-and-sos. 255 00:16:46,655 --> 00:16:50,614 - I can't wait to get home. - Oh, sorry. I forgot. 256 00:16:50,775 --> 00:16:53,812 - You had a phone call. - Did I? 257 00:16:53,975 --> 00:16:57,490 It was probably Mummy, asking what train I'll be getting. 258 00:16:57,655 --> 00:17:00,886 She gets so overexcited when she hears I'm coming. 259 00:17:01,055 --> 00:17:03,888 She's probably started making shepherd's pies already. 260 00:17:04,055 --> 00:17:07,604 Actually, I don't think she'll be making any more shepherd's pies. 261 00:17:07,775 --> 00:17:10,608 And Daddy, so he's an old square 262 00:17:10,775 --> 00:17:14,768 and votes Tory, but he's got where he is by hard slog, 263 00:17:14,935 --> 00:17:18,166 and he's got to put tax concessions first. 264 00:17:18,335 --> 00:17:23,534 Daddy will be chuffed when he hears about my exam results. Touch wood! 265 00:17:23,695 --> 00:17:28,564 We argue about politics all the time. Did he ask about my exams? 266 00:17:28,735 --> 00:17:32,330 I don't think so. He wouldn't be able to. 267 00:17:32,935 --> 00:17:39,170 I wonder if they've redecorated my bedroom, because I'll never let them! 268 00:17:39,335 --> 00:17:41,849 Rick, your parents died this morning. 269 00:17:42,015 --> 00:17:46,372 I suppose it's a bit childish to have aeroplanes on your wallpaper. 270 00:17:46,535 --> 00:17:51,211 But they are blue, and I am a boy! At least I was last time I looked! 271 00:17:56,095 --> 00:18:01,010 - My parents are dead? - So, I guess you're staying here. 272 00:18:01,575 --> 00:18:04,647 I... I can't believe it. 273 00:18:04,815 --> 00:18:07,170 My parents are dead. 274 00:18:07,335 --> 00:18:12,455 - You think that's bad? - Yes, I do, actually, piss-face! 275 00:18:12,615 --> 00:18:16,847 - Shut up. You're ruining my holiday. - What about my holiday?! 276 00:18:17,015 --> 00:18:19,051 Both my parents are dead! 277 00:18:19,215 --> 00:18:23,606 The selfish bastards! I was going to spend the summer with them! 278 00:18:23,775 --> 00:18:27,085 Shut up, right. Shut up and listen, right, for once. 279 00:18:27,255 --> 00:18:32,090 All the bad things that have happened to you have happened to me before, 280 00:18:32,255 --> 00:18:35,531 twice as badly, for twice as long, so shut up. 281 00:18:35,695 --> 00:18:37,890 - Shut up yourself! - Both of you shut up! 282 00:18:38,055 --> 00:18:41,172 - Everybody shut up! - Who are you, telling me to shut up? 283 00:18:41,335 --> 00:18:43,485 Yeah, who are you? A cinema commissionaire? 284 00:18:43,655 --> 00:18:46,408 - He thinks he's Giant Haystacks. - Or José Feliciano. 285 00:18:46,575 --> 00:18:48,884 Someone with a girl's name, anyway. 286 00:18:50,415 --> 00:18:53,771 Look on the bright side. The holiday can't get any worse. 287 00:18:58,375 --> 00:19:01,447 - Evening, boys! - (All) Oh, no! 288 00:19:01,615 --> 00:19:04,846 Hey, guys, some sod broke your window. 289 00:19:05,815 --> 00:19:08,932 That's £18 you owe me. 290 00:19:09,095 --> 00:19:11,893 Go away, Balowski. This is a private party. 291 00:19:12,055 --> 00:19:14,125 # Ba-Ba-Ba, Ba-Barbara Ann. 292 00:19:14,295 --> 00:19:16,251 # Ba-ba-ba, Ba-Bar... # 293 00:19:16,415 --> 00:19:20,294 Oh, some sod broke your chair. That's what happens at parties. 294 00:19:20,455 --> 00:19:23,049 That's another £27 you owe me. 295 00:19:23,215 --> 00:19:26,605 - Could you come back later? - Next year? 296 00:19:26,775 --> 00:19:29,812 Mr Balowski, you're the worst landlord ever! 297 00:19:29,975 --> 00:19:33,888 You think I'm the worst landlord ever? You should see me! 298 00:19:34,055 --> 00:19:35,374 I'm so funny! 299 00:19:36,335 --> 00:19:38,769 (GROWLS) 300 00:19:42,335 --> 00:19:45,407 Wow! That was amazing! 301 00:19:45,575 --> 00:19:49,773 OK, the beautiful items that Jerzei has given you, 302 00:19:49,935 --> 00:19:52,847 the Western consumer items, let's see what you've done with them. 303 00:19:53,015 --> 00:19:56,564 - Number One, a beautiful TV set. - Smashed. 304 00:19:56,735 --> 00:19:59,966 That's £97 you owe me. Number two... 305 00:20:01,055 --> 00:20:03,091 Number twos! 306 00:20:05,695 --> 00:20:09,768 Number Two, one beautiful Afghan carpet that I bought at Top Shop. 307 00:20:09,935 --> 00:20:13,007 - That's OK. - A bit bloodstained, but... 308 00:20:13,175 --> 00:20:16,406 - And some puke. - What exactly is this? 309 00:20:16,575 --> 00:20:21,012 Is this a zoo? Do we say, ''See the elephants at Jerzei's house''? 310 00:20:21,175 --> 00:20:25,453 No, we don't. I'll charge you £2,000 for parking that there. 311 00:20:25,615 --> 00:20:29,210 And finally, one beautiful Huntley & Palmers-style fridge. 312 00:20:29,375 --> 00:20:31,206 (EXPLOSION) 313 00:20:34,095 --> 00:20:36,131 Oh, no! 314 00:20:36,295 --> 00:20:39,605 I never knew I wore a wig. Urgh! 315 00:20:41,175 --> 00:20:45,532 The bad new is, you owe me £1,400 in back rent, damages 316 00:20:45,695 --> 00:20:48,653 and hire of your fancy swimwear for 17 years. 317 00:20:48,815 --> 00:20:52,933 - And you are all evicted. - Oh, ruddy heck! 318 00:20:53,095 --> 00:20:55,893 Hello. Let me introduce myself. 319 00:20:56,055 --> 00:20:59,934 I'm God. You didn't expect a woman, did you? 320 00:21:00,095 --> 00:21:04,646 Welcome to your Jerzei Homes showhouse. What a great house it is. 321 00:21:04,815 --> 00:21:08,251 We don't need some old actor in a helicopter 322 00:21:08,415 --> 00:21:11,930 to sell you a Jerzei Home, because Jerzei Homes are great. 323 00:21:12,095 --> 00:21:16,486 They're crazy. You get furniture with the emphasis on comedy. 324 00:21:16,655 --> 00:21:18,850 It's zany. It's crazy. It's wild. 325 00:21:19,015 --> 00:21:21,131 It's the wackiest house on television! 326 00:21:21,295 --> 00:21:23,968 If it isn't, may God strike me dead! 327 00:21:35,415 --> 00:21:36,734 # The way that you run 328 00:21:36,895 --> 00:21:39,932 # And the way that you walk is all body talk 329 00:21:40,935 --> 00:21:42,368 # The way you move your hips 330 00:21:42,535 --> 00:21:44,969 # And the way that your lips hold your cigarettes 331 00:21:46,935 --> 00:21:49,893 # If you gonna laugh, if you're gonna cry 332 00:21:50,055 --> 00:21:53,252 # Oh, honey, you give it away with your body talk 333 00:21:56,535 --> 00:21:57,888 # Every time you breathe 334 00:21:58,055 --> 00:22:00,364 # And every time you sneeze, body talk 335 00:22:01,975 --> 00:22:03,408 # If you're having a good time 336 00:22:03,575 --> 00:22:05,645 # Or are just plain bored or undecided 337 00:22:07,495 --> 00:22:10,965 # If you're thinking of me passionately 338 00:22:11,135 --> 00:22:14,172 # Hmm-hmm, I can see by body talk... 339 00:22:14,335 --> 00:22:16,690 (SNORES) 340 00:22:16,855 --> 00:22:19,164 # Can you hear my body talking? 341 00:22:22,175 --> 00:22:24,643 # Can you hear my body talking? 342 00:22:26,175 --> 00:22:29,133 # Can you hear my body shouting? 343 00:22:29,295 --> 00:22:32,173 # I'm making so much noise with my body 344 00:22:38,975 --> 00:22:41,648 I'll bloody well make his body talk. 345 00:22:41,815 --> 00:22:44,454 # Whey-hey-heyI # 346 00:23:05,735 --> 00:23:09,933 - God, I can't live like this. - You wanted to live on the road. 347 00:23:10,095 --> 00:23:15,488 Thatcher's Britain. Thatcher's bloody Britain! 348 00:23:15,655 --> 00:23:18,613 Look at me. I'm young. I'm pretty. 349 00:23:18,775 --> 00:23:21,494 I've got five O-Levels. Blummin' good grades, 350 00:23:21,655 --> 00:23:23,850 considering I didn't work because I'm hard. 351 00:23:24,015 --> 00:23:28,008 And look at me now. Homeless, cold and prostitute. 352 00:23:29,055 --> 00:23:31,853 - Destitute, Rick. - Glory be and save us! 353 00:23:32,015 --> 00:23:34,165 Do we have to mince words? 354 00:23:34,335 --> 00:23:40,683 Anyway, I can sell my body if I want. Who cares? I'm gorgeous! I am sex! 355 00:23:40,855 --> 00:23:44,928 Women want me and will pay, so keep your phony morality! 356 00:23:45,095 --> 00:23:49,407 It's dog-eat-cat, and you won't find me in a tin of Pedigree Chum. 357 00:23:49,575 --> 00:23:54,933 - You can't be a destitute, Rick. - Why not, prudey square? 358 00:23:55,095 --> 00:23:58,644 Well, who'd want to go to bed with you? 359 00:23:58,815 --> 00:24:01,454 Look, dawn's coming up. 360 00:24:01,615 --> 00:24:03,173 (ALL) Hi, dawn. 361 00:24:03,335 --> 00:24:05,326 Hello, boys. 362 00:24:05,495 --> 00:24:07,929 - Hi, Dawn. - Hi, boys! 363 00:24:08,095 --> 00:24:12,088 Haven't seen you since the end of term. Why are you in the gutter? 364 00:24:12,255 --> 00:24:15,133 We got evicted by a complete bastard. 365 00:24:15,295 --> 00:24:21,086 Oh, never mind. Our results are through. That should cheer you up. 366 00:24:21,255 --> 00:24:26,283 I've just been to get mine early, because I'm such a girlie swot. 367 00:24:27,335 --> 00:24:31,886 I knew I was going to do brilliantly, and I did. Ciao. 368 00:24:33,215 --> 00:24:37,652 Dawn. Dawn. Hi. Obviously, you're feeling pretty good about everything. 369 00:24:37,815 --> 00:24:40,727 I was wondering if you fancied celebrating 370 00:24:40,895 --> 00:24:44,126 by letting me show you a really good time... 371 00:24:44,295 --> 00:24:45,887 obviously for lots of money. 372 00:24:46,055 --> 00:24:48,250 - All right. - What? 373 00:24:48,415 --> 00:24:52,966 - All right. How much have you got? - Oh, no. You pay me. 374 00:24:53,135 --> 00:24:55,695 You must be joking! 375 00:24:55,855 --> 00:24:58,892 Look, here comes the postman. 376 00:24:59,895 --> 00:25:02,932 Vyvyan, why do you keep telling us what's happening next? 377 00:25:03,095 --> 00:25:07,452 Because it's a studio set, and they can't afford long shots. 378 00:25:07,615 --> 00:25:10,209 Guten Morgen, meine kleines Freundliches. 379 00:25:10,375 --> 00:25:13,128 Bloody hell! Give them a uniform and they think they're Hitler. 380 00:25:13,295 --> 00:25:18,972 I brought your exam results. I opened them. I didn't think you'd mind. 381 00:25:19,135 --> 00:25:22,605 Exam results! Great! This is my ticket out of the gutter. 382 00:25:22,775 --> 00:25:26,006 There's big bucks for a guy with a degree in domestic science. 383 00:25:26,175 --> 00:25:29,326 Mrs Thatcher's certainly got this country on its feet. 384 00:25:29,495 --> 00:25:32,453 You have come bottom in the whole world. 385 00:25:32,615 --> 00:25:34,651 Hooray! 386 00:25:35,655 --> 00:25:38,533 - Who came top out of us? - You, Neil. 387 00:25:38,695 --> 00:25:42,370 Then Mike, then Vyvyan, then Rick. Ha! 388 00:25:43,375 --> 00:25:44,967 You bloody little swot, Neil! 389 00:25:45,135 --> 00:25:48,969 - You bloody swot! - I came top out of us. 390 00:25:49,135 --> 00:25:53,208 Oh, who cares about exams? Who cares about life? 391 00:25:53,375 --> 00:25:57,687 Who cares about me? Not me, that's for sure! Look. 392 00:25:58,375 --> 00:26:00,331 I just don't care. 393 00:26:00,495 --> 00:26:05,171 I care. I'm used to high and easy living. 394 00:26:05,335 --> 00:26:10,534 I know about dirt. I used to eat it. I'm never going back, you hear? 395 00:26:10,695 --> 00:26:13,493 - (RICK) What? - I'm never going back! 396 00:26:14,735 --> 00:26:20,924 I swear now that whatever I do, I'll never be poor or hungry again. 397 00:26:23,295 --> 00:26:26,924 OK, guys. I've got a plan. Now, listen carefully. 398 00:26:27,095 --> 00:26:29,086 (WHISPERING) 399 00:26:30,535 --> 00:26:34,972 - You got that? - Yeah. We go, ''Psshh.'' Brilliant. 400 00:26:38,135 --> 00:26:42,128 Mike, Mike, don't you think robbing a bank is...? 401 00:26:42,295 --> 00:26:45,810 Well, it's tantamount to stealing, really. 402 00:26:45,975 --> 00:26:49,126 C'mon, let's do it! White riot. Stand down, Margaret. 403 00:26:49,295 --> 00:26:53,811 I've got hate in my eyes. I've got a one-way ticket to oblivion 404 00:26:53,975 --> 00:26:56,250 and I'm gonna raise hell getting there! 405 00:26:56,415 --> 00:27:00,124 - Let's do it. - Yeah...! You mean now?! 406 00:27:01,015 --> 00:27:04,052 - I've got the stocks, Michael. - What? 407 00:27:04,215 --> 00:27:06,570 You said we need stocks on our heads. 408 00:27:06,735 --> 00:27:10,648 Stockings, Vyvyan! Like tights. 409 00:27:10,815 --> 00:27:14,171 Urgh! I'm not putting my head where some horrid girlie's bottom has been. 410 00:27:15,935 --> 00:27:18,165 I will! 411 00:27:18,335 --> 00:27:21,850 No, it doesn't matter. This is a one-off job. 412 00:27:22,015 --> 00:27:27,647 All right, take these. Now, just say I didn't get them at Tesco's, OK? 413 00:27:27,815 --> 00:27:31,125 - I didn't get them at Tesco's, OK? - Shut up! 414 00:27:31,295 --> 00:27:34,367 Now, for God's sake, don't go using them. 415 00:27:34,535 --> 00:27:38,767 - Why not, Mike? - Yeah! Robin Hood! Baader-Meinhof! 416 00:27:38,935 --> 00:27:40,926 They didn't have to become bank clerks. 417 00:27:41,095 --> 00:27:44,292 They knew the risks. Let's let them have it! 418 00:27:44,455 --> 00:27:49,404 We can't. If we do that, they may discover these are water pistols. 419 00:27:50,215 --> 00:27:53,093 - Brilliant! - Has everybody got their alibis? 420 00:27:53,255 --> 00:27:55,211 - (ALL) Yes. - Vyvyan? 421 00:27:55,375 --> 00:27:57,935 - It was Rick. - Neil? 422 00:27:58,095 --> 00:28:00,245 - It was Rick. - Rick. 423 00:28:00,415 --> 00:28:02,565 - It was me. - What's your alibi? 424 00:28:02,735 --> 00:28:05,169 I don't need one. I phone the police. 425 00:28:06,255 --> 00:28:09,292 OK, Vyv, keep the engine running. 426 00:28:09,455 --> 00:28:12,652 The getaway car is the most essential element in any robbery. 427 00:28:12,815 --> 00:28:14,612 Message received and understood. 428 00:28:17,335 --> 00:28:19,485 All right! ''Dog Day Afternoon''. 429 00:28:19,655 --> 00:28:22,044 Typical. The place is completely packed. 430 00:28:22,215 --> 00:28:25,048 - Why don't they put more staff on? - Yeah. 431 00:28:25,215 --> 00:28:30,494 And if we join one queue, the other is bound to start moving quickly. 432 00:28:30,655 --> 00:28:35,604 If we join that one, then the other one will start moving quickly. 433 00:28:35,775 --> 00:28:39,893 Whichever queue we're in, the guy in front will be from a penny arcade 434 00:28:40,055 --> 00:28:42,694 cashing up millions of pennies. 435 00:28:42,855 --> 00:28:46,245 All right, Mr Real Robber, the manager will see you now. 436 00:28:47,895 --> 00:28:51,251 The solution is simple. We join separate queues. 437 00:28:51,415 --> 00:28:54,691 The one who gets served first starts the robbery. 438 00:28:54,855 --> 00:28:56,208 I'd like to open a bank account, please. 439 00:28:56,375 --> 00:29:00,653 - Good morning, sir. - You need a steady job, 440 00:29:00,815 --> 00:29:04,444 cash, and a reference from your bank manager. 441 00:29:04,615 --> 00:29:07,209 Hello. Do you work here? 442 00:29:07,375 --> 00:29:10,447 Yeah, the penny arcade across the road. 443 00:29:10,615 --> 00:29:14,051 I've pushed the alarm and the police will be here soon. 444 00:29:14,215 --> 00:29:17,605 - Put the money in the sack. - Of course, yes. 445 00:29:17,775 --> 00:29:20,892 Banks are only open for about five minutes a day. 446 00:29:21,055 --> 00:29:25,606 The only people there are unemployed, who aren't supposed to have money. 447 00:29:25,775 --> 00:29:28,414 - Good morning, sir. - Hello, I... 448 00:29:28,575 --> 00:29:29,894 - Good morning, sir. - Yes, hello... 449 00:29:30,055 --> 00:29:33,411 - Good morning, sir. - Shut up! 450 00:29:33,575 --> 00:29:36,772 Excuse me. This is our ''good morning'' window, 451 00:29:36,935 --> 00:29:39,847 where customers experience the nice face of the bank. 452 00:29:40,015 --> 00:29:43,007 For financial transactions, try any other window. 453 00:29:43,175 --> 00:29:45,928 Look, I'm not queuing again! All I want... 454 00:29:46,095 --> 00:29:50,646 (LOUDHAILER) This is the police. please be calm. 455 00:29:50,815 --> 00:29:56,128 A robbery is taking place. Lie down on the floor and await instructions. 456 00:29:56,295 --> 00:29:58,206 We have the place surrounded. 457 00:29:58,375 --> 00:30:00,809 Bloody pigs! I didn't finish my sentence. 458 00:30:00,975 --> 00:30:03,887 Mike, the bank's being robbed. Quick, get down! 459 00:30:04,055 --> 00:30:06,649 - We're doing the robbery! - Oh, yeah. 460 00:30:06,815 --> 00:30:11,286 All right. If they won't let us out, we'll shoot a hostage. 461 00:30:11,455 --> 00:30:13,605 Yeah. Let's shoot Neil. 462 00:30:13,775 --> 00:30:17,654 What? Oh, yeah. OK, if you think it will help. 463 00:30:19,295 --> 00:30:21,331 I don't mind. It's only water pistols. 464 00:30:21,495 --> 00:30:25,488 - (RICK) Shh! - I told you that was our secret! 465 00:30:25,655 --> 00:30:27,964 - Water pistols?! - Good morning, sir. 466 00:30:28,135 --> 00:30:32,925 Neil, you've ruined it. I never got to shout, ''Give me the money.'' 467 00:30:33,095 --> 00:30:34,813 - What?! - Bloody hell! 468 00:30:34,975 --> 00:30:36,294 Quick! 469 00:30:42,895 --> 00:30:46,774 We did it! We bloody did it! And it was mostly me! 470 00:30:46,935 --> 00:30:50,371 - Come on! - We did it! We did it! 471 00:30:58,295 --> 00:31:03,130 Oh, what have I done? (SOBS) 472 00:31:03,295 --> 00:31:05,525 Come on. There's no time for that. 473 00:31:05,695 --> 00:31:09,324 My car! My beautiful, beautiful car! 474 00:31:09,495 --> 00:31:11,565 (SIRENS) 475 00:31:11,735 --> 00:31:14,295 Oh, no! The pigs! 476 00:31:14,455 --> 00:31:17,731 This is it, guys! I'll see you later! 477 00:31:18,975 --> 00:31:21,091 Oh. Yellow chicken! 478 00:31:21,255 --> 00:31:23,086 (WAILS) 479 00:31:23,255 --> 00:31:26,611 Forget about your car, Vyvyan. Start again without it. 480 00:31:26,775 --> 00:31:31,485 - After all, you've still got SPG. - I don't think so, Michael. 481 00:31:31,655 --> 00:31:34,965 He was asleep on the radiator. 482 00:31:38,695 --> 00:31:40,651 (BAGPIPES) 483 00:31:40,815 --> 00:31:42,931 I'll see you later, you wimp. 484 00:31:43,095 --> 00:31:45,450 We've got our whole lives ahead of us. 485 00:31:45,615 --> 00:31:48,448 It's just that we'll be spending them in prison. 486 00:31:50,615 --> 00:31:53,129 - Oh, yeah? - Oh, yeah. 487 00:31:53,295 --> 00:31:55,650 Oh, no! 488 00:32:00,415 --> 00:32:04,169 (INAUDIBLE) 489 00:32:08,655 --> 00:32:12,534 (GUITAR PLAYS OFF-KEY) 490 00:32:19,615 --> 00:32:23,130 (ALL SING) # We're all going on a summer holiday 491 00:32:23,295 --> 00:32:26,571 # No more working for a week or two 492 00:32:26,735 --> 00:32:30,284 # Fun and laughter on a summer holiday... # 493 00:32:30,455 --> 00:32:33,652 (TUNELESS WAILING) 494 00:32:36,935 --> 00:32:39,210 (OFF-KEY) 495 00:32:39,375 --> 00:32:44,495 - Yes! Yes! It's really happening! - Basingstoke, 35 miles! 496 00:32:44,655 --> 00:32:47,886 This is what I call riding in a double-decker bus. 497 00:32:48,055 --> 00:32:52,207 Right on. I'm aboard the Freedom Bus, heading for Good Time City, 498 00:32:52,375 --> 00:32:54,525 and I haven't even paid my fare! 499 00:32:54,695 --> 00:32:59,610 Look, we need to pick up some great girls whose car has broken down, 500 00:32:59,775 --> 00:33:01,891 and they can cook and clean. 501 00:33:02,055 --> 00:33:04,444 Yes, girls like Una Stubbs. 502 00:33:04,615 --> 00:33:08,927 Una Stubbs! Yeah, fantastic! We can all play charades. 503 00:33:09,095 --> 00:33:13,964 Charades?! Ha! More like nudie plod games. 504 00:33:14,135 --> 00:33:16,649 (TYRES SCREECH) 505 00:33:16,815 --> 00:33:21,172 What's the difference? There'll be plenty of chicks on the road. 506 00:33:21,335 --> 00:33:23,929 This is it! It's really happening! 507 00:33:24,095 --> 00:33:28,566 Who needs qualifications? Who cares about Thatcher and unemployment? 508 00:33:28,735 --> 00:33:32,887 We can do whatever we want to do! And do you know why? 509 00:33:33,055 --> 00:33:36,252 Because we're young ones. Bachelor boys! 510 00:33:36,415 --> 00:33:41,045 Crazy, mad, wild-eyed, big-bottomed anarchists! 511 00:33:42,055 --> 00:33:44,649 Look out! Cliff! 512 00:33:44,855 --> 00:33:46,447 (BRAKES SCREECH) 513 00:34:02,855 --> 00:34:04,971 (ALL) Phew! That was close!