1
00:00:01,600 --> 00:00:03,830
(APPLAUSE)

2
00:00:03,960 --> 00:00:05,951
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

3
00:00:12,080 --> 00:00:15,072
(MUSIC BOX PLAYS TUNE)

4
00:00:17,640 --> 00:00:18,789
Hello.

5
00:00:26,600 --> 00:00:28,637
Good evening, Hammersmith. Hmm.

6
00:00:28,760 --> 00:00:30,751
(CHEERING)

7
00:00:31,200 --> 00:00:32,679
Yes, it is I.

8
00:00:34,280 --> 00:00:36,590
This is my new name for Britain,
Limboland.

9
00:00:36,720 --> 00:00:38,279
(LAUGHS)

10
00:00:38,400 --> 00:00:40,869
People have suggested others.
Poundland.

11
00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:43,116
Er, Leavakia.

12
00:00:43,240 --> 00:00:45,390
Er... (LAUGHS)

13
00:00:45,520 --> 00:00:47,193
Who is gonna take us forward

14
00:00:47,320 --> 00:00:50,870
in these uncertain times,
these tumultuous waters?

15
00:00:51,000 --> 00:00:53,799
Well, itts not gonna be the Greens,
is it? God Iove tem.

16
00:00:53,920 --> 00:00:56,833
God Iove the Greens.
CIosest to my political heart.

17
00:00:56,960 --> 00:00:58,758
But they are, theytre well-meaning,

18
00:00:58,880 --> 00:01:01,349
but helpless, arentt they, you know?

19
00:01:01,480 --> 00:01:03,073
Theytrejust useless, the Greens.

20
00:01:03,200 --> 00:01:06,795
Theytre Iike a CND sticker
on a submarine, you know. Theyjust...

21
00:01:06,920 --> 00:01:08,911
(LAUGHTER)

22
00:01:09,640 --> 00:01:11,790
Every election Itm willing them
to say something

23
00:01:11,920 --> 00:01:14,070
that isntt bereft ofcommon sense.

24
00:01:14,200 --> 00:01:15,838
Come on! Come on! You can do it!

25
00:01:15,960 --> 00:01:17,633
Er, we want to scrap the army.

26
00:01:17,760 --> 00:01:18,750
Agh...

27
00:01:21,120 --> 00:01:23,714
And what? And replace it
with a stout wickerfence.

28
00:01:23,840 --> 00:01:25,069
Oh, Christ.

29
00:01:30,240 --> 00:01:31,560
Not again.

30
00:01:32,960 --> 00:01:34,633
Cars are illegal. Petrolts free.

31
00:01:34,760 --> 00:01:36,114
Yes, thankyou, thankyou.

32
00:01:36,240 --> 00:01:37,639
(LAUGHTER)

33
00:01:45,440 --> 00:01:47,351
My Iocal hospitalts been torn down.

34
00:01:47,480 --> 00:01:49,153
Been replaced with an app.

35
00:01:49,280 --> 00:01:50,475
Er...

36
00:01:50,600 --> 00:01:51,999
(LAUGHTER)

37
00:01:54,400 --> 00:01:57,597
You download it, it tells you where
you can harvest Iocal medicinal herbs,

38
00:01:57,720 --> 00:02:00,439
just Iike Tinderforwitch hazel.

39
00:02:00,560 --> 00:02:01,436
And...

40
00:02:02,800 --> 00:02:03,790
(STRUMS GUITAR)

41
00:02:03,920 --> 00:02:05,638
But Itm a massive supporter
ofthe NHS.

42
00:02:05,760 --> 00:02:09,151
Is there any NHS supporters?
Any NHS workers?

43
00:02:09,280 --> 00:02:10,350
(WHOOPING)

44
00:02:10,480 --> 00:02:11,800
Big up yourselves.

45
00:02:13,400 --> 00:02:14,515
Massive respect.

46
00:02:14,640 --> 00:02:17,075
My mum and dad worked in the NHS
theirwhole Iives.

47
00:02:17,200 --> 00:02:18,554
I couldntt do thatjob.

48
00:02:18,680 --> 00:02:21,035
Well, I haventt got
the qualifications, obviously.

49
00:02:23,120 --> 00:02:26,112
Itd be a Iiability ifanything.
"Hold on, mate. Itll Google it."

50
00:02:28,960 --> 00:02:31,918
Itts notjust about qualifications,
is it? Itts a vocational thing.

51
00:02:32,040 --> 00:02:35,237
Youtve got to knowwhat to say
to people sometimes in difficult times.

52
00:02:35,360 --> 00:02:38,398
Youtve got to knowwhat to say. Youtve
got to be compassionate and firm.

53
00:02:39,600 --> 00:02:40,920
Youtve got to be tender.

54
00:02:41,040 --> 00:02:43,873
I dontt think Itve got it in me.
I think Itm too emotionally glib.

55
00:02:44,840 --> 00:02:48,515
If I had to be the bearer of bad news,
Itd probably get it all wrong, you know.

56
00:02:49,080 --> 00:02:50,718
Itd probably do it in song form.

57
00:02:50,840 --> 00:02:52,911
(STRUMS GUITAR)

58
00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:55,236
Thattd be wrong, wouldntt it?
Come out Iike this.

59
00:02:55,360 --> 00:02:57,397
<i>♪ Ifve seen yourscans</i>

60
00:02:59,320 --> 00:03:01,357
<i>♪ Donftmake anyplans</i>

61
00:03:01,480 --> 00:03:02,879
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

62
00:03:07,760 --> 00:03:09,751
(CHEERING, WHOOPING)

63
00:03:14,680 --> 00:03:16,671
(STRUMS GUITAR)

64
00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:25,999
<i>♪A farming incidentin Ukraine</i>

65
00:03:27,400 --> 00:03:30,040
<i>♪ Foultry.willneverbe the same</i>

66
00:03:31,120 --> 00:03:33,999
<i>♪A revolution
the worldheldits breath</i>

67
00:03:34,120 --> 00:03:37,431
<i>♪ The daythe chickens
marchedon Kiev</i>

68
00:03:37,560 --> 00:03:39,551
(LAUGHTER)

69
00:03:45,080 --> 00:03:48,960
<i>♪ Theirbeaks are shiny
andnotvery.long</i>

70
00:03:49,080 --> 00:03:52,277
<i>♪ Theirwings are tiny
andnotvery.strong</i>

71
00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:56,792
<i>♪ Bravelytheymarchedtheirbanners
alla flutter</i>

72
00:03:56,920 --> 00:04:01,232
<i>♪ Stoppumping us with garlic butter</i>

73
00:04:01,880 --> 00:04:04,759
<i>♪ The firstto fall
was the bravestoffowl</i>

74
00:04:05,520 --> 00:04:07,158
<i>♪ He attackeda queue in KFC</i>

75
00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:09,237
<i>♪ Theykilledhim with a trowel</i>

76
00:04:09,360 --> 00:04:12,671
<i>♪ Theygrabbedthe body
cos the staffwere gonna chuckit</i>

77
00:04:12,800 --> 00:04:17,636
<i>♪ Theyburiedhim with some coleslaw
in a herofs bucket</i>

78
00:04:17,760 --> 00:04:19,034
<i>♪ Hurrah, hurrah</i>

79
00:04:19,160 --> 00:04:21,549
<i>♪ This chicken havoc we are wreaking</i>

80
00:04:21,680 --> 00:04:23,512
<i>♪ Rejoice, rejoice</i>

81
00:04:23,640 --> 00:04:27,235
<i>♪ The ducks have taken Feking</i>

82
00:04:28,520 --> 00:04:31,239
<i>♪ Nothing left
allstreets sweptclean</i>

83
00:04:32,120 --> 00:04:35,829
<i>♪ No chickens, no chickens to be seen</i>

84
00:04:35,960 --> 00:04:39,316
<i>♪ Justa lone voice
in thispoultry. Waterloo</i>

85
00:04:39,440 --> 00:04:41,192
<i>♪ You can cutoffourheads</i>

86
00:04:41,320 --> 00:04:45,951
<i>♪ Butwefllstillbe chasingyou</i>

87
00:04:46,080 --> 00:04:48,151
<i>♪ The daythe chickens
marchedon Kiev</i>

88
00:04:49,920 --> 00:04:51,911
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

89
00:04:58,680 --> 00:04:59,511
Cheers.

90
00:05:02,440 --> 00:05:04,317
Itm just trying to get behind anything.

91
00:05:04,440 --> 00:05:06,158
I mean... something!

92
00:05:06,280 --> 00:05:09,875
Like, bizarre OIympic sports. I watch
them three otclock in the morning.

93
00:05:10,000 --> 00:05:12,389
This sort of... That one.
You know, the race walking.

94
00:05:13,560 --> 00:05:16,678
The cockney marathon I call it.
Yeah, thatts it. Move it up, yeah.

95
00:05:20,360 --> 00:05:21,430
(LAUGHS)

96
00:05:21,560 --> 00:05:24,678
<i>♪ Do me a favour
lfm doing the cockneymarathon</i>

97
00:05:28,120 --> 00:05:28,916
I just Iove it.

98
00:05:31,800 --> 00:05:34,314
I had a very odd experience
in Tallinn in Estonia.

99
00:05:34,440 --> 00:05:37,114
Some years ago
I did a sitcom called <i>BlackBooks.</i>

100
00:05:37,240 --> 00:05:38,799
- And in it...
- (CHEERING)

101
00:05:40,440 --> 00:05:41,874
...there was a scene in it

102
00:05:42,000 --> 00:05:44,560
where I held up a neck massager
to my breasts,

103
00:05:44,680 --> 00:05:46,239
and there were two rotating cones.

104
00:05:46,360 --> 00:05:49,830
I was Iike, "Bernard, Bernard, Bernard.
Itm a prostitute robot from the future."

105
00:05:50,440 --> 00:05:53,319
Nowfast-forward
to TallinnAirport security.

106
00:05:53,440 --> 00:05:55,431
(LAUGHTER)

107
00:05:59,280 --> 00:06:03,513
Itm putting my items through the
scanner, the Eye ofSauron as I call it.

108
00:06:03,640 --> 00:06:06,758
And the guard
fixed me with a gimlet eye,

109
00:06:06,880 --> 00:06:09,156
and he nudged his mate,
and he went, yeah,

110
00:06:09,280 --> 00:06:11,556
mumbling something
in what I assumed was Estonian.

111
00:06:11,680 --> 00:06:12,750
(MUTTERS)

112
00:06:12,880 --> 00:06:16,475
He turned to me and he went, "Bernard,
Bernard, Bernard, Bernard, Bernard."

113
00:06:16,600 --> 00:06:19,638
He went, "Bernard, Bernard, Bernard."
(LAUGHS)

114
00:06:21,160 --> 00:06:22,639
Now...

115
00:06:23,720 --> 00:06:24,755
I knewwhat he meant,

116
00:06:24,880 --> 00:06:28,157
but it freaked all the other passengers
out Iike you wouldntt believe.

117
00:06:28,280 --> 00:06:30,271
(LAUGHTER)

118
00:06:31,440 --> 00:06:34,239
They all thought it was
some weird Estonian folk greeting.

119
00:06:34,360 --> 00:06:38,069
And then ofcourse
we had to take the obligatory selfie.

120
00:06:38,200 --> 00:06:39,270
Now Itm fine with that.

121
00:06:39,400 --> 00:06:43,314
I accept social media into my Iife,
albeit grudgingly,

122
00:06:43,440 --> 00:06:45,750
because ifyoutre in the public eye,
Iike what I am,

123
00:06:45,880 --> 00:06:47,678
you have to have
a social media presence,

124
00:06:47,800 --> 00:06:50,713
otherwise some other nerk
will rob it offyou, all right?

125
00:06:50,840 --> 00:06:52,478
As I discovered when I went on Twitter,

126
00:06:52,600 --> 00:06:55,831
and there were four other Bill Bailey
Twitter users pretending to be me,

127
00:06:55,960 --> 00:06:58,679
having a much more fulfilling Iife,
which is really galling.

128
00:07:00,480 --> 00:07:03,438
Itts extraordinary.
Facebook is Iike the Death Star.

129
00:07:03,560 --> 00:07:05,597
It sucks us in
with those tempting Iinks.

130
00:07:05,720 --> 00:07:07,358
Protractor beam of Facebook.

131
00:07:07,480 --> 00:07:09,278
Oh, Iook at this Iink,
oh, I must resist.

132
00:07:09,400 --> 00:07:11,073
But, no, Iook at it. Itts so tempting.

133
00:07:11,200 --> 00:07:13,111
When this guy
put some bread in a toaster,

134
00:07:13,240 --> 00:07:15,231
you wontt believe what happened next.

135
00:07:15,360 --> 00:07:17,920
What happened,
what happened, what happened?

136
00:07:18,040 --> 00:07:20,031
(LAUGHTER)

137
00:07:21,440 --> 00:07:23,033
You will believe what happened next.

138
00:07:23,160 --> 00:07:27,119
And... and YouTube, ittsjust Iike
a portal forthe deranged.

139
00:07:27,240 --> 00:07:31,996
Itts Iike a... itts Iike a sump from
a vast underground Iake ofanger.

140
00:07:32,120 --> 00:07:36,557
I put a still photograph ofa cabbage
on YouTube to see what would happen.

141
00:07:36,680 --> 00:07:39,149
The amount of hatred
that came back myway.

142
00:07:39,280 --> 00:07:43,797
What did you do that for? You stupid
man! You stupid cabbage man.

143
00:07:43,920 --> 00:07:45,797
(LAUGHTER)

144
00:07:49,360 --> 00:07:50,714
Itts a cabbage, innit?

145
00:07:52,800 --> 00:07:55,519
Being online
is very dangerous, you know.

146
00:07:55,640 --> 00:07:57,677
Being online
wetre at riskfrom cybercrime.

147
00:07:57,800 --> 00:08:00,792
My email was hacked.
Some hackers got in.

148
00:08:00,920 --> 00:08:03,560
They guessed "bill123" and they got in.

149
00:08:03,680 --> 00:08:05,671
(LAUGHTER)

150
00:08:07,000 --> 00:08:09,071
And they emailed my accountant.

151
00:08:09,200 --> 00:08:12,431
Now some ofyou are thinking,
"You haventt got an accountant, Bill.

152
00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:14,710
You keep all your money
in a tree stump in the woods,

153
00:08:14,840 --> 00:08:18,231
and every midsummerts eve
you askthe wise old stag ofthe forest

154
00:08:18,360 --> 00:08:20,158
to tap out where I should invest it."

155
00:08:20,280 --> 00:08:22,271
But, no, I actually have got
an accountant.

156
00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:26,072
Well, I did have and they emailed her,

157
00:08:26,200 --> 00:08:29,556
and asked herto transfer some money
to an account in Turkey.

158
00:08:29,680 --> 00:08:31,637
Aplace Itve never been.
Showed no interest.

159
00:08:31,760 --> 00:08:34,798
And she bloody did!
Shejust handed it over!

160
00:08:35,840 --> 00:08:38,514
Nowwhat really annoyed me
was the Ianguage that they used

161
00:08:38,640 --> 00:08:40,039
was so clearly not me.

162
00:08:40,160 --> 00:08:42,037
(TURKISHACCENT)
Hurry up. Where is money?

163
00:08:42,160 --> 00:08:44,470
Send money now, Julie,
forTurkey house.

164
00:08:44,600 --> 00:08:46,591
(LAUGHTER)

165
00:08:50,920 --> 00:08:53,150
Did she think,
"Billts a bit grumpytoday.

166
00:08:55,280 --> 00:08:57,351
Hets Iost his grip
ofgrammatic structure"?

167
00:08:57,480 --> 00:09:01,439
And then they used
a Ioad of baffling emojis.

168
00:09:01,560 --> 00:09:04,200
Things I would never use.
"Hurry up, Julie. Where is money?"

169
00:09:04,320 --> 00:09:07,278
Pony, pony, pony,
cricket bat, sad face, cable car.

170
00:09:09,000 --> 00:09:11,992
But we have to accept technology
into our Iives.

171
00:09:12,120 --> 00:09:13,633
Therets nowhere back.

172
00:09:13,760 --> 00:09:17,276
Erm, I-Itm going to make
an assumption here, Hammersmith.

173
00:09:17,400 --> 00:09:19,835
Itm gonna guess
everyone herets got a smartphone,

174
00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:23,032
and, er, everyonets got
their own ringtones.

175
00:09:23,160 --> 00:09:26,516
Erm, but herets a way...
Herets a thing you can do.

176
00:09:26,640 --> 00:09:28,995
Er, you can make your own ringtones.

177
00:09:29,120 --> 00:09:32,715
Erm, you can make them
out ofany everyday household object,

178
00:09:32,840 --> 00:09:35,116
Iike this hand-carvedAfrican Iog drum.

179
00:09:35,240 --> 00:09:37,038
(LAUGHTER)

180
00:09:38,920 --> 00:09:40,319
Perhaps Iike a messaging tone.

181
00:09:42,240 --> 00:09:44,311
Something Iike that,
or perhaps a WhatsApp.

182
00:09:46,320 --> 00:09:49,756
Or perhaps a Ionger personalised
ringtone for a family member.

183
00:10:04,600 --> 00:10:06,591
(CHEERING, WHOOPING)

184
00:10:11,840 --> 00:10:14,275
Hello? You know...
Something ofthat nature.

185
00:10:14,400 --> 00:10:15,720
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

186
00:10:21,280 --> 00:10:24,238
And what you can do,
Itm just gonna demonstrate now

187
00:10:24,360 --> 00:10:28,957
howyou can create a very simple,
working everyday ringtone.

188
00:10:32,840 --> 00:10:34,717
Right, so thatts it. Recorded.

189
00:10:34,840 --> 00:10:37,354
Now here it is sampled over here.

190
00:10:37,480 --> 00:10:39,039
(TUNE PLAYS THROUGH MIXER)

191
00:10:40,520 --> 00:10:43,672
And you can improve it with a bit
ofa musical counterpoint Iike this.

192
00:10:43,800 --> 00:10:44,995
Here comes the ringtone.

193
00:10:47,120 --> 00:10:48,838
(PLAYS KEYBOARD)

194
00:10:54,080 --> 00:10:56,469
Or ifyou prefer,
you can Iayerthe ringtones

195
00:10:56,600 --> 00:10:58,796
into a kind of ringtone symphony,
Iike this.

196
00:10:58,920 --> 00:11:00,911
(PLAYS MIXER, SNAPS FINGERS)

197
00:11:05,760 --> 00:11:08,752
(ADDS VARIOUS SOUNDS)

198
00:11:14,520 --> 00:11:16,431
(CHEERING)

199
00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:20,951
(SHAKER NOISE)

200
00:11:31,040 --> 00:11:33,031
<i>Uno, dos, tres, cuatro!</i>

201
00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:35,356
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

202
00:11:46,760 --> 00:11:48,273
(THEREMIN SOUND)

203
00:12:24,320 --> 00:12:25,754
Asitar solo.

204
00:12:58,400 --> 00:13:00,391
(PLAYS KEYBOARD)

205
00:13:12,480 --> 00:13:15,472
(TURNS OFF VARIOUS SOUNDS FROM
MIXER)

206
00:13:25,600 --> 00:13:26,590
(MUSIC STOPS)

207
00:13:26,720 --> 00:13:28,074
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

208
00:13:33,280 --> 00:13:34,395
Something Iike that.

209
00:13:40,040 --> 00:13:43,351
You never see any Satanists
playing Iog drums though, do you?

210
00:13:43,480 --> 00:13:45,710
<i>♪ Satan is coming foryoureyes</i>

211
00:13:45,840 --> 00:13:47,877
You never hearthat. Now...

212
00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:49,991
(LAUGHTER)

213
00:13:53,680 --> 00:13:55,432
Itll tell you what really annoys me,

214
00:13:55,560 --> 00:13:58,279
apart from taramasalata
and bad manners,

215
00:13:58,400 --> 00:13:59,549
and that is...

216
00:14:00,560 --> 00:14:03,074
the constant pressure to upgrade.

217
00:14:03,200 --> 00:14:06,033
Notjust technology,
but our Iives generally.

218
00:14:06,160 --> 00:14:08,037
Everytime you open a paper,
or a magazine,

219
00:14:08,160 --> 00:14:11,152
therets some article
exhorting you to Iive a better Iife.

220
00:14:11,280 --> 00:14:13,430
Ten superfoods
you should be eating right now.

221
00:14:13,560 --> 00:14:14,959
Ten places you should have gone.

222
00:14:15,080 --> 00:14:17,515
Youtve been Iooking out
the windowwrong yourwhole Iife.

223
00:14:18,080 --> 00:14:20,799
And really
I was disturbed recently by one.

224
00:14:20,920 --> 00:14:24,117
It said, "Itd been eating biscuits
the wrong way up mywhole Iife."

225
00:14:26,360 --> 00:14:29,512
Right, now does anyone here
eat chocolate Digestive biscuits?

226
00:14:29,640 --> 00:14:31,119
You, sir. Do you?

227
00:14:31,240 --> 00:14:33,754
When you eat them, when
the chocolate goes in your mouth,

228
00:14:33,880 --> 00:14:35,518
- itts on the top, right?
- Yeah.

229
00:14:35,640 --> 00:14:39,076
So the chocolate goes in on the top,
the writingts on the bottom.

230
00:14:39,200 --> 00:14:42,909
But when you eat the plain Digestive,
wherets the writing? Itts on the top.

231
00:14:43,520 --> 00:14:45,079
Thatts howwe should be eating them.

232
00:14:45,200 --> 00:14:48,192
Wetve been eating chocolate Digestives
upside down ourwhole Iives.

233
00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:52,115
Itm clearly more freaked out bythis
than you are.

234
00:14:52,240 --> 00:14:53,799
(LAUGHTER)

235
00:14:53,920 --> 00:14:55,069
(CHUCKLES)

236
00:14:55,200 --> 00:14:57,669
Ittsjust part ofthis pressure
to improve our Iives.

237
00:14:57,800 --> 00:15:01,759
I get this all the time,
and you cantt withhold.

238
00:15:01,880 --> 00:15:03,359
Eventually, you succumb.

239
00:15:03,480 --> 00:15:06,359
Friends were telling me,
"Bill, you Iook a bit stressed.

240
00:15:06,480 --> 00:15:07,675
You need to get a massage."

241
00:15:07,800 --> 00:15:09,916
And I hate massage. Itm covered in hair.

242
00:15:10,040 --> 00:15:11,997
I feel Iike a dog being groomed.

243
00:15:12,120 --> 00:15:14,270
But... I say,
"AII right, Itll go along with this."

244
00:15:14,400 --> 00:15:16,391
So eventually
I went to get a massage, you know.

245
00:15:16,520 --> 00:15:18,272
Not a, you know... I mean a...

246
00:15:19,880 --> 00:15:21,553
AIegitimate one. Not a, you know...

247
00:15:21,680 --> 00:15:24,593
I dontt knowwhat that is actually.
Thattsjust a weird gesture.

248
00:15:24,720 --> 00:15:27,439
There you go, mate. Itts Iike
a cockney drive-by massage.

249
00:15:27,560 --> 00:15:29,233
There you go, mate. Have some ofthat.

250
00:15:29,360 --> 00:15:31,271
There you go.
Thattll sort your chakras out.

251
00:15:31,400 --> 00:15:33,311
No. Ooh, double-bubble.

252
00:15:33,440 --> 00:15:34,430
And, er...

253
00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:38,674
I went to a spa,
you know, Iike a tosser,

254
00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:39,915
and, er...

255
00:15:41,360 --> 00:15:43,033
I got undressed, put the robe on,

256
00:15:43,160 --> 00:15:45,071
put the Iittle hairnet thing on
Iike that.

257
00:15:45,200 --> 00:15:47,555
Itm waiting forthe masseur,
and she comes in the room,

258
00:15:47,680 --> 00:15:49,751
and the first thing she did was this...
(GASPS)

259
00:15:49,880 --> 00:15:53,191
Which is not a good start for
any sort ofsocial interaction. That.

260
00:15:53,320 --> 00:15:54,515
(GASPS)

261
00:15:54,640 --> 00:15:58,873
It turns out it wasntt a hairnet,
it was disposable underpants, right.

262
00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:00,877
(LAUGHTER)

263
00:16:05,080 --> 00:16:06,559
I dontt know. I just put them on.

264
00:16:07,760 --> 00:16:10,957
And I actuallythought,
"These are really comfortable.

265
00:16:11,080 --> 00:16:13,469
Therets two holes foryour ears.
This is brilliant."

266
00:16:14,640 --> 00:16:18,429
And while I was waiting I had teased
all my hair out through the holes.

267
00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:20,551
(LAUGHTER)

268
00:16:24,040 --> 00:16:27,032
I Iooked Iike Princess Leiats
wizard uncle, you know.

269
00:16:28,680 --> 00:16:31,354
But happiness is now no Ionger a thing,

270
00:16:31,480 --> 00:16:33,710
which may happen to us, you know,

271
00:16:33,840 --> 00:16:36,719
and thatts the thing,
thatts where itts Ieading all ofthis.

272
00:16:36,840 --> 00:16:40,913
The end point ofWestern civilisation
is to be happy. Happiness.

273
00:16:41,040 --> 00:16:43,475
And happiness is now no Ionger
just a random thing,

274
00:16:43,600 --> 00:16:46,194
which may or may not happen to us
ifwetre Iucky.

275
00:16:46,320 --> 00:16:49,073
Itts a quantifiable resource.
Itts a currency.

276
00:16:49,200 --> 00:16:52,238
I flewto Copenhagen. I came out
ofthe airport, there was a sign saying,

277
00:16:52,360 --> 00:16:55,910
"Welcome to Denmark,
the happiest country in the world."

278
00:16:56,040 --> 00:16:58,350
Now Itve been to Denmark, itts nice,

279
00:16:58,480 --> 00:17:00,915
but people are not congoing
down the street going,

280
00:17:01,040 --> 00:17:03,600
(SINGSONG)
We all Iive in Denmark, we all Iive..

281
00:17:03,720 --> 00:17:06,155
Wearing a cape, made out of bacon,
and a pastry hat,

282
00:17:06,280 --> 00:17:07,839
which is obviouslywhat Itd do.

283
00:17:09,680 --> 00:17:13,071
And the reason forthat is that Denmark
has got great social provision.

284
00:17:13,200 --> 00:17:17,910
Itts got, you know, good healthcare
and great education

285
00:17:18,040 --> 00:17:20,236
and the roads are nice,
and everythingts nice.

286
00:17:20,360 --> 00:17:22,795
But that doesntt necessarily
equate to happiness.

287
00:17:22,920 --> 00:17:27,312
To me, happiness is more elusive,
itts more mercurial, itts subjective.

288
00:17:27,440 --> 00:17:30,159
It could be anything -
birdsong, a funny-shaped cloud.

289
00:17:30,280 --> 00:17:34,797
Finding a valid receipt
for a faulty domestic appliance.

290
00:17:34,920 --> 00:17:36,911
(CELESTIALVOICE) Ah-ah-ah-ah.

291
00:17:37,040 --> 00:17:39,873
(LAUGHTER)

292
00:17:40,000 --> 00:17:43,709
That is Iike the universe
shining on you for a day. There.

293
00:17:43,840 --> 00:17:47,356
Because ifyoutve tried to take
a toaster backwithout a receipt,

294
00:17:47,480 --> 00:17:49,994
- that is a walk ofshame.
- (LAUGHTER)

295
00:17:50,120 --> 00:17:51,713
Itve tried that, you walk in,

296
00:17:51,840 --> 00:17:53,877
"Er, Itd Iike to return
this toaster, please."

297
00:17:54,000 --> 00:17:55,035
"Do you have a receipt?"

298
00:17:55,160 --> 00:17:57,515
"Er, no, but I did have one,

299
00:17:57,640 --> 00:17:59,836
and I bought it here,
well, not here, another shop.

300
00:17:59,960 --> 00:18:02,076
It doesntt matter
because I bought things,

301
00:18:02,200 --> 00:18:04,111
and I bought a toaster,
and I Iike toast.

302
00:18:04,240 --> 00:18:06,311
I Iike to buttertoast. Yum, yum, yum."

303
00:18:06,440 --> 00:18:08,113
And youtre making no sense.

304
00:18:08,240 --> 00:18:10,311
Then you start babbling
Iike anAfrican prince,

305
00:18:10,440 --> 00:18:12,909
who has promised me £5 million,
ifwe email him some toast.

306
00:18:13,040 --> 00:18:15,031
Itll cut you in on the deal. (CHUCKLES)

307
00:18:15,160 --> 00:18:18,949
And then they realise
you haventt got a receipt,

308
00:18:19,080 --> 00:18:22,516
and this must give them
a mild sexual thrill I think.

309
00:18:22,640 --> 00:18:25,154
"Well, Itm terribly sorry, sir,
ifyou dontt...

310
00:18:26,160 --> 00:18:27,230
have...

311
00:18:28,560 --> 00:18:30,437
a valid receipt..."

312
00:18:32,120 --> 00:18:35,238
But ifyou do have a receipt,
oh, what a beautiful thing that is.

313
00:18:35,360 --> 00:18:37,795
Oh, frabjous day.
"Do you have a receipt?"

314
00:18:37,920 --> 00:18:41,470
"Yes, I do. Ooh, Iook, Itve Iaminated it
for my pleasure."

315
00:18:41,600 --> 00:18:42,795
(LAUGHS)

316
00:18:45,200 --> 00:18:46,713
"Itm Iooking at you through it."

317
00:18:46,840 --> 00:18:47,875
(LAUGHS)

318
00:18:48,000 --> 00:18:49,593
(SMACKS LIPS) Pa-ding!

319
00:18:51,240 --> 00:18:53,072
Such a glorious reveal that is.

320
00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:54,838
I sometimes delaythe pleasure ofthat

321
00:18:54,960 --> 00:18:57,759
by pretending
I dontt actually have a receipt.

322
00:18:57,880 --> 00:18:59,029
"Do you have a receipt?"

323
00:18:59,160 --> 00:19:01,436
"No, a kestrel snatched it
from my grasp seconds ago,

324
00:19:01,560 --> 00:19:04,359
but I need this cordless kettle
because I have a rare condition,

325
00:19:04,480 --> 00:19:07,279
where my knees need to be immersed
in boiling water all the time.

326
00:19:07,400 --> 00:19:08,720
I need... (MUMBLES)

327
00:19:09,400 --> 00:19:12,358
(MUTTERS)

328
00:19:12,480 --> 00:19:16,030
Then you turn away all broken and go,
"Wait a minute. Whatts this?"

329
00:19:16,160 --> 00:19:18,151
(CACKLES)

330
00:19:19,240 --> 00:19:20,958
Cos that is happiness right there.

331
00:19:21,960 --> 00:19:24,759
What the Danes have
is something else. That is contentment.

332
00:19:24,880 --> 00:19:26,951
Contentment is knowing
that youtre right.

333
00:19:27,080 --> 00:19:30,391
Happiness is knowing
that someone else is wrong.

334
00:19:30,520 --> 00:19:32,511
(LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

335
00:19:39,720 --> 00:19:40,869
<i>Namaste.</i>

336
00:19:41,000 --> 00:19:43,833
Tiny Iittle things make us happy.

337
00:19:43,960 --> 00:19:45,633
For me, itts <i>schadenfreude.</i>

338
00:19:45,760 --> 00:19:50,516
The vicarious pleasure ofwatching
popstars humiliated. Thatts all it is.

339
00:19:50,640 --> 00:19:53,473
When Justin Bieberfell down
the trapdoor. Whoo-hoo! Yeah?

340
00:19:53,600 --> 00:19:57,833
I wanna see more ofthat. I wanna see
Kanye West step on a rake, right.

341
00:20:00,320 --> 00:20:01,833
(WHOOPING)

342
00:20:02,400 --> 00:20:05,040
Nothing Iife-threatening,
just annoying. Dang!

343
00:20:06,040 --> 00:20:07,030
(CHUCKLES)

344
00:20:07,160 --> 00:20:09,549
EIton John gets his hand
stuck in a teapot.

345
00:20:09,680 --> 00:20:11,318
Thatts all I want.

346
00:20:11,440 --> 00:20:13,636
Somebodyts told him
therets a Fabergė egg in there,

347
00:20:13,760 --> 00:20:14,955
and hets gone in after it

348
00:20:15,080 --> 00:20:18,516
with his pudgy
Iittle pub-piano playing fingers.

349
00:20:18,640 --> 00:20:22,713
The preposterous, pompous,
wiggy Iittle berkthat he is.

350
00:20:22,840 --> 00:20:24,433
(LAUGHTER)

351
00:20:24,560 --> 00:20:26,392
(APPLAUSE)

352
00:20:27,640 --> 00:20:30,314
Dontt knowwhere that came from.
Er...

353
00:20:30,440 --> 00:20:31,794
Dontt mean it in a bad way.

354
00:20:31,920 --> 00:20:34,639
Now Itve written a song forAdele.

355
00:20:36,960 --> 00:20:40,590
And itts called <i>You LeftMe,
Butlfm Not Gonna Go OnAboutit.</i>

356
00:20:40,720 --> 00:20:42,631
(LAUGHTER)

357
00:20:42,760 --> 00:20:44,034
(PLAYS KEYBOARD)

358
00:20:52,600 --> 00:20:56,594
<i>♪ Imetyou down on the street</i>

359
00:20:56,720 --> 00:21:01,271
<i>♪Andyou saidthatthere was someone
you were on yourwayto meet</i>

360
00:21:01,400 --> 00:21:03,869
<i>♪Andlknewitcouldnftbe me</i>

361
00:21:04,000 --> 00:21:06,640
<i>♪ Because l was the one thatwas there</i>

362
00:21:06,760 --> 00:21:08,751
(LAUGHTER)

363
00:21:13,560 --> 00:21:15,073
(CHUCKLES)

364
00:21:15,200 --> 00:21:19,592
<i>♪ Istoodformanyhours
cry.ing outsideyourdoor</i>

365
00:21:19,720 --> 00:21:24,715
<i>♪ Because lknew thatourlove
ourlove was no more</i>

366
00:21:24,840 --> 00:21:28,071
<i>♪Andlsaidwhy, why, why, why, why</i>

367
00:21:28,200 --> 00:21:33,991
<i>♪ Why, why, why, why,
why, why, whywhy, why</i>

368
00:21:34,120 --> 00:21:35,554
<i>♪ Whydidyou leave?</i>

369
00:21:35,680 --> 00:21:37,398
<i>♪ Whydidyou leave me?</i>

370
00:21:37,520 --> 00:21:40,990
<i>♪ Whydidyou leave me?
Whydidyou leave me? Why?</i>

371
00:21:41,120 --> 00:21:42,633
<i>♪ Whydidyou leave me?</i>

372
00:21:42,760 --> 00:21:45,798
<i>♪ You, yes, you
Whydidyou leave me?</i>

373
00:21:45,920 --> 00:21:48,560
<i>♪ Butlfm notgonna go on aboutit</i>

374
00:21:48,680 --> 00:21:50,273
(CHEERING)

375
00:21:50,680 --> 00:21:51,954
It goes on Iike that.

376
00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:01,196
I wrote a song for Coldplay, as well.

377
00:22:01,320 --> 00:22:02,594
(LAUGHTER)

378
00:22:02,720 --> 00:22:05,917
It goes Iike this, er, "things
will probablywork out all right.

379
00:22:06,040 --> 00:22:07,838
Who-oa-oa-ah!"

380
00:22:07,960 --> 00:22:09,917
(LAUGHTER)

381
00:22:16,000 --> 00:22:19,152
Seems to sum up
their miserable <i>oeuvre,</i> doesntt it?

382
00:22:22,280 --> 00:22:23,679
(PLAYS RECORDER)

383
00:22:26,120 --> 00:22:27,872
Mumford and Sonts album. Er...

384
00:22:28,000 --> 00:22:30,389
(LAUGHTER)

385
00:22:30,520 --> 00:22:32,193
(APPLAUSE)

386
00:22:33,840 --> 00:22:35,239
You see... (CHUCKLES)

387
00:22:36,240 --> 00:22:39,073
British happiness is different
from happiness around the world

388
00:22:39,200 --> 00:22:41,794
because we process happiness
in a different way in Britain.

389
00:22:41,920 --> 00:22:45,709
American friends Itve met, Australians,
theytre much more in the moment.

390
00:22:45,840 --> 00:22:47,990
Oh, yeah! Theytre in tonight! Whoo-hoo!

391
00:22:48,120 --> 00:22:51,078
Theytre much more, much more upbeat,
much more positive.

392
00:22:51,200 --> 00:22:53,271
I sayto myAustralian friends,
"How are you?"

393
00:22:53,400 --> 00:22:56,711
"Awesome, awesome!"
I mean, genuinely in a non-ironic way.

394
00:22:56,840 --> 00:22:58,274
"How are you? Howwas yesterday?"

395
00:22:58,400 --> 00:23:00,391
"Awesome, mate!
Todayts gonna be awesome."

396
00:23:00,520 --> 00:23:01,874
"What are you doing tomorrow?"

397
00:23:02,000 --> 00:23:04,958
"I dontt know. Picking up stones
in the rain. Itts gonna be awesome."

398
00:23:05,080 --> 00:23:06,434
(LAUGHTER)

399
00:23:09,440 --> 00:23:11,431
(CHUCKLES)

400
00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:13,638
We never saythat in a non-ironic way.

401
00:23:13,760 --> 00:23:16,070
In Britain, the best youtre gonna get...

402
00:23:16,200 --> 00:23:18,476
Because our happiness
is based on this premise:

403
00:23:18,600 --> 00:23:20,750
things could have been a Iot worse.

404
00:23:20,880 --> 00:23:21,870
AII right?

405
00:23:24,640 --> 00:23:26,392
Thatts as good as it gets in Britain.

406
00:23:26,520 --> 00:23:29,751
Thatts whythe standard greeting
in Britain... "How are you?"

407
00:23:29,880 --> 00:23:31,359
"Not too bad."

408
00:23:33,760 --> 00:23:36,639
Thatts as good as it gets
in OId BIighty.

409
00:23:36,760 --> 00:23:38,876
"Not too bad."

410
00:23:39,800 --> 00:23:41,279
Things are clearly bad,

411
00:23:41,400 --> 00:23:44,199
but theytre not quite as bad
as we thought theywere gonna be.

412
00:23:45,640 --> 00:23:47,677
Wetve dialled down our expectation

413
00:23:47,800 --> 00:23:50,269
to an acceptable Ievel
ofdisappointment.

414
00:23:51,000 --> 00:23:56,439
Wetre eking out our expectation in
diminishing increments of reduced joy.

415
00:23:56,560 --> 00:23:59,200
Things are not too bad.

416
00:23:59,320 --> 00:24:00,355
Therets the abyss.

417
00:24:00,480 --> 00:24:03,279
Wetre not in the abyss,
wetre in the car park and snack area

418
00:24:03,400 --> 00:24:05,357
adjacent to the abyss.

419
00:24:05,480 --> 00:24:06,754
Itts not too bad.

420
00:24:08,000 --> 00:24:10,992
That is the Iudicrous optimism
ofthe British psyche.

421
00:24:11,120 --> 00:24:13,760
In Britain we have
the highest per-capita ownership

422
00:24:13,880 --> 00:24:15,518
ofconvertible cars in Europe.

423
00:24:15,640 --> 00:24:19,156
That is preposterous optimism,
right there.

424
00:24:19,280 --> 00:24:20,998
(APPLAUSE)

425
00:24:25,400 --> 00:24:27,869
When you see a couple
with the top down in July,

426
00:24:28,000 --> 00:24:31,152
theirfaces contorted
in a rictus ofoptimism,

427
00:24:31,280 --> 00:24:34,511
as the horizontal hail
drills into their retinas...

428
00:24:34,640 --> 00:24:36,597
"Itts clearing up, itts clearing up."

429
00:24:37,720 --> 00:24:40,394
My own mother, God rest her soul,

430
00:24:40,520 --> 00:24:43,114
one ofthe greatest optimists
I ever knew.

431
00:24:43,240 --> 00:24:45,277
At the end-of-term school play...

432
00:24:45,400 --> 00:24:46,799
I was in it, obviously.

433
00:24:46,920 --> 00:24:51,039
It was <i>The Resistible Rise
ofArturo Ui</i> by Bertolt Brecht.

434
00:24:51,160 --> 00:24:52,309
Some ofyou will know it.

435
00:24:52,440 --> 00:24:56,229
Yeah, we had quite
an ambitious English teacher and...

436
00:24:56,360 --> 00:24:58,351
(LAUGHTER)

437
00:25:00,200 --> 00:25:02,919
Forthose ofyou that dontt know,
itts a play.

438
00:25:03,040 --> 00:25:06,829
Itts about the rise ofgangsterism
in Prohibition era Chicago.

439
00:25:06,960 --> 00:25:11,113
But itts a thinlyveiled satirical
allegory about the rise of Nazism,

440
00:25:11,240 --> 00:25:14,756
the thuggishness, the brutality
and the inexorable rise of Hitler.

441
00:25:14,880 --> 00:25:17,235
AIot of parents
were expecting the Nativity.

442
00:25:17,360 --> 00:25:19,271
(LAUGHTER)

443
00:25:23,120 --> 00:25:25,111
(CORNISHACCENT)
Oh, theytve reworked this.

444
00:25:26,680 --> 00:25:28,751
Theytve done the baby Jesus up
as Hitler.

445
00:25:34,800 --> 00:25:36,154
Naturally, I was the Iead.

446
00:25:36,280 --> 00:25:38,999
I was the Ui character,
the putative Hitler character,

447
00:25:39,120 --> 00:25:42,238
so to go that extra mile,
I dyed my hair black, cut it short,

448
00:25:42,360 --> 00:25:43,555
and combed it to the side.

449
00:25:43,680 --> 00:25:46,559
I came backfrom the hairdresserts,
and I walked in and my mum went,

450
00:25:46,680 --> 00:25:50,036
"Oh, my goodness. You Iook Iovely."

451
00:25:50,160 --> 00:25:52,470
(LAUGHTER)

452
00:25:52,600 --> 00:25:54,398
I said,
"Mum, Itm supposed to be Hitler."

453
00:25:54,520 --> 00:25:56,750
And she goes, "I dontt care.
You Iookvery smart."

454
00:25:57,720 --> 00:25:59,518
And I didntt know it at the time,

455
00:25:59,640 --> 00:26:03,190
but that was the high watermark
of her approval of my appearance.

456
00:26:06,520 --> 00:26:08,158
The Hitler Christmas. (CHUCKLES)

457
00:26:09,800 --> 00:26:10,596
The Hitmas.

458
00:26:13,760 --> 00:26:15,637
See, one ofthejobs as a comic,

459
00:26:15,760 --> 00:26:19,196
you have to Iisten in sometimes to the
idiosyncratic way in which people talk.

460
00:26:19,320 --> 00:26:21,596
Sometimes you hope
to get a glimpse ofthe <i>zeitgeist.</i>

461
00:26:21,720 --> 00:26:24,360
Sometimes you dontt get that.
I was in a pub in North Devon.

462
00:26:24,480 --> 00:26:27,120
I overheard two blokes talking,
and one said to the other one,

463
00:26:27,240 --> 00:26:30,437
"You heard about that Eric Beaumont?
Hets in a right state." "Whyts that?"

464
00:26:30,560 --> 00:26:32,437
"He entered
the North Devon vegetables

465
00:26:32,560 --> 00:26:34,312
that Iook Iike celebrity competition."

466
00:26:34,440 --> 00:26:35,839
"Oh, yeah."

467
00:26:35,960 --> 00:26:36,995
"TEre...

468
00:26:37,840 --> 00:26:40,434
he had a piece of root ginger
Iooked Iike Sandra Bullock."

469
00:26:40,560 --> 00:26:41,630
"Oh, yeah?" "Yeah."

470
00:26:42,000 --> 00:26:44,435
"Sellotaped it to the wheel
ofthat coach Iike in <i>Speed.ff</i>

471
00:26:44,560 --> 00:26:47,552
"Yeah, Iovelyjob, Iovelyjob."
"Hets been disqualified."

472
00:26:47,680 --> 00:26:49,512
"Cos it didntt Iook
Iike Sandra Bullock?"

473
00:26:49,640 --> 00:26:51,472
"No, cos technically gingerts a fruit."

474
00:26:51,600 --> 00:26:52,590
"Oh, right."

475
00:26:52,720 --> 00:26:53,790
So...

476
00:26:53,920 --> 00:26:55,911
(LAUGHTER)

477
00:27:00,960 --> 00:27:03,634
Thatts ten minutes of my Iife
Itm never getting back, you know.

478
00:27:04,880 --> 00:27:08,760
I was outside my own house
here in Hammersmith where I Iive,

479
00:27:08,880 --> 00:27:11,235
keeping it real on the west side.
And...

480
00:27:11,360 --> 00:27:12,794
- (WHOOPING)
- Yes!

481
00:27:12,920 --> 00:27:14,991
And, er, I was walking up
and down my street,

482
00:27:15,120 --> 00:27:17,396
not walking up and down
Iike a distressed polar bear,

483
00:27:17,520 --> 00:27:18,555
I wasjust walking,

484
00:27:18,680 --> 00:27:21,479
Iooking up there, whatts up here
oh, thatts changed, innit?

485
00:27:21,600 --> 00:27:23,876
And, er... (CHUCKLES)

486
00:27:24,840 --> 00:27:26,751
Oh, bloody developers. Oh, yeah.

487
00:27:27,440 --> 00:27:29,431
Oh, ooh, a Costa, oh, and, er...

488
00:27:30,400 --> 00:27:34,030
Thatts evil. The evil ofCosta.
So thatts another show. And, er...

489
00:27:34,160 --> 00:27:37,039
So Itm walking up and down my street,

490
00:27:37,160 --> 00:27:38,559
and I overheartwo women talking,

491
00:27:38,680 --> 00:27:42,116
and I naturally, I instinctively
Iisten in on their conversation.

492
00:27:42,240 --> 00:27:44,959
I catch the end ofthe conversation,
and one says to the other,

493
00:27:45,080 --> 00:27:47,117
"Therets that puddle
I was telling you about."

494
00:27:47,240 --> 00:27:49,595
(LAUGHTER)

495
00:27:56,840 --> 00:27:58,194
(CHUCKLES)

496
00:27:59,680 --> 00:28:02,877
You see, the thing is
I thinkthattsjust transference.

497
00:28:03,000 --> 00:28:06,072
I think people wanna talkto each other
in Britain, but we cantt.

498
00:28:06,200 --> 00:28:08,316
Wetre incapable ofsaying nice things.

499
00:28:08,440 --> 00:28:10,875
Other people, other races
are able to do that.

500
00:28:11,000 --> 00:28:12,638
I walked the Ridgeway Iast year.

501
00:28:12,760 --> 00:28:15,036
Itts a beautiful walk,
and when you walk outdoors

502
00:28:15,160 --> 00:28:17,993
sometimes strangers accompanyyou
for a portion ofthe walk,

503
00:28:18,120 --> 00:28:20,430
and therets this wonderful
American couplejoin us.

504
00:28:20,560 --> 00:28:25,760
Really positive, upbeat, totally, er,
you know... very kind offull of Iife.

505
00:28:25,880 --> 00:28:28,030
As theywere walking
they kept up this commentary

506
00:28:28,160 --> 00:28:29,912
about what a great time
theywere having.

507
00:28:30,040 --> 00:28:34,113
"This is a great walk. What a fantastic
idea this is. Thanks for inviting me."

508
00:28:34,240 --> 00:28:36,072
"Why, youtre welcome.
What a great idea.

509
00:28:36,200 --> 00:28:38,874
Itm so glad wetre walking on this path.
What a terrific path.

510
00:28:39,000 --> 00:28:41,753
Look at that view. Itm having
a great time. Shall we have Iunch?"

511
00:28:41,880 --> 00:28:44,076
"Yes, Ietts have some Iunch.
What a great idea."

512
00:28:44,200 --> 00:28:45,349
On and on and on.

513
00:28:45,480 --> 00:28:48,518
It was weird and charming, I guess.

514
00:28:48,640 --> 00:28:49,914
And, but...

515
00:28:51,360 --> 00:28:53,510
AII of us Brits,
wetre incapable ofdoing that.

516
00:28:53,640 --> 00:28:56,154
Wetd Iove to be able to saythat,
wetd Iove to be able to say,

517
00:28:56,280 --> 00:28:58,635
"You are myfond companion.
I Iike walking with you."

518
00:28:58,760 --> 00:29:00,717
But we cantt.
It comes out in a different way.

519
00:29:00,840 --> 00:29:03,639
It comes out Iike this, "Whose idea
was this. How much further?"

520
00:29:03,760 --> 00:29:04,909
(LAUGHTER)

521
00:29:12,360 --> 00:29:13,998
(CHUCKLES)

522
00:29:14,440 --> 00:29:17,990
And the "not too bad",
thattsjust Iike a...

523
00:29:18,120 --> 00:29:19,599
Itts Iike another daily greeting.

524
00:29:19,720 --> 00:29:21,870
Somebody goes out in the week.
"Howwas Iast night?"

525
00:29:22,000 --> 00:29:24,594
"Howwas the night out?"
"Oh, not too bad."

526
00:29:24,720 --> 00:29:27,360
But ifyou haventt seen someone
in a while, you get a bit more,

527
00:29:27,480 --> 00:29:29,153
you get a bit, you get a bit extra.

528
00:29:29,280 --> 00:29:31,430
You say, "I haventt seen you in ages.
How are you?"

529
00:29:31,560 --> 00:29:34,313
Not too bad, all things considered.

530
00:29:34,440 --> 00:29:35,839
(LAUGHTER)

531
00:29:38,400 --> 00:29:40,471
When people saythat to me,
I want to sayto them,

532
00:29:40,600 --> 00:29:42,637
"You have considered all things?"

533
00:29:45,680 --> 00:29:49,116
UIuru, the Okavango Delta,
The Cradle ofall Life,

534
00:29:49,240 --> 00:29:51,151
theAIps, the genius ofMozart,

535
00:29:51,280 --> 00:29:53,715
the Iimpid minimalism ofArvo Pärt?

536
00:29:53,840 --> 00:29:55,831
The unplayable piano music
of Franz Liszt,

537
00:29:55,960 --> 00:29:58,110
whose giant manatee-Iike flipper hands

538
00:29:58,240 --> 00:30:00,390
means that ifyoutre not
a circus freak or a yeti,

539
00:30:00,520 --> 00:30:02,431
you cantt actually play
the bloody stuff?

540
00:30:05,200 --> 00:30:07,237
The tectonic plates
inching around the planet,

541
00:30:07,360 --> 00:30:09,920
mocking our briefdance
on the surface?

542
00:30:10,040 --> 00:30:12,634
Those yoghurts
with a bit offruit in the corner?

543
00:30:12,760 --> 00:30:14,717
AII human artistic endeavour?

544
00:30:14,840 --> 00:30:17,559
Everything that has ever existed
at a molecular Ievel?

545
00:30:17,680 --> 00:30:20,399
Pushing somebody in a pond
when they Ieast expect it?

546
00:30:21,640 --> 00:30:25,031
Sitting around the house in your pants
eating gluten for a Iaugh?

547
00:30:27,280 --> 00:30:30,591
Wars, religion, ideology, a rose,

548
00:30:30,720 --> 00:30:34,076
opening up a newjar of instant coffee
with the back end ofa teaspoon?

549
00:30:34,200 --> 00:30:36,510
The sensation ofthat!

550
00:30:41,000 --> 00:30:43,560
The baffling Iongevity of Linkedln?

551
00:30:43,680 --> 00:30:45,079
(LAUGHTER)

552
00:30:49,720 --> 00:30:52,109
Standing on the Rialto Bridge
at midnight

553
00:30:52,240 --> 00:30:53,674
covered in Marmite, naked,

554
00:30:53,800 --> 00:30:57,111
chucking wine gums at tourists
shouting, "I forgive you"?

555
00:31:03,760 --> 00:31:06,434
The uncountable stars,
the boundless universe,

556
00:31:06,560 --> 00:31:09,996
beyond which our imagination
founders on a distant shore,

557
00:31:10,120 --> 00:31:13,351
where we dare to touch
the hem of infinityts cloak?

558
00:31:14,120 --> 00:31:19,638
You considered the opalescence
that shimmers on the surface ofa tear,

559
00:31:19,760 --> 00:31:22,878
that wells up in the shepherdts eye,
as he...

560
00:31:24,160 --> 00:31:29,439
as he marvels at the beauty
ofyet another Patagonian sunrise?

561
00:31:30,480 --> 00:31:31,834
"You considered that?" "Yeah."

562
00:31:31,960 --> 00:31:33,553
"And how do you feel?"
"Not too bad."

563
00:31:33,680 --> 00:31:35,751
(LAUGHTER)

564
00:31:35,880 --> 00:31:37,632
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

565
00:31:42,120 --> 00:31:44,350
OK, itts time for a couple of poems.

566
00:31:44,480 --> 00:31:47,393
Er, I use the syllabic structure

567
00:31:47,520 --> 00:31:49,511
ofthe football formation:
four, four, two.

568
00:31:50,960 --> 00:31:52,519
This is called <i>Love Gone Wrong.</i>

569
00:31:52,640 --> 00:31:55,359
"I held you close,
you Iooked morose, dead wasp."

570
00:31:55,480 --> 00:31:57,471
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

571
00:32:01,560 --> 00:32:04,029
And this next poem
is a five-Iined high coup,

572
00:32:04,160 --> 00:32:05,559
a cinquain ifyou will.

573
00:32:05,680 --> 00:32:08,911
And in it I tried to sum up
what it is to Iive in the West.

574
00:32:09,040 --> 00:32:12,556
We see such chaos and destruction
enter our Iives through the TV.

575
00:32:12,680 --> 00:32:13,909
We feel upset by it,

576
00:32:14,040 --> 00:32:17,192
but we cantt be upset all the time
otherwise wetd nevertake the bins out.

577
00:32:17,320 --> 00:32:19,630
So we have to distract ourselves

578
00:32:19,760 --> 00:32:22,434
with the mundane,
the sensual, the <i>quotidien.</i>

579
00:32:22,560 --> 00:32:25,598
This is the paradox
ofWestern existence.

580
00:32:25,720 --> 00:32:29,998
"In this mad world spun fast
For nothing Iives fly past

581
00:32:30,120 --> 00:32:32,270
Helplesslywe Iook on aghast.

582
00:32:32,400 --> 00:32:33,470
Ooh, cake!"

583
00:32:33,600 --> 00:32:34,635
(LAUGHTER)

584
00:32:41,600 --> 00:32:43,955
When I was a kid,
when I was Iearning the piano,

585
00:32:44,080 --> 00:32:46,515
I always preferred the minor keys.

586
00:32:46,640 --> 00:32:49,871
The major keywas always
associated with happiness.

587
00:32:50,000 --> 00:32:52,753
But I preferred
the more melancholy minor key,

588
00:32:52,880 --> 00:32:55,349
the beautiful minor scales,
Iike the melodic minor.

589
00:32:55,480 --> 00:32:57,073
(PLAYS MINOR SCALES)

590
00:32:59,360 --> 00:33:01,476
That hopeful ascent
and depressing descent.

591
00:33:01,600 --> 00:33:03,432
<i>♪ Things are looking happyandjoyful</i>

592
00:33:03,560 --> 00:33:05,836
<i>♪ No, theyfre not
theyfre depressing andbleak</i>

593
00:33:05,960 --> 00:33:07,678
(LAUGHTER)

594
00:33:07,800 --> 00:33:10,838
And the wonderful harmonic minor
with that Eastern figure at the end.

595
00:33:10,960 --> 00:33:13,076
(PLAYS MINOR)

596
00:33:15,320 --> 00:33:17,880
Itts impossible to playthat
without playing it Iike this.

597
00:33:18,000 --> 00:33:19,991
(PLAYS MINOR)

598
00:33:21,200 --> 00:33:23,191
(BELLS JINGLING)

599
00:33:32,400 --> 00:33:33,390
Thatts why...

600
00:33:33,520 --> 00:33:34,919
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

601
00:33:35,040 --> 00:33:36,917
I failed my Grade Three.

602
00:33:38,120 --> 00:33:39,758
Itm in a social situation, people say,

603
00:33:39,880 --> 00:33:42,156
"Itts someonets birthday.
Will you playthe piano?"

604
00:33:42,280 --> 00:33:43,270
And I say, "I will."

605
00:33:43,400 --> 00:33:46,677
"Will you play <i>HappyBirthday?ff</i>
I say, "Itll do it in the minor key."

606
00:33:46,800 --> 00:33:48,871
(PLAYS <i>HAFFYBIRTHDAY</i> IN MINOR
KEYS)

607
00:33:49,000 --> 00:33:50,991
(LAUGHTER)

608
00:33:58,480 --> 00:33:59,879
Then I go a bit Liszt.

609
00:34:00,000 --> 00:34:01,991
(PLAYS FASTER, MORE UPBEAT)

610
00:34:07,040 --> 00:34:08,474
Bit cabaret.

611
00:34:16,000 --> 00:34:17,991
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

612
00:34:24,720 --> 00:34:26,836
Itve rewritten the Iyrics
to <i>HappyBirthday</i>

613
00:34:26,960 --> 00:34:29,952
because I think <i>HappyBirthday</i>
is a bit ofa dirge, so...

614
00:34:30,080 --> 00:34:31,354
Itts also too unrealistic.

615
00:34:31,480 --> 00:34:33,676
This is more downbeat and realistic.

616
00:34:33,800 --> 00:34:38,112
This is <i>HappyBirthday</i> in the style
ofthe 1930s Berlin Cabaret.

617
00:34:38,240 --> 00:34:41,232
In a Kurt Weill birthday ifyou will.

618
00:34:41,360 --> 00:34:43,351
(PLAYS KEYBOARD SLOWLY)

619
00:34:46,600 --> 00:34:48,432
<i>♪ Happybirthday</i>

620
00:34:49,040 --> 00:34:50,599
<i>♪ Happybirthday</i>

621
00:34:52,880 --> 00:34:55,076
<i>♪ Whata rhapsodyoffear</i>

622
00:34:56,480 --> 00:35:01,509
<i>♪ Letfs strum the harp ofpointlessness</i>

623
00:35:01,640 --> 00:35:06,237
<i>♪ Youfve survivedanotheryear</i>

624
00:35:09,760 --> 00:35:11,398
<i>♪ Each little candle</i>

625
00:35:11,520 --> 00:35:13,875
<i>♪A tinydeath knell</i>

626
00:35:14,000 --> 00:35:16,071
<i>♪A snickering footman</i>

627
00:35:16,200 --> 00:35:18,589
<i>♪A tolling bell</i>

628
00:35:18,720 --> 00:35:22,873
<i>♪ One fordeception
andone fora crime</i>

629
00:35:23,000 --> 00:35:27,836
<i>♪Andone fora dream
extinguishedbytime</i>

630
00:35:27,960 --> 00:35:32,477
<i>♪ Ourlives a briefshuffle
down the gangplankofpain</i>

631
00:35:32,600 --> 00:35:34,796
<i>♪ To adjustan oldsponge cake</i>

632
00:35:34,920 --> 00:35:37,150
<i>♪ Leftoutin the rain</i>

633
00:35:37,280 --> 00:35:39,396
<i>♪ Stumbling to oblivion</i>

634
00:35:39,520 --> 00:35:41,989
<i>♪ From embry.o to ghost</i>

635
00:35:42,120 --> 00:35:44,430
<i>♪ So letfs charge ourdirtyglasses</i>

636
00:35:44,560 --> 00:35:48,440
<i>♪Andraise a futile toasttoyou</i>

637
00:35:48,560 --> 00:35:52,952
<i>♪Andyourmeaningless
milestone ofdecay</i>

638
00:35:53,080 --> 00:35:55,071
(LAUGHTER)

639
00:35:56,760 --> 00:35:58,751
(CHEERING)

640
00:36:04,040 --> 00:36:05,110
<i>♪ Happybirthday</i>

641
00:36:06,200 --> 00:36:08,191
<i>♪ Happybirthday</i>

642
00:36:09,720 --> 00:36:12,360
<i>♪ Like anybodycares</i>

643
00:36:13,000 --> 00:36:15,799
<i>♪ ltfs a lie, itfs a lie
itfs a lie, itfs a lie</i>

644
00:36:15,920 --> 00:36:19,436
<i>♪ ltfs a cake in the shape ofa lie</i>

645
00:36:19,760 --> 00:36:22,195
<i>♪ Whyuse thatknife to cutthe cake?</i>

646
00:36:22,320 --> 00:36:24,914
<i>♪ Why, herefs the reaperfs scythe</i>

647
00:36:25,040 --> 00:36:27,475
<i>♪ Happybirthday, cheekychops</i>

648
00:36:27,600 --> 00:36:32,117
<i>♪ ltfs notevery.dayyoufre five</i>

649
00:36:35,560 --> 00:36:37,358
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

650
00:36:37,480 --> 00:36:38,914
Thankyou very much!

651
00:36:47,800 --> 00:36:49,199
AII right. (STRUMS GUITAR)

652
00:36:50,880 --> 00:36:53,269
Anyone here
play in a rock band?

653
00:36:53,400 --> 00:36:54,674
- (CHEERING)
- Yeah?

654
00:36:54,800 --> 00:36:57,679
Someone over here? Yeah?
What sort of, what sort of band is it?

655
00:36:57,800 --> 00:37:00,030
- Arock band? You play an instrument?
- MAN 1: Punk.

656
00:37:00,160 --> 00:37:02,720
Punk? Youtre a punk band, and you...

657
00:37:02,840 --> 00:37:04,592
Argh! Right.

658
00:37:04,720 --> 00:37:06,996
- Whatts the name ofyour band, sir?
- Death Star.

659
00:37:07,120 --> 00:37:07,996
Death Star.

660
00:37:08,120 --> 00:37:10,270
- (LAUGHTER)
- I Iike it.

661
00:37:11,120 --> 00:37:13,475
And is it sort of
quite fast and furious?

662
00:37:13,600 --> 00:37:14,795
- No.
- No.

663
00:37:14,920 --> 00:37:16,911
(LAUGHTER)

664
00:37:18,120 --> 00:37:20,589
- Itts slow punk. Hmm.
- (LAUGHTER)

665
00:37:20,720 --> 00:37:23,030
(PLAYS GUITAR)

666
00:37:23,160 --> 00:37:27,154
<i>♪ Smash the system from within</i>

667
00:37:27,280 --> 00:37:29,271
(LAUGHTER)

668
00:37:30,160 --> 00:37:32,071
(CHUCKLES)

669
00:37:32,720 --> 00:37:35,553
<i>♪ Forthatis the onlytrue way</i>

670
00:37:35,680 --> 00:37:37,796
Sorry. Itts gone medieval.
Medieval punk.

671
00:37:37,920 --> 00:37:40,150
- (LAUGHTER)
- Hmm. (PLAYS GUITAR)

672
00:37:40,280 --> 00:37:43,238
<i>♪ Smash the system from within</i>

673
00:37:43,360 --> 00:37:47,558
<i>♪Andthen wefll take the wolves
to the tower</i>

674
00:37:47,680 --> 00:37:49,876
(LAUGHTER)

675
00:37:50,000 --> 00:37:52,037
Sorry. I got
a bit distracted there. Er...

676
00:37:52,640 --> 00:37:54,916
- And do you play an instrument, sir?
- Guitar.

677
00:37:55,040 --> 00:37:56,155
Guitar! Right on.

678
00:37:56,280 --> 00:37:58,954
And when youtre,
when youtre playing with Death Star,

679
00:37:59,080 --> 00:38:02,675
when youtre rocking out, do you feel
transported bythe power of music?

680
00:38:02,800 --> 00:38:04,791
(LAUGHTER)

681
00:38:06,000 --> 00:38:08,196
Yeah? Yeah, yeah.

682
00:38:09,240 --> 00:38:10,799
So... (LAUGHS)

683
00:38:11,640 --> 00:38:15,270
Well, that was a Iong walk down a
windy beach to a cafė that was closed.

684
00:38:15,400 --> 00:38:16,515
So...

685
00:38:16,640 --> 00:38:18,836
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

686
00:38:20,440 --> 00:38:21,714
I dontt mean that in a bad way.

687
00:38:28,920 --> 00:38:31,560
Itts not Iike theytre recording it
for a DVD or anything.

688
00:38:31,680 --> 00:38:33,398
(LAUGHTER)

689
00:38:33,520 --> 00:38:34,954
Any metal fans in?

690
00:38:35,080 --> 00:38:36,434
- Yes.
- (CHEERING)

691
00:38:36,560 --> 00:38:37,675
TCourse there are.

692
00:38:37,800 --> 00:38:39,950
Er, I Iike a bit...
AII kinds of metal.

693
00:38:40,080 --> 00:38:41,878
Anyone play in a metal band?

694
00:38:42,000 --> 00:38:43,195
- MAN 2: Yeah!
- Yes!

695
00:38:43,320 --> 00:38:46,995
Excellent. And what...
what is the name ofyour band, sir?

696
00:38:47,120 --> 00:38:48,838
- WKD.
- Pardon?

697
00:38:48,960 --> 00:38:51,474
- WKD.
- WKD.

698
00:38:51,600 --> 00:38:53,432
(LAUGHTER)

699
00:38:54,080 --> 00:38:55,309
Wicked.

700
00:38:57,480 --> 00:39:00,677
Have you Iooked at the bottle youtre
drinking and gone, "Good name."?

701
00:39:00,800 --> 00:39:02,313
(LAUGHTER)

702
00:39:02,440 --> 00:39:03,635
(CHUCKLES)

703
00:39:03,760 --> 00:39:05,956
And are you...?
What kind of metal do you play?

704
00:39:06,080 --> 00:39:07,753
- Thrash.
- Thrash.

705
00:39:07,880 --> 00:39:09,359
Right, thatts one ofthe best,

706
00:39:09,480 --> 00:39:11,790
one ofthe most
aggressive forms of metal.

707
00:39:11,920 --> 00:39:13,911
(PLAYS GUITAR, ROARS)

708
00:39:14,040 --> 00:39:15,360
Er...

709
00:39:16,560 --> 00:39:18,073
Therets, er, therets death metal,

710
00:39:18,200 --> 00:39:20,840
and death metal, again,
very aggressive form of metal,

711
00:39:20,960 --> 00:39:23,395
and therets certain sort of protocols
we have to follow,

712
00:39:23,520 --> 00:39:26,672
Iike therets two singing styles,
therets the growling style, roo-roo,

713
00:39:26,800 --> 00:39:28,711
and the screaming style, agghhh!

714
00:39:28,840 --> 00:39:32,276
And therets a chord progression,
very popular in death metal,

715
00:39:32,400 --> 00:39:33,390
which is this.

716
00:39:33,520 --> 00:39:35,113
(PLAYS GUITAR)

717
00:39:35,240 --> 00:39:38,039
Which I think is the only
chord progression in death metal.

718
00:39:38,160 --> 00:39:39,559
(LAUGHTER)

719
00:39:40,360 --> 00:39:41,998
And you add that to the singing style,

720
00:39:42,120 --> 00:39:47,911
roo-roo, oh-ooh-oh-ohh-oh.

721
00:39:48,040 --> 00:39:49,519
Thatts a death-metal rowing team.

722
00:39:49,640 --> 00:39:52,598
Oh-uh-oh-uh-oh-uh.

723
00:39:54,480 --> 00:39:56,869
Which I would bloody Iove to see,
I have to say.

724
00:39:58,680 --> 00:40:00,671
Oxtord and Cambridge
rowing along sedately,

725
00:40:00,800 --> 00:40:03,155
and then a Iong black boat
pulls up alongside.

726
00:40:03,280 --> 00:40:05,669
Oh-uh-oh-uh.

727
00:40:05,800 --> 00:40:08,713
AII Viking helmets
chucking goat carcasses at them.

728
00:40:08,840 --> 00:40:10,274
Oh-uh.

729
00:40:10,400 --> 00:40:12,152
Oh, make that happen, someone.

730
00:40:12,280 --> 00:40:14,032
- Erm...
- (LAUGHTER)

731
00:40:15,160 --> 00:40:19,040
Itve got this theorythat most songs
in the popular canon

732
00:40:19,160 --> 00:40:22,471
will be improved by playing them
in the death-metal style.

733
00:40:22,600 --> 00:40:25,114
So ifyoutd Iike to suggest a few songs,

734
00:40:25,240 --> 00:40:26,674
I will endeavourto do that.

735
00:40:26,800 --> 00:40:28,359
MAN 3: Justin Bieber.

736
00:40:28,480 --> 00:40:30,437
Justin Bieber. Not Justin Bieber.

737
00:40:30,560 --> 00:40:33,439
Thatts the only one
that doesntt workweirdly. (CHUCKLES)

738
00:40:33,560 --> 00:40:35,710
- What was it?
- MAN 4: <i>Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.</i>

739
00:40:35,840 --> 00:40:39,720
<i>Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.</i>
AII right, then.

740
00:40:39,840 --> 00:40:41,319
(CHUCKLES)

741
00:40:41,440 --> 00:40:43,431
(PLAYS METAL MUSIC)

742
00:40:54,320 --> 00:40:58,234
<i>♪ Twinkle, twinkle, little star</i>

743
00:40:58,360 --> 00:41:01,000
<i>♪ Howl wonderwhatyou are</i>

744
00:41:01,600 --> 00:41:04,319
<i>♪ Up above the worldso bright</i>

745
00:41:04,440 --> 00:41:08,718
<i>♪ Like a diamondin the night</i>

746
00:41:08,840 --> 00:41:11,150
(MUSIC SPEEDS UP)

747
00:41:11,280 --> 00:41:14,033
<i>♪ Twinkle, twinkle, little star
howl wonderwhatyou are</i>

748
00:41:14,160 --> 00:41:16,390
<i>♪ Twinkle, twinkle, little star</i>

749
00:41:16,520 --> 00:41:18,636
<i>♪ Twinkle, twinkle, little star</i>

750
00:41:18,760 --> 00:41:20,751
<i>♪ Howl wonderwhatyou are</i>

751
00:41:20,880 --> 00:41:22,712
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

752
00:41:22,840 --> 00:41:24,319
Very good. Thankyou. Well done.

753
00:41:24,440 --> 00:41:27,717
Well done. Good suggestions.

754
00:41:32,880 --> 00:41:36,714
Now along with metal,
I Iike bird watching, right.

755
00:41:37,720 --> 00:41:39,757
Not at the same time.
That would be weird.

756
00:41:39,880 --> 00:41:42,235
Oh-uh... Ooh.

757
00:41:42,360 --> 00:41:43,873
Satan. Achaffinch.

758
00:41:44,000 --> 00:41:46,310
- And, erm...
- (LAUGHTER)

759
00:41:50,880 --> 00:41:54,635
But when we travel
we always have a kind ofvisual idea

760
00:41:54,760 --> 00:41:56,956
about what it will be Iike
when we get there.

761
00:41:57,080 --> 00:41:59,356
And I had this
very clearly in my mind,

762
00:41:59,480 --> 00:42:02,836
when I took mywhole family
to see the Northern Lights,

763
00:42:02,960 --> 00:42:04,473
and it was a beautiful image.

764
00:42:04,600 --> 00:42:07,274
We were all bundled up in the cold
drinking cocoa,

765
00:42:07,400 --> 00:42:09,676
Iooking at
this marvellous, natural phenomenon.

766
00:42:09,800 --> 00:42:12,519
That resolutely did not happen, right.

767
00:42:13,280 --> 00:42:16,636
We went to Tromsø in northern Norway,
in theArctic Circle.

768
00:42:16,760 --> 00:42:20,515
I dontt know ifyoutve ever been
to theArctic Circle, but it is nippy.

769
00:42:20,640 --> 00:42:22,631
And I mean that seems
an obvious thing to say,

770
00:42:22,760 --> 00:42:24,592
but, I mean, it is properly nippy.

771
00:42:24,720 --> 00:42:27,997
Itts notjust, "Oh, I might throw
a pashmina over myself." No.

772
00:42:28,120 --> 00:42:29,838
Itts "argh!"

773
00:42:31,120 --> 00:42:32,599
Your eyes freeze,

774
00:42:32,720 --> 00:42:34,313
and you forget your own name,

775
00:42:34,440 --> 00:42:38,798
and you have to put on all the clothes
youtve ever owned in your Iife.

776
00:42:38,920 --> 00:42:41,196
And then another suit,
and then more and more suits.

777
00:42:41,320 --> 00:42:44,358
I had more suits than you can imagine,
and pour soup into each Iayer.

778
00:42:44,920 --> 00:42:48,550
And you just... (GROANS)

779
00:42:50,160 --> 00:42:52,117
And also... this is my idea bythe way.

780
00:42:52,240 --> 00:42:55,312
I had this idea
that we would dog-sled underthe stars

781
00:42:55,440 --> 00:42:56,760
to see the Northern Lights,

782
00:42:56,880 --> 00:42:59,759
notjust passively enjoy it
from a hotel balcony or a cruise ship.

783
00:42:59,880 --> 00:43:04,750
No, we were gonna dog-sled
through a forest, across a glacier,

784
00:43:04,880 --> 00:43:06,757
and thus see the Northern Lights.

785
00:43:06,880 --> 00:43:08,632
What could go wrong
with that scenario?

786
00:43:08,760 --> 00:43:11,957
And, ahem, we arrived
at the dog-sledding place.

787
00:43:12,080 --> 00:43:17,029
The dogs Iooked existentiallyfurious
with everyone around.

788
00:43:17,160 --> 00:43:19,151
(GROWLS)

789
00:43:20,640 --> 00:43:22,438
This is not a good start.

790
00:43:22,560 --> 00:43:25,439
The sledge Iooked Iike something
Itd made coming backfrom the pub.

791
00:43:31,760 --> 00:43:34,957
Couple ofdeck chairs,
bit ofcarpet, brilliant!

792
00:43:35,080 --> 00:43:36,912
(LAUGHTER)

793
00:43:40,600 --> 00:43:43,672
The guidejust Iooked bored
with the whole thing.

794
00:43:43,800 --> 00:43:46,633
He was the security chap,
the safetytalk.

795
00:43:46,760 --> 00:43:48,398
He was wearing animal skins.

796
00:43:48,520 --> 00:43:51,239
CIearly, some ofthem
just recently been killed, you know.

797
00:43:51,360 --> 00:43:52,759
(LAUGHTER)

798
00:43:52,880 --> 00:43:53,870
And...

799
00:43:54,680 --> 00:43:57,832
(CLEARS THROAT) He Iooked bored
and stoned in equal measure.

800
00:43:59,160 --> 00:44:00,798
And the sledge had a braking system.

801
00:44:00,920 --> 00:44:04,914
It wasjust a metal barwith teeth in it
and hejust said, right, he goes,

802
00:44:05,040 --> 00:44:07,429
"Right, to stop it,
you just press that."

803
00:44:13,520 --> 00:44:14,919
Good Iuck. And...

804
00:44:17,440 --> 00:44:18,760
So we all got on these sledges.

805
00:44:18,880 --> 00:44:22,874
Me, mywife, our son,
my dad, mywifets parents.

806
00:44:23,000 --> 00:44:24,354
We all got on sledges,

807
00:44:24,480 --> 00:44:27,074
and headed off into the darkness.

808
00:44:27,200 --> 00:44:31,353
And within seconds
I realised this was a terrible idea.

809
00:44:31,480 --> 00:44:33,994
It was so fast, terrifyinglyfast.

810
00:44:34,120 --> 00:44:36,555
We got on the sledges.
I was all readyto go. Really excited.

811
00:44:36,680 --> 00:44:39,274
"Ooh, this Iooks great."
So here we go. Argh! God!

812
00:44:39,960 --> 00:44:41,553
Wejust shot off,

813
00:44:41,680 --> 00:44:43,910
and Iow branches
whipping over my head.

814
00:44:44,040 --> 00:44:45,951
Argh! Argh! Jesus!

815
00:44:46,080 --> 00:44:50,631
And even if it hadntt been
totally overcast,

816
00:44:50,760 --> 00:44:52,558
therets no way
you could have Ieaned back

817
00:44:52,680 --> 00:44:56,435
to Iook at the Northern Lights
without fear of instant decapitation.

818
00:44:56,560 --> 00:44:58,551
(LAUGHTER)

819
00:44:59,840 --> 00:45:01,319
(CLEARS THROAT)

820
00:45:01,760 --> 00:45:04,718
The next thing I found out
was that the dogs, right,

821
00:45:04,840 --> 00:45:06,399
they dontt pull you up a hill.

822
00:45:06,520 --> 00:45:10,400
The slightest incline
theyjust stop, right.

823
00:45:12,720 --> 00:45:14,996
Theywerentt having it. This, this...

824
00:45:15,120 --> 00:45:17,714
Amillimetre up Iike that,
and they go, "Ugh, we cantt..."

825
00:45:17,840 --> 00:45:20,434
And then the one at the back
would just Iook back at you,

826
00:45:20,560 --> 00:45:23,837
Iike all sort ofcontemptuous,
Iike, "Wetre not pulling you up there."

827
00:45:25,520 --> 00:45:26,590
Hm.

828
00:45:27,840 --> 00:45:30,832
So you had to get offthe sledge,
and walk behind,

829
00:45:30,960 --> 00:45:32,314
until you reach the Ievel area,

830
00:45:32,440 --> 00:45:35,910
and then jump back
on the sledge, right, fine.

831
00:45:36,040 --> 00:45:39,510
Er, within minutes
of Ieaving the dog base,

832
00:45:39,640 --> 00:45:42,712
there was also,
there was a tremendous kerfuffle.

833
00:45:42,840 --> 00:45:47,198
Two nurses from Prestatyn
were catapulted into a crevasse.

834
00:45:47,320 --> 00:45:50,517
Started screaming uncontrollably
in a darkened wood.

835
00:45:50,640 --> 00:45:52,358
I dontt know ifyoutve been on holiday

836
00:45:52,480 --> 00:45:54,835
when people scream uncontrollably
in a darkened wood,

837
00:45:54,960 --> 00:45:57,110
but it puts a real downer
on the whole thing.

838
00:45:59,600 --> 00:46:02,433
And theywere scooped up, put
on a snow mobile, taken backto base.

839
00:46:02,560 --> 00:46:06,235
And as theywere going past, they
were going, "Go back. Itts terrifying."

840
00:46:09,360 --> 00:46:12,352
You dontt wanna hearthat
on your holidays, right.

841
00:46:13,560 --> 00:46:15,995
Anyway, so then this is
what happened, right.

842
00:46:16,120 --> 00:46:19,431
Mywifets parents, theywere a team.

843
00:46:19,560 --> 00:46:23,155
Anne, er, shets a tiny
petite birdlike woman.

844
00:46:23,280 --> 00:46:26,557
She was the passenger and her
husband Peterwas driving the sledge.

845
00:46:26,680 --> 00:46:29,672
AIarger, er,
quite a-a-a sort ofa heavyset man.

846
00:46:29,800 --> 00:46:32,918
Ouite a fit man in his early days.
Ahill walker. Amountaineer.

847
00:46:33,040 --> 00:46:37,750
Now reaction time, not quite
what it was as a younger man,

848
00:46:37,880 --> 00:46:40,235
and quite a big weight differential
between the two.

849
00:46:40,360 --> 00:46:41,634
Ouite important Iater on.

850
00:46:42,240 --> 00:46:43,230
So...

851
00:46:45,160 --> 00:46:46,559
Peterwas on an uphill section,

852
00:46:46,680 --> 00:46:49,274
and quite rightly
he was behind the sledge walking,

853
00:46:49,400 --> 00:46:53,473
and then for some reason
the dogs were spooked,

854
00:46:53,600 --> 00:46:55,113
and theyjust took off,

855
00:46:55,240 --> 00:46:58,392
and he didntt quite make it
onto the sledge.

856
00:46:58,520 --> 00:47:02,309
So now he was running
behind the sledge andAnne telling him,

857
00:47:02,440 --> 00:47:03,669
"Peter, you have tojump on."

858
00:47:03,800 --> 00:47:06,360
"I canttjump on.
Itm just going to run behind."

859
00:47:06,480 --> 00:47:07,993
"No, Peter, you have tojump on."

860
00:47:08,120 --> 00:47:10,873
I canttjump on. Itm just gonna
run behind. Itll catch up.

861
00:47:11,000 --> 00:47:14,277
For about a quarter ofa mile
he ran behind the sledge

862
00:47:14,400 --> 00:47:16,789
till eventuallythe cold
caught up with him.

863
00:47:16,920 --> 00:47:19,594
He started to falter a bit
and his Ieg went down.

864
00:47:19,720 --> 00:47:23,190
He was down on one knee and now he
was on two knees being pulled along.

865
00:47:23,320 --> 00:47:24,719
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

866
00:47:24,840 --> 00:47:26,513
And gradually he held on.

867
00:47:26,640 --> 00:47:30,270
CIung onto the sledge until
he was being pulled along on his chin.

868
00:47:30,400 --> 00:47:32,471
Argh, argh, argh, argh, argh!

869
00:47:32,600 --> 00:47:33,749
"Peter, dontt Iet go."

870
00:47:33,880 --> 00:47:36,269
"I cantt hold on, Anne.
I think Itm gonna have to Iet go."

871
00:47:36,400 --> 00:47:37,674
"Darling!" "Itm gonna Iet go."

872
00:47:38,640 --> 00:47:40,870
He Iet go. Zoom! Gone.

873
00:47:41,440 --> 00:47:43,397
Vanished in the arctic night.

874
00:47:43,520 --> 00:47:45,511
(LAUGHTER)

875
00:47:51,840 --> 00:47:53,319
(CHUCKLES) The end! No.

876
00:47:53,440 --> 00:47:55,033
- And...
- (LAUGHTER)

877
00:47:55,720 --> 00:47:57,233
(CHUCKLES)

878
00:47:58,120 --> 00:48:00,191
We were oblivious to all ofthis.

879
00:48:00,320 --> 00:48:02,470
We were at the front
ofthis caravan ofdoom.

880
00:48:03,920 --> 00:48:06,912
I remember saying to mywife,
"Everyonets having a great time."

881
00:48:10,400 --> 00:48:14,553
Just as I said thatAnne
came hurtling out ofthe darkness.

882
00:48:15,920 --> 00:48:17,399
No driver on the back.

883
00:48:17,520 --> 00:48:18,794
Out ofcontrol.

884
00:48:20,000 --> 00:48:21,718
Screaming.

885
00:48:22,440 --> 00:48:23,760
(SCREAMS)

886
00:48:27,680 --> 00:48:29,478
I dontt know ifyoutve got in-Iaws,

887
00:48:29,600 --> 00:48:33,594
but itts unusual
to see them in that state.

888
00:48:33,720 --> 00:48:34,710
Itts...

889
00:48:35,760 --> 00:48:37,956
Itts unnerving, you know.

890
00:48:38,080 --> 00:48:42,278
Itts surreal, you know. You dontt
quite knowwhat to make of it. Whoa.

891
00:48:42,400 --> 00:48:43,595
(SCREAMS)

892
00:48:43,720 --> 00:48:47,395
Itts so different to howyou normally
see them, which is quite sedate.

893
00:48:47,520 --> 00:48:49,557
When you go round their house
and you go,

894
00:48:49,680 --> 00:48:51,318
"Hello. Do you want a cup oftea?"

895
00:48:51,440 --> 00:48:53,033
"Howwas the trip? "Oh, not too bad."

896
00:48:53,160 --> 00:48:55,231
"What was the...
what was thejourney Iike?"

897
00:48:55,360 --> 00:48:57,636
And then you have
the route conversation.

898
00:48:57,760 --> 00:48:59,194
"Well, we went on theA4792."

899
00:48:59,320 --> 00:49:02,199
"Oh, theA4792.
Well, normallyyou go the B4793."

900
00:49:02,320 --> 00:49:06,712
"Well, normallywe go the B4793,
but this yearwe went theA4792."

901
00:49:06,840 --> 00:49:08,911
"What was it, the satnav?"
"The bloody satnav."

902
00:49:09,040 --> 00:49:10,360
"Took us round the bloody..."

903
00:49:10,480 --> 00:49:11,800
"Letts have a Iook at the map."

904
00:49:11,920 --> 00:49:13,672
"So you went on theA4792..."

905
00:49:15,200 --> 00:49:18,272
On and on. We have these
conversations foryears ofour Iives.

906
00:49:18,400 --> 00:49:21,153
Nobodyts Iistening anymore.
Itve been making them up foryears.

907
00:49:21,280 --> 00:49:22,475
"Which way did you come?"

908
00:49:22,600 --> 00:49:26,878
"We tunnelled out the house. Let
ourselves in through the back door."

909
00:49:27,000 --> 00:49:29,879
"We were fired out ofa cannon.
We Ianded in next doorts garden.

910
00:49:30,000 --> 00:49:33,356
Wetve been passing ourselves off
as Belgian diplomats for sixyears.

911
00:49:33,480 --> 00:49:36,199
Madam and Monsieur Bertrand.
Wetve been Iiving in the attic.

912
00:49:36,320 --> 00:49:37,799
We come down every night on a pole."

913
00:49:37,920 --> 00:49:39,638
"The front pole orthe back pole?"

914
00:49:39,760 --> 00:49:42,832
"Oh, the back pole.
We come in. We were beamed here.

915
00:49:42,960 --> 00:49:45,031
We got a Iift with camels.

916
00:49:45,160 --> 00:49:47,037
W-W-We hitchhiked.

917
00:49:47,160 --> 00:49:49,356
We got a Iift here
with the Banana Splits.

918
00:49:49,480 --> 00:49:52,313
Snorky done a Ioad ofcrystal meth.
Smashed into a Iamppost.

919
00:49:52,440 --> 00:49:54,158
(LAUGHTER)

920
00:49:54,280 --> 00:49:55,759
The point is... (CHUCKLES)

921
00:49:56,560 --> 00:49:58,915
Such a surreal sight it was
when I sawAnne

922
00:49:59,040 --> 00:50:02,078
that myfirst reaction
was not the correct one.

923
00:50:03,880 --> 00:50:07,430
It should have been. "Oh, my God.
Let me help you." But no, it was this.

924
00:50:07,560 --> 00:50:08,709
"Wow."

925
00:50:08,840 --> 00:50:10,160
(LAUGHTER)

926
00:50:10,720 --> 00:50:12,711
Itve never seen her make that noise.

927
00:50:13,680 --> 00:50:16,957
Then a second Iater an even worse
thought entered my head which was,

928
00:50:17,080 --> 00:50:18,878
"Thatts actually quite funny." Right.

929
00:50:19,000 --> 00:50:23,631
And then the correct thought which was,
"Oh, my God. Let me help you."

930
00:50:23,760 --> 00:50:27,640
So I Ieapt onto the sledge
and brought it under control and er...

931
00:50:27,760 --> 00:50:31,151
Cos, I mean,
the machine was caning it.

932
00:50:31,280 --> 00:50:33,317
She was absolutely barrelling along.

933
00:50:33,440 --> 00:50:36,398
The dogs
without the counterweight of Peter.

934
00:50:36,520 --> 00:50:39,478
There was no weight. The dogs
thought theytd been given the night off.

935
00:50:39,600 --> 00:50:41,273
Theywere hammering along.

936
00:50:41,400 --> 00:50:43,960
It was Iike a Maserati
pulling a Pringle, right.

937
00:50:44,080 --> 00:50:46,276
(LAUGHTER)

938
00:50:52,200 --> 00:50:53,838
And I said, "Anne, wherets Peter?"

939
00:50:53,960 --> 00:50:55,712
She Iooked at me
with a mix ofemotions,

940
00:50:55,840 --> 00:50:58,070
Iike one ofthem being,
"You brought us here."

941
00:51:00,680 --> 00:51:02,557
And she spoke. I said, "Wherets Peter?"

942
00:51:02,680 --> 00:51:05,320
And she spoke in this
high-pitched querulous Welsh voice.

943
00:51:05,440 --> 00:51:08,273
I said, "Wherets Peter?"
She said, "I think hets died."

944
00:51:08,400 --> 00:51:10,391
(LAUGHTER)

945
00:51:17,080 --> 00:51:18,275
OK.

946
00:51:20,600 --> 00:51:22,398
Terrible thoughts
were entering my head.

947
00:51:23,160 --> 00:51:26,357
And theywent, "Oh, my God.
Itm responsible for a mants death."

948
00:51:26,480 --> 00:51:30,110
No, the thought in my head was,
"I will never hearthe end ofthis."

949
00:51:30,240 --> 00:51:31,639
(LAUGHTER)

950
00:51:33,080 --> 00:51:35,071
(APPLAUSE)

951
00:51:39,320 --> 00:51:42,199
Any documentary about the North Pole?
Huh? Remember? Huh?

952
00:51:43,400 --> 00:51:45,755
AFoxts GIacier Mint.
Anything could be a trigger.

953
00:51:45,880 --> 00:51:47,871
(LAUGHTER)

954
00:51:49,040 --> 00:51:50,235
And then I heard his voice.

955
00:51:50,360 --> 00:51:52,920
Oh, hets fine. Thank God.
He wasjust a bit shaken.

956
00:51:53,040 --> 00:51:55,270
So we did a head count
to see ifwetre all here.

957
00:51:55,400 --> 00:51:57,073
I Iooked around. Wetre all OK.

958
00:51:57,200 --> 00:52:00,431
My dadts sledge
had sort ofveered offthe path,

959
00:52:00,560 --> 00:52:02,198
and was now buried in a snow drift.

960
00:52:02,320 --> 00:52:04,516
Hetd been there 20 minutes. It was -22.

961
00:52:04,640 --> 00:52:06,438
My dad, his circulation,
not what it was.

962
00:52:06,560 --> 00:52:09,552
When I pulled him out I thought
hets a goner. Itve killed another one!

963
00:52:10,680 --> 00:52:12,159
Theytre dropping Iike flies.

964
00:52:13,240 --> 00:52:15,151
There was no movement on his face.

965
00:52:15,280 --> 00:52:16,475
It wasjust...

966
00:52:16,600 --> 00:52:18,511
(LAUGHTER)

967
00:52:18,640 --> 00:52:20,551
Just his tongue
coming in and out Iike this.

968
00:52:23,640 --> 00:52:26,280
He was hunched down
Iike a Iittle velociraptor, Iike this.

969
00:52:28,640 --> 00:52:31,075
I said, "Are you all right, Dad?"
Hejust went, "Ooh."

970
00:52:32,680 --> 00:52:34,796
His whole face
pulsating blue and green

971
00:52:34,920 --> 00:52:37,639
is the closest we got
to the poxy Northern Lights.

972
00:52:37,760 --> 00:52:38,750
And...

973
00:52:39,560 --> 00:52:41,551
(LAUGHTER)

974
00:52:45,800 --> 00:52:48,030
We got... (CHUCKLES) we got home,

975
00:52:48,160 --> 00:52:50,117
and we discovered
by some quirk of nature,

976
00:52:50,240 --> 00:52:53,119
the Northern Lights
had been visible from Dagenham, right.

977
00:52:53,240 --> 00:52:55,231
(LAUGHTER)

978
00:53:00,480 --> 00:53:03,472
I went for a drinkwith my neighbour
and he said, "Howwas the trip?"

979
00:53:03,600 --> 00:53:05,796
I said, "Not too bad,
all things considered."

980
00:53:08,960 --> 00:53:11,110
I met this girl when I was 19.

981
00:53:11,240 --> 00:53:12,560
I thought she was the one.

982
00:53:13,160 --> 00:53:15,879
Then she said something a bit weird
and I thought, "Maybe not".

983
00:53:16,000 --> 00:53:17,991
(LAUGHTER)

984
00:53:25,240 --> 00:53:28,119
Because Iovets strange Iike that.
Itts fickle. Itts mysterious.

985
00:53:28,240 --> 00:53:30,516
You meet someone,
you thinkyoutre getting on great,

986
00:53:30,640 --> 00:53:33,553
and they say something a bit odd,
a bit culturally inappropriate,

987
00:53:33,680 --> 00:53:35,956
and you think,
"This is not gonna work out."

988
00:53:36,080 --> 00:53:38,959
Like, youtre getting on great,
and then theytll say,

989
00:53:39,080 --> 00:53:43,074
"Hey, Itve got us some tickets
to see James BIunt in concert."

990
00:53:43,200 --> 00:53:45,077
(LAUGHTER)

991
00:53:45,200 --> 00:53:48,716
And at that point you can just go,
"This isntt working out" and walk away.

992
00:53:50,360 --> 00:53:53,079
Or sometimes youtre talking
to someone Iong into the night,

993
00:53:53,200 --> 00:53:56,318
and something monstrous
is revealed about them.

994
00:53:56,440 --> 00:54:00,752
Youtll saythings Iike, "I Iike running
into the sea naked at midnight."

995
00:54:00,880 --> 00:54:02,075
"Yeah, I Iike doing that."

996
00:54:02,200 --> 00:54:04,157
"Tell you what I dontt Iike.
Taramasalata."

997
00:54:04,280 --> 00:54:05,714
"No, I dontt Iike that, either."

998
00:54:05,840 --> 00:54:09,754
"I Iove staying up Iate at night
watching old movies. I Iove doing that."

999
00:54:09,880 --> 00:54:12,110
"Tell you what I dontt Iike. The Jews."

1000
00:54:12,240 --> 00:54:14,231
(LAUGHTER)

1001
00:54:21,840 --> 00:54:23,160
OK.

1002
00:54:23,280 --> 00:54:27,751
Itvejust gotta pop to the shops
forthe rest of my Iife.

1003
00:54:31,600 --> 00:54:33,273
See... (CHUCKLES)

1004
00:54:33,400 --> 00:54:36,870
When men and women get together
in a heterosexual context

1005
00:54:37,000 --> 00:54:40,152
thatts dotting the sexual its
and crossing the tts there,

1006
00:54:40,280 --> 00:54:42,715
women demand
more of men, you know.

1007
00:54:42,840 --> 00:54:45,229
Theywanna know more.
Theywanna knowwhatts going on.

1008
00:54:45,360 --> 00:54:47,112
Er, theywanna ask questions.

1009
00:54:47,240 --> 00:54:49,880
Erm, men wetre a bit more simplistic.

1010
00:54:50,000 --> 00:54:52,514
Wetve figured out our role in Iife
a Iong time ago,

1011
00:54:52,640 --> 00:54:56,349
which is basically carry stuff, try
not to get in the way and then we die.

1012
00:54:56,480 --> 00:54:58,471
- (LAUGHTER)
- But...

1013
00:54:58,600 --> 00:55:00,432
(SCATTEREDAPPLAUSE)

1014
00:55:00,560 --> 00:55:01,675
I mean...

1015
00:55:04,760 --> 00:55:07,479
Therets a bit more to it than that.
Thatts the bare bones of it.

1016
00:55:08,200 --> 00:55:09,270
Women want a bit more.

1017
00:55:09,400 --> 00:55:11,676
When they meet a man
theytve invested time in him.

1018
00:55:11,800 --> 00:55:14,110
Theywanna know more,
so they ask him this question,

1019
00:55:14,240 --> 00:55:16,675
"What are you thinking?
What are you thinking?"

1020
00:55:16,800 --> 00:55:20,031
Itts very important. Women have a
greater emotional articulacythan men.

1021
00:55:20,160 --> 00:55:21,673
Theywant to knowwhatts going on.

1022
00:55:21,800 --> 00:55:24,633
And when they see a man
gazing off into the middle distance,

1023
00:55:24,760 --> 00:55:26,592
a wistful Iook on his face,

1024
00:55:26,720 --> 00:55:29,109
they mistake that for intelligence.

1025
00:55:29,240 --> 00:55:30,355
And...

1026
00:55:30,480 --> 00:55:32,471
(LAUGHTER)

1027
00:55:34,800 --> 00:55:38,509
Deep philosophical thought. Wow, hets
grappling with the problems ofthe age.

1028
00:55:38,640 --> 00:55:39,710
Nope.

1029
00:55:40,520 --> 00:55:43,751
When wetre gazing off Iike that,
wetve gone into a power-saving mode.

1030
00:55:43,880 --> 00:55:45,871
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

1031
00:56:05,200 --> 00:56:06,429
"What are you thinking?"

1032
00:56:06,560 --> 00:56:07,959
"Hm. Nothing.

1033
00:56:09,440 --> 00:56:12,319
Literally nothing.

1034
00:56:12,440 --> 00:56:14,636
Aspinning wheel at best."

1035
00:56:16,200 --> 00:56:17,190
(CHUCKLES)

1036
00:56:17,320 --> 00:56:19,709
Women are quite persistent,
"What are you thinking?"

1037
00:56:19,840 --> 00:56:21,513
It will shake a bloke
out of his reverie.

1038
00:56:21,640 --> 00:56:25,599
And blokes are quite good at cobbling
together something under pressure.

1039
00:56:25,720 --> 00:56:27,074
"What are you thinking?"

1040
00:56:27,200 --> 00:56:30,716
"Er... just thinking...
how compatible we are."

1041
00:56:32,880 --> 00:56:33,870
"Aw, thatts sweet."

1042
00:56:34,000 --> 00:56:35,149
"Phew! Got awaywith it."

1043
00:56:40,320 --> 00:56:43,312
Itve been with mywife a Iong time,
many, manyyears,

1044
00:56:43,440 --> 00:56:46,114
and we have a great relationship,
wetve moved on.

1045
00:56:46,240 --> 00:56:48,800
We dontt ask ourselves
what wetre thinking anymore.

1046
00:56:48,920 --> 00:56:51,150
We dontt need to.
Wetre very honest with each other.

1047
00:56:51,280 --> 00:56:53,237
In fact, ifyoutre very honest
with someone,

1048
00:56:53,360 --> 00:56:55,829
you dontt wanna know
what theytre thinking all the time.

1049
00:56:57,040 --> 00:56:58,838
It would Iead
to some awkward exchanges.

1050
00:56:58,960 --> 00:57:02,112
We might be Iooking at a sunset. She
might say, "What are you thinking?"

1051
00:57:02,240 --> 00:57:05,358
And Itd have to say, "Itm thinking
about a sandwich I had in 1984."

1052
00:57:05,480 --> 00:57:07,471
(LAUGHTER)

1053
00:57:07,600 --> 00:57:09,591
(SMACKS LIPS)

1054
00:57:17,160 --> 00:57:20,596
Wetre sitting at the kitchen table,
ostensibly going through the accounts,

1055
00:57:20,720 --> 00:57:22,358
and Itm nodding Iike Itm Iistening.

1056
00:57:22,480 --> 00:57:24,517
"Yeah. Mm. Oh, yeah. Uh-huh."

1057
00:57:24,640 --> 00:57:27,917
But actuallywhat Itm thinking is,
"If I had a Iong, thin, bendy neck,

1058
00:57:28,040 --> 00:57:29,713
I could see whatts underthe fridge."

1059
00:57:29,840 --> 00:57:31,831
(LAUGHTER)

1060
00:57:43,520 --> 00:57:46,160
Wetre doing the washing-up,
and Itm drying a plate,

1061
00:57:46,280 --> 00:57:48,032
and Itm stuck drying this plate.

1062
00:57:48,160 --> 00:57:52,552
Sometimes you stare at the plate, and
shetll say, "What are you thinking?"

1063
00:57:52,680 --> 00:57:55,672
Itm thinking, "Could I wrestle
a Frisbee offa panther?"

1064
00:57:55,800 --> 00:57:57,359
Thatts what Itm thinking right now.

1065
00:57:58,000 --> 00:57:59,434
Just give it here!

1066
00:58:03,400 --> 00:58:04,879
Orwetre having a romantic dinner.

1067
00:58:05,000 --> 00:58:07,389
She reaches across the table,
"What are you thinking?"

1068
00:58:07,520 --> 00:58:08,794
"Honestly, what Itm thinking?

1069
00:58:08,920 --> 00:58:11,753
Itm thinking if I Iie down
next to the bathroom scales,

1070
00:58:11,880 --> 00:58:13,473
could I weigh my own head?"

1071
00:58:13,600 --> 00:58:15,955
(LAUGHTER)

1072
00:58:21,640 --> 00:58:24,029
Youtre Iaughing now.
Youtll be trying that Iater on.

1073
00:58:24,160 --> 00:58:27,198
(LAUGHTER, SCATTEREDAPPLAUSE)

1074
00:58:29,480 --> 00:58:33,314
So anyway I met this girl, right.
I was 19.

1075
00:58:33,440 --> 00:58:35,477
What do you know?
Your headts full ofsparkles.

1076
00:58:35,600 --> 00:58:39,798
And I bought a bag ofcookies
from this new cookie store in town,

1077
00:58:39,920 --> 00:58:42,673
and I turned up, and I said,
"Oh, hi. Itve got these cookies."

1078
00:58:42,800 --> 00:58:45,553
And she opened the door,
and I was momentarilytransfixed.

1079
00:58:45,680 --> 00:58:48,877
I thought, "Wow, she might be the one.
This might be it."

1080
00:58:49,000 --> 00:58:51,389
And she smiled and took a cookie,

1081
00:58:51,520 --> 00:58:56,879
and I just... suddenly our Iives
sort of unfolded before me.

1082
00:58:57,000 --> 00:58:58,718
I saw us running on a beach.

1083
00:58:58,840 --> 00:59:00,751
I saw children. I saw a marriage.

1084
00:59:00,880 --> 00:59:04,316
I saw a golden wedding anniversary
where we run a dolphin sanctuary

1085
00:59:04,440 --> 00:59:08,399
and wetre punting offto the sunset
as the dolphins form an honour guard.

1086
00:59:08,520 --> 00:59:10,955
(CLICKS)

1087
00:59:14,720 --> 00:59:17,519
AII ofthis happened in an instant,
and she took a bite ofa cookie,

1088
00:59:17,640 --> 00:59:20,996
mmm, Iike that, and then a Iittle crumb
broke offthe cookie,

1089
00:59:21,120 --> 00:59:23,714
and she Iicked it back in a sensual way.

1090
00:59:23,840 --> 00:59:25,990
<i>Off</i> her Iip, not <i>off</i> her shoulder.
I mean...

1091
00:59:26,920 --> 00:59:27,990
(SLURPS) Like that.

1092
00:59:28,120 --> 00:59:29,554
Shets not a Iizard, right.

1093
00:59:29,680 --> 00:59:31,637
(LAUGHTER)

1094
00:59:32,520 --> 00:59:35,273
Ah, unlucky in Iove again.
Another Iizard, Bill.

1095
00:59:35,400 --> 00:59:37,118
I Iove you. BIeurgh!

1096
00:59:38,000 --> 00:59:39,229
Anyway...

1097
00:59:42,040 --> 00:59:44,919
And then fatefully
she tookthe second bite,

1098
00:59:45,040 --> 00:59:48,032
and this is what ended the relationship,
stopped it in its tracks.

1099
00:59:48,160 --> 00:59:49,514
This one word and it was a word

1100
00:59:49,640 --> 00:59:51,870
that was meant to be endearing,
but it was not.

1101
00:59:52,000 --> 00:59:53,479
It was a hateful word to me.

1102
00:59:53,600 --> 00:59:55,193
It was something evil.

1103
00:59:55,320 --> 01:00:00,713
It was Iike all of Dan Brownts works
boiled down into a single hateful word.

1104
01:00:00,840 --> 01:00:05,391
And she took a bite, she Iooked at me
and she said, "Yumbles! Yumbles!"

1105
01:00:10,680 --> 01:00:14,878
And outwardly I smiled,
but inwardly I was going, "No!"

1106
01:00:16,160 --> 01:00:17,639
"Not yumbles!"

1107
01:00:19,240 --> 01:00:21,356
The Caribbean dream
evaporated in a minute.

1108
01:00:21,480 --> 01:00:25,360
One minute I had a "ram" daiquiri
in my hand, a rum daiquiri in my hand.

1109
01:00:25,480 --> 01:00:28,438
A"ram" daiquiri is a completely
different thing. Itts a sheep!

1110
01:00:29,160 --> 01:00:30,559
(CHUCKLES)

1111
01:00:31,080 --> 01:00:32,639
- (WHISTLING)
- Yeah!

1112
01:00:34,280 --> 01:00:37,511
I had a rum daiquiri in my hand,
warm wind in my hair,

1113
01:00:37,640 --> 01:00:40,393
and then the next minute a corpse
had washed up on the beach

1114
01:00:40,520 --> 01:00:43,433
and it had myface
and an eel slithered out of its mouth.

1115
01:00:43,560 --> 01:00:45,233
Eugh!

1116
01:00:45,360 --> 01:00:46,794
The skywent blackwith ravens.

1117
01:00:46,920 --> 01:00:49,719
There was a rain offrogs and
a beautiful woman went by on ajet ski,

1118
01:00:49,840 --> 01:00:52,832
except it wasntt a beautiful woman,
it was a goat in a shopping trolley

1119
01:00:52,960 --> 01:00:54,155
eating a Iight bulb,

1120
01:00:54,280 --> 01:00:55,953
and through mouthfuls of broken glass,

1121
01:00:56,080 --> 01:00:59,436
the goat was bleating,
"Yumbles, yumbles."

1122
01:00:59,560 --> 01:01:01,551
(LAUGHTER)

1123
01:01:06,160 --> 01:01:08,356
So I Iooked at herfor a minute,
and I just said,

1124
01:01:08,480 --> 01:01:10,153
"I dontt Iike the Jews"t and ran off.

1125
01:01:10,280 --> 01:01:12,510
(LAUGHTER)

1126
01:01:12,640 --> 01:01:14,711
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

1127
01:01:18,920 --> 01:01:19,910
Now...

1128
01:01:20,040 --> 01:01:21,838
(PLAYS ORGAN)

1129
01:01:21,960 --> 01:01:24,520
Itve written a musical
based on the <i>Terminatorfilms.</i>

1130
01:01:24,640 --> 01:01:26,631
(LAUGHTER)

1131
01:01:27,200 --> 01:01:28,679
In a dystopian future...

1132
01:01:30,080 --> 01:01:33,755
two people, an unlikely Iove story,

1133
01:01:33,880 --> 01:01:35,951
between a machine and a person

1134
01:01:36,080 --> 01:01:37,673
is starting to unfold.

1135
01:01:38,800 --> 01:01:40,791
(PLAYS ROMANTIC MUSIC ON
KEYBOARD)

1136
01:01:44,720 --> 01:01:46,757
(DRAMATIC DRUMS PLAYING)

1137
01:01:46,880 --> 01:01:49,474
(RESUMES ROMANTIC MUSIC
ON KEYBOARD)

1138
01:01:52,600 --> 01:01:54,591
(DRAMATIC DRUMS PLAYING)

1139
01:01:55,240 --> 01:01:57,914
FEMALE VOICE: AII through the years
Itve come to rely on you,

1140
01:01:58,040 --> 01:02:02,318
but this has blossomed into the fact
that I have feelings foryou.

1141
01:02:04,000 --> 01:02:06,071
MALE VOICE:
I cannot process feelings.

1142
01:02:08,840 --> 01:02:10,239
FEMALE VOICE: I know.

1143
01:02:10,360 --> 01:02:12,033
(SNIFFLES)

1144
01:02:12,160 --> 01:02:13,992
MALE VOICE:
What is wrong with your eyes?

1145
01:02:14,120 --> 01:02:15,793
(LAUGHTER)

1146
01:02:18,600 --> 01:02:19,795
FEMALE VOICE: Itm crying.

1147
01:02:19,920 --> 01:02:21,991
MALE VOICE: Why do you cry?

1148
01:02:22,120 --> 01:02:23,519
FEMALE VOICE: When it hurts.

1149
01:02:24,400 --> 01:02:27,153
MALE VOICE: My sense is not detecting
any physical impairment.

1150
01:02:28,320 --> 01:02:30,994
FEMALE VOICE:
Sometimes it hurts in the soul.

1151
01:02:31,120 --> 01:02:32,997
MALE VOICE: I do not understand.

1152
01:02:33,120 --> 01:02:35,031
(DRAMATIC DRUMS PLAYING)

1153
01:02:35,160 --> 01:02:36,912
(LAUGHTER)

1154
01:02:38,240 --> 01:02:40,311
MALE VOICE:
I have been out into the wasteland.

1155
01:02:42,040 --> 01:02:44,031
(DRAMATIC DRUMS PLAYING)

1156
01:02:44,880 --> 01:02:47,599
I went to the bombed-out supermarket.

1157
01:02:47,720 --> 01:02:48,994
I got you some food.

1158
01:02:49,120 --> 01:02:50,633
FEMALE VOICE: What did you get?

1159
01:02:50,760 --> 01:02:52,273
MALE VOICE: Tinned peaches.

1160
01:02:53,480 --> 01:02:55,278
I have not had them before.

1161
01:02:55,400 --> 01:02:57,471
FEMALE VOICE:
I have not seen them in a Iong time.

1162
01:02:57,600 --> 01:02:58,829
Oh, my God. Tinned peaches.

1163
01:02:59,720 --> 01:03:01,518
MALE VOICE:
Let me open them foryou.

1164
01:03:01,640 --> 01:03:05,235
Bzz bzz bzz. Zzz, vvvv.

1165
01:03:05,360 --> 01:03:06,509
I have an attachment.

1166
01:03:06,640 --> 01:03:07,789
Bzzz.

1167
01:03:07,920 --> 01:03:09,354
FEMALE VOICE: Yes, I can see.

1168
01:03:12,160 --> 01:03:14,913
Oh, wow. Tinned peaches.
I haventt tasted these in a Iong time.

1169
01:03:15,040 --> 01:03:16,553
Mmm. Yumbles.

1170
01:03:16,680 --> 01:03:18,671
(DRAMATIC DRUMS PLAYING)

1171
01:03:19,680 --> 01:03:21,079
FEMALE VOICE: Dontt go!

1172
01:03:21,200 --> 01:03:23,077
- Anyway...
- (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

1173
01:03:29,960 --> 01:03:31,598
I went to see Sir Paul McCartney.

1174
01:03:31,720 --> 01:03:33,438
Nowwe all know Beatles songs.

1175
01:03:33,560 --> 01:03:36,029
Wetve grown up with them,
we sing them and Iisten to them,

1176
01:03:36,160 --> 01:03:39,516
but when you actually hearthem
being sung by a Iiving Beatle,

1177
01:03:39,640 --> 01:03:42,473
therets an emotional heft
that I was not expecting.

1178
01:03:42,600 --> 01:03:44,398
I thought this is extraordinary.

1179
01:03:44,520 --> 01:03:46,989
These songs, theytre more than songs.
Theytre Iike memes.

1180
01:03:47,120 --> 01:03:51,193
Theytre Iike threads
in a cultural tapestry of memory.

1181
01:03:51,320 --> 01:03:54,119
When I Iooked around thousands
of people were Iost in reverie,

1182
01:03:54,240 --> 01:03:57,198
as they remembered the moment
when they heard these beautiful songs.

1183
01:03:57,320 --> 01:04:00,790
And I thought ifever I get to meet Paul
McCartney I want to try and tell him,

1184
01:04:00,920 --> 01:04:05,118
I want to try and saythis,
try and describe this experience

1185
01:04:05,240 --> 01:04:08,358
because I bet no onets evertold him
how brilliant he is overthe years.

1186
01:04:08,480 --> 01:04:10,630
(LAUGHTER)

1187
01:04:10,760 --> 01:04:12,080
I sort ofthought, "These songs,

1188
01:04:12,200 --> 01:04:15,158
theytre enmeshed, you know,
in the cultural consciousness"t

1189
01:04:15,280 --> 01:04:18,432
and I thought, it was quite arty,
a bit pretentious this speech,

1190
01:04:18,560 --> 01:04:20,039
but I thought it was well meaning.

1191
01:04:20,160 --> 01:04:23,118
Anyway, suddenlythe opportunity
arose to meet Paul McCartney.

1192
01:04:23,240 --> 01:04:26,153
Me and me mate Kev,
a huge Beatles fan,

1193
01:04:26,280 --> 01:04:28,635
we were invited backstage
to meet Paul McCartney.

1194
01:04:28,760 --> 01:04:30,797
So now Itm really excited.
Abit nervous.

1195
01:04:30,920 --> 01:04:33,355
Itve gotta get this speech right.
Itts gonna be so great.

1196
01:04:33,480 --> 01:04:36,120
So Paul McCartney, he comes out,
and he Iooks round the room,

1197
01:04:36,240 --> 01:04:39,073
and then he sees me
and very briefly our eyes meet,

1198
01:04:39,200 --> 01:04:41,999
and he Iooks at me,
and he smiles and he Ieans forward,

1199
01:04:42,120 --> 01:04:44,396
and he goes, "Bernard,
Bernard, Bernard, Bernard."

1200
01:04:44,520 --> 01:04:47,080
- (LAUGHTER)
- He didntt do it. He didntt do that.

1201
01:04:47,200 --> 01:04:49,714
- (APPLAUSE)
- He didntt do that. He didntt do that.

1202
01:04:50,440 --> 01:04:51,635
He didntt do that.

1203
01:04:51,760 --> 01:04:55,958
He came over. He shook my hand.
"Hey, nice to meet you, fellas."

1204
01:04:56,080 --> 01:04:58,435
Then I thought, "This is it, Bill.
This is it. Youtre up.

1205
01:04:58,560 --> 01:05:01,359
Youtve got to get this right.
Theretll only be one opportunity."

1206
01:05:01,480 --> 01:05:05,189
So I started the speech.
It started well, "Sir Paul McCartney..."

1207
01:05:05,320 --> 01:05:09,314
And then it went downhill really rapidly
cos I was so nervous.

1208
01:05:09,440 --> 01:05:14,037
I went, "Your songs, Iike, er,
with a tapestry and everything,

1209
01:05:14,160 --> 01:05:17,471
Iike a thread with a culture
and a black bird.

1210
01:05:17,600 --> 01:05:21,878
See, I-I-Iike, Iike...
I, a tapestry, when a goat,

1211
01:05:22,000 --> 01:05:24,435
a kestrel sees a vole and you whoo."

1212
01:05:24,560 --> 01:05:26,039
And it wasjust gibberish.

1213
01:05:26,160 --> 01:05:28,117
Kevts Iooking at me Iike,
"What the hell?"

1214
01:05:28,240 --> 01:05:30,629
And I went, "I dontt know
whatts going on."

1215
01:05:30,760 --> 01:05:32,159
And then itjust became sounds.

1216
01:05:32,280 --> 01:05:34,271
(MAKES RANDOM SOUNDS)

1217
01:05:35,160 --> 01:05:36,389
La, Ia, Ia.

1218
01:05:36,520 --> 01:05:39,797
Hm, blackbird, tapestry. Ugh...

1219
01:05:39,920 --> 01:05:42,799
And I thought, "Itm gonna have
to bail out ofthis"t so I just went,

1220
01:05:42,920 --> 01:05:44,957
"And this is my mate, Kev."

1221
01:05:47,000 --> 01:05:51,153
Paul McCartneyturns to Kev and says,
"Hey, Kev." And Kev meets his hero.

1222
01:05:51,280 --> 01:05:53,840
He goes a Iittle bit to pieces.
Hets Iike, "Oh!"

1223
01:05:53,960 --> 01:05:55,758
And his Ieg starts to go a Iittle bit.

1224
01:05:55,880 --> 01:05:58,235
And he starts to do his Iow chuckle.

1225
01:05:58,360 --> 01:06:00,351
(CHUCKLES)

1226
01:06:04,800 --> 01:06:06,552
And Paul McCartneyts
shaking his hand,

1227
01:06:06,680 --> 01:06:08,717
and now Paul McCartneyts
shaking a Iittle bit.

1228
01:06:09,800 --> 01:06:11,393
Paul McCartneyturns backto me,

1229
01:06:11,520 --> 01:06:13,397
and for some reason now
Itm doing this.

1230
01:06:13,520 --> 01:06:15,955
Mang, mang, mang, mang, mang.

1231
01:06:16,080 --> 01:06:18,071
(LAUGHTER)

1232
01:06:19,200 --> 01:06:20,395
I have no idea why.

1233
01:06:20,520 --> 01:06:23,638
I think I was trying
to reset myvocal ability,

1234
01:06:23,760 --> 01:06:26,593
and I thought I was doing it in my head,
but no, I was doing it out Ioud.

1235
01:06:26,720 --> 01:06:29,758
Mang, mang,
mang, mang, mang, mang.

1236
01:06:31,160 --> 01:06:32,559
(CHUCKLES)

1237
01:06:32,680 --> 01:06:34,159
Mang, mang, mang, mang.

1238
01:06:34,280 --> 01:06:35,998
(LAUGHTER)

1239
01:06:36,120 --> 01:06:37,872
I was Iike some drug-addled Pingu.

1240
01:06:38,000 --> 01:06:39,798
Mang, mang, mang, mang.

1241
01:06:41,560 --> 01:06:43,392
This is where
we should have backed away.

1242
01:06:43,520 --> 01:06:45,477
"Bye-bye, Paul McCartney. Bye-bye."

1243
01:06:47,320 --> 01:06:50,358
But, no, it got so much worse.
So much worse.

1244
01:06:50,880 --> 01:06:53,520
Because then I thought,
"Itm going in again.

1245
01:06:53,640 --> 01:06:56,359
If it kills me, Itm gonna have
another crack at this speech."

1246
01:06:56,480 --> 01:06:58,232
So I start again, and I try and say,

1247
01:06:58,360 --> 01:07:01,273
"Your songs are enmeshed
in the cultural consciousness."

1248
01:07:01,400 --> 01:07:04,199
But the word "enmeshed" gets stuck
in the doorway of my brain,

1249
01:07:04,320 --> 01:07:05,879
with anotherword, "entrenched".

1250
01:07:06,000 --> 01:07:10,039
So this weird hybrid word comes out,
and this is how I go,

1251
01:07:10,160 --> 01:07:13,551
"Paul, Paul, Paul,
your songs are enmenged.

1252
01:07:16,880 --> 01:07:19,110
Erm... with everyone."

1253
01:07:23,200 --> 01:07:25,191
And he Iooks at me
and goes, "Enmenged?"

1254
01:07:25,320 --> 01:07:29,314
And I forget where I am and who he is
and the context ofthis conversation.

1255
01:07:29,440 --> 01:07:31,158
So I just Iook at him and say, "What?"

1256
01:07:31,280 --> 01:07:33,271
(LAUGHTER)

1257
01:07:37,240 --> 01:07:38,799
And he Iooks at me and goes, "What?"

1258
01:07:38,920 --> 01:07:41,309
And then I say, "Enmenged"t

1259
01:07:41,440 --> 01:07:43,477
and he Iooks at me,
and he goes, "Enmenged?"

1260
01:07:43,600 --> 01:07:45,637
And I Iook at him and go, "What?"

1261
01:07:45,760 --> 01:07:50,789
Wetrejust trapped
in this weird nexus of nonsense.

1262
01:07:50,920 --> 01:07:52,149
"What? Enmenged?"

1263
01:07:52,280 --> 01:07:55,318
"Enmenged? What?" "What?"

1264
01:07:55,440 --> 01:07:56,839
"Enmenged?"

1265
01:07:57,920 --> 01:08:00,355
This is not how I wanted this
to turn out at all.

1266
01:08:00,960 --> 01:08:03,110
It goes on foryears and years.

1267
01:08:03,240 --> 01:08:05,311
We grow Iong beards. "Enmenged."

1268
01:08:05,440 --> 01:08:07,431
"Enmenged?" "What?"

1269
01:08:07,560 --> 01:08:09,517
Finally Kev saves the day.
He goes, "Great show."

1270
01:08:09,640 --> 01:08:10,755
"Oh, thank God!"

1271
01:08:10,880 --> 01:08:15,795
So theytre getting on and Paul McCartney
tells ajoke and Kevts Iaughing,

1272
01:08:15,920 --> 01:08:17,558
and I think I should nowjoin in.

1273
01:08:17,680 --> 01:08:21,071
I should now Iaugh but I dontt trust
whatts coming out of my mouth.

1274
01:08:21,200 --> 01:08:23,396
So I try a Iittle test Iaugh
a Iittle bit to the side.

1275
01:08:23,520 --> 01:08:25,318
(LAUGHS)

1276
01:08:25,440 --> 01:08:29,070
But what actually comes out is Iike
no Iaugh any human has ever Iaughed.

1277
01:08:29,200 --> 01:08:31,840
Like a zombie horse with emphysema,

1278
01:08:31,960 --> 01:08:33,758
trying to get his head
in a tightjumper.

1279
01:08:33,880 --> 01:08:35,871
(GRUNTS, GASPS)

1280
01:08:36,640 --> 01:08:38,438
(CLEARS THROAT)

1281
01:08:38,560 --> 01:08:40,949
(GRUNTS)

1282
01:08:41,080 --> 01:08:42,479
(SOUEALS)

1283
01:08:43,560 --> 01:08:45,358
(CHOKES)

1284
01:08:49,040 --> 01:08:50,917
It gets so much worse,
it gets so much worse,

1285
01:08:51,040 --> 01:08:53,680
because what happens,
Paul McCartneythen tells a story

1286
01:08:53,800 --> 01:08:56,360
about going to see Tony Bennett
in concert and I think,

1287
01:08:56,480 --> 01:08:58,710
"Itve been
to see Tony Bennett in concert.

1288
01:08:58,840 --> 01:08:59,830
This is myway back in."

1289
01:08:59,960 --> 01:09:02,634
So I Iaunch recklessly into this story.

1290
01:09:02,760 --> 01:09:05,957
Itts GIastonbury. Itts the mud fest.
The worst itts ever been.

1291
01:09:06,080 --> 01:09:08,196
Therets a Iake of Iiquid mud
in the dance tent.

1292
01:09:08,320 --> 01:09:10,709
The blokes with the nozzles
and the tractors they use

1293
01:09:10,840 --> 01:09:12,239
to suckthe crap out the toilets

1294
01:09:12,360 --> 01:09:14,829
are brought into suckthe mud
out ofthe dance tent.

1295
01:09:14,960 --> 01:09:17,474
Except something goes terriblywrong,

1296
01:09:17,600 --> 01:09:22,800
and they end up pumping
a Ioad ofshit into the dance tent.

1297
01:09:22,920 --> 01:09:25,070
(LAUGHTER)

1298
01:09:25,200 --> 01:09:26,554
I dontt think it was an accident.

1299
01:09:26,680 --> 01:09:30,116
I think it was more a case of, "Here,
dance in this, you trust-fund tossers."

1300
01:09:30,240 --> 01:09:31,560
(LAUGHTER)

1301
01:09:31,680 --> 01:09:33,239
(APPLAUSE)

1302
01:09:34,480 --> 01:09:35,675
Itm just saying.

1303
01:09:36,280 --> 01:09:38,112
Anyway, on the main stage

1304
01:09:38,240 --> 01:09:40,754
was the incongruously dapperfigure
ofTony Bennett.

1305
01:09:40,880 --> 01:09:43,872
Total mismatch with the audience
who are all mud monkeys.

1306
01:09:44,000 --> 01:09:47,356
Thousands ofthem just shuffling
about in the trenches ofthe Somme.

1307
01:09:48,280 --> 01:09:50,954
And Tony Bennettts got
an immaculate Vegas showband.

1308
01:09:51,080 --> 01:09:54,198
Na ba ba na ba, zabadoo bow!

1309
01:09:54,320 --> 01:09:57,119
And all the mud monkeys are going...
(GRUNTS)

1310
01:09:58,120 --> 01:10:00,111
Tony Bennett appears
on the back ofthe stage,

1311
01:10:00,240 --> 01:10:03,551
and hets walking down the ramp,
which is covered in Iiquid mud,

1312
01:10:03,680 --> 01:10:05,318
and halfway down he slips.

1313
01:10:05,440 --> 01:10:06,475
Whoo.

1314
01:10:06,600 --> 01:10:08,273
And then he slips forward Iike this,

1315
01:10:08,400 --> 01:10:10,710
and then he starts
careening around the stage,

1316
01:10:10,840 --> 01:10:13,719
as the band are going,
"Am bam a na ba do..."

1317
01:10:13,840 --> 01:10:17,151
And all the audience are going,
"No, Tony Bennett! Dontt fall!"

1318
01:10:18,120 --> 01:10:20,794
Tony Bennett comes out and he goes,
"Hey, what a night"t

1319
01:10:20,920 --> 01:10:23,719
Iike hets in Vegas,
and not in a shittyfield of mud

1320
01:10:23,840 --> 01:10:25,399
at half-past two in the afternoon.

1321
01:10:25,520 --> 01:10:27,955
- And...
- (LAUGHTER)

1322
01:10:28,080 --> 01:10:31,630
I try and tell this storyto Paul
McCartney. It doesntt come out right.

1323
01:10:31,760 --> 01:10:34,752
This is how it comes out, "Paul,
Paul, Paul! Itve seen Tony Bennett."

1324
01:10:34,880 --> 01:10:36,917
He went, "Whoa! Ha-ha-ha!"

1325
01:10:37,040 --> 01:10:39,475
(LAUGHTER)

1326
01:10:50,480 --> 01:10:53,313
The final indignitywas when we Ieft.

1327
01:10:53,440 --> 01:10:56,034
He turned away and he turned back
to me and he went he goes,

1328
01:10:56,160 --> 01:10:58,231
as an afterthought,
he Iooked at me and he went,

1329
01:10:58,360 --> 01:11:00,397
"Itll be watching you on the TV."

1330
01:11:00,880 --> 01:11:03,838
And I turned to him and I went,
"And Itll be watching you"t

1331
01:11:03,960 --> 01:11:05,189
and I poked him in the eye.

1332
01:11:05,320 --> 01:11:06,913
(LAUGHTER)

1333
01:11:17,520 --> 01:11:19,670
Hejust Ieaned forward
at the Iast minute.

1334
01:11:20,720 --> 01:11:21,835
Whoa!

1335
01:11:25,840 --> 01:11:28,832
My only hope is somewhere in the
world tonight hets telling that story,

1336
01:11:28,960 --> 01:11:30,394
and he gets to that bit and he goes,

1337
01:11:30,520 --> 01:11:32,830
"And then one ofthe Hairy Bikers
poked me in the eye."

1338
01:11:32,960 --> 01:11:35,031
(LAUGHTER)

1339
01:11:35,160 --> 01:11:37,276
Youtve been a Iovely crowd,
Hammersmith!

1340
01:11:37,840 --> 01:11:39,558
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

1341
01:11:44,280 --> 01:11:45,793
Thanks very much.

1342
01:11:47,080 --> 01:11:48,753
One more? One more?

1343
01:11:48,880 --> 01:11:51,190
(CHEERING)

1344
01:11:53,240 --> 01:11:54,674
Well, itts that time of night

1345
01:11:55,280 --> 01:11:57,430
where I play an Irish reel
upon the mandola.

1346
01:11:58,560 --> 01:12:00,392
This is called <i>Nanafs GotNo Gammon.</i>

1347
01:12:00,520 --> 01:12:02,079
- (STRUMS MANDOLA)
- (LAUGHTER)

1348
01:12:24,240 --> 01:12:26,231
(CLAPPING)

1349
01:12:47,240 --> 01:12:48,833
(MUSIC GRADUALLYSPEEDS UP)

1350
01:12:51,920 --> 01:12:54,309
(CHEERING)

1351
01:13:16,680 --> 01:13:18,671
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

1352
01:13:26,280 --> 01:13:27,679
Thankyou, Hammersmith!

1353
01:13:27,800 --> 01:13:29,791
(CHEERING, WHISTLING)

1354
01:13:33,040 --> 01:13:35,031
Subtitles: BTI Studios

1355
01:13:35,160 --> 01:13:37,151
ENGLISH SDH