Would you like to step out and have a cigarette, Mr Graham?
No, thank you.
We'll call you as soon as we know.
No.
I understand.
She'll be alright now, Mr Graham.
Thank you.
Did you ever have any trouble with it before, Mr Graham?
Well, I have to take it in 2 or 3 times a week.
Which is somewhat inconvenient, but the car is well worth it.
2 or 3 times a week? How often do you drive it?
2 or 3 times a week.
I have to take it in every time I drive it.
And then it usually needs a tune-up every few weeks.
So I actually don't get to drive it very much.
Oh, you have a real problem then, Mr Graham.
Yes. My own mechanic has not been very helpful.
Is there anything you can recommend?
Well ... you don't live out here on the island, so ...
I can't check it regularly enough to get a real picture.
All I can advise is never drive her under 3,000 rpm in a forward gear. Ever.
And there's a lot of carbon on the valves.
Yes, there always is. So thank you very much for the recommendation.
Usually needs a tune-up every few weeks.
I wonder what he does to her that bad.
Oh, Mr Graham. Your attorney, Mr Beckett, has been trying to reach you.
He's been calling the superintendent's office all week.
Well, if he calls again tell him I no longer live with the superintendent.
Have this car taken to my garage.
- Broke down again, didn't it? - I don't care to discuss it.
... and he told me there was carbon on the valves ...
which was no news to me 'cause there's always carbon on the valves.
My own mechanic picked up the car yesterday ...
and returned this afternoon with the news that there was carbon on the valves.
I asked him why the car broke down so frequently ...
and he said it was probably because carbon got on the valves.
Ha ha, I told you a Ferrari was useless in the city.
Buy a Bentley and stop carrying on.
How dare you?
Mr Graham!
- Henry! Henry! - What a day. That's a perfectly insane ...
- Oh, Mr Graham! - Who is it? What is it?
- A Mr Beckett on the phone! - Beckett?
Says he's your attorney! Has an urgent message. Says he'll wait.
Tell him I'm out.
I don't have much chance to take her out and open her up.
Half the time is spent taking off and the other half is spent on landing.
And she needs a lot of upkeep.
Every time I bring her out she has to have repairs.
What seems to be the trouble?
My mechanic says it's carbon on the valves.
Zero One Foxtrot. This is Long Island tower.
We're holding an emergency telephone call for Mr Henry Graham...
from his attorney, Mr Beckett. Over.
Roger. Zero One Foxtrot...
I'll just get out here, thank you. I'm not taking that call.
Oh, Jerry! Mr Von Rensaeller?
Has Mr Graham come in yet?
Yes. He's in the lounge with Mr Beaumont.
Have I told you that my apple trees have crown gall?
Frequently.
Well, then you can relax. They don't anymore.
I sprayed and the crown gall is gone.
Hello, Dan. I was just telling Henry that my apple trees had crown gall.
But I sprayed and the crown gall is gone.
Really? Oh, you must be very relieved.
Yes. Yes, I am.
Could I have a word with you, Henry?
We've had several calls from your bank ...
saying there have been insufficient funds.
Ah, those idiots.
I was prevailed upon as honorary secretary to bring it to your attention ...
so you can stir it up at the bank.
Been going on for weeks.
I wonder if Beckett would go this far to get me to call back?
Now, listen to me very carefully, please. You see, when you have capital ...
you are able to derive ... No.
I will attend to the check in a moment, Mr Graham.
I understand about the check. I'm trying to explain something to you ...
that is terribly important.
When we spend more, per month or per year ...
than we have in income, you must then dip into the capital ...
eventually exhausting the capital and of course, therefore, the income.
Do you see what I mean?
Mr Beckett. This check must be paid.
- Mr Graham ... - And at once.
I'm trying to explain to you that it is impossible to pay the check ...
because your expenses have exceeded your income ...
to such a point that you have exhausted your capital.
Now you have no capital, no income ...
therefore no funds for the check, you see?
Don't treat me as though I were a child, Mr Beckett.
I am as aware of what it means to have no capital as you are.
- Oh, good. - Now, what about this check?
Well, are you entirely sure that you really do understand ...
what I mean by ... capital, Mr Graham?
You see, you've exhausted the capital. I can't cover the check ...
because the check is for $6,000 and you don't have $6,000.
In other words, you don't have $60.
Come to the point, Beckett.
The point, Mr Graham, is that you don't have any money.
The capital and the income are exhausted and you no longer have any money.
I wish there was some other way I could say it.
What could I ...? How could I put it? That money ...
You have no capital, you have no income ... you have ... no, it's only money.
You have no money. There's no other way to put it.
You mean I have no money?
Yes, that's what I mean. You have no money.
And what of my stocks, my AT&T, my General Motors?
Y-yes, I know ...
My Emeralda Peat?
Yes, yes, I know about Emeralda Peat. Let me show you something.
Mr Graham, you see, it was necessary for me to sell ...
several shares per year in order to cover the checks that you ...
- Who gave you the right to do that ? - You did, sir.
- I did not! - Yes, you did.
See, 15 years ago, when you told me that you wished to live on $200,000 ...
despite the fact that the income on your trust fund was only $90,000 ...
That is beside the point. This check must be paid.
Do you realize that this check has bounced, Mr Beckett? I mean, bounced!
- As though I were some indigent ... - Yes, I know the check has bounced.
It is not the first check that you've had bounced, Mr Graham.
I personally have covered three overdrafts of yours to the extent ...
- I'd like to show you this check - of $550.
This is of my own money, not the firm's money, but that is not ...
a policy that I wish to continue in the future.
Who gave you the right to do that?
Well, you did, Mr Graham.
You mean to say that I'm now in the position of owing you $550?
No, no, no, don't, don't, please, don't think of it as a loan, Mr Graham.
I have no more hope of receiving it than you'll ever have of scraping it up.
Oh, thank you very much, Mr Beckett.
May I say that if you expected even the smallest amount of gratitude ...
you have wasted $550 of the excessive fee I pay you ...
for the tiny services you render.
Mr Graham. I would like to explain something to you.
I have given you $550 of my own money for only one reason ...
Disliking you as intensely as I do, I wanted to be absolutely certain ...
that when I looked back upon your financial downfall ...
I could absolve myself completely of any responsibility for it.
And $550 is a relatively small price to pay ...
for the knowledge that I've had nothing to do whatsoever ...
with your financial downfall.
You have brought yourself to penury entirely on your own.
I don't suppose you care to give me an additional $6,000 ...
and insure yourself against guilt permanently?
- You're perfect. - Thank you very much, Mr Beckett.
Do you think my uncle would lend me some money?
Mr Graham, during the 10 years that your uncle served as your guardian ...
he confided in me almost daily ...
that he thought your father had placed him in that position as an act of spite.
I don't think he'll give you a nickel, Mr Graham.
And considering your gift for close personal relationships ...
I don't think anyone else will, either.
Thank you very much, Mr Beckett.
Here you are. This will cover the overdraft of $550 that I owe you.
You will have these, too.
They're non-filter. Smoke them in good health.
I'm poor.
Goodbye.
Oh, Mr Graham, how are you? Nice to see you.
- What can I do for you, Mr Graham? - Oh nothing, nothing ... I ...
- Won't you sit down a little bit? - Thank you. I was looking ... for someone.
- Good afternoon, Mr Graham. - Henri, �a va bien?
I'm fine, thank you. I'm kind of surprised. We're gonna be ready any minute.
Would you like to have a table for one?
No, no, thank you. I just wanted to ... look at the room once more.
But it's always great to see you. You're always welcome here. You know that.
- Just check. - I'm sorry, Mr Sullivan.
I know nothing more about your application.
That's alright. I'll come back tomorrow and check.
- Oh, Mr Graham. Good afternoon, Mr Graham. - Hello, Arthur.
Were you expecting some mail?
No, no. I just ... dropped in to, er ... see if I was still welcome.
I'm poor.
Go!
- Harold , I should like to ask you something. - Certainly, sir.
You've been with me for many years now, Harold.
What would you do if I told you I had lost all my money?
I should leave immediately, sir, upon giving the proper notice.
Thank you, Harold. I knew I could count on a straight answer from you.
Thank you, sir.
You can't top Hart, Schaffner and Marx.
Just stand natural. It fits perfectly.
It's the best suit you can find in ready-to-wear.
I'm sorry, Mr Graham.
The racket club does not keep those members on a trust that worry missing their dues.
Don't waste your time, Mr Graham, come with me to the Y.
Henry, you're not ... you're not driving a Chevrolet!?
Oh, no!
I took the liberty, sir.
Oh yes, yes, Harold, bring it in. I was just about to ring for it.
- Harold, I have something to tell you. - Is it about your money, sir?
Yes, Harold. I've lost it.
Or, more accurately, spent it. In any case, it's gone.
I'm sorry to hear that, sir.
Have you considered borrowing from your uncle?
Yes, it was my first thought.
My attorney advised me against it on the grounds that it would be useless.
See, the thing of it is, Harold ...
that I have no hope of ever repaying him, or anyone.
I have no skills, no resources, no ambitions.
All I am, or was, is rich.
And that's all I ever wanted to be.
I don't understand, Harold. Why did it happen to me? Why?
I was ... I was so happy. What will I do?
What any gentleman of similar breeding ...
and temperament would do in your position, sir.
Suicide?
No, sir. I wasn't going to suggest suicide. I was going to suggest marriage.
Marriage? You mean to a woman?
Yes, sir. That is what I had in mind.
It's the only way to acquire property without labor.
There is inheritance, but I believe your uncle ...
has already stated his intention of leaving everything he owns to Radio Free Europe.
Oh, I can't, Harold. I couldn't ... I mean, she'd be there ...
asking me where I've been ...
talking to me ... talking. I wouldn't be able to bear it.
Well, it was only a suggestion, sir. But the alternatives ...
are very limited and unspeakably depressing, sir.
If you do not commit suicide, sir, you will be poor.
Poor?
Poor in the only real sense of the word, sir ...
in that you will not be rich.
You will have a little left if you sold everything but ...
in a country where every man is what he has ...
he who has very little is nobody very much.
There's no such thing as genteel poverty here, sir.
How much time do you think I have before it comes out, Harold?
Hardly any, sir.
You've already received your third notice ...
from both Con Edison and the Bell Telephone Company, sir.
At any moment the lights may go out and the telephone go dead.
And when that happens, the worst will occur, sir...
your credit rating will be impudent.
My Emeralda Peat. Thank you.
Oh, do it, sir. Do it, get married, sir.
Take the plunge. Find a nice suitable young woman, sir.
Borrow enough money from your uncle to keep up appearances.
Don't become poor, Henry Graham, sir. Not just for your sake but ...
this is difficult for me to say, sir, but for mine as well ...
I mean, how many men these days require the services of a gentleman's gentleman?
How many men have your devotion to form, sir?
You have managed in your own lifetime, Mr Graham ...
to keep alive traditions that were dead before you were born.
Don't give up the fight, sir ...
just because the Philistines are upon thee.
I now respectfully give two weeks' notice, sir.
Will that be all?
- Yes. - Thank you, sir.
No, no. Can't. Can't. Better death or murder.
That's a good idea. Harold!
Harold, that was a good idea. I'm going to do it, Harold.
I'm going to find a suitable woman and mur-, er, marry her.
Oh, I'm so glad, sir.
- Shall I dial your uncle for you? - Yes, please, Harold.
I hope I don't have to grovel too much.
Can I take it your answer is no?
Yes. It's no. You've been an ass, Henry.
Just as your father was an ass, but you mustn't take that to mean it runs in the family.
Lend you $50,000. Oh God, what a witty thing to say!
Don't think of it as a loan but as an investment ...
to be repaid in six weeks with interest of 10%.
No.
Why not? It's a better return than you get on any stock.
But you are not a stock, Henry.
You are an aging youth, with no prospect ...
no skills, no character.
What could you possibly do in six weeks ...
that would enable you to repay me?
Get married.
Get what?
Get married.
Get married?
Yes. Get married.
To whom?
Well, I ... I would find a suitable woman.
By "suitable" you mean rich?
Yes, as far as marriage is concerned ...
You see, as far as marriage is ...
As far as marriage is concerned, I do have prospects.
I even have skills, to the extent that I'm not physically disabled.
No.
I'm reasonably well-mannered.
And I can engage in any romantic activity ...
with an urbanity born of disinterest.
As for character ...
that is something I usually require of servants ...
- We are talking about character. - Yes, character.
That is something I usually require of servants ...
in the form of a brief letter written by someone like myself ...
to the effect that the servant in question ...
does not have the ingenuity to steal.
Well, you can't ask for better credentials for marriage ...
or a better return on your investment.
What is my collateral in the event that you fail?
Collateral?
My wardrobe and furnishings.
Oh my God, what would I ...? Yes, go on.
My collection of first editions.
- My paintings and sculptures. - Oh, well.
- And my ... - What?
- No. - No, what?
Well ... that's it.
No, no. You said no. You said no. What? No, what?
Alright. My Ferrari 275 GTB 4 ...
which retails at $15,900 and is owned outright by me.
That's at least $500,000 worth of collateral.
I'm asking for a $50,000 loan.
- Six weeks? - Six weeks.
Well, I may be a sentimental old fool ...
but in memory of our long, long years that I spent as your guardian ...
I'll do it.
Thank you, uncle.
- On one condition. - What's that?
Should you fail to repay me in six weeks ...
I am entitled to ten times the amount I'll lend you.
Ten times the amount? That's ten times 50,000.
Yes, that's right.
That's ... it's everything ... I ... own.
Of course you could always go to a bank and ask for a personal loan.
A bank?
Oh God, if I could be a fly on the wall that day.
Those are my terms. Take them or leave them as you choose.
- But that's usury. - Mh-hm.
- I'll take it. - Good.
I'll have my attorney draw up the documents tonight.
We should be finished by tonight, don't you think?
Yes. Thank you, uncle.
Call me Uncle Harry...
After all, we're in business together now, Henry.
Thank you, Uncle Harry.
In that case, you may call me Mr Graham.
You know, Henry, I have never thought of you as terribly interested in women.
It comes as rather a shock to me, too.
- Are there any here? - Huh?
I mean ... unattached ones?
Yes, yes, there's Sharon Hart, over there next to Felix.
Does she live with her family?
No, no, as far as I know, Sharon has no close family.
Her husband, Robert Hart, was a cattle baron, I think.
Really?
Oh, Sharon, I'd like you to meet Henry Graham.
I eat, I sleep, I swim, I dry off.
All so simple, perhaps even primitive. And it satisfies me.
I have found peace in Connecticut.
I mean, after all, what else is there?
I love, I wish love, I am human, I am a woman, Henry!
A what?
A woman, Henry.
I want ... I need ... I desire love.
That is what a woman is born for.
Damn mosquitoes!
No mother? You have no mother? No father? No ... no children? No one at all?
No one at all.
Oh, Henry ...
How I long to hear another voice.
A man's arms ...
Oh, I am alive.
I want to give ...
love.
Darling!
No! Don't let them out!
3 weeks, 2 days and 3 hours to go, sir.
- Please don't scratch, sir. - Oh, God help me!
My aunt got very interested in the Heart Fund.
She had an attack a little while ago.
Your aunt ... Does she live in New York?
Yes, as a matter of fact she does.
- What sort of an attack did she have? - A heart attack, you see ...
- Oh, do you have any other relatives? - Oh no, no, none at all.
- No mother? - No, no, no mother. And ...
- No father? - No, no. No, no father.
We were wondering if you would like to put your name ...
on one of our letterheads as one of our sponsors ...?
- Well, you wouldn't have to do anything. - No, thank you.
Oh. Well, would you ...?
Henry! What the hell are you doing here?
I thought you hated dancing and didn't believe in private charity.
You were correct.
One week, 5 days and 10 hours, sir.
I'll never do it, Harold. Never.
Not only do I still have to meet her, but I have to court her ...
marry her and get $50.000 from her ...
before the honeymoon. I'll never do it ...
unless I elope tomorrow.
You will do it, sir.
When we are working for something we really love, as you are, sir ...
we can always find a way.
What are you spraying, Bo? Do you really understand what you're doing?
Oh, my dear. I've spent years on this, on this very topic. Yes, because ...
Henry!
Everybody! This is Henry Graham.
- This is Harriet Storch. Bo, of course, you know. - Hi, Henry.
Mr and Mrs Sims, Toot and Roggie. They're here from Geneva on home leave.
This is Lucy Sylvester.
And our neighbours, Dr and Mrs Daryl Hitler
John Sylvester and Freddy, of course, you know ...
Excuse me, you're not by any chance related to the Boston Hitlers?
No, we're from Glen Cove.
Henry, this is Ms Henrietta Lowell. This is Mr Henry Graham.
Ms Lowell. How do you do?
Come there, now. Come and see Bo.
Yes. You dropped your gloves, Ms Lowell.
Now come with me and have a nice chat with Bo while I get you some ...
- Gloria, what's today's date? - July 27.
Come sit with Bo and I'll get you some nice tea.
Henry, sit down. Would you believe it? Sooty blotch!
Got rid of the crown gall and got sooty blotch.
I think it's sooty blotch, I'm not sure.
That's becoming mad, Bo. By the way, who's Henrietta Lowell?
- She's old Guy Lowell's daughter. - And who's old Guy Lowell?
Was. He's dead now.
Been dead ever since I can remember.
And who was he when he was alive?
Well, he was an industrialist ...
... or composer, something like that.
Well, did he die with his wealth intact or ... did he lose everything in suicide ...?
Oh, well, I'm merely curious.
Well, he died with his wealth intact ...
I heard he was enormously wealthy when he died. Is that right?
I thought you didn't know who he was.
Well, I didn't at first ...
but the vividness of your description has restored him to my memory.
He was old Guy Lowell, who died enormously wealthy.
- That right? - Yeah. He was enormously wealthy when he died.
And the girl?
She's enormously wealthy, too. Lives all alone in a huge place with ...
dozens of servants milling about her. About 50 acres of land.
- No mother? - No.
No sisters, brothers? No close relatives?
No. No. Harry, you're hurting my arm!
Oh, sorry. Sorry. Sorry, Bo.
She, er ... she's not engaged?
No. She's a botanist!
She teaches at some ...
Writes a lot of papers on ... fronds ... for periodicals.
Doesn't ride, either.
Doesn't entertain. Doesn't even talk, as far as I can tell.
I think she's about the most isolated woman I've ever met.
Rich, single, isolated.
And she's about to drop that teacup.
Oh, she's perfect.
Madeleine, would you get Ms Lowell another cup of tea, please?
- I'm terribly sorry. - That's alright, dear, really. Couldn't care less.
It's nothing. It's nothing. It's just an old rug.
Just swish that up and then just dab it, just ... just dab it and blot it.
Here ... I'll take this.
Incredibly clumsy woman, isn't she? No wonder she doesn't ride.
Forgive me a moment, will you, Bo?
Excuse me.
Henrietta, is this some kind of joke?
Because if it is, I do not find it amusing.
If your nerves aren't steady enough ...
to hold a cup and saucer in your hand, then you shouldn't be drinking tea.
- Once yes, but twice in a row ... - Is too much ... too much.
Madam. There you are, Madam.
Take your damn carpet to the cleaners and send the bill to me.
Here you are. Come, Ms Lowell, I'm taking you home.
Take your bag.
You son of a bitch!
You dare call me a son of a bitch?
Madam, I have seen many examples of perversion in my time ...
but your erotic obsession with your carpet ...
is probably the most grotesque and certainly the most boring I have ever encountered.
You're more to be scorned than pitied.
Good day, Mrs Cunliffe.
You can dismiss your car. I'll take you home in mine.
I came by bus.
I beg your pardon?
I ... I didn't come by car, I came by bus.
- By bus? - On the bus.
And then to be treated in this manner?
Perfect.
This is very nice of you. Thank you.
And I'm terribly sorry.
No, you don't have to apologize, Ms Lowell.
Your behavior has been impeccable.
No. I did spill the tea twice.
You were a guest.
A woman of your stature has a right to expect every courtesy in any home she consents to visit.
What stature?
Oh, come now, Ms Lowell.
I've read far too many botanical journals ...
to take that question seriously.
Are you a botanist?
No. Just a botanical journal reader.
Every science has its fans.
Carbon on the valves.
Tell me about yourself, Ms Lowell.
Your work, your hopes, your dreams ...
Well, I work as a teacher and I also do field work and write monographs.
On my last field trip I identified and classified ...
all the varieties of ferns on Jolly Buoy.
It was one of the longest monographs I've ever written.
I'd love to read it sometime.
My hope is to discover a new variety of fern ...
that has never been described or classified.
I don't know what my dream is.
Do you think it could be the same as my hope?
Well, in any way, that is my work and my hope, except for my dreams which I'm not certain of.
What happens if you discover a new species ...
that has never been described or classified?
Well ... nothing terribly much except that ...
you are ... you're listed as its discoverer ...
and the entire species is named after you.
Oh, like Parkinson's disease being named after James Parkinson.
That's right.
Or the bougainvillea being named after Louis de Bougainville.
- Or like ... Brussels sprouts. - Yes, that's right, that's right.
It's a kind of immortality, isn't it?
Yes. Yes, I guess it is.
This seems rather presumptuous, doesn't it, to hope for immortality?
Not to me.
If you can't be immortal, why bother?
Oh, Henry, you are really so ... self-assured.
You're so positive.
It almost gives me confidence just to be with you.
Then in a very short time you will be a very confident botanist because ...
I intend to be with you a great deal of the time.
Oh, heavens.
With your consent, of course.
Oh, yes. I consent. I ... I just ... Oh, heavens!
- I will pick you up at 7. - Yes. Bye.
Until this evening.
Heavens.
Good morning, Mis-
Good morning, Mr Graham.
You have exactly 7 days and 9 hours to destitution.
Shall I serve your breakfast in bed ...
or would you like me to follow you about with the tray?
No, thank you, Harold. I haven't got time to eat.
See if you can find a college outline of botany.
Reserve a table for two at Pavillion for tonight.
Get the florist on the phone and start making out a guest list.
I think I have found, God help us, Ms Right.
Heavens. How tasteful.
'55 was a glorious year for Mouton Rothschild.
Better than '53, I think. Don't you?
May I ask you something?
Certainly, Henrietta.
Have you ever tasted ...
Mogen David's extra-heavy Malaga wine with soda and lime juice?
Er, not that I can recall.
One of my students happened to introduce it to me ...
on a field trip to the Canary Islands.
It tastes a little like grape juice and every year is good.
Why don't you just drink grape juice?
It's not as sweet.
I had never drunk wine at all until I tried ...
Mogen David's extra-heavy Malaga wine with soda and lime juice.
It's delicious. It's called a Malaga cooler.
Malaga cooler.
Oh, well that ... sounds ... unique.
- Thank you, Laurent. - You're welcome, sir.
- Thank you, Laurent. - You're welcome, Mr Graham. Good night.
- Good night, Mr Graham. - Night, steward, thank you very much.
- Good to see you again, sir. - Thank you.
- 5 days and 11 hours. - Today is Wednesday, isn't it? - Yes.
Then the ceremony will have to be this Saturday ...
that means that I will have to propose tonight, God help me ...
if we're to get license by Friday ...
Do you know anything about Mendel's experiments? Listen to me, please, Harold.
- Mendel's experiments with garden peas? - No.
Well, bone up and study the chapter on classification.
I'll have to have someone test me ...
on division, class, order, family, genus, species and variety ...
before I go on to seed and fruit dispersal.
Oh, I'm so glad you found a nice suitable young lady.
She's not suitable. She's primitive.
She has no spirit, no wit, no conversation ...
and she has to be vacuumed every time she eats.
Oh, she must be very wealthy, sir.
Yes, she is.
Cancel my theater tickets for tonight.
I'll have to start early if I'm going to propose.
Yes, sir. Oh, shall I order additional champagne, sir?
No. No champagne.
Order a dozen bottles of ...
Mogen David's extra-heavy Malaga wine and lime juice.
And lower your eyebrows, please. I told you she was primitive.
To science.
Do you have any straws?
Straws? No straws.
Should have told you to buy straws.
I have recently been re-reading Gregor Mendel's ...
fascinating experiments with garden peas.
And it has struck me again ...
how much we owe our understanding of plant genetics ...
with all its myriad implications to that brilliant pioneer.
Yes, but we mustn't forget Morgan and Muller.
- Morgan, Muller and Mendel. - Who?
Gregor Mendel, the man that you just mentioned.
Morgan, Muller and Mendel, I think ...
are a perfect example of scientific synthesis.
Erm ... does it seem that to you?
No, it doesn't.
Collective appraisal has never appealed to me.
- Oh, I didn't mean to criticize ... - Ooh!
Oh, your carpet. Your beautiful carpet.
Oh, that's alright, Henrietta, please ... No, no, don't, no, please, Henrietta.
Is there any cold water?
No, no, never mind. Please sit down, Henrietta.
Henrietta, please. Nonsense. Nonsense. The floor needed a touch of color.
Henry, I'm so stupid and clumsy and gauche.
I don't know what to say. I've ruined another carpet.
No, Henrietta, please. Stop that. Can you possibly believe, for one moment ...
that what happens to this foolish, hairy floor covering matters to me ...
when I have you sitting beside me?
looking at me with your beautifully soft ...
yet highly intelligent, well-informed eyes?
Talking to me in your gentle ...
yet perfectly modulated, podium-trained voice?
You must think me very superficial.
Oh, no. I don't.
Henrietta, er ... er ... would you care for some more wine?
Oh yes, I would love some.
Henrietta ... Henrietta ...
I have something to ask you.
I ... I ... erm ... What time is it?
It's ... erm ... it's, oh, it's 10 o'clock and then we have to leave pretty soon ...
'cause I have to get up tomorrow very early for a class.
- Ooh! - Pardon? Something wrong?
- Henry? Henry? - Oh. No, no.
Henrietta ...
Henrietta, we have a great deal in common, you and I.
We are both of the same division: vertebrata ...
the same class: mammalia ...
the same order: primate ...
the same family: hominide
the same genus: homo ...
the same species: sapiens ...
and the same variety of a class.
- I don't think there's a class of variety ... - Keep quiet, Henr-!
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm very sorry. I ...
Where ... where was I? I ... Oh, yes ...
In fact the only difference between us is that I am a man and you are a woman.
And we don't have to let that interfere if we are reasonably careful.
Y-yes.
Henrietta, what I'm trying to say is ...
Will you marry me?
I beg your pardon?
Oh, Henrietta, if you care for me at all.
Even if you don't care for me at all ...
but feel that you could ... learn to care for me at all ...
in a reasonable amount of time, please say yes.
There is often a tidy profit in speculation.
I care for you, Henry. I do care for you.
Oh! Henrietta. Ahhhhh! Dammit to hell!
- Did you hurt yourself? - No, no.
Kneeling on broken glass is my favorite pastime.
It keeps me from slouching.
Do you think you should get up, Henry?
No. Never. Not until I finish.
I would kneel on anything for you, Henrietta.
Henrietta, if you turn me down, it would be the end of me.
I would literally ... have nothing.
- There would be such a ... - I won't ... I wouldn't.
I'm not going to turn you down, Henry.
- You're not? - No.
I love you, Henry.
That was my dream, Henry.
From the moment that you spilled your tea on Gloria Cunliffe's Aubusson.
That someday you would ask me to marry you.
That was most of my dream.
Henrietta, darling, would this Saturday be too soon?
- This Saturday? - Yes.
Wednesday, Thursday, Friday ... Oh, heavens, mercy!
Answer yes or no!
- Henrietta, I'm intensely uncomfortable. - Yes, yes, yes!
Oh, thank you. Oh, thank you.
Here. You're a good girl. You're a good ... a good girl.
- Oh, heavens, I mean, mercy ... gracious heavens. - Stay with heavens.
Ouch! Stop that, Harold!
I'm sorry, sir.
That hurts.
I'm saved, Harold. Less hurried but saved.
I'm enormously pleased, sir.
Oh, I wish you could've been there, Harold. I wish you could have been there.
I was brilliant. Brilliant! You would have been astonished of my technique.
Sir, I don't doubt you, sir.
Harold, send an announcement out to the newspapers ...
and put Ms Lowell's attorney on the guest list.
It seems he's a close personal friend of hers.
Has the wine come up off the rug yet?
No sir. I'm soaking it now in various solvents ...
but they only seem to dissolve the nap.
I oughta sue her.
Do you know how many llamas must have died to make that rug?
Have my travel agent book a cottage somewhere for a few days.
I'll have to pick up the $50,000 during the honeymoon.
Oh, sir. Isn't that just a trifle unseemly?
Unseemly? Unseemly!?
Harold, after her behavior tonight, anything I do will be seemly.
Never have I seen one woman ...
in whom every social grace was so lacking.
Did I say she was primitive? I retract that. She's feral.
I've never spent a more physically destructive evening in my life.
I am nauseated. I limp.
And I can feel my teeth rotting away from an excess of sugar ...
that no amount of toothpaste can dislodge.
I will taste those damn Malaga coolers forever.
That woman is a menace not only to health ...
but to Western civilization as we know it.
She doesn't deserve to live.
Forget I said that.
Yes.
He did it.
He did it. Oh, get off my lap, you little ingrate! Get off!
He did it. He really, really did it.
Yes, yes. I know who Henrietta Lowell's attorney is.
In fact, he has an office somewhere in this building.
Well, let's put it this way, Harry.
He doesn't seem to have a very active practice.
Henrietta Lowell seems to be his only client.
Well, what I mean is ...
he may not be exactly overjoyed ...
at the idea of sharing her affections with Henry.
- No! No, no, no! No ... - Andrew.
No, I won't accept it. As your lawyer, I forbid it.
But Andrew, I'm in love.
Nonsense. After three days?
Who is he? One of your students?
That little wino who went with you on one of your field trips to the Canary Islands?
Malcolm Finger is not a wino, Andrew.
But it is him?
- No, it is not. - Well then, who is it?
A foreigner?
Some little wop with a fancy title?
What's the little fortune hunter's name?
Really, Andrew.
I don't see why you take it for granted ...
that the only reason that somebody would marry me is for my money.
There may be some other basis, you know?
Oh my God. Oh my God. Of course, Henrietta. Don't you think that I know?
Haven't I proposed to you these past ten years on whatever other basis there is?
Look, it's ... it's just that ... with your discreet beauty ...
and womanly presence ...
I find it deeply suspicious for anyone ...
who claims to ...
penetrate the many mysteries ...
of your personality in just three days.
You're saying that I'm plain and shy ...
but that after a while you get used to it.
I'm saying that you're not flagrant. I'm saying that you're subtle.
Like some very expensive ... custom-made ... hat.
I don't know what I'm saying. Can't you see that I'm distraught?
Andrew. Andrew, listen to me. You will find ... You will find someone else.
Andrew, you will find some wonderful woman who deserves you.
Are you alright, Andrew? Andrew, oh, please. What's wrong?
Nothing, Henrietta. Nothing.
- Henrietta, darling ... - No, no! Andrew! No more ...
Andrew, I'm going now. I'm leaving, in order to meet Henry ...
who, it just so happens, is an American citizen of English extraction ...
with a very large fortune of his own.
- Oh, really? - Yes.
- What's Henry's last name? - Graham.
Oh, Andrew, please. Please come to the wedding.
I'll be so disappointed if you don't give me away. Please?
- Please? - Alright, alright.
Henry Graham. You won't get away with it, Henry Graham.
Won't will not get away with it! Let me see. Now, I have to do something.
Who do I know who's pregnant and a good sport?
- Yes, Mariamne? - A Mr Harry Graham is on 21, sir.
He says it's extremely urgent and confidential.
- Harry Graham? - Yes, sir.
Very well, put him on.
Little ninny, doesn't even know his right name.
Mr Graham.
You wonder why I called you here today.
One day before the ceremony that will unite you as man and wife.
Let me explain.
As Henrietta's friend and attorney, it behooves me ...
... to take on the ever unpleasant role of the devil's advocate.
And despite her assurances that you are a man of means ...
I've taken it upon myself to investigate your financial status.
Excuse me, sir. Tea will be delayed by 7 minutes.
- Andrew, you had no right to do that. - Alright.
It's quite alright, Henrietta. I have nothing to hide.
The Grahams have been with the same bank for six generations ...
as Mr McPherson has undoubtedly discovered.
I didn't speak to the bank, Mr Graham.
I spoke to your uncle.
Your butler seems to have weak wrists.
Andrew, I think it's just dreadful of you to do that.
To call Henry's uncle and speak to him ...
as if he were opening up some kind of charge account.
I'm so sorry, Henry.
Henrietta, I didn't call Henry's uncle. Henry's uncle called me ...
in order to tell me that his nephew here ...
borrowed $50,000 from him five and a half weeks ago ...
because his trust fund ran out ...
and he had to pay some back bills ...
and marry a wealthy woman before the news of it got around.
I hope you can substantiate this hearsay, because I intend to sue you for slander.
Oh, I can substantiate it alright. I wouldn't be here if I couldn't.
Henrietta, here's a photostat of the original note.
Now take a good look at it.
They're rather interesting terms, aren't they?
You're still gonna sue me for slander, Mr Graham?
Yes, Mr McPherson. I am still going to sue you for slander.
You see, McPherson, I knew for several years ...
that my money was running out.
Now, if you can convince a court ...
that any man with the slightest interest at all in money ...
would sit around for several years doing nothing ...
while his money ran out ...
and then borrow $50,000 under the most disadvantageous terms imaginable ...
so that he could dash out and catch himself a rich wife ...
in order to pay it back within six weeks ...
I will withdraw my suit for slander.
Alright.
Now, let's put in this way, Graham.
If you can convince a court ...
that any man without any interest at all whatsoever in money of any kind ...
would borrow $50,000 for no reason at all ...
I'll withdraw my charge.
Agreed.
Alright. Let's hear the reason.
Now, you were going to use the $50,000 to set up a fund for the disadvantaged ...
and make a better world. Am I close?
No sense in being facetious, Mr McPherson.
I was going to use the $50,000 to tidy up my affairs ...
and then immediately afterwards ...
kill myself.
Yes, Henrietta. On the day I met you I was a dead man.
My life was over. And then ...
something happened to me.
I suddenly realized that if ...
by some miracle I could have you ...
I would have a purpose, an answer to the emptiness of my existence.
And so I proposed, Henrietta. Not to get your money ...
but to find out if I had a reason to live.
Henry, why didn't you tell me?
I would have married you the very first day.
Henrietta, wait a minute! You don't believe that garbage, do you?
Any sex-starved half-wit would know that's just a line. What's the matter with you?
You have been unbelievably cruel.
Thank you for keeping me alive, Henrietta.
You're welcome, Henry. You're entirely welcome.
I can't believe this!
- Get off. - I beg of you, Henrietta ... Sorry ...
I beg of you, Henrietta. Don't get carried away. Henrietta ...
If he's not really interested in your money, make him prove it!
I would do anything in the world to prove to you, Henrietta ...
that I haven't the slightest interest at all in your money ...
but there is absolutely no way I can do it.
- There is no way. - I have a way.
- But there is no way. - Henrietta, I have a way.
Have him consent to some kind of legal arrangement ...
that prevents him from gaining financially after the marriage.
Don't listen to him, Henrietta.
That way, people won't get the wrong impression from his uncle the way I did.
That's a good idea.
Let's make all my accounts joint with Henry.
And he's to have a checkbook with his name on it.
And I would like the debt to his uncle paid before the wedding.
You would like ... you would ... Are you crazy?
Have you gone totally out of your mind?
- I thought it was your idea. - It was not my idea!
My idea was for him to disclaim all your money, not to share it.
Oh, that's really just ridiculous, Andrew. It's very naive of you.
If Henry disclaimed all my money, I would have to write all of his checks for him.
And then people really would think ...
that he was marrying me for my money.
Don't you see? This way he'll already have all my money.
So that no one can possibly think that he's married me for it.
Don't you think it's a good solution, Henry?
You nincompoop! That's no solution at all.
- Henrietta, I love you. - How dare you call my fiancee a nincompoop?
Harold! Get Mr McPherson's hat and show him out.
- Hat ? - Yes.
We have to get to the bank before it closes at 3 o'clock.
Nein, nein, nein. Nein, nein.
- I thought you were going to play the Bach. - This is what he told me to play.
Harold, you've got to stop her. That little woman. She's touching things.
Oh no. She's ... Harold, she's unscrewing my Montrosini.
You don't have time to make a fuss now, sir. I'll screw it back when she leaves.
She's destroying my living room.
Why did I get into this?
I don't even know her, she's a stranger. I don't want her here.
Get out!
Oh, I thought this was the bathroom.
Well, it's not!
And if you touch anything else, I'll have you arrested.
Oh, sir, get a hold of yourself.
This is what it'll be like, isn't it, Harold?
She'll be everywhere, touching things.
Poking her nose into where it doesn't belong ...
pretending she's looking for the bathroom.
No, sir. You will share things.
I don't want to share things. I want to own them all by myself.
Why are you standing there, you little spy?
McPherson sent you in here to find out what was going on?
Oh, sir.
- Is he the groom? - Don't answer that, Harold.
I'll ask the questions from here on in.
Henrietta, if I could just talk to you ...
Who are you really?
Come on now, let's have it!
And I want real names or else you'll regret it.
I'm Dodi Heinrich. Professor Heinrich's daughter.
Professor Heinrich?
Harold, he's invited some Nazi to the wedding.
Sir, you are hysterical. You must get hold. You are due at the altar now.
I won't move until she leaves.
I will not get dressed in front of a woman ...
and she might as well understand that now.
You already are dressed.
Get her out. Out!
- Miss Heinrich, I will escort you to the bathroom. - Get out! Out!
And she will not touch my things. I will not have her touching my things.
Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
Come on. It's time. What are you doing up there?
Frank, I think one of my legs is shorter than the other.
Yes, I know, old man. It'll get ...
longer again after the ceremony.
Oh, I'll kill her.
Henrietta, it's not too late.
I love you, Henrietta.
Please don't do this insane thing.
Oh, Henrietta, I just talked to his uncle ...
I'll kill myself, Henrietta ...
Would you step back just half a step, so Henry can stand next to Henrietta?
Dearly beloved.
We are gathered together here in the sight of God ...
and in the face of this company ...
to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony ...
which is an honorable estate instituted of God ...
signifying unto us the mystical union which is betwixt Christ and his church ...
- I'll be leaving now. I hope you'll enjoy your stay.
Thank you. Thank you.
Erm, Henrietta, I will use this chest and you can use that one.
Or would you prefer that I use that chest and you use this one?
That one will be fine.
And I will unpack my own things.
I have a certain way that I unpack my things.
And if anyone touches anything I get mixed up.
- Yes, Henry. - Alright. Then shall we unpack?
I'm just going to dig up this specimen ...
and take it home for classification.
It's probably been classified for years ...
but I might as well just try it anyway.
Why not?
This is really incredible.
I know this isn't a Cyathea.
I know it's an Alsophila but ...
it seems to have some kind of vestigial indusium.
Whoops!
Henry?
Commonly found in gardening sheds.
Perfect.
Spreading and emulsifying agents.
Soap, saponins, gelatin ...
Sticking agents, defloculating agents ...
Get poison from gardening shed.
Toxides: arsenic acid, sodium arsenite, boron compounds, cyanides ...
cyo-cyenates and related compounds ...
Oh, Henrietta, I meant to ask you ...
which, er ... which bed do you prefer ?
This one or that one? Either one is fine for me.
This one is fine.
Fine. Then I will take that one.
And when we both use the same bed, we'll use this one.
- Champagne? - Thank you.
Henrietta, where is your other arm?
It's in the nightgown.
It's a Graecian-style nightgown.
It fits over one shoulder and the other one goes inside.
It's very uncomfortable. I can barely move my head all the way around.
Fine ... I just think you have your head through the arm-hole.
If you'll just stand up for a minute.
That's it. There you are ...
I think ... You see, you have your head through the arm-hole.
Now, pick your arm up ...
No, not that one. Put that one down.
That arm down. Let's pick this arm up. Thaaaat's it.
That's it.
Now, here we are.
- Just get this ... over here ... - Let me put my glasses ...
Oh, here. Let me put your glasses down here.
Alright. Now, hold it ...
No, just a minute.
See, you have your ... you have your head through the arm-hole.
We have to get your head out ... out of the arm-hole.
See, both of the holes look very similar.
Where ... where is your head-hole?
Well, I thought my head was in it.
No. You had your head in the arm-hole.
Where are you now?
I'm still where I was.
- Where ...? - Just a minute.
Oh. Here. That's it.
Here you are.
- I'll get your arm ... - This arm?
Yes. Get this arm through ... through ... No, wait a minute. You have ...
There. That's it.
Now put this arm ...
through here.
This is a head-and-left-arm hole.
Here. There you are.
- That's it. That's it! - Oh, I see.
Now, there! That's the way ... it's supposed to ... It still looks strange.
I'm sorry to be so much trouble to you.
That's alright. It's not for long ...
- Harold, Harold! - Welcome home.
- Where is Mrs Graham, sir? - Who?
Is she not with you, sir? Where is she, sir?
Hello.
Oh, there you are, Madam. Oh, welcome home, Mrs Graham.
May ... may I express my great joy at seeing you ... again.
Thank you, Harold. Heavens.
Harold, where is the chauffeur?
I couldn't find him, sir.
He disappeared just as I was about to leave.
- Couldn't find him ? - No.
John is a little forgetful, dear.
That's why I usually take the bus.
- Who's John? - John is the chauffeur.
His memory lapses.
I ... I think you ought to prepare yourself, sir.
Mrs Graham's household is incredibly democratic.
Couldn't find the chauffeur?
Chauffeur? Chauffeur!
Well, you're early.
Well, welcome home and congratulations.
Mrs Traggert, I'd like you to meet my husband, Henry Graham.
How do you do?
Henry, this is the housekeeper, our housekeeper, Mrs Traggert.
May I ask where the chauffeur is?
Well, didn't he pick you up at the airport?
No, he did not.
Oh, well ...
I guess, er, his car broke down. I'll have to look into that.
Will you ... you're wanting dinner at home this evening?
Henry, would you want dinner at home this evening?
Yes, supper for two, Mrs Traggert.
Very good.
Thank you, Mrs Traggert.
You're welcome.
- Well, how do you like it so far, dear? - Well, I've only seen the foyer.
Oh, well, this is the main hall.
Oh, baby. Oh, I need you. Oh, I want you. Aah ... ooh ...
Oh, who ... who are they?
Erm, one of them was a maid and the other ... er ... was the chauffeur.
- John, the chauffeur? - Yes.
Tell me, Henrietta, on what basis do you hire your servants?
Efficiency or personal charm?
Both, actually. I mean, I don't actually hire them.
Mrs Traggert does now do the hiring, but I, er ...
When I did hire them, I used both criteria.
Oh, er, madam?
Are you a guest in ...? Is she ...?
Madam, would you mind using the servants' staircase?
This is Mrs Blair.
This is the cook's daughter, Mandy.
Er, Madam, would you mind letting us through? We ... Harold!
- Harold? - Yes, sir?
Harold, get the household accounts from Mrs Traggert immediately ...
and meet me in the drawing room in ten minutes.
You can finish the luggage later.
- You may go now, Harold. - Yes.
This is insane. Absolutely astonishing.
I thought it might be, sir. She keeps it under the mattress.
Hm. Look at this, Harold.
There are 17 servants in this house, including a cook's daughter ...
who gets $200 a week as her mother's helper.
The food bills average out to $130 a day.
And there are no receipts.
Miscellaneous: $6,000 a month.
Harold, after dinner ...
I want all the servants in this room ...
and be sure that Mrs Graham is not present.
Copy this ledger exactly and put it back under the mattress.
Certainly, sir.
Harold, do you happen to know where the gardening shed is?
Yes, sir. It's in the back of the garden.
Oh, good. Well, I guess I'll take a stroll around the grounds.
We don't have anything like that, Mr Graham.
Mrs Graham wouldn't allow it.
She's a strict believer in the organic method.
But surely some of the more basic pesticides ...
arsenic, strychnine ... that kind of thing.
No. A healthy plant in a healthy soil.
That's the organic method.
It works, too.
Oh, really?
Well ... if it really works, why change it?
Mr Graham, on behalf of the entire staff, I would like to welcome you aboard ...
and drink a toast to your success.
Thank you very much, Mrs Traggert. No, thank you.
No, thank you very much.
Mrs Traggert ...
No, thank you.
I would like to say a word, please, Mrs Traggert?
There's something about you that puzzles me.
Why do you continue on in the arduous position of housekeeper ...
when by investing wisely you could have ...
your own little townhouse in Sutton Place?
And a guaranteed income for life.
Surely, after having successfully managed ...
to head the household accounts ...
to the tune of 35,000 tax-free dollars per year, for the past five years ...
you must have salted something away.
Have I ever.
I'm not including, of course ...
the token salary of $800 a week
- Four ... four hundred. - Oh.
you receive as mad money.
Huh, is it mad?
Mrs Traggert, you're fired.
I don't understand. I don't know what that means.
It means that you are a thief, Mrs Traggert.
On what grounds are you making this accusation?
I'm calling you a thief ...
on the basis of the household accounts ...
which you very sensibly hid under your mattress.
Listen, Mr Graham, could I speak to you for just one little minute, please?
The time is now 7 minutes past 9 o'clock.
If you are not out of this house by 10, I will call the police.
Shall we synchronize our watches or would you rather go for broke?
Uh, eh ... You, er, you wouldn't like to hear my side of the story?
Alright, alright! I'm leaving.
- Oh, John. - Yes, sir?
John, do you think we ought to scrap our cars?
Huh?
You see, according to your gas consumption and mileage record ...
each car averages 15 miles a day ...
at 1 mile per gallon, while parked in a garage.
It would mean bankruptcy if we actually took them out on the road.
We did those figures wrong ...
by about ... half.
John, do you have a suitcase?
Yeah, I have five. I could always use another one.
Well, five will do very nicely, John.
Pack all five and be out of this house in 45 minutes ...
or I will shoot you on sight for trespassing.
I-I-I, I don't get it.
I'll try to clarify it, John.
You're being fired because you are a cheap crook.
Now, if you are not out of this house and off these grounds in 45 minutes ...
I will shoot you as a trespasser ...
with proved criminal intentions.
And I am an excellent shot. Does that make it clearer?
Well, er ... why, if you gotta act like that ... I quit.
As for the rest of you, you have exactly two hours to get out.
Out!
And I do not believe that for one second.
Is the party over already?
You too, Madam.
He means business!
Henry, there are a lot of strange people in the house, who are they?
Yeah. They are not people, Henrietta, they are servants.
I hired them this morning.
You know, Henry, Mrs Traggert will be furious.
Mrs Traggert has been fired along with the rest of the staff ...
so her emotional responses need no longer concern you.
Oh, Erica, this is Mrs Graham.
This is our new housekeeper. She'll be working under Harold.
Fine. Fine. Thank you. You may go now, Erica.
Henrietta, come, please. Thank you. You may go, Erica.
Henrietta, come.
Don't shake hands, please.
Don't shake hands with the servants, Henrietta.
It destroys all hope of any discipline.
- You fired Mrs Traggert? - Yes, I fired Mrs Traggert.
- You fired John, too? - Especially John.
And they agreed?
We didn't vote on it, Henrietta.
I simply told them they were fired.
Which reminds me ...
How attached are you to Mr McPherson?
Oh no, oh no, Henry.
He's a total incompetent, Henrietta.
Do you have an idea how much money has been spent to run this house?
No, but Andrew knows.
Andrew has co-signed all of Mrs Traggert's checks.
Really, he has his finger on everything.
He co-signed all of Mrs Traggert's checks?
Yes. He's very thorough.
- Henry ... - Did ... you ... allow Mrs Traggert ...
to have ... her own ... checking account?
Yes. It was the household account.
She said it would be easier for her.
So I ... I, er ... did.
- Henrietta. - Yes?
Never, er, never mind ... I ...
Henrietta, I'll handle the finances from here on in.
Yes.
I would like the bank to issue a statement covering all your accounts ...
and please instruct them that no check has to be drawn on any account ...
unless it was co-signed by me.
I can go over your holdings and your federal and state tax returns after you're...
after you're ... after, afterwa-, afterwards.
Holdings and federal, okay. Heavens. Oh.
Just a piece of cotton, dear.
- Oh, Henrietta? - Yes?
I suppose you're absolutely satisfied with the organic method?
Oh, yes. Yes, I am.
- Shut up!
Now, Mr McPherson. I want you to do something about this.
- I didn't even get my two weeks' notice. - Nobody did.
If a judge sees those salaries ...
he'll clamp you in jail on spec.
Very few chauffeurs make $600 a week.
- $300. You get half ... - From all of us.
I advise you to keep your mouth shut about that.
According to the records, I don't take anything at all, and don't you forget it.
Is that so?
Alright, alright. Laura! Take it easy. Wait a minute. Wait. Laura? Lester?
- Laura. Kids. - I'm not a kid.
- Now, wait a minute. Wait a minute. - Let him talk.
Kids, we've been together a long time, right?
We've been a great team.
We've had some bad years and good years.
We laughed a little. Cried a little.
Put a little away together. But it's all over now.
There's nothing we can do about it.
- Yes, Mariamne?
The bank chief called ...
saying that Mr Graham has instructed them ...
not to issue any funds without his signature.
Henry, you have a B.A. in history.
... gardening shed ...
Oh, Henry, how wonderful.
Whom do I know with a gardening shed?
I sprayed and the crown gall was gone.
What an exciting coincidence.
Have you ever thought of teaching, dear?
There is an instructorship opening this fall, in history ...
and there seems to be absolutely no prospect at filling up the place ...
with so many of the teachers appointed to the science department ...
... back in the evening together.
Never.
Don't you?
We could have lunch together in the teachers' cafeteria ...
and then, every semester, we could grade our term papers together in the study.
Henrietta, for the last time. I have no inclination to teach.
No, not the slightest.
How do you know, dear, if you've never tried?
Instinct.
... on a cash basis ... accrual basis ...
... therefore deduct taxes in the year in which they are actually paid ...
Henry?
Might as well finish the accounts and get you ...
and get them out of the way before the end of the week.
He handles the income taxes rather well.
Henry, I wanted to ask you something.
- What? - I wanted to ask you something.
Well, you know that every summer I go on a field trip ...
for my research work.
And ... I was just wondering if this year ...
it would be alright if I went on a field trip?
Field trip? For how long?
Only for a week or two.
I ... I thought I might go on a canoe trip on the Adirondacks.
It's ... it's very lovely there.
It's all sort of tangled and isolated.
And, erm ... I usually go with one of my students.
But, erm ... I just ... it just occurred to me ...
that this year ... you and I might perhaps go together.
- Together? - To the Adirondacks.
The Adirondacks. Would we need a guide or anyone?
Not if we didn't wander from our camp.
And I would feel perfectly safe with you there, Henry.
I would feel safer even than with a guide.
Sounds wonderful, doesn't it?
Sounds like the answer to everything.
- Harold, can't I use a suitcase? - I wouldn't if I were you, sir.
I think carrying a suitcase through the woods would prove something of a hazard.
- Well, don't forget to pack my Swiss army. - Yes.
Mrs Graham seems to be a most good-natured lady. sir.
I'm pleased that the marriage is working out so well.
She's not good-natured. She is regressed.
I have never seen such a helpless human being.
Do you remember some weeks ago, sir, when ...
when you told me that you'd lost all your money?
and you had no skills and no ambitions
Harold, don't forget to pack the compasses and the maps. We will need those.
Yes, sir. But it seems you do have skills and ambitions.
I mean, look how you've taken over the house.
You've learned to handle accounts and grapple with taxes ...
and you've tidied up Mrs Graham.
Oh, no. I forgot to check her before she went to school this morning.
She'll be walking around all day with price tags dangling from her sleeves.
I took the liberty, sir.
Oh, thank you Harold. Was she free of crumbs?
Only a slight sprinkling, sir. I brushed her up.
Well, sir, my point is, sir ...
that you have shown the most surprising talent, sir ...
and although Mrs Graham's helplessness is a little bit irritating at times ...
couldn't it be in some strange way, sir ...
that this very helplessness ...
has been the stimulus of your own amazing new competence?
I mean, very often, sir ...
you know, what we... what we dislike most in other people ...
is only a reflection about our own inadequacies, sir ...
- and our own shortcomings. - Harold.
Why don't you pack the revolver? Please put the flask down, Harold.
Put the flask down. Pack ... never mind. Just put the flask down. Put the revolver down.
I'll do it. You may go now, Harold. Thank you very much.
Yes, sir.
Henry! Henry! Henry! Henry!
Henry! Henry!
Easy, Henrietta. I'll be right down.
- Henry? - I'm here.
Relax. Just easy. Catch your breath. That's it.
Relax. Calm down.
Here we are. Sit down.
That's it. That's it, now. Catch your breath. What is it?
It's been accepted.
My Alsophila ignocardium grahami. They've accepted it.
Try to speak calm, my dear. What is it they have accepted?
It's a tropical tree-fern.
And I discovered it during our honeymoon.
And when I couldn't classify it, I thought it might be a true species.
But I couldn't believe it, so I sent it to Wagner ...
at the University of Michigan. And Henry, it is. It's a true species.
I've discovered a true species.
Well. That's very nice. Very nice.
Well, well. Now you'll be able to name a whole species, won't you?
Just like ... what's his name?
- Louis de Bougainville. - That's right. Or James Parkinson.
Or ... Brussels sprouts.
Well, well, well. You've achieved the kind of immortality after all, haven't you?
Now you'll be in all the atlases under L ...
right before Morgan, Muller and Mendel.
It would be cross-indexed under G.
Alsophila grahami, for Graham.
For Graham?
You mean that you've discovered a new species and have named it for Graham ...
after doing all your work as Lowell?
You fool. That's not the way to name a species.
Can't you do anything right?
I didn't name it for me, Henry, I named it for you.
Alsophila grahami, for Henry Graham.
Well, are you sure that they'll know ... I mean, that it's me?
Will they have my name in the atlas under ... under G?
For Henry Graham?
Yes, and they'll have you in all the textbooks, Henry, as a footnote ...
As a footnote ... and in the atlases under G.
Well, I've achieved a small slice of immortality myself, haven't I?
As a footnote and under G.
Are you pleased, Henry?
Oh yes, it was very thoughtful of you, Henrietta. I believe I am pleased.
I put a tip of one fern into a plastic token ...
so that you can wear it always. If you want to.
Oh yes. Well, why not? I mean ... it will be a wonderful conversation piece.
"What frond is in your token, Henry?"
"Oh, my own frond. An Alsophila grahami. Why do you ask?"
You like it?
Yes, yes. very attractive, isn't it?
Good lines. I mean, for a frond.
Don't you ... don't you think it should be under ... under L? I mean ...
Alsophila lowellia or something?
I feel as though you've given me your place in the atlases.
Henry, I don't think I could have ever discovered it without you.
You gave me confidence.
You remember? You said that if being with you was going to give me confidence ...
I was going to be a very confident botanist.
Well, you were right.
Alsophila grahami. Well, well, well ...
Henrietta, what happens if you get lost in these woods?
- Well, various things. - Various things such as what?
For example, if there is a stream ...
then you would follow the stream.
- Which way? - We would follow the stream upstream.
Henry, I'm having such a wonderful time.
Our entire marriage has been like a long, beautiful field trip.
That's nice. That makes me feel better somehow.
Would you like some more Z11?
No thank you. It's the Z11 that's attracting them.
It's a repellent.
So they would lead you to believe.
Would you like some more Calamine lotion, dear?
No, thank you. It only makes it itch more.
They say that if you don't scratch, it itches less.
Well, they're wrong.
It only looks like it itches less because you're not scratching.
One just got me on the bridge of the nose.
Should we put something on it?
No, thank you.
From now on, Henrietta, I'll make the coffee.
Yes, dear.
You're all sticky, Henrietta.
I spilled the honey.
Here, Henrietta.
From now on, dear, I'll make the dinner.
What will I do?
You'll eat.
It seems easier to paddle somehow.
That's because the current gets stronger as we approach the rapids.
Look, dear, aren't they beautiful?
What?
The rapids.
Those are the rapids?
Yes. Just tell me exactly what to do, dear. I'm a very good sailor.
Paddle like hell towards shore!
Aaaah!
- What? - Never mind!
- Never mind? - Never mind!
Do I have to paddle in any particular direction, dear?
Full harder to the left side!
The left side! Full harder!
Although we keep fulling on the left side, we seem to be heading towards the bank.
Aaaahhh! The right side!
The right side!
Henry, how much longer do the rapids go on?
That's odd.
It just seems to stop.
Oh, Henry! Listen! Henry, it sounds like a waterfall!
Oh my God. That's what it is.
It just stops and becomes a waterfall.
Paddle like hell towards the bank! Towards the bank!
There is no bank! There is just a lot of rocks!
Henry?
I can't ...
I can't swim.
Henry!
Henrietta, you hold on on to that log until I tell you to let go!
The canoe overturned. I looked desperately through the waters but ...
I ... I couldn't find her.
Henry?
And ... if only she had told me she couldn't swim.
If only we had taken a guide.
But she had her heart set on going with me alone.
Alright, Henrietta! I'm ready for you now!
Take a deep breath, hold your nose and let go!
Henrietta, look. I mean ...
Look. An Alsophila grahami.
Alsophila grahami.
Up here, in the north woods.
I've lost it. I've lost my token.
I've lost my Alsophila grahami.
Henrietta.
Henrietta! Dammit to hell!
Damn, damn, damn! Nothing ever turns out the way it's supposed to be ...
Work a plan. Henrietta! Dammit!
Alright. You may breathe now, Henrietta.
You may breathe now. Let go of your nose.
Now, hold my shoulders. Face me. Hold my shoulders. That's it.
Hold on to them. Alright. Hold them.
Breathe, breathe. Through your mouth.
Keep your chin up. Chin up.
Breathe through your mouth. That's it.
And if you taste water, spit it out.
Don't spit on me, Henrietta. Just spit the water out into the river.
That's it. That's it. Now breathe. Very good.
Here now. Sit down in the sun and warm up.
That's right.
There.
Are you still cold?
Well, I better hold you. My body should provide some warmth.
Henry. Henry. Henry?
I'll always be able to depend on you, won't I?
All the rest of my life?
I'm afraid so.
Henry, the history classes are going to be much smaller this year.
Henrietta, I'm not going to teach history.
Probably.
It seems a shame, though, Henry. You are a very talented man.
Are you sure you won't change your mind?
I don't know. I have no mind as far as I can tell.
Are you still cold?
- I'm a little warmer. - Good.
- Henry? Henry? - Yes?
I know that this isn't exactly what you planned.
What?
But will you mind doing it very much?
Being a history instructor?
And going to the university with you in the mornings?
And ... grading term papers with you in the study every semester?
Not terribly.
Come. I think we'd better go.