Good evening.
The two films you're about to see
are universally regarded as seminal works of the '90s.
Both films are at once cogent narratives
and living social documents, effectuated as video diaries.
The films are the work of maverick director Paul Calf,
promulgating his work as that of the unreconstructed working-class male
which dovetails oh so nicely
with that bigotry that masquerades as postmodernism.
On seeing Calf's work, Jean Renoir reputedly exclaimed, "C'est magnifique!"
i.e. "This is magnificent!"
whilst Krzysztof Kieslowski said, "Calf is an existentialist cocktail,
"occasionally pissed but always compelling."
Except in Polish.
Calf himself, in a typical display of litotes, simply insists
that the camera was not stolen property, adding that Polish films were shit.
It would be easy to describe the video diaries as depicting
an iconoclastic fraternity disseminating ribald proletarian zealotry.
For what it's worth, my opinion is this: I like them.
Or, put simply, they are the sine qua non
of any iconographically aware person,
or, to use the Calf vernacular, "the dogs bollocks".
Paul Calf's Video Diary.
Oh, Paul, there's a red light, come on.
-What does that mean? -PAUL: Leave it alone.
It's Fat Bob's video, the one he got for Christmas.
Your tea's on the side.
(RADIO DJ CHATTERING)
Paul! Your Ready Brek's getting cold.
I'm up! I'm up.
(BURPS)
-Mum, have I got any pants? -There's some in the drawer.
I'm not wearing these. They're me dad's.
-I'm not wearing dead man's pants. -What about the ones you've got on?
-I've had these on four days. -Well, can't you turn them inside out?
I already have.
Oh, sod it. I'll wear me dad's.
Mum, have you touched this?
PAUL: Paul Calf's Video Diary.
BOB: Done on Bob's video.
PAUL: Fat Bob's video. BOB: Yeah.
Hello, my name's Paul Calf. I support Man City.
I like drinking. I like a laugh, chat, you know, a bit of a debate,
argument, scrap, fight, punch-up, break some bloke's nose.
I like life.
Get on the roundabout.
-BOB: I can't. It's going too fast. -Is it, heck. Get on.
-Get on, come on. -(SIGHING) Right.
Right.
This is the playground where I used to come when I was a nipper.
BOB: It's where we first met. Just by them swings, over there.
(SIREN WAILING)
There.
No, er...
BOTH: There.
-There, over there. -There.
PAUL: All right, go on.
See this, Paul? This is a lethal weapon. Watch, watch.
(CHUCKLING)
PAUL: All right, get on with it.
-Hello, I'm Bob. -Fat Bob.
Fat Bob. Paul's best mate.
And I am a car mechanic.
We met on these swings 20 years ago.
And I was sitting here, eating a Sherbet Fountain.
And Paul come over and said, "Have you got a light for me fag?"
And I said, "No."
So then he said, "Give us a bit of your Sherbet Fountain."
So I said, "No."
So then, he emptied it over me head.
(PAUL LAUGHING)
And pushed me off the swing and I cracked me head open.
Had to have nine stitches.
PAUL: I broke your finger an' all, didn't I?
No, no. That were when we went to see Aladdin.
PAUL: Oh.
BOB: Beautiful, isn't it? PAUL: Gorgeous.
That is class. You can't buy class.
-BOB: Where'd you get the fog lamps? -Halfords.
Whose MG is that?
BOB: Roland. The bloke lives next door.
Roland. The student?
-BOB: No. He's an ex-student. -Oh, aye.
Yeah, it's looking good, Bob.
Yeah, thanks. It's a nice little motor this, Roland.
Cheers.
PAUL: Are you a student?
No. I work in the Virgin Megastore, actually.
-Finished my degree years ago. -PAUL: Oh aye, what in?
-Social anthropology. -PAUL: That's handy.
-Got the keys? -Oh.
Cheers.
Well, I checked your points, changed your sparks,
replaced the oil filter.
There's all that welding to be done underneath.
So that's, er, what? £30 parts.
But like I said, all that work underneath, that's...
£30 labour... 30... 60. Call it 78 all in.
-Fifty? -Yeah.
I can give you a cheque now. If you want the cash,
I can trundle off to the hole in the wall, procure the old readies.
Whatever you want.
-Cheque will do, mate. -Yeah? All right.
PAUL (IN POSH VOICE): "Procure some readies from the hole in the wall."
-Sorry, is there a problem? -"I'm sorry, is there a problem?"
-Is there? -Yeah, you.
-Why? -You're a student.
-No, I'm not. -You used to be.
PAUL: Here, Bob, cop this.
Oh, look at me, look at me. Look at me coat from Oxfam.
Look at me little scarf and me stupid cap.
Why don't you shave? You're a wanker.
Oh, my dear Oscar. I wish I'd said that.
-You're talking shite. -BOB: Leave it, Paul.
-Who's Oscar? -BOB: I said leave it, Paul.
-Who's Oscar? -Just a bloke.
Yeah, your boyfriend, more like.
Hey, Bob, you know what MG stands for?
Mincing Great...poof.
-You got a poof's car. -What exactly do you mean by that?
What exactly do you mean by saying "you've got a poof's car"?
A car for poofs. Poofmobile.
I don't know. You work it out. You're a student.
So if mine's a poof's car, is yours homophobic?
You calling my car a queer?
-No. All I'm saying is... -No. Button it.
-Fine. -No. Shut it.
-My lips are sealed. -Right.
You say another word, a little word, anything, I'll hit you.
Unbelievable.
-Ah. -Cheers.
You know Paul. Well, he's...
Look, when you talk to him, don't say anything too clever, all right?
Come on, I'll get you home.
-Any damage? -No, I'll live.
Not you, the camera. I was only joking.
-Panasonic MS4, isn't it? -Yeah, that's right.
-Me step-Dad got it me for Christmas. -Yeah?
They're good. I made a film at college with one of these.
-Oh aye, what sort? -Do you know Dostoyevsky's The Idiot?
Sort of based on that.
-Hey, Paul. Roland here's made a film. -Oh aye, what about?
It's about an idiot. I reckon we should get some beers in
-and go watch it together. -I think I've lost it, actually.
Paul, come over here and apologise to Roland.
I haven't touched him.
He's all right. Look, he might help us with the film.
Come on.
-How's your nose? -It's all right.
-Sorry about that. -It's okay.
Should've taken me ring off before I hit you. Sorry.
Caravan Life. What have you got that for?
-Free Frisbee. Luminous. -How much?
-It's free. -No. The magazine.
£1.90.
You know, you could get one of these at Bisco's for a quid.
Is it luminous?
-I don't know. -There you go.
I might want to read it, anyway.
You having a party?
No.
But if I was, I'd invite you.
What would you say if I...
-£4 7.53. -Yeah, right, okay.
(SIRENS BLARING)
Hey, Bob. We got Missing In Action, Chuck Norris.
-Get it. -Right.
-What are you looking for, Roland? -Betty Blue.
There's a new director's cut I haven't seen.
Well, Betty Blue. That sounds all right, doesn't it?
-Paul. -What?
Get this one out for me.
Lesbian Fruit?
Yeah, all right.
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
(TYRES SCREECHING)
-Julie! -Who's Julie?
-Bob, who's Julie? -She's Paul's ex.
Yeah? Give us a go.
-Here, Paul. -What's this?
Last time we met, you said you wanted back
everything you bought me.
This is it. So you've no excuse to come round now.
But Julie, I've changed. I'm different now.
-What's that, then? -It's not for me. It's for him.
And I'm the Queen Mum.
I wish you were. At least she's single.
-Well, I'm not. -So this is it? It's all I get?
Yes, Paul. That's right. It's like you. Cheap.
-Disposable. -ROLAND: Aren't we all?
You can get refills.
(MOANING ON TV)
-Where's me batter bits? -I need chips.
What sort of pie is this?
-Meat pie. -Yeah, what sort of meat?
-Just meat. -Yeah. Red meat, white meat?
Sort of brown.
Hey, Paul, it's a shame about Julie. She is lovely.
She's lovely, isn't she? What do you think of Julie?
-She's lovely. -Yeah.
My God, they're big!
Yeah, she was special. You know. She'd do little things for me like...
Bleach me hair, wash me underpants.
Wash me hair, bleach me underpants.
You know, it didn't matter as long as we was together.
Only woman I've ever loved, apart from me mum.
If she's not careful, she's gonna break that coffee table.
I think Freud got it right.
We're all looking for the selfless, unconditional love
we got from our mothers.
-But you can't shag your mum, can you? -That bloke is.
-ROLAND: That's his auntie. -Is that illegal?
Hey, that girl looks like that really tacky girl
who works in the chemist near Highfields.
You know the one who wears too much make-up?
She looks like that.
-Hey, he means Pauline. -That's my sister you're talking about.
-What? -She wouldn't do something like that.
-I know. I know. -I can't watch it now.
-And that bloke, he looks like Tony. -Oh.
I wouldn't like to see Pauline and Tony in a porn film.
No. I wouldn't like to see that, Paul.
Shut up! None of us would like to see that.
I've just had an idea. If you want to get Julie back...
-MUM: Hello, Paul. I'm home! -Turn it off. Turn it off.
PAUL: No, the film, you prat!
PAUL: All right, Pauline? Just say who you are.
I don't want to.
-Go on, Pauline. -All right.
(CLEARING THROAT)
I'm Pauline Calf, Paul's sister. I work at a chemist at the moment,
but I'd really like to be a beautician in a salon.
I'm 24, single and gagging for it.
No, only joking. I'm 25.
-Was that all right? -BOB: Yeah, brilliant.
Aren't you going to introduce me to your new friend, Paul?
Oh, yeah. This is Roland. Roland, Pauline. Pauline, Roland.
Oh, haven't you got soft hands?
Aren't you a friend of Darren Little's?
You know, Paul, you had a fight with him at school.
Wears an orthopaedic shoe, looks like Patrick Swayze, works in John Menzies.
-ROLAND: No... -Bolero's Roller Disco?
-ROLAND: I don't know him. -No?
Pauline, Pauline, we could stand around here chatting all day,
but, but we can't.
We've actually got a favour to ask you, Pauline.
And if you can meet us in the pub later...
-A favour, oh aye? -ROLAND: Yeah, it's about Tony.
Oh, Tony? He's going out with your Julie.
-Yeah. Drives a red GTI. -PAUL: Yeah.
Used to be in the TAs. Dead fit, isn't he? He goes rock climbing.
Doing a parachute jump for charity. Got a new house on the crescent, yeah.
Earns about £500 a week, Works at Alloy Wheels.
Oh, he's dead fit, gorgeous, nice tight little bum.
Shut up, will you?
How come you're so clued up?
He's just been in. Bought some condoms.
PAUL: What kind? Were they flavoured?
Yeah. Smoky bacon.
(MUFFLED DANCE MUSIC)
You're talking shite, no way is Chuck Norris harder than Stallone.
Chuck Norris were there. He were in 'Nam.
He were a Vietnam veteran, so it isn't acting, it's real.
So you reckon he done all his own stunts?
Of course.
Do you remember that bit, the bit with the Mohican drug pusher?
Oh, yeah. What was it he said?
Er, he said, "Forgive me,
"but you've got shit on your shoes and I'm the shoe-shine boy."
Then he lays him out flat. It's brilliant.
"Forgive me, but you've got shit on your shoes
"and I'm the shoe-shine boy."
-Top! -Top!
ROLAND: Forgive me, gentlemen,
but we have actually got a plan we're supposed to be getting on with.
-ROLAND: Yeah, Bob? -Yeah.
-Yeah? -Yeah.
-Paul? -All right.
ROLAND: Yeah. She's here!
ROLAND: Bob, take the camera.
Operation Julie. Phase one. The set-up.
Hi, Fat Bob.
All right, Roland?
A pint of lager, love.
-All right, Tony? -Hello, Paul.
-All right, Julie? -All right.
Hey, Julie. Our Pauline, I think she wants a word with you.
She wants to borrow your step-a-matic something.
She's still got me Cindy Crawford fitness video.
No, I've got that. Trying to keep fit, aren't I?
-Where is she? -She's over there.
I see you've got a new motor, Tony.
Yeah. One previous owner, but he didn't treat her too well.
Yeah. Well, you'd better keep your eye on it.
-It might get nicked. -Don't worry, Paul. I'll look after it.
And I'll make sure that I give it a regular servicing.
After 10,000 miles, you'll find the clutch sticks in third gear.
Do you like me sister?
Are you're going to the New Year's party tomorrow night?
-ROLAND: Fancy dress? Yeah. -Yeah, me too.
PAULINE: Who are you going as, Julie? BOB: I'm going as the Incredible Hulk.
I've got these two bowler hats. I wanted me and Tony
to go as Laurel and Hardy.
Tony said that if we went as two blokes people would think he was a poof,
-so I'm going as Cleopatra. -And what about you, Roland?
# When I'm cleaning windows #
BOB: I'm going as the Incredible Hulk.
-You can't go as George Formby. -Why not?
'Cause Darren Little's going as George Formby.
Who's Darren Little?
Wears an orthopaedic shoe, looks like Patrick Swayze, works in John Menzies.
And he's going as George Formby?
-BOB: I'm going as the Incredible Hulk. -I've perfected the voice.
-"Mother!" -Who are you going as?
I was thinking of going as Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct.
-Oh, yeah. -Little white dress.
-And of course, no knickers. -Wouldn't you like to know?
-No, no knickers. -BOB: I'm going as the Incredible Hulk.
I'd better get back to Tony.
He goes mental if I'm gone longer than five minutes.
All right.
Are you really wearing no knickers?
Lesbian Fruit. Yeah, I've seen that one.
-She does look a bit like your Pauline. -Well, it's worth bearing in mind.
-She's got the hots for you. -Has she... Does she...
You'll need a walking frame to get home.
-JULIE: All right? -All right, love.
All right.
Phase two. The bait.
Pauline, I think we'd better get down to the business.
Can't we finish our drinks first?
-No, I meant the plan. -Oh, yes.
Okay. Paul wants to get Julie back, right.
So we were thinking if Julie were to see Tony with someone else,
then she might get really jealous and go back to Paul.
You want me to shag Tony?
Yeah. Yeah. I mean, if that's okay with you.
And then we could get Bob to film it and show it to Julie...
Was this Paul's idea?
-No, mine. -What kind of girl do you think I am?
I think you're a nice girl.
Where would you be while I'll be getting it on with Tony?
I'd just be lurking nearby.
I bet you will. "Room for one more on top?"
All right, big boy. It's a deal.
Oh... Oh.
Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?
-It's an erection. -BOB: Is it time yet?
Yeah, yeah. Bob, remember your line for Julie. Okay?
And Pauline, with Tony?
See you later, lover boy.
Nicholas Witchell. Nicholas Witchell. Nicholas Witchell.
BOB: Julie, Julie. Come quick! Paul's locked himself in the gents
and said he'll top himself unless you come.
Can we have that in writing? Hello, Pauline.
-Hello. Oh, is that Blue Stratos? -Pagan Man.
Julie, you'd better come. It's serious.
Phase three. The toilet.
TONY: So do you want a drink? PAULINE: Yeah, a Taboo and black.
JULIE: Paul, are you there? PAUL: Yeah. I'm here.
-I'll always be here for you. -In the toilet?
PAUL: No. I mean here in life.
Julie, I love you.
(SOBBING) Say you love me or I'll end it all here and now.
How?
Drowning.
(SOFTLY) Bob, what are you doing? Pauline and Tony are at it.
-Go on, get out there. -BOB: Oh, sorry.
JULIE: Paul, if you don't come out immediately, I'm calling the police.
...roast potatoes and I like chicken legs.
Not on me men, though.
-Piss off, Bob. -BOB: All right, Tony?
-You know what? Piss off. -BOB: All right, I'm going.
Well, go, then.
BOB: Go on, Pauline.
What the hell's going on here?
Nothing. Get off, you slag.
-She's not a slag. -Yeah, she is.
I want words with you, Pauline Calf.
-BOB: What should I do now? -Stay here. No, erm...
What's he doing? He's supposed to be in the gents.
-Stay here, Bob. -You didn't kill yourself, then, Paul?
No. It's half an hour till last orders. Seemed a bit daft.
Well, that's a shame, Paul, because I thought you'd save me the bother.
-Oh aye? -Aye.
Well, forgive me,
but you've got shit shoes on, you shitty shoe bastard.
(CLAMOURING)
ROLAND: Bob, I'll take that.
ROLAND: Thank God for that.
(SIRENS BLARING)
ROLAND: Don't. No...
(GROANS)
PAUL: Mum, where's me tea?
Is that all you've got to say for yourself after last night?
If brains were shit, you wouldn't have a sniff.
Jean-Claude Van Calf here gets the hump last night
and starts acting like a pissed-up ninja.
If you didn't whistle, you wouldn't know where to wipe your ass,
you daft bastard.
-PAUL: Mum, she called me a bastard! -You are one, love.
(MAN CHATTERING ON RADIO)
Roland, it was very kind of you to get our Paul out of jail last night.
No problem. It was a pleasure, actually.
The pigs were really chucking their weight around.
Really pissed me off.
I was really pleased that I'd done Law as an option in my third year.
I had a few tricks up my sleeve, you know?
It was a nightmare. Schopenhauer, where are you now?
Mmm. You can say that again.
Anyway, Paul, our Pauline's right.
You want to get Julie back, you'll have to change.
-I want her to love me the way I am. -Yeah, she don't, though.
Could get a job, Paul. That might help.
-Job? -Yeah, you know, work.
Job's a four-letter word to Paul.
I don't think it's me.
I'll get one tomorrow.
Everything's tomorrow with you, isn't it? Tomorrow never comes.
-Yes, it does. It did yesterday. -There's a job going at the Cinethèque.
-I know the manager. I could have a word. -That wanker's place up Gorlestone Road?
-It's an independent art house cinema. -Yeah, that's what I said.
They're desperate. They need someone to work in the veggie café.
-You could start today. -I'm not working in a vegetarian caff.
Do you want some taramasalata on the side?
Please, and some alfalfa sprouts.
Yeah, go on, treat yourself.
-Is the houmus nice? -Delicious. Made it meself.
Hey, aren't you the bird...girl...person
that I met in the supermarket the other day? You served me.
Oh, that's right. You were buying all those cans of lager.
Yeah, for a friend. Funeral. Very sad.
-So you work here? Obviously. -Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
I like the people, you know. And the food, of course. Get that free.
As much mung bean salad as I can eat.
Perks of the job.
-Get free tickets for films and all. -What's on?
Uh, Orson Welles, The Trial.
-Oh God, yeah. I love Kafka. -Yeah, so do I.
I don't think he's in this one actually. It's got Anthony Perkins out of Psycho.
It's the sequel, you know. Where he gets tried for all the murders.
I think you've got it confused, actually.
I'm studying Kafka as part of my course.
The Trial is about an innocent man who gets arrested for no apparent reason.
-Did he hit a copper? -No. I don't think so.
I can get you a free ticket if you want.
-Yeah, that'd be great. -All right. I'll tell you what.
If you come here tonight half-seven, I'll give it you.
Okay, great.
-What's your name? -Emma.
-What's yours? -Paul.
See the way she was looking at me?
It's obvious, isn't it? She wants me body.
Let's face it, Bob. Having a body that drives women wild
is a bit like having a green Ford Cortina Mark 4.
You've either got one or you haven't.
-And I've got one. -I haven't.
Exactly. And if Julie happens to see me with Emma,
well, she'll have to realise, she had a chance and she blew it.
She let me slip through her fingers.
She'll have nothing but memories of what might have been.
-And Tony. -And Tony.
She's welcome to him. I've got Emma.
-ROLAND: Paul. -What?
If I might offer one petit word of advice? I know girls like Emma.
You've got to look the part.
He's right, actually.
Where am I gonna get a load of wanky student clothes?
Hey, Emma. Take it easy, man.
-Kafka's kicking sound. -Safe.
Safe. I don't understand.
-Who's Kafka kicking? -No one.
-I thought you said he was a writer. -He is. It's just an expression.
Try something else.
Hey, Emma, got any Rizlas? I'm dying to skin up.
Wrong.
Nope.
Ah, hello, Julie. This is my new girlfriend, Emma.
I mean girlfriend in the non-possessive sense, of course.
-Good. -Yes.
Oh, yes. We're in such a whirl. We're off to Vienna.
-Venice. -Venice.
-Next stop, Uffizzy. -Uffizi.
-Uffizi. Yes, with Simone de Boovoir. -Beauvoir.
-Bovver. Beaver. B... -Beauvoir.
I can't. It's too long, Roland.
(INDISTINCT)
Hi, Emma. Settle an argument, would you?
The Pompidou Centre.
Postmodern eyesore or functionalist dreamscape? What do you reckon?
To be honest, I think you've set up a false opposition.
Do you know, I have, haven't I? I'm very sorry.
I didn't mean to offend you.
-Have you got that ticket? -Yeah, yeah.
-Here you go. -Oh, this is Mark, by the way.
-Mark, this is... Paul, isn't it? -Yeah.
-Well, thanks. -Thanks.
See you, then.
What did you go and do that for?
Setting me up with a false opposition like that?
Don't ever set me up with a false opposition again.
I didn't. It wasn't a false opposition.
-What was it, then? -It was a paradox.
It was a paradox, you daft cow!
Sod it. I didn't want to see the film anyway.
I'm gonna toss some Chinese leaves. Come on, Bob, let's get pissed.
It's all gone, mate. There's none left.
One bottle and I've got it.
-How was it? -How was it? What was it?
It was a mess. I don't think I understood it.
Was it a thriller? Was it an allegory?
It was like mixing Pop Tarts with caviar.
I like Pop Tarts.
To be honest, I'd rather have seen Dave Lee Travis play Macbeth.
BOB: Roland, take the camera. I think I'm gonna chuck up.
(BOB RETCHING)
Hey.
Did you enjoy it or did it have too much false opposition?
Or was it too paradox for you?
Hey, thanks for the ticket.
Sorry if there was any confusion about...
Did you enjoy it?
Nah. I'd rather see Dave Lee Travis play Macbeth.
Really? Interesting. I thought it had a great energy.
No, no, no...
I'd rather see Dave Lee Travis play Macbeth.
-Come on, it wasn't that bad. -You calling me a liar?
-No, I'm simply saying that... -"No. I'm simply saying..."
Say, "I'd rather see Dave Lee Travis play Macbeth."
Please, we don't want any trouble.
-You're making a fool of yourself. -Say it.
I'd rather see Dave Lee Travis play Macbeth.
-Just say it, Mark. -No. Look, can't we...
Say it!
I'd rather see Dave Lee Travis play Macbeth.
-Say it, Mark. -This is...
Say it!
I'd rather see Dave Lee Travis play Macbeth.
Louder.
I'd rather see Dave Lee Travis play Macbeth.
You daft twat.
(LAUGHING)
-Are you swaying or is it me? -It's both of us.
Me and Emma, we just didn't hit it off.
There was something about her I didn't like.
-The boyfriend? -That was it. Yeah.
I love Julie.
I can't lie any more. I'd do anything to get her back.
I'd give up drinking.
I'd cut down. You know, on spirits.
During the week, you know, the point is I'd change.
Come on, Paul. It's not gonna happen.
You need to make some big romantic gesture.
Look, Julie's going to the fancy dress tonight as Cleopatra.
Why don't you go as Antony?
-Anthony who? -BOB: I'm going as the Incredible Hulk.
Don't know his surname, but Antony as in Antony and Cleopatra.
What does he wear?
Well, sort of a white tunic with a little golden rope tied round it,
and sandals, a laurel crown, tights.
He wears tights. Maybe not.
Don't worry about me. Who are you going as?
"I have nothing to declare but my genius."
"A handbag."
-Oscar Wilde. -Yeah, that's brilliant, that.
Who are you going as, Bob?
What's going on? These aren't Oscar Wilde's trousers.
PAULINE: You'd better take 'em off, then, hadn't you?
BOB: Hey, they're mine. They're the Incredible Hulk's trousers.
-Where's my black velvet pantaloons? -Well, what do you think?
You look beautiful.
I thought you were going as Sharon Stone.
No. Venus, the goddess of love. You know what rhymes with Venus, don't you?
-PAUL: Penis! -Hurry up in that bathroom, will ya?
It's a good job you're not going as the Venus de Milo.
-Venus de what? -Venus de Milo. You know.
You wouldn't be able to hold your drink.
I won't be able to anyway, I'll be legless.
PAUL: Oh, they haven't given me any boots!
Paul Calf, come out that bathroom, you little monkey.
WOMAN: Come on, we're late.
(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)
All right, Bob?
There is only one thing worse than imitating Oscar Wilde
and that is being Oscar Wilde.
You're damn funny, aren't you? I love it when you do that daft voice.
Can you do Bruce Forsyth?
Nice to see you, to see you nice.
Can you do Sean Connery?
Oh. Hello, Darren.
Mother!
He's damn funny, he is.
PAUL: Oi! Oi!
Evening, officer.
Have you got Into the Valley by The Skids?
No.
Have you got Musclebound, Spandau Ballet?
Sorry, mate.
-Ultravox, Vienna? -None of that stuff, mate.
-Uh, have you got any Suede? -Yeah.
-Coming Up? -Sure.
-Here you go. -Ta.
(MUSIC STOPS)
You got any Nirvana?
Doing a bit of community policing, Paul?
-Yeah, want some? -Do you?
Hey, Tony. Did no one tell you? Supposed to be in fancy dress.
Did no one ever tell you that you're a twat, Paul?
PC Calf to you.
You are, are you not, Mr Tony Faye?
Owner and driver of a Peugeot 205 GTI, that's shit?
-It's not shit. -It is. It's knackered.
What are you talking about?
If you accompany me to the exterior of this building,
I'll bleeding show you.
DJ: Everybody, let's party with Frankie!
Were you aware that you had a defective headlamp?
-What are you doing? -What does it look like I'm doing?
I'm baking a bleeding cake.
-It's a Happy New Year's cake. -I don't like the look of that, Paul.
No, you're right. It's a bit uneven.
Paul, what are you doing? You're a sad bastard.
-I'm not sad. -You're pissed.
Yeah, but I'm not sad. Julie, I don't understand.
Why are you with him? What's wrong with me?
You never treat me, you never take me anywhere,
you're always late, you're drunk.
-You're lazy. -Lazy.
-Aggressive. -Aggressive.
Don't help her!
Paul, name me one reason why I should go back with you.
-There's loads of reasons. -Name one.
-Go on. -Don't rush me.
Here's one. I never walk away from a fight.
I run, don't I?
-Come on... -Get off.
-And don't you ever... -Hey, Tony.
I don't reckon this is gonna get its MOT.
-What next, Bob? -Back lights?
Yeah, yeah.
-Are you all right, Paul? -Never better.
All right. We're going back to Roland's, then, to watch a video.
BOB: Is it Chuck Norris?
It's The Crying Game. It's supposed to be amazing.
-It won the Palme d'Or at Cannes. -Oh.
Yeah, there's a big surprise in it in the middle when you least expect it.
-Yeah, what's that? -You'll find out, loverboy. Come on.
(ENGINE REVVING UP)
See you, Tony. Tony!
Who's car's this, then?
Hey, what do you think you're playing at?
Oh, it's yours.
-Right, I'm calling the police. -I am the police.
-BOB: Come on, Paul. Let's leg it. -No, you go.
I'm stopping here.
You see, you see, Bob,
there comes a time
when a man has to stand up
and say, "Yes. I am Paul Calf.
"I've done some bad things.
"But if you can't accept me,
"with all my paradox,
"well, I'm sorry. But I make no apologies for that.
"All I'm asking for is a little respect."
-BOB: Do you want a kebab? -Yeah. A large one.
Plenty of chilli, no cucumber.
-Hey. -What?
-Thanks a lot, Bob. -Fat Bob.
Yeah, Fat Bob.
Bob the Blob. Fat Blobby Bastard Bob.
-I thought you'd gone with Tony. -No.
-Are you going go back out with me? -No.
-Want some? -Sure.
DJ: Only five seconds to midnight.
CROWD: Five, four, three, two, one!
(CROWD CHEERING AND CLAPPING)
Oh, shut up!
-Happy New Year, Paul. -Happy New Year, love.
(CROWD SINGING AULD LANG SYNE)
I really hate that song.
Bag of shite.
(CROWD CONTINUES SINGING)
(SIRENS BLARING)
(CROWD CHEERING)
The Paul Calf Video Diary,
apart from being regarded as a landmark mise en scène,
was also notable for the emergence of Paul's sister,
the nothing if not loquacious Pauline Calf.
-Pauline, welcome. -Hi.
Paul Calf, doubtless a thematic innovator,
but in his depiction of you represented with a paradox.
Do you want me to say something?
Yes, I mean, do you think you're seen as a dichotomy?
I'm not lesbian. Would you like it if I was?
No, I'm merely suggesting that, while some say your unique sexuality
embodies the archetypal disempowerment of women,
others, myself included, see it as a celebration of post-feminist feminism.
(CHUCKLES)
-You what? -You're a woman on top.
-You dirty bugger. -No. No, Pauline, you misunderstand.
Don't worry, love. I'm only messin'.
I like your beard, suits you.
I bet you think it makes you look dead clever, don't you, hey?
Waggling your long words around like a big willy.
I simply want to deconstruct and appreciate...
I'll deconstruct your trousers in a minute,
would you appreciate that?
Hey, do you want to see me Sharon Stone impression?
-Tell me about Paul. -He's a dickhead. Next question.
-Cultural iconography. -Look, do you want a shag or what?
-Thank you very much, Pauline Calf. -Is that it?
-Next we meet the man... -You wouldn't know what to do with it.
Next we meet the man with his finger on both the button of the camera
and the pulse of the nation.
Angry young man of the '90s or someone with a bag of chips on his shoulder?
-Mr Paul Calf. Welcome. -All right?
Firstly, what do you say to those who argue that
whilst there's an undoubted economical eloquence
in the robust vernacularisations of Paul Calf,
there's no substitute for the rich semantics
and natural poetic cadences of English grammar?
Bollocks.
Three Fights, Two Weddings and a Funeral.
(SNORTING PHLEGM, SWALLOWING)
Hello, my name is Paul Calf.
Next Saturday, my sister Pauline is marrying a Greek bloke called Spiros
and I've got to get her a wedding present.
Now, I was going to get her a complete silver service dinner set
but me supplier no longer works at the Crown Thistle Hotel.
He's currently a resident at Risley Remand Centre,
where the cutlery is plastic, for obvious reasons.
Then I thought, I know, I'll make a special effort, you know,
do something personal. And I decided to redecorate her bedroom
but in the end I couldn't be arsed.
So, instead, I've borrowed this video camera from me mate Fat Bob.
He borrowed it from his mate, Mr Rumbelow.
So, Pauline, this is my wedding present to you.
It's a video diary of not only the ceremony,
but all those topsy-turvy things that happen when you marry
a Greek bloke called Spiros.
I've not met him, but I'm sure he's very nice.
He might be a right twat, you know. You don't know, do you,
until you've met him. Anyway, enjoy the video.
MUM: Pauline, I'm doing oven chips and beans, do you want some?
-We had that yesterday. -I thought you liked it.
There's a sausage in the fridge.
PAUL: No, ever since she met Spiros on holiday, she's gone all la-di-da.
(MIMICKING PAULINE) "I'm not having egg butties, I'm having an omelette."
I meant something exotic.
Well, should I open a tin of pineapple rings?
No, I meant something like moussaka, something Greek.
You looking at me tits?
Fat Bob's looking at me tits.
(CHUCKLING)
PAUL: # Here comes the bride What's she trying to hide?
# There's something in the oven Is it mother's pride? #
What do you think?
PAUL: You can't wear white, that's fraud.
And you can't walk round with your head stuck up your arse but you manage it.
MUM: Watch your bleeding language.
You're quiet, Fat Bob, what do you think?
Look like a movie star.
PAUL: (CHUCKLING) Yeah, Charles Bronson.
That will be other Pauline and Mark. Come on, Fat Bob, go and get the door.
-MUM: Hurry up. -All right.
I say, what is she up to these days?
She's... I think she's doing teacher training or something,
English language.
PAUL: What's the point of that?
You do that every day, you might as well teach walking.
-PAULINE 2: Hi, there. -Hi, there.
-PAUL: Hello, other Pauline. -Hi, Paul.
Oh, look at you. You haven't changed a bit.
You have. What happened to your demi-wave?
Oh, Mark didn't like it. He said it looked tarty.
There was nothing wrong with it, it was just like mine.
-Cup of tea? -Please.
-I don't suppose you got any chamomile? -I'll go and have a look.
-PAUL: Have we, bollocks. -Where's Mark?
He's in the car waiting for your Paul and Bob.
I thought you wanted to go to the airport?
PAUL: Yeah, we do. We're going now.
-How's the teaching going? -Fine. Busy as a bee. Buzz, buzz, buzz.
Hey, we haven't got any of that Caroline tea but we've got Tetley's.
-Ah, no thanks. -They're the round ones.
No, I'll just have a glass of water.
Sit down, sit down.
So come on, then. Tell us all about Zeus.
Who?
You know, this Greek god you met in Corfu.
No, he's called Spiros, yeah.
Honest to god, Pauline, he's dead romantic.
When I saw him that day walking along the beach,
slapping those women's arses, I thought, that's the man for me.
Look, he got me this. As a keepsake, you know, to remind me of him.
Beware of Greeks bearing gifts.
-PAUL: Yeah, like herpes. -What time's his flight getting in?
Now, and he'll be sat twiddling his thumbs in the airport
if Paul and Bob don't get off their fat, lazy arses.
-PAUL: Hey, mine's not fat. -Yeah, mine's not lazy.
Go on then, what you waiting for? Go and get him. Can't wait.
(EXCLAIMS)
Here, Pauline, your water. And I put a slice of apple in it.
PAUL: I'm sure I've met you somewhere before, Mark.
Yeah, you threatened to hit me about a year ago.
-So many faces, you know. -At the Cinethèque.
Oh aye, yeah, yeah. So what are you doing now, then?
I teach English at St Cuthbert's.
I don't believe it, I was expelled from there in 1976, bonfire night.
Has it changed much since then?
Well, they rebuilt it after the fire.
BOB: Is Nelson still there?
-Who? -Nelson.
Mr Johnston, you know, boss-eyed with a dicky arm.
No, no, he's not there anymore. He died.
(CHEERING)
What'd he die of? BO?
Actually, he was my father.
I'm very sorry. I didn't know.
So, um... Did you get his job?
-Yeah. -Swings and roundabouts, isn't it?
-So, you've got a Jag. Nice car. -Thank you.
Yes, I like to think it's a little more distinguished
-than your average boy racer. -Oh aye. Yeah.
It's a posh fanny magnet, isn't it?
-Bet your Pauline likes it. -Yeah, she loves it.
Bet she does. All this leather?
You know what they say, don't we, Bob?
# If you wanna pull a babe Buy a Jag
BOB: # Once you throw 'em in the back For a shag #
Have you ever had a leg over in here with your Pauline?
Well, I can't deny there's been a few spicy moments.
Come on, then, lets hear it.
Well, you know how it is boys, it can get pretty steamy.
-What does she do, then? -I'm sure you can use your imagination.
-What does she do? -Look, it's a private matter.
It's between me and her. It's private, okay?
I'm sorry. Insensitive of me. Ill-mannered.
She still got that tattoo on her arse?
-BOB: What does he look like? -Pauline says he looks like a Greek god.
What's a Greek god look like, Mark?
MARK: Well, it's difficult to say, really, in Greek mythology,
gods had the power to transform themselves.
A swan, a winged horse...
Fat bloke with a tash?
Spiros, Spiros. You are Spiros?
-Yeah, yeah. -PAUL: Welcome.
-Bob Fat? -BOB: Welcome, welcome.
Hey, no!
Get off!
-Sorry. Welcome, welcome, Spiros. -Yes, welcome.
On behalf of all of the north of England,
welcome you to our culture. We're great fans of Greece,
all the kebabs, it's top, top.
-Thank you very much. -No problem.
-Why is video? -Oh, that's for Pauline.
-A wedding video. -Ah, hello, Pauline.
-BOB: Where are your bags, Spiros? -No excess baggage.
That is my philosophy. One bag, one love, one-nil, eh?
Wherever I lay my bag, that's my home. Marvin Gaye, huh?
How do I know? I hear it through the grapevine.
(ALL LAUGHING)
-Nice one. -Great.
This is Mark. He's gonna be your best man.
-Hello, Mark. Thank you very much. -Well, it's my pleasure.
Mark's going out with Pauline at the moment.
-You what? -No, no. It's another Pauline.
-There's two Paulines. -Two Pauline Calfs?
-There's only one Pauline Calf. -And look who it is.
-Darren, Clive. -BOB: Hi.
-Hey! Hi, Bob. -You all right.
-PAUL: Where you just come from? -I've just come back from Corfu.
Darren's been searched again, it's his orthopaedic shoe.
They think it's stuffed with cocaine.
I wouldn't sniff owt that's been in his shoe.
Eh, Spiros, this is Clive. He's Pauline's ex-boyfriend.
-Well, one of them. -Other Pauline?
No, your Pauline. Darren, you used to go out with Pauline as well, didn't you?
-Yeah. -I think everyone has.
And Mark's going out with other Pauline.
I've been out with Pauline Calf and other Pauline.
Yeah.
We all go back years, you know, me, Clive, Darren, Fat Bob
were all at school together.
Hey lads, Nelson's dead.
(CHEERING)
Lads, lads, sorry. Nelson was Mark's dad.
Sorry, Mark, forgot. Sorry.
Yeah, Spiros, Clive's all right except for one thing.
He's a copper.
Oi, didn't you used to work in that kebab shop in Hull?
The one that burnt down, Abrakebabra?
No.
Well, my friends, take me to my Aphrodite.
Have you got another beard on the side? That's a bit out of order.
-No, no, Aphrodite. It's Pauline. -All right, nickname, nice one.
-See you lads. Ta-ra. -See you.
So I hear you whisked our Pauline off her feet, huh?
Ah, no, no, no. Pauline, she whisked me.
Always me in hotel room, do it again, again, again.
She say, "Spiros, we do it again."
I say, "No, Pauline, I cannot walk."
-She certainly is a feisty lady. -She is a lady, a real lady.
Yeah, Bob Fat, she a lady, but in bed she an animal.
She like a rabbit. Again, again, again.
Yeah, yeah, I can imagine.
No, you cannot imagine, Paul. Being in bed with Pauline, I never sleep.
Like being in bed with a big drill. Big Black & Decker.
(IMITATING DRILL)
Again, again.
She think I have Duracell battery in trousers.
BOB: Yeah, yeah, all right, mate. We get the picture.
-Surprised you could stop her talking. -She cannot talk when her mouth is full.
All right, that is it. That is a private matter.
It's between you and your privates.
And Pauline's privates.
Nice car, Mark. Where you get car?
Classic car dealer, Hobson's on Mossway.
Yeah, yeah. I know it. Next to Texas Homecare.
Pauline tell me about it.
(HORN BLARING)
(EXCLAIMS)
-What are you doing? -I lose contact lens.
-You're wearing glasses. -I have very, very bad eyesight.
-PAUL: Spiros, this is me mam, Pat. -Patricia.
Now I know where Pauline gets her beauty.
-PAUL: Yeah, out of a tin. -Oh, I'm charmed.
-Would you like some pineapple rings? -No, thank you. I eat on plane.
Well, would you like some sherry or lager?
Eh, no, thank you.
All I want is my Pauline. Where is my Pauline?
Oh, she's just powdering her nose.
PAULINE: I'm coming! (TOILET FLUSHES)
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
Pauline, you look more lovely now...
I'll show you to your room.
Oh, he'll be tired after that long flight.
-He'll want to get his head down. -PAUL: He won't have much choice.
Ta-da! Look at that, eh? Worth getting married for, isn't it?
(PAULINE MOANING)
See this? Miniature Spiros. Slimline, of course.
And I put a little moustache on, see? With a felt tip, you know.
Right, I'm just nipping into town, is there owt you want?
Yeah, just some nibbles. What about you, Bob?
-Wagon Wheels. -Yeah, Wagon Wheels.
And get something for the morning.
(MOANING CONTINUES)
Just get a load of Wagon Wheels.
Right, so I'm going to Hatland to buy an hat
and I'm going to the market to get some cheap plates for that Spiros.
You know, in case the fancy takes him, with him being a Greek.
(SPIROS AND PAULINE MOANING LOUDLY)
No, I think I'll get paper plates and I'll let him rip them up.
-What do you think? -Yeah, whatever.
Right. Ta-ra!
-See you. Hey, Bob, look at this. -See you.
(MOANING)
-Paul don't do that. -What is up with you?
I love Pauline.
(MOANING CONTINUES)
We all do. She's very popular.
-She makes a lot of people very happy. -SPIROS: Pauline!
But I don't see it as losing a sister, more that I'm gaining...
-a Greek bloke from Corfu. -But I...
I love her like a man loves a woman.
I want her to look me the way I look at her,
as an object of desire.
I don't think she looks at you like that, Bob.
-How do you know? -Trust me on this one.
-She might be thinking of me right now. -She's not.
She's thinking of Patrick Swayze, take my word for it.
You gotta let her go.
I had to let Julie go, now she's with Tony.
Probably wearing the City scarf I bought her.
-How do you think that makes me feel? -Cold.
Yeah, cold inside.
(MOANING STOPS)
Look, you and me'll go down to Cinderella's,
there's bags of birds down there.
-They're all over 40 and divorced. -You're just getting fussy now.
Bob Fat, Paul...
You got any fruit?
-Got a tin of pineapple rings. -Yeah, okay.
Thanks.
Paul, me and Pauline have done it.
-You what? When? -Two weeks ago.
Err, tin opener? Sorry. Thanks.
It was fantastic, we made love at least six times every which way.
We were lost in a secret world of ecstasy.
-Where was this? -On the night bus to Ottle.
Pauline, she want to borrow video camera.
-Oh. -PAUL: No, again.
PAUL: Keep your eye on the fat bloke near the door.
Ah!
Oh, come on, Bob. It looks like you're doing it on purpose.
-I am. -PAUL: Look, there's 250 quid
if this gets on telly.
It's got to be like an accident, hasn't it?
Just think about your 50 quid.
-What do you think? -PAUL: Brilliant!
Doesn't look too tarty, does it?
A dress could never look too tarty on you, Pauline.
-Aah aren't you lovely? Have I hurt you? -Yeah, you have.
I'll get some peas.
MUM: Pauline, can I borrow your wonder bra?
PAULINE: Yeah, it's on the floor next to me bed.
-PAUL: Did you have a good sleep? -Yeah, yeah, thank you.
MUM: It's covered in pineapple.
There's a red one hanging up under the picture of Patrick Swayze.
-MUM: Which one? -The one of him sweating in a vest.
Hold that, just on the side of your head.
Right, Paul, I don't want you turning up ruining my hen night, right?
You can go where you like but you're not to go in The Dragon, The Miller,
The Wheeler, The Pelican, The Cow's Head,
The Loom, The Falcon, The Roebuck,
Cromwell's Fun Pub, The Partridge, The Albion...
-PAUL: Which one? -Both.
-The Gay Gordon, The Badger... -BOB: O'Malley's.
-PAUL: Don't help her. -Yeah, O'Malley's.
The Manor House, Nevilles' Wine Bar and The Dog.
-MUM: Hey, don't forget Cinderella's. -Oh, yeah, and Cinderella's.
-PAUL: Where does that leave us? -The Dungeon.
-Paul's barred from there. -Why?
-PAUL: It's a student pub. -Oh.
(HONKING)
-Oh, there's other Pauline. -All right.
All right, see you lads. Have a good time.
Remember if you like it, do it, if you don't like it, do it,
you might like it.
Oh, look at him. Like a little baby.
With a moustache.
Now, cop hold of that. Push that knob and it goes in and out.
Do you get it?
(ALL LAUGHING)
Look at that, Learner, that's a laugh, isn't it?
Advanced driver, more like.
Nigel Mansell.
Hey, do you remember what we used to call her at school?
Cinzano. Any time, any place, anywhere!
All right! Anway it was Martini.
-Oh, look, truly it is Julie. -All right, girls?
Hiya, Julie.
-PAULINE: The usual, Bezique and lime? -Ta, Pauline.
-All right, Mrs C? -Don't ask, I'm half-pished!
Ey well you'd better catch up then hadn't ya?
All right, Julie. You know other Pauline, don't you?
-Oh, yeah, all right? -How's your fella? Mark, isn't it?
That's right, he's great. How's your Tony?
Arr, he's well chuffed, yeah. Just got a new job working nights.
Delivery man or something.
Ey well he always had a nice package on him, didn't he?
Julie, you know our Paul? He holds a torch for you still.
That's not all he holds.
(ALL CACKLING)
No, listen, listen. He misses you, do you miss him?
Yeah, like the thrush.
I've just seen Darren and he's told me Nelson's dead.
(ALL CHEERING)
-That's Mark's dad, actually. -Oh, yeah. Sorry.
Oh, excuse me, is that a fireman I see over there?
What's going on, is there a fire?
All right, ladies, all right, ladies. Don't panic.
Everything is under control.
-Tony? -Oh, shite.
It's Tony. Hiya, Tony, I thought you were a delivery man.
-Are you a fireman? -No.
-I don't understand. -It's just a costume, I'm a Strip-O-Gram.
I don't believe it, you said you was a delivery man.
Well, I am. I'm delivering goods.
(ALL EXCLAIM)
Come on, then, get on with it.
I'm sorry, Julie, it's a job an I need money.
Pauline. Pauline Calf, woman of desire, like a melon that is juicy and ripe.
Your passion is eternal fire, so I've brought my big hosepipe.
I didn't make it up, I just say it. I'm sorry, love.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Lets see a bit more.
(I'M TOO SEXY PLAYING)
Put your pants on and go home!
Get 'em off. Give us all a gander(?).
-No, he's going home. -Oh, shut up, you. Get on with it.
Take no notice, cock, get your knickers off. I paid good money for this.
I think he should stop. It's demeaning.
Go on, get your todger out!
-TONY: Leave it out! -He's got the Sock Shop in there.
-Show us your helmet! -Oh, shut it!
-Shut it, you! You just a bleeding slag. -Hark at Mother Teresa.
Do you know your problem, Pauline,
your legs is like your mouth, never shut.
You can talk. You couldn't stop a pig in a ginnel*, you slag. *alleyway, implying bow legs
WOMAN: Oh, my God!
Stop it! Stop it! Stop it. This is so tacky!
-You, what? -This. It's just so crass.
You pompous cow.
You get a couple of GCSEs and you think you're Anne Diamond.
I pity you two.
-It's like feminism never happened. -Oh?
(ALL GASP)
-You are dead! -Come on!
Hey, hey, calm down. It's all over. There's nothing to see!
I say, you can say that again.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Pauline, it's the morning of the wedding.
Even though you're marrying Spiros, I want you to know that...
(DOOR CLOSING)
(TYRES SCREECHING)
Paul! Paul!
I've just seen Spiros with all his stuff tryin' to break in to Mark's car.
And then this other car come along and then he ran back into the house.
Julie.
Julie, Julie, Julie, Julie!
Ju... Oh, sorry, love.
Paul, it weren't much cop last night, were it?
PAUL: What, the Dungeon? You can say that again.
Never thought I'd be glad to see Darren with his dominoes.
How much did Mark lose to Spiros?
Paul, you know Spiros? D'ya reckon there's something dodgy about him?
PAUL: Oh aye, definitely.
-That tash. Well dodgy. -No, not that. I meant...
Bob, have you seen me suit?
-Where did you have it last? -Dad's funeral.
PAUL: Oh, now I remember.
We buried him in it. Wanted to give him some dignity.
That's important, dignity.
What did you wear?
Me shell suit, same as you. We carried the coffin, remember?
-Oh, yeah. -Never get over it when your dad dies.
You ever thought of tracking yours down?
Wouldn't know where to start, mate.
Prison records?
Listen, mate, I'm gonna have to borrow your suit.
No way. I'm wearing it.
All right, then. All right, then. When I turn up at the wedding,
and Pauline says to me, "Why, on the most important day of my life,
"do you look like a bag of shite?"
I'll say because Fat Bob won't lend me his suit.
That's how much he thought of you.
-Take it. No, take it. Take it. -No. No, no. All right.
You'd have the shirt off me back as well, would you?
Might as well. Complete the look.
Hello, Pauline. We're all getting ready for the wedding, right?
Now, Spiros is about to come into the bathroom
to prepare himself for the big day.
You're gonna see him at the church,
you know, looking all Greek and handsome,
except fatter with a tash.
Well, let's see what he looks like when he's rough as a buzzard's crotch.
Spiros, the bathroom's free!
Hello, Paul.
-PAUL: All right, mate? All yours. -Yeah, all right.
# I'm getting married in the morning Ding dong the bells are gonna ring
# Pull out a stopper Make it a whopper
# But give me to the church on time
(SNIFFING)
# I'm getting married in the morning Ding dong the bells are gonna ring
# Pull out a stopper Make it a whopper #
(ENGLISH ACCENT) All right? Yeah, it's Steve. Yeah. Got the stuff.
Yeah. See you at the airport tonight, 10:00, sorted.
You what? Hey, take it easy...
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Spiros. It's Fat Bob, can I come in? I need a slash.
(GREEK ACCENT) Umm, I am having shit.
(ENGLISH ACCENT) Yeah don't give me no aggro. You're just a bleeding wideboy.
Yeah, nearly finished.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're all mouth, you soft-arsed bag of shite.
(GREEK ACCENT) Hey, err, all finished...
Just get rid of that.
Spiros, what were you doing this morning outside with Mark's car?
I was cleaning car for wedding.
Are they drugs?
Listen you sad twat. You keep your fat trap shut and no one'll get hurt.
Pauline will.
How would you like it if I cut your nose off and shoved it up your arse?
You want that?
-No, I don't want that. -Would you like that?
-No. I wouldn't like that. -Right, then, shut it and keep it shut.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
PAUL: Hey, you two. What are you doing in there? Having a snog?
(WHISPERS) Tell him we're playing a game.
We're playing a game!
You what? What game?
-Dominoes. -Dominoes!
PAUL: Dominoes?
Yeah, Greek custom, on day of wedding. Play dominoes.
In toilet.
PAUL: Right. Well, hurry up. We're gonna be late.
Spiros, I need the toilet.
(ORGAN PLAYING)
You're 20 minutes late.
I'm going to have to be quite brisk with the service.
PAUL: Great. Quick as you like.
Listen, while we're here, can I confess something?
No. This is neither the time nor the place.
Last Christmas I pissed in your petrol tank.
-Spyros and Pauline. -Spiros.
You've come together in this church
so that the Lord may seal and strengthen your love
in the presence of the church's minister and this community.
-PAUL: Give us a smile, Julie. -Christ abundantly blesses this love.
Do you love me?
And now he enriches and strengthens you by a special sacrament.
So that you may assume the duties of marriage...
(PAUL OINKING)
Oink, oink. Can I smell bacon?
Can I smell bullshit?
Spyros and Pauline, I shall now ask you if you freely undertake the obligations
of marriage and to state that there is no legal impediment to your marriage.
Uh...
Nothing.
Are you ready, freely and without reservation
to give yourselves to each other in marriage?
-I am. -I am.
Are you ready to love and honour each other as man and wife
for the rest of your lives?
-I am. -I am.
Are you ready to accept children lovingly from God
and bring them up according to the law?
PAUL: I heard your fellow turned up last night. What's his name?
Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew. Cuthbert, Dibble...
Tony, that's it.
Where is he now? Showing his arse to Windy Miller?
Yeah. Well, he's not my fellow anymore. I'm fed up with losers.
Right. So, what about you and me, then?
Did you hear me right?
PAUL: Shite!
PAULINE: I will.
I call upon these persons here present to witness
that I, Pauline Lulu Calf, do take thee, Spiros Zorba Panathageorgiados...
PAUL: I wonder what that's worth at Scrabble?
...to have and to hold from this day forward,
for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer,
in sickness and in health,
to love and to cherish till death us do part.
You have declared your consent before the church.
May the Lord in his goodness strengthen your consent
and fill you both with his blessing.
What God has joined together let no man cast asunder...
(PAUL BURPS)
-PAUL: Uh, so sorry... -ALL: Amen.
PAUL: Is that it?
(CHURCH BELLS CHIMING)
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
-Hi. How's your arm? -All right. Look, can we go soon?
-We done our bit. Let's go. -Well, I can't go. I'm the best man.
Anyway, I'm having a good time.
-What's wrong? -I hate it. I hate Pauline.
I hate her mum, I hate her dickhead brother, I hate this sodding dress.
I look like Bo bloody Peep!
Well, hang on. What's that, these people are your friends, you know.
They're good people. They have a real kind of folk simplicity I admire.
-They're harmless. -She broke my bleeding arm!
It's good, Game Boy, 'cause it's a sport, right?
But you don't have to be athletic to be good at it.
I get them cheap from John Menzies. I'll get you one if you want.
Can you run a check? Yeah it's a white Mercedes.
Registration number Lima-9-7-4-Hotel-Yankee-Hotel.
You can finish mine if you want.
Shut up, Darren.
Reminds me of the day that I married her dad.
Except, of course, he was in uniform.
He looked so romantic.
You know, with his ticket machine over his shoulder.
She looks like a fairy princess.
Gammon, that's what we had. Too salty.
Chucked it down all day.
Pauline's dad clobbered the priest, said he was eyeing me up.
Someone peed in the font, and the best man, Teddy,
tried to put his hand up me skirt.
Was the happiest day of my life.
Come here, you little cow. I'll give you a thick ear.
(LAUGHING)
Kids, eh? You little tinker.
I love kids.
-You are one. -All right. Pack it in.
Anyone would think we were going out with each other.
ALL: Cheese!
-Do you love me? -Yeah, of course I do.
-Say it. -I love you.
-You swear? -Yeah, I swear.
-On your mother's life? -Yeah, yeah.
-Where is your mother? -She dead.
Well, that's not good, is it? Swear on your life.
-I swear. -Say it.
-I swear. -On your life!
Okay, I swear on my life.
(GUNSHOT)
(PEOPLE CLAMOURING)
PAULINE: He's been shot!
Is he dead?
Oh, Spiros! Get an ambulance!
That's all I've got now, memories.
PAUL: And his arse on video.
Why? Why Spiros?
PAUL: Yeah, it could have been me.
I know. It's so unfair.
Come on, Pauline. You've got to eat something.
All right. I'll have a corner piece with extra icing.
I knew, I knew there was something wrong the morning of the wedding.
You know, when I sat on that Jaffa Cake.
-It was an omen. -I know, I know, I know.
Salty gammon.
Still, I always say that death brings out the best in people.
I mean, Hatland.
They changed my wedding hat for a black one, no problem.
You've got to look on the positive side.
I mean, one day, sooner or later, we're all gonna die.
Where am I gonna find a man like that again?
PAUL: Corfu.
Look, Pauline. You've got to let him go.
He's gone.
Look, there's something I've got to tell you about Spiros.
Look, it's him. Like Neil Diamond, with a moustache.
# Pull out a stopper Make it a whopper
# But get me to the church... #
Oh, my God!
-The conniving little bastard. -PAUL: Bleeding hell.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
-Hey, it's the police. -PAUL: Are you sure?
Yeah, it's Clive, and Lynch is with him.
PAUL: Oh, shit. Hang on. We haven't done anything wrong.
Pauline smuggled drugs.
-Oh aye, yeah! -Just act normal.
PAUL: No, no. You'll make them suspicious.
Right, I'll talk to them. Bob, cop this.
Ah, good morning, Sergeant Lynch. All right, Clive?
May I take this opportunity to say how resplendent
Her Majesty's constabulary are looking this morning?
And can I also apologise to you personally, Sergeant Lynch,
for that altercation that took place between us last month
outside the Taj Mahal. The one in Ottle, of course.
-Hello, Paul. -Hello.
I'm sorry about that argument we had.
All right, Paul. Water under the bridge.
No, no, no. I shouldn't have head-butted you.
-Should I, Clive? -No, no, you shouldn't have.
Least said, soonest mended.
-But you were out of order. -Drop it!
Finished your community service, then, have you?
Oh, yeah. All done. The canal's never looked so clean.
Good. Right. There you go, you have a read of that.
For the last week you've been harbouring a known criminal,
that's a warrant to search the premises.
Fat Robert, would you be so good as to fetch my reading glasses, please?
Don't muck about, Paul.
Hang on. This is wrong.
It says the home of the Calf family.
I think if you check your records
you'll find that this house is in fact the property of the council.
Very funny, Paul. We're coming in, nice or nasty.
-BOB: What's the date today? -15th.
BOB: It says 16th on here. That's tomorrow.
-Shite! -I did say.
Yes, I know.
Well, it looks like you have to go buy yourself some more Tipp-Ex.
Now, look. We can get this out of the way now,
or we can come back tomorrow.
Great. See you in the morning, first thing. I'll have the kettle on.
Goodbye, Sergeant Lynch. See you, Clive.
Well spotted, Bob.
There. It's the best place for 'em. Bury 'em along with him.
Don't film me doing that, Pauline, put it down.
Oh, Bob. You're dead clever. What would we do without you?
You don't have to ever be without me, Pauline, ever.
You know that time, when you and me, we...
What?
-Had a shag. -You what?
You remember. It was Halloween.
Oh aye, yeah.
Was I better than Spiros?
Of course you were, love.
It didn't matter that it didn't last very long, did it?
The bus was pulling in to the terminus.
(PAUL HUMMING FUNERAL MARCH)
-Shh! -PAUL: Oh, sorry.
-Mark, you were Spyro's best man. -Spiros.
I believe you would like to say a few words?
I only knew Spiros for two days.
I think what we learned about him was this.
(TURNS GAME BOY OFF)
He was a gregarious man.
He was a snappy dresser.
Tenacious domino player.
He had a great love of fruit.
Pineapple, I believe.
And he had a fine...
moustache.
Spiros, in this silence, we remember you.
PAUL: He was also an international drugs dealer
with previous convictions for arson, GBH, fraud,
and cutting and welding together
different halves of written off vehicles,
respraying and clocking them and then selling them off
as classic vehicles through Hobson's Cars of Mossway
to hapless berks like you.
I've written a short poem,
which I hope articulates how we're all feeling.
(CLEARS THROAT)
"A Greek tragedy.
"A freak breeze catches the apple blossom
"Perfect with petals, save now for one
"Which dances silently, inexorably
"To a traveller's rest.
"Listen!
"Not this, the lame lament of the lone bugler
"Rather the clarion call to a thousand souls.
"Look!
"The nakedness of the tree consents to a new beauty, blossom
"A communion of comfort, clothing the earth.
"Smell.
"Smell the evil reek of death
"As another putrid corpse is tossed on the pyre of Hades.
"'Always room for one more!'
"Yells the twisted, demented figure of Charon the ferryman,
"Over the Styx to the pungent pit of hell
"Where no one hears the deafening screams of agony
"From the ghosts of men sodomised by Cerberus,
"The three-headed dog."
PAUL: Well, that's something to look forward to.
That was lovely, Mark.
Who do you think you are, W. Hauden?
-Who? -That poet, W. Hauden.
(LAUGHS) Oh, darlin.
I think you mean W. H. Auden.
-You wanker. -That's his name!
Shite!
-He's still got the ring I gave him. -No. Pauline, no.
Let him go. Pauline! Pauline!
I can get a hundred quid cash back from H. Samuel!
-Leave it, leave it! -No!
-Let go! Let go! -Pauline, no. Stop it, stop it.
(BOB GROANS)
Oh, my God! I think I've killed Fat Bob.
Bob, I thought you were dead.
-I love you, Pauline. -I love you, too, Bob.
Fat Bob. Bob the blob.
Fat blobby bastard Bob.
You're so cute. You look like a little panda.
-Will you marry me? -Oh.
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
Nice catch!
But can you catch me?
Caught all I want from you, Paul.
Will you dance with me at the reception tonight?
You'll be lucky.
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
Hiya Clive!
Clive, that's enough!
Come on.
(BURPING)
Spam, that.
Well, as you see, Spiros's death shows
that every cloud does have a silver lining.
Or if you like, inside every bag of shite, there's a spark of gold.
It's probably the wrapper off a Caramac, but it's there.
Soon after the wedding, Pauline announced the wonderful news
that she was up the stick.
And soon after that Bob and Pauline Boyle were joined
by little Petula Dusty.
And do you know, she's just like her daddy.
Except for the tash.
(LAUGHING)
Whilst it is arguable that Calf's films may have failed
to plunge the sword of satire deeply enough
into the postmodernist milieu,
the fact remains that I look a bit of a twat in a beard.
PAUL: A complete twat.
Say it.
I look a complete twat in this beard.
-PAUL: Thank you. -Good night.