1
00:00:00,535 --> 00:00:01,954
Scientific rivalries

2
00:00:01,954 --> 00:00:03,113
are a fact of life.

3
00:00:03,270 --> 00:00:05,668
When two competing scientists
work on a project,

4
00:00:05,933 --> 00:00:08,709
it can devolve into
an intellectual boxing match.

5
00:00:08,802 --> 00:00:11,096
Over the years, there's been
a few classic heavyweight bouts.

6
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Newton and Leibniz.

7
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Tesla and Edison.

8
00:00:15,211 --> 00:00:18,603
And in a lesser-known
but equally brutal bout...

9
00:00:18,603 --> 00:00:21,230
Linkletter versus Sturgis,

10
00:00:21,230 --> 00:00:23,524
The Tussle with No Muscle.

11
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Let's see how they stack up

12
00:00:25,944 --> 00:00:27,737
in a tale of the tape.

13
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In the wire frame glasses,
the Eureka from Topeka,

14
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Grant Linkletter.

15
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159.

16
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Papers published: 272.

17
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Bedtime: 8:30.

18
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And his opponent,

19
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in his favorite sensible shoes,

20
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The Brain from Maine,

21
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John Burgess Sturgis!

22
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162.

23
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Papers published: 221.

24
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Bedtime: 7:45 on weekdays,

25
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9:00 on Saturday night.

26
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Fasten your thinking caps
and let's get it on.

27
00:01:09,487 --> 00:01:12,309
The free-streaming length
of the axion is too long.

28
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It'll erase the fluctuations.

29
00:01:14,257 --> 00:01:15,431
You're completely forgetting

30
00:01:15,456 --> 00:01:17,829
that it is nonrelativistic
dark matter.

31
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You'll never have the resolution

32
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to see microkelvin features.

33
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I think your brain is as smooth
as the top of your head.

34
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Low blow, Grant.

35
00:01:25,795 --> 00:01:28,423
He's right, gentlemen,
let's keep it to science.

36
00:01:29,424 --> 00:01:31,175
You'll never have the resolution

37
00:01:31,175 --> 00:01:33,177
to see microkelvin features.

38
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♪ Nobody else
is stronger than I am ♪

39
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♪ Yesterday I moved a mountain ♪

40
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♪ I bet I could be your hero ♪

41
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♪ I am a mighty little man ♪

42
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♪ I am a mighty little man. ♪

43
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I cannot work with that creepy
little know-it-all one more day.

44
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I-I'm sorry, but are we talking
about Sheldon or Sturgis?

45
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Sturgis.
Well, both, but mostly Sturgis.

46
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He's not interested
in anyone else's input.

47
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I-I'm sorry,
Sheldon or Linkletter?

48
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Linkletter.

49
00:02:10,933 --> 00:02:13,311
Ah, got it. Continue.

50
00:02:13,311 --> 00:02:14,270
Well?

51
00:02:14,270 --> 00:02:15,605
But I thought you wanted

52
00:02:15,605 --> 00:02:17,648
Dr. Sturgis on this project.

53
00:02:17,648 --> 00:02:20,026
I'll admit John
has been useful, but now

54
00:02:20,026 --> 00:02:21,694
he's just slowing us down.

55
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Well, he keeps Sheldon happy,

56
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and when Sheldon's happy,
he's not in this office.

57
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Well, but when he's not in
your office, he's in my office.

58
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Eh, "dem's da breaks."

59
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I was brought in to help

60
00:02:32,830 --> 00:02:35,666
but Dr. Linkletter
doesn't value my input.

61
00:02:35,666 --> 00:02:38,669
Oh, I hear you.
That must be tough.

62
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Ever since he was brought back,
he contradicts everything I say.

63
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I hear you. That must be tough.

64
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There was a time when
their arguing brought out

65
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the best in them, but now
it's just hindering our work.

66
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I hear you. That must be tough.

67
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Thank you for understanding.

68
00:02:52,808 --> 00:02:55,102
And between us,

69
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I am counting on you
being in charge.

70
00:02:58,189 --> 00:02:59,565
Excellent.

71
00:02:59,565 --> 00:03:01,943
You're the alpha dog
on this project.

72
00:03:01,943 --> 00:03:03,361
Very good.

73
00:03:03,361 --> 00:03:05,780
But shouldn't we tell everyone?

74
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Oh, no, no, no, no. I can't
be seen as playing favorites.

75
00:03:08,991 --> 00:03:12,870
But what's important
is that I know and you know.

76
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Smart.

77
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But not as smart as you.

78
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Oh.

79
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Which is why, uh,
just between us,

80
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I am counting on you to keep
the train on the tracks.

81
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Well, I appreciate
the vote of confidence.

82
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And the sweet train metaphor.
Well, good.

83
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You know, I just
want you to be happy.

84
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I guess in a way I'm kind
of like the son you never had.

85
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Sure.

86
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Which is nice,
because you're far too old

87
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to have children now.

88
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And you make me feel okay
about that.

89
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Wait.

90
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$20 on pump four, please.

91
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You got it.

92
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Here you go.

93
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What's this?

94
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Promotion for the new lottery.

95
00:03:53,536 --> 00:03:55,496
Every ten gallons,
you get a free scratcher.

96
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Oh, I don't believe in gambling.

97
00:03:57,540 --> 00:03:58,624
Great, I'll take it.

98
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Oh, I don't believe

99
00:03:59,750 --> 00:04:00,876
you should be gambling, either.

100
00:04:00,876 --> 00:04:02,086
So, you don't want it?

101
00:04:02,086 --> 00:04:03,838
No.
Then I'm scratching it.

102
00:04:03,838 --> 00:04:06,298
Sorry. Not on my watch.

103
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You can thank me in heaven.

104
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What's this formula?

105
00:04:15,808 --> 00:04:17,518
This wasn't here yesterday.

106
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Dr. Linkletter added it
after you left.

107
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Was he trying to be funny?

108
00:04:21,522 --> 00:04:24,192
He was giggling
at your "feebleminded math."

109
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His words.

110
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He's trying to approximate

111
00:04:26,945 --> 00:04:29,698
the cosmic background radiation
by setting it

112
00:04:29,698 --> 00:04:35,120
at one Rydberg over Z,
and my math is feebleminded?

113
00:04:38,081 --> 00:04:39,458
What do you think you're doing?

114
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I'm changing the estimate

115
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to Robert Dicke's value
of 45 kelvin.

116
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I wasn't here the last time
he went off his rocker.

117
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Is this what it looked like?

118
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I'm perfectly sane,
and I'm telling you,

119
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Dicke's estimate
is the way to go.

120
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And I'm telling you
we need to use

121
00:04:55,849 --> 00:04:58,310
one Rydberg over Z,
and that is final.

122
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Oh, is it, you albino beanpole?

123
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Dr. Sturgis.

124
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He impugned my mental stability.

125
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Fair enough. Your insult stands.

126
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Thank you. Beanpole.

127
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Ooh.

128
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Oh, man.

129
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God, I swear I'll never ask

130
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for anything again,
just one more 500.

131
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Thank you.

132
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Melissa Cooper,
what are you doing with that?

133
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I found it.

134
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Well, it is mine, and
I threw it away for a reason.

135
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It's mine now,
and I might win 500 bucks.

136
00:05:44,981 --> 00:05:47,025
Oh, no, you won't.

137
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I'll split it with you. No.

138
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Why are you being so lame?

139
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Because money
does not buy happiness.

140
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Fresh Prince seems pretty happy.

141
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It is not his money,
it's his Uncle Phil's!

142
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Half of that's mine.
I prayed for it.

143
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Go to your room.

144
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You're wasting valuable time.

145
00:06:28,150 --> 00:06:29,568
I'm not, you are.

146
00:06:29,568 --> 00:06:30,777
Gentlemen,
if we could please keep

147
00:06:30,777 --> 00:06:32,237
this train on the tracks...

148
00:06:32,237 --> 00:06:33,822
We'll be on track
if we follow my plan,

149
00:06:33,822 --> 00:06:35,615
so I'm afraid I'm going
to have to insist.

150
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Insist?

151
00:06:36,950 --> 00:06:38,702
You're not the alpha dog
around here.

152
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I agree.

153
00:06:39,786 --> 00:06:41,371
This may be hard for both of you

154
00:06:41,371 --> 00:06:44,416
to hear, but President Hagemeyer
put me in charge.

155
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I know for a fact
that isn't true,

156
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because she put me in charge.

157
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We may have a problem.

158
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What can I say?

159
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I tried something.

160
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So you really thought

161
00:07:02,559 --> 00:07:03,727
you could tell us
we were all in charge

162
00:07:03,727 --> 00:07:05,312
and we wouldn't
figure it out?

163
00:07:05,312 --> 00:07:07,230
Well, in my defense,
I said to each of you,

164
00:07:07,230 --> 00:07:09,191
"Let's keep this
between us."

165
00:07:09,191 --> 00:07:12,694
I'm a little disappointed
that you broke my trust.

166
00:07:12,694 --> 00:07:14,696
That is true. We're sorry.

167
00:07:14,696 --> 00:07:17,199
Don't apologize for that.
We were being manipulated.

168
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You were the one
who blabbed first.

169
00:07:18,700 --> 00:07:20,202
That's because you kept
slowing us down

170
00:07:20,202 --> 00:07:21,828
with your outmoded ideas.

171
00:07:21,828 --> 00:07:23,747
Gentlemen, if we could
just follow my plan...

172
00:07:23,747 --> 00:07:25,040
No.
No.

173
00:07:25,040 --> 00:07:27,000
Well, I hope
that you're starting

174
00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:30,045
to see the challenge I faced
putting any of you in charge.

175
00:07:30,045 --> 00:07:31,129
You're right, we're sorry.

176
00:07:31,129 --> 00:07:33,256
Stop that. Sorry.

177
00:07:33,256 --> 00:07:34,716
Well, we can't move forward

178
00:07:34,716 --> 00:07:36,718
until a project leader
is chosen.

179
00:07:36,718 --> 00:07:38,303
He's right, I'll do it.

180
00:07:38,303 --> 00:07:40,055
You're a child.
You're a child.

181
00:07:40,055 --> 00:07:41,306
Oh, you're all children.

182
00:07:41,306 --> 00:07:43,183
Sorry. Sorry.

183
00:07:44,059 --> 00:07:46,394
Well, who's it gonna be?

184
00:07:46,394 --> 00:07:48,355
Gentlemen, I'm Dr. Carol Lee,

185
00:07:48,355 --> 00:07:51,566
director of the new
experimental cosmology center.

186
00:07:51,566 --> 00:07:54,069
What makes you qualified
to lead our project?

187
00:07:54,069 --> 00:07:55,737
Yeah.
Yeah.

188
00:07:55,737 --> 00:07:59,032
Well, I have a PhD in physics
from Berkeley,

189
00:07:59,032 --> 00:08:01,451
I worked at IBM's
Watson Research Center

190
00:08:01,451 --> 00:08:03,328
as lead of the materials
research group,

191
00:08:03,328 --> 00:08:05,497
and I raised
three little boys,

192
00:08:05,497 --> 00:08:06,957
which I understand

193
00:08:06,957 --> 00:08:08,833
you've been acting like.

194
00:08:11,079 --> 00:08:12,462
Sounds like she can handle it.

195
00:08:13,245 --> 00:08:14,464
Dear Lord, please forgive me.

196
00:08:14,464 --> 00:08:16,132
I shouldn't have
finished that scratcher.

197
00:08:16,132 --> 00:08:18,051
That was wrong.

198
00:08:18,051 --> 00:08:23,390
But now that I have the money,
my family could really use it.

199
00:08:23,390 --> 00:08:26,059
I know. Gambling is a sin.

200
00:08:26,059 --> 00:08:29,104
Although, I didn't buy
the scratcher,

201
00:08:29,104 --> 00:08:31,356
so is that even gambling?

202
00:08:31,356 --> 00:08:33,441
Why is Missy saying we're rich?

203
00:08:34,859 --> 00:08:38,863
I suggest we mount a radio
telescope on the roof

204
00:08:38,863 --> 00:08:40,365
so that we can get a good read

205
00:08:40,365 --> 00:08:42,492
on the fluctuations
in radiation.

206
00:08:42,492 --> 00:08:44,160
Excellent.

207
00:08:44,160 --> 00:08:46,788
We'll pick a small region
of the sky and drill down.

208
00:08:46,788 --> 00:08:48,790
Whoa, whoa, pump your brakes.

209
00:08:48,790 --> 00:08:51,668
We need at least
a 45-square-degree sector

210
00:08:51,668 --> 00:08:54,713
of the sky in order to take
any meaningful readings.

211
00:08:54,713 --> 00:08:56,298
That's ridiculous.
What we need to do is cut

212
00:08:56,298 --> 00:08:58,717
a single linear section
across the horizon.

213
00:08:58,717 --> 00:09:01,052
No, if we don't focus,
we won't get any useful data.

214
00:09:01,052 --> 00:09:02,637
I suggest 20
arc minutes max.

215
00:09:02,637 --> 00:09:05,098
The trick is to pick
a good spot.

216
00:09:05,098 --> 00:09:08,351
You want a trick?
Go see David Copperfield.

217
00:09:08,351 --> 00:09:09,561
How about I make you disappear?

218
00:09:10,812 --> 00:09:12,397
Do I need to separate you?

219
00:09:12,397 --> 00:09:16,401
Or can we try to put
our minds together

220
00:09:16,401 --> 00:09:19,029
for the advancement of science?

221
00:09:19,029 --> 00:09:21,323
The second one.

222
00:09:21,323 --> 00:09:23,908
I know you're new here, ma'am,
but this is our process.

223
00:09:23,908 --> 00:09:25,827
They argue, I swoop in
and save the day.

224
00:09:25,827 --> 00:09:27,912
It may seem unorthodox
to you, however...

225
00:09:29,873 --> 00:09:31,416
The-the second one.

226
00:09:32,667 --> 00:09:35,128
I'm gonna tell you right now,
we can't keep it.

227
00:09:35,128 --> 00:09:38,340
It's not a puppy, Mary,
it's 500 bucks.

228
00:09:38,340 --> 00:09:39,841
It is gambling.

229
00:09:39,841 --> 00:09:41,593
Then why'd you buy the ticket?

230
00:09:41,593 --> 00:09:44,346
I didn't buy it. They gave it
to me at the gas station.

231
00:09:44,346 --> 00:09:47,891
Okay, well, that sounds
like a gift from God.

232
00:09:47,891 --> 00:09:49,309
You don't want to make Him mad.

233
00:09:49,309 --> 00:09:51,478
That is not how God
works, George.

234
00:09:51,478 --> 00:09:54,105
What if he wanted you to have it
to give to the Church?

235
00:09:54,105 --> 00:09:55,857
Well...

236
00:09:55,857 --> 00:09:58,151
Well, uh, based on that,
what if he wanted you to have it

237
00:09:58,151 --> 00:10:00,320
so we could buy stuff?
George.

238
00:10:00,320 --> 00:10:03,156
All I'm saying is, we work hard,
we're good people.

239
00:10:03,156 --> 00:10:04,824
Maybe we deserve this.

240
00:10:08,203 --> 00:10:10,372
I guess a dishwasher
might be nice.

241
00:10:10,372 --> 00:10:12,540
There you go. Get a dishwasher.

242
00:10:12,540 --> 00:10:14,709
I don't know.
I'll think about it.

243
00:10:14,709 --> 00:10:17,379
What's to think about?
Have some fun for once.

244
00:10:17,379 --> 00:10:19,381
Ooh, we getting something
fun with the money?

245
00:10:19,381 --> 00:10:20,882
We're talking about
a dishwasher.

246
00:10:20,882 --> 00:10:23,009
When did your dreams die?

247
00:10:23,968 --> 00:10:25,887
When we had kids. George.

248
00:10:25,887 --> 00:10:30,100
I was carrying pulsers
75 feet up

249
00:10:30,100 --> 00:10:32,060
a wet metal ladder

250
00:10:32,060 --> 00:10:33,645
when there was an earthquake.

251
00:10:33,645 --> 00:10:36,898
So, I am hanging on
for dear life...

252
00:10:36,898 --> 00:10:39,567
Ooh, we should set up
several radio telescopes

253
00:10:39,567 --> 00:10:41,986
on different rooftops
in an array.

254
00:10:42,010 --> 00:10:44,510
(mandarin) Does this kid have an off switch?

255
00:10:44,948 --> 00:10:46,533
You speak Mandarin.

256
00:10:47,357 --> 00:10:50,357
(mandarin) I do. I take it you do as well?

257
00:10:50,381 --> 00:10:55,381
(mandarin) Yes. And Sheldon doesn't have an off switch...

258
00:10:55,792 --> 00:10:58,086
I heard my name.
What are they saying?

259
00:10:58,086 --> 00:11:00,422
I don't speak Mandarin.
Just a little French.

260
00:11:00,422 --> 00:11:02,257
Oh, really?

261
00:11:02,281 --> 00:11:05,781
(french) I asked if Sheldon has an off switch.

262
00:11:06,052 --> 00:11:07,095
Ha!

263
00:11:07,119 --> 00:11:09,619
(french) I wish he did!

264
00:11:11,141 --> 00:11:13,476
Well, does anyone here
speak Klingon?

265
00:11:13,500 --> 00:11:16,000
(klingon) Where do you keep the chocolate?

266
00:11:23,820 --> 00:11:25,780
Dr. Lee?
Sheldon.

267
00:11:25,780 --> 00:11:27,490
May I have a moment
of your time?

268
00:11:27,490 --> 00:11:29,451
Of course, come in.

269
00:11:29,451 --> 00:11:31,202
Sit.

270
00:11:31,202 --> 00:11:33,413
How can I help you?

271
00:11:33,413 --> 00:11:36,833
I feel like my contributions
aren't being taken seriously.

272
00:11:36,833 --> 00:11:40,044
Oh, well, I'm sorry
you feel that way,

273
00:11:40,044 --> 00:11:42,964
but I'm listening
to everyone's contributions.

274
00:11:42,964 --> 00:11:44,799
But you're not taking
any of mine.

275
00:11:44,799 --> 00:11:47,677
No. But Drs. Linkletter
and Sturgis

276
00:11:47,677 --> 00:11:50,054
seem happy with the
direction we're headed.

277
00:11:51,014 --> 00:11:52,515
Well, I think it's because

278
00:11:52,515 --> 00:11:55,477
you're using
your feminine wiles.

279
00:11:55,477 --> 00:11:58,146
And what exactly
do you think that means?

280
00:11:58,146 --> 00:11:59,939
I'm not sure,
but you are wearing lip gloss

281
00:11:59,939 --> 00:12:02,150
and seem to have good hygiene.

282
00:12:02,150 --> 00:12:04,402
And if you're trying to use them
on me, it's not going to work.

283
00:12:05,487 --> 00:12:06,821
Sheldon, I assure you

284
00:12:06,821 --> 00:12:08,656
that I'm just trying to do

285
00:12:08,656 --> 00:12:10,116
what's best for the project.

286
00:12:10,116 --> 00:12:11,743
Excellent,
then you'll want to set up

287
00:12:11,743 --> 00:12:13,495
several telescopes in an array.

288
00:12:13,495 --> 00:12:16,456
I hear you, but... ghobe'.

289
00:12:16,456 --> 00:12:19,834
Wait, that's "no" in Klingon.
Do you speak Klingon?

290
00:12:19,834 --> 00:12:21,252
I looked up that one word.

291
00:12:21,252 --> 00:12:24,255
I had a feeling it
would come in handy.

292
00:12:28,676 --> 00:12:31,721
Ooh, look
at the Ultra-Clean Two.

293
00:12:31,721 --> 00:12:33,723
It's got five washing cycles.

294
00:12:33,723 --> 00:12:36,601
I don't know, George,
these are really expensive.

295
00:12:36,601 --> 00:12:39,896
You won the money.
Spend it.

296
00:12:39,896 --> 00:12:43,024
Maybe we should just
get a more affordable one.

297
00:12:43,024 --> 00:12:46,694
Everything we do is affordable.
Uh... splurge for once.

298
00:12:46,694 --> 00:12:48,321
It's so extravagant.

299
00:12:48,321 --> 00:12:49,656
You'd think
we were talking about

300
00:12:49,656 --> 00:12:50,990
buying a party boat.

301
00:12:50,990 --> 00:12:53,284
It's a dishwasher,
for crying out loud.

302
00:12:53,284 --> 00:12:57,038
But the way we got the money,
it just doesn't feel right.

303
00:12:57,038 --> 00:12:59,374
So you're telling me
you're never okay

304
00:12:59,374 --> 00:13:01,209
with bending the rules
once in a while?

305
00:13:01,209 --> 00:13:03,628
That's not how being
a Christian works.

306
00:13:04,587 --> 00:13:06,673
Good to know.

307
00:13:08,341 --> 00:13:09,676
What are you doing?

308
00:13:09,676 --> 00:13:11,636
Oh, just helping you
be a good Christian.

309
00:13:16,015 --> 00:13:17,934
Dr. Lee had commandeered
the project,

310
00:13:17,934 --> 00:13:20,436
and Drs. Linkletter
and Sturgis were okay with it.

311
00:13:20,436 --> 00:13:24,148
Everyone was being mean,
and I was out of my depth.

312
00:13:24,148 --> 00:13:26,776
I needed advice
on how to proceed.

313
00:13:26,776 --> 00:13:28,736
Thankfully, I was mere feet away

314
00:13:28,736 --> 00:13:30,613
from the person
who had been mean to me

315
00:13:30,613 --> 00:13:33,116
since she tried strangling me
with her umbilical cord.

316
00:13:33,116 --> 00:13:34,784
What?

317
00:13:34,784 --> 00:13:37,287
So, this Dr. Lee is turning
your friends against you?

318
00:13:37,287 --> 00:13:38,621
Essentially.

319
00:13:38,621 --> 00:13:40,373
Classic move.

320
00:13:40,373 --> 00:13:41,666
Most girls you find crying
in the school bathroom,

321
00:13:41,666 --> 00:13:42,834
that was it.

322
00:13:42,834 --> 00:13:44,127
What do I do?

323
00:13:44,127 --> 00:13:45,461
Well, you're in a tough spot

324
00:13:45,461 --> 00:13:47,755
'cause your personality is ugh.

325
00:13:47,755 --> 00:13:49,591
There's enough people
being mean to me right now.

326
00:13:49,591 --> 00:13:50,633
Sorry.

327
00:13:50,633 --> 00:13:52,260
Can you help me or not?

328
00:13:52,260 --> 00:13:54,304
It's you against a bunch
of college professors.

329
00:13:54,304 --> 00:13:56,014
I don't think
you can win this one.

330
00:13:58,641 --> 00:14:00,893
Oh. Do any of them have pimples?

331
00:14:00,893 --> 00:14:02,520
No.

332
00:14:02,520 --> 00:14:05,023
Too bad, I've done a lot
of damage with "pizza face."

333
00:14:06,941 --> 00:14:08,610
He just took the ticket

334
00:14:08,610 --> 00:14:10,320
and stormed off.

335
00:14:10,320 --> 00:14:12,614
I don't know why he cares
so much about a dishwasher.

336
00:14:12,614 --> 00:14:14,324
Maybe it ain't
about the dishwasher.

337
00:14:14,324 --> 00:14:16,326
Well, what is it, then?

338
00:14:16,326 --> 00:14:18,453
Mary, I love you,
but sometimes it's kind of like

339
00:14:18,453 --> 00:14:21,039
you're waging a war on fun.

340
00:14:21,039 --> 00:14:24,292
Why? Because I have values?

341
00:14:24,292 --> 00:14:26,711
Well, too bad because
they're not going away.

342
00:14:26,711 --> 00:14:29,255
Oh, and fun is down
for the count.

343
00:14:29,255 --> 00:14:31,341
500 bucks?

344
00:14:31,341 --> 00:14:33,426
I guess drinks are on you.

345
00:14:33,426 --> 00:14:36,804
Fine, but is that all
you got from my story?

346
00:14:36,804 --> 00:14:38,890
It's called lightening
the mood, George.

347
00:14:38,890 --> 00:14:40,808
Sorry.

348
00:14:40,808 --> 00:14:43,269
But I do think
you're overreacting.

349
00:14:44,270 --> 00:14:46,022
Come on.

350
00:14:46,022 --> 00:14:48,399
I... Would it kill her
to loosen up once in a while?

351
00:14:48,399 --> 00:14:50,693
Maybe that's just
not who she is.

352
00:14:50,693 --> 00:14:54,238
What if it is, just not with me?

353
00:14:54,238 --> 00:14:55,490
Well, what does that mean?

354
00:14:56,699 --> 00:14:58,409
The other night I
drove by the church

355
00:14:58,409 --> 00:15:00,453
and I saw Mary
and that new youth pastor

356
00:15:00,453 --> 00:15:04,207
just hanging out on the curb,
laughing and smoking cigarettes.

357
00:15:06,250 --> 00:15:08,002
Yeah? And?

358
00:15:08,002 --> 00:15:09,379
Well, that's not enough?

359
00:15:09,379 --> 00:15:11,673
Well, is smoking even a sin?

360
00:15:11,673 --> 00:15:14,258
'Cause I still light up
after a roll in the hay.

361
00:15:14,258 --> 00:15:18,971
The point is, she's capable
of being fun, just...

362
00:15:18,971 --> 00:15:20,723
not with me.

363
00:15:20,723 --> 00:15:22,934
It's not like
I don't want to be fun,

364
00:15:22,934 --> 00:15:24,519
but I feel like

365
00:15:24,519 --> 00:15:26,729
I am the only one holding
the family together.

366
00:15:26,729 --> 00:15:29,816
Mary, can I point out that you
weren't exactly like this

367
00:15:29,816 --> 00:15:31,609
when y'all got married?

368
00:15:31,609 --> 00:15:33,569
So? I'm not allowed to grow?

369
00:15:33,569 --> 00:15:36,322
Apart? Okay.

370
00:15:38,199 --> 00:15:39,867
What made you and your wife
call it quits?

371
00:15:39,867 --> 00:15:41,411
George, let me
tell you something.

372
00:15:41,411 --> 00:15:43,454
Getting divorced sucks.

373
00:15:43,454 --> 00:15:45,790
I know.
You don't.

374
00:15:45,790 --> 00:15:48,501
If you think you're upset
about a $500 scratcher,

375
00:15:48,501 --> 00:15:51,796
try sitting home alone
with half your money gone.

376
00:15:52,922 --> 00:15:54,048
I thought you were
gonna say something

377
00:15:54,048 --> 00:15:55,299
about love and vows.

378
00:15:55,299 --> 00:15:56,968
Half, George.

379
00:15:56,968 --> 00:15:58,803
And it wasn't a lot
when it was a whole.

380
00:15:58,803 --> 00:16:00,722
I said I'd buy your drinks.

381
00:16:00,722 --> 00:16:02,849
Well, thank you.

382
00:16:02,849 --> 00:16:04,475
Wings wouldn't hurt, either.

383
00:16:04,475 --> 00:16:05,810
My sister thought I was in

384
00:16:05,810 --> 00:16:07,311
an unwinnable situation,

385
00:16:07,311 --> 00:16:09,105
but I knew someone else
who faced

386
00:16:09,105 --> 00:16:12,775
a no-win scenario and prevailed:
one James Tiberius Kirk.

387
00:16:12,775 --> 00:16:15,319
The Kobayashi Maru
was a simulation

388
00:16:15,319 --> 00:16:18,114
designed to be unbeatable,
but Kirk snuck in

389
00:16:18,114 --> 00:16:19,949
and reprogrammed it
so he could win.

390
00:16:19,949 --> 00:16:22,744
All I needed to do
was put my scanning coordinates

391
00:16:22,744 --> 00:16:26,164
into Dr. Lee's radio telescope
to prove I was correct.

392
00:16:26,164 --> 00:16:29,042
It was time for my sneaky face.

393
00:16:34,672 --> 00:16:35,840
Hey.

394
00:16:35,840 --> 00:16:37,383
Hi.

395
00:16:38,718 --> 00:16:40,261
This is yours.

396
00:16:40,261 --> 00:16:42,055
And if you don't feel
right spending it,

397
00:16:42,055 --> 00:16:44,307
then you should do
whatever you want with it.

398
00:16:45,016 --> 00:16:46,392
Thank you.

399
00:16:51,105 --> 00:16:53,566
You know,
I've been thinking that

400
00:16:53,566 --> 00:16:55,234
maybe it isn't

401
00:16:55,234 --> 00:16:58,321
the end of the world
if we spend it on something fun.

402
00:16:58,321 --> 00:16:59,781
Really?

403
00:16:59,781 --> 00:17:02,784
Yeah, something
the family could enjoy.

404
00:17:02,784 --> 00:17:04,577
Well...

405
00:17:04,577 --> 00:17:06,329
we haven't been on vacation
in a long time.

406
00:17:06,329 --> 00:17:08,122
Oh...

407
00:17:08,122 --> 00:17:09,749
Oh.

408
00:17:09,749 --> 00:17:11,876
We could go to Houston,
see the Ice Capades.

409
00:17:13,002 --> 00:17:14,420
Let's keep thinking.

410
00:17:16,088 --> 00:17:19,467
The next evening,
I put my plan into action.

411
00:17:19,467 --> 00:17:21,385
I was just like Captain Kirk,

412
00:17:21,385 --> 00:17:24,138
if Captain Kirk had to bum
a ride from his meemaw.

413
00:17:24,138 --> 00:17:26,808
All I needed to do was
get into Dr. Lee's office

414
00:17:26,808 --> 00:17:28,518
and swap the coordinates.

415
00:17:28,518 --> 00:17:29,727
Nothing could stop me.

416
00:17:31,437 --> 00:17:33,856
Dang it.

417
00:17:33,856 --> 00:17:35,942
Well, here's to male egos

418
00:17:35,942 --> 00:17:37,610
and all the fun
that comes with them.

419
00:17:39,904 --> 00:17:42,156
You've had to deal
with that a lot, huh?

420
00:17:42,156 --> 00:17:44,158
The first month I was here,
people kept assuming

421
00:17:44,158 --> 00:17:46,244
I was the president's secretary.

422
00:17:46,244 --> 00:17:48,204
Did you correct them?

423
00:17:48,204 --> 00:17:51,165
No, I just told them
that the president was too busy

424
00:17:51,165 --> 00:17:53,501
to see them and then
I cut their funding.

425
00:17:53,501 --> 00:17:55,878
That must have felt good.

426
00:17:55,878 --> 00:17:59,298
Ah, it was like taking off
my bra at the end of a long day.

427
00:17:59,298 --> 00:18:01,843
Mm-hmm.
But I don't have to tell you.

428
00:18:01,843 --> 00:18:05,596
Can you believe there were only
three women in my major?

429
00:18:05,596 --> 00:18:07,390
Oh, at least you had each other.

430
00:18:07,390 --> 00:18:09,225
Those bitches? Pass.

431
00:18:09,225 --> 00:18:11,018
What about the guys?

432
00:18:11,018 --> 00:18:12,645
Either too scared to talk to me

433
00:18:12,645 --> 00:18:14,856
or trying to talk me
into being horizontal.

434
00:18:14,856 --> 00:18:17,066
Oh, yeah, I hear that. Mm-hmm.
Mm.

435
00:18:17,066 --> 00:18:20,278
I've even had projects sabotaged
just to make me look bad.

436
00:18:20,278 --> 00:18:22,238
You're kidding. Nope.

437
00:18:37,128 --> 00:18:38,337
Well, what did you do?

438
00:18:38,789 --> 00:18:40,256
Well, eventually I realized,

439
00:18:40,256 --> 00:18:42,758
I'm an experimental physicist.

440
00:18:42,758 --> 00:18:46,304
I can build anything I want
to protect my work.

441
00:18:52,059 --> 00:18:54,020
And thanks to my kids,

442
00:18:54,020 --> 00:18:58,065
I am very familiar with
the movie Home Alone.

443
00:19:00,526 --> 00:19:03,195
After a lot of apologizing,
a little begging

444
00:19:03,195 --> 00:19:04,906
and a note from my mother,

445
00:19:04,906 --> 00:19:07,700
I was allowed to keep
my role on the team.

446
00:19:07,700 --> 00:19:09,577
When Captain Kirk
faced the no-win scenario,

447
00:19:09,577 --> 00:19:11,287
he didn't have blue
and yellow snot for a week.

448
00:19:11,287 --> 00:19:13,122
Ew.

449
00:19:20,129 --> 00:19:21,756
Sounds like the ocean.

450
00:19:21,756 --> 00:19:23,007
Oh, it is very relaxing.

451
00:19:23,007 --> 00:19:24,467
Kind of makes

452
00:19:24,467 --> 00:19:26,302
the rest of the kitchen
look trashy.

453
00:19:26,302 --> 00:19:28,512
Ooh, it has
a temperature boost sensor.

454
00:19:28,512 --> 00:19:29,722
What's that?

455
00:19:29,722 --> 00:19:31,265
It makes sure
the water is heated

456
00:19:31,265 --> 00:19:33,100
to the correct temperature
for ideal cleaning

457
00:19:33,100 --> 00:19:35,061
and drying results. Ooh.

458
00:19:36,437 --> 00:19:37,647
Where are you going?

459
00:19:37,647 --> 00:19:39,231
You're gonna miss
the rinse cycle.

460
00:19:39,231 --> 00:19:40,650
I'm not missing anything.

461
00:19:42,401 --> 00:19:43,848
Oh, it beeped. Look up "beep."