1
00:02:05,959 --> 00:02:09,670
Wake up! Wake up!
Sergeant, wake that man up.

2
00:02:09,838 --> 00:02:12,089
Constable, liven that man up
with your truncheon.

3
00:02:13,633 --> 00:02:15,425
Get his feet moving!

4
00:02:18,388 --> 00:02:21,598
Remember, you're
electricity man to the whole nation.

5
00:02:52,130 --> 00:02:54,464
Rubber? Rubber?

6
00:03:20,658 --> 00:03:21,992
(KNOCKlNG)

7
00:03:22,076 --> 00:03:23,160
Eh?

8
00:03:25,413 --> 00:03:26,830
(MUTTERlNG)

9
00:03:27,832 --> 00:03:28,916
(KNOCKlNG)

10
00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:31,710
Yes. Coming, coming, coming !

11
00:03:35,173 --> 00:03:38,592
Good evening. l mean that most sincerely.

12
00:03:39,469 --> 00:03:42,221
-l am the BBC, as you can see.
-Oh !

13
00:03:42,305 --> 00:03:44,181
And here was the last news.

14
00:03:51,439 --> 00:03:54,900
On this, the third,
or is it the fourth anniversary

15
00:03:54,984 --> 00:03:56,276
of the nuclear misunderstanding

16
00:03:56,361 --> 00:03:59,613
which led to the Third World War,
here is the. . .

17
00:04:01,282 --> 00:04:02,783
Oh, sod !

18
00:04:05,787 --> 00:04:07,037
. . .here is the. . .

19
00:04:10,041 --> 00:04:13,293
. . .of the Third World War,
here is the last recorded statement

20
00:04:13,378 --> 00:04:15,754
of the Prime Minister, as he then was,

21
00:04:15,797 --> 00:04:19,299
who had just
succeeded his illustrious father into office.

22
00:04:20,718 --> 00:04:23,470
"l feel l am not boasting
when l remind you that this was,

23
00:04:23,554 --> 00:04:27,474
"without a shadow of a doubt,
the very shortest war in living memory.

24
00:04:27,558 --> 00:04:31,561
"Two minutes, 28 seconds,
up to and including the grave process

25
00:04:31,646 --> 00:04:33,772
"of signing the peace treaty fully blotted.

26
00:04:34,482 --> 00:04:37,276
"The great task of burying our 40 million dead

27
00:04:37,318 --> 00:04:41,113
"was also carried out
with great expediency and good will.

28
00:04:42,073 --> 00:04:45,993
"You know this great
country of ours often sticks in the mud of past,

29
00:04:46,077 --> 00:04:49,621
"searches out and holds up
to the light the mistakes of past times."

30
00:04:49,831 --> 00:04:53,166
That man ! Damn him ! Haig the Butcher.

31
00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:56,253
l shall tell the world. Look at that!

32
00:04:56,671 --> 00:04:59,673
Another chap butchered. Oh, the horror!

33
00:04:59,757 --> 00:05:02,259
Oh, the horror! l can't look!

34
00:05:02,844 --> 00:05:05,679
"We eat our hearts out
with the canker of racialism

35
00:05:05,805 --> 00:05:07,306
"and death east of Suez.

36
00:05:08,016 --> 00:05:12,436
"But l am forced to ask,
have we forgotten the bomb?"

37
00:05:14,147 --> 00:05:16,106
The Prime Minister had, as you all know,

38
00:05:16,190 --> 00:05:20,193
just returned from the 449th
Disarmament Conference

39
00:05:20,695 --> 00:05:25,032
and was greeted on
the steps of Number 10 by Mao Tse-tung.

40
00:05:26,034 --> 00:05:28,535
The Chairman has invited me kindly in.

41
00:05:28,619 --> 00:05:30,370
l can't say very much at the moment,

42
00:05:30,455 --> 00:05:33,957
but there will be some pretty hard
bargaining, you may be sure.

43
00:05:34,042 --> 00:05:37,210
That's all.
Thank you very much, gentlemen, thank you.

44
00:05:39,130 --> 00:05:41,298
Ah, Lord Fortnum. BBC Television.

45
00:05:41,382 --> 00:05:43,216
Off the cuff, while we're
waiting for a statement,

46
00:05:43,343 --> 00:05:45,177
l like your hat, l do.

47
00:05:45,219 --> 00:05:46,887
Do you? Do you say that?

48
00:05:47,013 --> 00:05:49,890
l tell you, it's the latest early warning hat.

49
00:05:49,974 --> 00:05:52,142
lt gives you that extra four minutes in bed.

50
00:05:52,226 --> 00:05:55,228
l never wore a hat in bed, l've been
a Catholic person for a long time now,

51
00:05:55,313 --> 00:05:57,898
and l wouldn't know where to begin.
ls this your car, sir?

52
00:05:57,982 --> 00:06:00,067
lt is, l acquired it from Lord Snowdon.

53
00:06:00,193 --> 00:06:02,569
-Not the Lord Snowdon?
-No, a Lord Snowdon.

54
00:06:02,653 --> 00:06:05,655
Ah, yes, the woods are full of them.
Goodbye, sir.

55
00:06:09,202 --> 00:06:10,744
Said that very well, didn't he?

56
00:06:14,916 --> 00:06:17,084
The Prime Minister. . .

57
00:06:17,168 --> 00:06:18,752
The Prime Minister is coming out.

58
00:06:21,255 --> 00:06:23,590
-Prime Minister, can you say. . .
-Yes, l can say.

59
00:06:23,674 --> 00:06:25,717
l can say without any fear of contradiction,

60
00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:29,179
after some pretty tough bargaining, l can say,

61
00:06:29,263 --> 00:06:33,600
we have finally fixed the rent of Number 1 0
at an undisclosed figure

62
00:06:33,768 --> 00:06:38,105
of 1 00 yen pounds per week.

63
00:06:38,606 --> 00:06:42,109
This lease means peace in our time.

64
00:06:42,360 --> 00:06:44,277
(MlSSlLES HlSSlNG)

65
00:06:44,612 --> 00:06:46,446
(LOUD EXPLOSlON)

66
00:06:48,533 --> 00:06:51,076
That, l'm afraid, was the end of the news.

67
00:06:51,119 --> 00:06:54,788
Our next scheduled programme
will be on August Bank Holiday,

68
00:06:54,872 --> 00:06:58,208
when Charlton Heston will
wrestle His Holiness the Pope

69
00:06:58,292 --> 00:07:00,210
for the Sportsman of the Year title.

70
00:07:01,087 --> 00:07:05,298
Until then, all walk backwards
into long shot while good night is given.

71
00:07:05,967 --> 00:07:07,968
(CLEARlNG THROAT)

72
00:07:08,219 --> 00:07:10,095
(GROWLlNG)

73
00:07:11,472 --> 00:07:14,975
# God save Mrs Ethel Shroake

74
00:07:15,059 --> 00:07:18,145
# Long live Mrs Ethel Shroake

75
00:07:18,187 --> 00:07:20,605
# God save Mrs Ethel Shroake

76
00:07:20,648 --> 00:07:24,484
# Of 393A High Street, Leytonstone #

77
00:07:25,486 --> 00:07:26,778
Good night.

78
00:07:26,988 --> 00:07:28,989
Here! Here!

79
00:07:29,115 --> 00:07:31,950
Come out of that television set.
lt's our turn for the telly news.

80
00:07:31,993 --> 00:07:34,202
-Oh, is it?
-Are you the District Visiting Announcer?

81
00:07:34,328 --> 00:07:35,787
Yes, that's right. Have you any requests?

82
00:07:35,830 --> 00:07:37,497
Can you do the fall of Singapore?

83
00:07:37,540 --> 00:07:39,166
Oh, yes, certainly.

84
00:07:39,292 --> 00:07:42,377
Tonight, Japanese invasion forces
reached Singapore.

85
00:07:42,753 --> 00:07:43,962
Oh, dear!

86
00:07:44,005 --> 00:07:46,131
-Ah !
-l didn't quite catch the name.

87
00:07:46,174 --> 00:07:47,340
Are you a doctor, Doctor?

88
00:07:47,467 --> 00:07:50,177
-l advertise.
-No boots. l don't wear them.

89
00:07:50,303 --> 00:07:51,678
And l don't travel in them.

90
00:07:51,721 --> 00:07:53,680
Don't be sharp with me, young man.

91
00:07:53,806 --> 00:07:55,015
My card.

92
00:07:55,475 --> 00:07:57,184
"Kennington and District Steam Laundry."

93
00:07:57,226 --> 00:07:58,560
Oh, l am pleased to meet you.

94
00:07:58,686 --> 00:08:01,188
Oh, no, that's not me.
l've let the space for advertising.

95
00:08:01,355 --> 00:08:03,857
l am other side, Lord Fortnum of Alamein,

96
00:08:03,900 --> 00:08:05,859
l acquired the title from a soldier person

97
00:08:05,902 --> 00:08:07,527
who found himself on hard times.

98
00:08:07,570 --> 00:08:09,237
With psychiatry or army surplus?

99
00:08:09,363 --> 00:08:10,822
l think he had to do with all of that.

100
00:08:10,865 --> 00:08:13,074
And table lamps were negotiable.
We all got one.

101
00:08:13,367 --> 00:08:14,868
l don't require surgery.

102
00:08:14,994 --> 00:08:17,412
l shall decide that, Lord Fortnum.

103
00:08:18,164 --> 00:08:21,249
Now, do you want
it privately or on the National Health?

104
00:08:21,375 --> 00:08:22,501
-Yes.
-What?

105
00:08:22,543 --> 00:08:24,878
Yes, l want it privately,
on the National Health.

106
00:08:42,230 --> 00:08:44,356
Ah ! You're home early tonight, Father.

107
00:08:44,941 --> 00:08:47,526
-The last bar on the Circle Line.
-Oh !

108
00:08:47,568 --> 00:08:49,236
l think l'll have a smoke.

109
00:08:49,362 --> 00:08:51,196
One of these days, you'll not come back.

110
00:08:51,239 --> 00:08:53,949
Be brought back
by the health visitor, smoking.

111
00:08:54,575 --> 00:08:55,909
You know, and yet you persist,

112
00:08:55,952 --> 00:08:58,870
you know that l don't approve
of you leaving the compartment.

113
00:08:58,913 --> 00:09:01,581
She doesn't get enough exercise
on the whole.

114
00:09:01,624 --> 00:09:04,626
After all, it's been. . . How long's it been?

115
00:09:05,753 --> 00:09:07,379
lt's been since. . . Dear?

116
00:09:07,421 --> 00:09:10,632
That, since the. . . Since, well. . .

117
00:09:11,425 --> 00:09:14,761
Still, we've managed very well.

118
00:09:18,140 --> 00:09:19,933
l expect it's the choccy bars.

119
00:09:21,394 --> 00:09:23,228
l like my women chubby built.

120
00:09:23,604 --> 00:09:26,231
l think she smokes
to try to keep her weight down.

121
00:09:26,816 --> 00:09:30,610
Oh, l wish there was more people
of her own age on the Circle Line

122
00:09:30,945 --> 00:09:32,779
she could perhaps smoke with.

123
00:09:32,905 --> 00:09:36,616
lt'll be a damn fast habit, Mother.
Oh, she's always at it.

124
00:09:37,618 --> 00:09:39,119
Ah, well. . .

125
00:10:07,940 --> 00:10:10,483
Now, look here,
there's a limit to what l'll do, you know.

126
00:10:10,610 --> 00:10:12,611
ls there?
Well, let's go as far as that, then, shall we?

127
00:10:12,653 --> 00:10:15,488
Yes. Huh ! Well, it's not unpleasant

128
00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:17,657
-when one gets used to it.
-Yes.

129
00:10:18,159 --> 00:10:19,993
(CLEARlNG THROAT) Well, you know,

130
00:10:20,661 --> 00:10:22,162
you've been a bit off colour.

131
00:10:22,330 --> 00:10:24,289
Yes, l have.
And what's more l'm not eating anything.

132
00:10:24,332 --> 00:10:26,082
-Why is that?
-Well, l can't get the stuff.

133
00:10:26,167 --> 00:10:28,335
Ah, but look, l had this mounted,
this very morning.

134
00:10:28,586 --> 00:10:29,919
Eighteen carat Hovis.

135
00:10:30,171 --> 00:10:31,838
Well, tell me about it, more.

136
00:10:31,922 --> 00:10:33,840
Well, things were going swimmingly
until that. . .

137
00:10:33,883 --> 00:10:36,885
Well, until they dropped the,
well now, you know. . .

138
00:10:37,011 --> 00:10:39,346
-Oh, the old. . . (lMlTATES EXPLOSlON)
-That's the fellow.

139
00:10:39,430 --> 00:10:40,847
Yes. Did the noise keep you awake?

140
00:10:40,890 --> 00:10:44,559
Oh, no, l slept through it all right.
Yes. ln fact, when l was in England, still abed,

141
00:10:44,685 --> 00:10:46,853
albeit in a club chair,
the Third World War took place.

142
00:10:46,937 --> 00:10:48,188
(AlR RAlD SlREN BLARlNG)

143
00:10:48,272 --> 00:10:50,190
l didn't get a chance to join the regiment.

144
00:10:50,274 --> 00:10:52,275
Neither did l. l was standing by,

145
00:10:52,360 --> 00:10:54,027
ready to face the enemy,
whoever they might be.

146
00:10:54,111 --> 00:10:56,237
-Mmm.
-And l couldn't find them.

147
00:10:56,364 --> 00:10:57,864
Tell me, do you know, who was the enemy?

148
00:10:57,948 --> 00:11:01,117
l haven't the least idea. l thought, Doctor,

149
00:11:01,202 --> 00:11:05,872
l thought you might give me breakfast
as a prescription against malnutrition.

150
00:11:05,956 --> 00:11:07,707
Ah, yes. Well. . .

151
00:11:08,125 --> 00:11:12,921
Take, um, 30 milligrams of egg on toast.

152
00:11:13,047 --> 00:11:14,631
You can get it made up at any restaurant.

153
00:11:14,715 --> 00:11:16,216
Oh, good ! l'll have it made up in Boots.

154
00:11:16,300 --> 00:11:17,550
lt's more hygienic in bottles.

155
00:11:17,635 --> 00:11:20,929
Yes, yes, yes, but will it cure me, huh?

156
00:11:21,055 --> 00:11:23,390
My first impulse is to cut and run.

157
00:11:23,474 --> 00:11:26,393
Thankful, happy in the thought
it's no more than simple starvation,

158
00:11:26,435 --> 00:11:30,313
but Doctor, l, l. . . l feel it is more.

159
00:11:31,440 --> 00:11:34,067
Lord Fortnum,
we must have a thorough look at you.

160
00:11:34,110 --> 00:11:35,235
Uh, yes.

161
00:11:35,277 --> 00:11:36,903
-Would you sit down again, please?
-Yes, yes, yes.

162
00:11:36,987 --> 00:11:38,988
lnside and out. Feet up, please.

163
00:11:40,991 --> 00:11:43,410
Oh, your skin is very white.

164
00:11:43,452 --> 00:11:44,744
My parents were white.

165
00:11:44,787 --> 00:11:49,124
Doctor, look. Since this thing dropped,
this, this rude thing, this, um. . .

166
00:11:49,250 --> 00:11:50,750
(lMlTATES EXPLOSlON)

167
00:11:50,793 --> 00:11:55,463
That's the fellow.
l've had terrible morbid fears.

168
00:11:55,798 --> 00:11:59,467
l think l may turn into a bed sitting room.

169
00:12:00,970 --> 00:12:02,429
(STAMMERlNG)

170
00:12:02,513 --> 00:12:07,100
Ah ! Ah, that's probably atomic mutation.

171
00:12:07,184 --> 00:12:08,977
-There's a lot of it about.
-What can l take for it?

172
00:12:09,937 --> 00:12:11,438
-Three guineas?
-What?

173
00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:13,189
Take three guineas, for your rent?

174
00:12:13,274 --> 00:12:18,862
Rent! l don't want rent, l want to be cured,
l demand a second opinion.

175
00:12:18,946 --> 00:12:20,655
Yes, well, that is your privilege, of course.

176
00:12:20,781 --> 00:12:24,951
But l can tell you that
there's no evidence of dry rot or woodworm,

177
00:12:25,035 --> 00:12:29,038
but keep well wrapped up
and try and keep out of overdrafts.

178
00:12:35,838 --> 00:12:39,466
She gets later and later every night,
and sometimes morning.

179
00:12:39,550 --> 00:12:41,468
Well, perhaps she's had more than one.

180
00:12:41,510 --> 00:12:43,636
She's had time for half a dozen, if you ask me.

181
00:12:45,473 --> 00:12:46,639
l'm going to get her.

182
00:12:46,682 --> 00:12:48,808
Oh, Father, don't leave me at night.

183
00:12:48,893 --> 00:12:50,643
lt is bleedin' night, isn't it?

184
00:13:12,750 --> 00:13:14,083
(SCREAMlNG)

185
00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:57,335
(ENGlNE ROARlNG)

186
00:14:33,330 --> 00:14:34,914
(PENELOPE PANTlNG)

187
00:14:35,624 --> 00:14:37,000
(PENELOPE LAUGHlNG)

188
00:14:40,087 --> 00:14:41,588
God, what's this?

189
00:14:44,925 --> 00:14:46,551
A likely story!

190
00:14:47,928 --> 00:14:50,054
Those are not my daughter's little hairs.

191
00:14:51,348 --> 00:14:52,640
Out you come.

192
00:14:59,064 --> 00:15:00,815
There's a simple explanation, sir.

193
00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:03,276
Yes. And l'm going to give it to you.

194
00:15:08,240 --> 00:15:09,324
(CLEARS THROAT)

195
00:15:09,408 --> 00:15:13,953
Ah ! What class of person are you?
l am top drawer, to put it mildly.

196
00:15:14,038 --> 00:15:19,208
You, l expect, are from the guttering.
But l don't believe it, about my turning,

197
00:15:19,293 --> 00:15:20,335
no.

198
00:15:29,929 --> 00:15:31,262
(TRAlN ENGlNE CHUGGlNG)

199
00:15:34,975 --> 00:15:36,684
Well, what can l say?

200
00:15:36,769 --> 00:15:38,811
-Say?
-Say sorry.

201
00:15:39,188 --> 00:15:40,438
Sorry?

202
00:15:41,649 --> 00:15:42,857
Sorry.

203
00:15:42,942 --> 00:15:45,318
That's not nearly enough enough,
under the circumstances.

204
00:15:46,028 --> 00:15:49,489
Actually, sir, l'm a commuter chap.
You know, backwards and forwards.

205
00:15:49,573 --> 00:15:51,324
-That's nice.
-Forwards and backwards.

206
00:15:51,408 --> 00:15:52,992
FATHER: How dare you !

207
00:15:53,077 --> 00:15:56,162
-Does it get boring?
-How really dare you say such things?

208
00:15:57,164 --> 00:15:58,498
And do them !

209
00:15:59,249 --> 00:16:03,169
Well, l'd be interested in joining your party,
l'm sure you can use another pair of hands.

210
00:16:03,253 --> 00:16:05,254
You keep your filthy commuter hands
to yourself.

211
00:16:05,339 --> 00:16:07,674
Down the seams of your trousers,
where l can see them.

212
00:16:09,677 --> 00:16:11,427
She'll need a nurse.

213
00:16:12,137 --> 00:16:13,596
Mmm.

214
00:16:36,203 --> 00:16:40,415
Right. You can get dressed.
Uh, but what is it you want?

215
00:16:40,499 --> 00:16:42,041
Want, want?

216
00:16:42,126 --> 00:16:45,086
Do you mean to say you've been looking
at me without regard to my condition?

217
00:16:45,170 --> 00:16:46,921
You're not well enough
to have a condition, dear.

218
00:16:47,006 --> 00:16:48,089
Do you want a potty?

219
00:16:48,173 --> 00:16:50,633
l want no such thing. l want an opinion.

220
00:16:51,885 --> 00:16:53,928
Well, in my opinion. . .

221
00:16:54,054 --> 00:16:56,889
ln my opinion, you need re-pointing.

222
00:16:56,974 --> 00:16:58,725
But that's only putting off the evil hour.

223
00:16:58,809 --> 00:17:03,980
What you really need, you see,
is a full-scale conversion to maisonette.

224
00:17:04,773 --> 00:17:06,441
-lt's true, then?
-Oh, l expect it is.

225
00:17:06,525 --> 00:17:09,777
Still, try not to worry, love. lt's a simple op.

226
00:17:10,612 --> 00:17:12,697
And the Council
will give you a grant for your bathroom.

227
00:17:12,781 --> 00:17:15,283
You don't realise, do you,
l don't want a bathroom.

228
00:17:15,367 --> 00:17:19,662
Now, if you want anything,
here we are, just ring for nurse.

229
00:17:28,630 --> 00:17:30,465
My God, l've dropped a brick!

230
00:17:39,558 --> 00:17:41,100
Come along, Mother.

231
00:17:41,185 --> 00:17:43,061
Must we go, Dad?

232
00:17:43,812 --> 00:17:45,563
l felt safe in there.

233
00:17:46,315 --> 00:17:48,608
Nothing to worry about.

234
00:17:59,328 --> 00:18:00,411
Where are we going?

235
00:18:00,496 --> 00:18:02,830
l say that. l'm the leader of the new world.

236
00:18:02,915 --> 00:18:04,707
Where we're going,
up is where we're going, young man.

237
00:18:04,792 --> 00:18:06,751
And don't you forget it.

238
00:18:09,671 --> 00:18:12,715
l say, sir, you can't do that.
That's public property.

239
00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:15,093
That's all right. l am a member of the public.

240
00:18:15,177 --> 00:18:16,469
(CRASHlNG)

241
00:18:16,553 --> 00:18:18,054
Public member.

242
00:18:22,184 --> 00:18:25,478
At last! At last they've come to collect me.

243
00:18:29,566 --> 00:18:31,609
-How long have you been. . .?
-Three years.

244
00:18:31,693 --> 00:18:32,985
Three years?

245
00:18:33,070 --> 00:18:34,737
Collect me, collect me.

246
00:18:34,822 --> 00:18:37,448
l've been here dead
since imminent warning red.

247
00:18:37,533 --> 00:18:39,534
l'm afraid there's far too much to pay.

248
00:18:39,618 --> 00:18:41,786
My friend will pay. lf you can find him.

249
00:18:41,870 --> 00:18:43,871
There are no friends left.

250
00:18:45,499 --> 00:18:47,208
Roger, is this your trunk?

251
00:18:47,584 --> 00:18:50,044
Me? My name's not Roger, it's Alan.

252
00:18:50,754 --> 00:18:52,380
Roger's name is not on the lid.

253
00:18:53,507 --> 00:18:55,216
lt'll cost you 25 shillings.

254
00:18:56,385 --> 00:18:58,219
Oh, l'm afraid l haven't any money, sir.

255
00:18:59,054 --> 00:19:00,888
l shall lend you some.

256
00:19:05,060 --> 00:19:07,395
Take something useful.

257
00:19:10,399 --> 00:19:12,066
Help me on.

258
00:19:13,652 --> 00:19:15,027
(BANGlNG)

259
00:19:17,030 --> 00:19:19,448
MOTHER: Oh ! This is nice and warm.

260
00:19:23,912 --> 00:19:25,204
Oh, dear me!

261
00:19:25,664 --> 00:19:28,666
l'm afraid l'm three shillings short, sir,
l shall have to owe it to you.

262
00:19:41,847 --> 00:19:43,264
Come along.

263
00:19:47,936 --> 00:19:49,478
What are you doing with that trunk?

264
00:19:49,563 --> 00:19:51,772
What? We've got to have luggage, girl.

265
00:19:51,857 --> 00:19:53,649
Can't be arrested as vagrants.

266
00:19:54,151 --> 00:19:55,234
Go on.

267
00:19:55,360 --> 00:19:57,528
You've got the tickets, dear.

268
00:20:15,672 --> 00:20:17,089
l hear a rumour, sir,

269
00:20:17,216 --> 00:20:19,759
the Pope's now
allowing contraceptives for all occasions.

270
00:20:20,761 --> 00:20:22,762
Except during sexual intercourse.

271
00:20:22,846 --> 00:20:24,096
You'd better get your hair cut.

272
00:20:24,181 --> 00:20:25,264
(CHUCKLES)

273
00:20:25,349 --> 00:20:28,017
That's enough of that talk. Keep talk out of it!

274
00:20:40,280 --> 00:20:41,572
(EXCLAlMlNG)

275
00:20:46,578 --> 00:20:48,120
You all right?

276
00:21:17,484 --> 00:21:19,652
(DONKEY BRAYlNG)

277
00:21:28,495 --> 00:21:30,913
Look here, look here.
Can't you get more horsepower?

278
00:21:30,998 --> 00:21:35,126
Keep moving. Keep moving, sir.
You're safer on the move.

279
00:21:36,753 --> 00:21:37,962
What?

280
00:21:38,755 --> 00:21:42,633
l shan't, l shall not
keep asking you to keep moving, sir.

281
00:21:42,676 --> 00:21:47,013
You will not? You'll do your duty, young man.
l wish to speak to your superior,

282
00:21:47,139 --> 00:21:50,016
l expect to turn
into a bed sitting room very shortly.

283
00:21:51,018 --> 00:21:53,185
l think you'd better speak to me, sir.

284
00:21:53,312 --> 00:21:56,147
ln which particular,
l shall be obliged to stop somewhere,

285
00:21:56,189 --> 00:21:57,356
preferably a street.

286
00:21:57,441 --> 00:21:58,524
You can't stop here, sir.

287
00:21:58,650 --> 00:21:59,984
Oh, well, where can l stop?

288
00:22:00,027 --> 00:22:02,194
You can't stop anywhere, sir,
as you very well know.

289
00:22:02,321 --> 00:22:04,030
We don't want to stay
in one place long enough

290
00:22:04,156 --> 00:22:06,657
for the enemy to have
another chance at us, do we, sir?

291
00:22:06,700 --> 00:22:09,201
Not until our pre-emptive strike is launched,
do we, sir?

292
00:22:09,703 --> 00:22:10,786
Do we, sir?

293
00:22:10,871 --> 00:22:13,956
Have we not struck back? Has England not?

294
00:22:14,458 --> 00:22:18,210
We should have struck back
three years ago, if not before.

295
00:22:18,337 --> 00:22:21,213
l expect we did, sir.
But these things take time.

296
00:22:21,715 --> 00:22:25,217
You're not looking very well, sir.
Have you been to a good estate agent?

297
00:22:25,344 --> 00:22:27,386
Oh, my God ! Sorry, sir.

298
00:22:27,512 --> 00:22:32,058
Oh, yes. Absolutely refused to handle me,
until l'd turned into a bed sitting room.

299
00:22:32,184 --> 00:22:33,392
And you are not that?

300
00:22:33,477 --> 00:22:34,894
Not yet fully, damn you, man !

301
00:22:35,020 --> 00:22:37,480
Do l, do l. . . Do l look like a bed sitting room?

302
00:22:37,647 --> 00:22:39,231
lt's not for me to say, sir.

303
00:22:39,316 --> 00:22:41,067
But should you stop,
you're liable to be knocked down

304
00:22:41,193 --> 00:22:42,318
without the option.

305
00:22:42,402 --> 00:22:44,070
Well, l. . .

306
00:22:44,196 --> 00:22:46,739
l don't want to turn into a bed sitting room.

307
00:22:46,865 --> 00:22:48,574
(STUTTERlNG) l don't.

308
00:22:48,700 --> 00:22:51,494
You can't have a Lord
turning into that sort of thing.

309
00:22:51,578 --> 00:22:55,915
l mean, Longleat, Woburn Abbey,
a place where the takings are considerable,

310
00:22:56,041 --> 00:22:57,917
but a bedsitter!

311
00:22:58,585 --> 00:23:01,587
Three pounds ten a week. Never!

312
00:23:01,713 --> 00:23:03,255
Carry on, Sergeant.

313
00:23:03,340 --> 00:23:05,925
(COUGHlNG) Excuse me.

314
00:23:12,599 --> 00:23:14,266
ELECTRONlC VOlCE: Do you hear the frog?

315
00:23:14,393 --> 00:23:16,894
(CROAKING)

316
00:23:20,273 --> 00:23:21,440
Here's a turkey.

317
00:23:21,566 --> 00:23:23,317
(GOBBLING)

318
00:23:25,487 --> 00:23:27,947
ln every way,
l'm getting better and better.

319
00:23:27,989 --> 00:23:29,240
Every day, in every. . .

320
00:23:29,282 --> 00:23:31,283
(HORSE NElGHlNG)

321
00:23:33,453 --> 00:23:35,454
-Hello, hello?
-MAN: Hello, hello. Have they dropped it yet?

322
00:23:35,497 --> 00:23:36,997
No. l've still got it in me hand.

323
00:23:37,124 --> 00:23:38,457
Hello, hello. Have they dropped it?

324
00:23:38,500 --> 00:23:39,959
-Hello, up there.
-lt's coming from. . .

325
00:23:40,001 --> 00:23:42,837
Hello, hello!

326
00:23:42,963 --> 00:23:45,005
You stupid. . .

327
00:23:45,132 --> 00:23:48,300
Hello. l can hear you down here.
Can you hear me up there?

328
00:23:49,010 --> 00:23:50,970
Every day, in every way,
l'm getting better and better.

329
00:23:51,096 --> 00:23:52,805
Every day and every. . .

330
00:24:04,609 --> 00:24:07,319
She's got big busts, hasn't she?
For a girl her age, hmm?

331
00:24:07,446 --> 00:24:08,988
-What?
-ALAN: Yeah, what?

332
00:24:09,030 --> 00:24:11,490
That left bust, especially seems to,

333
00:24:11,533 --> 00:24:13,284
the nipple seems
to stand out more on that one.

334
00:24:13,326 --> 00:24:14,452
(CHUCKLlNG) Yes.

335
00:24:14,494 --> 00:24:17,329
Mmm. Father's very observant.
He was in the Corps.

336
00:24:17,456 --> 00:24:19,373
l wish he wouldn't
talk about me in front of Alan.

337
00:24:19,499 --> 00:24:21,667
He doesn't want to know about my busts.

338
00:24:21,710 --> 00:24:22,877
No, l do, l do.

339
00:24:23,003 --> 00:24:24,879
Shall we stop here for tea?

340
00:24:25,005 --> 00:24:27,131
l hope all this family talk
isn't boring you, Alan?

341
00:24:27,174 --> 00:24:28,382
-No, not a bit of it.
-Good.

342
00:24:28,508 --> 00:24:32,178
Well, l expect you'd like a little dance now.
To relax you, the both of you.

343
00:24:48,069 --> 00:24:51,238
l'm glad it's all over. The, um. . .

344
00:24:52,491 --> 00:24:54,575
Do you know, Mother, so am l.

345
00:24:55,243 --> 00:24:56,869
Just like l was glad when l married you.

346
00:24:56,995 --> 00:24:58,037
(CHUCKLES)

347
00:24:58,079 --> 00:24:59,330
Got it all over.

348
00:24:59,372 --> 00:25:03,501
lf l'd known the end was such a relief.
lf only l. . .

349
00:25:03,543 --> 00:25:06,086
l used to say,
"For Christ's sake, drop it," didn't l?

350
00:25:06,213 --> 00:25:08,339
Only when you were very tired.

351
00:25:08,840 --> 00:25:10,174
(CHUCKLlNG)

352
00:25:12,260 --> 00:25:14,053
FATHER: He's not a bad lad.

353
00:25:14,179 --> 00:25:15,721
Now, there you are, what did l say?

354
00:25:15,764 --> 00:25:18,224
-Did you hear what l said, lad?
-He said you were not a bad lad.

355
00:25:18,266 --> 00:25:19,391
There!

356
00:25:19,434 --> 00:25:20,559
Oh, thank you.

357
00:25:20,685 --> 00:25:22,770
-One of the family now.
-There.

358
00:25:22,896 --> 00:25:25,564
l want you to treat me
just as if l was your father.

359
00:25:26,525 --> 00:25:27,691
(SCREAMlNG)

360
00:25:27,734 --> 00:25:29,568
l hated my father!

361
00:25:29,611 --> 00:25:31,904
No. Right. Ahhh !

362
00:25:32,447 --> 00:25:34,907
Well, haven't you got a favourite uncle
you were fond of, young Alan?

363
00:25:36,284 --> 00:25:37,451
Yes.

364
00:25:37,953 --> 00:25:39,912
Well, treat me like him, then.

365
00:25:41,373 --> 00:25:42,706
(GROANS)

366
00:25:43,542 --> 00:25:46,377
Uncle, can l have
sixpence for sweeties, please?

367
00:25:48,380 --> 00:25:49,547
Of course you may.

368
00:25:50,549 --> 00:25:52,424
What a good, polite boy you are!

369
00:25:52,467 --> 00:25:53,801
(CHUCKLES)

370
00:25:58,473 --> 00:26:00,641
Radiation's rising.

371
00:26:01,226 --> 00:26:03,143
Still, one mustn't grumble too much.

372
00:26:03,270 --> 00:26:04,645
(CLlNKlNG TWlCE)

373
00:26:06,481 --> 00:26:07,731
(CLlNKlNG THRlCE)

374
00:26:07,774 --> 00:26:10,276
-Hello?
-MAN: Hello, have they dropped it yet?

375
00:26:10,402 --> 00:26:12,111
-Hey?
-Hello?

376
00:26:12,237 --> 00:26:14,280
-What?
-Have they dropped it yet, boy?

377
00:26:14,322 --> 00:26:16,198
-Where are you?
-ln by here.

378
00:26:17,325 --> 00:26:19,118
-Hmm?
-ln by here.

379
00:26:20,787 --> 00:26:22,162
(GRUNTlNG)

380
00:26:23,331 --> 00:26:26,500
l'm a regional seat of government.
Come in by here, quick.

381
00:26:26,626 --> 00:26:28,669
l'll soon have you seated and governed.

382
00:26:30,505 --> 00:26:32,548
Fancy seeing you down here.

383
00:26:32,632 --> 00:26:34,466
-Who are you?
-First of all,

384
00:26:35,218 --> 00:26:36,552
have they dropped it yet, indeed?

385
00:26:36,636 --> 00:26:37,720
Have they dropped what?

386
00:26:37,804 --> 00:26:42,516
You know, the. . . You're bound to know.
You're up there, weren't you?

387
00:26:46,146 --> 00:26:49,982
Still, towards the end
it got all mixed up with the blackies and LBJ.

388
00:26:50,066 --> 00:26:53,485
There's a fellow for you, LBJ.
l was proud to regionally serve him.

389
00:26:53,528 --> 00:26:56,864
(LAUGHlNG) Have they?
No, don't tell me, let me guess.

390
00:26:58,033 --> 00:26:59,867
Harrods laid all this on, you know. Harrods!

391
00:26:59,993 --> 00:27:02,036
-They're very good at that.
-Yes.

392
00:27:02,329 --> 00:27:05,039
l expect l talk too much. Don't listen.
l don't listen.

393
00:27:05,415 --> 00:27:07,499
Thank God l've kept my head,
when all about are. . .

394
00:27:08,668 --> 00:27:09,918
Have they?

395
00:27:11,046 --> 00:27:12,421
Some good people have gone, you know.

396
00:27:12,505 --> 00:27:14,423
-Oh, yes.
-l shot two myself.

397
00:27:14,507 --> 00:27:18,427
l had to. They came at me. They tried to get in
with the man from Harrods.

398
00:27:18,511 --> 00:27:20,387
ln gas masks, they were, trying to get in.

399
00:27:20,513 --> 00:27:23,390
So l shot them. l said,
"Take those gas masks off your face," l said.

400
00:27:23,516 --> 00:27:26,018
l had to. They might have been some
of my directors, you see.

401
00:27:26,102 --> 00:27:27,269
Who? Who did you shoot?

402
00:27:27,354 --> 00:27:29,188
My mother and my wife. Shot them dead.

403
00:27:29,230 --> 00:27:31,190
-Oh.
-Of course, l married again.

404
00:27:32,525 --> 00:27:33,776
Don't mind me, l talk too much.

405
00:27:33,860 --> 00:27:34,902
(CHUCKLES)

406
00:27:35,028 --> 00:27:36,862
-Doris. Doris.
-Hmm?

407
00:27:37,238 --> 00:27:39,573
l'm very much in love.
Of course, it led to marriage.

408
00:27:39,699 --> 00:27:41,617
(CHUCKLlNG) She doesn't seem to mind.

409
00:27:42,369 --> 00:27:43,577
Are you hungry?

410
00:27:43,703 --> 00:27:45,454
-No.
-That's a damn lie!

411
00:27:46,039 --> 00:27:48,082
Don't you shout at me,
l'm a medical practitioner.

412
00:27:48,416 --> 00:27:50,459
(EXCLAlMlNG) Hey!

413
00:27:51,044 --> 00:27:53,087
l have the proof. The terrible proof.

414
00:27:53,213 --> 00:27:54,421
There!

415
00:27:54,547 --> 00:27:57,216
Fresh evidence has
come to life as to who is responsible.

416
00:27:57,801 --> 00:27:59,301
Will you have a bite with us?

417
00:27:59,386 --> 00:28:02,054
l will, l will, l will. ln that order.

418
00:28:10,772 --> 00:28:12,147
Mmm.

419
00:28:12,232 --> 00:28:13,273
Where are we?

420
00:28:13,400 --> 00:28:15,109
(CHUCKLlNG) Are you all forgotten?

421
00:28:15,235 --> 00:28:16,276
Paddington.

422
00:28:17,946 --> 00:28:19,738
(CHUCKLlNG) Don't you know your London?

423
00:28:22,409 --> 00:28:23,450
Shall l carve?

424
00:28:32,168 --> 00:28:33,252
(BOTH LAUGHlNG)

425
00:28:38,967 --> 00:28:40,259
(COUGHS)

426
00:28:42,011 --> 00:28:43,595
lt's family life that's important.

427
00:28:44,431 --> 00:28:46,181
Do you have a family, young man?

428
00:28:46,266 --> 00:28:48,976
No. My big brother did.

429
00:28:49,102 --> 00:28:50,978
Didn't you have a Daddy and a Mummy, then?

430
00:28:51,104 --> 00:28:52,438
No. My brother had them.

431
00:28:53,481 --> 00:28:56,608
That's a bit unfair.
You could've had one each.

432
00:29:02,449 --> 00:29:06,535
MOTHER: l'm sorry to have to rest, Dad,
but my legs feel like lumps of wood.

433
00:29:39,694 --> 00:29:40,861
(GRUNTlNG)

434
00:29:44,657 --> 00:29:47,201
LORD FORTNUM: Well, thank goodness
l caught you on your rounds, Doctor.

435
00:29:47,285 --> 00:29:49,077
What are you going to do for me? What?

436
00:29:55,043 --> 00:29:56,210
Mmm.

437
00:29:57,545 --> 00:29:59,963
Take, um,

438
00:30:00,632 --> 00:30:03,592
six of these pills. One every half mile.

439
00:30:04,010 --> 00:30:06,804
Oh, but l can't do that, l only live a mile away.

440
00:30:06,888 --> 00:30:08,472
This is Hyde Park, isn't it?

441
00:30:08,556 --> 00:30:10,766
Yes. Well, then you'll
have to move further out, l'm afraid.

442
00:30:10,850 --> 00:30:14,019
No. l'll tell you what,
l'll take the long road home.

443
00:30:14,103 --> 00:30:15,896
That's the ticket. Splendid !

444
00:30:16,272 --> 00:30:17,898
l don't know what to say to you, Doctor.

445
00:30:17,982 --> 00:30:19,566
Say, "Doctor, how much will that be?"

446
00:30:19,651 --> 00:30:21,235
Doctor, how much will that be?

447
00:30:21,319 --> 00:30:22,569
That'll be 1 8 post-war guineas,

448
00:30:22,654 --> 00:30:24,571
marked down to three and six
in the last bargain budget.

449
00:30:31,329 --> 00:30:33,080
Oi, here!

450
00:30:33,164 --> 00:30:34,873
Will you excuse me?

451
00:30:38,086 --> 00:30:40,754
Are you Captain Bules Martin?

452
00:30:40,839 --> 00:30:42,047
Yes.

453
00:30:42,757 --> 00:30:45,425
Just sign there, sir, on that line. Here we are.

454
00:30:46,261 --> 00:30:47,344
Thank you.

455
00:30:47,428 --> 00:30:50,472
-Ah ! Luncheon.
-Ah, would you care to join me?

456
00:30:50,557 --> 00:30:52,140
Yes, certainly, certainly.

457
00:30:54,310 --> 00:30:56,270
lf this is Regent's Park, then. . .

458
00:30:57,480 --> 00:30:59,231
Marble Arch must lie to the south.

459
00:31:00,358 --> 00:31:01,900
Dad !

460
00:31:08,783 --> 00:31:11,618
What l have here, sir,
is your wife's death certificate.

461
00:31:11,703 --> 00:31:13,871
-Oh, thank you.
-Oh, dear!

462
00:31:15,415 --> 00:31:19,126
There! Well, it was a lovely way to go.

463
00:31:19,586 --> 00:31:20,794
But Mummy's alive!

464
00:31:20,879 --> 00:31:22,588
l'm afraid not, dear.

465
00:31:24,257 --> 00:31:25,465
(SHUDDERS)

466
00:31:25,550 --> 00:31:27,634
lt makes me feel all funny to read it.

467
00:31:28,928 --> 00:31:30,012
No!

468
00:31:30,096 --> 00:31:31,638
No! Tell them no, Alan.

469
00:31:31,723 --> 00:31:33,098
-No!
-Pull yourself together!

470
00:31:33,182 --> 00:31:34,892
l am together. We are!

471
00:31:34,976 --> 00:31:37,978
l want you to call me Arthur
and come to me for every little plaster.

472
00:31:38,187 --> 00:31:39,688
But Mum's alive!

473
00:31:39,772 --> 00:31:42,858
Well, l thought l was, dear.
By rights, l should be,

474
00:31:42,942 --> 00:31:45,903
but how can you tell if
it's here in black and white?

475
00:31:45,987 --> 00:31:47,529
Give it to me.

476
00:31:47,614 --> 00:31:50,699
l shouldn't, should l, Dad?
lt'll only upset her to read it.

477
00:31:51,701 --> 00:31:55,996
Give it to me, dear.
l'll put it somewhere safe with all the others.

478
00:31:56,956 --> 00:31:58,540
With the health cards.

479
00:31:59,375 --> 00:32:01,543
Look, Mrs Frereton,
there is nothing wrong with you.

480
00:32:01,628 --> 00:32:03,962
Now then, you're a nice, kind boy.

481
00:32:04,047 --> 00:32:06,965
lt's your wife being alive that seems to be
all the trouble, sir.

482
00:32:08,343 --> 00:32:09,551
-l'm sorry.
-Ah.

483
00:32:09,636 --> 00:32:11,803
Oh, l'm sorry,
we don't want to cause any trouble.

484
00:32:11,888 --> 00:32:13,221
Oh, now listen, Mum. . .

485
00:32:13,306 --> 00:32:14,431
Penny!

486
00:32:14,515 --> 00:32:15,766
Don't argue with the nurse, dear.

487
00:32:15,850 --> 00:32:18,644
She's bound to know best, what's best for us.

488
00:32:20,021 --> 00:32:22,230
Do l lie down or anything?

489
00:32:23,399 --> 00:32:25,651
The way, the way
l'd like you to look at it is this.

490
00:32:26,361 --> 00:32:30,572
You may have lost a wife, sir,
but you've gained a certificate.

491
00:32:30,657 --> 00:32:34,076
l expect you've got the set now,
if you haven't been careless with them.

492
00:32:34,369 --> 00:32:36,703
l do hope we haven't been careless
with our papers,

493
00:32:36,788 --> 00:32:38,372
birth, marriage, death. . .

494
00:32:38,456 --> 00:32:39,915
-And school.
-Ah !

495
00:32:40,375 --> 00:32:42,084
Mum got her school.

496
00:32:44,420 --> 00:32:48,256
Father, can you let me see them all
before you send them off?

497
00:32:49,175 --> 00:32:53,178
l would just like to, to hold them all together,

498
00:32:53,262 --> 00:32:54,888
look through them.

499
00:32:56,057 --> 00:32:57,391
(SNlFFLlNG)

500
00:33:02,772 --> 00:33:04,106
Not much, is it?

501
00:33:05,233 --> 00:33:06,775
Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

502
00:33:07,110 --> 00:33:11,279
And we've all been so much
happier since that. . .

503
00:33:16,119 --> 00:33:19,579
Oh, well, at least l can still keep cheerful.

504
00:33:20,623 --> 00:33:22,165
That's the style, Mum.

505
00:33:23,084 --> 00:33:24,960
That's the hammer.

506
00:33:26,129 --> 00:33:28,130
Forward.

507
00:33:36,973 --> 00:33:38,140
LORD FORTNUM: Hello!

508
00:33:39,183 --> 00:33:41,059
My dear God, gas metres!

509
00:33:41,519 --> 00:33:46,440
l can hear them shilling in the slot.
Gas metres on a lord's legs.

510
00:33:47,400 --> 00:33:51,403
Belgravia! l must find Belgravia before l turn.

511
00:33:51,779 --> 00:33:55,490
For all l know,
l may even now be in the provinces.

512
00:33:55,575 --> 00:34:01,496
Will someone kindly set me on the right road
to Belgravia? A guide! A guide!

513
00:34:02,248 --> 00:34:06,001
My freehold for a guide!

514
00:34:06,711 --> 00:34:08,003
(MARTlN BURPS)

515
00:34:08,087 --> 00:34:11,631
MARTlN: Ah, what a lovely evening.
Splendid meal.

516
00:34:11,883 --> 00:34:13,884
SHELTER MAN: Yes,
care for an after-dinner drink?

517
00:34:13,968 --> 00:34:15,844
Well, thank you very much, yes.

518
00:34:27,523 --> 00:34:29,191
No. Here, let me have a try.

519
00:34:36,032 --> 00:34:38,116
(BOTH LAUGHlNG)

520
00:34:39,452 --> 00:34:40,577
Cheers!

521
00:34:44,040 --> 00:34:45,540
What were you doing before this, then?

522
00:34:45,625 --> 00:34:48,001
l was in the army, actually. l'm a Captain.

523
00:34:48,086 --> 00:34:50,212
Oh, l say! What regiment?

524
00:34:50,296 --> 00:34:52,631
Oh, we didn't know,
due to the Official Secrets Act.

525
00:34:52,715 --> 00:34:57,427
But from what l can make of my cap badge,
it was the Household Cavalry.

526
00:34:57,512 --> 00:34:58,887
Did you have to be a householder?

527
00:34:58,971 --> 00:35:02,349
(CHUCKLlNG) Oh, good lord, no, no!
No. lt did help for a commission.

528
00:35:02,433 --> 00:35:03,558
No, the household that we're referring to

529
00:35:03,643 --> 00:35:06,103
is the Buckingham Palace household.
We did all the cavalry for them.

530
00:35:06,187 --> 00:35:09,022
Did you? They're splendid !

531
00:35:09,107 --> 00:35:12,192
(SlGHlNG) All destroyed,
of course, when they dropped the. . .

532
00:35:12,693 --> 00:35:13,777
Oh !

533
00:35:13,861 --> 00:35:15,612
# God save our gracious Queen

534
00:35:15,696 --> 00:35:17,489
# Long live our noble Queen

535
00:35:17,573 --> 00:35:19,157
# God save our Queen. . . #

536
00:35:19,242 --> 00:35:22,244
No, no, no! We don't sing that any longer.

537
00:35:22,328 --> 00:35:23,745
-You don't?
-No, we sing now that

538
00:35:23,830 --> 00:35:27,582
God should save Mrs Ethel Shroake
of 393A High Street, Leytonstone.

539
00:35:27,667 --> 00:35:28,750
Oh.

540
00:35:28,835 --> 00:35:31,586
Of the twenty people
who are known to be left alive in England,

541
00:35:31,671 --> 00:35:33,380
she stands next in line
to the throne, you know.

542
00:35:33,464 --> 00:35:34,548
(PHONE RlNGlNG)

543
00:35:34,632 --> 00:35:36,341
-Mmm.
-l say!

544
00:35:36,425 --> 00:35:40,428
You're lucky to be still connected, huh?
Bit of luck to have the phone.

545
00:35:40,513 --> 00:35:44,724
l've only got the bells, boy.
Drive me mad, they do, they drive me mad !

546
00:35:44,809 --> 00:35:45,892
Aye.

547
00:35:45,977 --> 00:35:48,103
Hey, is that the authorities?

548
00:35:48,187 --> 00:35:50,355
Hey! Hey! Keep moving !

549
00:35:50,439 --> 00:35:53,108
No building whatever! Keep moving !

550
00:35:53,651 --> 00:35:55,277
No building whatever!
Keep moving ! Keep moving !

551
00:35:55,361 --> 00:35:57,320
l have the proof! l have the proof!

552
00:35:57,822 --> 00:36:00,157
Look! The proof of germ warfare, boy.

553
00:36:01,826 --> 00:36:04,619
They dip the weapons in germs, you see.
They dip the weapons in the germs.

554
00:36:04,704 --> 00:36:06,121
And then if they survive the, you know. . .

555
00:36:06,205 --> 00:36:09,624
(CHUCKLlNG) lf you survive that, you see,
you go down with the measles.

556
00:36:09,709 --> 00:36:10,750
(PHONE RlNGlNG)

557
00:36:10,835 --> 00:36:12,752
Uh, excuse me, madam.

558
00:36:12,837 --> 00:36:15,422
Uh, which one
of you ordered a business telephone?

559
00:36:15,506 --> 00:36:16,548
-Both of me.
-Huh?

560
00:36:16,632 --> 00:36:19,801
At last, at last, l shall convince the world
with my documentary voice!

561
00:36:19,886 --> 00:36:21,011
No, this is a. . .

562
00:36:21,095 --> 00:36:23,471
Hello, folks of world !
Hello, hello, folks of world !

563
00:36:23,556 --> 00:36:25,682
This is a. . . lt's only a demonstration model.

564
00:36:25,766 --> 00:36:27,642
But this is the type you'll be getting, madam.

565
00:36:27,727 --> 00:36:29,644
Just let me have the borrowing of it,
will you, please?

566
00:36:29,729 --> 00:36:31,271
-The bells are driving me mad, you see.
-Don't worry, sir.

567
00:36:31,355 --> 00:36:33,190
Don't worry.
As soon as the telephone's installed,

568
00:36:33,274 --> 00:36:34,524
we rip the bells out.

569
00:36:34,609 --> 00:36:36,151
Let me have it! Let me have it!

570
00:36:36,235 --> 00:36:37,360
Madam !

571
00:36:37,445 --> 00:36:38,987
Hello, hello, hello!

572
00:36:41,199 --> 00:36:42,616
lt's for you.

573
00:36:42,700 --> 00:36:43,825
Oh.

574
00:36:44,535 --> 00:36:47,162
-Hello?
-Colour? l'll show you in bloody colour.

575
00:36:47,246 --> 00:36:49,497
-What's he talking about, chum?
-Colour!

576
00:36:49,582 --> 00:36:52,792
The dirty. . .sod ! That's naughty.

577
00:36:52,877 --> 00:36:54,920
Bules Martin, Captain and Doctor.

578
00:36:56,422 --> 00:36:57,964
Oh, just a moment!

579
00:37:01,761 --> 00:37:05,472
Hello, darling.
What are you doing this evening?

580
00:37:06,682 --> 00:37:08,475
(CHUCKLlNG) Oh, are you?

581
00:37:09,685 --> 00:37:11,728
Well, let me have a photograph of it,
won't you?

582
00:37:13,272 --> 00:37:15,023
Oh, give him my regards.

583
00:37:15,483 --> 00:37:17,776
Yes. Bye-bye, Gregory.

584
00:37:18,277 --> 00:37:21,446
Ah, Gregory, have you seen my Nigel?

585
00:37:24,116 --> 00:37:25,367
(SlGHS)

586
00:37:26,285 --> 00:37:30,580
Oh, it's getting late. Time for my humiliation.

587
00:37:30,665 --> 00:37:32,916
Now, what have l done
with my defeat of England medal?

588
00:37:33,000 --> 00:37:35,210
(CLEARlNG THROAT)

589
00:37:35,294 --> 00:37:38,713
Your Majesty, l'm sorry that l failed you.

590
00:37:38,798 --> 00:37:41,549
l tried to catch the thing
before it hit the Palace,

591
00:37:41,634 --> 00:37:43,385
but one of your corgis bit me.

592
00:37:47,932 --> 00:37:49,432
Come on, Sergeant, put your back into it.

593
00:37:49,517 --> 00:37:50,767
l've got my back into it, sir.

594
00:37:50,893 --> 00:37:52,560
Put your front into it, then!

595
00:37:52,645 --> 00:37:53,895
Put your front into it, Constable.

596
00:37:53,980 --> 00:37:56,356
Come on now, sir, keep moving.

597
00:37:56,440 --> 00:37:59,401
Hurry up! Don't stand there and watch us.

598
00:37:59,485 --> 00:38:03,697
We'II be moving, aII right. Come on, Iady.
She who hesitates is Iost.

599
00:38:06,409 --> 00:38:07,575
(GRUNTS)

600
00:38:19,046 --> 00:38:21,089
My first wife died, you know.

601
00:38:21,173 --> 00:38:23,216
l'm sorry to hear that.

602
00:38:23,301 --> 00:38:25,176
l got my certificate the other day.

603
00:38:27,388 --> 00:38:29,889
You don't want an old woman like me.

604
00:38:41,610 --> 00:38:43,361
You remind me of my first wife.

605
00:38:43,446 --> 00:38:45,947
That's funny. You see,
l never met her, you see.

606
00:38:46,907 --> 00:38:50,118
Will you do for me what my first wife did?

607
00:38:50,202 --> 00:38:53,121
Doris tries, but she can't coordinate, you see.

608
00:38:54,332 --> 00:38:55,790
Will you do it for me?

609
00:38:55,875 --> 00:39:01,504
Well, so long as we get it over quickly,
before Daddy misses me.

610
00:39:09,638 --> 00:39:11,306
Now, no, no, no!

611
00:39:11,390 --> 00:39:14,017
See reason, Mildred !
Mildred, you're worse than your mother!

612
00:39:14,060 --> 00:39:17,228
l didn't, Mildred, l haven't!
She's a common or garden secretary!

613
00:39:17,355 --> 00:39:19,397
Mildred, please! l love you !

614
00:39:19,482 --> 00:39:21,566
She means nothing to me at all ! Mildred !

615
00:39:21,692 --> 00:39:24,194
l was kept late at the office.
Mildred, l love you !

616
00:39:24,236 --> 00:39:26,321
Mildred, please, no! The people next door!

617
00:39:26,405 --> 00:39:28,531
Mildred, please! Mildred, no! Mildred !

618
00:39:28,574 --> 00:39:30,533
Mildred ! Mildred, Mildred !

619
00:39:30,659 --> 00:39:31,868
(PANTlNG) Oh ! Oh !

620
00:39:35,206 --> 00:39:38,583
Get out, you slut! Get out and leave me alone!

621
00:39:41,337 --> 00:39:43,588
That was my best dinner service.

622
00:39:50,346 --> 00:39:52,889
Hello! Hello!

623
00:39:55,351 --> 00:39:57,102
Doctor!

624
00:39:57,186 --> 00:39:58,561
Hello!

625
00:40:15,746 --> 00:40:17,122
Call the roll, Alan.

626
00:40:17,206 --> 00:40:18,581
(COUGHlNG)

627
00:40:19,583 --> 00:40:21,292
-Father figure!
-Present.

628
00:40:21,419 --> 00:40:23,962
-Penelope, the well-known fiancée!
-Here.

629
00:40:24,130 --> 00:40:25,755
Alan ! Here!

630
00:40:25,798 --> 00:40:27,424
Mother!

631
00:40:27,967 --> 00:40:29,467
Mummy?

632
00:40:29,593 --> 00:40:31,636
We're all here except one, Mother.

633
00:40:31,762 --> 00:40:33,805
That's all we ever had, one Mother.

634
00:40:33,889 --> 00:40:35,056
Mummy!

635
00:40:35,141 --> 00:40:36,391
All right.

636
00:40:37,476 --> 00:40:39,602
Now, when l say wave, l want you all to wave.

637
00:40:39,979 --> 00:40:41,146
Wave!

638
00:40:41,272 --> 00:40:42,981
-Hello.
-Hello, young Alan.

639
00:40:44,066 --> 00:40:46,067
-Hello, Penelope.
-Hello.

640
00:40:47,903 --> 00:40:49,112
Mummy!

641
00:40:49,155 --> 00:40:51,072
All right. That's enough.

642
00:40:51,157 --> 00:40:52,574
Mummy!

643
00:40:52,992 --> 00:40:54,576
l demand an explanation.

644
00:40:56,454 --> 00:40:59,122
Oh ! Much worse than l thought.

645
00:40:59,582 --> 00:41:01,458
Oh ! Mother!

646
00:41:02,793 --> 00:41:05,295
Don't worry, Mother, we'll look after you.

647
00:41:17,766 --> 00:41:19,767
(GASPlNG)

648
00:41:21,020 --> 00:41:22,479
(ENGlNE HUMMlNG)

649
00:41:29,612 --> 00:41:32,989
One more stop, madam,
and l shall be forced to endorse your licence.

650
00:41:33,699 --> 00:41:36,826
You wouldn't want us to
use our special powers, would you, madam?

651
00:41:37,286 --> 00:41:40,872
l can't move. My legs are stiff.

652
00:41:41,499 --> 00:41:43,291
(SOBBlNG)

653
00:41:51,550 --> 00:41:52,884
(PHONE RlNGlNG)

654
00:42:11,028 --> 00:42:12,570
-Hello?
-It is I.

655
00:42:13,239 --> 00:42:15,073
-Who?
-Lord Fortnum. l've changed.

656
00:42:15,157 --> 00:42:17,242
Lord Fortnum ! And you've changed?

657
00:42:17,368 --> 00:42:18,493
Yes, l have.

658
00:42:18,577 --> 00:42:21,579
Well, keep moving, and where are you?

659
00:42:22,039 --> 00:42:23,998
l'm number 29 Cul de Sac Place.

660
00:42:24,083 --> 00:42:27,043
Hurry, for God's sake,
and bring me some furniture, l'm freezing.

661
00:42:27,086 --> 00:42:29,420
l shall come at once.
Try not to look conspicuous,

662
00:42:29,547 --> 00:42:31,256
or you'll be knocked down without the option.

663
00:42:31,382 --> 00:42:32,882
(HANGS UP)

664
00:42:38,430 --> 00:42:41,432
MOTHER: Oh ! Oh, you black fiend !

665
00:42:41,559 --> 00:42:44,561
Get your hand out of my drawers!
l'm a mother!

666
00:42:44,853 --> 00:42:52,235
Mummy!

667
00:42:52,736 --> 00:42:57,782
Penny!

668
00:42:58,617 --> 00:43:00,577
(TARZAN-LlKE YODELLlNG)

669
00:43:14,550 --> 00:43:16,092
LORD FORTNUM: l'm over here.

670
00:43:16,385 --> 00:43:20,138
So you are.
l'd recognise you anywhere, My Lord.

671
00:43:20,723 --> 00:43:22,640
l must say it suits you.

672
00:43:30,107 --> 00:43:32,233
LORD FORTNUM:
Please don't do that, l'm not well.

673
00:43:33,235 --> 00:43:35,945
lt's me. Captain Bules Martin.

674
00:43:37,114 --> 00:43:38,906
And l'm your doctor.

675
00:43:41,327 --> 00:43:43,786
Come in, Doctor.
Did you bring some furniture?

676
00:43:47,666 --> 00:43:49,167
l say!

677
00:43:51,962 --> 00:43:53,171
ls this you?

678
00:43:53,297 --> 00:43:56,132
Yes, tell me the worst. Where am l?

679
00:43:56,175 --> 00:43:59,802
Yeah, you're number 29 Cul de Sac Place.

680
00:43:59,845 --> 00:44:02,347
Yes, l know that, but what borough?

681
00:44:02,473 --> 00:44:03,848
Ah, that's pretty bad news, l'm afraid.

682
00:44:03,974 --> 00:44:05,642
-lt's Paddington.
-Quick, put a card.

683
00:44:05,684 --> 00:44:06,809
Put a card in the window.

684
00:44:06,852 --> 00:44:09,854
No coloureds, no children
and definitely no coloured children.

685
00:44:09,980 --> 00:44:11,022
MARTlN: Don't worry.

686
00:44:11,148 --> 00:44:12,190
Doctor Bules Martin looks like
he's come to stay.

687
00:44:12,316 --> 00:44:14,525
You're still under your doctor.

688
00:44:14,568 --> 00:44:17,654
lf everyone thought like you,
this world would be a much happier place.

689
00:44:23,369 --> 00:44:24,661
Breathe in.

690
00:44:24,703 --> 00:44:27,038
(LORD FORTNUM lNHALlNG) ln. . .

691
00:44:30,334 --> 00:44:33,044
-Out.
-(EXHALlNG) Out!

692
00:44:33,837 --> 00:44:35,254
Yes.

693
00:44:37,883 --> 00:44:39,050
How's your water?

694
00:44:39,176 --> 00:44:40,760
lt hasn't run properly for years.

695
00:44:40,886 --> 00:44:42,845
Oh well, we'll soon fix that.
Have you got a washer somewhere?

696
00:44:45,391 --> 00:44:48,393
One, two, three, 1 2. . .

697
00:44:52,106 --> 00:44:54,524
-Cough.
-(COUGHlNG)

698
00:44:58,737 --> 00:45:01,447
-You married?
-No, not at the moment.

699
00:45:02,366 --> 00:45:05,243
Well, l'd advise against it. Against it.

700
00:45:05,619 --> 00:45:08,079
(TRUMPET BLOWlNG)

701
00:45:08,747 --> 00:45:10,248
Listen.

702
00:45:11,083 --> 00:45:12,583
Harken.

703
00:45:19,425 --> 00:45:23,261
Survivors of the Third Gurkhas, quick march !

704
00:45:23,554 --> 00:45:25,263
(CHANTlNG)

705
00:45:29,601 --> 00:45:31,769
lt's the Burma reunion.

706
00:45:32,980 --> 00:45:34,647
And hot dinner.

707
00:45:35,566 --> 00:45:37,608
The Cavalry cometh !

708
00:45:41,113 --> 00:45:42,655
l must find the Albert Hall.

709
00:45:44,616 --> 00:45:46,242
l shall be out till dawn.

710
00:45:46,744 --> 00:45:49,245
No, don't wait up. And don't take any rent.

711
00:45:50,998 --> 00:45:53,624
That's got rid of him.
Come on, Abdul, let's get the furniture in.

712
00:45:53,667 --> 00:45:54,751
(LAUGHlNG)

713
00:46:05,137 --> 00:46:06,429
(SlGHlNG WlTH PLEASURE)

714
00:46:07,806 --> 00:46:09,766
(MOANlNG)

715
00:46:12,811 --> 00:46:14,312
Mummy!

716
00:46:20,986 --> 00:46:22,653
Thank you, my dear.

717
00:46:22,696 --> 00:46:27,158
As you chaps know,
electricity is the life blood of civilisation.

718
00:46:27,868 --> 00:46:31,829
Without electricity,
civilisation as we know it could not survive.

719
00:46:32,498 --> 00:46:37,126
So l intend, with God's help,
to go on pedalling this bicycle

720
00:46:37,169 --> 00:46:40,296
until we've hit this desolation for six

721
00:46:40,339 --> 00:46:44,342
and won God's
just victory over the forces of evil.

722
00:46:45,135 --> 00:46:46,219
(DEVlCE VlBRATlNG)

723
00:46:48,639 --> 00:46:50,014
Hmm? Hmm?

724
00:46:52,184 --> 00:46:53,851
(MOANlNG WlTH PLEASURE)

725
00:46:55,854 --> 00:47:03,236
Mummy!

726
00:47:04,071 --> 00:47:05,822
l'll look up here.

727
00:47:08,534 --> 00:47:10,034
No. . .

728
00:47:16,333 --> 00:47:17,875
(MAKlNG WHlRRlNG SOUND)

729
00:47:23,549 --> 00:47:24,715
(CHUCKLlNG)

730
00:47:26,218 --> 00:47:29,053
ALAN: Oi, you watching?

731
00:47:29,096 --> 00:47:30,721
PENELOPE: Oh, please come down !

732
00:47:30,848 --> 00:47:32,056
Okay, coming.

733
00:47:32,182 --> 00:47:33,391
PENELOPE: Oh !

734
00:47:37,062 --> 00:47:38,729
(YELPlNG)

735
00:47:39,231 --> 00:47:41,607
(EXCLAlMlNG)

736
00:47:41,733 --> 00:47:43,901
l like it! l like it!

737
00:47:43,944 --> 00:47:46,779
More! More! Oh !

738
00:47:49,241 --> 00:47:51,033
What are you doing with that? lt's not raining.

739
00:47:52,244 --> 00:47:53,411
Come on.

740
00:47:54,872 --> 00:47:56,038
(SlGHS)

741
00:47:56,081 --> 00:47:57,415
(DEVlCE STOPS)

742
00:47:59,585 --> 00:48:00,793
Oh.

743
00:48:01,295 --> 00:48:05,631
# Roll me over in the clover

744
00:48:05,966 --> 00:48:07,592
(HUMMlNG)

745
00:48:07,634 --> 00:48:09,260
# Do it again #

746
00:48:10,929 --> 00:48:13,931
DlSTANT CHORUS: # Roll me over. . . #

747
00:48:13,974 --> 00:48:15,766
(EXCLAlMS HAPPlLY)

748
00:48:15,893 --> 00:48:19,228
# On the road to Mandalay #

749
00:48:21,440 --> 00:48:22,815
(PANTlNG)

750
00:48:25,611 --> 00:48:27,445
(MOTHER CHUCKLlNG)

751
00:48:27,487 --> 00:48:29,989
LORD FORTNUM: Who's there?
MOTHER: Oh, for pity's sake!

752
00:48:30,115 --> 00:48:31,908
LORD FORTNUM: No coloureds, damn you !

753
00:48:31,950 --> 00:48:35,119
MOTHER: Have you
not yet finished with my poor bruised body?

754
00:48:35,245 --> 00:48:36,829
LORD FORTNUM: Are you
that black man's woman?

755
00:48:36,955 --> 00:48:39,123
MOTHER: That's hardly likely,
in my condition.

756
00:48:39,207 --> 00:48:40,625
LORD FORTNUM: And what is
your condition?

757
00:48:40,709 --> 00:48:43,961
MOTHER: l'm a cupboard.
Will nobody close my doors?

758
00:48:44,463 --> 00:48:48,132
l'm Lord Fortnum of Alamein. Who are you?

759
00:48:49,051 --> 00:48:50,843
l'm Mrs Frereton.

760
00:48:51,303 --> 00:48:53,804
Well, madam,
in view of the ghastly circumstances

761
00:48:53,889 --> 00:48:55,306
in which we both find ourselves,

762
00:48:55,349 --> 00:48:58,976
l suggest we speak
only when spoken to and hold our tongues.

763
00:48:59,061 --> 00:49:00,728
MOTHER: Very well, if you think so.

764
00:49:02,731 --> 00:49:07,860
Mummy!

765
00:49:09,488 --> 00:49:12,490
Mummy! Mummy!

766
00:49:14,326 --> 00:49:15,993
PENELOPE: Mummy!

767
00:49:24,878 --> 00:49:29,173
Oh, let's sleep here for a bit.
We can look again when it's light, love.

768
00:49:54,700 --> 00:49:56,200
l will say this for him,

769
00:49:57,577 --> 00:49:59,245
l can't really say anything for him,

770
00:50:00,038 --> 00:50:02,707
except he is like a sheet of white paper.

771
00:50:04,376 --> 00:50:07,253
l haven't seen a sheet of white paper for years
l could draw a face on.

772
00:50:09,548 --> 00:50:11,382
His poor suit!

773
00:50:11,425 --> 00:50:13,884
Crumple-fashion little stitches on the edges.

774
00:50:15,387 --> 00:50:17,096
And l'll say this for him,

775
00:50:17,222 --> 00:50:19,473
trendy boy.

776
00:50:19,558 --> 00:50:21,225
You can say his lapels are crumpled

777
00:50:21,268 --> 00:50:23,894
and he has got a nose
where noses used to be.

778
00:50:25,397 --> 00:50:27,106
And l'll say this for him.

779
00:50:27,899 --> 00:50:29,775
He's always here.

780
00:50:30,110 --> 00:50:31,944
Wherever his feet are, he is.

781
00:50:33,488 --> 00:50:36,741
Toes are bent upwards, but he's straight,

782
00:50:38,285 --> 00:50:39,577
flat.

783
00:50:41,288 --> 00:50:43,080
Stupid as the sun.

784
00:50:45,083 --> 00:50:46,751
l will say this for him.

785
00:50:48,086 --> 00:50:49,920
And he has got twirly hair.

786
00:50:51,089 --> 00:50:54,425
But you do get the whole of him,

787
00:50:55,510 --> 00:50:58,345
now, to stroke.

788
00:51:01,600 --> 00:51:03,100
There's nobody else.

789
00:51:17,324 --> 00:51:28,125
# Roll me over in the clover

790
00:51:28,168 --> 00:51:32,963
# Roll me over,
lay me down and do it again

791
00:51:34,883 --> 00:51:36,300
# When she's. . . #

792
00:51:36,343 --> 00:51:37,510
(SlNGlNG lNDlSTlNCTLY)

793
00:51:59,324 --> 00:52:02,660
-All right, Sergeant, let's just check your ruler.
-That's, uh. . .

794
00:52:02,786 --> 00:52:04,495
-. . .22 inches, sir.
-Carry on.

795
00:52:04,538 --> 00:52:05,830
Thank you.

796
00:52:06,498 --> 00:52:09,333
Head, 22 inches.

797
00:52:09,376 --> 00:52:11,168
Ah, taking my measurements!

798
00:52:13,547 --> 00:52:14,713
Chest, 22 inches.

799
00:52:14,840 --> 00:52:18,175
That's right. That's the hammer.
Get it all down, eh !

800
00:52:18,301 --> 00:52:19,468
lnside leg,

801
00:52:21,888 --> 00:52:23,848
-22 inches, sir.
-You're right.

802
00:52:23,974 --> 00:52:26,183
Right, sir. We'll let you know.

803
00:52:26,226 --> 00:52:28,144
Thank you very much, thank you.

804
00:52:28,854 --> 00:52:30,146
Ah ! There are my children !

805
00:52:30,647 --> 00:52:31,689
Hello, Daddy!

806
00:52:32,190 --> 00:52:35,901
You won't want their measurements,
of course, they're a bit young.

807
00:52:36,027 --> 00:52:38,863
My word ! What a hairy trunk!

808
00:52:39,990 --> 00:52:41,031
(CHUCKLlNG)

809
00:52:41,867 --> 00:52:43,075
Keep moving.

810
00:52:45,745 --> 00:52:47,371
You going to let me know, then?

811
00:52:47,497 --> 00:52:50,040
Uh, who are you?

812
00:52:50,667 --> 00:52:51,750
They are.

813
00:52:51,877 --> 00:52:54,086
l must say, they seemed rather impressed
with my inside leg.

814
00:52:54,671 --> 00:52:56,547
Excuse me, sir, but it was a 22, wasn't it?

815
00:52:56,590 --> 00:52:58,424
-Yes, l believe it was.
-l say!

816
00:52:58,550 --> 00:53:00,718
Not many of them left, you know.

817
00:53:00,844 --> 00:53:02,261
Like to shake you by the hand.

818
00:53:02,387 --> 00:53:04,930
Yeah, l would, but not until l've referred it

819
00:53:05,056 --> 00:53:06,682
-to the Ministry of Health.
-Quite, quite.

820
00:53:06,725 --> 00:53:08,350
Can't be too careful.

821
00:53:08,393 --> 00:53:09,518
You in business, then?

822
00:53:09,561 --> 00:53:11,020
-Hmm?
-Looking for a partner?

823
00:53:11,062 --> 00:53:12,229
No, l am a partner.

824
00:53:12,355 --> 00:53:14,857
Of course. Who is your partner?

825
00:53:14,900 --> 00:53:17,109
l don't need one,
l'm just Partner and Company.

826
00:53:17,235 --> 00:53:20,404
l say, uh, is that your daughter?

827
00:53:20,530 --> 00:53:22,907
l say, it is. Chubby little thing.

828
00:53:23,366 --> 00:53:25,075
-Well-built young girl.
-Thank you.

829
00:53:25,702 --> 00:53:28,871
Been going on for some time?

830
00:53:29,206 --> 00:53:31,874
-Eighteen months.
-Eight. . . lndeed, indeed !

831
00:53:32,584 --> 00:53:34,710
(CLEARlNG THROAT) Well,
l'd like your permission to

832
00:53:35,253 --> 00:53:36,879
call upon your daughter.

833
00:53:37,881 --> 00:53:40,090
Often. Starting now.

834
00:54:20,298 --> 00:54:21,423
No.

835
00:54:21,466 --> 00:54:24,426
l'd like a bit more off here, for courting.

836
00:54:34,312 --> 00:54:36,647
Ah ! Ah, yes, that's much better.

837
00:54:36,690 --> 00:54:40,693
l'm not one of your hippie types, you know.
Such as that never won fair lady.

838
00:54:40,819 --> 00:54:43,112
-Anything else, sir?
-Mmm?

839
00:54:59,379 --> 00:55:00,546
(BALLOON POPS)

840
00:55:05,635 --> 00:55:07,386
But Daddy, l love Alan.

841
00:55:08,013 --> 00:55:10,848
(CHUCKLlNG) Love?
Love is a four-letter word.

842
00:55:10,890 --> 00:55:12,349
Come to that, so is bull.

843
00:55:13,018 --> 00:55:14,810
Cat is a three-letter word.

844
00:55:14,853 --> 00:55:16,061
(CHUCKLlNG) Right.

845
00:55:17,355 --> 00:55:19,023
You're going to make a famous son-in-law.

846
00:55:19,524 --> 00:55:20,983
Been my ambition for years.

847
00:55:22,193 --> 00:55:23,527
(CLEARlNG THROAT) Uh. . .

848
00:55:31,411 --> 00:55:33,370
Now, look here, Mr Frereton !

849
00:55:33,413 --> 00:55:36,040
You can't arrange
this thing over our heads, you know.

850
00:55:36,082 --> 00:55:37,166
Can't l?

851
00:55:37,208 --> 00:55:39,918
Captain Bules Martin is a man of subsidence
and property, if not more.

852
00:55:40,253 --> 00:55:41,587
Moreover, he's a partner.

853
00:55:42,422 --> 00:55:45,215
A very fitting
son-in-law for a future Prime Minister.

854
00:55:46,051 --> 00:55:47,384
Who is?

855
00:55:47,427 --> 00:55:48,594
l am.

856
00:55:48,720 --> 00:55:52,056
You don't imagine they gathered my
measurements for nothing, do you?

857
00:55:52,098 --> 00:55:55,392
Show me a 22 inside leg
and l'll show you a future Prime Minister.

858
00:55:55,518 --> 00:55:57,227
lt's a well-known fact.

859
00:55:57,354 --> 00:55:59,605
l expect Mrs Ethel Shroake

860
00:56:00,690 --> 00:56:02,441
to consider my credentials any day now.

861
00:56:03,109 --> 00:56:06,070
That trunk of yours, get rid of it.

862
00:56:07,572 --> 00:56:09,406
This is not my trunk.

863
00:56:10,241 --> 00:56:13,285
He tied his thumbs up with string and exposed
himself for a limited period

864
00:56:13,411 --> 00:56:15,454
between Bagshot and Camberley.

865
00:56:15,580 --> 00:56:17,081
Was that you, sir?

866
00:56:18,124 --> 00:56:19,958
A post-war gesture, l suppose.

867
00:56:20,752 --> 00:56:22,294
l hope you destroyed the string.

868
00:57:25,150 --> 00:57:28,152
Get out of it! Shoo! Get out!

869
00:57:30,321 --> 00:57:31,822
Clear out!

870
00:57:33,158 --> 00:57:34,366
Naughty. . . !

871
00:57:58,850 --> 00:57:59,892
(GRUNTS)

872
00:58:01,895 --> 00:58:03,562
l love St Paul's, you know.

873
00:58:04,314 --> 00:58:06,565
Dearly love us to be married here.

874
00:58:07,484 --> 00:58:09,026
Ah ! Vicar!

875
00:58:10,528 --> 00:58:12,988
May be requiring your services soon.

876
00:58:14,032 --> 00:58:15,365
My fiancée and l.

877
00:58:15,492 --> 00:58:16,825
(CHUCKLES)

878
00:58:16,868 --> 00:58:18,535
(CHUCKLlNG) l'm not surprised.

879
00:58:19,078 --> 00:58:23,707
l wouldn't leave it too long, if l were you.
Chubby little thing, isn't she?

880
00:58:27,545 --> 00:58:29,838
My patient, you know.

881
00:58:31,007 --> 00:58:32,216
Well, if you'll excuse me,

882
00:58:32,342 --> 00:58:36,178
l'll just go in for a minute
and get spruced up a bit.

883
00:58:43,353 --> 00:58:44,686
l can't go through with it.

884
00:58:45,355 --> 00:58:46,396
What?

885
00:58:46,523 --> 00:58:49,107
Having this monster.

886
00:58:53,112 --> 00:58:55,239
Well, no one else can have it, can they?

887
00:59:23,101 --> 00:59:24,935
-Then it must be?
-lt must be.

888
00:59:26,771 --> 00:59:29,106
Well, l'll just slip into an old wedding dress.

889
00:59:29,148 --> 00:59:30,941
No, no, wait a minute, darling.

890
00:59:32,944 --> 00:59:34,611
Go behind the screen.

891
00:59:34,988 --> 00:59:37,281
Oh, really, darling,
you've watched a lady undress

892
00:59:37,323 --> 00:59:38,657
before today, haven't you?

893
00:59:38,783 --> 00:59:40,450
(CHUCKLlNG) Of course, darling.

894
00:59:40,618 --> 00:59:43,120
l'll go behind the screen with you.

895
00:59:47,959 --> 00:59:49,960
l wish Mother could have been alive to see it.

896
00:59:50,086 --> 00:59:51,295
(SNlFFLlNG)

897
00:59:52,463 --> 00:59:54,006
Uh, just a thought.

898
00:59:54,966 --> 00:59:59,469
Have you considered the new economical
combined marriage and divorce ceremony?

899
00:59:59,512 --> 01:00:02,306
Three pounds one shilling. Catholics extra.

900
01:00:02,682 --> 01:00:05,309
No, no, we couldn't afford
the divorce just now.

901
01:00:05,435 --> 01:00:07,311
She'll have to be satisfied with the wedding.

902
01:00:07,353 --> 01:00:10,147
Later on, of course, when l'm earning,
then we can get the annulment.

903
01:00:10,273 --> 01:00:12,482
Uh, this is the instant God kit, sir.

904
01:00:13,443 --> 01:00:14,484
Good luck.

905
01:00:16,529 --> 01:00:18,113
(ALL EXCLAlMlNG)

906
01:00:26,122 --> 01:00:28,332
Alley-up there.

907
01:00:28,833 --> 01:00:30,334
Would you join hands, please?

908
01:00:31,502 --> 01:00:33,545
Good, good.

909
01:00:33,671 --> 01:00:35,005
And now for a good book.

910
01:00:38,009 --> 01:00:41,219
# Oh, and the naughty gamekeeper

911
01:00:41,346 --> 01:00:43,513
# Took her into the potting shed

912
01:00:43,556 --> 01:00:45,849
# And laid her upon the ground

913
01:00:45,892 --> 01:00:47,726
# And with hands quivering, he ripped. . . #

914
01:00:47,852 --> 01:00:49,519
l say, look here, that's not the Bible.

915
01:00:49,562 --> 01:00:51,063
l know, it's Lady Chatterley's Lover.

916
01:00:51,189 --> 01:00:54,816
But if you prefer the old twit version,
l think l can still recall it.

917
01:00:56,736 --> 01:01:00,530
# Do you, Bules Martin,
take this girl to be your lawful wedded wife?

918
01:01:00,573 --> 01:01:02,240
# l was expecting you to ask me that question

919
01:01:02,367 --> 01:01:03,992
# As it so happens, l do

920
01:01:04,744 --> 01:01:08,705
# And do you, Penelope, take this lawful
wedded man to be your husband?

921
01:01:08,831 --> 01:01:09,873
l do.

922
01:01:09,916 --> 01:01:13,001
# And do you promise,
Penelope Rose Frereton

923
01:01:13,044 --> 01:01:15,754
# To cherish your husband
in sickness and in health

924
01:01:15,880 --> 01:01:18,715
# ln trial and in ordeal and in all that holy. . . #

925
01:01:18,758 --> 01:01:20,008
(SQUEALlNG) l do!

926
01:01:20,051 --> 01:01:21,593
l say, look here,
there's still some decency left.

927
01:01:21,719 --> 01:01:22,761
Come on, darling, let's get out of here.

928
01:01:22,887 --> 01:01:23,887
Stop!

929
01:01:24,430 --> 01:01:26,223
Haven't finished, have we?

930
01:01:26,891 --> 01:01:30,686
l now pronounce you man and wife.

931
01:01:32,105 --> 01:01:34,523
On your mark, get set. . .

932
01:01:35,942 --> 01:01:37,234
(FlRES)

933
01:01:43,616 --> 01:01:46,785
Get out of my bedroom, you Peeping Tom.

934
01:01:48,246 --> 01:01:50,539
Ah ! This ought to do the trick.

935
01:01:50,581 --> 01:01:52,541
You've got two hours, mate.

936
01:01:52,583 --> 01:01:54,418
-l won't need this, then, will l?
-No!

937
01:01:56,254 --> 01:01:58,880
My God ! When was my last virility test?

938
01:02:01,884 --> 01:02:03,260
(CLEARlNG THROAT)

939
01:02:04,053 --> 01:02:05,303
Congratulations, Mrs Martin.

940
01:02:05,430 --> 01:02:07,431
l thought you'd never get here.

941
01:02:07,932 --> 01:02:09,266
(CHUCKLlNG)

942
01:02:11,936 --> 01:02:13,937
-Excuse me, sir. BBC Television.
-Yes?

943
01:02:16,315 --> 01:02:18,608
When did you first decide
to become a politician?

944
01:02:18,651 --> 01:02:20,944
(SQUAWKS SOFTLY, WHlSTLES)

945
01:02:21,738 --> 01:02:23,071
Did you get that?

946
01:02:23,114 --> 01:02:25,240
l'm afraid l didn't, sir.
Would you like to try again?

947
01:02:25,283 --> 01:02:27,451
lt began when l measured
my inside leg one day,

948
01:02:27,577 --> 01:02:29,077
-as we all do.
-Mmm.

949
01:02:29,120 --> 01:02:31,455
And l found that l was very well-equipped.

950
01:02:36,002 --> 01:02:37,461
(PENELOPE GlGGLlNG)

951
01:02:49,307 --> 01:02:51,183
Good heavens! Penelope?

952
01:02:52,685 --> 01:02:54,019
Hello, Daddy.

953
01:02:54,145 --> 01:02:56,313
But you're promised
to Captain Bules Martin, you slut.

954
01:02:56,439 --> 01:02:57,981
Come down at once.

955
01:02:58,107 --> 01:02:59,691
l married him this morning, Daddy.

956
01:02:59,817 --> 01:03:01,193
So you did.

957
01:03:01,319 --> 01:03:02,652
That's all right, then.

958
01:03:02,695 --> 01:03:03,862
Carry on.

959
01:03:10,953 --> 01:03:12,454
Wife sent you along, did she?

960
01:03:12,872 --> 01:03:15,123
Well, it did occur
to me that l might review the circumstances.

961
01:03:15,166 --> 01:03:16,958
Huh. You'll love it.

962
01:03:17,001 --> 01:03:19,711
Yeah, l can't keep away.

963
01:03:20,379 --> 01:03:21,797
You'll learn to love your virility test.

964
01:03:22,215 --> 01:03:23,715
l've always had a very good wind.

965
01:03:23,841 --> 01:03:25,175
Mmm, oh dear.

966
01:03:26,219 --> 01:03:28,637
-Who's wrong?
-Well, my wife. . .

967
01:03:28,721 --> 01:03:31,139
(CHUCKLlNG) She. . . Well. . .

968
01:03:34,185 --> 01:03:35,227
Oh !

969
01:03:35,353 --> 01:03:38,563
Best thing, uh, best thing to do is
talk dirty among yourselves.

970
01:03:38,689 --> 01:03:42,526
Well, if you can't come to that,
flick through the dirty books.

971
01:03:49,492 --> 01:03:50,659
(SNlCKERlNG SOFTLY)

972
01:03:56,582 --> 01:03:57,666
(EXCLAlMS)

973
01:03:58,334 --> 01:03:59,376
ls it?

974
01:03:59,585 --> 01:04:01,211
-ls it?
-Due?

975
01:04:01,712 --> 01:04:03,338
-Due?
-l knew it.

976
01:04:03,381 --> 01:04:05,549
-Ooh !
-Should have kept my socks on.

977
01:04:07,218 --> 01:04:08,343
(EXCLAlMlNG)

978
01:04:08,386 --> 01:04:10,053
Look, never mind, my love.

979
01:04:10,388 --> 01:04:12,722
l'll nip downstairs and get some boiling water.

980
01:04:13,558 --> 01:04:15,559
Come. Come on down.

981
01:04:15,601 --> 01:04:16,685
(SQUEAKlNG)

982
01:04:16,727 --> 01:04:17,894
Come on, we'll just nip down.

983
01:04:22,108 --> 01:04:23,692
-Oh.
-Oh.

984
01:04:24,443 --> 01:04:26,862
(BOTH GRUNTlNG)

985
01:04:27,822 --> 01:04:29,197
(WHlSTLlNG)

986
01:04:30,074 --> 01:04:31,741
Pretty Poll. Pretty Poll !

987
01:04:47,425 --> 01:04:50,510
Ah, did you pass your virility test, son?

988
01:04:50,595 --> 01:04:52,846
l don't know. Hard to tell.

989
01:04:53,264 --> 01:04:55,265
You see, lights fused at the critical moment.

990
01:04:55,850 --> 01:04:58,184
Where's my bride? She should be able to tell.

991
01:04:58,269 --> 01:05:01,229
Sit down, son. Your bride is in labour.

992
01:05:01,939 --> 01:05:03,523
Oh, God !

993
01:05:05,359 --> 01:05:07,777
Daddy, l need a drink.

994
01:05:09,030 --> 01:05:10,196
(CLlCKlNG TONGUE)

995
01:05:12,867 --> 01:05:13,950
What'll you have, old boy?

996
01:05:14,035 --> 01:05:16,912
l'll have a large, uh, water.

997
01:05:16,954 --> 01:05:18,204
With water?

998
01:05:18,289 --> 01:05:20,624
No, nothing with it.

999
01:05:20,750 --> 01:05:22,125
-Here you are.
-Good. Thanks.

1000
01:05:22,209 --> 01:05:23,543
A pleasure.

1001
01:05:23,628 --> 01:05:27,923
Well, l think l'll
wander along to the saloon car, bar.

1002
01:05:27,965 --> 01:05:30,300
Well, here we are again.

1003
01:05:30,426 --> 01:05:33,428
Another one for you? Pleasure, old friend.

1004
01:05:34,555 --> 01:05:36,306
Oh, l knew.

1005
01:05:36,432 --> 01:05:40,310
As soon as l
grasped the test-tube firmly in my right hand.

1006
01:05:40,394 --> 01:05:42,729
None of your cheek and impotence.

1007
01:05:42,813 --> 01:05:43,813
Cheek?

1008
01:05:43,940 --> 01:05:45,607
(BOTH LAUGHlNG)

1009
01:05:47,610 --> 01:05:49,653
-You'll like it, l think.
-Thank you.

1010
01:05:49,779 --> 01:05:51,321
Jolly good health.

1011
01:05:51,447 --> 01:05:52,781
(SlNGlNG)

1012
01:05:52,949 --> 01:05:54,115
Oh.

1013
01:06:07,797 --> 01:06:09,506
Evening.

1014
01:06:10,591 --> 01:06:11,925
We're looking for a man.

1015
01:06:12,009 --> 01:06:13,802
Are you indeed, lnspector?

1016
01:06:13,844 --> 01:06:16,513
There aren't many of us left, you know.

1017
01:06:16,597 --> 01:06:18,098
(ALL LAUGHlNG)

1018
01:06:19,642 --> 01:06:21,518
We're also looking for a bed sitting room.

1019
01:06:21,602 --> 01:06:23,353
Aren't we all?

1020
01:06:23,479 --> 01:06:24,771
True. True.

1021
01:06:25,856 --> 01:06:29,150
We're on the trail of a foul and grisly murder.

1022
01:06:29,193 --> 01:06:32,445
l say, isn't that the first, uh, post-war murder?

1023
01:06:32,530 --> 01:06:34,489
Things are looking up for you
in popular fiction.

1024
01:06:34,532 --> 01:06:36,658
Yes, we've had a pretty thin time of it recently.

1025
01:06:36,701 --> 01:06:37,784
Yes.

1026
01:06:37,868 --> 01:06:39,035
What with 40 million dead,

1027
01:06:39,161 --> 01:06:40,620
we haven't been
able to see the wood for the trees.

1028
01:06:40,705 --> 01:06:42,622
Yes, quite.

1029
01:06:42,707 --> 01:06:45,458
But this is murder, not glory.

1030
01:06:46,210 --> 01:06:47,460
How do you do?

1031
01:06:47,545 --> 01:06:49,004
(SQUAWKS)

1032
01:06:51,215 --> 01:06:55,802
We are also looking for a trunk,
if the lnspector doesn't mind me saying so.

1033
01:06:55,886 --> 01:07:00,390
And when we find it,
we shall know why we're looking for it.

1034
01:07:03,978 --> 01:07:05,311
(WHlSTLES)

1035
01:07:06,897 --> 01:07:08,690
ALAN: Penelope!

1036
01:07:10,067 --> 01:07:20,744
Penelope!

1037
01:07:20,828 --> 01:07:22,245
Penelope. . .

1038
01:07:22,997 --> 01:07:25,206
Relax, dearie. She's doing very well.

1039
01:07:25,249 --> 01:07:28,501
Would you like to see the birth?
We've still got a few tickets left.

1040
01:07:28,586 --> 01:07:31,004
Let me go! She needs me!

1041
01:07:31,088 --> 01:07:32,172
No.

1042
01:07:32,256 --> 01:07:35,258
What she has need of is medical science.

1043
01:07:35,342 --> 01:07:36,843
(PENELOPE SCREAMlNG)

1044
01:07:42,933 --> 01:07:44,392
MOTHER: Father?

1045
01:07:47,021 --> 01:07:51,024
Oh ! Are you that bloke
what ordered the Van Gogh painting?

1046
01:07:51,108 --> 01:07:54,444
l am, l am. Hang it up there.

1047
01:07:57,281 --> 01:07:59,240
l think it might do better on the wall.

1048
01:07:59,283 --> 01:08:02,118
l wish you'd make your bleeding mind up.

1049
01:08:03,954 --> 01:08:07,123
ls your name Frereton?

1050
01:08:07,208 --> 01:08:09,209
No. lt's not.

1051
01:08:09,293 --> 01:08:10,627
Never!

1052
01:08:10,711 --> 01:08:12,796
-That is the man you want.
-Never!

1053
01:08:12,922 --> 01:08:16,382
Only it's, uh, it's his turn to be Prime Minister.

1054
01:08:17,885 --> 01:08:19,969
l know. l know.

1055
01:08:20,096 --> 01:08:23,139
l always knew
my inside leg would lead to power.

1056
01:08:23,265 --> 01:08:27,060
Dear Martin. . . Bules,
give me a hand, will you?

1057
01:08:27,144 --> 01:08:31,064
And get rid of my old togs, which l shall
not need as Prime Minister.

1058
01:08:33,275 --> 01:08:34,567
(WHlSTLES)

1059
01:08:36,946 --> 01:08:38,988
(STRAlNlNG)

1060
01:08:42,827 --> 01:08:44,911
Martin, what about down there, eh?

1061
01:08:44,995 --> 01:08:46,412
Huh?

1062
01:08:53,921 --> 01:08:55,171
(WATER SPLASHES)

1063
01:08:55,756 --> 01:08:56,840
Ah.

1064
01:09:00,511 --> 01:09:02,178
(GRUNTS)

1065
01:09:09,854 --> 01:09:11,146
(GROANS)

1066
01:09:17,278 --> 01:09:18,987
(GRUNTlNG)

1067
01:09:24,451 --> 01:09:26,661
(EXCLAlMlNG)

1068
01:09:26,704 --> 01:09:28,496
MAN: Oh, fire, fire!

1069
01:09:29,039 --> 01:09:30,165
Fire!

1070
01:09:30,207 --> 01:09:33,126
-Did you say something?
-What? Me? No.

1071
01:09:33,210 --> 01:09:34,377
Fire!

1072
01:09:34,461 --> 01:09:36,838
All right, Sergeant, nip down and see
what that fire's about, would you?

1073
01:09:36,881 --> 01:09:38,715
l was just going to do so, actually, sir.

1074
01:09:38,799 --> 01:09:40,383
Can't have fires around this time of the year.

1075
01:09:40,467 --> 01:09:41,634
Very well put, sir.

1076
01:09:41,719 --> 01:09:42,844
Down you go, then, Sergeant.

1077
01:09:42,887 --> 01:09:44,679
Right. Could you lower the balloon a little, sir?

1078
01:09:44,722 --> 01:09:47,056
-Doing me best.
-Thank you.

1079
01:09:48,225 --> 01:09:50,393
(GRUNTS) Oh, my bloody leg !

1080
01:09:50,519 --> 01:09:52,187
Never mind about your bloody leg !

1081
01:09:52,229 --> 01:09:54,522
Look at me, l'm drifting ! Grab hold of the rope!

1082
01:09:54,565 --> 01:09:57,233
Grab hold of the rope, Constable.
Sir's drifting.

1083
01:09:57,318 --> 01:10:00,695
Sir's more than drifting ! Sir's away!

1084
01:10:00,738 --> 01:10:02,488
lNSPECTOR: Grab the anchor!

1085
01:10:02,573 --> 01:10:06,576
l didn't join the force just to drift aimlessly
into the void !

1086
01:10:06,702 --> 01:10:09,245
Right, sir! Hold on, sir, we'll soon
have you out of trouble!

1087
01:10:09,330 --> 01:10:10,663
Grab the anchor!

1088
01:10:10,748 --> 01:10:12,707
l've got hold of it, sir.
Everything's under control !

1089
01:10:12,750 --> 01:10:16,252
Oh, my God ! Pull me down, Sergeant!

1090
01:10:16,378 --> 01:10:17,587
l will, sir!

1091
01:10:17,671 --> 01:10:20,089
Use your weight and gravity.
l'll come and help you !

1092
01:10:20,174 --> 01:10:22,675
l haven't got much gravity left, sir!

1093
01:10:24,053 --> 01:10:26,679
lNSPECTOR: What a lovely dome that is.
Wren, isn't it?

1094
01:10:26,764 --> 01:10:29,599
No, it's not rain, sir. lt looks a bit cloudy,

1095
01:10:29,725 --> 01:10:32,518
but l don't think we're in for any rain.
Sorry, sir.

1096
01:10:32,603 --> 01:10:34,938
Ever thought of dropping off
the balloon suddenly, Sergeant?

1097
01:10:35,022 --> 01:10:36,064
(PENELOPE GRUNTS)

1098
01:10:36,106 --> 01:10:37,273
We have this new system.

1099
01:10:37,358 --> 01:10:40,360
lnstead of moving the baby out,
we move the furniture in.

1100
01:10:40,444 --> 01:10:41,444
(PENELOPE GRUNTS)

1101
01:10:41,570 --> 01:10:42,612
Excuse me.

1102
01:10:42,738 --> 01:10:44,697
What are you doing to my Penny?

1103
01:10:44,782 --> 01:10:46,282
We should all ask ourselves,

1104
01:10:46,408 --> 01:10:49,369
is it really necessary
for people to leave the womb nowadays?

1105
01:10:49,453 --> 01:10:52,121
That's when most of
the trouble seems to start in this wicked world.

1106
01:10:52,248 --> 01:10:54,249
(PENELOPE GROANlNG)

1107
01:10:55,459 --> 01:10:57,377
My God, it's monstrous!

1108
01:10:57,461 --> 01:11:00,088
lt may well be, but you must be prepared
to love your monster.

1109
01:11:00,130 --> 01:11:02,465
Oh, we have some medicated wallpaper here.

1110
01:11:02,549 --> 01:11:05,468
Perhaps you'd like
to chose a pattern to suit your womb.

1111
01:11:05,552 --> 01:11:07,053
(HlGH-PlTCHED SQUEALlNG)

1112
01:11:11,225 --> 01:11:12,600
Ah.

1113
01:11:19,566 --> 01:11:22,986
Then, in come the three bears.
And Daddy Bear said,

1114
01:11:23,070 --> 01:11:25,321
"Who's been sleeping in my porridge?"

1115
01:11:25,406 --> 01:11:26,990
And the Mama Bear said,

1116
01:11:27,074 --> 01:11:29,909
"That's no porridge. That was my wife."

1117
01:11:31,328 --> 01:11:34,122
Waste of time telling bleeding chinks. . .

1118
01:11:34,164 --> 01:11:36,332
There were three pandas, see?

1119
01:11:36,417 --> 01:11:37,500
Ah !

1120
01:11:37,584 --> 01:11:38,626
Sergeant!

1121
01:11:38,669 --> 01:11:39,919
Sir!

1122
01:11:40,004 --> 01:11:42,171
Quick, man, they're coming over the wire.

1123
01:11:43,424 --> 01:11:47,260
Where, sir? l can see no one whatever, sir.

1124
01:11:47,344 --> 01:11:50,179
Put these glasses to your eyes, you idiot!

1125
01:11:53,934 --> 01:11:56,352
No, sir. Duff information, sir.

1126
01:11:56,478 --> 01:11:59,355
l can see nothing whatever, sir.
Nothing untoward to report, sir.

1127
01:11:59,481 --> 01:12:01,024
-No sign of the enemy, sir.
-Here.

1128
01:12:01,150 --> 01:12:02,275
(EXCLAlMS)

1129
01:12:02,359 --> 01:12:03,776
Are you the bloke, uh, officer,

1130
01:12:03,861 --> 01:12:07,363
what was in charge of the nuclear detergent
in the last atomic war?

1131
01:12:07,448 --> 01:12:08,531
l am he.

1132
01:12:08,657 --> 01:12:12,827
Bad news. lt has been returned to sender.

1133
01:12:12,870 --> 01:12:15,496
And there's three and nine to
pay on it in Chinese dollars.

1134
01:12:15,539 --> 01:12:17,957
-Good heavens! We got a reply.
-l can't help that, mate.

1135
01:12:18,042 --> 01:12:20,043
You didn't reckon
with the chinky-poo post office, did you?

1136
01:12:20,169 --> 01:12:21,878
-Well, it's a bit late now.
-Yes.

1137
01:12:22,004 --> 01:12:25,798
Sixty-five million pounds
it cost to develop that bomb.

1138
01:12:25,883 --> 01:12:28,051
Pity about the three and nine.

1139
01:12:28,135 --> 01:12:31,012
We could have won, you know.
Damnable bad luck!

1140
01:12:55,162 --> 01:12:56,412
(HlGH-PlTCHED SQUEALlNG)

1141
01:12:56,538 --> 01:12:58,664
Dad will get a nice surprise.

1142
01:13:00,000 --> 01:13:01,918
-Dad !
-PARROT: Dad !

1143
01:13:03,921 --> 01:13:05,838
-Daddy?
-PARROT: Daddy?

1144
01:13:05,923 --> 01:13:08,257
-Dad?
-PARROT: Dad?

1145
01:13:14,056 --> 01:13:17,016
Sorry we're late home, Dad.

1146
01:13:17,101 --> 01:13:19,394
l had the baby.

1147
01:13:22,272 --> 01:13:24,440
Don't you think he looks a bit like you, sir?

1148
01:13:24,525 --> 01:13:26,275
(HlGH-PlTCHED CRYlNG)

1149
01:13:40,749 --> 01:13:42,250
(YAWNS)

1150
01:13:46,463 --> 01:13:48,589
lt's been a long day.

1151
01:13:57,891 --> 01:14:01,769
Oh.

1152
01:14:06,650 --> 01:14:08,484
Good night.

1153
01:14:17,494 --> 01:14:19,328
MOTHER: (GASPS) Rape!

1154
01:14:19,413 --> 01:14:22,081
LORD FORTNUM: Damn it,
l can hold my tongue no longer!

1155
01:14:22,166 --> 01:14:24,000
-What?
-How dare you, adulterer!

1156
01:14:24,126 --> 01:14:26,377
How dare you
take advantage of our feathered friend !

1157
01:14:26,462 --> 01:14:28,296
-Mummy!
-MOTHER: l'm so ashamed.

1158
01:14:28,380 --> 01:14:30,965
MOTHER: Compromised internally
in front of my own daughter.

1159
01:14:31,049 --> 01:14:32,383
Close my doors at once.

1160
01:14:32,468 --> 01:14:35,011
-Can't we go into this in the morning? l'm all. . .
-Daddy, it's Mummy.

1161
01:14:35,095 --> 01:14:38,806
MOTHER: Very well, Captain.
But be gentle with me.

1162
01:14:38,891 --> 01:14:41,184
(CHUCKLES) Nighty-night.

1163
01:14:43,437 --> 01:14:44,729
Night-night, Mum.

1164
01:14:44,813 --> 01:14:46,814
MOTHER: Good night, dear.

1165
01:14:54,823 --> 01:14:56,824
Uh, good night, Dad.

1166
01:15:08,837 --> 01:15:10,004
MARTlN: No.

1167
01:15:11,340 --> 01:15:13,466
Nothing edible here.

1168
01:15:13,550 --> 01:15:18,346
You know, ever since they
dropped the, uh, you know,

1169
01:15:18,430 --> 01:15:20,848
woodworms have become quite extinct.

1170
01:15:20,933 --> 01:15:22,975
Oh, really?

1171
01:15:23,060 --> 01:15:24,519
Very strange.

1172
01:15:25,687 --> 01:15:28,147
Perhaps it wasn't the Russians and Americans
who dropped it, then.

1173
01:15:28,232 --> 01:15:30,107
Perhaps it was Rentokil.

1174
01:15:31,151 --> 01:15:33,694
(CLANGlNG)

1175
01:15:33,779 --> 01:15:36,030
Dinner is served, Daddy-o.

1176
01:15:39,201 --> 01:15:40,368
Well. . .

1177
01:15:40,452 --> 01:15:43,579
Well, l don't know who he is,
but he's just in time.

1178
01:15:48,544 --> 01:15:51,212
Well. Sit you down.

1179
01:15:59,137 --> 01:16:02,265
What? What is it, darling? Chicken?

1180
01:16:02,349 --> 01:16:03,766
No, it's Daddy.

1181
01:16:03,850 --> 01:16:08,104
Oh. Well, never mind. Don't take it too hard.

1182
01:16:08,188 --> 01:16:11,899
We'll let his perch to another bird,
if we can find one.

1183
01:16:11,984 --> 01:16:13,568
Be gentle, Bules.

1184
01:16:15,571 --> 01:16:19,156
How did this terrible thing happen?

1185
01:16:19,241 --> 01:16:20,825
After his career in politics,

1186
01:16:20,909 --> 01:16:23,953
he said he wanted his body
to be left to science.

1187
01:16:24,037 --> 01:16:26,247
Then he threw himself off his perch.

1188
01:16:26,748 --> 01:16:28,416
(SNlFFlNG)

1189
01:16:37,217 --> 01:16:38,301
Eh?

1190
01:16:43,098 --> 01:16:46,934
Here, what's that silly thing?

1191
01:16:47,019 --> 01:16:48,352
lt's her father.

1192
01:16:48,437 --> 01:16:51,272
Father, eh? Ooh ! This'll mean a by-election.

1193
01:16:51,356 --> 01:16:53,190
Oh dear Lord !

1194
01:16:53,275 --> 01:16:54,483
(EXCLAlMS)

1195
01:16:54,568 --> 01:16:58,362
Cor, he tastes marvellous.
We've never had so good.

1196
01:17:16,757 --> 01:17:18,549
(GAGGlNG)

1197
01:18:01,301 --> 01:18:02,635
Oh.

1198
01:18:03,929 --> 01:18:05,680
l am moving.

1199
01:18:06,890 --> 01:18:08,349
(BARKS)

1200
01:18:14,439 --> 01:18:16,816
(WlND-UP SlREN STARTS)

1201
01:18:23,865 --> 01:18:26,033
Gas masks on !

1202
01:18:27,244 --> 01:18:29,954
Gas masks on ! Hurry up.

1203
01:18:30,789 --> 01:18:35,000
Atomic bomb, radiation rising ! Hurry up!

1204
01:18:35,085 --> 01:18:38,629
Radiation rising. Masks on !

1205
01:18:38,714 --> 01:18:40,089
All your masks on !

1206
01:18:41,299 --> 01:18:43,718
My word,
it's a good job the Minister of Defence

1207
01:18:43,802 --> 01:18:47,012
had a sense of humour
when he invented these masks.

1208
01:18:47,097 --> 01:18:51,267
Mind you, l was thinking. l don't think
the human face fits the modern need.

1209
01:18:51,351 --> 01:18:52,893
-You don't?
-No.

1210
01:18:52,978 --> 01:18:56,480
lf l had my way
in the hurly-burly of post-atomic living,

1211
01:18:56,565 --> 01:18:59,233
l'd have a bloke's mouth on top of his nut.

1212
01:18:59,317 --> 01:19:01,152
You see, then when he's late for work

1213
01:19:01,236 --> 01:19:03,696
all he has to do
is slide his breakfast under his hat

1214
01:19:03,780 --> 01:19:05,406
and eat it on the way to the office.

1215
01:19:05,490 --> 01:19:06,907
Huh?

1216
01:19:08,618 --> 01:19:11,203
Do you think we've come to the end of it all?

1217
01:19:12,038 --> 01:19:14,790
(LAUGHS) Oh, dear.

1218
01:19:17,294 --> 01:19:18,419
Nah.

1219
01:19:18,503 --> 01:19:20,921
(SlREN STARTS)

1220
01:19:24,468 --> 01:19:27,636
MATE: Get your masks on !
Get your masks on !

1221
01:19:27,763 --> 01:19:30,806
Get your masks on ! Atomic bomb!

1222
01:19:39,941 --> 01:19:42,443
Oh, please, God, not again.

1223
01:19:48,658 --> 01:19:49,784
(COUGHlNG)

1224
01:19:49,868 --> 01:19:51,452
Bloody fog.

1225
01:19:52,913 --> 01:19:54,121
What's to become of us now?

1226
01:19:54,206 --> 01:19:56,123
Well, we'll just have to keep going.

1227
01:19:56,208 --> 01:19:57,750
What for?

1228
01:19:57,834 --> 01:19:59,668
Because we're British.

1229
01:19:59,753 --> 01:20:01,170
British?

1230
01:20:01,254 --> 01:20:06,217
Well, what a lot of use that is.
We don't even know who's won the war.

1231
01:20:06,301 --> 01:20:11,055
We've run out of food. No medicine.
We're eating our parents.

1232
01:20:11,139 --> 01:20:12,556
British !

1233
01:20:14,601 --> 01:20:16,268
(BABY SQUEALlNG)

1234
01:20:17,854 --> 01:20:20,147
MATE: And another thing. lf l had my way,

1235
01:20:20,232 --> 01:20:23,692
l'd have a bloke's genitals
on the end of his finger.

1236
01:20:23,777 --> 01:20:24,819
MARTlN: He'd wear a glove, of course?

1237
01:20:24,903 --> 01:20:28,322
MATE: Oh, yes!
You don't want the frost to get at it, eh?

1238
01:20:28,406 --> 01:20:31,534
And you think how
handy it would be in them non-corridor trains.

1239
01:20:31,618 --> 01:20:33,202
He could waggle it
out the window then, couldn't he?

1240
01:20:33,286 --> 01:20:35,329
Where would you put a woman's equivalent?

1241
01:20:35,413 --> 01:20:39,250
Well, l'd. . .
l'd have that up here on her shoulder. See?

1242
01:20:39,334 --> 01:20:41,961
-Oh?
-Then she couldn't get raped by, uh, midgets.

1243
01:20:42,045 --> 01:20:43,629
Supposing they stood
on each other's shoulders?

1244
01:20:43,713 --> 01:20:46,423
No! lt'd be easier for her to kneel down.

1245
01:20:46,508 --> 01:20:48,384
Oh no, it wouldn't work. Out of the question !

1246
01:20:48,468 --> 01:20:50,511
-How do you mean?
-Picture to yourself.

1247
01:20:50,595 --> 01:20:57,059
Crowded train, a young man
gets up to give his seat to a young, pretty girl.

1248
01:20:57,143 --> 01:21:00,020
She doesn't notice at first, and then. . .

1249
01:21:00,105 --> 01:21:02,773
"Excuse me, miss." Ah?

1250
01:21:02,858 --> 01:21:04,441
(LAUGHlNG)

1251
01:21:06,361 --> 01:21:07,862
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear!

1252
01:21:07,946 --> 01:21:09,530
Oh dear, indeed.

1253
01:21:09,614 --> 01:21:12,199
That would put the price of tickets
up on the Tube, wouldn't it, eh?

1254
01:21:12,284 --> 01:21:13,492
(BOTH LAUGHlNG)

1255
01:21:17,247 --> 01:21:19,039
(MARTlN AND MATE LAUGHlNG)

1256
01:21:23,044 --> 01:21:24,879
lsn't it looking a bit off to you?

1257
01:21:24,963 --> 01:21:27,214
Well, take him inside, then.

1258
01:21:27,299 --> 01:21:29,216
. . . no-poking compartment.

1259
01:21:29,301 --> 01:21:31,343
(BOTH LAUGHlNG)

1260
01:21:31,428 --> 01:21:34,013
Ah, let's get in now, dear. Blowing up foggy.

1261
01:21:34,764 --> 01:21:36,891
Here, here, here. Come here.

1262
01:21:36,975 --> 01:21:38,726
Turn round, darling.

1263
01:21:38,810 --> 01:21:40,185
What?

1264
01:21:40,270 --> 01:21:42,271
Pardon. . . Pardon me, miss.

1265
01:21:42,355 --> 01:21:43,814
(BOTH LAUGHlNG)

1266
01:21:45,400 --> 01:21:47,109
(COUGHlNG)

1267
01:21:52,198 --> 01:21:53,949
Rubber?

1268
01:21:54,034 --> 01:21:55,618
Please go away.

1269
01:21:58,413 --> 01:22:00,748
lt's rubber.

1270
01:22:00,916 --> 01:22:04,084
lt's rubber! Rubber!

1271
01:22:04,961 --> 01:22:06,170
Gas.

1272
01:22:06,254 --> 01:22:08,797
This is a killer fog, all right.
Just like the old days.

1273
01:22:08,882 --> 01:22:10,299
Eh? lsn't it, eh?

1274
01:22:10,383 --> 01:22:13,427
Hey! You'll enjoy this.
lt was horrible how they were gassed.

1275
01:22:13,511 --> 01:22:19,475
(COUGHlNG)

1276
01:22:31,947 --> 01:22:33,364
Oh !

1277
01:22:33,448 --> 01:22:35,074
My baby!

1278
01:22:36,451 --> 01:22:38,118
My poor baby!

1279
01:22:38,912 --> 01:22:40,204
lt's dead !

1280
01:22:41,581 --> 01:22:45,000
Now, look, darling,
we all know that Rupert was thing.

1281
01:22:45,085 --> 01:22:49,713
lt was our thing. Ours!
We made it, Alan and l.

1282
01:22:50,840 --> 01:22:53,968
lt was the only thing
l ever cared for in the whole world.

1283
01:22:57,013 --> 01:23:00,099
Well, never mind, darling,
we might someday make another.

1284
01:23:01,309 --> 01:23:03,519
What a shame. What a shame.

1285
01:23:04,896 --> 01:23:09,775
Here. Here, darling, l'll drink that silly,
silly bottle of milk up for you.

1286
01:23:09,859 --> 01:23:11,819
MARTlN: That's right.

1287
01:23:11,903 --> 01:23:14,947
Hey! Look! He's already got the hang of it.

1288
01:23:15,031 --> 01:23:17,992
Look, darling,
why don't we adopt this one? Mmm?

1289
01:23:18,994 --> 01:23:22,830
Here we are. There's his rattle.
Diddles want his rattle, then?

1290
01:23:22,914 --> 01:23:25,165
Diddles want his rattle?

1291
01:23:25,250 --> 01:23:26,709
Piss off!

1292
01:23:26,793 --> 01:23:30,087
Listen, darling, his first words. "Piss off!"

1293
01:23:30,171 --> 01:23:31,505
Piss off.

1294
01:23:50,275 --> 01:23:52,818
Sergeant, I think we've found
what we've been looking for.

1295
01:23:52,902 --> 01:23:59,324
Proceed in orderly fashion towards target,
map reference 79, D-3 and remove same.

1296
01:24:00,368 --> 01:24:01,994
(COUGHlNG)

1297
01:24:02,078 --> 01:24:04,079
(BARKlNG)

1298
01:24:06,791 --> 01:24:09,376
PLASTlC MAC MAN: The rubber! The rubber!

1299
01:24:09,461 --> 01:24:11,462
lt is the end of us, my friends!

1300
01:24:11,546 --> 01:24:13,213
(LAUGHlNG)

1301
01:24:13,298 --> 01:24:16,800
Oh, yes! The end, my friends, is in sight!

1302
01:24:17,719 --> 01:24:22,389
l carried little Rupert inside me for 1 7 months
rather than let him out into this wicked world.

1303
01:24:25,060 --> 01:24:28,896
Yes, my friend, rubber. lt is the end of us!

1304
01:24:29,064 --> 01:24:31,065
Stretch and repent!

1305
01:24:31,191 --> 01:24:34,485
lt's because of the rubber,
stretching his way around the world.

1306
01:24:34,736 --> 01:24:36,361
Run, brothers, run !

1307
01:24:36,446 --> 01:24:39,198
The rubber will get you wherever you hide!

1308
01:24:39,282 --> 01:24:41,241
The rubber is come.

1309
01:24:41,326 --> 01:24:43,911
Stretch, brothers, and repent!

1310
01:24:45,330 --> 01:24:49,083
We've provoked the hand and the foot,

1311
01:24:49,167 --> 01:24:53,087
and the elbow, and the knees,
and the teeth of God !

1312
01:24:53,171 --> 01:24:55,047
-Right, Sergeant.
-Stand by, men.

1313
01:24:55,131 --> 01:24:56,215
(BARKlNG)

1314
01:24:56,299 --> 01:25:00,052
That's why he dropped the bomb.

1315
01:25:00,553 --> 01:25:01,845
The bomb?

1316
01:25:01,930 --> 01:25:02,971
(STUTTERlNG) The bomb!

1317
01:25:03,056 --> 01:25:05,057
-The bomb.
-The bomb?

1318
01:25:05,141 --> 01:25:06,600
The bomb!

1319
01:25:06,684 --> 01:25:08,268
(CRASHlNG)

1320
01:25:08,603 --> 01:25:10,604
(ALL SHOUTlNG)

1321
01:25:13,650 --> 01:25:14,691
Stop!

1322
01:25:15,860 --> 01:25:17,236
Dear God !

1323
01:25:17,529 --> 01:25:19,154
That's the fellow!

1324
01:25:20,281 --> 01:25:23,117
Stretch and repent all your wicked ways!

1325
01:25:23,201 --> 01:25:25,828
Follow me and ye shall be saved !

1326
01:25:26,913 --> 01:25:29,373
Run, brothers, run !

1327
01:25:29,707 --> 01:25:32,835
We can all stretch and repent!

1328
01:25:33,711 --> 01:25:37,881
LORD FORTNUM: Stop!
Stop! Stop in the name of the Lord !

1329
01:25:38,800 --> 01:25:43,470
Here, it's God ! lt's God.
He's come back on us.

1330
01:25:43,888 --> 01:25:45,556
Good old God, mate.

1331
01:25:45,723 --> 01:25:48,642
# For he's a jolly good fellow #

1332
01:25:49,144 --> 01:25:50,978
He's a Socialist, you know.

1333
01:25:51,062 --> 01:25:53,480
LORD FORTNUM: Quiet, Labour scum !

1334
01:25:53,648 --> 01:25:55,190
What?

1335
01:25:55,275 --> 01:25:58,527
He's. . . He's a bleeding Conservative.

1336
01:25:58,611 --> 01:26:00,737
Here, hold hard a minute,
you don't sound like God,

1337
01:26:00,822 --> 01:26:02,156
you sound like Lord Fortnum.

1338
01:26:02,240 --> 01:26:04,533
LORD FORTNUM: l also do impressions.

1339
01:26:04,617 --> 01:26:08,662
Save us, Lord God,
from the dreadful death by radiation.

1340
01:26:08,830 --> 01:26:10,247
Save us, oh, God,

1341
01:26:10,373 --> 01:26:13,709
from the temptations
and perversions of the rubber.

1342
01:26:13,793 --> 01:26:17,212
Save me and l'll give up
being an atheist, Goddy.

1343
01:26:17,297 --> 01:26:19,590
God, give me back my baby.

1344
01:26:20,466 --> 01:26:23,218
LORD FORTNUM: (STAMMERlNG)
Yes, well, uh, yes indeed !

1345
01:26:23,303 --> 01:26:26,597
ln the fullness of time
we'll see what we can do.

1346
01:26:27,056 --> 01:26:28,557
Good, now well, um. . .

1347
01:26:28,641 --> 01:26:32,394
That's not God, that's Lord Fortnum,
the well-known bed sitting room.

1348
01:26:32,937 --> 01:26:34,521
What? What? Lies!

1349
01:26:34,606 --> 01:26:36,315
lNSPECTOR: Captain Bules Martin !

1350
01:26:36,733 --> 01:26:38,609
That's God, l recognise the voice.

1351
01:26:39,736 --> 01:26:43,405
A large brown substance
has come to our attention.

1352
01:26:54,000 --> 01:26:56,960
Bules, darling ! Say something !

1353
01:26:57,420 --> 01:27:00,505
My God, Nigel ! And alive!

1354
01:27:01,090 --> 01:27:03,926
You left me on a left luggage rack.

1355
01:27:04,010 --> 01:27:06,762
There's seventeen pounds
seven shillings to pay, Bules Martin.

1356
01:27:06,804 --> 01:27:09,431
But apart from that,
there are no further charges against you.

1357
01:27:09,515 --> 01:27:13,310
Provided that you have the immediate funds
about your person, that is.

1358
01:27:13,436 --> 01:27:14,603
lt is.

1359
01:27:15,313 --> 01:27:16,772
ls it?

1360
01:27:16,814 --> 01:27:19,775
-Another.
-Due?

1361
01:27:20,443 --> 01:27:23,779
l knew there was something in there.
l'm going to be another mummy.

1362
01:27:24,030 --> 01:27:27,950
l expect you may be wondering why
l've invited you all here this afternoon.

1363
01:27:28,284 --> 01:27:30,285
l've just come
from an audience with Her Majesty,

1364
01:27:30,328 --> 01:27:31,954
Mrs Ethel Shroake.

1365
01:27:32,121 --> 01:27:35,165
And l'm empowered by her to tell you
that in the future,

1366
01:27:35,291 --> 01:27:39,628
clouds of poisonous nuclear fog
will no longer be necessary.

1367
01:27:40,004 --> 01:27:42,506
Mutations will cease sine die.

1368
01:27:42,632 --> 01:27:45,634
And furthermore,
l'm the bringer of glad tidings.

1369
01:27:46,511 --> 01:27:48,804
A team of surgeons at the Woolwich Hospital

1370
01:27:48,888 --> 01:27:53,809
have just accomplished the world's first
successful complete body transplant.

1371
01:27:54,477 --> 01:27:57,187
The donor was the entire
population of South Wales

1372
01:27:57,313 --> 01:28:00,065
and the new body is functioning normally.

1373
01:28:00,483 --> 01:28:04,486
l myself saw it sit up in bed,
wink and ask for a glass of beer.

1374
01:28:04,988 --> 01:28:10,158
All in all, l think we're in for a time of peace,
prosperity and stability,

1375
01:28:10,326 --> 01:28:15,539
when the earth will burgeon forth anew,
the lion will lie down with the lamb,

1376
01:28:15,665 --> 01:28:18,500
and the goat give suck to the tiny bee.

1377
01:28:18,835 --> 01:28:21,003
At times of great national emergency,

1378
01:28:21,087 --> 01:28:24,381
you'll often find that a new leader
tends to emerge.

1379
01:28:24,882 --> 01:28:27,676
Here l am. So watch it.

1380
01:28:28,511 --> 01:28:31,346
Keep moving, everybody. That's the spirit.

1381
01:28:31,431 --> 01:28:33,181
Keep moving !

1382
01:28:55,038 --> 01:28:56,788
Come on, Sergeant.

1383
01:28:56,873 --> 01:28:59,374
Come on. Come on, Sarge. Come on, then.

1384
01:28:59,459 --> 01:29:02,127
Come on. You can come
with us then, Sergeant.

1385
01:29:02,211 --> 01:29:06,131
This is BBC Television.
l have great news for the country.

1386
01:29:06,215 --> 01:29:08,925
Great Britain is a first-class
nuclear power again.

1387
01:29:10,386 --> 01:29:11,720
(lNAUDlBLE)

1388
01:29:33,618 --> 01:29:37,245
# God save Mrs EtheI Shroake

1389
01:29:37,330 --> 01:29:41,416
# Long Iive Mrs EtheI Shroake

1390
01:29:41,459 --> 01:29:45,295
# God save Mrs EtheI Shroake

1391
01:29:45,421 --> 01:29:49,591
# Of 393A High Street, Leytonstone #

1392
01:29:50,927 --> 01:29:51,927
THE BBC: Good night.