1
00:03:01,000 --> 00:03:04,128
I'm going for a cup of tea.
Do you want one?
2
00:03:05,538 --> 00:03:08,975
- Do you want a cup of tea, Withnail?
- No.
3
00:03:58,261 --> 00:04:01,128
Thirteen million
Londoners have to wake up to this.
4
00:04:01,232 --> 00:04:04,132
The murder and all-bran
and rape?
5
00:04:04,234 --> 00:04:07,727
And I'm sitting in this bloody shack,
and I can't cope with Withnail.
6
00:04:07,838 --> 00:04:09,897
I must be out of my mind.
7
00:04:10,007 --> 00:04:13,067
I must go home at once and
discuss his problems in depth.
8
00:04:15,881 --> 00:04:18,543
I have some extremely
distressing news.
9
00:04:18,650 --> 00:04:21,642
I don't want to hear it.
I don't want to hear anything.
10
00:04:23,255 --> 00:04:26,850
My God, it's a nightmare,
let me tell you. It's a nightmare.
11
00:04:26,958 --> 00:04:29,951
We've just run out of wine.
What are we gonna do about it?
12
00:04:30,061 --> 00:04:32,553
I don't know.
I don't know.
13
00:04:32,665 --> 00:04:35,691
Oh, God!
I don't feel good.
14
00:04:35,802 --> 00:04:40,000
My thumbs have gone weird!
15
00:04:40,106 --> 00:04:43,372
I'm in the middle
of a bloody overdose.
16
00:04:43,476 --> 00:04:46,445
Oh, God!
17
00:04:46,547 --> 00:04:49,606
My heart's beating
like a fucked clock!
18
00:04:49,716 --> 00:04:52,149
I feel dreadful.
I feel really dreadful.
19
00:04:52,252 --> 00:04:54,618
So do I.
So does everybody.
20
00:04:54,721 --> 00:04:56,746
Look at my tongue.
21
00:04:56,857 --> 00:04:59,326
Gray yellow sock.
22
00:04:59,426 --> 00:05:02,156
Sit down, for Christ's sake.
What's the matter with you?
23
00:05:03,630 --> 00:05:06,293
Eat some sugar.
24
00:05:06,401 --> 00:05:09,768
Listen to this.
"Curse of the supermen.
25
00:05:09,871 --> 00:05:13,671
"'I took drugs to win medal,'
says top athleteJeff Wode.
26
00:05:13,775 --> 00:05:16,745
- Where's the coffee?
- "In a world exclusive interview,
27
00:05:16,845 --> 00:05:21,078
"33-year-old shot putterJeff Wode,
who weighs 317 pounds,
28
00:05:21,183 --> 00:05:24,778
"admitted taking massive doses
of anabolic steroids,
29
00:05:24,887 --> 00:05:27,185
"drugs banned in sport.
30
00:05:27,290 --> 00:05:30,418
"'He used to get in bad tempers,'
says his wife.
31
00:05:30,527 --> 00:05:33,360
"'He used to pick on me.
But now he's stopped,
32
00:05:33,462 --> 00:05:36,762
he's much better in our sex
life and in our general life."'
33
00:05:36,867 --> 00:05:41,668
Jesus Christ!
This huge, thatched head...
34
00:05:41,771 --> 00:05:46,333
with its earlobes and cannonball
is not considered sane.
35
00:05:46,444 --> 00:05:48,742
"Jeff Wode is feeling better...
36
00:05:48,845 --> 00:05:53,375
and is now prepared
to step back into society
and start tossing his orb about."
37
00:05:53,484 --> 00:05:55,850
Look at him!
Look at Jeff Wode!
38
00:05:55,954 --> 00:05:58,888
His head must weigh
50 pounds on its own.
39
00:06:00,324 --> 00:06:02,919
Imagine the size of his balls.
40
00:06:04,396 --> 00:06:07,331
Imagine getting into a fight
with the fucker.
41
00:06:07,433 --> 00:06:09,367
Please, I don't feel good.
42
00:06:09,468 --> 00:06:13,462
That's what you'd say.
But that wouldn't wash with Jeff.
43
00:06:13,572 --> 00:06:17,600
No. He'd like a bit of pleading.
Adds spice to it.
44
00:06:17,710 --> 00:06:22,875
In fact, he'd probably tell you
what he was gonna do before he did it.
45
00:06:24,384 --> 00:06:26,751
"I'm gonna pull your head off."
46
00:06:26,853 --> 00:06:29,515
"No, please don't pull my head off."
47
00:06:29,622 --> 00:06:33,719
"I'm gonna pull your head off
because I don't like your head."
48
00:06:37,831 --> 00:06:41,393
Have you got soup?
Why didn't I get any soup?
49
00:06:41,502 --> 00:06:43,471
Coffee.
50
00:06:43,570 --> 00:06:45,732
Why don't you use a cup
like any other human being?
51
00:06:45,840 --> 00:06:48,638
Why don't you wash up occasionally
like any other human being?
52
00:06:48,743 --> 00:06:52,509
How dare you!
How dare you!
53
00:06:52,615 --> 00:06:55,082
How dare you
call me inhumane!
54
00:06:55,184 --> 00:06:58,175
I didn't call you inhumane.
You merely imagined it. Calm down.
55
00:06:58,286 --> 00:07:01,120
Right, you fucker.
I'm gonna do the washing up.
56
00:07:01,223 --> 00:07:04,386
No, no, you can't.
It's impossible, I swear.
57
00:07:04,493 --> 00:07:07,223
I've looked into it.
Listen to me! Listen to me!
58
00:07:07,331 --> 00:07:10,164
There are things in there.
There's a tea bag growing.
59
00:07:10,266 --> 00:07:13,531
You haven't slept in 60 hours.
You're in no state to tackle it.
60
00:07:13,637 --> 00:07:16,105
Wait till the morning.
We'll go in together.
61
00:07:16,206 --> 00:07:18,835
This is the morning!
Stand aside!
62
00:07:18,942 --> 00:07:22,901
You don't understand! I think
there may be something living in there.
63
00:07:23,013 --> 00:07:25,278
I think there may be
something alive.
64
00:07:25,383 --> 00:07:28,147
- What do you mean? A rat?
- It's possible.
65
00:07:28,251 --> 00:07:31,312
Then the fucker
will rue the day.
66
00:07:33,459 --> 00:07:37,896
Oh, Christ Almighty!
A sinew in nicotine base.
67
00:07:37,997 --> 00:07:41,455
Keep back, keep back.
The entire sink's gone rotten.
68
00:07:41,566 --> 00:07:43,467
I don't know what's in here.
69
00:07:43,568 --> 00:07:47,699
I told you, you've been bitten!
70
00:07:47,806 --> 00:07:50,536
Burnt! Burnt!
The fucking kettle's on fire!
71
00:07:50,643 --> 00:07:53,110
- There's something floating up.
- Fork it!
72
00:07:53,213 --> 00:07:56,705
- L-l-I don't...
- You must! You must!
73
00:07:56,816 --> 00:08:00,912
The poop will boil through the glaze.
We'll never be able to use
our dinner service again.
74
00:08:01,021 --> 00:08:03,422
Here. Get it with the pliers.
75
00:08:03,524 --> 00:08:05,924
No, no. No, no.
Give me the gloves.
76
00:08:06,027 --> 00:08:08,723
That's right.
Put on the gloves.
77
00:08:08,829 --> 00:08:11,730
Don't attempt anything
without the gloves.
78
00:08:15,102 --> 00:08:18,004
- Ugh.
- What is it? What have you found?
79
00:08:18,106 --> 00:08:20,734
Matter.
80
00:08:20,842 --> 00:08:23,333
Matter?
Where's it coming from?
81
00:08:23,445 --> 00:08:26,437
Don't look.
I'm dealing with it.
82
00:08:28,517 --> 00:08:30,884
I think we've been
in here too long.
83
00:08:30,986 --> 00:08:34,616
I feel unusual.
I think we should go outside.
84
00:08:39,695 --> 00:08:42,630
This is ridiculous.
Look at me.
85
00:08:42,732 --> 00:08:46,225
I'm 30 in a month, and I've got
a sole flapping off my shoe.
86
00:08:46,335 --> 00:08:49,328
It will get better.
It has to.
87
00:08:49,440 --> 00:08:52,374
Easy for you to say, lovey.
You've had an audition.
88
00:08:52,476 --> 00:08:54,944
Why can't I have an audition?
89
00:08:55,045 --> 00:08:59,744
It's ridiculous. I've been
to drama school. I'm good-looking.
90
00:08:59,850 --> 00:09:03,947
I tell you,
I've a fuck sight more talent than half
the rubbish that gets on television.
91
00:09:04,055 --> 00:09:06,148
Why can't I get on television?
92
00:09:06,256 --> 00:09:08,487
I don't know.
It'll happen.
93
00:09:08,593 --> 00:09:11,153
Will it?
That's what you say.
94
00:09:11,262 --> 00:09:14,858
The only program I'm likely to get on
is the fucking news.
95
00:09:14,966 --> 00:09:17,435
I tell you, I can't take
much more of this.
96
00:09:17,536 --> 00:09:19,970
- I'm gonna crack.
- I'm in the same boat.
97
00:09:20,072 --> 00:09:21,972
Yeah, yeah.
98
00:09:22,074 --> 00:09:24,668
I feel as sick as a pike.
99
00:09:24,777 --> 00:09:26,905
I'm gonna have to sit down.
100
00:09:32,085 --> 00:09:35,179
You know what we should do?
101
00:09:35,288 --> 00:09:37,916
I say, you know
what we should do?
102
00:09:38,024 --> 00:09:41,016
How can I possibly know
what we should do?
103
00:09:41,128 --> 00:09:44,656
- What should we do?
- Get out of it for a while.
104
00:09:44,765 --> 00:09:47,529
Get into the countryside,
rejuvenate.
105
00:09:47,634 --> 00:09:51,662
Rejuvenate? I'm in a park,
and I'm practically dead.
106
00:09:51,772 --> 00:09:54,673
What good's the countryside?
107
00:09:54,775 --> 00:09:58,940
- What time is it?
- It's 8:00.
108
00:09:59,046 --> 00:10:03,450
Four hours till opening time.
God help us.
109
00:10:03,552 --> 00:10:05,952
Have we got any embrocation?
110
00:10:07,923 --> 00:10:10,391
- What for?
- To rub on us, you fool.
111
00:10:10,492 --> 00:10:13,587
We can cover ourselves in Deep Heat
and get up against the radiator,
112
00:10:13,695 --> 00:10:16,164
keep ourselves alive till 12:00.
113
00:10:17,967 --> 00:10:20,401
Jesus, look at that!
114
00:10:20,503 --> 00:10:23,301
Apart from a raw potato,
that's the only solid...
115
00:10:23,406 --> 00:10:26,534
to have passed my lips
in the last 60 hours.
116
00:10:26,643 --> 00:10:29,043
I must be ill.
117
00:10:31,315 --> 00:10:35,149
Even a stopped clock
gives the right time twice a day.
118
00:10:36,654 --> 00:10:40,613
And for once, I'm inclined to
believe that Withnail is right.
119
00:10:40,725 --> 00:10:45,161
We are, indeed, drifting
into the arena of the unwell,
120
00:10:46,997 --> 00:10:49,990
making an enemy
of our own future.
121
00:10:50,101 --> 00:10:53,070
What we need is harmony,
122
00:10:53,171 --> 00:10:56,266
fresh air, stuff like that.
123
00:10:56,374 --> 00:10:59,867
Wasn't much in the tube.
Nothing left for you.
124
00:10:59,979 --> 00:11:03,278
Why don't you ask your father
for some money?
125
00:11:03,382 --> 00:11:06,351
If we had some money,
we could go away.
126
00:11:06,452 --> 00:11:10,116
Why don't you ask your father?
How can it be so cold in here?
127
00:11:10,224 --> 00:11:12,555
Like Greenland in here.
128
00:11:14,328 --> 00:11:18,788
We've got to get some booze. It's
the only solution for this intense cold.
129
00:11:18,899 --> 00:11:22,996
Something's got to be done.
We can't go on like this!
130
00:11:23,103 --> 00:11:27,302
I'm a trained actor
reduced to the status of a bum!
131
00:11:27,408 --> 00:11:32,107
I mean, look at us!
Nothing that reasonable members
of society demand as their rights!
132
00:11:32,213 --> 00:11:35,444
No fridges, no televisions,
no phones!
133
00:11:35,551 --> 00:11:37,882
Much more of this, I'm gonna
apply for Meals On Wheels.
134
00:11:37,986 --> 00:11:41,889
- What happened
to your cigar commercial?
- That's what I want to know.
135
00:11:41,991 --> 00:11:45,188
What happened to my agent?
Bastard must have died.
136
00:11:45,294 --> 00:11:47,194
September. Bad patch.
137
00:11:47,296 --> 00:11:50,424
Rubbish. I haven't seen Gielgud
down the Labor Exchange.
138
00:11:50,532 --> 00:11:52,432
Why doesn't he retire?
139
00:11:52,534 --> 00:11:55,436
Oh, look at this little bastard!
140
00:11:55,538 --> 00:11:58,871
"Boy lands plum role
for top Italian director."
141
00:11:58,975 --> 00:12:03,036
'Course he does. Probably
on a tenner a day, and I know what for.
142
00:12:03,146 --> 00:12:06,981
Two pound ten a tit,
and a fiver for his arse.
143
00:12:09,687 --> 00:12:12,485
- Have you been at the controls?
- What are you talking about?
144
00:12:12,590 --> 00:12:15,252
The thermostats!
What have you done to them?
145
00:12:15,359 --> 00:12:18,522
- I haven't touched them.
- Then why has my head gone numb?
146
00:12:18,629 --> 00:12:21,120
I must have some booze.
147
00:12:21,232 --> 00:12:23,963
I demand to have some booze!
148
00:12:26,104 --> 00:12:28,834
- I wouldn't drink that if I was you.
- Why not?
149
00:12:28,940 --> 00:12:30,840
Because I don't advise it.
150
00:12:30,943 --> 00:12:33,843
Even the wankers on the site wouldn't
drink that. That's worse than meths.
151
00:12:33,945 --> 00:12:36,915
Nonsense. This is a far
superior drink to meths.
152
00:12:37,016 --> 00:12:39,883
Wankers don't drink it
because they can't afford it.
153
00:12:44,257 --> 00:12:47,226
Have we got any more?
154
00:12:47,327 --> 00:12:50,058
Liar!
What's in your toolbox?
155
00:12:50,164 --> 00:12:52,223
No, we have nothing.
Sit down.
156
00:12:52,333 --> 00:12:54,733
Liar!
You've got antifreeze.
157
00:12:54,835 --> 00:12:57,737
You bloody fool.
You should never mix your drinks!
158
00:13:06,614 --> 00:13:10,516
All right, this is the plan.
We'll get in there and get wrecked.
159
00:13:10,618 --> 00:13:14,554
Then we'll eat a pork pie. Then we'll
drop a couple of Surmontil 50s each.
160
00:13:14,656 --> 00:13:18,093
Means we'll miss out Monday
but come up smiling Tuesday morning.
161
00:13:18,194 --> 00:13:21,595
- What's that appalling smell?
- Perfume on my boots.
162
00:13:21,697 --> 00:13:24,757
I had to scrub them
with essence of petunia.
163
00:13:32,007 --> 00:13:36,069
Two large gins, two pints of cider,
ice in the cider.
164
00:13:36,179 --> 00:13:38,739
If my father was loaded,
I'd ask him for some money.
165
00:13:38,849 --> 00:13:41,613
If your father was my
father, you wouldn't get it.
166
00:13:41,719 --> 00:13:44,118
- Here you are, lads.
- Chin-chin.
167
00:13:47,891 --> 00:13:49,791
Ugh!
168
00:13:51,329 --> 00:13:53,957
What about what's-his-name?
169
00:13:54,065 --> 00:13:57,398
- What about him?
- Why don't you give him a call?
170
00:13:57,502 --> 00:14:00,939
- What for?
- Ask him about his house.
171
00:14:01,039 --> 00:14:04,133
You want me to call what's-his-name
and ask him about his house?
172
00:14:04,243 --> 00:14:07,576
- Why not?
- All right. What's his number?
173
00:14:07,679 --> 00:14:10,342
I have no idea.
I've never met him.
174
00:14:10,450 --> 00:14:13,350
Well, neither have I.
Who the fuck are you talking about?
175
00:14:13,452 --> 00:14:15,785
Your relative with the house
in the country.
176
00:14:15,888 --> 00:14:18,550
- Monty? Uncle Monty?
- Same. That's the one.
177
00:14:18,658 --> 00:14:21,627
Get theJag fixed up,
spend a week in the country.
178
00:14:21,728 --> 00:14:25,528
All right. Give us a tanner,
and I'll give him a bell.
179
00:14:25,633 --> 00:14:30,127
Here. Get a couple more.
I'm going for a slash.
180
00:14:37,077 --> 00:14:38,977
Ponce.
181
00:14:41,949 --> 00:14:44,645
I could hardly
piss straight with fear.
182
00:14:44,753 --> 00:14:48,314
A man with three-quarters of an inch
of brain had taken a dislike to me.
183
00:14:48,423 --> 00:14:52,826
What have I done to offend him?
I don't consciously offend
big men like this.
184
00:14:52,928 --> 00:14:55,829
And this one has a definite
imbalance of hormone in him.
185
00:14:55,931 --> 00:14:59,060
Get any more masculine than him,
you'd have to live up a tree.
186
00:14:59,167 --> 00:15:02,399
"I fuck arses."
Who fucks arses?
187
00:15:02,504 --> 00:15:05,201
Maybe he fucks arses.
188
00:15:05,308 --> 00:15:08,437
Maybe he's written this in some
moment of drunken sincerity?
189
00:15:08,544 --> 00:15:11,013
I'm in considerable
danger in here.
190
00:15:11,114 --> 00:15:13,105
I must get out of here at once.
191
00:15:17,454 --> 00:15:19,615
Perfumed ponce!
192
00:15:21,492 --> 00:15:24,723
You'll be pleased to hear
Monty's invited us for drinks.
193
00:15:24,828 --> 00:15:27,024
Balls to Monty.
We're getting out.
194
00:15:27,131 --> 00:15:30,259
Balls to Monty? I already spent
an hour flattering the bugger.
195
00:15:30,368 --> 00:15:34,304
There's a man over there doesn't like
the perfume. A big one. Don't look.
196
00:15:34,405 --> 00:15:37,136
We're in danger.
We've got to get out.
197
00:15:37,242 --> 00:15:41,269
- What are you talking about?
- I've been called a ponce.
198
00:15:41,379 --> 00:15:44,508
What fucker said that?
199
00:15:50,055 --> 00:15:53,025
I called him a ponce,
200
00:15:53,126 --> 00:15:55,492
and now I'm calling you one.
201
00:15:55,595 --> 00:15:57,722
Ponce!
202
00:15:57,831 --> 00:16:00,163
Would you like a drink?
203
00:16:00,267 --> 00:16:02,292
What's your name? McFuck?
204
00:16:03,670 --> 00:16:07,231
I have a heart condition.
I have a heart condition.
205
00:16:07,340 --> 00:16:10,070
If you hit me, it's murder.
206
00:16:10,177 --> 00:16:12,873
I'll murder the pair of yous!
207
00:16:12,980 --> 00:16:15,676
My wife is having a baby.
208
00:16:15,783 --> 00:16:20,312
Listen, I don't know what my...
acquaintance did to upset you,
209
00:16:20,422 --> 00:16:22,947
but it's nothing to do with me.
210
00:16:23,058 --> 00:16:25,686
I suggest you both go outside...
211
00:16:25,794 --> 00:16:28,557
and discuss it sensibly
in the street.
212
00:16:31,233 --> 00:16:33,134
Out of my way!
213
00:16:38,875 --> 00:16:41,867
Speed is like
a dozen transatlantic flights...
214
00:16:41,978 --> 00:16:44,344
without ever
getting off the plane.
215
00:16:44,447 --> 00:16:48,544
Time change.
You lose. You gain.
216
00:16:48,651 --> 00:16:52,678
Makes no difference, so long
as you keep taking the pills.
217
00:16:52,789 --> 00:16:55,623
But sooner or later,
you gotta get out...
218
00:16:55,726 --> 00:16:57,853
because it's crashing,
219
00:16:57,962 --> 00:17:00,954
and all at once
those frozen hours...
220
00:17:01,065 --> 00:17:03,694
melt through
the nervous system...
221
00:17:03,802 --> 00:17:06,965
and seep out the pores.
222
00:17:08,273 --> 00:17:11,470
Bastards! Just to suck...
223
00:17:11,576 --> 00:17:15,034
some miserable cheap cigar,
and the bastards won't see me.
224
00:17:17,582 --> 00:17:19,550
Why are we having lunch in here?
225
00:17:19,652 --> 00:17:21,643
It's dinner, and Danny's here.
226
00:17:21,754 --> 00:17:23,654
Danny?
How did he get in?
227
00:17:23,756 --> 00:17:26,520
I let him in this morning.
He lost one of his clogs.
228
00:17:26,626 --> 00:17:29,255
He's come in because
of this perpetual cold.
229
00:17:29,362 --> 00:17:32,195
Oh, I hope
tobacco sales plummet.
230
00:17:32,298 --> 00:17:36,235
I've got your saveloy.
Here. I don't want it.
231
00:17:36,336 --> 00:17:39,100
Then stick it in a soap tray
and save it for later.
232
00:17:39,206 --> 00:17:41,869
Don't vent spleen on me!
I'm in the same boat!
233
00:17:41,975 --> 00:17:44,808
Stop saying that!
You're not in the same boat.
234
00:17:44,911 --> 00:17:49,348
The only thing you're in that
I have been in is this fucking bath!
235
00:17:51,619 --> 00:17:55,851
Danny's here.
Headhunter to his friends.
236
00:17:55,957 --> 00:17:59,860
Headhunter to everybody.
He doesn't have any friends.
237
00:17:59,961 --> 00:18:02,691
The only people
he converses with...
238
00:18:02,797 --> 00:18:05,699
are his clients
and occasionally the police.
239
00:18:05,801 --> 00:18:10,704
The purveyor of rare herbs and
prescribed chemicals is back.
240
00:18:10,806 --> 00:18:13,833
Will we never be set free?
241
00:18:18,481 --> 00:18:22,008
- Danny.
- You're looking very beautiful, man.
242
00:18:22,118 --> 00:18:24,018
Have you been away?
243
00:18:24,120 --> 00:18:28,181
St. Peter preached the epistles
to the apostles looking like that.
244
00:18:28,291 --> 00:18:30,624
Have you got any food?
245
00:18:30,727 --> 00:18:34,129
Mmm. As a matter of fact,
I got a saveloy.
246
00:18:34,231 --> 00:18:37,098
How much is it?
247
00:18:37,201 --> 00:18:39,396
You can have it for nothing.
248
00:18:39,503 --> 00:18:42,564
- I see you're wearing a suit.
- What's it got to do with you?
249
00:18:42,673 --> 00:18:46,906
No need to get uptight, man.
I was merely making an observation.
250
00:18:47,012 --> 00:18:51,540
I happened to be looking for a suit
for the Coalman two weeks ago.
251
00:18:51,650 --> 00:18:54,881
For reasons I can't really
discuss with you...
252
00:18:54,986 --> 00:18:57,580
the Coalman
had to go toJamaica.
253
00:18:57,690 --> 00:19:00,454
Got busted coming back
through Heathrow.
254
00:19:03,563 --> 00:19:05,463
Had a weight under his fez.
255
00:19:05,565 --> 00:19:09,695
We worked out, it would be very handy
karma for him to get hold of a suit.
256
00:19:09,803 --> 00:19:13,170
But he's a very low-temperature
spade, the Coalman.
257
00:19:13,273 --> 00:19:16,242
Goes into court
in his caftan and a bell.
258
00:19:16,343 --> 00:19:20,279
This doesn't go down at all well.
259
00:19:20,380 --> 00:19:23,942
They can handle the caftan,
but they can't handle the bell.
260
00:19:24,051 --> 00:19:27,612
So there's this judge sitting there
in the cape like fucking Batman...
261
00:19:27,722 --> 00:19:31,283
- with this really
rather far-out looking hat...
- Wig.
262
00:19:31,391 --> 00:19:35,453
No, man. This was more
like a long white hat.
263
00:19:35,563 --> 00:19:38,088
So he looks at the Coalman
and says,
264
00:19:38,199 --> 00:19:41,795
"What's all this? This is a court,
man. This ain't fancy dress."
265
00:19:41,904 --> 00:19:44,600
And the Coalman
looks at him and says,
266
00:19:44,706 --> 00:19:47,733
"You think you look normal,
Your Honor?"
267
00:19:47,843 --> 00:19:50,869
Cunt give him two years.
268
00:19:52,882 --> 00:19:55,943
I'm afraid I can't offer
you gentlemen anything.
269
00:19:56,051 --> 00:19:58,781
That's all right, Danny.
We decided to lay off for a bit.
270
00:19:58,889 --> 00:20:02,655
That's what I thought. Except
for personal use, I concur with you.
271
00:20:02,759 --> 00:20:07,163
As a matter of fact, I'm thinking
of retiring and going into business.
272
00:20:07,265 --> 00:20:09,756
Doing what?
273
00:20:09,867 --> 00:20:13,098
- The toy industry.
- I thought you
were in the bottle industry.
274
00:20:13,204 --> 00:20:17,369
No, man. That's a sideline.
You can have that.
275
00:20:17,475 --> 00:20:20,205
Instructions are included.
276
00:20:20,311 --> 00:20:24,476
Yeah, my partner's got a really
good idea for making dolls.
277
00:20:24,583 --> 00:20:29,145
His name's Presuming Ed.
His sister give him the idea.
278
00:20:29,254 --> 00:20:31,950
She got a doll on Christmas
what pisses itself.
279
00:20:32,057 --> 00:20:35,493
- Really?
- Yeah, and you gotta
change its drawers for it.
280
00:20:35,594 --> 00:20:38,621
It's horrible, really.
But they like that, little girls.
281
00:20:38,730 --> 00:20:41,632
So we're gonna make one
that shits itself as well.
282
00:20:41,734 --> 00:20:44,328
- Shits itself?
- He's an expert.
283
00:20:44,437 --> 00:20:47,201
He's building the prototype now.
284
00:20:49,977 --> 00:20:52,137
Why is he behaving so uptightly?
285
00:20:52,245 --> 00:20:56,205
Because a gang
of cheeroot vendors considered
a haircut beyond my abilities.
286
00:20:56,317 --> 00:20:59,218
I don't advise a haircut, man.
287
00:20:59,320 --> 00:21:02,483
All hairdressers are
in the employment of the government.
288
00:21:02,591 --> 00:21:04,751
Hair are your aerials.
289
00:21:04,859 --> 00:21:07,328
They pick up signals
from the cosmos...
290
00:21:07,428 --> 00:21:10,227
and transmit them
directly into the brain.
291
00:21:10,332 --> 00:21:13,460
This is the reason
bald-headed men are uptight.
292
00:21:13,568 --> 00:21:15,900
What absolute twaddle.
293
00:21:17,340 --> 00:21:19,240
- Has he just been busted?
- No.
294
00:21:19,342 --> 00:21:21,571
Then why is he wearing
that old suit?
295
00:21:21,676 --> 00:21:25,738
Old suit? This suit
was cut by Hawke's of Savile Row.
296
00:21:25,848 --> 00:21:29,807
Just because the best tailoring
you've ever seen is above your fucking
appendix doesn't mean anything!
297
00:21:29,919 --> 00:21:32,410
Don't get uptight with me, man.
298
00:21:32,522 --> 00:21:37,050
'Cause if you do, I'll have to
give you a dose of medicine.
299
00:21:37,160 --> 00:21:41,256
And if I spike you, you'll know
you've been spoken to.
300
00:21:41,365 --> 00:21:44,096
You wouldn't spike me.
You're too mean.
301
00:21:44,201 --> 00:21:47,102
Besides, there's nothing
invented I couldn't take.
302
00:21:47,205 --> 00:21:52,040
If I medicined you, you'd think
a brain tumor was a birthday present.
303
00:21:53,878 --> 00:21:56,972
I could take double
anything you could.
304
00:21:58,883 --> 00:22:02,284
Very, very foolish words, man.
305
00:22:02,387 --> 00:22:04,787
He's right, Withnail.
Look at him.
306
00:22:04,889 --> 00:22:07,791
His mechanism's gone. He's had
more drugs than you've had hot dinners.
307
00:22:07,893 --> 00:22:10,327
I'm not having this
shag sack insulting me.
308
00:22:10,429 --> 00:22:12,624
Let him get his drugs out.
309
00:22:12,732 --> 00:22:16,600
This doll
is extremely dangerous.
310
00:22:18,438 --> 00:22:22,374
It has voodoo qualities.
311
00:22:31,419 --> 00:22:37,085
Trade,
"Phenodihydrochrolide benzorex."
312
00:22:37,191 --> 00:22:40,490
Street, "the embalmer."
313
00:22:40,594 --> 00:22:42,824
Balls! I'll swallow it
and run a mile.
314
00:22:42,930 --> 00:22:47,629
Cool your boots, man.
This pill's valued at two quid.
315
00:22:47,736 --> 00:22:50,637
- Two quid? You're out of your mind.
- That's sense, Withnail.
316
00:22:50,739 --> 00:22:54,266
You can stuff it
up your arse for nothing
and fuck off while you're doing it!
317
00:22:56,779 --> 00:23:01,273
No need to insult me, man.
I was leaving anyway.
318
00:23:04,620 --> 00:23:07,783
Have either of you got shoes?
319
00:23:33,318 --> 00:23:35,786
Monty's car.
320
00:23:44,329 --> 00:23:47,322
Oh, hello! Come in.
321
00:23:55,409 --> 00:23:59,106
Sit down, do.
Would you like a drink?
322
00:23:59,212 --> 00:24:01,305
- Sherry.
- Sherry.
323
00:24:04,418 --> 00:24:06,318
- Sherry?
- Sherry.
324
00:24:06,420 --> 00:24:08,320
Sherry.
325
00:24:12,359 --> 00:24:14,919
Do you like vegetables?
326
00:24:15,029 --> 00:24:17,759
I've always been fond
of root crops,
327
00:24:17,865 --> 00:24:20,390
but I only started
to grow last summer.
328
00:24:20,501 --> 00:24:24,097
I happen to think the cauliflower
more beautiful than the rose.
329
00:24:24,205 --> 00:24:26,106
Chin-chin.
330
00:24:26,207 --> 00:24:28,608
- Do you grow?
- Geraniums.
331
00:24:28,710 --> 00:24:30,803
Little traitors.
332
00:24:30,912 --> 00:24:34,145
I think the carrot infinitely
more fascinating than the geranium.
333
00:24:34,249 --> 00:24:37,707
Mmm. The carrot has mystery.
334
00:24:37,820 --> 00:24:40,847
Flowers are essentially tarts,
335
00:24:40,956 --> 00:24:43,983
prostitutes for the bees.
336
00:24:45,395 --> 00:24:48,455
There is, you will agree,
a certain "je ne sai quoi,"
337
00:24:48,565 --> 00:24:52,228
something very special
about a firm, young carrot.
338
00:24:52,335 --> 00:24:54,462
Hmm, excuse me.
339
00:24:54,572 --> 00:24:58,133
Do help yourselves to another drink.
340
00:24:58,241 --> 00:25:00,710
What's all this?
The man's mad.
341
00:25:00,811 --> 00:25:03,371
- Eccentric.
- Eccentric? He's insane!
342
00:25:03,482 --> 00:25:06,076
Not only that,
he's a raving homosexual.
343
00:25:08,186 --> 00:25:10,450
You beastly little parasite!
How dare you?
344
00:25:10,555 --> 00:25:13,319
You little thug!
How dare you!
345
00:25:15,961 --> 00:25:18,521
Beastly, ungrateful little swine!
346
00:25:18,630 --> 00:25:22,361
- Shall I get you a drink?
- Yes, yes, yes, please, dear boy.
347
00:25:22,467 --> 00:25:25,027
You can prepare me a small
rhesus-negative Bloody Mary.
348
00:25:25,138 --> 00:25:29,268
You must tell me all the news.
I haven't seen you since you
finished your last show.
349
00:25:29,375 --> 00:25:32,174
Rather busy, Uncle.
TV and stuff.
350
00:25:32,278 --> 00:25:35,578
My agent's attempting to edge me
towards Royal Shakespeare Company again.
351
00:25:35,681 --> 00:25:39,584
- Oh, splendid.
- And he's just had an audition for rep.
352
00:25:39,685 --> 00:25:42,849
Oh, splendid!
So you're a Thespian too?
353
00:25:46,293 --> 00:25:48,284
Monty used to act.
354
00:25:48,395 --> 00:25:50,295
One hardly says that.
355
00:25:50,397 --> 00:25:53,959
I cracked the boards in my youth,
but I never really had it in my blood.
356
00:25:54,068 --> 00:25:56,628
And that's what's
so essential, isn't it?
357
00:25:56,738 --> 00:25:59,172
The theatrical zeal in the veins.
358
00:25:59,274 --> 00:26:03,336
Alas, I have little more
than vintage wine and memories.
359
00:26:07,649 --> 00:26:11,381
It is the most shattering experience
of a young man's life...
360
00:26:11,487 --> 00:26:15,389
when one morning he awakes
and quite reasonably says to himself,
361
00:26:15,492 --> 00:26:20,952
"I will never play the Dane."
362
00:26:21,063 --> 00:26:24,227
When that moment comes,
363
00:26:24,334 --> 00:26:27,792
one's ambition ceases.
364
00:26:30,174 --> 00:26:32,665
Don't you agree?
365
00:26:32,777 --> 00:26:36,577
- It's a part I intend to play, Uncle.
- And you'll be marvelous.
366
00:26:36,681 --> 00:26:38,978
Marvelous.
367
00:26:40,384 --> 00:26:42,945
"It's gone.
368
00:26:43,054 --> 00:26:46,252
"We do it wrong,
being so ma'jestical...
369
00:26:46,357 --> 00:26:49,087
to offer it
the show of violence."
370
00:26:49,194 --> 00:26:52,288
Let's go. He's a madman.
371
00:26:52,397 --> 00:26:55,161
Any minute now, he's gonna rush out
and get into his tights.
372
00:26:55,267 --> 00:26:59,101
- Okay, okay. Any minute.
- The house or out.
373
00:27:01,039 --> 00:27:03,235
Could I have a word
with you, Monty?
374
00:27:03,343 --> 00:27:06,278
Oh, forgive me, dear boy.
Forgive me.
375
00:27:06,378 --> 00:27:09,439
I was allowing memory
to have the better of me.
376
00:27:09,549 --> 00:27:12,450
Shall I get you a topper?
377
00:27:21,395 --> 00:27:24,957
Indeed, I remember my first agent.
378
00:27:25,065 --> 00:27:27,192
Raymond Duck.
379
00:27:29,036 --> 00:27:32,029
He was a dreadful little Israelite.
380
00:27:32,140 --> 00:27:35,109
Four floors up
on the Charing Cross Road,
381
00:27:35,210 --> 00:27:38,008
and never a job
at the top of them.
382
00:27:39,848 --> 00:27:42,646
I'm told you're a writer too.
383
00:27:44,586 --> 00:27:47,077
Do you write poems?
384
00:27:47,189 --> 00:27:51,148
No. I wish I could.
It's just thoughts, really.
385
00:27:52,862 --> 00:27:55,330
- Are you published?
- Oh, no.
386
00:27:55,431 --> 00:27:57,662
Where did you school?
387
00:27:57,767 --> 00:28:00,395
He went to the other place, Monty.
388
00:28:00,503 --> 00:28:03,735
Oh, you went to Eton?
389
00:28:03,840 --> 00:28:06,536
Get that damned little
swine out of here!
390
00:28:08,645 --> 00:28:12,445
It's trying to get itself in with you.
It's trying for even more advantage.
391
00:28:12,549 --> 00:28:14,711
It's obsessed with its gut.
It's like a bloody rugby ball now.
392
00:28:14,819 --> 00:28:18,118
- It will die! It will die!
- Monty. Monty.
393
00:28:18,222 --> 00:28:21,021
No, no, dear boy.
You must leave.
394
00:28:21,125 --> 00:28:23,492
Yet again, that oaf
has destroyed my day.
395
00:28:23,595 --> 00:28:26,620
Listen, Monty. Could I just have
a quick word with you? In private?
396
00:28:26,732 --> 00:28:28,893
Oh... very well.
397
00:28:40,379 --> 00:28:43,372
- Good night, my dears.
- Good night, Monty.
398
00:28:43,483 --> 00:28:46,941
What's all this
going off in private business?
Why did you tell him I went to Eton?
399
00:28:47,053 --> 00:28:49,886
Because it wouldn't
have helped if I hadn't.
400
00:28:49,989 --> 00:28:53,220
I'm just trying to establish you
in some sort of context he'd understand.
401
00:28:53,326 --> 00:28:57,024
- What do you mean by that?
- I mean, free
to those who can afford it.
402
00:28:57,130 --> 00:28:59,895
Very expensive
to those that can't.
403
00:29:07,609 --> 00:29:11,203
"All Along the Watchtower"]
404
00:29:44,148 --> 00:29:48,313
- Scrubbers!
- Up yours, Granddad!
405
00:29:48,420 --> 00:29:51,946
- Scrubbers! Scrubbers!
- Shut up!
406
00:29:52,056 --> 00:29:55,253
Little tarts.
They love it.
407
00:29:55,360 --> 00:29:58,352
I'm trying to drive this thing
as quietly as possible.
408
00:29:58,463 --> 00:30:02,229
If you don't shut up,
we'll get stopped by the police.
409
00:30:02,334 --> 00:30:05,497
- Give me the bottle.
- Look at that. Look at that.
410
00:30:05,604 --> 00:30:08,835
"Accident black spot."
These aren't accidents!
411
00:30:08,941 --> 00:30:12,434
They're throwing themselves
into the road! Gladly!
412
00:30:12,545 --> 00:30:16,743
Throwing themselves into the road
to escape all this hideousness!
413
00:30:16,849 --> 00:30:19,717
Throw yourself
into the road, darling!
414
00:30:19,819 --> 00:30:22,380
You haven't got a chance!
415
00:30:59,495 --> 00:31:03,125
At some point or another,
I want to stop and get hold of a child.
416
00:31:03,232 --> 00:31:05,133
What do you want a child for?
417
00:31:05,234 --> 00:31:07,362
To tutor it in the ways
of righteousness...
418
00:31:07,470 --> 00:31:09,768
and procure some
uncontaminated urine.
419
00:31:09,873 --> 00:31:14,207
This is a device enabling the drunken
driver to operate in absolute safety.
420
00:31:14,311 --> 00:31:19,213
You fill this with piss,
take this pipe down the trouser...
421
00:31:19,315 --> 00:31:23,480
and cellotape this valve
to the end of the old chap.
422
00:31:23,587 --> 00:31:27,455
Then you get horribly drunk,
and they can't fucking touch you.
423
00:31:27,558 --> 00:31:30,550
According
to these instructions,
424
00:31:30,661 --> 00:31:33,722
you refuse everything
but a urine sample.
425
00:31:33,831 --> 00:31:36,562
You undo your valve...
426
00:31:36,668 --> 00:31:40,263
and give 'em a dose
of unadulterated child's piss,
427
00:31:40,373 --> 00:31:43,398
and they have to give you
your keys back.
428
00:31:43,508 --> 00:31:47,605
Danny's a genius.
I'm gonna have a doze.
429
00:33:09,134 --> 00:33:11,728
- Are we there?
- No, we're not. We're here.
430
00:33:11,837 --> 00:33:15,170
We're in the middle
of a fucking gale.
431
00:33:15,272 --> 00:33:17,833
You'll have to keep
a look out your side.
432
00:33:17,943 --> 00:33:20,776
If you see anything, tell me.
Get hold of that map.
433
00:33:20,879 --> 00:33:23,610
- Where's the whiskey?
- What for?
434
00:33:23,716 --> 00:33:26,276
I got a bastard
behind the eyes.
435
00:33:26,386 --> 00:33:29,184
I can't take aspirins
without a drink.
436
00:33:29,287 --> 00:33:32,189
- Where's the aspirins?
- Probably in the bathroom.
437
00:33:32,291 --> 00:33:35,988
We've come out here in the middle
of nowhere without aspirins?
438
00:33:36,095 --> 00:33:39,360
- Where are we?
- How should I know where we are?
439
00:33:39,465 --> 00:33:42,867
I feel like a pig
shat in my head.
440
00:33:42,970 --> 00:33:46,532
Get hold of that map and look
for a place called Crow Crag.
441
00:34:03,658 --> 00:34:07,492
There must and shall be aspirin.
442
00:34:08,797 --> 00:34:11,858
Give me the keys.
Get out of the way.
443
00:34:11,966 --> 00:34:15,664
If I don't get aspirin,
I shall die...
444
00:34:15,771 --> 00:34:19,674
here on this
fucking mountainside!
445
00:34:35,026 --> 00:34:37,323
Christ Almighty!
446
00:35:11,932 --> 00:35:14,161
Monty.
447
00:35:31,086 --> 00:35:35,955
- What are you doing?
- Sitting down to enjoy my holiday.
448
00:35:38,794 --> 00:35:42,093
Right. Now, we're gonna have to
approach this scientifically.
449
00:35:42,197 --> 00:35:44,995
First thing we've got to do
is get this fire alight.
450
00:35:45,101 --> 00:35:47,331
Then we split into two
fact-finding groups.
451
00:35:47,435 --> 00:35:49,870
I'll deal with the water
and other plumbing.
452
00:35:49,972 --> 00:35:52,634
You can check the fuel
and wood situation.
453
00:35:56,779 --> 00:35:59,681
- What's that?
- The fuel and wood situation.
454
00:35:59,783 --> 00:36:02,774
There's nothing out there
except a hurricane.
455
00:36:06,790 --> 00:36:09,919
- This place is uninhabitable.
- Give it a chance. It's got to warm up.
456
00:36:10,027 --> 00:36:13,122
Warm up? We may as well
sit around a cigarette.
457
00:36:13,231 --> 00:36:15,791
This is ridiculous.
458
00:36:15,900 --> 00:36:19,233
We'll be found dead
in here next spring.
459
00:36:20,471 --> 00:36:23,235
I've got a blinding
fucking headache.
460
00:36:23,342 --> 00:36:25,902
We must have heat.
461
00:36:29,148 --> 00:36:31,377
We've got to keep
this bastard burning.
462
00:36:31,482 --> 00:36:34,145
Well, we've got enough
furniture for tonight.
463
00:36:34,253 --> 00:36:37,154
Tomorrow we'll go down
that farm and get some logs.
464
00:36:37,256 --> 00:36:41,454
Mistake, I'm telling you.
This was a dreadful mistake.
465
00:38:52,501 --> 00:38:55,061
- Who's there?
- Me.
466
00:38:58,507 --> 00:39:00,407
What do you want?
467
00:39:00,509 --> 00:39:03,740
I'm a friend of Montague Withnail's.
He's lent us his cottage.
468
00:39:03,847 --> 00:39:08,307
I wondered if you could
sell us some food... eggs and things.
469
00:39:08,418 --> 00:39:10,978
Hmm?
470
00:39:13,123 --> 00:39:16,651
What about wood and coal?
471
00:39:16,761 --> 00:39:19,729
I'm not from London, you know.
472
00:39:19,830 --> 00:39:23,095
I don't care
where you come from!
473
00:39:23,200 --> 00:39:26,067
Not the attitude
I'd been given to expect...
474
00:39:26,170 --> 00:39:28,400
from the H.E. Bates novel
I'd read.
475
00:39:28,506 --> 00:39:33,240
I thought they'd all be out the back,
drinking cider, discussing butter.
476
00:39:33,345 --> 00:39:35,245
Clearly a myth.
477
00:39:35,347 --> 00:39:39,443
Evidently, country people are
no more receptive to strangers
than city dwellers.
478
00:39:42,521 --> 00:39:46,423
Do you think you could tell me
where I could buy some coal and wood?
479
00:39:46,526 --> 00:39:49,653
You'll have to see me son.
He runs this farm.
480
00:39:49,762 --> 00:39:52,754
- Where is your son?
- Up in top fields.
481
00:39:52,864 --> 00:39:56,961
You can't miss him.
His leg's bound in polythene.
482
00:40:21,429 --> 00:40:24,831
Wake up, you bastard!
Wake up!
483
00:40:26,468 --> 00:40:29,801
Wake up, you bastard!
You gotta get wood.
484
00:40:31,740 --> 00:40:33,970
Jesus! You're covered in shit.
485
00:40:34,076 --> 00:40:35,976
I tried to get the fuel and wood.
486
00:40:36,078 --> 00:40:38,979
There's a miserable
little pensioner down there.
487
00:40:39,081 --> 00:40:41,811
- She wouldn't give it to me.
- Where are we gonna get it, then?
488
00:40:41,917 --> 00:40:44,215
There's a man on the mountain.
489
00:40:44,320 --> 00:40:47,848
Why he's up there fuck knows.
490
00:40:47,958 --> 00:40:50,688
But he's up there
with a leg in polythene.
491
00:40:50,794 --> 00:40:53,194
You can't miss him.
He's your man.
492
00:40:53,296 --> 00:40:55,993
And have another look
in that shed. Find anything.
493
00:40:56,100 --> 00:40:59,000
If you can't find anything,
bring in the shed.
494
00:41:03,441 --> 00:41:06,569
How come Monty owns
such a horrible little shack?
495
00:41:06,677 --> 00:41:08,611
No idea.
496
00:41:08,714 --> 00:41:11,274
You never discuss
your family, do you?
497
00:41:11,383 --> 00:41:14,181
I fail to see my family
as of any interest to you.
498
00:41:14,285 --> 00:41:16,846
I have absolutely
no interest in yours.
499
00:41:16,954 --> 00:41:20,584
I dislike relatives in general,
my own in particular.
500
00:41:20,692 --> 00:41:24,026
- Why?
- Because... I've told you why.
501
00:41:24,130 --> 00:41:28,089
We're incompatible.
They don't like me being on stage.
502
00:41:28,201 --> 00:41:30,863
Then they must be delighted
with your career.
503
00:41:30,969 --> 00:41:33,632
- What do you mean?
- You rarely are.
504
00:41:33,740 --> 00:41:35,935
You just wait!
Just you wait!
505
00:41:36,042 --> 00:41:39,102
When I strike, they
won't know what hit them.
506
00:41:39,212 --> 00:41:41,408
Tractor approaching.
507
00:41:41,515 --> 00:41:44,484
Now get after him.
That's the man.
508
00:41:46,954 --> 00:41:50,220
- Hey, stop!
- Stop!
509
00:41:50,324 --> 00:41:52,292
Stop! Please!
510
00:41:52,393 --> 00:41:55,089
Stop, please!
Please stop!
511
00:41:58,265 --> 00:42:00,962
Please stop!
512
00:42:01,069 --> 00:42:03,970
- Are you the farmer?
- Shut up! I'll deal with this!
513
00:42:04,072 --> 00:42:06,166
We've gone on holiday
by mistake.
514
00:42:06,274 --> 00:42:08,641
We're in this cottage here.
Are you the farmer?
515
00:42:08,744 --> 00:42:11,804
Stop saying that, Withnail!
Of course he's the fucking farmer!
516
00:42:11,914 --> 00:42:15,042
We're friends
of Montague Withnail.
517
00:42:15,151 --> 00:42:17,745
We desperately need
fuel and wood.
518
00:42:17,853 --> 00:42:21,152
Montague Withnail.
You must know him!
519
00:42:21,257 --> 00:42:23,419
Fat man, owns the cottage.
520
00:42:23,527 --> 00:42:26,428
I seen a fat man.
London type. Queer sort.
521
00:42:26,530 --> 00:42:28,760
Think his name's French, or summit.
522
00:42:28,865 --> 00:42:31,493
- French?
- Aye. Adriene De La Touche.
523
00:42:31,603 --> 00:42:34,163
He ain't been here
for a couple of years.
524
00:42:34,272 --> 00:42:37,571
- Last time I saw him
he was with his son.
- Yeah, that's him.
525
00:42:37,674 --> 00:42:41,873
Listen, we're bona fide.
We're not from London.
Could we have some fuel and wood?
526
00:42:41,980 --> 00:42:45,347
I could bring you some logs up later.
I've got the cows to feed first.
527
00:42:45,450 --> 00:42:47,884
- When?
- Shut up! That would be very kind.
528
00:42:47,986 --> 00:42:51,149
What about food? Do you think
you could sell us something to eat?
529
00:42:51,256 --> 00:42:54,226
I could bring you a chicken,
but you'll have to go to the village.
530
00:42:54,325 --> 00:42:56,385
- That would be very kind, Mr...
- Parkin.
531
00:42:56,495 --> 00:42:59,396
Mr. Parkin.
What happened to your leg?
532
00:42:59,498 --> 00:43:02,832
Got a randy bull up there.
Give me one in the knee.
533
00:43:16,449 --> 00:43:19,317
You wanna go out back?
Get some spuds up?
534
00:43:19,420 --> 00:43:23,151
Sorry, I can't.
My boots are in the oven.
535
00:43:23,257 --> 00:43:25,987
- You'd go if you had boots?
536
00:43:26,093 --> 00:43:28,084
Gladly.
537
00:43:53,356 --> 00:43:55,847
- I've got one!
538
00:44:21,519 --> 00:44:24,750
- Great. How much do we owe you?
- Pay us when you come down.
539
00:44:24,856 --> 00:44:27,120
- What about this chicken?
- He's on the back.
540
00:44:37,703 --> 00:44:40,638
With. With.
541
00:44:40,740 --> 00:44:43,834
Parkin's been.
There's our supper.
542
00:44:43,943 --> 00:44:46,742
- What are we supposed to do with that?
- Eat it.
543
00:44:46,847 --> 00:44:48,781
Eat it?
The fucker's alive.
544
00:44:48,882 --> 00:44:50,782
- Yeah, I know that.
You've gotta kill it.
- Me?
545
00:44:50,884 --> 00:44:54,912
- I'm fire lighter and fuel collector.
- Yeah, I know that,
but I got the logs in.
546
00:44:59,427 --> 00:45:02,123
It takes away your appetite
looking at it.
547
00:45:02,230 --> 00:45:04,721
No, it doesn't.
I'm starving.
548
00:45:04,832 --> 00:45:07,960
- How can we make it die?
- You have to throttle them.
549
00:45:08,069 --> 00:45:12,699
I think you should strangle it
instantly, in case it starts
to make friends with us.
550
00:45:12,808 --> 00:45:16,574
All right, get hold of it.
You hold it down. I'll strangle it.
551
00:45:16,678 --> 00:45:20,739
I can't. Those dreadful, beady eyes.
They stare you out.
552
00:45:20,849 --> 00:45:24,717
It's a bloody chicken! Just think
of it with bacon across its back.
553
00:45:24,820 --> 00:45:27,345
All right,
I'll deal with this.
554
00:45:27,457 --> 00:45:30,017
You'll have to get
its guts out.
555
00:45:37,400 --> 00:45:40,528
Never point guns at people!
It's extremely dangerous.
556
00:45:40,637 --> 00:45:43,471
What about this roasting dish?
What are we gonna cook it in?
557
00:45:43,574 --> 00:45:47,305
You're the food and plumbings man.
I have no idea.
I wish I'd found this an hour ago.
558
00:45:47,411 --> 00:45:50,175
I'd have taken great pleasure
in gunning this pullet down.
559
00:45:53,618 --> 00:45:56,643
- Shouldn't it be more bald than that?
- No, it shouldn't.
560
00:45:56,755 --> 00:46:01,351
Right. We're gonna
have to reverse the roles.
561
00:46:01,460 --> 00:46:05,659
We can bake the potatoes
in the oven...
562
00:46:05,764 --> 00:46:08,460
and we can boil
this bastard over the fire.
563
00:46:08,567 --> 00:46:11,331
- Let's get its feet off.
- No.
564
00:46:11,437 --> 00:46:13,928
It's gonna need its feet.
565
00:46:29,121 --> 00:46:31,852
It can stand with its legs
on either side of that.
566
00:46:39,333 --> 00:46:42,599
I've already put
two shilling pieces in.
567
00:46:42,704 --> 00:46:45,468
No, I haven't got another.
568
00:46:45,573 --> 00:46:48,872
It's not my fault
if the system doesn't work.
569
00:46:51,279 --> 00:46:53,646
The bitch hung up on me.
570
00:47:08,030 --> 00:47:11,000
Hello? How are you?
571
00:47:11,101 --> 00:47:13,763
Very well.
572
00:47:13,870 --> 00:47:18,239
A what? Why
wouldn't they see me?
573
00:47:18,342 --> 00:47:20,707
This is ridiculous.
574
00:47:20,811 --> 00:47:23,507
I haven't been up for a job
in three months!
575
00:47:23,614 --> 00:47:27,106
Understudy Constantine?
I'm not going to understudy Constantine.
576
00:47:27,218 --> 00:47:29,448
Why can't I play the part?
577
00:47:29,554 --> 00:47:31,785
This is ridiculous.
578
00:47:31,889 --> 00:47:34,756
No, I'm not in London.
Penrith.
579
00:47:34,860 --> 00:47:36,987
Penrith!
580
00:47:37,095 --> 00:47:39,120
Well, what about TV?
581
00:47:40,365 --> 00:47:43,130
Listen, I pay you
ten percent to do that.
582
00:47:43,235 --> 00:47:46,796
Well, lick ten percent
of the asses for me, then!
583
00:47:46,905 --> 00:47:49,636
Hello? Hello? Hello?
584
00:47:49,742 --> 00:47:54,304
Hello? How dare you?
Fuck you!
585
00:47:56,816 --> 00:48:01,618
The bastard asked me to understudy
Constantine in The Seagull.
586
00:48:03,957 --> 00:48:08,088
I don't want to understudy anybody,
especially that little pimp.
587
00:48:09,597 --> 00:48:12,191
Anyway, I loathe
those Russian plays.
588
00:48:12,299 --> 00:48:15,200
Always full of women
staring out of windows,
589
00:48:15,302 --> 00:48:17,361
whining about ducks
going to Moscow.
590
00:48:28,083 --> 00:48:30,711
What do you think
of Desmond Wolfe?
591
00:48:30,819 --> 00:48:33,947
- In respect of what?
- I'm thinking of changing my name.
592
00:48:34,055 --> 00:48:37,218
It's too like Donald Wolfit.
593
00:48:37,326 --> 00:48:39,351
Changeover point.
594
00:48:43,966 --> 00:48:46,527
- Think he's happier than us?
- No.
595
00:48:51,708 --> 00:48:53,836
I suppose happiness
is relative.
596
00:48:53,944 --> 00:48:56,674
I never thought it would be
a polythene bag without a hole in it.
597
00:48:56,780 --> 00:48:59,908
- Hey!
- What's the matter with him?
598
00:49:00,017 --> 00:49:03,350
- Shut the gate!
- You didn't shut the gate!
599
00:49:03,454 --> 00:49:05,445
Stop that bull!
600
00:49:07,291 --> 00:49:09,589
Stop that bull!
601
00:49:12,897 --> 00:49:15,957
Grab its ring!
Keep your bag up!
602
00:49:16,067 --> 00:49:18,434
Out-mind him.
603
00:49:18,537 --> 00:49:21,563
Hey, show no fear.
Just run at it.
604
00:49:21,674 --> 00:49:24,006
That can't be sensible, can it?
The bastard's about to run at me!
605
00:49:24,109 --> 00:49:26,408
- Well, he's randy!
- Yes, I know he is!
606
00:49:26,513 --> 00:49:28,810
Wants to get down there
and have sex with those cows.
607
00:49:28,915 --> 00:49:31,042
Shut up!
608
00:49:31,151 --> 00:49:35,247
- Run at it, shouting!
- Do as he says, start shouting.
609
00:49:37,657 --> 00:49:41,320
- He won't gore you.
- A coward you are, Withnail!
610
00:49:41,428 --> 00:49:44,659
An expert on bulls
you are not!
611
00:49:57,112 --> 00:49:59,012
Shut that gate
and keep it shut!
612
00:50:01,916 --> 00:50:04,818
I think an evening at the Crow.
613
00:50:07,589 --> 00:50:11,423
If the Crow and Crown
ever had life, it was dead now.
614
00:50:11,526 --> 00:50:14,051
It was like
walking into a lung,
615
00:50:14,163 --> 00:50:18,395
a sulfer-stained, nicotine
yellow and fly-blown lung.
616
00:50:18,501 --> 00:50:22,631
Its landlord was a retired alcoholic
with military pretensions...
617
00:50:22,739 --> 00:50:25,106
and a complexion
like the inside of a teapot.
618
00:50:26,109 --> 00:50:29,374
By the time the doors opened,
he was arse-holed on rum...
619
00:50:29,480 --> 00:50:31,607
and got progressively
more arse-holed...
620
00:50:31,715 --> 00:50:34,980
till he could take no more
621
00:50:37,922 --> 00:50:40,617
We'll have another pair
of large scotches.
622
00:50:58,277 --> 00:51:01,212
Thought I was going
for a minute.
623
00:51:01,313 --> 00:51:03,304
No man's put me down yet.
624
00:51:03,415 --> 00:51:05,508
Have you had any training
in the martial arts?
625
00:51:05,618 --> 00:51:08,018
Yes, as a matter of fact,
I have.
626
00:51:08,120 --> 00:51:10,988
Before I became a journalist,
I was in the Territorials.
627
00:51:11,091 --> 00:51:13,889
You know,
when you first came in,
628
00:51:13,994 --> 00:51:16,963
I knew you were a services man.
629
00:51:17,063 --> 00:51:20,522
You could never, never disguise it.
630
00:51:23,137 --> 00:51:26,368
- What were you in?
- Tanks.
631
00:51:26,474 --> 00:51:29,739
Africa Corps.
Little before your time.
632
00:51:29,844 --> 00:51:32,575
I don't suppose you've
engaged, have you?
633
00:51:32,680 --> 00:51:36,844
- Ireland.
- Ooh, crack at the Mick?
634
00:51:36,952 --> 00:51:39,887
We'll have another pair
of large scotches.
635
00:51:39,987 --> 00:51:42,548
These shall be my pleasure.
636
00:51:47,931 --> 00:51:49,899
What are you doing
up here, then?
637
00:51:49,998 --> 00:51:51,967
We're doing
a feature for Country Life.
638
00:51:52,067 --> 00:51:53,968
Survey of rural types.
639
00:51:54,069 --> 00:51:58,404
You know, farmers,
traveling tinkers,
640
00:51:58,508 --> 00:52:00,874
milkmen, that sort of thing.
641
00:52:00,977 --> 00:52:02,877
Have you...
642
00:52:05,381 --> 00:52:07,509
Have you metJake?
643
00:52:07,618 --> 00:52:10,178
Poacher.
Works the lake.
644
00:52:10,287 --> 00:52:13,814
But, uh, keep it
under your hat, hmm?
645
00:52:24,669 --> 00:52:26,762
What's all this army bollocks?
646
00:52:26,872 --> 00:52:29,500
We got a drink, didn't we?
647
00:52:32,244 --> 00:52:34,804
Time, gentlemen.
648
00:52:37,149 --> 00:52:39,140
I think he means it.
649
00:53:10,218 --> 00:53:13,313
- Go ask him if we can have one.
- What for?
650
00:53:13,421 --> 00:53:17,051
So we can eat it.
We're fed up with stew!
651
00:53:23,399 --> 00:53:26,391
Excuse me.
Could we have an eel?
652
00:53:26,502 --> 00:53:30,097
- You've got eels down your leg.
- You leave them alone.
653
00:53:30,205 --> 00:53:34,040
Nothing down there
of interest to you.
654
00:53:34,143 --> 00:53:36,908
Help us out, Raymond.
655
00:53:37,013 --> 00:53:41,178
These be fed
from asshole to beak.
656
00:53:43,019 --> 00:53:47,047
How about one of those pheasants?
Go on, ask him.
657
00:53:48,826 --> 00:53:52,592
Excuse me. We were wondering if we
could purchase a pheasant off of you?
658
00:53:52,698 --> 00:53:55,029
No. I've got nothing to sell.
659
00:53:55,132 --> 00:53:58,101
Come on, old boy.
What's in your hump?
660
00:53:58,202 --> 00:54:03,106
Now look, you. Them pheasants are
for his pot. These here are for my pot.
661
00:54:03,208 --> 00:54:06,143
Now what makes you think I should
give you something for your pot?
662
00:54:06,244 --> 00:54:09,008
- What pot?
- Our cooking pot.
663
00:54:09,114 --> 00:54:12,811
He knows. Hey, give us
a wheeze on that fag.
664
00:54:16,622 --> 00:54:20,059
I might come and see you lads in a week.
I might fetch you up a rabbit.
665
00:54:20,159 --> 00:54:22,923
We don't want a rabbit.
We want a pheasant.
666
00:54:23,029 --> 00:54:26,056
Listen, you young prat.
I ain't got no pheasants.
667
00:54:26,165 --> 00:54:28,691
I ain't got no birds,
no more than you have.
668
00:54:28,801 --> 00:54:31,930
Of course you have.
You're the poacher.
669
00:54:32,039 --> 00:54:35,031
If I hear more words
out of you,
670
00:54:35,142 --> 00:54:38,373
I'll put one of these here
black pods on you.
671
00:54:38,479 --> 00:54:41,539
- Don't threaten me with a dead fish.
- Half dead, he may be.
672
00:54:41,648 --> 00:54:45,312
But I'll come up after you,
and I'll wake you up with a live one.
673
00:54:45,420 --> 00:54:49,380
Sod your pheasants!
You'll have to find us first.
674
00:54:49,491 --> 00:54:52,324
I know where you are,
at Crow Crag.
675
00:54:52,427 --> 00:54:54,521
I've been watching you.
676
00:54:54,630 --> 00:54:57,394
Especially you,
prancing like a tit.
677
00:54:59,168 --> 00:55:01,966
You want working on, boy.
678
00:55:02,071 --> 00:55:05,871
If I see that silage heap
hanging about up here,
679
00:55:05,976 --> 00:55:09,207
I'll take the bastard
axe to him!
680
00:55:09,312 --> 00:55:13,214
Bastards!
You'll all suffer!
681
00:55:13,316 --> 00:55:15,784
I'll show the lot of you!
682
00:55:15,886 --> 00:55:19,323
I'm gonna be a star!
683
00:55:23,127 --> 00:55:25,220
Vegetables again.
684
00:55:25,296 --> 00:55:27,958
I'll be sprouting
bloody feelers soon.
685
00:55:28,066 --> 00:55:30,933
Must be 20,000 sheep
out there on those volcanoes,
686
00:55:31,035 --> 00:55:33,629
and we got a plate
full of carrots.
687
00:55:33,738 --> 00:55:37,105
- There's black puddings in it.
- Black puddings are no good to us.
688
00:55:37,209 --> 00:55:40,007
I want something's flesh!
689
00:55:51,590 --> 00:55:54,355
Look! Come here!
Down here. Look.
690
00:55:54,461 --> 00:55:57,191
Under the rock. I can see it.
691
00:55:58,431 --> 00:56:01,127
See him? Look.
692
00:56:01,234 --> 00:56:03,465
He's over there.
Look. Here.
693
00:56:03,570 --> 00:56:06,403
There's two of them here.
Look. Come on, come on.
694
00:56:06,507 --> 00:56:08,668
Where?
695
00:56:31,800 --> 00:56:34,997
I think I'll call myself
Donald Twain.
696
00:56:36,105 --> 00:56:40,235
Stop. Get down.
697
00:56:41,811 --> 00:56:44,279
It's him.
What does he want?
698
00:56:44,380 --> 00:56:47,747
- Go down there and ask him.
- Don't be a fool. He's got a gun.
699
00:56:47,850 --> 00:56:50,513
Bastard's psychotic.
You've only got to look at him.
700
00:57:00,832 --> 00:57:04,063
This place has become impossible.
701
00:57:04,169 --> 00:57:07,627
Perpetual rain, freezing cold.
702
00:57:07,739 --> 00:57:10,503
Now a bloody madman
on the prowl outside with eels.
703
00:57:10,608 --> 00:57:13,373
All right,
you made your point.
704
00:57:13,479 --> 00:57:16,642
We pack up.
We get out tomorrow.
705
00:57:16,749 --> 00:57:18,842
- What are you doing?
- I'm going for a slash.
706
00:57:18,950 --> 00:57:21,545
No, you're not. I can't get
my boots on when they're hot.
707
00:57:21,654 --> 00:57:24,384
- I'll go alone.
- You're not leaving me in here alone.
708
00:57:24,490 --> 00:57:28,052
- Those are the kind of windows
faces look in at.
- Then I won't have a slash.
709
00:57:28,161 --> 00:57:30,390
And in both our interests, I think
we should sleep together tonight.
710
00:57:30,496 --> 00:57:33,556
Don't be ridiculous.
He's not gonna come up here in the dark.
711
00:57:33,666 --> 00:57:36,067
Of course he is.
If he catches one of us,
712
00:57:36,169 --> 00:57:38,899
he's got a better chance
of dealing with the other.
713
00:57:39,005 --> 00:57:41,599
No.
714
00:57:54,655 --> 00:57:58,023
What's the matter with you?
What are you laughing at?
715
00:57:58,126 --> 00:58:00,492
I was dreaming.
What do you want?
716
00:58:00,596 --> 00:58:04,054
You frightened the piss out of me.
Move over. I'm getting in.
717
00:58:08,604 --> 00:58:12,097
Oh, this is ridiculous.
I'll have to sleep in your bed.
718
00:58:12,208 --> 00:58:14,608
- I'll have to come with you.
- Will you get out?
719
00:58:14,711 --> 00:58:17,475
- No.
- All right, then I will.
720
00:58:25,922 --> 00:58:28,824
All right, you can stay,
but the gun doesn't.
721
00:58:28,926 --> 00:58:31,621
No. I have to keep the gun.
I intend to remain awake.
722
00:58:31,729 --> 00:58:34,323
- This is my bed,
and I demand precedence.
- No!
723
00:58:40,071 --> 00:58:43,302
Mad fucking bastard!
724
00:59:05,965 --> 00:59:08,935
Shhh! Shhh!
725
00:59:09,035 --> 00:59:12,164
- Listen.
- There is nothing! Get to bed!
726
00:59:12,272 --> 00:59:14,672
I heard a noise.
727
00:59:14,775 --> 00:59:16,675
I must get in.
728
00:59:18,478 --> 00:59:21,936
Oh, for fuck's sake.
729
00:59:22,050 --> 00:59:24,245
- What was that?
- That's it. That's it.
730
00:59:24,351 --> 00:59:26,946
- What is it?
- It's the killer.
731
00:59:27,054 --> 00:59:31,014
- It's probably foxes looking for grub.
- Listen. Listen.
732
00:59:31,125 --> 00:59:33,855
Maybe it's the farmer.
733
00:59:33,961 --> 00:59:37,795
At 2:00 in the morning?
It's the killer.
734
00:59:37,899 --> 00:59:41,392
He's come to kill us.
What are we gonna do?
735
00:59:43,972 --> 00:59:46,908
He wants to come in.
He's trying to get in.
736
00:59:47,009 --> 00:59:50,001
He can't. He'll go away.
737
00:59:50,113 --> 00:59:52,206
He's going away.
738
00:59:57,587 --> 00:59:59,714
This is all your fault.
739
00:59:59,823 --> 01:00:02,792
You've even given him
the fucking gun.
740
01:00:07,697 --> 01:00:10,895
He's coming through the window.
He's getting in.
741
01:00:11,000 --> 01:00:14,164
- Give me the matches.
- Downstairs.
742
01:00:15,840 --> 01:00:20,402
He's in.
He's sharpening a fucking knife.
743
01:00:22,614 --> 01:00:26,015
We'll have to tackle him. You stay
in bed, pretending to be asleep.
744
01:00:26,118 --> 01:00:29,019
He'll go for you.
When he does, I'll jump on his back.
745
01:00:29,121 --> 01:00:32,056
No, no, no. It'll be too late.
I'll be knifed by then.
746
01:00:32,158 --> 01:00:34,991
We'll have to try
and make friends with him.
747
01:00:41,032 --> 01:00:44,400
They're going into your room.
It's you he wants.
748
01:00:44,504 --> 01:00:47,668
Offer him yourself.
749
01:00:58,419 --> 01:01:01,752
We mean no harm!
750
01:01:01,855 --> 01:01:06,190
Oh, my boys!
My boys! Forgive me!
751
01:01:06,294 --> 01:01:10,390
- Monty! Monty, Monty!
- Monty, you terrible cunt!
752
01:01:10,498 --> 01:01:13,729
Forgive me. It was inconsiderate
of me not to have telegrammed.
753
01:01:13,835 --> 01:01:16,828
What are you doing, prowling around
in the middle of the fucking night!
754
01:01:16,939 --> 01:01:20,875
I had a punctured tire.
I had to wait an eon for assistance.
755
01:01:20,976 --> 01:01:24,275
I'm sorry if I frightened you.
I should have knocked, but...
756
01:01:24,380 --> 01:01:28,374
- l- l-I'll sleep
in the other room, if I may.
- Anywhere you like.
757
01:01:28,484 --> 01:01:31,976
Uh, yes, well.
Uh... good night.
758
01:01:36,159 --> 01:01:39,322
Brrr! Ah, good morning.
Did you sleep well?
759
01:01:39,429 --> 01:01:41,329
Mm-hmm.
760
01:01:45,902 --> 01:01:49,270
Um, l-l-I do apologize
for last night.
761
01:01:49,373 --> 01:01:53,275
- It was perfectly inconsiderate of me.
- It's perfectly all right, Monty.
762
01:01:53,377 --> 01:01:56,210
- You've been busy in here?
- As a bee.
763
01:01:56,315 --> 01:02:00,251
- How did you repair the window?
- Oh, I didn't break it.
764
01:02:00,352 --> 01:02:05,016
Merely forced it a little.
Sorry if I frightened you.
765
01:02:05,122 --> 01:02:08,217
There was an empty
wine bottle on the ledge.
766
01:02:08,327 --> 01:02:11,455
Oh, tomatoes. Yes.
767
01:02:17,102 --> 01:02:20,561
Why don't you go and wake him?
Breakfast in 15 minutes.
768
01:02:20,673 --> 01:02:25,008
The old order changeth,
769
01:02:25,111 --> 01:02:28,603
yielding place to new.
770
01:02:28,715 --> 01:02:33,449
And God fulfills Himself
in many ways.
771
01:02:33,554 --> 01:02:36,022
And soon...
772
01:02:37,124 --> 01:02:39,422
I suppose...
773
01:02:39,527 --> 01:02:41,621
I shall be swept away...
774
01:02:41,730 --> 01:02:45,029
by some vulgar little tumor.
775
01:02:46,500 --> 01:02:48,935
Oh, my boys.
776
01:02:49,037 --> 01:02:52,495
My boys,
we're at the end of an age.
777
01:02:52,607 --> 01:02:55,906
We live in a land
of weather forecasts...
778
01:02:56,011 --> 01:02:58,913
and breakfasts that 'set in,'
779
01:02:59,015 --> 01:03:02,951
shat on by Tories,
shoveled up by Labor.
780
01:03:03,052 --> 01:03:06,852
And here we are... we three...
781
01:03:06,956 --> 01:03:11,359
perhaps the last island
of beauty in the world.
782
01:03:14,463 --> 01:03:18,332
Now, which of you is going to be
a splendid fellow...
783
01:03:18,436 --> 01:03:21,427
and go down to the Rolls
for the rest of the wine?
784
01:03:21,538 --> 01:03:24,804
- I will.
- No, I'd better go.
I wanna dig the car out anyway.
785
01:03:24,909 --> 01:03:28,675
- But we have my car, dear boy.
- Yes, but if it rains, we're buggered.
786
01:03:28,780 --> 01:03:31,112
- I mean...
- Stranded!
787
01:03:31,215 --> 01:03:34,707
- We'll leave the car till later.
Leave this to me.
- I'll come. I fancy a walk.
788
01:03:34,819 --> 01:03:38,653
No, I hear you're
a little wizard in the kitchen.
I shall need you, to work the joint.
789
01:03:38,756 --> 01:03:43,626
- Yeah, you're the cook.
- And... what on earth are those?
790
01:03:43,729 --> 01:03:46,061
- We forgot to bring our Wellingtons.
- Oh, but how dreadful.
791
01:03:46,165 --> 01:03:49,396
Do you mean you've been up here
in all this beastly mud and oomska
without Wellingtons?
792
01:03:49,501 --> 01:03:52,300
Well, this afternoon
I shall take you both into Penrith...
793
01:03:52,405 --> 01:03:56,034
and get you fitted with some
good quality rubber boots.
794
01:03:59,646 --> 01:04:03,139
Garlic, rosemary and salt.
795
01:04:04,884 --> 01:04:07,876
I brought two of these in case either
of you was any good in the kitchen.
796
01:04:07,988 --> 01:04:11,253
- I'm not.
- Of course you are. Cooking
is one of the natural instincts.
797
01:04:11,359 --> 01:04:15,090
Listen, Monty.
This is all very kind of you,
798
01:04:15,196 --> 01:04:17,664
but I really think I ought to be
out there getting work done on the car.
799
01:04:17,766 --> 01:04:20,360
You haven't time.
We're taking late luncheon at 3:00.
800
01:04:20,469 --> 01:04:23,529
- I'm afraid we have to leave
by 3:00, Monty.
- Leave?
801
01:04:23,639 --> 01:04:26,505
Oh, didn't he tell you?
We have to get back to sign on.
802
01:04:26,608 --> 01:04:32,103
- Sign on? At the Labor Exchange?
- Yeah.
803
01:04:32,214 --> 01:04:36,583
It's sort of fashionable, actually.
All the actors do it. Even Redgrave.
804
01:04:38,254 --> 01:04:42,623
But surely you could forego
for just this one occasion.
805
01:04:42,725 --> 01:04:45,558
I've come a very long way
to see you both.
806
01:04:45,662 --> 01:04:50,599
Can't, actually. I mean,
I'd love to stay, but he's more
adamant to get back than I am.
807
01:04:50,700 --> 01:04:53,829
Then we must choose
our moment...
808
01:04:56,073 --> 01:04:59,338
and have a word with him.
809
01:05:01,945 --> 01:05:04,709
I'm sure together
we could persuade him.
810
01:05:07,284 --> 01:05:10,777
There. Now, garlic,
811
01:05:10,889 --> 01:05:13,551
rosemary and salt.
812
01:05:13,658 --> 01:05:16,855
I can never touch meat
until it's cooked.
813
01:05:16,962 --> 01:05:20,227
As a youth, I used to weep
in butcher shops.
814
01:05:20,332 --> 01:05:23,495
- I can't find the rosemary.
- Ah.
815
01:05:25,571 --> 01:05:28,439
Can't find the rosemary.
816
01:05:30,109 --> 01:05:32,077
I'm sure we could find it
together.
817
01:05:34,981 --> 01:05:38,075
- Perhaps it's in the other bag.
- Perhaps it is.
818
01:05:38,185 --> 01:05:40,085
Shall we look?
819
01:05:43,924 --> 01:05:46,450
Oh, sorry. Sherry's in there.
820
01:05:51,932 --> 01:05:54,993
What do you mean, "sorry"? What's
going on? What's he doing here?
821
01:05:55,103 --> 01:05:57,367
We can't stay.
He won't leave me alone.
822
01:05:57,472 --> 01:05:59,873
All right. We'll get the lunch done,
and then we'll leave.
823
01:06:01,610 --> 01:06:05,171
I'm afraid
we must drink from these.
824
01:06:10,252 --> 01:06:13,517
I trust their shapes
will not offend your palates.
825
01:06:13,622 --> 01:06:18,025
- Chin-chin.
- To a delightful weekend in the country.
826
01:06:42,554 --> 01:06:44,886
I do think you could have shaved.
827
01:06:44,990 --> 01:06:48,084
What on earth will people
think of me turning up with you two?
828
01:06:48,193 --> 01:06:50,491
You look like a pair
of farm hands.
829
01:06:56,569 --> 01:06:58,469
Tsk!
830
01:06:58,571 --> 01:07:00,471
This is most embarrassing.
831
01:07:02,708 --> 01:07:05,176
Get away from the car.
832
01:07:05,278 --> 01:07:08,179
Buy the Wellingtons.
833
01:07:08,281 --> 01:07:11,683
I'm going to buy some razors
and shaving soap.
834
01:07:11,785 --> 01:07:14,549
I'll see you over there
in half an hour.
835
01:07:14,654 --> 01:07:17,556
- Pair of blues.
- One each.
836
01:07:19,059 --> 01:07:21,527
- I think a drink, don't you?
- What about the Wellingtons?
837
01:07:21,628 --> 01:07:23,528
Oh, bollocks
to the Wellingtons.
838
01:07:23,630 --> 01:07:26,532
We'll tell them they had a farmer's
conference and had a run on them.
839
01:07:36,010 --> 01:07:39,105
Okay. Yeah. Promise.
840
01:07:39,215 --> 01:07:41,581
Bye.
841
01:07:44,887 --> 01:07:49,847
No, hasn't heard a thing.
Apparently, they're still seeing people.
842
01:07:49,960 --> 01:07:52,951
You don't want to go to Manchester
anyway. Play a bloody soldier?
843
01:07:53,063 --> 01:07:55,394
Don't I?
I damned well do.
844
01:07:55,497 --> 01:07:58,194
- It's a bloody good little theater.
- It's not much of a part, is it?
845
01:07:58,301 --> 01:08:00,269
Well, it's better than nothing.
846
01:08:00,370 --> 01:08:03,771
- They'll make you cut your hair.
- So what? You'd lose a leg.
847
01:08:03,875 --> 01:08:06,843
- Time gents, please.
- All right. We're gonna
have to work quickly.
848
01:08:06,943 --> 01:08:10,607
A pair of quadruple whiskies
and another pair of pints, please.
849
01:08:14,785 --> 01:08:18,277
Where is he?
I'm utterly assholed.
850
01:08:18,389 --> 01:08:20,289
We're early.
851
01:08:22,293 --> 01:08:25,092
We want to get in there,
don't we?
852
01:08:25,197 --> 01:08:28,029
Eat some cake,
soak up the booze.
853
01:08:39,312 --> 01:08:41,610
- All right here?
- What do you want?
854
01:08:41,714 --> 01:08:45,844
- Cake. All right here?
- Uh, no. We're closing in a minute.
855
01:08:45,953 --> 01:08:48,352
We're leaving in a minute.
856
01:08:53,493 --> 01:08:57,692
- We want cake and tea.
- Didn't you hear?
857
01:08:57,798 --> 01:09:01,063
She said she'd closed.
What do you want in here?
858
01:09:01,168 --> 01:09:04,695
Cake.
What's it got to do with you?
859
01:09:04,805 --> 01:09:07,501
I happen to be the proprietor.
860
01:09:07,609 --> 01:09:10,042
Now, would you leave?
861
01:09:10,145 --> 01:09:13,343
Ah, I'm glad
you're the proprietor.
862
01:09:13,448 --> 01:09:16,383
I was gonna have to have
a word with you anyway.
863
01:09:16,484 --> 01:09:18,918
We're working on a film up here.
864
01:09:19,020 --> 01:09:21,545
Location, see.
865
01:09:21,657 --> 01:09:24,319
We might want to do
a film in here.
866
01:09:24,427 --> 01:09:29,057
- You're drunk.
- Just bring out the cakes.
Cake and fine wine.
867
01:09:29,165 --> 01:09:32,499
- If you don't leave,
we'll call the police.
- Balls!
868
01:09:32,602 --> 01:09:35,230
We want the finest wines
available to humanity.
869
01:09:35,339 --> 01:09:37,705
And we want them here,
and we want them now.
870
01:09:37,808 --> 01:09:40,174
Miss Blenehassitt, telephone the police.
871
01:09:40,277 --> 01:09:44,681
It's all right,
Miss Blenehassitt.
872
01:09:44,781 --> 01:09:48,979
I'm warning you,
if you do, you're fired.
873
01:09:49,087 --> 01:09:51,578
We're multimillionaires.
874
01:09:51,689 --> 01:09:54,021
We shall buy this place
and fire you immediately.
875
01:09:54,125 --> 01:09:59,062
Yes, we'll buy this place, and we'll
install a fucking jukebox in here...
876
01:09:59,163 --> 01:10:02,691
and liven
all of you stiffs up a bit.
877
01:10:02,800 --> 01:10:05,167
The police, Miss Blenehassitt.
878
01:10:05,270 --> 01:10:09,229
Just say there are a couple of drunks
in the Penrith Tea Rooms,
and we want them removed.
879
01:10:09,341 --> 01:10:12,709
We are not drunks.
We are multimillionaires.
880
01:10:12,811 --> 01:10:16,212
Hurry up, Mabs.
We'll keep them here till they arrive.
881
01:10:16,315 --> 01:10:18,477
You won't keep us anywhere.
882
01:10:18,585 --> 01:10:20,712
We'll buy this place
and have it knocked down.
883
01:10:20,819 --> 01:10:23,118
- Right, right, right.
- Police, please.
884
01:10:23,223 --> 01:10:25,851
Right. We're going.
885
01:10:25,960 --> 01:10:28,951
Our car has arrived.
886
01:10:29,062 --> 01:10:31,587
We'll be back.
887
01:10:31,699 --> 01:10:35,692
We're coming back in here.
888
01:10:40,709 --> 01:10:43,371
- Where is he?
- Sulking up the hill.
889
01:10:43,477 --> 01:10:45,844
He says he won't come in
for lunch without an apology.
890
01:10:45,947 --> 01:10:48,347
Suits me.
He can eat his fucking radish.
891
01:10:50,117 --> 01:10:52,018
It's all your fault.
892
01:10:52,120 --> 01:10:56,023
- You lead him astray.
- I beg your pardon, Monty.
893
01:10:56,124 --> 01:11:00,254
Don't tell me you're not aware of it.
I know what you're up to, and so do you.
894
01:11:00,362 --> 01:11:03,855
- Sherry?
- Sherry? Oh, dear, no, no, no.
895
01:11:03,966 --> 01:11:08,528
I'd be sucked into his trap.
One of us has got to stay on guard.
896
01:11:08,638 --> 01:11:11,801
He's so mauve.
We don't know what he's planning.
897
01:11:22,352 --> 01:11:25,583
I'm preparing myself
to forgive you.
898
01:11:27,558 --> 01:11:30,494
I think
you've been punished enough.
899
01:11:32,230 --> 01:11:35,597
I think we'd better release you
from the légumes...
900
01:11:35,700 --> 01:11:38,191
and transfer your talents
to the meat.
901
01:11:45,678 --> 01:11:48,511
You shouldn't treat each other
so badly.
902
01:11:48,614 --> 01:11:51,708
This boy's been out there
frozen to the marrow,
903
01:11:51,817 --> 01:11:54,217
and you just sit in here
drinking.
904
01:11:54,320 --> 01:11:58,451
Come along. He's going
to revitalize himself, and you're
going to finish the vegetables.
905
01:11:58,558 --> 01:12:00,992
- I don't know how to do them.
- Well, of course you don't.
906
01:12:01,094 --> 01:12:03,494
You are incapable of indulging
in anything but pleasure.
907
01:12:03,597 --> 01:12:06,532
Am I not right?
You don't deserve such loyalty.
908
01:12:06,634 --> 01:12:11,264
Now, come along. I'm going
to teach you how to peel a potato.
909
01:12:16,611 --> 01:12:19,842
Isn't it stimulating, getting back
to a basic sort of life for a while?
910
01:12:19,947 --> 01:12:22,712
- Yes.
- Surrounded by trees and nature,
911
01:12:22,818 --> 01:12:25,810
one feels a glorious stirring
of the senses...
912
01:12:25,921 --> 01:12:28,218
a rejection
of poisonous inhibition...
913
01:12:28,323 --> 01:12:30,814
and a fecund motion of the soul.
914
01:12:30,926 --> 01:12:35,990
Except, of course, the problems
tend to take the edge off the pleasure.
915
01:12:36,099 --> 01:12:40,593
I mean, with no proper facilities.
916
01:12:40,703 --> 01:12:44,400
All the glorious trials
of youth, dear boy.
917
01:12:44,507 --> 01:12:50,174
When I was a lad, I'd rocket off
on my tandem with Wrigglesworth,
and we'd just ride and ride.
918
01:12:50,280 --> 01:12:55,047
And at night we'd find
some barn and fall asleep,
919
01:12:55,152 --> 01:12:58,713
with the perfumes of nature
sighing on our skin.
920
01:12:58,822 --> 01:13:02,349
Would it be in bad form
to plagiarize a toast?
921
01:13:02,459 --> 01:13:05,293
It depends entirely
on the quality of the wine.
922
01:13:05,397 --> 01:13:08,662
In this instance,
it most certainly would not.
923
01:13:08,767 --> 01:13:13,329
In that case, to a delightful
weekend in the country.
924
01:13:13,438 --> 01:13:15,338
Oh, splendid!
925
01:13:19,211 --> 01:13:22,010
We expected a volley of argument
concerning Mr. Redgrave.
926
01:13:22,114 --> 01:13:25,777
- We're forgetting aboutJake...
- Not another word.
927
01:13:25,885 --> 01:13:28,080
Not another word.
Jake can wait too.
928
01:13:28,188 --> 01:13:31,645
Jake isn't a friend, Monty.
I'd hoped to avoid telling you this,
929
01:13:31,757 --> 01:13:34,521
but there's a psychotic
on the prowl outside this house.
930
01:13:34,628 --> 01:13:38,462
Ask him if I exaggerate.
He's threatened us, and he's dangerous.
931
01:13:38,565 --> 01:13:40,590
Is this true?
932
01:13:40,701 --> 01:13:43,761
Well, there's this local type
hanging about.
933
01:13:43,870 --> 01:13:48,330
A poacher. We got into a tiff,
and he threatened me with a dead fish.
934
01:13:48,442 --> 01:13:51,207
Yes, it was rather amusing, actually.
935
01:13:51,312 --> 01:13:54,509
When you came in,
we thought it was him.
936
01:13:54,616 --> 01:13:58,712
And we thought that you
cleaning your boots...
937
01:13:58,821 --> 01:14:00,721
was him sharpening his knife.
938
01:14:03,525 --> 01:14:06,653
Oh, how delicious.
939
01:14:06,762 --> 01:14:10,289
Mmm, more meat?
940
01:14:10,399 --> 01:14:12,868
No, thank you.
I'll go out for a walk.
941
01:14:12,968 --> 01:14:16,995
Oh, wait for us to finish,
dear boy. We'll all go.
942
01:14:19,442 --> 01:14:23,538
Listen, I know what you're thinking,
but I had no alternative.
943
01:14:23,647 --> 01:14:26,411
The old bugger's come a long way, and
I didn't want to put the wind up him.
944
01:14:26,516 --> 01:14:28,677
Your sensitivity overwhelms me.
945
01:14:28,786 --> 01:14:32,312
If you think you're gonna have
a weekend's indulgence at his expense,
946
01:14:32,422 --> 01:14:34,982
which means him having
a weekend's indulgence at my expense,
947
01:14:35,092 --> 01:14:37,322
- you've got another thing coming.
- I give you my word.
948
01:14:37,428 --> 01:14:40,193
- We'll leave first thing
tomorrow morning.
- Tomorrow? What about tonight?
949
01:14:40,298 --> 01:14:42,698
- He's not gonna try anything.
- Of course he is!
950
01:14:42,801 --> 01:14:46,635
- He means business.
- Anyway, he sent me out
to tell you coffee's ready.
951
01:14:46,738 --> 01:14:50,139
I couldn't drink it. I've got
a cramp in the mouth from grinning.
952
01:14:50,242 --> 01:14:52,710
- Well, stop smiling at him.
- I can't help it.
953
01:14:52,811 --> 01:14:55,905
I'm so uptight with him,
I can't stop myself.
954
01:14:58,084 --> 01:15:01,884
"Laisse-moir respirir,
955
01:15:01,954 --> 01:15:06,857
longtemps longtemps
L 'odeur de tes cheveux. "
956
01:15:06,959 --> 01:15:10,122
Ah, Baudelaire.
957
01:15:10,230 --> 01:15:13,892
Brings back such memories
of Oxford!
958
01:15:14,001 --> 01:15:15,992
Oh, Oxford!
959
01:15:16,103 --> 01:15:19,629
Followed by yet another
anecdote about his sensitive crimes...
960
01:15:19,740 --> 01:15:21,901
in a punt with a chap
called Norman...
961
01:15:22,009 --> 01:15:23,909
who had red hair
and a book of poetry...
962
01:15:24,011 --> 01:15:26,139
stained with the butter drips
from crumpets.
963
01:15:26,247 --> 01:15:29,341
I often wonder
where Norman is now.
964
01:15:29,451 --> 01:15:31,748
Probably wintering
with his mother in Guildford.
965
01:15:31,853 --> 01:15:33,753
A cat and rain.
966
01:15:33,855 --> 01:15:35,755
Vim under the sink.
967
01:15:35,857 --> 01:15:38,884
And both bars on.
968
01:15:38,993 --> 01:15:41,894
But old now... old.
969
01:15:41,997 --> 01:15:44,659
There can be no true beauty
without decay.
970
01:15:44,767 --> 01:15:50,262
"A requiem for England."
- How right you are. How right you are.
971
01:15:50,373 --> 01:15:53,865
We live in a kingdom of rains...
972
01:15:53,976 --> 01:15:57,776
where royalty comes in gangs.
973
01:15:57,880 --> 01:16:01,214
Come on, lads. Let's get home.
The sky is beginning to bruise.
974
01:16:01,318 --> 01:16:04,845
Night must fall,
and we shall be forced to camp.
975
01:16:06,490 --> 01:16:09,050
He's not in my room, all right?
That's the condition, all right?
976
01:16:09,159 --> 01:16:11,628
- All right.
- I want the room with the lock.
Agree to that, or I'm off.
977
01:16:11,728 --> 01:16:13,629
All right. All right.
978
01:16:21,038 --> 01:16:24,975
Good ol'Jake, eh?
I told you. He's back.
979
01:16:25,076 --> 01:16:27,978
And that's precisely the reason
I'm off to London.
980
01:16:28,080 --> 01:16:30,776
Let's all have a good laugh,
eh, Withnail?
981
01:16:30,883 --> 01:16:33,977
Good ol'Jake is back.
982
01:16:34,086 --> 01:16:36,520
He's going away.
He's leaving.
983
01:16:36,622 --> 01:16:39,819
Come on. Let's pack up and get out
of here before it gets dark.
984
01:16:57,311 --> 01:17:01,042
"Here hare, here."
985
01:17:02,149 --> 01:17:04,413
"Here hare, here."
986
01:17:04,518 --> 01:17:06,418
Good ol'Jake.
987
01:17:15,764 --> 01:17:20,724
Ace bets.
Ace bets two and it's over to you.
988
01:17:20,803 --> 01:17:24,499
Your two and up two.
989
01:17:24,607 --> 01:17:26,507
- Mmm.
- So that's four?
990
01:17:26,609 --> 01:17:28,804
That's four.
991
01:17:30,746 --> 01:17:36,310
- Four.
- This is for the raise.
We'll see the two.
992
01:17:36,419 --> 01:17:39,355
Now, last card up.
993
01:17:39,456 --> 01:17:41,481
"Looking a bit lonely, isn't he?"
994
01:17:41,592 --> 01:17:44,618
" He needs a queen
to come to the rescue."
995
01:17:47,097 --> 01:17:49,827
And... oh!
996
01:17:52,804 --> 01:17:55,364
There she is.
997
01:17:55,473 --> 01:17:58,909
Oh!
998
01:18:03,147 --> 01:18:06,276
Well, it's the two queens
to beat.
999
01:18:20,300 --> 01:18:22,494
Another hand?
1000
01:18:26,374 --> 01:18:29,342
I think we'd better
get him to bed.
1001
01:18:29,442 --> 01:18:31,876
No, no. He's down here.
1002
01:18:34,248 --> 01:18:36,477
You're in my room,
I'm in his room and he's down here.
1003
01:18:36,584 --> 01:18:40,680
I wouldn't dream of depriving
the dear fellow of his bed,
especially in that condition.
1004
01:18:40,788 --> 01:18:43,484
- But it's agreed. It's what he wants.
- No, I don't.
1005
01:18:43,592 --> 01:18:45,492
I wanna get to bed.
1006
01:18:47,062 --> 01:18:50,031
All right then, lovey.
Let's get you to bed.
1007
01:18:50,132 --> 01:18:52,566
Early night will do us both good.
1008
01:18:54,703 --> 01:18:58,799
- Night-night, then, Monty.
- I want to be alone!
1009
01:19:01,578 --> 01:19:03,478
I wanna be alone.
1010
01:19:25,936 --> 01:19:28,496
I think he'd better
sleep alone tonight.
1011
01:19:30,641 --> 01:19:35,079
- He doesn't want to sleep with you.
- Right.
1012
01:19:35,179 --> 01:19:38,672
Well, you're in there,
1013
01:19:38,783 --> 01:19:41,251
and I'll take these
and I'll have the couch.
1014
01:19:42,754 --> 01:19:45,188
I'll say good night, then, Monty.
1015
01:19:45,290 --> 01:19:49,523
You already have... twice.
1016
01:20:18,126 --> 01:20:21,687
What is it, Monty? I'm terribly tired.
I need to go to sleep.
1017
01:20:21,797 --> 01:20:25,232
But not that tired, eh?
1018
01:20:30,372 --> 01:20:35,366
- Are you a sponge or a stone?
- What do you mean?
1019
01:20:35,477 --> 01:20:38,970
Do you like to experience
all facets of life?
1020
01:20:39,082 --> 01:20:42,573
Or do you shut yourself off
from new experience?
1021
01:20:42,685 --> 01:20:44,950
- I voted Conservative.
- Are you faithful?
1022
01:20:45,055 --> 01:20:48,492
- To whom?
- Faithfulness isn't selective.
1023
01:20:48,591 --> 01:20:52,527
I agree. It's more a question of
selecting to whom one will be faithful.
1024
01:20:52,629 --> 01:20:56,828
- Have you selected?
- I'm terribly tired.
1025
01:20:56,934 --> 01:21:00,870
I've been watching you
all evening.
1026
01:21:00,971 --> 01:21:04,134
You've been avoiding my eyes,
haven't you?
1027
01:21:04,241 --> 01:21:06,641
- Your eyes?
- Mmm.
1028
01:21:06,744 --> 01:21:10,111
At luncheon, you couldn't tear
your gaze from mine.
1029
01:21:10,215 --> 01:21:12,775
This evening,
you barely looked at me.
1030
01:21:12,884 --> 01:21:15,045
What did he say to you?
1031
01:21:15,153 --> 01:21:18,020
- Nothing.
- You can tell me.
1032
01:21:18,123 --> 01:21:20,751
I assure you, nothing, M-Monty.
1033
01:21:20,859 --> 01:21:24,761
I'm terribly tired.
I need to go to bed.
1034
01:21:24,864 --> 01:21:27,799
Yes, you must, mustn't you?
1035
01:21:27,899 --> 01:21:30,529
Off you go, then.
1036
01:21:30,636 --> 01:21:32,729
I'll sleep here.
1037
01:21:32,839 --> 01:21:36,866
It won't be the first time
I've been left with the couch.
1038
01:21:53,788 --> 01:21:56,279
Boy.
1039
01:21:58,193 --> 01:22:00,991
Boy.
1040
01:22:01,096 --> 01:22:05,123
I know you're not asleep, boy.
1041
01:22:05,233 --> 01:22:09,068
But he is.
1042
01:22:09,171 --> 01:22:12,766
I've been into his room.
1043
01:22:12,875 --> 01:22:15,673
He won't hear a thing.
1044
01:22:18,647 --> 01:22:20,548
I know you're not asleep, boy.
1045
01:22:20,649 --> 01:22:23,813
No, I'm not.
What is it, Monty?
1046
01:22:23,919 --> 01:22:27,880
What do you want?
1047
01:22:27,991 --> 01:22:31,826
I had to come.
I tried not to.
1048
01:22:31,928 --> 01:22:34,557
Oh, how I tried not to.
1049
01:22:34,664 --> 01:22:36,963
Monty, there's something
I have to explain to you.
1050
01:22:37,068 --> 01:22:39,468
You needn't explain.
He's told me everything.
1051
01:22:39,570 --> 01:22:41,470
He told me that
first day you came to Chelsea.
1052
01:22:41,572 --> 01:22:46,100
- What's he told you?
- He told me about your arrest
in the Tottenham Court Road.
1053
01:22:46,210 --> 01:22:48,678
He told me about your problems,
1054
01:22:48,779 --> 01:22:51,510
how you feel, your desires.
1055
01:22:51,617 --> 01:22:55,348
- Problems? What problems?
- You are a toilet trader.
1056
01:22:55,454 --> 01:22:58,082
- He told you that?
- You mustn't blame him.
1057
01:22:58,190 --> 01:23:02,355
You mustn't blame yourself. I know
how you feel and how difficult it is.
1058
01:23:02,462 --> 01:23:07,729
And that's why you mustn't hold back,
let it ruin your youth as I nearly did
over Eric.
1059
01:23:07,834 --> 01:23:10,894
It's like a tide.
Give in to it, boy.
1060
01:23:11,004 --> 01:23:15,407
Go with it.
It's society's crime, not ours.
1061
01:23:15,508 --> 01:23:18,636
- I'm not homosexual, Monty.
- Yes, you are!
1062
01:23:18,745 --> 01:23:22,477
Of course you are. You're
simply blackmailing your emotions...
1063
01:23:22,583 --> 01:23:25,246
to avoid the realities
of your relationship with him.
1064
01:23:25,352 --> 01:23:28,481
- What are you talking about?
- You love him.
1065
01:23:28,590 --> 01:23:30,990
And it isn't his fault
he cannot love you...
1066
01:23:31,092 --> 01:23:34,118
any more than it's mine
that I adore you.
1067
01:23:37,899 --> 01:23:41,062
Couldn't we allow ourselves
just this one moment of indiscretion?
1068
01:23:41,170 --> 01:23:43,070
- No!
- He need never know.
1069
01:23:43,172 --> 01:23:46,266
I don't care what he knows! Monty,
you've gotta go! You've gotta leave!
1070
01:23:46,375 --> 01:23:48,900
If you want to humiliate me,
humiliate me.
1071
01:23:49,011 --> 01:23:50,945
I adore you.
1072
01:23:51,047 --> 01:23:53,743
Tell him, if you must.
I no longer care.
1073
01:23:53,849 --> 01:23:57,809
I mean to have you,
even if it must be burglary!
1074
01:23:59,656 --> 01:24:01,556
It's not me, it's him!
1075
01:24:07,598 --> 01:24:10,123
He lied to you.
We're an affair.
1076
01:24:10,233 --> 01:24:12,963
We have been for years,
but he doesn't want you to know.
1077
01:24:13,071 --> 01:24:16,973
He doesn't want anybody to know.
We're both in it.
We're obsessed with each other.
1078
01:24:17,075 --> 01:24:20,704
But he's ashamed. He refuses
to come out and accept what he is.
1079
01:24:20,812 --> 01:24:23,610
That's why he's rejecting me
while you're here.
1080
01:24:23,715 --> 01:24:28,483
On my life, Monty, this is the first
night we haven't slept together
for six years.
1081
01:24:28,587 --> 01:24:30,612
I can't cheat on him.
It would kill him.
1082
01:24:30,722 --> 01:24:34,159
But he told me you were in purgatory
because he couldn't love you.
1083
01:24:34,259 --> 01:24:37,252
He's lying. Lying!
1084
01:24:37,363 --> 01:24:41,629
Oh, my dear boy.
1085
01:24:41,735 --> 01:24:44,863
If I had known that, I would never
have attempted to come between you.
1086
01:24:44,971 --> 01:24:47,405
I know that, Monty.
1087
01:24:47,507 --> 01:24:49,976
I respect you
for your sensitivity.
1088
01:24:50,076 --> 01:24:52,340
I thank you for it,
1089
01:24:52,445 --> 01:24:54,709
but you must leave.
1090
01:24:56,951 --> 01:25:00,078
Yes.
1091
01:25:00,187 --> 01:25:03,554
Yes. You'd better go to him.
1092
01:25:03,658 --> 01:25:05,853
Oh, I intend to.
1093
01:25:05,961 --> 01:25:08,087
This instant.
1094
01:25:08,530 --> 01:25:11,863
Withnail, you bastard. Wake up.
1095
01:25:11,933 --> 01:25:16,961
Wake up, you bastard,
or I'll burn this bastard bed down.
1096
01:25:17,072 --> 01:25:21,532
I deny all accusations.
What do you want?
1097
01:25:21,643 --> 01:25:23,874
I have just narrowly avoided
having a buggering.
1098
01:25:23,980 --> 01:25:26,949
I've come in here with the express
intention of wishing one on you.
1099
01:25:27,050 --> 01:25:29,610
Having said that, I now intend
to leave for London.
1100
01:25:29,719 --> 01:25:32,244
Hold on. Don't let your
imagination run away with you.
1101
01:25:32,355 --> 01:25:34,654
Imagination? I just finished
fighting a naked man.
1102
01:25:34,757 --> 01:25:37,226
How dare you tell him
I'm a toilet trader!
1103
01:25:37,327 --> 01:25:39,887
It was a tactical necessity.
1104
01:25:39,997 --> 01:25:42,830
If I hadn't told him you were active,
we'd never have got the cottage.
1105
01:25:42,933 --> 01:25:44,833
I never have wanted it...
not with him in it!
1106
01:25:44,935 --> 01:25:48,702
Geez. He'd come all this way.
1107
01:25:48,806 --> 01:25:53,107
- Monty? He'd go to New York.
- It was a calculated risk.
1108
01:25:53,211 --> 01:25:55,805
What is all this tactical
necessity and calculated risk?
1109
01:25:55,914 --> 01:25:58,610
This is me naked in a corner!
1110
01:25:58,716 --> 01:26:01,312
And how dare you tell him
I love you.
1111
01:26:01,419 --> 01:26:04,252
And how dare you tell him
you rejected me.
1112
01:26:04,355 --> 01:26:07,291
- How dare you tell him that!
- Sorry about that.
1113
01:26:07,392 --> 01:26:10,759
Got a bit carried away.
Sort of said it without thinking.
1114
01:26:10,863 --> 01:26:14,390
Let me tell you something, Withnail.
If he comes into my room again,
it's murder,
1115
01:26:14,500 --> 01:26:17,492
and you will be held
responsible in law.
1116
01:26:23,442 --> 01:26:26,640
"Perhaps it is appropriate justice
for the eavesdropper...
1117
01:26:26,746 --> 01:26:30,114
"that he should leave
as his trade determines...
1118
01:26:30,217 --> 01:26:34,313
"in secrecy and in the dead of night.
1119
01:26:34,421 --> 01:26:38,118
- "I do sincerely hope that
you will find the happiness...
1120
01:26:38,225 --> 01:26:41,787
"which, alas,
has always been denied to me.
1121
01:26:43,731 --> 01:26:46,791
"I am yours ever faithfully,
1122
01:26:46,901 --> 01:26:48,801
Montague H. Withnail."
1123
01:26:50,506 --> 01:26:52,940
Poor old bastard.
1124
01:26:53,041 --> 01:26:54,941
I would say...
1125
01:26:56,478 --> 01:27:00,575
that that represents
a degree of hypocrisy...
1126
01:27:00,683 --> 01:27:05,279
I've hitherto suspected in you but not
noticed, due to highly evasive skills.
1127
01:27:05,388 --> 01:27:09,347
Christ, Withnail.
You'll suffer for this.
1128
01:27:09,458 --> 01:27:11,893
What you have done
will have to be paid for.
1129
01:27:11,995 --> 01:27:13,964
I will say one thing for Monty.
1130
01:27:14,064 --> 01:27:16,258
He keeps a sensational cellar.
1131
01:27:26,077 --> 01:27:28,705
- Who's there?
- Telegram.
1132
01:27:52,705 --> 01:27:55,139
Well done.
1133
01:27:55,241 --> 01:27:59,143
Well, it doesn't mean
to say I've got it. They probably
just want to see me again.
1134
01:28:02,115 --> 01:28:05,175
Well, that settles it, then.
We'll leave immediately.
1135
01:28:05,285 --> 01:28:08,049
What?
1136
01:28:08,155 --> 01:28:11,319
- Get your kit together.
We're leaving in half an hour.
- Half an hour?
1137
01:28:11,426 --> 01:28:14,326
Don't be ridiculous.
I need at least an hour for lunch.
1138
01:28:23,104 --> 01:28:27,063
You've got a truck coming up.
About 200 yards.
1139
01:28:27,175 --> 01:28:30,771
Followed by a left slow hander.
1140
01:28:30,879 --> 01:28:33,713
This is insanity!
I can't keep this up!
1141
01:28:33,816 --> 01:28:37,377
Stay in this lane.
Bear right. Bear right.
1142
01:28:37,487 --> 01:28:40,047
What lane? What lane?
I can't see the fucking lane.
1143
01:28:40,156 --> 01:28:42,590
Bear right! Bear right!
Bear right!
1144
01:28:45,561 --> 01:28:49,965
That's it. Next garage, I've gotta
do something about that wiper.
1145
01:28:50,066 --> 01:28:53,797
And I've got to get some sleep.
1146
01:29:20,565 --> 01:29:23,967
- What's going on?
- I'm making time.
1147
01:29:38,018 --> 01:29:41,454
Are you out of your mind? Pull over.
You haven't got a license.
1148
01:29:41,554 --> 01:29:43,523
No. I'm making time.
1149
01:29:54,035 --> 01:29:56,435
- Where are we?
- We're approaching London.
1150
01:29:59,607 --> 01:30:03,873
- Here comes another fucker.
1151
01:30:11,988 --> 01:30:14,616
- Oh, no!
1152
01:30:14,724 --> 01:30:17,591
Perfectly all right.
Leave him to me.
1153
01:30:17,693 --> 01:30:20,491
You're full of scotch,
you silly tool.
1154
01:31:31,105 --> 01:31:34,564
A bit early in the morning
for festivities, isn't it?
1155
01:31:34,676 --> 01:31:36,973
These aren't mine.
They belong to him.
1156
01:31:37,079 --> 01:31:40,879
- You're drunk.
- I assure you I'm not, officer.
1157
01:31:40,982 --> 01:31:44,248
Honestly,
I've only had a few ales.
1158
01:31:44,352 --> 01:31:48,345
Out of the car... please.
1159
01:31:48,457 --> 01:31:50,357
Sir.
1160
01:31:57,400 --> 01:32:00,335
I want you to take one
deep breath and fill this bag.
1161
01:32:01,939 --> 01:32:05,635
- Are you refusing to fill this bag?
- I most certainly am.
1162
01:32:05,741 --> 01:32:08,973
- I'm placing you under arrest.
- Don't be ridiculous.
I haven't done anything.
1163
01:32:09,079 --> 01:32:11,274
- Come on.
- Look here, my cousin's a QC.
1164
01:32:11,381 --> 01:32:13,281
Get in the back of the van!
1165
01:32:26,397 --> 01:32:28,798
Hey, sarge,
what's that clown doing?
1166
01:33:04,605 --> 01:33:08,006
- Where's our checks?
- Didn't sign on.
1167
01:33:08,109 --> 01:33:11,340
That wouldn't make any difference
in last week's payments.
1168
01:33:39,610 --> 01:33:42,373
What are you doing in my bed?
1169
01:33:42,478 --> 01:33:46,973
- I've been asleep.
- Who is the huge spade in the bath?
1170
01:33:47,084 --> 01:33:49,484
Presuming Ed.
1171
01:33:49,587 --> 01:33:52,454
You've got ten minutes, right?
I want you out 'cause I want to get in.
1172
01:33:52,556 --> 01:33:55,184
Ten minutes, right?
You better be on your feet.
1173
01:33:58,563 --> 01:34:01,760
- How did you get in?
- Ingenuity, man.
1174
01:34:01,866 --> 01:34:04,130
Come up the drain pipe.
1175
01:34:04,236 --> 01:34:07,296
- Would you like a smoke?
- Yes.
1176
01:34:07,405 --> 01:34:09,839
No, thanks.
I've got a call to make.
1177
01:34:14,347 --> 01:34:16,281
What are you gonna do
with those?
1178
01:34:16,383 --> 01:34:20,716
The joint I'm about to roll
requires a craftsman.
1179
01:34:20,820 --> 01:34:23,311
It can utilize up to 12 skins.
1180
01:34:23,423 --> 01:34:26,392
It is called
a Camberwell Carrot.
1181
01:34:26,492 --> 01:34:28,893
It's impossible to use
12 papers in one joint.
1182
01:34:28,996 --> 01:34:32,693
It's impossible to make
a Camberwell Carrot with anything less.
1183
01:34:32,799 --> 01:34:35,564
- Who says it's a Camberwell Carrot?
- I do.
1184
01:34:35,670 --> 01:34:39,470
I invented it in Camberwell,
and it looks like a carrot.
1185
01:34:39,574 --> 01:34:42,668
Do you realize this gaff's
overwhelmed with rodents?
1186
01:34:42,777 --> 01:34:45,337
When I come in, I seen one
the size of a fucking dog.
1187
01:34:45,446 --> 01:34:48,574
That is a dog. Belongs
to the fellow downstairs.
1188
01:34:48,683 --> 01:34:50,845
Does his dog get in the oven?
1189
01:34:50,953 --> 01:34:54,184
- No, his dog doesn't come up here.
- Then it was a rodent.
1190
01:34:54,290 --> 01:34:57,487
Opened the oven door, and
it was in there looking at me.
1191
01:34:57,593 --> 01:35:01,859
Quite freaked me at the time.
I was gonna cook onions.
1192
01:35:01,964 --> 01:35:04,160
- Are you going to bed now?
- No.
1193
01:35:04,267 --> 01:35:06,167
Phone.
1194
01:35:08,338 --> 01:35:11,330
- Who's he going to telephone?
- Squat Betty.
1195
01:35:12,809 --> 01:35:16,176
His agent. He's wasting his time
because he won't be in.
1196
01:35:40,205 --> 01:35:43,402
This'll tend
to make you very high.
1197
01:35:46,645 --> 01:35:51,173
This grass is the most powerful
in the Western Hemisphere.
1198
01:35:51,283 --> 01:35:55,414
I have it specially flown in
from my man in Mexico.
1199
01:35:56,889 --> 01:35:59,187
He's an expert.
1200
01:35:59,292 --> 01:36:01,761
His name is Juan.
1201
01:36:01,861 --> 01:36:06,959
This grass grows at exactly
2,000 feet above sea level.
1202
01:36:09,203 --> 01:36:11,535
You got the part, man?
1203
01:36:16,076 --> 01:36:20,446
I got a different one.
They want me to play the lead.
1204
01:36:20,547 --> 01:36:24,382
- Congratulations.
- Where exactly have you two been?
1205
01:36:24,486 --> 01:36:28,650
- Holiday in the countryside.
- That's a very good idea.
1206
01:36:28,757 --> 01:36:31,750
London is a country
coming down from its trip.
1207
01:36:31,860 --> 01:36:36,059
We are 91 days
from the end of this decade,
1208
01:36:36,165 --> 01:36:39,293
and there's gonna be
a lot of refugees.
1209
01:36:42,204 --> 01:36:46,504
They'll be goin' round this town
shoutin', "Bring out your dead."
1210
01:36:48,779 --> 01:36:51,873
There was a geezer around here
the other day lookin' for you.
1211
01:36:51,982 --> 01:36:54,246
- What geezer?
- Some bald geezer.
1212
01:36:54,351 --> 01:36:58,685
Reckons you owe him 266 quid
back rent.
1213
01:36:58,789 --> 01:37:03,784
I told him there's no question of payin'
rent on a property cut with rodents.
1214
01:37:03,894 --> 01:37:06,022
He takes exception to this.
1215
01:37:06,130 --> 01:37:08,621
Starts comin' on really bald
with me.
1216
01:37:08,733 --> 01:37:12,100
- You mean ratty.
- I told him to piss off.
1217
01:37:12,203 --> 01:37:14,434
You bloody fool.
We'll end up in court again.
1218
01:37:14,539 --> 01:37:17,976
- No we won't. It ain't legal.
- I assume we can quote you.
1219
01:37:18,076 --> 01:37:21,739
The law rather
appeals to me, actually.
1220
01:37:26,953 --> 01:37:29,944
Just high.
1221
01:37:31,758 --> 01:37:33,658
Stop laughing, Withnail.
This is serious.
1222
01:37:33,760 --> 01:37:37,594
No, it ain't. I looked into it,
studied the papers.
1223
01:37:37,697 --> 01:37:40,757
- What papers?
- Legal papers.
1224
01:37:40,867 --> 01:37:43,496
What papers, Danny?
1225
01:37:53,547 --> 01:37:56,778
He's got our checks.
What are you doing with these?
1226
01:37:56,885 --> 01:38:00,514
I was gonna cash 'em in for you.
1227
01:38:08,630 --> 01:38:12,623
For Christ's sake, Withnail, stop
laughing. This is a notice of eviction.
1228
01:38:19,742 --> 01:38:22,040
Will you stop laughing?
They wanna throw us out.
1229
01:38:24,348 --> 01:38:27,749
For God... Will you shut up, for
God's sake? You're giving me the fear.
1230
01:38:27,851 --> 01:38:29,909
Give me a downer, Danny.
My brain's capsizing.
1231
01:38:30,020 --> 01:38:32,147
- I've gone and fucked my brain!
- Change, man.
1232
01:38:32,256 --> 01:38:35,657
Find your neutral space.
You've got a rush.
1233
01:38:35,760 --> 01:38:38,923
It will pass. Be seated.
1234
01:38:45,803 --> 01:38:47,703
Aren't you getting absurdly high?
1235
01:38:47,806 --> 01:38:51,173
Precisely the reason
I'm smokin' it.
1236
01:38:56,448 --> 01:38:58,473
I couldn't. I'm spaced.
1237
01:38:58,583 --> 01:39:00,609
Not as spaced as your rodents.
1238
01:39:00,719 --> 01:39:04,849
- Don't talk about them.
- I imagine they're talkin'
to each other.
1239
01:39:07,259 --> 01:39:09,694
- What do you mean?
- I've dealt with 'em.
1240
01:39:09,796 --> 01:39:11,696
Dealt with 'em.
What the fuck do you mean?
1241
01:39:11,798 --> 01:39:15,461
Dosed 'em. I expect
they're dead down the drain.
1242
01:39:15,569 --> 01:39:18,539
Dead down the drain?
What have you done to them?
1243
01:39:18,638 --> 01:39:22,096
Given them all drugged onions.
1244
01:39:22,209 --> 01:39:25,042
Jesus Christ!
Why have you drugged their onions?
1245
01:39:25,146 --> 01:39:28,309
Sit down, man.
Take control.
1246
01:39:28,416 --> 01:39:31,147
Give me a Valium.
I'm getting the fear!
1247
01:39:31,253 --> 01:39:33,550
You have done something
to your brain.
1248
01:39:33,654 --> 01:39:35,554
You have made it high.
1249
01:39:35,657 --> 01:39:40,594
If I lay ten mils
of Diazepam on you, you will do
something else to your brain.
1250
01:39:40,696 --> 01:39:44,894
You will make it low. Why trust
one drug and not the other?
1251
01:39:45,000 --> 01:39:46,900
That's politics, isn't it?
1252
01:39:47,002 --> 01:39:48,902
I'm gonna eat some sugar.
1253
01:39:50,506 --> 01:39:53,236
I recommend
you smoke some more grass.
1254
01:39:53,342 --> 01:39:55,971
No way. No fucking way.
1255
01:39:56,079 --> 01:39:59,378
That is an unfortunate
political decision,
1256
01:39:59,482 --> 01:40:01,883
reflectin' these times.
1257
01:40:09,059 --> 01:40:11,619
- What are you talking about, Danny?
- Politics, man.
1258
01:40:11,729 --> 01:40:14,254
If you were hanging on
to a rising balloon,
1259
01:40:14,365 --> 01:40:17,028
you're presented
with a difficult decision...
1260
01:40:17,135 --> 01:40:19,500
let go before it's too late?
1261
01:40:19,604 --> 01:40:21,595
Or hang on
and keep getting higher?
1262
01:40:21,706 --> 01:40:26,336
Posing the question, how long
can you keep a grip on the rope?
1263
01:40:28,279 --> 01:40:30,975
They're sellin' hippie wigs
in Woolworth's, man.
1264
01:40:32,518 --> 01:40:36,681
The greatest decade in
the history of mankind is over.
1265
01:40:38,557 --> 01:40:42,585
And as Presuming Ed here
has so consistently pointed out...
1266
01:40:43,696 --> 01:40:46,893
we have failed
to paint it black.
1267
01:41:36,953 --> 01:41:40,014
My Dad'll pick up the boxes
in a week.
1268
01:41:40,123 --> 01:41:42,388
And he's gonna do something
about the car.
1269
01:41:44,495 --> 01:41:46,486
- I'm off now.
- Already?
1270
01:41:46,597 --> 01:41:49,122
But I've got us a bottle open.
1271
01:41:50,868 --> 01:41:53,235
I confiscated it
from Monty's supplies.
1272
01:41:54,405 --> 01:41:57,533
'53 Margaux.
Best of the century.
1273
01:41:58,809 --> 01:42:01,108
I'm sure he wouldn't resent us
a parting drink.
1274
01:42:01,213 --> 01:42:04,376
I can't, Withnail. I've gotta walk
to the station. I'll be late.
1275
01:42:04,483 --> 01:42:07,611
- There's always time for a drink.
- No.
1276
01:42:07,719 --> 01:42:10,051
I don't have the time.
1277
01:42:10,155 --> 01:42:13,819
All right. I'll walk with you
through the park.
1278
01:42:15,828 --> 01:42:18,228
We can drink it on the way.
1279
01:42:26,340 --> 01:42:28,864
No. No more, thank you.
1280
01:42:28,976 --> 01:42:31,467
Listen, Withnail. It's a stinker.
Why don't you go back?
1281
01:42:31,578 --> 01:42:34,513
- Because I wanna walk you
to the station.
- Well, don't.
1282
01:42:34,615 --> 01:42:37,083
Please don't.
1283
01:42:37,185 --> 01:42:39,244
I really don't want you to.
1284
01:42:48,296 --> 01:42:51,754
I shall miss you, Withnail.
1285
01:42:51,867 --> 01:42:56,497
I shall miss you too. Chin-chin.
1286
01:43:14,958 --> 01:43:18,519
"I have of late,
but wherefore I know not,
1287
01:43:18,629 --> 01:43:21,393
"lost all my mirth.
1288
01:43:21,498 --> 01:43:25,936
"And indeed it goes so heavily
with my disposition...
1289
01:43:26,037 --> 01:43:28,437
"that this goodly frame the earth...
1290
01:43:28,539 --> 01:43:31,998
"seems to me a sterile promontory.
1291
01:43:35,146 --> 01:43:38,605
"It's a most excellent canopy, the air.
1292
01:43:38,717 --> 01:43:43,177
"Look you, this brave,
o'er hanging firmament.
1293
01:43:43,288 --> 01:43:47,282
"This majestical roof
fretted with golden fire.
1294
01:43:47,393 --> 01:43:49,587
"Why, it appeareth nothing to me...
1295
01:43:49,695 --> 01:43:54,792
"but a foul and pestilent
congregation of vapors.
1296
01:43:54,901 --> 01:43:57,495
"What a piece of work is a man,
1297
01:43:57,604 --> 01:43:59,936
"how noble in reason,
1298
01:44:00,040 --> 01:44:02,770
"how infinite in faculties,
1299
01:44:02,876 --> 01:44:05,402
"how like an angel in apprehension.
1300
01:44:05,511 --> 01:44:07,912
"How like a god!
1301
01:44:08,015 --> 01:44:10,279
"The beauty of the world:
1302
01:44:10,384 --> 01:44:13,411
"Paragon of animals:
1303
01:44:13,520 --> 01:44:18,549
"Yet to me, what is
this quintessence of dust?
1304
01:44:18,660 --> 01:44:21,288
"Man delights not me.
1305
01:44:21,396 --> 01:44:25,696
"No, nor women neither.
1306
01:44:25,800 --> 01:44:28,394
Nor women neither."