1
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Good evening.
2
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The two films you're about to see
3
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are universally regarded
as seminal works of the '90s.
4
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Both films are at once
cogent narratives
5
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and living social documents,
effectuated as video diaries.
6
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The films are the work of
maverick director Paul Calf,
7
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promulgating his work as that of
the unreconstructed working-class male
8
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which dovetails oh so nicely
9
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with that bigotry that masquerades
as postmodernism.
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On seeing Calf's work, Jean Renoir
reputedly exclaimed, "C'est magnifique!"
11
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i.e. "This is magnificent!"
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whilst Krzysztof Kieslowski said,
"Calf is an existentialist cocktail,
13
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"occasionally pissed
but always compelling."
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Except in Polish.
15
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Calf himself, in a typical display
of litotes, simply insists
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that the camera was not stolen property,
adding that Polish films were shit.
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It would be easy to describe
the video diaries as depicting
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an iconoclastic fraternity disseminating
ribald proletarian zealotry.
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For what it's worth, my opinion is this:
I like them.
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Or, put simply,
they are the sine qua non
21
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of any iconographically aware person,
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or, to use the Calf vernacular,
"the dogs bollocks".
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Paul Calf's Video Diary.
24
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Oh, Paul, there's a red light, come on.
25
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-What does that mean?
-PAUL: Leave it alone.
26
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It's Fat Bob's video,
the one he got for Christmas.
27
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Your tea's on the side.
28
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(RADIO DJ CHATTERING)
29
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Paul! Your Ready Brek's getting cold.
30
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I'm up! I'm up.
31
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(BURPS)
32
00:01:58,660 --> 00:02:04,121
-Mum, have I got any pants?
-There's some in the drawer.
33
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I'm not wearing these. They're me dad's.
34
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-I'm not wearing dead man's pants.
-What about the ones you've got on?
35
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-I've had these on four days.
-Well, can't you turn them inside out?
36
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I already have.
37
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Oh, sod it. I'll wear me dad's.
38
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Mum, have you touched this?
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PAUL: Paul Calf's Video Diary.
40
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BOB: Done on Bob's video.
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PAUL: Fat Bob's video.
BOB: Yeah.
42
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Hello, my name's Paul Calf.
I support Man City.
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I like drinking. I like a laugh, chat,
you know, a bit of a debate,
44
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argument, scrap, fight,
punch-up, break some bloke's nose.
45
00:02:59,060 --> 00:03:00,683
I like life.
46
00:03:03,540 --> 00:03:04,820
Get on the roundabout.
47
00:03:04,820 --> 00:03:08,020
-BOB: I can't. It's going too fast.
-Is it, heck. Get on.
48
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-Get on, come on.
-(SIGHING) Right.
49
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Right.
50
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This is the playground where
I used to come when I was a nipper.
51
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BOB: It's where we first met.
Just by them swings, over there.
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(SIREN WAILING)
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There.
54
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No, er...
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BOTH: There.
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-There, over there.
-There.
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PAUL: All right, go on.
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See this, Paul?
This is a lethal weapon. Watch, watch.
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(CHUCKLING)
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PAUL: All right, get on with it.
61
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-Hello, I'm Bob.
-Fat Bob.
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Fat Bob. Paul's best mate.
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And I am a car mechanic.
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We met on these swings 20 years ago.
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And I was sitting here,
eating a Sherbet Fountain.
66
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And Paul come over and said,
"Have you got a light for me fag?"
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And I said, "No."
68
00:04:08,620 --> 00:04:11,620
So then he said, "Give us a bit
of your Sherbet Fountain."
69
00:04:11,620 --> 00:04:13,420
So I said, "No."
70
00:04:13,420 --> 00:04:16,420
So then, he emptied it over me head.
71
00:04:16,420 --> 00:04:17,820
(PAUL LAUGHING)
72
00:04:17,820 --> 00:04:22,180
And pushed me off the swing
and I cracked me head open.
73
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Had to have nine stitches.
74
00:04:24,140 --> 00:04:26,180
PAUL: I broke your finger an' all,
didn't I?
75
00:04:26,180 --> 00:04:28,740
No, no.
That were when we went to see Aladdin.
76
00:04:28,740 --> 00:04:30,213
PAUL: Oh.
77
00:04:31,260 --> 00:04:33,820
BOB: Beautiful, isn't it?
PAUL: Gorgeous.
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That is class. You can't buy class.
79
00:04:37,580 --> 00:04:41,100
-BOB: Where'd you get the fog lamps?
-Halfords.
80
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Whose MG is that?
81
00:04:42,980 --> 00:04:44,900
BOB: Roland. The bloke lives next door.
82
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Roland. The student?
83
00:04:47,780 --> 00:04:50,580
-BOB: No. He's an ex-student.
-Oh, aye.
84
00:04:50,580 --> 00:04:52,140
Yeah, it's looking good, Bob.
85
00:04:52,140 --> 00:04:54,140
Yeah, thanks.
It's a nice little motor this, Roland.
86
00:04:54,140 --> 00:04:55,518
Cheers.
87
00:04:55,900 --> 00:04:57,980
PAUL: Are you a student?
88
00:04:57,980 --> 00:05:00,140
No. I work in the
Virgin Megastore, actually.
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-Finished my degree years ago.
-PAUL: Oh aye, what in?
90
00:05:03,420 --> 00:05:05,380
-Social anthropology.
-PAUL: That's handy.
91
00:05:05,380 --> 00:05:07,345
-Got the keys?
-Oh.
92
00:05:07,780 --> 00:05:08,940
Cheers.
93
00:05:08,940 --> 00:05:11,300
Well, I checked your points,
changed your sparks,
94
00:05:11,300 --> 00:05:13,500
replaced the oil filter.
95
00:05:13,500 --> 00:05:15,660
There's all that welding
to be done underneath.
96
00:05:15,660 --> 00:05:17,780
So that's, er, what? £30 parts.
97
00:05:17,780 --> 00:05:19,820
But like I said, all that
work underneath, that's...
98
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£30 labour... 30... 60.
Call it 78 all in.
99
00:05:23,420 --> 00:05:24,660
-Fifty?
-Yeah.
100
00:05:24,660 --> 00:05:26,100
I can give you a cheque now.
If you want the cash,
101
00:05:26,100 --> 00:05:29,180
I can trundle off to the hole
in the wall, procure the old readies.
102
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Whatever you want.
103
00:05:30,540 --> 00:05:31,780
-Cheque will do, mate.
-Yeah? All right.
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PAUL (IN POSH VOICE): "Procure some
readies from the hole in the wall."
105
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-Sorry, is there a problem?
-"I'm sorry, is there a problem?"
106
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-Is there?
-Yeah, you.
107
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-Why?
-You're a student.
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-No, I'm not.
-You used to be.
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PAUL: Here, Bob, cop this.
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00:05:46,659 --> 00:05:50,140
Oh, look at me, look at me.
Look at me coat from Oxfam.
111
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Look at me little scarf
and me stupid cap.
112
00:05:53,100 --> 00:05:56,860
Why don't you shave? You're a wanker.
113
00:05:56,860 --> 00:05:59,620
Oh, my dear Oscar.
I wish I'd said that.
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-You're talking shite.
-BOB: Leave it, Paul.
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00:06:01,660 --> 00:06:03,180
-Who's Oscar?
-BOB: I said leave it, Paul.
116
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-Who's Oscar?
-Just a bloke.
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Yeah, your boyfriend, more like.
118
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Hey, Bob, you know what MG stands for?
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Mincing Great...poof.
120
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-You got a poof's car.
-What exactly do you mean by that?
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What exactly do you mean by saying
"you've got a poof's car"?
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A car for poofs. Poofmobile.
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I don't know. You work it out.
You're a student.
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So if mine's a poof's car,
is yours homophobic?
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You calling my car a queer?
126
00:06:28,860 --> 00:06:30,860
-No. All I'm saying is...
-No. Button it.
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-Fine.
-No. Shut it.
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-My lips are sealed.
-Right.
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You say another word, a little word,
anything, I'll hit you.
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Unbelievable.
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-Ah.
-Cheers.
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You know Paul. Well, he's...
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Look, when you talk to him, don't say
anything too clever, all right?
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Come on, I'll get you home.
135
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-Any damage?
-No, I'll live.
136
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Not you, the camera. I was only joking.
137
00:07:00,460 --> 00:07:03,180
-Panasonic MS4, isn't it?
-Yeah, that's right.
138
00:07:03,180 --> 00:07:05,420
-Me step-Dad got it me for Christmas.
-Yeah?
139
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They're good. I made a film at college
with one of these.
140
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-Oh aye, what sort?
-Do you know Dostoyevsky's The Idiot?
141
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Sort of based on that.
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-Hey, Paul. Roland here's made a film.
-Oh aye, what about?
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It's about an idiot.
I reckon we should get some beers in
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-and go watch it together.
-I think I've lost it, actually.
145
00:07:23,700 --> 00:07:26,060
Paul, come over here
and apologise to Roland.
146
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I haven't touched him.
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He's all right.
Look, he might help us with the film.
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Come on.
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00:07:38,020 --> 00:07:40,846
-How's your nose?
-It's all right.
150
00:07:41,500 --> 00:07:44,707
-Sorry about that.
-It's okay.
151
00:07:45,580 --> 00:07:49,511
Should've taken me ring off
before I hit you. Sorry.
152
00:07:53,620 --> 00:07:55,540
Caravan Life.
What have you got that for?
153
00:07:55,540 --> 00:07:59,183
-Free Frisbee. Luminous.
-How much?
154
00:07:59,300 --> 00:08:01,880
-It's free.
-No. The magazine.
155
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£1.90.
156
00:08:04,780 --> 00:08:08,140
You know, you could get one of these
at Bisco's for a quid.
157
00:08:08,140 --> 00:08:09,914
Is it luminous?
158
00:08:10,180 --> 00:08:12,719
-I don't know.
-There you go.
159
00:08:12,740 --> 00:08:15,416
I might want to read it, anyway.
160
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You having a party?
161
00:08:18,780 --> 00:08:19,966
No.
162
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But if I was, I'd invite you.
163
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What would you say if I...
164
00:08:28,860 --> 00:08:32,163
-£4 7.53.
-Yeah, right, okay.
165
00:08:32,500 --> 00:08:34,369
(SIRENS BLARING)
166
00:08:36,340 --> 00:08:39,340
Hey, Bob. We got
Missing In Action, Chuck Norris.
167
00:08:39,340 --> 00:08:41,633
-Get it.
-Right.
168
00:08:41,820 --> 00:08:44,100
-What are you looking for, Roland?
-Betty Blue.
169
00:08:44,100 --> 00:08:45,660
There's a new director's cut
I haven't seen.
170
00:08:45,660 --> 00:08:48,900
Well, Betty Blue.
That sounds all right, doesn't it?
171
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-Paul.
-What?
172
00:08:51,740 --> 00:08:53,820
Get this one out for me.
173
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Lesbian Fruit?
174
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Yeah, all right.
175
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(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
176
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(TYRES SCREECHING)
177
00:09:04,060 --> 00:09:06,220
-Julie!
-Who's Julie?
178
00:09:06,220 --> 00:09:08,220
-Bob, who's Julie?
-She's Paul's ex.
179
00:09:08,220 --> 00:09:10,226
Yeah? Give us a go.
180
00:09:14,420 --> 00:09:17,420
-Here, Paul.
-What's this?
181
00:09:17,420 --> 00:09:18,940
Last time we met,
you said you wanted back
182
00:09:18,940 --> 00:09:20,180
everything you bought me.
183
00:09:20,180 --> 00:09:22,900
This is it.
So you've no excuse to come round now.
184
00:09:22,900 --> 00:09:25,820
But Julie, I've changed.
I'm different now.
185
00:09:25,820 --> 00:09:29,300
-What's that, then?
-It's not for me. It's for him.
186
00:09:29,300 --> 00:09:31,060
And I'm the Queen Mum.
187
00:09:31,060 --> 00:09:32,540
I wish you were. At least she's single.
188
00:09:32,540 --> 00:09:36,260
-Well, I'm not.
-So this is it? It's all I get?
189
00:09:36,260 --> 00:09:39,809
Yes, Paul. That's right.
It's like you. Cheap.
190
00:09:44,220 --> 00:09:46,380
-Disposable.
-ROLAND: Aren't we all?
191
00:09:46,380 --> 00:09:48,386
You can get refills.
192
00:09:50,700 --> 00:09:52,610
(MOANING ON TV)
193
00:09:54,620 --> 00:09:58,114
-Where's me batter bits?
-I need chips.
194
00:09:58,260 --> 00:10:00,140
What sort of pie is this?
195
00:10:00,140 --> 00:10:03,060
-Meat pie.
-Yeah, what sort of meat?
196
00:10:03,060 --> 00:10:06,226
-Just meat.
-Yeah. Red meat, white meat?
197
00:10:06,580 --> 00:10:08,299
Sort of brown.
198
00:10:08,500 --> 00:10:12,500
Hey, Paul, it's a shame about Julie.
She is lovely.
199
00:10:12,500 --> 00:10:15,900
She's lovely, isn't she?
What do you think of Julie?
200
00:10:15,900 --> 00:10:17,220
-She's lovely.
-Yeah.
201
00:10:17,220 --> 00:10:19,281
My God, they're big!
202
00:10:19,420 --> 00:10:24,140
Yeah, she was special. You know.
She'd do little things for me like...
203
00:10:24,140 --> 00:10:27,497
Bleach me hair, wash me underpants.
204
00:10:28,300 --> 00:10:30,180
Wash me hair, bleach me underpants.
205
00:10:30,180 --> 00:10:32,420
You know, it didn't matter
as long as we was together.
206
00:10:32,420 --> 00:10:35,700
Only woman I've ever loved,
apart from me mum.
207
00:10:35,700 --> 00:10:38,660
If she's not careful,
she's gonna break that coffee table.
208
00:10:38,660 --> 00:10:40,300
I think Freud got it right.
209
00:10:40,300 --> 00:10:42,580
We're all looking for the selfless,
unconditional love
210
00:10:42,580 --> 00:10:44,020
we got from our mothers.
211
00:10:44,020 --> 00:10:46,620
-But you can't shag your mum, can you?
-That bloke is.
212
00:10:46,620 --> 00:10:49,260
-ROLAND: That's his auntie.
-Is that illegal?
213
00:10:49,260 --> 00:10:51,580
Hey, that girl looks like
that really tacky girl
214
00:10:51,580 --> 00:10:53,100
who works in the chemist
near Highfields.
215
00:10:53,100 --> 00:10:54,380
You know the one who wears
too much make-up?
216
00:10:54,380 --> 00:10:55,540
She looks like that.
217
00:10:55,540 --> 00:10:59,100
-Hey, he means Pauline.
-That's my sister you're talking about.
218
00:10:59,100 --> 00:11:01,140
-What?
-She wouldn't do something like that.
219
00:11:01,140 --> 00:11:03,620
-I know. I know.
-I can't watch it now.
220
00:11:03,620 --> 00:11:07,020
-And that bloke, he looks like Tony.
-Oh.
221
00:11:07,020 --> 00:11:10,540
I wouldn't like to see
Pauline and Tony in a porn film.
222
00:11:10,540 --> 00:11:11,740
No. I wouldn't like to see that, Paul.
223
00:11:11,740 --> 00:11:13,780
Shut up!
None of us would like to see that.
224
00:11:13,780 --> 00:11:16,020
I've just had an idea.
If you want to get Julie back...
225
00:11:16,020 --> 00:11:20,143
-MUM: Hello, Paul. I'm home!
-Turn it off. Turn it off.
226
00:11:21,700 --> 00:11:23,802
PAUL: No, the film, you prat!
227
00:11:26,620 --> 00:11:30,220
PAUL: All right, Pauline?
Just say who you are.
228
00:11:30,220 --> 00:11:31,820
I don't want to.
229
00:11:31,820 --> 00:11:34,940
-Go on, Pauline.
-All right.
230
00:11:34,940 --> 00:11:36,060
(CLEARING THROAT)
231
00:11:36,060 --> 00:11:40,900
I'm Pauline Calf, Paul's sister.
I work at a chemist at the moment,
232
00:11:40,900 --> 00:11:43,980
but I'd really like to be
a beautician in a salon.
233
00:11:43,980 --> 00:11:47,952
I'm 24, single and gagging for it.
234
00:11:49,340 --> 00:11:51,980
No, only joking. I'm 25.
235
00:11:51,980 --> 00:11:55,092
-Was that all right?
-BOB: Yeah, brilliant.
236
00:11:55,140 --> 00:11:57,260
Aren't you going to introduce me
to your new friend, Paul?
237
00:11:57,260 --> 00:12:01,220
Oh, yeah. This is Roland.
Roland, Pauline. Pauline, Roland.
238
00:12:01,220 --> 00:12:03,896
Oh, haven't you got soft hands?
239
00:12:03,940 --> 00:12:05,740
Aren't you a friend of Darren Little's?
240
00:12:05,740 --> 00:12:07,340
You know, Paul, you had
a fight with him at school.
241
00:12:07,340 --> 00:12:10,060
Wears an orthopaedic shoe, looks like
Patrick Swayze, works in John Menzies.
242
00:12:10,060 --> 00:12:11,940
-ROLAND: No...
-Bolero's Roller Disco?
243
00:12:11,940 --> 00:12:13,660
-ROLAND: I don't know him.
-No?
244
00:12:13,660 --> 00:12:17,140
Pauline, Pauline, we could stand
around here chatting all day,
245
00:12:17,140 --> 00:12:19,060
but, but we can't.
246
00:12:19,060 --> 00:12:22,100
We've actually got a favour
to ask you, Pauline.
247
00:12:22,100 --> 00:12:24,340
And if you can meet us
in the pub later...
248
00:12:24,340 --> 00:12:27,180
-A favour, oh aye?
-ROLAND: Yeah, it's about Tony.
249
00:12:27,180 --> 00:12:28,700
Oh, Tony?
He's going out with your Julie.
250
00:12:28,700 --> 00:12:30,100
-Yeah. Drives a red GTI.
-PAUL: Yeah.
251
00:12:30,100 --> 00:12:32,300
Used to be in the TAs. Dead fit,
isn't he? He goes rock climbing.
252
00:12:32,300 --> 00:12:35,020
Doing a parachute jump for charity.
Got a new house on the crescent, yeah.
253
00:12:35,020 --> 00:12:37,060
Earns about £500 a week,
Works at Alloy Wheels.
254
00:12:37,060 --> 00:12:39,220
Oh, he's dead fit, gorgeous,
nice tight little bum.
255
00:12:39,220 --> 00:12:41,185
Shut up, will you?
256
00:12:41,260 --> 00:12:43,799
How come you're so clued up?
257
00:12:45,140 --> 00:12:47,460
He's just been in. Bought some condoms.
258
00:12:47,460 --> 00:12:50,859
PAUL: What kind? Were they flavoured?
259
00:12:51,540 --> 00:12:54,270
Yeah. Smoky bacon.
260
00:12:57,020 --> 00:12:59,463
(MUFFLED DANCE MUSIC)
261
00:12:59,500 --> 00:13:04,540
You're talking shite, no way is
Chuck Norris harder than Stallone.
262
00:13:04,540 --> 00:13:07,980
Chuck Norris were there.
He were in 'Nam.
263
00:13:07,980 --> 00:13:11,620
He were a Vietnam veteran,
so it isn't acting, it's real.
264
00:13:11,620 --> 00:13:13,300
So you reckon
he done all his own stunts?
265
00:13:13,300 --> 00:13:14,828
Of course.
266
00:13:15,060 --> 00:13:17,700
Do you remember that bit,
the bit with the Mohican drug pusher?
267
00:13:17,700 --> 00:13:19,700
Oh, yeah. What was it he said?
268
00:13:19,700 --> 00:13:22,140
Er, he said, "Forgive me,
269
00:13:22,140 --> 00:13:25,540
"but you've got shit on your shoes
and I'm the shoe-shine boy."
270
00:13:25,540 --> 00:13:28,020
Then he lays him out flat.
It's brilliant.
271
00:13:28,020 --> 00:13:30,700
"Forgive me,
but you've got shit on your shoes
272
00:13:30,700 --> 00:13:32,500
"and I'm the shoe-shine boy."
273
00:13:32,500 --> 00:13:33,660
-Top!
-Top!
274
00:13:33,660 --> 00:13:35,020
ROLAND: Forgive me, gentlemen,
275
00:13:35,020 --> 00:13:37,980
but we have actually got a plan
we're supposed to be getting on with.
276
00:13:37,980 --> 00:13:39,420
-ROLAND: Yeah, Bob?
-Yeah.
277
00:13:39,420 --> 00:13:40,500
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
278
00:13:40,500 --> 00:13:41,620
-Paul?
-All right.
279
00:13:41,620 --> 00:13:43,202
ROLAND: Yeah. She's here!
280
00:13:43,460 --> 00:13:45,660
ROLAND: Bob, take the camera.
281
00:13:45,660 --> 00:13:50,260
Operation Julie. Phase one. The set-up.
282
00:13:51,300 --> 00:13:53,220
Hi, Fat Bob.
283
00:13:53,220 --> 00:13:54,660
All right, Roland?
284
00:13:54,660 --> 00:13:56,816
A pint of lager, love.
285
00:13:57,020 --> 00:13:59,220
-All right, Tony?
-Hello, Paul.
286
00:13:59,220 --> 00:14:01,800
-All right, Julie?
-All right.
287
00:14:02,500 --> 00:14:06,180
Hey, Julie. Our Pauline,
I think she wants a word with you.
288
00:14:06,180 --> 00:14:09,020
She wants to borrow
your step-a-matic something.
289
00:14:09,020 --> 00:14:11,300
She's still got me
Cindy Crawford fitness video.
290
00:14:11,300 --> 00:14:15,140
No, I've got that.
Trying to keep fit, aren't I?
291
00:14:15,140 --> 00:14:17,870
-Where is she?
-She's over there.
292
00:14:21,020 --> 00:14:23,020
I see you've got a new motor, Tony.
293
00:14:23,020 --> 00:14:26,860
Yeah. One previous owner,
but he didn't treat her too well.
294
00:14:26,860 --> 00:14:28,260
Yeah. Well, you'd better
keep your eye on it.
295
00:14:28,260 --> 00:14:32,540
-It might get nicked.
-Don't worry, Paul. I'll look after it.
296
00:14:32,540 --> 00:14:35,420
And I'll make sure
that I give it a regular servicing.
297
00:14:35,420 --> 00:14:40,115
After 10,000 miles, you'll find
the clutch sticks in third gear.
298
00:14:42,620 --> 00:14:44,776
Do you like me sister?
299
00:14:44,780 --> 00:14:46,940
Are you're going to the New Year's party
tomorrow night?
300
00:14:46,940 --> 00:14:48,700
-ROLAND: Fancy dress? Yeah.
-Yeah, me too.
301
00:14:48,700 --> 00:14:51,620
PAULINE: Who are you going as, Julie?
BOB: I'm going as the Incredible Hulk.
302
00:14:51,620 --> 00:14:53,700
I've got these two bowler hats.
I wanted me and Tony
303
00:14:53,700 --> 00:14:55,540
to go as Laurel and Hardy.
304
00:14:55,540 --> 00:14:58,100
Tony said that if we went as two blokes
people would think he was a poof,
305
00:14:58,100 --> 00:15:01,980
-so I'm going as Cleopatra.
-And what about you, Roland?
306
00:15:01,980 --> 00:15:04,420
# When I'm cleaning windows #
307
00:15:04,420 --> 00:15:05,860
BOB: I'm going as the Incredible Hulk.
308
00:15:05,860 --> 00:15:07,700
-You can't go as George Formby.
-Why not?
309
00:15:07,700 --> 00:15:09,060
'Cause Darren Little's going
as George Formby.
310
00:15:09,060 --> 00:15:10,140
Who's Darren Little?
311
00:15:10,140 --> 00:15:12,940
Wears an orthopaedic shoe, looks like
Patrick Swayze, works in John Menzies.
312
00:15:12,940 --> 00:15:14,700
And he's going as George Formby?
313
00:15:14,700 --> 00:15:17,500
-BOB: I'm going as the Incredible Hulk.
-I've perfected the voice.
314
00:15:17,500 --> 00:15:20,020
-"Mother!"
-Who are you going as?
315
00:15:20,020 --> 00:15:22,740
I was thinking of going as Sharon Stone
in Basic Instinct.
316
00:15:22,740 --> 00:15:24,260
-Oh, yeah.
-Little white dress.
317
00:15:24,260 --> 00:15:27,780
-And of course, no knickers.
-Wouldn't you like to know?
318
00:15:27,780 --> 00:15:31,940
-No, no knickers.
-BOB: I'm going as the Incredible Hulk.
319
00:15:31,940 --> 00:15:33,100
I'd better get back to Tony.
320
00:15:33,100 --> 00:15:35,020
He goes mental if I'm gone
longer than five minutes.
321
00:15:35,020 --> 00:15:36,548
All right.
322
00:15:37,420 --> 00:15:39,780
Are you really wearing no knickers?
323
00:15:39,780 --> 00:15:43,500
Lesbian Fruit. Yeah, I've seen that one.
324
00:15:43,500 --> 00:15:47,900
-She does look a bit like your Pauline.
-Well, it's worth bearing in mind.
325
00:15:47,900 --> 00:15:52,220
-She's got the hots for you.
-Has she... Does she...
326
00:15:52,220 --> 00:15:54,260
You'll need a walking frame
to get home.
327
00:15:54,260 --> 00:15:56,260
-JULIE: All right?
-All right, love.
328
00:15:56,260 --> 00:15:57,788
All right.
329
00:15:58,660 --> 00:16:01,380
Phase two. The bait.
330
00:16:01,380 --> 00:16:04,420
Pauline, I think we'd better
get down to the business.
331
00:16:04,420 --> 00:16:06,220
Can't we finish our drinks first?
332
00:16:06,220 --> 00:16:07,820
-No, I meant the plan.
-Oh, yes.
333
00:16:07,820 --> 00:16:10,180
Okay. Paul wants
to get Julie back, right.
334
00:16:10,180 --> 00:16:13,020
So we were thinking if Julie were
to see Tony with someone else,
335
00:16:13,020 --> 00:16:17,961
then she might get really jealous
and go back to Paul.
336
00:16:18,180 --> 00:16:20,527
You want me to shag Tony?
337
00:16:21,220 --> 00:16:24,380
Yeah. Yeah.
I mean, if that's okay with you.
338
00:16:24,380 --> 00:16:28,100
And then we could get Bob to film it
and show it to Julie...
339
00:16:28,100 --> 00:16:29,260
Was this Paul's idea?
340
00:16:29,260 --> 00:16:31,860
-No, mine.
-What kind of girl do you think I am?
341
00:16:31,860 --> 00:16:33,900
I think you're a nice girl.
342
00:16:33,900 --> 00:16:36,580
Where would you be
while I'll be getting it on with Tony?
343
00:16:36,580 --> 00:16:39,660
I'd just be lurking nearby.
344
00:16:39,660 --> 00:16:42,900
I bet you will.
"Room for one more on top?"
345
00:16:42,900 --> 00:16:45,580
All right, big boy. It's a deal.
346
00:16:45,580 --> 00:16:48,500
Oh... Oh.
347
00:16:48,780 --> 00:16:52,580
Is that a gun in your pocket
or are you just pleased to see me?
348
00:16:52,580 --> 00:16:56,648
-It's an erection.
-BOB: Is it time yet?
349
00:16:56,980 --> 00:17:00,420
Yeah, yeah.
Bob, remember your line for Julie. Okay?
350
00:17:00,420 --> 00:17:04,420
And Pauline, with Tony?
351
00:17:04,420 --> 00:17:06,767
See you later, lover boy.
352
00:17:10,220 --> 00:17:13,300
Nicholas Witchell. Nicholas Witchell.
Nicholas Witchell.
353
00:17:13,300 --> 00:17:16,780
BOB: Julie, Julie. Come quick!
Paul's locked himself in the gents
354
00:17:16,780 --> 00:17:18,617
and said he'll top himself
unless you come.
355
00:17:18,617 --> 00:17:21,380
Can we have that in writing?
Hello, Pauline.
356
00:17:21,380 --> 00:17:25,579
-Hello. Oh, is that Blue Stratos?
-Pagan Man.
357
00:17:25,579 --> 00:17:28,747
Julie, you'd better come. It's serious.
358
00:17:29,500 --> 00:17:31,060
Phase three. The toilet.
359
00:17:31,060 --> 00:17:33,694
TONY: So do you want a drink?
PAULINE: Yeah, a Taboo and black.
360
00:17:34,740 --> 00:17:38,420
JULIE: Paul, are you there?
PAUL: Yeah. I'm here.
361
00:17:38,420 --> 00:17:42,638
-I'll always be here for you.
-In the toilet?
362
00:17:42,900 --> 00:17:45,576
PAUL: No. I mean here in life.
363
00:17:46,780 --> 00:17:48,745
Julie, I love you.
364
00:17:49,340 --> 00:17:53,220
(SOBBING) Say you love me
or I'll end it all here and now.
365
00:17:53,220 --> 00:17:54,462
How?
366
00:17:56,500 --> 00:17:57,740
Drowning.
367
00:17:57,740 --> 00:17:59,860
(SOFTLY) Bob, what are you doing?
Pauline and Tony are at it.
368
00:17:59,860 --> 00:18:01,340
-Go on, get out there.
-BOB: Oh, sorry.
369
00:18:01,340 --> 00:18:04,547
JULIE: Paul, if you don't come out
immediately, I'm calling the police.
370
00:18:04,860 --> 00:18:07,460
...roast potatoes
and I like chicken legs.
371
00:18:07,460 --> 00:18:09,660
Not on me men, though.
372
00:18:09,660 --> 00:18:12,220
-Piss off, Bob.
-BOB: All right, Tony?
373
00:18:12,220 --> 00:18:15,460
-You know what? Piss off.
-BOB: All right, I'm going.
374
00:18:15,460 --> 00:18:17,179
Well, go, then.
375
00:18:17,660 --> 00:18:19,721
BOB: Go on, Pauline.
376
00:18:20,180 --> 00:18:21,900
What the hell's going on here?
377
00:18:21,900 --> 00:18:23,780
Nothing. Get off, you slag.
378
00:18:23,780 --> 00:18:26,510
-She's not a slag.
-Yeah, she is.
379
00:18:27,380 --> 00:18:30,341
I want words with you, Pauline Calf.
380
00:18:32,260 --> 00:18:36,220
-BOB: What should I do now?
-Stay here. No, erm...
381
00:18:36,220 --> 00:18:37,900
What's he doing?
He's supposed to be in the gents.
382
00:18:37,900 --> 00:18:41,020
-Stay here, Bob.
-You didn't kill yourself, then, Paul?
383
00:18:41,020 --> 00:18:44,380
No. It's half an hour till last orders.
Seemed a bit daft.
384
00:18:44,380 --> 00:18:47,500
Well, that's a shame, Paul, because
I thought you'd save me the bother.
385
00:18:47,500 --> 00:18:49,580
-Oh aye?
-Aye.
386
00:18:49,580 --> 00:18:53,060
Well, forgive me,
387
00:18:53,060 --> 00:18:58,020
but you've got shit shoes on,
you shitty shoe bastard.
388
00:18:58,020 --> 00:19:00,463
(CLAMOURING)
389
00:19:01,900 --> 00:19:04,439
ROLAND: Bob, I'll take that.
390
00:19:07,300 --> 00:19:10,372
ROLAND: Thank God for that.
391
00:19:13,380 --> 00:19:15,577
(SIRENS BLARING)
392
00:19:18,740 --> 00:19:19,926
ROLAND: Don't. No...
393
00:19:21,500 --> 00:19:23,100
(GROANS)
394
00:19:23,100 --> 00:19:25,860
PAUL: Mum, where's me tea?
395
00:19:25,860 --> 00:19:28,260
Is that all you've got to say
for yourself after last night?
396
00:19:28,260 --> 00:19:30,620
If brains were shit,
you wouldn't have a sniff.
397
00:19:30,620 --> 00:19:32,620
Jean-Claude Van Calf here
gets the hump last night
398
00:19:32,620 --> 00:19:34,740
and starts acting
like a pissed-up ninja.
399
00:19:34,740 --> 00:19:36,820
If you didn't whistle, you wouldn't know
where to wipe your ass,
400
00:19:36,820 --> 00:19:38,540
you daft bastard.
401
00:19:38,540 --> 00:19:42,300
-PAUL: Mum, she called me a bastard!
-You are one, love.
402
00:19:42,300 --> 00:19:43,420
(MAN CHATTERING ON RADIO)
403
00:19:43,420 --> 00:19:47,060
Roland, it was very kind of you
to get our Paul out of jail last night.
404
00:19:47,060 --> 00:19:49,300
No problem.
It was a pleasure, actually.
405
00:19:49,300 --> 00:19:50,780
The pigs were really
chucking their weight around.
406
00:19:50,780 --> 00:19:52,140
Really pissed me off.
407
00:19:52,140 --> 00:19:55,020
I was really pleased that I'd done Law
as an option in my third year.
408
00:19:55,020 --> 00:19:57,380
I had a few tricks up my sleeve,
you know?
409
00:19:57,380 --> 00:20:00,460
It was a nightmare.
Schopenhauer, where are you now?
410
00:20:00,460 --> 00:20:02,712
Mmm. You can say that again.
411
00:20:02,820 --> 00:20:05,060
Anyway, Paul, our Pauline's right.
412
00:20:05,060 --> 00:20:07,980
You want to get Julie back,
you'll have to change.
413
00:20:07,980 --> 00:20:11,380
-I want her to love me the way I am.
-Yeah, she don't, though.
414
00:20:11,380 --> 00:20:13,500
Could get a job, Paul. That might help.
415
00:20:13,500 --> 00:20:15,780
-Job?
-Yeah, you know, work.
416
00:20:15,780 --> 00:20:18,319
Job's a four-letter word to Paul.
417
00:20:19,060 --> 00:20:21,216
I don't think it's me.
418
00:20:21,620 --> 00:20:23,220
I'll get one tomorrow.
419
00:20:23,220 --> 00:20:27,220
Everything's tomorrow with you,
isn't it? Tomorrow never comes.
420
00:20:27,220 --> 00:20:31,260
-Yes, it does. It did yesterday.
-There's a job going at the Cinethèque.
421
00:20:31,260 --> 00:20:35,700
-I know the manager. I could have a word.
-That wanker's place up Gorlestone Road?
422
00:20:35,700 --> 00:20:38,780
-It's an independent art house cinema.
-Yeah, that's what I said.
423
00:20:38,780 --> 00:20:41,580
They're desperate. They need someone
to work in the veggie café.
424
00:20:41,580 --> 00:20:46,904
-You could start today.
-I'm not working in a vegetarian caff.
425
00:20:48,300 --> 00:20:50,380
Do you want some taramasalata
on the side?
426
00:20:50,380 --> 00:20:53,140
Please, and some alfalfa sprouts.
427
00:20:53,140 --> 00:20:55,679
Yeah, go on, treat yourself.
428
00:20:56,660 --> 00:21:00,728
-Is the houmus nice?
-Delicious. Made it meself.
429
00:21:01,100 --> 00:21:04,060
Hey, aren't you the bird...girl...person
430
00:21:04,060 --> 00:21:07,380
that I met in the supermarket
the other day? You served me.
431
00:21:07,380 --> 00:21:09,820
Oh, that's right.
You were buying all those cans of lager.
432
00:21:09,820 --> 00:21:12,932
Yeah, for a friend. Funeral. Very sad.
433
00:21:15,060 --> 00:21:17,700
-So you work here? Obviously.
-Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
434
00:21:17,700 --> 00:21:21,820
I like the people, you know.
And the food, of course. Get that free.
435
00:21:21,820 --> 00:21:24,660
As much mung bean salad as I can eat.
436
00:21:24,660 --> 00:21:26,570
Perks of the job.
437
00:21:26,700 --> 00:21:29,420
-Get free tickets for films and all.
-What's on?
438
00:21:29,420 --> 00:21:31,260
Uh, Orson Welles, The Trial.
439
00:21:31,260 --> 00:21:34,260
-Oh God, yeah. I love Kafka.
-Yeah, so do I.
440
00:21:34,260 --> 00:21:38,220
I don't think he's in this one actually.
It's got Anthony Perkins out of Psycho.
441
00:21:38,220 --> 00:21:41,700
It's the sequel, you know.
Where he gets tried for all the murders.
442
00:21:41,700 --> 00:21:43,860
I think you've got it
confused, actually.
443
00:21:43,860 --> 00:21:46,380
I'm studying Kafka as part of my course.
444
00:21:46,380 --> 00:21:50,020
The Trial is about an innocent man who
gets arrested for no apparent reason.
445
00:21:50,020 --> 00:21:53,860
-Did he hit a copper?
-No. I don't think so.
446
00:21:53,860 --> 00:21:56,700
I can get you a free ticket if you want.
447
00:21:56,700 --> 00:22:00,060
-Yeah, that'd be great.
-All right. I'll tell you what.
448
00:22:00,060 --> 00:22:02,060
If you come here tonight half-seven,
I'll give it you.
449
00:22:02,060 --> 00:22:03,980
Okay, great.
450
00:22:03,980 --> 00:22:06,273
-What's your name?
-Emma.
451
00:22:06,820 --> 00:22:08,881
-What's yours?
-Paul.
452
00:22:13,860 --> 00:22:15,780
See the way she was looking at me?
453
00:22:15,780 --> 00:22:18,780
It's obvious, isn't it?
She wants me body.
454
00:22:18,780 --> 00:22:21,820
Let's face it, Bob.
Having a body that drives women wild
455
00:22:21,820 --> 00:22:24,580
is a bit like having
a green Ford Cortina Mark 4.
456
00:22:24,580 --> 00:22:26,420
You've either got one or you haven't.
457
00:22:26,420 --> 00:22:27,980
-And I've got one.
-I haven't.
458
00:22:27,980 --> 00:22:30,740
Exactly. And if Julie happens
to see me with Emma,
459
00:22:30,740 --> 00:22:33,740
well, she'll have to realise,
she had a chance and she blew it.
460
00:22:33,740 --> 00:22:35,460
She let me slip through her fingers.
461
00:22:35,460 --> 00:22:38,340
She'll have nothing but memories
of what might have been.
462
00:22:38,340 --> 00:22:39,700
-And Tony.
-And Tony.
463
00:22:39,700 --> 00:22:41,300
She's welcome to him. I've got Emma.
464
00:22:41,300 --> 00:22:42,580
-ROLAND: Paul.
-What?
465
00:22:42,580 --> 00:22:46,740
If I might offer one petit word
of advice? I know girls like Emma.
466
00:22:46,740 --> 00:22:49,279
You've got to look the part.
467
00:22:49,620 --> 00:22:51,100
He's right, actually.
468
00:22:51,100 --> 00:22:55,358
Where am I gonna get a load of
wanky student clothes?
469
00:22:57,820 --> 00:23:00,260
Hey, Emma. Take it easy, man.
470
00:23:00,260 --> 00:23:02,260
-Kafka's kicking sound.
-Safe.
471
00:23:02,260 --> 00:23:04,020
Safe. I don't understand.
472
00:23:04,020 --> 00:23:05,940
-Who's Kafka kicking?
-No one.
473
00:23:05,940 --> 00:23:09,500
-I thought you said he was a writer.
-He is. It's just an expression.
474
00:23:09,500 --> 00:23:11,506
Try something else.
475
00:23:11,700 --> 00:23:16,354
Hey, Emma, got any Rizlas?
I'm dying to skin up.
476
00:23:16,740 --> 00:23:18,078
Wrong.
477
00:23:20,100 --> 00:23:21,382
Nope.
478
00:23:23,140 --> 00:23:27,460
Ah, hello, Julie.
This is my new girlfriend, Emma.
479
00:23:27,460 --> 00:23:30,060
I mean girlfriend in the non-possessive
sense, of course.
480
00:23:30,060 --> 00:23:31,220
-Good.
-Yes.
481
00:23:31,220 --> 00:23:33,940
Oh, yes. We're in such a whirl.
We're off to Vienna.
482
00:23:33,940 --> 00:23:35,220
-Venice.
-Venice.
483
00:23:35,220 --> 00:23:37,300
-Next stop, Uffizzy.
-Uffizi.
484
00:23:37,300 --> 00:23:40,700
-Uffizi. Yes, with Simone de Boovoir.
-Beauvoir.
485
00:23:40,700 --> 00:23:42,340
-Bovver. Beaver. B...
-Beauvoir.
486
00:23:42,340 --> 00:23:44,250
I can't. It's too long, Roland.
487
00:23:44,660 --> 00:23:47,103
(INDISTINCT)
488
00:23:48,460 --> 00:23:51,913
Hi, Emma. Settle an argument, would you?
489
00:23:51,940 --> 00:23:54,479
The Pompidou Centre.
490
00:23:54,500 --> 00:23:59,300
Postmodern eyesore or functionalist
dreamscape? What do you reckon?
491
00:23:59,300 --> 00:24:03,423
To be honest, I think you've set up
a false opposition.
492
00:24:04,620 --> 00:24:06,340
Do you know, I have, haven't I?
I'm very sorry.
493
00:24:06,340 --> 00:24:08,920
I didn't mean to offend you.
494
00:24:09,540 --> 00:24:12,620
-Have you got that ticket?
-Yeah, yeah.
495
00:24:12,620 --> 00:24:16,220
-Here you go.
-Oh, this is Mark, by the way.
496
00:24:16,220 --> 00:24:19,181
-Mark, this is... Paul, isn't it?
-Yeah.
497
00:24:19,900 --> 00:24:21,540
-Well, thanks.
-Thanks.
498
00:24:21,540 --> 00:24:23,218
See you, then.
499
00:24:24,620 --> 00:24:25,780
What did you go and do that for?
500
00:24:25,780 --> 00:24:27,980
Setting me up
with a false opposition like that?
501
00:24:27,980 --> 00:24:30,300
Don't ever set me up
with a false opposition again.
502
00:24:30,300 --> 00:24:31,860
I didn't. It wasn't a false opposition.
503
00:24:31,860 --> 00:24:34,821
-What was it, then?
-It was a paradox.
504
00:24:35,140 --> 00:24:37,816
It was a paradox, you daft cow!
505
00:24:38,740 --> 00:24:40,540
Sod it. I didn't want
to see the film anyway.
506
00:24:40,540 --> 00:24:45,427
I'm gonna toss some Chinese leaves.
Come on, Bob, let's get pissed.
507
00:24:45,780 --> 00:24:48,460
It's all gone, mate. There's none left.
508
00:24:48,460 --> 00:24:50,903
One bottle and I've got it.
509
00:24:52,500 --> 00:24:56,431
-How was it?
-How was it? What was it?
510
00:24:57,300 --> 00:24:59,140
It was a mess.
I don't think I understood it.
511
00:24:59,140 --> 00:25:01,860
Was it a thriller? Was it an allegory?
512
00:25:01,860 --> 00:25:04,140
It was like mixing
Pop Tarts with caviar.
513
00:25:04,140 --> 00:25:05,300
I like Pop Tarts.
514
00:25:05,300 --> 00:25:08,540
To be honest, I'd rather have seen
Dave Lee Travis play Macbeth.
515
00:25:08,540 --> 00:25:12,020
BOB: Roland, take the camera.
I think I'm gonna chuck up.
516
00:25:12,020 --> 00:25:13,739
(BOB RETCHING)
517
00:25:16,420 --> 00:25:17,948
Hey.
518
00:25:18,140 --> 00:25:21,060
Did you enjoy it or did it have
too much false opposition?
519
00:25:21,060 --> 00:25:23,694
Or was it too paradox for you?
520
00:25:24,380 --> 00:25:26,460
Hey, thanks for the ticket.
521
00:25:26,460 --> 00:25:29,100
Sorry if there was
any confusion about...
522
00:25:29,100 --> 00:25:30,540
Did you enjoy it?
523
00:25:30,540 --> 00:25:34,660
Nah. I'd rather see Dave Lee Travis
play Macbeth.
524
00:25:34,660 --> 00:25:38,020
Really? Interesting.
I thought it had a great energy.
525
00:25:38,020 --> 00:25:40,460
No, no, no...
526
00:25:40,460 --> 00:25:44,337
I'd rather see Dave Lee Travis
play Macbeth.
527
00:25:44,420 --> 00:25:47,500
-Come on, it wasn't that bad.
-You calling me a liar?
528
00:25:47,500 --> 00:25:51,060
-No, I'm simply saying that...
-"No. I'm simply saying..."
529
00:25:51,060 --> 00:25:53,460
Say, "I'd rather see Dave Lee Travis
play Macbeth."
530
00:25:53,460 --> 00:25:55,380
Please, we don't want any trouble.
531
00:25:55,380 --> 00:25:56,860
-You're making a fool of yourself.
-Say it.
532
00:25:56,860 --> 00:25:59,780
I'd rather see Dave Lee Travis
play Macbeth.
533
00:25:59,780 --> 00:26:01,500
-Just say it, Mark.
-No. Look, can't we...
534
00:26:01,500 --> 00:26:02,820
Say it!
535
00:26:02,820 --> 00:26:07,620
I'd rather see Dave Lee Travis
play Macbeth.
536
00:26:07,620 --> 00:26:09,460
-Say it, Mark.
-This is...
537
00:26:09,460 --> 00:26:11,100
Say it!
538
00:26:11,100 --> 00:26:13,700
I'd rather see Dave Lee Travis
play Macbeth.
539
00:26:13,700 --> 00:26:15,078
Louder.
540
00:26:16,180 --> 00:26:20,060
I'd rather see Dave Lee Travis
play Macbeth.
541
00:26:20,060 --> 00:26:22,020
You daft twat.
542
00:26:22,020 --> 00:26:23,166
(LAUGHING)
543
00:26:25,860 --> 00:26:29,450
-Are you swaying or is it me?
-It's both of us.
544
00:26:29,980 --> 00:26:32,100
Me and Emma, we just didn't hit it off.
545
00:26:32,100 --> 00:26:33,860
There was something about her
I didn't like.
546
00:26:33,860 --> 00:26:36,540
-The boyfriend?
-That was it. Yeah.
547
00:26:36,540 --> 00:26:38,020
I love Julie.
548
00:26:38,020 --> 00:26:41,380
I can't lie any more.
I'd do anything to get her back.
549
00:26:41,380 --> 00:26:44,206
I'd give up drinking.
550
00:26:45,060 --> 00:26:49,020
I'd cut down. You know, on spirits.
551
00:26:49,020 --> 00:26:51,020
During the week, you know,
the point is I'd change.
552
00:26:51,020 --> 00:26:53,300
Come on, Paul. It's not gonna happen.
553
00:26:53,300 --> 00:26:56,020
You need to make some
big romantic gesture.
554
00:26:56,020 --> 00:26:59,380
Look, Julie's going to the
fancy dress tonight as Cleopatra.
555
00:26:59,380 --> 00:27:01,220
Why don't you go as Antony?
556
00:27:01,220 --> 00:27:03,700
-Anthony who?
-BOB: I'm going as the Incredible Hulk.
557
00:27:03,700 --> 00:27:07,260
Don't know his surname,
but Antony as in Antony and Cleopatra.
558
00:27:07,260 --> 00:27:08,540
What does he wear?
559
00:27:08,540 --> 00:27:12,500
Well, sort of a white tunic with
a little golden rope tied round it,
560
00:27:12,500 --> 00:27:16,580
and sandals, a laurel crown, tights.
561
00:27:16,580 --> 00:27:20,380
He wears tights. Maybe not.
562
00:27:20,380 --> 00:27:23,380
Don't worry about me.
Who are you going as?
563
00:27:23,380 --> 00:27:28,075
"I have nothing to declare
but my genius."
564
00:27:29,220 --> 00:27:30,748
"A handbag."
565
00:27:32,100 --> 00:27:35,266
-Oscar Wilde.
-Yeah, that's brilliant, that.
566
00:27:35,300 --> 00:27:37,593
Who are you going as, Bob?
567
00:27:38,180 --> 00:27:41,340
What's going on?
These aren't Oscar Wilde's trousers.
568
00:27:41,340 --> 00:27:42,940
PAULINE: You'd better take 'em off,
then, hadn't you?
569
00:27:42,940 --> 00:27:45,740
BOB: Hey, they're mine.
They're the Incredible Hulk's trousers.
570
00:27:45,740 --> 00:27:50,285
-Where's my black velvet pantaloons?
-Well, what do you think?
571
00:27:50,540 --> 00:27:52,420
You look beautiful.
572
00:27:52,420 --> 00:27:54,060
I thought you were going
as Sharon Stone.
573
00:27:54,060 --> 00:27:59,140
No. Venus, the goddess of love. You know
what rhymes with Venus, don't you?
574
00:27:59,140 --> 00:28:01,860
-PAUL: Penis!
-Hurry up in that bathroom, will ya?
575
00:28:01,860 --> 00:28:04,980
It's a good job you're not going
as the Venus de Milo.
576
00:28:04,980 --> 00:28:08,242
-Venus de what?
-Venus de Milo. You know.
577
00:28:09,140 --> 00:28:10,500
You wouldn't be able to hold your drink.
578
00:28:10,500 --> 00:28:12,700
I won't be able to anyway,
I'll be legless.
579
00:28:12,700 --> 00:28:14,620
PAUL: Oh, they haven't
given me any boots!
580
00:28:14,620 --> 00:28:16,660
Paul Calf, come out that bathroom,
you little monkey.
581
00:28:16,660 --> 00:28:18,020
WOMAN: Come on, we're late.
582
00:28:18,020 --> 00:28:20,367
(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)
583
00:28:32,100 --> 00:28:33,778
All right, Bob?
584
00:28:43,940 --> 00:28:47,820
There is only one thing worse
than imitating Oscar Wilde
585
00:28:47,820 --> 00:28:51,219
and that is being Oscar Wilde.
586
00:28:51,860 --> 00:28:55,940
You're damn funny, aren't you?
I love it when you do that daft voice.
587
00:28:55,940 --> 00:28:58,980
Can you do Bruce Forsyth?
588
00:28:58,980 --> 00:29:03,730
Nice to see you, to see you nice.
589
00:29:04,180 --> 00:29:07,729
Can you do Sean Connery?
590
00:29:08,340 --> 00:29:10,580
Oh. Hello, Darren.
591
00:29:10,580 --> 00:29:12,354
Mother!
592
00:29:12,580 --> 00:29:14,832
He's damn funny, he is.
593
00:29:21,060 --> 00:29:23,312
PAUL: Oi! Oi!
594
00:29:23,340 --> 00:29:24,980
Evening, officer.
595
00:29:24,980 --> 00:29:27,300
Have you got Into the Valley
by The Skids?
596
00:29:27,300 --> 00:29:28,740
No.
597
00:29:28,740 --> 00:29:32,300
Have you got Musclebound,
Spandau Ballet?
598
00:29:32,300 --> 00:29:33,940
Sorry, mate.
599
00:29:33,940 --> 00:29:37,584
-Ultravox, Vienna?
-None of that stuff, mate.
600
00:29:41,380 --> 00:29:44,620
-Uh, have you got any Suede?
-Yeah.
601
00:29:44,620 --> 00:29:46,626
-Coming Up?
-Sure.
602
00:29:49,060 --> 00:29:51,353
-Here you go.
-Ta.
603
00:29:52,660 --> 00:29:54,953
(MUSIC STOPS)
604
00:29:55,300 --> 00:29:57,180
You got any Nirvana?
605
00:29:57,180 --> 00:29:59,700
Doing a bit of community policing, Paul?
606
00:29:59,700 --> 00:30:03,344
-Yeah, want some?
-Do you?
607
00:30:04,700 --> 00:30:10,620
Hey, Tony. Did no one tell you?
Supposed to be in fancy dress.
608
00:30:10,620 --> 00:30:14,940
Did no one ever tell you
that you're a twat, Paul?
609
00:30:14,940 --> 00:30:17,287
PC Calf to you.
610
00:30:18,220 --> 00:30:21,900
You are, are you not, Mr Tony Faye?
611
00:30:21,900 --> 00:30:27,020
Owner and driver of a Peugeot 205 GTI,
that's shit?
612
00:30:27,020 --> 00:30:29,900
-It's not shit.
-It is. It's knackered.
613
00:30:29,900 --> 00:30:32,020
What are you talking about?
614
00:30:32,020 --> 00:30:35,860
If you accompany me
to the exterior of this building,
615
00:30:35,860 --> 00:30:38,112
I'll bleeding show you.
616
00:30:39,380 --> 00:30:43,140
DJ: Everybody, let's party with Frankie!
617
00:30:43,140 --> 00:30:46,220
Were you aware
that you had a defective headlamp?
618
00:30:46,220 --> 00:30:48,540
-What are you doing?
-What does it look like I'm doing?
619
00:30:48,540 --> 00:30:50,983
I'm baking a bleeding cake.
620
00:30:51,980 --> 00:30:56,780
-It's a Happy New Year's cake.
-I don't like the look of that, Paul.
621
00:30:56,780 --> 00:30:59,741
No, you're right. It's a bit uneven.
622
00:30:59,940 --> 00:31:03,700
Paul, what are you doing?
You're a sad bastard.
623
00:31:03,700 --> 00:31:06,376
-I'm not sad.
-You're pissed.
624
00:31:06,900 --> 00:31:11,700
Yeah, but I'm not sad.
Julie, I don't understand.
625
00:31:11,700 --> 00:31:13,700
Why are you with him?
What's wrong with me?
626
00:31:13,700 --> 00:31:16,260
You never treat me,
you never take me anywhere,
627
00:31:16,260 --> 00:31:18,100
you're always late, you're drunk.
628
00:31:18,100 --> 00:31:19,300
-You're lazy.
-Lazy.
629
00:31:19,300 --> 00:31:20,380
-Aggressive.
-Aggressive.
630
00:31:20,380 --> 00:31:21,620
Don't help her!
631
00:31:21,620 --> 00:31:23,980
Paul, name me one reason
why I should go back with you.
632
00:31:23,980 --> 00:31:27,337
-There's loads of reasons.
-Name one.
633
00:31:28,700 --> 00:31:31,280
-Go on.
-Don't rush me.
634
00:31:31,860 --> 00:31:36,020
Here's one.
I never walk away from a fight.
635
00:31:36,020 --> 00:31:37,620
I run, don't I?
636
00:31:37,620 --> 00:31:39,180
-Come on...
-Get off.
637
00:31:39,180 --> 00:31:41,940
-And don't you ever...
-Hey, Tony.
638
00:31:41,940 --> 00:31:45,297
I don't reckon this is gonna
get its MOT.
639
00:31:49,820 --> 00:31:53,060
-What next, Bob?
-Back lights?
640
00:31:53,060 --> 00:31:54,642
Yeah, yeah.
641
00:31:57,460 --> 00:32:01,540
-Are you all right, Paul?
-Never better.
642
00:32:01,540 --> 00:32:05,460
All right. We're going back to
Roland's, then, to watch a video.
643
00:32:05,460 --> 00:32:06,940
BOB: Is it Chuck Norris?
644
00:32:06,940 --> 00:32:09,500
It's The Crying Game.
It's supposed to be amazing.
645
00:32:09,500 --> 00:32:11,460
-It won the Palme d'Or at Cannes.
-Oh.
646
00:32:11,460 --> 00:32:14,780
Yeah, there's a big surprise in it
in the middle when you least expect it.
647
00:32:14,780 --> 00:32:18,660
-Yeah, what's that?
-You'll find out, loverboy. Come on.
648
00:32:18,660 --> 00:32:20,762
(ENGINE REVVING UP)
649
00:32:23,500 --> 00:32:26,620
See you, Tony. Tony!
650
00:32:26,620 --> 00:32:28,300
Who's car's this, then?
651
00:32:28,300 --> 00:32:30,700
Hey, what do you think
you're playing at?
652
00:32:30,700 --> 00:32:32,802
Oh, it's yours.
653
00:32:33,620 --> 00:32:37,420
-Right, I'm calling the police.
-I am the police.
654
00:32:37,420 --> 00:32:41,638
-BOB: Come on, Paul. Let's leg it.
-No, you go.
655
00:32:41,740 --> 00:32:43,705
I'm stopping here.
656
00:32:46,420 --> 00:32:48,620
You see, you see, Bob,
657
00:32:48,620 --> 00:32:51,540
there comes a time
658
00:32:51,540 --> 00:32:54,380
when a man has to stand up
659
00:32:54,380 --> 00:32:58,598
and say, "Yes. I am Paul Calf.
660
00:32:58,980 --> 00:33:01,700
"I've done some bad things.
661
00:33:01,700 --> 00:33:04,220
"But if you can't accept me,
662
00:33:04,220 --> 00:33:07,860
"with all my paradox,
663
00:33:07,860 --> 00:33:11,860
"well, I'm sorry.
But I make no apologies for that.
664
00:33:11,860 --> 00:33:15,259
"All I'm asking for
is a little respect."
665
00:33:15,900 --> 00:33:18,180
-BOB: Do you want a kebab?
-Yeah. A large one.
666
00:33:18,180 --> 00:33:20,814
Plenty of chilli, no cucumber.
667
00:33:24,780 --> 00:33:27,127
-Hey.
-What?
668
00:33:27,820 --> 00:33:30,359
-Thanks a lot, Bob.
-Fat Bob.
669
00:33:30,820 --> 00:33:33,072
Yeah, Fat Bob.
670
00:33:34,260 --> 00:33:37,332
Bob the Blob. Fat Blobby Bastard Bob.
671
00:33:40,660 --> 00:33:44,209
-I thought you'd gone with Tony.
-No.
672
00:33:44,620 --> 00:33:47,923
-Are you going go back out with me?
-No.
673
00:33:48,980 --> 00:33:50,580
-Want some?
-Sure.
674
00:33:50,580 --> 00:33:53,160
DJ: Only five seconds to midnight.
675
00:33:57,220 --> 00:33:59,380
CROWD: Five, four, three, two, one!
676
00:33:59,380 --> 00:34:02,150
(CROWD CHEERING AND CLAPPING)
677
00:34:04,460 --> 00:34:06,616
Oh, shut up!
678
00:34:09,620 --> 00:34:13,551
-Happy New Year, Paul.
-Happy New Year, love.
679
00:34:13,780 --> 00:34:15,380
(CROWD SINGING AULD LANG SYNE)
680
00:34:15,380 --> 00:34:17,672
I really hate that song.
681
00:34:19,460 --> 00:34:21,562
Bag of shite.
682
00:34:24,500 --> 00:34:27,572
(CROWD CONTINUES SINGING)
683
00:34:38,020 --> 00:34:39,889
(SIRENS BLARING)
684
00:34:40,900 --> 00:34:42,768
(CROWD CHEERING)
685
00:34:48,420 --> 00:34:50,460
The Paul Calf Video Diary,
686
00:34:50,460 --> 00:34:53,540
apart from being regarded as
a landmark mise en scène,
687
00:34:53,540 --> 00:34:56,300
was also notable for the emergence
of Paul's sister,
688
00:34:56,300 --> 00:34:59,460
the nothing if not
loquacious Pauline Calf.
689
00:34:59,460 --> 00:35:01,999
-Pauline, welcome.
-Hi.
690
00:35:02,820 --> 00:35:05,540
Paul Calf, doubtless
a thematic innovator,
691
00:35:05,540 --> 00:35:08,993
but in his depiction of you
represented with a paradox.
692
00:35:17,100 --> 00:35:19,260
Do you want me to say something?
693
00:35:19,260 --> 00:35:23,232
Yes, I mean, do you think
you're seen as a dichotomy?
694
00:35:24,260 --> 00:35:27,300
I'm not lesbian.
Would you like it if I was?
695
00:35:27,300 --> 00:35:31,260
No, I'm merely suggesting that,
while some say your unique sexuality
696
00:35:31,260 --> 00:35:33,700
embodies the archetypal
disempowerment of women,
697
00:35:33,700 --> 00:35:38,940
others, myself included, see it as
a celebration of post-feminist feminism.
698
00:35:38,940 --> 00:35:40,060
(CHUCKLES)
699
00:35:40,060 --> 00:35:43,460
-You what?
-You're a woman on top.
700
00:35:43,460 --> 00:35:46,660
-You dirty bugger.
-No. No, Pauline, you misunderstand.
701
00:35:46,660 --> 00:35:49,676
Don't worry, love. I'm only messin'.
702
00:35:50,100 --> 00:35:52,393
I like your beard, suits you.
703
00:35:52,580 --> 00:35:55,020
I bet you think it makes you look
dead clever, don't you, hey?
704
00:35:55,020 --> 00:35:57,820
Waggling your long words around
like a big willy.
705
00:35:57,820 --> 00:36:01,620
I simply want to deconstruct
and appreciate...
706
00:36:01,620 --> 00:36:03,340
I'll deconstruct your trousers
in a minute,
707
00:36:03,340 --> 00:36:05,020
would you appreciate that?
708
00:36:05,020 --> 00:36:08,419
Hey, do you want
to see me Sharon Stone impression?
709
00:36:10,940 --> 00:36:14,100
-Tell me about Paul.
-He's a dickhead. Next question.
710
00:36:14,100 --> 00:36:19,178
-Cultural iconography.
-Look, do you want a shag or what?
711
00:36:19,300 --> 00:36:23,327
-Thank you very much, Pauline Calf.
-Is that it?
712
00:36:23,820 --> 00:36:27,860
-Next we meet the man...
-You wouldn't know what to do with it.
713
00:36:27,860 --> 00:36:31,300
Next we meet the man with his finger
on both the button of the camera
714
00:36:31,300 --> 00:36:32,780
and the pulse of the nation.
715
00:36:32,780 --> 00:36:36,980
Angry young man of the '90s or someone
with a bag of chips on his shoulder?
716
00:36:36,980 --> 00:36:40,911
-Mr Paul Calf. Welcome.
-All right?
717
00:36:40,940 --> 00:36:43,580
Firstly, what do you say to those
who argue that
718
00:36:43,580 --> 00:36:46,260
whilst there's an undoubted
economical eloquence
719
00:36:46,260 --> 00:36:50,060
in the robust vernacularisations
of Paul Calf,
720
00:36:50,060 --> 00:36:52,220
there's no substitute
for the rich semantics
721
00:36:52,220 --> 00:36:55,960
and natural poetic cadences
of English grammar?
722
00:37:01,220 --> 00:37:02,598
Bollocks.
723
00:37:04,660 --> 00:37:08,017
Three Fights,
Two Weddings and a Funeral.
724
00:37:11,940 --> 00:37:15,260
(SNORTING PHLEGM, SWALLOWING)
725
00:37:15,260 --> 00:37:18,700
Hello, my name is Paul Calf.
726
00:37:18,700 --> 00:37:22,820
Next Saturday, my sister Pauline
is marrying a Greek bloke called Spiros
727
00:37:22,820 --> 00:37:25,500
and I've got to get her
a wedding present.
728
00:37:25,500 --> 00:37:29,300
Now, I was going to get her
a complete silver service dinner set
729
00:37:29,300 --> 00:37:33,060
but me supplier no longer works
at the Crown Thistle Hotel.
730
00:37:33,060 --> 00:37:35,780
He's currently a resident
at Risley Remand Centre,
731
00:37:35,780 --> 00:37:39,220
where the cutlery is plastic,
for obvious reasons.
732
00:37:39,220 --> 00:37:41,780
Then I thought, I know,
I'll make a special effort, you know,
733
00:37:41,780 --> 00:37:45,820
do something personal. And I decided
to redecorate her bedroom
734
00:37:45,820 --> 00:37:48,686
but in the end I couldn't be arsed.
735
00:37:48,820 --> 00:37:53,300
So, instead, I've borrowed
this video camera from me mate Fat Bob.
736
00:37:53,300 --> 00:37:56,030
He borrowed it from his mate,
Mr Rumbelow.
737
00:37:56,340 --> 00:38:00,060
So, Pauline,
this is my wedding present to you.
738
00:38:00,060 --> 00:38:03,340
It's a video diary of
not only the ceremony,
739
00:38:03,340 --> 00:38:06,740
but all those topsy-turvy things
that happen when you marry
740
00:38:06,740 --> 00:38:09,180
a Greek bloke called Spiros.
741
00:38:09,180 --> 00:38:12,442
I've not met him,
but I'm sure he's very nice.
742
00:38:16,140 --> 00:38:18,700
He might be a right twat, you know.
You don't know, do you,
743
00:38:18,700 --> 00:38:21,820
until you've met him.
Anyway, enjoy the video.
744
00:38:21,820 --> 00:38:25,140
MUM: Pauline, I'm doing oven chips
and beans, do you want some?
745
00:38:25,140 --> 00:38:28,140
-We had that yesterday.
-I thought you liked it.
746
00:38:28,140 --> 00:38:29,540
There's a sausage in the fridge.
747
00:38:29,540 --> 00:38:33,860
PAUL: No, ever since she met Spiros
on holiday, she's gone all la-di-da.
748
00:38:33,860 --> 00:38:37,620
(MIMICKING PAULINE) "I'm not having
egg butties, I'm having an omelette."
749
00:38:37,620 --> 00:38:39,220
I meant something exotic.
750
00:38:39,220 --> 00:38:41,580
Well, should I open
a tin of pineapple rings?
751
00:38:41,580 --> 00:38:45,416
No, I meant something like moussaka,
something Greek.
752
00:38:47,140 --> 00:38:49,060
You looking at me tits?
753
00:38:49,060 --> 00:38:50,820
Fat Bob's looking at me tits.
754
00:38:50,820 --> 00:38:52,020
(CHUCKLING)
755
00:38:52,020 --> 00:38:55,460
PAUL: # Here comes the bride
What's she trying to hide?
756
00:38:55,460 --> 00:38:58,900
# There's something in the oven
Is it mother's pride? #
757
00:38:58,900 --> 00:39:00,060
What do you think?
758
00:39:00,060 --> 00:39:02,060
PAUL: You can't wear white,
that's fraud.
759
00:39:02,060 --> 00:39:05,100
And you can't walk round with your head
stuck up your arse but you manage it.
760
00:39:05,100 --> 00:39:07,300
MUM: Watch your bleeding language.
761
00:39:07,300 --> 00:39:10,020
You're quiet, Fat Bob,
what do you think?
762
00:39:10,020 --> 00:39:11,940
Look like a movie star.
763
00:39:11,940 --> 00:39:14,180
PAUL: (CHUCKLING) Yeah, Charles Bronson.
764
00:39:14,180 --> 00:39:18,438
That will be other Pauline and Mark.
Come on, Fat Bob, go and get the door.
765
00:39:18,620 --> 00:39:21,009
-MUM: Hurry up.
-All right.
766
00:39:21,020 --> 00:39:23,660
I say, what is she up to these days?
767
00:39:23,660 --> 00:39:26,220
She's... I think she's doing
teacher training or something,
768
00:39:26,220 --> 00:39:27,540
English language.
769
00:39:27,540 --> 00:39:28,980
PAUL: What's the point of that?
770
00:39:28,980 --> 00:39:31,500
You do that every day,
you might as well teach walking.
771
00:39:31,500 --> 00:39:34,134
-PAULINE 2: Hi, there.
-Hi, there.
772
00:39:34,620 --> 00:39:37,660
-PAUL: Hello, other Pauline.
-Hi, Paul.
773
00:39:37,660 --> 00:39:40,540
Oh, look at you.
You haven't changed a bit.
774
00:39:40,540 --> 00:39:42,700
You have.
What happened to your demi-wave?
775
00:39:42,700 --> 00:39:45,300
Oh, Mark didn't like it.
He said it looked tarty.
776
00:39:45,300 --> 00:39:47,740
There was nothing wrong with it,
it was just like mine.
777
00:39:47,740 --> 00:39:49,580
-Cup of tea?
-Please.
778
00:39:49,580 --> 00:39:52,980
-I don't suppose you got any chamomile?
-I'll go and have a look.
779
00:39:52,980 --> 00:39:55,620
-PAUL: Have we, bollocks.
-Where's Mark?
780
00:39:55,620 --> 00:39:57,660
He's in the car waiting for
your Paul and Bob.
781
00:39:57,660 --> 00:39:59,380
I thought you wanted to go
to the airport?
782
00:39:59,380 --> 00:40:02,060
PAUL: Yeah, we do. We're going now.
783
00:40:02,060 --> 00:40:05,780
-How's the teaching going?
-Fine. Busy as a bee. Buzz, buzz, buzz.
784
00:40:05,780 --> 00:40:09,260
Hey, we haven't got any of that
Caroline tea but we've got Tetley's.
785
00:40:09,260 --> 00:40:11,620
-Ah, no thanks.
-They're the round ones.
786
00:40:11,620 --> 00:40:13,681
No, I'll just have a glass of water.
787
00:40:14,420 --> 00:40:15,662
Sit down, sit down.
788
00:40:16,180 --> 00:40:18,460
So come on, then.
Tell us all about Zeus.
789
00:40:18,460 --> 00:40:19,580
Who?
790
00:40:19,580 --> 00:40:21,580
You know,
this Greek god you met in Corfu.
791
00:40:21,580 --> 00:40:23,180
No, he's called Spiros, yeah.
792
00:40:23,180 --> 00:40:25,300
Honest to god, Pauline,
he's dead romantic.
793
00:40:25,300 --> 00:40:27,380
When I saw him that day walking
along the beach,
794
00:40:27,380 --> 00:40:30,980
slapping those women's arses,
I thought, that's the man for me.
795
00:40:30,980 --> 00:40:35,060
Look, he got me this. As a keepsake,
you know, to remind me of him.
796
00:40:35,060 --> 00:40:36,900
Beware of Greeks bearing gifts.
797
00:40:36,900 --> 00:40:39,700
-PAUL: Yeah, like herpes.
-What time's his flight getting in?
798
00:40:39,700 --> 00:40:42,900
Now, and he'll be sat
twiddling his thumbs in the airport
799
00:40:42,900 --> 00:40:45,500
if Paul and Bob don't get off
their fat, lazy arses.
800
00:40:45,500 --> 00:40:48,420
-PAUL: Hey, mine's not fat.
-Yeah, mine's not lazy.
801
00:40:48,420 --> 00:40:50,700
Go on then, what you waiting for?
Go and get him. Can't wait.
802
00:40:50,700 --> 00:40:51,846
(EXCLAIMS)
803
00:40:53,740 --> 00:40:58,285
Here, Pauline, your water.
And I put a slice of apple in it.
804
00:41:00,100 --> 00:41:02,140
PAUL: I'm sure I've met you
somewhere before, Mark.
805
00:41:02,140 --> 00:41:05,540
Yeah, you threatened to hit me
about a year ago.
806
00:41:05,540 --> 00:41:08,740
-So many faces, you know.
-At the Cinethèque.
807
00:41:08,740 --> 00:41:12,140
Oh aye, yeah, yeah.
So what are you doing now, then?
808
00:41:12,140 --> 00:41:13,700
I teach English at St Cuthbert's.
809
00:41:13,700 --> 00:41:18,641
I don't believe it, I was expelled
from there in 1976, bonfire night.
810
00:41:19,540 --> 00:41:21,355
Has it changed much since then?
811
00:41:21,540 --> 00:41:23,620
Well, they rebuilt it after the fire.
812
00:41:23,620 --> 00:41:25,940
BOB: Is Nelson still there?
813
00:41:25,940 --> 00:41:27,660
-Who?
-Nelson.
814
00:41:27,660 --> 00:41:30,580
Mr Johnston, you know, boss-eyed
with a dicky arm.
815
00:41:30,580 --> 00:41:34,500
No, no, he's not there anymore.
He died.
816
00:41:34,500 --> 00:41:36,300
(CHEERING)
817
00:41:36,300 --> 00:41:38,647
What'd he die of? BO?
818
00:41:38,700 --> 00:41:40,474
Actually, he was my father.
819
00:41:40,660 --> 00:41:43,007
I'm very sorry. I didn't know.
820
00:41:45,900 --> 00:41:49,449
So, um... Did you get his job?
821
00:41:50,180 --> 00:41:53,387
-Yeah.
-Swings and roundabouts, isn't it?
822
00:41:56,220 --> 00:42:00,540
-So, you've got a Jag. Nice car.
-Thank you.
823
00:42:00,540 --> 00:42:02,540
Yes, I like to think it's
a little more distinguished
824
00:42:02,540 --> 00:42:05,500
-than your average boy racer.
-Oh aye. Yeah.
825
00:42:05,500 --> 00:42:07,656
It's a posh fanny magnet, isn't it?
826
00:42:08,420 --> 00:42:12,100
-Bet your Pauline likes it.
-Yeah, she loves it.
827
00:42:12,100 --> 00:42:14,393
Bet she does. All this leather?
828
00:42:14,620 --> 00:42:16,420
You know what they say, don't we, Bob?
829
00:42:16,420 --> 00:42:19,500
# If you wanna pull a babe
Buy a Jag
830
00:42:19,500 --> 00:42:22,580
BOB: # Once you throw 'em in the back
For a shag #
831
00:42:22,580 --> 00:42:25,979
Have you ever had a leg over
in here with your Pauline?
832
00:42:26,180 --> 00:42:29,866
Well, I can't deny there's been
a few spicy moments.
833
00:42:30,260 --> 00:42:31,700
Come on, then, lets hear it.
834
00:42:31,700 --> 00:42:34,780
Well, you know how it is boys,
it can get pretty steamy.
835
00:42:34,780 --> 00:42:39,134
-What does she do, then?
-I'm sure you can use your imagination.
836
00:42:44,300 --> 00:42:47,180
-What does she do?
-Look, it's a private matter.
837
00:42:47,180 --> 00:42:50,346
It's between me and her.
It's private, okay?
838
00:42:51,980 --> 00:42:57,441
I'm sorry.
Insensitive of me. Ill-mannered.
839
00:42:58,660 --> 00:43:01,772
She still got that tattoo on her arse?
840
00:43:02,140 --> 00:43:05,980
-BOB: What does he look like?
-Pauline says he looks like a Greek god.
841
00:43:05,980 --> 00:43:07,700
What's a Greek god look like, Mark?
842
00:43:07,700 --> 00:43:10,460
MARK: Well, it's difficult to say,
really, in Greek mythology,
843
00:43:10,460 --> 00:43:12,940
gods had the power to
transform themselves.
844
00:43:12,940 --> 00:43:15,900
A swan, a winged horse...
845
00:43:15,900 --> 00:43:18,630
Fat bloke with a tash?
846
00:43:18,900 --> 00:43:22,586
Spiros, Spiros. You are Spiros?
847
00:43:22,820 --> 00:43:25,646
-Yeah, yeah.
-PAUL: Welcome.
848
00:43:25,660 --> 00:43:29,209
-Bob Fat?
-BOB: Welcome, welcome.
849
00:43:29,700 --> 00:43:30,780
Hey, no!
850
00:43:30,780 --> 00:43:32,362
Get off!
851
00:43:32,540 --> 00:43:34,860
-Sorry. Welcome, welcome, Spiros.
-Yes, welcome.
852
00:43:34,860 --> 00:43:36,820
On behalf of all of the north
of England,
853
00:43:36,820 --> 00:43:40,380
welcome you to our culture.
We're great fans of Greece,
854
00:43:40,380 --> 00:43:42,140
all the kebabs, it's top, top.
855
00:43:42,140 --> 00:43:44,340
-Thank you very much.
-No problem.
856
00:43:44,340 --> 00:43:46,860
-Why is video?
-Oh, that's for Pauline.
857
00:43:46,860 --> 00:43:49,380
-A wedding video.
-Ah, hello, Pauline.
858
00:43:49,380 --> 00:43:51,460
-BOB: Where are your bags, Spiros?
-No excess baggage.
859
00:43:51,460 --> 00:43:55,100
That is my philosophy.
One bag, one love, one-nil, eh?
860
00:43:55,100 --> 00:43:58,140
Wherever I lay my bag, that's my home.
Marvin Gaye, huh?
861
00:43:58,140 --> 00:44:00,500
How do I know?
I hear it through the grapevine.
862
00:44:00,500 --> 00:44:01,932
(ALL LAUGHING)
863
00:44:02,140 --> 00:44:03,460
-Nice one.
-Great.
864
00:44:03,460 --> 00:44:05,540
This is Mark.
He's gonna be your best man.
865
00:44:05,540 --> 00:44:07,940
-Hello, Mark. Thank you very much.
-Well, it's my pleasure.
866
00:44:07,940 --> 00:44:09,540
Mark's going out with Pauline
at the moment.
867
00:44:09,540 --> 00:44:12,340
-You what?
-No, no. It's another Pauline.
868
00:44:12,340 --> 00:44:14,060
-There's two Paulines.
-Two Pauline Calfs?
869
00:44:14,060 --> 00:44:16,540
-There's only one Pauline Calf.
-And look who it is.
870
00:44:16,540 --> 00:44:17,820
-Darren, Clive.
-BOB: Hi.
871
00:44:17,820 --> 00:44:19,180
-Hey! Hi, Bob.
-You all right.
872
00:44:19,180 --> 00:44:21,780
-PAUL: Where you just come from?
-I've just come back from Corfu.
873
00:44:21,780 --> 00:44:24,660
Darren's been searched again,
it's his orthopaedic shoe.
874
00:44:24,660 --> 00:44:26,060
They think it's stuffed with cocaine.
875
00:44:26,060 --> 00:44:28,100
I wouldn't sniff owt
that's been in his shoe.
876
00:44:28,100 --> 00:44:32,300
Eh, Spiros, this is Clive.
He's Pauline's ex-boyfriend.
877
00:44:32,300 --> 00:44:34,340
-Well, one of them.
-Other Pauline?
878
00:44:34,340 --> 00:44:37,460
No, your Pauline. Darren, you used to
go out with Pauline as well, didn't you?
879
00:44:37,460 --> 00:44:39,140
-Yeah.
-I think everyone has.
880
00:44:39,140 --> 00:44:41,296
And Mark's going out with other Pauline.
881
00:44:41,460 --> 00:44:44,140
I've been out with Pauline Calf
and other Pauline.
882
00:44:44,140 --> 00:44:45,422
Yeah.
883
00:44:46,740 --> 00:44:49,260
We all go back years, you know, me,
Clive, Darren, Fat Bob
884
00:44:49,260 --> 00:44:51,416
were all at school together.
885
00:44:51,540 --> 00:44:54,024
Hey lads, Nelson's dead.
886
00:44:54,060 --> 00:44:56,162
(CHEERING)
887
00:44:56,700 --> 00:44:59,220
Lads, lads, sorry.
Nelson was Mark's dad.
888
00:44:59,220 --> 00:45:00,980
Sorry, Mark, forgot. Sorry.
889
00:45:00,980 --> 00:45:05,294
Yeah, Spiros,
Clive's all right except for one thing.
890
00:45:05,740 --> 00:45:07,020
He's a copper.
891
00:45:07,020 --> 00:45:09,660
Oi, didn't you used to work
in that kebab shop in Hull?
892
00:45:09,660 --> 00:45:11,460
The one that burnt down, Abrakebabra?
893
00:45:11,460 --> 00:45:12,606
No.
894
00:45:13,620 --> 00:45:16,260
Well, my friends,
take me to my Aphrodite.
895
00:45:16,260 --> 00:45:18,980
Have you got another beard on the side?
That's a bit out of order.
896
00:45:18,980 --> 00:45:22,100
-No, no, Aphrodite. It's Pauline.
-All right, nickname, nice one.
897
00:45:22,100 --> 00:45:24,180
-See you lads. Ta-ra.
-See you.
898
00:45:24,180 --> 00:45:26,260
So I hear you whisked our Pauline
off her feet, huh?
899
00:45:26,260 --> 00:45:28,740
Ah, no, no, no. Pauline, she whisked me.
900
00:45:28,740 --> 00:45:32,100
Always me in hotel room, do it again,
again, again.
901
00:45:32,100 --> 00:45:34,380
She say, "Spiros, we do it again."
902
00:45:34,380 --> 00:45:37,540
I say, "No, Pauline, I cannot walk."
903
00:45:37,540 --> 00:45:41,180
-She certainly is a feisty lady.
-She is a lady, a real lady.
904
00:45:41,180 --> 00:45:45,300
Yeah, Bob Fat, she a lady,
but in bed she an animal.
905
00:45:45,300 --> 00:45:48,220
She like a rabbit.
Again, again, again.
906
00:45:48,220 --> 00:45:49,540
Yeah, yeah, I can imagine.
907
00:45:49,540 --> 00:45:53,580
No, you cannot imagine, Paul. Being
in bed with Pauline, I never sleep.
908
00:45:53,580 --> 00:45:57,700
Like being in bed with a big drill.
Big Black & Decker.
909
00:45:57,700 --> 00:45:59,660
(IMITATING DRILL)
910
00:45:59,660 --> 00:46:01,700
Again, again.
911
00:46:01,700 --> 00:46:04,260
She think I have
Duracell battery in trousers.
912
00:46:04,260 --> 00:46:06,300
BOB: Yeah, yeah, all right, mate.
We get the picture.
913
00:46:06,300 --> 00:46:09,300
-Surprised you could stop her talking.
-She cannot talk when her mouth is full.
914
00:46:09,300 --> 00:46:12,500
All right, that is it.
That is a private matter.
915
00:46:12,500 --> 00:46:14,980
It's between you and your privates.
916
00:46:14,980 --> 00:46:17,177
And Pauline's privates.
917
00:46:20,060 --> 00:46:22,460
Nice car, Mark. Where you get car?
918
00:46:22,460 --> 00:46:24,860
Classic car dealer,
Hobson's on Mossway.
919
00:46:24,860 --> 00:46:28,067
Yeah, yeah. I know it.
Next to Texas Homecare.
920
00:46:31,180 --> 00:46:32,995
Pauline tell me about it.
921
00:46:33,300 --> 00:46:34,420
(HORN BLARING)
922
00:46:34,420 --> 00:46:35,580
(EXCLAIMS)
923
00:46:35,580 --> 00:46:37,740
-What are you doing?
-I lose contact lens.
924
00:46:37,740 --> 00:46:41,426
-You're wearing glasses.
-I have very, very bad eyesight.
925
00:46:42,900 --> 00:46:46,660
-PAUL: Spiros, this is me mam, Pat.
-Patricia.
926
00:46:46,660 --> 00:46:48,980
Now I know where Pauline
gets her beauty.
927
00:46:48,980 --> 00:46:52,100
-PAUL: Yeah, out of a tin.
-Oh, I'm charmed.
928
00:46:52,100 --> 00:46:55,900
-Would you like some pineapple rings?
-No, thank you. I eat on plane.
929
00:46:55,900 --> 00:46:58,300
Well, would you like
some sherry or lager?
930
00:46:58,300 --> 00:47:00,060
Eh, no, thank you.
931
00:47:00,060 --> 00:47:02,780
All I want is my Pauline.
Where is my Pauline?
932
00:47:02,780 --> 00:47:05,606
Oh, she's just powdering her nose.
933
00:47:05,860 --> 00:47:08,170
PAULINE: I'm coming!
(TOILET FLUSHES)
934
00:47:08,300 --> 00:47:10,552
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
935
00:47:12,260 --> 00:47:14,700
Pauline, you look more lovely now...
936
00:47:14,700 --> 00:47:17,526
I'll show you to your room.
937
00:47:21,060 --> 00:47:23,700
Oh, he'll be tired
after that long flight.
938
00:47:23,700 --> 00:47:27,672
-He'll want to get his head down.
-PAUL: He won't have much choice.
939
00:47:27,980 --> 00:47:30,540
Ta-da! Look at that, eh?
Worth getting married for, isn't it?
940
00:47:30,540 --> 00:47:31,660
(PAULINE MOANING)
941
00:47:31,660 --> 00:47:35,620
See this? Miniature Spiros.
Slimline, of course.
942
00:47:35,620 --> 00:47:39,780
And I put a little moustache on, see?
With a felt tip, you know.
943
00:47:39,780 --> 00:47:42,940
Right, I'm just nipping into town,
is there owt you want?
944
00:47:42,940 --> 00:47:45,540
Yeah, just some nibbles.
What about you, Bob?
945
00:47:45,540 --> 00:47:47,260
-Wagon Wheels.
-Yeah, Wagon Wheels.
946
00:47:47,260 --> 00:47:49,266
And get something for the morning.
947
00:47:49,500 --> 00:47:50,620
(MOANING CONTINUES)
948
00:47:50,620 --> 00:47:52,420
Just get a load of Wagon Wheels.
949
00:47:52,420 --> 00:47:56,300
Right, so I'm going to Hatland
to buy an hat
950
00:47:56,300 --> 00:47:59,780
and I'm going to the market to get
some cheap plates for that Spiros.
951
00:47:59,780 --> 00:48:01,820
You know, in case the fancy takes him,
with him being a Greek.
952
00:48:01,820 --> 00:48:02,940
(SPIROS AND PAULINE MOANING LOUDLY)
953
00:48:02,940 --> 00:48:05,660
No, I think I'll get paper plates
and I'll let him rip them up.
954
00:48:05,660 --> 00:48:07,820
-What do you think?
-Yeah, whatever.
955
00:48:07,820 --> 00:48:10,300
Right. Ta-ra!
956
00:48:10,300 --> 00:48:12,380
-See you. Hey, Bob, look at this.
-See you.
957
00:48:12,380 --> 00:48:13,900
(MOANING)
958
00:48:13,900 --> 00:48:17,066
-Paul don't do that.
-What is up with you?
959
00:48:18,980 --> 00:48:20,300
I love Pauline.
960
00:48:20,300 --> 00:48:21,780
(MOANING CONTINUES)
961
00:48:21,780 --> 00:48:24,169
We all do. She's very popular.
962
00:48:24,300 --> 00:48:27,220
-She makes a lot of people very happy.
-SPIROS: Pauline!
963
00:48:27,220 --> 00:48:31,300
But I don't see it as losing a sister,
more that I'm gaining...
964
00:48:31,300 --> 00:48:34,620
-a Greek bloke from Corfu.
-But I...
965
00:48:34,620 --> 00:48:36,060
I love her like a man loves a woman.
966
00:48:36,060 --> 00:48:38,420
I want her to look me
the way I look at her,
967
00:48:38,420 --> 00:48:40,139
as an object of desire.
968
00:48:40,900 --> 00:48:44,140
I don't think she looks at you
like that, Bob.
969
00:48:44,140 --> 00:48:45,900
-How do you know?
-Trust me on this one.
970
00:48:45,900 --> 00:48:47,820
-She might be thinking of me right now.
-She's not.
971
00:48:47,820 --> 00:48:51,314
She's thinking of Patrick Swayze,
take my word for it.
972
00:48:51,420 --> 00:48:53,140
You gotta let her go.
973
00:48:53,140 --> 00:48:55,580
I had to let Julie go,
now she's with Tony.
974
00:48:55,580 --> 00:48:57,980
Probably wearing the City scarf
I bought her.
975
00:48:57,980 --> 00:48:59,980
-How do you think that makes me feel?
-Cold.
976
00:48:59,980 --> 00:49:02,020
Yeah, cold inside.
977
00:49:02,020 --> 00:49:03,500
(MOANING STOPS)
978
00:49:03,500 --> 00:49:05,300
Look, you and me'll go
down to Cinderella's,
979
00:49:05,300 --> 00:49:06,740
there's bags of birds down there.
980
00:49:06,740 --> 00:49:10,420
-They're all over 40 and divorced.
-You're just getting fussy now.
981
00:49:10,420 --> 00:49:12,522
Bob Fat, Paul...
982
00:49:13,500 --> 00:49:15,889
You got any fruit?
983
00:49:17,580 --> 00:49:20,652
-Got a tin of pineapple rings.
-Yeah, okay.
984
00:49:22,580 --> 00:49:23,726
Thanks.
985
00:49:28,060 --> 00:49:29,660
Paul, me and Pauline have done it.
986
00:49:29,660 --> 00:49:31,340
-You what? When?
-Two weeks ago.
987
00:49:31,340 --> 00:49:35,885
Err, tin opener? Sorry. Thanks.
988
00:49:37,220 --> 00:49:41,300
It was fantastic, we made love
at least six times every which way.
989
00:49:41,300 --> 00:49:43,940
We were lost in a secret world
of ecstasy.
990
00:49:43,940 --> 00:49:46,980
-Where was this?
-On the night bus to Ottle.
991
00:49:46,980 --> 00:49:53,409
Pauline, she want to
borrow video camera.
992
00:49:56,780 --> 00:49:59,946
-Oh.
-PAUL: No, again.
993
00:50:00,740 --> 00:50:03,860
PAUL: Keep your eye on the fat bloke
near the door.
994
00:50:03,860 --> 00:50:05,006
Ah!
995
00:50:05,060 --> 00:50:07,500
Oh, come on, Bob. It looks like
you're doing it on purpose.
996
00:50:07,500 --> 00:50:09,580
-I am.
-PAUL: Look, there's 250 quid
997
00:50:09,580 --> 00:50:11,060
if this gets on telly.
998
00:50:11,060 --> 00:50:13,260
It's got to be like an accident,
hasn't it?
999
00:50:13,260 --> 00:50:15,266
Just think about your 50 quid.
1000
00:50:15,860 --> 00:50:17,900
-What do you think?
-PAUL: Brilliant!
1001
00:50:17,900 --> 00:50:19,780
Doesn't look too tarty, does it?
1002
00:50:19,780 --> 00:50:22,180
A dress could never look
too tarty on you, Pauline.
1003
00:50:22,180 --> 00:50:24,740
-Aah aren't you lovely? Have I hurt you?
-Yeah, you have.
1004
00:50:24,740 --> 00:50:26,420
I'll get some peas.
1005
00:50:26,420 --> 00:50:29,220
MUM: Pauline,
can I borrow your wonder bra?
1006
00:50:29,220 --> 00:50:31,100
PAULINE: Yeah,
it's on the floor next to me bed.
1007
00:50:31,100 --> 00:50:33,700
-PAUL: Did you have a good sleep?
-Yeah, yeah, thank you.
1008
00:50:33,700 --> 00:50:35,740
MUM: It's covered in pineapple.
1009
00:50:35,740 --> 00:50:39,300
There's a red one hanging up
under the picture of Patrick Swayze.
1010
00:50:39,300 --> 00:50:41,820
-MUM: Which one?
-The one of him sweating in a vest.
1011
00:50:41,820 --> 00:50:43,340
Hold that, just on
the side of your head.
1012
00:50:43,340 --> 00:50:46,020
Right, Paul, I don't want you turning up
ruining my hen night, right?
1013
00:50:46,020 --> 00:50:48,460
You can go where you like but you're
not to go in The Dragon, The Miller,
1014
00:50:48,460 --> 00:50:50,620
The Wheeler, The Pelican,
The Cow's Head,
1015
00:50:50,620 --> 00:50:53,020
The Loom, The Falcon, The Roebuck,
1016
00:50:53,020 --> 00:50:56,180
Cromwell's Fun Pub, The Partridge,
The Albion...
1017
00:50:56,180 --> 00:50:58,180
-PAUL: Which one?
-Both.
1018
00:50:58,180 --> 00:51:00,780
-The Gay Gordon, The Badger...
-BOB: O'Malley's.
1019
00:51:00,780 --> 00:51:02,860
-PAUL: Don't help her.
-Yeah, O'Malley's.
1020
00:51:02,860 --> 00:51:05,380
The Manor House, Nevilles' Wine Bar
and The Dog.
1021
00:51:05,380 --> 00:51:08,780
-MUM: Hey, don't forget Cinderella's.
-Oh, yeah, and Cinderella's.
1022
00:51:08,780 --> 00:51:11,220
-PAUL: Where does that leave us?
-The Dungeon.
1023
00:51:11,220 --> 00:51:12,940
-Paul's barred from there.
-Why?
1024
00:51:12,940 --> 00:51:14,700
-PAUL: It's a student pub.
-Oh.
1025
00:51:14,700 --> 00:51:15,820
(HONKING)
1026
00:51:15,820 --> 00:51:16,940
-Oh, there's other Pauline.
-All right.
1027
00:51:16,940 --> 00:51:18,700
All right, see you lads.
Have a good time.
1028
00:51:18,700 --> 00:51:21,140
Remember if you like it, do it,
if you don't like it, do it,
1029
00:51:21,140 --> 00:51:22,722
you might like it.
1030
00:51:23,260 --> 00:51:25,744
Oh, look at him. Like a little baby.
1031
00:51:27,540 --> 00:51:29,068
With a moustache.
1032
00:51:31,180 --> 00:51:33,940
Now, cop hold of that.
Push that knob and it goes in and out.
1033
00:51:33,940 --> 00:51:35,260
Do you get it?
1034
00:51:35,260 --> 00:51:36,940
(ALL LAUGHING)
1035
00:51:36,940 --> 00:51:39,574
Look at that, Learner,
that's a laugh, isn't it?
1036
00:51:39,740 --> 00:51:41,900
Advanced driver, more like.
1037
00:51:41,900 --> 00:51:44,820
Nigel Mansell.
1038
00:51:44,860 --> 00:51:47,540
Hey, do you remember what
we used to call her at school?
1039
00:51:47,540 --> 00:51:51,420
Cinzano. Any time, any place, anywhere!
1040
00:51:51,420 --> 00:51:54,340
All right! Anway it was Martini.
1041
00:51:54,340 --> 00:51:57,180
-Oh, look, truly it is Julie.
-All right, girls?
1042
00:51:57,180 --> 00:51:58,420
Hiya, Julie.
1043
00:51:58,420 --> 00:52:00,780
-PAULINE: The usual, Bezique and lime?
-Ta, Pauline.
1044
00:52:00,780 --> 00:52:04,540
-All right, Mrs C?
-Don't ask, I'm half-pished!
1045
00:52:04,540 --> 00:52:07,300
Ey well you'd better catch up then hadn't ya?
1046
00:52:07,300 --> 00:52:08,940
All right, Julie.
You know other Pauline, don't you?
1047
00:52:08,940 --> 00:52:11,260
-Oh, yeah, all right?
-How's your fella? Mark, isn't it?
1048
00:52:11,260 --> 00:52:13,100
That's right, he's great.
How's your Tony?
1049
00:52:13,100 --> 00:52:15,780
Arr, he's well chuffed, yeah.
Just got a new job working nights.
1050
00:52:15,780 --> 00:52:16,980
Delivery man or something.
1051
00:52:16,980 --> 00:52:19,860
Ey well he always had
a nice package on him, didn't he?
1052
00:52:19,860 --> 00:52:24,780
Julie, you know our Paul?
He holds a torch for you still.
1053
00:52:24,780 --> 00:52:26,420
That's not all he holds.
1054
00:52:26,420 --> 00:52:27,540
(ALL CACKLING)
1055
00:52:27,540 --> 00:52:31,060
No, listen, listen.
He misses you, do you miss him?
1056
00:52:31,060 --> 00:52:33,736
Yeah, like the thrush.
1057
00:52:36,500 --> 00:52:39,820
I've just seen Darren
and he's told me Nelson's dead.
1058
00:52:39,820 --> 00:52:42,304
(ALL CHEERING)
1059
00:52:42,700 --> 00:52:45,540
-That's Mark's dad, actually.
-Oh, yeah. Sorry.
1060
00:52:45,540 --> 00:52:49,340
Oh, excuse me,
is that a fireman I see over there?
1061
00:52:49,340 --> 00:52:50,700
What's going on, is there a fire?
1062
00:52:50,700 --> 00:52:53,620
All right, ladies, all right, ladies.
Don't panic.
1063
00:52:53,620 --> 00:52:55,860
Everything is under control.
1064
00:52:55,860 --> 00:52:57,580
-Tony?
-Oh, shite.
1065
00:52:57,580 --> 00:53:00,380
It's Tony. Hiya, Tony,
I thought you were a delivery man.
1066
00:53:00,380 --> 00:53:02,220
-Are you a fireman?
-No.
1067
00:53:02,220 --> 00:53:04,860
-I don't understand.
-It's just a costume, I'm a Strip-O-Gram.
1068
00:53:04,860 --> 00:53:08,260
I don't believe it,
you said you was a delivery man.
1069
00:53:08,260 --> 00:53:09,580
Well, I am. I'm delivering goods.
1070
00:53:09,580 --> 00:53:10,700
(ALL EXCLAIM)
1071
00:53:10,700 --> 00:53:11,820
Come on, then, get on with it.
1072
00:53:11,820 --> 00:53:13,700
I'm sorry, Julie, it's a job an I need money.
1073
00:53:13,700 --> 00:53:20,620
Pauline. Pauline Calf, woman of desire,
like a melon that is juicy and ripe.
1074
00:53:20,620 --> 00:53:27,180
Your passion is eternal fire,
so I've brought my big hosepipe.
1075
00:53:27,180 --> 00:53:29,100
I didn't make it up, I just say it.
I'm sorry, love.
1076
00:53:29,100 --> 00:53:31,256
(MUSIC PLAYING)
1077
00:53:31,820 --> 00:53:33,580
Lets see a bit more.
1078
00:53:33,580 --> 00:53:37,320
(I'M TOO SEXY PLAYING)
1079
00:53:38,300 --> 00:53:40,784
Put your pants on and go home!
1080
00:53:40,900 --> 00:53:43,140
Get 'em off.
Give us all a gander(?).
1081
00:53:43,140 --> 00:53:47,140
-No, he's going home.
-Oh, shut up, you. Get on with it.
1082
00:53:47,140 --> 00:53:51,300
Take no notice, cock, get your knickers off.
I paid good money for this.
1083
00:53:51,300 --> 00:53:54,060
I think he should stop. It's demeaning.
1084
00:53:54,060 --> 00:53:55,300
Go on, get your todger out!
1085
00:53:55,300 --> 00:53:58,794
-TONY: Leave it out!
-He's got the Sock Shop in there.
1086
00:53:59,260 --> 00:54:01,820
-Show us your helmet!
-Oh, shut it!
1087
00:54:01,820 --> 00:54:05,980
-Shut it, you! You just a bleeding slag.
-Hark at Mother Teresa.
1088
00:54:05,980 --> 00:54:07,420
Do you know your problem, Pauline,
1089
00:54:07,420 --> 00:54:10,020
your legs is like your mouth,
never shut.
1090
00:54:10,020 --> 00:54:13,780
You can talk. You couldn't stop
a pig in a ginnel*, you slag.
*alleyway, implying bow legs
1091
00:54:13,780 --> 00:54:15,745
WOMAN: Oh, my God!
1092
00:54:16,220 --> 00:54:20,260
Stop it! Stop it!
Stop it. This is so tacky!
1093
00:54:20,260 --> 00:54:22,780
-You, what?
-This. It's just so crass.
1094
00:54:22,780 --> 00:54:24,380
You pompous cow.
1095
00:54:24,380 --> 00:54:26,620
You get a couple of GCSEs
and you think you're Anne Diamond.
1096
00:54:26,620 --> 00:54:27,980
I pity you two.
1097
00:54:27,980 --> 00:54:30,660
-It's like feminism never happened.
-Oh?
1098
00:54:30,660 --> 00:54:31,860
(ALL GASP)
1099
00:54:31,860 --> 00:54:33,500
-You are dead!
-Come on!
1100
00:54:33,500 --> 00:54:38,660
Hey, hey, calm down. It's all over.
There's nothing to see!
1101
00:54:38,660 --> 00:54:41,020
I say, you can say that again.
1102
00:54:41,020 --> 00:54:43,081
(ALL LAUGHING)
1103
00:54:46,340 --> 00:54:48,920
Pauline, it's the morning
of the wedding.
1104
00:54:49,820 --> 00:54:53,140
Even though you're marrying Spiros,
I want you to know that...
1105
00:54:53,140 --> 00:54:54,478
(DOOR CLOSING)
1106
00:55:01,100 --> 00:55:02,778
(TYRES SCREECHING)
1107
00:55:04,900 --> 00:55:06,100
Paul! Paul!
1108
00:55:06,100 --> 00:55:09,460
I've just seen Spiros with all his
stuff tryin' to break in to Mark's car.
1109
00:55:09,460 --> 00:55:12,140
And then this other car come along
and then he ran back into the house.
1110
00:55:12,140 --> 00:55:13,420
Julie.
1111
00:55:13,420 --> 00:55:17,940
Julie, Julie, Julie, Julie!
1112
00:55:17,940 --> 00:55:20,137
Ju... Oh, sorry, love.
1113
00:55:23,500 --> 00:55:25,500
Paul, it weren't much cop last night,
were it?
1114
00:55:25,500 --> 00:55:28,020
PAUL: What, the Dungeon?
You can say that again.
1115
00:55:28,020 --> 00:55:31,380
Never thought I'd be glad to see
Darren with his dominoes.
1116
00:55:31,380 --> 00:55:33,300
How much did Mark lose to Spiros?
1117
00:55:33,300 --> 00:55:36,260
Paul, you know Spiros? D'ya reckon
there's something dodgy about him?
1118
00:55:36,260 --> 00:55:37,938
PAUL: Oh aye, definitely.
1119
00:55:38,180 --> 00:55:40,660
-That tash. Well dodgy.
-No, not that. I meant...
1120
00:55:40,660 --> 00:55:42,740
Bob, have you seen me suit?
1121
00:55:42,740 --> 00:55:45,980
-Where did you have it last?
-Dad's funeral.
1122
00:55:45,980 --> 00:55:47,890
PAUL: Oh, now I remember.
1123
00:55:48,420 --> 00:55:50,620
We buried him in it.
Wanted to give him some dignity.
1124
00:55:50,620 --> 00:55:52,489
That's important, dignity.
1125
00:55:53,700 --> 00:55:55,140
What did you wear?
1126
00:55:55,140 --> 00:55:57,980
Me shell suit, same as you.
We carried the coffin, remember?
1127
00:55:57,980 --> 00:56:01,340
-Oh, yeah.
-Never get over it when your dad dies.
1128
00:56:01,340 --> 00:56:02,580
You ever thought of tracking yours down?
1129
00:56:02,580 --> 00:56:04,900
Wouldn't know where to start, mate.
1130
00:56:04,900 --> 00:56:06,373
Prison records?
1131
00:56:06,980 --> 00:56:08,220
Listen, mate, I'm gonna
have to borrow your suit.
1132
00:56:08,220 --> 00:56:09,900
No way. I'm wearing it.
1133
00:56:09,900 --> 00:56:11,980
All right, then. All right, then.
When I turn up at the wedding,
1134
00:56:11,980 --> 00:56:14,780
and Pauline says to me, "Why, on
the most important day of my life,
1135
00:56:14,780 --> 00:56:16,500
"do you look like a bag of shite?"
1136
00:56:16,500 --> 00:56:18,820
I'll say because Fat Bob
won't lend me his suit.
1137
00:56:18,820 --> 00:56:20,780
That's how much he thought of you.
1138
00:56:20,780 --> 00:56:24,740
-Take it. No, take it. Take it.
-No. No, no. All right.
1139
00:56:24,740 --> 00:56:26,340
You'd have the shirt off me back
as well, would you?
1140
00:56:26,340 --> 00:56:27,963
Might as well. Complete the look.
1141
00:56:28,780 --> 00:56:32,220
Hello, Pauline. We're all getting ready
for the wedding, right?
1142
00:56:32,220 --> 00:56:34,460
Now, Spiros is about to come
into the bathroom
1143
00:56:34,460 --> 00:56:36,580
to prepare himself for the big day.
1144
00:56:36,580 --> 00:56:37,940
You're gonna see him at the church,
1145
00:56:37,940 --> 00:56:40,020
you know,
looking all Greek and handsome,
1146
00:56:40,020 --> 00:56:41,900
except fatter with a tash.
1147
00:56:41,900 --> 00:56:45,060
Well, let's see what he looks like when
he's rough as a buzzard's crotch.
1148
00:56:45,060 --> 00:56:47,449
Spiros, the bathroom's free!
1149
00:56:47,820 --> 00:56:49,060
Hello, Paul.
1150
00:56:49,060 --> 00:56:51,886
-PAUL: All right, mate? All yours.
-Yeah, all right.
1151
00:56:54,700 --> 00:57:00,940
# I'm getting married in the morning
Ding dong the bells are gonna ring
1152
00:57:00,940 --> 00:57:04,340
# Pull out a stopper
Make it a whopper
1153
00:57:04,340 --> 00:57:07,660
# But give me to the church on time
1154
00:57:07,660 --> 00:57:09,283
(SNIFFING)
1155
00:57:09,900 --> 00:57:15,980
# I'm getting married in the morning
Ding dong the bells are gonna ring
1156
00:57:15,980 --> 00:57:19,816
# Pull out a stopper
Make it a whopper #
1157
00:57:20,420 --> 00:57:23,900
(ENGLISH ACCENT) All right?
Yeah, it's Steve. Yeah. Got the stuff.
1158
00:57:23,900 --> 00:57:27,220
Yeah. See you at the airport tonight,
10:00, sorted.
1159
00:57:27,220 --> 00:57:29,100
You what? Hey, take it easy...
1160
00:57:29,100 --> 00:57:30,246
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
1161
00:57:30,620 --> 00:57:33,100
Spiros. It's Fat Bob,
can I come in? I need a slash.
1162
00:57:33,100 --> 00:57:35,300
(GREEK ACCENT) Umm, I am having shit.
1163
00:57:35,300 --> 00:57:37,940
(ENGLISH ACCENT) Yeah don't give me no aggro.
You're just a bleeding wideboy.
1164
00:57:37,940 --> 00:57:40,140
Yeah, nearly finished.
1165
00:57:40,140 --> 00:57:42,220
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
1166
00:57:42,220 --> 00:57:45,292
You're all mouth,
you soft-arsed bag of shite.
1167
00:57:46,380 --> 00:57:48,919
(GREEK ACCENT) Hey,
err, all finished...
1168
00:57:49,460 --> 00:57:51,616
Just get rid of that.
1169
00:57:52,460 --> 00:57:55,660
Spiros, what were you doing this morning
outside with Mark's car?
1170
00:57:55,660 --> 00:57:58,732
I was cleaning car for wedding.
1171
00:57:59,540 --> 00:58:01,020
Are they drugs?
1172
00:58:01,020 --> 00:58:04,980
Listen you sad twat. You keep your
fat trap shut and no one'll get hurt.
1173
00:58:04,980 --> 00:58:06,060
Pauline will.
1174
00:58:06,060 --> 00:58:08,540
How would you like it if I cut your
nose off and shoved it up your arse?
1175
00:58:08,540 --> 00:58:09,860
You want that?
1176
00:58:09,860 --> 00:58:12,020
-No, I don't want that.
-Would you like that?
1177
00:58:12,020 --> 00:58:14,260
-No. I wouldn't like that.
-Right, then, shut it and keep it shut.
1178
00:58:14,260 --> 00:58:15,380
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
1179
00:58:15,380 --> 00:58:19,340
PAUL: Hey, you two. What are
you doing in there? Having a snog?
1180
00:58:19,340 --> 00:58:22,060
(WHISPERS) Tell him
we're playing a game.
1181
00:58:22,060 --> 00:58:23,820
We're playing a game!
1182
00:58:23,820 --> 00:58:26,340
You what? What game?
1183
00:58:26,340 --> 00:58:28,442
-Dominoes.
-Dominoes!
1184
00:58:28,860 --> 00:58:30,442
PAUL: Dominoes?
1185
00:58:30,940 --> 00:58:36,551
Yeah, Greek custom,
on day of wedding. Play dominoes.
1186
00:58:36,620 --> 00:58:37,998
In toilet.
1187
00:58:39,140 --> 00:58:41,980
PAUL: Right. Well, hurry up.
We're gonna be late.
1188
00:58:41,980 --> 00:58:44,327
Spiros, I need the toilet.
1189
00:58:45,900 --> 00:58:47,619
(ORGAN PLAYING)
1190
00:58:53,900 --> 00:58:55,500
You're 20 minutes late.
1191
00:58:55,500 --> 00:58:57,460
I'm going to have to be quite brisk
with the service.
1192
00:58:57,460 --> 00:58:58,700
PAUL: Great. Quick as you like.
1193
00:58:58,700 --> 00:59:00,980
Listen, while we're here,
can I confess something?
1194
00:59:00,980 --> 00:59:03,060
No. This is neither the time
nor the place.
1195
00:59:03,060 --> 00:59:06,021
Last Christmas
I pissed in your petrol tank.
1196
00:59:06,260 --> 00:59:08,500
-Spyros and Pauline.
-Spiros.
1197
00:59:08,500 --> 00:59:10,660
You've come together in this church
1198
00:59:10,660 --> 00:59:13,260
so that the Lord may seal
and strengthen your love
1199
00:59:13,260 --> 00:59:16,140
in the presence of the church's minister
and this community.
1200
00:59:16,140 --> 00:59:19,460
-PAUL: Give us a smile, Julie.
-Christ abundantly blesses this love.
1201
00:59:19,460 --> 00:59:22,100
Do you love me?
1202
00:59:22,100 --> 00:59:25,540
And now he enriches and strengthens
you by a special sacrament.
1203
00:59:25,540 --> 00:59:28,300
So that you may assume
the duties of marriage...
1204
00:59:28,300 --> 00:59:29,620
(PAUL OINKING)
1205
00:59:29,620 --> 00:59:32,460
Oink, oink. Can I smell bacon?
1206
00:59:32,460 --> 00:59:34,275
Can I smell bullshit?
1207
00:59:35,500 --> 00:59:39,900
Spyros and Pauline, I shall now ask you
if you freely undertake the obligations
1208
00:59:39,900 --> 00:59:44,214
of marriage and to state that there is
no legal impediment to your marriage.
1209
00:59:44,620 --> 00:59:45,902
Uh...
1210
00:59:47,780 --> 00:59:48,980
Nothing.
1211
00:59:48,980 --> 00:59:50,940
Are you ready, freely
and without reservation
1212
00:59:50,940 --> 00:59:52,780
to give yourselves to each other
in marriage?
1213
00:59:52,780 --> 00:59:54,140
-I am.
-I am.
1214
00:59:54,140 --> 00:59:56,180
Are you ready to love and honour
each other as man and wife
1215
00:59:56,180 --> 00:59:57,300
for the rest of your lives?
1216
00:59:57,300 --> 00:59:58,620
-I am.
-I am.
1217
00:59:58,620 --> 01:00:01,460
Are you ready to accept children
lovingly from God
1218
01:00:01,460 --> 01:00:02,740
and bring them up according to the law?
1219
01:00:02,740 --> 01:00:05,060
PAUL: I heard your fellow turned up
last night. What's his name?
1220
01:00:05,060 --> 01:00:07,700
Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew.
Cuthbert, Dibble...
1221
01:00:07,700 --> 01:00:09,220
Tony, that's it.
1222
01:00:09,220 --> 01:00:11,950
Where is he now?
Showing his arse to Windy Miller?
1223
01:00:12,020 --> 01:00:15,300
Yeah. Well, he's not my fellow anymore.
I'm fed up with losers.
1224
01:00:15,300 --> 01:00:17,689
Right. So, what about you and me, then?
1225
01:00:18,020 --> 01:00:19,794
Did you hear me right?
1226
01:00:22,980 --> 01:00:24,620
PAUL: Shite!
1227
01:00:24,620 --> 01:00:25,902
PAULINE: I will.
1228
01:00:26,420 --> 01:00:29,060
I call upon these persons here
present to witness
1229
01:00:29,060 --> 01:00:34,460
that I, Pauline Lulu Calf, do take thee,
Spiros Zorba Panathageorgiados...
1230
01:00:34,460 --> 01:00:36,900
PAUL: I wonder what
that's worth at Scrabble?
1231
01:00:36,900 --> 01:00:39,260
...to have and to hold
from this day forward,
1232
01:00:39,260 --> 01:00:41,900
for better, for worse,
for richer, for poorer,
1233
01:00:41,900 --> 01:00:43,860
in sickness and in health,
1234
01:00:43,860 --> 01:00:46,780
to love and to cherish
till death us do part.
1235
01:00:46,780 --> 01:00:49,100
You have declared your consent
before the church.
1236
01:00:49,100 --> 01:00:51,500
May the Lord in his goodness
strengthen your consent
1237
01:00:51,500 --> 01:00:53,540
and fill you both with his blessing.
1238
01:00:53,540 --> 01:00:55,100
What God has joined together
let no man cast asunder...
1239
01:00:55,100 --> 01:00:56,180
(PAUL BURPS)
1240
01:00:56,180 --> 01:00:58,241
-PAUL: Uh, so sorry...
-ALL: Amen.
1241
01:00:59,380 --> 01:01:00,758
PAUL: Is that it?
1242
01:01:01,820 --> 01:01:05,464
(CHURCH BELLS CHIMING)
1243
01:01:07,780 --> 01:01:09,158
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
1244
01:01:09,500 --> 01:01:12,420
-Hi. How's your arm?
-All right. Look, can we go soon?
1245
01:01:12,420 --> 01:01:15,620
-We done our bit. Let's go.
-Well, I can't go. I'm the best man.
1246
01:01:15,620 --> 01:01:17,220
Anyway, I'm having a good time.
1247
01:01:17,220 --> 01:01:19,860
-What's wrong?
-I hate it. I hate Pauline.
1248
01:01:19,860 --> 01:01:23,340
I hate her mum, I hate her dickhead
brother, I hate this sodding dress.
1249
01:01:23,340 --> 01:01:24,820
I look like Bo bloody Peep!
1250
01:01:24,820 --> 01:01:27,380
Well, hang on. What's that, these
people are your friends, you know.
1251
01:01:27,380 --> 01:01:31,860
They're good people. They have a real
kind of folk simplicity I admire.
1252
01:01:31,860 --> 01:01:35,100
-They're harmless.
-She broke my bleeding arm!
1253
01:01:35,100 --> 01:01:37,060
It's good, Game Boy,
'cause it's a sport, right?
1254
01:01:37,060 --> 01:01:39,140
But you don't have to be athletic
to be good at it.
1255
01:01:39,140 --> 01:01:42,300
I get them cheap from John Menzies.
I'll get you one if you want.
1256
01:01:42,300 --> 01:01:45,420
Can you run a check?
Yeah it's a white Mercedes.
1257
01:01:45,420 --> 01:01:50,380
Registration number
Lima-9-7-4-Hotel-Yankee-Hotel.
1258
01:01:50,380 --> 01:01:51,900
You can finish mine if you want.
1259
01:01:51,900 --> 01:01:53,460
Shut up, Darren.
1260
01:01:53,460 --> 01:01:56,260
Reminds me of the day
that I married her dad.
1261
01:01:56,260 --> 01:01:58,607
Except, of course, he was in uniform.
1262
01:01:58,940 --> 01:02:01,060
He looked so romantic.
1263
01:02:01,060 --> 01:02:04,060
You know, with his ticket machine
over his shoulder.
1264
01:02:04,060 --> 01:02:06,260
She looks like a fairy princess.
1265
01:02:06,260 --> 01:02:09,660
Gammon, that's what we had. Too salty.
1266
01:02:09,660 --> 01:02:11,700
Chucked it down all day.
1267
01:02:11,700 --> 01:02:15,140
Pauline's dad clobbered the priest,
said he was eyeing me up.
1268
01:02:15,140 --> 01:02:17,420
Someone peed in the font,
and the best man, Teddy,
1269
01:02:17,420 --> 01:02:19,713
tried to put his hand up me skirt.
1270
01:02:20,900 --> 01:02:23,480
Was the happiest day of my life.
1271
01:02:25,140 --> 01:02:28,220
Come here, you little cow.
I'll give you a thick ear.
1272
01:02:28,220 --> 01:02:29,340
(LAUGHING)
1273
01:02:29,340 --> 01:02:31,860
Kids, eh? You little tinker.
1274
01:02:31,860 --> 01:02:33,300
I love kids.
1275
01:02:33,300 --> 01:02:35,839
-You are one.
-All right. Pack it in.
1276
01:02:36,180 --> 01:02:38,180
Anyone would think
we were going out with each other.
1277
01:02:38,180 --> 01:02:40,856
ALL: Cheese!
1278
01:02:42,300 --> 01:02:44,500
-Do you love me?
-Yeah, of course I do.
1279
01:02:44,500 --> 01:02:47,134
-Say it.
-I love you.
1280
01:02:47,340 --> 01:02:48,980
-You swear?
-Yeah, I swear.
1281
01:02:48,980 --> 01:02:51,082
-On your mother's life?
-Yeah, yeah.
1282
01:02:51,100 --> 01:02:53,900
-Where is your mother?
-She dead.
1283
01:02:53,900 --> 01:02:55,780
Well, that's not good, is it?
Swear on your life.
1284
01:02:55,780 --> 01:02:57,700
-I swear.
-Say it.
1285
01:02:57,700 --> 01:03:00,300
-I swear.
-On your life!
1286
01:03:00,300 --> 01:03:02,140
Okay, I swear on my life.
1287
01:03:02,140 --> 01:03:03,860
(GUNSHOT)
1288
01:03:03,860 --> 01:03:05,634
(PEOPLE CLAMOURING)
1289
01:03:06,060 --> 01:03:07,398
PAULINE: He's been shot!
1290
01:03:09,420 --> 01:03:10,660
Is he dead?
1291
01:03:10,660 --> 01:03:13,103
Oh, Spiros! Get an ambulance!
1292
01:03:15,100 --> 01:03:17,870
That's all I've got now, memories.
1293
01:03:17,900 --> 01:03:19,780
PAUL: And his arse on video.
1294
01:03:19,780 --> 01:03:22,852
Why? Why Spiros?
1295
01:03:22,900 --> 01:03:24,180
PAUL: Yeah, it could have been me.
1296
01:03:24,180 --> 01:03:26,100
I know. It's so unfair.
1297
01:03:26,100 --> 01:03:28,660
Come on, Pauline.
You've got to eat something.
1298
01:03:28,660 --> 01:03:31,390
All right. I'll have a corner piece
with extra icing.
1299
01:03:34,020 --> 01:03:37,140
I knew, I knew there was something wrong
the morning of the wedding.
1300
01:03:37,140 --> 01:03:39,624
You know, when I sat
on that Jaffa Cake.
1301
01:03:40,020 --> 01:03:43,180
-It was an omen.
-I know, I know, I know.
1302
01:03:43,180 --> 01:03:44,708
Salty gammon.
1303
01:03:45,340 --> 01:03:49,420
Still, I always say that death brings
out the best in people.
1304
01:03:49,420 --> 01:03:50,780
I mean, Hatland.
1305
01:03:50,780 --> 01:03:54,620
They changed my wedding hat
for a black one, no problem.
1306
01:03:54,620 --> 01:03:55,940
You've got to look on the positive side.
1307
01:03:55,940 --> 01:03:59,912
I mean, one day,
sooner or later, we're all gonna die.
1308
01:04:00,580 --> 01:04:02,660
Where am I gonna
find a man like that again?
1309
01:04:02,660 --> 01:04:03,900
PAUL: Corfu.
1310
01:04:03,900 --> 01:04:06,576
Look, Pauline. You've got to let him go.
1311
01:04:08,060 --> 01:04:09,342
He's gone.
1312
01:04:09,940 --> 01:04:11,740
Look, there's something
I've got to tell you about Spiros.
1313
01:04:11,740 --> 01:04:16,340
Look, it's him.
Like Neil Diamond, with a moustache.
1314
01:04:16,780 --> 01:04:20,060
# Pull out a stopper
Make it a whopper
1315
01:04:20,060 --> 01:04:21,940
# But get me to the church... #
1316
01:04:21,940 --> 01:04:23,940
Oh, my God!
1317
01:04:23,940 --> 01:04:27,220
-The conniving little bastard.
-PAUL: Bleeding hell.
1318
01:04:27,220 --> 01:04:29,340
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
1319
01:04:29,340 --> 01:04:31,940
-Hey, it's the police.
-PAUL: Are you sure?
1320
01:04:31,940 --> 01:04:34,220
Yeah, it's Clive, and Lynch is with him.
1321
01:04:34,220 --> 01:04:36,780
PAUL: Oh, shit. Hang on.
We haven't done anything wrong.
1322
01:04:36,780 --> 01:04:39,020
Pauline smuggled drugs.
1323
01:04:39,020 --> 01:04:41,860
-Oh aye, yeah!
-Just act normal.
1324
01:04:41,860 --> 01:04:44,260
PAUL: No, no.
You'll make them suspicious.
1325
01:04:44,260 --> 01:04:46,799
Right, I'll talk to them. Bob, cop this.
1326
01:04:48,300 --> 01:04:51,180
Ah, good morning, Sergeant Lynch.
All right, Clive?
1327
01:04:51,180 --> 01:04:53,740
May I take this opportunity to say
how resplendent
1328
01:04:53,740 --> 01:04:56,820
Her Majesty's constabulary
are looking this morning?
1329
01:04:56,820 --> 01:04:59,660
And can I also apologise to you
personally, Sergeant Lynch,
1330
01:04:59,660 --> 01:05:02,740
for that altercation that took place
between us last month
1331
01:05:02,740 --> 01:05:05,420
outside the Taj Mahal.
The one in Ottle, of course.
1332
01:05:05,420 --> 01:05:07,620
-Hello, Paul.
-Hello.
1333
01:05:07,620 --> 01:05:09,100
I'm sorry about that argument we had.
1334
01:05:09,100 --> 01:05:10,660
All right, Paul. Water under the bridge.
1335
01:05:10,660 --> 01:05:12,020
No, no, no.
I shouldn't have head-butted you.
1336
01:05:12,020 --> 01:05:13,940
-Should I, Clive?
-No, no, you shouldn't have.
1337
01:05:13,940 --> 01:05:15,420
Least said, soonest mended.
1338
01:05:15,420 --> 01:05:17,576
-But you were out of order.
-Drop it!
1339
01:05:18,100 --> 01:05:20,180
Finished your community service, then,
have you?
1340
01:05:20,180 --> 01:05:22,980
Oh, yeah. All done.
The canal's never looked so clean.
1341
01:05:22,980 --> 01:05:25,620
Good. Right. There you go,
you have a read of that.
1342
01:05:25,620 --> 01:05:27,500
For the last week you've been harbouring
a known criminal,
1343
01:05:27,500 --> 01:05:29,340
that's a warrant to search the premises.
1344
01:05:29,340 --> 01:05:32,260
Fat Robert, would you be so good
as to fetch my reading glasses, please?
1345
01:05:32,260 --> 01:05:34,075
Don't muck about, Paul.
1346
01:05:34,740 --> 01:05:36,140
Hang on. This is wrong.
1347
01:05:36,140 --> 01:05:37,900
It says the home of the Calf family.
1348
01:05:37,900 --> 01:05:39,500
I think if you check your records
1349
01:05:39,500 --> 01:05:42,740
you'll find that this house is in fact
the property of the council.
1350
01:05:42,740 --> 01:05:45,660
Very funny, Paul.
We're coming in, nice or nasty.
1351
01:05:45,660 --> 01:05:47,540
-BOB: What's the date today?
-15th.
1352
01:05:47,540 --> 01:05:49,300
BOB: It says 16th on here.
That's tomorrow.
1353
01:05:49,300 --> 01:05:50,660
-Shite!
-I did say.
1354
01:05:50,660 --> 01:05:52,140
Yes, I know.
1355
01:05:52,140 --> 01:05:54,420
Well, it looks like you have to go buy
yourself some more Tipp-Ex.
1356
01:05:54,420 --> 01:05:56,060
Now, look. We can get this
out of the way now,
1357
01:05:56,060 --> 01:05:57,780
or we can come back tomorrow.
1358
01:05:57,780 --> 01:06:00,060
Great. See you in the morning,
first thing. I'll have the kettle on.
1359
01:06:00,060 --> 01:06:03,076
Goodbye, Sergeant Lynch.
See you, Clive.
1360
01:06:03,940 --> 01:06:05,468
Well spotted, Bob.
1361
01:06:05,780 --> 01:06:10,530
There. It's the best place for 'em.
Bury 'em along with him.
1362
01:06:11,460 --> 01:06:14,190
Don't film me doing that,
Pauline, put it down.
1363
01:06:15,820 --> 01:06:20,078
Oh, Bob. You're dead clever.
What would we do without you?
1364
01:06:20,780 --> 01:06:24,233
You don't have to ever be
without me, Pauline, ever.
1365
01:06:24,380 --> 01:06:27,587
You know that time,
when you and me, we...
1366
01:06:28,340 --> 01:06:29,500
What?
1367
01:06:29,500 --> 01:06:31,100
-Had a shag.
-You what?
1368
01:06:31,100 --> 01:06:33,220
You remember. It was Halloween.
1369
01:06:33,220 --> 01:06:34,366
Oh aye, yeah.
1370
01:06:35,140 --> 01:06:37,337
Was I better than Spiros?
1371
01:06:37,780 --> 01:06:39,362
Of course you were, love.
1372
01:06:39,900 --> 01:06:42,260
It didn't matter
that it didn't last very long, did it?
1373
01:06:42,260 --> 01:06:44,034
The bus was pulling in to the terminus.
1374
01:06:47,020 --> 01:06:49,409
(PAUL HUMMING FUNERAL MARCH)
1375
01:06:53,300 --> 01:06:54,420
-Shh!
-PAUL: Oh, sorry.
1376
01:06:54,420 --> 01:06:57,220
-Mark, you were Spyro's best man.
-Spiros.
1377
01:06:57,220 --> 01:06:59,704
I believe you would like
to say a few words?
1378
01:07:01,220 --> 01:07:04,100
I only knew Spiros for two days.
1379
01:07:04,100 --> 01:07:06,300
I think what we learned
about him was this.
1380
01:07:06,300 --> 01:07:07,486
(TURNS GAME BOY OFF)
1381
01:07:09,020 --> 01:07:10,835
He was a gregarious man.
1382
01:07:12,260 --> 01:07:14,034
He was a snappy dresser.
1383
01:07:14,500 --> 01:07:16,602
Tenacious domino player.
1384
01:07:18,620 --> 01:07:20,298
He had a great love of fruit.
1385
01:07:21,900 --> 01:07:23,428
Pineapple, I believe.
1386
01:07:24,900 --> 01:07:26,278
And he had a fine...
1387
01:07:28,740 --> 01:07:30,022
moustache.
1388
01:07:31,220 --> 01:07:35,020
Spiros, in this silence,
we remember you.
1389
01:07:35,020 --> 01:07:37,740
PAUL: He was also an international
drugs dealer
1390
01:07:37,740 --> 01:07:42,660
with previous convictions for arson,
GBH, fraud,
1391
01:07:42,660 --> 01:07:44,420
and cutting and welding together
1392
01:07:44,420 --> 01:07:46,500
different halves
of written off vehicles,
1393
01:07:46,500 --> 01:07:49,540
respraying and clocking them
and then selling them off
1394
01:07:49,540 --> 01:07:53,260
as classic vehicles through
Hobson's Cars of Mossway
1395
01:07:53,260 --> 01:07:54,860
to hapless berks like you.
1396
01:07:54,860 --> 01:07:57,726
I've written a short poem,
1397
01:07:58,020 --> 01:08:00,654
which I hope articulates
how we're all feeling.
1398
01:08:02,420 --> 01:08:03,566
(CLEARS THROAT)
1399
01:08:05,060 --> 01:08:06,683
"A Greek tragedy.
1400
01:08:10,900 --> 01:08:13,916
"A freak breeze catches
the apple blossom
1401
01:08:14,060 --> 01:08:16,828
"Perfect with petals, save now for one
1402
01:08:17,460 --> 01:08:21,140
"Which dances silently, inexorably
1403
01:08:21,140 --> 01:08:22,613
"To a traveller's rest.
1404
01:08:23,700 --> 01:08:24,844
"Listen!
1405
01:08:26,220 --> 01:08:27,366
"Listen!
1406
01:08:28,779 --> 01:08:31,456
"Not this, the lame lament
of the lone bugler
1407
01:08:31,779 --> 01:08:35,657
"Rather the clarion call
to a thousand souls.
1408
01:08:36,700 --> 01:08:37,844
"Look!
1409
01:08:38,939 --> 01:08:40,260
"Look!
1410
01:08:40,260 --> 01:08:44,819
"The nakedness of the tree consents
to a new beauty, blossom
1411
01:08:44,819 --> 01:08:48,219
"A communion of comfort,
clothing the earth.
1412
01:08:48,819 --> 01:08:49,965
"Smell.
1413
01:08:50,620 --> 01:08:53,340
"Smell the evil reek of death
1414
01:08:53,340 --> 01:08:57,694
"As another putrid corpse
is tossed on the pyre of Hades.
1415
01:08:58,180 --> 01:09:01,442
"'Always room for one more!'
1416
01:09:01,540 --> 01:09:06,500
"Yells the twisted, demented figure
of Charon the ferryman,
1417
01:09:06,500 --> 01:09:09,260
"Over the Styx
to the pungent pit of hell
1418
01:09:09,260 --> 01:09:11,979
"Where no one hears
the deafening screams of agony
1419
01:09:11,979 --> 01:09:16,220
"From the ghosts of men sodomised
by Cerberus,
1420
01:09:16,220 --> 01:09:18,950
"The three-headed dog."
1421
01:09:21,140 --> 01:09:24,380
PAUL: Well, that's something
to look forward to.
1422
01:09:24,380 --> 01:09:26,194
That was lovely, Mark.
1423
01:09:43,899 --> 01:09:46,140
Who do you think you are, W. Hauden?
1424
01:09:46,140 --> 01:09:48,340
-Who?
-That poet, W. Hauden.
1425
01:09:48,340 --> 01:09:49,486
(LAUGHS)
Oh, darlin.
1426
01:09:49,979 --> 01:09:51,602
I think you mean W. H. Auden.
1427
01:09:52,060 --> 01:09:53,420
-You wanker.
-That's his name!
1428
01:09:53,420 --> 01:09:54,540
Shite!
1429
01:09:54,540 --> 01:09:56,460
-He's still got the ring I gave him.
-No. Pauline, no.
1430
01:09:56,460 --> 01:10:00,391
Let him go. Pauline! Pauline!
1431
01:10:00,780 --> 01:10:03,780
I can get a hundred quid
cash back from H. Samuel!
1432
01:10:03,780 --> 01:10:05,980
-Leave it, leave it!
-No!
1433
01:10:05,980 --> 01:10:09,740
-Let go! Let go!
-Pauline, no. Stop it, stop it.
1434
01:10:09,740 --> 01:10:11,140
(BOB GROANS)
1435
01:10:11,140 --> 01:10:15,494
Oh, my God!
I think I've killed Fat Bob.
1436
01:10:16,020 --> 01:10:17,740
Bob, I thought you were dead.
1437
01:10:17,740 --> 01:10:20,510
-I love you, Pauline.
-I love you, too, Bob.
1438
01:10:21,140 --> 01:10:24,006
Fat Bob. Bob the blob.
1439
01:10:24,900 --> 01:10:26,674
Fat blobby bastard Bob.
1440
01:10:31,140 --> 01:10:34,880
You're so cute.
You look like a little panda.
1441
01:10:38,900 --> 01:10:40,769
-Will you marry me?
-Oh.
1442
01:10:43,500 --> 01:10:45,028
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
1443
01:10:51,340 --> 01:10:53,114
Nice catch!
1444
01:10:53,340 --> 01:10:55,401
But can you catch me?
1445
01:10:55,580 --> 01:10:57,969
Caught all I want from you, Paul.
1446
01:10:59,860 --> 01:11:02,100
Will you dance with me
at the reception tonight?
1447
01:11:02,100 --> 01:11:03,723
You'll be lucky.
1448
01:11:08,860 --> 01:11:10,483
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
1449
01:11:18,029 --> 01:11:19,529
Hiya Clive!
1450
01:11:39,740 --> 01:11:41,700
Clive, that's enough!
1451
01:11:41,700 --> 01:11:42,982
Come on.
1452
01:11:46,140 --> 01:11:47,340
(BURPING)
1453
01:11:47,340 --> 01:11:49,100
Spam, that.
1454
01:11:49,100 --> 01:11:52,140
Well, as you see, Spiros's death shows
1455
01:11:52,140 --> 01:11:54,340
that every cloud
does have a silver lining.
1456
01:11:54,340 --> 01:11:58,558
Or if you like, inside every bag
of shite, there's a spark of gold.
1457
01:11:58,940 --> 01:12:02,300
It's probably the wrapper
off a Caramac, but it's there.
1458
01:12:02,300 --> 01:12:05,060
Soon after the wedding,
Pauline announced the wonderful news
1459
01:12:05,060 --> 01:12:06,540
that she was up the stick.
1460
01:12:06,540 --> 01:12:09,740
And soon after that Bob
and Pauline Boyle were joined
1461
01:12:09,740 --> 01:12:11,801
by little Petula Dusty.
1462
01:12:12,020 --> 01:12:15,420
And do you know,
she's just like her daddy.
1463
01:12:15,420 --> 01:12:16,852
Except for the tash.
1464
01:12:17,140 --> 01:12:18,478
(LAUGHING)
1465
01:12:22,860 --> 01:12:26,420
Whilst it is arguable that Calf's films
may have failed
1466
01:12:26,420 --> 01:12:28,940
to plunge the sword of satire
deeply enough
1467
01:12:28,940 --> 01:12:31,140
into the postmodernist milieu,
1468
01:12:31,140 --> 01:12:36,314
the fact remains that
I look a bit of a twat in a beard.
1469
01:12:36,980 --> 01:12:38,754
PAUL: A complete twat.
1470
01:12:40,380 --> 01:12:41,853
Say it.
1471
01:12:42,460 --> 01:12:45,286
I look a complete twat in this beard.
1472
01:12:45,740 --> 01:12:48,660
-PAUL: Thank you.
-Good night.