This programme contains very strong language and adult humour from the start.
# All my young black kings, rise up, man, this is our year
# And my young black queens right there
# It's been a long time comin', I swear
# If you don't turn this up, it's no fun... #
Hello, you cunts. Black power. How you doing?
LAUGHTER
I'm from here, I'm from Glasgow.
A city where people think that hepatitis B is a fucking vitamin.
LAUGHTER
It's a very different city from Edinburgh.
There's a far lower crime rate in Edinburgh.
Far fewer people get stabbed in Edinburgh.
But there is a tragic side to Edinburgh -
there are a lot more people there
who need stabbed.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Oh.
I should say, if you're not from here,
there's going to be quite a lot of swearing in this show.
Swearing is different in Scotland.
In Scotland, the word "fucking" is just a warning
that a noun is on its way.
LAUGHTER
I think the most I laughed last year -
I actually fell down onto my knees laughing at this -
I went to a personal trainer in Glasgow.
That's not the joke.
I went to a personal trainer, who had a moustache.
Now, when I tell English audiences this, they never quite get it,
but we know, don't we, any Scottish guy with a moustache
is fucking psychotic?
Remember like Graeme Souness back in the day?
LOW-PITCHED: They all speak as if they're...
trying to...hold back...
some kind of d-dreadful memory.
And this guy actually said this to me, right?
He went, "Mr Boyle, I can see from your food diary
"that yesterday for dinner
"you ate a bag of chocolate money."
HE GIGGLES
I didn't realise you could get sacked by a personal trainer.
It's weird getting older as well.
When I was a teenager,
ejaculating was like a fucking firework going off.
I'm 47 now.
When I ejaculate, it's like Tim Robbins escaping from Shawshank.
LAUGHTER
I think I get less interested in sex as I get less capable of having sex.
I couldn't really lift a woman up against a wall any more.
Depends on the wall, obviously,
but it's very few women's sexual fantasy
to be jack-knifed over a garden wall.
LAUGHTER
Your options really narrow in your 40s.
You're pretty much reduced to going out with people
that you've already gone out with -
the sexual equivalent of eating out of the bin.
LAUGHTER
I mean, there's upsides, obviously.
I've got kids now. That's amazing.
One of your orgasms now has a face.
It's mind-blowing.
But I grew up...
I grew up working class and always in a relationship,
so now to be middle-class and single,
I find myself thinking things I've never thought before.
"Try not to come on the good sofa."
LAUGHTER
I don't really give a shit about my appearance.
I think I stopped caring about my appearance
when I realised the reason that women weren't having sex with me
was my personality.
LAUGHTER
I actually recently donated my body to science,
after it was rejected by necrophilia.
Don't knock necrophilia -
it's the only truly victimless crime.
LAUGHTER AND GASPS
Look, some of this show is going to be fucking grim, right?
People get the wrong idea about me.
They think I'm depressed or something. I'm not depressed.
I don't wish that I was dead. I wish...
..that you were all dead.
We had a scandal around Comic Relief this year.
Now, I've always felt that Comic Relief should be done
on a pay-as-you-laugh kind of a basis.
You watch it, you pay a little something every time you laugh.
Mrs Brown's Boys do a sketch and end up owing Chad £30 million.
LAUGHTER
But there was...
There was a scandal because Stacey Dooley instagrammed
a photo of herself with a wee Ugandan boy,
and MP David Lammy said, "Well, this has an element of white saviour complex to it."
I think it did, cos the colonial power in Uganda was Britain.
Then we send Comic Relief over there and go,
"These people have nothing -
"because we took it."
People say, "Why don't they send black celebrities?"
Well, we don't have a black version of Stacey Dooley.
That's why representation is so important.
Idris Elba can't do everything, right?
LAUGHTER
The guy is rushed off his feet at the minute.
Also, the way things are here just now,
if we sent Idris Elba to Uganda,
he wouldn't definitely be allowed back into Britain.
LAUGHTER
Look, there's a colonial side to British charity. It's true.
Look at Yemen, right?
We're the number one provider of weapons and bombs
and expertise to Saudi Arabia that they used to bomb Yemen
to engineer a famine in Yemen.
At the same time, we're the number two provider of aid to Yemen.
And why not?
Life gives you Yemen - you give Yemen aid.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
FRANKIE LAUGHS
I turned 47 last month and my pal said to me,
"Do you know Biggie Smalls would have been 47 this year
"if he hadn't been shot?"
No, he wouldn't.
He wouldn't have made it past the invention of stuffed crust pizza.
LAUGHTER
I don't want to grow into one of these old, moany Scottish guys,
though, do you know what I mean?
Like, this happened to me, this is true.
I was having a wee snooze in a park in Glasgow one day, right?
Cos my career was going particularly well that year!
And an old guy came up to me and he went, "Do you know your problem?
"You're fucking unapproachable."
LAUGHTER
I'm not an ageist, though, certainly not sexually.
Cover my cock in scratchcard foil and throw me into the fucking bingo.
LAUGHTER
I think our old people get annoyed cos they don't get
the same respect that old people got when they were younger.
That's cos old people when they were younger
had fought against the Nazis.
All our old people have fought against is gay marriage
and type II diabetes.
LAUGHTER
There's upsides to it as well, obviously, you know.
My aunt and uncle, they were married for 52 years.
And do you know what? They died within hours of each other.
Because he nailed all the windows shut
before setting fire to the house.
We've got old people to thank for Brexit.
Now, I know it's very fashionable at the minute,
right, for people to go, everybody that voted for Brexit is stupid.
I really don't think that they are all stupid.
I think they're just people who voted
to put an end to immigration from Europe
because they don't like Pakistanis.
LAUGHTER
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
Imagine what it's like being an immigrant in Britain
at the minute, being told you need to integrate more by people
who spend their holidays pointing at a picture of egg and chips on a menu.
LAUGHTER
It's just fucking endless, Brexit, isn't it?
It'll never fucking end!
It will never fucking end.
It's like you've jumped out of one of the towers on 9/11
and just before you hit the ground someone opens a manhole cover.
LAUGHTER
I actually want a hard Brexit now.
I want to find out what happens when we run out of antibiotics.
"Oh, I've bitten my tongue. Goodbye.
"Goodbye, everybody."
Let's have a no-deal Brexit
and find out how many people with asthma are faking it.
LAUGHTER
That guy that owns Wetherspoons, Tim Wetherspoon, he's a big Brexiteer.
He said he's going to stop selling champagne in Wetherspoons.
LAUGHTER
Listen, mate, nobody who's drinking in Wetherspoons
is fucking celebrating, OK?
Also, while we're at it,
can we go back to writing "Men" and "Women" on the toilet doors in pubs,
cos I'm sick of trying to decode a rabbit in a top hat.
LAUGHTER
You make a snap judgment about a kitten wearing a monocle
and suddenly you're on the fucking sex offenders register.
LAUGHTER
AUDIENCE MEMBER COUGHS
That's a nasty cough you've got there, mate. Are you all right?
I can throw you a water from here.
You OK?
My uncle had that exact same cough.
And he died from cancer.
LAUGHTER
He was given three weeks to live.
He died in a week.
He willed himself to die like a fucking dolphin.
But do you know what he didn't do?
He didn't go out at night and ruin other people's entertainment.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
At least Theresa May went. I mean, she had to go, didn't she?
Towards the end she had all the authority
of the Do Not Tumble Dry label.
LAUGHTER
I mean, she always had the charm of a fucking war crime,
but towards the end her body language had gone.
I didn't realise it was possible to limp with both legs.
LAUGHTER
So now we've got Boris Johnson -
an evolutionary dead end of the Honey Monster.
LAUGHTER
A bin bag of albino body parts.
A cross between the Incredible Hulk and a Haribo fried egg...
LAUGHTER
..is the fucking Prime Minister!
The Prime Minister!
It's not just that he's the worst person for the job.
He might be the worst mammal.
LAUGHTER
And let's not forget how they create these people.
They're created in the public school system.
That's where they lose their empathy.
They're forged in a crucible of hierarchical sodomy.
That's why they don't get along.
The last time the Cabinet saw eye to eye
it was over the back of a weeping first year.
LAUGHTER
Incidentally, I'm not one of those people who thinks
there's a paedophile ring at Westminster.
I think it's probably more of a queue.
LAUGHTER
I tell you what gets me with Brexit, right, is these...
I'm looking forward to it, actually.
..these free-market Tories that have spent their whole career going,
"Let's let the market decide. The market will make that decision."
Seeing what happens once the market is exposed to scarcity,
once people can't get food any more, once they can't get medicine.
POSH ENGLISH ACCENT: "Oh, the market seems to have decided
"to drag me out of my front door, screaming.
"Oh, the market seems to be stringing me up from a lamp-post by my ankles.
"Oh, the market seems to have decided to slash my throat open
"and give me a jolly old halal send-off."
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
So, I don't believe in compassionate conservatism.
I think compassionate conservatism generally extends
to occasionally their MPs allow prostitutes to wear knee pads. Right?
Look at Jacob Rees-Mogg. Is he fucking compassionate?
He's so weird and elongated.
It's like his mum was too posh to dilate properly.
The reason I don't like Jacob Rees-Mogg
if he has this faux reasonableness to him, doesn't he?
And yet we know he voted against same-sex marriage.
We know he thinks that homosexual sex is prohibited by the Bible.
Where is any of that in the Gospel?
Who was gayer than Jesus?
Jesus is one of the gayest characters
in all of fiction.
It says in the Gospel, he rode an ass. Right?
LAUGHTER
Even if you don't think that...
HE GIGGLES
..he hung about with lepers!
Lepers!
Are you really saying he's going to be squeamish
about seeing two men kissing?
What's Jacob Rees-Mogg's argument?
"Jesus wouldn't have wanted to see a man
"with another man's cock in his hand...
"unless it had fallen off"?
LAUGHTER
What if our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ
is trying to reattach a leper's cock...
..and he accidentally wanks it a little, right?
When he's checking if it's back on, right?
HE LAUGHS
You've got to check if it's back on, haven't you?
It's not even an accident, really. Jesus is just being thorough.
You know, he's got a background in carpentry.
He's going to do a good fucking job of this thing, right.
What happens then?
Someone should ask Jacob Rees-Mogg this.
If you're ever in the audience at Question Time,
I want you to do this for me.
"A question for the whole panel, but Mr Rees-Mogg in particular.
"Yes, the Scottish gentleman with the moustache at the back there."
"What if our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ,
"is trying to reattach a leper's cock,
"and he accidentally wanks it a little?
"What happens then, sir?
"The public demand answers!"
So, I don't trust Jacob Rees-Mogg.
It looks like he owns the laboratory that Michael Gove escaped from.
I always think that Michael Gove looks like
he'd have porn on his computer that's so weird, it's legal.
An amputee comforting a lobster.
He's definitely the creepiest looking one, isn't he - Gove?
He sort of looks like a haunted ventriloquist's dummy,
carved from the yew tree that Operation Yewtree was named after.
It's like someone tried to cheer up the children on a cancer ward
by drawing a happy brain tumour.
LAUGHTER AND GASPS
Oh, and THAT was too much for some of you? OK.
Nice to know where the line is.
Childhood cancers, we'll stick to adult cancer from now on, don't worry.
It's going to be fine.
I think there'll be upsides to Brexit, obviously.
I think it'll be nice for the Irish to watch a British famine.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I wonder if English politicians have just forgotten
what Northern Ireland is like?
To me, Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland,
are like two halves of one bipolar personality.
"Let's get the jolly old fiddle out..."
"And stick it through some cunt's head."
It terrifies me over there.
Even just the number of places that begin with the word "Kill".
"I'm from Kill-a-few-more.
"Just up the road from Kill-em-all-again."
To explain what's it like to you, right?
This is true, this happened to me.
I did a gig a couple of years ago in Belfast.
It was technically,
technically it was for Sinn Fein, right?
It was a festival of Irish language or something, right?
So, I go over... Well, when I'm announced as being on there,
there are fucking protests, right?
There's, like, pickets and stuff in the street, right?
And on some quite profound level,
I don't give a fuck.
So, I thought, "Well, I'll do it anyway."
But when we get off the ferry, we get met by these two guys,
one of whom looked like a pretty successful heavyweight boxer.
I said, "Who are you?" And he went, "I'm here as an adviser."
And my support act at the time, he's a great big jolly character,
he went, "What would you say if I said
"you seem like something a wee bit more than an adviser?"
IRISH ACCENT: "I'd advise you to shut the fuck up."
My parents are from Donegal.
I know it's very fashionable at the minute
for comedians to have their parents on a TV show with them.
Not an option if your parents are 80 and from Donegal.
"I don't trust elevators.
"And I'll tell you what else I don't trust...
..ham."
LOW-PITCHED: My parents have very, very mournful
Donegal voices. Very, very sad voices indeed.
My dad could make the lyrics to Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah,
sound like a fucking cancer diagnosis.
An adult cancer diagnosis, I would add.
I know we've got limits around here.
HE GIGGLES
When I was growing up there, there was still quite a lot
of anti-Irish racism in Glasgow, which had two parts to it.
One was Irish people are really stupid
and the other part was Irish people are taking Scottish folks' work.
Which wasn't even true, right?
It's an incredible self-own, when you think about it.
"If they import any more idiots, I'm going to be out of a fucking job here."
The Irish people finding it quite ironic
that it took the Scottish people a long time to get that one.
When I first went down to London as a teenager,
that had anti-Scottish racism and that had two parts to it.
One was Scottish people are all alcoholics. And I was.
And the other part was Scottish people are all really mean.
They're really tight with money. That doesn't even make sense!
I don't know how many alcoholics you've met.
They tend not to be brilliant at budgeting.
Of all the mornings I woke up, going,
"Oh, what the fuck did I do last night?"
I never discovered that I'd changed energy provider.
Oh, here's a joke that goes really differently in England
from the way it goes in Scotland. See if you can work out why.
When I was at school, there were two guys in my class,
who were really badly bullied,
but luckily it didn't affect them in later life,
because they both committed suicide.
I'm not kidding, that gets a huge laugh in England.
That gets a huge, uncomplicated laugh,
whereas by the time you get to Glasgow, people are going,
"Yeah, they probably did, yeah.
Sad story."
I was taken down from my school's wall of fame.
I salute them for doing it, I admire them for doing it.
It was cos I did a joke about this guy and he was a brilliant guy.
He was a wonderful human being,
but it was his job to teach us sex education.
So, he came round once a month and preached the withdrawal method.
And he had nine children.
And a twitch.
I'm always amazed the Catholic Church
still take the moral high ground about anything,
after the stuff the priests did.
Even that incense was just so that they could create a fog
that they could emerge from.
You'd smell that at school, everyone would scatter.
One wee asthmatic boy would go missing.
"What happened to Gregor?
The last I saw he was being raped by a cloud!"
I'm going to talk a wee bit about comedy,
and I know that it's not the most important subject
in the world at the minute.
I know the planet's dying.
People say the best thing you can do for the planet is to become a vegan.
I don't think so.
I think the best thing you can do for the planet
is to become a cannibal.
If you eat just one other person,
you've reduced your carbon footprint by 100%.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
If you really want to make a difference, eat a pilot.
When I started doing stand-up comedy,
the most famous comedian among comedians was Bill Hicks
and his most famous routine among comedians
was never do an advert or you're off the artistic roll call forever.
And I fucking loved all that.
And then as I got older, I started to do corporate shows,
and I really fucking hated doing them.
So, maybe about eight, nine years ago I decided,
"Well, I'll do those when I get asked,
"but I'll just give the money to charity, right?"
And I felt good about myself, right?
I probably didn't achieve much, but at that point in life,
I just saw myself as keeping that money away from Michael McIntyre.
But, you know, then I thought, you know, if you did that,
and you felt good about yourself,
why don't you just do adverts and give the money away?
You know, cos I got offered adverts...
I got offered an advert by Scottish Blend.
Admittedly, I can't imagine what that advert could have been like.
"People who drink Tetley fuck kids."
You get these people, don't you,
and they'll probably always be with us, who get offended by comedy?
And I used to not mind, until it occurred to me one day,
most people who get offended by jokes watch porn.
Like, pretty much all of them.
There's someone right now watching torture porn, going,
"I hope nobody makes a joke about a fucking swimmer's nose."
And then you get these other people who defend comedy.
And they say, "Oh, this is a free speech issue."
It's not a free speech issue, it's an artistic licence issue.
You're allowed to talk about it, cos it's not real on some level, right?
I mean, there'll always be people who won't get it.
There's always those people that go,
"I think you'll find that if two blokes
"actually took a crocodile into a pub,
"there would be fucking carnage."
But it's not real, so we get to joke about it.
I think people sometimes get confused
with how they use humour in their own life with what this is.
So, most people use humour as a form of politeness, as an icebreaker.
This isn't that.
This is sentences that end in a very surprising way.
It's hard to surprise people politely.
"Scuse me, I'm terribly sorry...
..boo!"
I got a lot of flack a few years ago for doing some jokes
about the Paralympic opening ceremony,
and I've never seen why you wouldn't do exactly the same jokes
about the Paralympic opening ceremony
that you do about the Olympic opening ceremony.
They're literally the same occasion
and the jokes had a point to them. They weren't just mockery.
Right, so the one... the one the papers hated the most
was the Saudi Arabian Paralympic team are mainly thieves.
Which has a point, right? It's about Sharia law.
There's nothing worse than going to bed,
thinking you've tweeted some funny jokes
about the Paralympic opening ceremony
and waking up to find out that Channel 4
will never work with you again
and you've received several hundred angry tweets in Arabic.
I don't care what anyone says,
there's nothing scarier than Arabic, plus an exclamation mark.
What was the other one they hated?
Oh, yeah, the British paralympic team
holds the world high jump record,
but to be fair, it was Taliban-assisted.
Also has a point, right?
Not everybody has to like the point,
but the point is, in among all these distractions,
Britain was still fighting two wars.
So, I don't like people who lash out at jokes.
At the same time,
I don't like people who lash out at political correctness.
I think it's lazy
and I think it sometimes encourages people
to dismantle stuff that protects them.
So, I'll give you an example.
There's a guy I talk to a lot in Glasgow, he's a homeless guy
and he was an alcoholic.
I suppose that's why I talk to him, cos I was an alcoholic.
In fact, papers, when they have a go at me,
they still write that. They put, "Alcoholic Frankie Boyle".
That's a really strange way to attack someone,
by bringing up the time in life when they were happiest.
Oh, by the way, I only get this in London.
Have you ever heard this? People go, "Don't give him money.
"He'll only spend it on beer and fags."
I'd always assumed that they were spending it on beer and fags.
I've never given money to a homeless guy and thought,
"Well, I hope he's putting that into his ISA."
So, I was talking to this guy, the last time I saw him and I went,
"What would you say is your biggest problem in life at the minute?"
And he went, "Do you know my biggest problem, Frankie?
"It's all these fucking snowflakes in the media."
It can't be!
It just literally fucking cannot be!
You're sleeping rough on the streets of Glasgow!
Your biggest problem is actual flakes of fucking snow?
So, I was thinking about all this recently.
I was watching Netflix. I had food poisoning a couple of weeks ago,
so I was lying on the sofa,
trusting every fart about as much as an e-mail from a Nigerian general.
And I watched Ricky Gervais' new stand-up special
and he does a big bit in it about trans women.
Now, I've got nothing but love for trans women,
I've got nothing but love and support for trans folk in general,
but they themselves would admit,
it's a very contentious issue, that people try not to talk about
and Ricky Gervais, obviously, he's a very powerful guy in show business.
So, nobody, really, who had the best years of their career ahead of them
would tell you what they thought of that routine.
Ricky Gervais, he does maybe 15 minutes where he goes,
"Well, if a trans woman can say that they're a woman,
"I can say that I'm a chimpanzee. I'm a chimpanzee."
And my genuine reaction was, it's not that much weirder
than Ricky Gervais saying that he's a stand-up comedian.
I mean, look, we know Ricky Gervais, he's a brilliant actor,
he's a brilliant writer, he's not a fucking stand-up comedian!
Just cos Ricky Gervais self-identifies
as a stand-up comedian, am I supposed to say that he is one?
It's fucking political correctness gone mad!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Also, loving animals - brilliant, wonderful.
Going on about loving animals?
Suspect.
So, I watched the whole of Ricky Gervais' show,
and I felt a bit like Fred Astaire watching a guy in callipers
fall down a fucking escalator.
And then I watched Hannah Gadsby's show, Nanette.
Now, it's a really great show. You should watch it if you get the chance.
She talks a lot in it about comedy
and her main point is that she feels that
herself, as an oppressed person,
she's often used her comedy to let the audience off too lightly.
She makes a lot of really good points.
I think the problem with stand-up comedy is that it simplifies stuff.
It's hard to get at the truth
when you've got to get a lot of regular laughs
and sometimes I think, "Am I trying to get to the truth here?
"Or am I just trying to tell funnier lies?"
So, for example, I think she simplifies some stuff in her show.
She says stand-up comedy works by creating a tension
in the audience, that's then punctured with a punch line.
I don't think mine works like that.
You know, I think, for me, the tension arrives in the punch line.
My uncle always said, "Do something you love
"and you'll never work a day in your life."
He did heroin.
The tension arrives in the punch line
and the set-up line is almost supposed to be soothing, really.
People say, don't they,
they say that you only regret the things that you don't do?
I don't know who said that first,
but it's someone who's never broken two corkscrews,
trying to get an unlubricated parsnip out of their arse.
The tension arrives...
..in the punch line.
When I first started doing stand-up comedy,
I used to compere comedy clubs in Glasgow and Edinburgh,
The Stand Comedy Club mainly and usually at a weekend.
And at the time, comedy gold in Scotland was doing a ned voice.
NED VOICE: "What the fuck's that all about?
"What're you fucking talking about?"
People fucking loved stuff about neds
and I'm sure I'm not blameless, right?
I remember I had a line about the sort of women
who announced they're pregnant by switching to menthol fags.
But it was that voice, that was what people wanted, right?
See if you told the truth about that voice?
I don't think it could have been contained within a comedy show.
Certainly not at a weekend.
NED VOICE: "What's that fucking ned voice all about?"
Well, it probably comes from the fact that they're brought up
in single parent families, by their mothers.
And that's the pitch of a woman's voice with anxiety in it,
as she tries to raise her children to some kind of safety,
while compartmentalising her own upbringing
of horrendous neglect and abuse.
Anyway, it's time for your headline act. Let's get him on here.
So, sometimes, right, I write stuff now and I go,
"Am I really rebelling there? Or am I just conforming?"
Cos our society works on conformity.
People talk about racist cops.
They don't select for racism.
There isn't a test where they go, "I'm afraid you've failed.
"You've answered several questions
"about the history of Motown correctly."
They test you for conformity,
so that you'll just nod along with structural racism.
And sometimes I say to myself, "Well, am I conforming?"
It's like...
I compered Live At The Apollo a couple of years ago,
which is a type of conforming in itself.
And, at the time, you're supposed to do jokes
on all these celebrities that they've got down the front.
And one of them is this really brilliant female boxer,
who I really admired, I'd followed her whole career.
And I'd written this joke I was really proud of,
which was, at the Olympics, in the women's boxing,
they fought in two-minute rounds, which was good,
because if it had been three-minute rounds,
I think I would have ejaculated my own pelvis.
And, you know, I really laughed when I wrote that.
I thought, "That's fucking hilarious,"
because you'd never say that to someone's face, would you?
And then as I was walking to the show, I was thinking,
"People DO say that kind of thing."
People said that kind of thing at school, especially me.
People say it now on social media,
so am I just fucking conforming here?
And what am I conforming with?
A deeply sexist society?
Life is different for women in Britain, right?
Women have to assess men before they go out with them,
cos men are dangerous. Men are violent.
That's why women are obsessed with true crime podcasts.
They're doing research for their relationships.
Men don't have to assess women.
That's why we can objectify them so quickly.
On some level, we don't really give a fuck.
A man can see a woman with a heavy cold
and all he'd think would be,
"I would rattle that fucking phlegm loose."
But, look, look, that stuff bleeds over into real life.
We could argue about how much, but now we get, like,
men's rights activists, you know,
campaigning for all the shit they campaign for.
Fucking anonymity for rape suspects.
Presumably they don't want them
to lose the advantage of surprise or something.
You know, sometimes, you know, I'll write something and go,
I can't lift that out of the society it occurs in and go,
"Ha-ha-ha, that's objectively funny."
And then I thought, "Well, could I do those jokes
"if I played in a more gender equal society?"
Could I do one gig a year in Sweden, where I really fucking let rip?
Maybe, like, Valentine's night once a year in Stockholm,
I just run onstage and go,
"You only wear a condom if you're going to let her live."
And the fucking...
The Swedish people are on their feet applauding,
there's tears of laughter and emotion running down their faces.
"His work is greatly misunderstood."
I think the absolute intersection of British misogyny and racism
is that Shamima Begum case.
If we were really a compassionate society,
they'd have brought her back, but made her finish school.
"Yeah, this essay about what you did on your holidays last year..."
If we were really about redemption,
she'd be getting a This Morning makeover right now.
"First up, we're going to sew your clitoris back on."
LAUGHTER AND GASPS
See, I'm quite interested in the reaction to that.
It varies, doesn't it?
I think it's cos of what we've just been talking about.
See, when I write those jokes now,
which I think are funny, but sort of empathy-less sometimes,
I usually think to myself,
"You're probably missing the real joke then."
Like the real joke there
is probably something to do with the British state
having a go at someone for getting involved
in a war in the Middle East that's got fuck-all to do with them.
It's like...
It's like the Pope throwing out his R Kelly CDs.
APPLAUSE
I'm quite a shy person in real life. I am.
I'm quite a reserved person. I don't make a lot of eye contact.
And yet I will lock eyes.
I will lock eyes with a shitting dog.
Been thinking of getting a dog.
My mates keep going, "Why don't you get a rescue dog?
"Get one of they rescue dogs."
"Yeah. Why don't you marry someone that's been in fucking prison?
"Cos it's fucked in the head!"
"Oh, shall we get a nice wee puppy?"
"No, I want something that's fucked in the head.
"Let's...
"Let's have it fucking lie beside us as we sleep
"and maybe eat our faces."
Rescue dogs are paedophiles' puppies that have grown up.
They should all be put down. OK?
I don't really think that. I don't.
I don't really think that in any way.
I do think that getting a dog says something about you.
It says, "I'm so lonely that I could pick up shit."
I don't mind people getting a dog, it's when they get a second dog,
cos the spaniel's seen through them.
"Let's hope this labrador's a bit less judgmental."
I got one of those iPhones that you unlock
with facial recognition technology.
I think the trick is to set it to your come face.
So, if you get mugged for your phone,
at least they're going to have to wank you off first.
Got to be careful online, haven't you?
Only last year my Facebook account
was taken over by a malicious sex predator,
when I suddenly remembered my password.
There's always a moment for everyone, isn't there?
There's always a moment when you lose your childhood innocence.
For me, I think it was the moment when I realised
that Santa's sperm tasted exactly the same as my dad's.
The tension arrives...
..in the punch line.
If I hadn't been a comedian,
I think the job I'd have liked to have had -
I'd have liked to have been a binman.
That's the one job where you can really shout your fucking head off
all day long, isn't it?
IS THAT A BIN OVER THERE?
I'LL GO AND GET IT!
I'LL BRING IT BACK UP TO THE BIN LORRY!
THERE'S ANOTHER ONE!
YOU GET THAT ONE!
I'LL MEET YOU UP AT THE BIN LORRY!
I'LL DRIVE THE BIN LORRY FORWARD A BIT!
YOUS TWO GET THE BINS!
They could do that job in complete fucking silence, couldn't they?
Just have a wee meeting at the start of the shift every day where they go,
"Let's agree that when we're out there today
"we're going to pick up all the bins.
"Put them on the bin lorry."
I'm going to leave yous with one final piece of advice.
And my advice is...
..never trust the super rich.
What's the first thing they do when they get rich?
They buy a yacht. Ever been on a yacht?
It's like being in a two-star hotel on fucking roller skates.
The only reason anyone would want to own a yacht
is so that they can abduct children,
sail them into international waters,
fuck them and dispose of their bodies.
And that's what everyone who owns a yacht is doing. OK?
Is doing.
I don't care who it is. JK Rowling. Right?
I have to say, for legal reasons,
that JK Rowling is not fucking and killing children...
..in international waters,
to the best of my knowledge.
That's what's happening out there. Sea levels aren't rising.
It's just the weight of dead, fucked kids.
The sea isn't even salty.
Do you know, there are now hotels for the super-rich
that are so exclusive that when you phone down
and ask for an extra pillow,
that's actually a code word.
It's actually a code word for a prostitute?
Imagine that. You phone down and ask for an extra pillow...
..and a prostitute turns up.
Now you have two prostitutes.
And only one pillow to smother them with.
Let's hear it one time for all you lovely hard-working staff.
Thank you!
Been a pleasure talking to yous, take care of yourselves.
All the best. Black power!