(APPLAUSE)
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
(MUSIC BOX PLAYS TUNE)
Hello.
Good evening, Hammersmith. Hmm.
(CHEERING)
Yes, it is I.
This is my new name for Britain, Limboland.
(LAUGHS)
People have suggested others. Poundland.
Er, Leavakia.
Er... (LAUGHS)
Who is gonna take us forward
in these uncertain times, these tumultuous waters?
Well, itts not gonna be the Greens, is it? God Iove tem.
God Iove the Greens. CIosest to my political heart.
But they are, theytre well-meaning,
but helpless, arentt they, you know?
Theytrejust useless, the Greens.
Theytre Iike a CND sticker on a submarine, you know. Theyjust...
(LAUGHTER)
Every election Itm willing them to say something
that isntt bereft ofcommon sense.
Come on! Come on! You can do it!
Er, we want to scrap the army.
Agh...
And what? And replace it with a stout wickerfence.
Oh, Christ.
Not again.
Cars are illegal. Petrolts free.
Yes, thankyou, thankyou.
(LAUGHTER)
My Iocal hospitalts been torn down.
Been replaced with an app.
Er...
(LAUGHTER)
You download it, it tells you where you can harvest Iocal medicinal herbs,
just Iike Tinderforwitch hazel.
And...
(STRUMS GUITAR)
But Itm a massive supporter ofthe NHS.
Is there any NHS supporters? Any NHS workers?
(WHOOPING)
Big up yourselves.
Massive respect.
My mum and dad worked in the NHS theirwhole Iives.
I couldntt do thatjob.
Well, I haventt got the qualifications, obviously.
Itd be a Iiability ifanything. "Hold on, mate. Itll Google it."
Itts notjust about qualifications, is it? Itts a vocational thing.
Youtve got to knowwhat to say to people sometimes in difficult times.
Youtve got to knowwhat to say. Youtve got to be compassionate and firm.
Youtve got to be tender.
I dontt think Itve got it in me. I think Itm too emotionally glib.
If I had to be the bearer of bad news, Itd probably get it all wrong, you know.
Itd probably do it in song form.
(STRUMS GUITAR)
Thattd be wrong, wouldntt it? Come out Iike this.
♪ Ifve seen yourscans
♪ Donftmake anyplans
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
(CHEERING, WHOOPING)
(STRUMS GUITAR)
♪A farming incidentin Ukraine
♪ Foultry.willneverbe the same
♪A revolution the worldheldits breath
♪ The daythe chickens marchedon Kiev
(LAUGHTER)
♪ Theirbeaks are shiny andnotvery.long
♪ Theirwings are tiny andnotvery.strong
♪ Bravelytheymarchedtheirbanners alla flutter
♪ Stoppumping us with garlic butter
♪ The firstto fall was the bravestoffowl
♪ He attackeda queue in KFC
♪ Theykilledhim with a trowel
♪ Theygrabbedthe body cos the staffwere gonna chuckit
♪ Theyburiedhim with some coleslaw in a herofs bucket
♪ Hurrah, hurrah
♪ This chicken havoc we are wreaking
♪ Rejoice, rejoice
♪ The ducks have taken Feking
♪ Nothing left allstreets sweptclean
♪ No chickens, no chickens to be seen
♪ Justa lone voice in thispoultry. Waterloo
♪ You can cutoffourheads
♪ Butwefllstillbe chasingyou
♪ The daythe chickens marchedon Kiev
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Cheers.
Itm just trying to get behind anything.
I mean... something!
Like, bizarre OIympic sports. I watch them three otclock in the morning.
This sort of... That one. You know, the race walking.
The cockney marathon I call it. Yeah, thatts it. Move it up, yeah.
(LAUGHS)
♪ Do me a favour lfm doing the cockneymarathon
I just Iove it.
I had a very odd experience in Tallinn in Estonia.
Some years ago I did a sitcom called BlackBooks.
- And in it... - (CHEERING)
...there was a scene in it
where I held up a neck massager to my breasts,
and there were two rotating cones.
I was Iike, "Bernard, Bernard, Bernard. Itm a prostitute robot from the future."
Nowfast-forward to TallinnAirport security.
(LAUGHTER)
Itm putting my items through the scanner, the Eye ofSauron as I call it.
And the guard fixed me with a gimlet eye,
and he nudged his mate, and he went, yeah,
mumbling something in what I assumed was Estonian.
(MUTTERS)
He turned to me and he went, "Bernard, Bernard, Bernard, Bernard, Bernard."
He went, "Bernard, Bernard, Bernard." (LAUGHS)
Now...
I knewwhat he meant,
but it freaked all the other passengers out Iike you wouldntt believe.
(LAUGHTER)
They all thought it was some weird Estonian folk greeting.
And then ofcourse we had to take the obligatory selfie.
Now Itm fine with that.
I accept social media into my Iife, albeit grudgingly,
because ifyoutre in the public eye, Iike what I am,
you have to have a social media presence,
otherwise some other nerk will rob it offyou, all right?
As I discovered when I went on Twitter,
and there were four other Bill Bailey Twitter users pretending to be me,
having a much more fulfilling Iife, which is really galling.
Itts extraordinary. Facebook is Iike the Death Star.
It sucks us in with those tempting Iinks.
Protractor beam of Facebook.
Oh, Iook at this Iink, oh, I must resist.
But, no, Iook at it. Itts so tempting.
When this guy put some bread in a toaster,
you wontt believe what happened next.
What happened, what happened, what happened?
(LAUGHTER)
You will believe what happened next.
And... and YouTube, ittsjust Iike a portal forthe deranged.
Itts Iike a... itts Iike a sump from a vast underground Iake ofanger.
I put a still photograph ofa cabbage on YouTube to see what would happen.
The amount of hatred that came back myway.
What did you do that for? You stupid man! You stupid cabbage man.
(LAUGHTER)
Itts a cabbage, innit?
Being online is very dangerous, you know.
Being online wetre at riskfrom cybercrime.
My email was hacked. Some hackers got in.
They guessed "bill123" and they got in.
(LAUGHTER)
And they emailed my accountant.
Now some ofyou are thinking, "You haventt got an accountant, Bill.
You keep all your money in a tree stump in the woods,
and every midsummerts eve you askthe wise old stag ofthe forest
to tap out where I should invest it."
But, no, I actually have got an accountant.
Well, I did have and they emailed her,
and asked herto transfer some money to an account in Turkey.
Aplace Itve never been. Showed no interest.
And she bloody did! Shejust handed it over!
Nowwhat really annoyed me was the Ianguage that they used
was so clearly not me.
(TURKISHACCENT) Hurry up. Where is money?
Send money now, Julie, forTurkey house.
(LAUGHTER)
Did she think, "Billts a bit grumpytoday.
Hets Iost his grip ofgrammatic structure"?
And then they used a Ioad of baffling emojis.
Things I would never use. "Hurry up, Julie. Where is money?"
Pony, pony, pony, cricket bat, sad face, cable car.
But we have to accept technology into our Iives.
Therets nowhere back.
Erm, I-Itm going to make an assumption here, Hammersmith.
Itm gonna guess everyone herets got a smartphone,
and, er, everyonets got their own ringtones.
Erm, but herets a way... Herets a thing you can do.
Er, you can make your own ringtones.
Erm, you can make them out ofany everyday household object,
Iike this hand-carvedAfrican Iog drum.
(LAUGHTER)
Perhaps Iike a messaging tone.
Something Iike that, or perhaps a WhatsApp.
Or perhaps a Ionger personalised ringtone for a family member.
(CHEERING, WHOOPING)
Hello? You know... Something ofthat nature.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
And what you can do, Itm just gonna demonstrate now
howyou can create a very simple, working everyday ringtone.
Right, so thatts it. Recorded.
Now here it is sampled over here.
(TUNE PLAYS THROUGH MIXER)
And you can improve it with a bit ofa musical counterpoint Iike this.
Here comes the ringtone.
(PLAYS KEYBOARD)
Or ifyou prefer, you can Iayerthe ringtones
into a kind of ringtone symphony, Iike this.
(PLAYS MIXER, SNAPS FINGERS)
(ADDS VARIOUS SOUNDS)
(CHEERING)
(SHAKER NOISE)
Uno, dos, tres, cuatro!
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
(THEREMIN SOUND)
Asitar solo.
(PLAYS KEYBOARD)
(TURNS OFF VARIOUS SOUNDS FROM MIXER)
(MUSIC STOPS)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Something Iike that.
You never see any Satanists playing Iog drums though, do you?
♪ Satan is coming foryoureyes
You never hearthat. Now...
(LAUGHTER)
Itll tell you what really annoys me,
apart from taramasalata and bad manners,
and that is...
the constant pressure to upgrade.
Notjust technology, but our Iives generally.
Everytime you open a paper, or a magazine,
therets some article exhorting you to Iive a better Iife.
Ten superfoods you should be eating right now.
Ten places you should have gone.
Youtve been Iooking out the windowwrong yourwhole Iife.
And really I was disturbed recently by one.
It said, "Itd been eating biscuits the wrong way up mywhole Iife."
Right, now does anyone here eat chocolate Digestive biscuits?
You, sir. Do you?
When you eat them, when the chocolate goes in your mouth,
- itts on the top, right? - Yeah.
So the chocolate goes in on the top, the writingts on the bottom.
But when you eat the plain Digestive, wherets the writing? Itts on the top.
Thatts howwe should be eating them.
Wetve been eating chocolate Digestives upside down ourwhole Iives.
Itm clearly more freaked out bythis than you are.
(LAUGHTER)
(CHUCKLES)
Ittsjust part ofthis pressure to improve our Iives.
I get this all the time, and you cantt withhold.
Eventually, you succumb.
Friends were telling me, "Bill, you Iook a bit stressed.
You need to get a massage."
And I hate massage. Itm covered in hair.
I feel Iike a dog being groomed.
But... I say, "AII right, Itll go along with this."
So eventually I went to get a massage, you know.
Not a, you know... I mean a...
AIegitimate one. Not a, you know...
I dontt knowwhat that is actually. Thattsjust a weird gesture.
There you go, mate. Itts Iike a cockney drive-by massage.
There you go, mate. Have some ofthat.
There you go. Thattll sort your chakras out.
No. Ooh, double-bubble.
And, er...
I went to a spa, you know, Iike a tosser,
and, er...
I got undressed, put the robe on,
put the Iittle hairnet thing on Iike that.
Itm waiting forthe masseur, and she comes in the room,
and the first thing she did was this... (GASPS)
Which is not a good start for any sort ofsocial interaction. That.
(GASPS)
It turns out it wasntt a hairnet, it was disposable underpants, right.
(LAUGHTER)
I dontt know. I just put them on.
And I actuallythought, "These are really comfortable.
Therets two holes foryour ears. This is brilliant."
And while I was waiting I had teased all my hair out through the holes.
(LAUGHTER)
I Iooked Iike Princess Leiats wizard uncle, you know.
But happiness is now no Ionger a thing,
which may happen to us, you know,
and thatts the thing, thatts where itts Ieading all ofthis.
The end point ofWestern civilisation is to be happy. Happiness.
And happiness is now no Ionger just a random thing,
which may or may not happen to us ifwetre Iucky.
Itts a quantifiable resource. Itts a currency.
I flewto Copenhagen. I came out ofthe airport, there was a sign saying,
"Welcome to Denmark, the happiest country in the world."
Now Itve been to Denmark, itts nice,
but people are not congoing down the street going,
(SINGSONG) We all Iive in Denmark, we all Iive..
Wearing a cape, made out of bacon, and a pastry hat,
which is obviouslywhat Itd do.
And the reason forthat is that Denmark has got great social provision.
Itts got, you know, good healthcare and great education
and the roads are nice, and everythingts nice.
But that doesntt necessarily equate to happiness.
To me, happiness is more elusive, itts more mercurial, itts subjective.
It could be anything - birdsong, a funny-shaped cloud.
Finding a valid receipt for a faulty domestic appliance.
(CELESTIALVOICE) Ah-ah-ah-ah.
(LAUGHTER)
That is Iike the universe shining on you for a day. There.
Because ifyoutve tried to take a toaster backwithout a receipt,
- that is a walk ofshame. - (LAUGHTER)
Itve tried that, you walk in,
"Er, Itd Iike to return this toaster, please."
"Do you have a receipt?"
"Er, no, but I did have one,
and I bought it here, well, not here, another shop.
It doesntt matter because I bought things,
and I bought a toaster, and I Iike toast.
I Iike to buttertoast. Yum, yum, yum."
And youtre making no sense.
Then you start babbling Iike anAfrican prince,
who has promised me £5 million, ifwe email him some toast.
Itll cut you in on the deal. (CHUCKLES)
And then they realise you haventt got a receipt,
and this must give them a mild sexual thrill I think.
"Well, Itm terribly sorry, sir, ifyou dontt...
have...
a valid receipt..."
But ifyou do have a receipt, oh, what a beautiful thing that is.
Oh, frabjous day. "Do you have a receipt?"
"Yes, I do. Ooh, Iook, Itve Iaminated it for my pleasure."
(LAUGHS)
"Itm Iooking at you through it."
(LAUGHS)
(SMACKS LIPS) Pa-ding!
Such a glorious reveal that is.
I sometimes delaythe pleasure ofthat
by pretending I dontt actually have a receipt.
"Do you have a receipt?"
"No, a kestrel snatched it from my grasp seconds ago,
but I need this cordless kettle because I have a rare condition,
where my knees need to be immersed in boiling water all the time.
I need... (MUMBLES)
(MUTTERS)
Then you turn away all broken and go, "Wait a minute. Whatts this?"
(CACKLES)
Cos that is happiness right there.
What the Danes have is something else. That is contentment.
Contentment is knowing that youtre right.
Happiness is knowing that someone else is wrong.
(LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Namaste.
Tiny Iittle things make us happy.
For me, itts schadenfreude.
The vicarious pleasure ofwatching popstars humiliated. Thatts all it is.
When Justin Bieberfell down the trapdoor. Whoo-hoo! Yeah?
I wanna see more ofthat. I wanna see Kanye West step on a rake, right.
(WHOOPING)
Nothing Iife-threatening, just annoying. Dang!
(CHUCKLES)
EIton John gets his hand stuck in a teapot.
Thatts all I want.
Somebodyts told him therets a Fabergė egg in there,
and hets gone in after it
with his pudgy Iittle pub-piano playing fingers.
The preposterous, pompous, wiggy Iittle berkthat he is.
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
Dontt knowwhere that came from. Er...
Dontt mean it in a bad way.
Now Itve written a song forAdele.
And itts called You LeftMe, Butlfm Not Gonna Go OnAboutit.
(LAUGHTER)
(PLAYS KEYBOARD)
♪ Imetyou down on the street
♪Andyou saidthatthere was someone you were on yourwayto meet
♪Andlknewitcouldnftbe me
♪ Because l was the one thatwas there
(LAUGHTER)
(CHUCKLES)
♪ Istoodformanyhours cry.ing outsideyourdoor
♪ Because lknew thatourlove ourlove was no more
♪Andlsaidwhy, why, why, why, why
♪ Why, why, why, why, why, why, whywhy, why
♪ Whydidyou leave?
♪ Whydidyou leave me?
Whydidyou leave me? Why?
♪ Whydidyou leave me?
♪ You, yes, you Whydidyou leave me?
♪ Butlfm notgonna go on aboutit
(CHEERING)
It goes on Iike that.
I wrote a song for Coldplay, as well.
(LAUGHTER)
It goes Iike this, er, "things will probablywork out all right.
Who-oa-oa-ah!"
(LAUGHTER)
Seems to sum up their miserable oeuvre, doesntt it?
(PLAYS RECORDER)
Mumford and Sonts album. Er...
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
You see... (CHUCKLES)
British happiness is different from happiness around the world
because we process happiness in a different way in Britain.
American friends Itve met, Australians, theytre much more in the moment.
Oh, yeah! Theytre in tonight! Whoo-hoo!
Theytre much more, much more upbeat, much more positive.
I sayto myAustralian friends, "How are you?"
"Awesome, awesome!" I mean, genuinely in a non-ironic way.
"How are you? Howwas yesterday?"
"Awesome, mate! Todayts gonna be awesome."
"What are you doing tomorrow?"
"I dontt know. Picking up stones in the rain. Itts gonna be awesome."
(LAUGHTER)
(CHUCKLES)
We never saythat in a non-ironic way.
In Britain, the best youtre gonna get...
Because our happiness is based on this premise:
things could have been a Iot worse.
AII right?
Thatts as good as it gets in Britain.
Thatts whythe standard greeting in Britain... "How are you?"
"Not too bad."
Thatts as good as it gets in OId BIighty.
"Not too bad."
Things are clearly bad,
but theytre not quite as bad as we thought theywere gonna be.
Wetve dialled down our expectation
to an acceptable Ievel ofdisappointment.
Wetre eking out our expectation in diminishing increments of reduced joy.
Things are not too bad.
Therets the abyss.
Wetre not in the abyss, wetre in the car park and snack area
adjacent to the abyss.
Itts not too bad.
That is the Iudicrous optimism ofthe British psyche.
In Britain we have the highest per-capita ownership
ofconvertible cars in Europe.
That is preposterous optimism, right there.
(APPLAUSE)
When you see a couple with the top down in July,
theirfaces contorted in a rictus ofoptimism,
as the horizontal hail drills into their retinas...
"Itts clearing up, itts clearing up."
My own mother, God rest her soul,
one ofthe greatest optimists I ever knew.
At the end-of-term school play...
I was in it, obviously.
It was The Resistible Rise ofArturo Ui by Bertolt Brecht.
Some ofyou will know it.
Yeah, we had quite an ambitious English teacher and...
(LAUGHTER)
Forthose ofyou that dontt know, itts a play.
Itts about the rise ofgangsterism in Prohibition era Chicago.
But itts a thinlyveiled satirical allegory about the rise of Nazism,
the thuggishness, the brutality and the inexorable rise of Hitler.
AIot of parents were expecting the Nativity.
(LAUGHTER)
(CORNISHACCENT) Oh, theytve reworked this.
Theytve done the baby Jesus up as Hitler.
Naturally, I was the Iead.
I was the Ui character, the putative Hitler character,
so to go that extra mile, I dyed my hair black, cut it short,
and combed it to the side.
I came backfrom the hairdresserts, and I walked in and my mum went,
"Oh, my goodness. You Iook Iovely."
(LAUGHTER)
I said, "Mum, Itm supposed to be Hitler."
And she goes, "I dontt care. You Iookvery smart."
And I didntt know it at the time,
but that was the high watermark of her approval of my appearance.
The Hitler Christmas. (CHUCKLES)
The Hitmas.
See, one ofthejobs as a comic,
you have to Iisten in sometimes to the idiosyncratic way in which people talk.
Sometimes you hope to get a glimpse ofthe zeitgeist.
Sometimes you dontt get that. I was in a pub in North Devon.
I overheard two blokes talking, and one said to the other one,
"You heard about that Eric Beaumont? Hets in a right state." "Whyts that?"
"He entered the North Devon vegetables
that Iook Iike celebrity competition."
"Oh, yeah."
"TEre...
he had a piece of root ginger Iooked Iike Sandra Bullock."
"Oh, yeah?" "Yeah."
"Sellotaped it to the wheel ofthat coach Iike in Speed.ff
"Yeah, Iovelyjob, Iovelyjob." "Hets been disqualified."
"Cos it didntt Iook Iike Sandra Bullock?"
"No, cos technically gingerts a fruit."
"Oh, right."
So...
(LAUGHTER)
Thatts ten minutes of my Iife Itm never getting back, you know.
I was outside my own house here in Hammersmith where I Iive,
keeping it real on the west side. And...
- (WHOOPING) - Yes!
And, er, I was walking up and down my street,
not walking up and down Iike a distressed polar bear,
I wasjust walking,
Iooking up there, whatts up here oh, thatts changed, innit?
And, er... (CHUCKLES)
Oh, bloody developers. Oh, yeah.
Oh, ooh, a Costa, oh, and, er...
Thatts evil. The evil ofCosta. So thatts another show. And, er...
So Itm walking up and down my street,
and I overheartwo women talking,
and I naturally, I instinctively Iisten in on their conversation.
I catch the end ofthe conversation, and one says to the other,
"Therets that puddle I was telling you about."
(LAUGHTER)
(CHUCKLES)
You see, the thing is I thinkthattsjust transference.
I think people wanna talkto each other in Britain, but we cantt.
Wetre incapable ofsaying nice things.
Other people, other races are able to do that.
I walked the Ridgeway Iast year.
Itts a beautiful walk, and when you walk outdoors
sometimes strangers accompanyyou for a portion ofthe walk,
and therets this wonderful American couplejoin us.
Really positive, upbeat, totally, er, you know... very kind offull of Iife.
As theywere walking they kept up this commentary
about what a great time theywere having.
"This is a great walk. What a fantastic idea this is. Thanks for inviting me."
"Why, youtre welcome. What a great idea.
Itm so glad wetre walking on this path. What a terrific path.
Look at that view. Itm having a great time. Shall we have Iunch?"
"Yes, Ietts have some Iunch. What a great idea."
On and on and on.
It was weird and charming, I guess.
And, but...
AII of us Brits, wetre incapable ofdoing that.
Wetd Iove to be able to saythat, wetd Iove to be able to say,
"You are myfond companion. I Iike walking with you."
But we cantt. It comes out in a different way.
It comes out Iike this, "Whose idea was this. How much further?"
(LAUGHTER)
(CHUCKLES)
And the "not too bad", thattsjust Iike a...
Itts Iike another daily greeting.
Somebody goes out in the week. "Howwas Iast night?"
"Howwas the night out?" "Oh, not too bad."
But ifyou haventt seen someone in a while, you get a bit more,
you get a bit, you get a bit extra.
You say, "I haventt seen you in ages. How are you?"
Not too bad, all things considered.
(LAUGHTER)
When people saythat to me, I want to sayto them,
"You have considered all things?"
UIuru, the Okavango Delta, The Cradle ofall Life,
theAIps, the genius ofMozart,
the Iimpid minimalism ofArvo Pärt?
The unplayable piano music of Franz Liszt,
whose giant manatee-Iike flipper hands
means that ifyoutre not a circus freak or a yeti,
you cantt actually play the bloody stuff?
The tectonic plates inching around the planet,
mocking our briefdance on the surface?
Those yoghurts with a bit offruit in the corner?
AII human artistic endeavour?
Everything that has ever existed at a molecular Ievel?
Pushing somebody in a pond when they Ieast expect it?
Sitting around the house in your pants eating gluten for a Iaugh?
Wars, religion, ideology, a rose,
opening up a newjar of instant coffee with the back end ofa teaspoon?
The sensation ofthat!
The baffling Iongevity of Linkedln?
(LAUGHTER)
Standing on the Rialto Bridge at midnight
covered in Marmite, naked,
chucking wine gums at tourists shouting, "I forgive you"?
The uncountable stars, the boundless universe,
beyond which our imagination founders on a distant shore,
where we dare to touch the hem of infinityts cloak?
You considered the opalescence that shimmers on the surface ofa tear,
that wells up in the shepherdts eye, as he...
as he marvels at the beauty ofyet another Patagonian sunrise?
"You considered that?" "Yeah."
"And how do you feel?" "Not too bad."
(LAUGHTER)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
OK, itts time for a couple of poems.
Er, I use the syllabic structure
ofthe football formation: four, four, two.
This is called Love Gone Wrong.
"I held you close, you Iooked morose, dead wasp."
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
And this next poem is a five-Iined high coup,
a cinquain ifyou will.
And in it I tried to sum up what it is to Iive in the West.
We see such chaos and destruction enter our Iives through the TV.
We feel upset by it,
but we cantt be upset all the time otherwise wetd nevertake the bins out.
So we have to distract ourselves
with the mundane, the sensual, the quotidien.
This is the paradox ofWestern existence.
"In this mad world spun fast For nothing Iives fly past
Helplesslywe Iook on aghast.
Ooh, cake!"
(LAUGHTER)
When I was a kid, when I was Iearning the piano,
I always preferred the minor keys.
The major keywas always associated with happiness.
But I preferred the more melancholy minor key,
the beautiful minor scales, Iike the melodic minor.
(PLAYS MINOR SCALES)
That hopeful ascent and depressing descent.
♪ Things are looking happyandjoyful
♪ No, theyfre not theyfre depressing andbleak
(LAUGHTER)
And the wonderful harmonic minor with that Eastern figure at the end.
(PLAYS MINOR)
Itts impossible to playthat without playing it Iike this.
(PLAYS MINOR)
(BELLS JINGLING)
Thatts why...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
I failed my Grade Three.
Itm in a social situation, people say,
"Itts someonets birthday. Will you playthe piano?"
And I say, "I will."
"Will you play HappyBirthday?ff I say, "Itll do it in the minor key."
(PLAYS HAFFYBIRTHDAY IN MINOR KEYS)
(LAUGHTER)
Then I go a bit Liszt.
(PLAYS FASTER, MORE UPBEAT)
Bit cabaret.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Itve rewritten the Iyrics to HappyBirthday
because I think HappyBirthday is a bit ofa dirge, so...
Itts also too unrealistic.
This is more downbeat and realistic.
This is HappyBirthday in the style ofthe 1930s Berlin Cabaret.
In a Kurt Weill birthday ifyou will.
(PLAYS KEYBOARD SLOWLY)
♪ Happybirthday
♪ Whata rhapsodyoffear
♪ Letfs strum the harp ofpointlessness
♪ Youfve survivedanotheryear
♪ Each little candle
♪A tinydeath knell
♪A snickering footman
♪A tolling bell
♪ One fordeception andone fora crime
♪Andone fora dream extinguishedbytime
♪ Ourlives a briefshuffle down the gangplankofpain
♪ To adjustan oldsponge cake
♪ Leftoutin the rain
♪ Stumbling to oblivion
♪ From embry.o to ghost
♪ So letfs charge ourdirtyglasses
♪Andraise a futile toasttoyou
♪Andyourmeaningless milestone ofdecay
(LAUGHTER)
(CHEERING)
♪ Happybirthday
♪ Like anybodycares
♪ ltfs a lie, itfs a lie itfs a lie, itfs a lie
♪ ltfs a cake in the shape ofa lie
♪ Whyuse thatknife to cutthe cake?
♪ Why, herefs the reaperfs scythe
♪ Happybirthday, cheekychops
♪ ltfs notevery.dayyoufre five
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Thankyou very much!
AII right. (STRUMS GUITAR)
Anyone here play in a rock band?
- (CHEERING) - Yeah?
Someone over here? Yeah? What sort of, what sort of band is it?
- Arock band? You play an instrument? - MAN 1: Punk.
Punk? Youtre a punk band, and you...
Argh! Right.
- Whatts the name ofyour band, sir? - Death Star.
Death Star.
- (LAUGHTER) - I Iike it.
And is it sort of quite fast and furious?
- No. - No.
(LAUGHTER)
- Itts slow punk. Hmm. - (LAUGHTER)
(PLAYS GUITAR)
♪ Smash the system from within
(LAUGHTER)
(CHUCKLES)
♪ Forthatis the onlytrue way
Sorry. Itts gone medieval. Medieval punk.
- (LAUGHTER) - Hmm. (PLAYS GUITAR)
♪ Smash the system from within
♪Andthen wefll take the wolves to the tower
(LAUGHTER)
Sorry. I got a bit distracted there. Er...
- And do you play an instrument, sir? - Guitar.
Guitar! Right on.
And when youtre, when youtre playing with Death Star,
when youtre rocking out, do you feel transported bythe power of music?
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah? Yeah, yeah.
So... (LAUGHS)
Well, that was a Iong walk down a windy beach to a cafė that was closed.
So...
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
I dontt mean that in a bad way.
Itts not Iike theytre recording it for a DVD or anything.
(LAUGHTER)
Any metal fans in?
- Yes. - (CHEERING)
TCourse there are.
Er, I Iike a bit... AII kinds of metal.
Anyone play in a metal band?
- MAN 2: Yeah! - Yes!
Excellent. And what... what is the name ofyour band, sir?
- WKD. - Pardon?
- WKD. - WKD.
(LAUGHTER)
Wicked.
Have you Iooked at the bottle youtre drinking and gone, "Good name."?
(LAUGHTER)
(CHUCKLES)
And are you...? What kind of metal do you play?
- Thrash. - Thrash.
Right, thatts one ofthe best,
one ofthe most aggressive forms of metal.
(PLAYS GUITAR, ROARS)
Er...
Therets, er, therets death metal,
and death metal, again, very aggressive form of metal,
and therets certain sort of protocols we have to follow,
Iike therets two singing styles, therets the growling style, roo-roo,
and the screaming style, agghhh!
And therets a chord progression, very popular in death metal,
which is this.
(PLAYS GUITAR)
Which I think is the only chord progression in death metal.
(LAUGHTER)
And you add that to the singing style,
roo-roo, oh-ooh-oh-ohh-oh.
Thatts a death-metal rowing team.
Oh-uh-oh-uh-oh-uh.
Which I would bloody Iove to see, I have to say.
Oxtord and Cambridge rowing along sedately,
and then a Iong black boat pulls up alongside.
Oh-uh-oh-uh.
AII Viking helmets chucking goat carcasses at them.
Oh-uh.
Oh, make that happen, someone.
- Erm... - (LAUGHTER)
Itve got this theorythat most songs in the popular canon
will be improved by playing them in the death-metal style.
So ifyoutd Iike to suggest a few songs,
I will endeavourto do that.
MAN 3: Justin Bieber.
Justin Bieber. Not Justin Bieber.
Thatts the only one that doesntt workweirdly. (CHUCKLES)
- What was it? - MAN 4: Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.
Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star. AII right, then.
(CHUCKLES)
(PLAYS METAL MUSIC)
♪ Twinkle, twinkle, little star
♪ Howl wonderwhatyou are
♪ Up above the worldso bright
♪ Like a diamondin the night
(MUSIC SPEEDS UP)
♪ Twinkle, twinkle, little star howl wonderwhatyou are
♪ Twinkle, twinkle, little star
♪ Howl wonderwhatyou are
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Very good. Thankyou. Well done.
Well done. Good suggestions.
Now along with metal, I Iike bird watching, right.
Not at the same time. That would be weird.
Oh-uh... Ooh.
Satan. Achaffinch.
- And, erm... - (LAUGHTER)
But when we travel we always have a kind ofvisual idea
about what it will be Iike when we get there.
And I had this very clearly in my mind,
when I took mywhole family to see the Northern Lights,
and it was a beautiful image.
We were all bundled up in the cold drinking cocoa,
Iooking at this marvellous, natural phenomenon.
That resolutely did not happen, right.
We went to Tromsø in northern Norway, in theArctic Circle.
I dontt know ifyoutve ever been to theArctic Circle, but it is nippy.
And I mean that seems an obvious thing to say,
but, I mean, it is properly nippy.
Itts notjust, "Oh, I might throw a pashmina over myself." No.
Itts "argh!"
Your eyes freeze,
and you forget your own name,
and you have to put on all the clothes youtve ever owned in your Iife.
And then another suit, and then more and more suits.
I had more suits than you can imagine, and pour soup into each Iayer.
And you just... (GROANS)
And also... this is my idea bythe way.
I had this idea that we would dog-sled underthe stars
to see the Northern Lights,
notjust passively enjoy it from a hotel balcony or a cruise ship.
No, we were gonna dog-sled through a forest, across a glacier,
and thus see the Northern Lights.
What could go wrong with that scenario?
And, ahem, we arrived at the dog-sledding place.
The dogs Iooked existentiallyfurious with everyone around.
(GROWLS)
This is not a good start.
The sledge Iooked Iike something Itd made coming backfrom the pub.
Couple ofdeck chairs, bit ofcarpet, brilliant!
(LAUGHTER)
The guidejust Iooked bored with the whole thing.
He was the security chap, the safetytalk.
He was wearing animal skins.
CIearly, some ofthem just recently been killed, you know.
(LAUGHTER)
And...
(CLEARS THROAT) He Iooked bored and stoned in equal measure.
And the sledge had a braking system.
It wasjust a metal barwith teeth in it and hejust said, right, he goes,
"Right, to stop it, you just press that."
Good Iuck. And...
So we all got on these sledges.
Me, mywife, our son, my dad, mywifets parents.
We all got on sledges,
and headed off into the darkness.
And within seconds I realised this was a terrible idea.
It was so fast, terrifyinglyfast.
We got on the sledges. I was all readyto go. Really excited.
"Ooh, this Iooks great." So here we go. Argh! God!
Wejust shot off,
and Iow branches whipping over my head.
Argh! Argh! Jesus!
And even if it hadntt been totally overcast,
therets no way you could have Ieaned back
to Iook at the Northern Lights without fear of instant decapitation.
(LAUGHTER)
(CLEARS THROAT)
The next thing I found out was that the dogs, right,
they dontt pull you up a hill.
The slightest incline theyjust stop, right.
Theywerentt having it. This, this...
Amillimetre up Iike that, and they go, "Ugh, we cantt..."
And then the one at the back would just Iook back at you,
Iike all sort ofcontemptuous, Iike, "Wetre not pulling you up there."
Hm.
So you had to get offthe sledge, and walk behind,
until you reach the Ievel area,
and then jump back on the sledge, right, fine.
Er, within minutes of Ieaving the dog base,
there was also, there was a tremendous kerfuffle.
Two nurses from Prestatyn were catapulted into a crevasse.
Started screaming uncontrollably in a darkened wood.
I dontt know ifyoutve been on holiday
when people scream uncontrollably in a darkened wood,
but it puts a real downer on the whole thing.
And theywere scooped up, put on a snow mobile, taken backto base.
And as theywere going past, they were going, "Go back. Itts terrifying."
You dontt wanna hearthat on your holidays, right.
Anyway, so then this is what happened, right.
Mywifets parents, theywere a team.
Anne, er, shets a tiny petite birdlike woman.
She was the passenger and her husband Peterwas driving the sledge.
AIarger, er, quite a-a-a sort ofa heavyset man.
Ouite a fit man in his early days. Ahill walker. Amountaineer.
Now reaction time, not quite what it was as a younger man,
and quite a big weight differential between the two.
Ouite important Iater on.
So...
Peterwas on an uphill section,
and quite rightly he was behind the sledge walking,
and then for some reason the dogs were spooked,
and theyjust took off,
and he didntt quite make it onto the sledge.
So now he was running behind the sledge andAnne telling him,
"Peter, you have tojump on."
"I canttjump on. Itm just going to run behind."
"No, Peter, you have tojump on."
I canttjump on. Itm just gonna run behind. Itll catch up.
For about a quarter ofa mile he ran behind the sledge
till eventuallythe cold caught up with him.
He started to falter a bit and his Ieg went down.
He was down on one knee and now he was on two knees being pulled along.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
And gradually he held on.
CIung onto the sledge until he was being pulled along on his chin.
Argh, argh, argh, argh, argh!
"Peter, dontt Iet go."
"I cantt hold on, Anne. I think Itm gonna have to Iet go."
"Darling!" "Itm gonna Iet go."
He Iet go. Zoom! Gone.
Vanished in the arctic night.
(LAUGHTER)
(CHUCKLES) The end! No.
- And... - (LAUGHTER)
(CHUCKLES)
We were oblivious to all ofthis.
We were at the front ofthis caravan ofdoom.
I remember saying to mywife, "Everyonets having a great time."
Just as I said thatAnne came hurtling out ofthe darkness.
No driver on the back.
Out ofcontrol.
Screaming.
(SCREAMS)
I dontt know ifyoutve got in-Iaws,
but itts unusual to see them in that state.
Itts...
Itts unnerving, you know.
Itts surreal, you know. You dontt quite knowwhat to make of it. Whoa.
(SCREAMS)
Itts so different to howyou normally see them, which is quite sedate.
When you go round their house and you go,
"Hello. Do you want a cup oftea?"
"Howwas the trip? "Oh, not too bad."
"What was the... what was thejourney Iike?"
And then you have the route conversation.
"Well, we went on theA4792."
"Oh, theA4792. Well, normallyyou go the B4793."
"Well, normallywe go the B4793, but this yearwe went theA4792."
"What was it, the satnav?" "The bloody satnav."
"Took us round the bloody..."
"Letts have a Iook at the map."
"So you went on theA4792..."
On and on. We have these conversations foryears ofour Iives.
Nobodyts Iistening anymore. Itve been making them up foryears.
"Which way did you come?"
"We tunnelled out the house. Let ourselves in through the back door."
"We were fired out ofa cannon. We Ianded in next doorts garden.
Wetve been passing ourselves off as Belgian diplomats for sixyears.
Madam and Monsieur Bertrand. Wetve been Iiving in the attic.
We come down every night on a pole."
"The front pole orthe back pole?"
"Oh, the back pole. We come in. We were beamed here.
We got a Iift with camels.
W-W-We hitchhiked.
We got a Iift here with the Banana Splits.
Snorky done a Ioad ofcrystal meth. Smashed into a Iamppost.
(LAUGHTER)
The point is... (CHUCKLES)
Such a surreal sight it was when I sawAnne
that myfirst reaction was not the correct one.
It should have been. "Oh, my God. Let me help you." But no, it was this.
"Wow."
(LAUGHTER)
Itve never seen her make that noise.
Then a second Iater an even worse thought entered my head which was,
"Thatts actually quite funny." Right.
And then the correct thought which was, "Oh, my God. Let me help you."
So I Ieapt onto the sledge and brought it under control and er...
Cos, I mean, the machine was caning it.
She was absolutely barrelling along.
The dogs without the counterweight of Peter.
There was no weight. The dogs thought theytd been given the night off.
Theywere hammering along.
It was Iike a Maserati pulling a Pringle, right.
(LAUGHTER)
And I said, "Anne, wherets Peter?"
She Iooked at me with a mix ofemotions,
Iike one ofthem being, "You brought us here."
And she spoke. I said, "Wherets Peter?"
And she spoke in this high-pitched querulous Welsh voice.
I said, "Wherets Peter?" She said, "I think hets died."
(LAUGHTER)
OK.
Terrible thoughts were entering my head.
And theywent, "Oh, my God. Itm responsible for a mants death."
No, the thought in my head was, "I will never hearthe end ofthis."
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
Any documentary about the North Pole? Huh? Remember? Huh?
AFoxts GIacier Mint. Anything could be a trigger.
(LAUGHTER)
And then I heard his voice.
Oh, hets fine. Thank God. He wasjust a bit shaken.
So we did a head count to see ifwetre all here.
I Iooked around. Wetre all OK.
My dadts sledge had sort ofveered offthe path,
and was now buried in a snow drift.
Hetd been there 20 minutes. It was -22.
My dad, his circulation, not what it was.
When I pulled him out I thought hets a goner. Itve killed another one!
Theytre dropping Iike flies.
There was no movement on his face.
It wasjust...
(LAUGHTER)
Just his tongue coming in and out Iike this.
He was hunched down Iike a Iittle velociraptor, Iike this.
I said, "Are you all right, Dad?" Hejust went, "Ooh."
His whole face pulsating blue and green
is the closest we got to the poxy Northern Lights.
And...
(LAUGHTER)
We got... (CHUCKLES) we got home,
and we discovered by some quirk of nature,
the Northern Lights had been visible from Dagenham, right.
(LAUGHTER)
I went for a drinkwith my neighbour and he said, "Howwas the trip?"
I said, "Not too bad, all things considered."
I met this girl when I was 19.
I thought she was the one.
Then she said something a bit weird and I thought, "Maybe not".
(LAUGHTER)
Because Iovets strange Iike that. Itts fickle. Itts mysterious.
You meet someone, you thinkyoutre getting on great,
and they say something a bit odd, a bit culturally inappropriate,
and you think, "This is not gonna work out."
Like, youtre getting on great, and then theytll say,
"Hey, Itve got us some tickets to see James BIunt in concert."
(LAUGHTER)
And at that point you can just go, "This isntt working out" and walk away.
Or sometimes youtre talking to someone Iong into the night,
and something monstrous is revealed about them.
Youtll saythings Iike, "I Iike running into the sea naked at midnight."
"Yeah, I Iike doing that."
"Tell you what I dontt Iike. Taramasalata."
"No, I dontt Iike that, either."
"I Iove staying up Iate at night watching old movies. I Iove doing that."
"Tell you what I dontt Iike. The Jews."
(LAUGHTER)
OK.
Itvejust gotta pop to the shops forthe rest of my Iife.
See... (CHUCKLES)
When men and women get together in a heterosexual context
thatts dotting the sexual its and crossing the tts there,
women demand more of men, you know.
Theywanna know more. Theywanna knowwhatts going on.
Er, theywanna ask questions.
Erm, men wetre a bit more simplistic.
Wetve figured out our role in Iife a Iong time ago,
which is basically carry stuff, try not to get in the way and then we die.
- (LAUGHTER) - But...
(SCATTEREDAPPLAUSE)
I mean...
Therets a bit more to it than that. Thatts the bare bones of it.
Women want a bit more.
When they meet a man theytve invested time in him.
Theywanna know more, so they ask him this question,
"What are you thinking? What are you thinking?"
Itts very important. Women have a greater emotional articulacythan men.
Theywant to knowwhatts going on.
And when they see a man gazing off into the middle distance,
a wistful Iook on his face,
they mistake that for intelligence.
And...
(LAUGHTER)
Deep philosophical thought. Wow, hets grappling with the problems ofthe age.
Nope.
When wetre gazing off Iike that, wetve gone into a power-saving mode.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
"What are you thinking?"
"Hm. Nothing.
Literally nothing.
Aspinning wheel at best."
(CHUCKLES)
Women are quite persistent, "What are you thinking?"
It will shake a bloke out of his reverie.
And blokes are quite good at cobbling together something under pressure.
"What are you thinking?"
"Er... just thinking... how compatible we are."
"Aw, thatts sweet."
"Phew! Got awaywith it."
Itve been with mywife a Iong time, many, manyyears,
and we have a great relationship, wetve moved on.
We dontt ask ourselves what wetre thinking anymore.
We dontt need to. Wetre very honest with each other.
In fact, ifyoutre very honest with someone,
you dontt wanna know what theytre thinking all the time.
It would Iead to some awkward exchanges.
We might be Iooking at a sunset. She might say, "What are you thinking?"
And Itd have to say, "Itm thinking about a sandwich I had in 1984."
(LAUGHTER)
(SMACKS LIPS)
Wetre sitting at the kitchen table, ostensibly going through the accounts,
and Itm nodding Iike Itm Iistening.
"Yeah. Mm. Oh, yeah. Uh-huh."
But actuallywhat Itm thinking is, "If I had a Iong, thin, bendy neck,
I could see whatts underthe fridge."
(LAUGHTER)
Wetre doing the washing-up, and Itm drying a plate,
and Itm stuck drying this plate.
Sometimes you stare at the plate, and shetll say, "What are you thinking?"
Itm thinking, "Could I wrestle a Frisbee offa panther?"
Thatts what Itm thinking right now.
Just give it here!
Orwetre having a romantic dinner.
She reaches across the table, "What are you thinking?"
"Honestly, what Itm thinking?
Itm thinking if I Iie down next to the bathroom scales,
could I weigh my own head?"
(LAUGHTER)
Youtre Iaughing now. Youtll be trying that Iater on.
(LAUGHTER, SCATTEREDAPPLAUSE)
So anyway I met this girl, right. I was 19.
What do you know? Your headts full ofsparkles.
And I bought a bag ofcookies from this new cookie store in town,
and I turned up, and I said, "Oh, hi. Itve got these cookies."
And she opened the door, and I was momentarilytransfixed.
I thought, "Wow, she might be the one. This might be it."
And she smiled and took a cookie,
and I just... suddenly our Iives sort of unfolded before me.
I saw us running on a beach.
I saw children. I saw a marriage.
I saw a golden wedding anniversary where we run a dolphin sanctuary
and wetre punting offto the sunset as the dolphins form an honour guard.
(CLICKS)
AII ofthis happened in an instant, and she took a bite ofa cookie,
mmm, Iike that, and then a Iittle crumb broke offthe cookie,
and she Iicked it back in a sensual way.
Off her Iip, not off her shoulder. I mean...
(SLURPS) Like that.
Shets not a Iizard, right.
(LAUGHTER)
Ah, unlucky in Iove again. Another Iizard, Bill.
I Iove you. BIeurgh!
Anyway...
And then fatefully she tookthe second bite,
and this is what ended the relationship, stopped it in its tracks.
This one word and it was a word
that was meant to be endearing, but it was not.
It was a hateful word to me.
It was something evil.
It was Iike all of Dan Brownts works boiled down into a single hateful word.
And she took a bite, she Iooked at me and she said, "Yumbles! Yumbles!"
And outwardly I smiled, but inwardly I was going, "No!"
"Not yumbles!"
The Caribbean dream evaporated in a minute.
One minute I had a "ram" daiquiri in my hand, a rum daiquiri in my hand.
A"ram" daiquiri is a completely different thing. Itts a sheep!
(CHUCKLES)
- (WHISTLING) - Yeah!
I had a rum daiquiri in my hand, warm wind in my hair,
and then the next minute a corpse had washed up on the beach
and it had myface and an eel slithered out of its mouth.
Eugh!
The skywent blackwith ravens.
There was a rain offrogs and a beautiful woman went by on ajet ski,
except it wasntt a beautiful woman, it was a goat in a shopping trolley
eating a Iight bulb,
and through mouthfuls of broken glass,
the goat was bleating, "Yumbles, yumbles."
(LAUGHTER)
So I Iooked at herfor a minute, and I just said,
"I dontt Iike the Jews"t and ran off.
(LAUGHTER)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Now...
(PLAYS ORGAN)
Itve written a musical based on the Terminatorfilms.
(LAUGHTER)
In a dystopian future...
two people, an unlikely Iove story,
between a machine and a person
is starting to unfold.
(PLAYS ROMANTIC MUSIC ON KEYBOARD)
(DRAMATIC DRUMS PLAYING)
(RESUMES ROMANTIC MUSIC ON KEYBOARD)
(DRAMATIC DRUMS PLAYING)
FEMALE VOICE: AII through the years Itve come to rely on you,
but this has blossomed into the fact that I have feelings foryou.
MALE VOICE: I cannot process feelings.
FEMALE VOICE: I know.
(SNIFFLES)
MALE VOICE: What is wrong with your eyes?
(LAUGHTER)
FEMALE VOICE: Itm crying.
MALE VOICE: Why do you cry?
FEMALE VOICE: When it hurts.
MALE VOICE: My sense is not detecting any physical impairment.
FEMALE VOICE: Sometimes it hurts in the soul.
MALE VOICE: I do not understand.
(DRAMATIC DRUMS PLAYING)
(LAUGHTER)
MALE VOICE: I have been out into the wasteland.
(DRAMATIC DRUMS PLAYING)
I went to the bombed-out supermarket.
I got you some food.
FEMALE VOICE: What did you get?
MALE VOICE: Tinned peaches.
I have not had them before.
FEMALE VOICE: I have not seen them in a Iong time.
Oh, my God. Tinned peaches.
MALE VOICE: Let me open them foryou.
Bzz bzz bzz. Zzz, vvvv.
I have an attachment.
Bzzz.
FEMALE VOICE: Yes, I can see.
Oh, wow. Tinned peaches. I haventt tasted these in a Iong time.
Mmm. Yumbles.
(DRAMATIC DRUMS PLAYING)
FEMALE VOICE: Dontt go!
- Anyway... - (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
I went to see Sir Paul McCartney.
Nowwe all know Beatles songs.
Wetve grown up with them, we sing them and Iisten to them,
but when you actually hearthem being sung by a Iiving Beatle,
therets an emotional heft that I was not expecting.
I thought this is extraordinary.
These songs, theytre more than songs. Theytre Iike memes.
Theytre Iike threads in a cultural tapestry of memory.
When I Iooked around thousands of people were Iost in reverie,
as they remembered the moment when they heard these beautiful songs.
And I thought ifever I get to meet Paul McCartney I want to try and tell him,
I want to try and saythis, try and describe this experience
because I bet no onets evertold him how brilliant he is overthe years.
(LAUGHTER)
I sort ofthought, "These songs,
theytre enmeshed, you know, in the cultural consciousness"t
and I thought, it was quite arty, a bit pretentious this speech,
but I thought it was well meaning.
Anyway, suddenlythe opportunity arose to meet Paul McCartney.
Me and me mate Kev, a huge Beatles fan,
we were invited backstage to meet Paul McCartney.
So now Itm really excited. Abit nervous.
Itve gotta get this speech right. Itts gonna be so great.
So Paul McCartney, he comes out, and he Iooks round the room,
and then he sees me and very briefly our eyes meet,
and he Iooks at me, and he smiles and he Ieans forward,
and he goes, "Bernard, Bernard, Bernard, Bernard."
- (LAUGHTER) - He didntt do it. He didntt do that.
- (APPLAUSE) - He didntt do that. He didntt do that.
He didntt do that.
He came over. He shook my hand. "Hey, nice to meet you, fellas."
Then I thought, "This is it, Bill. This is it. Youtre up.
Youtve got to get this right. Theretll only be one opportunity."
So I started the speech. It started well, "Sir Paul McCartney..."
And then it went downhill really rapidly cos I was so nervous.
I went, "Your songs, Iike, er, with a tapestry and everything,
Iike a thread with a culture and a black bird.
See, I-I-Iike, Iike... I, a tapestry, when a goat,
a kestrel sees a vole and you whoo."
And it wasjust gibberish.
Kevts Iooking at me Iike, "What the hell?"
And I went, "I dontt know whatts going on."
And then itjust became sounds.
(MAKES RANDOM SOUNDS)
La, Ia, Ia.
Hm, blackbird, tapestry. Ugh...
And I thought, "Itm gonna have to bail out ofthis"t so I just went,
"And this is my mate, Kev."
Paul McCartneyturns to Kev and says, "Hey, Kev." And Kev meets his hero.
He goes a Iittle bit to pieces. Hets Iike, "Oh!"
And his Ieg starts to go a Iittle bit.
And he starts to do his Iow chuckle.
(CHUCKLES)
And Paul McCartneyts shaking his hand,
and now Paul McCartneyts shaking a Iittle bit.
Paul McCartneyturns backto me,
and for some reason now Itm doing this.
Mang, mang, mang, mang, mang.
(LAUGHTER)
I have no idea why.
I think I was trying to reset myvocal ability,
and I thought I was doing it in my head, but no, I was doing it out Ioud.
Mang, mang, mang, mang, mang, mang.
(CHUCKLES)
Mang, mang, mang, mang.
(LAUGHTER)
I was Iike some drug-addled Pingu.
Mang, mang, mang, mang.
This is where we should have backed away.
"Bye-bye, Paul McCartney. Bye-bye."
But, no, it got so much worse. So much worse.
Because then I thought, "Itm going in again.
If it kills me, Itm gonna have another crack at this speech."
So I start again, and I try and say,
"Your songs are enmeshed in the cultural consciousness."
But the word "enmeshed" gets stuck in the doorway of my brain,
with anotherword, "entrenched".
So this weird hybrid word comes out, and this is how I go,
"Paul, Paul, Paul, your songs are enmenged.
Erm... with everyone."
And he Iooks at me and goes, "Enmenged?"
And I forget where I am and who he is and the context ofthis conversation.
So I just Iook at him and say, "What?"
(LAUGHTER)
And he Iooks at me and goes, "What?"
And then I say, "Enmenged"t
and he Iooks at me, and he goes, "Enmenged?"
And I Iook at him and go, "What?"
Wetrejust trapped in this weird nexus of nonsense.
"What? Enmenged?"
"Enmenged? What?" "What?"
"Enmenged?"
This is not how I wanted this to turn out at all.
It goes on foryears and years.
We grow Iong beards. "Enmenged."
"Enmenged?" "What?"
Finally Kev saves the day. He goes, "Great show."
"Oh, thank God!"
So theytre getting on and Paul McCartney tells ajoke and Kevts Iaughing,
and I think I should nowjoin in.
I should now Iaugh but I dontt trust whatts coming out of my mouth.
So I try a Iittle test Iaugh a Iittle bit to the side.
(LAUGHS)
But what actually comes out is Iike no Iaugh any human has ever Iaughed.
Like a zombie horse with emphysema,
trying to get his head in a tightjumper.
(GRUNTS, GASPS)
(CLEARS THROAT)
(GRUNTS)
(SOUEALS)
(CHOKES)
It gets so much worse, it gets so much worse,
because what happens, Paul McCartneythen tells a story
about going to see Tony Bennett in concert and I think,
"Itve been to see Tony Bennett in concert.
This is myway back in."
So I Iaunch recklessly into this story.
Itts GIastonbury. Itts the mud fest. The worst itts ever been.
Therets a Iake of Iiquid mud in the dance tent.
The blokes with the nozzles and the tractors they use
to suckthe crap out the toilets
are brought into suckthe mud out ofthe dance tent.
Except something goes terriblywrong,
and they end up pumping a Ioad ofshit into the dance tent.
(LAUGHTER)
I dontt think it was an accident.
I think it was more a case of, "Here, dance in this, you trust-fund tossers."
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
Itm just saying.
Anyway, on the main stage
was the incongruously dapperfigure ofTony Bennett.
Total mismatch with the audience who are all mud monkeys.
Thousands ofthem just shuffling about in the trenches ofthe Somme.
And Tony Bennettts got an immaculate Vegas showband.
Na ba ba na ba, zabadoo bow!
And all the mud monkeys are going... (GRUNTS)
Tony Bennett appears on the back ofthe stage,
and hets walking down the ramp, which is covered in Iiquid mud,
and halfway down he slips.
Whoo.
And then he slips forward Iike this,
and then he starts careening around the stage,
as the band are going, "Am bam a na ba do..."
And all the audience are going, "No, Tony Bennett! Dontt fall!"
Tony Bennett comes out and he goes, "Hey, what a night"t
Iike hets in Vegas, and not in a shittyfield of mud
at half-past two in the afternoon.
- And... - (LAUGHTER)
I try and tell this storyto Paul McCartney. It doesntt come out right.
This is how it comes out, "Paul, Paul, Paul! Itve seen Tony Bennett."
He went, "Whoa! Ha-ha-ha!"
(LAUGHTER)
The final indignitywas when we Ieft.
He turned away and he turned back to me and he went he goes,
as an afterthought, he Iooked at me and he went,
"Itll be watching you on the TV."
And I turned to him and I went, "And Itll be watching you"t
and I poked him in the eye.
(LAUGHTER)
Hejust Ieaned forward at the Iast minute.
Whoa!
My only hope is somewhere in the world tonight hets telling that story,
and he gets to that bit and he goes,
"And then one ofthe Hairy Bikers poked me in the eye."
(LAUGHTER)
Youtve been a Iovely crowd, Hammersmith!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Thanks very much.
One more? One more?
(CHEERING)
Well, itts that time of night
where I play an Irish reel upon the mandola.
This is called Nanafs GotNo Gammon.
- (STRUMS MANDOLA) - (LAUGHTER)
(CLAPPING)
(MUSIC GRADUALLYSPEEDS UP)
(CHEERING)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Thankyou, Hammersmith!
(CHEERING, WHISTLING)
Subtitles: BTI Studios
ENGLISH SDH