1 00:00:21,205 --> 00:00:25,268 Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage 2 00:00:25,469 --> 00:00:27,640 Dylan Moran! 3 00:00:39,688 --> 00:00:44,924 Hello! Hello! Yes, yes…hello. 4 00:00:44,925 --> 00:00:48,855 Hello, it's very nice to be...and... 5 00:00:51,496 --> 00:00:54,773 You may as well be in London… while you`re being. 6 00:00:55,591 --> 00:00:57,933 Fantastic place. 7 00:00:57,934 --> 00:00:59,770 Cosmopolis. 8 00:01:00,021 --> 00:01:02,881 People from every corner of the Earth,... 9 00:01:02,882 --> 00:01:06,243 every creed, every religion, every culture 10 00:01:06,244 --> 00:01:10,042 come here to vomit in minicabs. 11 00:01:11,316 --> 00:01:13,393 Sometimes, you know, 12 00:01:13,394 --> 00:01:15,347 you might take it for granted, you see, 13 00:01:15,348 --> 00:01:18,040 you might get this notion that there's a better life for you elsewhere. 14 00:01:18,041 --> 00:01:21,220 because that's what happens to people… they get stressed out somewhere like this. 15 00:01:21,255 --> 00:01:23,288 They think: "you know we should…I don't know... 16 00:01:23,289 --> 00:01:27,820 go to the country... somewhere...'Somewhere Shire'". 17 00:01:27,821 --> 00:01:30,187 It's a very bad idea. 18 00:01:30,188 --> 00:01:32,852 I…I…I grew up in the country. You don't…you don't wanna go there. 19 00:01:32,853 --> 00:01:37,023 You've got everything here. You're not gonna realize your dreams somewhere else. 20 00:01:37,024 --> 00:01:38,436 You can do it all here. 21 00:01:38,437 --> 00:01:42,076 You could be trapped in traffic in Tufnell Park for twenty years… 22 00:01:42,077 --> 00:01:45,336 And you'll never have that experience anywhere else. 23 00:01:45,855 --> 00:01:50,068 You don't wanna go to the country, anyway. Most of you know nothing about it. 24 00:01:50,103 --> 00:01:53,323 You talk about it all the time…you read about it in the Sunday supplements. 25 00:01:53,324 --> 00:01:55,327 You're never going to go. Why would you go? 26 00:01:55,328 --> 00:01:56,659 It's a disgusting place. 27 00:01:56,660 --> 00:01:58,939 It's always wet even when it`s dry... 28 00:01:58,940 --> 00:02:02,237 There's nothing there. Farmers aren't really people. 29 00:02:02,237 --> 00:02:04,193 You know this. 30 00:02:04,699 --> 00:02:08,742 They're just necessary. We need somebody to kill cows. 31 00:02:10,113 --> 00:02:12,041 Cows are supposed to be killed. 32 00:02:12,042 --> 00:02:13,653 En masse as well. 33 00:02:13,654 --> 00:02:17,026 I have this certain very…well…limited sympathy with vegetarians…You know… 34 00:02:17,027 --> 00:02:21,925 I don't…I don't mind if you're vegetarian cause you had an accident or something years ago. 35 00:02:21,960 --> 00:02:25,487 You fell down some steps and now you can't chew properly. 36 00:02:25,487 --> 00:02:27,401 I don't mind that…but all this 37 00:02:28,346 --> 00:02:31,715 vegetarian-on-principle stuff is wrong! 38 00:02:31,716 --> 00:02:34,119 You're supposed to eat the cows. 39 00:02:34,120 --> 00:02:36,274 They're big lumbering stupid things... 40 00:02:36,275 --> 00:02:38,802 they'd be everywhere if we didn't eat them. 41 00:02:38,803 --> 00:02:42,776 In the library and everything... Nobody actually wanted them originally. 42 00:02:42,777 --> 00:02:46,848 You know, they were just mid-conversation that kept getting bumped into by these cretins... 43 00:02:47,292 --> 00:02:48,663 Couldn't take it anymore. 44 00:02:48,664 --> 00:02:51,352 "Give me a fuckin' fork I'm gonna deal with this." 45 00:02:51,690 --> 00:02:54,139 What people really want are squirrels 46 00:02:54,140 --> 00:02:55,676 but they're too quick. 47 00:02:59,434 --> 00:03:01,117 Don't go to the country. 48 00:03:01,118 --> 00:03:04,726 When is the last time you spoke to somebody from the country? 49 00:03:04,727 --> 00:03:07,182 Have you ever had a conversation with these people? - "What did you do today?" 50 00:03:07,183 --> 00:03:10,140 - "I had some soup." - "Oh for *!%*'s sake...get me outa here. 51 00:03:10,141 --> 00:03:14,005 "Please gimme a cappucino before I pass out. I need a mugger." 52 00:03:14,678 --> 00:03:17,999 "I need a healthy injection of cynicism right now." 53 00:03:18,000 --> 00:03:21,266 And of course these people are friendly. …course they are. 54 00:03:21,267 --> 00:03:24,704 They talk to you. They haven't spoken to a real person in years. 55 00:03:24,705 --> 00:03:27,874 And they bring you into the house and they dry all your clothes... 56 00:03:27,875 --> 00:03:30,281 even though you've not been in the rain or anything. 57 00:03:30,282 --> 00:03:34,995 And offer you the local thing. "You must try the local stuff." 58 00:03:34,996 --> 00:03:37,744 Don't eat it! You know why it's local? 59 00:03:37,833 --> 00:03:40,482 It's #%@@! That's why it's local. 60 00:03:40,483 --> 00:03:42,249 If you eat it, you'll turn into one of them. 61 00:03:42,250 --> 00:03:44,119 You go red, you start spouting bigotry... 62 00:03:44,120 --> 00:03:46,755 and eating tweed with lamb fat dribbling down your chin. 63 00:03:46,756 --> 00:03:48,962 Don't go near of any of that stuff. 64 00:03:50,095 --> 00:03:52,262 People say: "I'm gonna go. It'll be great." 65 00:03:52,263 --> 00:03:56,133 "We'll have a solar panel toilet…. we'll get the whole family thatched." 66 00:03:58,171 --> 00:03:59,547 Rubbish! 67 00:03:59,548 --> 00:04:03,227 And then you get these articles about how unhealthy modern life is in a city. 68 00:04:03,228 --> 00:04:06,009 You know…you get mobile phone tumours... 69 00:04:06,010 --> 00:04:07,518 far more likely in the city. 70 00:04:07,519 --> 00:04:09,951 Well you know what? So is everything else. 71 00:04:09,952 --> 00:04:12,635 Including sex, coffee and conversation. 72 00:04:19,489 --> 00:04:23,218 And the conversations are totally different as well…there. 73 00:04:23,219 --> 00:04:26,169 You're sophisticated people. You meet up every nine months... 74 00:04:26,170 --> 00:04:31,152 to have a coffee with somebody and %#%$! about your best friend who's not there. 75 00:04:31,153 --> 00:04:33,401 - "I hate them." - "I hate them more than you do." 76 00:04:33,402 --> 00:04:35,394 Here they come. - "Hi, how are ya?" 77 00:04:35,863 --> 00:04:37,520 - "Do you want a nimbacino?" 78 00:04:39,247 --> 00:04:41,794 And in the countryside... because there's nothing to do... 79 00:04:41,795 --> 00:04:43,640 Do you know what people do there? 80 00:04:43,641 --> 00:04:47,878 They…they…they go to each others' houses, they come to your house and drink tea. 81 00:04:47,879 --> 00:04:49,293 All !+$%$!# day. 82 00:04:49,293 --> 00:04:52,077 They crawl for twelve miles to come and drink tea. 83 00:04:52,078 --> 00:04:53,573 'Cause there's nothing else to do. 84 00:04:53,574 --> 00:04:57,829 And what people do then... It has its own kind of native hostility. 85 00:04:57,830 --> 00:05:01,617 You know, they bring out all the food in the house and put it in front of that person... 86 00:05:01,618 --> 00:05:03,478 and say: "There, eat that!" 87 00:05:03,479 --> 00:05:06,829 Because…because if you don't put on a good spread you'll be ill-spoken-of in the village. 88 00:05:06,830 --> 00:05:09,535 So people bring out nineteen different kinds of potatoes. 89 00:05:09,536 --> 00:05:11,837 Sheets of ham. Waves of ham. 90 00:05:11,838 --> 00:05:14,581 You take a bite out of the middle, you save yourself the price of a poncho. 91 00:05:14,582 --> 00:05:17,687 They put it in front of that person and they say: "Fuckin' eat that!" 92 00:05:17,688 --> 00:05:19,751 And they stay there all day. 93 00:05:19,752 --> 00:05:21,914 Eat everything you have. Drink everything you have. 94 00:05:21,915 --> 00:05:23,929 And they never know when to go. 95 00:05:23,930 --> 00:05:27,435 You know? They're not sophisticated. They sit there. You're there…one o`clock in the morning... 96 00:05:27,436 --> 00:05:30,992 with the grandfather clock between your pyjama'd knees... 97 00:05:30,993 --> 00:05:34,291 staring at the motherfuckers saying: "Please, go home!" 98 00:05:34,877 --> 00:05:37,393 And you end up saying terrible things: 99 00:05:37,394 --> 00:05:39,647 "Look, we drank everything in the house..." 100 00:05:39,648 --> 00:05:41,574 "I don't think that minicab is coming..." 101 00:05:41,575 --> 00:05:44,999 "I know we had eight or nine bottles of wine and half a bottle of whisky..." 102 00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:48,076 "but I think you should drive. I do." 103 00:05:48,446 --> 00:05:51,414 "I will personally sellotape your hands to the wheel." 104 00:05:51,415 --> 00:05:54,907 "Get in the !+$%$!# car. Go away from here please." 105 00:05:56,081 --> 00:06:00,966 And then, you know, there's the…there's the extreme version of that idea of escape. 106 00:06:00,967 --> 00:06:04,289 People think they'll emigrate, that's it. Their…their…their new life will be somewhere else. 107 00:06:04,290 --> 00:06:06,828 "Much better than here. I can't take it anymore." 108 00:06:06,829 --> 00:06:10,011 Where would you go? People... people fling themselves all over the planet. 109 00:06:10,012 --> 00:06:13,964 People end up in Australia. Why would anybody want to go there? 110 00:06:14,845 --> 00:06:17,032 What is the point of that country? 111 00:06:17,033 --> 00:06:20,930 I was…I usually never leave the house but, we all went to Australiarecently. 112 00:06:22,244 --> 00:06:25,457 The whole family. It was a ridiculous place. 113 00:06:25,458 --> 00:06:28,782 Located three quarters of a mile from the surface of the sun. 114 00:06:30,037 --> 00:06:33,641 People audibly crackling as they walk pass you on the street. 115 00:06:34,765 --> 00:06:37,927 That's why they all barbecue. You don't need to cook somewhere like that. 116 00:06:37,928 --> 00:06:40,452 You just bring the #%@@ out, fling it on a grill, 117 00:06:40,452 --> 00:06:42,584 and it bursts into flames. 118 00:06:43,222 --> 00:06:47,184 It's not supposed to be inhabited. And when they're not doing that, frying themselves outside,... 119 00:06:47,185 --> 00:06:49,279 they all fling themselves into the sea. 120 00:06:49,280 --> 00:06:52,664 Which is inhabited almost exclusively by things designed to kill you. 121 00:06:52,665 --> 00:06:55,692 Sharks, jelly-fish, swimming knives. They're all in there. 122 00:07:00,619 --> 00:07:05,126 And then, you know, there's the…where else... There's the…this is the new world…. 123 00:07:05,127 --> 00:07:07,478 You know, and the other part of the new world is…is America. 124 00:07:07,478 --> 00:07:09,662 And people think: "That's got a lot of promise." 125 00:07:09,662 --> 00:07:11,068 Still... 126 00:07:11,069 --> 00:07:15,874 Even though, we're all a bit funny about Americans now….a bit. 127 00:07:16,042 --> 00:07:21,713 I think the reason that happened… all that bad feeling about America... 128 00:07:21,714 --> 00:07:24,978 is apart from everything that they've done… 129 00:07:27,695 --> 00:07:30,721 It's because American stupid people sound... 130 00:07:30,721 --> 00:07:33,482 stupider than every other kind of stupid person. 131 00:07:34,375 --> 00:07:36,929 Some people are just thick but you put up with them. 132 00:07:36,930 --> 00:07:38,844 But Americans are annoying when they're thick. 133 00:07:38,845 --> 00:07:43,065 Because they say: (accent) "Well, you know, I was ..." They're talking about one of those terrible... 134 00:07:43,066 --> 00:07:45,146 incidents that happen every other day in America. They say: 135 00:07:45,147 --> 00:07:47,822 (accent) "Well, you know, I was there and the guy came in,..." 136 00:07:47,823 --> 00:07:50,006 "and he had…like…a gun, you know,..." 137 00:07:50,007 --> 00:07:54,321 "and he was…like…shooting, and everybody else was totally dead." 138 00:07:54,428 --> 00:07:58,747 It sounds a little divorced from reality somehow. 139 00:08:02,461 --> 00:08:05,835 So I think that's why there's ill feeling about the place sometimes. 140 00:08:05,836 --> 00:08:07,857 Because of everything the administration has done. 141 00:08:07,858 --> 00:08:10,348 You know, it's like the really bad flatmate of the world. 142 00:08:10,349 --> 00:08:14,212 (accent) "Oh, sorry. Did I break all your #%@@? I didn't know it was yours." 143 00:08:17,778 --> 00:08:20,290 "Yeah, I'll replace it some time..." 144 00:08:21,200 --> 00:08:23,221 "um...with my stuff." And... 145 00:08:23,871 --> 00:08:26,223 because it's the only remaining empire. 146 00:08:26,224 --> 00:08:28,480 Of course, you had an empire once. 147 00:08:28,481 --> 00:08:30,896 Britain had a great empire. 148 00:08:30,897 --> 00:08:35,934 And impressively commandeered and sequestered from the rest of the world 149 00:08:35,935 --> 00:08:38,381 …with great style. You just marched in and said: 150 00:08:38,382 --> 00:08:41,632 "You, you and you, *!%* off! We're having tiffin." 151 00:08:44,277 --> 00:08:47,183 And everybody sort of went: "Oh, right, I'll gonna be off now. That's fine." 152 00:08:48,234 --> 00:08:51,411 And it took centuries for people to go: "Hang on a minute..." 153 00:08:51,612 --> 00:08:53,367 "We live here." 154 00:08:54,770 --> 00:08:58,484 The American style is totally different. Far more insidious. 155 00:08:58,725 --> 00:09:03,286 This empire is run on a totally different basis. What Americadoes...is it has a nosy in some place… 156 00:09:03,287 --> 00:09:05,569 some war-torn, $%%%!$ up place... 157 00:09:05,570 --> 00:09:08,691 and it looks for oil or chocolate or whatever it wants. 158 00:09:08,845 --> 00:09:12,030 And all the indigenous people obviously get pissed off. 159 00:09:12,031 --> 00:09:14,746 And they begin to meet. They begin to foment. 160 00:09:14,747 --> 00:09:16,299 They ring each other up and say: 161 00:09:16,300 --> 00:09:18,172 (accent) "You, Habuwa, let's meet and foment... 162 00:09:18,173 --> 00:09:22,548 at six o'clock." In the local bombed-out cafe, they gather round and they say: 163 00:09:22,548 --> 00:09:26,550 (accent) "What are we go..." I'm doing a pan global accent, OK? 164 00:09:26,551 --> 00:09:29,560 It saves time. because America gets around a lot of places. 165 00:09:30,474 --> 00:09:32,752 "What're we..." And this represents poverty. 166 00:09:34,327 --> 00:09:38,014 "Hey listen…" 167 00:09:39,027 --> 00:09:41,008 "Hey! Haguga, listen,..." 168 00:09:41,009 --> 00:09:45,688 "What're we gonna do 'bout the !+$%$!# imperialistic Yankee big dog, huh? What're we gonna do?" 169 00:09:45,723 --> 00:09:49,225 "They come in here…they fuckin'…they look around, they take our stuff. What're we gonna...?" 170 00:09:49,226 --> 00:09:53,070 "I'm talkin' to you! Put down the beans! Listen, what're we gonna do?" 171 00:09:55,551 --> 00:09:59,199 It's kind of...Al Pacino from China via Brooklyn. But the em,... 172 00:10:02,347 --> 00:10:05,191 And what the Americadoes... while these people are talking,... 173 00:10:05,928 --> 00:10:08,428 they very, very gradually build a 174 00:10:08,428 --> 00:10:11,198 Starbucks around them. 175 00:10:11,566 --> 00:10:16,908 They all become addicted to latte and they lose the will to rebel. 176 00:10:18,351 --> 00:10:20,754 And then they turn into Americans… 177 00:10:22,277 --> 00:10:24,658 after a couple of weeks…the kind of people who come up to me and say: 178 00:10:24,659 --> 00:10:26,842 (accent) "Hi, I'm Irish." 179 00:10:28,224 --> 00:10:31,536 "My grandmother was O'Flaherty. Did you know 'er?" 180 00:10:32,144 --> 00:10:35,173 I always say: "Yes, yes, I did..." 181 00:10:35,174 --> 00:10:37,933 "But then again everybody did." 182 00:10:39,191 --> 00:10:42,669 But that's a particular kind of American obviously. 183 00:10:42,670 --> 00:10:44,624 The kind of Americans you see in Europe... 184 00:10:44,625 --> 00:10:49,128 who often, for some reason, seem to be very generously proportioned. 185 00:10:51,017 --> 00:10:53,792 And the...you see them in museums blocking up the exhibits going: 186 00:10:53,793 --> 00:10:57,647 "What is this? Can we eat it? Where are we? Can we ….." 187 00:10:57,854 --> 00:11:03,716 And yet when you go to Americayou see that it's a very, very...because it's so competitive and everything. 188 00:11:03,717 --> 00:11:06,622 People are ultrafashionable and very thin, really. 189 00:11:06,622 --> 00:11:08,825 I think the Americans you see in Europe are all the ones... 190 00:11:08,826 --> 00:11:10,311 who stay in their apartments, 191 00:11:10,311 --> 00:11:13,595 get food piped in and then they're just shipped out to Europe. 192 00:11:13,596 --> 00:11:16,490 But the ones over there... You see these amazing looking people. 193 00:11:16,491 --> 00:11:17,928 They don't look real at all. 194 00:11:17,963 --> 00:11:19,813 These incredibly exiguous women. 195 00:11:19,814 --> 00:11:23,964 You know, those people who look like they can't support the weight of their own teeth and their head. 196 00:11:26,468 --> 00:11:28,787 Stalking in and out of fashionable restaurants. 197 00:11:28,788 --> 00:11:32,654 I don't know what they do in there. Maybe they just rub pesto on their legs or something and... 198 00:11:34,122 --> 00:11:37,262 You know, they look like they weigh as much as a photograph of themselves and…and... 199 00:11:39,013 --> 00:11:40,732 Very fashion conscious. 200 00:11:40,733 --> 00:11:44,130 But people have this idea that it's… that it's still the promised land. 201 00:11:44,131 --> 00:11:48,390 You know, somewhere like California where everything is fruitful and abundant. 202 00:11:48,591 --> 00:11:50,073 But... 203 00:11:50,073 --> 00:11:56,796 Arnold Schwarzenegger... is the Governor of California. 204 00:11:57,100 --> 00:12:00,620 There's a perfectly ordinary English sentence. 205 00:12:02,532 --> 00:12:04,834 How did that happen!? 206 00:12:05,481 --> 00:12:08,304 Do you know how that happened? 'cause I'll tell you. 207 00:12:08,305 --> 00:12:11,039 You know how he got into that position? 208 00:12:11,040 --> 00:12:12,895 He got there... 209 00:12:12,895 --> 00:12:15,608 by lifting things. 210 00:12:20,197 --> 00:12:23,384 Now you and me, we avoid lifting things. 211 00:12:23,385 --> 00:12:25,624 It's unpleasant. 212 00:12:25,965 --> 00:12:28,241 Especially heavy things. 213 00:12:28,242 --> 00:12:31,372 Even a five-year-old child knows this. They go: 214 00:12:31,373 --> 00:12:37,514 "Huh? No…hahaha…fuckit… no. I gonna put a Lego up my arse. I'm not doing that. No…no." 215 00:12:37,596 --> 00:12:39,569 He took a different approach. 216 00:12:39,570 --> 00:12:43,135 He lifted the heavy...and you know, you lift something when you have to. 217 00:12:43,136 --> 00:12:47,118 Piano falls on granny... you lift the piano. 218 00:12:47,118 --> 00:12:51,104 'cause granny has mixed feelings about the whole situation. 219 00:12:51,601 --> 00:12:53,865 Sunday lunch continues. 220 00:12:54,718 --> 00:12:56,435 He didn't do any of that! 221 00:12:56,436 --> 00:12:59,303 He went right over to the heavy thing and lifted it... 222 00:12:59,304 --> 00:13:02,520 and put it back down and didn't move it anywhere. 223 00:13:02,521 --> 00:13:06,033 And then he lifted it again… hundreds of times. 224 00:13:06,034 --> 00:13:11,062 And said to the people who had stopped to observe this aberrant behaviour. 225 00:13:11,823 --> 00:13:13,730 "Look how good I am... " 226 00:13:13,731 --> 00:13:16,337 "at lifting the heavy thing..." 227 00:13:16,868 --> 00:13:19,050 "in my underpants." 228 00:13:19,750 --> 00:13:23,634 Now that…sounds a little dim. 229 00:13:24,935 --> 00:13:27,311 But it was they who said: 230 00:13:27,312 --> 00:13:29,169 "You're the man." 231 00:13:29,616 --> 00:13:35,710 "You're the one we want to deal with immigration and water rates and taxes and all that kind of #%@@." 232 00:13:36,443 --> 00:13:38,067 Now, wait... 233 00:13:40,557 --> 00:13:45,096 what we need to know is how bad was his predecessor at that job? 234 00:13:45,369 --> 00:13:50,010 You know, this must have been someone who came to work covered in children's blood every morning. 235 00:13:54,004 --> 00:13:58,922 He drives one of these vehicles, you know, these things they're called Hummers. 236 00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:03,067 You know? It's like a big four-wheel-drive thing. 237 00:14:03,500 --> 00:14:04,655 Huge. 238 00:14:04,656 --> 00:14:07,807 How small does you *$*! have to be? 239 00:14:08,440 --> 00:14:10,824 To make you walk into a car show-room and say: 240 00:14:10,824 --> 00:14:13,772 "Listen, I need something in the size of a school..." 241 00:14:13,773 --> 00:14:15,968 "... so people know I'm around." 242 00:14:15,969 --> 00:14:18,877 As if driving wasn't already aggressive enough. 243 00:14:18,878 --> 00:14:21,844 You see people behind the wheels and these things. They change,... 244 00:14:21,845 --> 00:14:24,658 you know, in those big built-up vehicles. You have them here in London, you know. 245 00:14:24,658 --> 00:14:26,146 Because it's difficult obviously…the 246 00:14:26,146 --> 00:14:30,604 coffee's on one side of the street, you have to get your newspaper from the other. It's tough, I know. 247 00:14:32,257 --> 00:14:34,438 People change, they get behind the wheel of those things. 248 00:14:34,439 --> 00:14:39,069 They lose the ability to distinguish between an empty packet of crisps and your children. 249 00:14:41,383 --> 00:14:44,316 Driving is incredibly aggressive. I started to learn recently. 250 00:14:44,317 --> 00:14:48,466 I don't know…I don't know how to drive and it's fairly pathetic, you know, 'cause I'm…I'm thirty…nearly thirty-five. 251 00:14:48,467 --> 00:14:49,556 It's ridiculous. 252 00:14:49,557 --> 00:14:52,479 And then I started getting nervous 'cause I can't swim either and I thought, 253 00:14:52,480 --> 00:14:55,538 "What if I crash into a lake? I am $%%%!$!" 254 00:14:56,117 --> 00:15:01,054 You learn very, very quickly that it is mostly about swearing actually. 255 00:15:01,055 --> 00:15:04,033 That's all you're doing... swearing in a box with wheels. 256 00:15:04,700 --> 00:15:08,550 'cause you don't swear like that with any other activity in your day. 257 00:15:08,551 --> 00:15:11,883 You don't allow yourself. It's ok when you're driving for some reason. 258 00:15:11,884 --> 00:15:14,402 If somebody blocks you when you're a walking 259 00:15:14,403 --> 00:15:17,381 You're positively Edwardian in your manners. 260 00:15:17,382 --> 00:15:20,078 You do this sheepish little smile together. 261 00:15:20,079 --> 00:15:22,947 And you step aside. And you both do it at the same time. And you go: 262 00:15:22,947 --> 00:15:24,967 (accent) "Oh, for goodness's sake, what to-do?" 263 00:15:27,832 --> 00:15:29,250 "Hohoho, dear me!" 264 00:15:29,901 --> 00:15:33,411 "I'll just...er…I'll just...oh, we did it again! Do you believe it. I can't believe it..." 265 00:15:33,412 --> 00:15:35,521 "We should be on the stage..." 266 00:15:36,007 --> 00:15:40,206 "One more time…I'll just... Oh, how did we ever get this far as species?" 267 00:15:41,532 --> 00:15:43,623 But for some reason... 268 00:15:44,447 --> 00:15:49,013 in a car that becomes: "You spoke buggered!" 269 00:15:50,845 --> 00:15:54,433 From, you know, an eighty-nine year-old church warden. 270 00:15:55,833 --> 00:15:58,208 (coughs) Excuse me, I have a... 271 00:15:58,209 --> 00:16:01,661 something…it'll clear up. It might take me with it but, you know, we'll see... 272 00:16:03,067 --> 00:16:06,306 And all this aggression is terrible actually. You see that everywhere. 273 00:16:06,659 --> 00:16:09,823 People have…you know…you think you're mad at the other motorist in that case. 274 00:16:09,824 --> 00:16:11,508 Probably something else. 275 00:16:11,509 --> 00:16:16,144 You know…it's probably something in your own past that you're probably...I don't know... mad at your mother or something. 276 00:16:16,702 --> 00:16:20,884 That's why you find yourself as a forty-five year old person on the street shouting. 277 00:16:20,885 --> 00:16:24,540 There must be a story behind all those people you see mumbling on the street, 278 00:16:24,540 --> 00:16:27,653 having those intense conversations that look really, really significant 279 00:16:27,653 --> 00:16:30,029 except nobody else is there...and... 280 00:16:30,988 --> 00:16:33,371 You know, you're probably mad at something... I don't... 281 00:16:33,372 --> 00:16:35,056 Because everybody remembers: 282 00:16:35,057 --> 00:16:37,611 you'd be alone in the kitchen and... 283 00:16:37,612 --> 00:16:39,885 twilight would be dwindling and you could hear... 284 00:16:39,886 --> 00:16:43,362 the far-off cries of the other children playing nearby... 285 00:16:43,363 --> 00:16:47,721 and you know…you'd be alone in a kitchen 'cause it was your special treat time... 286 00:16:47,722 --> 00:16:50,790 when the…the jelly would come out just for you... 287 00:16:50,791 --> 00:16:55,005 and your mother would appear at your side… just this vision of Laura Ashley print dress... 288 00:16:55,006 --> 00:16:57,962 smelling of magnolias and biscuits...and... 289 00:16:59,223 --> 00:17:03,367 put the jelly in front of you… and…and…and you would pull your chair in... 290 00:17:03,368 --> 00:17:06,218 and then the old-fashioned bar of ice-cream would come down, 291 00:17:06,219 --> 00:17:08,606 the one that had to be cut with a bread knife 292 00:17:08,607 --> 00:17:11,632 before the two sides were flanked with wafers... 293 00:17:11,933 --> 00:17:16,166 and you would lift your little spoon up excitedly to press it in... 294 00:17:16,167 --> 00:17:20,959 and winkle out that first divot of black jelly and...and 295 00:17:21,356 --> 00:17:24,610 and then the cage would come down! 296 00:17:29,202 --> 00:17:33,230 The cage with the Japanese fighting spiders inside. 297 00:17:34,565 --> 00:17:37,260 She would strike a match off her forearm... 298 00:17:37,261 --> 00:17:41,119 and go and tell you to dance in the front room for money. 299 00:17:41,713 --> 00:17:44,967 And you never forget that #%@@. You know, it never goes away. 300 00:17:51,059 --> 00:17:56,170 But...this idea of the good life being elsewhere does possess people. 301 00:17:56,171 --> 00:17:58,862 And I suppose a lot of people now... because Europe is freed up and everything... 302 00:17:58,863 --> 00:18:00,764 people move within Germany... a lot of... 303 00:18:00,765 --> 00:18:04,398 within Europe rather... I mean I said Germanybut I meant Europe. 304 00:18:06,128 --> 00:18:08,970 I don't know why I said Germanybut loads of people did go to Germanyactually, 305 00:18:08,971 --> 00:18:11,003 recently for the World Cup. 306 00:18:11,004 --> 00:18:14,444 A lot of English people went over to make uninformed prejudicial remarks... 307 00:18:14,445 --> 00:18:17,732 about German people and Germany. 308 00:18:18,087 --> 00:18:20,385 Totally ignorant and bigoted. 309 00:18:21,126 --> 00:18:25,174 Know nothing about it... but they feel free to insult it. 310 00:18:26,125 --> 00:18:28,498 Because they're English and they're bigoted... 311 00:18:28,499 --> 00:18:31,124 and…because Germanyis a toilet. 312 00:18:31,626 --> 00:18:33,851 A truly dreadful place. 313 00:18:35,418 --> 00:18:39,328 Nobody ever has any reason to go there. It is…it is a totally dreadful place. 314 00:18:39,329 --> 00:18:40,755 And that's just the way it is... 315 00:18:40,756 --> 00:18:43,218 because if you're talking to a, you know, a modern... 316 00:18:43,218 --> 00:18:47,583 I went there. On the same weekend I went to Australiaand California and it's a... 317 00:18:49,194 --> 00:18:54,328 you see, the thing is you're talking to a modern, nice, affable, German person... 318 00:18:54,329 --> 00:18:56,433 and they're saying to you something like: 319 00:18:56,434 --> 00:18:59,236 (accent) "You know, well, it's a critical time right now for Germany within Europe,..." 320 00:18:59,237 --> 00:19:01,897 "also globally…economically we're pretty good. We have been better." 321 00:19:01,898 --> 00:19:04,887 "But we're very vibrant in the theatre and arts and so on…" 322 00:19:04,888 --> 00:19:06,774 All the time you're listening to this, you're thinking: 323 00:19:06,848 --> 00:19:10,101 "Hmmm…hmmm…yeah, yeah, hmmm, hmmm... Hitler…Hitler…Hitler…Hitler..." 324 00:19:12,821 --> 00:19:19,586 "and the Hitler when you did the Hitler thing with Hitler. ..Hitler…Hitler…Hitler..." 325 00:19:19,644 --> 00:19:22,692 And the people look like pork. You can't get away from that. They do. 326 00:19:22,693 --> 00:19:25,626 They look like pork scratchings on a towel. 327 00:19:25,636 --> 00:19:28,273 And you can't eat the food because you would have to complain about it... 328 00:19:28,274 --> 00:19:30,328 and that would mean speaking German. It's a disgusting language. 329 00:19:30,328 --> 00:19:31,654 Nobody should ever speak it. 330 00:19:31,655 --> 00:19:34,367 Even Hitler was vegetarian. That's how bad the food is. 331 00:19:34,526 --> 00:19:37,171 And you couldn't speak German 'cause it's a horrible sound. 332 00:19:37,172 --> 00:19:40,411 It sounds like typewriters eating tinfoil being kicked down a stairs. 333 00:19:40,731 --> 00:19:44,033 Somebody is talking to you in German, they're saying: (accent) "Haken die haken…(etc)" 334 00:19:44,774 --> 00:19:47,305 You think: "What is happening to you from behind? " 335 00:19:47,306 --> 00:19:49,818 "How can we make it stop? Please, go away." 336 00:19:51,570 --> 00:19:53,230 Now, that's not... 337 00:19:55,153 --> 00:19:57,388 prejudice, that's just observation. And the... 338 00:20:00,139 --> 00:20:03,769 thing is English people are very bigoted, though, I find. 339 00:20:03,770 --> 00:20:07,417 I say that as a neutral Irish person. You know, Irelandwasn't involved in the war at all. 340 00:20:07,418 --> 00:20:09,079 Ireland's reaction in the war was to go: 341 00:20:09,080 --> 00:20:11,542 "What? There's a what on? Sorry, what? I'm not dressed." 342 00:20:11,543 --> 00:20:13,118 "What is it? What? 343 00:20:13,119 --> 00:20:15,349 "you want to what? You need...you need a...what?" 344 00:20:15,350 --> 00:20:17,903 "What is...? War? It's all over, is it? Or will...good...yeah." 345 00:20:17,904 --> 00:20:19,358 "What do you want?" 346 00:20:19,869 --> 00:20:21,676 Not very useful. 347 00:20:23,692 --> 00:20:26,434 But English people are quite prejudiced, I think. 348 00:20:26,435 --> 00:20:30,971 Because I've noticed this recently. 'cause I have lots of English friends who are very dear to me and... 349 00:20:31,163 --> 00:20:34,030 I realized recently... when you're talking to an English person... 350 00:20:34,031 --> 00:20:37,441 and you're from elsewhere, they share with you. They do a lovely thing... 351 00:20:37,442 --> 00:20:41,116 when they're talking to you. They…they impersonate you as they're talking to you. 352 00:20:42,767 --> 00:20:45,507 Somebody says to me: (accent) "Do you want another drink then?" 353 00:20:45,642 --> 00:20:49,651 You know, in that English voice that suggests they're just about to die at any moment. 354 00:20:49,652 --> 00:20:51,206 - "Do you want another drink?" 355 00:20:51,207 --> 00:20:54,384 - "I would. I'd love another drink. That'd be great. That'd be grand. Thank you." 356 00:20:54,385 --> 00:20:59,060 They do you. They go: - (accent) "I would, yeah, That'd be great. That'd be grand. That'd be lovely." 357 00:20:59,061 --> 00:21:01,065 - "What the *!%* are you doing?!" 358 00:21:01,066 --> 00:21:04,086 - (accent) "Nothing. It's just funny 'cause you're Irish and that, you know..." 359 00:21:04,087 --> 00:21:06,496 'cause that's still how Irish people are seen. 360 00:21:06,497 --> 00:21:09,239 As twinkly-eyed fuckers with a pig under their arm... 361 00:21:09,240 --> 00:21:11,666 high stepping around the world going: 362 00:21:11,667 --> 00:21:15,392 "Ill paint your house now but watch out, I might steal the ladder, hohohoho." 363 00:21:18,111 --> 00:21:20,642 Which is only half true! 364 00:21:25,789 --> 00:21:29,284 The thing is though that Irish people are just far more emotional. 365 00:21:29,285 --> 00:21:31,540 We include emotion in our culture. 366 00:21:31,541 --> 00:21:33,019 If you're talking to an English person... 367 00:21:33,020 --> 00:21:35,756 you don't know if they've recently died or just got married. 368 00:21:36,677 --> 00:21:39,123 'cause of that English smile... (accent) "Hello, hello." 369 00:21:39,188 --> 00:21:41,337 Looks like you've a rotten oyster under your tongue. 370 00:21:41,338 --> 00:21:45,169 "Hello. Good morning. Don't touch me. Stay away. How are you...? Hello." And... 371 00:21:45,255 --> 00:21:47,809 Either that or when emotion does appear it's violent. 372 00:21:47,810 --> 00:21:52,322 They come and play football with you and rip the #%@@ out of the stadium and eat the chairs. 373 00:21:53,613 --> 00:21:55,881 Whereas in Irel...somewhere like Ireland... 374 00:21:55,916 --> 00:21:59,310 it's more hot-blooded. There's drama included in the fabric of every day. 375 00:21:59,311 --> 00:22:00,810 Every...it's there every moment. 376 00:22:00,811 --> 00:22:03,181 People wake going: "Oh god!..." 377 00:22:03,182 --> 00:22:05,443 "What time is it?" "It's six minutes to nine." "Is it?" 378 00:22:05,444 --> 00:22:09,131 "I thought it was only seven minutes to. We're all $%%%!$!" 379 00:22:09,132 --> 00:22:12,633 "What's the weather like? Don't tell me! I can't bear to hear. I'll look myself..." 380 00:22:12,634 --> 00:22:14,834 "Aaagh! It's fierce - mild!" 381 00:22:16,624 --> 00:22:19,090 "What are we having for breakfast? Are you gonna do that thing again..." 382 00:22:19,091 --> 00:22:21,830 "with the bread when you put it in the box and burn it?" 383 00:22:23,696 --> 00:22:26,148 "Whose trousers are these? Come on, we'll both try them at once..." 384 00:22:26,149 --> 00:22:28,684 "and see who wins." It's just... 385 00:22:30,677 --> 00:22:33,150 much more emotional at all times. 386 00:22:33,347 --> 00:22:35,216 For no real reason. 387 00:22:38,128 --> 00:22:41,825 And I think sometimes I'd love to be like you. 388 00:22:42,334 --> 00:22:44,905 Cool and calm and unemotional. 389 00:22:44,906 --> 00:22:46,900 Protestant, in short. 390 00:22:47,836 --> 00:22:51,419 What a...it's a fantastic religion. 391 00:22:51,420 --> 00:22:53,508 It makes absolutely no demands upon you at all. 392 00:22:53,509 --> 00:22:55,360 Which is why it's not a great religion. 393 00:22:55,361 --> 00:22:58,425 All great religions are built on shame. 394 00:22:58,574 --> 00:23:00,862 You don't have any of that if you're protestant. 395 00:23:00,863 --> 00:23:02,632 You go to the church, you sing a few hymns,... 396 00:23:02,633 --> 00:23:05,897 have a cup of tea, everybody goes home and has a wank. 397 00:23:08,105 --> 00:23:09,426 You see… 398 00:23:11,993 --> 00:23:14,337 You have the freedom of mind... 399 00:23:14,338 --> 00:23:18,694 to walk into a room and see a plate of biscuits, say. 400 00:23:18,695 --> 00:23:20,087 And you look at them and you think: 401 00:23:20,088 --> 00:23:22,442 "Well, there's a plate of biscuits, I might have a biscuit, I might not,..." 402 00:23:22,443 --> 00:23:26,115 "I might have one later. I might put it in my pocket and give it to somebody else." 403 00:23:26,116 --> 00:23:29,117 "I don't really mind. It's just a biccie." 404 00:23:29,118 --> 00:23:31,338 It's not like that if you're catholic. 405 00:23:31,339 --> 00:23:34,712 You walk in the room, you see the plate of biscuits, there could be other things going on in the room. 406 00:23:34,713 --> 00:23:36,392 The room could be on fire, 407 00:23:36,393 --> 00:23:39,364 it could be full of naked clowns killing each other with crossbows. 408 00:23:39,365 --> 00:23:42,583 This doesn't matter to you because all you see is the plate of biscuits. 409 00:23:42,584 --> 00:23:45,070 'cause you think: "Oh no, I'm gonna eat them. I know I am." 410 00:23:45,105 --> 00:23:47,362 "I'm gonna eat them. I'm gonna eat them all. Oh no, I know I am." 411 00:23:47,362 --> 00:23:51,431 "I'm even walking towards them. I wasn't aware of that but I am now." 412 00:23:51,431 --> 00:23:54,690 "I've actually started to eat the biscuits. Help me! Help me!" 413 00:23:54,691 --> 00:23:57,773 "Oh they're delicious. Oh the shame! The shame! The shame!" 414 00:23:57,774 --> 00:24:00,186 "Oh I can't tell which is nicer." 415 00:24:00,187 --> 00:24:02,534 "The biscuits or the shame!" 416 00:24:03,238 --> 00:24:05,791 "It's a child's biscuit. That's perfect!" 417 00:24:05,792 --> 00:24:08,715 "I don't deserve a grown-up one with dark chocolate on it." 418 00:24:08,716 --> 00:24:10,798 "Oh, they're so nice. Now, they're all gone." 419 00:24:10,799 --> 00:24:14,269 "The shame! The shame! That's all I've got left." 420 00:24:14,304 --> 00:24:17,137 "Nothing can make me feel better now..." 421 00:24:17,138 --> 00:24:19,281 "except cocaine." 422 00:24:23,086 --> 00:24:25,314 On and on and on. 423 00:24:25,849 --> 00:24:30,461 And yet, people still turn to Jesus. 424 00:24:34,122 --> 00:24:37,617 You will notice though that the kind of people... 425 00:24:37,618 --> 00:24:39,794 who turn to Jesus... 426 00:24:39,795 --> 00:24:44,457 tend to be the sort of people who haven't done that well with everybody else. 427 00:24:47,080 --> 00:24:50,035 Like the people who are here, for instance. 428 00:24:51,924 --> 00:24:53,642 They say to themselves: 429 00:24:53,643 --> 00:24:57,792 "Well, I can't get it right in this lifetime but in the next life it'll be right." 430 00:24:57,793 --> 00:25:01,626 In the spiritual afterlife. Which makes no sense at all…really. 431 00:25:01,627 --> 00:25:04,318 It's your choice of course if you want to believe all this... 432 00:25:04,319 --> 00:25:06,247 but why would you want a spiritual afterlife? 433 00:25:06,248 --> 00:25:08,994 Surely you should sort the spirit out now while you're here. 434 00:25:08,995 --> 00:25:12,740 This spirit is what is challenged, the spirit is what suffers all the knocks. 435 00:25:12,741 --> 00:25:14,662 The spirit is the thing you've got to master. 436 00:25:14,663 --> 00:25:18,604 If you are going to have an afterlife why not just have a physical afterlife? 437 00:25:18,605 --> 00:25:20,905 Just come back as a tentacle and a set of lips... 438 00:25:20,905 --> 00:25:23,154 looking for huge lumps of chocolate to *!%*? 439 00:25:23,155 --> 00:25:25,415 It'd been much more... 440 00:25:25,757 --> 00:25:27,415 you know, reasonable. 441 00:25:29,370 --> 00:25:32,410 'cause the fact is, you prop yourself up with your compulsions all the time. 442 00:25:32,411 --> 00:25:35,453 I'm…I'm quite a compulsive person. I only worked this out recently. 443 00:25:35,454 --> 00:25:37,683 I'm compulsive but I'm also very indecisive. 444 00:25:37,684 --> 00:25:40,701 I don't know what I want but I know that I want it now...and... 445 00:25:41,426 --> 00:25:44,403 I thought for ages, you know, everybody was like this. 446 00:25:44,404 --> 00:25:46,422 I thought everybody woke up a couple of mornings a week... 447 00:25:46,422 --> 00:25:49,557 in the shower with Marmite-clotted handcuffs... 448 00:25:49,557 --> 00:25:51,030 but apparently not. 449 00:25:54,827 --> 00:25:57,308 You know, there are sensible choices obviously. 450 00:25:57,309 --> 00:25:59,687 I don't take loads of drugs... 451 00:25:59,687 --> 00:26:01,492 'cause it's tedious. 452 00:26:02,089 --> 00:26:04,507 Everything becomes too routine. 453 00:26:04,781 --> 00:26:08,477 You take the drugs, you stay there for nine hours going: "nnnnnn" 454 00:26:09,282 --> 00:26:12,115 Then you run out of "nnnnnnn" and you have to go and buy more. 455 00:26:12,116 --> 00:26:15,077 It's just this endless cycle of repetition. I don't get it. 456 00:26:18,247 --> 00:26:23,762 And..um…you know, you can't...you can't… you can get addicted to all sorts of things… 457 00:26:23,763 --> 00:26:25,569 …except fruit. 458 00:26:27,668 --> 00:26:31,337 But Jesus isn't a very good role model for children, I don't think. 459 00:26:31,338 --> 00:26:34,257 You know, they'd be far better of with somebody who's less whiny. 460 00:26:34,258 --> 00:26:36,261 He did complain an awful lot, Jesus. 461 00:26:36,262 --> 00:26:39,205 - "Oh, nails! Oh, vinegar!" - "You're the messiah, get on with it." 462 00:26:39,205 --> 00:26:40,720 "Would you stop?" 463 00:26:41,396 --> 00:26:44,639 Batman is a far more useful role-model for children. 464 00:26:44,640 --> 00:26:47,535 He was orphaned as well…he didn't moan about it. 465 00:26:47,536 --> 00:26:49,924 He went to Tibet and did press-ups and things... 466 00:26:49,925 --> 00:26:52,358 with bunsen burners and came back and put on the ears and... 467 00:26:52,393 --> 00:26:54,173 got up on the roof ready for anything... 468 00:26:54,174 --> 00:26:56,599 dealing with his own personal issues. 469 00:26:57,676 --> 00:26:59,243 Jesus moaned all the time. 470 00:26:59,244 --> 00:27:01,880 You'll see this in the pictures, pointing outside of the picture. 471 00:27:01,881 --> 00:27:03,828 In all the catholic iconography, pointing: 472 00:27:03,829 --> 00:27:07,457 "I want that one. What's he got? He's got cream on these. I want that. What is that?" 473 00:27:07,492 --> 00:27:10,351 Or blaming people: "It was him. He hurt my feelings." 474 00:27:13,035 --> 00:27:20,906 But...anyway... Now…I meant to talk about something else earlier on and I forgot what it was. 475 00:27:20,907 --> 00:27:23,564 I've remembered what it is again but I've also forgotten. 476 00:27:23,565 --> 00:27:27,249 And that's really what adulthood is like most of the time. 477 00:27:27,959 --> 00:27:30,644 You know you spend a lot of time walking back to the room... 478 00:27:30,645 --> 00:27:34,431 to get the thing that you left the room so that you would go and use it somewhere else and... 479 00:27:34,432 --> 00:27:38,170 you're on your way back to the room to get the thing. You forget... 480 00:27:38,171 --> 00:27:41,175 not only what it is but what room it was in and... 481 00:27:41,799 --> 00:27:44,124 you're faced with the people who love you looking at you going: 482 00:27:44,125 --> 00:27:46,260 - "What do you want? Why are you here?" And you go: - "I don't know." 483 00:27:46,261 --> 00:27:48,664 You spend an awful lot of time like that. 484 00:27:48,665 --> 00:27:50,382 And children aren't like that,... 485 00:27:50,383 --> 00:27:52,164 which is why they look so young. 486 00:27:52,165 --> 00:27:54,837 Because they always have a sense of style and purpose. 487 00:27:54,838 --> 00:27:57,279 When they're walking around they have a very definite purpose. 488 00:27:57,280 --> 00:27:59,461 They're walking, walking and it's a great walk as well. 489 00:27:59,462 --> 00:28:01,959 It's not an adult sort of bemused shuffle. 490 00:28:01,960 --> 00:28:04,620 It's that: - "I'm going over here." You say: - "Why are you going over there?" 491 00:28:04,621 --> 00:28:07,319 - "'cause I have a harmonica." - "What are you doing with the harmonica?" 492 00:28:07,320 --> 00:28:09,904 - "I'm going to put it in the toilet." And... 493 00:28:11,105 --> 00:28:14,559 - "Why are you doing that?" - "Enough questions! Goodbye." 494 00:28:15,862 --> 00:28:17,924 Because children express themselves. 495 00:28:17,925 --> 00:28:20,780 That's how they look young and vibrant and alive. 496 00:28:20,781 --> 00:28:22,534 And why we all envy them. 497 00:28:22,573 --> 00:28:28,064 The child, you know, the children are...are… can be incredibly difficult to understand when you're grown-up. 498 00:28:28,065 --> 00:28:29,660 You forget that you were a child. 499 00:28:29,661 --> 00:28:31,972 Something simple like a child going to bed. 500 00:28:31,972 --> 00:28:34,258 You know, you say: "Bed time, bed time, bed time." 501 00:28:34,259 --> 00:28:36,118 That's not what the child hears. 502 00:28:36,119 --> 00:28:39,039 What the child hears is: "Lie down in the dark!" 503 00:28:40,290 --> 00:28:42,143 "For hours!" 504 00:28:42,144 --> 00:28:43,744 "And don't move!" 505 00:28:43,745 --> 00:28:46,228 "I'm locking the door now." 506 00:28:48,165 --> 00:28:52,255 So the child has trouble with that so of course you make a concession, you read a fairytale or something. 507 00:28:52,256 --> 00:28:55,251 You know, all the wisdom of the world compacted into little story. 508 00:28:55,252 --> 00:28:59,505 And you say: "There was a little girl lost Many, many miles from home." 509 00:28:59,506 --> 00:29:02,874 "Walking through the woods late, late at night..." 510 00:29:02,875 --> 00:29:05,861 "with the creatures all hooting and howling and the bushes around and stepping..." 511 00:29:05,862 --> 00:29:10,328 all over the roots of trees. And she came to the old sty and began to climb it..." 512 00:29:10,329 --> 00:29:12,776 "but it broke, you see, it broke..." 513 00:29:12,777 --> 00:29:14,820 "and she fell down." 514 00:29:14,821 --> 00:29:17,361 "But when she got herself up she was alright..." 515 00:29:17,362 --> 00:29:21,540 "and you could see the lights at home. And she began to walk towards home..." 516 00:29:21,541 --> 00:29:23,644 "and then a thing ate her." 517 00:29:24,414 --> 00:29:26,929 "Good night!" - "Night-night." 518 00:29:28,227 --> 00:29:32,212 You probably sent the child to bed because you were just tired talking to the child. 519 00:29:32,213 --> 00:29:34,185 'cause the child asks you questions, you see? 520 00:29:34,186 --> 00:29:36,830 And this is one of the great things about having a child. 521 00:29:36,831 --> 00:29:39,964 You look forward to teaching this child about the world... 522 00:29:39,965 --> 00:29:41,379 and how it works. 523 00:29:41,457 --> 00:29:44,559 But the child..child...children.. the child-ren... 524 00:29:44,560 --> 00:29:48,277 child-ren are... they're like children but they're bigger and they're webbed. They... 525 00:29:50,203 --> 00:29:53,105 they're not really interested in your views on the world. 526 00:29:53,106 --> 00:29:55,141 You know, they have their own questions: 527 00:29:55,142 --> 00:30:00,223 - "What is the name of the spaces in between the bits that stick out on a comb?" 528 00:30:02,259 --> 00:30:05,346 - "I don't...I don't know. I'm not...I'm not sure." 529 00:30:05,347 --> 00:30:07,420 - "What do you called the place underneath the kettle?" 530 00:30:07,421 --> 00:30:10,294 - "I don't know! Bed time! Bed time!" 531 00:30:15,062 --> 00:30:18,517 But it's difficult. Children sleep in your bed. 532 00:30:18,518 --> 00:30:20,808 This is part of having children. 533 00:30:20,808 --> 00:30:24,446 It's very important for a child's development to sleep in the grown-ups' bed. 534 00:30:24,447 --> 00:30:28,165 Because their…their bones are growing in particular directions. 535 00:30:28,166 --> 00:30:31,206 You see what happens is children are actually very sophisticated. 536 00:30:31,207 --> 00:30:33,646 They sleep in your bed for a reason. 537 00:30:33,647 --> 00:30:36,356 The child is born, it takes a look around and thinks: 538 00:30:36,357 --> 00:30:39,231 "Well, this isn't quite what I'd hoped for." 539 00:30:39,488 --> 00:30:41,593 "These people are idiots." 540 00:30:41,594 --> 00:30:44,918 "I wouldn't have painted the house like this at all." 541 00:30:45,416 --> 00:30:47,917 "But I've got to make the best of it so how do I..." 542 00:30:47,918 --> 00:30:49,958 "I've got to maximize my resources..." 543 00:30:49,959 --> 00:30:53,645 "so the key thing is to stop these people having any more children." 544 00:30:55,450 --> 00:30:59,989 So children get urine samples sent through the post and sprinkle it on their beds. 545 00:30:59,990 --> 00:31:03,140 They're busy people. They don't have time to pee the beds themselves. 546 00:31:03,141 --> 00:31:04,627 And they crawl into your bed. 547 00:31:04,627 --> 00:31:09,332 And because their bones are growing and everything they can only sleep in certain positions obviously. 548 00:31:09,333 --> 00:31:12,733 The crucifix and the swastika tend to be the most popular. 549 00:31:13,226 --> 00:31:15,807 Sometimes a combination of the two. 550 00:31:18,061 --> 00:31:21,913 But the thing that really relaxes a child is to have their big toe nails 551 00:31:21,913 --> 00:31:25,089 lodged squarely in your respective genitalia. 552 00:31:25,090 --> 00:31:27,720 That ensures a blissful night's slumber. 553 00:31:27,721 --> 00:31:30,474 Then the sexual kidnapping is complete. 554 00:31:30,475 --> 00:31:32,327 "No touchy-touchy, no kissy-kissy." 555 00:31:32,328 --> 00:31:36,789 "You two needs lots of sleep. I have many questions for tomorrow." 556 00:31:38,844 --> 00:31:40,767 Very important! 557 00:31:45,170 --> 00:31:51,933 But you lose so much of that natural, human panache that children have. 558 00:31:51,934 --> 00:31:55,946 You know, you tell the child to go to bed and it puts that against what it wants to do... 559 00:31:55,947 --> 00:31:59,711 and synthesizes. And says: "I hate you!" 560 00:32:00,430 --> 00:32:02,243 "I really hate you!" 561 00:32:02,244 --> 00:32:05,643 As they're scratching their arse with a toy elephant. Now... 562 00:32:06,518 --> 00:32:09,848 if you could retain that sense of self in your adult life 563 00:32:09,849 --> 00:32:12,007 you'd have totally different experience. 564 00:32:12,008 --> 00:32:15,235 At work telling your boss: "I hate you!" While scratching. 565 00:32:15,236 --> 00:32:20,779 "I really do. Everyday is the same !+$%$!# #%@@. I don't know why I keep coming back." 566 00:32:22,795 --> 00:32:24,976 Difficult to keep a hold of though. 567 00:32:25,332 --> 00:32:28,235 That's why adults are confused a lot of the time. 568 00:32:29,025 --> 00:32:32,040 Adults are terribly confused, messed-up people. 569 00:32:32,417 --> 00:32:35,365 That's because they forget really. 570 00:32:35,366 --> 00:32:39,190 They don't have to pretend all the time. Really the fact is you're not an adult at all,... 571 00:32:39,191 --> 00:32:42,100 you're just a tall child holding a beer... 572 00:32:42,200 --> 00:32:44,368 having a conversation you don't understand. 573 00:32:44,369 --> 00:32:48,240 The Middle-East... "Yeah, I know it was really bad. Yeah, I wouldn't have done that, yeah." 574 00:32:49,047 --> 00:32:53,805 Hysterectomy... "Very painful. The shoulder is very painful area ..." 575 00:32:55,780 --> 00:33:00,147 Being intimidated... I get intimidated by men, by other men. 576 00:33:00,148 --> 00:33:04,799 You know, we were talking about the driving lessons, there are guys talking in pubs about machines and cars. 577 00:33:04,800 --> 00:33:06,125 There's a whole culture of that. 578 00:33:06,126 --> 00:33:10,074 They're talking about the grenumbulator On their whinny wax on the car. And they turn to me and they go: 579 00:33:10,075 --> 00:33:11,702 - "What kind of car have you got?" - "I don't know but when I've got one..." 580 00:33:11,703 --> 00:33:14,736 "it's gonna be a blue one. Hahaa!" 581 00:33:17,340 --> 00:33:20,688 Man are always intimidating one another, competing with one another. 582 00:33:21,847 --> 00:33:23,925 They're more aggressive I suppose. 583 00:33:23,926 --> 00:33:27,704 They did this…er…study actually... 584 00:33:27,705 --> 00:33:30,209 in the University of Chicago... with women. 585 00:33:30,244 --> 00:33:34,673 And they worked out that women are incredibly good at reading male faces. 586 00:33:34,674 --> 00:33:38,629 You know, there's two types apparently. There's a kind of round, soft, sensitive-faced person... 587 00:33:38,630 --> 00:33:43,000 who's a good person to have around. And he's good for you, good for a family. 588 00:33:43,001 --> 00:33:45,414 Gentle and caring and can emphatize. 589 00:33:45,415 --> 00:33:48,044 And then there's the other type which is more... 590 00:33:48,045 --> 00:33:51,300 kind of stronger jawed, more masculine looking...smaller eyes,... 591 00:33:51,301 --> 00:33:53,839 you know, King Kong is what we're talking about here. 592 00:33:53,840 --> 00:33:57,696 And this...interestingly, this was the kind of male favoured by women 593 00:33:57,697 --> 00:34:01,266 for what was called in the study 'brief relationships'. 594 00:34:01,267 --> 00:34:03,109 What the *!%* is that? 595 00:34:03,110 --> 00:34:08,167 When we don't have to roll your tights down the whole way. What is a brief relationship exactly? 596 00:34:10,277 --> 00:34:12,691 Now I'm talking about all this obviously, I'm talking about children and all that kind of, 597 00:34:12,691 --> 00:34:17,319 you know, jobs, mentioning these things to pretend to you that I have an ordinary life. 598 00:34:17,320 --> 00:34:21,645 And this is because I'm…you know…relating to you...and you're ordinary people... 599 00:34:21,646 --> 00:34:25,698 looking up at me with a mixture of awe, envy and lust. And the thing is... 600 00:34:30,000 --> 00:34:32,471 my life is very different. I can't pretend it's not. 601 00:34:32,472 --> 00:34:35,476 You know, when you go to work in the morning and you're going to the newsagency... 602 00:34:35,476 --> 00:34:38,083 and everything to get your lunch of crisps and fags or stones... 603 00:34:38,084 --> 00:34:40,141 or whatever it is you people live on... 604 00:34:40,142 --> 00:34:43,225 You know, it's a long time since I has lived in a house or ate food.. 605 00:34:43,226 --> 00:34:46,994 You see, all these magazines because of the times we live in now, the culture... 606 00:34:46,995 --> 00:34:50,836 you know…this celebrity stuff...all these... this wall of dreams behind you... 607 00:34:50,837 --> 00:34:54,932 it's, you know, Brad and Angelina and me and everybody else up there... 608 00:34:54,933 --> 00:34:57,628 looking down on you, making you feel even more ordinary. 609 00:34:57,629 --> 00:35:00,937 But what you forget is that we all want to be you. 610 00:35:00,938 --> 00:35:06,295 We all want to have, you know, 2.3 children and live in a house where nobody speaks to one another... 611 00:35:06,296 --> 00:35:08,564 and work in a building society or something. 612 00:35:08,565 --> 00:35:12,762 We lie awake at night tossing and turning, masturbating with both hands... 613 00:35:12,763 --> 00:35:15,109 with boutique chocolates falling out of our mouths,... 614 00:35:15,110 --> 00:35:18,409 wishing we could be you living somewhere like Willesden. And... 615 00:35:20,065 --> 00:35:24,145 It's doubly difficult for me 'cause I'm an Irish celebrity. 616 00:35:24,146 --> 00:35:26,411 That's very hard gig, you know. 617 00:35:26,412 --> 00:35:28,472 'cause not many people do it. 618 00:35:28,473 --> 00:35:30,953 There aren't very many of them... and none of them are cool. 619 00:35:30,954 --> 00:35:34,104 You look at Geldof or Bono or anything …they can't do cool. 620 00:35:34,105 --> 00:35:39,215 You put, you know, Bowie or Lou Reed on the cover of Time magazine...of course they look cool. 621 00:35:39,216 --> 00:35:41,406 'cause they can do all that stuff... all those looks. 622 00:35:41,407 --> 00:35:44,537 You know, the ones that say: "I don't even know you're there..." 623 00:35:44,538 --> 00:35:47,480 "but if I did I'd ignore you." 624 00:35:47,481 --> 00:35:52,204 "I'm having people flown in from other galaxies just to come and scratch me." 625 00:35:53,044 --> 00:35:56,595 You can't do that if you're Irish because you have a...the face. 626 00:35:56,596 --> 00:35:58,498 You know, and an Irish face always looks like 627 00:35:58,499 --> 00:36:02,934 it's been told two very important pieces of information at the same time. 628 00:36:06,513 --> 00:36:08,749 At one shoulder somebody's just run up and said: 629 00:36:08,750 --> 00:36:13,205 "You've just won a hundred million thousand pounds and loads of stuff." 630 00:36:13,206 --> 00:36:15,349 And at the other shoulder somebody's just whispered in their ear: 631 00:36:15,350 --> 00:36:18,164 "But you only have three minutes to live." 632 00:36:18,165 --> 00:36:20,086 That's why everybody looks like this: 633 00:36:24,921 --> 00:36:27,324 All the politicians and everybody you see on television always... 634 00:36:27,325 --> 00:36:30,431 look like they're just about to pull a ham sandwich out of their pocket... 635 00:36:30,431 --> 00:36:33,144 and it doesn't actually belong to them. 636 00:36:33,902 --> 00:36:35,886 Ladies and gentlemen, that is the first bit. 637 00:36:35,887 --> 00:36:40,275 I'm gonna go away and I'll see you in a little… Thank you. Bye. INTERVAL 638 00:37:26,000 --> 00:37:29,738 Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome back to the stage 639 00:37:29,739 --> 00:37:31,586 Dylan Moran! 640 00:37:37,463 --> 00:37:39,430 You're the man! (Heckle) 641 00:37:42,104 --> 00:37:43,218 That's right. (heckle) 642 00:37:45,296 --> 00:37:47,214 Thank you for sharing. Now... 643 00:37:50,904 --> 00:37:54,239 - Tell us a story! (heckle) What's that? - Tell us a story! (heckle) 644 00:37:54,500 --> 00:37:57,545 - I appreciate everything you've done. 645 00:37:59,209 --> 00:38:02,232 I loved your early work, I think it's only getting better. 646 00:38:05,374 --> 00:38:07,622 So I was talking about something... 647 00:38:07,623 --> 00:38:09,754 and then I stopped. 648 00:38:09,755 --> 00:38:12,733 And you agreed...we left it there. 649 00:38:12,734 --> 00:38:15,091 But now, the thing is to get to it... 650 00:38:16,091 --> 00:38:18,153 what I really meant say was... 651 00:38:18,154 --> 00:38:21,144 you know, you probably all went and got a drink and everything in the interval... 652 00:38:21,145 --> 00:38:25,417 and, you know, were propulsed along by your own needs... 653 00:38:25,617 --> 00:38:27,580 having them filled. 654 00:38:27,581 --> 00:38:29,027 Which is what we do. Some people like... 655 00:38:29,028 --> 00:38:32,499 some people are taking pictures on phones. 656 00:38:32,499 --> 00:38:34,976 I don't...why…why people do that… 657 00:38:34,977 --> 00:38:36,514 It's very weird... 658 00:38:36,515 --> 00:38:39,646 Everybody does that now. We all take pic... you do the same with holiday photos. 659 00:38:39,647 --> 00:38:41,883 You record something to look back on it. 660 00:38:41,884 --> 00:38:44,814 Even though you're not really there when you're taking the picture... 661 00:38:44,815 --> 00:38:46,441 'cause you're too busy recording it... 662 00:38:46,442 --> 00:38:49,519 so you retrospectively going to look back on where you weren't... 663 00:38:49,520 --> 00:38:51,328 and tell yourself you had a good time. And... 664 00:38:51,858 --> 00:38:54,921 but that's what holiday photos are, aren't they? You go away, you come back,... 665 00:38:54,921 --> 00:38:56,281 you say: "Look! It's..." 666 00:38:56,282 --> 00:38:59,684 You show your friends: - "Look! It's...it's us." 667 00:39:01,515 --> 00:39:03,238 - "I know." 668 00:39:03,726 --> 00:39:06,840 - "Yeah, but look, we're eating hummus." - "What a transformation." 669 00:39:08,099 --> 00:39:09,891 - "I hope you enjoyed yourselves." 670 00:39:09,892 --> 00:39:13,390 Because...you...that's what you're telling yourself. It's your reward to go away. 671 00:39:13,391 --> 00:39:15,348 It's still the time of year people are going away. 672 00:39:15,349 --> 00:39:19,054 And you can't really enjoy it. It's very hard anyway. 673 00:39:19,089 --> 00:39:22,625 There's the only one airline servicing the world now - Air Denial... 674 00:39:23,391 --> 00:39:26,424 where everybody gets on and they pretend they're in a cafe... 675 00:39:26,425 --> 00:39:30,110 where they're trying to shut out the one thought that has actually kidnapped their mind, which is: 676 00:39:30,111 --> 00:39:32,363 "We're all gonna die." 677 00:39:32,364 --> 00:39:35,787 And you pretend you're in a cafe and that's what the people are there, who work on the planes... 678 00:39:35,788 --> 00:39:37,969 are supposed to support you in this fantasy 679 00:39:37,970 --> 00:39:40,504 cos they come along and they say: "Would you like red or white wine..." 680 00:39:40,505 --> 00:39:44,219 "with your piece of vulcanized lizzard's *$*! from the moon?" 681 00:39:44,520 --> 00:39:48,936 "How about an extra bread roll there to dip in your otter vomit pate?" 682 00:39:48,937 --> 00:39:51,296 And you go: - "Red or white wine? What you're gonna have darling?" 683 00:39:51,297 --> 00:39:52,515 - "I don't know. What are you gonna have?" 684 00:39:52,516 --> 00:39:54,864 All to shut out the one thought which is in your mind, which is: 685 00:39:54,865 --> 00:39:58,488 "We're gonna die! We're all gonna die! We're all gonna die! Right now." 686 00:39:58,489 --> 00:40:01,578 "The plane is made of metal, the wings are made of metal,..." 687 00:40:01,578 --> 00:40:04,538 "we're all eating and I'm the only non-terrorist aboard." 688 00:40:04,539 --> 00:40:06,257 "We're all going to die!" 689 00:40:09,000 --> 00:40:13,417 And you kind of...the only enjoyable bit actually about being up there... 690 00:40:13,452 --> 00:40:16,489 is…is if you have a family… you're with your children... 691 00:40:16,490 --> 00:40:20,899 and you get to see the young person you used to be sitting a few rows ahead of you... 692 00:40:20,900 --> 00:40:24,685 who'll always oblige you by turning around and giving you that scowling look. 693 00:40:24,886 --> 00:40:27,322 'cause your child reacting to air pressure... 694 00:40:27,323 --> 00:40:30,734 is expressing themselves by going: ".ablkasdkfjasdf.." 695 00:40:31,550 --> 00:40:33,787 And they look around disapprovingly... 696 00:40:33,788 --> 00:40:35,600 as though you're going to clock that look and go: 697 00:40:35,601 --> 00:40:37,885 "Oh sorry, I'll slit their throat." 698 00:40:39,477 --> 00:40:44,234 "…after all you paid for business and you're a busy, busy guy, aren't you?" 699 00:40:48,423 --> 00:40:51,521 You kind of prop yourself up with all those things,... 700 00:40:51,522 --> 00:40:53,284 you know, holidays and stuff. 701 00:40:53,285 --> 00:40:56,824 Especially in this part of the world. When people get depressed here 702 00:40:56,859 --> 00:40:59,228 they don't really handle it very well. 703 00:40:59,229 --> 00:41:01,125 In other cultures they do something useful. 704 00:41:01,126 --> 00:41:04,653 You know, they have a rain dance or they throw stones on one another or something. 705 00:41:04,654 --> 00:41:06,835 But here, when people get pissed off they go: 706 00:41:06,836 --> 00:41:09,379 "I can't carry on, I don't understand my life anymore,..." 707 00:41:09,380 --> 00:41:13,251 "I don't know what I'm doing. I can't !+$%$!# handle it, I can't deal with anything..." 708 00:41:13,252 --> 00:41:16,861 "including these cornflakes. I just don't know what's going on." 709 00:41:16,862 --> 00:41:18,601 "I'm f...I can't do it." 710 00:41:18,611 --> 00:41:22,833 "Ah ah...*!%* it, I'll buy a CD." 711 00:41:22,918 --> 00:41:27,119 "I'll get a CD and a jacket! *!%* everybody!" But... 712 00:41:27,661 --> 00:41:30,569 because you're out of your mind, not feeling well,... 713 00:41:30,570 --> 00:41:33,214 you go and you buy stuff you didn't really want anyway,... 714 00:41:33,215 --> 00:41:37,873 you know, 'The Ecuadorian Women's Folk Choir Doing The Songs of Kenny Rogers'... 715 00:41:37,874 --> 00:41:42,345 and you bring it back, some canary yellow jacket with purple buttons up the front... 716 00:41:42,345 --> 00:41:44,355 and you look at this and you think: "What is the #%@@?" 717 00:41:44,356 --> 00:41:45,675 "What was I thinking?" 718 00:41:45,676 --> 00:41:47,509 So, you take it to a charity shop. 719 00:41:47,510 --> 00:41:50,254 That generally is the extent of our charity. 720 00:41:50,255 --> 00:41:53,611 We give away all the #%@@ we never needed or wanted in the first place. 721 00:41:53,612 --> 00:41:58,877 And that's why charity shops themselves have that incredible funk of depression. 722 00:41:59,078 --> 00:42:02,838 That layered smell and all the women who work in there are a hundred and three. 723 00:42:03,716 --> 00:42:05,967 And...they were twenty when they turned up for work that morning,... 724 00:42:05,968 --> 00:42:07,915 they just aged in the smell. 725 00:42:08,559 --> 00:42:12,147 Presumably as well there are people going into those shops as well who think... 726 00:42:12,148 --> 00:42:16,517 when they look at the stuff they go: "That mirror in the shape of a cello..." 727 00:42:16,517 --> 00:42:19,872 "covered in seashells is a !+$%$!# bargain. Do you have any more of those?" 728 00:42:19,873 --> 00:42:21,729 "Do you? I need about ten." 729 00:42:26,978 --> 00:42:30,540 So what takes you out of that? What will get you away from all that? 730 00:42:30,541 --> 00:42:32,620 All the interiority you don't need. 731 00:42:32,621 --> 00:42:35,379 Children are very good actually for that. 732 00:42:35,380 --> 00:42:38,306 Teaching you about the world. Peeing on you. 733 00:42:38,859 --> 00:42:42,290 It's hard to feel sorry for yourself and your past... 734 00:42:42,291 --> 00:42:45,598 if you wake up with somebody sitting on your face... 735 00:42:45,789 --> 00:42:47,173 saying: 736 00:42:48,301 --> 00:42:49,905 "I'm hungry." 737 00:42:52,476 --> 00:42:56,749 But you know, you…women…women are more supportive of one another around children. 738 00:42:56,750 --> 00:43:00,246 If a woman gets pregnant, you know, other women pitch in and they sort of talk about it... 739 00:43:00,247 --> 00:43:03,717 and it's far more useful, you know, men, when men are about to have a child,... 740 00:43:03,718 --> 00:43:07,670 if they have young male single friends, they're not…they're not so good. You know this. 741 00:43:07,671 --> 00:43:12,184 You know, your male friends arrive and they stand there and they look at you and they come and see the baby... 742 00:43:12,185 --> 00:43:14,425 and they don't really know how to deal with it. 743 00:43:14,426 --> 00:43:16,237 You know, they don't get it 'cause they go: 744 00:43:16,238 --> 00:43:19,732 "Well, I'm here, you know, your house is a medley of disgusting smells,..." 745 00:43:19,733 --> 00:43:22,770 "there's nothing to eat, everybody's wearing bathrobes,..." 746 00:43:22,771 --> 00:43:27,055 "there's no bar, I can't *!%* anybody, why am I here?" 747 00:43:33,000 --> 00:43:35,421 Women tend to be more mature. 748 00:43:35,735 --> 00:43:40,059 You know, men look at breasts the way women look at babies. 749 00:43:40,979 --> 00:43:43,015 "Aww, isn't that lovely?" And they... 750 00:43:46,069 --> 00:43:49,709 if a woman gets pregnant all the women she's ever met in her whole life... 751 00:43:49,710 --> 00:43:52,758 will appear from all corners of the earth to support her... 752 00:43:52,759 --> 00:43:56,420 by telling her horror stories of all the pregnancies they've ever heard about. 753 00:43:56,667 --> 00:43:59,649 "It's fantastic what you're doing. I love the way you're handling this." 754 00:43:59,650 --> 00:44:02,598 "It won't be like what happened to Michelle." - "What? What happened to Michelle?" 755 00:44:02,599 --> 00:44:05,402 - "Oh, did I say Michelle? I didn't mean to mention that, I'm sorry. Don't worry." 756 00:44:05,403 --> 00:44:08,236 "She was a fool. She ate vegetables and drank water." 757 00:44:08,237 --> 00:44:10,617 "The baby came out her ear. You'll be fine." 758 00:44:11,010 --> 00:44:13,908 "You'll be absolutely fine. Nothing will happen to you." 759 00:44:14,955 --> 00:44:17,321 "She can't sit down now. Nobody in the family talks to one another." 760 00:44:17,321 --> 00:44:19,226 "You'll be fine. Don't worry about it." 761 00:44:26,040 --> 00:44:29,378 Men are...men remain envious of women, 762 00:44:29,379 --> 00:44:33,827 despite what women think. Men…men would like to…to be female…sometimes. 763 00:44:34,128 --> 00:44:38,079 To understand things more…to have access… to have the freedom... 764 00:44:38,208 --> 00:44:42,132 to ask these questions that women say every day: 765 00:44:42,799 --> 00:44:47,718 - "Why did you put the towel…the wet towel..." 766 00:44:48,497 --> 00:44:52,652 "on the bathroom floor? You left it there! Why did you do that?" 767 00:44:54,239 --> 00:44:58,845 - "Well, me and the guys were talking about it over a period of weeks..." 768 00:44:59,859 --> 00:45:02,180 "you know, in the bunker..." 769 00:45:02,687 --> 00:45:04,781 "and we figured that was the best place for it." 770 00:45:04,781 --> 00:45:07,489 "It wouldn't work in the kitchen." 771 00:45:13,010 --> 00:45:15,632 The questions that everybody asks now are 772 00:45:15,632 --> 00:45:19,462 the questions that everybody has always asked about each other. 773 00:45:19,463 --> 00:45:21,057 You know, you still hear all this stuff: 774 00:45:21,058 --> 00:45:23,701 "What do women want?" As though it's really mysterious. 775 00:45:23,702 --> 00:45:25,388 As though it's a big deal. 776 00:45:25,389 --> 00:45:27,591 All that women want is what anybody wants. 777 00:45:27,592 --> 00:45:30,001 You know, friendship and companionship and respect... 778 00:45:30,002 --> 00:45:33,926 and a certain amount of leadership with submission... 779 00:45:33,932 --> 00:45:38,434 and a kind of cooperation at all times... 780 00:45:38,435 --> 00:45:41,024 and pre-emptive empathy and you know,... 781 00:45:41,025 --> 00:45:43,930 general telepathy. It's no big deal, is it? 782 00:45:44,309 --> 00:45:47,039 And then when the same questions are asked of men. 783 00:45:47,040 --> 00:45:49,834 "What is it that men want?" You're always told that it's really very simple. 784 00:45:49,835 --> 00:45:52,027 You know, something like "lingerie"... 785 00:45:52,574 --> 00:45:55,434 Now historically there hasn't been a big demand... 786 00:45:55,435 --> 00:45:57,801 for male lingerie from women. 787 00:45:57,802 --> 00:46:01,545 Because there's a limited amount you can do with male genitalia. 788 00:46:01,546 --> 00:46:03,159 There's a limited amount you can do with anything... 789 00:46:03,159 --> 00:46:06,731 that looks like it's hanging out of the side of a shark's mouth. And... 790 00:46:12,081 --> 00:46:15,000 it doesn't really matter if you put a velvet gown around it. 791 00:46:15,000 --> 00:46:16,849 It's not gonna do the trick. 792 00:46:21,041 --> 00:46:24,946 We're told that this is what…what...what men want - lingerie…you know... 793 00:46:25,505 --> 00:46:28,207 for women to look like cakes. 794 00:46:29,320 --> 00:46:33,486 "It's not enough that you want to be with me and love me." 795 00:46:33,487 --> 00:46:37,062 "You must first be a French fancy." And... 796 00:46:37,540 --> 00:46:41,853 Now women don't want that. Traditionally women have been attracted to uniforms. 797 00:46:41,854 --> 00:46:43,813 So it's not difficult to know what women want. 798 00:46:43,814 --> 00:46:46,620 Fascists - that's really what they're all after. 799 00:46:47,621 --> 00:46:50,056 Say what you like about nazi Germany 800 00:46:50,675 --> 00:46:52,753 They turned heads. 801 00:46:53,390 --> 00:46:55,429 Everywhere those storm troopers went... 802 00:46:55,430 --> 00:46:58,752 "Check him out before he kills us!" That happened a lot. 803 00:47:05,433 --> 00:47:09,939 But sometimes I think it passes through the mind of heterosexual people... 804 00:47:09,940 --> 00:47:11,962 that it might be easier to be gay. 805 00:47:12,701 --> 00:47:14,669 'cause obviously…you know... 806 00:47:15,646 --> 00:47:17,704 there's apparently... 807 00:47:17,712 --> 00:47:20,027 less... 808 00:47:20,426 --> 00:47:24,279 errrrrr….responsibilities outside yourself. That's how it would appear sometimes. 809 00:47:24,280 --> 00:47:26,922 And also…you know…if you're straight... 810 00:47:26,923 --> 00:47:30,167 and you're pissed off or stressed out... what do you do really... 811 00:47:30,168 --> 00:47:33,996 you know, you have an extra piece of cake or a couple of drinks you shouldn't really have. 812 00:47:33,997 --> 00:47:37,147 If you're gay you can go to a toilet and *!%* a stranger. 813 00:47:37,148 --> 00:47:41,235 Now that's...that has got to work some of the kinks out, hasn't it? 814 00:47:41,803 --> 00:47:45,155 Afterwards he must think: "Yeah, I can deal with my emails now." 815 00:47:46,704 --> 00:47:50,891 But because of that then you get straight people disparaging gay relationships... 816 00:47:50,892 --> 00:47:55,114 and saying: "Well, they can't be meaningful, you know, if they...you met in a latrine." 817 00:47:55,616 --> 00:48:00,150 But most heterosexual people in this country and around the world... 818 00:48:00,151 --> 00:48:02,647 meet each other and get together with one another... 819 00:48:02,648 --> 00:48:05,137 when they're totally, totally drunk. 820 00:48:05,138 --> 00:48:08,001 Smashed…out of their minds... 821 00:48:08,002 --> 00:48:12,683 they could not spell their own face. And they 822 00:48:12,755 --> 00:48:16,869 go home with that person. You might spend months with that person... 823 00:48:16,870 --> 00:48:18,973 or a year... or you might have a family. 824 00:48:19,886 --> 00:48:21,747 This is what happens. This is how you meet. 825 00:48:21,748 --> 00:48:24,222 But you wouldn't buy a toaster when you're drunk. 826 00:48:25,361 --> 00:48:29,342 'cause that's too important. It's got to be crispy in just the right way, hasn't it? 827 00:48:31,330 --> 00:48:33,958 I think that's why you see couples... 828 00:48:34,381 --> 00:48:37,870 sitting with their new babies outside cafes and so on... 829 00:48:37,871 --> 00:48:39,646 drinking tea, looking at one another, looking to the pram,... 830 00:48:39,647 --> 00:48:42,313 looking into the middle distance and back to one another... 831 00:48:42,314 --> 00:48:43,328 because they're thinking: 832 00:48:43,329 --> 00:48:45,846 "Oh…wh…what the *!%* happened?!" 833 00:48:46,642 --> 00:48:49,866 "I just thought we were gonna have a few drinks. Who's this guy?" 834 00:48:57,810 --> 00:49:02,371 And love is incredibly…er…mysterious as you know. 835 00:49:03,018 --> 00:49:07,007 And it's still the thing that troubles most people for a lot of their lives... 836 00:49:07,008 --> 00:49:09,535 until they work it out…and which you… you may do eventually. 837 00:49:09,570 --> 00:49:13,101 You hear the conversations in the restaurants, the lovers speaking to one another. 838 00:49:13,474 --> 00:49:15,514 And it never really changes. 839 00:49:15,514 --> 00:49:18,811 People compete with one another as they're telling each other that they love each other. 840 00:49:18,812 --> 00:49:20,693 - "I love you." - "I love you." 841 00:49:20,694 --> 00:49:23,460 - "Yeah, but I really love you. I mean I love you." 842 00:49:23,461 --> 00:49:26,728 "I love pencils you have sucked and thrown away twenty years ago." 843 00:49:26,729 --> 00:49:30,526 "I love your eyebrows and your ancestry and everything about you!" 844 00:49:30,527 --> 00:49:33,584 "Just eat your food and let me love you. Don't speak!" And... 845 00:49:34,764 --> 00:49:38,290 they don't know of course at the time that that dialogue is just... 846 00:49:38,290 --> 00:49:41,731 from a very bad science fiction film written by nature. 847 00:49:41,732 --> 00:49:43,485 Really what they're saying to one another is: 848 00:49:43,486 --> 00:49:46,473 "The race must continue! The race must continue!" 849 00:49:46,474 --> 00:49:48,740 "My vadudium is pointing at your phenungulator." 850 00:49:48,741 --> 00:49:50,602 "The race must continue!" 851 00:49:53,276 --> 00:49:57,201 And if they don't handle it properly you see them forty years later,... 852 00:49:57,202 --> 00:49:59,996 the same people in the same restaurant, if you have the time... 853 00:49:59,997 --> 00:50:03,176 you go there and you see them and they communicate on a different way now… 854 00:50:03,177 --> 00:50:05,237 In middle age… 855 00:50:05,238 --> 00:50:07,521 In some cultures it's called 'silence'. 856 00:50:08,000 --> 00:50:10,376 Unless I'm missing something and they're saying a lot... 857 00:50:10,377 --> 00:50:12,182 with the fork hitting the plate. 858 00:50:12,183 --> 00:50:15,872 And if their eyes do meet this time it's not intimacy, it's embarrassment. 859 00:50:16,249 --> 00:50:19,294 The man makes that noise as he chomps his chop... 860 00:50:19,295 --> 00:50:23,413 in his throat…a kind of horrible sound… this…"Hhhmmmnnnngggg.." 861 00:50:23,745 --> 00:50:26,049 Sounds like a Balkan curse. And... 862 00:50:26,555 --> 00:50:30,087 the woman has her own noise of disquiet. The "hhhhhhmmmmmm..." 863 00:50:31,058 --> 00:50:33,576 As she's spearing her salad. 864 00:50:33,577 --> 00:50:37,885 Like a…you know…sounds like a dove having a dump. And then they... 865 00:50:39,967 --> 00:50:43,323 they go home to the bed they've sheared for... 866 00:50:43,324 --> 00:50:47,295 sheared...when you shear a bed it's a…its a difficult process. 867 00:50:47,671 --> 00:50:50,741 It…you know, when you go home you're a bit... had a couple of drinks... 868 00:50:50,742 --> 00:50:53,069 and the bed's all wooly, and you have to... 869 00:50:53,660 --> 00:50:55,646 and you have to get the clippers out. 870 00:50:56,546 --> 00:50:59,673 "Here we go again. Don't move." And... 871 00:51:01,570 --> 00:51:04,202 and when they've sheared the bed they share it... 872 00:51:04,596 --> 00:51:08,062 and they get in with... and they have real intimacy... 873 00:51:08,063 --> 00:51:11,598 which takes years to achieve, you know... 874 00:51:11,752 --> 00:51:14,506 you're not gonna get it with somebody you don't know very well,... 875 00:51:14,507 --> 00:51:17,378 not that there really is such a thing as 'casual sex'. 876 00:51:17,379 --> 00:51:19,796 What is that? What is that supposed to be? 877 00:51:19,797 --> 00:51:23,827 It's never really casual. You always have to turn up...and the... 878 00:51:25,352 --> 00:51:28,522 it's never casual unless you're both wearing Sherlock Holmes's hats or something... 879 00:51:29,133 --> 00:51:31,874 and you're covered in crisps, one of you is eating an omelette,... 880 00:51:31,875 --> 00:51:34,805 the other one is doing a crossword. Then it's kind of casual. 881 00:51:37,144 --> 00:51:39,503 I'm talking about real intimacy. 882 00:51:39,504 --> 00:51:43,362 When people don't mess around with all that manipulating the phrase "I love you." 883 00:51:43,363 --> 00:51:46,455 People...you get this all the time: "I love you. I love you. I love you I love you..." 884 00:51:46,581 --> 00:51:49,723 "Bake me a cake or go away." 885 00:51:50,865 --> 00:51:53,587 Children can master those three words. 886 00:51:53,588 --> 00:51:55,435 - "What do you want for breakfast, darling?" 887 00:51:55,436 --> 00:51:58,441 - "I want sugar fried in honey." 888 00:51:59,592 --> 00:52:03,475 - "No! You're having fruit, bread, wholesome things like that." 889 00:52:03,476 --> 00:52:05,494 - "I love you, Daddy!" - "I love you too..." 890 00:52:05,495 --> 00:52:08,639 "Sugar you say? I'll be right back." 891 00:52:10,714 --> 00:52:14,349 I mean it's just hard to like certain foods. 892 00:52:15,848 --> 00:52:18,688 Look at this. I'm trying to addict to myself to it. 893 00:52:18,689 --> 00:52:21,430 It doesn't work for me...fruit. 894 00:52:22,278 --> 00:52:24,394 It's just God showing off: 895 00:52:25,186 --> 00:52:27,306 "Look at all the colours I know." 896 00:52:30,959 --> 00:52:32,924 Horrible stuff! 897 00:52:33,266 --> 00:52:37,002 You know, when somebody comes to your house for dinner or the weekend or something... 898 00:52:37,003 --> 00:52:41,559 and they don't bring a bottle of wine or some chocolates or biscuits or something... 899 00:52:41,560 --> 00:52:44,052 you %#%$! about that person when they leave saying: 900 00:52:44,053 --> 00:52:46,986 "Mean *!#%%%$!**%*. Didn't bring anything." 901 00:52:46,987 --> 00:52:50,141 You never hear anybody saying: "They didn't bring any fruit." 902 00:52:50,142 --> 00:52:52,483 "Not a single melon. We had them for three weeks." 903 00:52:52,484 --> 00:52:54,153 "I didn't see a grape." 904 00:52:55,334 --> 00:52:56,664 Nobody likes it. 905 00:52:56,665 --> 00:52:59,355 That's why they put mirrors around it in supermarkets. 906 00:52:59,556 --> 00:53:01,577 You just catch sight of yourself and you think: 907 00:53:01,578 --> 00:53:04,193 "Fuckit, I'm dying…I better eat some of this." 908 00:53:04,221 --> 00:53:06,401 They don't do that with the eclairs, do they? 909 00:53:08,384 --> 00:53:09,553 Horrible! 910 00:53:09,554 --> 00:53:12,020 You have one - confirm that it's awful. 911 00:53:13,572 --> 00:53:17,903 Ah, it's got stones and things in it. What is the point? 912 00:53:20,257 --> 00:53:22,042 What was I saying? 913 00:53:23,343 --> 00:53:25,453 I have no idea what I was saying. What was I saying? 914 00:53:25,876 --> 00:53:27,805 It doesn't matter. 915 00:53:28,215 --> 00:53:35,634 But um...yeah, you know…it takes ages as well, it goes on and on and on. 916 00:53:40,576 --> 00:53:46,570 Now!...the…the…the…the…um…the other thing…you know… 917 00:53:47,086 --> 00:53:48,762 I don't know! 918 00:53:49,871 --> 00:53:53,280 Yes! Intimacy…and what is real and what is not. 919 00:53:54,407 --> 00:53:55,949 And I suppose…you know... 920 00:53:55,950 --> 00:54:01,434 the conditions have to be right of course for…for…for…for love to happen. 921 00:54:01,435 --> 00:54:05,455 You know…it is much more difficult to be female, I grant you that. 922 00:54:05,456 --> 00:54:08,388 Because the body's more complicated. 923 00:54:08,589 --> 00:54:11,043 You know, if you're born a woman all these things happen to you. 924 00:54:11,044 --> 00:54:16,855 You're a baby, then a child, then a girl, then a girl-woman and all these things are going on. 925 00:54:16,856 --> 00:54:21,005 It's a constant opera with masks keep falling to the floor throughout your life. 926 00:54:21,005 --> 00:54:24,973 "Who am I? I don't know! Watch out I'm !+$%$!# nuts." And... 927 00:54:25,528 --> 00:54:28,521 If you're a male, you know, you're born, you have a finger up your nose... 928 00:54:28,522 --> 00:54:30,987 and the other hand on your dick and you get taller. 929 00:54:30,988 --> 00:54:32,494 And that is really it. 930 00:54:38,051 --> 00:54:40,231 And it's fairly amazing... 931 00:54:40,232 --> 00:54:45,029 to think of the…the…the ludicrous taboos... 932 00:54:45,030 --> 00:54:50,480 that persist amongst us, informed, intelligent, able people. 933 00:54:50,481 --> 00:54:53,271 Just from biology. For all these years... 934 00:54:53,272 --> 00:54:56,742 it is still a difficult thing to talk about menstruation... 935 00:54:56,743 --> 00:54:58,640 with a woman if you're male. 936 00:54:58,641 --> 00:55:02,173 And you find this out as a young man... very quickly. 937 00:55:02,208 --> 00:55:04,171 'cause you're talking to somebody and you're saying: 938 00:55:04,172 --> 00:55:09,461 "Listen…listen…I agree with everything you're carving on the kitchen table." 939 00:55:09,462 --> 00:55:10,871 "I do." 940 00:55:10,872 --> 00:55:13,034 "I really, really do." 941 00:55:13,035 --> 00:55:17,040 "But do you think it's possible you may feel this way... 942 00:55:17,041 --> 00:55:20,327 "perhaps because of your per...aaaggghhh!!!" 943 00:55:24,495 --> 00:55:28,250 That first high-kick to the thorax generally does the trick. 944 00:55:29,642 --> 00:55:32,227 If you address the subject at all thereafter... 945 00:55:32,228 --> 00:55:33,866 it's always in the most feeble way. You go: 946 00:55:33,867 --> 00:55:36,242 "Yes, yes, I know, haha, yes,..." 947 00:55:36,243 --> 00:55:39,219 "have you seen the Moon?" You don't... 948 00:55:44,114 --> 00:55:46,481 And we're told and it's traditional... 949 00:55:46,482 --> 00:55:48,913 that things have to be just right for a woman... 950 00:55:48,914 --> 00:55:52,058 for certain exchanges... 951 00:55:52,629 --> 00:55:55,879 and acts to happen between you. If you care about somebody... 952 00:55:55,880 --> 00:55:57,670 really, properly care…it has to be just right. 953 00:55:57,671 --> 00:56:02,696 You know…we're told that men don't need very much. They just...you know…they just appear. 954 00:56:02,697 --> 00:56:05,500 All circumstances are fine for any sensitive occasion. 955 00:56:05,501 --> 00:56:07,243 Whereas with women things have to be right. 956 00:56:07,244 --> 00:56:09,830 You know, people are saying "I love you" all the time to reassure one another. 957 00:56:09,831 --> 00:56:12,908 "I love you. I love you. I love you." In bed as they're making love. 958 00:56:12,909 --> 00:56:16,820 - "I love you. I love you." - "Why have you got ham in your bed?" 959 00:56:17,554 --> 00:56:21,630 This is what women say. - "Why?" - "I don't know. It's there. 960 00:56:21,630 --> 00:56:24,087 "Are you hungry? Are you hungry? You're not hungry?" 961 00:56:24,088 --> 00:56:27,035 "You might be hungry later. I don't know. But it's there. I'm prepared." And... 962 00:56:28,233 --> 00:56:32,124 - "What is the noise? There's noise downstairs." - "It's nothing. It's my flatmate." 963 00:56:32,125 --> 00:56:34,060 "Forget it. He won't hear anything." 964 00:56:34,061 --> 00:56:36,942 "I'll tell him everything later anyway. Don't worry about it..." 965 00:56:36,943 --> 00:56:41,015 - "No, we must have music." - "Alright! Christ! I love you. I love you." 966 00:56:41,016 --> 00:56:43,336 "Now…there." - "Not Wagner!" 967 00:56:43,337 --> 00:56:45,769 "I feel like I'm being invaded." 968 00:56:45,770 --> 00:56:47,139 - "Oh God! What's the point?" 969 00:56:47,140 --> 00:56:49,914 "You're just lying there anyway, you've taken all the lingerie off. This is too easy." 970 00:56:49,914 --> 00:56:52,411 "Can't you hide under the bed and send up a flare or something." 971 00:56:52,412 --> 00:56:54,426 "This has to be a game for me." 972 00:56:56,823 --> 00:56:58,640 All these games. 973 00:56:58,641 --> 00:57:00,397 All the fear. 974 00:57:02,446 --> 00:57:04,722 Very difficult to tell some people you love them, of course. 975 00:57:04,723 --> 00:57:08,661 Very difficult to tell your father you love him if you're a man. 976 00:57:08,662 --> 00:57:13,367 - "I love you, Dad." - "Oh yeah…hmm…hmm…oh yeah…yeah..." 977 00:57:13,887 --> 00:57:15,800 "You ok for money?" 978 00:57:17,262 --> 00:57:19,750 - "I'm very good for money. I just want to tell you that I love you." 979 00:57:19,751 --> 00:57:21,630 - "Oh…yeah…yeah. I'll tell your mother." 980 00:57:21,631 --> 00:57:23,166 You know, it's a difficult thing. 981 00:57:26,828 --> 00:57:29,718 So these people talking in the restaurant... 982 00:57:29,719 --> 00:57:33,371 maybe about what they don't really understand, will find out later. 983 00:57:33,372 --> 00:57:35,332 With everything that happens to them. 984 00:57:35,333 --> 00:57:38,187 And when they go to bed at night years and years later 985 00:57:38,188 --> 00:57:40,484 they do achieve a kind of real intimacy. 986 00:57:40,485 --> 00:57:43,630 But you have to know somebody very well to be able to say: 987 00:57:44,253 --> 00:57:46,732 "I hate the way you breathe." 988 00:57:47,617 --> 00:57:51,259 "Why do you breathe like that? It sounds like it's coming through your !+$%$!# forehead!" 989 00:57:52,816 --> 00:57:55,541 "I haven't slept in 35 years!" 990 00:57:57,000 --> 00:58:01,340 "Do you have any idea how fat you actually are? Do you? Do you have any !+$%$!# idea?" 991 00:58:04,423 --> 00:58:06,879 "No, you don't, do you? Because your little face…" 992 00:58:06,880 --> 00:58:09,623 "…is an island trapped in the sea of flab!" 993 00:58:16,522 --> 00:58:18,884 "I would stab you to death but I can't..." 994 00:58:18,884 --> 00:58:21,119 "afford to take the two weeks off work!" 995 00:58:33,513 --> 00:58:36,800 Nothing that can't be sorted out by a nice cup of tea. 996 00:58:41,780 --> 00:58:44,350 But it is difficult. It is of course... 997 00:58:45,496 --> 00:58:48,512 the people who…who…who love you, who know you... 998 00:58:48,512 --> 00:58:50,405 who can wound you. 999 00:58:50,406 --> 00:58:54,523 That is the terrible vulnerability. These people know how you…how you… how you work. 1000 00:58:55,303 --> 00:58:58,529 You can take all kinds of abuse from strangers or people at work or... 1001 00:58:59,215 --> 00:59:01,913 people on the street. It doesn't matter. You brush it all off. 1002 00:59:02,004 --> 00:59:05,114 But you don't have to get rage or obscenity from somebody who knows you. 1003 00:59:05,115 --> 00:59:07,476 They just have to say the right thing at the right time. 1004 00:59:08,639 --> 00:59:11,339 "Your nosehair..." 1005 00:59:12,434 --> 00:59:14,028 "which is grey..." 1006 00:59:14,950 --> 00:59:16,920 "is in my eye." 1007 00:59:19,842 --> 00:59:21,406 That'll do it! 1008 00:59:24,262 --> 00:59:26,072 We're all... 1009 00:59:26,073 --> 00:59:28,046 very woundable. 1010 00:59:28,647 --> 00:59:31,079 We all want a certain treatment. 1011 00:59:31,080 --> 00:59:33,198 You want to hear things said in a certain way. 1012 00:59:33,199 --> 00:59:35,453 I heard a terrible story… 1013 00:59:35,454 --> 00:59:39,284 I…I…I didn't even...I didn't think this kind of thing happened. 1014 00:59:39,284 --> 00:59:40,664 But this happened… 1015 00:59:40,668 --> 00:59:42,645 This guy knows a guy, it happened... 1016 00:59:42,646 --> 00:59:44,961 the guy I know, knows another guy... 1017 00:59:44,962 --> 00:59:47,900 it happened to him. And..I'm… very well connected. And... 1018 00:59:49,318 --> 00:59:52,726 he told me this man was in bed with his…with his person...and... 1019 00:59:53,657 --> 00:59:57,499 they were making love. And she actually called out the wrong name. 1020 00:59:57,500 --> 00:59:59,136 I didn't think that could happen. 1021 00:59:59,137 --> 01:00:00,916 She called out the wrong name. And when I heard that I thought: 1022 01:00:00,917 --> 01:00:04,167 'How would you ever recover from something like that?' 1023 01:00:04,168 --> 01:00:05,826 You'd be destroyed! 1024 01:00:06,104 --> 01:00:09,840 But then I realized, you know, it wouldn't even have to be the wrong name. 1025 01:00:09,841 --> 01:00:12,426 Somebody could just say your name in the wrong way. 1026 01:00:12,761 --> 01:00:15,672 Because everybody wants to hear: "Oh, John!" 1027 01:00:15,722 --> 01:00:18,325 But you don't want to hear: "John!" 1028 01:00:20,961 --> 01:00:22,174 Or: 1029 01:00:22,288 --> 01:00:23,583 "John?" 1030 01:00:32,206 --> 01:00:38,017 But the very worst, you know, patronizing, comforting one: "Ohhoho, John." 1031 01:00:38,998 --> 01:00:41,160 These things can change your life! 1032 01:00:45,222 --> 01:00:47,466 Ladies and gentlemen, that is all from me. 1033 01:00:47,466 --> 01:00:48,461 Thank you very much for coming. 1034 01:00:48,461 --> 01:00:50,390 I've enjoyed talking to you. Good night. 1035 01:01:28,849 --> 01:01:33,809 Ok…you know..quickly 'cause... 1036 01:01:33,810 --> 01:01:35,478 you've got to go. Hm? 1037 01:01:37,921 --> 01:01:39,877 Listen, the thing is... 1038 01:01:39,878 --> 01:01:43,393 you will get to a certain point in your lives. 1039 01:01:43,394 --> 01:01:45,494 You get older, you know. 1040 01:01:45,596 --> 01:01:47,569 You may have read about it. And... 1041 01:01:48,443 --> 01:01:50,744 people don't age well in this country. 1042 01:01:50,958 --> 01:01:52,610 Look at them... 1043 01:01:52,611 --> 01:01:54,712 You see continental people, tourists, they come around,... 1044 01:01:54,713 --> 01:01:57,462 you know the people who are bicycling around in their red and yellow cagoules... 1045 01:01:57,462 --> 01:01:59,374 pointing at cathedrals... 1046 01:01:59,375 --> 01:02:01,238 With springy white hair... 1047 01:02:01,239 --> 01:02:04,009 and rimless, lenseless, glassless spectacles. 1048 01:02:04,010 --> 01:02:05,863 Having a wonderful time… Living on yoghurt,... 1049 01:02:05,864 --> 01:02:07,362 going home and having sex... 1050 01:02:07,363 --> 01:02:10,410 even though they're eighty-three hundred years old. 1051 01:02:10,956 --> 01:02:13,468 It doesn't happen like that here, in Britainand Ireland. 1052 01:02:13,469 --> 01:02:15,843 You see people aging. It's all wrong. They're wearing brown. 1053 01:02:15,844 --> 01:02:17,830 They're at bus stops. They bend over... 1054 01:02:18,125 --> 01:02:21,285 holding a half a tin of cat food in a plastic bag. 1055 01:02:21,919 --> 01:02:25,205 Talking about the weather they haven't seen in the last 15 years. 1056 01:02:26,629 --> 01:02:29,126 Mumbling rubbish… getting closer to the graves... 1057 01:02:29,127 --> 01:02:31,961 so they don't have that far to jump when it actually opens up. 1058 01:02:31,962 --> 01:02:34,380 Denying their vitality. 1059 01:02:34,381 --> 01:02:38,292 That's not the way we should age. You should be as alive as can until you're totally dead. 1060 01:02:40,220 --> 01:02:42,780 In all respects. In every sphere. 1061 01:02:43,271 --> 01:02:45,818 It is...wait! I think you see... 1062 01:02:45,819 --> 01:02:47,917 this is a popular movement. 1063 01:02:47,918 --> 01:02:51,143 It is of course dangerous. You have to take advice. 1064 01:02:51,144 --> 01:02:53,898 You know, you can't be gung-ho about it. 1065 01:02:53,899 --> 01:02:56,457 If you're going to make love to somebody and you're very, very old and they're... 1066 01:02:56,458 --> 01:02:58,831 very, very old you have to be sensible. 1067 01:02:58,832 --> 01:03:01,947 It is...I hate to use the word 'lube' but I just have. 1068 01:03:02,195 --> 01:03:04,665 You have to pretend you're swimming the Channel. 1069 01:03:05,212 --> 01:03:08,450 It's...look you change, you all... your body changes... 1070 01:03:08,451 --> 01:03:09,829 it's a tinder box down there. 1071 01:03:09,830 --> 01:03:13,896 It would be a terrible way to be found the next morning - two charred skeletons 1072 01:03:13,897 --> 01:03:16,915 still smouldering in the wheel-barrow position. 1073 01:03:16,916 --> 01:03:19,578 Nobody wants to be remembered like that. 1074 01:03:21,097 --> 01:03:24,084 You want to be remembered with affection... and dignity. 1075 01:03:24,085 --> 01:03:26,559 You might have to think about what you're going to say. 1076 01:03:26,560 --> 01:03:28,551 You might have to say something quite good. 1077 01:03:28,552 --> 01:03:31,683 You probably won't. You'll say something rubbish like: 1078 01:03:31,684 --> 01:03:35,020 "Do you think this is off?" They'll be the last words you'll ever say. 1079 01:03:35,730 --> 01:03:38,239 Or worse: "Hey everybody, watch this!" 1080 01:03:43,372 --> 01:03:45,722 But before you do... 1081 01:03:46,227 --> 01:03:52,409 it's great if you can meet the other person you're supposed to share this mystery with. 1082 01:03:52,512 --> 01:03:55,931 And you know when that happens I think. People know when that happens to them... 1083 01:03:56,035 --> 01:03:59,498 because you often meet that person at a particular time in your life. 1084 01:03:59,499 --> 01:04:01,711 Sometimes when you're young and poor. 1085 01:04:01,712 --> 01:04:04,009 You know, when you're living in a room. You're both live in rooms... 1086 01:04:04,009 --> 01:04:06,304 where you have all your #%@@… 'cause you're poor. 1087 01:04:06,305 --> 01:04:08,618 And it's lit by candlelight and you climb the stairs... 1088 01:04:08,619 --> 01:04:11,402 to that person's room. They've been to yours and now you're going to theirs. 1089 01:04:11,403 --> 01:04:13,000 It's serious. And... 1090 01:04:14,595 --> 01:04:16,832 you're standing opposite that person and there is a moment... 1091 01:04:16,832 --> 01:04:19,844 where you realize you're not looking at an expression of... 1092 01:04:19,845 --> 01:04:24,316 fleeting lust or some sort of passing of the time... 1093 01:04:24,317 --> 01:04:26,657 you know…in the surrounding befuddlement. 1094 01:04:26,658 --> 01:04:29,775 Where actually…you know each other… you know you want to be together. 1095 01:04:29,776 --> 01:04:32,583 And you realize it and it's an amazing moment when you... 1096 01:04:32,584 --> 01:04:35,646 the other person's actually taking their clothes off in front of you... 1097 01:04:35,647 --> 01:04:38,311 smiling from the very middle of themselves at you... 1098 01:04:38,312 --> 01:04:39,713 saying: "I want to be with you." 1099 01:04:39,714 --> 01:04:43,900 And you're looking at them with their bare shoulders all shimmering in this... 1100 01:04:43,901 --> 01:04:45,700 roseate candlelight. 1101 01:04:45,701 --> 01:04:48,688 And you realize this is the person for you. 1102 01:04:48,689 --> 01:04:49,803 And then... 1103 01:04:49,804 --> 01:04:52,516 and then the cage comes down! 1104 01:04:55,354 --> 01:04:57,958 And your mother jumps from the wardrobe! 1105 01:04:58,853 --> 01:05:02,214 With a cigarillo pointing out of the corner of her mouth... 1106 01:05:03,186 --> 01:05:05,810 and you kill her with a trowel. 1107 01:05:06,182 --> 01:05:09,044 Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for coming. Good night.