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This programme contains
very strong language and
adult humour from the start.
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# All my young black kings,
rise up, man, this is our year
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# And my young black queens
right there
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# It's been a long time comin',
I swear
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# If you don't turn this up,
it's no fun... #
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Hello, you cunts. Black power.
How you doing?
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LAUGHTER
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I'm from here, I'm from Glasgow.
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A city where people think that
hepatitis B is a fucking vitamin.
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LAUGHTER
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It's a very different
city from Edinburgh.
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There's a far lower crime rate
in Edinburgh.
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Far fewer people get
stabbed in Edinburgh.
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But there is a tragic side
to Edinburgh -
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there are a lot more people there
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who need stabbed.
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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
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Oh.
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I should say,
if you're not from here,
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there's going to be quite
a lot of swearing in this show.
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Swearing is different in Scotland.
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In Scotland, the word "fucking"
is just a warning
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that a noun is on its way.
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LAUGHTER
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I think the most I laughed
last year -
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I actually fell down onto my knees
laughing at this -
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I went to a personal trainer
in Glasgow.
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That's not the joke.
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I went to a personal trainer,
who had a moustache.
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Now, when I tell English audiences
this, they never quite get it,
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but we know, don't we,
any Scottish guy with a moustache
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is fucking psychotic?
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Remember like Graeme Souness
back in the day?
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LOW-PITCHED:
They all speak as if they're...
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trying to...hold back...
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some kind of d-dreadful memory.
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And this guy actually said
this to me, right?
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He went, "Mr Boyle, I can
see from your food diary
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"that yesterday for dinner
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"you ate a bag of chocolate money."
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HE GIGGLES
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I didn't realise you could get
sacked by a personal trainer.
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It's weird getting older as well.
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When I was a teenager,
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ejaculating was like a fucking
firework going off.
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I'm 47 now.
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When I ejaculate, it's like
Tim Robbins escaping from Shawshank.
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LAUGHTER
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I think I get less interested in sex
as I get less capable of having sex.
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I couldn't really lift a woman up
against a wall any more.
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Depends on the wall, obviously,
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but it's very few women's
sexual fantasy
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to be jack-knifed over
a garden wall.
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LAUGHTER
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Your options really narrow
in your 40s.
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You're pretty much reduced to
going out with people
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that you've already gone out with -
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the sexual equivalent of eating
out of the bin.
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LAUGHTER
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I mean, there's upsides, obviously.
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I've got kids now. That's amazing.
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One of your orgasms now has a face.
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It's mind-blowing.
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But I grew up...
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I grew up working class
and always in a relationship,
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so now
to be middle-class and single,
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I find myself thinking things
I've never thought before.
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"Try not to come on the good sofa."
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LAUGHTER
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I don't really give
a shit about my appearance.
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I think I stopped caring about
my appearance
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when I realised the reason that
women weren't having sex with me
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was my personality.
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LAUGHTER
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I actually recently
donated my body to science,
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after it was rejected
by necrophilia.
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Don't knock necrophilia -
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it's the only truly
victimless crime.
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LAUGHTER AND GASPS
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Look, some of this show is going to
be fucking grim, right?
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People get the wrong idea about me.
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They think I'm depressed or
something. I'm not depressed.
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I don't wish that I was dead.
I wish...
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..that you were all dead.
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We had a scandal around
Comic Relief this year.
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Now, I've always felt that
Comic Relief should be done
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on a pay-as-you-laugh
kind of a basis.
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You watch it, you pay a little
something every time you laugh.
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Mrs Brown's Boys do a sketch
and end up owing Chad £30 million.
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LAUGHTER
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But there was...
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There was a scandal
because Stacey Dooley instagrammed
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a photo of herself with a wee
Ugandan boy,
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and MP David Lammy said, "Well,
this has an element of white saviour
complex to it."
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I think it did, cos the colonial
power in Uganda was Britain.
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Then we send Comic Relief over
there and go,
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"These people have nothing -
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"because we took it."
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People say, "Why don't
they send black celebrities?"
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Well, we don't have a black
version of Stacey Dooley.
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That's why representation is
so important.
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Idris Elba can't do everything,
right?
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LAUGHTER
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The guy is rushed off his feet
at the minute.
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Also, the way things are
here just now,
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if we sent Idris Elba to Uganda,
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he wouldn't definitely be allowed
back into Britain.
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LAUGHTER
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Look, there's a colonial side to
British charity. It's true.
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Look at Yemen, right?
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We're the number one
provider of weapons and bombs
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and expertise to Saudi Arabia
that they used to bomb Yemen
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to engineer a famine in Yemen.
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At the same time, we're the number
two provider of aid to Yemen.
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And why not?
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Life gives you Yemen -
you give Yemen aid.
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LAUGHTER
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APPLAUSE
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FRANKIE LAUGHS
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I turned 47 last month
and my pal said to me,
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"Do you know Biggie Smalls would
have been 47 this year
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"if he hadn't been shot?"
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No, he wouldn't.
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He wouldn't have made it past the
invention of stuffed crust pizza.
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LAUGHTER
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I don't want to grow into one
of these old, moany Scottish guys,
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though, do you know what I mean?
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Like, this happened to me,
this is true.
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I was having a wee snooze in a park
in Glasgow one day, right?
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Cos my career was going
particularly well that year!
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And an old guy came up to me and
he went, "Do you know your problem?
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"You're fucking unapproachable."
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LAUGHTER
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I'm not an ageist, though,
certainly not sexually.
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Cover my cock in scratchcard foil
and throw me into the fucking bingo.
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LAUGHTER
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I think our old people get annoyed
cos they don't get
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the same respect that old people got
when they were younger.
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That's cos old people
when they were younger
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had fought against the Nazis.
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All our old people have
fought against is gay marriage
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and type II diabetes.
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LAUGHTER
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There's upsides to it as well,
obviously, you know.
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My aunt and uncle, they were married
for 52 years.
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And do you know what? They died
within hours of each other.
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Because he nailed all the
windows shut
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before setting fire to the house.
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We've got old people to thank
for Brexit.
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Now, I know it's very
fashionable at the minute,
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right, for people to go, everybody
that voted for Brexit is stupid.
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I really don't think that
they are all stupid.
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I think they're just people
who voted
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to put an end to immigration
from Europe
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because they don't like Pakistanis.
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LAUGHTER
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CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
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Imagine what it's like being
an immigrant in Britain
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at the minute, being told you
need to integrate more by people
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who spend their holidays pointing at
a picture of egg and chips
on a menu.
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LAUGHTER
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It's just fucking endless, Brexit,
isn't it?
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It'll never fucking end!
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It will never fucking end.
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It's like you've jumped
out of one of the towers on 9/11
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and just before you hit the ground
someone opens a manhole cover.
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LAUGHTER
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I actually want a hard Brexit now.
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I want to find out what happens
when we run out of antibiotics.
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"Oh, I've bitten my tongue. Goodbye.
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"Goodbye, everybody."
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Let's have a no-deal Brexit
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and find out how many people
with asthma are faking it.
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LAUGHTER
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That guy that owns Wetherspoons, Tim
Wetherspoon, he's a big Brexiteer.
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He said he's going to stop selling
champagne in Wetherspoons.
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LAUGHTER
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Listen, mate, nobody who's drinking
in Wetherspoons
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is fucking celebrating, OK?
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Also, while we're at it,
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can we go back to writing "Men" and
"Women" on the toilet doors in pubs,
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cos I'm sick of trying to decode
a rabbit in a top hat.
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LAUGHTER
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You make a snap judgment
about a kitten wearing a monocle
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and suddenly you're on the fucking
sex offenders register.
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LAUGHTER
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AUDIENCE MEMBER COUGHS
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That's a nasty cough you've got
there, mate. Are you all right?
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I can throw you a water from here.
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You OK?
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My uncle had that exact same cough.
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And he died from cancer.
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LAUGHTER
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He was given three weeks to live.
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He died in a week.
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He willed himself to die
like a fucking dolphin.
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But do you know what he didn't do?
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He didn't go out at night and ruin
other people's entertainment.
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LAUGHTER
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00:10:34,960 --> 00:10:36,960
APPLAUSE
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At least Theresa May went.
I mean, she had to go, didn't she?
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Towards the end she had all
the authority
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of the Do Not Tumble Dry label.
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LAUGHTER
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I mean, she always had
the charm of a fucking war crime,
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but towards the end
her body language had gone.
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I didn't realise it was possible
to limp with both legs.
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LAUGHTER
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So now we've got Boris Johnson -
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an evolutionary dead end
of the Honey Monster.
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LAUGHTER
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A bin bag of albino body parts.
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A cross between the Incredible Hulk
and a Haribo fried egg...
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LAUGHTER
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..is the fucking Prime Minister!
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The Prime Minister!
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It's not just that he's the worst
person for the job.
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He might be the worst mammal.
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LAUGHTER
220
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And let's not forget how
they create these people.
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They're created
in the public school system.
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That's where they lose
their empathy.
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They're forged in a crucible
of hierarchical sodomy.
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That's why they don't get along.
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The last time the Cabinet
saw eye to eye
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it was over the back
of a weeping first year.
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LAUGHTER
228
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Incidentally, I'm not one of those
people who thinks
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00:12:06,800 --> 00:12:09,200
there's a paedophile ring
at Westminster.
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I think it's probably more
of a queue.
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LAUGHTER
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I tell you what gets me with Brexit,
right, is these...
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I'm looking forward to it, actually.
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00:12:21,840 --> 00:12:25,240
..these free-market Tories that have
spent their whole career going,
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"Let's let the market decide.
The market will make that decision."
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Seeing what happens once the market
is exposed to scarcity,
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once people can't get food any more,
once they can't get medicine.
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POSH ENGLISH ACCENT: "Oh, the market
seems to have decided
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"to drag me out of my
front door, screaming.
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"Oh, the market seems to be
stringing me up from a lamp-post
by my ankles.
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"Oh, the market seems to have
decided to slash my throat open
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"and give me a jolly old
halal send-off."
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LAUGHTER
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APPLAUSE
245
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So, I don't believe in
compassionate conservatism.
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I think compassionate conservatism
generally extends
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to occasionally their MPs allow
prostitutes to wear knee pads.
Right?
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00:13:14,120 --> 00:13:16,880
Look at Jacob Rees-Mogg.
Is he fucking compassionate?
249
00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:18,840
He's so weird and elongated.
250
00:13:19,800 --> 00:13:22,760
It's like his mum was too posh
to dilate properly.
251
00:13:28,080 --> 00:13:30,320
The reason I don't like
Jacob Rees-Mogg
252
00:13:30,320 --> 00:13:33,040
if he has this faux reasonableness
to him, doesn't he?
253
00:13:33,040 --> 00:13:36,560
And yet we know he voted against
same-sex marriage.
254
00:13:36,560 --> 00:13:42,920
We know he thinks that homosexual
sex is prohibited by the Bible.
255
00:13:42,920 --> 00:13:45,400
Where is any of that in the Gospel?
256
00:13:45,400 --> 00:13:48,160
Who was gayer than Jesus?
257
00:13:49,200 --> 00:13:51,800
Jesus is one of the gayest
characters
258
00:13:51,800 --> 00:13:53,600
in all of fiction.
259
00:13:56,280 --> 00:13:59,120
It says in the Gospel,
he rode an ass. Right?
260
00:13:59,120 --> 00:14:00,320
LAUGHTER
261
00:14:02,520 --> 00:14:04,280
Even if you don't think that...
262
00:14:04,280 --> 00:14:05,600
HE GIGGLES
263
00:14:05,600 --> 00:14:08,040
..he hung about with lepers!
264
00:14:08,040 --> 00:14:09,560
Lepers!
265
00:14:09,560 --> 00:14:11,760
Are you really saying he's going to
be squeamish
266
00:14:11,760 --> 00:14:13,560
about seeing two men kissing?
267
00:14:13,560 --> 00:14:15,480
What's Jacob Rees-Mogg's argument?
268
00:14:15,480 --> 00:14:17,360
"Jesus wouldn't have wanted
to see a man
269
00:14:17,360 --> 00:14:19,960
"with another man's cock
in his hand...
270
00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:21,840
"unless it had fallen off"?
271
00:14:21,840 --> 00:14:23,720
LAUGHTER
272
00:14:24,880 --> 00:14:27,680
What if our Lord and Saviour
Jesus Christ
273
00:14:27,680 --> 00:14:30,200
is trying to reattach
a leper's cock...
274
00:14:31,240 --> 00:14:34,280
..and he accidentally wanks it
a little, right?
275
00:14:34,280 --> 00:14:36,960
When he's checking if it's
back on, right?
276
00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:39,480
HE LAUGHS
277
00:14:39,480 --> 00:14:41,880
You've got to check if it's
back on, haven't you?
278
00:14:43,280 --> 00:14:46,360
It's not even an accident, really.
Jesus is just being thorough.
279
00:14:46,360 --> 00:14:49,200
You know, he's got
a background in carpentry.
280
00:14:49,200 --> 00:14:52,000
He's going to do a good fucking
job of this thing, right.
281
00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:55,240
What happens then?
282
00:14:55,240 --> 00:14:57,960
Someone should ask
Jacob Rees-Mogg this.
283
00:14:57,960 --> 00:15:00,040
If you're ever in the audience
at Question Time,
284
00:15:00,040 --> 00:15:01,680
I want you to do this for me.
285
00:15:02,840 --> 00:15:07,080
"A question for the whole panel,
but Mr Rees-Mogg in particular.
286
00:15:07,080 --> 00:15:11,000
"Yes, the Scottish gentleman with
the moustache at the back there."
287
00:15:14,120 --> 00:15:17,520
"What if our Lord and Saviour,
Jesus Christ,
288
00:15:17,520 --> 00:15:21,440
"is trying to reattach
a leper's cock,
289
00:15:21,440 --> 00:15:25,200
"and he accidentally wanks it
a little?
290
00:15:25,200 --> 00:15:27,880
"What happens then, sir?
291
00:15:27,880 --> 00:15:30,160
"The public demand answers!"
292
00:15:38,600 --> 00:15:40,360
So, I don't trust Jacob Rees-Mogg.
293
00:15:40,360 --> 00:15:44,440
It looks like he owns the laboratory
that Michael Gove escaped from.
294
00:15:47,160 --> 00:15:49,400
I always think that Michael Gove
looks like
295
00:15:49,400 --> 00:15:54,480
he'd have porn on his computer
that's so weird, it's legal.
296
00:15:54,480 --> 00:15:57,360
An amputee comforting a lobster.
297
00:16:00,080 --> 00:16:03,840
He's definitely the creepiest
looking one, isn't he - Gove?
298
00:16:03,840 --> 00:16:07,320
He sort of looks like
a haunted ventriloquist's dummy,
299
00:16:07,320 --> 00:16:11,560
carved from the yew tree that
Operation Yewtree was named after.
300
00:16:12,960 --> 00:16:16,040
It's like someone tried to cheer up
the children on a cancer ward
301
00:16:16,040 --> 00:16:18,640
by drawing a happy brain tumour.
302
00:16:18,640 --> 00:16:19,680
LAUGHTER AND GASPS
303
00:16:21,160 --> 00:16:25,000
Oh, and THAT was too much
for some of you? OK.
304
00:16:25,000 --> 00:16:27,560
Nice to know where the line is.
305
00:16:27,560 --> 00:16:31,960
Childhood cancers, we'll stick
to adult cancer from now on,
don't worry.
306
00:16:31,960 --> 00:16:33,200
It's going to be fine.
307
00:16:35,040 --> 00:16:37,920
I think there'll be upsides
to Brexit, obviously.
308
00:16:37,920 --> 00:16:41,280
I think it'll be nice for the Irish
to watch a British famine.
309
00:16:45,480 --> 00:16:48,320
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
310
00:16:50,280 --> 00:16:53,160
I wonder if English politicians
have just forgotten
311
00:16:53,160 --> 00:16:55,400
what Northern Ireland is like?
312
00:16:55,400 --> 00:16:58,440
To me, Northern Ireland
and the Republic of Ireland,
313
00:16:58,440 --> 00:17:02,880
are like two halves
of one bipolar personality.
314
00:17:02,880 --> 00:17:04,880
"Let's get the
jolly old fiddle out..."
315
00:17:04,880 --> 00:17:07,320
"And stick it through
some cunt's head."
316
00:17:12,040 --> 00:17:14,440
It terrifies me over there.
317
00:17:14,440 --> 00:17:18,200
Even just the number of places
that begin with the word "Kill".
318
00:17:18,200 --> 00:17:21,240
"I'm from Kill-a-few-more.
319
00:17:21,240 --> 00:17:23,680
"Just up the road
from Kill-em-all-again."
320
00:17:29,040 --> 00:17:31,600
To explain what's it like
to you, right?
321
00:17:31,600 --> 00:17:33,200
This is true, this happened to me.
322
00:17:33,200 --> 00:17:36,200
I did a gig a couple
of years ago in Belfast.
323
00:17:36,200 --> 00:17:37,520
It was technically,
324
00:17:37,520 --> 00:17:40,240
technically
it was for Sinn Fein, right?
325
00:17:40,240 --> 00:17:44,640
It was a festival of Irish language
or something, right?
326
00:17:44,640 --> 00:17:48,000
So, I go over... Well, when I'm
announced as being on there,
327
00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:50,280
there are fucking protests, right?
328
00:17:50,280 --> 00:17:52,920
There's, like, pickets and stuff
in the street, right?
329
00:17:52,920 --> 00:17:56,000
And on some quite profound level,
330
00:17:56,000 --> 00:17:57,680
I don't give a fuck.
331
00:17:57,680 --> 00:17:59,840
So, I thought, "Well, I'll do
it anyway."
332
00:17:59,840 --> 00:18:02,760
But when we get off the ferry,
we get met by these two guys,
333
00:18:02,760 --> 00:18:07,800
one of whom looked like a pretty
successful heavyweight boxer.
334
00:18:07,800 --> 00:18:11,800
I said, "Who are you?" And he went,
"I'm here as an adviser."
335
00:18:11,800 --> 00:18:14,800
And my support act at the time,
he's a great big jolly character,
336
00:18:14,800 --> 00:18:16,760
he went, "What would you say
if I said
337
00:18:16,760 --> 00:18:19,560
"you seem like something
a wee bit more than an adviser?"
338
00:18:19,560 --> 00:18:22,080
IRISH ACCENT: "I'd advise you to
shut the fuck up."
339
00:18:27,760 --> 00:18:31,120
My parents are from Donegal.
340
00:18:31,120 --> 00:18:33,600
I know it's very fashionable
at the minute
341
00:18:33,600 --> 00:18:37,120
for comedians to have their parents
on a TV show with them.
342
00:18:37,120 --> 00:18:41,120
Not an option if your parents
are 80 and from Donegal.
343
00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:44,280
"I don't trust elevators.
344
00:18:45,520 --> 00:18:48,200
"And I'll tell you what else
I don't trust...
345
00:18:48,200 --> 00:18:49,480
..ham."
346
00:18:51,280 --> 00:18:54,920
LOW-PITCHED: My parents have very,
very mournful
347
00:18:54,920 --> 00:18:59,200
Donegal voices. Very, very sad
voices indeed.
348
00:18:59,200 --> 00:19:04,280
My dad could make the lyrics
to Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah,
349
00:19:04,280 --> 00:19:08,520
sound like a fucking
cancer diagnosis.
350
00:19:10,040 --> 00:19:14,520
An adult cancer diagnosis,
I would add.
351
00:19:14,520 --> 00:19:17,200
I know we've got limits around here.
352
00:19:17,200 --> 00:19:19,880
HE GIGGLES
353
00:19:21,400 --> 00:19:23,640
When I was growing up there,
there was still quite a lot
354
00:19:23,640 --> 00:19:26,960
of anti-Irish racism in Glasgow,
which had two parts to it.
355
00:19:26,960 --> 00:19:29,160
One was
Irish people are really stupid
356
00:19:29,160 --> 00:19:33,280
and the other part was Irish people
are taking Scottish folks' work.
357
00:19:33,280 --> 00:19:35,480
Which wasn't even true, right?
358
00:19:35,480 --> 00:19:39,280
It's an incredible self-own,
when you think about it.
359
00:19:39,280 --> 00:19:42,440
"If they import any more idiots,
I'm going to be out
of a fucking job here."
360
00:19:49,760 --> 00:19:51,840
The Irish people
finding it quite ironic
361
00:19:51,840 --> 00:19:55,360
that it took the Scottish people
a long time to get that one.
362
00:19:57,840 --> 00:20:00,520
When I first went down to London
as a teenager,
363
00:20:00,520 --> 00:20:03,920
that had anti-Scottish racism
and that had two parts to it.
364
00:20:03,920 --> 00:20:08,160
One was Scottish people are all
alcoholics. And I was.
365
00:20:08,160 --> 00:20:12,080
And the other part was Scottish
people are all really mean.
366
00:20:12,080 --> 00:20:15,200
They're really tight with money.
That doesn't even make sense!
367
00:20:15,200 --> 00:20:17,760
I don't know how many alcoholics
you've met.
368
00:20:17,760 --> 00:20:21,240
They tend not to be brilliant
at budgeting.
369
00:20:23,520 --> 00:20:25,600
Of all the mornings
I woke up, going,
370
00:20:25,600 --> 00:20:28,120
"Oh, what the fuck
did I do last night?"
371
00:20:28,120 --> 00:20:32,080
I never discovered that
I'd changed energy provider.
372
00:20:40,120 --> 00:20:43,480
Oh, here's a joke that goes really
differently in England
373
00:20:43,480 --> 00:20:46,600
from the way it goes in Scotland.
See if you can work out why.
374
00:20:46,600 --> 00:20:49,520
When I was at school, there were two
guys in my class,
375
00:20:49,520 --> 00:20:51,520
who were really badly bullied,
376
00:20:51,520 --> 00:20:54,240
but luckily it didn't affect them
in later life,
377
00:20:54,240 --> 00:20:56,680
because they both committed suicide.
378
00:21:00,320 --> 00:21:03,720
I'm not kidding, that gets a huge
laugh in England.
379
00:21:03,720 --> 00:21:06,800
That gets a huge,
uncomplicated laugh,
380
00:21:06,800 --> 00:21:09,120
whereas by the time you get to
Glasgow, people are going,
381
00:21:09,120 --> 00:21:12,040
"Yeah, they probably did, yeah.
382
00:21:12,040 --> 00:21:14,520
Sad story."
383
00:21:16,040 --> 00:21:21,000
I was taken down from my school's
wall of fame.
384
00:21:21,000 --> 00:21:24,240
I salute them for doing it,
I admire them for doing it.
385
00:21:24,240 --> 00:21:27,680
It was cos I did a joke about this
guy and he was a brilliant guy.
386
00:21:27,680 --> 00:21:29,400
He was a wonderful human being,
387
00:21:29,400 --> 00:21:33,360
but it was his job to teach
us sex education.
388
00:21:33,360 --> 00:21:37,800
So, he came round once a month
and preached the withdrawal method.
389
00:21:37,800 --> 00:21:40,640
And he had nine children.
390
00:21:43,080 --> 00:21:44,960
And a twitch.
391
00:21:53,280 --> 00:21:55,360
I'm always amazed
the Catholic Church
392
00:21:55,360 --> 00:21:57,800
still take the moral high ground
about anything,
393
00:21:57,800 --> 00:21:59,880
after the stuff the priests did.
394
00:21:59,880 --> 00:22:03,720
Even that incense was just so that
they could create a fog
395
00:22:03,720 --> 00:22:06,400
that they could emerge from.
396
00:22:09,920 --> 00:22:13,920
You'd smell that at school,
everyone would scatter.
397
00:22:13,920 --> 00:22:17,800
One wee asthmatic boy
would go missing.
398
00:22:17,800 --> 00:22:20,240
"What happened to Gregor?
399
00:22:20,240 --> 00:22:23,840
The last I saw
he was being raped by a cloud!"
400
00:22:35,120 --> 00:22:38,320
I'm going to talk a wee bit
about comedy,
401
00:22:38,320 --> 00:22:41,840
and I know that it's not the most
important subject
402
00:22:41,840 --> 00:22:43,560
in the world at the minute.
403
00:22:43,560 --> 00:22:45,720
I know the planet's dying.
404
00:22:45,720 --> 00:22:49,320
People say the best thing you can do
for the planet is to become a vegan.
405
00:22:49,320 --> 00:22:50,400
I don't think so.
406
00:22:50,400 --> 00:22:52,520
I think the best thing
you can do for the planet
407
00:22:52,520 --> 00:22:54,480
is to become a cannibal.
408
00:22:57,000 --> 00:22:58,920
If you eat just one other person,
409
00:22:58,920 --> 00:23:02,120
you've reduced your
carbon footprint by 100%.
410
00:23:04,520 --> 00:23:06,200
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
411
00:23:08,720 --> 00:23:12,320
If you really want to make
a difference, eat a pilot.
412
00:23:17,640 --> 00:23:20,120
When I started doing
stand-up comedy,
413
00:23:20,120 --> 00:23:23,440
the most famous comedian
among comedians was Bill Hicks
414
00:23:23,440 --> 00:23:26,040
and his most famous routine
among comedians
415
00:23:26,040 --> 00:23:30,880
was never do an advert or you're off
the artistic roll call forever.
416
00:23:30,880 --> 00:23:32,600
And I fucking loved all that.
417
00:23:32,600 --> 00:23:35,840
And then as I got older,
I started to do corporate shows,
418
00:23:35,840 --> 00:23:38,080
and I really fucking hated
doing them.
419
00:23:38,080 --> 00:23:40,720
So, maybe about eight, nine years
ago I decided,
420
00:23:40,720 --> 00:23:42,440
"Well, I'll do those
when I get asked,
421
00:23:42,440 --> 00:23:44,520
"but I'll just give the money
to charity, right?"
422
00:23:44,520 --> 00:23:46,320
And I felt good about myself, right?
423
00:23:46,320 --> 00:23:48,800
I probably didn't achieve much,
but at that point in life,
424
00:23:48,800 --> 00:23:53,200
I just saw myself as keeping that
money away from Michael McIntyre.
425
00:23:57,080 --> 00:23:59,720
But, you know, then I thought,
you know, if you did that,
426
00:23:59,720 --> 00:24:01,120
and you felt good about yourself,
427
00:24:01,120 --> 00:24:03,440
why don't you just do adverts
and give the money away?
428
00:24:03,440 --> 00:24:05,080
You know, cos I got offered
adverts...
429
00:24:05,080 --> 00:24:07,720
I got offered an advert
by Scottish Blend.
430
00:24:07,720 --> 00:24:13,280
Admittedly, I can't imagine what
that advert could have been like.
431
00:24:13,280 --> 00:24:16,080
"People who drink Tetley fuck kids."
432
00:24:26,720 --> 00:24:28,360
You get these people, don't you,
433
00:24:28,360 --> 00:24:31,480
and they'll probably always be
with us, who get offended by comedy?
434
00:24:31,480 --> 00:24:34,720
And I used to not mind, until it
occurred to me one day,
435
00:24:34,720 --> 00:24:38,400
most people who get offended by
jokes watch porn.
436
00:24:38,400 --> 00:24:40,200
Like, pretty much all of them.
437
00:24:40,200 --> 00:24:42,920
There's someone right now watching
torture porn, going,
438
00:24:42,920 --> 00:24:46,800
"I hope nobody makes a joke
about a fucking swimmer's nose."
439
00:24:49,440 --> 00:24:52,280
And then you get these other
people who defend comedy.
440
00:24:52,280 --> 00:24:54,800
And they say, "Oh, this is a free
speech issue."
441
00:24:54,800 --> 00:24:58,360
It's not a free speech issue,
it's an artistic licence issue.
442
00:24:58,360 --> 00:25:02,560
You're allowed to talk about it, cos
it's not real on some level, right?
443
00:25:02,560 --> 00:25:05,120
I mean, there'll always be people
who won't get it.
444
00:25:05,120 --> 00:25:06,800
There's always those people that go,
445
00:25:06,800 --> 00:25:09,280
"I think you'll find
that if two blokes
446
00:25:09,280 --> 00:25:12,120
"actually took a crocodile
into a pub,
447
00:25:12,120 --> 00:25:14,600
"there would be fucking carnage."
448
00:25:20,280 --> 00:25:23,400
But it's not real,
so we get to joke about it.
449
00:25:23,400 --> 00:25:25,840
I think people sometimes
get confused
450
00:25:25,840 --> 00:25:29,680
with how they use humour in their
own life with what this is.
451
00:25:29,680 --> 00:25:33,480
So, most people use humour as a form
of politeness, as an icebreaker.
452
00:25:33,480 --> 00:25:34,880
This isn't that.
453
00:25:34,880 --> 00:25:38,520
This is sentences that end
in a very surprising way.
454
00:25:38,520 --> 00:25:41,640
It's hard to surprise
people politely.
455
00:25:41,640 --> 00:25:43,240
"Scuse me, I'm terribly sorry...
456
00:25:43,240 --> 00:25:44,920
..boo!"
457
00:25:47,400 --> 00:25:50,160
I got a lot of flack a few years
ago for doing some jokes
458
00:25:50,160 --> 00:25:53,080
about the Paralympic
opening ceremony,
459
00:25:53,080 --> 00:25:56,520
and I've never seen why you wouldn't
do exactly the same jokes
460
00:25:56,520 --> 00:25:58,480
about the Paralympic
opening ceremony
461
00:25:58,480 --> 00:26:00,480
that you do about the Olympic
opening ceremony.
462
00:26:00,480 --> 00:26:02,800
They're literally the same occasion
463
00:26:02,800 --> 00:26:06,000
and the jokes had a point to them.
They weren't just mockery.
464
00:26:06,000 --> 00:26:10,440
Right, so the one...
the one the papers hated the most
465
00:26:10,440 --> 00:26:15,960
was the Saudi Arabian Paralympic
team are mainly thieves.
466
00:26:23,800 --> 00:26:27,080
Which has a point, right?
It's about Sharia law.
467
00:26:27,080 --> 00:26:28,800
There's nothing worse than
going to bed,
468
00:26:28,800 --> 00:26:30,680
thinking you've tweeted
some funny jokes
469
00:26:30,680 --> 00:26:32,560
about the Paralympic
opening ceremony
470
00:26:32,560 --> 00:26:34,720
and waking up to find out
that Channel 4
471
00:26:34,720 --> 00:26:36,960
will never work with you again
472
00:26:36,960 --> 00:26:42,560
and you've received several hundred
angry tweets in Arabic.
473
00:26:42,560 --> 00:26:43,960
I don't care what anyone says,
474
00:26:43,960 --> 00:26:48,200
there's nothing scarier than
Arabic, plus an exclamation mark.
475
00:26:52,080 --> 00:26:53,680
What was the other one they hated?
476
00:26:53,680 --> 00:26:56,320
Oh, yeah, the British
paralympic team
477
00:26:56,320 --> 00:26:58,520
holds the world high jump record,
478
00:26:58,520 --> 00:27:01,880
but to be fair,
it was Taliban-assisted.
479
00:27:06,640 --> 00:27:08,360
Also has a point, right?
480
00:27:08,360 --> 00:27:10,720
Not everybody has to like the point,
481
00:27:10,720 --> 00:27:14,120
but the point is,
in among all these distractions,
482
00:27:14,120 --> 00:27:16,280
Britain was still fighting two wars.
483
00:27:16,280 --> 00:27:18,520
So, I don't like people
who lash out at jokes.
484
00:27:18,520 --> 00:27:19,920
At the same time,
485
00:27:19,920 --> 00:27:22,560
I don't like people who lash out
at political correctness.
486
00:27:22,560 --> 00:27:24,160
I think it's lazy
487
00:27:24,160 --> 00:27:26,760
and I think it sometimes
encourages people
488
00:27:26,760 --> 00:27:30,280
to dismantle stuff
that protects them.
489
00:27:30,280 --> 00:27:31,520
So, I'll give you an example.
490
00:27:31,520 --> 00:27:34,200
There's a guy I talk to a lot in
Glasgow, he's a homeless guy
491
00:27:34,200 --> 00:27:35,400
and he was an alcoholic.
492
00:27:35,400 --> 00:27:37,920
I suppose that's why I talk to him,
cos I was an alcoholic.
493
00:27:37,920 --> 00:27:39,800
In fact, papers, when they have a go
at me,
494
00:27:39,800 --> 00:27:42,560
they still write that. They put,
"Alcoholic Frankie Boyle".
495
00:27:42,560 --> 00:27:45,000
That's a really strange way
to attack someone,
496
00:27:45,000 --> 00:27:48,960
by bringing up the time in life
when they were happiest.
497
00:27:52,800 --> 00:27:55,040
Oh, by the way, I only get this
in London.
498
00:27:55,040 --> 00:27:57,720
Have you ever heard this? People go,
"Don't give him money.
499
00:27:57,720 --> 00:28:00,080
"He'll only spend it on beer
and fags."
500
00:28:00,080 --> 00:28:03,640
I'd always assumed that they were
spending it on beer and fags.
501
00:28:03,640 --> 00:28:05,840
I've never given money to a homeless
guy and thought,
502
00:28:05,840 --> 00:28:08,160
"Well, I hope he's putting
that into his ISA."
503
00:28:12,720 --> 00:28:15,720
So, I was talking to this guy,
the last time I saw him and I went,
504
00:28:15,720 --> 00:28:19,080
"What would you say is your biggest
problem in life at the minute?"
505
00:28:19,080 --> 00:28:21,560
And he went, "Do you know my
biggest problem, Frankie?
506
00:28:21,560 --> 00:28:24,560
"It's all these fucking snowflakes
in the media."
507
00:28:24,560 --> 00:28:25,960
It can't be!
508
00:28:25,960 --> 00:28:29,160
It just literally fucking cannot be!
509
00:28:29,160 --> 00:28:32,200
You're sleeping rough on the streets
of Glasgow!
510
00:28:32,200 --> 00:28:36,440
Your biggest problem is actual
flakes of fucking snow?
511
00:28:38,880 --> 00:28:41,240
So, I was thinking about
all this recently.
512
00:28:41,240 --> 00:28:45,480
I was watching Netflix. I had food
poisoning a couple of weeks ago,
513
00:28:45,480 --> 00:28:47,400
so I was lying on the sofa,
514
00:28:47,400 --> 00:28:52,080
trusting every fart about as much as
an e-mail from a Nigerian general.
515
00:28:55,600 --> 00:29:00,040
And I watched Ricky Gervais'
new stand-up special
516
00:29:00,040 --> 00:29:02,880
and he does a big bit in it
about trans women.
517
00:29:02,880 --> 00:29:05,080
Now, I've got nothing but love
for trans women,
518
00:29:05,080 --> 00:29:08,280
I've got nothing but love and
support for trans folk in general,
519
00:29:08,280 --> 00:29:10,120
but they themselves would admit,
520
00:29:10,120 --> 00:29:13,080
it's a very contentious issue,
that people try not to talk about
521
00:29:13,080 --> 00:29:16,960
and Ricky Gervais, obviously, he's a
very powerful guy in show business.
522
00:29:16,960 --> 00:29:21,320
So, nobody, really, who had the best
years of their career ahead of them
523
00:29:21,320 --> 00:29:24,040
would tell you what they thought
of that routine.
524
00:29:28,240 --> 00:29:31,200
Ricky Gervais, he does maybe
15 minutes where he goes,
525
00:29:31,200 --> 00:29:33,760
"Well, if a trans woman can
say that they're a woman,
526
00:29:33,760 --> 00:29:37,080
"I can say that I'm a chimpanzee.
I'm a chimpanzee."
527
00:29:37,080 --> 00:29:40,680
And my genuine reaction was,
it's not that much weirder
528
00:29:40,680 --> 00:29:43,800
than Ricky Gervais saying that he's
a stand-up comedian.
529
00:29:45,560 --> 00:29:48,680
I mean, look, we know Ricky Gervais,
he's a brilliant actor,
530
00:29:48,680 --> 00:29:51,960
he's a brilliant writer, he's not
a fucking stand-up comedian!
531
00:29:51,960 --> 00:29:54,920
Just cos Ricky Gervais
self-identifies
532
00:29:54,920 --> 00:29:58,720
as a stand-up comedian, am I
supposed to say that he is one?
533
00:29:58,720 --> 00:30:01,520
It's fucking political correctness
gone mad!
534
00:30:03,320 --> 00:30:05,800
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
535
00:30:07,400 --> 00:30:10,760
Also, loving animals -
brilliant, wonderful.
536
00:30:10,760 --> 00:30:12,480
Going on about loving animals?
537
00:30:12,480 --> 00:30:13,960
Suspect.
538
00:30:20,040 --> 00:30:22,840
So, I watched the whole of Ricky
Gervais' show,
539
00:30:22,840 --> 00:30:25,840
and I felt a bit like Fred Astaire
watching a guy in callipers
540
00:30:25,840 --> 00:30:27,920
fall down a fucking escalator.
541
00:30:32,080 --> 00:30:35,320
And then I watched Hannah
Gadsby's show, Nanette.
542
00:30:35,320 --> 00:30:38,440
Now, it's a really great show.
You should watch it
if you get the chance.
543
00:30:38,440 --> 00:30:40,960
She talks a lot in it about comedy
544
00:30:40,960 --> 00:30:44,240
and her main point is
that she feels that
545
00:30:44,240 --> 00:30:46,240
herself, as an oppressed person,
546
00:30:46,240 --> 00:30:50,560
she's often used her comedy to
let the audience off too lightly.
547
00:30:50,560 --> 00:30:52,440
She makes a lot of really
good points.
548
00:30:52,440 --> 00:30:56,000
I think the problem with stand-up
comedy is that it simplifies stuff.
549
00:30:56,000 --> 00:30:57,520
It's hard to get at the truth
550
00:30:57,520 --> 00:30:59,880
when you've got to get a lot
of regular laughs
551
00:30:59,880 --> 00:31:02,280
and sometimes I think, "Am I trying
to get to the truth here?
552
00:31:02,280 --> 00:31:05,120
"Or am I just trying to tell
funnier lies?"
553
00:31:05,120 --> 00:31:07,760
So, for example, I think she
simplifies some stuff in her show.
554
00:31:07,760 --> 00:31:10,840
She says stand-up comedy works
by creating a tension
555
00:31:10,840 --> 00:31:14,920
in the audience, that's then
punctured with a punch line.
556
00:31:14,920 --> 00:31:16,640
I don't think mine works like that.
557
00:31:16,640 --> 00:31:21,440
You know, I think, for me, the
tension arrives in the punch line.
558
00:31:21,440 --> 00:31:24,040
My uncle always said,
"Do something you love
559
00:31:24,040 --> 00:31:26,120
"and you'll never work a day
in your life."
560
00:31:26,120 --> 00:31:27,720
He did heroin.
561
00:31:34,080 --> 00:31:36,160
The tension arrives
in the punch line
562
00:31:36,160 --> 00:31:40,720
and the set-up line is almost
supposed to be soothing, really.
563
00:31:40,720 --> 00:31:42,160
People say, don't they,
564
00:31:42,160 --> 00:31:44,880
they say that you only regret
the things that you don't do?
565
00:31:44,880 --> 00:31:46,720
I don't know who said that first,
566
00:31:46,720 --> 00:31:49,480
but it's someone who's never broken
two corkscrews,
567
00:31:49,480 --> 00:31:53,160
trying to get an unlubricated
parsnip out of their arse.
568
00:31:58,800 --> 00:32:00,160
The tension arrives...
569
00:32:01,560 --> 00:32:03,000
..in the punch line.
570
00:32:05,280 --> 00:32:07,280
When I first started doing
stand-up comedy,
571
00:32:07,280 --> 00:32:09,800
I used to compere comedy clubs
in Glasgow and Edinburgh,
572
00:32:09,800 --> 00:32:13,080
The Stand Comedy Club mainly
and usually at a weekend.
573
00:32:13,080 --> 00:32:16,680
And at the time, comedy gold in
Scotland was doing a ned voice.
574
00:32:16,680 --> 00:32:18,480
NED VOICE: "What the fuck's that
all about?
575
00:32:18,480 --> 00:32:20,080
"What're you fucking talking about?"
576
00:32:20,080 --> 00:32:23,080
People fucking loved stuff
about neds
577
00:32:23,080 --> 00:32:25,360
and I'm sure I'm not blameless,
right?
578
00:32:25,360 --> 00:32:28,000
I remember I had a line
about the sort of women
579
00:32:28,000 --> 00:32:31,160
who announced they're pregnant
by switching to menthol fags.
580
00:32:33,840 --> 00:32:37,800
But it was that voice,
that was what people wanted, right?
581
00:32:37,800 --> 00:32:40,480
See if you told the truth
about that voice?
582
00:32:40,480 --> 00:32:43,520
I don't think it could have been
contained within a comedy show.
583
00:32:43,520 --> 00:32:45,080
Certainly not at a weekend.
584
00:32:45,080 --> 00:32:47,360
NED VOICE: "What's that fucking
ned voice all about?"
585
00:32:47,360 --> 00:32:50,040
Well, it probably comes from the
fact that they're brought up
586
00:32:50,040 --> 00:32:52,280
in single parent families,
by their mothers.
587
00:32:52,280 --> 00:32:55,400
And that's the pitch of a woman's
voice with anxiety in it,
588
00:32:55,400 --> 00:32:58,640
as she tries to raise her children
to some kind of safety,
589
00:32:58,640 --> 00:33:00,960
while compartmentalising
her own upbringing
590
00:33:00,960 --> 00:33:03,280
of horrendous neglect and abuse.
591
00:33:03,280 --> 00:33:06,320
Anyway, it's time for your headline
act. Let's get him on here.
592
00:33:12,680 --> 00:33:15,360
So, sometimes, right, I write stuff
now and I go,
593
00:33:15,360 --> 00:33:19,080
"Am I really rebelling there?
Or am I just conforming?"
594
00:33:19,080 --> 00:33:21,800
Cos our society works on conformity.
595
00:33:21,800 --> 00:33:24,080
People talk about racist cops.
596
00:33:24,080 --> 00:33:26,040
They don't select for racism.
597
00:33:26,040 --> 00:33:28,600
There isn't a test where they go,
"I'm afraid you've failed.
598
00:33:28,600 --> 00:33:30,280
"You've answered several questions
599
00:33:30,280 --> 00:33:32,360
"about the history of Motown
correctly."
600
00:33:33,760 --> 00:33:35,600
They test you for conformity,
601
00:33:35,600 --> 00:33:38,680
so that you'll just nod
along with structural racism.
602
00:33:38,680 --> 00:33:42,320
And sometimes I say to myself,
"Well, am I conforming?"
603
00:33:42,320 --> 00:33:43,720
It's like...
604
00:33:43,720 --> 00:33:46,800
I compered Live At The Apollo
a couple of years ago,
605
00:33:46,800 --> 00:33:49,080
which is a type of conforming
in itself.
606
00:33:49,080 --> 00:33:51,400
And, at the time, you're supposed
to do jokes
607
00:33:51,400 --> 00:33:54,160
on all these celebrities that
they've got down the front.
608
00:33:54,160 --> 00:33:56,880
And one of them is this
really brilliant female boxer,
609
00:33:56,880 --> 00:33:59,240
who I really admired, I'd followed
her whole career.
610
00:33:59,240 --> 00:34:01,480
And I'd written this joke
I was really proud of,
611
00:34:01,480 --> 00:34:04,920
which was, at the Olympics,
in the women's boxing,
612
00:34:04,920 --> 00:34:07,240
they fought in two-minute rounds,
which was good,
613
00:34:07,240 --> 00:34:09,080
because if it had been
three-minute rounds,
614
00:34:09,080 --> 00:34:12,080
I think I would have ejaculated
my own pelvis.
615
00:34:17,400 --> 00:34:19,480
And, you know, I really laughed
when I wrote that.
616
00:34:19,480 --> 00:34:21,480
I thought,
"That's fucking hilarious,"
617
00:34:21,480 --> 00:34:25,520
because you'd never say that to
someone's face, would you?
618
00:34:25,520 --> 00:34:27,800
And then as I was walking
to the show, I was thinking,
619
00:34:27,800 --> 00:34:29,680
"People DO say that kind of thing."
620
00:34:29,680 --> 00:34:33,400
People said that kind of thing
at school, especially me.
621
00:34:33,400 --> 00:34:35,560
People say it now on social media,
622
00:34:35,560 --> 00:34:37,640
so am I just fucking
conforming here?
623
00:34:37,640 --> 00:34:39,680
And what am I conforming with?
624
00:34:39,680 --> 00:34:41,960
A deeply sexist society?
625
00:34:41,960 --> 00:34:45,280
Life is different for women
in Britain, right?
626
00:34:45,280 --> 00:34:48,280
Women have to assess men
before they go out with them,
627
00:34:48,280 --> 00:34:50,800
cos men are dangerous.
Men are violent.
628
00:34:50,800 --> 00:34:54,280
That's why women are obsessed
with true crime podcasts.
629
00:34:54,280 --> 00:34:58,080
They're doing research
for their relationships.
630
00:34:58,080 --> 00:35:00,000
Men don't have to assess women.
631
00:35:00,000 --> 00:35:02,280
That's why we can objectify them
so quickly.
632
00:35:02,280 --> 00:35:04,720
On some level, we don't really
give a fuck.
633
00:35:04,720 --> 00:35:07,560
A man can see a woman
with a heavy cold
634
00:35:07,560 --> 00:35:09,000
and all he'd think would be,
635
00:35:09,000 --> 00:35:12,760
"I would rattle that fucking
phlegm loose."
636
00:35:18,520 --> 00:35:22,480
But, look, look, that stuff
bleeds over into real life.
637
00:35:22,480 --> 00:35:24,880
We could argue about how much,
but now we get, like,
638
00:35:24,880 --> 00:35:27,160
men's rights activists, you know,
639
00:35:27,160 --> 00:35:29,600
campaigning for all the shit
they campaign for.
640
00:35:29,600 --> 00:35:33,600
Fucking anonymity for rape suspects.
641
00:35:33,600 --> 00:35:35,040
Presumably they don't want them
642
00:35:35,040 --> 00:35:37,920
to lose the advantage of surprise
or something.
643
00:35:39,880 --> 00:35:42,840
You know, sometimes, you know,
I'll write something and go,
644
00:35:42,840 --> 00:35:45,960
I can't lift that out of the
society it occurs in and go,
645
00:35:45,960 --> 00:35:48,680
"Ha-ha-ha,
that's objectively funny."
646
00:35:48,680 --> 00:35:52,360
And then I thought,
"Well, could I do those jokes
647
00:35:52,360 --> 00:35:55,560
"if I played in a more gender
equal society?"
648
00:35:55,560 --> 00:36:00,800
Could I do one gig a year in Sweden,
where I really fucking let rip?
649
00:36:00,800 --> 00:36:04,240
Maybe, like, Valentine's night
once a year in Stockholm,
650
00:36:04,240 --> 00:36:06,040
I just run onstage and go,
651
00:36:06,040 --> 00:36:08,880
"You only wear a condom
if you're going to let her live."
652
00:36:08,880 --> 00:36:11,360
And the fucking...
653
00:36:11,360 --> 00:36:15,440
The Swedish people are on
their feet applauding,
654
00:36:15,440 --> 00:36:18,920
there's tears of laughter and
emotion running down their faces.
655
00:36:18,920 --> 00:36:22,040
"His work is greatly misunderstood."
656
00:36:29,120 --> 00:36:36,560
I think the absolute intersection
of British misogyny and racism
657
00:36:36,560 --> 00:36:38,520
is that Shamima Begum case.
658
00:36:38,520 --> 00:36:41,360
If we were really
a compassionate society,
659
00:36:41,360 --> 00:36:45,480
they'd have brought her back,
but made her finish school.
660
00:36:45,480 --> 00:36:49,320
"Yeah, this essay about what you did
on your holidays last year..."
661
00:36:52,880 --> 00:36:54,560
If we were really about redemption,
662
00:36:54,560 --> 00:36:57,920
she'd be getting a This Morning
makeover right now.
663
00:36:57,920 --> 00:37:01,280
"First up, we're going to
sew your clitoris back on."
664
00:37:01,280 --> 00:37:02,320
LAUGHTER AND GASPS
665
00:37:09,360 --> 00:37:11,840
See, I'm quite interested
in the reaction to that.
666
00:37:11,840 --> 00:37:13,120
It varies, doesn't it?
667
00:37:13,120 --> 00:37:15,800
I think it's cos of what
we've just been talking about.
668
00:37:15,800 --> 00:37:17,640
See, when I write those jokes now,
669
00:37:17,640 --> 00:37:21,000
which I think are funny,
but sort of empathy-less sometimes,
670
00:37:21,000 --> 00:37:22,480
I usually think to myself,
671
00:37:22,480 --> 00:37:24,600
"You're probably missing
the real joke then."
672
00:37:24,600 --> 00:37:25,960
Like the real joke there
673
00:37:25,960 --> 00:37:28,800
is probably something to do
with the British state
674
00:37:28,800 --> 00:37:30,880
having a go at someone
for getting involved
675
00:37:30,880 --> 00:37:34,480
in a war in the Middle East that's
got fuck-all to do with them.
676
00:37:34,480 --> 00:37:35,680
It's like...
677
00:37:35,680 --> 00:37:38,840
It's like the Pope throwing out
his R Kelly CDs.
678
00:37:43,920 --> 00:37:46,920
APPLAUSE
679
00:37:48,600 --> 00:37:51,400
I'm quite a shy person in real life.
I am.
680
00:37:51,400 --> 00:37:54,640
I'm quite a reserved person.
I don't make a lot of eye contact.
681
00:37:54,640 --> 00:37:57,000
And yet I will lock eyes.
682
00:37:57,000 --> 00:38:00,600
I will lock eyes
with a shitting dog.
683
00:38:05,720 --> 00:38:07,080
Been thinking of getting a dog.
684
00:38:07,080 --> 00:38:09,200
My mates keep going, "Why don't you
get a rescue dog?
685
00:38:09,200 --> 00:38:10,920
"Get one of they rescue dogs."
686
00:38:10,920 --> 00:38:14,640
"Yeah. Why don't you marry someone
that's been in fucking prison?
687
00:38:14,640 --> 00:38:16,880
"Cos it's fucked in the head!"
688
00:38:20,280 --> 00:38:21,760
"Oh, shall we get a nice wee puppy?"
689
00:38:21,760 --> 00:38:23,720
"No, I want something that's
fucked in the head.
690
00:38:23,720 --> 00:38:25,400
"Let's...
691
00:38:25,400 --> 00:38:27,920
"Let's have it fucking lie beside us
as we sleep
692
00:38:27,920 --> 00:38:30,760
"and maybe eat our faces."
693
00:38:35,200 --> 00:38:38,040
Rescue dogs are paedophiles'
puppies that have grown up.
694
00:38:38,040 --> 00:38:41,720
They should all be put down. OK?
695
00:38:44,280 --> 00:38:46,640
I don't really think that. I don't.
696
00:38:46,640 --> 00:38:49,680
I don't really think that
in any way.
697
00:38:49,680 --> 00:38:53,040
I do think that getting a dog
says something about you.
698
00:38:53,040 --> 00:38:56,960
It says, "I'm so lonely
that I could pick up shit."
699
00:39:02,880 --> 00:39:05,600
I don't mind people getting a dog,
it's when they get a second dog,
700
00:39:05,600 --> 00:39:07,720
cos the spaniel's seen through them.
701
00:39:09,280 --> 00:39:12,760
"Let's hope this labrador's a bit
less judgmental."
702
00:39:21,360 --> 00:39:23,160
I got one of those iPhones
that you unlock
703
00:39:23,160 --> 00:39:26,400
with facial recognition
technology.
704
00:39:26,400 --> 00:39:28,840
I think the trick is to set
it to your come face.
705
00:39:30,320 --> 00:39:32,160
So, if you get mugged
for your phone,
706
00:39:32,160 --> 00:39:34,760
at least they're going to have
to wank you off first.
707
00:39:40,720 --> 00:39:42,480
Got to be careful online,
haven't you?
708
00:39:42,480 --> 00:39:44,560
Only last year my Facebook account
709
00:39:44,560 --> 00:39:47,640
was taken over by a malicious
sex predator,
710
00:39:47,640 --> 00:39:50,520
when I suddenly remembered
my password.
711
00:39:55,360 --> 00:39:57,600
There's always a moment for
everyone, isn't there?
712
00:39:57,600 --> 00:40:01,160
There's always a moment when
you lose your childhood innocence.
713
00:40:01,160 --> 00:40:03,920
For me, I think it was the moment
when I realised
714
00:40:03,920 --> 00:40:08,320
that Santa's sperm tasted exactly
the same as my dad's.
715
00:40:16,480 --> 00:40:18,280
The tension arrives...
716
00:40:20,760 --> 00:40:22,080
..in the punch line.
717
00:40:23,680 --> 00:40:25,160
If I hadn't been a comedian,
718
00:40:25,160 --> 00:40:27,160
I think the job I'd have liked
to have had -
719
00:40:27,160 --> 00:40:29,480
I'd have liked to have been
a binman.
720
00:40:29,480 --> 00:40:32,440
That's the one job where you can
really shout your fucking head off
721
00:40:32,440 --> 00:40:33,960
all day long, isn't it?
722
00:40:33,960 --> 00:40:36,360
IS THAT A BIN OVER THERE?
723
00:40:36,360 --> 00:40:38,600
I'LL GO AND GET IT!
724
00:40:38,600 --> 00:40:42,120
I'LL BRING IT BACK UP
TO THE BIN LORRY!
725
00:40:42,120 --> 00:40:44,680
THERE'S ANOTHER ONE!
726
00:40:44,680 --> 00:40:47,040
YOU GET THAT ONE!
727
00:40:47,040 --> 00:40:50,840
I'LL MEET YOU UP AT THE BIN LORRY!
728
00:40:50,840 --> 00:40:53,760
I'LL DRIVE THE BIN LORRY
FORWARD A BIT!
729
00:40:55,480 --> 00:40:58,080
YOUS TWO GET THE BINS!
730
00:41:03,680 --> 00:41:06,960
They could do that job in complete
fucking silence, couldn't they?
731
00:41:08,880 --> 00:41:12,960
Just have a wee meeting at the start
of the shift every day
where they go,
732
00:41:12,960 --> 00:41:14,960
"Let's agree that when we're out
there today
733
00:41:14,960 --> 00:41:17,080
"we're going to pick
up all the bins.
734
00:41:19,720 --> 00:41:21,800
"Put them on the bin lorry."
735
00:41:24,880 --> 00:41:30,000
I'm going to leave yous with one
final piece of advice.
736
00:41:30,000 --> 00:41:31,400
And my advice is...
737
00:41:32,400 --> 00:41:35,960
..never trust the super rich.
738
00:41:35,960 --> 00:41:38,760
What's the first thing they do
when they get rich?
739
00:41:38,760 --> 00:41:41,720
They buy a yacht.
Ever been on a yacht?
740
00:41:41,720 --> 00:41:46,040
It's like being in a two-star hotel
on fucking roller skates.
741
00:41:46,040 --> 00:41:49,960
The only reason anyone would want
to own a yacht
742
00:41:49,960 --> 00:41:53,480
is so that they can
abduct children,
743
00:41:53,480 --> 00:41:56,840
sail them into international waters,
744
00:41:56,840 --> 00:42:01,560
fuck them
and dispose of their bodies.
745
00:42:01,560 --> 00:42:07,600
And that's what everyone who owns
a yacht is doing. OK?
746
00:42:08,720 --> 00:42:10,680
Is doing.
747
00:42:10,680 --> 00:42:13,920
I don't care who it is.
JK Rowling. Right?
748
00:42:21,040 --> 00:42:22,560
I have to say, for legal reasons,
749
00:42:22,560 --> 00:42:26,520
that JK Rowling is not fucking
and killing children...
750
00:42:28,520 --> 00:42:31,280
..in international waters,
751
00:42:31,280 --> 00:42:33,280
to the best of my knowledge.
752
00:42:36,440 --> 00:42:39,840
That's what's happening out there.
Sea levels aren't rising.
753
00:42:44,920 --> 00:42:49,720
It's just the weight
of dead, fucked kids.
754
00:42:54,080 --> 00:42:55,920
The sea isn't even salty.
755
00:43:05,600 --> 00:43:08,840
Do you know, there are now
hotels for the super-rich
756
00:43:08,840 --> 00:43:11,680
that are so exclusive
that when you phone down
757
00:43:11,680 --> 00:43:13,440
and ask for an extra pillow,
758
00:43:13,440 --> 00:43:15,160
that's actually a code word.
759
00:43:15,160 --> 00:43:17,720
It's actually a code word
for a prostitute?
760
00:43:17,720 --> 00:43:21,040
Imagine that. You phone down and
ask for an extra pillow...
761
00:43:21,040 --> 00:43:23,640
..and a prostitute turns up.
762
00:43:23,640 --> 00:43:26,080
Now you have two prostitutes.
763
00:43:29,120 --> 00:43:31,960
And only one pillow
to smother them with.
764
00:43:34,920 --> 00:43:37,600
Let's hear it one time for all you
lovely hard-working staff.
765
00:43:37,600 --> 00:43:39,720
Thank you!
766
00:43:43,040 --> 00:43:45,520
Been a pleasure talking to yous,
take care of yourselves.
767
00:43:45,520 --> 00:43:47,440
All the best. Black power!