1
00:00:46,950 --> 00:00:49,090
Sorry to keep you waiting.
Balloon's gone up.

2
00:00:50,069 --> 00:00:51,769
Total chaos.

3
00:00:51,789 --> 00:00:54,169
Deadlines brought forward,
printers on the warpath -

4
00:00:54,189 --> 00:00:56,169
all kinds of merry hell.

5
00:00:56,188 --> 00:00:57,849
But that's Fleet Street for you.

6
00:00:57,869 --> 00:01:01,009
I wouldn't know about Fleet Street
but I'm familiar with merry hell.

7
00:01:01,029 --> 00:01:04,649
Of course. Of course. The, war.

8
00:01:04,669 --> 00:01:12,129
Now, you have impressive references
here from Mr Gilbert Frankau

9
00:01:12,149 --> 00:01:13,409
and Mr RC Sherriff.

10
00:01:13,429 --> 00:01:17,409
Yes, I knew them back then when we
were all working on Tenth Avenue.

11
00:01:17,429 --> 00:01:19,849
Tenth Avenue? In New York?

12
00:01:19,869 --> 00:01:22,689
No, No. In Flanders.

13
00:01:22,709 --> 00:01:23,969
It was a trench.

14
00:01:23,989 --> 00:01:27,449
Yes, the war. Very good.
I couldn't go of course.

15
00:01:27,469 --> 00:01:28,769
Eyesight.

16
00:01:28,789 --> 00:01:31,609
I'm sorry. You missed quite a show.

17
00:01:31,629 --> 00:01:34,409
Really? Yes, it must have been hell.

18
00:01:34,429 --> 00:01:35,589
From what I've read.

19
00:01:36,789 --> 00:01:37,969
We had some bad times.

20
00:01:37,989 --> 00:01:40,609
But we had some good times too.

21
00:01:40,629 --> 00:01:44,870
I'm sure. So perhaps you could
tell me about yourself, Mr...?

22
00:01:46,549 --> 00:01:50,089
Roberts, Fred Roberts.

23
00:01:50,109 --> 00:01:52,929
You do have my curriculum vitae?

24
00:01:52,949 --> 00:01:54,449
Yes.

25
00:01:54,470 --> 00:01:57,469
But I'd like to
hear about you in your own words.

26
00:01:59,469 --> 00:02:01,569
Frederick Roberts.

27
00:02:01,590 --> 00:02:04,849
Formerly of the North Midlands
Nottinghamshire and Derbyshire Regiment,

28
00:02:04,869 --> 00:02:06,849
otherwise known as the Sherwood
Foresters.

29
00:02:06,869 --> 00:02:09,249
A mining engineer by profession -

30
00:02:09,270 --> 00:02:13,169
I worked in the Kimberley diamond
mines in South Africa

31
00:02:13,189 --> 00:02:16,769
until friend
Fritz kicked off the firework party.

32
00:02:16,789 --> 00:02:20,089
I see.
So you have mining qualifications?

33
00:02:20,110 --> 00:02:21,809
Jolly useful in a pioneer battalion

34
00:02:21,829 --> 00:02:24,129
charged with trench repair
and maintenance...

35
00:02:24,149 --> 00:02:26,690
Though less useful
in a newspaper office.

36
00:02:26,709 --> 00:02:28,829
I don't know - digging up
all that muck.

37
00:02:29,830 --> 00:02:31,029
Yes, Mr Roberts.

38
00:02:32,549 --> 00:02:37,329
My problem is that what we need here
is men with relevant experience.

39
00:02:37,349 --> 00:02:39,870
So tell me.
Do you have any relevant experience?

40
00:03:07,869 --> 00:03:10,970
Come on. Come on, lads. Quickly.

41
00:03:12,910 --> 00:03:14,710
Move it, move it, move it.

42
00:03:21,110 --> 00:03:22,250
All right?

43
00:03:22,269 --> 00:03:23,789
Come on! Come on!

44
00:03:28,790 --> 00:03:31,430
Come on, lads.

45
00:03:33,549 --> 00:03:35,350
Everyone all right? Good lads.

46
00:03:40,310 --> 00:03:44,330
To be in Flanders now that
winter's here.

47
00:03:44,349 --> 00:03:45,449
It's April.

48
00:03:45,469 --> 00:03:48,710
Is it? I find it frightfully
difficult to tell.

49
00:03:52,189 --> 00:03:53,709
Usual drill, Sergeant.

50
00:03:54,789 --> 00:03:58,369
Oi! Smith, Dodd, Henderson, Barnes.
You heard the officer.

51
00:03:58,390 --> 00:04:00,250
Search the place for anything
we can use.

52
00:04:00,269 --> 00:04:03,930
Preferably of the metal or timber
variety. All right, sir.

53
00:04:03,950 --> 00:04:06,370
And be sharp about it, lads.

54
00:04:06,390 --> 00:04:10,090
Fritz's love tokens seem to be
arriving with greater frequency.

55
00:04:12,590 --> 00:04:14,050
4.2s, sir.

56
00:04:14,070 --> 00:04:16,890
That's a relief. Thought
for a minute they were 5.9s.

57
00:04:19,510 --> 00:04:21,470
No. Those are 5.9s, sir.

58
00:04:28,270 --> 00:04:30,169
What the hell are you doing, Dodd?

59
00:04:30,190 --> 00:04:32,330
Die Boche vermin!

60
00:04:32,349 --> 00:04:33,890
You're wasting your time.

61
00:04:33,910 --> 00:04:36,650
Put your bayonet away before you
hurt someone.

62
00:04:36,670 --> 00:04:38,170
But it's a rat, sir.

63
00:04:38,190 --> 00:04:40,130
Yes, I'm familiar with the species,
Dodd.

64
00:04:40,150 --> 00:04:43,130
We've encountered one or two
since we've been in Ypres.

65
00:04:43,150 --> 00:04:44,690
Ypres, sir?

66
00:04:44,709 --> 00:04:47,370
It's what the Belgians call Wipers.

67
00:04:47,390 --> 00:04:50,250
Right, sir.
Funny lot, the Belgians.

68
00:04:50,270 --> 00:04:52,890
It's like the Napoo Rum
they got over here, sir.

69
00:04:52,910 --> 00:04:54,650
Never seem to get any.

70
00:04:54,670 --> 00:04:56,610
Napoo it's from the French, Dodd.

71
00:04:56,629 --> 00:04:58,570
"Il n'y en a plus".
There is no more.

72
00:04:58,590 --> 00:05:02,370
Well, why don't
they just say that then, sir?

73
00:05:02,389 --> 00:05:03,790
Nothing here, Captain.

74
00:05:04,870 --> 00:05:06,970
Napoo salvage, sir.

75
00:05:06,990 --> 00:05:09,910
Very good, Dodd.
We'll make a sapper of you yet.

76
00:05:12,790 --> 00:05:14,810
Quickly. Quick. Come on, lads.

77
00:05:27,070 --> 00:05:28,510
Find me something, lads.

78
00:05:31,390 --> 00:05:34,690
Look what we have here, sir!
Boxes of paper.

79
00:05:34,710 --> 00:05:38,570
Excellent. Exactly what we're
looking for to reinforce trench 132.

80
00:05:38,591 --> 00:05:40,690
Really, sir? Er no, Dodd.

81
00:05:40,710 --> 00:05:43,410
I'm afraid you'll find when you've
been out here for a while that

82
00:05:43,430 --> 00:05:46,411
paper doesn't offer much protection
against crumps and whizz-bangs.

83
00:05:46,430 --> 00:05:48,970
Unless you're a red hat in HQ with
a cushy job, then the paper

84
00:05:48,990 --> 00:05:51,570
stops you getting anywhere
near the shooting gallery at all.

85
00:05:51,590 --> 00:05:55,731
Your cynicism could become
wearying, Lieutenant Pearson

86
00:05:55,750 --> 00:05:57,810
except fortunately
I find it quite amusing.

87
00:05:57,830 --> 00:05:59,690
Some tarpaulin here, sir.

88
00:05:59,711 --> 00:06:01,310
Well, that might be useful.

89
00:06:04,990 --> 00:06:06,031
Blimey.

90
00:06:07,030 --> 00:06:08,911
Now what the bloody hell is that?

91
00:06:10,430 --> 00:06:12,370
That, Smith, is an Arab.

92
00:06:12,390 --> 00:06:15,211
I'm not stupid, Sar'nt.

93
00:06:15,230 --> 00:06:18,650
The Arab is an Anglo-American
hand-fed platen press.

94
00:06:18,670 --> 00:06:21,010
It's probably
the finest in the world.

95
00:06:21,030 --> 00:06:23,810
It's a manual, pedal-operated
printing machine

96
00:06:23,831 --> 00:06:26,331
patented in 1872 by Josiah Wade.

97
00:06:26,350 --> 00:06:28,570
Manufactured in Halifax,

98
00:06:28,590 --> 00:06:30,650
subsequently sold all over the
world.

99
00:06:30,670 --> 00:06:33,210
In short, it's a work of art.

100
00:06:33,230 --> 00:06:34,770
So, shall we smash it up?

101
00:06:34,790 --> 00:06:37,291
No. Stupid, Dodd.

102
00:06:37,310 --> 00:06:40,050
Look, it's even got the blocks and
the trays of type.

103
00:06:40,070 --> 00:06:41,630
Go on, stick that over there, Smith.

104
00:06:43,591 --> 00:06:45,371
How on earth do you know all this,
Harris?

105
00:06:45,391 --> 00:06:47,571
I was a printer in civvy street,
sir.

106
00:06:47,591 --> 00:06:50,731
Good grief.
You kept quiet about that.

107
00:06:50,750 --> 00:06:53,930
Well, it didn't seem relevant to
fighting Fritz, sir.

108
00:06:53,950 --> 00:06:57,551
No. But it might be now.

109
00:06:59,310 --> 00:07:00,690
Can you make this work?

110
00:07:00,711 --> 00:07:04,770
Well, I mean,
she's not been used for a while.

111
00:07:04,790 --> 00:07:07,851
The type's all over the countryside.

112
00:07:07,871 --> 00:07:09,870
There's a few unwelcome visitors.

113
00:07:11,790 --> 00:07:15,210
But give it a bit of time, reckon
so, sir. Yes, sir.

114
00:07:15,231 --> 00:07:16,970
How's it work then, Sar'nt?

115
00:07:16,990 --> 00:07:20,650
Well, you stick
the ink on that plate there.

116
00:07:20,670 --> 00:07:23,450
And the rollers come down onto
the block there.

117
00:07:23,471 --> 00:07:24,650
Paper goes in there.

118
00:07:24,670 --> 00:07:26,611
Don't touch it.

119
00:07:26,631 --> 00:07:28,411
Very interesting.

120
00:07:28,431 --> 00:07:31,011
What are we going to do with it?

121
00:07:31,031 --> 00:07:33,130
We're going to borrow it.

122
00:07:33,150 --> 00:07:34,291
Isn't that looting?

123
00:07:34,311 --> 00:07:39,210
No, no. It's temporary requisitioning
of civilian

124
00:07:39,231 --> 00:07:41,530
facilities for military purposes.

125
00:07:41,551 --> 00:07:43,570
Right. Sounds like looting.

126
00:07:43,590 --> 00:07:46,091
Have you ever done any journalism,
Pearson?

127
00:07:46,111 --> 00:07:47,690
Good God, no! Excellent.

128
00:07:47,710 --> 00:07:49,171
Me neither.

129
00:07:49,190 --> 00:07:52,451
Because what we're going to do, is
we're going to produce a newspaper.

130
00:07:52,470 --> 00:07:55,090
Aren't we, Sergeant? If you say so,
sir.

131
00:07:55,110 --> 00:07:57,010
What, like the Daily Mail?

132
00:07:57,030 --> 00:08:00,651
I was thinking something
rather more accurate.

133
00:08:00,671 --> 00:08:01,711
The Times?

134
00:08:03,831 --> 00:08:05,031
The Wipers Times.

135
00:08:12,431 --> 00:08:14,671
Move it, lads! Move it!

136
00:08:28,991 --> 00:08:31,170
We've got plenty of ink,
plenty of paper.

137
00:08:31,191 --> 00:08:32,691
In fact, according to Harris,

138
00:08:32,711 --> 00:08:35,531
the only thing
we seem to be lacking is "copy".

139
00:08:35,550 --> 00:08:37,811
None of us is writing men.

140
00:08:37,831 --> 00:08:39,691
We haven't done any journalism.

141
00:08:39,711 --> 00:08:42,810
There's a first time for everything.
It can't be that hard.

142
00:08:42,831 --> 00:08:46,371
I think we should aim to produce
something a bit like Punch,

143
00:08:46,391 --> 00:08:48,931
except with jokes..

144
00:08:48,951 --> 00:08:50,891
So what are we actually going
to write about?

145
00:08:52,991 --> 00:08:54,851
Damn you, Fritz.
I can't hear myself think.

146
00:08:54,871 --> 00:08:56,951
Put on The Bing Boys would you, Jack?

147
00:09:01,271 --> 00:09:05,291
So will The Wipers Times address
the big questions of the war?

148
00:09:05,311 --> 00:09:08,371
Certainly. And how will we do that?

149
00:09:08,391 --> 00:09:11,491
I suggest we do so just by writing
down any old thing that

150
00:09:11,511 --> 00:09:13,131
comes into our heads.

151
00:09:13,151 --> 00:09:15,811
Trial page proof, sir.

152
00:09:15,831 --> 00:09:17,931
Looks pretty good,
I must say myself.

153
00:09:17,951 --> 00:09:20,571
Who do I show it to, sir?
Who's the editor?

154
00:09:20,591 --> 00:09:24,451
Well, as senior officer, I am, of
course, the editor.

155
00:09:24,471 --> 00:09:27,932
I will need a sub-editor.
Any volunteers? Jack?

156
00:09:27,951 --> 00:09:31,731
Bad grammar is simply something
I will not put up with.

157
00:09:31,751 --> 00:09:34,411
Up with which you simply
will not put.

158
00:09:34,431 --> 00:09:36,311
All right, Jack, the job's yours.

159
00:09:38,231 --> 00:09:40,692
Only drawback, sir, is that we're
short of Ys and Es.

160
00:09:40,711 --> 00:09:43,731
Well, it's just as well we're not
based anywhere called Ypres then.

161
00:09:43,751 --> 00:09:46,331
Now, sir, what about some copy?

162
00:09:46,351 --> 00:09:48,971
Dammit, Harris,
haven't you heard of writer's block?

163
00:09:48,991 --> 00:09:51,871
Only every day, sir, come deadline
time for the newspaper.

164
00:09:53,751 --> 00:09:56,931
Very well, Harris.
But you are very annoying.

165
00:09:56,951 --> 00:09:58,811
Very good, sir.

166
00:09:58,831 --> 00:10:01,291
You know he's right, Fred.

167
00:10:01,311 --> 00:10:02,471
Et tu, Pearson?

168
00:10:06,151 --> 00:10:08,811
I'm going to hold this pencil...

169
00:10:08,831 --> 00:10:10,071
and see what happens.

170
00:10:11,311 --> 00:10:13,291
Something's bound to turn up.

171
00:10:13,312 --> 00:10:15,311
You are an incorrigible optimist.

172
00:10:17,551 --> 00:10:19,212
Optimism.

173
00:10:19,232 --> 00:10:21,251
Well, there's a dangerous thing...

174
00:10:21,272 --> 00:10:23,691
particularly in a war.

175
00:10:23,711 --> 00:10:26,291
Do you suffer from optimism?

176
00:10:26,311 --> 00:10:28,692
Men! Do you suffer from optimism,

177
00:10:28,711 --> 00:10:31,331
but fail to recognise
the tell-tale signs?

178
00:10:31,351 --> 00:10:32,731
Many do.

179
00:10:32,751 --> 00:10:34,611
Is it serious, Doctor?

180
00:10:34,631 --> 00:10:37,891
I just need you to answer a few
simple questions.

181
00:10:37,911 --> 00:10:40,332
Do you sometimes wake up
in the morning feeling that all is

182
00:10:40,352 --> 00:10:41,931
going well for the Allies?

183
00:10:41,951 --> 00:10:43,651
Yes, Doctor.

184
00:10:43,671 --> 00:10:45,692
Do you sometimes think that the
war will be over,

185
00:10:45,711 --> 00:10:47,491
within the next 12 months?

186
00:10:47,511 --> 00:10:49,691
Absolutely, Doctor.

187
00:10:49,711 --> 00:10:52,571
Do you consider that our leaders
are competent to conduct the war

188
00:10:52,591 --> 00:10:54,211
to a successful issue?

189
00:10:54,231 --> 00:10:56,212
I should say so, Doctor.

190
00:10:56,232 --> 00:10:59,972
Dear. This is the worst case
of cheerfulness I've encountered.

191
00:10:59,991 --> 00:11:02,532
Good. No. It's terrible.

192
00:11:02,552 --> 00:11:03,571
But don't worry.

193
00:11:03,591 --> 00:11:06,611
I promise I can cure
you of optimism within two days

194
00:11:06,632 --> 00:11:09,891
and effectively eradicate all
traces of it from your system.

195
00:11:09,911 --> 00:11:12,891
Really, Doctor?
And how are you going to do that?

196
00:11:12,911 --> 00:11:16,252
I'm writing something for you now,
which should do the trick.

197
00:11:16,272 --> 00:11:17,971
Is it a prescription, Doctor?

198
00:11:17,991 --> 00:11:22,132
No. It's your orders.
I'm sending you to the front line.

199
00:11:22,152 --> 00:11:24,811
Thank you, Doctor.

200
00:11:30,352 --> 00:11:32,692
Not sure about this
piece about optimism.

201
00:11:32,712 --> 00:11:35,651
Are you questioning
the judgment of a superior officer?

202
00:11:35,671 --> 00:11:36,972
Er, yes. Good.

203
00:11:36,992 --> 00:11:39,972
So as a superior officer, of course,
I shall ignore you.

204
00:11:39,992 --> 00:11:43,412
Seriously, do you not think it's
gone a little bit too far?

205
00:11:43,432 --> 00:11:46,132
How can you accuse me of going too
far - when the entire

206
00:11:46,152 --> 00:11:49,172
24th Division has gone precisely ten
yards in the last six months?

207
00:11:49,192 --> 00:11:51,952
And that was sideways. I'm just
saying we have to be careful.

208
00:11:53,032 --> 00:11:55,811
Yes, I guess you are right.
We must be responsible.

209
00:11:55,831 --> 00:11:59,292
As will be made
clear in my editorial.

210
00:11:59,312 --> 00:12:00,852
You haven't written an editorial.

211
00:12:00,872 --> 00:12:02,572
How's your shorthand? Non-existent.

212
00:12:02,592 --> 00:12:04,232
Good. Take this down.

213
00:12:07,952 --> 00:12:10,332
Editorial.

214
00:12:10,351 --> 00:12:12,632
Excellent.

215
00:12:15,072 --> 00:12:20,972
Having managed to pick up a printing
press, slightly soiled,

216
00:12:20,992 --> 00:12:23,892
at a very reasonable price,

217
00:12:23,912 --> 00:12:26,452
we have decided to produce a paper.

218
00:12:26,472 --> 00:12:29,252
There is much
we would like to say in it,

219
00:12:29,271 --> 00:12:34,292
but the shadows of censorship
enveloping us,

220
00:12:34,312 --> 00:12:39,812
cause us to refer to the war that we
hear is taking place in Europe...

221
00:12:39,831 --> 00:12:42,232
Careful... In a cautious manner.

222
00:12:44,152 --> 00:12:48,232
We apologise for any shortcomings
in production of our paper...

223
00:12:49,992 --> 00:12:51,232
on account of...

224
00:12:53,552 --> 00:12:55,172
Editorial inexperience?

225
00:12:55,191 --> 00:12:56,532
Quite so.

226
00:12:56,552 --> 00:12:58,652
We hope to publish The Times weekly,

227
00:12:58,672 --> 00:13:03,172
despite the attentions of Messrs Hun
and co.

228
00:13:03,192 --> 00:13:05,212
Our local rivals. Excellent!

229
00:13:05,232 --> 00:13:08,332
And we take this opportunity
of stating that we accept

230
00:13:08,352 --> 00:13:10,792
no responsibility for the views
expressed. We?

231
00:13:12,312 --> 00:13:15,012
Yes. And we disassociate
ourselves from any

232
00:13:15,032 --> 00:13:16,852
statements in the advertisements.

233
00:13:16,872 --> 00:13:19,132
Well, that bit's true.
There are no advertisements.

234
00:13:19,152 --> 00:13:20,292
No? Why Not?

235
00:13:20,312 --> 00:13:24,452
There's a problem with potential
advertisers such as theatres,

236
00:13:24,472 --> 00:13:27,172
restaurants, hotels,
small businesses et cetera...

237
00:13:27,192 --> 00:13:28,372
Well, what's the problem?

238
00:13:28,392 --> 00:13:31,212
There aren't any.
They've all been blown to buggery.

239
00:13:31,232 --> 00:13:33,173
Is that anywhere near Poperinghe?

240
00:13:33,192 --> 00:13:36,492
No, it's not. And you didn't hear
that, Sergeant, did you?

241
00:13:36,512 --> 00:13:39,172
No, sir, but it was most amusing.

242
00:13:39,192 --> 00:13:40,453
Harris, you're our expert.

243
00:13:40,472 --> 00:13:44,052
We can't be a proper newspaper
without advertisements, can we?

244
00:13:44,072 --> 00:13:46,972
No, sir,
that's what the front page is for.

245
00:13:46,992 --> 00:13:48,032
So what do we do?

246
00:14:16,872 --> 00:14:20,792
Taxi! Taxi! I say, Taxi!

247
00:14:21,993 --> 00:14:24,333
'Are you having trouble getting
home?

248
00:14:24,352 --> 00:14:28,812
'Not any more, with our fleet
of handsomely-appointed taxicabs.'

249
00:14:28,833 --> 00:14:32,013
But how will I recognise your taxis?

250
00:14:32,032 --> 00:14:34,912
'Easy, they have a red cross
painted on each side.'

251
00:14:44,753 --> 00:14:46,413
'Is your friend a soldier?

252
00:14:46,432 --> 00:14:52,733
'Do you know what he wants?
No? We do.

253
00:14:52,752 --> 00:14:55,252
'Send him one of our latest improved
combination umbrella

254
00:14:55,272 --> 00:14:56,413
'and wire cutter.

255
00:14:56,433 --> 00:14:59,332
'No more nasty colds caught
when cutting the wire.

256
00:14:59,352 --> 00:15:03,332
'He will be absolutely delighted with
the combination umbrella

257
00:15:03,352 --> 00:15:04,493
'and wire cutter.

258
00:15:04,513 --> 00:15:06,892
'Just 15 francs.

259
00:15:06,912 --> 00:15:08,132
'Quite right, Miss.

260
00:15:08,152 --> 00:15:11,733
'Now you can rest assured
your soldier friend will stay fit

261
00:15:11,753 --> 00:15:13,872
'and healthy out in no man's land.'

262
00:15:20,993 --> 00:15:23,453
'Calling all harassed subalterns.'

263
00:15:23,472 --> 00:15:25,252
Who? Me?

264
00:15:25,272 --> 00:15:28,692
'Yes, you. Is your life miserable?

265
00:15:28,712 --> 00:15:31,413
'Do you hate your company commander?'

266
00:15:31,432 --> 00:15:33,173
'Of course you do.

267
00:15:33,193 --> 00:15:37,192
'Then why not buy him one of our
patent "tip me up" duckboards?'

268
00:15:38,432 --> 00:15:41,253
But how does the "tip me
up" duckboard work?

269
00:15:41,273 --> 00:15:43,973
'You just get your company commander
on the end...

270
00:15:43,993 --> 00:15:45,913
'and the duckboard does the rest.

271
00:15:49,832 --> 00:15:51,892
'Every time a blighty!

272
00:15:51,913 --> 00:15:54,733
'That's our promise. Remember...

273
00:15:54,752 --> 00:15:56,932
'if once he steps onto the end,

274
00:15:56,952 --> 00:15:59,753
'to take a month his face to mend.'

275
00:16:00,912 --> 00:16:02,832
Thank you, "tip me up" duckboard.

276
00:16:06,913 --> 00:16:09,493
Excellent work, Sergeant.
When can we roll the pressers?

277
00:16:09,513 --> 00:16:10,893
Soon as it eases off a bit, sir.

278
00:16:10,913 --> 00:16:13,093
Surely you're not
bothered by a spot of rain?

279
00:16:13,113 --> 00:16:16,093
No. It's more the bombardment, sir.

280
00:16:16,113 --> 00:16:18,933
Fritz is getting a bit too close
to the print room to be pleasant.

281
00:16:18,953 --> 00:16:21,933
Well, when Herman knocks off for his
evening sausage let's print

282
00:16:21,953 --> 00:16:23,453
the blighter.

283
00:16:27,353 --> 00:16:29,093
Everything all right? I'm fine,
Sar'nt.

284
00:16:29,113 --> 00:16:31,393
Not you, the print blocks.
Get in there.

285
00:16:41,713 --> 00:16:44,653
Don't get your hand
caught in the plate, Dodd.

286
00:16:44,673 --> 00:16:46,113
Or you'll come a cropper.

287
00:16:48,553 --> 00:16:49,933
A phrase, incidentally,

288
00:16:49,953 --> 00:16:52,333
derived from the printing presses of
HS Cropper.

289
00:16:52,353 --> 00:16:54,573
Do you know that?
That's very interesting, Sar'nt.

290
00:16:54,593 --> 00:16:57,193
As is the phrase "mind your Ps and
Qs".

291
00:16:58,193 --> 00:17:01,853
It comes from a common mistaking of
the P for the Q in a tray of type.

292
00:17:01,873 --> 00:17:03,733
That's even more interesting,
Sar'nt.

293
00:17:03,753 --> 00:17:06,573
Whereas, the expression "get the
wrong end of the stick",

294
00:17:06,593 --> 00:17:09,373
that comes from grabbing the wrong
end of the compositing stick

295
00:17:09,393 --> 00:17:11,253
and getting your hand
covered in ink.

296
00:17:11,273 --> 00:17:15,253
It means thinking you're being interesting
when really... Yes, Henderson?

297
00:17:15,273 --> 00:17:17,653
Very, very interesting indeed,
Sar'nt.

298
00:17:17,673 --> 00:17:18,713
Correct.

299
00:17:22,193 --> 00:17:25,493
Right, here we go. Grab it, Smith.

300
00:17:25,513 --> 00:17:26,673
There it is, Sar'nt.

301
00:17:29,073 --> 00:17:32,273
Now, the result, if I say it myself,
is a thing of beauty.

302
00:17:33,673 --> 00:17:34,913
Unlike any of you lot.

303
00:18:16,834 --> 00:18:19,834
Oi, Bill, this Wipers Times does what
it says!

304
00:18:30,033 --> 00:18:32,693
Have you seen this poppycock, sir?

305
00:18:32,714 --> 00:18:33,893
Yes, I have.

306
00:18:33,913 --> 00:18:35,614
It's downright insubordination.

307
00:18:35,633 --> 00:18:37,973
That's maybe why the men
seem to like it.

308
00:18:37,993 --> 00:18:41,374
The men also like the ladies of the
Poperinghe Fancies.

309
00:18:41,393 --> 00:18:44,293
Neither are exactly conducive to
winning the war.

310
00:18:44,313 --> 00:18:47,654
Really? Have you seen the ladies
of the Poperinghe Fancies?

311
00:18:47,674 --> 00:18:48,693
Of course not!

312
00:18:48,713 --> 00:18:50,173
I think they're doing their bit.

313
00:18:50,193 --> 00:18:51,934
Jolly, buxom girls.

314
00:18:51,953 --> 00:18:54,213
They can't sing,
they can't dance, but...

315
00:18:54,234 --> 00:18:57,294
no-one seems to care, particularly.

316
00:18:57,313 --> 00:19:01,134
I believe the chaps call them
glycerine and Vaseline.

317
00:19:01,153 --> 00:19:04,294
No idea why. We're getting off the
point here, sir.

318
00:19:04,313 --> 00:19:07,134
Which is surely that some
of the material in this publication

319
00:19:07,154 --> 00:19:09,933
is not merely unsuitable,
it's downright treasonable.

320
00:19:09,953 --> 00:19:11,453
Like what, in particular?

321
00:19:11,473 --> 00:19:12,514
Like this.

322
00:19:15,553 --> 00:19:18,254
Answers to correspondence.

323
00:19:18,274 --> 00:19:20,454
Whoever wrote this should be
court-martialed.

324
00:19:20,474 --> 00:19:23,574
Like this item advising young
officers not to wear turned-up

325
00:19:23,594 --> 00:19:26,533
slacks or shoes
when going over the top?

326
00:19:26,553 --> 00:19:28,694
What? Lovely, sound advice.

327
00:19:28,713 --> 00:19:31,654
A chap wearing turned-up
slacks on the battlefield not only

328
00:19:31,674 --> 00:19:33,413
looks a bloody fool,

329
00:19:33,434 --> 00:19:37,414
but he advertises the fact he's
an officer to any half-awake sniper.

330
00:19:37,434 --> 00:19:40,813
No, no, no. That is
not the offending article.

331
00:19:40,834 --> 00:19:42,733
I'm referring to this response

332
00:19:42,754 --> 00:19:45,374
to a supposed query from a
junior officer.

333
00:19:45,394 --> 00:19:46,894
"Dear Subaltern."

334
00:19:46,914 --> 00:19:47,974
"No."

335
00:19:47,994 --> 00:19:50,214
"The death penalty is not enforced"

336
00:19:50,234 --> 00:19:52,974
"in the case of murdering a senior
officer,"

337
00:19:52,993 --> 00:19:56,734
"as you will always be able to claim
extenuating circumstances."

338
00:20:00,074 --> 00:20:01,773
That's a joke.

339
00:20:01,793 --> 00:20:04,533
It's an incitement to mutiny,
I'll have him shot.

340
00:20:04,554 --> 00:20:06,074
Not if he shoots you first.

341
00:20:09,313 --> 00:20:10,973
That's also a joke.

342
00:20:10,994 --> 00:20:12,694
The war is not funny, sir.

343
00:20:12,714 --> 00:20:15,134
I think the authors
are aware of that.

344
00:20:15,154 --> 00:20:17,273
I have a feeling that may be the
point.

345
00:20:18,994 --> 00:20:20,614
I mean...

346
00:20:20,634 --> 00:20:24,394
It's not all cocking a snook
at the general staff, although...

347
00:20:25,994 --> 00:20:27,814
quite a bit of it is.

348
00:20:27,833 --> 00:20:31,134
I mean, some bits are deadly
serious - words from the heart.

349
00:20:31,154 --> 00:20:32,374
Such as?

350
00:20:32,394 --> 00:20:34,774
"People we take our hats
off to - The French at Verdun,"

351
00:20:34,794 --> 00:20:36,854
"the British Navy at Jutland,"

352
00:20:36,874 --> 00:20:39,254
"and the Canadians at Ypres."

353
00:20:39,274 --> 00:20:43,174
Saluting our fallen comrades is
hardly sedition, is it?

354
00:20:43,193 --> 00:20:46,094
They also take their hats
off to the officer in charge

355
00:20:46,114 --> 00:20:49,534
of the costume department
of the Poperinghe Fancies.

356
00:20:49,554 --> 00:20:52,014
They are just a gang of backchat
comedians deliberately

357
00:20:52,034 --> 00:20:56,134
undermining morale with this
impertinent, unpatriotic rag.

358
00:20:56,154 --> 00:21:00,254
Could you think of anything more likely
to produce discontent amongst the men?

359
00:21:00,274 --> 00:21:02,074
Yes. Banning it.

360
00:21:20,355 --> 00:21:23,494
Put your back into it, Henderson.
Sir.

361
00:21:23,515 --> 00:21:26,294
Sergeant, we're running out of
timber.

362
00:21:29,354 --> 00:21:33,014
Go see if you can borrow something
from the communications line.

363
00:21:33,034 --> 00:21:36,414
Henderson. Barnes. You
work on the parapets.

364
00:21:36,434 --> 00:21:37,674
Yes, sir.

365
00:21:38,995 --> 00:21:43,074
Keep down, Barnesy, unless you want
sniper taking your head off.

366
00:21:46,194 --> 00:21:48,654
Smith. Dodd. Start on the supports.

367
00:21:48,674 --> 00:21:50,014
Do I have to work with Dodd, sir?

368
00:21:50,034 --> 00:21:52,014
Yes, you do. Poor Dodd drew
the short straw.

369
00:21:52,035 --> 00:21:53,255
Now get on with it, Smith.

370
00:21:53,275 --> 00:21:54,495
What's the plan?

371
00:21:54,514 --> 00:21:56,054
What I think we should do, Jack...

372
00:21:57,554 --> 00:22:01,334
Up the cover price, get in some new
writers and cut down on the poetry.

373
00:22:01,355 --> 00:22:05,214
You don't think you might be getting rather
obsessed with the paper? Don't be ridiculous.

374
00:22:05,234 --> 00:22:07,574
I'm a model commanding officer
executing my duties

375
00:22:07,594 --> 00:22:08,895
in exemplary fashion.

376
00:22:13,114 --> 00:22:14,814
What do you think of the poetry?

377
00:22:14,834 --> 00:22:19,735
I think poetry's essential in the
modern battlefield. A bit like mud.

378
00:22:19,754 --> 00:22:21,734
If only it were just mud.

379
00:22:21,754 --> 00:22:27,334
Yes. Perhaps, better not
dwell on the... unmentionables.

380
00:22:27,354 --> 00:22:28,515
Better left unsaid.

381
00:22:31,874 --> 00:22:34,415
That's why I'd rather
think about the paper.

382
00:22:34,434 --> 00:22:37,535
It's important to me
because it's not important.

383
00:22:37,555 --> 00:22:39,574
Dear. You're getting aphoristic.

384
00:22:39,595 --> 00:22:41,594
Am I? Apologies.

385
00:22:43,634 --> 00:22:45,095
So what are we thinking?

386
00:22:45,115 --> 00:22:47,455
I think we should crack out
another couple of issues.

387
00:22:47,474 --> 00:22:50,494
And if it keeps going this well,
try and sell it back home.

388
00:22:50,514 --> 00:22:52,014
You're getting obsessed.

389
00:22:54,155 --> 00:22:57,754
Listen. Listen, Fritz is in
fine voice.

390
00:23:02,115 --> 00:23:05,535
What are they singing, sir?
Sounds like an hymn, sir.

391
00:23:05,555 --> 00:23:07,094
It is.

392
00:23:07,114 --> 00:23:08,855
It's called the Hymn Of Hate.

393
00:23:08,874 --> 00:23:10,595
It goes something like this...

394
00:23:12,754 --> 00:23:14,835
You we will hate with
a lasting hate.

395
00:23:16,875 --> 00:23:18,594
We will never forego our hate.

396
00:23:20,355 --> 00:23:23,694
Hate by water and hate by land.

397
00:23:23,714 --> 00:23:27,235
Hate of the head
and hate of the hand.

398
00:23:29,075 --> 00:23:32,074
Hate of the hammer,
hate of the crown.

399
00:23:33,154 --> 00:23:36,115
Hate of 70 millions choking down.

400
00:23:37,715 --> 00:23:40,735
We love as one. We hate as one.

401
00:23:40,755 --> 00:23:45,175
We have one foe and one alone.

402
00:23:46,755 --> 00:23:48,374
Eng-er-land.

403
00:23:48,394 --> 00:23:50,415
That's not very nice is it, sir?

404
00:23:50,434 --> 00:23:52,055
Spot-on, Dodd.

405
00:23:52,074 --> 00:23:54,134
We don't have any songs like that,
do we, sir?

406
00:23:54,155 --> 00:23:56,734
No, we don't and if we did they'd
certainly be a lot funnier.

407
00:23:56,754 --> 00:23:59,295
The Wipers Times should put that
right, sir.

408
00:23:59,315 --> 00:24:01,335
Good idea, Dodd.

409
00:24:01,355 --> 00:24:03,734
Since Dodd has joined
the editorial conference,

410
00:24:03,755 --> 00:24:06,415
I propose we take his excellent
suggestion on board

411
00:24:06,435 --> 00:24:09,695
and include something suitably
melodious in the issue.

412
00:24:09,715 --> 00:24:11,115
What do you have in mind?

413
00:24:12,475 --> 00:24:14,275
We all love the music hall, sir!

414
00:24:21,075 --> 00:24:24,415
Ladies and gentlemen!

415
00:24:24,434 --> 00:24:28,975
Welcome to the Cloth Hall at Ypres.

416
00:24:28,995 --> 00:24:32,895
Best ventilated hall in the town.

417
00:24:32,915 --> 00:24:35,775
Tonight, for your delectation,

418
00:24:35,795 --> 00:24:38,495
we proudly present
positively the greatest

419
00:24:38,515 --> 00:24:44,215
collection of performers ever
collected in one place at one time.

420
00:24:44,235 --> 00:24:49,375
Yes, it's Mr Thomas Atkins And Co in
their stupendous new revue,

421
00:24:49,395 --> 00:24:51,495
The Big Bangs Are Here.

422
00:24:54,995 --> 00:24:56,515
With music by Mr R Tillery.

423
00:24:59,395 --> 00:25:01,615
And not to mention
Mrs Miniworther,

424
00:25:01,635 --> 00:25:04,315
who always meets with
a thunderous reception.

425
00:25:05,755 --> 00:25:10,035
And not forgetting Bouncing Bertha,
who's only 17 inches high...

426
00:25:11,275 --> 00:25:13,755
but is guaranteed to bring
the house down.

427
00:25:15,275 --> 00:25:20,775
And, there's more, with Hind and
Berg, sword swallowers...

428
00:25:20,796 --> 00:25:22,535
and nail eaters.

429
00:25:23,755 --> 00:25:28,435
And introducing the world's favourite
comedian, Kaiser Bill...

430
00:25:29,755 --> 00:25:32,575
and his little Willie.

431
00:25:32,596 --> 00:25:35,075
That's the crown prince I'm talking
about.

432
00:25:36,115 --> 00:25:40,055
Thank you. But I promised you a song
and a song you shall have.

433
00:25:40,075 --> 00:25:44,215
A pleasing patriotic performance
from our very own privates -

434
00:25:44,236 --> 00:25:47,956
The Atkins brothers -
Thomas and Tommy.

435
00:26:07,035 --> 00:26:11,956
Yes, this show is going to run,
and run and run and run...

436
00:26:13,395 --> 00:26:16,975
Dodd, did you go swimming? Give its a
rest, Smithy I was switching patrols.

437
00:26:16,995 --> 00:26:18,116
As you were, Smith.

438
00:26:25,195 --> 00:26:29,315
Great news, Fred, apparently the war
will be over within the week.

439
00:26:30,436 --> 00:26:32,135
Says who?

440
00:26:32,155 --> 00:26:33,395
Says Hilaire Belloc.

441
00:26:34,996 --> 00:26:38,696
Didn't he say the war was going to
be over within the week last week?

442
00:26:38,716 --> 00:26:40,056
I rather think he did.

443
00:26:40,076 --> 00:26:42,136
And the week before.

444
00:26:42,155 --> 00:26:45,055
Now you're just jealous cos we don't
have a war expert of our own.

445
00:26:45,075 --> 00:26:47,375
Somebody who really knows what's
going on.

446
00:26:47,395 --> 00:26:52,256
Yes, you're right. Perhaps we should
employ our own Hilary Belloc.

447
00:26:52,276 --> 00:26:58,296
What about Belary Helloc?
I hear he's very well informed.

448
00:26:58,316 --> 00:26:59,575
Really?

449
00:26:59,595 --> 00:27:04,695
So what is Mr Helloc's latest
take on the war?

450
00:27:04,716 --> 00:27:05,856
Good evening.

451
00:27:05,875 --> 00:27:08,895
I'm the famous Belary Helloc
and tonight my subject is

452
00:27:08,915 --> 00:27:11,296
"why we are going to win the war."

453
00:27:11,316 --> 00:27:14,616
Everything points to a speedy
disintegration of the enemy.

454
00:27:14,636 --> 00:27:16,916
So let's just have a
look at the figures.

455
00:27:18,955 --> 00:27:21,976
There are 12 million
fighting men in Germany.

456
00:27:21,996 --> 00:27:25,856
Of these,
nine million are already killed,

457
00:27:25,876 --> 00:27:28,056
or are being killed as we speak.

458
00:27:28,076 --> 00:27:30,116
Leaving just three million.

459
00:27:31,316 --> 00:27:34,096
Of these 2,500,000
are temperamentally

460
00:27:34,116 --> 00:27:38,016
unsuitable for fighting owing to
obesity, due to eating sausages.

461
00:27:38,036 --> 00:27:44,256
This leaves us just 500,000
as the full German strength.

462
00:27:44,276 --> 00:27:51,949
Now, of these, 497,250 are suffering
from incurable diseases.

463
00:27:52,076 --> 00:27:53,976
And I think we know which ones.

464
00:27:53,996 --> 00:27:57,576
Leaving just 2,750 men.

465
00:27:57,595 --> 00:28:01,776
Of these,
2,150 are on the Eastern Front.

466
00:28:01,796 --> 00:28:07,976
And of the remaining 600, we see
that 584 are generals and staff.

467
00:28:07,996 --> 00:28:10,476
Thus we find, that
there are in fact just...

468
00:28:13,516 --> 00:28:16,136
16 men on the Western Front.

469
00:28:16,156 --> 00:28:20,576
Clearly not enough to resist one
final big push, or maybe two,

470
00:28:20,596 --> 00:28:23,336
or three - four at the very most.

471
00:28:23,356 --> 00:28:26,656
And that is why we are going
to win the war.

472
00:28:26,676 --> 00:28:29,955
If we haven't already
by the time you've heard this.

473
00:28:34,516 --> 00:28:37,076
Letters for you, sir.
Thank you, Henderson.

474
00:28:38,756 --> 00:28:40,316
Thank you.

475
00:28:42,836 --> 00:28:46,916
News from the home front.

476
00:28:48,956 --> 00:28:52,776
Has my wife been raising money for
noble causes,

477
00:28:52,796 --> 00:28:59,656
such as providing warm
woollens for war-worn Walloons?

478
00:28:59,676 --> 00:29:04,016
Is mine selling flags for blue body
belts for bucolic Belgians?

479
00:29:04,036 --> 00:29:05,076
Touche.

480
00:29:09,916 --> 00:29:13,297
Always a bit of a mixed blessing,
isn't it, a letter from home?

481
00:29:13,316 --> 00:29:16,256
A reminder of a land where gascons,

482
00:29:16,276 --> 00:29:19,856
whizz-bangs and mein und verfers
are not allowed.

483
00:29:19,877 --> 00:29:23,916
Good heavens - my wife has sent me
a clipping from the Tatler.

484
00:29:24,996 --> 00:29:27,056
We've been mentioned in Dispatches!

485
00:29:27,076 --> 00:29:29,256
What? Fame at last?

486
00:29:29,276 --> 00:29:31,336
What did they say?

487
00:29:31,356 --> 00:29:35,216
"We hear news from the front
of an amusing periodical designed"

488
00:29:35,237 --> 00:29:36,936
"to entertain the troops."

489
00:29:36,956 --> 00:29:41,336
"It is entitled The Wipers Times
after the town of Ypres"

490
00:29:41,356 --> 00:29:44,896
"where its enterprising
creators are currently quartered."

491
00:29:44,916 --> 00:29:50,896
"So, we salute the anonymous
wits of the 6th Division..."

492
00:29:50,916 --> 00:29:52,296
We're the 24th Division.

493
00:29:52,316 --> 00:29:53,536
Nincompoops.

494
00:29:53,556 --> 00:29:58,056
Dear. Appears we're not to be
famous after all.

495
00:29:58,076 --> 00:30:00,976
Damn journalists,
can't they get anything right?

496
00:30:00,997 --> 00:30:04,857
Is that a rhetorical question?

497
00:30:04,876 --> 00:30:07,936
It's Lieutenant Colonel Howfield's
ADC, sir.

498
00:30:07,956 --> 00:30:09,777
Little bobbing Bobby.

499
00:30:09,797 --> 00:30:12,716
The one who has little red star
flashes on his jim-jams?

500
00:30:19,156 --> 00:30:20,556
Captain, how can I help?

501
00:30:21,557 --> 00:30:22,596
Of course. Yes.

502
00:30:24,236 --> 00:30:26,296
Looking forward to it, sir.

503
00:30:26,316 --> 00:30:28,196
Thank you, Smith. Sir.

504
00:30:31,997 --> 00:30:34,617
Lieutenant Colonel Howfield
has granted us

505
00:30:34,636 --> 00:30:38,297
the privilege of a full inspection.

506
00:30:38,317 --> 00:30:39,736
When?

507
00:30:39,756 --> 00:30:42,837
Now. Initiate "Operation Panic".

508
00:30:45,796 --> 00:30:48,096
Where is that "tip me up" duckboard
when you need it?

509
00:30:48,116 --> 00:30:49,137
We under attack, sir?

510
00:30:49,157 --> 00:30:52,137
Quite the reverse. We've got an
inspection by the Divisional Staff,

511
00:30:52,157 --> 00:30:55,337
which means for as long as they're here,
there won't be any action at all.

512
00:30:55,356 --> 00:30:59,096
Not even our artillery would open fire
when there's a brass hat down here.

513
00:30:59,117 --> 00:31:02,376
Henderson, Dodd, shift these trays.
Put them under the books.

514
00:31:02,396 --> 00:31:04,576
Barnesy, get hold of this.

515
00:31:04,597 --> 00:31:06,177
To say an old adage -

516
00:31:06,196 --> 00:31:10,196
war is long periods of boredom
punctuated by sheer terror.

517
00:31:14,517 --> 00:31:16,196
Sir. At ease, Roberts.

518
00:31:17,797 --> 00:31:19,897
Hope I'm not interrupting anything.

519
00:31:19,916 --> 00:31:23,257
No, sir.
Well, I should be, shouldn't I?

520
00:31:23,277 --> 00:31:27,176
Boche obviously not keeping you
occupied, and vice versa.

521
00:31:27,196 --> 00:31:29,536
You've got time on your hands,
Roberts,

522
00:31:29,557 --> 00:31:33,496
and time is the soldier's
greatest enemy.

523
00:31:33,516 --> 00:31:35,536
Isn't it, Booby? Yes, sir.

524
00:31:35,556 --> 00:31:37,937
Apart from the gas
and the flamethrowers.

525
00:31:37,957 --> 00:31:40,377
So, are your boys fit, Roberts?

526
00:31:40,397 --> 00:31:41,856
As a fiddle, sir.

527
00:31:41,876 --> 00:31:44,397
Because the men have got to be
fit for the big push.

528
00:31:46,197 --> 00:31:48,057
What about you, Roberts?

529
00:31:48,077 --> 00:31:49,116
Keeping busy?

530
00:31:50,317 --> 00:31:52,217
As a bee, sir.

531
00:31:52,237 --> 00:31:55,436
So no distractions?
Finding things to do?

532
00:31:57,277 --> 00:31:58,377
Yes, sir.

533
00:31:58,397 --> 00:32:00,497
Doing our best to make a little
cover for the lads

534
00:32:00,516 --> 00:32:04,216
who are hanging onto the remnants
of Belgium in the teeth of every

535
00:32:04,237 --> 00:32:08,137
disadvantage, discomfort and peril.
Sir.

536
00:32:08,157 --> 00:32:11,157
So not too much "paperwork", then?

537
00:32:13,237 --> 00:32:14,517
Not at all, sir.

538
00:32:16,997 --> 00:32:18,697
That's good to hear,
isn't it, Bobby?

539
00:32:18,717 --> 00:32:20,137
Yes, sir.

540
00:32:20,157 --> 00:32:24,897
Because the problem with the whole
damn line is inaction.

541
00:32:24,916 --> 00:32:28,217
We're getting bogged down in a mire
of defensive passivity.

542
00:32:28,237 --> 00:32:30,017
There's no forward movement.

543
00:32:30,037 --> 00:32:34,057
No sorties, no raiding parties,
no mining activity.

544
00:32:34,077 --> 00:32:39,157
You're right, sir. It's almost as
if we were... entrenched.

545
00:32:41,237 --> 00:32:42,897
Quite so.

546
00:32:42,917 --> 00:32:45,657
And the question you have to ask
yourself, and you,

547
00:32:45,677 --> 00:32:51,557
particularly, as commander, Roberts,
is are you being offensive enough?

548
00:32:55,317 --> 00:32:56,357
I'm not sure, sir.

549
00:33:00,237 --> 00:33:02,757
Are we being offensive enough?
Pearson?

550
00:33:04,797 --> 00:33:05,837
No, sir. I...

551
00:33:07,357 --> 00:33:10,017
I think we could be a lot
more offensive.

552
00:33:10,038 --> 00:33:11,737
Good man, Pearson.

553
00:33:11,757 --> 00:33:16,357
So from now on, you're going
to be a lot more offensive.

554
00:33:17,557 --> 00:33:18,678
You hear that, men?

555
00:33:19,918 --> 00:33:26,017
From now on, we are all going to be
as offensive as possible.

556
00:33:27,677 --> 00:33:30,257
Very good, Roberts.

557
00:33:30,277 --> 00:33:31,978
Isn't it, Bobby?

558
00:33:31,997 --> 00:33:33,717
I'm not altogether sure, sir.

559
00:33:41,077 --> 00:33:44,438
You heard the colonel,
we must attack something.

560
00:33:46,358 --> 00:33:48,957
How about... stupid moustaches?

561
00:33:51,077 --> 00:33:55,057
Good idea.
Far too many of them around.

562
00:33:55,077 --> 00:33:57,157
I blame Charlie Chaplin.

563
00:34:03,077 --> 00:34:05,657
I say, that was a bit friendly.

564
00:34:05,677 --> 00:34:08,237
Put the gramophone on, would you?

565
00:34:27,157 --> 00:34:29,337
Well saved. No...

566
00:34:29,357 --> 00:34:33,637
It's not enough. Have to play the
piano. Dear.

567
00:35:40,918 --> 00:35:43,838
Bad news, sir. We've had a direct
hit.

568
00:35:53,478 --> 00:35:57,098
Bloody Boche. Excuse my French, sir.

569
00:35:57,117 --> 00:36:00,258
French excused, Sergeant.

570
00:36:00,277 --> 00:36:02,658
Is there nothing that can be done?

571
00:36:02,678 --> 00:36:04,698
I think it's finished, sir.

572
00:36:04,718 --> 00:36:06,598
It's the end of The Wipers Times.

573
00:36:09,158 --> 00:36:13,178
It was good while it lasted, Fred.

574
00:36:13,198 --> 00:36:16,177
I've tried, throughout this war,

575
00:36:16,198 --> 00:36:19,038
to maintain my sense of humour.

576
00:36:20,958 --> 00:36:26,118
But now I'm really unamused.

577
00:36:42,438 --> 00:36:44,418
What are you men so happy about?

578
00:36:44,438 --> 00:36:48,418
Captain Roberts.
He's on grand form tonight, sir.

579
00:36:48,438 --> 00:36:49,898
What do you mean?

580
00:36:49,918 --> 00:36:54,338
Well, the orders that he gave the men were not
strictly according to the drill manual. Really?

581
00:36:54,358 --> 00:36:58,898
Yes, sir. He said, "Fall in, you
blank, blank, blank, blank."

582
00:36:58,918 --> 00:37:01,658
"We're going up the blanking line
and if we see any blanking Boche,"

583
00:37:01,678 --> 00:37:06,898
"we're going to shove their blanking
bombs up their blanking... shirts."

584
00:37:06,919 --> 00:37:10,818
Did he actually say shirts, Dodd?
No, sir.

585
00:37:10,838 --> 00:37:12,858
You'll have to excuse
Captain Roberts.

586
00:37:12,878 --> 00:37:16,018
I'm afraid he's taken the loss
of the printer somewhat badly.

587
00:37:16,038 --> 00:37:17,318
Sir.

588
00:37:24,838 --> 00:37:28,258
At least the old girl has been
put to some use.

589
00:37:28,278 --> 00:37:30,779
A distinguished end to her
literary career.

590
00:37:30,798 --> 00:37:35,138
Part of a transverse
wall of C4 trench number six post.

591
00:37:35,159 --> 00:37:37,258
Men and party coming through.

592
00:37:37,278 --> 00:37:41,698
Well, I assumed it wasn't a
delegation from the general staff.

593
00:37:41,718 --> 00:37:44,698
You wouldn't find them
at this end of the muddy stick.

594
00:37:44,718 --> 00:37:46,098
You must be, Roberts.

595
00:37:46,119 --> 00:37:50,298
Sir. I hear you're quite the thorn in
the red hats' backsides.

596
00:37:50,318 --> 00:37:51,739
Good man.

597
00:37:51,759 --> 00:37:54,518
Off we go, boys. Good luck, Colonel.

598
00:38:00,799 --> 00:38:02,338
Who was that?

599
00:38:02,358 --> 00:38:04,978
Commanding officer
of the Royal Scots Fusiliers.

600
00:38:04,998 --> 00:38:07,259
Why was he wearing a French tin hat?

601
00:38:07,278 --> 00:38:09,938
A bit of a personality,
somewhat eccentric.

602
00:38:09,958 --> 00:38:12,418
Always suggesting the top brass
come down to the front

603
00:38:12,439 --> 00:38:13,658
and get a taste of the action.

604
00:38:13,679 --> 00:38:15,899
He won't last long, will he?
What's his name?

605
00:38:15,918 --> 00:38:17,038
Name's Churchill.

606
00:38:18,079 --> 00:38:20,058
Heard a rumour, sir.

607
00:38:20,078 --> 00:38:22,018
Don't tell me, the Kaiser has been

608
00:38:22,039 --> 00:38:25,339
arrested by Field Marshal
Hindenburg and shot as a spy?

609
00:38:25,359 --> 00:38:26,979
Not exactly, sir, no.

610
00:38:26,999 --> 00:38:30,259
It's a friend of a friend
of a friend, has told me...

611
00:38:30,279 --> 00:38:33,778
He happens to know the whereabouts
of a lovely little hand-jigger.

612
00:38:33,798 --> 00:38:35,258
Speak English, Sergeant.

613
00:38:35,278 --> 00:38:38,698
It's a printing press, sir. And word
has it there's a lot more type.

614
00:38:38,718 --> 00:38:40,338
Priceless, Sergeant.

615
00:38:40,358 --> 00:38:42,779
Only drawback, sir, is its current
location.

616
00:38:42,799 --> 00:38:44,939
Which is where? Hellfire Corner.

617
00:38:44,959 --> 00:38:48,978
Dear. That's the Hellfire Corner, the
most dangerous place on the Salient.

618
00:38:48,998 --> 00:38:50,538
Hottest place in the world, sir.

619
00:38:50,559 --> 00:38:53,739
Where life expectancy is about,
what? 60 seconds?

620
00:38:53,759 --> 00:38:55,738
If that, sir.

621
00:38:55,759 --> 00:38:57,618
Well, it would be an

622
00:38:57,638 --> 00:39:01,338
act of pure folly to risk lives
rescuing a printing press.

623
00:39:01,358 --> 00:39:04,059
So no sensible commanding officer
could possibly sanction it,

624
00:39:04,078 --> 00:39:05,338
is that clear?

625
00:39:05,359 --> 00:39:06,398
Very clear, sir.

626
00:39:07,398 --> 00:39:08,639
Good luck, Sergeant.

627
00:39:11,799 --> 00:39:15,579
Why do they call it Hellfire Corner,
Sar'nt? Why do you think, Dodd?

628
00:39:15,598 --> 00:39:19,738
Dodd doesn't think! Shut up, Smithy,
before Fritz shuts you up for good.

629
00:39:19,759 --> 00:39:21,739
This bloody thing weighs a ton.

630
00:39:21,758 --> 00:39:24,219
If you drop it you'll find out about
hellfire from me.

631
00:39:24,238 --> 00:39:25,279
Now run, you bugger!

632
00:39:30,799 --> 00:39:34,439
Well. So that is a hand jigger.

633
00:39:35,439 --> 00:39:36,699
Pardon my French.

634
00:39:36,718 --> 00:39:40,659
God bless this printer and all the
jokes who fail in her.

635
00:39:40,679 --> 00:39:42,579
Sir! Careful of the printer.

636
00:39:42,599 --> 00:39:44,219
Careful of the champagne more like.

637
00:39:44,239 --> 00:39:46,299
You mustn't waste this stuff
there's a war on.

638
00:39:46,318 --> 00:39:48,219
Is there? I had no idea.

639
00:39:48,238 --> 00:39:50,619
Better make sure the Germans
don't get hold of it.

640
00:39:54,479 --> 00:39:56,399
Too slow. There we go.

641
00:39:57,799 --> 00:40:00,139
How on earth did you get
hold of this?

642
00:40:00,159 --> 00:40:03,499
Well, I had a bit of luck at cards
with some of the brass hats

643
00:40:03,519 --> 00:40:04,979
billeted at the chateau.

644
00:40:04,999 --> 00:40:07,479
As it turned out,
magnificent cellar.

645
00:40:10,239 --> 00:40:11,339
To the hand jigger.

646
00:40:16,758 --> 00:40:19,339
Ladies and gentlemen,

647
00:40:19,359 --> 00:40:23,219
welcome to the latest
venue in our grand tour of Flanders.

648
00:40:23,239 --> 00:40:27,799
The Neuve Eglise Hippodrome,
where our doors are always open.

649
00:40:29,519 --> 00:40:33,139
Tonight, we are honoured to present
a show to die for.

650
00:40:33,159 --> 00:40:34,599
The grand new revue, Over The Top.

651
00:40:36,919 --> 00:40:41,459
Positively the greatest spectacular
performance ever staged.

652
00:40:41,479 --> 00:40:42,819
And topping the bill,

653
00:40:42,839 --> 00:40:46,579
it's musical merriment from our very
own sapper songbirds,

654
00:40:46,599 --> 00:40:51,639
Trench And Foot, with their
delightful ditty, Minor Worries.

655
00:42:00,680 --> 00:42:03,740
Gas! Gas! Gas!

656
00:42:36,839 --> 00:42:38,079
Looks good, Jack.

657
00:42:39,080 --> 00:42:43,699
Harris and his devils have
done a fine job.

658
00:42:48,440 --> 00:42:49,820
It's nothing to worry about.

659
00:42:49,839 --> 00:42:53,859
The quacks say I'll be right as rain
and back on the front line in no time.

660
00:42:53,880 --> 00:42:55,960
Are you sure? Thank you.

661
00:42:58,639 --> 00:43:00,660
I'm one of the lucky ones.

662
00:43:00,679 --> 00:43:02,619
I'm still here.

663
00:43:02,640 --> 00:43:04,259
Well, you were lucky.

664
00:43:04,279 --> 00:43:06,900
Apparently, Fritz has developed
a new type of stink bomb.

665
00:43:06,920 --> 00:43:10,620
Makes you wretch so you have to take off your
gas mask and then the chlorine kills you.

666
00:43:10,640 --> 00:43:11,659
Fiendish.

667
00:43:15,479 --> 00:43:16,599
Excuse me.

668
00:43:28,160 --> 00:43:29,479
What about Henderson?

669
00:43:33,999 --> 00:43:35,820
I'm very sorry.

670
00:43:35,840 --> 00:43:38,939
Well, the good news is, we still
have plenty of material

671
00:43:38,959 --> 00:43:41,060
coming in from our distinguished
contributors.

672
00:43:41,080 --> 00:43:44,620
Please, tell me it isn't all poetry.
Fine. It isn't all poetry.

673
00:43:44,640 --> 00:43:47,100
That's a lie. It is all poetry.

674
00:43:47,120 --> 00:43:49,540
Damn and blast.
Alert the medical orderlies, Jack.

675
00:43:49,560 --> 00:43:52,180
There's been a serious
outbreak of poet-itus.

676
00:43:52,200 --> 00:43:54,460
Subalterns are being seen with
notebook in one hand,

677
00:43:54,480 --> 00:43:55,500
a bomb in the other,

678
00:43:55,520 --> 00:43:58,699
absently walking near the wire
in deep communion with the muse.

679
00:43:58,720 --> 00:44:01,340
It's probably
because spring is in the air.

680
00:44:01,360 --> 00:44:02,660
The picture of little lambs

681
00:44:02,680 --> 00:44:05,980
gambolling among the whizz-bangs is
so beautiful and romantic.

682
00:44:06,000 --> 00:44:08,019
I've had enough verse. Doctor!

683
00:44:08,040 --> 00:44:10,260
I demand an injection of prose.

684
00:44:10,280 --> 00:44:15,740
What we do have is,
a lot of letters to the editor.

685
00:44:15,760 --> 00:44:19,100
This chap here wants to know why we
don't write more about the war.

686
00:44:19,120 --> 00:44:21,820
I rather thought we did? No the
"wider" war.

687
00:44:21,840 --> 00:44:23,660
The "big picture" et cetera.

688
00:44:23,680 --> 00:44:26,940
We can't write about the "wider war"
because we have no idea what's going on.

689
00:44:26,960 --> 00:44:30,660
We're just fighting in it. Well, it's lucky
we have illustrious war correspondents

690
00:44:30,680 --> 00:44:32,860
like William Beach Thomas to keep us
informed.

691
00:44:32,880 --> 00:44:35,060
Teach Bomas? That idiot.

692
00:44:35,080 --> 00:44:37,620
Are you trying to make me feel worse?
He's highly respected

693
00:44:37,641 --> 00:44:40,420
because he always manages to write
from the "thick of the action".

694
00:44:40,440 --> 00:44:44,060
Funny how we've never actually seen him
though, isn't it? Fred, you're being cynical.

695
00:44:44,080 --> 00:44:47,440
He must know what he's talking
about. He's in the Daily Mail.

696
00:44:53,040 --> 00:44:58,800
I am here, in no man's land,
where all hell has broken loose.

697
00:45:03,561 --> 00:45:07,860
The air is thick with bullets
and shells but I don't mind that.

698
00:45:07,880 --> 00:45:10,220
And now I'm climbing up
a conveniently dangling

699
00:45:10,240 --> 00:45:11,960
rope into an observation balloon.

700
00:45:13,640 --> 00:45:15,580
I'm now right above the battle

701
00:45:15,600 --> 00:45:21,941
and looking down on the gallant
charge of the, Umpshires.

702
00:45:21,960 --> 00:45:29,061
Yes. The brave men of the
13th Umpshire Regiment,

703
00:45:29,080 --> 00:45:31,900
charging straight at the
elite Prussian guard -

704
00:45:31,920 --> 00:45:33,660
who are all surrendering.

705
00:45:33,680 --> 00:45:37,421
Yes, they are shouting, "Kamerad"
and putting up their hands.

706
00:45:37,441 --> 00:45:40,701
Same again, please.

707
00:45:40,721 --> 00:45:45,020
I am now over the German battle
lines where I can tell you,

708
00:45:45,040 --> 00:45:47,100
with complete confidence,

709
00:45:47,120 --> 00:45:51,141
that the cavalry are laying down a
barrage of shells,

710
00:45:51,160 --> 00:45:53,980
whilst the submarines have
advanced into the wood.

711
00:45:54,001 --> 00:45:57,940
This has been me,
William Teach Bomas,

712
00:45:57,960 --> 00:46:01,261
writing exclusively from the middle
of the bottle. Sorry, battle.

713
00:46:01,281 --> 00:46:02,781
Stop it, Jack. You're hurting me.

714
00:46:02,801 --> 00:46:05,941
Shhh, would you two, please, behave!

715
00:46:05,961 --> 00:46:10,461
There are very sick men here.
This is not the Palace of Varieties.

716
00:46:10,481 --> 00:46:12,641
No, no,
the girls here are much prettier.

717
00:46:22,401 --> 00:46:24,220
Splendid, Harris, that's much better

718
00:46:24,240 --> 00:46:29,080
I think he'll be very pleased with
that. Thank you, sir.

719
00:46:35,561 --> 00:46:37,420
What is it, Barnes?

720
00:46:37,440 --> 00:46:39,620
Are you still taking submissions,
sir?

721
00:46:39,640 --> 00:46:42,301
We are as long as there is no
poetry.

722
00:46:42,321 --> 00:46:45,181
The editor has decided
he is sick of rhyme.

723
00:46:45,201 --> 00:46:48,220
The paper cannot
live by poems alone.

724
00:46:49,721 --> 00:46:51,120
What have you got for me?

725
00:46:52,681 --> 00:46:53,901
Nothing, sir.

726
00:46:53,921 --> 00:46:55,321
Show me.

727
00:47:04,040 --> 00:47:08,201
To My Chum. Sounds suspiciously
like a poem to me, Barnes.

728
00:47:09,681 --> 00:47:11,280
It's about Henderson, sir.

729
00:47:14,840 --> 00:47:17,801
Well, I'm sure we can make
an exception in that case.

730
00:47:21,881 --> 00:47:24,980
"No more we'll share the same old
barn."

731
00:47:25,000 --> 00:47:27,961
"The same old dug-out
the same old yarn."

732
00:47:29,281 --> 00:47:30,921
"No more a tin of bully share."

733
00:47:32,041 --> 00:47:34,521
"Nor split our rum
by a star-shell's glare."

734
00:47:35,960 --> 00:47:37,200
"So long, old lad."

735
00:47:38,801 --> 00:47:43,181
"What times we've had
both good and bad."

736
00:47:43,201 --> 00:47:46,421
"We've shared what
shelter could be had."

737
00:47:46,441 --> 00:47:50,141
"The same crump-hole when the
whizz-bangs shrieked."

738
00:47:50,161 --> 00:47:52,601
"The same old billet
that always leaked."

739
00:47:54,001 --> 00:47:56,961
"And now - you've stopped one."

740
00:47:59,801 --> 00:48:02,621
"We'd weathered the storms two
winters long."

741
00:48:02,641 --> 00:48:04,620
"We'd managed to grin
when all went wrong."

742
00:48:04,641 --> 00:48:07,001
"Because together we'd fought
and fed."

743
00:48:08,441 --> 00:48:13,121
"Our hearts were light
but now, you're dead..."

744
00:48:14,961 --> 00:48:16,121
"and I am mate-less."

745
00:48:41,281 --> 00:48:46,201
Missed, bad luck.
Not artillery by any chance?

746
00:48:49,281 --> 00:48:53,181
Sir. Good to see you, Fred. Fully
recovered?

747
00:48:53,201 --> 00:48:54,381
Fighting fit, sir.

748
00:48:54,402 --> 00:48:56,681
Ready to be as "offensive"
as possible?

749
00:48:58,721 --> 00:49:03,021
Excellent.
So now it's The Kemmel Times?

750
00:49:03,042 --> 00:49:04,822
Well, they will keep moving us
around, sir,

751
00:49:04,841 --> 00:49:06,901
and now we seem to have
become infantry.

752
00:49:06,921 --> 00:49:10,741
Modern warfare's
all about flexibility, Fred.

753
00:49:10,761 --> 00:49:14,381
Take the cavalry, now they're riding
tanks. Whatever next?

754
00:49:14,401 --> 00:49:17,461
Anyway, you'd be glad to hear you're
going to have a change of scenery.

755
00:49:17,481 --> 00:49:20,641
Your days in the Salient are over.

756
00:49:22,522 --> 00:49:24,141
I'll miss it, sir.

757
00:49:24,162 --> 00:49:27,582
Unlike the Boche artillery, which has
made rather a mess of it.

758
00:49:27,602 --> 00:49:30,781
I'm not altogether keen on their
idea of landscape gardening.

759
00:49:30,801 --> 00:49:33,121
I think you'll
prefer your next posting.

760
00:49:41,562 --> 00:49:44,381
Frere Jacques! Bonjour!

761
00:49:44,401 --> 00:49:45,501
How was leave?

762
00:49:45,521 --> 00:49:47,742
Well, Amiens really is most
agreeable.

763
00:49:47,762 --> 00:49:51,862
Top-notch cathedral which, sadly,
I didn't have time to visit.

764
00:49:51,881 --> 00:49:52,942
Here, fromage.

765
00:49:52,962 --> 00:49:54,862
Merci.

766
00:49:54,882 --> 00:49:56,821
Fromage Bleu. Merci buckets.

767
00:49:56,841 --> 00:49:59,861
But Madame Fifi assures me it's one
of the finest

768
00:49:59,881 --> 00:50:03,382
examples of Gothic Architecture
in Northern France.

769
00:50:03,402 --> 00:50:04,582
And Madame Fifi is...?

770
00:50:04,602 --> 00:50:06,542
Absolutely charming.

771
00:50:06,561 --> 00:50:10,261
Runs a delightful little club where
if you buy a bottle of champagne,

772
00:50:10,281 --> 00:50:12,422
the girls very kindly agree to
sit on your knee.

773
00:50:12,442 --> 00:50:14,502
You really must go there.

774
00:50:14,521 --> 00:50:17,102
In fact, everyone must go there.

775
00:50:17,121 --> 00:50:20,421
I'm giving all ranks one day's
leave in Amiens.

776
00:50:20,441 --> 00:50:22,221
And that's an order!

777
00:50:22,241 --> 00:50:23,662
It's a bit far, isn't it?

778
00:50:23,682 --> 00:50:25,702
It won't be - we're on the move
again.

779
00:50:25,722 --> 00:50:27,262
Really? Where to?

780
00:50:27,281 --> 00:50:29,582
You'll love it, apparently it's very
pretty, indeed.

781
00:50:29,601 --> 00:50:31,701
Capital. What's it called?

782
00:50:31,721 --> 00:50:33,022
The Somme.

783
00:50:48,482 --> 00:50:49,541
Zero minus three.

784
00:50:51,762 --> 00:50:54,502
I'm sorry, Jack, this
issue's a bit thin.

785
00:50:54,522 --> 00:50:56,702
Not even sure we'll make
the deadline.

786
00:51:00,442 --> 00:51:03,221
Well, we have had other
calls on our time.

787
00:51:03,241 --> 00:51:05,742
Perhaps we should wait and bring it
out after the grand show.

788
00:51:08,082 --> 00:51:11,482
No. I think
sooner is better than later.

789
00:51:17,122 --> 00:51:18,981
A harpsichord of hate...

790
00:51:19,001 --> 00:51:22,622
performed to an audience of terrified
Teutons.

791
00:51:22,642 --> 00:51:25,622
I rather like that. Yes?

792
00:51:25,642 --> 00:51:28,041
I must remember it if I ever get out
of this.

793
00:51:30,362 --> 00:51:32,342
Rum ration.

794
00:51:32,362 --> 00:51:35,662
Rum ration, Sergeant. It's time to
give the boys a tot.

795
00:51:35,682 --> 00:51:38,082
Sir.

796
00:51:43,722 --> 00:51:45,862
Dodd's too young. I'll have his.

797
00:51:45,881 --> 00:51:48,222
We don't want you incapable, Smith.

798
00:51:48,242 --> 00:51:49,662
How would you tell, Sar'nt?

799
00:51:49,682 --> 00:51:52,062
Any chance of seconds?

800
00:51:52,082 --> 00:51:53,702
No, it's bad for your health.

801
00:51:55,601 --> 00:51:59,562
Swine. Can't even let
a man have a drink in peace.

802
00:52:00,602 --> 00:52:04,622
S'cuse me for asking, sir,
but there's rumours going round.

803
00:52:04,642 --> 00:52:06,382
Is this the big push?

804
00:52:06,402 --> 00:52:09,982
I'm afraid such information is
hush-hush, Dodd. Who told you that?

805
00:52:10,002 --> 00:52:13,782
Germans, sir. They've been shouting
out across no man's land.

806
00:52:13,802 --> 00:52:15,942
Yes, well, perhaps it isn't
the best kept military

807
00:52:15,962 --> 00:52:18,642
secret in the history
of the British military.

808
00:52:24,362 --> 00:52:25,842
Zero minus one.

809
00:52:34,042 --> 00:52:37,302
All right, men. Just wanted to say,

810
00:52:37,322 --> 00:52:41,422
whatever happens, you know you can

811
00:52:41,442 --> 00:52:44,662
rely on the old division to give
a good account of itself.

812
00:52:44,682 --> 00:52:45,722
Even Dodd, sir?

813
00:52:47,002 --> 00:52:48,102
Especially Dodd.

814
00:52:48,122 --> 00:52:51,722
So, here to all you lads.

815
00:52:55,202 --> 00:52:59,182
The game's started, so keep the
ball rolling and remember,

816
00:52:59,202 --> 00:53:01,423
the only good Hun is a dead Hun.

817
00:53:15,842 --> 00:53:17,902
No jokes?

818
00:53:17,922 --> 00:53:19,082
A bit short of jokes.

819
00:53:24,562 --> 00:53:27,363
There was a young girl of the
Somme...

820
00:53:28,802 --> 00:53:30,602
Who sat on a number five bomb...

821
00:53:35,482 --> 00:53:38,362
She thought was a dud 'un
but it went off sudden...

822
00:53:40,202 --> 00:53:42,023
Her exit she made with aplomb.

823
00:54:10,563 --> 00:54:11,942
Did you know it's still going on?

824
00:54:11,962 --> 00:54:15,343
The War? Yes, apparently it is.

825
00:54:15,363 --> 00:54:17,503
No, this mutinous magazine.

826
00:54:17,523 --> 00:54:20,983
They promised to stop producing it,
erm, when the war is over.

827
00:54:21,002 --> 00:54:24,622
Just listen to this.
"Realising that men must laugh."

828
00:54:24,643 --> 00:54:28,223
"Some wise man devised the staff."

829
00:54:28,243 --> 00:54:29,822
Is that supposed to be funny?

830
00:54:29,843 --> 00:54:31,623
Well, it's funnier than what
I'm reading.

831
00:54:31,643 --> 00:54:36,662
It's a subversive attack on the
entire high command. It continues...

832
00:54:36,682 --> 00:54:41,062
"Let them lead the simple life far
from all our vulgar strife."

833
00:54:41,083 --> 00:54:43,343
My God, that's us
they're talking about.

834
00:54:43,362 --> 00:54:47,863
"Lest their relatives might grieve
often, often give them leave."

835
00:54:47,882 --> 00:54:52,623
"Decorations too, galore
What on earth could man wish more?"

836
00:54:52,643 --> 00:54:56,843
We cannot allow this scurrilous
insubordination to go unpunished.

837
00:54:59,083 --> 00:55:01,023
"And yet, alas, so goes the rumour."

838
00:55:01,043 --> 00:55:03,163
"The staff all lack
a sense of humour."

839
00:55:04,242 --> 00:55:05,343
Utter rubbish.

840
00:55:05,363 --> 00:55:06,783
It's not all rude rhymes.

841
00:55:06,803 --> 00:55:11,543
In fact, er, they've put in a rather
helpful glossary of military terms.

842
00:55:11,563 --> 00:55:12,943
Really?

843
00:55:12,963 --> 00:55:15,583
"Duds, there are two kinds -"

844
00:55:15,602 --> 00:55:19,182
"a shell on impact failing to
explode is called a dud."

845
00:55:19,203 --> 00:55:22,462
"These are unhappily less
plentiful on the other kind of dud."

846
00:55:22,483 --> 00:55:24,823
Go on. "The kind that draws a large
salary"

847
00:55:24,843 --> 00:55:28,983
"and explodes for no reason
far behind the fighting area."

848
00:55:29,003 --> 00:55:32,223
The battlefield is not
a place for humour!

849
00:55:32,243 --> 00:55:33,783
Humour, my dear Howfield,

850
00:55:33,803 --> 00:55:37,663
is what separates
civilisation from incivility.

851
00:55:37,682 --> 00:55:38,723
Us from the Boche.

852
00:55:40,002 --> 00:55:43,663
Whilst Roberts and his men are busy
writing poems poking fun at us

853
00:55:43,683 --> 00:55:48,063
brass hats, the Germans' equivalent
literary contribution is

854
00:55:48,083 --> 00:55:49,463
a hymn of hate.

855
00:55:49,483 --> 00:55:51,662
Have you heard it?
Course I've heard it.

856
00:55:51,683 --> 00:55:55,143
Has all the subtlety of a dawn
barrage from Big Bertha.

857
00:55:55,163 --> 00:55:58,023
What the Germans sing or don't
sing is irrelevant.

858
00:55:58,043 --> 00:56:00,263
We have to maintain
discipline in our army,

859
00:56:00,283 --> 00:56:03,503
or the result is defeatism
and anarchy.

860
00:56:03,523 --> 00:56:06,743
I still say something should be done
about Captain Roberts.

861
00:56:06,763 --> 00:56:08,683
Something has been done.

862
00:56:10,203 --> 00:56:13,243
He's been awarded
the Military Cross for gallantry.

863
00:56:17,923 --> 00:56:20,623
"Captain FJ Roberts, 12th Sherwood
Foresters,"

864
00:56:20,643 --> 00:56:23,223
"24th Division, for conspicuous
gallantry"

865
00:56:23,243 --> 00:56:29,663
"and devotion to duty in the battle
of the Somme on August 12th 1916."

866
00:56:29,683 --> 00:56:32,863
"Captain Roberts showed
outstanding leadership under fire"

867
00:56:32,883 --> 00:56:34,983
"as Company Commander."

868
00:56:35,003 --> 00:56:37,323
"Throughout he behaved most
gallantly."

869
00:57:05,844 --> 00:57:07,423
Maitre d', maitre d'?

870
00:57:07,443 --> 00:57:09,063
I-I was saying - Pearson.

871
00:57:09,083 --> 00:57:12,383
Pearson's priceless and Harris is
an ace with the inkies.

872
00:57:12,403 --> 00:57:15,263
And you'd be amazed at the sort of
stuff that comes in from the chaps.

873
00:57:15,283 --> 00:57:18,543
The spoofs of Kipling
and Sherlock Holmes and...

874
00:57:18,563 --> 00:57:20,823
the Rubaiyat of Omar whats-it.

875
00:57:20,843 --> 00:57:23,743
And limericks and jokes from all
sorts of unlikely...

876
00:57:23,763 --> 00:57:26,083
Slow down, Fred, I'm not going
anywhere.

877
00:57:27,283 --> 00:57:30,824
But did I tell you about the poet,
Gilbert Frankau contributing?

878
00:57:30,843 --> 00:57:34,063
Now there's someone who's actually
famous, now he's working for us.

879
00:57:34,084 --> 00:57:35,983
You did mention it once or twice.

880
00:57:36,004 --> 00:57:40,063
There's a very promising writer called Sherriff,
who's good at little dramatic squibs.

881
00:57:40,083 --> 00:57:44,023
And one of the men has started
carving drawings on wood blocks.

882
00:57:44,043 --> 00:57:48,384
So we're almost up there with the
Illustrated London News.

883
00:57:48,403 --> 00:57:50,264
You make it all sound such fun.

884
00:57:50,284 --> 00:57:52,983
It would be if the infernal
general staff didn't keep

885
00:57:53,004 --> 00:57:54,883
insisting on us
fighting all the time.

886
00:57:56,963 --> 00:58:00,304
Sommelier? Could we have another
bottle of the '97?

887
00:58:00,323 --> 00:58:02,703
Darling, can we afford all this?

888
00:58:02,723 --> 00:58:05,583
Of course we can't!
Not on a captain's pay.

889
00:58:05,603 --> 00:58:08,664
But as luck would have it,
I ran into a general in the boat home

890
00:58:08,684 --> 00:58:11,104
and I won a hand or two at cards.

891
00:58:11,124 --> 00:58:13,903
I do hope he's better at strategy
than he is at bridge.

892
00:58:13,923 --> 00:58:15,084
Same old Fred.

893
00:58:17,643 --> 00:58:18,684
Well, not quite.

894
00:58:51,763 --> 00:58:52,883
It's the quiet.

895
00:58:56,043 --> 00:58:57,084
It's keeping me awake.

896
00:59:00,724 --> 00:59:02,524
What's it really like?

897
00:59:07,084 --> 00:59:09,284
You know what the basis for this
war is?

898
00:59:11,084 --> 00:59:12,124
Mud.

899
00:59:15,844 --> 00:59:20,144
And sticking through the mud
at various places you can see

900
00:59:20,163 --> 00:59:21,403
pieces of towns.

901
00:59:24,044 --> 00:59:26,164
And out there are the trenches.

902
00:59:27,444 --> 00:59:31,184
One set for our men,
one for the Boche.

903
00:59:31,204 --> 00:59:33,204
With thick wire
fences in front of them.

904
00:59:36,604 --> 00:59:40,284
And time passes slowly.

905
00:59:43,404 --> 00:59:45,424
So, by way of amusement,

906
00:59:45,444 --> 00:59:50,824
one side will try to get in the
other's trench and bring back a man.

907
00:59:50,844 --> 00:59:52,764
And the score is
1-0 for the night.

908
00:59:55,524 --> 00:59:58,024
May seem a bit slow,
taking the enemy one by one,

909
00:59:58,044 --> 00:59:59,924
when there are millions
more out there.

910
01:00:01,564 --> 01:00:03,204
It all helps to pass the time.

911
01:00:04,964 --> 01:00:07,444
Till Christmas,
when the war's going to end.

912
01:00:08,764 --> 01:00:10,224
Is it?

913
01:00:10,244 --> 01:00:13,244
Yes.
We just don't know which Christmas.

914
01:00:15,364 --> 01:00:16,404
We are winning?

915
01:00:17,684 --> 01:00:21,644
I'm not sure anyone knows.

916
01:00:25,604 --> 01:00:26,924
I fought in a battle...

917
01:00:29,364 --> 01:00:33,525
which was an epic of futility.

918
01:00:36,764 --> 01:00:40,804
No-one could even speculate what the
battle was supposed to achieve.

919
01:00:42,684 --> 01:00:44,144
In fact, there was never the

920
01:00:44,164 --> 01:00:46,924
slightest chance of achieving
anything at all.

921
01:00:49,484 --> 01:00:51,964
Apart from the flower of
British manhood...

922
01:00:53,084 --> 01:00:56,064
being hurled to a squalid death.

923
01:00:56,084 --> 01:00:58,324
This isn't like you, Fred.
I'm sorry.

924
01:01:00,564 --> 01:01:02,624
Most of us
have been cured of any illusion

925
01:01:02,644 --> 01:01:05,724
we may have had about the pomp
and glory of war...

926
01:01:07,604 --> 01:01:12,804
and now know it as the vilest
disaster that can befall mankind.

927
01:01:20,644 --> 01:01:25,844
War is nothing more than
wallowing in a dirty ditch.

928
01:01:30,324 --> 01:01:31,444
Are you going back?

929
01:01:35,245 --> 01:01:36,284
Of course.

930
01:01:49,324 --> 01:01:51,665
'If you can live on bully
and a biscuit.

931
01:01:51,685 --> 01:01:54,944
'And thank your stars that
you've a tot of rum.

932
01:01:54,965 --> 01:01:56,745
'Dodge whizz-bangs with a grin.

933
01:01:56,765 --> 01:02:00,485
'And as you risk it, talk
glibly of the pretty way they hum.

934
01:02:01,685 --> 01:02:05,064
'If you can crawl through wire
and crump-holes reeking.

935
01:02:05,084 --> 01:02:07,065
'With feet of liquid mud.

936
01:02:07,084 --> 01:02:11,224
'And keep your head turned always
to the place which you are seeking.

937
01:02:11,244 --> 01:02:14,045
'Through dread of crying you will
laugh instead.

938
01:02:15,245 --> 01:02:18,145
'If you can grin, at last
when handing over.

939
01:02:18,165 --> 01:02:21,624
'And finish well, what you have well
begun.

940
01:02:21,644 --> 01:02:25,305
'And think a muddy ditch
a bed of clover.

941
01:02:25,324 --> 01:02:28,484
'You will be a soldier one day then
my son.'

942
01:02:38,445 --> 01:02:40,164
Section, halt!

943
01:02:43,285 --> 01:02:45,364
Give us a cigarette, Dodd.

944
01:02:47,125 --> 01:02:51,725
We must be here.
Because this, here, is over there.

945
01:02:52,725 --> 01:02:55,705
Where are we, sir?
If I'm not mistaken,

946
01:02:55,725 --> 01:02:57,605
we're back at Wipers.

947
01:02:59,445 --> 01:03:00,485
You sure, sir?

948
01:03:13,725 --> 01:03:14,765
Pretty sure.

949
01:03:20,165 --> 01:03:23,505
We've come a long way in the last
18 months, haven't we?

950
01:03:23,525 --> 01:03:25,404
I'd say approximately 30 yards.

951
01:03:28,805 --> 01:03:32,525
Find out what the hell monsieur
thinks he's up to, would you, Jack?

952
01:03:35,805 --> 01:03:37,305
Monsieur! Bonjour!

953
01:03:37,325 --> 01:03:39,265
Sergeant? Sir?

954
01:03:39,285 --> 01:03:41,145
Make sure the printer's
come in one piece.

955
01:03:41,165 --> 01:03:43,784
I thought the GS wagon
we put it on looked pretty ropey.

956
01:03:43,805 --> 01:03:45,365
Sir. Thank you.

957
01:03:49,085 --> 01:03:52,665
I don't think you're going to
believe this. Try me.

958
01:03:52,685 --> 01:03:54,825
He's with the Michelin guide.

959
01:03:54,845 --> 01:03:57,785
They're preparing a tourist
handbook for the battlefields.

960
01:03:57,805 --> 01:04:00,465
So this is...? This is going to
be a holiday destination?

961
01:04:00,485 --> 01:04:01,865
Apparently so.

962
01:04:01,885 --> 01:04:03,905
We should consider ourselves
fortunate

963
01:04:03,925 --> 01:04:06,665
we're among the first to have seen
the sights. Yes.

964
01:04:06,685 --> 01:04:10,065
Did you ask him to recommend any top
class restaurants in the vicinity?

965
01:04:10,085 --> 01:04:12,765
This is beyond parody.
You couldn't make it up.

966
01:04:14,325 --> 01:04:18,025
Right. Come on men. Forward march.

967
01:04:18,045 --> 01:04:19,085
Onwards.

968
01:04:20,845 --> 01:04:23,225
He'll be put out of a job soon.

969
01:04:23,245 --> 01:04:26,426
Should we see if the old editorial
den's still standing?

970
01:04:26,445 --> 01:04:28,145
It'll be like old times.

971
01:04:28,165 --> 01:04:32,885
Yes, very old times. Back
when there were no buildings at all.

972
01:04:42,805 --> 01:04:46,385
Tell me, Sergeant,
how many Es in Wenceslas?

973
01:04:46,405 --> 01:04:49,505
As many of the little
blighters as I can find, sir.

974
01:04:49,525 --> 01:04:51,386
Which, at the moment, is none.

975
01:04:51,405 --> 01:04:57,385
Very well. I always thought the good
king was over encumbered with Es.

976
01:04:57,406 --> 01:04:59,746
We're also short of paper, sir.

977
01:04:59,765 --> 01:05:03,945
We... We've got
a bumper Christmas issue to produce.

978
01:05:03,965 --> 01:05:06,066
I'm sure the readers will understand

979
01:05:06,085 --> 01:05:08,946
if the issue's less than
the advertised 20 pages.

980
01:05:08,965 --> 01:05:11,505
We've dropped
the pen in favour of the sword

981
01:05:11,526 --> 01:05:13,746
and gone to liberate some
French villages.

982
01:05:13,765 --> 01:05:17,745
No, we promised our readers 20 pages,
and 20 pages they shall have.

983
01:05:17,765 --> 01:05:19,506
Well, that's all well and good, sir,

984
01:05:19,525 --> 01:05:22,145
but it doesn't get
around our problem. No poo paper.

985
01:05:22,165 --> 01:05:25,505
If I can find something funny to
say about another Christmas

986
01:05:25,526 --> 01:05:27,385
on the front line...

987
01:05:27,405 --> 01:05:32,885
then I'm sure you can find
some paper in Ypres, Sergeant.

988
01:05:33,925 --> 01:05:35,065
I'll do my best, sir.

989
01:05:35,085 --> 01:05:36,766
Thank you.

990
01:05:38,525 --> 01:05:41,765
I had a profitable hand of Brag
with Bobbing Bobby.

991
01:05:44,525 --> 01:05:47,285
If this issue comes out at all
it'll be a miracle.

992
01:05:52,645 --> 01:05:54,785
A miracle at Christmas.

993
01:05:54,805 --> 01:05:58,986
This is the story of a soldier,
Alfred Higgins,

994
01:05:59,006 --> 01:06:03,825
or number 249921 Private Higgins A,

995
01:06:03,845 --> 01:06:06,585
as he was officially known.

996
01:06:06,605 --> 01:06:11,145
It was Christmas morning
and Alfred was holding the line.

997
01:06:11,166 --> 01:06:13,425
All was peace and goodwill.

998
01:06:13,445 --> 01:06:17,106
The Gas Gongs were chiming out
their message of joy to all mankind

999
01:06:17,125 --> 01:06:20,865
and the merry bark of the pipsqueak,
aided by the staccato cough of the

1000
01:06:20,885 --> 01:06:25,046
howitzer, combined to reassure Alfred
that all was well with the world.

1001
01:06:26,045 --> 01:06:31,066
Alfred began to doze, when at last
his sergeant came in sight.

1002
01:06:31,086 --> 01:06:32,945
"Higgins," said the Sergeant.

1003
01:06:32,966 --> 01:06:35,346
"Have you been drinking rum?"

1004
01:06:35,365 --> 01:06:39,066
"No, Sergeant. Honestly, Sergeant,"
said Higgins.

1005
01:06:39,085 --> 01:06:41,265
"Well, then," said the Sergeant.

1006
01:06:41,285 --> 01:06:43,345
"You must have some of mine."

1007
01:06:43,365 --> 01:06:46,426
Alfred was treated for severe shock

1008
01:06:46,446 --> 01:06:49,006
and never went to the
front line again.

1009
01:06:50,966 --> 01:06:54,146
A happy Christmas
and New Year to all!

1010
01:06:54,165 --> 01:06:57,325
And may next Christmas see
the whole damn business over.

1011
01:07:01,806 --> 01:07:03,586
Bravo, Fred.

1012
01:07:03,606 --> 01:07:06,006
A festive tale to gladden the heart.

1013
01:07:07,566 --> 01:07:09,586
It's given me an idea.

1014
01:07:09,606 --> 01:07:11,826
Permission to go into
the pub business?

1015
01:07:11,846 --> 01:07:15,126
Permission granted.
What on earth are you talking about?

1016
01:07:16,446 --> 01:07:19,545
All right. Merci. Demain.

1017
01:07:19,566 --> 01:07:22,946
Demain deux fois, deux fois encore.

1018
01:07:22,965 --> 01:07:24,006
Very good.

1019
01:07:25,886 --> 01:07:29,986
Welcome to the Foresters Arms.
Very impressive.

1020
01:07:30,006 --> 01:07:31,666
Well, something had to be done.

1021
01:07:31,686 --> 01:07:33,826
The ambulances can't keep up
with the casualties

1022
01:07:33,846 --> 01:07:36,066
and get the wounded back to base
quick enough, so...

1023
01:07:36,086 --> 01:07:38,186
it's a sort of first aid post.

1024
01:07:38,206 --> 01:07:40,665
Or, rather, thirst aid post?

1025
01:07:40,686 --> 01:07:42,186
I'm terribly sorry.

1026
01:07:42,206 --> 01:07:43,586
That's dreadful.

1027
01:07:43,606 --> 01:07:44,846
Well done, lads.

1028
01:07:50,966 --> 01:07:53,825
There we are. One franc.

1029
01:07:53,846 --> 01:07:55,186
I've no money, sir.

1030
01:07:55,206 --> 01:07:58,386
Dear. Well, then I shall have to
insist on giving it to you for free.

1031
01:07:58,406 --> 01:08:03,266
Cheers, sir. What the bloody hell is
going on here?!

1032
01:08:03,286 --> 01:08:06,146
You're meant to be a soldier
not a bloody publican.

1033
01:08:06,166 --> 01:08:08,386
Yes, sir, I was just... I want it
closed down immediately.

1034
01:08:08,406 --> 01:08:10,266
I'm afraid that's not possible.
What?

1035
01:08:10,286 --> 01:08:13,186
The Foresters Arms is providing
a vital service to these men

1036
01:08:13,206 --> 01:08:15,826
and following a petition from the
divisional chaplaincies,

1037
01:08:15,846 --> 01:08:19,066
the Foresters Arms has been authorised
to continue its essential work.

1038
01:08:19,086 --> 01:08:21,506
On whose authority?
General Mitford's?

1039
01:08:21,527 --> 01:08:22,946
Field Marshall Haig's?

1040
01:08:22,966 --> 01:08:24,006
Higher than that.

1041
01:08:27,566 --> 01:08:31,127
You damned devil dodgers are going
to undermine the whole war!

1042
01:08:40,326 --> 01:08:44,226
May I add my own note of caution,
Captain Pearson? Sir?

1043
01:08:44,246 --> 01:08:46,786
I hope this new venture,
however admirable,

1044
01:08:46,806 --> 01:08:49,146
will not get in the way
of your duties.

1045
01:08:49,166 --> 01:08:54,626
May I remind you that you are first
and foremost assistant editor

1046
01:08:54,646 --> 01:08:56,426
of The Wipers Times.

1047
01:08:56,446 --> 01:08:57,486
Yes.

1048
01:08:59,046 --> 01:09:03,907
The General Staff are under severe
pressure from the good ladies

1049
01:09:03,926 --> 01:09:06,227
of the Temperance Society.

1050
01:09:06,246 --> 01:09:08,066
Why?

1051
01:09:08,086 --> 01:09:12,706
From their unique vantage point
on the home front, they attribute

1052
01:09:12,726 --> 01:09:16,606
all the army's reverses in the
field to the effects of alcohol.

1053
01:09:17,607 --> 01:09:21,187
They seem to be under the impression
that the trenches are awash

1054
01:09:21,206 --> 01:09:22,466
with the demon drink.

1055
01:09:22,486 --> 01:09:24,467
I can't imagine why
they would think that.

1056
01:09:24,487 --> 01:09:27,426
Rum business, war.

1057
01:09:27,446 --> 01:09:30,107
But the high command has given
the ladies their blessing

1058
01:09:30,126 --> 01:09:33,507
and whether we like it or not,
we will all have to acknowledge that

1059
01:09:33,527 --> 01:09:36,066
alcohol is a serious issue.

1060
01:09:36,086 --> 01:09:37,406
So what do you propose?

1061
01:09:38,766 --> 01:09:42,226
Well, obviously,
we'll have to do our bit...

1062
01:09:42,246 --> 01:09:47,347
and place a suitable advertisement
in a responsible trench newspaper.

1063
01:09:47,367 --> 01:09:48,826
Do you have a drink habit?

1064
01:09:48,847 --> 01:09:50,346
Do you have a drink habit?

1065
01:09:50,367 --> 01:09:51,786
Do you have a drink habit?

1066
01:09:51,806 --> 01:09:56,427
If not, I can help you acquire
one in three days.

1067
01:09:56,447 --> 01:10:00,186
If you, or any one you know, does not
drink alcohol regularly,

1068
01:10:00,206 --> 01:10:04,347
they need my new book
Confessions Of An Alcohol Slave.

1069
01:10:04,367 --> 01:10:05,426
I can cure anyone.

1070
01:10:05,447 --> 01:10:07,087
Take this once sad wretch.

1071
01:10:10,647 --> 01:10:14,146
I was a rabid teetotaller for the
first 15 years of my life,

1072
01:10:14,166 --> 01:10:16,987
but thanks to Dr Supitup
and his miracle cure

1073
01:10:17,007 --> 01:10:19,147
I now never go to bed sober.

1074
01:10:19,167 --> 01:10:21,866
All cases are treated in
absolute confidence.

1075
01:10:21,887 --> 01:10:26,867
This incredible three-step guide to
being a bona fide toper is yours now.

1076
01:10:26,887 --> 01:10:30,187
Just write to me, Dr Supitup,
at Have Another Mansions,

1077
01:10:30,206 --> 01:10:31,807
in Bedfordshire.

1078
01:10:35,087 --> 01:10:36,467
You wanted to see me, sir?

1079
01:10:36,487 --> 01:10:37,787
Come in, Fred.

1080
01:10:37,807 --> 01:10:40,106
If it's about ragging
the Temperance Society...

1081
01:10:40,127 --> 01:10:41,466
No, no, no. It isn't,

1082
01:10:41,487 --> 01:10:45,227
though I have had complaints
that your version of the war

1083
01:10:45,247 --> 01:10:47,967
consists of nothing but wine,
women and song.

1084
01:10:49,806 --> 01:10:52,867
Well, there has been the odd
visit to Madame Fifi's.

1085
01:10:52,887 --> 01:10:55,147
I'd keep quiet about that
if I were you, Fred.

1086
01:10:55,166 --> 01:10:56,607
Madame Fifi's is closed.

1087
01:10:57,887 --> 01:11:01,107
Napoo Madame Fifi? Quelle damage.

1088
01:11:01,127 --> 01:11:04,547
Sadly she had to leave her cosy club
one dawn for an appointment

1089
01:11:04,567 --> 01:11:05,887
with the firing squad.

1090
01:11:07,527 --> 01:11:09,547
Madame Fifi was a spy?

1091
01:11:09,566 --> 01:11:12,227
Apparently she was extracting
information from excitable

1092
01:11:12,247 --> 01:11:13,266
young officers

1093
01:11:13,287 --> 01:11:15,267
and passing it straight to Berlin.

1094
01:11:15,287 --> 01:11:17,067
My conscience is clear, sir.

1095
01:11:17,087 --> 01:11:20,187
I can't have given anything
away about the war

1096
01:11:20,207 --> 01:11:21,827
because I don't know anything.

1097
01:11:21,847 --> 01:11:24,227
Like all British
officers on the front line,

1098
01:11:24,246 --> 01:11:26,827
I'm kept completely in the dark.

1099
01:11:26,846 --> 01:11:30,947
I am amazed that, after all this
time, you can find anything funny.

1100
01:11:30,967 --> 01:11:34,666
I don't know, sir. You would have
to concede that it is somewhat

1101
01:11:34,687 --> 01:11:39,627
comical that we have spent years
fighting our way through Flanders

1102
01:11:39,647 --> 01:11:42,047
only to end up right back
where we started.

1103
01:11:43,247 --> 01:11:47,787
Then I think you'll find the news
of your next deployment hilarious.

1104
01:11:47,807 --> 01:11:49,627
I can hardly wait, sir.

1105
01:11:49,647 --> 01:11:53,207
24th division is being sent
back to The Somme.

1106
01:11:56,167 --> 01:11:57,427
And why not, sir?

1107
01:11:57,447 --> 01:12:02,827
It was such a success last time,
why not do it all again?

1108
01:12:02,847 --> 01:12:05,667
That's the spirit. War's waking up.

1109
01:12:05,687 --> 01:12:08,887
Seconds out of the ring.
Last round coming up.

1110
01:12:10,407 --> 01:12:11,427
Zero minus one.

1111
01:12:16,167 --> 01:12:19,307
Right, lads.
You all know the drill by now.

1112
01:12:19,327 --> 01:12:22,587
What's that you're drinking, Barnes?
Water, sir.

1113
01:12:22,607 --> 01:12:25,107
Don't you know the water is
not for drinking?

1114
01:12:25,128 --> 01:12:28,387
It's for putting in the radiators
of the staff cars.

1115
01:12:28,407 --> 01:12:32,467
Don't do anything risky, never mind
the water. Try some whisky.

1116
01:12:32,487 --> 01:12:34,467
Sir.

1117
01:12:34,487 --> 01:12:35,527
Ready, men?

1118
01:12:38,887 --> 01:12:40,287
Forward, the Foresters.

1119
01:12:42,087 --> 01:12:43,967
Give the Fritzes hell!

1120
01:13:13,607 --> 01:13:15,448
Stop. Men.

1121
01:13:16,367 --> 01:13:18,107
Stop!

1122
01:13:18,127 --> 01:13:20,707
Hold your fire!

1123
01:13:20,727 --> 01:13:22,148
Sir?

1124
01:13:22,168 --> 01:13:23,487
They're already dead!

1125
01:13:26,808 --> 01:13:30,008
It's the gas. Their own gas.

1126
01:13:34,287 --> 01:13:35,888
The wind must have changed.

1127
01:13:39,008 --> 01:13:42,348
I thought they were a bit... passive.

1128
01:13:42,367 --> 01:13:44,908
What, you mean...

1129
01:13:44,928 --> 01:13:46,848
they didn't put up
much of a fight?

1130
01:13:49,527 --> 01:13:50,988
Not very sporting, is it?

1131
01:13:53,367 --> 01:13:55,628
Signing off before the show
has even started.

1132
01:13:55,648 --> 01:13:58,068
Spoils the whole fun of war.

1133
01:14:07,168 --> 01:14:08,208
Christ!

1134
01:14:38,327 --> 01:14:41,347
There was a little Hun and at war
he tried his hand.

1135
01:14:41,367 --> 01:14:45,548
And while the Hun was winning
war was fine, you understand.

1136
01:14:45,568 --> 01:14:48,467
When the others hit him
back, he shouted in alarm.

1137
01:14:48,487 --> 01:14:51,408
"A little drop of peace
wouldn't do me any harm."

1138
01:15:21,648 --> 01:15:24,788
There was a young man of Avesnes...

1139
01:15:24,808 --> 01:15:27,448
Who took a stroll down a long
shady lanes...

1140
01:15:30,808 --> 01:15:34,908
He trod on a dud
Half-hidden in mud.

1141
01:15:34,928 --> 01:15:37,888
He never will do it agains.

1142
01:15:38,888 --> 01:15:41,488
Well up to our usual
terrible standard.

1143
01:15:43,808 --> 01:15:47,288
Sir, we've heard a rumour that
the Germans have surrendered.

1144
01:15:48,568 --> 01:15:50,708
Well, if that is the case, Corporal,

1145
01:15:50,728 --> 01:15:53,588
someone really ought to tell
their artillery.

1146
01:15:53,608 --> 01:15:55,788
Yes, and if Fritz really is
waving the white flag,

1147
01:15:55,808 --> 01:15:58,748
he might have the decency to
stop firing at us.

1148
01:15:58,768 --> 01:16:00,968
So you don't think it's true then,
sir?

1149
01:16:02,888 --> 01:16:06,988
All I'm prepared to say is that
the tide is apparently turned

1150
01:16:07,008 --> 01:16:12,688
and perhaps, at last, we can all
look forward to better times.

1151
01:16:13,648 --> 01:16:15,248
Better Times.

1152
01:16:16,288 --> 01:16:17,889
It's a good name for a title.

1153
01:16:40,728 --> 01:16:42,468
Letter to the editor.

1154
01:16:42,488 --> 01:16:44,028
Is it genuine?

1155
01:16:44,048 --> 01:16:46,368
Absolutely. I just
genuinely made it up.

1156
01:16:47,488 --> 01:16:50,548
"Dear sir.
I hear that when it's all over,"

1157
01:16:50,568 --> 01:16:55,068
"people who joined up early are going
to be demobilised first."

1158
01:16:55,088 --> 01:16:57,348
"This is very unfair"

1159
01:16:57,369 --> 01:17:00,348
"since they obviously much more eager
to be in the army than those of us"

1160
01:17:00,368 --> 01:17:03,429
"who joined up reluctantly later."

1161
01:17:03,448 --> 01:17:06,548
"So surely we should go home sooner?"

1162
01:17:06,569 --> 01:17:09,388
"Yours, Lance Corporal A Slacker."

1163
01:17:09,408 --> 01:17:11,008
Very convincing argument.

1164
01:17:18,848 --> 01:17:23,549
You sure about this title,
Better Times?

1165
01:17:23,569 --> 01:17:26,589
Apparently we only need one more
big effort

1166
01:17:26,609 --> 01:17:29,148
and we can completely bust the hump.

1167
01:17:29,169 --> 01:17:31,389
You seem to be
suffering from optimism.

1168
01:17:31,409 --> 01:17:33,429
Talking of which...

1169
01:17:33,449 --> 01:17:36,709
Harris thinks we can go
to a weekly edition,

1170
01:17:36,729 --> 01:17:41,748
despite brother Boche's best efforts
to prevent all forms of journalism

1171
01:17:41,768 --> 01:17:45,789
by filling the office with
shrapnel yesterday.

1172
01:17:45,809 --> 01:17:49,749
Why weekly? Why not a daily?
Now who's suffering from optimism?

1173
01:17:49,769 --> 01:17:51,368
We're selling like hot cakes.

1174
01:17:52,889 --> 01:17:56,668
Is that good? I can't remember what
a hot cake tastes like.

1175
01:17:56,688 --> 01:17:59,008
We're even selling
out on the home front.

1176
01:18:00,849 --> 01:18:03,108
It would take a lot more copy.

1177
01:18:03,128 --> 01:18:05,549
Surely there's enough
jokers out there

1178
01:18:05,569 --> 01:18:08,728
and more than enough
poets to fill the space.

1179
01:18:12,249 --> 01:18:14,569
It's a signal for you, sir.
Thank you, Harris.

1180
01:18:27,248 --> 01:18:28,289
My God!

1181
01:18:30,089 --> 01:18:31,129
What is it?

1182
01:18:34,729 --> 01:18:36,168
It's all over.

1183
01:18:42,169 --> 01:18:44,548
What, sir, just like that?

1184
01:18:44,569 --> 01:18:48,089
"Official radio from Paris. 6.01 am."

1185
01:18:49,249 --> 01:18:51,209
"November 11th 1918."

1186
01:18:52,529 --> 01:18:55,469
"Marshal Foch to Commander in Chief."

1187
01:18:55,489 --> 01:18:59,809
"Hostilities will be stopped
along entire front at 11 o'clock."

1188
01:19:02,889 --> 01:19:04,529
Fini la guerre.

1189
01:19:08,408 --> 01:19:09,449
Looks like it.

1190
01:19:11,929 --> 01:19:12,969
Napoo Boche.

1191
01:19:16,369 --> 01:19:17,409
So it would seem.

1192
01:19:21,089 --> 01:19:22,409
It's an armistice.

1193
01:19:24,129 --> 01:19:27,249
No big show then,
no final push to Berlin?

1194
01:19:38,289 --> 01:19:40,469
Shall I, er, tell the men then,
sir?

1195
01:19:44,289 --> 01:19:46,069
Thank you, Sergeant.

1196
01:19:46,089 --> 01:19:49,469
And tell them to keep their bloody
heads down until 11 o'clock.

1197
01:19:49,489 --> 01:19:50,609
Sir.

1198
01:19:56,729 --> 01:19:57,770
So, Jack...

1199
01:19:59,849 --> 01:20:02,829
our swords are going to be
turned into ploughshares.

1200
01:20:04,529 --> 01:20:06,449
The order of the bowler hat for us.

1201
01:20:10,409 --> 01:20:12,009
We're going home.

1202
01:20:18,769 --> 01:20:20,489
Shouldn't we be celebrating?

1203
01:20:26,129 --> 01:20:28,309
I suppose we should.

1204
01:20:52,009 --> 01:20:55,370
OK, lads. Well...
just received a wire...

1205
01:21:21,049 --> 01:21:24,710
Now that we've actually won the war,
I hope that your scribbler friends

1206
01:21:24,730 --> 01:21:27,749
in The Wipers Times will treat the
staff with a little more respect.

1207
01:21:27,769 --> 01:21:28,869
Yes, indeed. In fact,

1208
01:21:28,889 --> 01:21:31,950
they're recommending the staff be
awarded more medals.

1209
01:21:31,970 --> 01:21:33,149
About time.

1210
01:21:33,169 --> 01:21:35,709
The want special recognition
for all those martyrs

1211
01:21:35,729 --> 01:21:39,790
who've had to endure wearying
years of soft jobs back at the base

1212
01:21:39,810 --> 01:21:42,370
and have missed out on all the fun
of the front line.

1213
01:21:47,649 --> 01:21:51,970
And welcome back to the European
Theatre for our grand finale.

1214
01:21:54,369 --> 01:21:58,789
Sadly Keiser Bill Hohenzollern will
not be appearing as he has

1215
01:21:58,809 --> 01:22:02,369
an alternative engagement singing
My Old Dutch in Holland.

1216
01:22:05,249 --> 01:22:08,929
Also not on the bill
are the famous Crumps.

1217
01:22:11,649 --> 01:22:13,250
And the little pipsqueaks.

1218
01:22:16,850 --> 01:22:22,489
And Duddy... whizz-bang!

1219
01:22:25,570 --> 01:22:28,350
Yes! The show mustn't go on.

1220
01:22:28,370 --> 01:22:30,070
You've seen the horrors of war.

1221
01:22:30,090 --> 01:22:32,550
Now prepare for the horrors
of peace.

1222
01:22:32,570 --> 01:22:34,230
You were an army of occupation.

1223
01:22:34,250 --> 01:22:37,029
Now you're going to be
an army of no occupation.

1224
01:22:38,330 --> 01:22:40,069
So without further ado,

1225
01:22:40,090 --> 01:22:43,469
let's have one last
encore from Tommy Atkins with

1226
01:22:43,489 --> 01:22:46,790
a delightfully delicious ditty -
costumes kindly provided by Messrs.

1227
01:22:46,810 --> 01:22:49,950
D Mob & Co - the celebrated
tailors of Cheap Street.

1228
01:23:12,450 --> 01:23:16,310
That'll do, lads. We don't want to
end the show on a low note.

1229
01:23:32,569 --> 01:23:35,270
That's more like it.
Now, come on, everybody,

1230
01:23:35,290 --> 01:23:39,030
let's see that
demobilisation smile.

1231
01:24:02,490 --> 01:24:04,630
A little decorum, gentlemen, please!

1232
01:24:04,650 --> 01:24:06,930
You are not in the army now!

1233
01:24:18,290 --> 01:24:22,270
It's all very amusing,

1234
01:24:22,290 --> 01:24:26,110
but I'm sure that it is journalism.

1235
01:24:26,130 --> 01:24:28,730
Nowadays, ours is a very modern,
high-pressure business.

1236
01:24:29,891 --> 01:24:32,670
Have you ever sat in a trench,
in the middle of a battle

1237
01:24:32,690 --> 01:24:36,071
and corrected page proofs?
You should try it.

1238
01:24:36,090 --> 01:24:39,611
I'm sure.
But that was quite a long time ago.

1239
01:24:41,370 --> 01:24:44,450
And your CV is a bit sketchy
on your more recent career.

1240
01:24:46,530 --> 01:24:48,470
I went back to prospecting.

1241
01:24:48,490 --> 01:24:51,230
Spent some time in Africa.
Looking for gold.

1242
01:24:51,250 --> 01:24:54,311
Had some ups, had some downs.

1243
01:24:54,330 --> 01:24:57,270
Came home and thought I'd have a
last shot at something,

1244
01:24:57,290 --> 01:25:00,311
which people were once kind enough
to say that I was good at.

1245
01:25:00,331 --> 01:25:04,311
I thought if old Beach Thomas
can get a job,

1246
01:25:04,330 --> 01:25:07,230
then surely I'd
be in with a chance.

1247
01:25:07,250 --> 01:25:09,231
He's Sir William Beach Thomas

1248
01:25:09,251 --> 01:25:12,490
and he's one of our most
distinguished correspondents.

1249
01:25:13,611 --> 01:25:15,490
Of course. I'm sorry.

1250
01:25:17,010 --> 01:25:19,190
Only he was
a bit of a joke in the war.

1251
01:25:19,210 --> 01:25:20,250
Yes.

1252
01:25:21,731 --> 01:25:24,311
We're not really
interested in jokes.

1253
01:25:24,331 --> 01:25:26,890
Modern writers tell
the truth about the war.

1254
01:25:28,411 --> 01:25:32,110
Then perhaps I should write you
a harrowing article about

1255
01:25:32,131 --> 01:25:36,011
how all was not quiet
on the Western Front...

1256
01:25:38,210 --> 01:25:43,310
and how with shells
raining down upon us,

1257
01:25:43,330 --> 01:25:47,471
and the chilly November air
being rent with fury, the sub-editor

1258
01:25:47,491 --> 01:25:51,231
and I drank a case of whiskey
and shot the padre for cowardice

1259
01:25:51,250 --> 01:25:53,050
and said goodbye to all that.

1260
01:25:55,291 --> 01:25:56,811
Well, that's more like it.

1261
01:25:58,130 --> 01:25:59,171
No.

1262
01:26:01,891 --> 01:26:04,091
This was my truth.

1263
01:26:07,691 --> 01:26:09,910
I'm sorry for wasting your time.

1264
01:26:09,930 --> 01:26:12,250
No, no, no. Don't be so hasty.

1265
01:26:13,451 --> 01:26:15,191
Here's the thing.

1266
01:26:15,211 --> 01:26:17,791
I like you, Mr Roberts, I really do.

1267
01:26:17,811 --> 01:26:20,750
And it's clear you're
clever with words.

1268
01:26:20,770 --> 01:26:22,810
So I think I might have something
for you here.

1269
01:26:24,651 --> 01:26:26,650
How about you start work on the,
er..

1270
01:26:28,491 --> 01:26:29,611
The crossword?

1271
01:26:35,970 --> 01:26:38,551
You want me
to compile the crossword?

1272
01:26:38,570 --> 01:26:41,751
No. HELP compile the crossword.

1273
01:26:41,771 --> 01:26:44,711
See how things go.
Better not rush things.

1274
01:26:44,731 --> 01:26:50,711
It's not exactly the front line of
the circulation war, is it?

1275
01:26:50,731 --> 01:26:54,070
A chap in your position can't
expect too much.

1276
01:26:54,091 --> 01:26:55,131
What do you think?

1277
01:27:00,291 --> 01:27:01,330
I think...

1278
01:27:15,931 --> 01:27:18,611
Er, you haven't given me
an answer, Mr Roberts?

1279
01:27:20,411 --> 01:27:22,951
Mr Roberts?

1280
01:27:22,971 --> 01:27:25,391
Do you want this job or not?

1281
01:27:25,411 --> 01:27:26,931
Mr Roberts?